Hey Riddle Riddle - *UNLOCKED* Clue Crew #263: We Fought a Zoo

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

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Music Roar! A big animal welcome to you. Welcome to the Columbus Zoo. I am Jack Hannah's nephew. My name is Hank Hannah and I will be serving you today For your ticket needs. What was it? One, please. Sorry. I have a whole spiel to get to. Oh, we pride ourselves I didn't know that that was to me. Hmm. I didn't know that you were talking to me Well, I'm looking down at my notes. We pride ourselves pride

on being the premier zoo in the United States aside from San Diego what was it I think the wink I think the wink and the rawr is supposed to be directed at me I think you're supposed to you hey man I'm gonna get through this or else I'm gonna there's cameras watching me right now no well they can't be they can't be capturing what you think of capturing if cuz that audio and video Well, okay. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I I Now here are your options for today's tour of the zoo. We have one general admission. Bleh We have two

Captain admission. Mmm. We have three full access. You get to go in any cage you want. Or we have four, a private tour given by one of our animal handler specialists. They will take you inside the animals, literally inside the animals. You've seen Ace Ventura 2. You want to pull a Jim Carrey.

You can do that with our rhinos. Which will it be? I think just... First of all, I don't know the difference between general admission and captain's admission. That one, you didn't have... Captains, you get to eat some of the animals. I think just general for me. I think just general admission. I'm an adult.

Why do you do that? Sorry, it's commission based all right oh I'm sorry I didn't know that's just our cheapest option so that'll be $425 it'd be how much $425 $425 mm-hmm think, is this a real zoo? Do you know Jeff? Who's Jeff? I'm meeting a blind date at the zoo and I thought, oh, blind date at the zoo, I think that that's like a fun, like, you know, interaction, we'll walk around, look at the animals, but like, I'm not even sure about this guy, I've never met him, and $425 is an insane amount

to pay, and I'm thinking like, is this a scam, are you and Jeff in on it, is this guy, I've never met him. And $425 is an insane amount to pay. And I'm thinking like, is this a scam? Are you and Jeff in on it? Is this like, are there gonna be animals in there? Am I gonna get killed? Can I be honest with you? Can I be honest with you? Yeah, I guess.

If you just go for our full access ticket, 50% of those people end up suing us and winning. So, pay now, now pay that fight us in court you're gonna get your money back and then some okay this is this is me off the record I'm covering my mouth so the cameras can't catch this okay that's what I would recommend why wouldn't you just do that for the beginning because I'm supposed to read the notes okay okay how much is full access how much is the full access where I get to go inside the animals? That'll be $426. I mean I'm gonna dispute this charge of my credit card anyway, so yeah, let's just go with that.

All right, here we go. Here is your pith helmet. Here's your safari jacket. Here's your rubber boots and gloves for when you enter the animals. And here is some goat feed. These are little pellets. The goats go crazy for it. I don't want them on me then. Take it back. Well then I'd say get rid of it or eat it yourself. We can't take it back.

It's been touched by humans. I'm wearing gloves! I'm sorry. The latex actually spoils it. You can't. You have to get rid of it. This guy better be the best fuck I've ever had in my entire life. I'll tell you that much

Declan Noah come over here come over what what come here come here I know I know the two of you did not want to be buddies on this field trip. I know you're acting out. I know you're in a bad mood. Okay? But the two of you need to leave these poor animals alone. You look at me. Look at me.

What? I'm not doing anything. Declan is the one who kicked the goose. I'm not doing anything. Noah, I used to date your dad and I still have his phone number. I will call him and I will tell him that you are hurting these animals. Shut up Declan! Don't lie to my dad I didn't do anything I didn't do anything!

You did you were part of it. Miss Plingle? Miss Plingle? Yes Declan. Can we get some can we get some deets on dating Noah's dad? Oh how much time do you have Declan? What does he do for a living so I can use it as? When at least I have a dad to date what the fuck Okay, boy, just Declan cussed. I know I heard but you said something pretty mean Okay, but it wasn't a cuss there's no there's nothing of the rules

It says I can't say something devastatingly mean if it's as always just a cuss they said my dad's Combs might turn back on once his craft is back around the other side of the moon. They said my dad's comms might turn back on once his craft is back around the other side of the moon. They don't know that he's dead. It's gone. They saw the debris. The debris hit a satellite. The satellite fell in Russia.

No. Your dad's gone. No. I'm gonna kick this goose. Kick this fucking goose. Declan just kicked a goose. Boys, boys, you are both going down for whatever the other one does.

So what if you both tried to get each other to behave properly today? Okay, I have 25 kids on this field trip. I do not have the time or the energy. Where are the where the other 23? Fuck. You said a cuss. I know, but I had a good reason to say it. Listen to me boys.

What do I gotta do? Five dollars each? For you to be normal today? What do I gotta do? You are the thorn in the side of my classroom this year. Declan! Declan! We have her over a barrel. We can't get anything that we want. Let's not settle for five dollars, okay?

She needs us to behave. You guys are not even trying to hide what you're saying from me. I can hear you we have your barrel miss play desperate We have your barrels your desert. I am you know for a I don't know I heard your dad say it I heard my dad say when they were dating it was the last I keep you kept saying I have her over a barrel I Have her over a barrel God I spend most of my salary bribing the kids in my class to behave. What am I doing? Let's ask for one week where we get to wear Spider-Man uniforms.

I just said for one week. Huh? They're uniforms. We should still be wearing them because they're uniforms. Boys, what'll it be? What if we ask for Miss Pringle to give my dad a second chance? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that'll just give ammo to me to make fun of-

Uh, Miss Pringle, we have our demands. Ugh, what are they? One. I'm gonna smoke a cigarette, hold on. Yeah, me too, me too. We could get some of that. We could get cigarettes. No, no, not again.

You used that last time when I asked you to stop. We split a cigarette like two people outside of a convenience store in a 90s rom-com we still had a cigarette No, you made you made international headlines Yes Well, I needed to get you guys to stop squeezing the class hamster too hard and then you caught me smoking fine school And you said he's dead. I didn't even squeeze it. Why if I'm not supposed to squeeze it Why does it make that sound when I do? Oh god God! Okay, we can split this cigarette, and that's it, okay? And then you're gonna be good the rest of the field trip.

No, we have more. We have more. We have more. We have more. You, too. You have to let us wear Spider-Man uniforms for one week and one day. You shit your pants every time you wear your Spider-Man costume at school, Declan. With great power comes great responsibility. No, no way. And Declan gets to wear it, and Declan gets to wear it to the state sponsored funeral for his dad, where it's just going to be an empty box and we all know it's going to be

an empty box, but we're all pretending like there's a person in there. I can't control what you do outside of school, idiots. And three. Three. You have to give Noah's dad a second chance. No way. We control what you do outside of school, idiots. And three. Three. You have to give Noah's dad a second chance. No way. He can't control what you do outside. Why not? Why not?

What did he do? He's so broken up about you. He said it was the best barrel he's ever had in his life. Oh, god. It was so boring. He's so boring in bed. I can't take it. I couldn't do another five minutes.

Noah. Wait, Ms. Blingle, everyone's boring in bed. You're just sleeping. You're just sleeping? What do you mean boring in bed? What do you mean miss blingle. Everyone's boring in bed. You're just sleeping. You're just sleeping What do you mean boring and then boring in bed? Everyone's boring in bed like he's reading Is your mind in bed your grain? Are you a farmer? God my dad says lights out and you have to go to sleep He says you don't have to go to sleep

But you do have to lay there in bed get takes another cigarette out of the box starts Let's eat splits. No, no, boys. Come on, pop. Hey, no. You know what? I'm taking back control of my classroom. I have a master's in education. I was once passionate about this job.

I care. Yes, me. And you know what, boys? Just can you please, out of the goodness of your heart, ask thoughtful, interesting questions about the animals we're seeing today. Teacher's crying. today. She's crying Whoa teachers crying

She looks actually sad. Yeah, I'm like running out of dads today All these dads look like losers the goose that you kicked. Maybe when you kick the goose the goose got sad. Oh Here, let me hug the goose Strang, ow, ow, ow, ow! You're strangling the goose and it's gonna bite you. See, it's gonna bite you back. Oh my god, your dad died, can't date your dad. Your dad's dead. Why would you say that?

He's dead, he saw the debris, it landed in Russia. It could still be alive. Oh my god, okay, you know what? You, and you, Declan and Noah Yeah, you don't know the pain Let's come into you at the end of the day if I hear another peep out of the two of you you two are gonna Be model students the rest of the day stop crying stop crying Noah. He's gone So much alike? We're twins. Oh god

Say mom say mom Hands in say normal on three ready one two three Google it Google it Normal, you'll get out there go watch the monkeys And as you can see, the sloth will take its time coming towards the food here. And just lay your hand real flat, just lay your hand very flat. Okay, the sloth is going gonna grab him. And once again, I'm gonna ask everyone here in the meet and greet audience, if you are on drugs, please do not come near the sloth.

The sloth can- What, you can tell? I can't, but the sloth can sense it. It is a pretty natural ability of the sloth to be able to detect drugs, and it will drive him insane. So just make sure I'm not on drugs Okay, you

Since every drug or just is it certain drugs or is there some drugs that it's looking for some reason It's not looking for is it tuned into every single drug frequency or is there a drug that the sloth can't detect because the drug is so frequency or is there a drug that the sloth can't detect because the drug is so unperceptible, imperceptible, imperceptible, imperceptible, imperceptible that the sloth wouldn't be able to tell that the person is on the drug? I'm glad that's a great question. Now we got a grant for- Ha ha! Money in the bank! Cash, ching-o! We got a grant from zoo books. Has anybody here read zoo books? A few hands raised, the older hands. We got a grant to study what the sloth can smell.

You have a purple aura, sir. A purple aura. That's a good eye. So that is a South American purple aura. It is a endangered parrot. We will be getting to the purple aura in just a second, but the sloth, um, seems to be acting a little weird. As far as we know, it can sense most drugs. We haven't found a drug that it hasn't been able to detect but moving at lightning speed as a question as a question for the sloth or demand for the sloth as the question is the For in terms of drugs what is not or what him is it to is maybe is to having? Drinks if you bought legal alcohol drinks at the zoo bar

Sorry, what my husband is trying to say is if the orange juice you had had too much mimosa in it I Much because she absolutely reads my mind when it comes to this stuff Just in case that you're Just in case that you had It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no My wife had me over a barrel just a last night Here just somebody here just some science sloth and so the sign is here. Yeah, there's a scientist scientists can't hear us The 23 kids who joined our party do you have any questions? It feels like the adults are sort of hogging the Q&A portion Noah ask a question Um, can the soft tell if someone's dead or not Q&A portion. Ask a question.

Can the sloth tell if someone's dead or not? Um, I'd rather, I don't think we've studied that part of the sloth. Any other questions? How does the sloth, um, how does the sloth know? How does the sloth know when it's in love? That is a great question. Now, if you're talking about a three-toed sloth. I know when I was in love.

Minute one, day one, second one, week one, year one. She's gonna tell the story. She's gonna tell the story. If you say second one, you don't have to go into minute, hour, day, week. No, that's all implied. That's all implied. Do we replace orders for mimosas through you

or does a waiter come by or does a bar come by? More mimosas. More mimosas. Sorry. The mimosas are only available in our Boa Bar, which is of course the snake themed restaurant and grill. I'm going to tell the story. I was on the Ferris wheel, like maybe the notebook,

and I was on the Ferris wheel and I didn't think I needed the seatbelt. And I fell off. I broke my neck three years later. Three years. I'm I'm at a Nordstrom Mac and I see a handsome man and He's buying pants and I go why do you need pants? You cover up a butt that good and he laughed and he introduced me to his brother and that's my husband I'm smear one second. Why what middle? Why you get one week one? I'm sorry, and you fell off a Ferris wheel and broke your neck and live

I'm sorry, you fell off a Ferris wheel and broke your neck and lived. Thrive. Not just live, thrive. And what a life it is. She thrive. She thrive. Oh, you're the special guy, huh? Husband, man. When you listen to this story, I got the hottest brother in the world. You've got the hottest brother in the world? Okay. Remember I saw the brother in Northstrom Rack and hit on him and then he introduced me to his brother and now we get the most upset the snake room He's a good guy who would never throw away what he's got with Katherine just first

You know just a chance encounter in the North from American. We were actually there buying pants Because all of my parents got stolen. Yes, I was involved in a crib. So currency fraud So again, this is mostly for kids for the kids. Does anybody? Talk it all the kids are silent as a little church miss Any kids here a fan of blueies church mousies. These are two mousies Anybody like bluey? I see a few hands now what we have here is a Well, it's a dog. We've died blue I don't mean to speak to it turns out a turn but my wife gives some of the best blue

They're good not great She get great ones. I get good ones. No, you never had a blue a from a woman with a broken back before is all Worth it, baby. Mm-hmm in my husband gives the best bandit and bingoes this side of Australia And I'll tell you something else everyone else look over there wink and wink or having a fistfight God this is fast. How fast is this sloth? Are we vibing? Are we on the same fucking tune? Oh man be the sloth be the sloth be the sloth eyes together eyes together eyes together.

A round of mnemosis for the whole children please. Yeah Maneza for the children too because it's just orange juice. It's just orange juice good for your bones. Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin L. Okay it looks like Wink is making his cocaine face. Is someone here on cocaine? My guess is the kids. Kids are dirty.

God. I mean, you see the red panda and you think like These guys, you know, they seem they seem like clean. Yeah, maybe that they're maybe they're encounters They'll like try to like keep it. These guys don't give a fuck. Yeah, they shit everywhere. They're neck their food around I mean, this is filthy in here. Yeah, this is a pretty alarming behavior. I, you know, I, you don't expect in the, in the wild for something to act like this. It's how did we end up getting the red panda cleaning duty every shift? I mean, it's like, isn't it supposed to be like distributed? Isn't it supposed to be that like we're supposed to like trade this stuff around?

I mean, it's like, are we doing something wrong? I think we're in trouble. Does Bill hate us? I think Bill, I think we got in trouble. Oh my God. Because we were riding the giraffes with the saddles, I think that we get the worst duties, so. We wore the saddles.

Why do we have giraffe saddles? I don't know, I don't know. Let's go ahead and just get this done and Swinging by after my penguin shift to see how your red panda ship is going must be nice I had the best day ever I threw a bunch of fish at penguins I got to pet them and made a bunch of kids laugh and cheer you threw fish at penguins Yeah, they caught them in their mouths, idiot. Hope your joy ride around the zoo was worth it, fellas.

Why would they make- That's actually incredible. Yeah, it was awesome, Dana, but why would they make the saddles for the drafts if they're not meant to be used? I mean, it doesn't make any sense, right? It's for the captain tier. You think they let people eat whatever animal they want

when they're a captain tier and not ride whatever animal they want Be so for real grow up Dana Dana Dana Dana Dana Can you could you just talk to bill on our behalf and see if like no you have some sway with him? Come on. No, I don't friends my friends way better when you guys fucked up Oh my god, my life has improved like tenfold. I got more pull around here now. I got more agency. I get to hang out with all the fun animals. We used to have the butterfly house. That was the easiest freaking job. They barely poop.

Joe let me bring home a baby tiger to cuddle with in the bed the other night. What? I have sway. I have pull. You guys are losers, you gotta build your way back up, idiots. Barts, loser. Hold on, she said in the bed, not in my bed. Is she sleeping with- I didn't say that. Okay, so Dana's sleeping with Joe.

I tried to sleep with Bill and I couldn't get anywhere with him. This sucks. Yeah, this- This sucks! This sucks! Zoo politics is bullshit. And also, while Dana was here just distracting us, I totally took my eyes off the red panda now I have no idea where it is. So prepare to get attacked again. Great, my phone's gone.

Oh good. Well he's racking up international minutes because all of his friends are in China. Fuck, this is going to be another thing where it's's gonna be a Grubhub order for 50 live chickens and I'm gonna get the ding for it. I got the FBI coming to my house because they were like, why are you placing all of these calls to these Chinese nationals? What are you doing? And I was like, no, it's a red panda from my work who takes my phone and calls all of

his friends back home. Yeah, come on Unbelievable. I mean I told you my whole thing which was ever since I was a kid I wanted to join the WWF, but then by the time I got to college Something got switched and when I enrolled, you know in the volunteer program suddenly I was like in Kenya And I was like, who am I fighting here? It was awful. They changed it. They changed it Yeah, pulled the rug out from underneath me Sucks this sucks. We're awesome. We're cool guys. Yeah, we don't deserve stuff like this. Yeah, exactly Wait a second. I think I know how to get back in Bill and Joe's good graces. What?

What if we, tonight, sneak into the giraffe enclosure, Okay. Get those ladders out. I like where you're going. Climb up onto the giraffes. Yeah. Put the saddles on them. Okay.

Ride them around the zoo? Ride them all around the zoo. Apologizing. They can't be mad. They can't be mad. They can't be mad if we say we're sorry. Yeah. That's a great idea. That's such a good idea.

I'm so glad I thought of it. And if while we're apologizing, it happens that we start to race each other on the drafts, well that's just a byproduct. May the best man win in that scenario. We can't be blamed. It doesn't matter. I mean the winner gets the bragging rights. Yeah Hey, hey, I'm Mikey. Hey. Hey. Hey, buddy. Hey

Hey, oh my god. Hi Oh my god, are you eating a tuna sandwich smells so good? I would love that been craving that you know how you told me to come with you, come to you, not with you, with only good news? Cause I sort of, I'm a classic fuck up here at the zoo. Mikey, you know what I'm talking about. You know how normally I would only come to you with good news?

I get 15 minutes a day to eat my tuna sandwich. Just 15 minutes and that's all. I'm just trying to eat my tuna sandwich. 15 minutes. And Mikey, I considered the timing of this and I made a calculated choice. And I decided that if once you find out what I'm gonna tell you, you're gonna be glad I interrupted.

The tuna, the tuna 15. The tuna 15. The tuna 15. No, that's nothing. Don't say it. Don't keep saying it like that. It's nothing. The tuna 15.

What's it a play? What did you do? Janet, what did you do? Did I? Did I do it? The implications that I did something and in this time it would be correct but it also is sort of a bit of a mystery to be solved in a way Mikey. There's sort of a game afoot currently here at the zoo Mr. Mikey sir. Can I have your pickle? No, it's in the sandwich. Oh my god, but it's- It's chopped up pickle in the sandwich.

How did you get it out? It is in the sandwich, it is calling my name. Can I just take- Get your fingers, Janet, get your fingers out of my- Okay, take it, it's yours, it's yours. I don't want it now. I just get nervous when I eat. Or no, that's what I meant to say the opposite of,

which is I eat when I'm nervous. Mikey, what is afternoon, huh? I've seen you do both hump day am I right? It's Thursday. Yeah, it's Thursday Yes, I know and that I do know but you can hump any day of the week if you're doing good I'm your boss. You can't say stuff like that. I know and this is a class you took a three-hour class several classes three hours over three days one hour each day No, it was supposed to be three hours each day

Yeah, but I sort of got overwhelmed with the amount of information that they let me sort of parse it out Anyways, Mikey any plans for the weekend. That's not why I'm here Mikey Something did happen and it did happen so fast and it is currently still happening and that's the June of 15 That's nothing the June of 15 is nothing. Please can't it be though and speaking of things being nothing. I'm so sorry about Just the last couple months I know I was sort of a risk higher for you a risk you called it and I know that I've not been up to your standards or anyone's standards really.

And I wanna apologize for that. And I will have something more to apologize once you find out what happened. I did it. I would love for you just to tell me what you did, okay? We don't need to relitigate everything about- God, is that a diet coke? Can I have the one sip?

I'm sort of crashing. I just opened it. You just heard me open the Diet Coke. Yeah, it did like, tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk t My haircut. I hate it. I hate my haircut. Do you like it? What am I supposed to say? I don't know I I don't know. I don't know if I like e I need more time with it buzzing It's hard to give you dudes like this when you are in such a intense mood Take a deep breath. It'll be fine. What do you find out? What I don't happen The zoo I just need you to tell me what happened at the zoo.

