Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #299: The First Black Friday

Episode Date: November 29, 2024

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Woah woah woah woah. No it's okay I'm the manager of this circuit city. Well I don't know if you want to go in there. I don't know if you're ready to see what I've had to see. Doctor you got some of my boys in there, okay? Those are some of my seasonal employees. I should go in there. They should see a familiar face, or someone who's known them for like, I guess a couple of weeks. Well? How bad is it? Before you go in there, I want you to be warned that yeah, it's physical, and yeah,

the stuff you're gonna see in there is gonna haunt you forever. But it's more important to me that you know... How mental... How mental it is... For them in there. It's not just the physical wound, sir. I've never seen anything like this. In my whole time.

IN MY WHOLE TIME! I've never seen anything like this in my whole time in my whole time These were um I'm looking at the triage tent these were on the front lines. These were some of the door busters. Yeah, these were the door I'm gonna get emotional just talking about it, sir. I have seen multiple helicopter crashes in my time and none of them by the way multiple helicopter crashes in my time. And none of them. By the way, never fly in a helicopter. Those things always fucking crash.

That's what I've been saying. Helicopters and limos. PSA, don't get in either one of them. You might think, oh cool, don't do it. Not worth it. Not worth it at all. Anyways, these were the, the greeters, right?

The friendly faces at the front. That's what we thought. The ones that... We're gonna swing the door open and say, Single file, have fun in there, right? Single file, have fun in there. Single file, have fun in there. The classic Circuit City greeting.

Yeah, single file. Have fun in there. And you know what? Did they still manage to say it? Because I know the glass of the doors was cracking pretty hard when the people finally got in, but did they still say have fun in there? Because if they did, god damn it, that's bravery. That's bravery.

Some of them got out some of the syllables, sir. At least. But people were sticking fingers in their mouth left and right. Bravery and some of them got out some of the syllables sir at least But people were sticking fingers in their mouth left and right you can't say a catchphrase When there's fingers in your mouth as a seasonal employee doctor I know Thank you for coming. Thank you for um. I need a cigarette Your doctor. It's not light. It's not lighting Let me study your hands. Let me study your hands. The doctor's hands are just bandages. There's no way they can ever light this secret.

They have bandages on their hands. It's not lighting. Let me do it, let me do it. It's not lighting. Let me do it! Okay. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. It's Christmas, it's Christmas season, it's Christmas.

Well no, I mean it's the day after Thanksgiving, it's not Christmas season. You think I don't know what day it is? The streets have run black with blood. This will be celebrated every year in a way that I hope is tasteful. I hope, I hope that after today people call this day Black Friday and people celebrate it By blacking out every storefront and no one ever shops on this day ever again. That's what I hope Obviously shell shocked he's seen a lot and an ice cream stickers bar before this and it's going down the wrong pipe I watched you eat that I wondered if that's what it was because it's still the morning for you doctor

I watched you eat that I wondered if that's what it was because it's still the morning for you doctor I've seen what I've seen and I've done what I've done. Yeah, we all make our choices. Okay, I'm going in Hey You know how I have fun seeing if I have fun in there. Shhh, Dustin, Dustin, Dustin, it's okay. Sing a fire have fun in there. Sing a fire have fun in there. Sing a fire have fun in there. Shhh, Dustin, Dustin, it's okay. It's okay.

This Shepton Tamagotchi in my mouth and a Digimon in my ass. Who's my Circuit City baby? Tamagotchi in my mouth and a Digimon in my ass. Who's my little Circuit City baby? I got you in my mouth and a ditchy mouth in my ass. Who's my little Circuit City baby? Dustin is my little baby. My baby. He's gonna be employee of the month.

Employee of the month. Dustin, Dustin, it's me. It's Chet. It's your manager. It's your manager. Hey Chet, hey man, how's, hey, how man, hey Chet, how are you doing? You look good, you look strong Dustin, you look strong. I'll never love again, I'll never get in the car, I'll never love again.

You don't know that, you don't know that, you can't, let's not talk in absolutes and fatalistic language, you've been through something, okay? I can't see you, I can, okay? I can't see you. I can hear you. I can't see you. Somebody took a pricing gun and put it in my eyes. No, that's just stickers, Dustin. I'm gonna rip them off, okay?

I'm gonna go one, two, three. I'm gonna go one, two, three. Dustin, you're gonna lose some eyelashes. You're a Circuit City champion. I like those cowards at Best Buy. I'm a Circuit City champ. I'm a CCC. They rolled over. I'm a CCC. You're a CCC.

They rolled over. One, two, rip. I always rip on two. I always rip on two. Okay, ready for the next one? That's a real Babbage's move. Ready for the next one? One, rip. Okay, we got them both. We got them both. You were expecting two, I went on one. Are my eyes still there? Open them, Dustin. Uh, ah, ah, ah. Oh my god. You look okay. You're whole, okay? You're whole. Oh my god. A lot of people. I've been visiting a lot of these triage tents, Dustin. A lot of people weren't as lucky as you.

Dustin's getting a lot of attention. There's a guy in the corner. Oh my god. Mark, you're alive? Yeah, but Dustin, you don't work in electronics, so I don't know what the fuck you're complaining about over there. Mark, I swear to God I would have seen you first. I truly- I don't know what the fuck Dustin is talking about. When he says he's going to be employee of the month, when you say, you look him in the eye and you say he's employee of the month, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about You work in an electronic section of Circuit City

You work in the electronic section of Circuit City. Is it the whole fucking store electronics? You shut the fuck up I work you knew what I fucking Hey, there's no point in carrying each other down. Okay, we all went through something today The city is ruined not me. No, I didn't go through something. I was in the back office for a lot of it You're doing seasonal scheduling You said I can't help on the floor because I got to figure out the seasonal scheduling Christmas is a slog. You said hey, I did work for too much time off you said. Hey Mark, I got good news for you buddy. You're gonna work again.

I don't wanna fucking work again. This isn't the end for you Mark. You're gonna get out of that bed even though you look like hell and you're gonna work again. Hey come here. I wanna tell you a little story. Come here, come here, come here, come here. Okay I'm here, I'm here, I'm right in front of you. Come here, come here, come here, get close.

Get close. Smell my breath. Close. Oh. Turkey. Stuff. That's not turkey. Grab yourself. There's no way that's turkey.

Come here, come here, let me tell you a little story. Let me tell you a little story. What, Mark? Yesterday, I went over to my sister and brother-in-law's house. It was warm in there. It was warm. There was an autumn chill on the outside, but a warm sense of family on the inside.

Sense of family. I made the sweet potatoes. My mother's recipe. She's no longer with us and it's sort of how we keep her memory alive. I'm sure you did her proud, Mark. I'm sure you did her real proud. I walked in the house, I asked my brother-in-law if he needed any help cooking and he said we're all set Why don't you sit and watch football with the kids? Sat with the kids we caught the tail end of the parade Santa was there. Yeah Santa was there Snoopy was a balloon in the sky. Yeah, thanks. things going. The Rockettes performed. I understand.

A Broadway show did a little... We all had things going. ...little number. Yeah, we watched the same thing. Right, yeah. Yeah, we all were united as a nation. We watched the dog show. We cheered for the corgi.

We said, look at his little tail. Look how bad that corgi wants to win. I have a lot of tints to visit, Mark, if you could... Don't you move. We sat down. We lit candles. We opened a bottle of red wine. We all went around and we talked about what we were grateful for. Yeah, Thanksgiving, Mark. Yeah, Thanksgiving. God damn it. This is why we put you in electronics. And guess what?

It's not even a real part of the store. Come here. Guess what? Stop trying to grab me, Mark. You've covered advantages. You can't move your arms. Come here, come here, come here. Guess what I was thankful for?

I said I'm thankful. For Circuit City. For Circuit City for giving me seasonal work when I'm trying to get back out into the workplace. I said I was thankful for Circuit City. Yeah, okay. Hey, why don't I go get you some- We had some Baileys and coffee.

We laughed. Sure. We talked about my mom. I went and took a two hour nap because I had to be back at the store at 9 p.m. I'm just gonna step away really briefly. You keep going. No, no, no, no!

Step away really briefly. You keep going. No, no, no, no! So Dustin, Mark's impaled with a full keyboard. I don't think he's gonna live through the day. Oh no. You're fine, you're fine buddy. Mark is, he's fucked. Yeah, we're gonna have to fill out

a lot of insurance paperwork for Mark. He's got a full keyboard. I don't know. Oh, I think my eyes are gone again. You put the stickers back on. God damn it, Dustin! Leave them. Leave them? Leave them. 1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew!

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