Hey Riddle Riddle - *UNLOCKED* Patreon Ep #145: A Christmas Carol with JP Riddles

Episode Date: December 8, 2022

God help us, every one! There's a lot more insanity where this came from! If you want to help support the show and listen to 100+ (almost 200!) more of these eps, you can subscribe at Patreon See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Kashmir was dead to begin with. There is no doubt whatsoever about that. The register of her burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the ducks, Kasey Tony, former governor of Massachusetts Mike Tukakis, and won JP Riddles. While he signed it, JP Rittles croaked, go, go, cash meers as dead as a door nail. In dead she was, this must be understood, or nothing wonderful can come from this story that I'm going to relate. It is a bleak, freezing Christmas Eve. We see the tops of buildings,

capped in ice and with smoke coming from their chimneys. The church bells bring no warmth to the cobblestone streets covered in grey snow. Poor children hold their pet rats with one hand and run alongside a hoop pushing it every so often with a stick. Even poor children look on and hope that St. Nicholas will bring them a rat in a hoop of their very own this evening. They cough. St. Nicholas will bring them a rat in a hoop of their very own this evening. Bicoff. We zoom in on a particular dead end street. The snowflurry's whooshing past us. At the end of the street we see a building.

With a plaque that reads, JP riddles and Coco Cache Meers rental property business. The second name had been scratched out. It had been scratched out years ago. This building was a real hole in the ground. It was somehow colder inside than it was outside. The candles lit the business smelled like rotten garbage and created a sickly beige glow across the room, filled with quills, bookkeeping, acorns, blood packets for pranks, backup blood, horse blood, coal, urine puddles, and piles of money that the men who worked there had collected from the helpless tenants across the city. At his desk scribbling away was the man whom this cautionary tale is about.

JP Riddles is a miser, a crook, a cramudge in, and a nightmare. He was as old as sand and as stubborn as an angry old goat with a facial hair to match. He did experimental surgeries as a hobby, and every time he talked about his teeth, he used air quotes. He always appeared as if he had been lit from below. The shadows cast across his face had no apparent source, and they half revealed the horny scowl that splashed across his face every day. It was clear from the scarred, a perfect circle around his neck, that his whole head had been inside

of a wolf's mouth for several days. His once grand suit and coat were covered in soot and frayed from all the fires he had started. Crums from all the bones he had eaten lay on the corners of his mouth and cascaded down his necktie and waistcoat. From far away, his black top hat would appear to have a polka-dotted pattern. Upon closer inspection, it was clear that it was filled with holes, holes made by the biting bugs who still lived inside. JP Riddles hated Christmas, mostly because he wasn't sure what it was, and he hates being confused, but also because it involved everything he hated most, marimen, presents, great food, and love.

We get a good look at his yellow and red eyes as he says his catchphrase. BAAAAT comejag! I'm so happy. Write that down that's your catchphrase. But yeah, I don't want that after it. Bar comejag. I am. You should anyway just do gays. To his right is a ghastly extension of JP riddles.

His sidekick, PJ Skittles. Addle, this is you. PJ was a raccoon wearing a top hat in a full suit. You would think that that would indicate an adorable creature, but he was quite the opposite. This raccoon was a glutton for money, women, attention, booze, and children's tears. He sat next to J.P. Rittles, biting into gold coins to confirm their authenticity, and also because eating money turned him on We can't stress enough. This is a talking raccoon and not attacking badger. It's different shut up

It's different leave us alone. It's Christmas. We're trying our best. It's different Adel is that good is it to make sense? It's different. It's not the same. Oh, yeah, Aaron. Oh my god Sort of looks like a badger though I mean about the only one who thinks it like, Aaron. Oh my god. Sort of looks like a badger though. I mean, about the only one who thinks it, like I'm looking at it and it sort of looks like a badger. I'm drawing my best. Okay, I'm just saying. BJ Skittles looks at us and he says his catchphrase in English.

Sorry, in English or in English. Get out. I speak in English. Ha ha ha. Bob Buttplug. There you go. Just then, JP Riddles' nephew burst through the door cheerfully. He's clean and tall, and with great posture and boundless energy. He has a cheer.

He reduced me. Oh no, he's so horny. He has such a cheery face that you really want to plunge it the second you see it. He's carrying a wreaths on with cranberries, oranges, and little gold bells. Merry Christmas, Uncle, and Merry Christmas to you as well, Mr. Skittles. Ah, JP, is it Christmas or is it Pismis? I don't know what either one of those means, so I'll assume it's both. What are you doing in here with your jaunty little smile and your bells and your whistles and your chocolate bells?

Which are not made of chocolate. And your jaundice little smile and your scrappy little shoes. Oh, I'm gonna stick it off to bother these shoes. Oh, nothing on you, chocolate boy. What do you do and bother it us? Again, Uncle, I'm sorry that I am not made of a confectionery sweet. But I just wanted to stop by and give you this room. Boy, what do you do with bother it us? Again, Uncle, I'm sorry that I am not made of a confectionery suite, but I just wanted to stop by and give you this wreath and tell you Merry Christmas, even though I know you two are screwed for Christmas.

I can't catch feral cats with this, it's got a big hole in the middle of it. This is useless to me. Buh-uh-come, rug! I throw this right out the window. Ah, fine, Uncle. I also just... Well, I was walking up here, I realized this, and I wanted to remind you, your old business partner, Coco Kage Mir, died seven years ago today. Isn't that wild?

Time is flying by very fast. Every day I remain out of prison is a blessing. Well, Uncle, horny sidekick I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and I'll kiss you both on the cheeks and I turn my head so you kiss me on the mouth. Well now I smell like cigarettes and I'll be on my way. Hold on hold on I'm not letting you leave without a kiss on the mouth I kiss Mary Acood on the mouth. Oh also also a little tongue. You gotta give him something because he's so damn horny.

Bought comes luck. Now you get the heck outta here boy. I don't wanna see you here. Unless it's a work day, you work for me and then I wanna see you here all the time, working away, click on your little tape writer. In fact, I wanna tape writer as well. But one made out of chocolate,

so I can eat it real slow. And would it kill you or wear your pants a little lower? Show some skin, baby. I'm a little bandit rat. He's gone. Their employee Rob Racket stands up from his desk. Yeah. Rob has a sweet face and stands with no confidence.

Um, Mr. Riddle, sir. I, um... How long have you been creeping around there? I came into work early, sir, just as you requested. I've been working away, and my fingers are bloody just like you like them. I just wondered maybe because it's... Work! Wait a second. You don't work in a binny how to do you? No, I work for you, sir. I do the books for you. You're a terrible landlord.

Oh, there's blood in my fried rice. Kill them, JP. All right, and then hold on. That's just the way JP orders it. Bloody extra crispy. No shrimp. And I don't dare flip them into my mouth. What did you see a name was again? My name is Rob Racquet of... I know your name, Racquet. I'm talking to my squirrel here. Oh, my name is PJ Skittles and blood is human Saracha. N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's Chris Miseave. Oh you're asking what JP? He wants some Coles gift cards is that what he said?

Throw him in the fire. Coles cash would do just fine. Coles cash spends the same as American green so let me uh hold on let me open up my pocket book and slide you over a little corals cash here we go here's a little bird flew out. Yeah. Eat that bird, nice. Sir, this is a cruel joke. I see with my eyes and my hands that this is toilet paper. I'm sorry for making that request. I shouldn't have done it, sir. That's as good as gold if you could trade it, right? No, you don't need to worry about it.

I just get back to work and work long, hard hours, and keep making me my squirrel money. And we'll be right as rain, ratchet. OK, fine, sir. And just one final thing I I would be remiss if I didn't do something truly in the Christmas spirit I wanted to invite you to my humble home in the poor side of town to eat a Christmas meal with my family tomorrow sir you see it could be petite peets last

Christmas with us ratchet if I wanted to get tetanus, I would eat the dinner that I'm gonna eat tonight. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, but sir, he said it, that he feels like he's getting stronger every day, but he's a kid and he doesn't realize he's dying. But I understand, sir, you're busy, and you don't like Christmas. I just thought I'd extend the invitation.

I'm not gonna walk my ass all the way across town just to kill your kid, Ratchet. It's not what I... Bob buttpug. I'm sorry, Skittle's riddles, I'll go back to work. Just then a small man knocks on the door, ringing his cap in his hands and shaking. Excuse me, Mr. Reddles, I was wondering if you could... I was gonna make it extra on my goodness, just to of an extension on my rent because it's a Christmas

I don't want my 40 children to lose their home on Christmas. You have 40 children? Wait, JP, don't do it. He wants to extend rent 528,600 minutes. I get up my little squirt bottle and I squirt him in the face a couple of times. No, SIGGET! Nope, I'm both of you. I squirt both of you.

Ratchet, come here, pop up. I'm gonna squirt you in a little bit too. Is that pissant come? It's not water. It's freezing onto my eyelids. Thank you, sir, I guess. I don't know what it is. I found another by desk, I assumed it was one of yours.

So let me get this straight. You got 40 kids. And yet you don't have enough money to pay rent. Where are these kids working? Any coal mine worth its salt is gonna be giving those kids a healthy amount of wages. Good points, sir. I'm sorry, sir, for wishing you a time.

I'll be on my way. You're working a coal mine? So they, they mine like khakis and shit? Yes! Kicking the butt? Ow, my butt! I think that was my butt. Riddles and skittles worked late into the night, counting their money and huffing and puffing

at anyone they could hear singing or laughing in the distance. By the time they left, everyone in the city was safe in their homes. They grumbled about how everyone who celebrates this holiday should be boiled in their own Christmas pudding. They finally arrived at their nasty home. For just a moment, their door knocker seemed to melt and change into a face. A woman's face. A woman's face. Tampon! Faith! It's screeched before it abruptly turned back into the ordinary door knocker once was. They must have been seeing something. Uh-uh-uh-uh.

How much acid did we do at the office today? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ah, I want to say 20 tabs each? Okay, well then we should be, that should counteract the poison that we ingested this morning. So what we saw can be, it can only be two things, an act of God or an invitation of violence. It was well below freezing now as they went inside. The homes seemed to have been decorated by bombs and termites. A fire roared in the fireplace as they sat in uncomfortable silence, eating their bread

that was as hard as a rock and drinking their boiled sewer water. So how did I start talking, boss? Well, that's actually a really good story of PJ Skittles. It all started when I was back in my old business days when I was trading epipens for empties.ies. Oh. And one of my Eppie Pins slept in it, hit a little raccoon in the head. And by God, I thought, well, that guy's dead. He's definitely dead. I'm getting to that, I'm getting to that.

So I took him home, cooked him and ate him. As is my want to do. Was my dad good, tasty? No, nothing's tasty for me. Everything needs more sauce than I refuse to buy salt. So anyway, I'm on my way back to work the next day and I hear a pathetic little muon coming from the ground. And I say, oh my God, that raccoon I ate last night

has had a baby and a picture. My brother. Yeah, that was your brother and he was good eating. But by that time I was stuffed, I'd eaten a big daddy raccoon, a baby raccoon, and then I got into my office, and who was there? You. My cousin.

Yes, your cousin, you. Ah. This went on for several more minutes. They sported their matching striped nightgowns and caps and sat as they warmed their chapped hands by the fire, starting to dose. Right as their eyes finally closed, the grandfather clock in their home began to chime.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. 8 9 10 11 12 Just then, their fire blows out and their sewer waterspills. Their staircase begins to glow white. A screech can be heard from the bottom of the stairs. Saved by the bell? No! Damn! Damn!

Oh, thank you. All the bells in their home begin to ring at once. Oh we are saved by the bell. It wakes them up with a start. The sound of dragging chains and mowning can be heard from the bottom of the stairs. The men back up against the wall together shaking in fear. P, did you get me a stripper? Yes, birthday? Yes, but she got stuck in the chimney. So I thought she died. Well, well, well, well, well. If he isn't JP Reddles in his little recon friend PJ Skittles.

I'm drawing a complete blank. Who is this? It's the knocker. Ask me who I was, not who I is. In life, I was your business partner. Coco Keshe. Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam. That's not gonna work on me. I'm already dead. And I know what you're thinking. You missed me. Uh, are you talking to me or the cat?

You! There's no... You mean your raccoon? That's a raccoon! Staying pee, are you telling me I worked with you for all those years and you don't miss me even a lick? You gotta understand something about me. I experience time different than any human being that I've ever known or witnessed in my life.

What may have been years for you was just a blip for me. I'm moving through time on a non-linear sphere. You understand? JP, JP, come too. It's yesterday. If it's yesterday, I'll come too. And I'll come today. And I'll come today and I'll come everyday I'm alive. Because I'm JP Rittles. I'm filthy and I'm nasty and I'm horny and I'm sad. Wait, let me mix all that with some piss and put it in a square gun.

We're reloaded baby. What is it that you want, Coco Cashmere? If that is the name that I remember you saying was your name. I am here to bring you a final warning. If you did not change, you will end up like me. In hell for being annoying. I was gonna go to hell for lots of other stuff. So you're saying I can get a lightest ins?

Where I gonna hell for just being annoying? Exactly. It's too late for me, but I've come here for the sake of you, riddles and skittles. As part of my penance, I have been sent to warn you. Uh, warn me what? Well, there will be three ghosts. Spirit, guides, who visit you ten night.

Nine creatures? No, I'm sorry, it's three total. That was misleading. I see that now. Because you said three ghosts, three spirits. I heard ice-kittles. Good note. I'm telling you, I'm taking the note. Okay, you don't need to double a circle down. Blam, blam, blam. That piss can't hurt me now, baby. All right, all right. So there's nine ghosts.

Three ghosts. Expect the first one tonight when the bell tolls in. Oh, you. No, it's you. No, it's you. It's you. It's you. It's you. It's nine ghosts. Three ghosts. Expect the first one tonight when the bell tolls you. Oh you.

No not me. I know this is so misleading. The next four ghosts. Wait if you're dead and our pissing com can't hurt you, then there's four ghosts including you. This is a riddle. I hear you. I'm taking the note and I'm moving forward.

No my note is. Three ghosts. No sorry sweetie my note is and I'm moving forward. No, my note is... Oh, no, no, no, sorry, sweetie, my note is... Mmm, I'm up here. Oh, yeah, of course, of course. Expect the first tonight when the bell tolls one. I know what you're thinking. Can they all come at once?

But it's actually only... There's only one Aaron doing the voice, so it'd be too complicated. Expect the second at the stroke of a two. When I was actually thinking, what's the difference between Chile and Stu? Because I ate squirrel one of those things tonight, and it's coming up. So I need to give people a warning when it does. You're about to get squirrel, and then that squirrel. It's either Chile or Stu. Either way, to the people in the room it might get on you Thank you for the warning the third Ghost will be here whenever the hell it wants

Oh, it's like the RCN guy like we got to sit around wait for this brother Exactly When I hope you are ready to be visited by these spirits They will help you change if you so want to Be ready when the bell tolls when When the bell tolls when I'm getting drag back to hell Hey, if you just stay here can you clean up some of the shit around? I mean it just everybody does their part in the house

She's getting dragged she saw all those demons are fucking tearing her apart talking about her looks and how dumb she is She's getting dragged. Wow. She got red She got red JP what are we gonna do we gotta we gotta get one of these ghosts? Uh, oh should we get like a weija board and trap them inside a crystal or something shoot them into the sun? Or maybe we play dead let's here. Let me get some baking powder Dump some on me dump some on you PJ PJ PJ PJ don't tell me you were listening PJ what's my number one rule if you want to run with me?

Don't listen when women talk. That's a rule that maybe has been casually implied but never something that I put down in writing. J.P. and P.J. in a days walked into their bedroom, pulled back the curtain of their four post-bed and got in. There was no mattress. That was a window! You were a window! Alright, let's get back in the house, climb back up the stairs, watch out for that, because that looks like a bed. It was a window, it's a two floor, that's a window. They finally found their bed, they pulled back the curtain.

Ah, now I did it now! Alright, sorry, I got too close to the curtain when I pulled the back let me just climb back inside the house, okay? Sorry about that pause. This time for real. PJ what happened was you pulled back the bed curtain got surprised, went backwards right out the window. We should just I keep saying we should put the bed in the bathroom because there ain't no windows in there. Let's put the bed at the bottom of the window. Oh PJ what a perfect idea. We dragged the bed outside of the house put it at the bottom

downstairs underneath the window. We climb back upstairs, we go to the curtains, we open the curtains, we jump out the window, we fall on the ground, we scoot the bed closer to the window, we overshot it! We got it this time. Finally after an hour, an hour hour of this the men climbed into their bed in the bedroom There's no mattress, but that's how they like it because they're freaks and they soon fell asleep Let me just put a feather above my mouth while I follow sleep Good fella the bell told one as it always does That's a good fella. The bell told one as it always does. Boooo.

Well, in case he actually would probably do better dub at that sound. Ignore me. A glittery glow came through the window and fell to the floor. A very pale woman with sunken eyes. Think, Aaron Keefe, but like, whatever. More of a ghost. In a white dress appeared. Hello.

Hi. Hey lady, you're up in the room. We're down here outside. Oh God. Okay. And she helps them. It's like 15 minutes of her helping them drag the mattress back up the stairs, resetting up.

She brushes off her legs and goes, okay. Somebody broke in and did that. Hello. It's probably here, ehm, okay. Somebody broke in and did that. It's probably. It's probably here, Sampire and Pizza. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Sometimes having a truck, it just feels like a lot of the helping my friends move falls on me. No, why else would you have a truck at the city

if you don't want to help your friends move? I, I go camping, it doesn't matter. Hello, I am the ghost of Christmas past. I am not sick. This is just my vibe in my face. Not sick. I'm not even a little sick. It's Christmas and I'm trying my best. Are you sure you always talk about being sick? The Lenny Duff protest too much. Skittles and riddles, I am taking you back to the past. I

Know it may be hard, but there is nothing we can change when we go back there. We are just there to observe. The ghost... I'll try anyway. No, this is gonna stop me from trying to change stuff in the past. Ah, how much is this gonna cost? The ghost grabs their hands and immediately they beam out the window and start soaring over the city. Holy shit, I'm flying! They seem to go for hours and hours, racing over tree tops violently, and I mean violently hitting every single tree. They pass.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, until they land with a thud in the daylight of a small town. Do you know where you are, riddles and skittles? Do you recognize this place? No, but if you touch both our hands, you definitely have sepsis right now. Just, just, just, just, you know you might want to get that checked out. Where are we, ghost?

They see a small schoolhouse, very sweetly decorated, filled with red-cheeked children ready for the holidays. The kids are sick too, the red cheeks. Across the street from there is a schoolhouse for raccoons. The ghost brings skittles and riddles over to that school and they stare in the window. A tiny JP riddles scribbles the words to the first ever Swan Lumps.

Swan Lumps won, a boy who had a dream. He smiled and looked over at his tiny friend PJ Skittles, who is excitedly illustrating the drawings for his friend's story. How the fuck is that kid with all those teeth? He's beautiful. That's you, Tessby. Don't you recognize yourself and the little Raku next to him is you, PJ Skittles. If I can't, I'll get all his strength. I, uh, lunge out of it like,

try to grasp his deck, but my hands just keep, huh, what's going on? Am I asleep? Am I cursed? And I'm gonna push a rock. Yeah, I can move a rock and I pick up the rock and I smash out all of his kids teeth. There you go, boss.

Ooh, shoot. Ah, you're not supposed to be able to do that. Ah, okay, that's fine. Yeah, that's probably why we'll make a huge difference. It's fine. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no make a huge difference. It's fine. No, no, no, no, no, you got NFTs. No fucking teeth. I never, I never mentioned this, but that happened to me. I was at school as a young boy and a ghost rock smashed out of a teeth. Well, now what's happened to you?

Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, they grew back. Where? The school bell rings and the boy and the raccoon rush out of the school and into the snow. Excited that they finished their first story. The kids from the other school make a semi-circle around them before they have time to notice. You wipe both freaks, JP riddles and PJ skittles. Why do you go to the Raccoon school in your person? You're so embarrassing. Both of you will always be freaks. You'll never be normal.

Please, other children, please start picking on us. I am PJ Skittles and my best friend, JP. We're just trying to learn together. That's why he's in this school house with me, is so we can learn together. And I'm off, that's out of my teeth! Oh, he just a translate to you guys. He just said a ghost just knocked out all of my teeth. That's what- I'm there, a lot. A lot of that's out of my teeth.

Well, well, well, look who's lost in translation now. They punched PJ in the face and shoved JP Riddles into a freezing cold puddle. The copy of Swanlumps that had taken them hours to write and illustrate landed in the puddle with him. The normal boys ran away laughing, leaving them broken and bloodied in the snow. Wait, normal boys? What does that make us? The ink on the Swanlumps book began to smear. The D melted into an S in the title of the book now read. Swanlimbs won, a boy who had a scream. JP Riddles, you don't have to laugh at that, at all it's not that good.

JP Riddles and Fiji Skittles screamed and horny scowled for the first time. The ghost grabbed both of their hands and they moved through time again. JP Riddles, now a young man, stares across the dance floor at a beautiful young woman. PJ Skittles circles the dance floor as well, making eyes at a fluffy white cat that belonged to the object of JP Riddles' affection. They were both dressed in red dresses and hooped skirts wearing red dress. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. Yeah, you're right. All four of them are wearing red dresses and hooped skirts. Thank you. And wearing ornate hats.

The woman had cascading brown curls in a warm face. Hat, hat, hat, hat, hat face, hat face. She had a type and her type was men who looked like goats. The woman rolls her eyes and runs across the room and throws herself into JP riddles' arms, greeting him with a kiss. The cat runs to PJ Skittles and they start having sex or whatever. Oh JP, you came. I didn't think you'd make it to my father's Christmas Eve party.

No I didn't. Oh no, I'm... Silly boy, I'm not talking about that. I mean, you arrived here. Good because this dress is a rental. J.P. you're so funny. I'm so happy you made it to my father's Christmas Eve party because you said you'd be working late. Oh, hello. P.J. as well.

Misty missed you very, very much. Ah, sorry, busy right now. Can't talk. Gotta get trash. No, no, no, that's my mistake. See, I said I was gonna be working later. I gotta go into work in about four hours. Oh, no. I thought you could maybe take off the day for Christmas, even though you don't care about Christmas and you don't like it. I'm sorry, but this is one of the best days of the year for stealing hubcaps off police cars.

Well, don't you care about me, JP I care about Christmas and you care about me. Please don't go to work. Yeah, please don't go PJ's Giggles, yeah please don't leave us. Look, your lips taste like Chexmix. What was the one thing, the very first thing that I told you when you met me? You know, we're going to show up in your terrible. Oh yeah, well yeah, the next thing. I need a doctor. You're never gonna show up and you're terrible. Oh yeah, well yeah, the next thing, I guess the next thing. I told you who I was the moment you met me.

So you can either take me for me, a person who doesn't really care about you, or you can leave me, which will also be fine with me because I don't really care about you. Well all right JP, go off to work and make your choices and may you be happy in the life that you've chosen. The ghost shows them several years passing until JP riddles walks by the party and sees his love engage to someone else. Dancing in circles, round and around the dance floor, laughing and smiling, he had missed far too many Christmas's and she couldn't wait for him any longer.

smiling. He had missed far too many Christmas's and she couldn't wait for him any longer. Misty the cat was dancing with a very handsome dog dressed in his finest suit. And I was screwed a little rock and I picked up the very first of the dog. Oh my gosh, I'm so I need... I'm gonna get fired. Please stop knocking at people's feet. I know, please don't do that. I'm sorry, I really... Oof, don't, no more. She's actually okay, that really that. I'm sorry. I really don't know more Okay, that really happened that really happened. Well now it has Ghost can I ask a question? Yes, so far we've met you. We saw We saw Coco. There's the kids. There was past us. There's all these other people. So that's like 48 ghosts

Oh, okay. Well, yeah, you're gonna be a stickler for this aren't you? ghosts. Oh okay well yeah you're gonna be a stickler for this aren't you? Hmm wait all these are ghosts? Well they're memories from the past doesn't it make you sad to see one of the biggest mistakes of your life played out again? You let your love go you lost your love both of you. Again I experienced time in a non-linear fashion so I'm always living in this moment. Well all right the ghost grabs their hand one final time and they're back. Well hold on, I mean don't take us away just on the sad part, I mean look at my big pile of hubcaps. You think I could have gotten this big pile of hubcaps from dancing at a crazy little Christmas party?

No way! It appears you've missed the point, the ghost grabs their hand one final time in their surroundings. Ah, the point! Fisherman's point, the best place to steal a hubcaps in town. Ghost, why didn't I think of that? The ghost grabs their hand one final time. Oh, I grabbed your hand. Oh my gosh, and their surroundings fade back into their bed with no mattress inside of their home. Was it real? Was it a dream? Before they could suss it out, the bell chimed, too. The walls of their bedroom began to fade and they found themselves in a lavish room with gold chandeliers holding glistening candles. Crystals dripped from the ceiling and there

was a large table covered in the fixing. Crystals are Yep, you get it. You get it. Crystal's dripping the ceiling, and there was a large table covered with the fixings of a magnificent feast. The room was warm and overwhelming, and honestly kind of tacky? Like a bit too much for sure. Sitting at the table was a man four times the size of a regular man. He wore a lavish green robe in a crown of mistletoe because he was kind of a pervert Coming and know me better man. I am the ghost of Christmas present a nice to meet your god You know god I didn't order any of this so if this is a split the check three way

Sort of thing. I would not go and boy. What if I cover it on my credit card and then you Then mom me so I get the point no no no I it plus I don't have any more anymore. I only have a cash app I'll take cash up just pay for what you eat and then I'll I've got cash Ask it's a snake that holds up a cash and I don't know what that guy is. And I have Zell. Well, we'll figure this out later for now. Let's just speak up the present, all!

Oh, um... We didn't get you anything. What do you want, God? I'm not God. I am the ghost of Christmas present and let's experience the present which is actually sort of the future in the book Which makes no sense, but I swear it's good to me good and make sense They take his hand and they walk through the streets everyone is brimming with Christmas spirit buying fruits

Hugging loved ones and holding brown packages under their arms. I'm sorry. You say we're rimming with Christmas spirit now with that No, they're brimming with Christmas spirits. They're all drunk on gin. Ah-ha! The small man with his 40 children sit huddled on the sidewalk, sharing a single apple, but with Christmas hope in their eyes. Grab the apple, then smash out some of the kids teeth.

Oh my gosh, I was warned about you when I still let you grab something. It's getting in the new one by the fire. It was warned about you when I still let you grab something As given in a one-but-a-fire It's true wherever you find love it feels like Christmas It is the season of the spirit the message if you hear it and he sings through the town He's reading the lyrics off his hand Last all year it's much a little suck. He's reading them off my hand. You heard him down. It's much a little suck. He's rid of them off my hand.

That's my hand. Oh, sorry. By the way, you have Zipsis. Oh, god. Well, they walk past JP Riddles' nephew's house. He's hosting a party and all the guests are laughing hysterically inside. Noting. Little pig fucks laughing at it.

Let's go steal the jokes. Noting Skittles and Riddles' curiosity. The ghost brings them into the party where the guests were in the middle of a rousing game of I heard. I heard that JP Riddles has that fork in his neck on purpose. I heard he's soed up his butthole so he could pee out his poop. I heard he can't wear shoes because he's got too many fingers down there. I heard J.P. Rittles has blood that is technically moonshine and the moonshine he sells is technically blood. I heard his brain is just a bag of sun chips.

I heard when he sleeps, he mouths the words to ease six heart and a blender over and over again. I heard when he sleeps, he always talks and it's always about trickle-down economics. I heard he is the Louisiana purchase. I heard there's a direct link between him and the taraductal. I heard PJ Skittles, his raccoon, lived inside JP's butthole for an entire year. He liked to rearrange his organs when he felt like he needed a refresh of the space. Yes, I heard that Raccoon's favorite letter of the alphabet is Moist panties. I heard the new Ariana Grande, pretty good, hoping to change the conversation.

Oh, do you have a copy of it? Do you have a copy of it? Do I have a copy of it? It's a song. I heard JP Riddles is really a thousand tiny JP Riddles in a normal size JP riddles suit! I heard PJ Skeetles taught JP riddles how to masturbate! I heard PJ Skeetles jumps on company when they come over! I heard JP riddles walked out of the movie for add green tomatoes! I heard PJ Skeetles hates butterflies! I heard JP riddles hates butterflies! I heard PJ Skeetles gives his improv teammates notes and crabs. Pfft!

I heard JP Riddle's brushes his teeth with piss. I heard JP Riddle's can jump up to hell. I heard JP Riddle's wet willy to priest. I heard JP Riddle's co-created jazz with Ryan Gosling. I heard JP Riddle's eats orphans hats and mittens. I heard that JP Riddles guy ain't so bad. Hehehe, JP Riddles. They can't hear you.

I- Nope. And I heard JP Riddles is the kind of guy to laugh at a funeral. Can't understand what I mean. You're soon will. Enough spirit. Why are you showing me this? Doesn't make you angry instead?

Wait, can you say that again, but say it like a British accent? And say, horny instead of angry? You're a pervert just like me! The party fades away and they're walking through a very humble corner of the town. Do you know where we are, riddles, skittles? This is the home of Rob Rackett, his wife and his children. Buh, come, mug, why have you brought me here, spirit? Buh, buttplug, this guy lives in fucking shit town.

And they are having a very humble Christmas indeed. Their Christmas tree is a single branch from a tree leaned against the wall with a broken ornament hanging from it, and their mashed potatoes are imaginary. I mean, branches are free. What are they doing? That's the one thing they didn't have to cut corners. Sorry. Sorry, I just had sorry, I had to say it.

A bright-eyed, petite peat sits at the table. His bright eyes can barely be seen over the table because he's so, so very small. He coughs and clumsily stumbles his way through Christmas carols. Here we come a wastling of the wind and me, we're saying under one and then we mean his family looks upon him beaming. He's the favorite and the other kids know it, but he's also sick so they don't say anything. Ghost, can I ask you a question? Why does the kids sing the songs when he doesn't know all the lyrics?

Like he kind of has sings? Well at least he knows the melody and that's more than some people can say. But why start the song if you don't know the lyrics? Like it just reminds me of someone like why? Why start the song if you don't know all the lyrics? It is the season and then we go in here it I'll be honest for somebody with such bright eyes. He's no counter-opers Wait now I want to try her now is like water

And the red is the dog grass, far in a pit, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me What? Want to see something really sad? This is next Christmas if you continue to be a dick! He snaps his fingers. This is the same Christmas. Oh, I didn't- okay, I'm gonna try a wave of my hand. The room faded to next year's Christmas. A tiny crutch leans against the wall. The whole family eats their turkey bone, step and cry. Oh my god, petite Pete turned into a crutch, and JP Rittles just threw him out the window. Oh, why did we not put the feet drawn that you couldn't change things? Oh, we're so fired.

It seems like we can manipulate bigger and bigger objects as we go. We're getting stronger, and we're stronger. Bob buttflank. Rob Brackett's wife stands up from the table and says, This is JP Riddles and PJ Skittles' fault. They have never been such stingy, odious, wretched, stinky, stinky, stinky creatures. They made our Christmas whatever the opposite of Mary is.

These two are pure evil and they will probably end up in chains and hell with Coco Kashmir if they don't change by the end of the episode I don't know that sounds like defamation. Get ready to lose your house motherfucker She winks at the ghost of Christmas present and he winks back No, definitely not she just Helping me with my job shut up. You're fingering her right now come in and know me Batcha man What a pick up line. That's what she said to me anyways He grabs skittles and hit riddles and they wushed through space and time again

God get it get it get it got again Skittles and riddles end up in their cold bedroom before they can suss out if that two had been a dream, the bell chimed, whatever the hell it wanted. It didn't matter what time it was, the future shows up whenever it wants. This time, it got very, very cold. Day after tomorrow, cold, holding ice cream with your bare hands cold.

Spiders began crawling down the walls. This time they weren't here for a good time. They could hear the dripping of water. It echoed like they were in a cave. A shadowy figure in a black cloak began to float toward them. Holy shit, this guy is actually scary. It's a death eater, JP, it's a death eater. He does.

That's my cloak! You get that cloak in my office. Let me see the tag office Let me see the tag Let me see the tag he didn't make a sound didn't say one word it turned into a game of hellish charades Okay, let's see here four words four words sounds like Okay, arms arms stretched out creed leech singer from creed arms arms wide open. Hey Scott step Stretched out Creed leasing her from Creed arms wide open. It's got step Strait arm's step

Flexing Across cross Christ Christ. Okay Christ Second syllable first word Sounds like okay Okay, no lump some sort of lump some sort of cancer is mole Mass a mass Christ mass That's the first word oh You switched it that's the last word

Can't say no that's not sure Okay, first word sounds like the ghost of Christmas future. So it was five. Look buddy. What's your deal? Okay, we don't got on that. Just give us the cloak back. Just give us the cloak back. Everybody leaves. You leave Lincoln, obviously, because you stole that cloak from me. We don't know Bragg, but we're kind of close to God now, so unless you want to get smited. The shadowy figure nods his head no, and the men are pushed forward into the fog. Riddles and Skittles stand hand in hand in front of two gravestones. One that read, here lies PJ Skittles. He was a very horny raccoon. Hey, you said I was the only PJ Skittles you fucking liar?

