Hey Riddle Riddle - *UNLOCKED* Clue Crew #250: Melancholy and the Infinite Santas

Episode Date: December 1, 2024

Listen to more episodes with a 7 day free trial at our Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Oh, Christmas time comes but once a year, with Santa Claus spreading presents and cheer. He flies through the sky, gifts piled high in his sleigh, for the children to open upon Christmas Day. And while this act brings both joy and elation, Should we not consider his deeds' implication? How does Santa, that jolly old gnome, have time to visit every child's home? As Earth's population continues to grow, his time stays consistent.

And so that ratio should Theoretically spiral out of control and yet not once has he failed his Christmas goal How could this be man has pondered for ages? yet doctors Philosophers druids and sages have all come up short in their explanation. Until, well that is, for this humble narration. Who am I? Not important. I'd rather not say. But I have a perversion that involves Christmas Day. Peeping Tom, Looky Lou, a voyeur if you're French, I gaze into windows while cranking my wrench. Look I know I'm a monster but please hear me out

for I witnessed a scene that you must hear about. At the North Pole this Christmas all covered in snow there's's me, pants pulled down, pressed to the window. And when I gazed in, what did I see but a room full of Santas staring back at me. Man, they beat my ass. I know I deserved it. I am, after all, an old Christmas pervert. And if you call me a liar, well that would be a shame. For I tell you this, truly. When they beat me, I came. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho What was that? Oh, just another Christmas pervert. I chased him off, don't worry about it. Okay.

Oh, well done, old chap. Very good. As I say in my classic phrase, pip pip pip. I know that you all say ho ho ho, but me, Father Christmas, I'm a little bit more refined. If Father Christmas ever tell you about the time that I, um... Um... What was I saying? Yes, out with it, chap. Haven't got all day. Thatcher wants me home by midnight. Oh, is it? Midnight?

What month is it? It's December, old boy. It's Christmas Eve. It's the 24th. We all have to go to work at midnight. Yes. Hey, can I ask you guys a favor? Could you... Can we just not with this right now? Because it's like, this is our last moment of chill before like Christmas starts in earnest

and all the Santas, we have to go out and could you just, could we not? I'm too young to retire. Stop trying to push me out of here. I'll push you back. Ow, you hurt me when I pushed you. Oh dear, you forgot your spectacles every year with this one. I mean, eventually all the Santas have to go at some point. There's just too many, and of course new Santas will arise and

appear organically on Earth somewhere buried under rubble to take the place of the retired Santas. You will have to drag old Santa out of here because this is my dream job and I got another thousand years in me. Come on, come on Santa. I mean, obviously you're, you're like, you're old. You're very old.

Quiz me, test me. Do whatever you gotta do. You didn't know what month it was. What day is Christmas? Yeah, sure. Sometimes, I think it's Tuesday. No. Tuesdays, right?

This is turning into a Cave Santa issue all over again. Remember Cave Santa, the very first Santa ever? How we let him work for too long, and by the end it was just really bad? Yeah, but that's not gonna happen with me. I'm young, I'm nimble, see? And I kick up my heels. Oh, broke your leg. Yep.

Old Santa, can I ask you a question? I know, look, I know I'm just a little regional Santa, okay? I'm like a, I'm Fort Wayne Santa, so I'm like, I'm small potatoes. You work your way up, kid. Now give me some cheese. I don't have ambitions. I love where I am, I love what I do. I'm Fort Wayne Santa and that's just what I'll be

I gotta ask you a question Why don't you just take the retirement? Tell me that it's not that you believe the rumors how there is no retirement It's just the original Santa taking you out behind the Santa shed Taffy you gaze off into the distance and saying there the retirement train is coming as he like blasts you in the head What Wayne's index and they come sit on my lap? I'll tell you a little story Bo I'm not gonna return. Your bones are so brittle I'm not gonna sit on your lap. Avian bones, avian bones. Two two parts of the story. Get out of my lap. Oh god so strong. I heard a crunch. Part number one, old Santa's got a bit of a gambling problem. From January

through April of every year I go to Vegas and I gamble away most of my money don't have much of a retirement fund. And then part number two, I don't think there is a retirement I think to take you out and to shoot you in the back of the head. I've seen your bets. This old Santa bets on the Sacramento Kings to win the Super Bowl. The Sacramento Kings to win the Super Bowl. They're playing the Celtics in the Super Bowl. They're both favored to win. In February? Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I don't know if it's true, the rumor that, you know, Santa takes you out behind, you know, but I hear we have a good pension. Oops, sorry, said that wrong.

We have good venison for the rest of our days. All the deer you can eat. I, I, um, I don't eat the deer because they're... Um, yeah, old Santa, wake up. Uh, tip, tip. Hey, you know that, um, these aren't the original reindeer, right? You know that every year we cook and eat them and then we have new ones and we rename them the same names

to keep the illusion alive. Father Christmas, let me tell you something. You tell him, I don't know, you talking to me like I don't, you're so condescending. You went to Oxford or you think yes You're just cuz your suit is nicer. I shoot Oxford boys, we never forget anything we ace all our tests and we are Bringing we love our moms and dads and we all bow to the queen.

Old Oxford boys now becoming Oxford teens. That was our song. Fort Wade Santa, I'm gonna fight him. I'm gonna fight him. No, no, look, hey, look, wait. Please, can we just not, can we just calm down, okay? We're all Santas here. Let's just relax.

We're all Santas here, okay. Let's enjoy this. This is our last moment to just like be before the fucking crush starts. Did somebody say, let's enjoy this? Bernardernernernernernernernernernernernernernernernerner Oh no. Nernernernernernernern. Is that Lionel Richie Santa? What is that?

Nernernernernernernernern. Carolus Santa? Oh, Sexy Santa. Sexy Santa. Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner me a teddy bear, bear spelled B-A-R-E. Yeah, I'm just getting ready for Christmas Eve. You know how it is, baby. You guys relaxing, getting nimble before the big night? Sexy Santa, could you put a shirt on? I could, but my arms are so tired from arm day, baby. Hurts to lift them over my head, baby. Don't! You know what?

This is Bad Vibes. I'm gonna go outside. I'm gonna try to cool off. Of course. Sexy Santa, we were just talking about the reindeer. I don't know if you know or have noticed, but I myself, Father Christmas, of course, ride ponies. I ride horses around on my sleigh.

Of course, Old Santa uses reindeer. What does Sexy horses around on my sleigh. Of course, old Santa uses reindeer. What does sexy Santa use for his sleigh? Oh, that's easy. I ride gym equipment through the sky. Oh, a bow flex, I see. Apropos, there's a bow on it, yes, of course. And if that's not working, I ride my waterbed all the way to the roofs of all the hot single ladies.

I go down their chimneys, wink, leave them a couple of gifts, wink, and I do my thing. Yeah, I do the same thing. I go to the ladies' houses, I leave gifts, and that's what I do too, old Santa. Very good. Well, sexy Santa, it's great to see you. I mean, famously, one of the most coveted

and written to Santas. We have some of your letters here from some of the single women. Shall I read them? Oh, read them to me. Lays down on couch, eats an apple. Oh, that's old Santa, that's not a couch. Oh, sorry, old man. That's not a couch. Oh, sorry old man.

I have some crunches. That's okay, Santa used to spit people's cinnamon up on my Santa. Dear sexy Santa, please, oh please, oh please, come again, wink smiley face, eggplant drawing. Let's see here. Boring, I get those all the time. Did you know that Santa Baby was written about me?

Hmm, I thought it was written about Baby Santa. Baby Santa? Yes? Gagagoohoohoohoo. Baby Santa, are you going out this year? Yeah, yeah, I'm going out this year, gagagoohoohoohoo. Very good, very good. I just wanted to let everyone know the chili is ready.

They do exist. Oh no, oh. Whoops. I catch him before he falls and cracks his head. Oh, I almost fainted. Eminem commercial Santa, is that you? It's me and I just wanted to let everyone know the chiliies ready the Santa chili It's got everything beans meat to make tomato. It does exist Quite a bit did someone say commercial Santas. Ho ho ho, I'm hungry. He does exist.

Okay, guys, guys, guys, we're sort of in here right now, okay? We're just trying to relax before the big night. It's me, Sexy Santa. I'm just saying, like, maybe we slow down the amount of people coming in this room, the pace that we're going at. I can't write this fast. Well, I think we all have at. I can't write this fast. Well, I think we all have two.

I don't know. I think you got three. Science Santa, could you come over here for a moment? One moment. I've almost got it. Dasser, a bit of breath in. Yes. Whoa, what was it? Santa's assistant? Well, um, sir, I don't know how to tell you this. I know it's Christmas Eve and all, but, um, we fucked up one of the reindeer's noses and it's glowing and we don't know from what. Put a dollar in the Santa jar. Sorry. Uh, sorry.

That goes to Santas who need help. A little more Santa assistance for the holidays. You'll have to pay no kill me. Hahaha! Oh no! What have you done to the Rudolph clone? We'll kill it, sir, right? Yes, of course. Well, we won't kill it, but uh, we'll let Original Santa take it to a Santa retirement home specifically for Rudolphs.

And it's right behind the big barn. Wink. Yeah, I know that all the Rudolphs... What are you winking at before? Oh, sorry. Yeah, nothing. I know that all the reindeer are sort of uniform, but this one, sir, we can't get it right. It's the red nose again. It's the red nose again. I fear that we're getting too far away from the original clone. The molecular breakdown is starting to affect it too much. Ah, think, think, Science Center. Use your science powers. Ah. powers okay okay what we're here yes send this one off said this where I was it go off listen to me hey behind the barn goes the original center he'll set you

up on a nice train to the Rudolph farm you'll love it very much sweet release oh no no it'll all be okay Fred. Okay, okay. Start again. Here's the original Rudolph, um... Oh my god, Santa must have run out of bullets. I think he's doing it with his hands. Bullets? What do you mean bullets? Nothing, nothing. Doesn't matter. Science Santa, what were you saying? Okay, so we have the original vial of Rudolph. Oh, yeah, this is nasty. Have we been refrigerating this? Smells rotten, sir.

Yeah, this is nasty. Have we been refrigerating this? Smells rotten, sir. Okay, uh, no worries. Just take a little nip. Oh my gosh, sure. It's less than 50 minutes until they start going on the sleaze. We need a Rudolph. Try a little.

Tastes weird. No, man, why would you? I hate people who do that. Take a nip for science. People who eat or smell something bad and their impulse is to make someone else eat it or smell it, don't be like that, science kid. Science assistant Santa, do you want to be a science Santa when I retire and go to the awesome farm

for all the other science centers? Yes, sir. Then take a little nip of the spoiled Rudolph and try to figure out what the fucking problem is. Put a dollar in the Santa jar. Hey, I was just coming in here to see if I could get a reindeer so I could head out. Maybe like a lowrider reindeer.

It's me. I'm giving out the presents. I'm giving out the toys. I'm making merry Christmas for the girls and boys. Santa Rhea! Santa Rhea, we have your low rider, it's in the shop. Go, go, we're doing important science here. Thank you.

Ah, short legs, sweet. Um, Santa, call me crazy, but there's just an assistant talking here. What if we kept the glowing red nose on Rudolph so he could, and I'm just spitballing here, guide the sleigh tonight? If there's a storm or something? That's a terrible idea.? I don't know. That's a terrible idea.

Oh, okay. You almost got yourself fired. You almost lost your job tonight. Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. I don't know. But I have an idea. That makes me think of an idea. What if the degenerated Rudolph that we're using right now,

we actually keep it this way, and he uses that big glowing red nose of his to guide all the other Santa's slaves tonight. Whoa! Sorry, I'm just getting a phone call from Original Santa. Wow! That's amazing! I'll tell him right now. Did he say me? Did he say my name? Original Santa? Did he say my name? It's time for you to retire. Oh, goody! Your number's been called.

OK. So much to do, so many people to thank. You know where everything is in the lab. You're the science center now. Good luck making the reindeer. Oh, I have to pack a bag and get my fishing hat. I heard there's fishing at the center science farm. Oh, I feel bad.

I feel bad. Hello. I feel bad. I feel bad. Hello. Ho ho ho. Step into my office. It's that time of year again for your review. Uh, hey, I know that um... Eh? Sneezy Santa is supposed to be next, but they sent me Ma Santa in instead. Is that okay? Yes, of course. Come on in. Let's see here.

Let's get you okay all the information. Oh it seems like huh nothing go ahead. So it seems like this year once again you are phoning it in to where people think you're just a guy playing Santa and not an actual Santa, which you are. Sir, I gotta tell you, it's been really rough down there this year. I freak kids out. Yes. People will put their babies on my lap or they'll hand me their kids and their kids will sort of look and something will feel off. They'll read right through me, sir.

They think I'm a phony. Yes, well, I guess you have to sell it more. I've provided you with ample elves to photograph all your moments so you can review and learn. Yeah, they're all petulant teens though, sir. They all hate their jobs. Please send nicer elves down. Well, you know that elves are eternally petulant teens. Not a lot of elves are really mature, and the ones that do don't want to be elves anymore. What about, could we move you to another sector?

Yeah, sure sir, I'm open to it. I can't eat any more mall food. It's absolutely destroying my stomach. Yes, it seems like you've, you haven't put on weight. Of course we're all Santas, we all have our own ups and downs, but it seems like you've, um... You haven't put on weight. Of course, we're all Santas. We all have our own ups and downs, but it seems like... I know that. Your skin is terrible.

Yeah, it's just... Yeah, I'm drinking like Orange Julius like every day. Oh, shit. Yikes. Um, well, we did have to... I just, right before you came in, I don't know if you saw him storm off, I did have to let Krampus go because... No, not Krampus! Yes, Krampus in. I don't know if you saw him storm off I did have to let Krampus go because no not Krampus Yes Krampus because I don't know if you've noticed but it'll be a thing

We're like I put a present under a tree and then he'll come down the chimney once I leave and he'll take away a present He's sort of like an anti Santa like he kind of negates You know what we do cool. So is the Krampus position open? Can I sort of be like that kind of naughty, anti-Christmas Santa? Well, I was trying to do away with any naughtiness or anti-Santaness, but if you pitch- Blech, oh, sorry, I'm just for-ing juice.

Oh, full Auntie Anne's pretzel. Yeah, and a full unshewed Auntie Anne's pretzel. My break is like 30 seconds. Are you? So you swallow it like a duck. Yeah, I do the uh, uh, uh, like back, my neck going back thing. No, I know what a duck swallowing looks like. Please transfer me, sir.

I can't be there anymore. Please, sir. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've been waiting out here for like two hours. And we are getting closer to time to leave. Can I just have a quick thing? And I just, can I just, I'm sorry, I had to take

your time, but I need a transfer. I just have to have a transfer. What? No, I'm asking for a transfer. Oh, okay. Um, well. You're asking for a transfer. This is perfect, right? We can do a transfer. Oh, let's transfer. Yeah, let's do it. Okay. You can swap in which, sorry, my eyes fail me. Which Santa are you? Sorry. Yeah, I'm new. You've probably never seen me before. This is my actual first year being a Santa. And I just got my Santa assignment and it looks like I have to let Tim Allen kill me on a roof?

Send me back to the mall. Send me back to the mall, please, sir. No, I'll go to the mall. I'll go to the mall. I'll go to the mall. Sorry. The magic's already... My eye has already twinkled with a wink, so the magic has happened. You two have swapped positions, so why don't you go on head down let Tim Allen kill you and it's murder. This is Mall of America that mall has everything. Oh I took it for granted I loved that mall what was I thinking please I'm begging you I'm on my knees. I know that this is my first year being Santa but I think that I'm gonna like being a mall Santa. Hey, and good luck to you getting killed

by Tim Allen on a roof. No, no, please, no, no, take me with you, no! Okay, if you are in this room, that means you had a poor performance review. Someone in this room tonight will be going to Florida. I know everyone wants to skip Florida. Every Santa doesn't want to go, but one of y'all is gonna have to go, okay?

Can I ask a question sorority Santa? Yes. But also, just so you know, you are absolutely, your outfit is not up to code, it is not what we believe in and it is not who we are, okay? Oh, I'm thrift store Santa. This is cool. This is like my thing.

It's a Tasmanian Devil t-shirt with like acid wash, baggy jeans, air walks. So my question was, does Florida need Santas? Because I know when I get at least my naughty lists, it seems like Florida is like really a really thick part of the binder. Yes, it is 57% naughty. Okay. But that there are people who are stuck there and we have to go there anyway, okay? Can I just say, can I just say, it's bullshit that I'm here. Just because I'm Beach Santa doesn't mean I should be in Florida. There are plenty of places in the world with beach that are not Florida. Oh, I wish that dog would stop biting and pulling down the back of your shorts. That's uh, I don't think that's cool.

Not me, I like who I am. Yeah Beach Santa It's not just that you're Beach Santa. You're also like a fucking weirdo man. If I can be honest, you're sort of weird. Okay Look, we all got to be Santa the same way a child drew us one time It's not my fault that the child who happened to draw me beach Santa, kind of like a copper-toed Santa with my underwear getting pulled down by a little dog, happened to go on to be like a mass murderer or whatever and be like a really bad, evil dude.

I was drawn by the mind of a child. We're all the same. Yeah, we're all the same, so why even bring it up? Okay, I have to read this full disclosure before one of you volunteers to go to Florida. Yes, the last six Santas who have done Florida Christmas have gotten eaten by alligators, yes. Can I just say, can I just say,

I just don't, can I just, I don't think I can go to Florida because I'm a dietary restriction Santa and it's just like a lot of the food there, just like it doesn't actually agree with me, so. I won't be able. You are on the top of the list. You just shot right to the top of the list. No, please, I have to take a shot. It is a shot. You can have

Butterbeer at Harry Potter World, you can figure it out. Ooh, can, how about this? A compromise, we email everyone in Florida, we email them Wawa gift cards for Christmas. That way we don't have to go. We tried that in Florida, we email them wah-wah gift cards for Christmas. That way we don't have to go. We tried that in 2013 and it made Florida worse, okay? If we're gonna make the state better, if we are gonna turn things around,

we can't leave behind the good people of Florida. Yes, is it only a couple of them? Sure, of course. Are you probably gonna get eaten by an alligator when you go? Obviously, yes. Or someone's gonna shoot a firework right into you. That's what They do in Florida. Excuse me. I have a question.

Yes. Wild West Santa here. Sorority Santa, is it true that you're married to one of the Coca-Cola polar bears? We are separated currently. He caught me with the Charmin bear. So we are just trying to work things out downgrade. Yeah, it's a real steak to hamburger situation. Okay, Wild West Santa. Yee-ho!

Horny Santa, anything to add? Do you want to volunteer? Oh, unbelievable. Okay, horny Santa it is. You are headed to Florida. Stamp stamp. And next assignment. Uh, hey, uh, I don't know, you know, we're on our way down to the world to deliver presents, but I just want to let you know that after this delivery, Action Hero Santa's gonna retire. I think I've delivered enough presents and I want you, my sidekick, to know. What do you say, Sidekick Santa? You ready to fill my shoes? Wait, really, Action Hero Santa?

That's right. What's Sidekick Santa without Action Hero Santa? Well, I'm letting you know that once I go, I'm gonna give you my gun. And give you my suit and my sunglasses. I don't know if I can handle the recoil or the re-cool from the sunglasses. You're gonna have to work on that. See, I don't have it. I just don't have it. You know, it's like, you deliver a present to a school, right, you drop all the gifts during, you know,

first period while they're in school, and then as they open it, you show up and you say, everybody present, and then you whip off your sunglasses, give a big wink, and then jump out the window. Stuff like that. That's how Action Hero Santa rolls. Okay, give me another scenario, Action Hero Santa. Let me try it. Okay, so you just delivered a bunch of presents to a Cracker Barrel.

And then somebody catches you. What do you say? Okay, I've just delivered a bunch of Cracker Barrel, I'm exiting through the Cracker Barrel. Hold on, you haven't delivered a bunch of Cracker Barrel, that's Cracker Barrel's job. You've delivered a bunch of presents to Cracker Barrel. Presents to the Cracker Barrel? I'm in the gift shop, I'm browsing, I'm looking at some of the lollipops and the stick candy, the hard rock candy, and someone comes up to me and says, hey, table for two? And I say, no, I'm here alone, my mentor retired, he's not here right now.

No, it's not cool, snappy, quick, a catchphrase. Okay, okay, and then I say, I'll have a table for one, I'm dining alone, my mentor retired. God damn it, Psychic Santa. Let's go with something- See, I don't have it, I don't have the juice like damn it, Psychic Santa. Let's go with something. See, I don't have it. I don't have the juice like you have, Action Hero Santa. Let's go to something a little more simple.

Please. Maybe you go to like, oh, you know, like a- Yeah, I feel like you were starting me out with like the hardest question on the SATs. Okay, so let's say that you go to like, you go to a granite quarry, right? Oh, yeah. A mineral deposit, right? Sure. Yeah, you go to a granite quarry, right? Oh yeah. A mineral deposit, right?

Sure. Yeah, you deliver presents to the people working at the quarry. You hand them the presents and you say, Does anyone know where the bathroom is? It took me forever to find this place. And also, you guys work on Christmas? Of course they work on Christmas.

Mineral deposits is a year-round occupation. Okay, even simpler. You go to a high school prom, right? Good, perfect. You deliver presents to the high school prom. It's just about midnight on Christmas Eve. Classic prom time. You give everyone a present, and then you say...

If you dump blood on me, I'll come back here and kill every one of you. That's better. That's closer, right? I'm making a stop here. Why don't you hop out and see Original Santa just behind that dumpster over there? Original Santa behind the dumpster? I don't have... I have another 50 years before my retirement. That's the only reason anyone goes to see Original Santa. No, yeah, he wanted to talk to you about that, because we're trying to get ahead of social security and everything, just so more Santas have a financial future. And of course, you know, Original Santa, that having Original Santa leads to the hypothesis that an extra-c extra crispy Santa exists. I don't know if anybody's seen him, but...

Are my ears burning? Yeah, they are, they are. Ah! Wow, I've never seen an extra crispy Santa. Hey everybody, I'm Comedy Santa. I'm here to warm you up before you get in your sleighs and head out for the night. Can I get a ho, ho, ho from the audience?

Ho, ho, ho. All right, I'm gonna start you off with some jokes, okay? Who wants to hear some Christmas jokes? Yeah, Christmas jokes. What is green, covered in Christmas lights and Christmas bulbs, and goes Ribbit? What? A mistletoe! Santa's really in his bag!

What is every parent's favorite Christmas song? I don't know! What? Silent Night! You get it? Because people don't like it when their kids speak What did Adam say on the day before Christmas Something about Eve. It's Christmas Eve. I got ahead of that one. No, no, you didn't laughs. Oh Good one, Jake. Thank you. Jake Santa, don't, okay? What?

This is all I have. I have nothing else. Oh, we got someone trying to be funny in the crowd tonight. Okay, Jake Santa, you tell a Christmas joke. Mike's in your face. Well Comedy Santa, that backfired. Who knew Jake Santa would be so goddamn funny? Yeah, let's go back in time and hear some of the jokes he told.

No, look, Santa, I- Please, I want- whoosh! Whoosh! You should have written him down. You should have written him down. Whoosh back! We can whoosh, we're magic. Whoosh!

I'm club promoter Santa and I gotta say they're just not calling this year okay no listen to me you don't have it anymore kid whoosh back to the memory you will see what happened he did not do as good as you say and we know what happened to the door handles trying to move back into the memory Jake's back Jake said to kill He had the Santas in stitches! They said boo to you Comedy Santa! They booed you off the stage! I think I have a video of it on my phone.

Presses play. Boo! Get off the stage! Boo! We want Jake Santa! We want Jake Santa! It's a long video. You get to hear at least four of Jake Santa's jokes.

That was the end of it. You must have clicked in. Why are you doing this? I don't it. You must've clicked the end. Why are you doing this? You're not even the one who has to do it. I'm Club Promoter Santa. Be on my side here. That's what we fucking do here.

You are making me any money. You don't get it. You're done Comedy Santa. I have to cut you. I have to cut you. I'm fine with that. As long as, let's go. If he's performing at the club tonight,

I wanna hear Jake Santa tell some of his jokes. Grab your wrist. Good, well I just happen to have two tickets to hear Jake Santa at a sold out Christmas Eve show tonight. I'm ready to hear it, let's go. Oh, I'm not taking you. You're old news. I'm taking one of my perspective comedy Santas,

a real up and comer, blue humor Santa. Isn't that right blue humor Santa? Ho ho ho, suck my dick. Okay well we still can go see that scene, we just follow you now, huh? Follow me now? Why don't you follow you to the unemployment line and go see social security Santa and pick up your check? Whatever man. One more thing before I go.

Okay. What is a vegan's favorite Christmas Carol? Silent night? Soy to the world punch flap! My wall! Oof. Uh. Debbie, I just want to say this is a fantastic dinner. Um, thank you so much for making this.

Um, and I know this is a weird tradition, but I every year just wanna stay up, have a nice 11, 30 p.m. dinner, and try and catch Santa delivering toys. Ever since I was a kid, it's been a dream of mine to catch Santa, is that crazy? I know, I know, and that's why I planned this whole thing out. I mean, he should be here any second, right? Thank you, and thank you for the Red Bull cocktails. This has really helped me sort of stay alert.

Of course, we're grownups. We can do whatever we want. Abs-absolutely. Absolutely. Oh! Oh, did you hear that? It sounded like a bang on the roof. Okay, let's hide. There's a knock at the door. Oh, okay, I'll get it. Wasn't a bang on the roof. Knock at the door. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Um, hello? Hey, ho ho ho. Uh, may I come in? It's pretty cold out here. Are you Santa? Uh, in a matter of speaking, yeah, I'm Santa. Uh, can I come in please? We were waiting for you sort of as a cute, romantic joke. You don't exist. Again, I'd love to explain. It's pretty cold out here.

I would love to come inside. Hey, if you were real Santa, you would have come down the chimney. Honey, who's there? One second. I'd love to come inside. Hey, if you were real Santa, you would have come down the chimney. Honey, who's there? One second. Um, look, I'll be honest with you. I'm not here for you. I'm here for him.

What do you mean here for him? I'm bad news, Santa. I am the Santa that goes to little children all across the world to let them know in person that they're too old for Santa and they have to move on. Oh, he's not a kid. Oh, I know. He's, let's see, his name is Doug Sanderson.

He's 37 years old and he's celebrating Santa. He's celebrating Christmas tonight. My boyfriend. Yeah, your boyfriend. This is your first date, right? You could be honest, this is your first date. Not a lot of action on the apps. Yeah, we've been talking online though for a while. Twelve hours. Not a while. How do you know this? I'm Bad News Santa.

We have a dossier on all of the people that we're doing bad news to. Again, I'm not here for you. Hey, sorry. I had to come over. Usually at Oh, sorry, I had to come over. Usually at 11.59 p.m., there's not a lot of people. Oh, oh my god, are you, are you Santa? Don't get excited. In a matter of speaking, I'm Santa, yes. I knew it. I had this theory, Debbie, back me up.

I have this theory that there's a whole Santa verse. There's multiple types. There's diabetic Santa, which can't eat milk and cookies. Well, that's really the only one I thought about. Are you talking about your drawings? Yes, yes. He draws Santas for fun. We are aware, we are aware.

You draw, and this is just me saying this, some of the worst Santas that I've ever seen. What, Teenage Mutant Ninja Santa is bad? Teenage Mutant Ninja Santa is one of the only Santas we've ever had to put down. He was in horrible pain. Snake Santa? You're telling me that's a bad idea? You got to start drawing internal organs when you draw. Draw internal organs? Anyway look I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas. Don't tell

him. Don't tell me what? What's going on? Don't tell me what? You're not on my list, so technically I can't ruin your Christmas. Don't tell you that you won the Christmas lottery. I knew it, I knew it. This is the year. It pays to stay up. Just keep, ooh, constant vigilance.

Just keep staying up and one day you'll be rewarded. What's, ooh. You get to ride in the sleigh. you get to ride in the sleigh. You get to ride in the sleigh. Oh my God. Oh, this is a dream. This is my winter mobile. This is my bad mobile.

In my sleigh, it's a, uh, to 2008 Volkswagen jet up. Oh, it's, oh, that one over there. Yeah, no, yeah, that's not that. That one. I don't know who's that is. Mine is right down there. It's, it's really beat up. Oh, it's a Volkswagen.

Well, I had a drawing when I was 17, which was a German soda Santa. It was Fanta Santa. And I had a whole song, Want a Santa, Don't you, Don't you want a Santa. So does he exist? What does he drive? He's actually awesome. He drives a, it's like a Coke freestyle machine, but it's only Fanta. I knew it. Wow. He's one of the best. This is incredible. He's one of the best. That's why you're 37.

You're just meeting me now because you have had a couple of really good ideas for Santas. Okay. Am I passing your seat or I didn't get to drive? Anyway, Debbie? Was it Debbie? Yeah. You have a great rest of your night. Okay.

Well, there's probably another Santa that's's gonna come here, right, and leave presents for me under my tree? Oh yeah, of course. There's a sad woman in her thirties single Santa. Oh, shut up. I'm fine. I'm so rich. Debbie.

What? I have a dossier. I'm rich in friends in hobby. Debbie in Credit card debt. I'm rich Okay, you know what? I begin. I'm not here for you I'm but I am looking you working a candle store that close You weirdo bad news into you're kind of a fucking dick. Are you dick Santa? I Just read the dossier. I mean, that's...

Ugh, whatever. Oil this for me. I really want to drive in this Volkswagen Jetta. I'm going to bed. Slam. She went to bed in your house. Huh. I think she might be in between places. It doesn't matter. Are you ready to take a ride in the Jetta? Yes. This is amazing. Let me...

Hey, how would you like to visit the farm where the Santas go when they retire Wow? Absolutely, is there like pig Santa and chicken Santa and all that hey, why don't we listen to the radio on the way sure? It's hard to talk over this But I'll make it I'll make it work Yeah, pretty hard to talk over this. I'll but I'll make it I'll make it work so What else what else is there an assassin Santa like does he have one list and it's just like Okay, I am safety Santa I am here to check out the safety of your sleigh and your reindeer

Before you take off. Can you lift your arms above your head for me? Yeah, of course pull on your seat belt seat belt seems to Be working Describe what kind of sancho you are and what your sleigh is today Sure. I am Apathetic Santa My sleigh is it's just sort of like a wooden it's sort of like a just like a wooden crate Mm-hmm, and you're planning on going through the motions tonight, sir. Yeah, just whatever can kind of get me by Have a whatever Christmas, sir. The seems safe kicking the reindeer's legs make

They're all filled up. Hey, can we hurry this up? They're all filled up. Hey, can we hurry this up? Can we hurry this up? All right coming in next. Hi, sir I am safety Santa here to check the safety of your sleigh and your reindeer What kind of Santa are you and what are you driving tonight? This is my sleigh. I am good to drive Santa I'm absolutely good to drive tonight and this is my sleigh and Boy, where did I put the thing? Oh, I'm I'm sitting in it okay good to drive Santa it says here on my clipboard that you did not get to leave last year cuz you blew holy shit 50 times over the legal limit no no I'm good to drive Santa I'm good to drive Santa you are this is not a flame

give me the thing I'm blowing the thing good to drive Santa this is not look ating. Give me the thing, give me the thing, I'll blow in the thing. Good to drive Santa, this is not, look at what you're sitting on. Does that look like a mode of transportation to you? I don't know, it looks very blurry. It looks very blurry. It's a goat. You have a goat being led by eight reindeer.

It's gonna absolutely explode, its limbs are gonna come flying off. The goat's gonna go, the goat's gonna drive. I'm gonna drive Santa, give me the thing, I'll blow into the thing. I'll blow into the thing. I'll blow into anything you want. Okay, but if you, I'm, you're gonna blow in and you're volunteering to do this. I'm gonna blow in.

And if you blow above the legal limit, you are not free to go, okay? I promise I will never drive on Santa. I'm good to drive Santa, I promise. Okay. All right. I'll blow, just blow into this end? Mm-hmm. Goat.

Goat. 100. Goat, no, no go give me your breath give me your breath Go man, are you the goat? Man, give me your breath. I can see you trying to get the goats breath. I'm sorry I'm drunk as a skunk too. You're barking up the wrong goat This guy's good to go. He's good to go. Yeah All right, I'm gonna make the goat do the drunk test. Goat, can you walk in a straight line for me, please? My, oh, hold it.

Can you say the alphabet backwards for me, please? See? See? OK, you both seem pretty drunk. I'm going to ground you. drunk. I'm gonna ground you. Fine, fine. I guess you're happy. I guess you're happy with a bunch of really divorced dads

not getting their Grimmie present in the year. I guess you're happy with that. I mean, I think Golf Dad, I think weaponized, or I think weaponized incompetent Santa will probably figure that out for them. So is nobody gonna deliver any presents to any of the frat houses at all Christmas tonight? No, they're home with their families. Who is still at a frat on Christmas Eve? The people who are asleep. The people who forgot. Speaking of sleep, I think it's time that you go lay down.

Sober up. Good to drive Santa. Sober up. I can't. I'm good to drive Santa. I can't sober up. Hey, are you gonna check my sleigh? I wanna get things going. How? Howard Dean Santa? As I live and breathe, you're good to go, slaps the ass of your sleigh. Well, I'm just like a Santa under the moon. It's the same as the sleigh that I get. Tana Santa, you're here, slaps the ass of your sleigh.

Well, hold on. I get. Tana Santa, you're here, slaps the ass of your sleigh. Well, hold on, hold on. Featuring Rob Thomas Santa. I'm Rob Thomas Santa. Who's next in my line here? Down here. Whoa. Hello. Say what kind of Santa you are and what sleigh

you're driving tonight. Of course I'm driving this sleigh that was passed down to me from my dad. I'm nepotism Santa. Oh, okay. And who do you serve on Christmas Eve? What houses are you going to? I'm going to my family's houses. Of course.

All right. Well. Terry picked the best gifts for all my family. I just got a Venmo of $5,000. Even though nothing that you're driving is up to code, I've been bought out. Sue me. My first name is Skyler. OK, Skyler Santa.

Get the hell out of here. OK. We come from oil. Get the hell out of here. Okay. We come from oil. All right, my elves, my precious elves. As you know, one of the hardest things about our job,

our sacred duty, being the original Santa and the original elves, is retiring all the Santas that can't make it another Christmas. Yes, yes Santa, yes, yes, yes, looks like Santa's back on the menu. Alright calm yourselves, calm yourselves. We have to present a demeanor of strength and resilience. What we do here tonight boys, well, I hope God can't see. I saw that old Santa's getting very old. Let's kill and eat him first. Yes, kill and eat him first.

Calm yourself, my elves. When I created you and my Santa lab all those years ago, how could I have known that the degenerative bloodlust would build inside you until every year we had to kill all the Santas and eat them who couldn't make the cut? We start as petulant teens and we turn into bloodthirsty monsters. Yes. What am I to do? I could press this big red button. I could blow the North Pole off the face of the map.

I could end all the miserable Santa lives herein. But then children wouldn't get presents. People would be unhappy all over the world. Isn't it better that instead we kill thousands of Santas every year, eat them, steal their strength and perpetuate this whole lie? Yes. Wait, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? Original Santa's looking pretty old and pretty delicious. Mutton, mutton Santa. Yum, yum, yum. No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean? I'm Pretty delicious. M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m Do you need to walk with a candy cane? No, no, I'll just watch whatever's on and I'll just sit here and my lazy boy, I mean Peloton Bike.

Name one K-pop band. Anyone? Anyone will do. K-pop? Isn't that something that you get at a Cracker Barrel store? Oh, he's a... I'm looking at your Google search history and the last thing you googled is what is my password? What is your password to what and why would Google know that he's so old? And before that it was how to not make porn show up in your Google search history. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

it's giving Santa, right? It's giving Santa. Oh, honey no. Nothing has ever sounded older. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, so bad. Yes. No! Please! My flesh! Hey excuse me I don't want to I don't want to mess with anyone's thing here I'm Fort Wayne Santa I'm happy where I am I love where I am I just watched you guys kill and eat Original Santa. Yes? I love it. So? That, no, nothing. That works for me. I'm into it.

I don't want anything else from my, I just want the people of Fort Wayne to have Christmas, but I'm here to help you guys get away with whatever it is you need to get away with. Good plan for upward mobility in this company. It seems like you really wanna get ahead. No, not a straight shooter, not trying to get ahead. Just really love Fort Wayne.

I'm just telling you that I don't wanna blow this whole thing up. Yeah, right, loving Fort Wayne. No, I do, it's genuinely, it's, you know, it's not- It's what? Oh, are you sarcasm, Santa? No, I'm, I'm, I'm Fort Wayne Santa. Name three things you love about Fort Wayne. All three are strip clubs.

Name three strip clubs. N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n- They're pretty good. Whoa, you guys eat an original Santa? That's pretty sexy of you. Huh? Hey everybody, welcome into Fort Wayne's own North Poles. Coming up next to the stage, we have a special guest who comes once a year and probably more, am I right? Please welcome to the stage, Sexy Santa. Brr-no-no-no, brr-no-no-no, brr-no-no-no, no-no-no, any hot single moms in the audience tonight?

Brr-no-no-no, no-no-no. No, it's Christmas. No, it's Christmas. No-no-no-no-no, you're welcome. Why would a mom be here on Christmas? Folks don't give him cash, he doesn't need it, can't spend it, he wants Cole's cash. Tell a joke! Yeah tell a joke, sexy Santa.

Do some comedy! Uh, what do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Boo! You're not Jake Santa! Oh but coming up to the stage next is Jake Santa! Yay! I don't know what to tell you sexy Santa you just don't have it. You're sexy but you're not funny. Do you get it? Aaron reaches through the screen it actually starts choking JPZ. J.P.Z. Neptune? Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! I don't give out lots of presents, I don't give out lots of toys, I'm wishing Merry

Christmas to the other girls and boys. ["Jingle Bells"]