Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #353: Deck the Hallmark

Episode Date: December 12, 2025

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Well, I wanted to do something to celebrate Christmas, specifically, because I'm such a fan of Hallmark and the movies they make. And they've made a lot of Christmas movies. Starting in the year 2000, all the way up until today, they have been cranking out. They do crank them. Cranking. They've been cranking out Christmas movies at a pace never before seen, I want to say. Yeah. So what we're going to do.

They really cramp us those out. They really cramp us out. So what I want to do is almost like a, almost like a public access situation. I have a list of some of the best named Christmas Hallmark movies from 2000 to 2025. I'm going to read a couple of them off to you. You're going to choose which one you want to see a scene from. And then we are going to see a scene probably that happened in that movie. You can have that scene be up top in the movie, halfway through the movie.

Maybe the climactic day new ma, whatever you want to do, we could see a scene from anywhere in that movie. Does that make sense? I love it. Keep in mind that every one of those Hallmark productions is all non-union. They're all scabs. So this is the only ethical way to consume the Hallmark content is to listen to us, do improv scenes about the movies. And we'll do this type of episode enough times to where you could cobble together 90 minutes of each title, I think. Yeah.

They don't cobble together 90 minutes, right? A Hallmark movie. They're lucky if they hit 85. They cobble, cobble, cobble. That is all they're doing is cobbling in a warehouse somewhere in Canada. Is Hallmark Canadian? No, they just film a lot there, don't they? You have to shoot in Canada, I think, to get around the union rules or whatever, I think.

Unions can't survive below, like, a certain temperature. So if you shoot in Canada in the winter, like the union virus is. killed immediately we'll call this uh we'll call this whole production deck the hallmark yay because i think that thank you i think that's very um why is that a pun in line with with some of the titles some of the titles we have here because some some some are puns deck the hallmark Aaron is that a pun it's no it's no christmas song la la la la la la la la la deck the hallmark you're a dummy fall la la la la la la la la la you're not you are stupid you are table what we're not supposed to know christmas music this episode We're supposed to think it's Halloween music.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, um. No, you're fucking. Wrapping in the lab. Yeah, I was going to say. They did the hall. They decked the halls last night. Stay back the halls. It's only been five minutes here, and you forgot the bit.

I think I'm done with callbacks from now on. I think they're too much for my little brain. I did my time with callbacks. I did my time with thinking. I was on the side of every improv. show for years being like one, one, won, remembering everyone's names, everyone's character wants.

Wait, can you do that sound again? That sounds like the crispy music. That sounds like the Christmas music. Yeah, happy holidays. That's the sound of the sleigh. And I think I'm done. And I think I'm done. Aaron don't have callbacks.

Are you offer only? Yes. Okay. And please don't offer me any roles. I don't want to be in stuff. And she'll audition once. She'll do a self-tape, but she'll do no callback. She'll do an audition, but not a callback.

I say you get what you get. But you don't get upset. That's what I say. Let's see. I'm checking my list here. I can't be right. Let me check it again. Okay.

You're both on the naughty list. So that makes sense for me. Maybe let's just have who's been more egregiously naughty. Got to be me? Yeah, JPC. Let's have you go first. Are you ready? Pervert stuff, though.

Huh? JPC. Don't shame me for getting on the naughty list the only way I know how. We're both on there. Yeah, but mine's because I'm a bad. person and I'm like me yours is perfect stuff J-P-C here are your options for

actual hallmark Christmas movie titles that we will see a scene from love it your options are Operation Christmas The Christmas Cure and Finding Father Christmas C-U-R-E-R-E-R C-U-R-E-R

How is it spelled? What is cure? Oh, sorry, the Christmas cure, C-U-R-E. Oh, it's just cure. Okay, that actually makes way more sense because the Christmas curer is a whole, it's like rural juror level of like that. So it's Operation Christmas,

which I think has to be out because I feel like there's got to be like some sort of military, industrial complex, you know, angle on that one. Or surgery? Yeah, that's right. It could be surgery. The last one you said was finding Father Christmas.

Yep, Operation Christmas, the Christmas cure, finding Father Christmas. I got to go Finding Father Christmas. All right. The man we are hunting has a bushy white beard, a red hat and red suit with white trim and shiny black buttons. I know what you're thinking. Wouldn't he have shaved? Wouldn't he have changed his suit?

He cannot. He will not. He must not. He must be caught. This man killed his wife. And when we find him... I don't care. Wait, I'm sorry.

Hold on. I'm sorry. I was anticipating another question. You have a question? I got a question. When we find him and we shoot him, are we trying to use him for meat, or can we just sort of shoot wherever?

Ha ha, big laugh, big laugh from all the U.S. Marshals. When we find him, this is an immortal... Oh, we're not hunting. He's wearing full hunting gear. He's not in the military at all. Oh, I guess I did need context. The U.S. marshals, the U.S. marshals, since we are here in the North Pole, the U.S. marshals have contracted some local hunters to help us find this creature.

Now, I will say, legend has it, that this is an immortal being. So do not worry about killing him when you shoot him. You can only wing this creature. He cannot die until the United States government says that he could die. Oh, wow. It's like a Wolverine situation. Who said that? Who said that?

Me, me, sir. This is not a weapon X from Canada, Wolverine situation. Wolverine was made in a lab by William Stryker, a bad man. This creature has existed across the millennia and was invented by the whims of German children's dreams. Sir, with all respect, it sounds like Santa has a healing factor, which would be in line with Weapon X's M.O. We have to assume he has some sort of metallic coating to his bones.

I'm sorry if I'm misinformed, y'all. Santa cannot die, but he also cannot heal. Any wound that Santa suffers, he will live with until it can be healed by the natural means of time that all of us possess. Oh, so we just cut them up into little pieces. Hold on now. We actually have to find the guy first, okay?

And might I remind you, he killed his wife. That's why we're all hunting him. Oh, another polar bear dragged off an agent. I don't can't wait. I'm sorry. Whoa. I would have thought it would be a different scream, I guess. It seemed like a consensual woe.

I know it gets lonely up here for you men up here in the South Pole or the North Pole or wherever it is we are. That was the Hunter. That was the Hunter from before. I feel like they got an agreement. Pulling out a bottle of wine. Hunter slipping off his wedding ring as he's going to be. Sir, are we at any risk of Santa sort of a manipulative? us, using details about our life

to make it so we don't kill him, reminding us that we'll be on the naughty list, letting us know he sees us when he's sleeping and he knows when we're awake. Absolutely. All of you men were chosen from a specific purpose because none of y'all are redeemable. All of you are naughty to your core.

And Santa will not be able to manipulate you because you have nothing, no one, and nothing to come home to. Sir, I have chucked every dog Every dog house, every dog house, every dog house, and wink-wink, every dog house. Oh, okay, and you still can't find myself from? Yeah, I know I put it somewhere. Thank you for interrupting the meeting for that, but just keep looking, I guess.

Sir, if you heard our feelings and we all need to sort of take a break, could we take five? What's your name? What's your name? Jeffrey. Your name's Jeffrey? Jeffrey, you just made my naughty list. Sir, sorry, sir. Oh, sorry's not going to cut it, Jeffrey.

You're going to be on reindeer duty. Now, I know that Santa famously can survive in any conditions, but like any living creature, he needs warmth. So my guess is that he's cutting these motherfuckers open like tom-toms and hiding inside of them. Oh, polar bears got Jeffrey. Oh, no. Oh, what'll I do?

I mean, what is it with this polar bear? See. One, two, three, four, hate riddle riddles, glue crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle riddle. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. And we're here at HeadGum.

So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends. Yeah. We talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes.

We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcast, PocketCast, or wherever you get your podcast. And watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every year. Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know, reading seems

pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.