No, I said you were the only living PJ Skittles. There's been a lot of you little motherfuckers. raccoon. The Ghost of Christmas Future puts his hand over his head, he has a migraine because they're not getting that these are their grapes. The other reads, J., JP Riddles, the demon finally died. Please God, don't let him come back. Look, if Richard Nixon couldn't kill me with four sniper bullets,

I'm pretty sure nothing's gonna be able to take me out. Everything was overgrown and covered in cobwebs. No one had ever come to Lee Flowers. No one came to the funeral. Lightning strikes and reveals the sad scene in front of them. An old mother dies. That's the song I was singing earlier. Live! Yeah, but it's into falls to the floor. That's the next line of that song. And I think dolphin's cry. No, different song, different song. So are they sad or...

Board? Yeah, this sucks. Why take us to a graveyard look across the street. There's a David Busters. Oh, let's go take us over there ghost I got coupons that big game hunter Wait a second wait a second PJ. Yeah I see what's going on here All these ghosts have been pulling our puds all across town Just trying to get us to realize that if we change our quote unquote teeth, then we will get to go to like heaven or whatever and we won't end up here

in a graveyard where nobody cares about us. Yeah, we have to make changes, we have to take responsibility, I have to not kill that butterfly that was flapping his wings in the office, and therefore we change our futures for the better. So when I give Rob Ratchet a couple of extra dimes, his sick kid gets to live another day, I go back in time, I smooch the hell out of that hot lady dancing. I take care of her, her husband, whoever that guy, schmuck might be, but he didn't look too strong. I doubt his constitution could take a handshake of my sepsis.

You kiss the lady dancing, and I'm gonna kiss the lady dancing, which is Ted dancing in drag. Oh, now you're speaking my tune. Cheers. Uh huh. The raccoon and the man wake up with a start. Uh huh. It is Christmas morning and there's fresh snow on the ground.

The sun has made an appearance and it's making the entire... Yeah, I hear you're not mine. I told you you're not mine. I adopted you and then I got bored of you and I left you on a doorstep. Scram! I'm googling how to fire a friend when you're not technically his boss. Ah!

Oh, it doesn't work, I'm working. The sun has made an appearance and it is making the entire city glitter and glow. You can hear children laughing in the street. They are back in the present in their bed. They bound from their bed and fling open the window. They look down to the street below and see a boy pulling his sled. They yell down. You that boy pulling your sled, what day is it?

Why it's Christmas day? Wait, day is it why it's Christmas day Wait if anything it's Christmas morning we had a normal night wait. Yeah, what time is it? Why it's 8 a.m. And wait a.m. I'm going back to bed. What year is this what year is it? 18 I Know then there's still time Wait PJ you know what this means? No. Last night when we were getting visited by all those ghosts,

and if it truly had, and God, if it truly happened, if one of us had been smart enough to bring a little cup with him, he could have scooped all those ghosts into a cup! And JP riddles Poles his hand into frame, and you see he's got his his dirty little hand over a cup and there's three ghosts swirling around in the cup and he could have captured all those ghosts so him and his friend PJ

Skiddles can drink a big ghost smoothie this morning but the needle don't do Go smoothie! Mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm PJ Skittles by a side. May JP Riddles bless us one and all. Neptune and Mary Christmas. We hope it's cozy and the ghosts that visit you tonight Aren't that scary and may you make a smoothie of them in the morning if you can catch them in your dirty little cup. Goodbye Wait, wait, go, go, go, one last thing. What's the last thing? Aaron. Aaron Adel. What's your name? Aaron. What is it? Your name is, Adel. What's your name? Aaron. What is it? Your name's Aaron Adel. Aaron, inside the Adel, I gotta ask. Ghost, I gotta ask one last thing before you get dragged back to hell for good. What does it say on petite Pete's grave?

Does it say like, bitch or something? What does it say? Here lies a very sweet little boy that could have been saved if JP Rittles had been nice. And on the back there's a little sign that says, stop peeing here, we have security cameras. Merry Christmas! I drink the ghosts and I pee on that little boy's grave because he pissed me off one time and I'm JP riddles I live for a thousand years because I'm getting a hell! Just save me the hell! I'll go down there with a rap ratchet, I'll eat his dick off and I'll spit it into his own face

I'll kiss that woman for my dreams and I got tons of little raccoon friends And oh, guess what, all those kids that were mean to me, they all grew up to pump my gas That's right, they're all working at one gas station and they're all pumping my gas and my huge H3 hover It's got four different gas spots JP, JP, JP, huh? Can I have your tickets? You can't have your tickets? You can't have your day in bus tickets?

Yeah, absolutely. Here you go. I thought I'd find something. Have fun. Have fun. Thank you.