Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #301: Merry Christmas to Mall and to Mall a Good Night!

Episode Date: December 13, 2024

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Oh Hello there little girl, what's your name? I'm Santa um My name is Addie. Oh Addie. How do you spell that? a DD why Is that a question or a statement kidding? I just saw you in another Santa switch out. Oh, that doesn't sound right.

How could Santa switch out when there's only one of me, to be sure? Yeah, I thought so, but I saw you and a Santa switch out. You guys seemed to be sharing a beard. Hmm, no, that's just- And then you kind of yelled, the other Santa kind of yelled at you because one of you is smoking while you're wearing the beard

and the other one hates the smell of cigarette smoke. Oh, excuse me for one second. Hey, we've got a problem here. Send the elves, elves over. We got a code two four, we got a code two four. Listen, Addy. And I just feel like Santa wouldn't smoke cigarettes and there wouldn't be two Santas.

It seemed like you two were maybe brothers who didn't get along. Alright, your Christmas turn is over. Now you have to go away. Ow, my wrist! Ow! Bye, Hattie. What's- hello, what's your name little boy? My name is Jarnathan. Jarnathan? Like, is that like a- I have a question. Is that like Skyrizy?

What is... I saw you yelling at another Santa in the parking lot. No. It seems like you drove together because it seemed like he drove and you both got out of the car and then you were like pulling on each other's outfits because like there's only one outfit and you both didn't have enough clothes on and you were trying to figure out who gets to wear the clothes listen Jardience there's only one Santa and he doesn't drive he puts a finger to his nose and gives a wink and suddenly he appears anywhere sort of like he wasn't driving well he was he kind of hit a lot of cars in the parking lot my

mom said he almost hit our car but it's okay because we have a camera, so if he had hit our car, we wouldn't have had to, the insurance claim would have sorted itself out. Oh, dash cams are a real problem these days. That's why Santa doesn't give them. What do you want for Christmas, little boy? Well, I guess I kinda wanna know what was going on with you and that other Santa and why. How did you get in the car without having enough clothes on because it's like were you coming from somewhere where you were naked? Or like what what was what's the exact relationship between you and that other Santa?

Okay, let me let you know a little secret. Have you ever seen the movie prestige with Christian Bale? I'm six We got a problem here. We're gonna code a problem here. We got a code two four. Security, we got a code two four elves. Hey, we're the elves and we're here to take you away. Ow, ow, ow. From your parents, you'll never see them again. My neck! Bye, Jardy-Din.

Oh, hello there. What's your name? Kimberly. Kimberly, did you just wake up? Yeah, I napped. And wanted to meet Sam. Oh, hello there, what's your name? Kimberly. Kimberly, did you just wake up? Yeah, I napped and wanted to meet Santa.

Yes, and you have. You have met Santa. Kimberly, what a delightful young lady. What can I get for you this year? I want to know why I saw two Santas fist fighting in the parking lot earlier. My dad said he saw two Sant's get really get into it last night at the casino. Well that didn't happen but if it did maybe it's because we all agreed that you stay on 14 because if you have a strategy then you can clean the house out. Does that make sense clean out the house bring the house down but if someone hits on 14 Clean out the house? Bring the house down?

But if someone hits on 14 and suddenly the strategy is out the fucking window, then that screws everyone at the table. Does that make sense? Is that why we're paying out the ass for photos with Santa? You're charging double now because you lost all your money at the casino? No, I'm adjusting for the holiday inspiration. Do you want a photo or not? Cause it's already been taken.

Here it is. Do you want to buy this? No. Well, fuck. Okay then. I guess I'll try and find someone who looks just like you. What was your name again, Sleeps? Hey Sleeps, what was your name?

Kimberly. Kimberly, can I give you some advice? Okay, Santa. Okay, you should run away from home. Your dad sucks, sounds like he sucks. I mean, he won pretty big at the casino last night. Elves, we got two fours, we got two fours, elves, two fours. It's time for you to go away,

we are the elves, it's Christmas day! Excuse me Santa, excuse me Santa. Oh hello there, what's your name? My name is Billy. Oh Billy, you are so tiny, come up here. I'm small, from my age. Billy, what's going on? What can I get you for my age. Yes. Oh, what? Uh, Billy, what's going on? Uh, what can I get you for Christmas?

You can... I could ask you for a Christmas present and... And you'd... You'd try your... Your hardest to get me that Christmas present? Ho ho ho, of course! You just mention anything! They could be found here in the...

Milwaukee Greater Mall. And I'm guessing... Yeah? My mom is a public defender and she says she has this client his name is Kenny Bostwick who is a false Santa and she was defending him in court the other week and he kept coming to court intoxicated and inebriated and the judge said that he has he's on his second strike and if he gets three strikes, it's ten years Ho ho ho ho. So I guess for Christmas I would

kind of like Kenny Bosto wherever he is to Get his life together Yeah, easy for you to say. Did you know that? Go ahead. Maybe have a Merry Christmas. May he have a Merry Christmas. Interesting. Did you know that alcohol can sometimes be used as medicine?

Maybe the pain of everyday life is so severe that the only way to get through it is to dull your mind and your senses daily? through it is to dull your mind and your senses daily? Uh, just saying. Cause the unforgiving, unrelentless march of time and the dead end job you found yourself in and the wife that ran off with a different mall Santa that all that compounds and adds up and everyone's going through something. I'm not saying that.

I'm not saying everyone's not going through something, okay? But some of us are going through something so insane Duplos that week you want dip what duplos just duplos Two pillows. What do you say? Oh duplos? It's like Legos, but they're like kind of bigger for younger kids Just say big Legos and get off my fucking lap and tell your mom. Hey tell your mom I'm not paying the bills. She's a public defender. She can stop sending me bills She's a public defender whatever she said him in the mail. It can stop okay court summons. She's Hey, welcome to Sabaro.

What can I get you? Let's see here. Do you have like a spicy buffalo chicken kind of thing? No, sorry. And the menu is out of date. All we have is like crisp... Christmas pizza. Oh, what's uh 45 minutes just pick one. I just don't hey, it's like 14 bucks a slice

I want to get this right. Is it like red crust or what's what's a Christmas pizza? Yes Christmas pizza So it's like it's red and green. It's basically red and green pizza. Okay. Hey Bev. It's like red and green pizza It's like maybe pesto and marinara. Is it better than air? Oh, okay. Hey Bev, it's like red and green pizza. It's like maybe pesto and marinara. Is it pesto and marinara? No. Oh, okay. Hey Bev, Bev. Hey, we are both at the mall at the same time, but we are not here together, okay? We are not here together.

Okay, so I'm not buying your slice? No, you should buy. That's the very least you could do, buy by five. So two slices of Christmas pizza? No, one slice Christmas pizza. I want pepperoni. It's, yeah, so the signs are the date for the holidays. It's only, all we have left is Christmas pizza. What is Christmas pizza? It's like red so if the signs out of date for the holidays, it's only all we have left is Christmas

What is Christmas pizza like it's red and green pizza. Yeah, what's the green? What's the green? So it's like it's like, you know, like how like pizza has like shredded cheese. Yes. It's like shredded lettuce. Ah That sounds horrible. It's cooked. It's cooked. It's not cold. Why hot Panda Express. Um, let's see. No, I wanted a pepperoni from subaru pizza And I guess I don't really want to have to negotiate anymore or sort of compromise anymore after you cheated on me With our neighbor. So I guess we're gonna wait in this line and be in this line And then you're also probably gonna buy me a Wetzel's pretzel later. And that's just what I'm thinking is gonna happen.

Let me ask you something, Reggie. Is hand stuff cheating? Say no, say no, say no, say no. Because he did everything except hand stuff, because he thought that hand stuff was the only thing that was cheating. He thought everything else was okay. And you told him hand stuff is cheating.

Yeah, I said hand stuff is cheating and he thought that meant the only thing that is cheating is hand stuff. Dude, dude, dude, dude, that's misleading. Because I can see how you could say hand stuff is cheating. Reggie, you're joking. Reggie, go back to the cook's and say... I'm not on his side. I can just say how I feel like that is... Put pepperoni and cheese on a fucking pizza for me, okay? Can I be honest? I

Don't like to make any of that other pizza. I like to make Reggie's Christmas pizza. That's all I made today Reggie can I tell you something? No one likes hand stuff hand stuff is for people who haven't really had sex yet Yeah, and are in their parents basement and they're just trying stuff out hand stuff as a grown-up sort of goes out the window Why don't you tell it's not some sort of heroic feat. Did he ask about hand stuff? Yes, he said, hey, babe. He went knock, knock. I was in my office.

And he went, hey, babe, is hand stuff cheating? And I went, yes, of course hand stuff is cheating. I'm back on her side, because I thought you, ma'am, have brought up to him that hand stuff is cheating and had not specified anything else. But if he asked about it and you just responded to it, I'm back on your side. Thank you, Reggie. To Reggie's Christmas pizzas?

No, nobody wants Reggie's fucking lettuce pizza. I think if people tried it, they would like it. After he cheated, he came back into the house and said, but I didn't do hand stuff and that was so hard to not do hand stuff. And I went, no, no, it's not very easy to not do hand stuff. Well, well, Reggie, come on, man. Was he didn't use his hands at all? No, he used his hands, but he just didn't do hand stuff.

Yeah, didn't do hand stuff. Well, what's the line? Uh, hand on penis. That's fine. No, that's the line. Uh, hang on, penis. That's fine? No. That's the line. That's the line? Yeah.

Dude, you telling me he didn't touch his own penis the whole time? That's hard to do. No, he touched his own penis. Yeah. Oh, he didn't touch the other guy's penis? Yes. Yes. Dude, OK.

I'm back on her side. 1, 2, 3, 4, hate Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew! Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7-day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle.