Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #295: Ted 2 Talks

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

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Look, ah! Look who's at the 8 o'clock slot! It's Olivia Dubois! Whoa! They got Dubois? Dubois is doing a TED Talk? Yes! Oh my god! My wife and I bought our first chandelier based on Olivia Dubois' recommendation. Same! Ever since I bought her line of homeware products, I always know which fork goes to salad and which fork goes to soup. Oh my god. Oh. Yeah, we have to stay. We have to stay for DuBois. I mean, if I watch her presentation, my wife's out of town all weekend. Not cheating! And it's not a hall pass. She's at her cousin's funeral.

She's cheating on you? No, this is different. And also, even if she is, she still has one. One one. I did two, one, two, three. I did three, she did two. What did she do three?

It's either we're even after this or I can't remember. The chandelier above them starts to shake. What time is it? Oh, 8pm sharp. It's starting. Debois time. Le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le Uh, uh, uh. You! Me? What is the correct time to arrive at a party? Um, 20 minutes late? I know! The correct time to arrive is right on time.

A-doob-ba-dee-da-doob-ba-doob-ba-do. You! Over there. Me? How much should you tip when you're getting a haircut? Uh, 20%? No, no tip at all. They mess up every time.

You ask for the Rachel and they say, Who's Rachel? No tip. We see Olivia DuVa has a fucked up haircut. And the chandelier just keeps going up and down, up and down. And spinning too fast. Uh oh. Uh oh. oh oh oh my nephew Ben is in charge of the chandelier Ben slow it down and drop it

to the ground slow Ben you over there if you have to throw up in front of a crowd of people, where should you do it? Um, in a bag? What if you don't have a bag? In your neighbor's purse? In your neighbor's purse is my neighbor, Eleanor, here. Eleanor, did you make it?

I invited you. Silence. Oh, Eleanor, I you make it? I invited you. Silence. Oh, Eleanor, I will get you back. I've killed your dog before, I'll kill another one. I'll kill again. Olivia, do you want to jump off the chandelier? Ha! That was all on purpose. And we hear a snap of an ankle.

Ah! You, you, you, you. Me? If you wear an old pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes and you insist on wearing them and your husband says those are the ones that hurt your ankle, don't they? And then you say, oh, now you're paying attention? Now you're noticing things about me? I got my hair cut last week and you didn't say shit.

What if you wear those Manolo Blahniks to your TED talk and he snapped your ankle? What do you do? Motorola Bionic? Ugh, slaps. Ow! My name is Olivia Dubois and I'm a lifestyle expert. You may know me from my catalog. You may know me from the classes I teach on how to be fancy. You may know me from my chandelier and home line. One big applause. Ah yes! Chandelier, pillows, glassware, fireplaces. We do roofing. We do all sorts of things.

But we have one guarantee. It will all be made of crystal. You like crystals, don't you? Yes, yes, yes Now let me ask you this. Am I anyone's hall pass in this room? Y'all's hall passes not a single hand raise single hand not a sick deafening silence I'm in my mid 70s. I have a long life. Hey, hey Was that a cough was that a cough of? lust Stands up leaves big slam of the door. Ah, well, I bet you're wondering how I got here, huh?

No Same way I got to be one of the most successful businesswomen in the United States of America. Oh, it's a matter of applause, a matter of applause. Ah, yes. And it's by literally walking over the people who helped me get here. I created a human bridge to get into the building, and you know what? I don't feel bad at all. She steps over the dead woman who's still on stage what is this who is this she's prettier than me get her out of here get her out of here they drag the woman off they she they

do it right they do EMTs and everything wait she's dead right I want who did her haircut she has the Rachel who's got a question for Olivia Dubois, huh? A single hand raised. The opposite of hands raised. Ah, good question. If you have a cough, what do you do? You, sir, what do you do if you've got a cough? Hmm, take a lozenge? No. You take a seat. He's already sitting.

He turns to the guy next to him. I do take a lozenge. If I have a cough, I take a lozenge. No, no, no! Don't talk! Don't talk! It's my sense of... Olivia DuBois looks up at the clock and it says, it just turned to 8.01. Oh my fuck! Oh my fuck! Oh my fuck! I'm fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck.

Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck.

Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck.

Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Cup fork fork spoon knife plate and cup fork fork spoon knife fork fork knife no fork no fork fork plate spoon knife and cup

Chandelier crashes down on her head AHHHHHH I HAVE MY OTHER ANGELS FUCK YOU BEN FUCK YOU BEN Your mother didn't want you Ben Your mother didn't want you Ben my. Your mother didn't want you, Ben. My stupid sister didn't even want a son. She wanted a dog, and her husband suggested having a baby, and that's why they're divorced. It's because of you, Ben.

It's because of you. Fork? No. Big fork, little fork, plate. An infographic with the correct order appears in the projector behind you. Fuck. I fucked it.

OK. Little fork, big fork, plate, spoon, knife, cup. How you fold a napkin? Fold it up like this. Everybody look under your chairs. There should be a napkin. Ben, are there napkins? Ben!

Ben! Yes! Okay, everybody take off your underwear and fold it. Fold it like a swan. Okay, fine. Fuck me then, I guess. 802? 80 fucking two. Nobody wants to fuck you. No that's not what I'm... Ah no yes they do. They do they do they do they do. Okay.

Ah okay. I got a woman fired from Bloomingdale's this week. Hear me out. That's a big battery applause. She was pregnant. Hear me out. She was pregnant. So she was moving too slow and I did them a favor by getting her fired. Okay, you're throwing a party, okay? What do you serve first, adobes or drinks? No, no, no, that was from earlier. That was from earlier, I already, you answered that question. Drinks or adobes?

Adobes? Like a magician? Adobes? Adobes. A doves? Like a magician? A doves? A doves! I can't understand it. Text on the screen behind it appears it just says A doves. A doves! Oh I get it. Oh no no, so what's the answer? A doves! No it's drinks. You give your guest a drink first. You offer a drink. When you throw a party, you need beer, wine, and then you need a cocktail. Signature, a signature cocktail. Oh, she just looked at her ankles.

A piece of crystal comes out of her mouth. What the hell is this? What is this? Huge applause. 802? OK, signature cocktails. What's a signature cocktail you can make at your party sir you out. The the Jeff. Yes the Jeff what's in the Jeff? Me? No it's a dirty martini. Look at me. It's a dirty martini. Okay. It is 802. Okay. Okay. It is 802. Okay, okay. Ben, call me an Uber. Give me a high five.

The curtain comes down, but lands directly on top of her head and sort of drapes around her shoulders. Ah, that happened to what's-his-name? Kid Rock of the Tonys! Ah, that happened to me! I was at that Tony's and I laughed at him and this is my comeuppance. Ah! Okay, okay, okay, okay. Her, like, leg are sticking out from the bottom like the Wicked Witch of the East.

Don't take my shoes! Don't take my shoes! My Minolavladex! Don't take my shoes! Ladies and gentlemen, please clear the hall. The Ted Talk is over and we will be right back after a brief intermission. They'll be right back. Huh.

Did anyone take notes on that one? I did not. That felt so short and so long at the same time. Yeah, felt like a hundred years and also one second. One two three four hate riddle riddles, clue crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle.