Hey Riddle Riddle - *UNLOCKED* Clue Crew #301: Merry Christmas to Mall and to Mall a Good Night!

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

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I'm going to be. Thank you. Hello, sir. Welcome to Victoria's secret. Can I help you doing some last minute shopping? Yeah. Sorry, yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry, do you approach everybody who walks in or do I have a vibe? I'm just asking because, you know, you walked right up to me and said, hello, sir. Sure. Well, it's a week before Christmas and a lot of. men, uh, come in to do some very last minute shopping. And of course, when men do shopping, it's typically, um, something to sort of, uh, you know, feed into their ego or their wants. So they buy a woman lingerie. Oh, uh, oh, okay. Great. No, yeah. I, uh, I actually didn't have any idea. So is that, and that's, that's a good gift lingerie or?

Yeah, I mean, it can, it can be. Can be. And sir, you can calm down. those are just mannequins okay I'm sorry I see you go and the motherfucker was eyeballing me and I'm like you know I see you getting very nervous those aren't real women those are mannequins

okay yeah sure I just it's just a lot of people looking at me you know you walk into a place and there's a lot of people looking at you so so I do have a we just kind of have a cheat sheet just in December

we here at VS we try that's short for Victoria's Secret we try and help people out. So I do have a little card here that will help you out. Three words to describe your wife. Oh, I am. For a girlfriend? I'm not, yeah, I'm not married. Okay, three words to describe your girlfriend. I'm not currently, I'm not currently seeing anyone. Okay, three words to describe the recipient of this gift. Okay. Um, private. Okay. Anonymous. It's you. You're going to wear it. Well. Sorry, that's on the car. That's the next.

The next thing is if I say two of my three words. It's you, you're going to wear it, question mark. Is that a yes or no? Should I take that out? Yes, I'm going to wear it. Obviously, I'm going to wear it. No judgment here? Exactly.

Okay. A man with no wedding ring, but a $3,000 suit comes into a Victorian secret five days before Christmas. I'm obviously picking on stuff from being to wear. Yeah, I see the tag on the suit has a little tag here that says $3,000, and then there's a raw dress for a sticker over that says $89.99. I think they inflate those prices sometimes. I still think it's a $3,000 suit just because I got a good deal. Does it make it not a $3,000 suit?

Wait, hey, hey, hey. Oh, wait, you can't be in here. Sorry, this guy keeps pretending he works here. Get out of here, man. Get out of here. Pervert. Grab spaniards. You'll never catch us.

Wait a second. I'm so sorry about that. That man was very helpful. Well, what is it that he does? Maybe just give him a shot. No, we keep trying to hire. You're obviously short-staffed. Slinks back with an airshot.

No, hey, hey. He'll never catch me. He would be a great employee, but he's doing weird stuff to the mannequins. It seems like he'd work for mannequins. Maybe pay him in mannequins. Sounds like a great deal. All right, I'll run it by my manager. Pumping mannequins full of...

Don't. Soup is not weird. Don't, don't, don't. You don't need to run it by your manager because you just ran it by the CEO of Victoria's Secret. Secret shopper, secret shopper, secret shopper, secret shopper, secret shopper. Undercover boss. Secret shopper, undercover boss. It is secret shopper.

Undercover boss, secret shopper. No. Who's that undercover boss first? No. Sorry, I'm with that show. I'm with undercover boss. I'm the cameraman and producer, and that man who you changed. chased out of the store was the

C-CEO. Oh, it reminded me one time what that stands for C-C-E-O. You'll never catch me. I just want to I know this week is high stress, so I just want to run through some of our policies again, just as a refresher. When you spray the perfume, make sure you're getting consent from the customer, and make sure you're not spraying in their ears, mouth, eyes, any sort of hole orifice.

Ken, can you make eye contact with me right now? Sorry, this is really... I'm writing this down. Okay, because this is... I'm not texting. I just take notes on my phone. Okay, but we're having this meeting because of what happened last night. So just make sure you're paying attention.

I think the problem is I'm reading down all the words, but I don't like have the formal definitions of the words in front of me. So I'm like looking up all the words later. And then I'm like trying to like put them into my notes, but I'm like not getting every even word. So I think I think you're not, I think you're overthinking this. I think you need to breathe. Okay.

What did I just say? What did I just say? Whisper consent into their. ears? No. Spray the mouth. No. You wrote it down.

Sorry, can we keep going with it? I feel like a lot of our meetings get sort of, um, stymied by Ken's ineptitude. And Lisa, I know. And I know. How do you spell ineptitude? Tell Lisa to stop using words they can't spell. You don't need to write down stuff that Lisa says. Lisa, you're an exemplary.

Exemplary. You're an incredible employee, Lisa. Okay. That's not like a smaller word. exemplary and incredible are like the same size work. Lisa, you have been doing great. You obviously have the highest commission rate this season. You're going to, your neck paycheck's going to be huge and I'm really, really happy for you.

And I'm so sorry you have to sit through these meetings, but technically everyone has to be there. Ken, Ken, Ken, I can see you playing Candy Crush on your phone. I thought we were on a break from the meeting. We are not on a break from the meeting. You were talking directly to Lisa. It felt like a one-on-one. No, it's not a one-on-one. You work at the perfume counter at Macy's.

That's a baseline we can all agree on. Could I get moved? Could we just, because it's like, I know I'm not getting this. I know I'm not doing right. I know Lisa's so much better than me. Could I just get moved to like a different desk even? You've been moved too many times. This is sort of our last hope for you here, Ken.

Can I do toilets? I do toilets. There is no toilet department at Macy's. And it makes people nervous that you think. there's a bathroom here. Are you trying to sell people things in the bathroom, Ken? I would. If that's something I could do,

because I feel like if that's maybe like the best place for me. Ken, you said you were passionate about fragrances when we move you to this counter. Which is why I think the bathroom is kind of like the ideal place for me. No, what happened to that passion? You said, I love perfume. And we all laughed. I just don't know, like, Lisa's obviously so good at it.

And I just don't know that I'll ever be that. It's like so intimidating to, work with Lisa because Lisa's so good at it. Well, Lisa, how about you? I'll be a customer and we can give Ken a demonstration of what you do and how you really classily sell to a customer. Okay.

Okay, perfect. Hi, ma'am. How's your day going today? Pretty good. I'm really behind on all my gift buying. I don't know what to get my mother-in-law. Well, I'm sure your mother-in-law deserves the perfect gift, but you know what? You deserve something, too. Have you ever heard of...

Ken, are you eating a Subway sandwich? That's the loudest anyone's ever unwrapped sandwich. I thought this was a one-on-one. No, you're supposed to be paying attention. That bread sounds stale. Subway bread shouldn't crunch. It's from a couple days ago. It's tuna.

No, the tuna's fresh, but I asked him if I can get a couple days ago bread so I can get a couple bucks off. My commissions aren't going well at work, so I have to get a couple days ago bread. Okay. Where were we? Pay attention. Okay. Go ahead. Are you familiar with, um, can Laco's indulgence?

May I spray in front of you? I've never heard of that. Yeah, I'll smell that. May I spray in front of you? I need a verbal yes or no. You may, yes. Great. You can't just say, I'll smell that.

Lisa. What? This is how I am with customers. Okay, well, then if it works, it works, okay. I lean into my intimidation. I'm 6'7. I know, and Lisa, I know. Okay, and walk through?

Wow, that's quite delightful. I'll take two bottles. Just two? What's that going to get you three months? Four? What do you? Four bottles? Ten? You know what? You know what? It's not even worth it.

Ten? Please, I'll waste my fucking time. I'll take 12. I'll take 12. You'll take all we have in stock. I'll take all you have in stock. Or I'll step on your fucking neck. And scene. And do you see how well that went? She just sold out our entire stock. I think so.

I just don't, I guess, could I try one? Yeah, try to sell me this bottle of Lafume perfume, one of our best sellers, okay. And then you said... Don't, no, don't drink it. What are you doing? What are you doing? Did you taste it? I'm tasting.

No, don't, no. You said I was supposed to put it in my mouth? No, I said, don't spray it in the customer's mouth. Okay, okay, okay, let's, okay. Lafume perfume. Excuse me, excuse me, ma'am, okay. Sell it to me, Ken. Okay.

And go. Okay. Excuse me, ma'am. Can I talk to you in the bathroom? I'm Lisa. Excuse me, Lisa, can I talk to you in the bathroom? No, no. Can't start over. Talk to me. Okay. Okay. Excuse me, ma'am. Can I talk to you in the bathroom?

No. I'm just trying to shop for my mother-in-law. I'm not sure what to get her. I work here. I sell perfume. Oh, great. I was actually considering getting my mother-in-law some perfume. Anything to recommend? I'm actually only supposed to talk to you in the bathroom. Can. time out time out can time out hold oh excuse me ma'am pardon me for pardon pardon for one moment can stop trying to get people in the bathroom it's scary could we start in the bathroom because if i can start in the bathroom i feel like i'm really going to be in my element why do you feel way more

comfortable in the bathroom i feel like i can be myself in there like there's no judgments in there like everyone out here it's just like everyone wants me to be this fancy guy this like tight best fancy guy but like in the bathroom it's like zero inhibitions i can't i quit i can't do this no lisa please you're the only reason why this encounter is still successful if this goes i go no oh my god the fact that we have to give a job to the dumbest son of charles macy this guy's an idiot oh lisa i get it but please it's the week before christmas he's googling idiot and he's spelled it wrong. Oh, ho, oh, hello there, little girl. What's your name? I'm Santa. Um, my name's

Addie. Oh, Addie. How do you spell that? A, D, D, Y? Is that a question or a statement? Kidding. I just saw you and another Santa switch out. Oh, that doesn't sound right. How could Santa switch out when there's only one of me, to be sure? Yeah, I thought so, but I saw you and a Santa switch out.

You guys seem to be sharing a beard. Hmm, no, that's just... And then you kind of yelled... The other Santa kind of yelled at you... because you got one of you is smoking while you're wearing the beard and the other one hates the smell of cigarette smoke oh excuse me for one second hey we've got a problem here send send the elves elves over we got a code two four we got a code two four listen addie and i just feel like santa wouldn't smoke cigarettes and there wouldn't be two santa's it seemed like you two were maybe

brothers who didn't get along right your christmas turn is over now you have to go that way Bye, Addy What's, hello? What's your name, little boy? My name is Jarnathan. Jardathan. Like, is that like a... I have a question.

Is that like Sky Rizzy? What is... I saw you yelling at another Santa in the parking lot. No. It seems like you drove together because it seemed like he drove and you both got out of the car and then you were like pulling on each other's outfits because like there's only one outfit and you both didn't have enough clothes on and you were trying to figure out who gets to wear the clothes?

Listen, Jardians, there's only one Santa and he doesn't drive. He puts a finger to his nose and gives a wink and suddenly he appears anywhere, sort of like... He wasn't driving well. He kind of hit a lot of cars in the parking lot. My mom said he almost hit our car, but it's okay because we have a camera, so if he had our car, we wouldn't have had the insurance claim would have sorted itself out. Oh, dash cams are a real problem these days.

That's why Santa doesn't gift them. What do you want for Christmas, little boy? Well, I guess I kind of want to know what was going on with you and that other Santa and why. How did you get in the car without having enough clothes on? Because it's like, were you coming from somewhere where you were naked or, like, what was the exact relationship between you and that other Santa? Okay, let me let you know a little secret. Have you ever seen the movie Prestige with Christian Bale? I'm six.

Okay, we got a problem here. We got a code 24. Security, we got a code 24 elves. And we're the elves, and we're here to take you away. From your parents, you'll never see them again. My neck. Bye, Jarndon. Oh, oh, hello there.

What's your name? Kimberly. Kimberly, did you just wake up? Yeah, I was napped. And wanted to meet Santa. Yes, and you have. You have. You have met Santa. Kimberly, what a delightful young lady. What can I get for you this year? I want to know why I saw two Santa's fist fighting in the parking lot earlier.

My dad said he saw two sances get really get into it last night at the casino. Well, that didn't happen, but if it did, maybe it's because we all agreed that you stay on 14. because if you have a strategy, then you can clean the house out. Does that make sense? Clean out the house. Bring the house down. But if someone hits on 14 and suddenly the strategy is out the fucking window, then that screws everyone at the table.

Is that why we're paying out the ass for photos with Santa? You're charging double now because you lost all your money at the casino? No, I'm adjusting for holiday inspiration. Do you want a photo or not? Because it's already been taken. Here it is. Do you want to buy this? No.

Well, fuck. Okay, then. I guess I'll try and find someone who looks just like you. What was your name again, Sleeps? Hey, Sleeps, what was your name? Kimberly. Kimberly, can I give you some advice? Okay, Santa.

Okay. You should run away from home. You dad sucks. Sounds like he sucks. I mean, he won pretty big at the casino. last night. Alves, we got too far. I got a two four.

Alves, two fours. It's time for you to go away. We are the elves. It's Christmas. Excuse me, Santa. Excuse me, Santa. Oh, hello there. What's your name?

What? My name is Billy. Oh, Billy, you are so tiny. What? Come up here. I'm small from Ray H. Yes. Oh, Billy, what's going on?

What can I get you for Christmas? You can. I could ask you. you for a Christmas present and you'd try your hardest to get me that Christmas present? Oh, of course. You just mention anything that could be found here in the Milwaukee Greater Mall.

And I'm guessing, yeah. My mom is a public defender. And she says she has this client, his name is Kenny Bostwick, who is a fall Santa. And she was defending him in court the other week. And he kept. coming to court, intoxicated, and inebriated, and the judge said that he has, he's on his second strike.

And if he gets three strikes, it's 10 years. So I guess for Christmas, I would kind of like Kenny Bostow, wherever he is, to get his life together. Oh, yeah, easy for you to say. Did you know that, go ahead? Maybe have a Merry Christmas. May he have a Merry Christmas. Interesting. Did you know that alcohol can sometimes be used as medicine? Maybe the pain of everyday life is so severe that the only way to get through it is to dull your mind and your senses daily?

Because the unforgiving, unrelentless march of time and the dead-in job you found yourself in, and the wife that ran off with a different Mall Santa that all that compounds and adds. up and everyone's going through something. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying everyone's not going through something, okay? But some of us are going through something so insane. Duplos. That we can, you want diplo? What?

Duploes. Just duplos. Two pillows? What do you say? No, duplos. It's like Legos, but they're like kind of bigger for a younger kid. Just say big Legos and get off my fucking lap. And tell your mom, hey, tell your mom, I'm not paying the bills. She's a public divider.

She can stop sending me bills. She's a public defender. Whatever she's sending me in the mail, it can stop, okay? Court summons. She says she's court summons. Hey, welcome to Sabarrow. What can I get you? Let's see here.

Let's see. Have you have like a spicy buffalo chicken kind of thing? Uh, no, sorry. And the menu is out of date. It's just, all we have is like Christmas pizza. Oh, what's, uh, what the crosses? Dude, we've been in line for like 45 minutes. Just pick, come on.

I know. I just don't, hey, it's like 14 bucks a slice. I want to get this right. Is it like red crust or what's, what's a Christmas pizza? Yeah, it's Christmas pizza. So it's like, um, it's red and green. It's basically like red and green pizza. Okay, hey, Bev, it's like red and green pizza.

It's like maybe pesto and marinerering. Is it pestle marinara? Oh, okay. Hey, Bev. Bev? Hey, we are both at the mall at the same time, but we are not here together, okay? We are not here together. Okay, so I'm not buying your slice? Um, no, you should buy. That's the very least you could do, is buy, by, bye, bye.

So two slices of Christmas pizza? No. One slice, Christmas pizza. I want pepperoni. It's, yeah, so the signs out of date for the holidays, it's only all we have left is Christmas pizza. What is Christmas pizza? It's like red and green pizza.

Yeah, but what's the green? What's the green? So it's like, you know, like, how, like, Pizza has like shredded cheese. Yes. It's like shredded lettuce. That sounds horrible. It's cooked.

It's cooked. It's not cold. What? It's hot. Panetta Express. Um, let's see. No, I wanted a pepperoni from Sabaro Pizza and I guess I don't really want to have to negotiate anymore or sort of compromise anymore after you cheated on me with our neighbor.

So I guess we're going to wait in this line and be in this line. And then you're also probably going to buy me a Wetzel's pretzel later. And that's just what I'm thinking is going to happen. It can't, I look, Reggie. Let me ask you something, Reggie. Is hand stuff cheating? Say no. Say no.

Say no. Because he did everything except hand stuff because he thought that hand stuff was the only thing that was cheating. He thought everything else was okay. And you told him hand stuff is cheating. Yeah, I said hand stuff is cheating. And he thought that meant the only thing is that is. Dude, dude, dude, that's misleading. Because I can see how you could say

Hans stuff is cheating. Reggie, you're joking. Reggie, go back to the cooks and say, put pepperoni and cheese on a fucking pizza for me, okay? Can I be honest? I don't like to make any of that other pizza. I like to make Reggie's Christmas pizza. That's all I've made today.

Yeah, but can you make me a pepperoni pizza, please? Because... Man, I can, but like, I think Reggie's pizza, Christmas pizza is good. And I think more people should be trying. Reggie, can I tell you

something? No one likes hand stuff. Okay? Hand stuff is for people who haven't really had sex yet and are in their parents' basement

and they're just trying stuff out. Hand stuff as a grown-up sort of goes out the window. So it's not some sort of heroic feat. Did he ask about hand stuff? Yes.

He said, hey, babe, he went, knock, knock. I was in my office and he went, hey, babe, is handstuff cheating? And I went, yes, of course hand stuff is cheating. Oh, interesting. Now sitting in the pantry

is your office. Interesting. I'm back on her side Because I thought you, ma'am, have brought up to him That hand stuff is cheating And had not specified anything else But if he asked about it

And you just responded to it I'm back on your side Thank you, Reggie. Two Reggie's? No, nobody wants Reggie's fucking lettuce Pizza. I think if people tried it, they would like it. After he cheated, he came back into the house

And said, but I didn't do hand stuff And that was so hard to not do hand stuff And I went, no, no, it's not. Very easy to not do hand stuff. Well, well. Reggie. Come on, man. Was he didn't use his hands at all?

No, he used his hands, but he just didn't do hand stuff. Yeah, didn't do hands stuff. What's the line? What's the line? Uh, hand on penis. That's fine? No, that's the line. That's the line.

Yeah. Dude, you telling me he didn't touch his own penis the whole time? No, he touched his own penis the whole time. No, he touched his own penis. Oh, we didn't touch the other guy's penis. Yes. Yes. Dude.

Okay. I'm back on her side. Thank you, Reggie. You know what? Ma'am, you've been wronged. I know. Reggie Sabara quarter pizza. I award you one slice of original Reggie Christmas pizza.

Ugh, no. Would you please try it? No, please no. Would you just try it and give me your honest opinion because no one wants to try it? Can I have it for free then? I'll give it to you for free. One bite. Okay, I'm going to have one bite.

But if you like it, if you like it, you buy the rest of the slice. Okay. Okay. Hot or cold or... What do you mean hot or cold? Reggie. It's cooked pizza, but do you want me to warm it up, basically? Of course.

Okay, okay. Well, that's also a terrible deal because once she takes a bite of it for free, to buy the rest, to pay full price for a slice that has a bite of it, that's insane. Yeah, gross. But you took the bite. We're not sure. How do I know? How could I quality check that?

Just don't go anywhere with it. Just eat it in front of me. But things should reset once you take a bite. Now I want a full slice of pizza and I'll pay the full slice price. But to pay full price for a slice that has a bite of it, that's insane. Honey, that is a really good point. That is a good point. Thank you.

Thank you. So it sounds like not guilty because no hands. No, no. No. You definitely are guilty. Okay. You were inside of someone. Okay, so I have the slice.

So one free bite from the front, not from the back. Well, wait, no, I want a crust bite. Are you kidding? I want, of course I want a crust bite. The crust bite just tastes like normal pizza. I know. That's why I want to eat it. You won't even know if you like it.

But don't you want me to have a part of the pizza that I like so I end up buying the full slice? Because I just need to like the bite that I take. I've done this all day because then you'll say, Hey, then I turned the pizza around and ate the part I didn't like and I want a refund. But I'm not giving any more refunds. Is this like undercover boss or something where like we go to punch you and then you take off your dumb hat and you're like, I'm actually the owner and that was a trick? But why would he be tricking us, honey? That makes no sense.

We don't work. I don't know. This guy sucks so fucking bad. I can't tell what's going on. What? I suck so fucking bad? You're the one who sucked. Seems like you sucked.

And now you're down bad. I suck well, my dude. Oh, don't remind me. Oh, my God. Whatever. Okay. Okay, we'll take two slices. One bite from the back. One bite from the back.

One bite from the front. If you like it, he pays for your slice. Okay. What? All right, here you go. Ah, shit, I forgot the lettuce. Ugh. Ah, nuts!

I missed out on getting the worm this morning. Wait, but you're... You talked all about wanting to be the early bird. I know. Well, what I say and what I do is two different things. There's quite a discrepancy. You've been practicing the worm all year. You said you were going to get out of bed,

flop down on the floor, and start writhing around. I know. I love breakdancing, but I guess I didn't get it. I got to get it more early. Early. Oh, you know what else I need to do early? Acorns early. Ah. Oh, wait, you mean Acorns Early, the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up?

That acorns early? Yeah, when my kids get out of their eggs, out of the nest, I want them to be prepared and set up for success in the world. That would have changed my life. Because I was growing up being like, why aren't they teaching us how to handle our finances in schools? They're kind of just throwing us to the wolves when we turn 20. and I don't know anything about money. And if I had had acorns early, this would have been way easier. Yeah, with acorns early, you start with the in-app chores tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar.

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Aaron, I just added a photo to your aura frame. It's sort of a belt buckle. I think it's Ryan Renner. Oh, I fell for it again. How did I fall for it again? Happy Christmas to us all. Okay, and just put those up on the counter. Let's see what we have here.

We have God of War Ragnarok, mid. Okay, we have a Breath of the Wild, all right? This is a loose Mario Party cartridge. Okay, I carry the one. Your trade-in value for GameStop would be $8.78. What? I'm so, wait, hold on. I'm so confused.

your trade-in value from the 46 games you brought in here I've won over all of it and your trade-in value is $8 and what did I say? We'll just say $8 even. So you're going to give me $8. Mm-hmm.

And trade value. Okay, in trade value. Yeah, eight GameStop dollars. And then you keep all of these? Yeah, I mean, I guess we'll find a way to, I don't know, I'll sell them or something, but yeah, well, I mean, And you're really getting a deal because we're doing a lot of work here.

Can I, can I confer with my, uh, uh, no, it's a three second offer, three. I take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. All right. Okay. And I get this like a gift card or? It's, uh, store credit and it expires in five minutes. Uh, who is your friend there with you? Uh, this is my buddy, um, Matt.

It looks like a lawyer. Oh, Matt, uh, would you like to tell why you look like a lawyer? Because I'm, I'm a lawyer. Oh. It's a lawyer. All right. Well, just so you know, that was a good deal. That was a fair deal.

And it's already been, it's already done. We have a verbal agreement. We do have to. Ladies and gentlemen of the game stop. Mostly gentlemen. A couple ladies. Let's not. It's not totally.

Well, I'm just saying right now there's currently no ladies, but there could be. Yeah. There would be. There could be. I'm usually better at just buying it online or something. thing versus spending in it uh yeah go ahead gentlemen of the game stop do you think it's fair to bring in i don't know something like four hundred dollars worth of video games into a game stop as a trade in and be handed eight dollars back because this gentleman right here

thinks that that is fair and i think he should be put to death for his crimes Hey, come on To take advantage of a sweet guy That's just trying to get a little bit of cash Before Christmas So he can buy his baby That he's neglected the entire year To play video games a present

Oh, I didn't know it was for your baby Oh, you didn't know it was for a baby It's because why everyone And everyone's nodding and saying Because he didn't ask You know what? I feel bad here is a QR code for some free

DLR for the most recent Resident Evil. Look at DLR. We don't know what that means. So we actually want $40 in store credit. No. DLR is like DLC

but the R is for really bad. We would give away DLC. Okay. So Matt, did you get me my, did he get the $40 or he said no? Oh, he said no. Where does that kind of leave us? Can we have $30? Um, hmm, I'll give you $8 in store credit.

That's a pretty good deal. That's what he offers the first offer. Oh, shoot. Oh, yeah. Are you suspended Velcroed on? Lawyer, are your suspenders Velcroed on? No. Because every time you put your thumb... That's hard.

It hurts. It hurts my thumbs. Ow. Okay. What do you want to use this $8 credit towards? You have four minutes. More games. Wait, that's just the kids.

Mom, this doesn't fit, and it's scratchy. The sweater is scratchy. It's itchy. All of your cousins are going to be wearing this sweater. I don't care. Please. Grandma's going to die no matter what I wear. Everyone's going to die no matter what. That's not the point. The point is what we do with the time that we have. I'm so tired of it being like, it's grandma's last Christmas.

It's grandma's last Christmas. Because you guys have been saying that for 10 years. And she's a monster, and she's still alive. She makes us wear matching sweaters, and I hate it. Mom, I hate it. Cameron, Cameron, it's one thing that you have to do for your grandma. As far as we know, it is her last Christmas. Every Christmas is her last Christmas.

Mom, she's the devil. What? She's the devil. We don't know that. She acts a lot like the devil, Mom. We don't, but we don't know that she is. Someone can act like something. like Ben Affleck.

He can act like Batman, but he's not Batman. Christian Bale is Batman. Christian Bail is Batman. At our household, Christian Bail is Batman. Or Robert Pattinson. No. It's Bale, Keaton. Okay.

What about Clooney? Cluny? You could see his nipples. Yeah? You love that. Mom, you love that. Okay. I see what you do.

George Clooney nipples all the time. I see what you're doing. You're trying to get me to talk about George Clooney's nipples instead of putting on that sweatshirt. Cameron, it's the last one we have. The last one the store has. Just wear the sweatshirt. Everyone else in the world talks about how wonderful Christmas time is and how great Christmas time is.

And I go, we go to my grandmother's house in Maine. And it's a labyrinth of terrors the whole time. It's a nightmare week. Yes. Cameron, I agree with you. It is not, I never told you that Christmas was wonderful or that Christmas was, you know, a good time or festive or full of cheered love. Christmas is a nightmare, but it's our nightmare, Cameron. It's the one that we live through together, okay?

I hope it's her last Christmas. I do too. Everyone does, but we wear the sweat. Attention, Milwaukee, Greater Mall Shoppers. We've had a report of someone saying George Clooney's nipples, please, for the comfort of all shoppers this holiday season. reason, please do not say George Clooney's nipples. Cameron, did you turn me in? Did you turn me in?

Well, I knew you already had two strikes, so I thought, if I can get you kicked us out before we buy the stupid scratchy sweater. Can we just get through this, okay? You have to get through this. We have to fly to Maine. We have to do Christmas at your grandmothers. Nobody's going to have a good time, but we're all going to pretend. Because if we don't, Cameron, we don't get any of the inheritance when and if she eventually dies. I think it's a lie. I think it's a lie that she uses to marion at her kids. It's the only

thing we have, okay? Whether or not it's a lie, it's all we have. We have everything riding on this camera. Do you want to go to college? No, not really. Fuck. Sounds like a lot of work. And you know what? I know, I know for a fact that grandma killed her last husband. I know for fact. I saw it and then she walked up to me and she went, no one's going to believe you, Cameron. Good luck trying to get people to believe you, Cameron.

And then she poured eggnog all over my head. Good. Did you say thank you? Yes. Because I was terrified. Yes. Of course. She killed her last husband. She kills all the husbands. She kills everyone, Cameron. $80 million.

I don't she has a penny to her name. Oh, Cameron, she has a penny. We sit through a presentation from her law team about how much her wealth has increased every year. Anyone can pretend to be a lawyer. I saw two kids earlier at a game stop who had flicked back their hair with water from the sink

and they were dressed like lawyers. They were trying to get one over on them. Okay, fine, Cameron. We just won't go to Maine. Great. We won't go to Christmas. Yeah, amazing. We can have Christmas just us.

It will be so cozy. Oh, yeah, it'll be cozy. In our one-bedroom apartment where we have no furniture because we're waiting for that $80 million to come in. What if we worked, Bob? No.

We're Vanderbilts. We do not work. We wait. Hey, hey, playa. Can I talk to you for a second, Playa? Excuse me. Hi. Sorry, don't make me chase you down.

No, I'm good. Hey, sorry. I saw you walk right by my kiosk. Did you want to buy a black shirt with Post Malone's face next to a Utah Jazz logo? Hey, man, I get that you're just trying to sell, you know, stuff from the kiosk, but I'm good. I don't, I'm... Crap. No one said...

No one said crap. I didn't say, you. crap. Good. Well, yeah, because it's not crap. Hey, hey. Hi. You're cutting near my kiosk. Do you want to buy iridescent wind chimes? No, yeah. Do you want to buy iridescent wind chimes? I didn't

place the kia. I'm just trying to walk through the mall. Oh, yeah, but you're in my zone now, so. Why don't you guys talk to each other? $80, $80, $80, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. $80.

Oh, excuse me, buddy. You're back to right up into my kiosk, can I interest you in a GoPro for condoms? What? This isn't a kiosk? What is this? This is three moving boxes. This is three moving boxes full

of Gopros for condoms, and I'm letting them go for... Dude. Nobody wants that. I don't even know how that would work, and I don't want to know how that works. I'm just trying I'm trying to get... I can show you how it works when I meet you in the bathroom. Seems like you stumbled across my kiosk. I sell little...

little dogs that are electronic and they scream. You're dangling on wires from the ceiling. I think you cut towards your gear. I also tell a little like helicopter things that I can remote control. Come on. I'm not in. Hey, get off of me. Okay.

Don't touch me. I know you're not allowed to touch me. I know you're in my own now. Do you want any sweet soap? The soap you can eat. Yeah, soap you can eat. My wife and I make it in the not our bathtub. Not the bathtub.

We make it in the not bathtub, honey, muw. There's a picture of you, it's a big picture of you making it soap in a bathtub. It looks like you're making soap in a bathtub in this picture. Well, that's a painting and it's fictitious. We can have fun. The CDC says no. There's paint on it. There's paint on it.

The health department says, no, we don't make it in the bathtub. How many bars of soap could we put you down for? What did you paint? You put some paint on a picture? Chocolate soap. It's chocolate soap. I don't want any. I'm not.

Hey, man, hey man. Hey, what kind of phone do you have there? That's a cool phone. What, through my pocket? Yeah, I can see the outline. Unless that's your weird dick. Is that your weird dick or a phone? Man, relax, okay?

I'm just, I don't want any of this. Hey, your hair looks fucking disgusting. Can I straighten it? Your hair looks so gross and disgusting. I can fix that for you. I can straighten it. You little rat hair. Rat hair.

Straighten your hair. Come here. Come here. It's a hot tool. It's a hot tool. Come here. half an inch of hair. Oh, shh, shh, hey, calm down, buddy. Why don't you lay down for this kiosk massage where everyone passing by can see you? And it'll both hurt like hell and feel

like nothing at the same time. Lay down. Hey, lay down. You don't have a chair. Just lay down to the ground at the mall? No, I'm not going to lay down. I'm not going to lay down in the ground at the mall. No, it's fine. Hey, it's already started. It's already started. I know you're not allowed to cut 80 dollars. You should do it a little hurt like hell and feel like nothing. I know. $80 a minute. I know you don't know that it takes me. Stop saying $80.

None of this is worth $80. Hey, playa. Hey, playa. Hey, playa. Oh, you again. Is he the first guy? Yeah, I got more than one kiosk. Hey, you want to buy a t-shirt with Post Malone's face on it next to Utah Jazz?

Well, I'm reasonable. I'm reasonable. $120. I'm... $120 for that. Yeah. That's Post Malone's face. That's Post Malone's face next to the Utah Jazz.

has logo and they'll be have like tattoos on his face like 80 dollar wind chimes 80 dollar wind chimes how is it possible that I'm back here Okay Okay everybody The limited edition lego are, we still have six left, okay?

And I know, oh my God, oh, my God. It's right before Christmas and tension is high. Emotions are running high. We decided, even though you have been waiting out here in line, that we are going to give everyone a random number, and then you can come in in. Six. No, no, we're going to give you.

Oh, one. One. I should have said one. We're going to hand you a number out of a bowl. Everyone, that is your assigned number, and then you will come in in that order one at a time, so there is no violence in the Lego. It's a bowl made out of Legos.

How much for the bowl? How much for the bowl? Is the bowl for sale? The bowl is not for sale. We use it for sort of employee, um, raffles and stuff. Do you have a job here? We're not currently hiring. We're a little overstaffed because it's the holidays.

I bet you hire on some people that are going to try to steal that bowl. Hired me on the security. I'll protect it. The first lady who you handed the bull to, she ran off with it. Uh, okay. She's gone. I'm just going to point to random people and give you numbers. One.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You cannot just point to random people and give them numbers. We do not know your biases. Um, okay. Have, has any race ever wronged you? Don't say white, don't say white, don't say white, don't say white, don't say white, don't say white, please don't say white. No!

Yes! You have biases! Yes! You're definitely not going to point to me. White people with like blonde, curly hair who are in line. I'll shave it off. I'll change it. You're mostly describing that guy from Ryan Philippi.

So you've met him. So you know Ryan Philippi. Cruel intentions indeed. Cruel intensions indeed. Look, don't blame. Ryan Philippi. Don't blame the rest of us guys out here for what Ryan Philippe did with him. We disavow.

You look just like Ryan Philippe. I think you might be him. I think he might be him. And that's why your number is million. Hope you like being million. This is why the biases. This is why I said about the biases. Hope you even get one single Lego brick

that you can give to your kid or whatever the fuck. Why don't we go around the line and we each, because some of us are here for the limited edition that only has a few less, but some of us are here for other sets. So let's maybe go around and each say what set we're looking to grab. Okay, I feel like you're all here for the same. same set.

Legos first ever nudity porno set. That's what I'm here for it. Yeah, everyone's nodding. I'm actually here for Frazier Legos. If I could go to the front of the line. Yeah, that is the same set, sir. Damn it. It's Miles Crane, full nude folding the dog next to the dad in the chair.

Okay, um, here's an idea. I know a lot of us probably have different circumstances that have led us to want to buy that Lego. What if we each kind of sing like a sad song that kind of tells our story? Okay, I'll allow it. And whichever song you think speaks to you more is like a person who kind of gets to go to the front of the line. Well, my name is Tom, and I've never had sex and I've never had sex and I need this bad. Need this bad. I need these Legos. Please, please, please. I need these Legos. Tom, right to the front. Okay.

That is the one to be. Okay. I'm a lonely man, and I live alone. That's free falling. Back of the line. Ryan, Philippe, back of the line. Hold on. Hold on.

Ryan, Felipe, back of the line. Cool intentions indeed. Tubbs was, God damn it, by Blake 1.82. No, it wasn't. I didn't want to say anything. No, it wasn't. It absolutely was. No, it wasn't.

Think back. Think back, think back No, there's goes Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun and mine goes Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun His goes Dada dun da dun dun dun and that one goes

Da da da da da dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Fun I'll leave I'll leave Oh he's going to the front of life He's going to his front of life Hey hey hey This is the back

This is the front I thought this was the back No, you didn't feel the back. I thought this was the back. No, you didn't. No, you didn't, no, you didn't filib. I thought this was the back. Bum, bum, bum, bim, bid.

Dim, bim, bid. Is that the song that's in cruel intentions? Oh, I thought someone was doing the sad song contest, but they were just doing an instrumental. And I was like, that's brilliant. I was. Sorry, it's me an orphan in the back trying to get the Frasier porno set for Christmas. Oh, whatever. No way that's an orphan.

Oh, hey, sorry, I was actually going to get into this parking spot. That's actually, I've been looking for parking, and I saw this spot first, and I just wanted to pull in and take the spot. Thank you so much. So you just move your Nissan back. Interesting. You saw this. Yes, I saw the spot first, sir.

Oh, but did you see me? Because I was kind of, I've been waiting for the spot, and you kind of like... Oh, I saw your car sort of pull up after I found the spot, and... Well, you kind of sort of raced around from the other side of the question. Well, I had just been in this, and I just had been looping around, because I saw a person get in their car, and so I went and I looped. Oh, Jordan, there you are. I need the suit, buddy. I need a suit right now, please. For my fucking dead body, you need the suit. I have to use the suit. My shift starts in five minutes.

