Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #287: Public Access TV 12

Episode Date: September 6, 2024

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I feel a certain connection to one of these titles, so I am going to go ahead and do Ellie's Real Good Food dash how to fish. This is crazy because Ellie's Real Good Food is the name of a pancake house that's like pretty close to my house in Jefferson Park called Ellie's Pancake House, which is that I go to frequently. Yes, that's one of Gemma and I's favorite breakfast spots. This is Ellie's Real Good Food Dash How to Fish. Oh, hey, welcome. Come on in the boat. My name's Ellie and what the helly, let's go fishing. This is Ellie's real good food.

Of course I'm not alone, I'm joined as always every single episode, Bob, my fishing Bob. Hey Bob, how you doing? Well hello there, Ellie. Hello to yourself, Bob. Bob, how's the water? I hope it's not too cold. Hello to myself? What in God's name could that mean? Hello to myself? Hello to myself. And of course, for those who are watching for the first time, Bob the Fishing Bob is actually a regular fishing bob that's been inhabited by the ghost of a dead 14th century pirate.

A soul? Soul of a dead 14th century pirate? You see, if it had been that I inhabited the fishing bob after I had been murdered, then I would be a ghost. But I willingly gave my soul to the bob in order to live forever. You say that every episode and every episode I'm wildly confused. And of course it's not just Bob and I.

We're joined, again as always, by Shippy the Boat. Hello. We're joined again as always by Shippy the Boat. Hello. Oh, still got that herniated disc? Yep. Oh, it is cold and it's wet. Yeah, I'm sorry. I can move to the front of you if you like.

Um, let's see. What do I need? I mean I want to be dry, but I ask you this every time and you say no. Yeah, I mean the whole point of the show is like, I go fishing and I say like, get in the boat to the audience. It's not really, it's just the cameraman

gets in the boat with us. Right. And we do need to be in the water to fish. I would also love to be dry. Or all wet. The half in, half out, that's what's really killing me. Yeah, I'm half in, half out technically too, right? Yeah, I mean, a boat and a fishing bob, your whole purpose is to be in the water.

And well, I should say, I failed to introduce another frequent host of the show, Rod, the fishing rod that only whistles. Rod, how you doing today? Rod whistling. Pervert. Fucking creep. Every-

Yeah, can you replace Rod, seriously? I've complained about him to HR like 10 times. He's the worst. I was told he'd be fired but Every week I show up and he's still here Well shippy you gotta have to get used to the water Bob you gotta have to get used to the waters. Well, here's the thing. I was the original cameraman on the show

We went out Okay, used to be it used to be shippy and I would get into a cameraman Hold on hold on hold let me tell it let me tell it let me tell it I was the original cameraman on the show we allie insisted we go out and we film a fishing episode during a storm I'm holding this big heavy camera. I get electrocuted my soul moves from The cameraman's body into this the boat. Oh, your soul, I thought it was your ghost. It was her ghost. I'm sorry to quibble here, but as someone who put their soul into a bob,

it's actually, it's not just a, oh, I hit my lightning, oh my, lightning killed your ass. You became a ghost and your ghost went into the ship. Yes, but then the soul of the ship went into the cameraman body, and that's why he just stands there silently And we should say you were hit by lightning because you were holding a lightning rod. Isn't that right rod?

Come on Gila does Hey Adel, did you get Aaron's wedding present that she sent to us? Yeah, she sent us a helix sleep mattress, which is incredible. I already had one. I had the Midnight Lux, which is my favorite mattress of all time. But now I have a second Midnight Lux.

It does kind of feel like, didn't we go in on getting her a Helix mattress for her wedding? Does this feel like a re-gift? No, because I remember we embroidered the Helix mattress we got her, and it said, congratulations, Erin. And then the one she sent us said,

congratulations, comma, Erin. And then the one she sent us said, congratulations, comma, Erin. Darren. And Darren was spelled out a way that I've never seen it spelled before. D in a different thread and color, E-R-I-N. That's very strange, but I guess you're right. I guess it makes sense that that is the way that,

I mean, look, I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. I love a Helix mattress. And this is a midnight Lux, which is, gift horse in the mouth. I love a Helix mattress. And this is a midnight Lux, which is that's my sleep preference. I love a midnight Lux mattress. Now I already have one, but this is also the mattress that I have. I guess I can put this mattress in like my live it group or something. If I want to do a day mattress, as they call it. And since you brought them up, we should introduce our, um, hosts for

today, our guest host today, gift horse. Thank you! You should also use Helix mattress for any pets that might love it. Atal, I know your three cats love your Helix mattress. I'm a horse and I love Helix sleep as well. So hard not to look at your mouth. Plus, Helix mattresses are personalized and shipped straight to your door free of charge. And Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own home. That's why they offer a 100-night trial and a 10- to 15-year warranty to try out your new Helix mattress. But don't take my word from it. Don't take it straight from the horse's mouth. He says mouth, you look at the mouth. Please stop looking at my mouth.

Well, just stop saying mouth. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired magazine. It is even recommended by multiple sleep-leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep. Did you know horses sleep standing up? I did know that, yes, and I know that if a horse sleeps standing up on a Helix mattress, they do leave some pretty bad paw prints. Paw prints? Hoof, Who have hoof prints in there?

Plus, Helix knows everyone's unique and everyone sleeps differently. That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed to specific sleep positions and feel preferences. Models with memory foam layers to provide optimal relief if you sleep on your side. Models with a more responsive foam

to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions. Plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. And we should say actually gift horse you can go ahead and get out of here. Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, Better Sleep starts now. Speaking of best offer yet,

did you know my uncle was in The Godfather? Oh, I'm... Oh, that's so sorry, offer. Unless he played one of the... No, he didn't, he was the horse, okay. He was James Caan. He was James Caan, was James Khan he was James Khan and I should say of course I am TV's Kimmy Schmidt you might have seen me

in the unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt I'm so sorry I'm Ellie Kemper who played TV's Kimmy Schmidt also my teacher in high school I believe was John Hamm what I went to school somewhere in st. Louis I believe I went to Princeton. Yeah, Ellie. I love that. You're listing all your credits here your whole Wikipedia bio Can you contact my wife? I feel like I keep asking and you keep avoiding it Is she remarried is she dead? Like why are you not telling me what's going on with my wife? She's probably remarried because you are dead. You're a ghost who's in a ship. Uh-oh.

My wife is still not remarried because I am the soul of an old pirate who got put into a bob. So I'm still... I never left, basically. And you were married to a pile of treasure isn't that right Bob? Married we had a situation ship There was there was something going on. He put his penis in the pile of treasure Why does it matter anymore because I don't have a penis anymore than do I? Sort of like a weird comeback there like a ducktale situation right when what Scrooge jumps into a you guys never watched TV Shippee you asked about TV? Shippy who did you ask about? Scrooge McDuck put his dick into that pile of coins I thought he dove in he dove in but his dick was out absolutely they don't show it but you can tell was he one of the

ones who never wore bottoms? uh yeah yeah. Actually you're right. Yeah, cause you- This was out. You say like Donald Ducking it or Winning the Pooing it, um, shirt cocking. Um, sorry Shippie, you were asking about who? My wife. Yeah. My wife Ellie.

Alright listeners, it's time for our first underwater secret. Meet me underwater where Shippie can't hear us. Damn it! Okay, now that we're underwater, we should let you know today's secret. Shippie's wife is way married! Bob, I'm gonna float away. How? I'm gonna float away.

How? You're anchored with Inky the Anchor! I paid Inky $600 to let go. Wait, who's holding my hand underwater? Let me up. Let me up. Let me up. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Wait, you paid Inky the anchor to murder Ellie Kemper? Yes. Holy shit.

TMZ breaking report. Kimmy Schmidt actress Kimmy Schmidt. No, wait. Her name is Kimmy Schmidt. You're fired, Todd. It's Ellie Kemper. Todd, you can't read the prompter you didn't read it before you went on air you're fired Todd you're fired TMZ breaking report Todd from TMZ is fired scene I'd watch Ellie Kemper fish if if that's what that was. Yeah, that would be pleasant. I'd watch Ellie Kemper fish if that's what that was.

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