Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #352: The Nativity Pageant

Episode Date: December 5, 2025

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Okay, everybody, settle, settle down, settle. Welcome to the first rehearsal of St. Wencesloss on the Hills annual nativity pageant. Give yourself a round of applause. Mumbling mice, mighty nice. She brews a proper cup of coffee in a copper coffee pot. I wish today was just seasonal merriment and being excited for the the show. But I just want to kick this off with a little

bit of honesty. For Jesus' birthday, I'm buying a Honda. I think everyone's pretty warmed up. We're not really going to be doing any performing today. It's more of like a meeting to get us started. Don't be dull. The inn is full. Yeah, I feel like

we don't really need to be warmed up. I would love... I get my crustini and my mac and cheese panini. And can we just do the church sanctioned warmups, please, if we're going to do them. Um, I would love to not get any more emails complaining about casting. Um, I did my best. I know that we've had a few years of some controversial choices that I've made casting wise, but the cast is the cast. No trade zes, no takebacks, no changing. It's set in

stone. We're going to move forward. Something, some, something someone wants to say. I can hear some throat clearing. Yes. Um, sorry, Rebecca. Um, um, um, Hi, my name is Nancy. Hi, Nancy. I feel like everyone kind of knows me. I named my daughter Mary when she was born five years ago, kind of assuming she would, you know, grow up into the role of playing Mary. Now, she has not been cast yet. I feel like the last couple of years she was primed and pumped to portray Mary.

And I feel like we have really let down the kids. We've really let down the kids. I'm going to reiterate what I said to you in the email. Mary is a grown woman role, not a role for a five-year-old. She's the mother of Jesus. A five-year-old can't possibly carry the amount of lines and weight. And your child, Mary, is kind of constantly covered in peanut butter and won't stop screaming. We need...

Well, that's your opinion. We had a chihuahua play the donkey last year, so I'm not sure why we're tightening our belt when it comes to age restriction. It made the whole church laugh. It made the whole church laugh. It made national news. I'll give it that it gave, it made national news. We went viral, Nancy, and that helped a lot with the church. I got, not really a question, more of a comment. Big Ed, Singleton Subaru.

Yeah, Big Ed, we know. Yeah, I'll be playing baby Jesus this year. See, you can't just announce what you're going to be playing. We usually have whatever baby. Well, Singleton Subaru cuts a check for this whole thing, Mary. Christmas, so I'll be playing baby Jesus. Baby Jesus don't have lines. Big Ed, we are so grateful for you and the contributions that your company makes. Please, I do it out of the goodness of my own heart. I never would. I mean, it's Christmas time. Of course. I don't do it for the accolades. I don't do

it for the escalades, Singleton, Subaru. But I'll be playing baby Jesus. Well, we do use cars as well, so we do have several escalades on the lot, and we do service for those as well. Service a thrown in. Service with touch, Singleton, Subaru, Subaru. You know you can doodoo. Escalade, I think is Cadillac. Singly you, you know you can doodoo. I'll be playing Baby Jesus this year. There's no objections. Who am I taking it from? What were you saying about Cadillacs, Nancy? I think Cadillac is Escalade and I think Honda makes the accolades. Thank you, Nancy. Thank you. Big Ed, I'm going to tell you what I said to you in the email. Baby Jesus is always played by the baby that is in the church that was born closest to when the pageant comes out.

Actually, we just settled it with big head. It's all good. What do you mean? Our baby doesn't need to be in the play. We settled up with big head. We're all good. See, this is what I mean, everybody. We're not, there's no trading.

There's no trading. There's no blackmailing and diving. It's a lease. It's an outback. It's a lease. It's a two-year lease, though. Who do I have the fuck to have my daughter play married? Whoa, whoa.

Okay, everybody. Let's just settle down. We actually really need a car with the baby. So it works out really well for us. Baby Teddy, as of right now. is playing Jesus, but we're not 100% sure because Ellen is pregnant. She's nine months pregnant and she could be giving birth. If any fresh baby is the one that will be playing Jesus. Fresh baby. So do not be giving out Subaru's. I don't feel comfortable having my like 10 day old baby

being in an outdoor play. You, okay, we're all a part of this church. We all care so much. Raise your hand if you care about Jesus. Thank you. I'm raising both hands. Raise your hands if you care about being a a part of a church community. I work tirelessly all year on this. I only make $180,000 a year doing church admin.

We're all good. My baby will do it. If she's born, she'll do it. I don't want to say what happened. Big Ed, stop handing out Subaru's. That cannot be good for the bottom line. Well, I mean, the bottom line is what I say. The bottom line is, and their prime leases

are really good Subaru. She's the 20-26 Subaru. No, Elise is not a good deal. Elise is not a good deal. Do not lease these cards. Oh, Elise. No, Elise, I'm so sorry, Elise, you're treasure here. Elise is offended.

Oh, sweetie. No, it's Elise. Elise, you're fantastic. Okay, thank gosh. You're going to be one of the shepherd. You're incredible, Elise. You're the heart and soul of this place. Wait, I thought I was playing King Winstiseless.

No, that is. Big Ed did pay. I'm going to run on a money. So he's going to come in. He gets to come down from the ceiling. order to do the big skis. Little Ed's going to be playing King Whistice List as he does every year. Oh, brother.

Pist, AdLGBCC. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what's going on, but my money is just disappearing every month. I don't know where it goes. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if it's subscriptions that have done. I don't know. I don't know.

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Aaron, $740 a year, that's enough to buy yourself like, I don't know, like a big wooden hat or something. And Aaron, I know that you told me in private and said, don't mention it on the show, that you sometimes feel weird about calling up companies directly to negotiate your bills because of the names of the companies. and you don't want to say them out loud because it shows what it is that you like and what you buy. But Rocket Money will try to negotiate lower bills for you. The app automatically scans your bill to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals. They'll even talk to customer service so you don't have to. Aaron, you're giving $30 a month to Fartwater? Yes.

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Do you guys want to watch me run really fast with my cape on? No, just leave the cape. Wee! Here's the cape, and I will fold it. Nice for you. Yes, we got a question. We got another throat clear. Yeah, I was going to ask Tom here.

Tom, where everyone knows me. I was going to, every year we always say. Everyone knows you. Every year we kind of have like a character or a person from pop culture, whoever's big in the news. We also include them as kind of like a fun little tip of the hat. Who from this year do we think has been sort of in the zeitgeist the most or makes the most sense to kind of have portrayed? That was going to be the next point of discussion on our meeting. Obviously this year has been pretty controversial, a lot of pain in the world.

We're not really sure who to put. So I was going to run it by the group, but it makes me nervous because honestly, we've had some misses in the past. I was thinking like Olivia Rodriguez. Right. I think that that's in the right direction because one year we had Steve Bannon and that did not go over super well. 2017, we did Steve Bannon. What about Jimmy Kimmel? See, this is like a hot button issue.

Oh, he could use a win. And people confuse him and Jimmy Fallon. I don't know. Oh, that's who I meant. Right. But why would you mean Jimmy Fallon then? I love carpool karaoke. That's James Corden.

Oh, good. No. Jimmy Corden. Okay, okay. You know what? What if we... They all shouldn't have J names. I agree.

I second that. Can we put that in the notes in the minutes? Yeah, you know, let's just... You know what we're going to do? I'm going to make a decision. I'm going to make a choice. I'm sorry. Are minutes notes?

Are those the same thing? Yeah. Yes. I've just, oh my goodness. I've just been writing down what minute it is. Oh my God, Caroline. That might not be helpful. Caroline, this is, how many strikes did you have before this? I'm looking down at what I've written down and I've missed the minutes too. Yeah, yeah. Because I was getting, I was in it. What strike was this? Well, the one before this one. What strike was it?

Oh, the writer's strike? No, what strike you remember, you got two strikes? What strike am I on? So this is your third strike. This is it? Yeah. That's good. Wait, are we doing bowling rules? No, no, no, no. Oh, turkey, turkey.

Three strikes is really good in bowling. Carolyn got a turkey. No, this is... Anybody bowls a perfect game, gets a Subaru. I'm going to make an executive choice. Glinda and Alphaba will be in this year's pageant. They are going to come and give a gift to baby Jesus that is in the zeitgeist.

I'm sure some of our teen gals would be very excited to play Alphaba and Glinda. Perfect. We're done. We're good. Anything else people want to talk about? about before we get this nativity up on its feet. Yeah, I have a question. Blair Sheldon, I am the, well, I run the community theater in town. Yes, Blair, we're well aware. You're Blake's brother, right? I am Blake's brother. I don't like to make a big deal of it, but I'm- Also, it's hot

in here. Why are you wearing a scarf in a beret? It's Christmas. It's a Christmas season. My question is, how many songs am I writing for this year's pageant? Zero. Oh, so it's only classic songs that snow originals we're doing oh holy night we're doing silent night we're doing what child is this we're doing herod song herod song is a great classic christmas song we all saw you this year in your production of jesus christ superstar we all went as a church we all went we didn't get a single comp and you did so great but i don't know if we need to recreate or try to recapture that magic in the nativity no i'm not going for recapture i'm going for like a completely different creative choice for Herod's arm this year.

Blair, can I be honest? It feels like you're constantly just trying to get in the front page of the local paper. Interesting. So you think this is front page worthy material? No, I'm saying it's the opposite. Because I'm going to do it like King Tut. Has that been done? Steve Martin.

Fuck. All right. Can we say that? No. There are kids here. All right. What if we just take a quick five? Everyone can sort of smoke.

Oh my God. Everyone smoke or grab a Gatorade and then we'll be back in rehearsal. I'm okay with my kids. cursing. It's been settled. I'm okay with my kids cursing. Fuck. We, what? Big Ed, stop handing out Subaru leases. There's somebody better come to my lot and buy some of these Subaru's because I got

Subaru's to hand out. He's shooting a commercial. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle.

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That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were. I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah.

But I was like, I don't know. Reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.