Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview: Bonus - Live show from S.F. Sketchfest 2024 w/ Janet Varnet

Episode Date: September 2, 2024

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One, two, three, four, eight, eight, two, three, four. Let me just turn the key here and there it goes. It's unlocked. Whew. A little heavy key. Whew. Wow. Okay.

So what you're about to listen to if you're listening to this episode is a live show that we did in January? That sounds about right. You didn't do anything. You weren't there Oh wait, you were the fly out of trying to catch JPCs in fly form, but this was me Aaron our fourth host Of course, Janet Varney and a special appearance by I believe Arnie Nikia

Uh-huh and JPC as a fly where I was trying to catch him the whole show And I do I'm excited to listen to this episode because I've never heard it So this is one of the rare hey riddle Riddle episodes that I have never heard. You're going to be mad. But if you want to hear or even watch in person Hey Riddle Riddle live show, you can catch us on our upcoming East Coast tour. October 3rd in Boston, October 5th in Washington, DC and October 6th in New York City. Please come out and see us. We miss you.

Now enjoy the show. Hey Riddle, Riddle, Riddle. And we are here, Riddle. Thank you all so much for coming out. Now, before we get into the Riddle's portion, which is everyone's favorite part. Everyone's favorite part. Erin and Janet, backstage, you asked me to set you up for a little moment that you

two like to call Erin and Janet Singh Pirates of Penzance. Okay, okay, here's the thing. I'm sorry Erin and Janet Singh Kevin Klein's Pirates of Penzance. About seven minutes ago, Janet and I discovered we both love the movie Pirates of Penzance. But very specifically... Thank you. We were both creepily sexually obsessed with Kevin Kline as the Pirate King, but we were very little. Yes. So we discovered that love and we were like, if it has to pour over onto the stage, then it must.

If it happens, it happens. Also, I know what you're thinking, where's JPC? He had a baby and that's not a bit. And I know he casually mentioned it in an episode, but it's true. He did have a baby. He had a baby. I just listened to the public access where you guys talked about that. It was very funny. Yeah. I cannot believe it. Can you believe he's a dad? Just between just between us that's crazy right? Don't tell him I'm a dad. The way he broke the news to Aaron and I and I don't think this is actually he would hate this but he's not here. The way he broke the news to us was he during a podcast meeting which is

something I think we're all familiar with. You were in the boardroom. He said hey this fall I'm starting a new job so I can't do XYZ and we were like oh this new job and Erin and I were like what's this new job? Turns out the new job was fatherhood. I had a hunch he was like I can't tour and I was like you're having a baby. But what if you're wrong? Do you two want to sing Pirates of Penzance? I saw a sneak preview backstage and it was... I think we wanted it to feel a little more organic than... You told me to set you up. The ladies asked me to set...

We said, yes, here's what we want. Set us up, but make it really obvious that it's a setup and that you didn't want to do it. Here's what happened. I did a theater program growing up. It was called Kids Cabaret. It was run by kids and it was for kids and it's what happened. I did a theater program growing up. It was called Kids Cabaret. It was run by kids and it was for kids and it's in Massachusetts. I think it still exists. Kids Cabaret is an oxymoron. It's a slippery slope.

I think it's been around since like the early 80s and they like let high schoolers direct kids in a production. Oh my God, did the lighting change or am I... I have to go to the hospital. This is our uncomfortable story. Yeah. So really lean in. So when I was 10, we did Pirates of Penzance. It was the best summer of my life because if you're familiar with the movie, the show, you could be a pirate, a daughter, or one of the policemen.

And I was a pirate and I got to hang out with all the fun, cool kids and we got to be pirates all summer. And my older sister who was 16 and just trying to get a with all the fun, cool kids, and we got to be pirates all summer. And my older sister, who was 16, and just trying to get a kiss that summer, got cast as the male chief of police. And had the worst summer of her entire life. And I believe she got mono as well. And she got mono the week of the show.

So, it is my most treasured possession is the VHS tape of that. If I remember, I'll throw a clip on our social media. It is brutal. Incredible. My embarrassing musical story, since we're all sharing, is this December, my mom came to visit me in Chicago to help celebrate the holidays for a little bit.

And we watched one of her favorite movies, which is Somewhere in Time. You've seen this? Yes, yes, yes. Mackinac Island and a very terrifying stalker. And it's the, I forget the lead actor, it's a famous guy. Christopher Reith.

Thank you so much. But during, we were watching it on some app that had ads and an ad comes on and it's like, I have type two diabetes and I handle it well and dead. And my mom starts standing up, and this is very unlike my mom, my mom starts standing up and she's in her nightgown, and she's twirling,

and she sings the entire song word for word. And it's like a two minute song. It's a two minute song, I go, what the fuck is like? I look at my sister and we're both just like, call the hospital, like we don't know. And it's a diabetes medication commercial, but my mom memorized the song. Cause she goes, I love the song.

It's like my favorite song. And we were, where's Gemma at? Do you remember what medication it was? It's not Skyrizy, it's Gardeña. Is it Trimphia, a merged trimphiant? That's my favorite currently. But now, but then my sister's birthday was in January and my sister called me crying laughing

and she goes, mom just called me for my birthday and instead of singing happy birthday, she sang the diabetes song. So my mom goes, Happy Birthday, sweetie. I have type 2 diabetes, and I handle it. Well, then find this commercial. It will... That's so funny. It is amazing.

Janet, what is your... Jardias. Jardias? Jardians. Jardians? That's like chopped peppers. You guys have been a great Jardians tonight. Thank you so much. We've been Hay Reddell Reddell. Oh man. Hey, Addle, can I ask you a question? It's kind of, I guess it's kind of a personal question. Yeah, of course, anything. So you know how our friend Erin just got married this last weekend and we weren't invited to the wedding. And it's, that's why obviously she's not here because she's on her honeymoon. And she said no gifts, but I'm gonna get her a gift.

Cause obviously, you know, she says no gifts but you have to get her a gift. Gotta get her a gift. But I'm figuring out my budget for the gift. And it's like, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I can spend. I'm like, you have any advice for her? How I could tour? I don't know how you're doing it or. Well, I'm using I don't know what I can spend I'm like giving advice for how I could or I don't know how you're doing it or

While I'm using rocket money Have you heard of this you seen this? Yeah rocket money That's the personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions Monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills so that you can grow your savings rocket money TPC I subscribe to rocket money because I'm doesn't take a rocket scientist understanding You should use rocket money and I found out that I'm paying for a subscription three times over So I cancelled two of them and just kept the one. Oh Yeah, I I'm subscribed to a lot of things that I didn't even know about

I'm subscribed to Aaron's wedding gifts ideas calm. That's an $800 a month subscription Get Aaron a present dot biz. Aaron present finder dot gov, which I'm like, that can't be like I think this dot gov's are pretty regulated, right? Well, JPC, those all sound like pretty good subscriptions. Rocket Money has over five million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the apps features. and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features.

Now, $740 a year would be helpful for Erin and her new spouse. I mean, yeah, and I guess we're not allowed to know who they are, because every picture of them is just like a black outline. Like, it's been completely cut out of the picture Yeah, it's a serial mascot and let's just say they're on their honeymoon or should I say honey nut? We won't and we won't say we won't and we won't say but what we will say is stop wasting money on things You don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money comm slash riddle That's rocket money comm slash riddle rocket money comm slash riddle

I'm hungry for cereal now. Me too. Just cancel my cereal subscription. Also Giardia is like a thing that dogs get that's super gross. And I say that with love of dogs. Well, wait a minute. It was a dog who encountered it. Giardia is where you went where you were queen for 10 years. You were dog queen for 10 years.

And before you boo, dog queen is an honorific. What's the name of the fake country in Princess Diaries? Is it Genovia? Yes. That sounds right. Thank you. This is, wait a minute, this is a way more fun podcast. What's the... No, no is a way more fun podcast. What's the...

No, no, we're a little podcast. What's the third Narnia book? The third one is the boy, no, the first one is the... What's... The Dawn Treader? Is that four? Dawn Treader, yeah. What?

Dawn Treader? The Dawn Shredder? Dawn Treader? T. That's Treadder's wife. It's like the boy and the wizard or whatever and then the line which in the wardrobe and then it's something and then it's the Dawn Shredder and then it's the chair. Prince Caspian.

Oh yeah, okay. Forget it. Okay, too much audience. Too much audience. The Dawn Shredder. Too much audience. I only skateboarded Dawn. Dawn Shredder.

I only played Electra. Okay, alright. I do want to see a scene. Already? We haven't even done a riddle. I'm sorry. Can he do that? I think so. Okay. So Janet and Erin you are at some sort of gathering, whatever it may be. Janet you are Don Shredder, which is Shredder's wife, a villain of the Ninja Turtles. And Erin, you are Tiffany Crang. No further comment. I don't know who that is. Tell me who that is. I don't like this test.

Adults, tell me. This test is tough. Your husband is a brain inside a pro wrestler. Does that make sense? Sorry, I just hit my head. Do you know who I am? I know who you hope to be, and that's the Pirate King. Here at this audition for the Pirates of Penzance. Pour oh pour the pirate cherry, fill oh fill the pirate class.

Everyone knows it, right? The 1800s Gilbert and Sullivan every single long. And scene. Battle everything you dreamed. Everything you dreamt it would be. Erin, do your research. I mean, I said it in a positive way. Do your research.

Look up Krang. You will not. This seems like an Aaron favorite. This seems like a guy that you would be like, when I growing up, I wanted to marry Krang. And it's been 30 years since I've thought about Krang. I feel like he kind of shows like this. Like he's a brain. He's a little brain.

Oh, yes. Okay. you know. You thought it would be into him? Into him. OK. Your crush, your crush, complicated crushes is just the wildest shit I've ever seen. Kevin Kline, Crang, John C. Reilly, the big three.

See? Yeah. See? How about we get into some riddles here? Okay. Is everybody prepared? I'm ready. Okay.

Brace yourself. Yeah. You look like you're going to pause in, but I don't think we're doing that. Erin always feels like she's going to fall up to the ceiling when she does riddles. Yeah. Like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Inception, you're sort of bracing yourself. Okay. Here's the first riddle.

Okay. A man buys a bag of rice for a dollar each in America and sells them in Europe for five cents each. As a result... Wait. Hold on, what? Janet, did you have a question? Did you turn one bag of rice into plurals? A man buys bags of rice for $1 each in America and sells them in Europe for five cents each. As a result, this man becomes a millionaire. How is this possible? Well, the five cents is what we're really talking about here. He's selling them for the five senses each

So what he's doing is he's giving Europeans who as we all know don't have five senses Not like we do get out your phones. This is gonna be a viral moment. This is the end of Janet Barney No, I'm just saying you Europeans don't have all the... It would be us to take her down. It would be us. We're the worst. Okay. He's making...

Okay, he makes a profit even though he paid a dollar in the United States and has sold the bag of rice. Yes. For five cents. He buys bags of rice in America for one dollar each and sells them in Europe for five cents each. And we'll say... Each grain of rice? For simplicity's sake, we'll say the euro, dollar, like don't worry about that.

It's just... Okay. Does he just divide one big bag of rice into a bunch of small bags and sell those for more than he paid for the entire big bag? That is a very smart sort of reasoning. That is not the correct answer though. But that is... Is this a math thing? Don't be smart and don't be reasonable. Yeah. That's right. These are riddles. I forgot. I'm sorry. If you're here at the show, you know

that riddles are one, two, three. I heard bullshit. I heard the worst. Yes. We'll take them all. Correct. Let's see. What is it? Correct? Let's see. What is it? I give up, I think. I've never been confronted with that. 1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7-day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle.