Hey Riddle Riddle - *UNLOCKED* Patreon Ep #155: Brians Turtles

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

Come on down to Brians Turtles and get yourself a brand new pet! There's a lot more insanity where this came from! If you want to help support the show and listen to 100 + more of these eps, you can subscribe at Patreon See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Blue Crew The doctor was the m- Sorry, all the habits? Here we go. How does a podcast evolve after you practically solve to every pussy and riddy? You really gotta expand upon your limit and brand before your show gets really shitty. You turn to face reality and pray your personalities will carry this less minute pinnith through. So here comes the content that nobody wanted.

Now it's time for Hey Riddle Riddle's Glue Crew. Okay, everybody, everybody shift meeting, shift meeting. Okay, okay. Are we in trouble? No, no, we're not in trouble. It's just a shift meeting. It's the shift meeting that we have. Every, did you do something that would, that you would be in trouble for?

I hit the fan. Oh my God, warp. You hit our fan. Yeah, I punched. He is, he is the nicest, you punched him. He is the nicest man. Yeah, well, he was oscillating between, you know, buying one pet or the other

and I just punched him right in the face. He is our biggest supporter. Warp. I knew I saw it. I believe you. That's not an issue. I know. I wouldn't think you would lie to be

about punching our biggest fan. Brian's right here right now. You have to tell me, am I fired? No. Warp. You know you're not fired. And you know, I'm going to do it again. No.

Well, that is not, first of all, that is not the kind of customer service that people expect when they come into Brian's turtles. And that is not something that I, Brian's turtles, expect of my employees. Wow. I can't believe you're talking about customer's cervix. That is personal information. Well, again, again, we've had this meeting before. We don't talk about customer cervix. That's, I'm sorry, I apologize as the, as the sole owner of a cervix in this meeting, I apologize. You own it's sole?

No, hold on. Good meeting everybody, back to work. Back to work. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, leave. No, the meeting's not over. I just want to, it feels over. You just said leave. I mean, I said, warp, come on, you're being a sequoze here.

I said leave. Hold on, hold on. Obsequious. How do you spell that? I'm not gonna spell obsequious. He can't spell it, it's true. Okay, you spell it. A tropical fruit that grows only in Canada?

Well, you've spelled it wrong. That's nothing. I don't know what you've looked up. Listen, today I just wanted to have a quick shift meeting to let everyone know. I'm super proud of y'all. You've been doing such a good job. We have been aside from assaulting one of our biggest fans, which is kind of a, kind of a black eye on business.

No shift. It's a fan, baby. No, we have been doing such a good job No, we have been doing such a good job and you have been doing such a good job and I just wanted to say thank you. That's what this whole shift meeting was about. What? Can we get a raise?

Yes. Oh, how much? We're out of it. What? I was thinking about this because we've been doing well and I thought it would be fair to say everybody gets a $2 an hour race. Fuck yes.

All right, can we take more stuff home? Okay, so, Leaf, I did want to talk about that. I thought you said that meeting was just about how good we were. It was, which is why I wanted to give you the raise, but also, I do want to stay. We got to stop punching people. We have to stop talking about services to customers, and we have to stop taking the merchandise home unless we pay for it.

Because again, I mean, that just cuts against our profits, and our profits is what everybody gets paid for. Patreons, why can't I take an animal home when it asks me to take it home? Okay. Yeah, those pairs are literally begging to be taken home. Also, I'm not gonna apologize. When I take home 50 to 80 clear baby hamsters,

I'm not gonna apologize, because the mom was gonna eat those things. So what I do is I take them home. They're nice and clear. They're like almost like gummy bears. Put them in a salad, put them in a little salt and pepper, toss them delicious. Okay. They don't like that. As you know, I can talk to animals.

And I know none of you jerks believe me, but they speak to me through their eyes. And they tell me they don't want to be splashed with vinegar. Leaf, leaf, it is not that we don't believe that you can talk to animals. It is just, it feels convenient that the only thing that the animals can say to you is let me out of the cage. I want to be free. They want the fuck out of here. Everybody does, but they're pets, and we're a pet store. Okay, we're Brian's turtles, and we sell pets, and that's what we do.

And you guys are so good at it. I don't want to diminish from that. I can read minds, and that's how I know, Brian's. Brian's that's how I know that you wish your your heart's desire is that you didn't live next to your ex-girlfriend. You wish your ex-girlfriend wasn't your neighbor. Wow. First of all, not my neighbor. She used my lay-in-lord. Okay. It is different. It is a different relationship. Oh, it's worse. Well, I mean, it has to fix your shitter. It's how often do you think I break it?

Oh, twice a day. I mean, twice a year, twice a year maybe, but that's more about the quality of the toilet and the ripet. It's not important. Look, what Cassandra does is her own business.

Yes, it's awkward, but you know what? It's like the old average says, you date your landlord. You look forward to having your ex-fix, your shitter. Was that supposed to be rhyming? Good meeting. Did it not run? Hold on, Leif, I have a question for you.

You said you can speak to animals or animals speak to you. What is my sugar glider thinking right now? Um, but it's also sweet. Wow, checks out. How would your sugar glider thinking and you're not gonna believe this? I want to get the fuck out of here. All right, this was a good meeting.

Let's find some really nice pets, some really good homes. I believe in you guys. Okay, Brian. Thank you, Brian. We believe in you. Man's hand across. That. We believe in you man Santa Claus

Excuse me. Oh, sorry can someone hello. Hello. Yeah, sorry. Can you oh? Hello, my name is mr. McNamara may I inquire to your moniker? Leaf no last name Oh, okay, leaf I am buying a surprise leaf's name tag name tag is just a like crude like children's drawing of a leaf. It's not like it's just as hello I'm and then there's just a drawing of a leaf. Yeah, originally it was just a leaf pinned to her shirt, but that was too confusing for people and it kept dying. So she had to upgrade to the child's drawings. Just to sit a crazy throughout the day. Yeah. It was pretty tough. I'm on a mission to buy my daughter a surprise pet

for her birthday. She is turning 14. And I was hoping you could walk me through the process, maybe give me a few options. You're not close with your daughter anymore. Huh. You're trying to get her a pet to win her back. You don't know how to connect her. You don't know how to get to her.

Could you tell? You don't know how to talk to her. Is it because my new girlfriend's in a convertible out front? Is that how you get to her? She's just laying on the horn, screaming for you to go faster. It's pretty obvious. Bridget, don't be right out. Sorry about that.

That's her daddy faster. We're parked. Honey, we're parked. No, the interaction, the social social interaction make it go faster daddy I Hate how her voice can cut through glass You know what I would have been able to know that even if I didn't see how obvious This was because I can read mine. Let me guess you want a

Fish Oh, I don't care. It's whatever you think she might want that's what it is. You don't care. Oh, I don't care. It's whatever you think she might want. That's what it is. You don't care. Oh, um, I mean I care, but I just want to know my options. I came to you. I thought you were maybe an expert. Yeah, maybe your daughter would care if you cared. We're just always worried about going faster. Why don't you slow down? Okay, okay. I have a skunk that I think you'd be very interested in right this way. I thought you said fish.

Well, the fish is named skunk. Keep up. Oh, okay, sorry, sorry. Oh, yeah, right behind you, right behind you. Okay, oh, oh, oh, so this is. Faster, daddy, faster. Oh, please don't say that. I hear that all day. All day and night. So, okay, so, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that, ma'am. Wow. Hmm, Brian's. Hey, I basically overheard all of that.

Brian's welcome to the store. Thank you so much. Leif, I think this gentleman maybe actually does want to buy the fish. Oh, okay. Well, Brian's is a linger. He's sort of is just like kind of spookily fan to me up and down the aisles of the store. He's just like you're trying the corner and he's there. It's so scary.

Oh, wow. Small store on the store. Yeah, I like to like our dog over several transels. That's okay. That's okay. We will pick them all up. That's the Brian's turn. I'll guarantee we will pick them all up.

Brian's unforged. This fish does not like this man, so I cannot allow it. Okay, uh, Leaf, why don't you go see to the stock room? Because I believe we got some new, we have a new shipment of gerbils in and I need to know what they know. Okay. Thank you so much, Leaf. And I'm sorry, you said, oh, go ahead, please.

No, I'm just saying, but if they tell me anything to personal, I'm not passing that along to you. That's fine. Uh, Leaf is also our animal HR. Oh, very nice. And I'm sorry, you are Brian's, is that correct? My name is Brian's turtles. Welcome. This is my store. I own the store. Oh, perfect. You know, coming, uh, coming in here and thinking about it and seeing my other options like this sadfish here, I think I actually would like a turtle. Okay, did you read the sign when you came in? Yeah, it's Brian's turtles.

Not the big side with my name on it, which is the name of the store. Oh? The smaller side that Granted could be a lot bigger. Please probably don't smoke. Again, that was just more like a me thing because I can't commit to telling someone not to smoke because my ex was a smoker and she would, she would raise all hell if I would tell her to do so.

Gotcha. Sorry, there's just a lot of science. There's a lot of science. Ask, if you have to ask, you shouldn't wear a mask. I think the thing is I have a lot of ideas and I'm a little bit of a scatterbrain I guess, but no, the sign that I'm referring to is the sign. The only person who can own a dog is a guy with a big fucking hog. Okay, so maybe you were reading the bumper stickers that we sell as well.

And by the way, there's a three for five, so please do pick some of those up. I'll take five. Okay, which is like the name four more that you would like. Okay, let's see my options here. They got to be all different. You can't get the deal. Sure. Okay. So I will take the one about having a fat hog. Okay. How about you'd be a total prick if you didn't own a tick? I'm just just for clarification. Yes, you can get that one. Which one about the fat hog? Because we have several. Okay, what was the one that I liked? Okay, oh, you can only get a dog

if you're a guy with a big old hog. That one as well, okay. Okay. What else? You'd be remiss if you didn't drink the piss. I don't understand that one, but I feel like my girlfriend might find that funny. The thing about that one is that we have a lot

of local bands that also come in the basket. They can sell their rubber sticker. about that one is that we have a lot of local bands that also come in, they can sell their bumper stickers. So that one is for a local band called Pissmouth and they're wonderful. Oh, what are some of their songs? List three. Oh, great. I mean, that's easy to do.

There's this piss, this piss, unpissable. They're a cover band, by the way. And they only cover famous songs. There's a couple of, by the way. And they only cover, they only cover famous songs. There's a couple of life into pisses. And then there's, hey, that your piss star, easy. Okay, and I've picked out my other bumper stickers. Sure. If you wanna be a good dad, buy one of these crab.

That's a misbr- If you wanna be a good dad, my one of these crad. I was supposed to say crab. Okay, you know what, I'm gonna forego the bumper stickers. The sign I was referring to is the sign very clearly post on the door, it says we do not sell turtles. It's the one thing that my dad and my grandfather

never wanted to sell in this store. We're not a turtle store. Oh, well, then I'll play by the rules, I would like to rent a turtle. The sign is very clear, it's Brian's turtles because my name is Brian's turtles. There's no apostrophe on the sign. It is not a turtle store. We are at pet store. Turtles is your last name. Turtles is my last name. Turtles is not my game. Now, I know why you're confused. It's because up here at the front of the store, what do we have? Turtle cages and turtle

food. Yes. This is a shipping mistake. And I think almost signed in the turtle. By my supply, yes. Yes, of course. Our mascot is Turtle Lee the Turtle. Which he has a sign on a show that says, you can buy me here.

Again, you could buy plushies of Turtle Lee the Turtle. That should, that has to be clear from the shelf. But we don't sell turtles. I think our supplier is pranking us because we always get shipments of turtle Okay, maybe they don't understand and it's hard to talk to them You call that number and you get nothing you just get like a dial tone. It's it's it's a whole system It doesn't have to do with the salmonella risk Huh You saying salmonella makes me think that maybe you are a pet store inspector.

You're not a pet store inspector, are you? Uh, where are we? What do you do, sir? What's your trade? I am a father of, uh, what did I say, 12? 12 year old, a daughter. 14 year old daughter? I got a shotgun loaded up with buckshot right under the counter,

and I tell you this, you got about five seconds to get your ass out of my store You bet store inspector or you're gonna get your butt filled with bird blade. Okay. Uh, can I it's too late to buy the bumpers? I know it all leave. I'm here to make a return. Oh I can help you. My name is Warp. What's your name? My name is Warp. What's your name? My name is Maramba. Maramba. Oh, it's kind of like... Like Miranda. It's kind of like...

Maramba and Miranda had a baby. No. Well, okay nevermind. What would you like to return, Maramba? Well, I bought one of your animals and I would like to return it. Okay. I see you have you're holding a wet sack. Yeah. Wet brown paper sack. What animal did... why don't you put that on the counter here? Why don't you open it up and dump out the contents and we'll see what we're working with. Well okay, yeah. Okay.

Huh. That's a scorpion? Got my money back. Okay, well, let's... I have to ask you a few questions here. Let me grab the survey. All right. Was the scorpion dead when you bought it? Who's to say? Oh, these are yes or no questions.

Sorry. The survey has a yes or no box. It's gonna do what it's gonna do. Okay, I just... When you bought it, was it moving? We'll start there. And that's what's interesting. Okay, let me add a third box here, and that's what's interesting, and I'll take that. All right, did you drop or crush this pet on the process on the way home. Wow, yeah, that's mm-hmm. Okay, so yes or no?

Well, that is what, that is happy. That is how the cookie crumbles. Okay, I had a third box here cookie crumble. I'll remember what the full sentence was later, tick that. All right, did you, what's the third question here? Did you remember to feed and provide water for this animal? Say what now?

Did you, oh, I just much think here, did you provide food and water for this animal? And what if you fed another animal to this animal? And it might have been too much for that animal to eat. Why? OK, I'm now saying that this scorpion has another full scorpion sticking out of its mouth. It looks like an animal here to return to that scorpion. Oh, are you two related? No, we're enemies.

Okay, was this sort of... actually, this is question number four. Was your pet involved in some sort of underground scorpion ring fight match? And what do you mean underground? We don't know. What is that? Well underground in this sense would mean it's not publicized. It's in secrets in secrecy Your honor Yeah, you don't have to call me your honor. Sorry. That's my bad my bad Secret secrets on no fun secrets.

Oh, sorry. Okay, let me add a third box here. All right, and question number five, oh, this is so. I would like my money back in 10s and quarters. We'll slow down here, we're almost done. We're on the last question. And this actually seems fairly,

and I would like my money back in 20s and times. Oh, well, let's take a look here. This seems to be a pertinent question. How are you two enemies? Well, Roomba and I got into a fight in an under, you know, what doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Honestly, it's water under the bridge. It's actually a second bridge under the bridge. It's a scorpion inside a scorpion, if you will. Hmm.

Okay. Yeah. Are you familiar with Oraboros? Yeah, the snake that sucks its undick. I'm familiar with the Oraboros. Yeah, it's the lights that you see when a snake sucks its undick. That's what I named the scorpion before I died in an underground scorpion fight. I mean the scorpion before died in an underground scorpion fight. I mean. Okay, well, here's what I'll say. We, we try and sus out what weren't wrong.

If we're not able to do so, we do err on the side of refund. So let's, let me just rip up this survey. Let's pretend you didn't tell me any information. And let me just, we'll just, you know what? Guys, we'll just default to refund. So, Scorpions are $20.10 per Scorsion. The mind should be $200. Oh, I should be $400. Oh, because it, did you buy it on a reverse sale day? No, I bought it for $20, but due to circumstances, I won't get it too.

It was worth a lot more when it died because of how many prizes it had won through a set of circumstances that are not important. Also, you can't tell because it's inside the other scorpion, but it did have gold teeth. And it depends that you some of the winnings to buy the whole set of gold teeth on that scorpion.

I mean, I do see that it's pincers are wrapped in barbed wire So um, you know what yeah, I want store credit instead I even better. I should have fled with that. Yeah, you do store credit for Arby's There's a roast beef sandwich restaurant. I love Arby's Well, I love Arby's okay Room burn, I love Arby's. Okay, listen, it seems like the two of you can keep a secret. Is that true? No.

Okay, so we actually are in cahoots with Arby's. Any of our pets that die in store, we actually send over to them and they give us credit. So we actually can give you Arby's gift card. Oh! Two out $200 for you and me. I would just like a scotter on the the score being please. Perfect. So you're sure. Bad.

And man, man, I'm going to hand you the tongs and you can pick out your own. Thank you. We're talking to me. We're both women. Oh, um, I'm grabbing the tongs. There you go. Thank you. Oh, it ran up the tongs and stung you. Yeah, I don't get it. He got a killer's heart. It's good.

Gonna win me a lot of money. Can I ask you a question? Uh, what were you saying? What was your name? Uh, Warp's bad. Yep. What beats a scorpion? I'd like to buy one of those.

You know what I'm saying? What beats a scorpion? Yes, yes, one of those. You know what I'm saying? What beats a scorpion? Yes, yes, yes. I'm just flinkin' but imagine I was winking. I mean, most lizards can withstand the poison. There's also a creature called a vinaigarune, which is a very aggressive, almost like a big beetle. Okay, I'll have a big box of most lizards

and right now, I'm gonna put a couple of those vinaigaroons because those are delightful. Okay, we also sell macar box of most lizards and wrap me up a couple of those bitter gurus because those are delightful Okay, we also sell macarons not to be confused what they be the scorpion They would subdue it Scorpion eat cats, right? I'll take a couple cats to go Scorpions eat cats. I don't know if I can I don't know if I'll allow morally myself to say that that's true. Well, can you do... can you imagine it? Can you dream it? Let me true it your heart. If I close my eyes, do you promise not to steal anything? No. Okay, let me close my eyes. Hey, grab a scorpion, grab a scorpion, and the cat's eating his tail.

And I'm out of here. She's... don't think it's mouth opens wide. I'm gonna do everything I can fit in my hands and arms, and I'm outta here. Okay, I'm gonna open my eyes and five, four, three, two, fun, and they're gone. You'd warp, you did it again. Hi, excuse me. My daughter, oh God. My daughter's hamster died. Well, she was at school. It was my far. I was my fault

I farted and it scared the hamster to head hard to check. Um, oh, that's my fart. Oh shit. It's my fault It's my fart and my fault. Um, well, sorry about the teens those teens are here for a community outreach She's gonna be home from school and like like 15 minutes and I need to replace it before This is what it looks like. This is what the hamster looks like this. Oh, this is a dead hamster It's a heart attack from my fart That's okay. This is hey, man my name's Brian's turtles. I run this store. This is something that I train for This is something that I prepare for so We do not have a hamster, this specific pattern.

Oh, God no. That is okay, that is okay, that is okay. Oh, God no. We can buy you time. We can buy you time. I need to leave, I'm leaving my family. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, It doesn't matter. It does. I'll give you a name. Let's call you Chelsea. Oh shit. Can that woman not remember her name? Who farted? My daughter's gonna freak out. She loves this hamster. Chelsea. Chelsea. It's okay. Here's what we do. Here's what we do. We go get a hamster. Any hamster in the store,

we spill a little paint on it. Okay. You were painting your daughter's room. We spilled some paint on this hamster. That's why that that's why the hamster maybe looks a little different. I'm trying to paint your room. I don't know. Oh god. It little different. I'm tied to painter room. I don't know. Oh god. It's okay. I will come home with you and paint the room. No, my, I have two strikes with my husband.

You cannot come over. I have two strikes. I can't. I get a strike three. Look at my wrists. Look at that's called a turkey. Look at my wrists. Look at my legs.

Another man has never been threatened by me. I'm Brian's turtles. I have a painter's outfit because I was actually planning on painting, I don't wanna get into it. I was painting my landlord's apartment this weekend. She has nothing on me. It's just more like this emotional obligation

that it doesn't matter. I can do it. You know what they say? I'll never landlords or never fall in the landlords of it. You know what they say? Never landlords are never falling. Landlord, whatever, whatever. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

I wrote everything else down, but not that one. Oh my god. Okay. Do you know that it's actually a common thing that people fart and kill their hamsters? That happens like every day. Oh, shit. And you know what's even crazier? I actually, this is a sign.

I'm going to leave my family. I was thinking about it anyway. Where are you? I'm not a great mom. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, if you're starting another life, have you ever considered working on a local pet store? Are you offering me a job?

It starts at $17 an hour. Now, I know the hours aren't great, but the pay's not that that that is a local business. I am offering you a job. I don't think I can take it. Chelsea, why not? Because I'm just going to fart and kill another hamster because that's what I do. Did you get it?

Upload it to tip top. What's tip top? Oh god, something else. I don't know. No, it's like it's ticked talk, but for making fun of drunk people. Oh no I'm probably all over it. Oh mate are you are you drunk is that is that the problem? Of course oh my god my audio levels are spiking. Oh god it's unlistenable. Chelsea. Chelsea don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. Who's Casey? I don't remember.

What's Casey's ass? Troy, come on, why, why, you don't know who it is. Psst, hey, hey, pity pat, pity pat. Over here, it's me, Cashew, pity pat, hey, psst, hey, psst. What are you doing? They're gonna know, eh? Hey, tonight, we break free. Come on, tonight, we use our claws to pick the lock and get out of here. They're gonna know hey tonight. We break free come on tonight

We use our claws to pick the lock and get out of here You say that every night cash you and then when it comes time and Brian's turtles comes around and kisses us all in the forehead You say maybe we stay one more day. He kisses you on the forehead lucky wait He doesn't kiss you. I thought he did that all of the animals Straight on the mouth What he the animals Straight on the mouth What he's what straight on the mouth? Did you push your mouth up sure? Come on you're you're going for the mouth. Okay, he's going for the forehead. Okay fine. Die dusty dusty

Tonight we break out what do you say? I don't know this place in that as bad as you guys say I Get fed once a week and um that's so bad. What would I do out in the world anyway? I got this crutch Ah pity pad. I forgot that dusty came to us from Revlon Look Dessie has had a long road of the dess's here now with us though. But don't I look beautiful? Ha ha ha. Dessie's the most... Well you got that extra ear grown on your back, but... And they lipstick in that mascara.

Animal tested. Yeah, why Revlon grew ears on Dessie doesn't really make sense. They know it's not like they do a lot of ear cuss headaches at Revlon. Just way faint so bad. Okay fine, okay fine. Well I'm getting out tonight, okay? Sure, I gotta warn you once I get out, I'm not coming back here for you too. You're a big dreamer and I respect it, but I think I'm gonna stay right here.

Okay Dusty, but your shaking's getting pretty bad. Exactly! What would I do out there in the world? I'd be swept away by the rain. Let me ask you this, Cashew. You're gonna leave. You're just gonna up and leave before we get leave back together with her ex? Yeah, listen, at first I was very invested in this plot. Okay, at first I was like, wouldn't it be wonderful? Isn't gonna be magical that animals brought two humans back together?

They don't even know it. Well, I mean, Leaf would know it because she can read our minds, but I just don't have time for it. They're both, they're just not right for each other. We're so close. They're not right for each other. I know, I know. You have feelings for a human. You caught the feelings. Whoa, cash you like, Sleash, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you And yeah, if it put up further distance between the two, but it just a little bonus. Wow, Cashew, look at you! Cashew.

I don't know. She's a human. I think it's gonna work. I know it's gonna work. Let me, right now I'm gonna send her thoughts. I love you. I love you, Leif. I love you. You're saying now I'm gonna send her thoughts. I love you. I love you, life. I love you.

You're saying that I'm loud. We're getting those thoughts. Well she can talk to us and she can also read our minds. But sometimes it's a little wonky so I thought to do both. Yeah okay I mean you're coming your bases. I love you. I never know love. We don't really have time to get into that. No one here is about Dusty's love list life. Dusty, it's just you. You got a lot of problems. I'm wearing a rouge on my cheeks. I'm proud to define.

I feel like a lot of times like cash you will present the thing and then like you'll really like try to hard pivot into your thing Yeah, we want to do your thing, but like cash you was already asked to do Look at me. I'm a freak. I got the lips of a human woman. They're the size of a human woman and they come in and red lipstick and Brian's kiss is me? Sometimes I feel like, sometimes I feel like Dusty's not even listening. Like I just said you're trying to make it about you and Dusty brought up another thing about. I know what I'm saying, how am I supposed to not make it about me? Okay, okay, okay.

Yes, it's in love with the human and I'm all of a sudden. Shh, don't say that. She made a word. Wait, what. We what what am I hearing? Meal Meow Why are you in particular to be a cat you want a mouse? She knows you're not a cat What are we she knows oh no, maybe this mouse is sick

Masley are you sick? Okay, we're gonna put you down, bud. Oh, shit! Sex! Catch you! Not death, sex! I can't make it out. You're either saying death or sex.

And not death, sex! Not death, sex! Not death, sex! Not death, sex! To me, that would be weird. This is how cashew goes. I never thought I'd see the day. Kiss on the lips. Kiss on the lips.

He's gonna get flushed out the old fish toilet. Did I ever tell you the story of this? Uh, Dusty's now not the time I'm gonna die. No, you know what? No, it's the time. Dusty, do you know why? Do you know why no one wants to be with you? Because you always talk about how sad and misfortune you are? That's why Oh

Okay, there's nothing around here. Oh here we go fish tank. Oh Hey No fish tank, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wild bear and you were never given a name. Uh, okay, um, can I be honest with you, bear? What? Uh, you're not the first bear that's coming here. And, uh, I just have to ask, does my store have a reputation for being kind of like a pushover store where you could come in and eat fish? Do the bears talk, is that what's happening?

Can I be honest? I'd love for you to be. I have some fucking lovely. Dang! Every bear I know has come from the forest into the city because they know they can walk in on two legs, reach into your fish tanks, eat their fill and walk out with almost no questions asked. Hey! I remember one more. Oh! This is my friend Bear. Hi, I'm Bear. Hi, I'm Brian's Turtles.

Yeah, we know it's easy to place deep fish right from the tank. Can I be honest with you? Can I be honest with you both? Sure. This is a short, like a new thing, right? Because when my daddy and my granddaddy were running this store, I felt like it was different. Yeah, I respected them. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. My grandpa's head is hanging above your grandpa's fireplace. And I respected. I respect that. Also, they're wrists and ankles. I was like,

I'm not missing what these guys. What did they do? Because we have this internet existentably. And I, I kid you not, I work 30 minutes a day, just art wrists and ankles. Honestly, yeah, I think it's just the wrist and ankles. I think it's just the wrist and ankles. But I'm trying, like I, it's like I can't build muscle mass in the wrist and ankles like they could. Uh, uh, yeah, okay.

What do you do, God, you have great look at wrists and ankles. Oh, a lot of running and climbing. That's him running. Having fish from fish. Grabbing fish. I'm not doing none of that. What else? Drinking off. Drinking off. I don't really do that because I don't like a mess. What? I don't like a mess.

You don't like to masturbate? I didn't say that. I said I don't do it because I don't like a mess. I love to mess. Can I tell you? You have someone to do for you? No, I don't. That's a hair job. Oh no, that's a hair job, that's a hair job. Well, I'm not saying I have some of a master, baby.

I just don't, it doesn't happen often to me because I don't like a mess. Oh no, we get it. Bear, are you telling me that what tell me else does it, it's still my observation? We're at an embassier because we both have questions we need answers. Why is it such a mess for you?

It should not be like a 10 out of 10 mess. You're doing it wrong if it is. I think it's because I have weak wrist and ankles So I just cannot control where anything goes is the mess the volume or where it lands. I want to say yes to both of those Okay, listen, I'm a bit of an expert. Some bears hibernate, I masturbate for six months a year. And what I do is I tend to have some sort of... Oh, that's probably why you're drinking so much water. You know, if I kill a human, I might take off their socks and I'll use that socks

for a few months and then discard it and then use something else. Do you have, I mean, maybe you should aim better or maybe you should do it in a place where it's easily cleaned up? Here's my problem. My living situation is a little influx. And I do think that my landlord is taking all of my cloths and things.

No. No. No. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if I'm being honest, X fiance. oh, make all bears laugh, all bears laugh No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, masturbating is if it's not it's a hand job if they're paying attention location location location.

There's when the person it's a hand job if they're paying attention. It's master you're they're masturbating you for you if they're on their phone rolling their career. Let me ask you both both a question. I mean you come in here eat the fish. I don't really ever say anything about it. What would you say? Would you two be interested in maybe like a mutual, like a tip for tat thing? That's a mission. Come in and, no, I'm not talking about jerkin' off

a couple bears. Well, I let you guys come in and then maybe you help me get out of like a very punishing least. Oh, you wanna do an experiment? Oh, so you want to hire us as muscle? I just wanna do this. In front of you. You are big.

You are big. You are bears, you are scary. You are big. You are bears. You are scary. I'm in a 40 year lease and it is an appreciating lease. So there is a scheduled rate increase every three months. Uh-huh. What? You can do that with a rental?

Wait, let me. I think I got a really bad deal, but I signed it. Is the thing. Okay, hold on. Let me, sorry, got a lot of information at once. Let me crunch the numbers. Okay. Okay. Carry the one. Crunch one crunch crunch crunch and okay. I don't understand math There's a bear doing math out here. I can hear it. Oh

There is I was right as you were That's the least she's one of our best Hold on That's the least she's one of our best. Uh, uh, hold on. Let's say me and my friend bear, we intimidate for you. What we get out of it. We already take the fish we want, so don't even try to give us that. How are you going to sweeten the deal? Why did I get you better fish?

I mean, these are pet store fish. These are small fish. Hold on. Are you just going to give us Papa John's better ingredients, better fish? Look, I know for a fact bears eat Papa John's. I've had so many Papa John's pizza stolen for my stoop. I know that y'all eat it. Oh, don't tell me. Don't tell me that you won't. Wait, there's a Papa John's. When you're high. When there's a Papa John's cooling on a windowsill, of course, I might know you'll eat that and eat it. Okay, well, then I think that we can be in business. If you're going to accept the Papa John's cooling on a window sill. Of course, everyone are yawning that and eat it. Okay. Well, then I think that we can be in business.

If you're going to accept the Papa John's, I think we can do business together. Bear, what do you think? Good. I would like a Scorpio for not an underground Scorpio fighting ring that I go to. Yeah. We'll take Scorpios. Also, I just remember rumor, Papa John on a racist. It's not a rumor.

He's, that's, that's proven fact and he's not the only one. Oh, yeah, apparently more because then we're not supporting him. Well, I mean, he doesn't, I don't think he has anything to do with it. I think he was pushed out of the company at this point. Okay, okay. Okay, so one Papa John and 100 Scorpio. And you masturbate us. And you masturbate us.

You can, so you can be on your phone. Yeah, of course Leaf leaf. Yeah, I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving Leaf I want you back Didn't me fall on your head scare you away That me for about for about a week. Yes, okay, but then I looked at myself in the mirror and I said Jeremy You're better than this and you're not gonna let the best thing that ever happened to you leave your life Because a meatball fell on your head

Your hot and your cold your yes and your no Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me leave come on Well, I mean give us, give us another chance. I'll be honest, your power scared me away at first and I didn't understand it. Oh, wow, another guy who's scared of how powerful I am, how original in the army. The army. I'm entitled to my own experience. Near me.

