Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #332: Public Access 14

Episode Date: July 18, 2025

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And the last one is stop that laughing at the back, which is my favorite one listed. Stop that laughing at the back. Okay. Everybody take a seat. Quiet down, okay? This is about what happened yesterday. This is not funny. I cannot stress this enough.

This is not, look at me. This is not funny. Your teacher, hey. Hey. Is he gonna be okay? No, he farted himself to death. Now hold on. I didn't know it was to death.

This is being streamed to the whole town and this is very serious. Okay? You were the last class that he had. You guys saw it go down. The authority. Hey. Question. Yep.

Could we just laugh for like... No. You can't get out of your systems. You can't. Why not? Because yesterday, can you imagine the hell of dying by far and there's an entire classroom of children not calling for help, not running for help, but laughing in your face? That's the last sound he heard.

Well not the last sound. I mean yes. Hey. We lived it. We lived it. We could imagine it. He hit the ceiling. We have the footage. I mean yes, hey, we lived it we lived it we could We have the footage we know the momentum Hey, you simply must know the footage no we will in a minute

We will in a minute Because we all need to talk about what happened we're gonna going to do a play by play and you're going to let me know what happened. Okay? Okay. Well, you know what happened? He farted himself to death. What happened before the farting? I guess Teacher was making a weird face and holding his tummy. Yeah.

And then- This is not funny. I think we, what, we're telling, we're giving, we're telling you what happened. Everyone processes grief differently. Yeah. Yeah, he broke the fluorescent light by flying up to the ceiling. Said something like, the exact quote was like, I shouldn't have had so much jelly. Hey, stop. And then I guess after that...

Stop. That's what he sounded like. After that was the first fart and then the class hamster died. We know. Double tragedy and I know it's not funny. We don't know that he died. He died. He held up a little sign that said, I carumba and then he keeled over. Hey, stop. Stop it.

Stop it. Which of the farts, how far in was the one that? blasted him back into the chalkboard It was all the farts It was a process I need you think you get a four-foot divot and a chalkboard This was not just one part. He worked for it This was a father this was a husband this was a volunteer firefighter This was someone who did community theater at night. Yes, can I ask something it showed in this performance Declan?

What about about 12 to 13 minutes in? All the other teachers came into the classroom and also watched along are they in trouble as well? Yes trouble You're the biggest trouble you could you had this was a 50 minute episode You had 50 minutes to call 9-1-1 call for an ambulance run and get help from me the principal You could have done anything and he died because you guys were laughing and laughing. Hey, stop it. Stop that laughing about. In our defense, it was riveting.

Stop it. It was the best 50 minutes of my life. I could tell he had community theater chops because of kind of how he was milking it and hamming it up to a certain degree. He wasn't, he was in agony. He was making sounds that didn't necessarily equate to agony. Like what? sounds that didn't necessarily equate to agony.

Like what? Like... Don't make me do it. A-woo-ga! A-woo-ga! Blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl Yeah, and he kept saying, my pants. Oh, my pants. Speaking of his pants, how far in did his pants blow off? Well, they were car-hard, so they lasted longer than they should. They lasted much longer. Built farm-tough.

Yeah. Don't. But it wasn't really that the pants blew off in one burst. It was more that they were shredded as the, as it went on. His family is planning a funeral right now, and they don't know what to say. They don't know what to put in the paper in his eulogy. I would say don't do open casket.

Close casket for sure. His ass was ruined. Close casket for sure. Stop that laughing in the back. Stop it. People are watching this at home. Why? Because we're holding you accountable.

This is being streamed out? Yes, of course. At one point, he went in the air like, you know those wind tunnels that you can go into where you're wearing a suit that you can go into You're wearing a super open your arms or close them indoor skydiving indoor skydiving at one point It was like 50 minutes of that and it was beautiful He looked like an angel He tried to use the eye wash station and he blew all of the water back into the eye wash station and then it corroded

The spout that it was coming out of. Like it was, the stinkiness was like acidic in some way. Okay, let's just try to get the timeline right. What order do you remember happening? You walked into the classroom and then what happened? Sat down a big bowl of chili. Sat down a big bowl of chili. On the desk.

I would say three. I thought you said it was cheese. No, it was chili, but there was definitely cheese in it. Yeah. I don't think that what came out of him would have been possible without the assistance in the back I also want to mention. I don't know if anyone has gone on record, but at some point It got so bad. He put his finger in his I don't know the medical term butthole and

Then he got a real funny face and he started come out his mouth And he clipped his hand over his mouth and then it started coming out the butthole. Then he did the hand over the butthole. Started coming out his penis. Stop laughing in the back. Then it came out of his ears. Oh, then the steam came out of his ears.

Well, it wasn't steam, it was farts. It was farts. But it looked and sounded like the whistle of steam. And then he clapped his hands over his ears and his eyeballs bulged out with farts. Like a Looney Tune. And at some point- with farts. Like a Looney Tune. And at some point, I wouldn't say like a Looney Tune, it was very human.

