Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #355: The Week After Christmas

Episode Date: December 26, 2025

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All right, let me type up a Slack message here to send to a co-worker. Are you getting that file done today? I would like it in my inbox and send. Uh, hello? Hey, man, this is Pete. You just sent me a message? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, uh, yeah, you're, wow, you're great.

You're the new vice president. president, right? Yeah, that's right. VP, we haven't, um, we haven't met, uh, officially. Um, nice to officially meet you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually I say e meet you if it's on an email and everyone. Yeah, don't worry about that. Pete of that. Um, nice to e meet. It's nice to finally E meet you. Have you, have you, and you had, you've had the whole, the full orientation, right? Doug and Linda and they kind of walked you through everything. For the most part, I mean, I was, I was, I was, I was CEO of Folgers before this, so I kind of, I feel like I'm landing on my feet. Obviously, disgrace from that position, so we don't have to get into that.

That's why I'm not president, but I do feel like I, I kind of know the incident else of it. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Because it's, it's December 26th, you know, like it's, um, it's a Friday after Christmas. Well, Friday after Christmas is still a Friday. Did you hear what happened with Folgers? We all, yeah, heard what happened with, uh, honey, is that the new VP of your company? Yeah, yeah, because he sent me a slack message. What?

Asking for me to, yeah, exactly. This is the guy who did the incest act with the siblings who were in love? He's the one who green with it? This is the, yeah, this is the guy. And this is the guy who green left the incest version that they ended up not making. Hello? God, okay. Well, did you tell him that nobody, slags during this time?

This is what I feel like that. Hey, Pete, I'm here with my sister, my wife. I'm here with my wife. Oh. Oh, boy. So I'm guessing you really. enjoy my ad uh well no one technically got this part of waking up is seeing your sibling in the bed they wouldn't use that song they would not use that song unbelievable there's probably a lot of

reasons why they ever end up using that song hey Pete here at coffee mate we don't we do things coffee mate so sounds Australian it is Australian and you please don't let them catch you I must have missed that call what are you doing. Go back to bed. Get the bed warmed up for me, baby. Okay, I'll call mom first. I'll let her know how we're doing. What do we do this? Let's meet in a Walmart parking lot. We both bring our laptops and let's pound this out. First of all, the only pounding out that I'm going to do this weekend is with my wife. I mean, my sister, I mean, Fulger's coffee is so good. This is coffee made. This is a different company. We do not do work between Christmas and New Year. It's just

It's not, it's not, the report will not be on your desk until after the new year. Oh, I guess I. And I thought Doug and Linda would have made that clear when they kind of brought you on board. Yeah, I guess I thought that you were more suggestions than Hardenfest rules, because coming from Folgers, I guess we have. That's why you got fired. Coming from Folgers. Well, I did suggest a horny coffee, which they poo pooed. You also suggested a poo-pooh coffee, too.

Well, that's most coffees. diuretics? Oh, diuretics. Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Excuse me. Hello? Yes.

This is Peter's wife. I mean, sister, I mean mom. I mean, best friend. I mean, live in girlfriends. I, sorry. I don't know if you're new to this or what the policy was at your last company, but this is a sacred time of year. This is a time where time slows down and speeds up. We're nothing quite makes sense, and the laws of physics do not apply.

We don't send an email, if that's even what it's called anymore, a slack message. We don't ping anyone during this time. Do you understand me? What about circling back? We do not circle back during this time from December 26th through what? Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Give me the phone. What?

Ow, ow. Kiss and then ow. I've got something. Yeah? coffee mate this is the time of the year where we don't circle back we don't follow up and we don't answer our phones slacks or emails we just put some coffee mate and a cup of coffee and enjoy time with our families i mean wife i mean sister i mean mother oh my god oh my god that's it that's it you you cracked it okay you know what no work today set down the phones

Leave it off the receiver. You two have sex. Leave the phone off the hook. Put the receiver down so I can hear. We know what you're putting down, and we are picking it up. The best part of waking up is your sibling in your bed. Fulger's coffee definitely endorses this. They so love this kind of thing.

Fulger's coffee and coffee mate. There hasn't been a better pair since you and your sister. Coffee mate. Have coffee, then fuck your mate. It's funny I'm always thinking about it this time of year, but I'm not as young as I once was. But I care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness, which means cornbread humps, CBD gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan. It's so funny, I have no idea why it gets to be this time of year, and I'm thinking about how I'm not as young as I once was. Oh, same girl, same, but also JPC, your birthday's in December.

Okay, that makes sense. Well, JPC, um, someone left something under the tree. called Cornbread Hemp, CBD Gummies. Have you heard of these? You've seen these? Uh-huh. Yes, I have. They're made to help you feel better, whether it's stress, discomfort, the encroaching clock

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Just head to cornbread hemp.com slash riddle and use code riddle at checkout. That's cornbread hemp.com slash riddle and use code riddle. Age is nothing but a number A number of years I've been on earth Years are also nothing But physical manifestations of time passing Hmm I feel okay

I feel okay Aaron Adel Can I share a real life story Brought to you by the fine folks at Quince That happens to allow it So it's Thanksgiving We do a thing every year Where we go to a friend's giving at a friend's house

My wife is dressed My child is dressed My wife says I say I'm going to go upstairs and take a shot hour I come downstairs and my wife says you are not wearing that to Thanksgiving and I said well I thought I thought I was going to wear this and she said no you go upstairs and change it you change it to something nice and I went upstairs and I went into my closet and what did I find but my quince long sleeve Henley and I said this actually looks pretty nice and I think that if I wear this downstairs my wife will shake her head yes and say that's something we could leave the house and and guess what it happened but I'm sure that was like so expensive that sounds pretty luxe No, Aaron. It was affordable. It was downright affordable. Because Quince makes the essentials every guy needs. I'm talking Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50. Italian wool coats that look and feel designer and denim and chinos that fit just right. Oh, and don't get me started on

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slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns now available in Canada 2 that's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle free shipping and 365-day returns quince.com slash riddle what were you wearing when you came downstairs full turkey costume knew it Oh, oh, oh. Hey, Santa. Yeah. Santa. We have a dinner with the bunnies at like 5 p.m. tonight, and I really, really, really, really want to get a head start and putting the Christmas decorations away.

Oh. So if you want to run up to the attic, grab the boxes. I'm going to start on some banana bread. I just opened a course. Can you remember if they're allergic to nuts? Can you get up, please? I worked all day. We can't do this like next week.

We made these plans three weeks ago. Baby. Santa, come on. Baby. Don't. I made my plans three centuries ago. I mean, it's every Christmas. Yeah, you work one day a year.

And it's hard work all day. Come on. I'll be good and like, oh. Can I get an hour? I just want to watch 45 minutes. Let me watch one episode of Bones. No. Your doctor said that the reason why your body takes such a beating after this

is because you're drinking all of that milk and all of those cookies. You know that parents assume that they have to be the ones to eat that, right? You don't have to be doing that. You don't even like the bunnies. Don't say that. Hop, hop. Oh, they're here. Oh, my God.

Hey, sorry, the window was open, so I just crawled through. Hi. Come on in. Hi. Easter Bunny. There's a window open. We're in the fucking North Pole. A window open.

Thank you so much for coming up here. Thanks for hosting. How was your Christmas? Thanks for hosting. Next time we have to do our hovel. Of course. You guys are avoiding it. Christmas was good.

Santa, you must be, you must be tuckered out. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, no. Santa, why don't you make the bunnies, the Easter bunnies a cocktail? Ooh, that would be great. What about having just this open cores I already opened, so I don't have to get up the couch. He's kidding. He's joking. Get up. Yeah, I'll make you. What do you drink? What's your drink, buddy?

Anything with egg whites. Now, I feel like a lot of people can pair us, Santa. But it feels like, you know, I year round, I source eggs. Yeah. I paint them. Uh-huh. Have to get a lot of, no two can look the same. No two can look the same, right? So a real artist, you know, I have to make sure. rhyming riddles all year for these Easter huts. This is like... And do you know how hard it is to just brainstorm hiding places?

Santa! Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I... Sorry, Penelope. No, sorry. He's joking. He, this is a bit that he's been working on and didn't land. No, it did land. No, yes, it goes over better with the elves. Sorry, you said you want an eggnog or...? Eggnog would be great. Did Penelope tell you that we used to date? We used to date back in the day

When we were all at mythical creature school I mean we all got around But I in particular got around I didn't know that Mrs. Claus I didn't I did not She never mentioned But honey if you want to go back to bed and rest

Maybe the three of us can go dancing Thank God, yes Fight for me What are you? Me? No, not you well Oh god damn it God damn it that little rabbit punched me

Oh it hurts That little rabbit is the Easter bunny And he doesn't use Working one day a year as an excuse To not be there Wow see Claire that's how you advocate For someone thank you Fuck you

Oh Claire fuck me I'll fucking kill you Oh my God I'll kill you I can hear everything you say And I can hear all the porn you're watching Your $5,000 a day online shopping habit is killing me Oh it doesn't even That's Nichols in comparison

Harrison to your gambling addiction. You pretend you're in a different state so you can gamble. You've got a problem. I've got solutions. Santa, I'll take one of those cores. Yeah, I'll take one too, motherfucker. Fuck you. Married to the Easter Bunny.

What a fucking loser. He's a loser. He wears a bow tie, and I hate him. I think it looks nice. It looks like shit. You're creepy. You're weird. No one wants a picture of you at the mall.

Creepy? Hey, hey. I'm sorry. A six foot three rabbit is creepy? Oh, oh, hold on, hold on, okay? Look, Santa's tired. Everybody seems to, you know, maybe, maybe beat each other's throats a little bit. Why don't we all sit down?

Waity-to-a-to-do, it's the leprechauns. Oh, God. Did we miss our advice? Turn off the lights, turn off the lights, turn off the lights, turn off the lights. One, two, three, four, hate riddle riddles, glue crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer.

Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. And we're here at HeadGum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends. We talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and query.

So the audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes. We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocketcast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday.

That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You are. I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so. Okay, I was trying to be supportive. Yeah.

But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.