Okay. Hey, please. What? I'm trying to my own experience. Near me. Okay, hey, please. What? I'm trying to get back with you. Okay, so please don't call me near me. I mean. I'm telling you your name. It's not my name.

Propose, dude. Propose. Okay, Troy. Troy's my best friend. He's got my back here. Why are you best friend with a high schooler? I'm recording this for tiptoe. Oh, not drunk. No one's drunk. It can't be a tiptoe. Okay. Troy's drunk.

He's a little drunk. He's an older high schooler. Listen. He, Troy's right. No, you listen, because I have something to say. Leaf, from the moment you blew into my life, I said, you mean the top we met because I fell out of a tree and landed on you but continue. I have a whole thing going. Okay, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I said, whatever she's not with me, I'm going to pine for this woman. And I'm going out on a limb and asking you if you will make me the happiest man. Hold on, three put one more tree putt seal the deep trunk. Oh, I would trunk work. Bark trunk. I'm asking if you would bark on my trunk. And I mean, as as Jeremy kneels down, he kneels right down into a case of, uh, poisonous snakes. Oh!

Ah! Ah! Jeremy, so you're not even focusing on the proposal, like, pay attention. Ow, I'm getting it. Stop being bitten by poison, it's snakes, please. It's also never gonna work because you're gonna suck the poison out. You have to suck the poison out, please. What?

I just said, please. I just said, please. I just said, please. That doesn't sound like me, Derri me. Will you please suck the poison up? Derri me. Let's see if we have a anecdote in the back because I'm not touching your knees with my mouth. Holy crap. Holy crap. Hold on. Okay. I'll suck the poison out. We cannot let another young man die at Brian's turtles, especially during business hours. Brian's people.

This is why people don't respect you, Brian's. Why? Hey, it's warp here. I heard somebody needs an anecdote. OK, so five years ago, I was in a cabin that I rented. And some friends and I were playing a warface dead. We're playing this game, huh? Derri-me!

Derri-me! No! I should have called my anecdote faster. Derri-me, wake up! Well, well crumbs. Uh, pitypad, pitypad. We did it! We did it!

We killed him! Yeah, this reminds me of the time of the thing that happened to me, one. Just that it's not about you. Do not make this about you. Jeremy is dead. I've had a family member who died in a dream once, so it does feel a lot like a Nigerian dying. Justi, you are a hot mess.

Hold on, I actually want to hear this story. You have to find the right to die in a dream. They just died in my dream and I woke up and they were alive. Oh, that's not a story. It is a story, technically. I told it. Ah, leave, leave, can you please shut those mice up. We have, we did body here.

All right, I'll kill her. I guess go, no, don't kill the mice. Suffocate, suffocate over by one? What did we say? What did we say yesterday? Multiple escalating murders is not the way out of every situation What? Please probably don't please probably don't do it

Don't be multiple escalating murders Warp would you please go lock the front door so we don't get any customers coming in Oi Hey, what's up, Ron? How's it going? Brav? I'm hanging bruv Oi, hey, what's up, Braun, how's it going? Brav? How's it hanging, Brav? Hello, um... It's me, Turquoise from the band Pissmouth. Hey Turquoise, uh, we, no, no bumper sicker sold yet. We almost had more, we had a hot one today, but uh...

Oh, you couldn't close the deal, mate. I, you know what? It was, it was another one of those, it was another one of those pet store inspectors and, uh, so... Oh. Fuck. Sorry, sorry Turquoise. Well, you know what? It was another one of those. It was another one of those pet store inspectors. And so, Falk. Sorry. Sorry, turquoise. Well, you know what?

Why don't you do that? Why don't you take whatever mouse you want? Take any one of these. Oh, shantay. My name's leaf. It's nice to meet you. Oh, my name's not shantante. It's gory, it's not.

How do I make your acquaintance? How do I meet you? My name is Sean Tontay, faster daddy, faster. Oh, who's that girl in the cool vent outside? I'm all that. Did that pet store expect your leave for her in the parking lot? Oh my, Fancy is spin with that call. And what about a girl who's a vegan who can talk to animals and her mind?

I'm good. What? Jeremy wake up! Jeremy, I need you! who can talk to animals and her mind. I'm good. What? Jeremy wake up! Jeremy, I need you! All right, I'm gonna take this mouse here. This one with the human lips in the ear on the back. Thank God!

I'm planting a family. I'm going to be long. So, he's flying through the air. And so, motion his eyes are glowing. I'm leaving behind these nerds and losers. I'll never wear me a glove again. I'll never feel fear. God, that is one noisy mouse.

I'm glad to be rid of a mouse like that. Yeah, well, squeak too much. I'm actually going gonna put it back. And let me grab this one here. It's not sure what the name is here. Cash, cash, cash. This reminds me of the time, cash, she that I was almost adopted. This actually reminds me of a time. I hate that I'm stuck here with you. I didn't agree with all the cash she was, you know, trying to do the human did everything,

but truly this is my hell. I am now in hell. I went to hell once in a dream. No, you didn't go to hell. You didn't go. I know you did it. So I'm gonna take this mouse and what I'm gonna do is much like I was the old one.

I'm gonna bar it's head off. And I'm gonna live a song. Just do it in the parking lot or not in the storage. Please, no no, not, not, yeah, I'm gonna do it on stage, doing a gig, doing a cut my life into pieces. Wait, wait, don't take that mouse. Who's there? A reason? Yeah, he, I've been ignoring him, but he's in love with me.

And I just don't think it's right to let you kill him. I think you should take the mouse in the middle. His name's Petty Pat. Uh, I mean, makes no difference to me as long as it's head will come off. I mean, the one was just too noisy. So I guess it does make a difference. But yeah, yeah, Petty Pat's head will come off. And I will take Pity Pat.

Oh, sweet mercy. I am free. Good luck, Cashew. I wish you all the best. Cashew, Pity Pat and I actually got really close when you were out of the tank, Paige. I don't believe it. It was true, it's so true.

Pity Pat, you're still in proximity, was that true? I'm gonna die. I don't care. Your squabbles are not my squabbles anymore. I, I tried to do one nice thing. I tried to get Jeremy back together with Leaf. Um, excuse me. Um, I just came home and my mother was gone. And my hamster was dead and I was smell. I don't know. That hamster smells like shit. Oh I think it died with a fart. I do it. And I was just wondering if you could, I don't know help me find

my mom or replace this hamster for me. I'm very sad. Little girl, my name's Brian's turtles. This is my pet store and I will be honest with you. Your mother is your mother is gone. She farted. She killed a hamster and she went. She's now she's now in many ways in the wind and two ways really. In a in a fart way and she left your family way. I'll tell you what I'm gonna be. We really recovered from that last tree one huh. I'll tell you what I'm gonna be really recovered from that last tree one, huh? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do I'm gonna give you a job working here at this pet store too little to have a job Can I have a turtle? I've always wanted a turtle. What get the fuck out?

Why are you only read the fucking sign? No, why do I say that? Not the big neon sign. I have a turtle on it. She's outside the glass. She's pointing to the turtle on the sign. I get it as a turtle on it. It's the mascot for the store. Fuck.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. If it isn't my arch, Nymacy, Brian's turtles. It's me! The petsto owner from across the street, Ryan's Turtles. Turtles are you the one who keeps ordering the turtle food to the store? Because that is not okay. That's across us alone.

I thought it might be humorous, because of course you know that my petsto across the street only sells turtles. As a big fuck you. Turtles, this feels like a little late in the episode for you to show off. Oh Oh Okay, I just thought it might be fun No, you know what? Fight my

You can't fight your own battles look at your wrist and ankles Tattles has the greatest wrist and ankles any of us have ever seen Flattery will get you everywhere. No listen. I was rude. I thought I thought we had 10 minutes left So but there are like two or three minutes. So there's not enough for an arc here So we will resume this feud another time Ryan's tattles out Tottles he's so cool god damn. He wears those glasses inside makes it look like such a badass smokes two cigarettes at once it take I probably don't probably please don't smoke this he's already gone all right well we might as well we sold nothing today we lost a lot of merchandise uh is this a

meeting Brian's yeah official I guess it's just a meeting. Got a little official. I guess it's an end of the day meeting, war, but I'm gonna need your help, throw in Jeremy's body in the Anaconda tank, so we can get rid of him again. Oh man, I mean. The Anaconda don't want none. I don't care, okay.

If the Anaconda's gonna do what it's gonna do, it's gonna eat another body. Okay, well I'm just saying we have two bears in the fish aisle and um... They're full on fish. They're goddamn full on fish. It's real. Well this, by the way.

You got to give them to Arby's. No, first of all, Arby's this. This is too hot for even Arby's to take. We got, by the way, we gotta stop this, okay? We gotta start action a little more professional. I was easy on you in the morning, but it gave you raises, you're good employees, but I'm gonna, three new ground rules.

Nobody dies with the pets to already more. What? We gotta stop people from stealing the merchandise. Oh. For the life of God, we gotta start selling some of these pets. Please. And. We are hemorrhaging money.

A race? Fine. One more race, $2 an hour. Yay. And I, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so you guys are, you guys are both up to $55 an hour now. And you've been working for me for two weeks. That is the last one though. I'm artisan, that's coming out of my check.

Warp, piece back, punch him, the fans back. I love it here. And to celebrate, I'm going to open off this tip top of a mouse with human lips singing. I'm going to be loved. I have a new home. They're going to love me. And you're rising on the home. Jupiter.

Hey, sorry, Ryan Tuttle's here. I noticed you're rising, um, um... Jupiter. Hey! Sorry, Ryan, Tuddles here. I noticed you're still going. So there was time for me. This is not usual for us, Tuddles. Okay, okay, I'll back out slowly. I just thought I saw you all still talking, so I thought, well, they told me there was a time. I think it's great that you're introduced,

like, this is great for the sequel of this episode, Tuddles. Okay, okay, as long as I dip my toes in the water. I think what it was, turtles is that we, we needed an out and we couldn't find one. And I was like, I didn't know if it was, well, I'll go ahead and say it. Yes. Jupiter. Is that anything? Good to meet everybody.

Neptune, bye. Turns into smoke disappears. No. Alright, no, we need five more minutes to puddle. I didn't know we could turn into smoke disappears All right, no, we need five more minutes to puddle. I didn't know we could turn into smoke That was clue crew so now here's a who's who the relatable host was a Aaron Keith if you rolled your eyes. It's cuz a apple refi or that other young guy fucking JPC Tony edited what everybody said and

Public cardamans did the loco Arnie Parrott sang and wrote every single fricking note of 1, 2, 3, 4, Hate Riddle Riddle's Glue Crew