Yeah, like the mask maybe? Yeah, like the mask. Stop that laughing in the back. He kept saying, I'm being cooked alive. Stop. And then he tried to open the windows. He did. Which I thought was very kind.

And then you guys closed them to keep the pressure in the room. That's not why we closed them. We opened the window and then you guys closed them to keep the pressure in the room. That's not why we closed them. We opened the window, and then he unfortunately did see a very pretty lady out on the street, and I think he was getting horny. Well, it doesn't matter if he's married, he's a man. He was getting horny.

He's a red-blooded American man. He was getting horny by seeing a very... And we don't know if the woman could have been his wife, because I know his wife works close by, but he was getting very horny, and he was starting to make a, a wuga, a wuga, a wuga, a wuga, a wuga, a wuga, a wuga, a wuga. His face turned wolfish, I would say.

Well, that seems unrelated to the fart. Well, no, but the horniness was mixing with the farts and it was creating sort of an unholy blend between the farts. Hey, stop that laughing in the back. Stop that laughing in the back. At one point he did call the hospital. Oh, he did. He got the hospital on the phone.

But he was farting so much they thought it was a prank and they hung up on him. And remind me again, what sign did the hamster hold up? Icarumba. Stop. Stop that laughing in the back. I made the sign for Spanish class. But I don't know how the hamster got it.

It wasn't for him. But then on the reverse side, he turned it around and it said, die, Icarumba. Yeah. And then big X reverse side, he turned it around and it said, die, Carumba. Yeah. And then big X's formed over his eyes. Over his eyes. And then there's a big, I don't know where it came from,

but there was sort of like a noise that was like, beeeeww, sort of like Ren and Stimpy when they should do a close up of someone's armpit or something. Oh yeah, I didn't even associate that with the farting, but now that I'm thinking about it, that was definitely a noise that came out of him. One of the farts turned all the pages of the book

that you guys are reading to a certain page. What book was it and what did the page say? Stop that laughing in the back. Stop. It was, we were reading the catcher in the rye and it blew some letters off of the cover and turned it into the farder smells like sty. Okay, so other books must be.

Some letters got blown onto the book, yeah. You wanna think of maybe another one? Sure, I could think of one more. Oof, okay. Madame Bovary, shit. And, oh fuck. We were reading the giver and it got changed to the shitter. Yes, we don't know where the S in the H in the.

And we don't have all the answers to these questions Okay, well You guys will be assigned a new teacher Leave us like a VHS or something. Stop laughing. I forgot he died Did he leave us like a VHS to play in case he did he did? He wanted me to roll in the TV into the classroom and show you guys the video. Have you seen the video yet? I know what it is.

You're laughing. You haven't seen it. Is it going to be like sports bloopers where it's like, da da da da da da da da, and it's going to be him farting? Yes. I forgot he died because he did,

he stopped farting and he said, oh, I'm okay, I don't know what that was. And he walked out of the classroom and then we heard him kind of fart and like bang off a thing from the, like a rocket ship going down the hallway. Bang off lockers. He hit the ceiling fan at some point.

Yeah. Yeah, you could hear him hitting lockers. Yeah. And then what happened was, I know what happened. He blew back through the wall like a Kool-Aid man. Yeah, and he did say, well, he said, oh no, he screamed, oh no. He blew back through the wall,

laughed again, went out to the parking lot, and then his fart blew him up into the, oh my god, I'm crying, I'm crying. Oh my gosh, did you know him? He got electrocuted. Yes, I've known him 20 years, he's worked at the school. He got electrocuted. He got blown into all the wires. He got blown into all the wires.

And he kept going, it was kind of like, as he went up, it was kind of like, what's it called in Dr. Strangelove? Guy on the bomb. We all know what you're referring to. Cowboy on the bomb. Cowboy on the bomb. Slim Pickens. Slim Pickens.

You know what we're gonna do. But it was reverse Slim Pickens just going up into the clouds. Fat Pickens. I hope you earned a valuable lesson about actually asking for help. Yes. This is sort of a bystander effect that no one.

We have learned our lesson. Okay, great. And let's just do a moment of silence. Can we watch the video? We can, but one moment of silence. This is sort of a bystander effect that no one... We have learned our lesson. Okay, great. And let's just do a moment of silence. Can we watch the video? We can, but one moment of silence in honor of the teacher. We haven't had a moment of silence in 50 minutes. Okay.

When he was dying. Don't laugh in the video. Okay. Moment of silence. Oh, his family's coming in. Yep. This is super serious. Nobody laugh.

Do not laugh. Do not laugh. They're in mourning. Ready? This is his family? It's a moment of silence, starting now. Why are they all eating chili? Is that to honor his memory? Does the whole family really like chili?

Stop asking questions. Okay, but I'm just wondering because they're eating a lot of chili. Oh no. Too much chili. Oh no, it's happening again. I'm eating too much chili! Sorry, no, I made the video start playing.

Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. Turn it off. He's eating chili in the video too? I don't think this is on us! Scene. 1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew! Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle.