Hey Riddle Riddle - *UNLOCKED* Clue Crew #227: Penguin Access 1

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

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Clue Crew Ahem, the doctor was the muh- Sorry, old habits. Heh, here we go. How does a podcast evolve after you've practically solved every pussy and riddy? You really gotta expand upon your limit and brand before your show gets really shitty. You turn to face reality and pray your personalities will carry this last minute pivot through. So here comes the content that nobody wanted now. It's time for hey riddle riddles glue

JPC and Erin what an exciting day. This is a huge huge day for hey riddle riddle for our patreon specifically and For penguin baseball. This is going to be our first annual Penguin draft. Now, JPC and Aaron, as you've been told, there are 37 eligible Penguins on the board to be drafted. Each one with a hilarious name, a different build, a different base of skillsets. So we're very excited. JPC, do you want to start off and let us know the name of your Penguin team, what city they are located in,

and maybe just a little bit about what you're planning to do with the organization. Yeah, I got the Pittsburgh Penguins because it was cheap and it was available. Makes total sense. That's the one that I got. You know, we're currently, we're in a rebuilding year because we are building our roster for the first time.

So basically we're going to focus on putting a strong squad together and then fundamentals, just absolute fundamentals all the way down. Smart. And what's your, I mean, I think I know, but I have to ask, what is your mascot for the Pittsburgh Penguins? The Pittsburgh Penguins mascot is Wild Style the Horny Penguin. It is a penguin wearing a full guy Fieri cosplay. It is a penguin wearing a full guy, Fieri cosplay. It's a big hit with all of the people in the stands. People really love seeing Wild Style,

the horny penguin out there on the field. And Aaron, just so you're aware, Wild Style has not yet been drafted. He is amongst the draftees. So it would be a big fuck you if you were to draft Wild Style. Might be interesting, might be interesting. Erin, why don't you let us know your organization's name,

what city they're based in, and maybe just what you plan to do with the organization. Our team name is Mr. Popper's Penguins and the city is my house. And I'm really hoping to really become the villain of the league. I think by saying Mr. Popper's Penguins, Mr. Popper's Penguins,

I think you're targeting a certain demographic that I think will be thrilled. And I know what I'm doing. I'm whistle blowing and I know exactly who's going to hear the whistle. I know exactly what I'm doing. Perfect. Sorry, I missed. What city is this located in? Just my house.

Just your house. Okay. I'll have to check with the- No sports team has ever been sort of run out of a house before. Wow. We thought we'd give it Right. I'll have to check with the- No sports team has ever been sort of run out of a house before. Wow. We thought we'd give it a shot. I have to check with the commissioner. Okay, I'm looking in a mirror.

Adel's this cool? Go with me. And Aaron, who is your mascot or what is your mascot? This is awkward. It is the same as JPC's. Hmm, wild style, the horny penguin. It's wild style, the horny penguin. He sort of dressed like Guy Fieri and he's very horny penguin. It's wild. How's the horny penguin? He sort of dressed like Guy Fieri, and he's very horny gets the crowd going. I can't blame me for that Aaron

He's a very popular mascot a lot of teams are adopting wild style I got news that the Philly fanatics have drafted wild style the Baltimore Orioles the White Sox The white socks. The white socks are using wild style not like. Well, I'll go ahead and tell you all. Chicago's just kind of passing wild style around at this point. Well, penguins can't fly, so the sky might be dangerous.

My organization that I'm starting, this will be a three organization league. My team is the diners, drive-ins, and penguins. Now, obviously, we're hoping to grab wild style, the horny penguin kind of dressed like Guy Fieri, but we will have to see. Let's, without further ado. This doesn't make any sense for you or so. Yeah, truly it doesn't make sense for you.

And we are, of course, located in Santa Fe. It is time to go ahead and start the draft. We'll let out the penguins from the holding pen. Oh no. Adel, why did you all of a sudden slam the holding pen shut and then put your back up against it? No, no, no, I just, I'm stretching. I'm stretching for the big draft.

We should not have held the drafting thing in the face. Speaking of big draft, what's that gust? What is that gust coming from the holding pen? I made 37 pot roasts and they're in there where the penguins were supposed to be. So the penguins are on their way. The penguins- Where I'm at right now is if we never ask, we never need to know

what happened to these penguins. Putting my finger to an empty ear. Yes, I'm just getting a call. There's a cargo plane that's gonna drop off the penguins, but meanwhile, let's dig into these pot roasts and let's pivot to a different type of episode. As long as when you open that gate and the penguins do come out,

there's a penguin with a little goatee, glasses on the back of his head, so not like covering the eyes, but just kind of like wearing them like you could put them on, and spiky little blonde hair. As long as that penguin's in there. Who supports gay marriage, famously.

And is famously off the chain. As long as he- Yeah, we'll have the restaurant in Times Square. Advocates for restaurant workers. It advocates for a maximum load of donkey sods. We're all good. Well, maybe I'll be the New York Donkey Sosses. Well, we'll have to see. Meanwhile, while we're waiting for the cargo ship

to drop off those penguins, why don't we do... I don't fucking know. Let's do public access. Let's do do public access. Let's do a public access episode. Are you sure? Because I'd rather keep talking about wild style, the horny penguin.

Aaron, of course we'd all like to keep talking about wild style. He's clearly going number one. I think why we have to pivot, Aaron, is I think that all the penguins died in that holding pen. That's the impression I get. No, there's 37 pot roasts. I don't buy more penguins.

Actually, I think you should circle back to this episode concept in the future. I would like to draft penguins that don't exist to a baseball team that doesn't exist. Public access should return. We should do that for an eighth or ninth time or whatever, but let's stay on the penguin thing for today Okay, maybe we just draft these pot roasts

And just as a fun joke I did zip up these pot roasts in penguin suits So you're telling me that for the last five minutes. I've been thinking of funny penguin baseball player names for nothing I'm never gonna need those. Well, let's hear a few of them. Cinnamon stick, teacher road. Wild style. Well, this is going to be public access number eight, which is too many. But let's still try and have fun.

Yeah, and we'll post every single drawing you send in of a penguin dressed like Guy Fieri. Check out our Instagram, everyone who's drawn one, we have reposted it. And when we say post, what we mean is we will mail them to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. And demand Biden release the penguins. That's only one way to overthrow a government,

successful way. They're like, this is so scary, we have to shut the whole thing down. I do think we're early enough on in the penguin baseball organizing phase, in the birth of penguin baseball. I do think we're early enough on that we could just make it that instead of like,

you know how baseball players have uniforms, we could make it that all the Penguins have to dress like Guy Fieri. Wait, I also, I have an idea. Is there any like computer program or coding thing we could do that like, if JPC and I were to actually draft fictional Penguin baseball players that you make up.

That it could, we could like place them in their positions and it will simulate a game based on like skill levels and stuff and then all of our listeners can be in a fantasy draft of those players and then we can take it dead seriously. So here's the thing. Is that possible? That would have to be, yes, it's possible. We would have to program something like that,

which would be, I'll say this, difficult with our skill set. But one thing that we could do is what we could do is we could come up with, I don't know, how many baseball, how many piglets do we need? How many piglets on a baseball team? Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I don't know how many.

Because we have three teams. Yeah. So is it just humor? I had one of those waves of blacking back into my life and that was very sobering to hear you say that. Did you do 18? 12? How many?

I want to say 14, but here's the thing. We have three teams. My team, your team, Aaron's team. And we have, it's already seven. We have 37 penguins. Which 26 times by three. Then we're going to have to change the game slightly because we only have I can't stress isn't enough. We could only source 37 penguins now that we can come up with 78

Yeah, now at all you were never gonna have a baseball league with 37 I don't know what to tell you There's 37 eligible to play if we want to dip into under 16 penguins, which I do not think is, they're not ready, they're not mature enough, they're gonna strike out every single time. Wait, now under 16, is this bird years? Like how fast do they turn the appropriate age?

How long do I have to wait in human years to get these young penguins in the game? Let me Google this. How long do I have to wait for a bird to turn? Okay, I have so many ideas, I need to get them out there. And then people, okay. How long do I have to wait for a bird to turn 18?

Okay, looks like I have a virus on my computer. Hold on. A cursed Google search. I just got a virus on my computer. A cursed Google search. Okay. I think the Google, if you've ever been to the Google offices

in either Chicago or LA, I think, or not, Silicon Valley or whatever, there's like a giant wall or LCD screen that shows in real time Google searches. And I would love if someone is in the lobby waiting for a meeting at Google and it pops up, how long do I have to wait for a bird to turn in? And they go, oh, hey, Riddle Riddle is recording right now. So cool. Okay. I have so many thoughts I have to get out or I'll die.

But, JBC, you go first. Well, so what we can do, we can put all the Penguins in a spreadsheet, and we can come up with stat lines. So we'll probably just need the three most important stats would probably be, now, are there RBI's in Penguin baseball? That's another thing. We don't have the rules quite yet.

OK, there are RBIIs, but they're not, it doesn't stand for runs batted in. It stands for Robbins, Blue Jays, injuries. So your RBIs would be your Robbins or Blue Jays who were injured. Now Robbins and Blue Jays, we can sort of help bulk up the cast, bulk up the rosters with other birds. Okay, so maybe we could have skill positions where it's like a flamingo might be a good center field.

Addle, penguins only. What are you doing? Erin, in 20 years, you're gonna hate that you said that. No, no. I'm the villain, oh my God, I'm the villain. Here's what I'll say. We're not gonna have an airbun situation. You're so right, you're so right. Oh my God.

There's a sign above the locker room. No women. There's a sign above the, I wanna say locker room, but it's a locker igloo that says penguins only. And it's just like, in 20 years, it's like a relic. It's like they're giving tours and they're like, back in 2024, one of the commissioners, Aaron Keefe, was adamant about penguins only.

Okay, okay, I heard it, I'm aware now and I'm learning. Okay. Okay, next time we meet, we are each responsible for funny, sorry, 26 very funny penguin names. Or other birds. In origin stories, or other birds. Well, Aaron, when you say it like that, you seem super dismissive of the other birds in origin stories or other birds Well, when you say it like that you seem super dismissive of the other

We will get baseball Here's what I'll say. Forty... Forty... Forty to fifty years into our Penguin Baseball League, we will have a year where, of course, the penguins are off to war. So, a lot of the ostriches and, um... Oh, only birds can play? What about the other animals? Aaron, it's Penguin Baseball. Be reasonable.

Aaron, don't be insane. It's Penguin Baseball. They'll have a league if they're out. You're talking too far in the future. We have to talk about first steps. Smart people love the three of us. We're like funny little pets that they have in their house. We get a smart person to simulate the games. After everyone does a fantasy draft of their favorite Penguin players. I've already reached out to Nate Silver.

Now, I don't know if that's a good thing. Here's what I'll say. A few things. after everyone does a fantasy draft of their favorite Penguin players. I've already reached out to Nate Silver. Now, I don't know if that's a good thing. Here's what I'll say, a few things. Number one, first and foremost. This is not a public access TV. Number one, first and foremost. I have four things to say. Number one, any time.

No way am I gonna let you say four things without interrupting. That's absurd. I will, I will. I will ask. I will. I assume there'll be interruptions, that's a given. Number one, first thing I will, I will. I will. I asked him for re-interruptions, that's a given. Number one, first thing I wanna say.

Okay. I don't think we have ever talked about Penguin Baseball and not all collapsed in a fit of laughter. I think Penguin Baseball has legs. And maybe that's a slogan for Penguin Baseball. It has legs. You can't see them. You can't see them, but they're tiny little legs.

Number two. Hold on, do penguins have legs? see them, but they're tiny little legs. Number two. Hold on, do penguins have legs? I just want to agree with you, Adol, on your first point. I want to agree with you on your first point. I know they have feet. Are the feet just attached to the body? That's what I want to know. The three of us rarely to never all get excited

about the same thing. We're never all on the same page. When it happens, we have to take it dead serious. We all love this idea. I agree with you. What's your second point? Wait, hold on, just so you know, when I Googled do penguins have,

the first thing that came up was knees and the second thing that came up was legs. So I'm not an idiot for thinking penguins have legs. Well, what did you find? What did you find? We have to know. Penguin legs are short and strong. Feet are webbed with visible claws.

The legs are set far back on the body to aid in the streamlining and steering while swimming. Okay, point number two. If penguin legs are short and strong and they have claws, that means one, no sliding, which is a lot of penguin baseball because someone's gonna get hurt by those claws. And two, there's gonna be so few injuries

if their legs are short and strong. No sliding. Feet first, no sliding feet first. Okay, okay. Because I was gonna say that's sort of the entire point is them sliding into home as penguins. Yeah. If we didn't allow them to slide,

games would be 18 to 22 hours, and we cannot have that, it's not sustainable. Number three, I absolutely am going to concoct a Patreon episode where we do a Penguin baseball draft and I am happy to simulate box scores, do rundowns, go play by play, or like you said, if a fan out there wants to help out with that, we can absolutely do that,

but for now we'll self sustain. Casey, Casey, I gotta ask Casey a question real quick. Casey, you played Blazball. Casey is logged off. He's logged off. Casey, you played Blazball back in the day? Is that right? Oh, yeah, Blazball's the thing.

I know Migdol was crazy into Blazball. That's like a Twitter game or something? Yeah, I don't know. I think maybe a tiny bit. OK, so yeah, Mike likes Blazball. Do we know? Can we get the Bla the baseball guys involved? I'm sure they built a successful thing.

I know they know how to make a fake baseball. Baseball just ended. That's actually perfect. Like they got some time on their hands. Or the season. Regardless, I do have to announce. This is actually great timing. This is great timing for Penguin baseball.

Great timing. But I am going to announce, I'm have to announce. This is actually great timing. This is great timing for Penguin Baseball. Great timing. But I am going to announce, I'm gonna call right now, I'm gonna Penguin Babe Ruth my shot. We will have an episode that is Penguin Baseball Draft, and from there, we absolutely will be coming back to this. There will be merch. I feel like you're moving too fast. I got a question for you, Adam.

There will be blood. We need to make the names of the players. What episode do you think you're in right now? Because you keep saying, we're gonna do a Penguin Baseball episode. This is Public Access number eight. This is Public Access number eight. No, this is the sweater part two is what this is.

No, this is Penguin, this is Penguin Access. You're 15 minutes into a Penguin Baseball Paciata episode. No, this is Penguin Access number eight. Penguin Access number one. So in just a few minutes we will get to some public access names, but just a few things I want to talk through as the three owners of the league. Honk Aaron.

Huh? Instead of Hank Aaron? Yeah. I'm already starting my list. Oh wow. Sucks that I fucking love that. I know you would and I knew it. Some of these could have baseball player names as well.

Ooh, I like that. Some of these could have baseball player names as well. Ooh, I like that. Okay, a few, more points. Addle loves to say a few more points and say a number. Randy Johnson is not invited. Now I don't know if you two are familiar with six foot 11 former pitcher Randy Johnson. If you're not, go to YouTube and type in Randy Johnson Bird and you will see why Randy Johnson is not welcome

in any of our stadiums or rinks. He is banned for life. I got a question about Penguin Baseball. Now, as far as I know, because I don't know too much about baseball, but I think that there are like two different types of baseball league in the United States where in one of them, the pitcher hits,

and then the other one, the pitcher doesn't hit, they just pitch, is that correct? Let me look it up. That can't be right. Is that not right? It might be right, but it can't be right. Designated hitter is a baseball player who bats in a place of another position.

But DHS, I thought were all throughout the league. So there are two leagues. There are two leagues. Yeah, that make up the MLB. I thought that was the difference between the two leagues, but I have no idea if that's the case. There's the American league and the national league. Got it.

Well, basically we have to decide which are we gonna do the same thing? I think it's more fair if we're starting from the bottom that we just build one league. Yeah. Yeah. Where everybody plays by the same rules. Yes. Okay. So we have our team names, I believe.

What is, are we just calling this the Pittsburgh, sorry, not Pittsburgh, the Penguin Baseball Organization, the PBO, the Penguin Baseball League, the PBL? I do like PBL for some reason. I think Penguin Baseball League, yeah, and I think it should, we don't need to put like American or national or anything on this.

I think that this should be open globally. I think that, you know, as long as we make the rules. No, American penguins only. Darren, I have some bad news for you. We will only be outsourcing our players. No, we have all the zoo ones, idiots. All the ones that we've trapped in zoos. Yeah, naturalized American penguins only.

So if you are a second generation, if you were born to this country, you're an American penguin. We know if you're thinking, no worse sport for penguins because their arms can't even like touch together. So how are they going to catch balls or bat? We don't care. And I don't think that,

I don't necessarily know with, for penguin baseball, and correct me if I'm wrong, that the balls and the bat are even that critical. I could go without either one of them. I don't need, I don't need either to play the game. Okay, so now we're getting into some pretty important information. How does Penguin baseball play out? We talked about sliding, but I don't think we ever covered.

I think we said the ball is the egg, the pitcher would slide an egg across the ice towards home plate. Does the penguin at home plate try and secure the egg to protect it and then run with the egg to protect its baby? Here's what I wanna say about the egg. I love that we're calling it the egg. I think it should be a baseball.

I think it should be a baseball that we call the egg. No, it's an egg-shaped. It's an egg painted like a baseball well here's my everything else is regular baseball equipment here's my problem with it being an egg that seems like weirdly cruel like is it a penguin egg are we making the penguin play it's an ostrich egg it's an ostrich egg. It's an ostrich egg. Well, hold on. We might have ostriches playing. Okay, so this is why they should feed. Yeah, maybe in like 50 years. When they break the bird barrier?

That's the worst. Sorry, sorry. Just super, just, real quick, real quick. Focus up, focus up. Very quickly, Erin, your options are volleys, pink is in, or polka dot door. Anyway, so, sorry, this is public access, so I just had to give you three options.

