Hey Riddle Riddle - *UNLOCKED* Patreon Ep #75: Hey Riddle High: Get Bent! Part 1

Episode Date: September 7, 2020

This is part one of our newest riddle city story! We are only releasing PART 1 on the main feed. Part 2 and 3 are available RIGHT NOW over on our Patreon. Go to Patreon.com/heyriddleriddleWelcome back to Riddle City! This time it’s 1985 and at Riddle City High. This THREE part series follows head of the school newspaper, Kyle Stoneheart and his new friend, Flint. The boys try to find the missing school golden boy, Brad Bent, before the homecoming dance! The Clock is ticking! We’ve got 80s references to make and a missing student to find! Get Bent! Special thanks to Arne and Casey for all their hard work on this! Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifVoice work:Oliva Nielsen Leila GorsteinCasey ToneyDamon Royster Sean CoyleEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & printsWant to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey listeners! You weren't expecting to see us on a Monday! Oh, we talk. So it's one of, from the sick and twisted mind of Aaron Keith. The one who brought you, the one who brought you, Hey Riddle City, our noir classic. Only this time, we're going to that, ba ba ba ba ba,

Bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, Bwaaase, Don't you not listen to this. It's one of our favorite things we've ever done. It's absolutely brilliant. Aaron poured her heart and soul and slap bracelets into it. Arnie Parrott has a brand new banging theme. Casey Tony. I think I'll. Casey Tony. Okay, shut up for a second. Casey Tony did a phenomenal job at it. Aaron just shut up and trying to celebrate you. Shut the fuck up. Aaron is incredible. She's so wonderful. And Casey Tony did a phenomenal job editing this.

So we're incredibly proud to put this out to you now. If you want to listen to episodes two and three, they're on Patreon. They're never going to be on this main feed. So this is just a little worm on the hook to reel you in. I just quickly wanted to also thank Olivia Nielsen, Layla Gourstein, Damon Roister, Casey Tony again for doing additional voices. Oh, Tony, again, for doing additional voices. Oh, and Sean Coil, for doing additional voices. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate you offering your talents. I'd also like to thank Ben Affleck, George Brett, the Benny the Bull, the Phoenix Suns Gorilla, Amelia Earhart's Plane. You guys. The concept of rain. I think I think Ben, Jerry, Jenny's, uh, baskins, robins, uh, JPC's just thinking ice cream. Okay. So, uh,

after recording, uh, Hey, Riddle high get bent, um, by the way, you can get merch for that on the Patreon as well. It's really, really good by Ray Glass. Um, uh, who's your favorite character from the series? Who, what was your favorite part? Who's a kid in the library? I don't wanna say because I feel like that is a spoiler. The Clarence Crann. Clarence Crann. Well that's not the first episode. So if you liked this one, definitely check out the site.

Hands down, Clarence Crann is the... What a weird thing to put in the days to the teaser for something that people do. Good luck. And if you like this, go to patreon.climbslash. Hey, Riddle Riddle, you can join the clue crew for $5 a month or the review crew for $8 a month and get access to all of our bonus episodes.

Enjoy! Tonight's top story, high school sports hero Brad Bent has vanished without a trace just days before the big homecoming dancing game. We take you now to Riddle High, where the investigation is underway to hear from a few of his classmates. I voted for him, and it's just like, if he doesn't show up, who's gonna be the homecoming, can you know? Brat's not the entire team, you know, but if Brat doesn't show up,

we're gonna get her butt handed to us at the homecoming game. It's just a fact. One time Brat spittin' my open mouth. Yeah. Yeah no it was awesome. I haven't watched my turn since. If Brad isn't sure about a homecoming dance in game, I think we should just set fire to the school because it's not worth it without him there. Like oh my god where can he be? How can someone just banish like that?

Yeah, we have an investigation underway, but we are just wicked and competent, so we're probably not gonna find him. Oh! Oh! I don't know where Brad's at, but if he's reading this or hearing this, if you don't show up, dude, I'm going to put

your ass where your head is. Everyone knows Brad was supposed to win Hong Kong again, but if he doesn't show, he's not eligible to win. And he goes missing this week? I think that's too much of a coincidence, don't you? All I know is someone here at Riddle High? Must know where he is. Brad! Where are you? Nice. Did you guys see another one?

We open on the back of a boy's head sitting at a desk. He's wearing a green long-sleeved polo with the sleeves rolled up and his hair is sticking up every which way. He's handsome. He looks like you. Actually, he is you, Adel. On a piece of paper, we see him scribble the words, popular, expectations vanished. We see the board in front of him. The date on the board says September 22nd, 1985. The bell rings and we follow him through the hallway. We see him dodge and weave

between skate borders, roller skaters, kids listening to tape decks, and girls fixing their makeup and their locker mirrors. How is there this much activity in the hall between classes? Don't we only get two minutes? How is this possible? Two girls holding a banner that reads, Homecoming 1985 are walking towards the team. He ducks under it just in time. He makes it to his locker. A girl popping bubblegum rolls her eyes at him and steps out of the way. He hits his locker with his right hand.

It opens and he takes out a notebook that says, Kyle Stoneheart's clues, leads, etc. He walks into a classroom that reads, Mr. Jeffers English, Slash, School newspaper, just as the bell rings. BELL RINGS Mr. Jeffers has a mustache and is jishevilled. His tie is stained and his wedding ring is scratched. You could beat him in a fight, probably. Mr. Stoneheart, you're just in time.