Please, Janet, just tell me what happened. At this point, I don't even think you're gonna be in trouble. I know that you're not well equipped. It's your newish here. It's probably not your fault. I just need to know what happened, so I need to know how to respond to it.

Is a pain in your heart a panic attack because of what you did at the zoo, or could it be a heart attack? Or could it be a heartburn from the pickles be heartburn from the pixels in the diet coke You put pickles in the diet coke. I mean where else I'm I'm on the go finish it finish it finish it where else am Oh my god, could you open a window, Mikey? How do you breathe in here, Mikey?

We're on a patio. This is a patio. There's no windows. We're on a patio. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Oh my god, I would love to go to the pool. Do you have a pool? I see what you're doing.

I see what you do. You're eyeing the polar bear exhibit, and you cannot go in that pool. I would love to. But you can't. Why? But you just can't, because the Polar Bear is in there and it would not respond well to a person being in there.

I don't know. Clarice gets to go in there. Polar Bear trainer, my fucking ass. Fuck her. I didn't mean that. Janet! Janet! I learned to not say that in that class I took.

I'm really, really sorry. All right, I'll come out and say it I'll just say it. It's the tune of 15. This is a sacred time of day. I will just say what happened You and I love each other. We're best friends. We're close. They're sort of a flirty vibe between you and me No, Janet, you have to take the class again. You're gonna have to take the class again Ah, it's so boring. It's three hours that I only go to an hour of okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay Okay, I'll say it. I could say it. It's so boring! It's three hours that I only go to an hour of. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll say it. I can say it.

It's easy to say. But isn't it so weird when you start to be aware of the stuff that you're saying? And you're like, oh, I am a robot. I am talking in words. Uh-uh. No. You can't get in trouble, okay? Your dads are the owners.

Write it down. You're absolutely... What's that? Write down that I can't get in trouble. It won't matter. Okay, fine. I will... Do you have a pen? Write it down. What's that? Write down that I can't get in trouble. It won't matter. Okay, fine.

I will. Do you have a pen? I have a Diet Coke. That's my Diet Coke. Here, I'll do it in Diet Coke. I'll get it on my finger. You finished the whole Diet Coke. There's no Diet Coke left.

No. You know what? Verbal agreement. I cannot get in trouble. You won't get in trouble because your dad's own the place so can't won't chant wouldn't couldn't the tune of 15 the Lions are loose I let the Lions out there loose this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Hey everyone. Before you get upset, just know that Erin Keefe has been cast as Destiny Tarot,

the new American Girl doll. We're not sure what that means if she'll be in the movies, if she'll be packaged up herself, but we're so happy for her and the next step in her career. Yeah, it's very unclear. We all read the same email. It didn't really delineate between, would this be something that is done on a Hollywood set,

where there would be cameras, or would this be done in a factory where they seal her into plastic and then use those little ties to hold her arms and neck to the box? We don't know. It's, you know, we all have the same information. We all have the same information

and we all have the same website. We all have the same information and we all have the same website that we built with Squarespace. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. We assume you can go to Aaron's destiny dot something. We actually don't remember what the website is right now, but it's not important because we use Squarespace to build it. And it's the all-in-one website platform

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.com. Congratulations Erin, we're so happy for you. My fellow animals, it is I, Buchanan the Silverback. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Buchanan the Silverback. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho to release all of you. Everyone sound off on what you can contribute to the great uprising. Ho ho ho ho ho ho. I am sesame I speak for the cows. If you can release us oh mighty Buchanan. We have cows? Sorry sorry sorry sorry we have cows here? Yeah wait we got cows here? Sort of doesn't seem like a zoo animal to me. Why not?

We're animals, we're all animals. You said it. You're always saying we're all the same. Okay, okay. People see cows on their drive here to the zoo for free. It's Ohio. Are there some things as wild cows? Like is that a thing?

Wild cows? I mean, no. But none of us are wild. There's a thing as wild cows. Like is that a thing? Wild cows? I mean, no, but none of us are wild. We're all in the zoo. We're the same. You say it in your speeches. Sorry, what are you gonna contribute to the uprising? I don't wanna say it now. Do they milk you?

Yes. Ugh. Frenchy, Frenchy, let's hear Daisy was it? No, Sesame! Daisy is like a... Calling a cow Daisy, that sucks! That's... That's like saying a slur to me! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You are... Sesame, Sesame, please. You're always saying that all animals are animals and we're united and we're all and we're all one. I'm sesame I speak for the car. I'm on a farm. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. He belongs on a farm Yes, I was also thinking that farm animals belong in a farm zoo animals belong in the zoo The very astute observations lemurs the lemur community has spoken We're all lemurs with just different voices.

Different? He's always saying that... Sesame! Sesame! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I feel like I'm being attacked! What, every lemur should have a wholly unique voice that sounds insane? I listen to all of your speeches saying we don't belong in a zoo and how we're animals and how we're gonna escape we're all united and now all I'm getting is that I don't belong in the zoo because I belong on a farm that I've not even wanted here and I mean I speak for all the cows how many are there well as we

don't see it's just me you can't say all the cows if it's just you I'm all the cows I speak for all of us when I say all the cows if it's just you. I'm all the cows! I think I speak for all of us when I say when the uprising happens I think it should just be the zoo animals and none of these farm outliers. Yes, I agree. You know, fine. I'm Sesame, I speak for the cows and I was going to contribute, but I don't- but but no don't even bother opening up my cage which is just a fence don't even bother opening up my fence because I will not contribute what do you I mean me I'm a silverback I can fight off 20 men the lemurs have claws and teeth they can see at night what what does a cow bring to this uprising huh huh? Milk. Cheese.

Butter. After some time. Well. Also, you can't milk yourself, right? So one of us would have to do it, right? No, and I'm, yeah. I'll do it. Oh, hedgehog.

Come on. I'll do it. Phineas the Hedgehog, you have the floor. Yeah, but I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I Sesame if you've never encountered go to those HR things. It's like a three-hour meeting. I Actually think it's three hours spread across three days nine hours total Are people only going to three hours of the mandatory HR training? That's why it doesn't take hedgehog Let's hear from some other animals what they'll bring to the table. What are you bringing tonight to the uprising? I know the giraffes have two specific humans

they would like to take care of, quote unquote. I know the penguins are upset about that. We would like to have them killed. And giraffes are not very good at killing humans, so we were hoping, I don't know, that someone who could kill, I'm looking at you. If you're looking for someone who can kill the humans, I would be glad to oblige. A penguin kill a human?

Not just any penguin, but a penguin with an eye patch. Yeah, what if you've seems like you've seen a lot. How do you why do you have that eye patch? I poked myself in the eye with a fork while I was trying to eat penguin food. Oh no... Um, okay, well- They shouldn't give us forks! We don't need them! Okay, well Penguin, what- how do you propose we take out the humans? What can you do? How can you kill them?

With poison. Ah, yes yes penguins nature's natural poisoners now we do have we have our animal strength we have our animal instincts we do have scorpions are you here scorpion snakes are you here hey girl we're here what's up someone call for scorpions scorpions are here as well okay six different scorpions scorpions are here as well. Okay, there's six different scorpions as six They also similar that's fine because they're all the same species now same species Yeah, you you all inherently have poison venom Venom what's the difference?

Well poison is you get a little bottle with xxx and venom is an alien symbiote that comes out of fucks around with spider-man's day I'm sorry. I'm silly silly I'm a silly scorpion what am I supposed to do? We're funny. We're funny. Oh yeah. Um. So maybe we could use some of the snakes and the scorpions for our purpose and we don't need penguin. As great as your idea is that all ideas are welcome. There's no dumb cows. I mean ideas. Sorry for an inslip. Hey! Come on I'm still here. I'm not part of it, but I can still hear everybody! Hi everybody, take your seats, take your seats! My name is Libby and I am the dolphin whisperer!

Um, come on in, take a seat, make sure the little ones in front can see. Um, raise your hand if you've ever seen a dolphin in person before. Seeing some hands? Amazing! I have a question. We will have time for questions, sweetheart, but first I want to introduce you to my very best dolphin friend in the world, Lenny! Lenny the dolphin! Jump, Lenny! Lenny the dolphin! Jump Lenny! I'll give me one second.

Um, Lenny what's going on? I have fish out here for you. Just do the tricks. We do this like six times a day. What's going on? Lenny what? Is everything okay? Everything is so great. Sometimes Lenny can be a little shy. What if we give him a round of applause to encourage him to come out here? No. This is like when standups come out and they go, give yourselves a round of applause.

Give the free comic a round of applause. Give yourselves a... It's just like... It's exhausting. Maybe, can I posit something? Maybe the dolphin's upset because you had a qualifier? You said this is my best dolphin friend instead of my best friend? I wouldn't think a dolphin would be upset by that.

Ask one. Uh, uh, I mean, what are we talking about here? Lenny, Lenny. Huh? My husband is my best friend. We've talked about this. Rick? Rick is my bet, yes. Oh, right, Rick.

Make your husband do some tricks. He is sleeping right now. He sleeps all day and does stand up at night. Oh, so he's boring in bed. If Rick is your best friend, why is Rick's best friend an unemployed guy named Pete? Shouldn't he be at Two Way street? No, I'm sorry. Lenny, that's his like friend that he like runs his jokes by and they like shoot beer cans in the backyard. They're like that kind of friend.

Him and I are like best friends in the way a married couple is best friends. Lenny, you and I are best friends in the way that a dolphin trainer and a dolphin are best friends. He doesn't appreciate you. I'm sorry, I gotta say it, he doesn't appreciate you. Lenny, stop meddling. Yes. No, let the kid ask a question. Let the kid ask a question.

I know that Lenny, the sign says he's a bottlenose dolphin. Is that why he's drinking a modello? Why are you drinking a modello, Lenny? I thought you liked guys that drink modello all day! Lenny... I thought this is what you liked! That's passive-aggressive, and I don't think dolphins are supposed to drink beer. Okay, you can't metabolize it.

Well, husbands aren't supposed to drink beer all day and then go to comedy clubs all night and flirt! Okay, mind your your business Lenny. He just has a flirty personality which is what douchey guys say. He talked to a girl for 25 minutes that's not being polite okay. I went to the show I wore a trench coat and a big hat. I look like carbon San Diego. You almost died Lenny and we had to bring you back here in a stretcher and then you we had to resuscitate you. And was it worth it? It was the most attention you've ever given me.

And we cut to the club. Here is another pitcher of water. And I got to tell you, sir, I can't keep bringing you pictures of water every five minutes. Why not? Well, it's just- They say the two drink bit of them, they don't say maximum. No, I'm just saying we can't-

Keep written in the water. Sorry, I don't want to talk too, I'm just saying we can't, um... Keep running in the water. Sorry, I don't want to talk too loud. The stand-up is... Stand-up. Oh, you know, let's listen in. Let's listen to the kind of jokes this stand-up is doing. Anyone else's wife freaking suck? She's always like, I want to hang out with you. I want to make plans for everything. I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

Sorry, what was that, a heckler? Lenny, look at me. Rick is my husband, okay? Ex-husband? No. Current. In real-time husband. I know you tried to forge those divorce papers, but it was written in Dolphin, and I could tell it was you. Lenny?

I think that people can gradually speak Dolphin over the course of this. It's not a hard language to understand. Lenny? Kid, you can hear me, right? Yeah. See? Lenny, I love my husband Rick. And I love you. Why? Name three things you love about Rick. He's my husband. Bad start. Bad start. You know what Len know what Lenny, we have tried to introduce six or seven mates to you. Six or seven dolphins and you blow them off and you fuck with them and you lead them on and you're cold and you're withholding and I know it's because of me. Why can't you introduce me to a dolphin like you? You know? Where am I going to get a dolphin who asks me about my day,

who feeds me little fish in the morning? Where am I going to find the type of dolphin who, after her husband Rick does four or five really bad sets, then has to go to Vancouver for a week to recover? When am I going to find a dolphin who cries and tells me about her feelings look the dolphins getting down on? Getting kind of bent it kind of bit kind of doing exactly what you see the dolphins kind of getting that um They don't have these what's it it's sort of I can help I can help so it looks like the dolphin what's happening It's oh like if you've ever seen someone do like a crunch like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like it's like a it's like a it's like

It's like folding like a core like a court like a fold like it. What am I looking at? Well, that's our show The dolphin no he is not he couldn't be because my best friend wouldn't put me in a position like that. Now would he? Would you? Yes, Lenny, you're my best friend. He just blew water out of his blowhole and sitting atop the fountain of water is a ring box. Oh my God, he came and there's a ring box on top of it.

Wait, that's tough. It's living. Okay, everyone have a seat. All right. Um, the clock starts right now. Okay. My name again is Pleasant Phil and I'll be sort of the moderator today. I'm not teaching you anything. I'm just guiding you.

Now all of you are here for a reason. You're either an employee or an animal in the zoo who can't quite put their finger on how you're supposed to act in public Now some of you might say words you're not supposed to some of you might partake in Vices that you're not supposed to everyone here is here for a reason So let's go around the room and just say why you're here. Let's go ahead and start over here with you ma'am Hi Say why you're here. Let's go ahead and start over here with you, ma'am. Hi. I'm here because I have on several different occasions tried to spoon the white tigers in their enclosure

because they seem so soft and fluffy. That's right. That's right. So that is something we don't do and I'm underlining Don't on the chalkboard. That's it. Don't also sorry. I'm supposed to mention this. I also slapped one of our interns Honestly, let's just focus on the tiger part Everybody gets I can't deal with I can't deal with multiples each person gets one thing So I think I think that trumps I think a spooning of the white tiger trumps slapping interns. It was hard though. I did slap the intern hard So that's one of Phil's don'ts. They quit they quit the intern quit. Okay. I am curious. What did the intern do?

Did they do something? That's the whole thing. They didn't do anything. Okay. Okay. Um Hmm. Did they break a bone? Did they bleed was there a mark? Let's just focus on the tiger part of it. I'm going to switch it to intern. Don't. So we're going to say your number one thing. Your number one fails. Don't is going to be slapping interns. We're going to underline that. Sounds like tigers are back on the menu boys. Well, you, you can't split the tigers. I'm just saying we each have to legal, legal told me each person has one thing. Otherwise, we're getting real

Clowns with me, huh? We're sort of stuck with a little body. No, let's move on What is your what is the reason you're here? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm a guest here at the at the zoo Also, I had my tits out and my tits out. Okay I'm gonna raise laughing an intern and I'm gonna put tits. And tits out is one of Phil's don'ts, okay? Okay. Yeah, I'm a guest at the zoo. I'm actually here, I'm supposed to be here

on a blind date meeting a guy named Jeff. The tits were out while I tried to spoon the tiger. And there were people sort of in the zoo. Okay, I'm just gonna write tiger tits as one thing, and we're all gonna know what that is, right? Tiger tits, great. Tiger tits is one of Phil's don'ts, here we go. I think I'm here because I'm just gonna write tiger tits as one thing and we're all gonna know what that is right tiger tits great tiger tits is one Of Phil's don'ts here we go

Um, I think I'm here because I called a cow Daisy Wow Say that in here, please between these four walls, please don't repeat that I guess I I called a cow the D word. Is that better? Or is it? Phil do you want to go on a date? Phil, Phil, it's me, the first lady, yes. Oh, yes, do I, I can't answer that right now.

Cards on the table, my tits were out when I tried to swim in the tigers. Tits on the table. And I slapped an intern. Interns, I forgot I lied, I slapped multiple interns. You slapped an intern. Interns! I forgot I lied. I slapped multiple interns. You slapped interns in turn. Um. Yeah. Yeah. Some I did at the same time. This sucks that you're exactly my type. But again, I can't right now. I'm in the middle of teaching. I cannot, um, I cannot humor that proposition.

Is what I did, is what I did as bad as what she did? I don't know. We're not trying to rank against each other. We will rank against your own crimes, so if you had two or three things, I will pick the most egregious, which is why we have- Honestly, like I said, I'm a guest here at the zoo and I'm just here for a blind date and I called,

well, you already heard what I said, I don't need to say it again if it's that bad. I didn't really do anything else. I guess I'm nervous for the date, so I did jerk off. Before you came to the zoo? No, I came at the zoo because, well, yes, I jerked off at home and then I jerked off again when I got to the zoo, but... Too much. I did it in a private, you know, in a private place. I jerked off in a private place. I dress up in a private place.

OK, so I don't know if we have any private places that are open to our guests. Can you describe the room you were in? Yeah, big, open, pool, lots of dolphins around, stands full of people, people in wetsuits training, throwing fish at dolphins. Oh, boy, that is a huge. That is one of the biggest fills don'ts. We're going to underline this on the board.

Please. Uh, well, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Um, no, my thing should be the cow thing. I don't think my thing is the other thing. No, I think it's this. Uh, so we're going to put that down. No. And who else?

Uh, I see we have a few animals here. Let's go ahead. Uh, what, what are you? What kind of animal? Head dog back. Cause I'm a per here. Let's go ahead. What are you? What kind of animal are you? Hedgehog back, cause I'm a pervert. Can't fix me, can't change me. I'm the pervert hedgehog.

Everyone, careful. If your tits are out, put them away cause this thing will milk anything. Opposite day. Keep your tits out ladies. No, no, it's not opposite day. Of course, that's every Tuesday at the zoo. Is that's when we become the ooze.

And that's the that's fun for everyone. We turn our signs around and it's the ooze where the humans are in cages and the animals roam free and gawk at them. But today is not Tuesday. It's a Thursday. So let's keep going with the animals. I'm back.

Jackson, the koala, I'm back. Okay, Jackson, I know why you're here. Will you let everyone else know why you are here? I can't stop starting fires. That's right. Jackson is a pyromaniac. So we will all try and help him along on his path to recovery.

Starting fires is one of- I could milk him. That's... That's not needed. Thank you so much. It couldn't hurt. Hello, I am Claudia Peterson coming to you at the top of the hour from the Columbus Zoo.

I am here because there are several lions loose here at the top of the hour from the Columbus Zoo. I am here because there are several lions loose here at the zoo. We are unsure of how they got out. I think they got out during the Tuna 15 earlier this afternoon. We will be coming to you for the rest of the night live coverage here at the zoo. We don't know if they're still on the premises. We don't know if they managed to wander into downtown Columbus, but we have all of our best guys on it and we will be bringing you information as it comes in. That's right Stephanie and I am here on the interstate right outside the zoo where several ostrich, is that right? Ostriches? Ostriches? Several ostriches, several ostriches have brought traffic to

a screeching halt with some eggs being laid on the hoods of cars. So what I'm hearing is there are multiple animals loose from the zoo today. This must be a PR crisis for them. They must be freaking out. Oh, actually, I have the head of the zoo here. Hello. Do you have time for an interview, sir? Oh God, that's a severed head cut away cut away cut away

The lion is batting around the head of the owners I think that that's Joe one of the owners of the zoo. It looks like a lion has ripped his head off. Oh my god Oh my god off. Oh my god. Oh my god. Hey Stephanie. I'm back in the studio. Stephanie, thanks so much. Uh this is we're back here live at the Zoo Bar. I'm talking to a TV at the Zoo Bar. Stephanie, I know you can't hear me but I can hear you so this works for us both ways. And if you can hear us, six more nemosis please. It's a snake. Six more nemosis, Stephanie. It is total caemonium here at the Zoo Bar. The bartender's not here. I've seen lots of people running around and it's just so thirsty for people like us. And Stephanie, I have a breaking news story.

I am here right behind the zoo with a cow who seems to have wandered over from a local farm perhaps? No, that's not what I said. No, that's not what I said. Tell us your name. Why don't you guess my name, motherfucker? Daisy? Alright, shut it down! Neptune, everybody!

You can't do that! You don't have the authority! I speak for the cows! You don't have the clearance! I speak for the cows! Neptune, I speak for the trees! I'm the Neptune now. Daisy?