Hidden Brain - Love is Blind

Episode Date: February 13, 2021

Why do some relationships last, while others falter? In this bonus episode, Shankar looks at one thing successful couples do well.

Hey there, Shankar here. I wanted to give you a heads up that I have a new book out. It's called Useful Delusions, and it looks at the paradox of self-deception. There are many ways deceiving ourselves can produce bad outcomes, but sometimes self-deception can also produce good outcomes. As I was thinking about this counterintuitive idea in my own life, I began to reflect on a personal story. It's about my parents, and I thought I'd share it with you as a Valentine's Day bonus

episode. My parents were married for 46 years. Right up until my dad died 10 years ago, he lived by a simple maxim. On all matters, big and small, my mother was right. When she embarked on difficult personal journeys, it was because they were necessary. When she took daring professional leaps and suffered great setbacks, they were only temporary. In every conflict and argument in which my mother found herself embroiled. My dad was on her side. This wasn't a strategic decision he made to purchase domestic harmony. He genuinely

thought of her as the Delphiocorical. He was all in. Regardless of whether such unswarving fate was good for my mother, I've come to realize it was very good for my father. His delusional belief in her allowed him to lead a very happy married life. If my mother were a psychopath, having such a loyal conspirator could have led to disaster. But in the ordinary choices that families make, where to live, how to raise children, what to eat for dinner. My father's simple faith in my mother's infallibility meant many important decisions got made quickly, easily, and without recrimination.

Many couples unwittingly undermine each other because they lack such simple faith. This is especially true when both halves of a couple have strong views. When you think you're the expert on something and your partner does too, this can be a recipe for conflict. This is bad news when you consider we live in a world increasingly dominated by a sortative meeting, a fancy way of saying that people tend to marry others who are like themselves. This is why you have so many lawyers married to other

lawyers or writers married to other writers. Many dating apps, in fact, try to match you with people who are exactly like yourself, which is great, until you find that narcissism of small differences can turn trivial disagreements into vicious conflicts. You like Joseph Conrad? What are you? A Nazi? My father was spared all of that. He was convinced that his wife had impeccable taste in music and books, and that she was infallible when it came to how my sister and I were raised.

My father came from very humble beginnings and suffered great physical and professional setbacks in his life. But the anchor of his marriage, his belief that he was in an ideal marriage. MENT he died happy. To be clear, I'm not suggesting you should just hand over all your keys to your partner. Being overly trusting can sometimes get you in trouble. There is much to be said for evaluating partners carefully and thinking through whether you are compatible. Some people are better matches than others. When it comes to love, people who drive you nuts on day one are best avoided. But too many people, especially those who are highly educated, imagine that finding a partner

with whom they will be happy over a lifetime is a matter of insight. As they stare into a lover's eyes over a Valentine's Day dinner, they imagine it's possible to know whether they are with the right person. Sadly, this is impossible. Not only is your partner going to be very different 46 years down the line, you are going to be very different in a few decades. What you want now will not be what you want then. Over time, aspects of your personality will inevitably drive your partner bonkers, and

no matter how compatible you think you are, any partner you choose will at some point cause you to question your judgment. Most relationships accordingly benefit from a certain degree of self-deception. At some point successful relationships involve transitioning from being with the one you want to wanting the one you're with. People in successful relationships are not those who have partners with no flaws. Rather, they are people who discount their partner's flaws and accentuate their partner's virtues. They embrace useful delusions about each other.

If you want to be happy, you can do worse than to have my father's simple faith in my mother. His wisdom, of course course is reflected in religious texts such as the passage from Corinthians that is often quoted in Marit ceremonies. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. If you are not religious, perhaps I can offer you a secular saint instead. Here is Ruth Bader Ginsburg's advice for a happy marriage. It helps sometimes to be a little death.

I published the written version of this op-ed in the Los Angeles Times. You can find out more about how to make the paradox of self-deception work for you in my new book Useful Delusions, The Power and Paradox of the Self-Decieving Brain. Order the book by going to hiddenbrain.org slash books. Again, that's hiddenbrain.org slash books. And happy Valentine's Day.