Hidden Brain - The Secret to Gift Giving

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

With the holidays upon us, many of us are hunting for that special something for the special someones in our lives.  It's how we show we care about them.  So why is it so hard to find the right gift?  This week, we talk with researcher Jeff Galak about why the presents we give for holidays and birthdays often miss their mark, and how to become a better gift giver.  If you missed any of the episodes in our recent Relationships 2.0 series, you can find them all in this podcast feed, or on our website. And if you enjoyed this series, please consider supporting our work. 

This is Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedantam. In the gift of the Magi, a short story written by Ohendri and published in 1905, a young husband and wife eat struggle privately with a dilemma. Christmas is coming and neither has enough money to buy the other a gift. Della has only $1.87 saved up. Jim has almost nothing. You probably know how the story turns out. Della sells her beautiful long hair in order to buy Jim a fine chain for his watch, the

most valuable thing he owns. Meanwhile, Jim sells his watch to pay for a set of expensive combs for De la's hair. Each gift negates the other. At the end of the story, Oh Henry writes, the magi, as you know, were wise men, wonderfully wise men, who brought gifts to the babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones, the babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents, being wise

their gifts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication. And here I have lamely related to you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat, who most unwisely sacrifice for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But, in a last word to the wise of these days, let it be said that of all who give gifts, these two were the wisest. Of all who give and receive gifts, such as they are the wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the magi.

In other words, it's the thought that counts. That's a sweet idea, but is it true? Today on the show, modern psychology takes on an ancient problem. Gifts and gift-giving are as old as humanity itself. Over the centuries, humans have used gifts to express love, offer admiration, and obtain favors. New research identifies why the presence we offer for birthdays and holidays often miss their mark. How to become a better gift giver? This week on Hidden Brain.

All of us know what it's like to get a great gift. The kind we receive with pleasure and that we remember for a long, long time afterwards. All of us also remember, well, the other kind of gift. The board game that doesn't interest us. The dashed off last minute bobble. The inappropriate item of clothing. At Carnegie Mellon University, Jeff Gallagher has spent a lot of time thinking about gifts and gift giving.

He has learned a lot about bad gifts. Jeff Gallagher, welcome to Hidden Brain. Thank you for having me. Jeff, I understand that growing up as an American with Jewish, Ukrainian roots, your family put on a big celebration on New York's day every year. Can you tell me what that gathering was like when you were a small child? So we had this tradition where our immediate family, as well as some close friends,

would all gather. And there was a tradition of exchanging gifts. These were typically not your major Christmas-sized gifts, but something minimal that would just kind of fulfill the needs that people have for this kind of gift giving exchange. That was basically the nature of it. Got it. So you were around 10 years old at the time, and on one of these occasions you were presented with a New Year's gift by one of your relatives, what was the gift, and paying to picture for

me of the moment when you received it? Yeah, so I'm roughly 10 years old, and as you can imagine, as a child receiving gifts, there's a lot of fun, right, and getting new things as always joyous. And everybody's going around handing out their gifts one at a time. And I do remember distinctly this family member, this is a distant family member, giving me a pretty large item, which is already exciting. We tend to think large items are going to be great. And upon unwrapping it, I found that it was a tin of popped popcorn. And I had absolutely no idea what to do with this. I mean, it was just the biggest letdown, right?

As a kid, you want toys or candy or something that's gonna make you have a lot of fun. And a tin of pop popcorn, it was just not anything remotely what I was expecting. So to say I was disappointed, it's probably an understatement. I think I was a polite child and I said thank you and we moved on with our evening. But yeah, it was not exactly the perfect gift.

I understand another time you got a key chain from some Caribbean island is one of these gifts. That's right, it was a key chain that somebody picked up as a souvenir on some Caribbean adventure. And it was given to me in this New Year's context exchange, which just doesn't make any sense. I wasn't at that island. I was a 10 year old who doesn't have any keys.

I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with this. But again, you say politely thank you and you know, move on with the evening. So I understand that researchers have studied the effects that bad gifts have on receivers. When you receive that top of popcorn from your relative, how did it make you feel towards the gift giver? Yeah, I mean, admittedly, as a child, I think my feelings were pretty thin.

I don't think I had too many deep thoughts at that moment, but you can imagine very easily that when you receive a bad gift, what it shows is that somebody's not very thoughtful, they haven't considered what the recipients experience is gonna be like. I was pretty disappointed as a kid, kids get over things quickly and so I moved on with my life, but there's a version where that relationship isn't really benefit at all.

And if anything, there's some real harm done. It's a signal that you're not treating the person with respect and thoughtfulness. A bad gift or a gift from someone you don't particularly like leaves you with some obligation to reciprocate. So now you don't just have a bad gift. You're left with the obligation to respond. Can you talk a moment about the role that obligation plays in gift giving

and the effect it has on the relationships between people. Yeah, obligations are probably the single biggest reason that gifts are given in the first place, you know, for Christmas or for a birthday or an anniversary or a graduation. And when you get a gift, it feels like you absolutely have to return that gesture at an appropriate moment. It could be in that same gift exchange if it's a holiday season or it might just be the next birthday that comes up for that person.

And so doubling down on, you received a bad gift, you don't feel connected to that person at all because they've shown that they're not thoughtful. And now you have the burden of actually going out and getting them a gift. Somebody who you probably don't care about, that's a big problem. There's been some work looking at how bad gifts carry

more than just psychological costs. They also carry economic costs back in 1993. The economist Joel Walfogel published a famous paper called the Dead Weight Loss of Christmas. What was the paper about Jeff? Sure, it's a wonderful title to be right, so bleak. But the paper basically says that if I have a hundred dollars and I spend it on myself, the chance that I get myself something that's truly worth $100 to me is very high because I know my own preferences, right?

I know what it is that I want, I know what would make me happy. But if you, Shocker, are going to get me a gift for that same price point, the chances of that matching my preferences are much lower because, well, you're not me. And so the likelihood that you're going to be able to drill into my head and figure out exactly what's going to make me happy is smaller. So there's a loss. But the utility is lower for me as the recipient, because I'm getting something that's less enjoyable. Joel Wallfogel concluded in his paper that, quote, it's likely that receiving a gift will leave the recipient worse off than if she had made her own consumption choice with an equal amount of cash.

I find that holiday gift giving destroys between 10% and a third of the value of gifts. I asked Jeff if his experiences with bad gifts and the obligations they brought with them made him less inclined to be part of the gift giving economy. Maybe this is a broader conversation but I feel like gift giving as an enterprise in our society is really problematic. Think about the burden that it places on gift givers in terms of financial expenses.

The last statistic I saw is that Americans spend somewhere around $800 every Christmas on gifts. That is an astronomical number for a lot of families, but they feel obligated to. They feel like they have to engage in this activity, even if it comes at the expense of their own financial well-being. It's very hard to justify these expenses. I think to answer your question, I do often question my own involvement in the gift-giving exchange. Do you believe that it's time to stop giving gifts altogether? I think it's time for us to rethink the way that we give gifts.

When we come back, it better way forward, understanding how to become a better gift giver. You're listening to Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedantam. This is Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedantam. When big holidays roll around, many of us find ourselves a wash in bad gifts. We may smile and say thank you, but inside we ask, what made you think I would want something so hideous? At Carnegie Mellon University, Jeff Gallagh studies the psychology of gift giving. Jeff, many of us dream of giving the perfect gift, something that is surprising and meaningful

that sends the recipient over the moon. I want to play you a clip of what the perfect gift giving moment looks like in our fantasies. This is from the TV show The Big Bang Theory, where the character Penny, who works as a waitress at a restaurant, gives her neighbor Sheldon, who is a theoretical physicist and a huge Star Trek fan, a most unusual present. Here. Oh! A napkin! Turn it over.

Two sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy. Oh! Oh! He came into the restaurant, sorry the napkin's dirty, wiped his mouth with it. Oh! I possessed the DNA of Leonard Nimoy. So, acquiring the DNA of Mr. Spock himself earned Penny the reaction we all look for when

we give gifts. In reality, of course, things usually don't turn out like this. Jeff, you've studied how and why gift giving goes wrong. And one significant cause of bad gifts is that gift givers and gift receivers are focused on entirely different time frames. What are gift givers focused on? Gift givers overwhelmingly are focused on that different time frames. What are gift givers focused on? Gift givers overwhelmingly are focused on that moment of exchange.

So in the clip that you just played, that moment that Sheldon opens up the gift and sees that it's from Leonard Nimoy, that is what gift givers are trying to optimize on. They're trying to say, how can I put the biggest smile on someone's face, the moment that they open the gift and realize what it is that they have. So what are recipients focused on?

To some extent, they're focused on that as well, but to a greater extent, they're also thinking about the experience of that gift over the ownership of the gift. So when you receive something in the moment, it might make you happy, but does it actually provide you value and utility and joy for the duration of owning whatever it is that you've received.

And sometimes the things that bring you happiness in the moment are not the things that bring you happiness in the long term. So this fundamental difference in priorities of focus on the immediate and the short term versus a focus on the long term produces other mismatches. Tell us about the surprise factor, Jeff. The surprise is something that gift-gvers think is critical to a recipient. Right? So when I give you a gift, I have this belief that you will only value that gift if you don't expect receiving it. And over and over again, we find that that is just not true.

If you think about a choice that a gift giver has, they can either give something that they're pretty sure is going to be a successful They can either give something that they're pretty sure is gonna be a successful gift. It's something that they know that the recipient is gonna receive well because maybe they've told them in the past they like that category of products. But that's not surprising, right? If I tell you that I like baseball cards and you get me a pack of baseball cards,

I mean, that's great, but, you know, I knew that you were gonna get that for me because I've already expressed that preference. And so as a giver, you're reluctant to do that because it minimizes on some of that surprisingness. And so givers tend to think that, you know, making that surprising gesture is what drives a good gift. And that's just not true.

Giver is also seem to care a lot about how a gift is presented. Do recipients care as much? Again, too much less to extent. Certainly beautiful wrapping paper and a beautiful packaging will affect the immediate. But those get thrown out two seconds after somebody opens a gift. And so they're really not providing any long-term value. So it looks like gift seekers are seeking this wow factor.

They care about the moment the gift is given, the surprise it produces, the reaction it elicits. Can you talk about the idea that one consequence of this has to do with our propensity to give gifts that are unusual, dramatic, and luxurious? This often plays out in things like wedding registries. So you have a couple getting married. They probably very thoughtfully consider the items that they need to start their life together. They put that information out there. They tell you, here are the things we want from the stores that

we want them. And then somebody goes off registry and buys them some random junk that they have no need for because somehow that's going to be seen as more surprising and more special. And it's just so counter to the what the couple is actually asking for. One of your co-authors once wrote a paper title, sometimes it's okay to give a blender. That's right. And I take it that recipients in general care less about the unusual and the glamorous. Again, it's not that they don't care about it at all, of course,

but if it's glamorous, but it doesn't actually serve a purpose for someone is almost like a white elephant gift. Like it's more of a burden than anything else. So it's an interesting Jeff that in popular culture, when we have these gift-giving exchanges, give-ers often want to be seen as creative. Can you talk a little bit about this, that part of the motivation of the gift-giver is

to be seen as a creative gift-giver? So this kind of speaks to the motivations that people have for giving gifts in the first place. I think a lot of people imagine that the reason gifts are exchanged is because we're trying to make other people happy. So if I give you a gift, I hope you have a joyous experience with it. And that's certainly part of the reason. But there are also very selfish reasons for giving a gift.

One of them is about signaling who you are as a person and who you are as a gift giver, both to yourself and to everybody around. And so signaling that you're a creative gift giver is important because if I think I'm a creative person Then I want to reinforce that by making sure that I make choices that are creative even at the expense of a recipient And I want to make that signal again to myself, but also to other people around me because it's just part of my identity So you could argue that the height of you know,, uncreativity, if you will, is to give the same gift over and over again. I understand researchers have actually studied

how givers and recipients think of such gifts. So, what do they find Jeff? Yeah, generally speaking, people don't like to do that, right? Because it minimizes the sense that they feel creative. So, if I give you a gift, I'm less likely to give the exact same gift to another friend, because it's going to make it seem like I'm less creative. Or even to the same friend. I mean, you wouldn't give me exact same gift to another friend because it's going to make it seem like I'm less creative. Or even to the same friend.

I mean, you wouldn't give me the same gift next year. Certainly right. Even if it was a great gift, right? So if I gave you a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant, I'm reluctant to do that again the next year, even though you would probably really love that because there's a reason it's your favorite restaurant. So one of the things I think this conversation is highlighting for me, Jeff, is how gift giving can sometimes involve third parties, not just the giver and the recipient.

I'm thinking about settings where other people can see the gift that I have given, maybe at a baby shower or at a wedding, for example. So now my audience is not just a recipient, but all the other people who are going to be watching and evaluating my gift, right? Absolutely. And one of the consequences of that is not only are you trying to give a gift at that point that's beneficial to the recipient, but you want to make sure that you're not one-up. So an example of this and some of the work that I've done is if I give you a bottle of wine, a really well-liked bottle of wine, it's going to make you happy. But another friend gave you two bottles of wine.

I look terrible, right? I look like I'm a cheapskate because I didn't give you happy. But another friend gave you two bottles of wine. I look terrible. I look like I'm a cheapskate because I didn't give you enough. And so I'm very motivated to not be put in that position. And so some of the work we've looked at says, imagine if you had a scenario where you knew that this other person was going to give two bottles of wine, would you spend more to say give three bottles of wine now? And people overwhelmingly say yes.

So, you mentioned a second ago that one of the hidden motivations of gift giving is that it can serve as a means to acquire social approval or status. Do recipients attach the same store by expensive gifts as gift givers do? Not nearly as much as you would think. So one of the big findings in this literature is that, for example, the cost of a gift is expensive gifts as gift givers do? Not nearly as much as you would think. So one of the big findings in this literature is that, for example, the cost of a gift is not nearly as predictive in terms of happiness

of the recipient as people tend to think. And so that translates to the prestige of the gift, as well as the store that you're buying it from. People think the more you spend, the happier the person's going to be, and the evidence on that is very thin. Have you ever received a particularly expensive gift that made you either anxious about reciprocation or just be fuddled about why such an expensive gift was purchased? I've received expensive gifts. I'm very fortunate in that way, but they've always been in context

where reciprocation was not obvious. And this speaks to some of the norms that exist in gift giving that are very nuanced. So one thing that comes to mind is when my wife and I bought our new home about six years ago, my parents actually bought us a retractable awning for our backyard, which is a really expensive gift. That's a multi-thousand dollar gift. It's not something that you would normally get. There was no expectation that I would reciprocate that to my parents. In part because there's a norm that exists, which is that gifting down generations is very different than gifting up generations. And so that was a wonderful gift. We use this all the time, especially in the summer. It provides a lot of shade,

but there's really no expectation that I'm gonna spend spend $10,000 in my parents. So we talked a second ago about how gift giving can be a form of status seeking, and one of these forms of status seeking can involve giving socially conscious gifts that highlight the giver's commitment to a virtuous cause, such as gift to charity made in the recipient's name. I want to play you a clip from the TV show Home Economics, in which a character named Sarah chives her brother Connor for not prominently displaying the gifts that she has given him in the past. So I was looking around and I didn't see those

to bet in soundballs. The ones who got you last Christmas. Oh yeah, no, I never opened this. But it was a gift. It ain't second gifts. You didn't know that? I've been trying to get her there. After you got me that novel about that growing Peru who gets cancer.

Fernandez Miracle. Met bracelet made by genius women. Indigenous women and it was an inklet. I just started tossing your gifts in the closet without unwraping them. You never got me a puppy, did you? They were running low on you. Jeff, what is research found about giving socially conscious presence? I'm reluctant to answer your question because I think socially conscious gifts are, for society,

a wonderful thing, but the research is pretty clear on this that recipients do not value them nearly as much as givers hope they would. So you can imagine scenarios where I might conceive of giving you a gift of value that, let's say, $100 value that is socially conscious, like a donation to it, preferred charity, or a material good that you would actually enjoy. And then the question is, are people enjoying those to the same degree? And the answer is firmly no, right? They would much prefer receiving something that will be useful to them than necessarily

useful to society. There was a commercial some time ago, Jeff, featuring the exercise bike Peloton, and in the commercial, it first aired in 2019, a husband gives his wife an exercise bike for Christmas. A Peloton? Give it up for our first time, right? All right, first ride. I'm feeling the risk, but excited.

Let's do this. Five days in a row. An enormous controversy exploded shortly afterwards. That's our first time, right? First ride, moving the wrist, but excited. Let's do this. Five days in a row. An enormous controversy exploded shortly afterwards. If you remember the ad, can you tell me how the ad unfolded and why it backfired when it came to public reaction? So the ad features a very attractive thin woman receiving

a gift from her husband of a Peloton bike, so this very high-end exercise bike. And she loves it and she documents her experience of using it with her own phone. And at the end of the commercial, she replays the videos that she's taken for her husband to show just how much she appreciates this gift. A year ago, I didn't realize how much this would change me. Thank you. This holiday, give the gift of God. And so I think the backlash largely was just how inappropriate this is to say,

here's somebody who probably doesn't need this in terms of fitness or in health or weight or whatever the goals might be. But the husband is giving it to her to kind of reinforce how important it is for women to have that type of body shape. Mm-hmm. I'm wondering if one reason this ad sort of created such a store is that all of us have received

gifts where a gift giver is trying to change us in some way through the gift. So someone gives you a shirt as a way of telegraphing that they don't like the shirts you're wearing or someone gives you running shoes to tell you that you need to get in shape. Is it the case that recipients can sometimes see through these paternalistic gifts? Certainly. I mean, I think when it's as transparent as the peloton example you gave, I think it's pretty clear what would be happening in that case.

There's examples, you know, stories of people giving diet books or, or, you know, memberships to weight washers. I don't think there's a lot of veiled intent there. I think it's pretty clear what's going on. And so I think people can see through that, absolutely. There's other times, of course, where it's going to be a lot more subtle, your example of a shirt. It might just be a nice shirt.

It might have nothing to do with the fashion choices of the person. Yeah. So in lots of ways, I think what we've seen is that gift givers can sometimes prioritize themselves in the gifts they give. So they want the recipient to be wild, they want the gift to be better than other gifts,

they want to show off their status and prestige. We haven't yet talked about the highest form of such selfishness, and here's a clip to demonstrate it from the Simpsons, in which Homer gives his wife Marge a bowling ball. Hold on, hold on now. Your mother hasn't opened my present yet. Beauty, isn't she? Oh, it's hard for me to judge, since I've never bowled in my wife!

Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does. So the bowling ball is inscribed with Homer's name, and you know, we laugh, Jeff, but we laugh because I think we all know how selfishness can sometimes be embedded in acts of seeming generosity. I think that's exactly right. I mean, I love that clip. It's just a wonderful example

of such a perfectly selfish gift. And people do this. Now, I don't think they do it necessarily to the extent that the Simpsons is portraying, but there are more subtle ways to do this. So for example, if I have a product and I'm considering giving you a similar product, but if let's say higher quality,

a classic example might be, I have an older version of an iPhone and I'm considering buying you a newer version of an iPhone. I'm reluctant to do that because I don't want your iPhone to be nicer than mine. Even though you might very well use that phone well, it might be something you'll enjoy a lot.

I'm not going to do that. It's a selfish decision because I don't want you one-uping me. Gift giving is as old as humankind, but human nature being what it is, people aren't generous just because they are kind and caring. Generosity can sometimes be exercised in ways that are profoundly selfish. When we come back, techniques to be better and to give better gifts. You'll listening to Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedanta. Gifts and gift exchanges are supposed to be about generosity, kindness and caring. But below the surface of these prosocial goals,

like complex psychological forces, many gift givers, consciously or unconsciously, prioritize their own needs over the preferences of recipients. At Carnegie Mellon University, Jeff Gallic studies the psychology of gift giving. He's found that in order to give good gifts, we need to get over ourselves. We need to start by really trying to see the world from the perspective of recipients. need to start by really trying to see the world from the perspective of recipients. Jeff, there's something of a conundrum here. We've all been gift givers and we've all also been gift receivers as well. So we know what it's like to receive a bad gift or a gift that's principally designed to stroke the egos of gift givers.

And yet the moment we become gift givers, many of us forget the lessons that we have learned. Why do you think that happens? It's really difficult to learn, in large part, because when we're in the role of a gift giver or the role of a gift recipient, we don't spontaneously choose to take the other perspective. This is a form of what we call focalism. We focus on the experience that we're in, and we kind of neglect the alternative experience

that might be out there, which would be the other perspective, the recipient or the giver. And so it's very hard to do that. And it's also a little bit disingenuous, I think, of me to just say, hey, everybody should be better, because I have the luxury of running experiments. I can learn what good practices are, because I have random assignment as an experimenter. I have the ability to observe multiple worlds basically

simultaneously. The case where someone is a giver and the case that someone is a receiver. You and I living in the real world as givers and receivers, we can't possibly have the opposite experience, right? If I give a gift, I cannot simultaneously operate as a recipient with all the same constraints around me. It's just not, it's impossible. And so learning under that environment is very challenging because we're constantly being reinforced with whatever conceptions we have as a giver, when we're in a giver state, and the same when we're in a recipient state.

I'm wondering how social norms might also exacerbate this problem, Jeff, when you received a tub of popcorn from your relative, social norms told you, be polite, thank your relative. And so you thank the relative, and the relative presumably goes away thinking, boy, I came up with a really clever gift. Instead of you telling the relative the truth, which is, I have absolutely no idea why you gave this to me, is the constraints that we have in terms of the way we talk about gifts, one of the reasons in some ways that we don't learn what recipients actually like?

I think that's absolutely correct. Giving good feedback is a wonderful thing to do in many, many contexts. And there is a social taboo against giving proper feedback, meaning honest feedback, especially in the case where a gift fails. We're quick to tell somebody that we love their gifts, and that's great. We should reinforce those experiences, but we should also make sure that we tell people

that the gift they gave is not ideal. The difficulty with that is that you're challenging a very established goal of gift giving, which is to make the other person happy. If I now come back and I tell you, actually, you failed. You didn't make me happy. I'm really potentially insulting you. And so we're very reluctant to do that as a society. Yeah.

So your research has identified ways that we can get outside ourselves and perhaps get closer to what recipients are looking for. And perhaps the first insight is to scale back our impulse to show that we can not only read the minds of gift recipients, but that we know things that they want, that even they didn't know they wanted. You know, in a perfect world, I would be able to look into your brain and find out what you're looking for, what you would hope to receive, and then I execute on that.

Of course, we don't live in that world, right? I can't do that. And so as soon as I realize that that's not possible, the next best thing is just to talk to you and understand what your preferences are and to avoid some of the mistakes that we make by mismatching between what it is you want and what it is I think you want. If we can do that, it's not quite mind reading, but it's as close I think we can get. I remember we talked some time ago with the psychologist Tessa West at NYU, and she studies, you know, how we read other people's minds. And her conclusion was really identical to yours,

which is the best way to find out what's happening in someone else's mind is to ask them. I mean, I couldn't agree more. And I think, again, it speaks to the social norms that exist. We've built into our society, at least in our culture, this belief that if I ask you what you want, I've undermined the entire gift giving enterprise. And I think that's a catastrophic mistake that we're making, because all we're doing at that point is saying, I'm going to do my best to guess what you want, and more often than not, we get it wrong. And then you have the obligation to tell me you like it, regardless of whether you do or not. And then I get it wrong. And then you have the obligation to tell me you like it regardless of whether you do or not.

And then I'll never learn and that's exactly right. I understand that you and your wife have developed a method for acting on this research finding. What do you do, Jeff? Yeah, so my wife is also a social scientist and so we're really good about trying to implement some of these things when we can. And the way that we've set up gift giving in our family, at least between my wife and myself, is that we have a Google Doc sheet that we share between the two of us. And whenever one of us has a desire for an item of some sort that kind of exceeds some

minimum expense, we put it on there as a potential gift that we would love to receive at some point. And what's nice about that is when it's time for me to fulfill my obligation to sake if my wife or birthday present, I'm not racking my brain trying to figure out what one of a thousand possibilities would make her happy, she's already told me what's going to make her happy by having this list. And one of the nice benefits of the list beyond just knowing what she wants is it still maintains an element of surprise, except the surprise doesn't come in the form of the object. It comes in the form of the timing of the object itself. So she might know that she wants item X, but she's not going to know that I'm going to give it to her on that particular birthday. And so I get the benefit of being what appears to be a thoughtful gift giver, and I get to be a little bit surprising because she doesn't know when she's going to

get it, and she gets something that she genuinely wants. So everybody wins in that context, and it's been working for us for 12 years now of our marriage, and we'll keep going as long as we can. Have you found that when you get a gift that you have put on this Google Doc, this shared Google Doc, that in some ways you're less enthused about it than if the gift was something that you hadn't thought about, that your wife somehow stumbled on by accident? No, quite the opposite. I'm always overjoyed when I get exactly what it is that I want.

And maybe that's a function of my personality. I'm very particular when it comes to things. I want that model and that version with that feature set for whatever it is that I want it. And maybe that's a function of my personality. I'm very particular when it comes to things. I want that model and that version with that feature set for whatever it is that I'm dealing with. And it would be ridiculous for me to expect anyone to know what those idiosyncratic preferences would be. And so I wanna provide that to her. I wanna be able to tell her,

if you're gonna get me something in this product category, that's the one I want, not the other options. They're gonna make me unhappy because now I'm stuck with those because I can't go and replace them with the one I actually want because that would probably make my wife really upset if I did that. Have you had a gift that you put on this sort of internal registry, I guess, that you really loved? So, I would say the best gift that I've received in a long time is a gift that my wife gave

me several years ago. I'm really into coffee, and she gave me a pretty fancy espresso machine. And again, it hit every mark. It is something that I explicitly wanted. It was the exact model of the thing that I wanted. It's something that I use every single day, multiple times every day, in fact. It brings me a ton of joy because it makes great coffee.

And on top of everything, every single time I use it, I am genuinely reminded of her and of the generosity that you had in giving me that gift. And so it is not in any way undermining the quality of the gift. It's doing the exact opposite. I understand there's also been research on the relative value of gifts that involve material things and gifts involving experiences. Tell me a little bit about this research, Chef. Yeah, there's been a fair bit of work in psychology generally looking at the difference between experiences and material possessions just outside of the world of gift giving.

And what you tend to find in that work is that all else being equal, if you fix things on price, experiences tend to bring more joy to people. And that plays out exactly in gift giving as well. The challenge though, is that gift givers don't understand and appreciate this. So gift givers prefer to give material possessions over experiences, again, all else being equal,

but recipients prefer the opposite. And so there's this disconnect where you'd be much better off giving an experiential gift most of the time, and recipients would be much happier with that, but give giveers again, just like the other examples, they fail to learn that this is something that's valuable. I wonder if this partly stems from the problem we discussed earlier, which is that givevers really care about

the wild factor in gifts. And so if you hand someone tickets to a concert, for example, the wild might come when the person goes to the concert, not at the point in which the tickets are given, whereas if you give something that's a really big, god-y, you know, bobble that can be wrapped in lots of paper, then the wild factor is sort of much sharper at the point at which the gift is being given. Do you think that's connected? I think that's probably part of what's going on there. I think what you wind up finding in an experience is that two things can happen. One is the experience brings people closer

together, but like you point out that might be later on in time, so it doesn't really manifest in the moment. But then even when it's not bringing people together, like if I give you tickets to a show that I don't plan to go with you to, that still has more utility and more value for you. So yes, I agree completely. You're failing to put a smile on the person's face at the moment of exchange, but you're potentially providing a very valuable experience down the road. Have you put this advice to life in your own life? Do you tend to give more experiential gifts now? exchange, but you're potentially providing a very valuable experience down the road. Have you put this advice to life in your own life? Do you tend to give more experiential gifts now?

Almost exclusively. Yeah, I mean, with the exception of my kids who just want more toys, I almost exclusively do gifts. So my wife, her and I are anniversaries coming up and we collectively decided that rather than exchange material gifts, we're going to take a day off of work and spend the day at a nice spa, getting massages and then have a really nice dinner afterwards. And both of us cannot wait to do that. There's no reservation about not receiving something physical or tangible. We really prefer that. And I try to live that as much as I can. Have you tried to communicate to other people, you know, like your parents that you actually prefer, you know, experiential gifts rather than material gifts?

Very much so. So, my parents were tough not to crack. They like giving material possessions, but eventually I've convinced them. And the best gift that they continuously give me is the gift of babysitting. So, my parents don't live in the same city as us. They'll come in every once in a while to see their grandkids. And they've now been offering more than anything else as a gift for a birthday or something else to watch the kids for a couple of days to let

me and my wife go off and travel somewhere. And that's, there's really nothing better that I could possibly have that would be a possession than that gift. So I'm so grateful for it. I understand that givers often avoid presents that have sentimental value because these presents seem less impressive than something that costs a lot of money. How do sentimental gifts sit with recipients, Jeff? Yeah, so sentimental gifts are gifts

that recipients love to have. Because again, if you think about what the function of a gift could be, it is to bring people together. And a gift that has sentimental value, so imagine, you know, a photograph of a time that you spent with a friend, or even something as rudimentary as a token, like a shell that you picked up on a beach after walking with somebody down it as a gift. They have very little material value, right, from a dollar perspective, but they're so special and they act as such

a reminder of the relationship that they're very valuable to recipients. Unfortunately, much like some of these other examples, gift givers get that wrong. And part of that is, gift givers tend to be risk averse when they give gifts. And so if I know for a fact that if I get you a jersey from a football player that you're a big fan of, I know you're going to like that. And so I'm more likely to give you that low-risk gift than the high-risk sentimental gift, where I'm just not sure if that's going to be enjoyable, even though what we find in research is that those sentimental gifts are very, very well received, often much more so than

the sure thing. I understand you once took a trip to Antarctica with your wife and she gave you a wonderful gift afterwards. Tell me about a Jeff. So this was our baby moon. I think people call it. This is the last big trip that we took before we had our first child. And upon returning, I had no expectation of this at all, but she got me this beautiful poster, which was handcrafted by an artist that says, I love you from here to Antarctica.

And the lettering is made up of all the places that we visited on that trip. And so the trip was, you know, it's a trip of a lifetime. It's an absolutely incredible trip to go on. And it's made all the more special that I shared with my wife. And now I have this amazing memento that I look at. It's hanging up very prominently in our home. And every time I pass it, and I notice it, it's a reminder of that wonderful experience and the relationship that I have at, it's hanging up very prominently in our home, and every time I pass it, and I notice it, it's a reminder of that wonderful experience

and the relationship that I have with her. So the cost of that was probably very low. I had to imagine it was $50 or so, but the meaningfulness of it is off the charts. I understand that you have also reciprocated and given your wife's sentimental gifts. Absolutely. So one that comes to mind is when our daughter was born, this is our first child, I had an artisan craft a necklace with three pendants on it and each pendant had one of our names

on it. So it was kind of to signify our family. And again, it wasn't the most valuable gift from a monetary perspective, but my wife really cherished it. And then when our son was born a few years later, I had the same artisan craft, a fourth pendant with his name on it. And so now she has this necklace, commemorating our family. And I know that she loves that necklace quite a bit. And again, it's not because it's got, you know, fancy diamonds or rubies in it or anything like that, far from it. It's a pretty plain necklace, but the sentiment is so very strong.

necklace, but the sentiment is so very strong. One of the important conventions in gift giving is that we often give gifts on important occasions, birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day. Tell me what research has found about breaking those conventions and giving gifts at other times of the year. Yeah, this is probably my all- time favorite and largest recommendation that I can give to anyone listening to this program, which is that if you're going to give a gift, do it what I like to say on a random Tuesday.

The value that people get when they receive gifts on non-occations, so not your birthday, not Christmas, not some other holiday, that value is so much higher on a random Tuesday. And that is because they have no expectations. On a birthday, you know that the people around you are probably going to get your gifts. And so your expectations are actually reasonably high for the quality of that gift to me and Rick see those expectations. But on a random Tuesday, you're just going through your day and joining your life, there's no expectation of anything. And so if someone who cares about you gives you a gift, even a very low value one from

a monetary perspective, you beam, right? And you could imagine it's not that hard to think about examples of this, right? Receiving flowers on a birthday is great. Receiving flowers on a Valentine's Day, that's great too. But receiving flowers from a partner on a random Tuesday, that's amazing. That is an opportunity to show that person you care about them, not just when you're supposed to care about them

on the days we've been told to care, but all the time. And so we find that the utility and the value that receivers get on these non-occasion gifts is just much, much higher than it is for gifts that they receive for special occasions. I suppose that one of the implications of this is that when you have an impulse of generosity towards someone, instead of saying, you know, oh, this is a good idea, I'm going to save it for their next birthday, is just to give them the gift right away. I think that's exactly right.

Now, I think there are probably constraints around that. Some things are just not financially feasible. But that's the beauty of these non-occasion gifts. It does not take a lot of money to make somebody happy. Because again, their expectations at that moment are zero. And so even a token gift worth a few dollars can mean a tremendous amount. And often, even more than a comparably expensive gift on an occasion. I understand that you yourself are given an unexpected gift by a running buddy.

Tell me that story, Jeff. Friendships, new friendships when you're an adult or difficult. I'm sure I'm not the only person who thinks that. And so when you find somebody who you connect with, I think it's really important to foster that relationship. And I don't think I realize that quite as much until this particular friend, I was socializing with him at an event that had nothing to do with my birthday. I don't like to make a big deal out of that. And he learned spontaneously that it happened to be my birthday. And he gave me a survival axe. What is a survival axe? Imagine like a hand axe,

but you could unscrew the bottom and it has a compass in it and some paracord and you can convert it into a shovel and it's the kind of thing where if you were stuck in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, I guess you could survive with it. I mean, I... I mean, he knows I'm an outdoorsy person,

he knows I enjoy camping, so I guess it's not completely out of context there. But I had no expectation of anything. And so he gave me this gift, I think, in part because he cared about me, and that's great, but in part, probably strategically, because it is a way to, in fact, create connection with somebody. And again, the reason that gift landed so well with me at least is because I didn't expect it. If this was a birthday party that I had invited him to, I would expect him to have a gift, perhaps, right? The reason that gift landed so well with me at least is because I didn't expect it. If this was a birthday party that I had invited him to, I would expect him to have a gift

perhaps, right, as many birthday parties do. But this was just a random day that happened to be my birthday. And so he did that, I think, out of genuine generosity and genuine care for the relationship. So in many ways, Jeff, I think what I'm hearing is that being a good gift giver really means putting yourself second and putting the recipient first. And perhaps the ultimate form of selfless gift giving is the anonymous gift. I understand that you've been part of a rather unusual gift exchange for a number of years now.

Can you tell me about it, Jeff? So the website Reddit, which is a popular social media platform, had for years now something called the Reddit Gift Exchange. And it started with an exchange around Christmas. This was the secret Santa gift exchange. And it was quite an impressive feat. So at the height of it, I think they had millions of people logging into this platform,

committing to give a gift to a random stranger who they didn't know much about for the holidays. And they would have also then expect to receive a gift, though not from the same person. And it's usually done with very minimal information. There's a form that people fill out about their preferences and their desires. And I might tell you my age and my gender and maybe some of my hobbies and things of that sort. And there's also an expectation set about the expense that people should undertake there's also an expectation set about the expense that people should undertake.

So if I remember correctly, the suggested spending amount was about $20 plus shipping. And it was wonderful. I did it for years. I never received a truly amazing gift to be perfectly honest. They were all fairly mundane, but it was still really fun because it's this moment where a random stranger from somewhere else in the world

is sending me something for no reason at all, right? There's no expectation of our reciprocity. There's no expectation that I'll ever even really thank them other than in some anonymous fashion. And then they still continue giving the next year. I just think that's wonderful, right? I mean, people really aren't doing this out of obligation. They're doing this because it's just a nice thing to do around the holidays. I understand that you're a fan of the Oh Henry short story, The Gift of the Magi. Yes.

How does that story speak to your work, Jeff? So the story put very simply is that a husband and wife who don't have a lot of wealth are looking to give one another a holiday gift around the Christmas time. And what we know in the story is that the husband really loves his watch and the wife really loves her hair. And so in thinking about what gift to give to one another, the wife winds up cutting off her hair to sell it so that she can get a chain for her husband's watch while the husband actually sells the watch to get a comb or a brush for the wife.

And so the irony there, of course, is that neither one of them can use the gifts they gave, but it was truly a selfless decision to give away their price possession so that their partner can actually have something valuable. And I think it's a wonderful sentiment. It speaks to a lot of people, but I think the major problem with that story is that the whole thing could have been avoided had they just talked to one another. If they had, that's it. In all seriousness, right, if the wife had asked the husband what he was hoping to receive and the husband had asked the wife the same, they wouldn't have been in a position of having two useless items at the end of this and at losing their most precious possessions.

And so this really speaks to a recommendation that I always give, which is just ask. If you just talk to another human being and ask them what it is that might make them happy in terms of a gift context, you're just almost always better off. Jeff Gallic is a professor of marketing at Carnegie Mellon University. He studies the psychology of gift giving. Jeff, thank you for joining me today on Hidden Brain. It was my pleasure. Hidden Brain is produced by Hidden Brain Media. Our audio production team includes Bridget McCarthy, Annie Murphy-Paul, Kristen Wong, Laura Quarelle, Ryan Katz, Autumn Barnes and

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