My shit. What? I'm near the Nordstrom Rack. Where are you? I'm on the other side of the mall. I'm at the wets. I need the suit. Sir, move your Nissan back, please. Hey, I'm not talking to you anymore. I've moved on with my life. I'm happy to just leave the Nissan here. I don't give a shit about this car. Okay, then leave your Nissan, move it back a little bit, and I will get to this spot. I'm not moving it. I'm not moving it. Sir, I am tired. I got two kids in the back, and I'm willing to destroy.

Your car is a golf club. There's no kids back here. Those are puppets. Okay. Okay. Love is love is love is love. And I love these puppets. You can't quote Lynn Manmoe Miranda.

And I love these puppets like they're my own kids. Hey, ma'am, you're actually fighting right now with a half-naked Santa Claus with a beat-to-shit in Nissan. It is the Saturday before Christmas. You think I haven't seen weirder shit today already? Everyone's fighting for their fucking lives out here. What do I have to lose? Nothing. I've got nothing to lose.

I'm a lady with two puppets in the back. You got a Nissan. Okay, let's all be calm. You got a 2019 Nissan. You're doing just fine. Oh, you think my life's so great? Why don't we do this? You and me, right now, leave both cars here,

walk to the wishing well-foundant in the mall, start to pee into it. Hey, eye lightning, switch lights. Switch places, have sex, see what it's like to have sex with ourselves. Self from a different angle. Five. How about that? Merry fucking Christmas.

Let's go. Let's go. Everybody, they get out of their cars, walk into the mall. Two local weirdos found dead in a fountain at the mall. Thanks, Jeremy. I'm here on site at the mall where we're also talking to, I mean, obviously that's very tragic, but I'm also talking to holiday shoppers who are doing their shopping at the last minute. Hi, ma'am, what's your name? My name is Linda. Linda, why are you here and what are you getting?

I am procrastinated on my list, and I came here today and I tried to do all my list really. quick and they don't have any of the things that are on my list anymore. And so I'm having to just sort of figure it out and think about what my loved ones might want on the fly. That's right. A lot of shoppers are saying that what they're searching for

is sold out. We've heard ma'am, you can shuffle along. We've heard reports that the... No, please. Can I stay with you? Oh, um, no. We're not... Pohl's on little newscaster jacket. Can I stay with you, please? Please don't. Please don't.

We've heard reports that the Frazier Niles Crane nudity set has already caused, has already caused, oh boy, fuck, has already caused quite a commotion. If you get fired, you can live with me. No, thank you, hard pass. Now we go to our reporter on the scene who's actually at Santa's Village in the mall. Jordan, how's Santa's Village? Santa's Village This is Jordan Piper reporting from Santa's

Village Something terrible has happened here There are no signs of Santa No signs of elves No signs of children Just parents left at a confused stupor

As to what has been going on at Santa's Village There have been reports That real elves Two to three feet tall With razor sharp teeth have been taking the children and chocking them into the abyss. Don't tell our secrets you're going to be next.

Don't tell our secrets we'll cut off your neck. Thanks, Jordan. Back to me. Hi, who are you shopping for and what have you bought? I'm actually not shopping at all at the mall today. Okay, so what are you doing here? So Christmas time, see, there's a lot of people and they're desperate and they're frustrated and they have a lot of emotions and they waited

to the last minute and I'm a pickup artist who likes to come to the mall on Christmas so I can try to sleep with those people sexually speaking interesting Samantha we're here at the mall from seemingly that guy from Abbott Elementary and She-Hulk I forget his day he's also in the other two. Tatiana Maslop. No relation. Sir, we are going to be closing. Sir, we are going to be closing for Christmas in about two minutes.

just wrap up whatever shopping you need to do, and we can send you on your way. We'll check you out quick, wrap it for you, and then you can get home to your family. Oh, two minutes, you said? Yeah, we're closing two minutes for Christmas. I think that'll be fine. Just taking a few things off my list, wink. Huh. Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Santa Claus?

Me? No, no, no. My name is Nicholas. That's Santa Claus? No, Santa's name is Santa. My name is Nicholas. Oh, well, is there anything I can help you find off your list, Mr. Nicholas, sir? Let's see, I guess there's only one item left, and that's a date for tonight's dinner at 7.30 p.m. At Cortez Steakhouse?

I guess I'm free, but if you were really Santa, you wouldn't be free because you got to go deliver gifts, huh? Hmm. Yeah, I guess if I was Santa, that would be the case. Or maybe if I was Santa, I would have got with the times and figured out some sort of new technology that takes care of the gift so that Santa can get his. Oh, I guess I am free, after all. Oh, what's this? Sorry for this form-fitting, tight red suit. I have this little satchel around my, wait, let me, oh, what's this in my satchel? Oh, some lingerie. Oh, okay, that's interesting. Also, a ton of condoms to sort of fell out. You did that, like, used condoms.

That's fine. Interesting. Yeah. Guess I've been naughty. Is this the guy? Thanks for stalling him. Yeah, yeah, this is the guy. Sir, you've been saying George Clooney's nipples of this ball all day.

I've been thinking it. You're out of him. You're out of hill him. Hold on. Kill him. Hold on. Chill intentions indeed. Neptune.

I'm going to be able to be. Thank you.