Oh, yeah. So is it an ostrich egg painted like a baseball, or I kinda like a baseball shaped like an egg? Did you guys, I think it's a baseball shape. No, no, I think it's an egg painted like a baseball. And Erin, sorry, Erin, which of the public access do you wanna do, Volley's, Pink is in, or polka dot door? You don't have to choose here.

Dealer's choice. Great, okay, anyway. Because it doesn't matter. Well, it matters, because this is a public access episode. Anyway. Okay, so I beg of you to look, click the link. Okay.

That I sent you in the chat. Okay, Erin, this appears to be a Google image search for Penguin baseball. Yes. Now there's, it's a lot of, obviously it's not a lot of real Penguins playing baseball. There's one video of a Penguin deluring the opening pitch to a game,

but everything else is art. And I believe it's, is this Chilly Willie? Who's Chilly Willie? That's like a character, right? I don't know. Sure. All I know is this made me feel like we're on the right track. Yes, there's an appetite is what we're noticing.

An appetite for penguin baseball. Well, that sounds, we won't be serving, eventually we'll get to the concession stands, we'll cover that maybe in my next episode, but we will not be serving penguin, if that makes sense. Seeing a picture of a penguin on a base. Sorry, we'll be serving penguins. They'll get food if they want food,

but we won't be serving penguins. I'm not sure about that either at all. I don't know if we. And it's not gonna be like an exclusive line, like penguins in this line, everybody else in this one. It's not that. It's anyone can eat any of the food and it's all gonna be for everyone.

How inexpensive is penguin meat? Doesn't matter, we'll come back to that later. Seeing a picture of a penguin on a baseball diamond built for people has made me consider the fact that we are going to have to change... First of all, we're calling it a rink. I think that's way better. Is it going to be shrunk down so it's like penguin size? Or are we making them play on the same size that like humans play on?

Now JBC, I I wanna take you literally. You think playing on a rink that's penguin sized is a good idea? That would mean there's room for one penguin. They can stack on top of each other. Okay, now I like this. Okay, so it's a baseball rink. It's a baseball rink.

Okay. I'm thinking, I'm thinking. And it's shaped like a diamond too. It's not like we're not taking an existing baseball rink. Okay. I'm thinking, I'm thinking. And it's shaped like a diamond too. It's not like we're not taking an existing ice rink and putting baseball on it. We have to build all the infrastructure. And like the wall, the home run wall is like a glacier. Yes, exactly.

Yeah, okay. Here's what I'll say. The home run wall, typically in baseball, there's a wall that can be fairly high if you're looking at like the Boston Red Sox field, the green monster is a pretty high wall, which means you have to hit it pretty hard and at an angle to get it out of the stadium.

With the Penguins, I have to assume they're not gonna get a lot of height on the egg. So I think the wall should be full of little cubby holes. Yes. So the ball could slide into one of the holes, but they never have to get it over the wall if that makes sense. Good, you're inspiring them at all. You're giving them something to aim for.

Alternate idea, we build the wall on an angle, and we do the thing that you do with, like, what is it, like the ski ball? What's the game where you throw the ball? Yes, ski ball. Ski ball. So we build it like ski ball. It's out of the angle with ski ball holes in it.

And if they can get the ball into one of those holes, they get the corresponding amount of points, obviously. JBC, that is brilliant. So it's not cubby holes at the wall. It's a slight slope and then there's little slots that are like 100, 200, 300, 500. And it's basically a skee ball boat with eggs. This is, I am loving this.

Now, Aaron's picture also brings up another question. We've talked about this. Can a penguin hold a baseball bat? Can a penguin hold a baseball glove? Can a penguin hold a baseball glove? I think the answer is probably no. Glove on the head. So I do think that we're gonna have to be creative. Glove on the head.

Now here's the- Glove is a hat, glove is a hat. Here's the only problem. Now I realize I, glove on the head, I pictured it and I got so excited and I absolutely want an image of a penguin with a baseball glove on his head, smiling, getting ready I got so excited and I absolutely want an image of a penguin with a baseball glove on his head smiling,

getting ready to play egg, is what they say. Play egg? Here's the number one problem. Our biggest star in the league is a penguin called Wild Style, whose whole thing is that he kind of dresses like Guy Fieri, including backwards sunglasses and frosted tip hair. A glove on the head's going to immediately negate

his entire image and brand. Well, they only wear the glove on the head when they're playing in the field, right? So it's like when they're at bat, everybody can go natural. Yes, perfect. In fact, don't put the glove on your head when you're sliding.

What? Erin, we're not trying to protect them. We're trying to make them adorable. You think they should wear helmets. You should wear helmets when you're sliding. What? I mean. Aaron, we're not trying to protect them. We're trying to make them adorable. You think they should wear what, Aaron? Helmets, let them wear helmets when they're up at bat. But they get an egg slid at their feet. Their heads are five. Yeah, they're not gonna be,

the egg is getting slid at them. They're not gonna be taking head damage. Okay, look, I just sent you images of different types of penguins. I'm not convinced after watching this that a couple of them can't hold a bat. This is very good. Like king penguins, maybe? Yeah, chin strap penguin, by the way,

a chin strap penguin should absolutely be able to have a glove strapped to their head. That's a no-brainer. They have a built-in helper device. There's an Adderley penguin. What is this? What is this? Wow. Adderley?

What is this? Yeah, macaroni penguin, king penguin, royal penguin. These are all baseball bat holding penguins. Erin, did you outsource? Is this a prank? What is this? They're very whimsical looking. They're cute.

Now, look, I also want to say, of these penguin types that I'm looking at, little blue penguin and Australian little penguin, the only two penguins that have the word little in their name, these guys are obviously pretty small. I think it would be unethical to make little blue penguins play against emperor penguins. I mean, that's, yeah, it's just, you can't do it. I want to advocate that little blue penguins

Should be UMPs. I think that they would be great umpires. I think I'm so be great I think we call them humps cuz that's kind of cute now. Here's an errand. This might be a question You had all I'm sorry. Does that does calling them humps verge a little too close to Wild Style the Horty Penguins domain? Ooh, that's a great call. Because his whole seven-minute stretch dance. We'll talk to, when we, when he's drafted, we'll have an interview with him and see what his contracts kind of do.

So he's playing on one team and he's the mascot for almost all the teams. Yes, and he'll basically, he'll have, he's such a powerhouse right now, he'll have the right to sort of dictate how this league runs. And what is appropriate or not. God, he's gonna get so many women.

He's so cool. Now here's something we should- Is it women that he'll get? Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking about like me, but I give him my number. Or a 35 year old podcast listeners.

Should we have, and this might be, you know, for other birds or for penguins who maybe don't want to play, should we have like cheerleaders or some sort of like dance team or something? Baseball doesn't have that usually. That's what I'm saying is that we would be on the cutting edge. You make a great point. And I think that the more types of thing that we can get involved in penguin baseball, the greater chance that we're going to find someone who is hooked in by it.

Yeah. So I do think full on dance team. And I do think that every time a different penguin team takes the field, we do have a dance break. All right, you guys are so focused on the bird part of it, but I think what if the dance team was a different kind of black and white animal? Like zebras or pandas.

Erin, close your eyes for a second. Picture a zebra on ice. Crack, crack, crack, crack, break, break, break. His four legs just broke. Does that make sense? All right, well now I'm sad. He looks like a rug now. His legs broke in a manner

that he looks like a rug by a fireplace. Now, Erin, you're both right. I do think it's a good opportunity to get some other animals involved. I do think that zebras will get their legs broken on the ice. Is it possible that we lower The zebras at like gogo dancer cages Above the ice so they're kind of doing solo dancing in their little cages Problem solved and if if wild styles the horny penguin and we have cage dancers. We're really targeting

horny Horny horny animal lovers. Yeah, okay, so let's look at the population. The United States population is 330 million people. Of that, 100% of those are horny animal lovers. Okay, just very quickly, I'm gonna go ahead and choose the new Scandinavian cooking hour.

Racker potatoes here, potatoes. All right, stop jarring around. Wait up, potatoes, potatoes, potatoes. All right, stop jostling around. Wait, and I add, I know that you both said that it was a no on helmets. Yeah. But I just had a brilliant idea. Do you remember the 90s? No.

The 90s, remember the 90s? Here I lived the 90s. Okay, do you remember those ice cream bowls that were shaped like baseball helmets? Uh-huh. Oh, hold on. They held like a sundae at games? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, I do remember, yeah. What if, Casey said fuck yes, what if they wore those helmets? So they're dumping ice cream on their head as they play. Yeah, maybe. A sundae is impairing their vision. Yeah, if we don't fully clean them, that's fine. But it's not giving them protection, but I think they'd be really cute. Like even look at these helmets. Erin,

can I offer a compromise? Yeah. They wear those ice cream filled helmets that they have to dump on their head and the ice cream runs on their face the entire game on Sundays. So any game that's on a Sunday, that is absolutely what happens. But for the rest of the games, leave ice cream out of my game. I like the idea that the ice cream- Oh my God, I want to eat ice cream

out of one of these bowls so bad right now. This looks so good. I was thinking, is it unethical to put a full scoop of ice cream in a helmet and put that helmet on a penguin's head? But here's the thing, penguins, I think, like it pretty cold. So that's just kind of like a cold treat

on top of a cold thing. I think that the penguin would be okay with getting ice cream dumped on its head. So that's just kind of like a cold treat on top of a cold thing. I think that the penguin would be okay with getting ice cream dumped on its head. And that's also a good merch. You know how there's like, what is it? Ohio is for lovers t-shirts. There should be one that says penguins like it cold. And I think there's like a wink,

like a wink and a nudge to that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like that a lot. People have already built baseball simulators online. For penguins? Not for penguins yet, but this is possible. Yeah, all we need to do is scroll down to the developer notes. We got to contact the developer and we got to get them working on penguin baseball.

It doesn't even have to be like, we don't even need a graphic element to it. It can just be baseball. It can just be running those stat lines nonstop. Okay. Okay. While we're on food though, while we're on food, I wanna talk about concessions because we need to talk about what concessions

are gonna be like inside of Penguin baseball. Dipping dots. I'm willing to give up two of my players. Oh, I see, concessions, yes, yes, yes. I'm willing to give up two of my players if we can have nacho cheese dipping dots. Cold food only or warm food cause it's cold? I think both.

I think you have to have both. And here's what I want to say. I think that the food is going to be one of the big draws to get people to come and watch a Penguin baseball game. Because a lot of the game is going to be pretty chaotic. It's going to be really hard to train these guys how to play this game. And so we're going to want to give like a,

kind of like a gourmet experience to the people in the stands. I think the number one selling item, I have to assume is going to, and we can help push it to be the number one selling item. I think the most ironically fun thing to eat at a Penguin baseball game, which is gonna be synonymous, much like hot dogs are with regular baseball, is going to be frozen hot chocolate.

Now just say those words out loud. It makes no sense. It's an oxymoron. But that's bringing together the heat and the cold. And I don't wanna get too far away from this, Adel, but I do think that we are trying to steer away from the word normal baseball or regular baseball. Huh, okay.

I think it's fine to call it baseball, but I don't necessarily know that we wanna put the stink of this is the like default baseball, you know? Sure, sure, sure, sure. Cause Penguin baseball is better than baseball. Yeah. And we should always be looking towards the future to uplift. We should eventually be regular baseball.

I'm and then we start calling it saying, again, man. Okay. I want to come back to confessions, but there's something I regret saying I'm Mr. Popper's Penguins. That was a joke. I'm gonna pick a real city and a real name and then I'm picking my colors and I'm gonna go first. Okay. Erin, should we save this for the the Patreon episode because this is a public access. Should we save this for the actual draft episode? Or are you confident enough? Is someone taking notes?

I think we are, we're not recording this. I think we've already said the name of our team. So Erin should be able to, if she wants to, now before the season locks in, change the name of her team. I'm confident with the Pittsburgh Penguins. Okay. So I don't think Las Vegas has a lot of sports teams

and I'd like to give them a representation. So I'm going to be, we're going to be the Las Vegas Icebergs. Oh, okay. It's kind of funny. And our color is like baby blue. So no one else can have that shade of blue. That's my color. And we're going to make three different baseball tees that you can buy on our merch store at some point, but that's my team. If you support my team, that's the Penguin team for me. The Las Vegas Ice Cream. That's very good, that's very good.

JPC Eddels? No, again, I'm sticking with Pittsburgh Penguins. I think that's very- What's your color? Oh boy. Golden black? I wanna say golden black. Yeah, golden black I think is gonna be the Pittsburgh Penguins color, yeah.

Now I can't remember, this is gonna have to be resolved at some point. I can't remember what I said. I remember my team was based out of Santa Fe. I remember at one point I said I might make them the New York Donkey Sausages, but I cannot recall what I said my team was gonna be called. I think that you made a Guy Fieri,

you did Dive-Ins, Drive-Ins, and Dives. It was Diner's, Drive-ins, and penguins, based out of Santa Fe. Now I'm gonna keep my options open because we're not laminating this. This will all be decided before or during the actual draft episode, because this is a public access.

There is something about me that wants to make them the great penguinies. Now I think a team that was called the great penguinies would be like a penguin and like, you know, Zatara the magician in the DC universe. I'm getting further away from understanding what you are talking about. So it'd be like a penguin with a wand and a top hat and like a bow tie. Like it's it's a magician penguin. Okay, they're called the Penguinie, the Great Penguinies. I gotta stop you eating quick.

So the real thing is like magic themed. Is The great pinguinis. And so the real thing is like magic themed. Is pinguini a pasta or am I too hungry to hear the name pinguini and not think about pasta? Well, if you boil a salted pot of water, dump in penne and linguini, then you absolutely have pinguini. Got it. That's pinguini.

Which will be served in all the games. Adel, what is your city and what is your name of your team? Well, Aaron, it's good that Adel has a signature dish though because I do think it's important What is your city and what is your name of your team? It's good that Adel has a signature dish though because I do think it's important for the sport tip for each stadium to have its own And that's fine. I just need to know the basic city name colors Aaron if he's working backwards, he brought you penguin He's supposed to drop knowledge. I wrote down penguinuini in my notes app, like in serious. Okay, they are the great penguinies. That is the mascot.

And again, it's a magician penguin and it's all everything at the stadium for the home team, for the home games is magic themes. Penguini, which is Penny and Lugini is our home rank dish. And we are based out of Las Vegas. No, you can't be Vegas. No, it's fun because it's like a desert. Erin, there can be two teams.

White Sox Cubs, what are we doing? Santa Fe, Pinguinis, is that what your name is? What are you guys to be like East Vegas and what are you has to be like West Vegas? You cannot have Vegas or I will switch my city. Erin, magicians are famously residenced in Las Vegas. David Copperfield, Simon and Peg or whatever. Yeah, Icebergs and Vegas, Erin,

that does not make a lick of sense. And Adil can I just say very bold to have the great Penguini be your mascot when you know he's an open player like another team might get the great Penguini I have Pittsburgh wants him. I have to well Here's what I'll say if if my team gets the first draft we're absolutely taking wild-style If you take wild-style, if you take Wild Style, you don't think that Pittsburgh's gonna dig the great big queenie? Okay, I do.

Our colors are silver and a darker silver. Mm-hmm, gotcha, silver dark silver. Yeah. Sort of similar to gold and black. You don't wanna distinguish color. Excuse me? Gold and silver. Gold and black is similar to silver and silver?

Two metallics? You both wanna do metallics? Yeah, it is two metallics. What a way to find out your color is similar to silver to metallics. You both want to do metallics Yes, I think I think all the I think all the colors should be metallic I think you should your Brandon is a mess the Santa Fe, Las Vegas the great Penguinies should we talk about this? That's what the shirts will say I need you to get your act together Las Vegas, the great penguins. Should we talk about this? That's what the shirts will say. No, it's, whoa, I need you to get your act together, Hattel.

Should we talk about this? We're obviously talking, we're obviously talking at this stage as owners, right? We are owning, we own these teams, these franchises. We've sunk too much money into this, yeah. And we've put a lot of our own capital into it. One thing that I caution you about doing is being an owner coach.

I don't think you want to get the business side mixed in with the coaching side. I am going to do this. I am going to hire a coach. I'm going to get a coach to coach my team. Who's your coach? I'm glad that you asked. My coach is going to be a deer wearing a big top hat.

OK. Well, hold on. Hold on. The great penguins, the great penguins, moments ago, as my coach is gonna be a deer wearing a big top hat. Okay. Well, hold on, hold on. The great penguins, the great penguins moments ago, the logo was said to have penguins in a magician's top hat. There's a magician's top hat, and then there's like an Abe Lincoln top hat.

So there's a bolt hole through it? My guy. Answer me that. Is there a bolt hole through the top hat? Answer me that. I made a joke, that you answer for it Adel I have to fix your branding it has to be a city and then like the Boston Red Sox the And then your Aaron, that's a baseball team. Your thing can't be the from it. Yeah, Aaron, you can't use the existing team and brand and color.

You can be the Penguinies, and then your mascot can be the Great Penguinies, but you have to be city name, Penguinies. No, baseball does this all the time. Oh, I don't wanna say, human baseball does this all the time. Chicago the White Sox. No, they don't. New York the Yankees.

Chicago the White Sox. Yes, they do. Aaron, what are you talking about? Are you only speaking about baseball to immigrants? The Santa Fe Penguinies is your name. English is not their first language. Okay, Erin, I will humor, possibly, being the Oakland Unathletics.

That means I stack my roster with a bunch of big old penguins who are a little older. I'm gonna contact you in a day you're more serious about this. Wait, wait. Also think about the merch. You can't get silver on merch. You can do gray. You're gonna be gray and gray is your team

Think ahead at all. Hey, hold on. Hold on. You what you said to adult makes me so what you're saying So my my team is going to be the Pittsburgh Penguins Yeah, but they're going to be located in Annapolis, Maryland. Does it does it matter that? They're called the Pittsburgh Penguins if they're in a different city No, okay good Does it matter that they're called the Pittsburgh Penguins if they're in a different city? No. Okay, good. I didn't want to be.

That's fine. You're fine, man. We can do yellow and black for your Pittsburgh Penguins that are set in Annapolis, Maryland. That's fine. That's clear to me. Here's what I'll say. When it's cross league, it doesn't matter

because there are the San Francisco Giants human baseball team, and then there are the San Francisco Giants human baseball team and then there are the New York Giants NFL football team. So if it's a different sport, the world seems to embrace it or at least America. Yes, that is true. That is true. So there's two Giants but they're different sports

and people are fine with that. There's no confusion. Do we let Casey have a team? Do we let Janet have a team? Do we let Janet have a team? I mean, do they have a million dollars? If they invest, if they invest. Cause if Casey gets a team, then that's 104 players we have to come up with.

And if Janet also gets a team, that's 130, but then the league is bigger and more interesting. Casey, do you have, and I'm serious Casey, don't fuck with me right now. Do you have a city and then a name? Okay, so Casey says he already came up with Mark McGuinn. Hey Casey, that's nothing. That's not an answer to either of those questions.

It's like saying fish piazza. What city do you think Mark McGuinn is? Mike Trout. Let us know when you have one. Here's what I'll say. Janet, Janet absolutely is an owner. She will have you have one. Here's what I'll say. Janet, Janet absolutely is an owner. She will have a team, but here's what I'll say. Since she, we invited her to this episode

and she didn't show up, that's not true. We get to kind of, we get to kind of create her team for now, she can make a few changes later, she'll have some options, but I think we immediately say that her mascot's gonna be a penguin with the Mike Myers mask on. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? No. Yeah, no, I think that's true that her mascot's gonna be a penguin with the Mike Myers mask on. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

No. Yeah. No, I think that's true. Women supporting women here? No. And I think it has to be like a horror themed. There's not enough, I don't know if there's any, horror themed sports teams. There should be like the Toronto Tarantulas or something, but there's not.

The horror market is under tapped and under utilized. So I think we need horror themed teams. Thank you for that, sweetie. I can't be an IP that already exists because again, Adel, the merch, the merch, we can't go into IP that already exists. It's pronounced ICP, Insane Clown Posse. And I think that's great to have maybe the Los Angeles

Insane Clown Penguins. Insane Clown Penguins. Insane Clown Penguins is very good. Igloos. Now I think that should go in Vegas. Iglo Penguins is very good. Igolos. Now, I think that should go in English. Igolos. Igolos. Igolos.

Their mascot could be an igolo. Now, while we were all talking about this, and just to get ahead of it, I did go ahead and go into our Patreon page. I made a new Patreon tier. Only eight people can access it. It is $1 million to get in, and it is to get a franchise in Penguin Baseball. So you can build your own franchise, you can pick your city and it's limited to eight people.

So the first eight get a franchise in Penguin baseball because we need 12 teams. Let's be honest. Let's make it 50. Someone's. $50. 50 teams or 50 million? Someone's gonna actually.

Aaron. Someone's gonna. Oh, $50. I was like Aaron, surely you can't mean that you need $50 million. I know Penguin baseball is all a big big it's just a big like rug pole We're just trying to get people in to get money, but come on beat me Someone's gonna be accidentally financially ruined

I'm tech. I'm drafting a Text to Janet Varney right now Should I just say who says drafting a text? I'm gonna say penguin baseball team. Are you in or are you out? You know like a text draft folder that you could save, do you? Do you want your own Penguin Baseball Team? You don't have a text draft folder? Casey said his team is the Jacksonville Jackasses.

I love it. What are your colors? Dad, that's really gonna be important. We're calling dibs now on these things. These things matter. Okay, I want, why I wanna hold a few dibs now on these things, these things matter. Okay, I want, well, I want to hold a few dibs. I want silver, darker silver, I want forest green, or Kermit green, I want Kermit green.

Kermit green. You can't have dibs and dipping dots, you're monopolizing all of the ice cream treats. Kermit green and gray is your colors? These are colors of the future. Kermit green and gray, I don't know if that works well. I need to, here's what I need to do. I need some time to consult with a designer.

My friend Erin Keefe is very good with sort of colors and sort of layout of everything, aesthetic. So I'm gonna talk to her when I have a chance. Yeah. I would say green and white is really good for you at all. I feel like it reminds me of plaid. Green and white plaid. You have to have plaid.

I just heard back from Aaron Keefe, my penguins are plaid penguins, with a magician's top hat, holy silver. Casey said shit brown and weird shit green, so Casey doesn't want his merch flying off the shelves. Yeah, maybe you're gonna sell it to the folks at Jacksonville. Hold on. I'll say this,

a baseball season for whatever the human version of baseball is that no one even really remembers, because it's almost irrelevant at this point, the regular season is like 180 games or something like that. It's just a ton of games. Yeah. So here's my take with Penguin Baseball. I think we double it.

I think we do like 300 games. What else are they doing? I just said all over my microphone. People have jobs and stuff and lives and whatever. Penguin baseball I think should be about 300 games a year. I have never, I'm crying. A lot of, almost all these penguins are going from making zero dollars a year

to making several thousand a year. And just very quickly, I do want to point out something. Erin, moments ago you said, I think jokingly, but correct me if I'm wrong, I think you said, "'Wow, Casey, you really don't want your merch "'flying off the shelves.'" I think we should nip that kind of language in the bud, because if we start saying flying off the shelf,

a lot of Penguin fans are not gonna come to the games. Oh yeah, we also won't have things like fly balls, like that. No, that's insulting. You can't have that. You know, I think if I'm a Penguin and I can't fly, and someone says, these are really flying off the shelf or fly ball. Coming up with ideas on the fly, yeah.

Well, we won't get that. I think a tear rolls down my cheek. I think it freezes to my cheek because we're in a rink and I think I walk out. I think also having something like a foul ball, that's gotta be out as well because people will be like, oh, bird pun, I get it. That's what we do.

We lean into it, F-O-W-L. And what it is, it's when a chicken grabs a ball because it thinks it's their egg and flies off of it. Well, they can't really fly. You think chickens can't fly? They can't, like, fly, fly. They're not, like, soaring through the sky. Wow! Aaron, we gotta drop this like, hey.

They're like, whoa! They're, like, running and jumping. And they're like, what's going on? Can I say this right now, Aaron? You are going to be a nightmare for PR for Pigwood Baseball. We gotta keep you away from the cameras because you have some antiquated ideas. I got good branding though, bitch. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

I think I have it. I think I have the song for our entire league, which is before every game, Sugar Ray's song. Well, we're gonna adjust the lyrics. Sugar Ray's, I don't wanna fly. I don't wanna fly. That does draw a lot of attention to it, does it not? I was really excited about that.

Okay. So I know that we- It's got the one word in it that we said we can't use. I say we all come up with some penguin names, but also I will make a channel in our Discord where you can request and make up penguin baseball player names that we can pull from if you want your Penguin to be drafted.

And the only people that will be able to join that channel to the people who pay a billion dollars and the new Patreon Penguin baseball tier to get their own keep. That's pretty cheap for a Penguin baseball team. I know, you're getting it on the ground floor. We can't say cheap, we have to nip that language in the bud. Yeah, we can't say cheap. We have to nip that language in the bud. Oh, cheap cheap.

Yeah, people will get that cheap cheap. In the next two months, I will organize this episode and we will have our first annual Penguin Baseball League draft. What if this was the last time we ever thought about, mentioned or talked about Penguin Baseball? Huh. And like every listener was like-

That would be, that actually is the move. Waiting for the next Penguin Baseball. Huh. And like every listener was like. That would be, that actually is the move. Waiting for the next Penguin Baseball episode to drop. Also I firmly do believe that this episode should be titled Public Access 8. No, don't do it. It should be like B. Oh, it will be. It will be, absolutely.

Ugh, poor people. People will be so mad. People are gonna be so mad. They love those episodes. Here's something I wanna pause it. But I do, Casey had a good idea too. So I will say that an alt idea should be calling this Penguin Access One.

I think, well I think I said that earlier. I think because I'm having true terrible anxiety picking between the great penguins as magicians and the plaid penguins, I think to help with expansion, to help to start, we should each have two teams. Oh no. We should each have two teams.

I'm overwhelmed. Erin, how many Penguin baseball players does that put us on the hook for each? If we all have two teams, hold on. 240. Hold on. Cause I'll be honest, I do like the idea of having another team

because I wanted to do a team in Philadelphia. And by that, I mean a team in Baltimore, Maryland. But I think that off the top of my dome, I think like... That's 260 players. Oh my God. Wait. Oh, that's in total 260 players. Okay, got it. I also have to say, human baseball teams, I didn't notice I didn't say normal,

human baseball teams are so overstuffed. There's so many players who barely play. There's only so many people who take the field, right? Or there's a lot of like, like we mentioned, designated hitters, backup pitchers, all this stuff, because there tends to be a lot of injuries in a four hour game.

So I don't know if we need a full, what do we say, 24 man roster? Sorry, 24 bird roster? Bird roster. I think we can do with fewer people per team. I do as well. And I also think that the four hour game thing is also insane.

These games should be 25 minutes max. Yes. As soon as the first egg is pitched, timer starts 25 minutes, no stops, no pauses, no timeouts. People play all the way through. I would like to come back to this because I wanna buy my merch for my team and I want people to care.

And I wanna come back to this. We have to have 300 games for each team in a season. So every time someone comes to a Penguin baseball game, you're probably gonna see five, six, seven Penguin baseball games. There's gonna be 25 minute chunks at a time. Yeah. And with, I gotta say as an owner,

I'm a little concerned about the bottom line in terms of like season tickets are gonna be pretty expensive. I think what we do is during the, so 300 some games a, that leaves about 64 days where there are no games, but I guess there's also playoffs and then of course the Chill series, which is what we'll call the World Series.

Here's what I think is that during the non-game days, we should be renting out our rinks for big venue acts to bring in more income. Now I think this is something we can talk about off air. I think they should all be bird things. Billy Joel. The eagles, huh? What?

I love that. The eagles. And then what are two more examples? I mean, there's the birds, but I think they're all dead, maybe. I think they're all dead. Cheryl Crow dead Cheryl Crow And they and they have to just constantly rotate between several stadiums, uh-huh. Yes. I'm sorry rings ranks ranks several stadiums. Uh-huh.

Rings. I'm sorry, rings. Rings, rings. This is looking to be in pretty good shape. I think we're, I think this is a very clean, organized discussion. I think Penguin Baseball is in a really great place. Yes. Should we just get to some public access?

I think we should. Okay. What are my options? Okay. Okay, what are my options? Okay, JPC Your options are quiz kids San Fran simple science or Aaron I actually texted one to you to tell JPC Oh Cm it is Neptune oh no, sorry guys. Nope. I did the episode. Sorry. Sorry. I'll take the second one Sorry, sorry. I'll take the second one, you guys.

Go Las Vegas Icebergs, baby! That was Clue Crew. So now here's a who's who. The relatable host was Aaron Keefe. If you rolled your pies, it's because of Avril Raffae or that other young guy fucking JPC. Casey, Tony, Edd, and what everybody said. And M. Mowgli, Cardamus did the logo.

Arnie Parrott sang and wrote every single friggin' note of one, two, three, four, hate riddle, riddle, screw crew. Take me out to the ice rink. Take me out to the birds. Buy me frozen hot chocolate and penguini. I don't care if I ever get springy. We'll workshop, we'll workshop. Yeah, we'll workshop that.

This actually might be my favorite episode we've ever done, is that bad? Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's pretty bad.