Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #304: Public Access 13 w/ Janet Varney

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

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Hello, welcome back to I Will Knock You. I'm coming to you from the local dive bar where I am going to get into some fights with people who definitely deserve it. Hold on, hold on. You got the spins. My name is Michael and I'm not drunk. My first guest is the guy sitting next to me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hey, come on. Hey, come on. Knock it off. Knock to me. Excuse me! Excuse me! Hey, come on. Hey, come on. Knock it off. Knock it off. Excuse me, sir? Knock it off. Do you have a freaking problem with me?

Michael, I don't have a problem with you. You do this every week. Do I? Because I have a show to produce every week. I will knock you. There's a camera. Put the graphic in here. Put the graphic in here.

Graphic of what? Talking to my line producer. Put the graphic in here. Put the graphic in here. Graphic of what? Talking to my line producer. Put the graphic in here. Okay, let's- can we cut him off? Can we cut him off, please? Me? No. From the bar? No. You're over-served. Michael, come on, man.

We've known each other. We went to college together. Come on. I will knock you. Stop having so many faces so I know which one to punch. Stop it. I'm a triplet he's technically not over served he's only had one drink I just think it's a reaction to his medicine I can only stop after three drinks so legally I have to go to ask Joel this is not how you run a bar. I told him not to take the medicine. Another mojito please, Joel. You have two thirds of your mojito.

Joel, Joel, but I drink fast because I have a straw and I drink faster than a straw. I'll make you another mojito. And guess what? After that, I'm going to knock you. That's not going to happen. To the ground, I'm going to punch you. I know you were a Marine, Joel. Oh, Joel, it was a Marine. Joel has big arms. I'm going to knock marine, Jobl. Oh, Jobl, it was a marine. Jobl has big arms.

I'm gonna knock you down, Jobl. Hey, everybody, it's me, Norm! Norm! Norm, I will knock you down to the ground, Norm. Oh, Michael, you old so-and-so. You still making that show here? What's up, buddy? High five! Tries to high five goes to punch Michael Michael my how much is this guy had Everybody tries to slide an arm a free drink at the same time 20 drinks

Right in front of Michael fall on his head all the glass gets in his eyes Norm norm ask job for an ice pack Hey hurt my shoulder. Oh Hey, Joe buddy. Hey for an ice pack. Hey. I hurt my shoulder. Oh, oh. Hey, Job, buddy. Hey, you got an ice pack floating around out there, back there, in there. I don't, I don't because somebody keeps taking them. To me.

I don't even think their shoulders are hurt. I think they just keep taking the ice pack. So if you want to give the ice packs that you already have back, and I can refreeze them. I don't know where they went. I don't know where they went either. I love them back. Ah Can you have one drink left before I can legally start cutting you off? Are you accusing me of doing this for attention? Are you no, I don't think so Michael be careful. He was one of the guys that shot been mine I don't think so Michael be careful. He was one of the guys that shot but man

We're not supposed to know but he's he's he brags about it all the time. He's not even subtle about it No, I brag about maybe I was one of the guys who did it Job that even is your name job It's not. Joel. Yeah, I knew it, right? Baker! Baker! I'm gonna knock you. Spelled like the South Korean capital. I'm going to knock you out.

Gnarm, hold my mojito. Hold him! Alright, I'm gonna wind my fists up. Here I come, Job. If you don't mind, I'm gonna sing a fists up. Here I come, Job. If you don't mind, I'm gonna sing a little song to go along with this. I thought it could be kind of a fun song for your show. Michael, you were young man took too much medication talking to the guy who shot Bin Laden.

I will, I will knock you. Knock you. Knock you. Michael is sound asleep on top of the bar holding his mojito like a teddy bear. Okay everyone, we're gonna go ahead and end this episode because Michael fell asleep again. I'll knock you. Shh, shh, shh.

If you don't mind while you talk about him being asleep, I'd like to sing a little song. Michael fell asleep in the bar today. I'm one of the guys that killed the lion. No. I'm one of the guys that killed the laden I'm gonna lock up everybody. I'll I'll take Michael home. You're gonna lock it. No, I'm not gonna lock you up I'm gonna lock up the bar. Everybody can go and I'll I'll I'll take Michael home Okay, and no I'm not gonna just put him on a boat drive up to the middle of the ocean and throw him off the side of the boat

Okay, I won't do knock the boat ashore. Hey, hey, hey! Sing your parody songs in the bar is my thing! Hey, I'll knock you! I'll knock you! I'll knock you! I'll knock you! I'll knock you!

I'll knock you! I'll knock you! Thank you so much for coming. I will knock you. My name is Joble and I will see you later, Michael. I'm one of the people who killed Kit. Killed who? Nothing.

Same. Janet, your options are, why are you, next option is not me, and the last option is flirt milk. Well, I'm going to slide right past the obvious choice of flirt milk and go with- And that's subverting expectations. That's incredible. Why are you? Why are you?

Hey everybody, it's Sasha. Welcome to my show. This one time, I was talking to my dad and he said, if you talk so many questions, then you should have your own show. And I said, okay. And then I contacted Hollywood, and then I got this show. So, and so.

You just see the top part of her head because the camera's too high. So, and so with that, let's get started. Okay, my first guest is this guy. Hello. Hello. I don't necessarily know why I was booked on the show. I'm assuming it's to talk about podiatry?

No, I, sorry. I didn't essay this guy. I said the sky. You're dismissed. Okay, my guess is the sky. Hello, sky. Hi, Sasha. Thank you for having me. Thanks for, this one time, my dad said that- Wow, my podiatrist is here.

Oh. What's up, man? What are you doing here? Uh, a producer booked me. On the show, I assumed... I assumed I was here to talk about podiatry? I didn't- I should actually know what the show is. B- before we take a quick break, to- my first question is for this...

Sky, not this guy. This guy. Why are you? I'm having like a thing on my foot that is like really bothering me. It's like, it feels maybe it's like a bone thing. Every second I look at it. Yeah, I mean, I'm here.

You also, ma'am shouldn't be standing on your tippy toes like that. That's gonna do very much long-term. I'm here. You also, ma'am, shouldn't be standing on your tippy toes like that. That's gonna do very much long-term. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the child who's standing on your tippy toes trying to get above the desk. I can't, am I even above it? I can't, no.

You're not, you're not, but you're ruining your toes. I've seen ballerinas with worse toes. This is, you need to stop. You need to stop immediately. Can we get a booster seat for the child? And the sky is talking to me. Sorry, Sasha, you had a question. You had a question, I'm sorry.

Yeah. The sky has a foot? Because one time, and I had wanted to ask the tooth fairy, and then she didn't come. Oh, she's dead. Because I've never lost my baby teeth. um, one time, and I had wanted to ask the tooth fairy and then she didn't come. Oh, she's dead. Because I've never lost my baby teeth. What?

What? Sorry, what was your question Sasha? I keep interrupting you. What was your question? Why are you? Whoa. Why am I? Yeah.

Whoa. Um, ew, why am I? Yeah! Whoa. Um, why am I? Why am I? Is there an adult I could talk to about what's happening here or...? Why am I? Um... I don't... I don't know. Yeah. I don't know, I just sort of like...

Consciousness just sort of like, Consciousness just sort of happens to you, right? So like, it's kind of a mystery, Sasha, isn't it? Right? Yeah, it's like what Kong says, Um, Immanuel Kong. One time my dad was reading me Immanuel Kong. Why does my foot itch?

This guy! That one can't be for me that feels pointedly for me this guy why is my foot itch? Don't know what's going on here Sasha are your are your parents around is there someone watching you or you? This is my mom Hi, I don't see the camera. Hi! Sorry, let me get up on my tippy toes. Hi! Oh, that's an adult human.

We run small. Yeah, no. Were you the one who booked me? You're the producer, okay. Okay, great, so, yeah. I'm trying to stare out the window existentially at the sky, but I'm here. And he's so quiet under me!

What is that disembodied voice? Could someone help me with that? Because I don't know where that's coming from. We're indoors, correct? What happened to me? We'll add it in post. Um, it looks like maybe you're... It looks like... oh wow, that could be some sort of... could be some sort of like fungal infection. Uh huh. Yeah, you know, I mean, we'll

actually need to get that samples and we'll have to take that cultures, we'll have to figure out what exactly that is before I can prescribe a med. How long has this been on your foot? Mom? I have a question. Why are you? Oh sweetie, because. I always tell you because. You could lose the foot. We should be taking this more seriously. I've never seen a case this bad. I can't feel one of my legs. Oh my god. Good god, it's up the ankle. I feel like I'm feeling really existential and really freaked out. I think I'm going to go eat pray love for a little while.

What could that mean? What the hell was that? Did the sky just leave? It's really dark out there! It's so dark! Oh god, I'm a podiatrist! Scene. 1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew!

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