Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #310: High School Valentine’s Day

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

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Hey, hey everyone in homeroom three student council selling candy grams if anybody wants a candy graham for Valentine's Day. No one huh. Oh, do we have to do it in front of the whole class or can we see you later or. I you have to you have to buy it now, today's the only day. Troy, did you want one? Yeah, Troy, did you want one? So how does the buying process work?

I would just say, like my crush's name? Well, you would give me $20, you would tell me, you would write down, I guess, or whisper in my ear. Oh no, Troy, don't get up from your seat, okay? Just stay in your seat, you would write down, I guess, or whisper in my ear. Oh, okay. Troy, don't get up from your seat, okay? Just stay in your seat. You can communicate with him from the back of the room. Thanks, Mrs. Sullivan.

Oh, no problem. Okay, so I can just write it down, and you'll just come and get it off my desk with the 20, or? Well, if you could ball up the 20 and toss it to me, I do need to get to the other. Yeah, we could pass the 20 forward, I think, to the front of the class, and then you can just communicate to him who, we don't have all day, so just tell him

what you want to send. Yeah, but I don't really wanna, I don't really wanna pass the 20 up because, you know, I feel like it keeps happening, or it keeps it to the back of the class, I keep passing things up, and by the time it gets to the front, it's either been telephoned, or it's been taken, or it's been changed. Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Well, I thought you definitely wanna buy one for Mrs. Sullivan, because I know you're like fucking in love with her or whatever, but no worries. Uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm having, I have to go, can I go to the, can I go to the nurse's office? No, Troy. I'm having a heart attack.

I'm having a heart attack. Troy. I'm having a heart attack. Troy, you're not having a heart attack. I'm having a panic attack. We have to just have a test in a couple minutes. Okay, bring it on pass it out No, we're gonna sort out whatever this candy-gram thing is. It's happy Valentine's Day everybody But we can't have this take up all of our class time You can send your candy grams to your crush, but we can't have it take up all of class time. Okay And this year we we partnered with I don't know how to pronounce it.

Brax, brocks, B R A C H, whatever that is. We partner with them to make, um, special for the high school, special little candy hearts. Some of them have like two fingers, like you're fingering someone. Um, some of them have like two teachers, still a teacher, still a teacher. Well, I'm not in your homeroom. Ah, good point. As you were.

Some have like two penises touching, some have... Some? Huh? We can't pick. Do we get to pick? Do we get to pick which one we do or is it random? I'll let you pick. You'll let me pick? For 25, for $5 more. Well, I don't want to do the two penises one

That's gonna send the wrong message to my crush uh, I Know Sullivan the fingering one if that's Cuz you're talking at lunch I'm good. I don't think I don't think I need one. I'll leave you with this year. Oh, yeah Sure, I'll do it. It's for charity Troy you're not gonna say that dollars for charity. It's a charity. Yeah, what's the charity? Charity the girl at our school who's going through a hard time. Yeah, there's nothing I guess discernibly wrong with her except she's really bummed out bummed out. She has the blues. She has the winter blues

She's really bummed out. Bummed out, she has the blues. She has the winter blues. Her dad owns a Pontiac GMC dealership. So, rich people can be sad. I don't think Pontiac's gonna be around much. I think Pontiac's going the way of Mitsubishi. How would you know? Well, I mean, she can be sad, but does she need $20?

Yes. She's saving up for a Dodge Durango, which makes no sense, because she can't get a discount. Yeah, she could probably get a free Pontiac or G&C. Get a Grand Am, what are you doing, Charity? Yeah. Troy, just say your crush, hand forward the money, and then we can be on with our day.

Okay, you know what, I'll write it down. I'll just write it down on a 20, you know what, 25. I'll do 25, I'll write it down. I'll pay for the, I guess the fingering one one is fine I didn't only hurt you up here... so I guess I'll take the figuring one. And you can just give it just because I'm in a hurry to get... to the other homeroom so you can just hand it directly to... Mrs. Sullivan.

Alright bye guys. Yeah, everyone just come in, take your seats, take your seats. Let's just get down to it immediately. Who would like to present their poem first to the class? I'd like to go first, please. Ah, yes. Toby, of course. Thank you. Everybody just take a seat and let's just all promise that we're not gonna have a repeat

the last time Toby read his poem. We're not gonna do that again. Everyone I just need. Please don't. I'm nodding. I just got out of therapy. Please don't. Is Toby gonna read the same poem as last time?

I don't know Toby. The assignment today was like sort of a love themed poem. Are you gonna read the same poem as last time Toby? I don't think so. the assignment today was like sort of a love themed poem. Are you going to read the same poem as last time Toby? I don't think so. I think I understood the assignment. Great, great. So then Colton at ease I'd say. Well, no, it's just not going to be a repeat of the last time as long as he's not reading

the same poem again. Colton was deeply upsetting. As a high school bully myself, I respect your hustle and I respect your responsibility here. Whoa! I'm not a high school bully. Colton. That's unfair. I'm not a high school bully. I had a reaction to a disgusting poem. Colton, I bet you have a certain responsibility as the class bully.

Or you have a certain responsibility as the class bully. Let's just, Toby, read his poem and let's just not freak out, okay? Hey, can I just say Colton isn't officially the class bully. He bullied one time. I mean, that doesn't discount if someone else has been kind of working for three years for the superlative in the senior yearbook. It's the biggest bully of the- Derry Steven, please, just take a seat. If you want to read your poem, get in line, okay?

I want to read my poem? Get bullied. Toby, I'm sorry. You've just been up here clearing your throat? I read it silently. I think I'm done. No, Toby. No one heard it. Can I be excused then? If Toby's going to read this poem and we know that I have a visceral reaction to Toby's poems, maybe Colton, just let Colton go. No, I think Colton, this is a good exercise for you. This is a good exercise in self-control.

I ran this one by several family members. None immediate because I don't have any, but they all agreed that this one was not upsetting. I don't have a problem with Toby. He read the poem to his extended family members because he's an orphan. Are you going to say something about that? Why would I have, why would I say something about him being an orphan?

Back on my day, I would have said something like that. I will. I'll say it. Stephen, no. Stephen. What? I feel like I might even of your- gonna get chained! Okay, Toby. Whenever you're ready. This is... Sloppily Sucking on Beef Jerky by Toby No Less Name Because I'm an Orphan.

Can I be excused? I think I'm gonna have a bad reaction to this based on the title. I think I should be excused. Colton, sit. Just cross your arms and bite your tongue. You can literally do that. And trust me, me in the 80s, I would have been all over this. I would have been freaking out. I'd have been foaming at the mouth, okay? Steve would have been coming out of my ears, Colton, as a former

bully myself. I get you. I see you, Colton. I think you're projecting a lot of what you were doing onto me. I'm just not into hearing super hypersexualized poetry. Colton, you and me, we're the same, okay? No! We both wanna rip this guy in half, right? I don't! What?

Toby, your poem. Read the title again. I did, I mouthed the words. Again, Toby, from the top. This is Sloppily Sucking on Beef Jerky by Toby, no last name because I'm an orphan. Colton, uncover your ears. Open your eyes and uncover your ears.

You told me to bite my tongue, which only stops the reaction coming out of me, not what I'm hearing. Why can't I just cover my ears? Listen to the poem. Go ahead, Toby. I can see he's grinding against the podium. I know it's gonna be sexual. I just need it for inspiration. Is that so wrong? Yes! No. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, Topi. Ahem. My mouth waters in anticipation.

Slim Jim? I guess. But I prefer a thick dick. As I unwrap the meaty wand- This is the same! The meaty wand starts to press against my lips. It gives purchase our last prompt was beef jerky. This is the same poem No, I've changed some words. I don't think so. I remember it vividly Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot Keep going keep going. It's going great. I lost my place. It's okay. Just started a random snow my home I know I know you're an orphan I lost my place. It's okay, just start at a random spot. No, my home.

I know, I know, you're an orphan. You lost both your parents. Yeah. Can I, so can I? Keep going, keep going. Okay. You can skip to the end if you want. Sommin, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thicc, thic No, come on, I'm horny orphan. I gotta lock down. My parents are gone and I wanna fuck so bad. Just skip to the end of your poem, Toby. Sorry about Stephen.

Can I have an excuse to the bathroom? No. No. I shit my pants. And that's never been an excuse to leave my class before and I'm not starting today. Okay, starting drip. If we could get out of here by shitting your pants, you god damn guarantee I could be shitting my pants right now.

I would be shitting my pants. I'd be embarrassed, but I really just didn't have anybody to teach me how to be embarrassed, so... This is Sloppy Sucking Beef Jerky by Toby No Last Name because I'm a orphan. Oh fuck, he's gonna win Best Orphan. He's gonna win Best Orphan. He's gonna win Best Orphan for sure.