Historically High - Greek Mythology

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

There was a time when religion was cool. Like when jacked dudes threw lightning and women wielded armor and spears in the heavens and under the waves. When the sun traveled across the sky being pulled by a golden chariot. When people believed in the Gods of Olympus. Greek Mythology has it all, Deities, Drama, Scandal, Affairs, like a lot of affairs, mostly by one guy, and he just so happens to be the main guy Zeus. But before he was trying to nail all of Greece he was the child of the Titan Cronos, who ate all his kids.  Then there's the story of Cronus himself. The legends and stories of Greek Mythology may sounds familiar because they've been borrowed from and adapted throughout history innumerable times, but like all things there is an origin story. Tune in here to see how it all got started. Disclaimer: Zeus sexually assaults a lot of people, we discuss it, kind of a big part of his narrative, just letting you all know. Support the show Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, shit, I was going to use a harp. Or a liar? Yeah, a liar would be cool, too. Either way, I'm sure if you're going to school in Greece, go ahead and take a seat. The liar just played. We're ready to go. This is a very interesting episode for me.

My co-host, I think, enjoyed it a little bit more. He is the... Darth Vader to my Michael Clark Duncan. There's a connection in there. Yeah. You're the pan to my Seder. And I believe you are the Poseidon to my Hades. That's my co-host, Professor Chris.

How's it going, everyone? We are getting mythological today. Greek mythology, would you say that Greek mythology is the most, like, expansive, like, mythology because there's Norse mythology where you get like Odin, Thor, Loki,

all that kind of stuff. You do have Egyptian mythology with Osiris, Ra, all of that. I'm sure there are some other types of worldly mythology

that I'm missing out on. Like ancient China has to have some crazy fucking mythology. That's one thing that I didn't even think of so that mark it down for an episode in the future.

But do you think there's any that like would take this top spot from what Greek mythology is. I think everybody else ripped it off. And I thought, well, I don't know if Egypt, oddly enough, probably didn't rip it off

just because it seems like they kind of grew up at some point too. Yeah. Yeah. But I think that was probably when the Ptolemies came over and they made some connections. But Greek mythology just was kind of the first. I'm sure, actually, fuck me. China had no idea. But

in this kind of central pocket of like Roman mythology or anything like that. There was a lot of shit that was taken from Greece. Greek mythology is, I feel like, kind of the grandfather of mythology, just the way that the characters

that we'll talk about how they may or may not have been created. But it was kind of like the first story that everybody was like, oh shit, this is really intriguing. It was the first almost like widely recognized fiction that became not. fiction after a certain period of time.

And that's, I think, what might be the most interesting thing to me is, like, how did all of this actually, like, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Was this a established religious belief? And then you had a bunch of poets and authors and playwrights catalog, you know, catalog all of this down for, like, what God did what? Or was this just something that started to kind of get some steam and was invented by a couple people? or in certain regions, and then all of a sudden, it got pieced together out of that. I really,

you and I talked about it just back and forth over studying during the week, and I don't know if there's really any understanding of how any of this was founded. Like, when you go back into history and there's concrete things that happen, you can see, like, markers of kind of when these things took place, you're going to find all sorts of relics from that period.

Greek mythology could go back so far I mean it goes back to the beginning of the world We're gonna talk about the creation myth But there's nothing concrete that's tying to it So it could have been created out of Hunter Gatherers had Apollo And had Ares and had Zeus Poseidon hate

No, the Artemis Oh yeah, the god of the hunt Yeah then you talk about Agricultural side farmers had their god They had their, I think it was Athena. Like, she was a god of the harvest. So everybody, when they come together to form mycenae, the city states that would come to form Greece, instead of warring, you're just like, well, you're sure that that works? And they're like, yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

Ares takes care of all of our hunting. They're like, okay, well, he's cool with us. If he helps feed us, we're cool with that too. Okay. And then agricultural, just the same thing. Like, I think that it could have been just an amalgamation of that. But I think it's just as likely that it could have just been somebody like, oh, these sound like I could make some good characters out of. Do you know how I think we're going to make this determination?

Huh. We get into this episode. We really get down to the nitty and gritty on it. That's how it happened. All right. So like everything else or like any recognized religion, and for a long period of time, this was a recognized religion. That's why essentially we know so much about the Greek gods. It all starts with the creation myth.

And the creation myth, you just... just from a creative standpoint is we're going to sound crazy when we're talking about this. We're going to sound higher than we actually are talking and discussing about the things that were essentially drafted and created by these storytellers. And basically kind of how most creation myths, it's in the beginning there was nothing.

And then what came into being was chaos, correct? Yeah, chaos could be a idea or a person. Very fast and loose. The gree, and here's the thing, too, is there's so many different versions and sources. I kind of compared it with Adam to, like, if you have a comic book character, but you have a whole bunch of different story or showrunners or story runners that are doing their own versions of that character. You had these playwrights, poets, authors that were essentially creating different aspects of these gods, but kind of keeping it along the same character, just kind of telling a different tale, I guess.

And so sometimes you get to where they're discussing by a name, a place or a deity or something like that. So they're kind of fascinating, depending on who, what story you're actually sourcing it from. So we get chaos, which essentially is just like it sounds. There's no order in the universe.

And out of chaos, the next one to form would be Gaia. It's fucking crazy that we just had to start this story with chaos. We couldn't have started it anywhere else. Like the Big Bang. Well, technically the Big Bang is chaos, because it's just, if that occurred,

then it's nothing. infinitely expanding matter just watching throughout the universe. Stop doing this. Stop pointing to factual stuff that makes sense that that would make sense. But you have to have a reason why the gods have to come in because they have to create order. I know, but don't make good points. Okay. I think for as much as we've studied this this week, I enjoy some of this to death, but there's other parts where I don't like making connections.

And we'll talk a little bit about... You have to have a healthy suspension. not only do you have to have a suspension of disbelief during this you just almost have to have a sense of humor about a lot of this shit because like there's so much rape this should be a disclaimer

there is so much rape in Greek mythology it's it's I don't know how it made it past like throughout history because there's so much rape it's a I think they probably had an animal on person person person on animal

animal animal a glowing orb on person. It's everywhere. Rain on person. I think maybe this frustrates me more because as a wrestling fan, I know what this mindset has to be to take this in. You just have to do a full suspension of disbelief.

But I know the kind of people that are wrestling fans that can do that. And I know the kind of people that were philosophers that understood that this was a religion. Wrestling was a big thing in Greece. So maybe there was also story. God, do you think? think they had

storylines in wrestling. I think there was a Hulk Hogan of Greece. I don't know. And like no one could dethrone them. Then they're like, hey,

we can make a lot of money and then have a comeback. They, they tanned, they oiled themselves. They love the theater, man. Yeah. They love the theatrical.

Okay, so getting back to it. So we have chaos and with chaos, then Gaia form. So Gaia is essentially the representation of the earth. Yep. She's Mother Earth.

Just think of it in that way. Which it's about to get real weird for mothers. Oh yeah, yeah. Okay, sorry. So not only is there a lot of rape, there's also a lot of family on family action, because you only have a specific gene pool, I guess, that you're dealing with. There's only 10 of them. Yeah. 15 of them.

Well, in the beginning, there was only like two of them. Yeah, true. So along with Gaia, you have what's the creation of this thing called Tartarus. Most people that are familiar, even kind of like, from a cursory knowledge of Greek mythology, Tartarus is essentially like a prison within Hades within the underworld, that's where whoever is currently the ruling God or ruling class of gods at that time pretty much keeps people. And so within Gaia essentially is Tartarus.

And it's going to be recognized again. We're fast and loose with is it a deity or is it a person? And Gaia needs a partner for some reason, I guess to multiply and to make this creation happen. So he gets a guy, his name is Uranus. I'm going to call him Uranus because it's close and I like low-hanging fruit and it's just kind of fucking funny to me. And I think that's actually pretty close to it's pronounced. But he was this male god figure that had sex with Gaia the earth.

And in doing so, they had children, which don't really know how this all works. I don't know where the kid comes out of. Don't know where he sticks it. I bet it's probably a volcano. Marianas Trench style maybe. Maybe. Could be something like that. But the issue was,

is every time one of these kids were born, they were either a cyclops or something that had, what is it called? Hecatonkeries. So these are creatures that are, they have 50 heads and 100 arms. So however you have to scale that in your mind,

I really don't, I mentioned they would have to be huge with a bunch of tiny heads and then arms all over it, I'm really not sure how that would work. Again, it's Greek mythology. Arms would have to be like hair on two arms, just hands and shit.

They mentioned how much damage they could do in battle because they could throw like a hundred stones or something like that. It's like a fucking rock machine gun. So Gaia, along with... I'm going to say Uranus. Either way. Okay.

Along with Uranus, she has two other kids, Pontus and Orea. And so she chooses, I guess, Uranus is the choice for this. So she has to make these offspring with something. And after making the cyclops, which I believe there were three cyclops and three hecatonkeries, you get the Titans. So the Titans, parents, Guy and Uranus. God damn it.

You have me doing it now. It's so funny. So the Titans, you get basically precursor. to what you're going to see when you think of Greek mythology, you know, you have Poseidon, you know, King of the Ocean, God of the Oceans. You have Zeus, God of the Sky, Thunder, Lightning, Hades, God of the Underworld. Oh, we're not there, yeah. No, no, I know we're not. What I'm trying to kind of get across is you have the precursor gods. Oh, yeah. Basically, they just move into their positions. So you have these established gods already. So you have gods like Oceanus. These are the Titans. So these are the male Titans. Oceannis. Coas. Creus, Hyperion, Eapetus And I talked a lot Yeah

And chronos You have the females as Thaea, Themis Numenicy Or wait, mnemonic Okay, so this is where we get the term mnemonic from So it's numosium

Nemosini And again, that's one thing That will probably stop every so often And just kind of go off on attention about Is when we get to certain names We have terms that we still use today that were based upon these Greek mythological stories.

Kronos, that's where we get because he was essentially a god of, I think they considered time to a degree. That's where we get the word chronology, chronological, comes from. So we also have Phoebe, Tithis, and Rhea, as the female Titans.

So you're all brothers and sisters. Well, what are you going to do? Have sex. with each other just repeatedly. Not really in an orgy style, more like a partner on partner pair off, but it was a round robin tournament. I think they said four of them coupled up, and then you had four of them that were just kind of like,

yeah, not for us. We'll wait until maybe some other people come along and then kind of see how that goes. But you have these titans who essentially populate Gaia and are the lords over these elements or these deities. Now, you don't have people at this time. There's really no one that they're ruling over. So humanity doesn't exist.

It has to be created. And that's going to come into play when we get to... Prometheus. Prometheus, correct. So with the pairing off of these Titans, you get Hyperion and Thea. Their child is Helios. Now, Helios is basically the precursor to Apollo. Helios was the original god that had the golden chariot

towed by four horses that would then pull the sun across the sky. So he was the one responsible for the rising and setting of the sun. And that was the myth is that when it was the sun moving throughout the sky, it was actually being hauled behind this fucking chariot by this god Helios.

These are all just explanations to me that you would explain to like a three-year-old. These are explanations to me that a village elder comes up with when like you were saying, they're saying, they're trying to explain and that person thinks they're the smartest and they're like, you know what, I bet it's someone

pulling it. I mean, how else would it move across this guy? It's got to be like the maker. Well, and if you're trying to be the high priest of this village and people need answers to questions and you're pretty creative, you can come up with some shit that's going to blow some people's mind. That's all you had to be, apparently.

Yeah. If you were just creative, you had that extra spark in your brain. So we have iepetus and this kind of non Titan named Climini, Climani, sorry, we're going to butcher these names going through it, so prepare yourself.

And out of that union comes Atlas and Prometheus. Atlas being the, when you see like the guy holding up the world on his back, that's Atlas. Yeah, the Atlas Stones

and Strongman. Didn't Prometheus have a brother? Like, Imitrius? Yeah, there was like the antithesis, like the opposite. I just went for the greatest hits on this because there's be so much to talk about. So yeah, you have Prometheus. Now, Prometheus, do you want to kind of wait to get

into the human creation myth, or do you just want to talk about it now? I think more so he'll fit into there, but just know that he plays a really, really big role. Yeah. You were mentioning Prometheus and Bob. Yep. Before we started recording, if anyone is a, I guess you would consider a 90s kid, Blam on Nickelodeon was all the sketch shorts. It was like, fuck, what was the one I was just talking about with the dolls? Action League now. Action League. The flesh, super strong and super naked.

But Prometheus and Bob was kind of like a claymation short where you had this, looked like an alien, basically. And then a caveman, and he was trying to teach the caveman, all these advancements. And he would end up, like, shooting himself with a ray gun or, like, dropping a rock on his head or some shit. We then move on to Oceanus. and Tethys. Now, out of this union, they banged a lot, because they created like 300 river gods.

Apparently, there had to be a god that took care of every body of water and every flowing river. And this is where we also get the sea nymphs. And this is from nymphs is where we actually get, because nymphs were very, you know, they were sprightly, they were mischievous, a little naughty, little naughty.

They like to have some fun. So that's where we get nympho and nymphomania from. I like just that There's a lot more It feels like dirty words Come from Not necessarily dirty But to describe sexual stuff

The Greeks kind of have that market corner What is Greek mean The slang? Oh gay sex I thought it was just anal I could yeah I guess doing the same sort of You're gonna be gay to have anal baby

Yeah There's so much passion. Is he the entomology of a word? Yeah. Of Greek roots. Yeah. Our language today is shaped by so many of these words.

And Chris has pointed out a few of them, but there's just so many more that we're going to get into as far as even something is Aachnid. I mean, an Araknid is a spider or how it comes about. Like, when we were naming shit, like, King, phylum and all that kind of stuff. Kingdom phylum genus species. They just went straight back to the Greeks.

And they're like, is there anything close to this? Aragnid and eight-legged creature? We need to start pulling from previous cultures. We then move on to Kronos and Rhea. So they were the last pair to team up with their genitals, apparently. And this is where you get the centerpiece of where the, I guess, what you would call them, the recognized Greek gods. The Olympians.

Sorry, that's what they're just called. called the Olympians. You get them coming out of this. So the children of Kronos and Rhea were Hades being the oldest. I'm not sure how the rest of the order win, but it was Hera, Demeter, Hestia, Poseidon. Now, are we skipping the creation myth? No. Oh, man. Oh my God. I can't believe I, sorry. I was, I was stuck on my family tree. This is my favorite part of the episode. I'm sorry, man. Yeah, I was getting way ahead of myself. Here we go. Okay. So we're going to read it's called Theogony. This was something that a guy named Hesiod wrote.

We'll talk about him a little bit later. He's kind of like the, he really put the framework out of sort of like Greek mythology where all this comes from creation myth. And this is actually from some of his works. So, I got to read it because it sounds so flowery and nice. All those who were born from Gaia and Uranus were awe-inspiring children.

and their own father hated them from the beginning. Because they were producing goddamn, uh, one eyes, cyclopses. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And the guys with a hundred arms and 50 heads. You're related. You're going to have a few. You're going to have some misses, man. Um, so first, when any of them was born, he would hide them all away, not allowing them to come up to the light in a hole in Gaia.

Uranus took delight Yeah, he was shoving them back in Nope, don't like this one and just shit shoved it back in there Right back in the post man Just self-funkering He took delight in it In his evil deed

But she, Vast Gaya groaned Becoming more and more crowded within And she pondered a deceitful evil craft Right away creating a class of metal Known as gray adamant We don't know what Adamant is Adamantium Oh!

No way Adamantium So Adamant, comic book fans, Marvel, like Wolverine Man, adamantium closet, it's from Greek mythology. No way. So much stuff has pulled up. We couldn't even sit here and cover the tip of the iceberg of it. She fashioned a giant sickle and showed it to her children.

She spoke words of courage, and though she grieved in her heart, children of me and an arrogant father, if only you are willing to obey, we could take vengeance for evil and outrage of your father, for he first plotted despicable actions. So she spoke, and fear seized them all. No one spoke a word. But then, almost at once,

great crooked counseling chronos bravely addressed these words to his revered mother. Mother, I would undertake and accomplish this action, for I feel no respect for the wrongly called father or father. He first plotted despicable actions. So he spoke and vast guy rejoiced greatly in her heart, set him down, hidden in ambush, putting his hands a sickle with jagged teeth and revealed the whole cunning plot. So, uh, Kronos was the lastborn. Yes.

He was the final child, which I guess kind of makes sense with what he does. Yeah. So the way it's kind of explained in, in this is so as, um, you're in a sense. and Guy are having their children and everything. First come to like the Cyclops, I think, in the hecatoncary. So those just go right back up inside or he hates them. Well, because they're up inside or everything, they also have kind of the Titans or some of the kids are left out.

Kronos, I think is yes, the youngest. And so she goes to the kids and she's like, I can't take any more kids getting shoved up in me. Someone's got to do something here. I can't do it. Someone's going to step up. And Kronis is like, I'll chop off his dick. And so basically she makes this sick.

and I don't know what the scale of this is all supposed to be. The sizing is very, very strange the way they describe everything. Goddick has to be huge too. So she finds the metal to craft the adamant in this crevice of this canyon or something, but it's like within her, I guess it has to be.

It's so fucking weird. I know. So she then hides Kronos in the same crevice. And the whole thing is when Uranus comes to lay with her, That's when... We got some good stuff here. Go ahead. Do more flowery. Then I'm going to do it.

Then he came. Physically, like, walked in. Great Uranus bring the night with him and all around Gaia and his desire for lovemaking. He stretched out and grew longer, all of him and his penis. But his son, from his place of ambush,

reached out with his left hand. With his right, he grasped the vast sickle. That's the sickle that the wife gave him. In his other hand, he grasped. Eurinus's penis With its long jagged teeth And eagerly sheared away The genitals of his own father

He hurled them away To be carried behind him Not without result Did they fly from his hand The drops of blood that fell down Gaia received them all And in the course of the revolving year She bore the powerful furies

And the massive giants gleaming in their armor Holding on long spears in their hands And the nymphs they called The ash tree nymphs All along the Limitless Earth so Uranus's penis blood was soaked up into Gaia. Chopped it all off.

And she grew straight, yeah, straight castration. What they say? They said a root and stem is I think the way to describe it. So part of this, yeah, goes ahead and chops his dad's dick off. And apparently because he was then no longer able to create children, plus, I mean, I'm sure he's got his dick cut off. So he's kind of out of commission. Yeah. That's what allows Kronos because he did the action to basically usurp.

and take over kind of as what you would consider king of the gods at that point. And then they all lived on Gaia. Yeah. And because Uranus is coming over Gaia to lay with her, and he chops it off, you get him toss in the dick onto Gaia, I guess, and once it churns in the foaming waters and everything. It rolls down into the water somehow. And it churns in with the water from, you know, off the, what is it,

the sea near Cyprus and from that bloody balls and dick and everything like that Aphrodite. The goddess of love is created. So out of the horrible act something beautiful happens.

Well, and you got to give it all its beauty when he first cut off the genitals with adamant. I like the genitals was just a word back then too. Oh my God, there's more to this? Oh yeah. We've got to talk about Aphrodite now. He threw them away from dry land into the surging sea, so they floated on the sea's surface for a long time all around. White Frome arose from immortal flesh, and in the foam a maiden grew.

She first drew near the Holy Island of Cythria. From there, she came to Seagirt, Cyprus. A revered and beautiful god emerged. Everywhere grass grew beneath her slender feet, foam-born goddess. well garlanded Greek city I can't pronounce so gods and men alike call her because she was formed in foam

but also Cythera since she came past Cythra again a lot of weird repeating There's a lot of like these towns are only in the same You got Citharia Cythira Cythra Cypregnia This is all in Cyprus apparently

Since she was born on waved-washed Cyprus And Philanimius laughter loving because she appeared from the genitals. Aros accompanied her and lovely desire followed. When first she was born and as she entered the company of the gods. So this is Aphrodite's coming of age from, it was like Aphrodite was his last nut and somehow he impregnated the ocean and then Aphrodite came.

It's guy technically, so I guess that's what it comes away. I didn't even think about it that way. That was just the reproduction, I guess. How did the other Titans get created? Something probably similar. Probably didn't get his dick chopped off and tossed into the sea. But imagine you're back in ancient Greece, and you don't know anything. I mean, because nothing's really been explained to you.

You just kind of know what the people smarter than you've been telling you, and you sit there and you're reading this, and you're like, oh, man, he chopped his dick off? Well, I mean, he had to. And it threw the dick in the water, and then it became the goddess of love. I'm not swimming. Well, I guess you make love with your dick. And so the dick would make the gossip. Yeah, I mean, it all checks out.

So, Kronos takes over. Now, there comes a prophecy from Gaia and Uranus. And he's still, God damn it, Uranus. He's still alive. He's just like, basically now he's in the old folks home. And he's pissed off at Kronos. And so he basically tells Kronos along with Guy. He's like, listen, same things.

going to happen to you, man. One day, you're going to piss off your kid, and you'll be lucky if he just dethrones you and leaves you with your genitals. But he might take him both, and I hope to God that he does. So, Kronos is like, fuck, he's probably right. I need to watch out for my genitals here. So as him and Raya start having kids, as soon as Raya has the kid and hands it to him, he's like, nope, not going to happen, and basically just swallows the kid.

Like cookie monster, just as soon as he gets the cooking, num, num, num, num, num, num, no, num, no, no, no, no. Swallows them whole, so they're still alive in giant Kronos' stomach. And the first six that I was in, well, swallows the first five. This is where you get what are going to be known as the founding Olympians, Hades, Poseidon, Herodemeter, Hestia. And at this point, kind of feeling like Gaia did, when Uranus kept cramming all the kids back up inside her, she's like, stop eating my fucking children, man.

Like, I keep having to make these things, and then you're just fucking scarf them down. So she's pregnant with Zeus She goes to I think Crete And that's where she actually has Zeus And basically leaves Gaia And a bunch of like Ocean they call him oceanids and sea nymphs to raise him

He's basically raised in like a whorehouse Which I think comes back into play We're still moving past some beautiful stuff here Okay go ahead But when she was about to give birth to Zeus Father of the gods and men she implored her beloved parents, Gaia, and Starry Uranus. When somebody moves on to a different place, they always put like a starry in front of them

or like a Hades in front of them if they go to the underworld. Like it's kind of like a second generation, like they were, or not second generation, but like they were removed from the story, but they were just in a different place to devise a cunning plan so that she could bear her beloved child unnoticed. And the furies of her father could exact revenge for the children. crooked counseling chronos swallowed. They listened eagerly to their beloved daughter and obeyed.

They revealed to her all that was fated to happen concerning chronos, the king and his stronghearted son. They sent Likos in the rich community of Crete when the time came for her to give birth to her youngest great Zeus. Amens Geyer received the child from her to

raise and keep safe and broad. Carrying him through the swift dark night, she came first to Likdos, taking the child in her arms, she hid him away in a deep cave beneath the hiding places of holy earth on the forest-covered mountain of Agion. Wrapping a large stone in a baby's blanket, Rea offered it to Uranus, wide-ruling son, king of the earlier gods, taking it in his hands, he put it down inside of his belly the vile fool. He did not think in his mind that in place of the stone his son remained for the future,

untroubled, undefeated, soon to overpower him and deprive him of his honor and rule among the immortals. You think at that point he just eating so many kids That she was just like by the fourth kid She was just like here and he didn't even think about it He's like oh he's like just doing something else He's like oh hey another kid okay and just like swallows it So I guess From maybe a different poet

I had heard that part of the reason why He snuck in there and slammed down The baby so quick Was because he had walked in he had seen Ray Was swaddling it already And holding it close and forming a connection And he's like well she really hates it I eat these kids and I don't know if I want her to get real close to this one.

Like my kids fresh out of the oven. Yeah. Yeah. So he just ran over and grabbed it and ate it and just like down to the hatch and looked at her. He's like, hey, sorry, you know the rules. You know I had to do this. So over the years, Zeus essentially, you know, grows up in hiding and everything raised by Gaia. And because Guy was essentially kind of in on this prophecy along with Uranus was like, hey,

your kids are going to overtake you. Plus, it's her grandkids. She's like, quit to eat my fucking grandchildren. So, Zeus basically gets a trick, either from Gaia, and learns how to make something, it's like mixing mustard with wine. And basically it's supposed to cause a... I imagine why it would cause nausea,

but it's supposed to cause you to fucking throw up. I could imagine mixing mustard or whatever they had for mustard back then with wine. Zeus's first wife was... Zeus's first wife was it was a Titan Medus. Yeah, Medis was the one that gave him the potion. Okay.

To give to, well, in what I read, he gave, or she gave him the potion, and they were already hooking up together. So it was like uncle, or aunt and nephew. Yeah. So that was pretty weird, but she was in on this whole plot too. So he becomes, through like a series of disguise and deception,

he becomes a cut bearer to Kronos. and basically the cup bearer is the one that like fetches at your food and your drink, they're supposed to be testing it out for poison. So anything that you get from them, you're going to be like, oh, you're already tested and you checked it out. So he ends up getting Kronos to drink this fucking mustard wine and basically causes him to throw up

all of his other siblings, fully formed, now adults, because they all grew up in there and other gods. They don't need food or apparently air or anything like that. They were just all five of them just hanging out in Kronos's stomach plotting their fucking revenge. This is where the scale really takes a turn and does not make sense land.

It hasn't, it has at this point. Well, I mean, adult gods growing up inside of somebody's body and nobody was like, what the fuck's wrong with your stomach? Someone just threw a dick in the ocean and made a lady. Yeah. And you're sitting here upset about these stomach stomach kids.

You justified it though. You kind of made sense. Okay. So now that they're loose, well, the prophecy's got to fulfill itself and these guys are pissed off. So, the original Olympians go to war with the Titans. And because this is primarily like

Kronos versus his kids type fight, you do get some of the Titans, and there are 12 of them, you do get some of them that are kind of stepping back and not really participating in this and they're just kind of being like, hey, this isn't really our fight. And you get other ones that are legitimately fighting than other ones that are like,

fuck Kronos told me I had to fight. Well, and then Zeus, in an homage to his grandmother, Gaya, goes ahead and releases the same thing, Cyclops is that his grandfather had imprisoned and then his father had kept in prison because I guess he didn't like him either. So yeah, so it's kind of a stillmate at this point between the Titans and the Olympians. The Titans, you know, they said each kind of successive generation of these gods were a little bit weaker than the previous ones. So you see where they have to try to gain

advantage because they're always kind of overtaking each other. So, you know, you had to have basically Kronos used trickery and his mother building him a weapon to cut off his dad's dick. So Zeus, yeah, he does free the Cyclops and he frees the hecatonkeries. And by releasing the Cyclops, they were essentially like the craftsmen. And they, you know, forged all like the weapons and things like that. They were masters of smithing. So they're the ones that actually build him his thunder and lightning bolts and build the weapons for the Olympians. built a trident for Poseidon that could control the oceans and could also maybe cause earthquakes because he was also the god of earthquakes and then also the helm or helmet of darkness.

Hell yeah. For aides and that would make him invisible, correct? Uh-huh. Okay. So designs him for the big three. You get then what's called the titanamaki. Is that how you pronounce it? Yeah, it's typhonamaki.

Yeah, titanamaki. Basically, it's Titans versus Olympians. And you get into a 10-year war between the Titans and the Olympians. And basically, once they release the 50-head, 100-arm guys, it turns the tide because you've got, like you said, these fucking boulder machine guns. Super strong cyclops is on your team. And they're basically able to take Kronos and the Titans that fought against them. And I believe they imprisoned the Titans in Tartarus. so basically the place that

Uranus like to God damn it man Uranus like to lock people away I'm gonna be glad when we get to get away far enough that I don't have to mention this guy would lock away the people he didn't like same thing with Kronos he would lock away the people he didn't like

and Tartarus well now they're locked in Tartarus and Zeus is like you know what we're gonna switch things up Hecaton Crees you're gonna be in charge of guarding Tartarus so now you get to step outside the bars

and play warden The prisoner has become the guard. Yeah, the prisoners have taken over the prison. So as the Olympians win, they're now the prime deities in Greek mythology. Atlas, who was the second in command, is at this point made to fulfill what you know the Greek mythology with Atlas is, is he's forced to hold up the sky in the heavens. So he's basically put, I don't know how they symbolize it, like put somewhere underground, or he's put in a location.

Maybe they said he was even near the Atlas Mount. mountains in Africa, which is why the mountain chain is called the Atlas Mountains. And that was him basically holding up the sky in the heavens. And that's what he was essentially punished to do with for the rest of eternity. Yeah, that's it. There's so many things that they think of to explain shit. And that's where I keep coming back to was these people had questions. And the guy that wanted to be the smartest guy in the room was like, well, the sky's up there because Atlas held it.

up there. Who's Atlas? Fuck. Atlas was this guy that came before Zeus and all of them. Oh, okay, so was he like his dad? No. His brother? Yeah.

Was his dad? Oh, what was his name? Fuck. You know what? It's getting late, guys. I'll tell you about tomorrow night. And the guy has to go back and basically write a whole bunch of back story for all of these, all these gods.

So now we get. get to kind of the main part of it where it's the rule of the Olympians. This is kind of the stage where Greek mythology kind of, I feel like this is what came first when they were getting all this stuff established. And then they established the backstory with Cronos and Uranus and Guy and everything to kind of give it a starting point and figure out how these people came into being. So, yeah, the ones that kind of started Zeus, Poseidon, Hades, Hera, Demeter, and Hescia. Obviously, Aphrodite is in there because she is down on Earth after being made out of Granddad's dick.

You also get some people added in there as well. For the 12 Olympians, you get Athena, Artemis, Apollo, Ares, Hephaestus, Hermes, and kind of in an interchangeable position. Sometimes you get Hestey and then sometimes you get Dionysus. Got to go with Dionysus. 100%. They find out of my way would be dinises. So,

before we get into those guys, we kind of got to talk about where all this shit came from as far as the poets go. Before we jump into that, let's hit the bathroom real quick. Well, hey there, all you sexy historians,

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Len we're back All right So to break this down It's kind of a A collaborative effort here Of all of these different Greek philosophers I don't even call them philosophers writers Poets

Poets I still have a hard time Thinking of the Eliad and the Odyssey As epic poems They're their books Oh yeah Yeah For some reason I always have to think poems

Have to have a rhyming element to it It's some sort of a scheme to it, but I think there was because there's like iambic pentameter and it was a way of speaking kind of in a cadence. Yeah, I guess that is true. So basically along comes Homer. We did an episode on the Eliad and the Odyssey. If you haven't listened to it, go back and check that one out. Basically, that provided a lot of introduction and insight as to the relationship of the gods. One of the main characters, I think, within the Odyssey is Poseidon, because that's the whole point.

where Odysseus is coming back from the Trojan War and through pissing off Poseidon in some way, he gets taken off course and then runs into all the adventures and yada, yada, yada, go back and listen to that episode. Well, there's so many different factors in the Iliad and in the Odyssey where we kind of see, and listening to the episode, we'll kind of explain it better, but Apollo will jump in on one side.

and he was like the patron or as it's stated to be he was like the patron of Troy so when that happens they go into battle and you kind of see a little bit of like the drama that there was in the god world yeah as far as trying to almost run human beings like they are little chess pieces and so you get kind of a feeling for who's friends with who who's on the side of who kind of just how they look at human life like they are just a game that they're playing. Like, yay, my city won. My city beat your city.

And going into that, the Trojan War were pretty sure happened. And I believe it's northwest Turkey around the sea, around the Aegean. There's a city that through just kind of going through and excavating the city, they found that it's been sacked and raised like 10 times. He was born maybe around 850 BCE.

Homer. Homer was, yeah. They said that his works were recorded like 200 years after the Trojan War. So we're talking about 1,000 BCE. They went through, checked the data. They said, hey, there actually was a war that happened here right around that time. So it sort of lends a little bit of a nod to the Trojan War being real. and Homer having like a semi-understanding through oral tradition of what's going on.

That's not saying because some of these places, because it was such a big thing with the Trojan War, there had to have been documented, you know, documents about it. Like, you know, storytellers or scribes, whoever you want to, whatever they were back then, keeping those records for the kingdoms that won or the territories that won, so for like Sparta and everything. You then have Homer that comes along and is like, I can just jazz the fuck out of this. I'm gonna punch this up. And just grabs that information, which was probably not a very good read. And it's basically like, let's add some fucking spice to this.

Yeah, you get guys like Achilles, you get guys like Hector. The idea of an Aristia where you can have certain characters on the battlefield who were really badass that day and killed a lot of people, got a godlike spirit inside them that made them unbeatable in war. Yeah. It's like a fucking murderous angels in the outfield situation. A lot like that, yeah. And so there's just so much where I think he did go through.

And an event that definitely could have happened, that there was some concrete evidence did happen. He probably put his own spin on it. And that's where we get a lot of fun stuff out of that. Homer's works were the first works known to be published in all of Western literature. The only thing that was really published before that was something called the Epic of Gilgamesh, which we'll do an episode on eventually. It seems kind of cool.

But to know that Homer was kind of the first entrant, and he did start to bring Greek mythology from oral tradition onto paper, it just starts to bring into picture this start of mythology. So coming in after him, you get this guy, Hesiod. He lived around 700 BC. He lived in, is it? Bresha. Bresha.

Yeah. He was a farmer, so essentially self-taught to be able to write. and he wrote The Marvelous Works. And then, so, sorry, what you ever read up there? The Marvelous Works in days. And what it did was, it was like the most detailed recounting of the daily life of a farmer in ancient times. So all of the seed planting, how they would do things with the seasons, anything like that. This guy's providing perspective into ancient Greece of how the agricultural industry worked.

That's a pretty big picture to paint that we, probably use a lot because he, this guy was a poet, but at the same time, he was a farmer that went out and worked in the fields. That reminds me of, just hearing about that reminds me of on Parks and Rec, the guy that that makes the book called Organize It. And it's the one about organizing your office swim in, but then he writes the second book, which is Organize It Too, but it's basically a Scientology myth that has like a lizard king in space and everything.

That kind of just makes me think of that is you have this farmer that basically also writes this book on farming in ancient times but then also doesn't he write poems that include the gods as well? Yeah, because he wrote the theogyny, the one that we just read. Correct, that's right. So yeah, then he's like well, my next work is going to be a little different.

It's going to be a bit of a deviation from the farming book you guys are used to, but I think you'll still really dig it. It's going to have this guy lopping off this other guy's dick and thrown it in the ocean and then a hot, sexy woman's going to appear. I've read this like, wow, he was right. This is really different from the marvelous works and days of an agricultural engineer. That was like you have the women sitting in bed reading.

And it's like, what are you reading it? And she's like, just an organizational book. Why you look all flushed? I mean, I just really like organization. It was ancient, it was ancient 50 shades degrees, what it was. So yeah, the the theogyny, which he wrote after the marvelous works in days, was just that. It was the birth of the gods. It described the origins of the Greek gods.

He also wrote something called the Shield of Heracles, which, Spoiler alert Heracles is Hercules, just the Greek version of it. In his expedition, it was him and someone named Lolas. Eolis. Eolis. Eolis. I only know that because of the fucking Hercules show. Oh, okay.

Yeah, against Aries Sun Sinus, or Sinus. So you have him kind of dipping his toe into beyond Greek gods and into the hero world. not getting into the hero world, those can kind of be episodes in and of themselves, because there is a lot about those that kind of everybody contributed to, or at least some points of it. But he's even gone from, like I say, creating Greek gods, the creation myth, all this other crazy shit, to now he's like, well, I got to write about some other cool things, and I kind of push this god thing as far as I could. Let me work the other end of it. Well, and kind of like you had mentioned before we were talking about it, with his viewpoint being outside the

aristocracy being more of a common person. He had that viewpoint of how the common man viewed the gods. And how they would look upon, you know, a successful harvest and who they would pay homage to, you know, for that kind of stuff. There were no sponsorships from local companies. Yeah, exactly. So there was that purity to his poems. Coming in after him, you have this guy named Aesop.

Esop. Aesop's Fables. Isop. Is that where that comes from? Yep. Okay. This is him. This is the guy.

This is the guy that talks. about he gives us all like the uh... God I What the fuck are they called? Like turns of phrase Early bird catches the worm type stuff Oh

I can't think of the term for that It's a saying Yeah But ESOP Maybe live Maybe it was real Maybe wasn't Maybe there was just a big think tank

Behind what ESOP did Uh his story was that he was a slave and a storyteller. He lived in ancient Greece between 620 and 564. His fables weren't written down for 300 years after he was born. So, I mean, you can probably say that maybe it wasn't always true. Well, yeah, well, stuff's always going to kind of get lost in time. One of the guys he really introduced and spoke extensively on was Hermes.

Hermes is the messenger of the gods. And once we get into the actual great gods, we'll kind of get into who was related to how to who and how these people came about. But Hermes is the guy that you would think of with like the wings on his boot that was like the, you know, running back and forth. He was the UPS of the gods. And also the gift of speech that was presented from ISIS. Now, ISIS was a god initially taken from Egyptian culture as well and co-opted and brought into Greek mythology. So, you know, a lot of these writings might pull like we've been talking about. And I don't know if I mentioned why I think this is so fascinating.

This is essentially a created story that may have taken factual deities that were being worshipped in different areas, but then made them so cohesive that it was such a recognized religion that these cities were either being named or having gods created after their naming, but then developing these temples and monuments. and statues and everything to these fictional characters that were actually created previously by men, but at the same time could then be justified, be like, no, these are just the first guys to write it down. These things actually happened. These guys were just the first people to get it. I've heard these stories are true. Well, we're talking about the same guy in ESOP that was talking about all this stuff and talking about Hermes and all that. Also, the guy that created the tortoise the hair. So slow and steady wins the race isn't one of Esop's fables. So we literally have this guy talking about Greek gods and then we don't really mention that, but we always preach slow and

steady wins the race. Same guy. Same maybe think tag people, but like we've accepted him into certain parts of modern culture without realizing that he also did this stuff too. So to me, if Isop was a real person or not we've kind of accepted other things that he said as far as going along with those kind of life advice type things

so maybe he wasn't too bad about gods Escalis will be our next one he's known as the father of tragedy which makes a ton of sense that he wrote about the gods because a lot of its tragedy probably a real person, most likely a real person, but he may have lived.

Not too tragic for the gods, mostly for the victims. Yeah. The humans that are the victims, that's where the tragedy comes into play. He lived between 525BCE and 455 BCE. So as we started out, 850 maybe for Homer, we're starting to move down and get closer to modern day. These guys are still writing these stories. Like the story is still evolving. We're getting other tales and other poems about these certain gods.

It's like now we're getting specific about shit. Dude, it's the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Yeah? As soon as they found that a couple guys were popular, all of a sudden they're like, let's create some new guys. Let's go ahead and tell the backstories of maybe like the lesser known gods. Or if gods don't have already an established backstory,

there's something we can juice up a little bit. Let's go ahead and do that. Well, it's kind of a shame. because he was believed to have written about 90 plays, and only seven of them have survived, which is a really big issue with so many of these people, because Homer, we have the Iliad and the Odyssey. There's a couple other writings,

but we lost a lot of his stuff. And if the Iliad and the Odyssey were that great, what else was he writing? What else, what other information about Greek mythology would we be getting? You got to keep it all together. We only had to keep track of two. Two of Homer's works. They were just big and fucking thick.

You got to keep it just put all those 90 plays and do greatest hits. Yeah. Give them all together. So his biggest probably was something called Prometheus Bound. It's a play that was based on Prometheus creating, protecting, and giving life to humans and defiance of Zeus, which is a really, really fascinating story just as how it worked. I think you were talking about that a little bit earlier. So, yeah.

So with Prometheus, basically the story behind Prometheus is he is, I'm trying to, I'm trying to to find out real quick how he is like actually related because I want to say that prometheus is actually a titan correct yeah I believe he was like Zeus's uncle yeah he was one of the ones that kind of took a step back that wasn't in Tartarus though um so prometheus actually creates he forms the first human in the image of the gods out of mud or out of clay and then he uses another one of the gods I think brings life to Aphrodite. Aphrodite brings life to it. So this is worth. One of the A's. One of the A's. There were a lot of Apollo Ares.

There was a lot of them. So one of those two then brings it to life. And this is the creation of humanity. Now, because essentially there's no light, you know, where we're living in everything like that, we're living in caves. And Prometheus is trying to get us out into the light. So he takes and introduces fire to us.

Now this isn't the Prometheus stealing fire from the gods yet. We initially had fire that was provided to us by Prometheus. Now, Zeus is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't like this. I don't like these guys having fire. And he's like, well, he's like, what we can do is because they're going to be having fire, they're going to start bushering animals and everything. They can do offerings to you. And I'll even let you pick what your offerings are going to be.

So what he did is he took a bunch of the actual, like, usable means. from the cow and he wrapped it in the cow's stomach. So it just looked like the cow's stomach. He then took all like the bones and the hide and covered them in all of the cow fat and presented them to Zeus. He's like, which one do you want? Zeus is like, apparently fat was the shit back then. So Zeus looks at this one, all the fat and all the fucking tastiness.

And this is like, this is what humans will sacrifice to me going forward. This was like his selection of what he's going to be receiving in human offerings. you know, for the remainder of time, whatever it was going to be. Prometheus bait and switched his ass. And so then Prometheus is like, okay, this is yours, and basically pulled the woolover's eyes,

and humanity was then able to have the meat and the sustenance to essentially propagate and, you know, grow. Well, Zeus was like, good luck cooking that fucking meat, and he fucking took the fire back. So we had this meat, and you could only eat raw meat

for so fucking long. So Prometheus is like, okay, I'm going to sneak in. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Sneaks in, um, steals the fire back. Um, some things he either stole it from like the flame of Olympus. Some say it was like from one of Hephaestus's forges, but basically then it steals fire and gives it back to man.

Now, somehow, is there a no take-backsy rule after two times? because Zeus wasn't able to take fireback at that point. Maybe he just got tired of getting beaten by Prometheus. I think there might have been some type of clauses like, uh-uh. It's like a white elephant type thing. Can't triple stamp, a double stamp. Exactly. So as he couldn't punish humanity and take it back,

he then punished Prometheus and basically bounce Prometheus to a rock and every day sends an eagle, which is one of the representations of Zeus to eat his liver out day after day and what would happen is at the end of the day when the eagle leave the liver would grow back the wound would heal over. He's a god, he can't die.

Yeah, and it would start all over the next day. So that ends up, that's what ends up happening, that kind of sets the tone for what happens when you cross a lot of these gods. Yeah, vengeance is swift and it is brutal. As far as like plays and things like that go, he was the first person that they think introduced a second actor to the stage of plays,

which prior to, can you... This is why I think this shit had to be exciting in the first place. It was because if there was one guy on stage during a play just reading shit out, like just reading a poem, it had to be spectacular to catch people's attention. When you start bringing a second guy on stage and you can start having dialogue between two characters instead of just one man reading it,

holy shit, the game has changed. Oh, yeah. You're getting a full story. story now where it's just back and forth. Someone had to introduce that and been like, what if, what if we have two actors on the stage? Like, you're a fucking madman! Get him out of here!

All of a sudden, instead of having to do 12 voices, you only had to do six. Yeah. It just, so crazy how that would have changed everything. Next, we have a gentleman named Pindor. How'd he die? Huh? How'd he die? Explain how he died.

So, I mean, for all the talk that I had just done about how he did a lot of things. Yeah, his ending didn't really end well. A little bit of unceremonial. Allegedly, a turtle fell from the sky that was being carried by an eagle and bashed him on top of the head and killed him. Who's controlling the Eagles? Yeah.

If this whole thing is about fate and what the gods can do, I feel like maybe he got some stuff wrong because his fate slated by the gods was taking a turtle via air to the skull. An air turtle to the head. Not great. All right. So now we get to Pindar. Pender.

Yep. Greek poet from Thebes. He lived from 518 BCE to 438. and his best preserved work of the nine canonical, lyrical poets. So of like the nine guys that really hammered down hard, his stuff is the most preserved. We have the most of it. He was actually very close friends at Thescalis.

So I imagine that's a situation where you have two guys who are pretty good at writing things, maybe bouncing ideas off of each other. You got to imagine that that's what happened. It's like, let's just make sure we're not overlapping on our characters, we're not overlapping on our stories. Yeah. And what if we like,

what if your guy shows up in one of my things and my guy shows up one of your things? Crossover. Yeah. A lot of his focus of the poems told the stories of the interactions between the gods and the humans, which I think is super duper important when it comes to mythology

because the god to god stories are pretty interesting. But when they go down and start interacting with the human beings, it's just on a completely different level. It's the same. It's being, able to be like, oh my God, like that could happen to me. Yeah.

Like that puts the people listening to these stories into a relatable position. Like, I can't relate to these godly battles, but I can relate to the impact that like, oh my God, is that why we didn't have a harvest this year? Because it says in here, you can't piss off the god or there's a famine. Yeah. Or how do you explain it? You know, you have to be able to explain it somehow. For as much as we learn from old Pindar, I feel like he might have been full of shit too.

He claimed to have met Persephone as she came to him in a vision And asked him why he didn't write more about her Supposedly he's like, okay, well, I'm gonna write some shit And then I'm gonna run into you again, I'll give it to you He ends up dying between these two meetings But it was like a family member who had said two days after Pindar had died He had actually told her some of the poetry about Persephone So again, sort of wacko, a little bit crazy.

Not in comparison to everything up to this point. No. No, certainly not. Sophocles, 496 BC was sort of the time that he lived around. He was a priest who may have written around 120 plays. Again, we only get seven of them. But he wrote about the gods as the stories were without any bias. So it wasn't... Describing the events as they have.

It was very clinical. Like a Walter Cronkite just providing the acts of the news. I'm Suffolkles. Which I think is pretty important because if you can see things, there's certain ways to maybe make it more believable if it's written in such just a straight along the way manner. He added a third actor to plays. And when you add a third actor to plays,

all of a sudden shit changes, again, 300% instead of just the 200%. his big writing was a little poem called Oedipus Rex and Oedipus Rex is the story of how the Oedipus Complex came to be I actually did a project on this in high school For what class?

It was for like Honors English or something Okay I could see that So not on the actual Oedipus Complex But on the story Okay Correct. On the actual story of Oedipus.

Yeah. I remember I had this thing in high school where we would be assigned these projects and I would want to do them as video projects. Yeah. So we would actually just like all be wearing our normal clothes would be acting out like the instances of this. So yeah, the story of Oedipus just in a nutshell is there is a guy atopis. He is born to a king and queen. He is somehow absconded with or like sent away as a kid. He then grows up.

He ends up meeting the king. it at crossroads, doesn't know it's his father. They get into an altercation. He kills him. He then goes back. He ends up marrying the queen, who he has no idea is actually his mother. And once he finds out, I think she kills herself and he stabs his eyes out with like the broaches

from her hair. Yeah. And then he is sent, like he's banished after everyone finds out that he was fucking his mom. Real interesting story. Just that it's so totally Greek. Like if you had to ask me who wrote Oedipus Rex, I would have probably said a Greek.

name without knowing just because it sounds so... But it's very on point for the whole point about like the gods all interming with family and everything. It's like, well, this wouldn't be too crazy. Is it just written to be another relatable point of being like, fucking your family? People do it too. Also something that struck me with it is there is the Sphinx riddle inside of Oedipus Rex. And that kind of made me.

wonder when the sphinx was introduced into Greek, like, writing and like Greek understanding. Because would they have seen one in Egypt, or was this something that they had created in their own mind? Here's the thing. So the sphinx is technically a mythological character. I think the reason they did a sphinx is because whoever the pharaoh was, I can't remember what his name was that commissioned it. but I think he there was some debate correct I know but whoever commissioned it I think they knew of the character of the sphinx and then had that maybe designed I don't know or if it was designed as something else I think is we kind of talked about if it was originally a regular size lion or like something like that and then when they got down there because they were Roman from or Greece and everything like that whoever was down there was like You know what? We could probably carve that into a sphinx

because they knew of that character for mythology. Yeah, I just... There has to be some type of crossover or... There's no way that you come up with a sphinx in two different cultures without having some knowledge back and forth. I think you're absolutely right. It just blows me away.

So those are some of the guys that really kind of helped us understand Greek mythology a little bit more and kind of gave us Greek mythology. I just had a thought. The sphinx usually has wings. so I don't know if that would ever come into play for the argument of saying that if that sphinx was supposed to be originally carved as a sphinx and they knew what the sphinx was

there technically should have been wings on it or even folded up wings on its back or didn't have the material or it wasn't designed like that and it was actually a fucking tiger or sorry a lion really and because when they recarved it all they had stone for was space to carve a smaller head out of it they couldn't add any stone to it.

Yeah. To make wings. Yeah. Either way, it's just so fucking fascinating that these things show up and they're, they seem like they're so far away, but they're so goddamn close. Greece and Egypt are not that far away. No, no, just literally like right across the Mediterranean. That's, you know, and who controlled that whole area the entire time? Greece.

Yeah. So now getting down to it, we're going to start discussing the Olympian gods and kind of the more, well-known, more mainstream Greek mythology. So I think we got to start with the big dick in the room. I think we've got to start with Zeus. Yeah, Zeus was the king of the gods. He was the ruler of Mount Olympus.

He was the youngest son of Kronos and Rhea. Technically, probably the justification on that is that he was the most powerful because he was not in the stomach the whole time. He was able to essentially grow and learn from Guy and stuff like that.

Yeah, I guess he was trained. Yeah. And I think the other thing is he probably just was like, hey, I freed all you guys. I did a lot of the work here. I also helped win the war, so I'm going to be king of the gods. So he divided it up, essentially him and his brother's Poseidon and Hades were really the ones that kind of divvied up what would be the major portions. Yeah. Underworld, oceans, and skies.

And then they would share the earth. Because that's grandmother, that's Gaia. Yeah, yeah. We'll share grandma. Everybody just stay out of her holes. We don't know what else our grandfather put inside of her. Exactly. So Zeus was also, his Roman name will give you the actual group name and then what their Roman counterpart once Rome pretty much just completely stole all this ship.

That's exactly it. The Roman version of Zeus is Jupiter. Again, King of the Gods ruler of Mount Olympus. The reason that they were on Mount Olympus is during the Titanamaki, that 10-year war between them and the Titans. they had Mount Olympus, and the Titans were based on Mount Orthis. And so they just pretty much kept that. And Mount Olympus, to this day, this is just a thought that I had, and I think that we kind of talked about a little bit.

9,500 foot, what, that's got to be like 50,000 kilometers. I didn't do the research on that one. A lot of kilometers, 9,500 feet in the air, definitely above cloud cover. At some points. Yeah. But it was clear. I mean, you could see the. but you couldn't see detail on it.

But at the same time, when you're answering a question and you're not allowed to, or you're not able physically to climb to the top of Mount Olympus, when it goes behind the clouds, you're going to be like, well, how does that happen?

What do you think happens up there? It's just some guy that came up with it and is standing in eyesight of Mount Olympusies. He's like, so where do these gods live? And he's like, see that big old, that fucking tall mountain up there that you can't see the top of it because the clouds are covering.

He's like, yeah, he's like, that's where they live. Like, oh, okay. Some sort of super strong Greek weed as you're laying to the base of it Looking up at it. This guy was the poon hound of the skies, which is ironic because I also have an uncle that would buy that moniker for a while.

God, I hope you get to meet him. But, yeah, so Zeus did not have any problems spreading it around to the willing or the unwilling. So I'm just going to go through here. Zeus is essentially his lineage. So we have Zeus and his first wife, Metis, who was. what would be considered an oceanid. I think she's one of the daughters of Oceanus and whoever he was with.

Yeah, she's about to play a real big role in this. So she also was one of the titans of like wisdom. So I think that he figured that kind of short of some of his weaknesses, maybe if he wasn't that clever. I mean, he wasn't. So she ends up becoming pregnant

and Zeus is like, oh, fuck the prophecy. Kids are going to fucking kill me. So first thing he does, he's like, well, it didn't work last time because when they're just going to make me vomit up the kids. What if, hear me out, I swallow her with the baby insider, kind of get myself like a double protection type situation. Kids not born yet.

There's no way it can be born inside of me. Exactly. So he eats, in true fashion of his family, he eats medes. Oh, details of that story, please. You go ahead. So supposedly, and I don't know which one of the poets This came from, old Zeus was climbing up Mount Olympus as a billy goat Trying not to make any noise to try and

Make sure that Medus doesn't understand what's going on When he gets up there, he turns back into Zeus And of course, Medis is still awake, and he's trying to come in quietly. She's like, I heard the thunderstorm outside, and he's like, That wasn't me. He heard of your hoofs fucking clopping at the side of the mountain. he's like uh yeah i busy at the office it took some time to do some shit and she's like you don't love me anymore do you and he's like no no no i love you why would you say that she's like

i see all of the things on earth that you're having sex with and you're not having sex with me and we're not having a child and he's like well i gotta throw her off the scent somehow i just need a little variety babe and she's like so what do you mean he's like uh can you change into a cow she's like that does it for you? And he's like, oh, you don't know what cows do to me. Moo. So she changes herself into a heifer.

He changes himself into a stallion. And they just start going at it in this. Wait, he turns into a horse? A bull. Stag. Stag, I think, was the word I was looking for. A deer? A fuck, dude.

I look. Every time I guess I'm focusing on the own details. I'm like, well, did they at least turn into the same animal? So every time I started doing this research, whether it was work time, regular sober times or anything like that, I immediately felt high just because of the craziness of this shit.

So she turned into a cow. He turned into the male equivalent of a cow. Okay. A heifer. A bull. Is it a bull? Yeah. Okay.

They start going at it. Grandma, grandpa style as a cow and a bull. All of a sudden, he's like, change to this. She all of a sudden changes to that. I believe it was something below water. I think it was like a dolphin and he turned into a shark or something.

like that. So they're going back and forth and they're going back and forth. And finally, he's like, I need you to get small. And I immediately thought of of the guys. The boys. They're the boys. Oh, yeah. When the small... And he crawls inside the other guy's dick. Yeah.

So she turns into a fly. As soon as she turns into a fly, Zeus turns back into his normal form, grabs a fly, throws it in his mouth, and eats her. That was how he tricked Medis into getting eaten, basically. Crazy story.

No way that that guy was... I'm not any crazier than the other shit we've discussed. No way that guy was sober when he wrote that, though. So Zeus starts getting headaches, and he's like, oh, my fucking head. It gets so bad that at some point he goes to... Is it Ephesus that he goes to? Yeah.

And he's like, I need you to take an axe, and I need you to split my skull open right about here. So Afestus is like, okay. So as they split his skull open, out pops Athena. fully formed, I think in her armor, Yep. Fully formed goddess of wisdom, warfare, Athena.

And she had inherited her mother. Yeah, I don't know where Medus was. I digested, I guess. But basically it had inherited her mother's gift for wisdom. So she's the new wisdom goddess. After Medis, you know, that whole, that thing got ugly.

She's not paying alimony, though, in that situation. Zeus ends up hooking up with his sister Hara. Now, in between all of this, Zeus is just plowing all across Greece. So these are just the ones he's like setting up shop with up on Olympus. Everything he can get his hands on he's having sex with, I think. So he's, he was fucking pronouns or nouns.

He was fucking, he wasn't fucking pronouns, he was fucking nouns. He was fucking a person, place or a thing. That was just all he did. Yeah. So the two main,

children that come out of him and his sister Harrah banging are Ares god of war in Hephaestus who is basically the blacksmith of the gods Now We gotta go into my favorite Harris story The story of IO

Okay So Zeus had eyes for this mortal woman named Iyo He went ahead and headed down to earth Hera was a little bit of a nosy Nancy she liked to keep tabs on him I can understand why Wasn't she like the goddess of Mary

Yeah. Yep. She said, How does this fucking look on me? I can't keep my own husband from fucking everything in Greece, and I'm supposed to be the goddess of marriage that people pray to to make their marriages last. Well, it turns out, Philandry is the method that they chose to make their marriage last.

Zeus sneaks down Olympus, and he sees I-O, and he's like, well, shit, Hair is going to look. All I see Zeus sneaking out like tip-tony, he's like sneaking out for pussy. So he gets down to I-O, he's like, well, shit, I don't want hair to see.

Brings in some clouds, so you can't see down to Earth from Mount Olympus. Are you sure she's not going to find out, hey, watch this. And he just snaps his fingers. Clouds come over and block, he's like, I got your booty. It's like the glass that fogs up so you can see. Yeah, exactly. It just turns opaque. So they start getting down. Zeus smashes I-O.

And then all of a sudden the clouds part and hair is standing up there. And Zeus turns around, and as he turns around, he turns around, he turns around. in Zayotto a cow. He's like, oh, hey, babe, what's going on? She's like, what are you doing down here? He's like, I just admire in this cow. She's like, really? You got cow all over your penis. He's like, I really admired this cow. She's like, oh. You know how I think, you know how I feel about cows, honey? It's not another woman. It's just a cow. There's no chance to another woman. She's just a cow. You're not the, you're not the goddess of protecting animal husbandry or whatever. All of a sudden, beastiality is such a big deal.

So Harrah goes Well I mean if you really like the cow I guess I really like the cow Can I have the cow? It's like I don't know there sure go ahead I guess Goes ahead Just as the cows walking out with her

The cow turns back and looks at him He's just like I don't know So Hera knowing that this cow Kind of has Zeus's eyes Goes ahead and gets Argus One of the 50 hit hundred-armed hechtelians.

Hecatonkeries. Hecatonqueries. To keep guard. He doesn't sleep. He's a very strong man. I just see you're walking down. Toeing the cow behind her. And he's like, what can I do for you here?

And he's like, she's like, I need you to watch this cow. And I need you to keep Zeus from fucking it. He's like, what? He's like, just keep my husband from fucking this cow. Okay. It's all you want for me? Yeah. Just keep an eye on it.

him. So Zeus, wanting to get himself second to I.O. goes ahead and calls up his son Hermes. Like, hey, man, we'll talk about all of Hermes strategies and to do things later. He's pretty badass. It's like, I'm going to need you to go down there. I'm going to need you to distract Argus. Excuse me. And then I'm going to need you to bore the shit out of him so he goes to sleep, and then I want you to kill him. So Hermes does as his father's told. He goes down, tells August a couple stories. somehow the god or the the heck hecatalker heckerbocker whatever he is uh that doesn't sleep is all the sudden bored to sleep

Hermes then kills him he's like the energy vampire from what we do in the shadows yeah he's just like oh I'm so tired so Hermes goes ahead and kills Argus which means that Zeus can sweep in and bang her one more time um hermes is he did his part as a human or the cow Maybe a little from column A, a little from column B. He's like, this is going to sound weird, but I'm going to change you back to human halfway.

I want to try something. Eventually, she ends up turning back into a human again. She birthed two of Zeus's children. Argus must have done a pretty decent job. There must have been some good times guarding him because Herod took all of Argus's eyes and put them on the feathers of a peacock. so all those dots up there are supposed to be representative of Vargas's eyes that to me feels like it takes a lot of creativity

to come up with some crazy shit so yeah Zeus all around I mean he changed into a goose and I believe he raped one of his sisters he actually ends up producing a fair amount of some of the other gods

that we're going to talk about just as far as where things cross and intersect next I think this guy probably I don't know I'll go I'll go through his kids real quick okay I'll go through Zeus as random Zeus I just put Zeus and randoms so with these women who definitely weren't his siblings he has Apollo Artemis Hermes Persephone

Dionysus Perseus and Hercules Hercules Hercules So yeah he's busy and basically most of the gods that I just named are the 12 Olympians So he just pretty much fills this thing up with his family. I think doing the totals, what I saw, was his six, what they believe, were wives, like gods that he had fucked. He ended up having 22 children. And then as far as, like, animals or women that were mortals.

Sea creatures. Yeah, sea creatures, yep. I think he's had somewhere around 128 that they had mentioned and known of. So that took a lot of character development to get through all the things that he banged. So who's Zeus fucking this week? In this issue, who we have in Zeus fuck? We haven't had them fuck a cow, I guess. Okay, perfect.

Let's keep, let's brainstorm. Let's workshop that. It's just a deer that runs by the doorway and they're like, oh, fuck's a deer. Gets her. Perfect. How's he going to catch it? And go. Ah, shit.

I don't know who's my favorite between these next two. Zeus definitely isn't my favorite. Zeus is a very flawed character. But we'll talk about Poseidon next. Poseidon, Roman, Neptune. There's kind of a theme with a lot of these gods' names and the planets. I think through no research, Chris and I kind of surmise that there's a good chance that since the Greeks were so good at astronomy, astronomy, that they were the ones that named the planets. And the Romans were like, well, shit, we don't want to keep their same names.

What are we doing? We'll do the planets. They're like, well, they name the planets after the gods. Perfect. That works. We'll just rename them. Well, just renamed ours. So, yeah, you have, well, you have Uranus.

You have Mercury, who was, I don't know if it was Roman, but it was like basically Hermes, the god of speed. You have Venus, God of Love, Earth. I'm not sure what Earth was. I don't know if that was just Terra at some point or anything like that. We rename this shit. Mars, the God of War, which would be Ares, Jupiter, Zeus. Saturn is someone in there. I can't remember who Saturn is.

but yeah pretty much all of those named after Greek gods that's how big fucking Greek mythology the fucking planets are named huge from characters of originally Greek mythology he was a god of seas god of water God of storms

God of hurricanes earthquakes and horses what the fuck at that point they were like man this guy's real water base this is basically Aquaman at this point we're like what does he do if he needs to do something on

land. Like he's got to have some type of land-based power. They're like, I don't fucking what is in the ocean that's also on land? Sea horses? Land horses. Okay, perfect. Yeah. To be the god of horses. Had to be somewhere along those lines to get that shit figured out. He was the middle son of Uranus and, uh, or Kronos and Rhea. And he was an interesting fellow. Like you said, he had the trident. The trident was the power. of all of everything. I mean, he was able to push it down the rivers, anything

like that. He married a C-Nymph named Nariad Amphritite, Amphrite. Amphritite? Gets as good as mine on that one. And he actually

competed with Athena to be the namesake of Athens. I think when we did Athens, we actually talked about this. The creation myth between him striking, his trident in a spring came up, And he also was like, and horses. And they were like, oh shit. And then Athena was like, have you guys ever heard of olives?

And like grew a tree. And they're like, oh, fuck, olives. Okay, we're naming after, we're naming after Athena. And then Poseidon definitely had to take the spring back so they didn't water the olive trees with the spring that he just came right. I'm guessing that he didn't leave that. It's like, nope. And he hit it on the ground again. It just dried up real quick.

One of the things about Poseidon is, so he. doesn't nearly have the fucking black book that the Zeus has. But he does have some interesting things that he creates as part of Greek mythology. So the myth with him is that he actually hooked up with the Gorgon Medusa. So fucking snakes for her, St.pharmadi. They didn't have a child initially. But after Medusa's death, because they had banged it out,

she gave birth after her death to the Pegasus. So that's where we get the winged horse. What is he saying, Your Highness, when he talks about jerking off and from a Pegasus? That it's one of his goals. I don't remember if it's from your highness. You've got to be real high to get through that movie, so it's, so you don't remember a lot. Well, and I mean, Pegasus of Pablo Escobar fame when his daughter wanted a unicorn, so he went ahead and stapled a horn to its head and then stapled wings to its back. a little bit of a Pegasus look.

I don't understand quite how a snake-like creature and a god of the sea produce a horse with wings, but he was the god of horses. Yeah. So, okay. Maybe he could just call his shot, but he knew what sperm he was using and he's like, I'm going to power of horse

and he's like, okay, you're pregnant with a horse. Jazz it up a little bit, do it and put your own spin on it. Maybe that's how he became the god of horses was they just produced a Pegasus. He's like, hey, check this shit. Look what I can do. I made the best horse. I'm now Lord of Horses. The old man, the old man of this whole tale, Hades,

the oldest son of Kronos and Rea. He was the god of the Greek underworld, the overseer of the dead. The Greek afterlife is super-duper interesting to me just because I don't really know quite how it fits into a lot of religions as far as what they believe in the afterlife. Well, let's do this. Let's take a little tour,

MTV Cribb style. through the underworld. Yeah. Like, Hades. Give it to us. I'm Hades. This is my crib. I like that.

So you would get to Hades after you died. And the first thing you would really get to would be essentially like the river sticks. It would separate the whole of Hades and the different areas essentially of Hades, which we'll discuss. But in order to get across there, you had to pay the boatman, chair on. And also guarding that area so you couldn't sneak through. would be Cerberus, the three-headed dog. Bad ass. Mm-hmm.

There was also a two-headed dog as well. I can't remember what its name was. Huh. But Hades had to have been there at like the pound and been like, this one's got three heads. I want that one. If he dies, I'll come back for the two-headed one. The two-headed ones just fighting amongst each other,

or fighting amongst the heads together. He's like, that guy's going to get distracted. I need a three-headed dog. I need somebody on patrol at all times. So once you did, we're able to go ahead and get passage across the river sticks, by Charon, you would essentially be pretty much sort of, it's like fucking Hogwarts, basically. Yeah.

You're taken across the river by Dead Hagrid, and you are going to get sorted into one of the three houses that are in Hades or the underworld, depending on how you lived your life. Yeah, and those three different places, Elysium was the one that you shot for. It was the paradise of the good, the heroes, the ones that made all the difference in the world. It was like what you would be akin to like Valhalla. It's like a utopian. It's basically what like you want to imagine in modern Christianity is heaven. Like everyone's happy and there's sunshine and it's always 70 degrees and no one touches the thermostat and all that kind of stuff.

You wanted to get into Elysium and dance across the Elysian fields. That's where you also get that badass line in Gladiator at the very beginning where he's like if you find yourself writing with a sun on your face and your brother's not around you, you are an Elysium and you are our. It's hurt it dead. Huh. Crazy. I like to think that there's probably one or two Mormon listeners out there. Think of this as the T-Lastrial Kingdom. Okay.

Because the way that the Mormon religion works is... Can we do an episode on that? Are you in a position to be able to... I don't know. It's going to be tough. I did 18 years in it really kind of... I don't really know how to feel because at the same time, I got a lot of negative feelings,

but it's almost like I was out of the world for long enough that I just kind of, if that's your bag, that's cool, but it's crazy that you're still into it. We'll circle back on that. Big thing about Elysium, accessibility. It was kind of the club, the velvet rope. You had to meet a certain requirement. Can't have any of those old bitches, old pregnant bitches up there in the club. But yeah, it was a little bit harder to get into because it was the best of the best.

after that we had the Ispidol? Yeah, Asphidal Meadows. I love how they also make these sound like fucking nice subdivisions. It's like, welcome to Elysium Fields. Welcome to Asphido Meadows. I don't imagine that Greece had a ton of meadows

because it was mostly rock. Maybe like up near the mountains. So maybe that's why it was like, people are like, oh my God. Oh, yeah. I don't have to worry about tripping on rocks. rocks all the fucking time. That's a great point.

That's heaven. Okay, yeah, I could see that. And that was kind of for the rest of society. That was for the people that were neither good nor bad, just kind of bled their life toned the line. You didn't kill anyone. You didn't help anyone else. Yeah, you might have touched some kids or done some other things,

but not nearly as bad as the guys that go to the last place. The last place would be Tartarus. And Tartarus was basically, there was also, you know, the prison where the Titans were kept and everything like that. at a certain point they said Zeus like pardoned some of the Titans and like let him out I have to imagine he was like oh they can't hurt anyone anymore

they're old he was just like I'm gonna go ahead and put you guys in a nice home get you guys set up they're immortal beings though I know this also maybe I don't want to bring it up now maybe I'll bring it up at the end but there seems to be a very simple fix to a lot of Zeus's problems

if he truly was a god here I feel like maybe he just was strong enough to make himself impotent shooting blanks. I don't think he, I think he saw all the kids he was making. He's like, look at all these fucking cool things I'm making.

But these people were all gods. And instead of Kronos being worried about one of his gods showing up in having to eat him, maybe just... No, but that's why he was also, I think, doing a lot of it with mortal women, because like with Hercules, he was only like a demigod. Oh yeah, so Hercules couldn't kill him.

Exactly. That makes sense. Some of them he did get, like, but he could also empower them to be gods because remember he would run into circumstances where he would actually make people gods. So if he was just like, uh, you, yeah, I'll make you a god. You don't seem like you're going to turn on me. Well, what was it? If they drank the ambrosia, they would become gods. Yeah. Also, if a god, uh, swore an oath on the river sticks, if he didn't uphold that oath, there was like a year's punishment where you got your goddamn stripped from you? You take a year's sabbatical for me. Yeah, what the fuck? There was a certain point when Hara tried

to like do some type of overthrow of Zeus and people were pissed off at Zeus's management style so a few of the gods went along with it. I think one of them was Poseidon, maybe one of them was like Hephaestus and he was like for the entire year, I'm gonna, you guys have to go to Troy and help him fix the city.

So that's why they say the walls of Troy were built by Poseidon. So yeah, Tartarus sounds like a pretty bad place. Tartarus does not have... That's what you would envision hell. Yeah. Outer Dark. Hell, anything like that where everything was a black pit for the bad.

Yeah, so without the fire. So fire would be light and everything. So it just basically keeps you in darkness. I took a wife, Persephone. We had talked about her earlier and we'll talk about her again. I believe she was the daughter of Demeter and Zeus. Again, the daughter of Demeter and Zeus. And I got to repeat that because Hades really took a liking,

her. And he's like, well, I gotta figure out how to get a hold of her. Let me talk to Zeus. He's like, kidnap her. You're a god. Take her. I don't think you understand how this works. Okay, listen, man, these kids are driving me fucking nuts. They're all in my house. Just fucking take her. Get her out of my house. I don't care if she's your niece. Get her out of my house. Yeah, he swoops her up, takes her to the underworld. This really pisses off Persephone. She goes into just a rage. And a very, very deep depression. Demeter does. Or Demeter, yeah. Demeter goes into a very deep depression.

What do you mean? You gave her to her uncle. You gave her kid away? What the fuck do you mean? He's like, these kids are driving me crazy. I would just want to get rid of them. I need to get him out of the house. Your uncle, the one that lives in the basement,

the creepy one that lives in the basement, you gave our beautiful daughter? Hey, it's too late. You already got her. We'll make another one. Or I'll make another one. So Demeter goes down to find Persephone, and when she gets down there, she finds out that Hades had fed her the fruit of the underworld, which is palm granites. And once he fed her pomegranates, that made her the queen of the underworld and his wife.

There was some argument going on, and the decision was to be made by Zeus, who said that Persephone would spend three months in the underworld, and the rest of the time. up with her mother, Demeter. Now, what was Demeter the goddess of? She was the goddess of agriculture in Seasons. And she was the goddess of agriculture in seasons was it was believed that in the wintertime when things wouldn't grow would be the time that Persephone was spending time down with Hades

in the underworld. She was pissed. She was like, now it comes time for the three months. No one's going to be fucking happy. Nothing will grow. Which again, this is a real conversation that somebody probably had. Like, hey, man, how come stuff doesn't just grow all the time?

Why do we have to have an offseason? He's like, uh-huh. Why is it all cold and shit? Uh-huh. Like, well, the goddess of agriculture had a daughter. Who's her dad? The main guy, Zeus. And then Hades took her.

Cold and Hades probably. Real dark. Yep. Not super fun to be outside. Yeah, that's when she's down there, that's just a sad, sad time of year. So yeah, after that, we got to go into Hera. She's the queen of the gods and goddesses. She's the goddess of marriage.

She's the goddess of women, childbirth, and family. Jesus was having a lot of children and expanding the families. So, I mean, in that sense, do you think he used that as an argument? A lot of she's like, I am the goddess of marriage. And women, he's like, yeah, but you're also the goddess of childbirth and family, and I'm having kids and making families. So technically, I'm kind of doing this. for you.

I'm trying to show people that you really are the goddess of children. You love family so much that you want them to have the same joy that you had when you had children. Am I such a bad man for that? Guy just literally wanted to spread his seat everywhere and just tried to justify it any way that he could. But... You think I want to have sex with these cows?

He went from being married to his aunt to be... married to the youngest daughter of Kronos and Rea as in his sister. So I don't really know if that's a lateral move or a step up in the incest hierarchy, but regardless he made a move. He's running out of siblings. He can only marry so many of them. Maybe he's just moving through. She was just next on the list. True. She played a part in a lot of anger towards the women that, rightfully so maybe not so much the fact that it was the women's fault but Zeus I think had a lot of power

and if they said no Zeus didn't really understand what no meant. Zeus was the Zeus was rape factory like a lot of these women were not you know as many of the women in these tales that were willing to sleep with Zeus three to four of them were unwilling participants and all this and despite

Hera being the goddess of women she was like these fucking whores and so she had a vendet against these women and then most of the time they're children who were also around a lot because some of them were demigods and some of them were gods. Yeah. And one such event, she kind of became the

enemy of Heracles and that was after Zeus stepped out on her with Lato, I believe. We'll talk about that. Maybe not Lado. Maybe Lowe. I love how the Disney movie spun it to where Hercules was actually Hera and Zeus's son.

So they didn't have to explain the fact that Zeus was just plowing everything under Mount Olympus. I have very, very fleeting memories of a lot of Disney movies. I think I did see Hercules. Isn't Hades like a blue flame guy? He's got blue flame for hair.

Okay, yeah. And it was... James Woods. Was it? Yeah. Really? Yeah. For he went crazy, too.

Rip torn with Zeus. You could dodge a wrench. You can dodge a ball. So yeah She sent two serpents to kill him as a baby And since he was Heracles and Hercules And the strongest man that there was He just went ahead and throttled those two snakes to death

As he laid in his crib When it came to adulthood She was the one that drove him crazy And drove him to kill his family Which sets off him going through the 12 trials of Hercules This is if anyone has ever played the God of War series this is very similar. I don't think it's Hera that does it.

I think it might be Ares that actually forces him to kill his family, but he's also a son of Zeus. So like, so many things that we don't even realize borrow from this type of mythology. Oh, one thing I forgot to mention, too, about the whole creation myth with man

is, remember when we were, I know you probably spaced out on the Lord of the Rings episode. You had a glass to overlook in your eyes for, at about the two-hour mark, but the story behind the creation of dwarves in that is that the blacksmith of the gods made them out of like stone and then brought them to life yeah so it's just you know Tolkien borrowing from Greek mythology I think that seems like it's a I definitely see how there's that connection there but also I think we talked about it wasn't the Inca it might have been um no, it was the Inca that were made out of mud and they traveled around. Yeah.

So I think it kind of makes sense to just go from like the earth to make clay figures and then give them life. We are children of the earth. Yeah. That's why we're bound to the earth or something like that. I think it's definitely a pretty widely used idea, which again, I don't know if it came from that or it just kind of made sense in the scenario. Do you know what's funny about the 12 labors too is I had no idea? so basically as punishment for, you know, Hercules kills his whole family. So it's like his penance for them to like accept him again.

He has to basically put it, be put into indentured servitude to this like king. Uh-huh. Like this mortal king. And the king is just fucking with him the whole time and send him out to do these. He's like, um, so I'm going to have you do some errands for me. You're going to kill this, kill this, kill this, capture this, do this. And then he keeps tacking on stuff. Oh, go hang out with Atlas.

and hold up the sky too. He's got some apples that I want. See these stables here? I mean, you need to clean out these stables. By the way, they haven't been cleaned out in 200 years, and they're like football fields and football fields big. Well, on the brilliance, I think, of that story, and I'm pretty excited to do the Hercules episode,

was it kind of shows all of the cunning and ability and the thought that Hercules wasn't just a hunk. He had a good mind on him, too. I think Hercules, the creation of Hercules had to at some point when they're creating these myths and everything or writing their versions of these myths, just to make it more accessible when you start having gods that are part human and like demigods and everything,

because they give you more of a connection to that. Oh, yeah. So the story of Hercules, you know, with his bravery and everything, that, you know, people are like, well, that's his human side and everything. He's just a man, he's just really strong. Yeah. He could be one of us. Again, like you were talking about earlier,

well, if that happened to him, there could still be a connection. I could meet a God. This could happen to me. You're talking to your audience. Like, as someone who's just creatively storytelling. Zeus could come down and cuck me and bang my wife, and maybe we have a second Hercules.

Who knows? Hey, honey, just so you know if, like, a bull shows up or an eagle or a giant glowing ball of light. A goose. A goose. It starts raining gold. on you, just kind of prop yourself up and maybe open those legs. Take it. Whatever it is, just accept what happens.

You have my permission. Yep. He's your hall pass. Zeus is my hall pass. Next, we run into Demeter, who is Saris. Oh, I forgot to mention Hera is Juno. That is her

Roman name. Demeter is Saris. She's the goddess to harvest, fertility, agriculture, nature. and seasons. Seasons. She's the middle daughter, and she's the mother of Persephone, like we talked about. She was pursued by Poseidon, or by Poseidon, changed form into a mayor, again, a horse who was sexed by Poseidon.

He decided not to change his appearance. He just kept her as a horse, a mayor. Why is she doing that? He's the god of horses. Or is how he became the god of horses? Someone caught him having sex with this horse and is like, hey, check it out, guys, it's like an ironic thing. It's like, hey, if it isn't the Lord of Horses,

walks in the ruin and when is this applauding him? Yeah. After that, she kind of takes a long look at her life for a second and kind of takes a little bit of a leave of absence to cleanse herself after her older brother, Poseidon just committed the ultimate sin. and in her absence there were droughts that were caused there were animals that died

there was a great famine that hit the world and that was a belief that since she was the queen of the seasons and the harvest that if she was sad just like she was with Persephone when she was gone that no life would be able to grow I wonder who wrote that because of famine obviously they did happen but at the same time if it's like

oh man people are starving out of the streets He's like, this is going to be great. This is going to be a great story. I'm already writing this thing down. And there's so much of this. This has kind of been a conversation between Chris and I just ongoing. I don't really have an obsession with Noah's Ark, but there's something about it where I feel like people try to prove it so much,

and it comes up in so many different places. It even comes up in Greek mythology. Permetheus's son and his wife, were let, I guess, they had known that Zeus was going to cleanse the earth with a great flood. And so they had created this special, like, chest that they were both to crawl inside. And as the flood happened, the chest would then float and they wouldn't sink. Once the water resided, they got out and they repopulated the earth using, I think it was Prometheus' dead wife's bones, something along those lines.

But every single time this shit pops up and there's some other Noah's Ark myth. We had kind of thought about it for a little while. And at one point, I think it was probably during the Athens episode, maybe Constantinople. But all of these seas that were all inland, the Aegean, the Mediterranean, everything like that, at one point during the Ice Age, they were all dry. And there were pieces of land that as the water level rose, they would break through. They would fall down into these great basins that were just the kind of the flood zone. You already have cultures that are centered with their survival around waterways.

They're the first to go. When those levels start to rise and everything, and right there until you got to the higher mountains and everything, if you only survived a couple of you, then, you know, there's your flood myth. Yeah. It feels so plausible just from that point of view. and I've never really believed in Noah's Ark, but thinking about it, in that respect,

has kind of changed my opinion. I don't think that there was a Noah's Ark. Noah's Ark was obviously bullshit because you couldn't get two of every animal and build that big ass thing and all that kind of stuff. But the fact that there's flood myths in so many different areas and saying that the world was flooded.

Well, your world was flooded. The whole world wasn't flooded. Everything that you knew. There were 100 instances of this. And it could have just been simply water levels rising. maybe that's the whole believability about it, is that every culture has a situation where this might have happened to them,

something along the lines of their ancestors of being forced away because there was a flood. Regardless of when it was, if it was 100 years ago, it would have seemed like forever ago. And so when this story comes out about Nozark, everyone has an association because it was something similar

that happened in their cultures. Well, and I think that perfectly explains a famine because a famine is going to just happen. That's what happens with weather patterns and everything like that. So every time a famine happens, you'd be like, oh, well, Demeter is just really, really sad because Poseidon or Hades or Zeus or somebody got to her. Next up, we have Aphrodite, also known as Venus, the goddess of love, pleasure, passion, procreation, fertility, beauty, desire. She was the daughter of Uranus. The daughter of Uranus Nut. and the ocean foam.

I'm glad I didn't reread that before. I liked the genuine reaction to that. With her, so she ends up marrying Hephaestus. Now, Hephaestus, after Zeus had been cheating on hair for a while and got pregnant with Hephaestus, she ended up telling Zeus that, like, Hephaestus was just like her kid,

like Zeus had no hand in it. She was just like, nope, I did it myself. You were out fucking your whores. And so I just made this kid myself. well then I think because of that and she made a big deal of it Zeus was like nope and literally chucked Hephaestus off fucking Mount Olympus he's like this isn't my kin she's like it's no one's kid I made it myself she's like that can't happen I've made enough children to know that can't happen so he chucks Hephaestis off Mount Olympus and like ends up fucking up like his face or his arm leg his leg he had a drag

as he walked they said that's right and so because of this in order to like once he grows up and everything in order to make up for this through some roundabout way he ends up I think he crafts a chair and it's to get back at Harrah for something for like you let him throw me off Mad Olympus or some shit

and so he creates his chair for her that when she sits in it it freezes her into the chair and she cannot get out of it and in order to get her out of it Zeus has to basically be like okay what the fuck do you want name your price he's like I want Aphrodite and Zuz is like Fuck.

Fine. You can have Aphrodite. He was not a handsome man. No. He was a very, very ugly individual. And Aphrodite was the hottest of the hot. She was the woman that everybody wanted. Aphrodite is a tempterous, to say the least.

She gets around quite a bit. And she does some cucking of a festus coming up that we'll have to talk about, kind of with him. there's so many different fun stories with each one of these that tie into it. So I don't really know how to break them down because most of these stories involve multiple gods. So there's just certain different things about the way that all of it works. It's basically reality TV antiquity. Yeah. Is what it is.

Like imagine how much people like fucking drama on TV and shows like that. Yeah. Like when you're a playwright and these poets, you're just like, oh, what's the juicy? shit we can have happen here. True to form. A god named Adonis. I guess he was a man named Adonis. He was a son of Myra.

And Myro was cursed by Aphrodite to fall in love with her king, who was also her father. She ends up hooking up with her king. And the... Dead. Dead. Yeah. And they have Adonis. Once it's found out that Mirra's...

husband or the progenitor of the child was the king she ends up getting kicked out has to leave Adonis. Aphrodite then finds Adonis doesn't really like being tied down with a kid. She swoops down to the underworld and is like, hey Persephone, I don't

think you and Hades can have kids something about the underworld, maybe I don't know, I don't really understand your guy's realm. You want a kid to take care of? She's like, yeah, sure, whatever. I got to be down here for three months. I'd at least like something to do. So she goes ahead and raises Adonis. Donus was a handsome boy.

That's where you get determined Adonis. Yep. Adrian Adonis, a very fat, not attractive, old wrestler, but where the name goes. And once you get Adonis growing up, Aphrodite comes back to getting him. She's like, ooh, that's a piece of ass. I like that. He's like, who are you?

Yeah. Hey, if we met. It's me, Adonis. She's like, oh. So? Oh. Everdody's like, okay. I'm taking this hunk with me. I'm getting out of here. Persephone's like, no. I raised him. She's like the horny aunt that comes over.

The horny stepan that comes over. It's like, no, no, get away from him. And so there becomes this fight over Adonis. Persephone wants to keep him and keep jumping his bones, probably because Hades is a weird lover, I'm sure. He's like, no, I need me a piece of this guy. I was the one that found him and brought him to you. I get him back.

I trained him. He knows what I like. So Zeus decides to settle the dispute because that's what Zeus does. For as poor a judgment as Zeus has. We're going to Zeus with this. It's like, dun-da, people's court with Zeus up there. Judge Joe Brown is Hermes. Just hanging around.

The bailiff is Hermes. So Zeus settles the dispute in a one-third, one-third, one-third compromise. One-third of the year, he gets to bang Persefif. Anthony, one third of the year he gets to bang Aphrodite, and then a third of the year he gets to bang a woman of his own choice. Which pretty diplomatic move on Zeus's part. Good for Adonis. Well, I think this would be Zeus's answer if Zeus was Adonis. He wanted to keep his options up.

He's like, yeah, I'll throw this kid a bone. Maybe I'll like this. He looks at him. He's like, handsome man. He's like, thank you. He's like, like, like to bang. Yeah. He's like, you're going to love this deal.

Let's not forget with old Zeus. Zeus also found himself This is the one episode That I was okay to allow myself to hear the word Petterasty more than the allotted amount of times Which I like hearing it, which is none A lot of petterasty talk Zeus had a proclivity to tempt young handsome human boys

And bring them back up to Olympus And have his way with them So again, what I say the guy was fucking nouns When you say one third, one third one third Are you sure it wasn't one third Persephone, one-third Aphrodite, one-third Zeus. Could be, yeah. He wanted to leave his options open just in case that door was there.

So we get to Aphrodite's husband, Hephaestus. Ephesus's Roman name was Vulcan. It's the name of an anvil company. Vulcan is, I think, pretty well known as far as to do blacksmithing tools and that kind of a thing. Vulcan Deathgrip don't think it has anything to do with that? It's spelled differently.

Oh, is it? Yeah. Okay. So, oh, no, no, no. You're correct. It is spelled the same. I'm sure that has something to do with like, it's a grip of iron. That's like the iron cheek, whatever they called that.

But what's kind of interesting about that too is when they were looking at names, like a blacksmithing company, they're like, man, Hephaestis just doesn't sound. Hephaestis Incorporated doesn't sound great. They're like, well, he was known as Vulcan in Rome, but like, why don't you fucking lead with that? Yeah. we can write this way easier. This is going to be way easier for people to say and read. He was a master of blacksmith and a craftsman. He was the god of forging.

He was the god of forging, not foraging. God of craftsmanship. He invented fire. And he was the god of volcanoes. It was said that Afestus actually built all of the buildings on Olympus. And that he was the one that crafted the world up there. All of like the armor, like breastplate, like the chariot. for Apollo.

Like he... Afestus was the one that created the suit of armor for Achilles. Yeah. After his mother went up there and gave her the old Mrs. Gump treatment

to get the armor. Man, your mama sure does want you to get this suit of armor. He was actually tossed off. I don't know if it was two different stories or if it was one story

that Chris talked about with Zeus tossing them off. I heard another story. Do you think it was Jack Black, Ron Burr? Orgundy style. Or he goes,

this is how I will kicks him a baby. Could be. Just kicks him like a soccer ball. But he had been thrown off a second time

in another story where after Herod had him she looked at it was like, this kid's ugly as shit and just tossed him down the mountain. And every time A Festus has had to climb back up the mountain after

after a parent's rejection. Every time they had an argument, Ophestus tried to run in and stop it. One of them just fucking slapped him off the mountain. Again, the husband of Aphrodite's, but he divorced her after he caught her having sex with Aries in a real kind of cheaters type way.

He'd found out that Aphrodite and Aries were hooking up, two hot bods rubbing together. He's like, well, I got to catch him somehow. Master of blacksmithing, he made himself a net that was so tightly wound. He mousetraps it. He basically does the mousetrap game where he suspends this golden net

above the bed where they're going to be banging. And literally, as soon as they start banging, he just drops, he's like, ah, got you. And he's like, hey, honey, headed off the mountain, going down to do some blacksmithing stuff. She's like, okay, honey, I'll see you later. And he just stands in the hall against the wall.

He's like, as soon as Aries goes ahead and sneaks in, he springs the trap. I just see him with like, scissors with a rope. Just waiting to be like, bangor, get it in there. That after he goes ahead and he drops that,

on top of them. They can't get out. And the normal thing a guy in this situation would do is he went to all the other gods. He's like, hey guys, you won't believe what's going on in here. My wife's a whore. Come in and watch what's going on. All the other gods show up and see Aries and Aphrodite's trapped under this net

and they just find it funny as hell. Just some of the funniest shit ever. Just immediately start laughing at him thinking that he's a cock. Talk about your all-time backfires. Yeah, it didn't work out in his favor. Yeah, so just a very interesting way You gotta feel for a Festus

Yeah, he seems like a good guy I just want to go in my shop and build shit I like blacksmithing Fucking behind my back and throw me off Olympus The poor guy just couldn't catch a break His parents kept throwing him off the mountain His wife was banging Aries Just really didn't work out well for him

Well and he actually ends up creating Pandora Is he? Yep So he's the one that ends up creating Pandora The first woman. Yes, the first woman, Pandora. Not to get too far into the story, but Pandora was basically given this,

it's known as Pandora's box, but in Greek mythology, she was given this jar, like this Big Mason jar, and in it basically were all of the qualities of mankind. And before this... Flawed qualities. It was the sadness.

It was like all the bad stuff, wasn't it? There was something that was kept in it that was positive. So it was pretty much everything. and through her curiosity and everything she was told never to open this but she opens it and what gets out into the world is despair and sadness and death and she is able to essentially keep in the jar

where she closes it is she's able to keep hope in there which to me doesn't make sense because you would want hope out in the world but for some reason it didn't allow hope to escape so it kept hope within mankind again this story has written how many years ago from somebody just trying to write a bunch of shit and being like, so wait, you're telling me, hope is in the jar and he's like, yeah, hope's in the jar,

but she doesn't let it out. They're like, so people don't have hope? He's like, well, no, people get to keep hope because it's in the jar. Well, if murder was still in the jar, people wouldn't be murdering down there. So once it's out of the jar, is when people have it.

He's like, listen, I've already sent this to the publisher. I can't change this shit now. All the scribes are already making copies, so just go along with it. Monkey's out of the bottle, man. Monkey doesn't go back in the bottle. Oh, so we come to Athena, her Roman name. Is it Minerva?

Got a rough break on the Roman name. Man. Go from a real hero to zero situation there. Yeah. A reverse glow up. Goddess of Wisdom, Handcraft, and Warfare. Pretty badass to have Athena be the goddess of warfare. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Can you imagine out there out there in that suit of armor? Just probably looking hot as shit. Do you think any of this was like porn for the Greek people? Buddy, how many times have we talked about people banging in here? Yeah. No other plays and stories. You don't get Shakespeare where you just get a five-minute scene of someone having sex with a cow

and then turning you back into like, everyone's just banging here. Yeah. That's like the Greeks didn't have. have hangups on this kind of stuff. So the Greeks might have started kinks is what you're telling me. Oh, 100%. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, Athena would probably be what would be considered a muscle mommy. Absolutely. Yep. Some lady that's out there chopping wood and it does something for you and you just can't quite figure it out. Are you familiar with that woman on Instagram? I know of what you speak. Reels encompassed really everything.

All right. So, yeah, the Lady of Athens, protectress of heroes. She helps Hercules in four of his 12 trials, and then also helps Odysseus out during the Odyssey. Yeah, she's the one that's whispering and Odysseus's ear trying to get him back home. Unfortunately, Odysseus is a very distractible man. She does have a little bit of a hot streak, though. You don't want to catch her out of her armor when she's not expecting it because there was this guy name, is it, Teresa? Yep.

So, Teresa was a hunter, I believe, and he made the mistake of accidentally, walking upon her while she was bathing herself. I'm guessing out in some type of like river, stream, waterfall-based scenario. He's out there just hunting with his dogs. Something real picturesque. And I don't blame the guy. No.

He sees this goddess bathing. Well, she catches her spine on him and basically turns him into a stag, a deer. Oh, no, no, no. This guy just gets turned blind. Oh, this is just the blind guy. Yeah. Okay. You're thinking of Artemis.

Oh, gotcha. Okay. Again, these two things cross paths in very weird ways. Okay. Yeah, she just goes ahead and is like, hey, you got to see the best show of your life. Now you can't see anything anymore. Thank you. If that's the last thing that guy got to see, he might have been pretty good off.

Athens is a very classic broad. Again, like we talked about, she goes ahead and beats Poseidon by giving the olive tree. Athens being her well Athens being her founding city You have Probably the greatest Tied again with Artemis Is like the greatest

Epit What would you call that Like Buildings in her honor Like structures Oh yeah like the best examples of like Fucking structures of worship Yeah statues

and yeah. The whole city is just built around, again, like we talked about in the Athens episode, it's built around the Pantheon. It's built around the Acropolis and in the area where she was just absolutely worship.

That's the first thing that they go to restore when they restore things. Just a very important figure. And there's some debate, they think now that based upon like what they've seen for the writings

and the poets putting all this together is that they wonder if essentially she was her, create she was created based on Athens as like a patron god of Athens like representative of the city but then at the same time so the argument is if that was the case then she became so popular that they literally had government sponsored temples and statues and everything like that created so to look at it that way it's like fuck these people really bought into it i almost like it the other way where they built the city with her in mind yeah yeah

It feels like that way It makes more sense to me Moving on to Aries Roman equivalent would be Mars The god of war People familiar with that game Will be well aware of Aries God of violence, bloodshed

Manliness Manly virtues baby Talk about some Only dudes wrote poetry back then Son of Zeus and Hera So again at least he kept that one in the family. Well, kept that one to his wife.

He keeps a lot of stuff in the family. He helped the founding of Thebes by creating a water dragon that was slain by a guy named Cadmus. The dragon's teeth were then planted in the ground to make them fertile enough to grow crops. Cadmus married Aries' daughter, Harmonica, and they founded the city of Thebes. A great ancient city that probably needs a lot more looking into just because of all the culture that went through Thebes. A lot of these poets that we had talked about earlier that wrote this had spent a lot of times in Thebes as well. That's where you get Thespians, right? Gotta be.

It's from Thebes, I think. It was well known as like, where you had Sparta, which was known as Warfare, Athens for its, like, Navy. Thieves would essentially be, like, more intellectually centered, I think. Yeah. Probably more of, like, the playwright stage. I'm sure they had a really big amphitheater. but yeah, Aries was a badass. He was a certified badass.

He shows up fighting in Homer's epics is just kind of everywhere spotted all around. I mean, they're tailor-made for him. It's just a bunch of battles. He's going to be the one that everyone's reaching out to to help him win these fights. And again, absolutely snookered by Aphrodite's. They had a real love, love, hot body relationship.

I don't think anyone had a chance. She was the goddess of love. she needs some tricks. Yeah, it's true. Even if they weren't into her, they were going to be into her. Next, we have Hermes, known as Mercury to the Romans.

Basically, the messenger of the gods got to travel, commerce, communication, borders, eloquence, diplomacy, thieves and games. I love that there's thieves in there. Well, thieves and games takes a real, like, right turn away from everything else. Yeah, but I love that there was a god

that represented the thieves. Like, he sees someone pickpott and he's like, I see you player. Yeah. He was the son of Zeus and a Zimph named Maya And he was regarded as the divine trickster Like a Loki type Type character

Had a lot of fun it seems like The wing sandals And the Helmet with the wings on it Are kind of The original Flash war Mm-hmm Two very just really big

Things that have carried over today Um Shit Gold Wing boots Mm-hmm Red Wing boots Redwing. Red wing.

Yeah, red wing boots. Again, the same idea with their logo with the... The feathered wing coming off the boot. Uh-huh. So he's kind of transcended into regular culture as well. Homer wrote that he was the protector of Purim. Priam, sorry. As he went to get Hector's body from the Greek camp,

and that was when the Greeks were dragging Hector around and really making a mockery of him. He accompanied him along that way. And he shows up in stories like they talk about as a messenger. I believe he was able to, because he was able to fly so quickly and he was able to move so freely, he could kind of transfer between divine and mortal worlds very quickly. Yeah, like he had to be able to get to Hades really quickly

to be able to deliver messages, Olympus really quickly, the mortal world really quickly. Next up, we have Apollo who actually transitioned over to keep his name. This is a real ping pong ping pong situation. God of sun, light, prophecy, philosophy. He was an archery.

Truth, inspiration, poetry, music, art, manly beauty. At some point when there were not gods of things, I think that they started just kind of like, you know in the episode of the office where they're diving out the beans to develop races to determine?

I think at some point they just have all these qualities and they had this big pile in the middle and they were running out of God's decree and they're like just keep flicking some over here. They're like sunlight, archery, inspiration, music. Son of Zeus and Leto. And depending on when these gods came into these poems, if you

have to explain shit, you're just going to start adding more things on because the more that you enrich that character, the more you can do with them. Fantastic resume. Yeah. He was the twin brother of Artemis and the inventor of string music. He invented

the liar. I don't know if I enjoy liar music or not. I listen to a little bit of it just to kind of try to... It's just harp. Yeah. Very much so. Baby Apollo had seen a vision of killing a python and it was a

serpent name, or it was a serpent dragon. Ooh, I wanted to ask you this question. Dragons in Greek mythology and dragons in Asian mythology, what do you think came first. I'm not sure because I think the dragons in, I think there's like a couple different like

viewpoints of that. So the dragons in Greek mythology were like, um, basically like giant serpents, like water serpents and stuff like that. They weren't really like dragons per se. They were more like serpents, I guess. You then have like medieval mythology and that's where you get like the dragons with like wings and stuff like that. Eight gold, eight treasure.

Yes. And then you get in like, for like the Chinese version, I think that's where you get more of like the ones that had like the whiskers and the red ones with the scales and everything like that that could breathe fire that were like really long. So I think you get different versions of it. So I think when, you know, and I think its name was, was it's named Python? Yeah. And was did they name the snake after that or was it named after the snake? It's probably what they named the snake after. That's, yeah, I don't know.

Huh. I didn't think about all those differences. And I guess maybe we just kind of lumped them all in. It's like, oh, that's a dragon. You guys are just talking about dragons. So this sea serpent or this dragon serpent python, he was the guardian of the Oracle of Delphi. The Oracle of Delphi was this insanely important figure in Greek mythology

and actual Greek-like culture. So basically the Oracle was this woman who, would was said to have kind of the microphone to the gods and have prophecies and be able to kind of like see the future and would basically just get high off of burning whatever the fuck like erga. I don't know what it was. But would go into these like rages and spasms and everything. It would be just shouting nonsensical fucking words. And they would interpret from those words like what the prophecies or what the message was supposed to be. So crazy that it's basically like going to like a messengers.

ethic and being like, I'm going to need you to smoke this real quick and then I need you to help me what to do. Well, throwback to a very recent episode, the Oracle of Delphi was the ones that told, or the one that told Bisesis to build his town across from the blind people. There you go. So it was just such a center of wisdom that if you had to have a question, you had to go straight to the Oracle and get the answer because they were the only one that were going to give you the correct answer. So Apollo ends up killing Python, who was the guardian. and as Apollo was basically seeking worship,

he had run across the snake, he killed it with a single arrow, and then declared himself as the deity of Delphi. So basically he was just like, you know that snake that you guys had guarding you? And they're like, yeah, and he's like, so I killed it. So now you pray to me.

I'll keep the oracle safe. Don't worry about that. I'll take that roll over. But when I do that, I get to be the deity of Delphi, which is great alliteration. Anything that she does well is because of me. Go ahead.

We got to dive into his twin sister, Artemis. She was Diana in Roman rule or Roman mythology. She was the goddess of the hunt, the wilderness, virginity, which is shocking that a god would still have that or a goddess would still have that. They had to sign it to somebody. Yeah. The moon, archery, childbirth, protection, and plague. She also, again, since she was the twin of Apollo, she was the daughter of Zeus and Leto.

And Artemis was, it's interesting to me that they made a, oof, that their misogynistic beliefs on life led them to make her the goddess of archery. You would think that that would be more like a war masculine type thing to make a god of, not a god. of her brother was also a god of archery yeah and they made sure to make it a point that she wasn't as good as him oh okay but because they were twins she'd inhabit or she'd inherited some of that skill but yeah she she wasn't they made a clear point to be like she was like the second second god like if you if that guy wasn't available then like you could call her um and like i was talking about with um Athens treating Athena in such a way building these monuments her temple at

Ephesius, I believe is how you pronounce it, was one of the seven ancient wonders of the world. So, Ephesius built a temple for Artemis that was considered one of these seven coolest things in the world. That's a pretty big flex to have that in there. Action, this is the guy that was similar to the story earlier. Action the hunter had spied on the virgin nakedness

of Artemis while he was out hunting and she was bathing. And his punishment, she went ahead and turned him into a stag. Well, the issue with that is when he was out hunting, he was using hunting dogs. They're like 50 of them. Yeah. And so when she turns him into a stag, the hunting dogs don't recognize who he is and immediately attack him in terrible part. So blindness, torn apart by your own hunting dogs, I'll take blindness.

They have to ratchet it up. Yeah, true. She can't just make him blind. They've already done that. That's old hat. So what do we do next? We turn him into an animal and have his dogs eat him. Well, and Action was a virgin.

Action was pure. Nobody had ever laid eyes on her nakedness before. So that's a much bigger charge. Finally, we get to... He's got to be the favorite. He's got to be the one that people have worshipped the most in their own way. I like him because it's kind of a deep cut, I think, but God of Wine from Third Eye Blind.

is one of my favorite third-eye songs. Absolutely fantastic. Every time I heard about Dionysus, I just immediately started hearing it in my head. He's a god of wine, like I say, God of the grapevine, festivity, fertility, ecstasy, madness, and resurrection. He was the son of Zeus and Semley,

and he was just there for a good time. He was followed around by these guys called Sators, which are my favorite characters in this whole crazy story. They were half man, half goat. Usually they had the horns on top of their heads. They had hooved feet and raging erections, pretty much at all times. All of the depictions of them.

Danny DeVito's character in Hercules was a Seder. Was he? Yeah. Okay. Just really pretty crazy beings. Just a bunch of horny goat dudes, just playing flutes behind him getting the party started. Yeah, they hung out with Pan. They love playing the flutes.

I'm sure the Pan flutes. sure the pan flute was probably created because of him. When Chris says real horny guys, there's accounts of, like, people walking through the forest and seeing these saters tugging one out on a tree. They were really... Probably just the village masturbator, to be honest with you. And they're like, yeah, I saw him out there jerking off. They're like, oh, that was just a sater.

That was Pete, the sater. Got to watch out for him. Don't get too close. He was the master. Yeah, Pete was the master sater. You don't want to get too close. If you get within arm's reach, he's going to stop jerking off pretty quickly, and you're going to be in a real bad position.

But this crazy-ass simile story. So, Semley was tricked by Hera into believing that Zeus was not her lover. Zeus had to appear in certain forms with mortals because seeing Zeus or seeing the power of a god would kill someone. Seeing Zeus in his natural form was more than any mortal could bear. So, what she's what Herra had told her after she befriended her, I'm sure Herra befriending you as a mortal was probably a pretty big deal. She's like, well, if he really is Zeus, I kind of need to know. So what you're going to need to do is ask him to appear in his godlike form so you'll know that it's Zeus.

Zeus, drunk on love, well, drunk on sex, comes back down to Semley and probably wants to get him another piece. and real happy to see her. And she's like, you need to do something for me. He's like, deal, done, whatever. Where's the river sticks? He's already trying to, he's already taken off his clothes and everything. She's like, hey, can ask you a question. He's like, yeah, what?

She's like, well, would you do anything for me? He's like, yes, yes. And she's like, promise. He's like, yes, what is it? Where's the river sticks? I'll put my hand on it. Just let's get your pants off. And, yeah, it was basically like, I need to see you as you are.

I need the full zoo. treatment. He's like, I don't think you want that. She's like, you told me you would give me anything or one. He's like, fuck. Yeah, I guess I did. And as he, I basically see him like unrobing. And as he does,

a real Pulp Fiction moment where you start to see the glow. Yeah. Or a real Raiders with Lost Ark situation where you open it up. And basically, she is immediately reduced to ash. After that, Zuz closes the robe.

lights go out in the room and he's just like, God damn it. We didn't even bang first. He looks down, he's got his erection. He's just like, what am I supposed to do with this thing? Walks outside, moo. Game on. So, you would think that that would be where the story ends. Definitely not where the story ends.

Dionysus is known as the person who was born twice. And as he walked over to the pile of ash, he saw baby Dionysus, I guess, in the womb that must not have to see. integrated or something like that or maybe just a baby laying there. He's also a god. Yeah, true. Wasn't fully formed. So Zeus goes ahead and scoops up Dionysus and puts him inside of his own thigh.

He sewed him into his own thigh where Dionysus then lived in Zeus's thigh, which I'm sure Hera had some questions about what was going on with Zeus's thigh. Two months later. You think I have in there? You think I got like a kid my thigh? You sound crazy, Hera. Just gaslighting the shit out of her. A kid in my thigh.

well I mean what you're gonna hold this against me that fucking Athena popped out of my head I didn't know she was in there I don't think anything's in my leg I understand it looks like a man that's in my leg it's not I promise two months later fully formed fully adult sized Dionysus is then birthed from Zeus's thigh you think every time let's get this party started every time hair is pregnant and Zeus is like quit bitching. I don't want to hear it anymore. And she's like, you don't understand what child

birth is like. He's like, oh yeah? You don't think I understand? I had my head split open for one of my kids. The other one shot out of my leg. Each, I do feel like you could see like it's, it's a crazy story as it is, but you could definitely see the progression of it getting a little bit more extreme kind of as, as time went on and as different, these different gods get introduced. I just love the fact that this was so widely recognized and worshipped that it's still the most widely recognized form of mythology. I'm just so glad there was a tipping point.

I'm so glad that it turned from a religion that spawned a bunch of cults into just mythology. Because that's sort of what the change is. Are you really any better off? Oh, that's a good point. I don't really know that, yeah, because I think this is more interesting. Far more interesting. I think the reason that it might have gone out of favor,

two reasons, kind of like we were talking about before the episode, was this was such a place of learning and understanding that eventually the intelligence started to outweigh the mythology where it's like, well, we can actually explain why all this stuff is happening and not that one of the gods touched us and made us...

Basic understanding of rationality and laws of nature caught up. Yeah. For what it was to people who were like, yeah, this doesn't sound right. Then you had to basically bring in a religion. Maybe that's why other religions like Christianity took hold

is because it was more... There weren't as many answers in it. It wasn't as outrageous, I guess. It was more simplified. And plus, at a certain point, do you think people were just like, man, our deities are kind of douchebags? Like fucking blinding people for access.

They're bathing out in the woods. Like people just walk out in the woods. This guy's, the king of the gods is just coming down banging everybody. Indiscriminately. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's that. I also think that there kind of is a shift from like poetry that's really nonsensical and useless to like parables and teachings of a monotheistic god where one guy, it's just a straight pipe. pipeline of him doing good things and only good things, which I think we're kind of told what

religion is. If you read the Old Testament, there's some shit in the Old Testament that is very, very rough. It's very Greek mythology-esque. Yeah. So I think you see a transition from the Old Testament into the New Testament and depending on which version of the Bible, you start to see that stuff go out of favor because it's hard to sell a God that's killing 40,000 people on a whim. So it's basically like the Old Testament And then the New Testament is they kind of like it's like a property that's acquired by Disney Yeah Oh, that's a great

Yeah, they have to clean up a little bit and Greek mythology never got the Disney treatment I mean it technically actually did get the Disney treatment by with the movie But that's the exact thing is they took it and had to Just clean it up to where everyone was a benevolent figure and none of this like none of it was 90% of the shit that was actually taken out And they just were like these are like this is like this is all. the good shit we can take out of it. We're going to be lucky to squeeze one movie out of this. Stripping this thing down to the bones.

Exactly. So yeah, it just, it never had a chance to get that. Apparently it's had a little bit of a comeback, not like in a major way, but there are certain people over like in Greece and the Mediterranean everything that are kind of like, not believing in this kind of stuff, but they find more like of a national pride of like kind of like paying more attention to this than of modern religions. Because at the same time, if you were to come to me and being like, which one makes more sense? This one or this one. I'm going to look at this one and be like, this one's,

there's like a lot of like bad shit crazy stuff going on here. But I can at least understand this a little bit. Yeah. Whereas the other one is just like, that's too, like, I'm just supposed to take everything on faith on this one. There's no, there's no answers in this one. Everyone's favorite answer is, well, he has a plan. Yeah.

And in this one, it's just like, oh, no, the gods were just horny. It's like, I understand that more. Well, and that's what it is. It's totally relatable because when you're trying to learn from a religion that anything bad that you do will be punished and there will be retribution for sinning. But then you look at this and it's like, oh, I kind of see what happened here. This feels more realistic to me than just being punished for every bad thing that I've ever done. They're sinning too. Yeah.

If anything they're doing the worst shit. They can't cast any stones. Uh-huh, exactly. All right, man. I think we covered this pretty well. Yeah. Apologies for the pronunciation of a lot of these, but hey, it's all Greek to us. Oh, that's good to end on. Yeah, well, I did that at the very last bit, so everyone might not have heard it.

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