What took you so long to get here? Oh, sorry, dude. I was just being tubular in the hallways. Don't have a cow, man. I didn't understand a word you just said, teenagers. Bark me out. You pig-queef. I can't believe you're adding all of these so early on. Really burning through them. Take a chill pill, boy, stoid. Right out of the gate, huh? Just going to burn them all. All right. Psych.

Oh. All right, Kyle, there is someone I want you to meet. This here is Flint. He transferred here from Puzzle High at the beginning of the school year. Flint had hair down to his shoulders, a long black coat, a grey band t-shirt, combat boots, and sunglasses on inside. He was impossibly cool.

He was smelling a pencil. It looked like a mustache, then he snapped it in half. JPC, this is you, obviously. You see Mr. Stoneheart, Mr. Flint here needed an elective and as you know the school newspaper is the least Popular considering it's just you His guidance counselor placed him here, and I'm sure you two will get along great Yeah, I'm sure I'm gonna get along great with what was your name again dumb norm core? No As if it's Kyle Stoneheart no wait yes

Camp on cards well if you know this what's your name and give it to me one more time flint it's my lesson that's your holding the what's your name is flint it's like a Madonna situation don't worry about it people call me flint made you flint made you flint I know you, but what am I Flint? What are you for Michigan? How's the water eventually? Well, well, I'm sure that we're gonna get along great anyway. You're supposed to show me around this school newspaper Yeah, man. Sorry. I gave you a hard time. That was kind of bogus. I think you're kind of cool Yeah, I'm running the school newspaper and yeah, I could use some help.

So if you're looking for something to do, might be kind of fun. Well, you know, I just moved here and it doesn't seem to be much else to do in this kind of podunk town. So sure, I'll give school newspaper a try. Yeah, I agree, this town's pretty fucking heinous. It's your town.

Don't talk about your town like that. I can talk about it because I have disdain for a place that's not my town Well, I've lived here so I know the town better than you so if anything I have the right to dis it and you don't you should have pride for your town I still have pride for my old town Where puzzle high was and the town's name was puzzled Phil and I wish I was back there now Where Puzzle High was and the town's name was Puzzle Phil and I wish I was back there now I heard this thing all right boys boys wait, where were you gonna say? Said I heard this town used to be cool back in the 40s when my grandpa was a detective I was just about to bring that up as you may have heard boys. Are you ready to get down to business? Oh? Wait, what what what? What? What?

Oh, we're not going to find you. No, no, no, no. I asked you what I was going to say. As you may have heard on the real news or from your classmate, the captain of the sports team, Brad Bent, went missing three days ago. Missing. So you're saying we have to try and get bent? Shouldn't be an issue for you. I guess I could be the tagline of the series.

We're trying to get bent. The authorities have got nothing to go on. Mr. Stoneheart has taken upon himself to solve this, right? Mr. Stoneheart? What's your damage? It's in his blood. His grandfather is the great riddle city detective, brick stone heart. I want you two to work together and break the story in time for our next issue of the Sydney. Our paper is named after our alumni and founder, Sybil Sydney, back in the 1940s. The decade I was born, I'm 40 years old.

Whoof. What? No, sorry. Too heavy-handed? Too much, too shoe-horned in, too much too fast? No, just the fact that you're 40s, what I was woofing. Oh, all right, boys, you have until tonight to find him. Tonight's the homecoming dance, and he's got a big homecoming game tomorrow.

Do you think you're up for the challenge? Shouldn't we call the police? Aren't we just kids? Listen, I always want to try and get bent, but I don't think this is the way. I'm gonna call the cops. Let's get this way. If you two don't solve this, you're gonna be in detention for the rest of your lives.

Oh, come on. I just moved here and I'm willing to do it because I don't have kind of dick else to do right now, but I truly don't believe that we are equipped. I don't think that you have like the grandchildren of famous detectives often like solving crimes.

I think that's a really poor way to design, you know, a system. Not with that attitude. You are a goodie. Okay. Don't you want the civil Sydney paper to be good? I mean, I'd be stoked to the max if it were good. I just moved here and I don't really have context for why that would be important to me. Well, I don't know if you know this flint, but...

Assume that I don't. Okay, this is my first day here. The school newspaper? It's hotter than Kathy Ireland. Does that make sense? Whoa, Kathy Ireland. Get my passport ready. This is definitely how boys talk in the 80s?

Alright. Well, TikTok boys, you better the 80s. All right. Well, TikTok boys, you better get on it. I start not for another 40 years, ma'am. I mean, sir. How dare you? I'm sorry. I was just, I-

I am a teacher and his 40s with a mustache. Do not talk to me like that. It's just that you're a little bit androgynous like that brand new singer, Prince. Oh my gosh. Well boys, I would start with his best friend and teammate, Zatch. Yes, his name is Zatch. The last time I did that. Z-A-T-C-H and then 11 more Hs. The last time I saw him, he was outside on the field kicking a ball into the allotted space. Now go, I know it's the middle of the school day, but this is how the 80s work. Hit it Arnie!

They say that life is a mystery, then we're gonna solve it. The police keep on saying, they don't want our involvement What a student has gone missing and we've paid space to fill And we all deserve to know if they've been kidnapped or killed We're dancing in the sun, our lives have just begun But we don't get it so if we're getting rid of it We got it, it's the goal, they They say the life's cool and real high school We're just some children who are bigger in it

Out as we go Vapapapapapakirin Vapapapapapakirin Vapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapap Hey, Aaron. Hey, Aaron. Do we have to continue with this because all people are going to talk about is how great the song was I know right? Yeah, we got it. We have to soldier on Wait, I'm getting drafted. Oh my god. There's no well We know who knows okay? That's just wearing a gray sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. Short shorts and a purple sweatband. He's thick and sweet like a stack of pancakes and he smells like them to boot.

This was all classic Zatch. What do you want? Do we besaurus Rex? A knuckle sandwich? And who's this? He looks like he should be in the matrix. I just made that word up. Well, no, matrix is a thing that hackers get into but this is Flint

Zatch and he's a new kid in town so you better watch your mouth because we don't know if he knows karate or what I'd say It's nice to meet you, but it's never been nice That kind of hurt my feelings. What do you need? Well, we're looking for a we're looking to get bent. Oh You're looking for my buddy Brad. Yes. Yeah, what's the scoop between you and Brad anyway? Is that you? Well, it's what you say what's the scoop between what's your damage man? Didn't you hear what I said? No, I'm just trying to see how you pronounce my name it sort of sound like you put it a K at the end too I don't know I grab his shirt and and try and lift him in the air and I say be like basking Robbins and give us a scoop. You are a fifth of my side. I'm sorry sir. I'm so sorry sorry. I don't know man. It is annoying. He's the captain and our best

player. The homecoming game is tomorrow and the dance is tonight and he better show up by then. We'll be freaking toast without him. If I tell you what I know, maybe it'll get him back and we can win the game and win glory and accolades. I freaking love accolades. Wow Honda? Yeah of course. Honda accolades. My dad drives a Honda accolade. Zashed, you seem pretty intense on getting him back. What's going on between the two of you? I just want to win the game, he's my best friend. Also, we have matching tuxes for the dance tonight and that will be a full waste if he doesn't show up.

Does your tux have sleeves? No. That's rude. Did you say that you got your tux for the full waste? I think that's called a cumberbund. Also, since your sleeves are ripped off, I see you have a tattoo of Ronald Reagan. Yeah, my favorite actor. My least favorite president. All right, but first you got to enter my riddle four eyes and angsty Jesus before I give you what you need to

know because we are in riddle city after all. You probably aren't used to this what's your name, Zatch. What's your name's Flint? Yeah, and I'm from Puzzville. Where is it? Puzzle Town? Can I get some clarification or where I'm from? Puzzleville is in Illinois. Puzz Town is in the state that we're in right now.

Got it. Yeah, I'm from Puzz Town. We don't really do things like that there all right here we go here's your riddle are you ready a man's looking at a painting in a museum and says brothers and sisters I have none but that man's father is my father son who is in the painting this man's just talking to himself at a museum yes sounds like a real dweebus if you ask me. That's what I just called you, a dweebous source Rex.

Well, yeah, but mine was a little slim down and simplified. Damn, he's cool. Also, we probably all Googled the same 80s terms. Cool beans, cool beans, cool beans. Whatever. A man looking at a painting in a museum. A man is looking at a painting in a museum and says, brothers and sisters, I have none. But that man's father is my father's son.

Who was in the painting? His grandfather. No. That man's father is my father son And he doesn't have any brothers or sisters. No brothers are sisters. He's looking as dad No, does he have step siblings? No, he's looking at a picture of himself. I have a step sister No, it's like a dark situation, which is a German TV you have a step sister. Yeah She actually just transferred to this school too. She wants to be a cheerleader or whatever.

I don't know what her damage is. What's her name? Her name is Michelle Donce Obama. Donce Obama. Fifer? Fifer. Buy out like the actors. Incredible.

Yeah. She sounds awfully cute. I hope I get to date her. Hey, leave off. That's my step sister. Leave off what? Enter my riddle. A man looks at a painting in a museum and says, Brothers and Sisters, I have none. But that man's father is my father's son. When he says that man is he referring to the person

in the painting? Yes. That man in the painting, his father is my father's son. And it's not a painting of himself? No. Is it a mirror? No. Hmm.

Is he staring at the door to the bathroom? And is it just like a white outline of a gentleman? And does he think that there are no that bathrooms are brotherhoods and there's camaraderie at the stall? Yes. Good. No. Smooth move, X-lacks. I would need to transfer into a stall if I had some X-lacks on on me Because how much I'd be shitting for this is just I have none that man's father is my father's son So it would be that man's grandfather That man's father that man's father is my father's son So he's looking at a picture of his son. Yes, it's the man's son. Oh

Did I sing the song take on me? Cause aha, wait, that was actually pretty good. I actually really like it. Is it in a museum or a man's son? You're the freaking worst dude. I'm going to make minced meat out of you as soon as I can. Yeah, I hope you like lime disease and your mince meat. Ew. Yeah. You've lime disease. I do. Are you okay? Well, my energy's low. Yeah, it's a really hard thing to live with. Yeah. You're very brave if you're living with lime disease. Anyways. Wait, you have lime disease? Is that what is that why the teacher earlier said tick-cock? I mean, if you did, it was in poor taste. Fine. The night before he went missing, he told me he wanted to tell me something very

important. We were at a diner, split in a milkshake in boy food when his girl friend turned up, Samantha sweet. Everyone knew Samantha sweet. Head cheerleader, it girl. Her mother was a famous model and her father was a swan. So she is beautiful. Oh no, for that for mom. Samantha was the head of the Samantha's, three girls who did everything together and set every trend. Samantha Sweet, Samantha Short, and Samantha Sad.

But Samantha Sweet was their leader They took off together to make out dump in his car So he never got to tell me what the important thing was the other two Samantha stayed behind with me Maybe go talk to her or them. They're on the other side of the field practice in their cheers Make up dump isn't that called a plumpkin? The other two's stayed with you? Yeah. So what's Samantha's sad deal?

She sounds cool. Yes. I don't know, man. She's from the saddest part of town. That sad old mansion on the hill, that's where she lives. Oh, OK. Thank God. First, when you said saddest part of town,

I assumed poorest part of town as well, since those two things often go together, but then you said mansion and I was like chacheng. No, a lot of people, poor people are rich in other things. She's very rich, but poor in everything else. She's rich in money, but poor in happiness. Anyways, I'm gonna get back to doing the sports practice thing. I gotta pick up the ball and I'm gonna throw it this way

and then run and crawl. Ooh, nice play, Shakespeare, dope. Tackle it, all right? You tackled the ball, nice. Dude, I'm sorry, I have to ask before you go, this isn't technically part of the story, but you really do sound like a 25 year old undercover cop who maybe looked up teenager terms.

Everyone says that it's school man. No, I live through the 80s. Trust me. Alright. Eeeh, you! See ya! Eeeh, you! The boy flocked across the field to Samantha Sweet. She has blue eyes and her blonde hair is up in a side pony. Ever since Brad's disappearance, she's been wearing a black version of her cheerleading uniform with a black fail. Samantha short and

Samantha sad were on either side of her as always. Get ready to say goodbye when you're fighting. Little high. Go team! Oh sweet! Hey I don't't eat I don't care What do you want? I don't care. Hey, I don't know if you know me We don't run the same circles, but I'm Kyle Stoneheart Yeah, and what do you want? Yeah? What do you want? I agree? You want What do you want? Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in.

Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in.

Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in.

Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. Flint in. I'm in mourning. You're right. Let's make this short and sweet. If you're in mourning, does that mean your evenings are opened up? Hi, my name's Flint. You can't possibly be hitting on me right now. My boyfriend just went missing. Uh, you know, I'm hitting on the pretty one. Damn. Hey, sad. What's your story? Damn, Flint. Do I see sparks? To me? I have no story. Flint, do I see sparks? Who me? I have no story.

Neither do I. I kinda write my own story. And the title of the story is Bullshit Happens. Who gives a fuck. Ooh, I love short stories. Can you two get to the point? We're in the middle of practicing, homecoming dances tonight in the games tomorrow. Get to the point.

I'd rather get to the dump. Makeout dump sad you want to go to the dump Address me when you're talking to the Samantha's damn Flint you want a sad dump Sad dumps are the best kind Are you here to Darn is this what you wanted it's exactly what I wanted yeah, that's right We're here. We you were the last one seen with Brad you guys went to make out dumps together Is it exactly what I wanted? Yeah, that's right. You were the last one seen with Brad. You guys went to make a dump together?

We did. I'll tell you all about it. But first, you have to answer my riddle. There are two ducks in front of two other ducks. There are two ducks behind two other ducks. There are two ducks beside two other ducks. How many ducks are there? Listen, we get it. Your dad was a swan, okay? You have a very long neck. You have wings. You're talking about ducks. We get it.

I'm beautiful. You're gorgeous. I know. Although one time in science class you did call me Kyle Stonefart. And everyone laughed and it was amazing. Slint takes out a little notebook and writes something down. What are you writing down? Doesn't matter, don't worry about it.

It's my journal. It's Stoneheart. Don't read my journal, dad. I mean, Kyle. I'm out of cop. I'm not an undercover cop who's your dad. Okay, there's. There are two ducks in front of two other ducks.

There are two ducks behind two other ducks. There are two ducks behind two other ducks. There are two ducks beside two other ducks. How many ducks are there? Four. Yep. You got it. Fine, I'll tell you what happened. Wait, hold on.

Did I sing take on me? Because... Ah-ha! Did you already use that on someone today? You did. I was there. Fuck. I don't know you.

We're partners. Yeah. In title only. I still haven't decided how I feel about you. But you could be growing on me. Hell yeah. I don't need to see the story arc of you two liking each other. I just want to answer your question so you'll get out of my life. When we went to make out dump, he got into a fight with Dalton Draxton.

They both punched each other in the eye. It was so annoying because I just wanted to kiss on some trash. Dalton has always been so intimidated by Brad. They were best friends when they were kids. But then Brad started sports and Dalton spent all his time at the country club spending his daddy's money. He's probably in the parking lot, cleaning his precious car right now. You can look room there. Oh shit, Flint, guess what? Do I really have to guess?

I'm not a guessing. I hope you like bookstores, because it could be Dalton. You think Dalton's behind this disappearance? Hey, can you appreciate what I just said? Can you write it down or something? Well, I'm from a different town. What did I miss a reference? Do you not have B. Dalton's in your town? No, we have Barnes and Noble. Oh, oh wow. Riz B. Dalton's a bookstore? It was. No, I'm sorry it is right now. It should be

If you excuse us, we have to audition a new cheerleader today. She's trying out her name is Michelle Fyfer and she probably won't make it. Right girls? Yeah, that's right. I'm really short. I agree. She probably won't make it. Oh shit, Flynn, isn't that your step sister? It could be a different Michelle Fyfer. She's got the biggest bazungas I've ever seen. That's what we call feet here. See you later. Yeah, see you later. Have a good day. Wait, sad. Samantha said, will I see you later? I don't know. Thanks for noticing me. She's like EOR. Yeah, something about her man. Hey Samantha short. Yeah. I love you. What? I said bye. Hi.

Idiot Kyle you idiot. Well Kyle. You are not smooth at all my man. I know. Nice move. Nice to x-lacks. It's smooth move. Ha.

Duh, dirt. Hey if we're gonna go all the way to the parking lot, I want to sit down and rest for a second. My Lyme disease is acting up. As if. My Lyme disease does make me more fatigued, and I fatigue easier because of it. Lyme disease. The narrator wondered how good of a running bit this is gonna be. Lyme disease here.

Drink this Sprite. Sprite is in a proper medication for live disease. And if left untreated, it could lead to an infection that could spread to the joints, the heart, and the nervous system. What is it in ear infuction? Do you say ear infuction? Uh-huh. Because I'm the sofa king.

No, I'm on antibiotics, and if I am treated for a few weeks with them, my limb disease should go away. Antibionics, so you hated Robocop? Nobody hates Robocop. High five. Smash. And cut. Thank you boys so much for doing a commercial for Lyme disease in the middle of the day.

Here's $10 each. We really, really appreciate it. $10. That's like $85 nowadays. $10. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm. $5.00. $5.00. $10.00.

It's down payment for a house. Side note, our new t-shirt is $10.00. That's like $85.00. And it costs $13.00. $13.00. $13.00. $13.00. Okay.

Dalton Drakston is polishing a white convertible meticulously. Dalton is wearing a polo shirt with four pink sweaters tied around to shoulders. His fluffy hair is parted to the side. He's wearing ray bands and spares. He's sporting a black eye. Think a young James Spader with a more punchable face He fogs up the side mirror with his breath and then he uses his shirt to wipe it clean Jesus Stoneheart, don't you have anything better to do than come bother me

Better than solve the local mystery As you can see I am tending to my baby Ugh, as you can see, I am tending to my baby, greased lightning. It's the best car in the world. It's got an engine for wheels, steering wheels, seats, park, reverse, neutral drive, tons of trunk space, and a roomy front seat to make out what the ladies did.

I mentioned it has wheels. What do you want? Well, I'm not gonna lie. Grease wagon is a real pussy wagon, but listen, Grease wagon, it's Grease lightning. Grease lightning. piece of burnt toast. Oh, are you having a stroke? I don't know.

Do you taste metal? A little. Well, you better start talking to get that taste out of your mouth or else we're gonna serve you up some cherry pie because you're gonna get a warrant from the cops, from the local cops, aarrant, cherry pie. Do you want to try that again with more confidence? Yeah. Flint, help me out.

No, I haven't been introduced yet, Kyle. I don't know this person. I know we were friends. Who we... I want to, I want to. I'm trying, but... This is Dalton. Hey, where'd you get that Shiner? Um, huh. Wouldn't you like to know?

Who is this? A is a post someone who thinks wearing a long coat is a personality. Flix a cigarette unlit into the backseat of Dalton's convertible. Hey, what? I'm gonna have to eat that. I'm gonna have to eat that. I'm gonna have to eat that now. I'm gonna have to eat that cigarette now, man. Come on. Wait, what? What? Get off my beef, Buster-Roney. I'm gonna have to eat that cigarette now, so it's not in my car anymore.

Speaking of beef with you and Brad, where's the beef? Why'd you punch each other? All right, fine. I'll answer your questions, but first my riddle. The captain of the ship was telling an interesting story. We traveled the sea far and wide. At one time, two of my sailors were standing on opposite side of the ship. One was looking west and the other one east.

And at the same time, they could see each other clearly. How can that be possible? They were twins. And twins? I bet you've never met a twin in your life, Flint. That's not true. My dad's sisters are twins together. You're on? You could have just said my ons or twins. We don't say that word in a riddle city. Yeah, also he has a step sister. We're out of trouble. So we don't know his relationship with his dad. Yeah.

Yeah, don't talk about my dad, my frickin' dad. Yeah, he's a wealthy businessman, but he doesn't really have a lot of time at home for us. He married this gorgeous supermodel, but boy oh boy, she doesn't have a lot of time for us. And she's got this daughter, Michelle Fyfer. Where's my dad's always trying to get me to enlist in the military. No way pops. Loving that you both have daddy issues, I don't. I don't have daddy issues. My daddy loves me very much.

We don't subscribe to that magazine He bought me this car. Oh Must be nice. Can you repeat your riddle, please? Yep The captain of a ship was telling this interesting story we traveled to see far and wide at one time two of my sailors We're standing on opposite side to the ship one was looking west in the other one east and at the same time They could see each other clearly. How can that be possible? The world's longest ship. Next riddle.

Is it that it? Is it the world's longest ship? No. I was born on pile of shit. Wait, no. Why is that a brag? I was born in the cleanest hospital in the world. See, the hospital's born in was made of diamonds.

That's the way that you have to talk about your town. You can't have this a defeatist attitude towards it. I like that you two are not getting along. Make me feel good. Would you get along with someone like this? I don't like either of you. No, I wasn't motioning to you. I was motioning to myself. Oh, sorry.

I'm saying I'm hard to get along with because I've got problems and I don't want to talk about them. Hey, you've been very open with me. You told me even your entire family history, yes. I'm under dead under my breath. You heard? Hey, Dalton. I'll trade you the slap bracelet for a clue or a hint. Wait, Dalton. I'll try to do the slap bracelet for a clue or a hint. Wait, Dalton, were they at the equator? No.

Okay. Were you named after the Roadhouse character from that movie that came out months ago? Yes. What was your name before it was Dalton? Rich Kid McGee. Hmm. Nice. I thought you'd be bigger. So they were standing at opposite into the ship, but they could still see each other. Where they turned towards each other.

Ah, yeep. I'm condescendingly clapping. Can you tell? No, it sounds like a regular clap. Yeah, I'm doing a regular clap. Until you said it and then it made me feel bad. Well, Cappings. Cappings. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Pretty good, but it's never gonna flint. It's never gonna fool somebody like me. You didn't get it. I thought I did. I thought I did.

You did, but not for a not right away. Well, I was upset about those things I said about my dad. Fine. Let it go. He's too rich. Let it go. Yeah, fine. Who cares about your rich kid crap anyway? Yeah, we'll see you on the right and do his car.

We'll see on the ski slopes next year. Would you just do to my car? I flipped another cigarette into the backseat. I'm gonna have to eat a second cigarette. Hey, anytime you want a race, you just let me know by the way. Flint, no, you flipped it into the gas tank. G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G- Brad yet you idiots. Yeah. Okay, let's wait. Yeah, we'll just wait. We'll chance it. Tell us what you know about Brad and how you got that shiner. At least that cigarette was an unlit because then we would all be exploded by now, idiots.

The night Brad went missing, he got mad at me for being in his favorite parking spot at Make Out Dump. Mr. Popular is not used to second place, I suppose. Keep saying the future homecoming king should get whatever spot he wants. I was there first, and when he got too close to my greaselightening, I punched him right in the eye. It was all Brad's fault. Samantha sweet-ran home crying, because she hates fights, and Brad's sped off into the night.

The last I saw him. You can ask Melody Madden. She was the girl with me at Make Out Dump. Now Scram! I gotta get my car a little kisses. What? Why do you have a black eye if you punched bread? He punched me back.

You just left that part out of the story? I didn't think it was important. Well, you're asked got punched and that sounds pretty important to me. You also told a lie It's not his fault. It is Stephen King's fault. See you later alligator Hey, I'm really sorry about him. We just gonna got paired up by Lincoln teacher. I thought we were friends. Why would you think that? Because we met each other. We met cute. I dropped my books and then you picked them up It's sort of I was the one who slapped about of your hands. Oh, yeah

It sort of feels like you're like a printer that The people told to use 80s buzzword to like print 80s buzzwords and then everyone thought the printer was broken And they kept saying print again print again, then they all come out at once a printer what do I take 15 fucking minutes? Yeah and you're the size of a car. See 80s idiot. It's crazy the size of a car because I'm also one fifth

the size of a zatch so. Shut up. I have to give my car little kisses. That dude smells like pancakes. Bye. Enjoy kissing your car Dalton. Wait, he will. Never car kisser. All right. Let's go find Mallory.

Mallory madden was. No, we're finding Mallory. Oh, we either had to find Mallory. Did you guys meet me and Mallory? Oh, we were looking for Allison Oop. Do you know Allie Oop? Oh, she died two years ago. Oh, that's right. Melody Madden was the high school drama club president,

but she was more like the drama queen president. Mm-hmm. Queen's new president. Oh, yes. Mm-hmm. And she was also Brad's lab partner. The boys make their way to the drama wing to find Melody. They open the door to a room packed with boas, sparkly suit coats, top hats, feathers,

failed dreams and glasses with noses attached to them. The original Broadway cast album of Pippin is playing on a tape deck. Melody Madden sits in front of a vanity doing vocal warmups. Ooh! Jennifer Aniston isn't famous yet. Jennifer Aniston isn't famous yet. Al Gore will win the popular vote. Al Gore will win the popular vote. The internet. The internet. vote. The internet. The internet. Low-rise jeans will ruin the early 2000s. Low-rise jeans will ruin the early 2000s. She was wearing pink biker shorts that matched her pink hoops and pink lipstick. She had a white denim jacket that matched her white sneakers and white teeth.

Her eyeshadow was turquoise and she looked up at the boys and frowned. Hey Melody, listening to Pippin, I love that guy. The bowls are great. Or at least they will be in a few years. I guess Pippin goes to Central Arkansas right now. What? Sorry. Hey, we wanted to talk to you about Brad B.

What are you boys doing in the drama wing? Fall musical additions for Pippin are this afternoon, after school, before the homecoming dance, and I am a shoe-in to play the leading player in Pippin. And yeah, I talk like this. I'm trying to get in the right headspace. You don't belong here. I mean, look at you. Who is this?

Uh, this is Flint. He's new in town. he's my best friend. I'm Flint, I don't give a shit what we're doing here and I don't care about anything. And I'm not mad at my dad for the record. Buh! Seems like you're pretty mad at your dad. I like to study human behavior

because I am going to be an actress. Oh wow, and is your brother Steve still into shoes? Yes, he loves shoes. He's gonna make overpriced boots for the rest of his life. And is your brother, go ahead, no you do it. Is your dad John still in the football? Yes. Okay, what else?

Isn't there video games about him? Yeah, yes. Oh yeah. Well, no eventually, eventually, right now, there's just sort of, I don't know, Atari or something. I also can tell that you two aren't best friends. Again, I study human behavior. Flint, corrector.

Well, I'd love to, but she's on the right track. That's from Pippin, you don't know that? You don't know that? I was asking you, you don't know that. You don't know that. I don't know that. I was asking him. This conversation's going extraordinary.

Hey, listen Melody, here's the deal. All right, we're just looking to get bent. Casey add like a little ding sound. Get, you're looking to get bent. Add a little ding sound. Yeah, and we looking to get bent. Add a little ding sound. Yeah, and we've got no time at all. So, let's stop messing around. Isn't a little bit in poor taste to say get bent,

even though Brad bent went missing just this week. Well, I guess I'll miss the man. Where there's smoke, there's say no-mills fire. We're just looking at my fine-and-missing kid before the big sports game. You think I don't notice your Pippin references? Because Aaron Keefe doesn't know that musical that well. How dare you? Look, we've searched for him at every corner of the sky,

but all the evidence came to you. So now we want to know what you know. We know that you're, well, of course I have more. There's 15, I've only used six. I'll use them all. Do it. We don't want to be here with you. We want to be finding where

with Brad went. Right Brad, is it Brad? Brad bent. Yeah, we want to find where Brad bent with. So can we skip all these simple joys of talking to you and get to what you know? Do the rest. They'll come naturally in conversation.

Will they? You think you can just demand that from us because you're so popular? Well, that no, that's a different, um, that'll happen. Are you sure? That'll be great later. That'll be great later. Um, look, we've got magic to do. So can you make with the glory and war as science?

Nice natural, nice natural. That was the most natural of all of them, for sure. I'm burning to the ones that are hard to use of conversation. Flint, are you Robert Redford? Because you're a fucking natural. Look, I'm sick of listening to this love song between the two of you. So can we skip to the finale where you tell us what we need to know? Did you do it?

I think so. Here's a glass of water, you need it. Thanks, I've been smoking a lot today. I'm not going to talk about Brad until you answer my riddle. Do you understand? Uh-huh. We understand. A basket contains five apples. Do you know how to divide them among five kids so that each one has an apple and one apple stays in the basket? Yeah, the kid who's holding the basket

doles out four to his friends and then keeps his one apple which is in the basket that it started in. his one apple which is in the basket that it started in. Fine, I'm a little bit annoyed that that was so easy for you. So instead I'm going to improvise. Do you know what improvise means? No I won't be here. No, I won't be here. Yeah, it seems like it. I need both of you to sing 16 bars from musical theater show of your choice past, present,

or future, and then I will talk. Thank God. The future is adoption. I don't give a shit about anything. I'm not into theater. I don't really have any interests except not having interest. 5, 6,n, Mr. Salafayn. You should have been my name. Mr. Salafayn, because you can look right through me. Walk by, bye bye. Bye bye, bye bye.

Ciao. Flint. Uh, boy. Uh, come on, Flint. There must be something that you could do. Oh, God. Why don't you just sing some Falco? I'll just make something up. Let's see. Can I pick up this guitar? Do you mind if I use this guitar? Fine. Fine. We're not going to mention where that came from.

Hold on, do you mind if this video is playing at the background as I look up All right, I'll pick up this guitar. Let's see one song glory one song before I go glory one song to leave behind

one song one last refrain glory from the pretty boy front man who wasted opportunity now this is nothing that was nothing I don't know what I was doing that's that's that's sorry no that was beautiful I feel like a lot of 14-year-olds are really gonna like that and then never really listen into it again after they go through a phase of listening to it, you know? No, I don't. Tell us what you know. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Is that something?

Not yet. What are you, Zazu? Not yet. That's not anything yet, either. That's nothing. It's the 80s. Sorry. Sorry. We don't know what year it is, okay? 1985.

Brad is my lab partner and all he does is talk about himself. It really gets in the way of me trying to talk about myself. After the boy's fought, Samantha fled and Brad went home. All I know is he was supposed to have tutoring the next morning, but he never showed up and no one has seen him since. Brad is sooo busy and has to do his tutoring before school. He complains about it all the time. You should go talk to his tutor, Ernest Crayons.

You can probably find him in the library. Sorry, I wasn't there. Ernest Crayons. Yes. Biggest nerd in our class. Hey Melody, can you squash a rumor for me? What? I heard that when you and Brad were lab partners,

that you went over to his house, uses computer and tried to create the perfect woman. Is that true? That was for school. Oh, okay. That was our project. That was our project. Okay.

We had an option to do that or dissect a frog and I didn't want to dissect a frog. Yeah, that's fair. Thank you. By Melody. Melody, can I ask you something? What? What do you see in that jerk Dalton anyway? He's pretty fun once you get to know him. Also, he has a great car. Okay. Yeah. I mean, the fun thing, sure, but the car thing, you should have loved with that because we all know that's what's going on. Hey, and Melody, just so you know,

your boyfriend kisses his car. He's cheating on you. You think I don't know that? Whoa, okay. And he's not my boyfriend, okay? Oh, oh, sorry. Oh, it's not, okay. What is he to you?

That's wild because when we were talking to him, he mentioned that you were his girlfriend several times. Did he? Sure. He used the girl. He used the word girlfriend That's what I'm telling you. Yes. It's so immature. You go to make out dump with a boy once and then he falls in love with you for the rest of his life So annoying you're madden You're melody madden I You're melody madden? I have to go back to my vocal warm-ups. Excuse me, Jennifer Aniston isn't famous yet. Hey Kyle.

Yeah. That madden thing? Yeah. That was pretty bad. Oh damn. No, it's the 80s. Bad means good. Bad means good.

Grody. I'm good. Bad means good. Grody. I'm gonna rock. tubular. Wait, are you gonna rock? Yeah. Sometimes I have to rock too, and it's a symptom of my live disease. Oh, that sucks.

Yeah, well in a couple weeks, like I said, with antibiotics, I'll be okay. One time I was at the arcade playing the burger time, and I raffed on the arcade machine I wreck be okay. One time I was at the arcade playing the burger time and I riled on the arcade machine I wrecked it. Oh, you wrecked it from your Ralph? Yeah. That's a bummer.

Casey put in a bunch of laughter. Alright, let's go check out this, uh, the cramp. The boys walked the hallways to the library and passed many posters with reminders to vote for Homecoming Queen and King. The list of Homecoming Court was mostly filled with the names of people they had spoken to that day. It was always clear that Brad was favored to win, like he does most things. So Kyle, who are you going to vote for for Homecoming King?

I mean, I think it's going to be rigged. I guess I'll just vote for Brad. Really? You don't want to vote for anyone else. You just want to throw away your vote on the person that's going to win. I mean, I'm running as well, but I don't have a chance. Whoa, I see your name here. Yeah, I'm popular, but not that popular. Yeah, it's listed last, even though the rest of the list is in alphabetical order.

I'm a, I'm popular with all like the burnouts, dweebs, nerds, losers, but not with the jocs. Hey guys, my name is Tiffany Tiff. Nice to meet you. What's your name? Whoa. My name is Kyle Stoneheart, and this is Flint. He's new in town, and my best friend. Nice to meet you. What's your name? Whoa. My name is Kyle Stoneheart and this is Flint. He's new in town.

And my best friend. Nice to meet you, Flint. I just wanted to add a little bit of a detail. Do you know that technically Brad is not eligible for homecoming king if he doesn't show up? You have to be at the dance to end. Just sort of a fun detail. Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you too, Tiff. Finitius. Oh, that's hella wild because now it looks like I did it. Oh wow. Because I just said I'm running against him. You just became the chief suspect. Okay, sucks. Well, it's okay. Maybe we can find a way for that a nerd from the library,

crayons, nerd face to clear you. And I know I'm being a derogatory towards him as a nerd, and I shouldn't be because I'm an outcast, but this is kind of what makes me an outcast. That's right. And hey, I know we've been walking around and having a good time, and we're kind of partners now, but can you put your fist down from where it froze in the air?

Not if I'm walking. Ha ha ha ha. You, hold on, you can't walk without having your fist in the air? I can't, I can't walk without freezing and throwing my fist in the air. If I put my fist down, this is a riddle. If I put my fist down, I can't stop, I can't continue walking. Huh, okay, well, Flint and Stonehard are on it again.

We should call ourselves Flintstone if we ever open up a detective agency. I'd really prefer not to do that. Flintstone, detective Flintstone. They I really prefer not to do that. Flintstone. Detective Flintstone. They are two separate guys, best friends. Hey, even if I was eligible to vote, I'm not. I just moved from a different town

that I have it updated by registration. I wouldn't vote for you for Homecoming King. Well, just the fact that you know you're supposed to vote, that's half the battle. Knowing is half the battle. Whoa. Yeah, half the battle. Whoa. Yeah, Joe, maybe. Could be.

Could be, we don't know. Can't remember. So where do we find this library? Okay, well the library is right behind the gymnasium. Right, here it is, let's just let ourselves in. And, ooh, let's read off some of the titles here. These of course are the most popular books of the time We have the Bible. Are you there? Got it to be Margaret the Bible?

We have chicken chicken chicken soup for the burnout soul Maybe I think that was 90s, but okay. We have Mr. Toads Wild ride as a book World according to Garpe and The Michael Jackson's biography. Okay, that's enough. They don't want our involvement But a student has gone missing and we've reached place to fill And we all deserve to know if they've been kidnapped or killed We're dancing in the sun, our lives have just begun But we don't get it so if they're getting it out, it's the goal They say they like school and real high school We're just some children who are getting it out, it's the goal That concludes the end of part one.

This is a three-part series that will continue next week and the following week right here in the Patreon. Thank you so much, Arnie Parrott, for writing my favorite theme of all time, and Casey for his stunning editing. Also, a big thank you to Olivia Nielsen, Damon Royster, Leyla Gourstein, Sean Quile, and Casey Tony for the additional voice work. What will happen next? Will they solve the mystery? Will the boys destroy Ernest Crayons for 10 minutes straight? Spoiler alert, they do, and it's amazing. Definitely check out part two. Join us for the next two weeks right here in the Patreon to find out.

Love you, bye! you