Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #305: Gotham City Improv

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

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Hello, welcome to Gotham City Bank. How can I help you today? Hey, um, I just need to make a withdrawal. Deposit? Oh, uh, no, did I give you the wrong form? No, that's a withdrawal form. I just need $200. Yeah, I was hoping it was going to be deposit. Yeah, I'm picking something up on Facebook Marketplace and it's just always better to do cash with that. Right. Sir, we here at Gotham City Bank really value your patronage.

However, we regret to inform you that we will not be able to take any cash withdrawals today due to an incident that happened. Are you fucking serious? I'm so sorry. We can't always control that. As you can see... What do you mean you can't always control it? This is the third branch that I've been to.

Look to your left, look to your right. There's carnage everywhere. There's... Yeah, but I mean... I mean this isn't the most Okay, so if someone was someone was here someone just yeah took all the money out of the bank Yeah, yeah, the scarecrow came in here with a couple of his friends

unbelievable They they took all of our cash gems jewels and They took all of our cash, gems, jewels, and... Sorry, sorry, sir, I'm really sorry. But again, I'm just, I work in... Why do you even have jewels here? Are there a lot of people trading in jewels at this bank? Yeah, of course. It seems like don't even carry the jewels because they're just gonna get stolen by the scarecrow.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm yelling, I'm doing the thing that I hate. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm yelling. I'm doing the thing right. I don't also just like, I, like, I'm having obviously a day that's, this is not how, sorry. It's just like, sorry. No, I'm, yeah, I'm sure it was traumatic cause you said that it was the scarecrow, right?

So I'm assuming he, I'm assuming he gassed you a bit. Yeah, I got gassed. We all got gassed. Yeah. Do I have like bugs coming out of my face or something? Is it like, are you still suffering under the effects of the gassing?

Um, either I got gassed or all of the things on your face are sort of changing position. No, it's, yeah. You look like a Picasso painting. Um. But sir, we would love to take a deposit from you. I don't Know I mean, it's my money. He stole. I mean, I know that it's like insured or whatever So it's not like he didn't actually take my money, but

We actually stopped doing that what because we can't financially cover that at Gotham City Bank Do you want a lollipop? He took out the lollipops. Forget I asked. Forget I asked you if you wanted a lollipop. I just looked down at a little bowl. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. OK, I'm now reading the sign, the big sign that says FDIC, but then a little print at the bottom, it says no more.

Yeah, FDIC means something different. I can get my manager. He can talk you through what FDIC means now. I guess I mean mean because I like. We got another one. Another customer that wants to know what FDIC means now. Oh absolutely takes out a card with explanation slides it across the counter.

Sorry can you read it Tim I think he wants to hear it from you. Okay let's take a look at the card. Okay I'm sorry this card all this card says is you've been riddled. Is this a card from you. OK, let's take a look at the card. OK, I'm sorry. This card. All this card says is you've been riddled. Is this a card from the Riddler? This looks like a card. He would leave it like a crime scene.

Oh, damn it. Yeah. He damn it. He must have swapped my FDIC cards with. There's no money at all in the bank, because usually when they steal it, they're not packing neat stacks. They're kind of scattering it all over the place. All I need is $200. I want to buy a lamp.

Yeah, it normally explodes like confetti, and it's sort of all over the place. But then it obviously, sir, became kind of like a free for all with the other patrons in the bank. You'll understand. Wait, what? Like in the vault? Yeah, in the vault.

There were other patrons in the vault? Or our employees, sir, by overall point. No, now I have a problem, and I'm glad the manager's here. Are you telling me that he took every ounce of paper currency, or did some of the employees, now that I'm seeing, this is not about this, but you two both have very lumpy bodies, and it seems like maybe. Whoa, sir. It seems like maybe... Excuse me?

It seems like maybe... Excuse me? It seems like maybe... Sir? It's lumpy with cash because you've stuffed a bunch of cash into your clothes. Or lollipops. Or lollipops. The mystery flavor is my favorite.

I gotta say, yours definitely does look like lollipops. Now that I'm seeing kind of the way that the lumps are sticky So this is my apartment So why don't we just kind of I don't know, get comfortable and yeah. Oh, god damn it. Mother fuck. I am so sorry. The bat signal shoots straight into my apartment. This sucks.

Oh my god. Oh, okay, I'm so glad that that's the bat signal because I thought that maybe you like horribly misunderstood mood lighting because your whole apartment is washed out. No, I try, you know, I adhere to the whole no overhead lights. Like I try and have these warm, soft, glowing lamps, but then this is... I'm sorry, I have to close my eyes while you're talking. It's just like, it's so bright. Yeah, no fair. And this building is like,

uh, I don't know, eight months old. So they built it right in the path of the bad signal. So now it just shines right in my apartment. Wait this is a new build? Yeah about eight months. Why wouldn't they? Why would they build a building right where the bat signal goes? What architect is considering the bat signal? I don't know I mean he got me there I don't I don't know uh.

Hey let me ask you something. Can you shut the blinds or like the curtains? Oh smart smart smart yeah let me just okay. Let me ask you something. Can you shut the blinds or like the is the oh smart smart smart? Yeah, let me just okay. Let me let me ask you something Who do you think it? Yeah, who do you think it is? Cuz my theory Hey, oh my theory is You know, this guy's smart, right? He's well trained. He has a helicopter an airplane

Several cars it could be anyone. A billion dollars worth of equipment and weaponry. It could be anyone. You're acting like what you did with the blinds helped. I just want to be on the same page. Yeah, yeah, sorry. It's still like incredibly bright in here, right? Like, I just don't want to be like,

I'm not trying to insult you, but the night is kind of... Cause it didn't help at all, right? Am I wrong? Did it help? Well here's the thing, I did lower the blinds but the bat signal is probably 500,000 lumens so I think it can penetrate. I think actually they said that shuttles in space can see the bat signal. Like it's like the Great Wall of China. I mean it dimmed it a little bit But now I can see it feel like it's coming in through the walls. Yeah, it feels like it's gonna. It is this brick It is coming through the walls

Yeah, I mean I guess I don't know who it is. I don't really have thoughts on who it is. I have Look, are you familiar with an instant migraine? I feel like I got an instant margarine as soon as that came on I'm not familiar, but I also feels like maybe 10 degrees hotter now. I Can't stress enough this that bat signal is 75 it cost $75,000 a second It is the most powerful light in the world. Okay, and it happens to be aimed Precisely made at my window. Maybe we just leave? Um, we could have sex in my car? No, I'm sorry.

There's a lot of crime. There's a lot of crime. Yeah, the last time I did that. Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling Commissioner Gordon's office. Hey, this is Trent. I'm the shift manager over at Benningans. The penguin just ate here with his penguins, I guess they're called and they defecated all over the floor.

Okay, one second. Give me one second. Great. I'm being put on hold. Are you kidding me? Yeah. What should I start cleaning? Or is that evident? leave it leave it hi this is Katie thank you for calling commission oh I already hey still Trent still Trent hi Trent sorry

we're getting inundated with calls today I mean every day really you were at Bennegan's and I work at two-face came in and what did you say the penguin came in the penguin came in his brooder? I don't know if they're his children or his pets or whatever. It's a brood. I Can't say brood. That's fine. That's fine. I understand. I'm trying to kill my parents and I can't say brood Yeah, sir. I mean we have we owe we owe a little bit of decorum to each other. Okay So the penguin came in and did he not pay did he died in dash? What was what's your issue? He are you guys closed?

What do you think what do you think dude, what do you think we're open looking around? Sorry? We had somebody coming. No penguin paid actually tipped very generously, but his his Penguins they defecated on the floor. It gets confusing because he's the penguin but he has penguins So that's where it gets confusing. Did he defecated on the floor. It gets confusing because he's the penguin, but he has penguins, so that's where it gets confusing. Did he defecate on the floor? I don't think so. Okay, well then you check. Oh, you don't think so? You don't think so?

What is this? If this is, this is from a regular penguin. Okay, Kyle, actually Kyle did find that we have some bigger... Sir, I'm not really sure what I know. Okay, well if you can confirm and then give us a call back, because if it's just... Like, we don't really deal with, like, animals messing up restaurants. Like, we're sort of...

What? We have bigger fish to fry. Commissioner Gordon, again... Oh! She dropped him. Okay, so he really is out of office today. Who dropped who? Harley Quinn dropped Commissioner Gordon.

It's fine. I feel like, clean up the mess, give us a call back, if once you're sure, sure, okay? Okay. 1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew! Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7-day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle.