Historically High - Napoleon Bonaparte

Episode Date: June 14, 2023

This is it!!! You're here, it's the definitive podcast of Napoleon Bonaparte. We here at Historically High take a soup to nuts approach to our dictators. There is so much to Napoleon that isn't widely known. He didn't come from a royal family nor was he even technically born in France, but by the time he was 30 yrs old he was the de facto ruler of France. He envisioned himself the heir to Alexander the Great and Julius Cesar, destined to bring order to the world. And he built this all off his tactical brilliance in battle, seemingly always showing up to fight will the smaller force only to brilliantly defeat his opponents, which there we a shit ton. Alright enough talk, stop reading this and hit play. Support the show Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, pens and papers out, and welcome back to class. As always, I am Professor Chris. And with me for our little trip through history is the gentle giant himself, the Sultan of the studio. Adam, how you doing, buddy? What a fantastic introduction. We're trying something a little different with that. I'm great.

I am pumped about today. We get into business. Yeah, we're getting down to it. And it's history class today about a gentleman who I thought that, I think he was a gentleman. But I thought that he, there were some misrepresentations of his stature that I had in my life. And kind of like in pop culture,

we're talking about Napoleon today. Not dynamite. No, not dynamite. Napoleon, a bonaparte. He did blow some shit up, but he didn't use dynamite. That's true. When you hear about him, though, I mean, what's the first thing you think of?

Napoleon complex? Yeah. Short man, little man syndrome. Turns out he actually was a normal-sized man for the time. So he was, yeah, he, 5-7? Yeah, and that was average height? I think that's still sort of right around where we are today. Interesting point about that.

It came from propaganda, propaganda made by the victors in this whole situation, the British. Which unfortunately is a spoiler to our tale today. Our guy, well, not our guy, but the guy, Napoleon didn't actually come out on top. We waited 200 years for people, 200, 300 years for people to read the spoilers and everything. Since this happened, we're not ruining anything. No, no. So, let's get into class. We will see you guys on the flip side.

All right, so, Napoleon Bonaparte, born Napoleone of Bonaparte, was born August 15th, 1769. And born in, and it's so weird, dude, the fucking connections between the research. Okay, we just talked about, like, I just mentioned Corsica during like the D-Day stuff about all that, the territory and everything. Before last week, I had no idea what Corsica. And this guy is born in Corsica and apparently to a family like descendant from some minor Italian nobility. Well, it's all so weird because before when we would talk about like the Middle East, it's like, that place was always up for grabs. It turns out just everywhere in fucking Europe was up for grabs all the time. It was just changing hands.

Yeah, and it would be like a year, it'd be two years. Corsica, I think, was a little bit different because it was an island. But as soon as France got a hold of it, they kind of... It did belong to Italy initially. Yep. That in Sardinia. But I don't know what happened to Sardinia. But anyway, so Corsica ended up being literally taken over by the French, the year of Napoleon's birth, wasn't it?

I think it was the year before, maybe. I think it was the second year into the rain. Okay. Born, like you said, Napoleon, born-aparte. I mean, that sounds like a name where you can play the pervert Napoleon, it's an Italian name. Yeah, but it's, you're fucking to the mouse in your hand. Maybe it's just because of, like, when you see, like, Rago now

or you see, like, Napoleon, um, olive oil or anything like that. It just, it sounds Italian. It does. And he was. I mean, their whole family was, like you say. Well, yeah, I mean, they came from that, they, you know, came from an Italian family. And the whole thing is just because France now rules your has, you know, rules your country, that doesn't then make everyone

technically it does make everyone French but I mean French with a huge Italian ancestry he didn't even speak French until he was like nine years old and he did it very poorly after he did well I guess it also helps the fact that he didn't move to mainland France until he was nine and start learning it because

if you were staying on Corsica you would probably be forced to learn a little bit about it in school or like but you would still be speaking at home just whatever your native Corsican was like some it was some version of a Italian. Yeah, and he actually, like you said,

he kind of grew up with some nobility. It wasn't like direct lineage or anything like that, I don't think. I think he came up, like, not like rich, but well enough to do because essentially like, yeah, when he was nine years old in 1779, the family moved to mainland France. And it's, when you think of France,

it's so weird to think because you always think, like, especially with us talking about D-Day for the last few weeks, France, up closer toward Great Britain, you'd think more northern France. You completely forget the south of France, like the climate, it really spans, like, the, yeah, the south of France is what you think of, like, the French Riviera.

The French Riviera. And so, then you have that, which is directly across then from, like, Egypt, right across the fucking Mediterranean. It's nuts. And so, yeah, they were able to just move from Corsica on to mainland France. And somehow he got a scholarship to, like, a military academy, basically. this wasn't like, for like older kids. This one was like more of, I guess,

what you would call like elementary school. Elementary school. Yeah, elementary school. Well, how many times in movies they're like, I'm sending you to military school and the kids like 10? So there's obviously military school just for all ages. I guess. Oh, fuck. Kindergarten military school?

Like, not nap time is not nap time in kindergarten military school. But this is just another thing that kind of throws me off too because I immediately, whenever I think the French, sorry French listeners, I don't think like fighting. I don't think war. I don't think quitter. Well, I do think quitter. But I don't think anything like that.

But this was a time. We're always starting shit, apparently. And maybe that's where it is now. Maybe that's why they like either try to run away or stay out of it because of their history. And I'm not saying anything, Nick, I really want to go to France. I really want to experience your guys of culture and everything like that. I'm just saying, and this is, I understand what this is the pot called the kettle

black because this is Americans saying this and our view our view in the eyes of the world is not good. Yeah. We know how we're seen. And you know what? I'm sorry for that. We did some shit. You did some shit.

Our shit is more recent. You were apparently doing shit for a long period of time. Not all that long ago. But I do think that maybe that's why France almost has that like that air about it and everything. Like you guys are so. fucking snooty because you used to conquer everyone and then you were you got slapped and like knock that shit off because we're not going to let you do it again and then after you get invaded by the Germans you're like oh we we need help a couple times this the parallels that get drawn and I'm not

saying that we talked about this before I'm not saying that Napoleon was ever on the level of Hitler really in any way but kind of the way that they did things was so very similar there Maybe more Germany as a whole in Napoleon? There's a big wide freeway to dictators. And some go straight down the fastest route to it and just try to kill people and all that kind of shit. Napoleon kind of like was swerving side to side in certain lanes. And maybe he didn't know he was, at a certain point he knew he was going to be a dictator and everything like that. But early on, I think he was just kind of swerving around advancing his way.

Well, and he did his killing on the battlefields. And to try to quell a revolution. But other than that, he seemed like he was actually, for everywhere that he conquered, he kind of seemed like he was the first version of Sim City. Yeah. He would show up in a place. He would take it over. This is why I have such conflicting feelings about Napoleon is that, okay, so he did everything through military conquest. I'm not saying that he was right to just go into these nations.

But sometimes, like, the nations were fucking with him. like Austria and France apparently just fucking hated each other. Austria. All the time. Never ever gave up either. So, but at the same time, so he's conquering on this. And then at the times, I think that he should be like, you're done, dude. Like, if you didn't take this next step, you're good.

Like, you could be seen as, like, a positive figure. You can concentrate on your country. And then he fucking, like, takes it three steps further. I'm like, why did you do that? And then it makes me think it's like, this is where the crazy maniacal part of you is, is that. You can't stop. You didn't really have like an end goal.

You got to where you were going to be. And being like, but I can get a little bit more. I can get a little bit further. And that's kind of what he's about. But anyway, getting back to early on. Where did we leave off on this? He was at a military school. When he was in France, though, like mainland France,

he was still very anti-French. He held a lot of sentiments towards what they did to his people in Corsica. He was super, what do they say, like Corsican independence? and stuff like that. He was very vocal about that. He believed that his island technically should be free. Like he's over enjoying everything that there was to do in France and all that.

I'm sure he probably didn't enjoy it as much because it was probably just a reminder. But at the same time, he was fucking like, excuse me, it was already France when he was born. So it wasn't like he grew up in a... Can you pass me in the Lucy's? It wasn't... No free ads. It wasn't a situation...

This is debate them in. This is the one freebie. guys get Lucy Breakers. You're paying for the next one. But he really, he only had allegiances because his dad was such like a radical

Corsican, or Corsican independence push. And he's also like a politician too. Yeah. He was kind of grew up in, not into that, but he grew up around it.

So he must have, must have had a general idea. But any hate that he harbored had to have just come from his family because it wasn't like he actually watched them come be taken over. So it was just secondhand. Well, and this is going to go hand in hand with. So at this time,

the French is, France is being run by the king of France. So it's the monarchy that's running France right now. And then as he's getting older. King George, the seventh, I believe or the 11th? I can't fucking keep them in the kings of fucking England. The guy that came back in and replaced him was the 18. Because there was some type of, wasn't there like a relation between them or there was always a claim? I think it was just a lineage. It was just a line like we see in England. It's one of the kings. of France. So he

his gripe is toward the current French regime is what it is not toward French as a whole because you're going to see where he just embraces it like you know fucking hook line and sinker. But as a young man he gets out of this younger military school and then gets offered into gets an offer to go to this place

called the Iquale Militale I don't know how to fucking pronounce that in French. It's essentially like the top military school in the country. Both of them sound very much like they wouldn't be because the first one, first military school we went to was Brian Le Chateau. Yeah, what was the, um, was it the Olympic council that had the big long flowery French name? We did it during an episode.

I can't remember what it was. Uh, soccer, wasn't that? Yes, it was the World Cup, like, and it was this like 18 word name about their fucking federation. Yeah, they, they're flowery about shit. And at this time while he's going to school, his father dies and he kind of becomes the head of the household despite not being the oldest son. He was like the third oldest and the father was like,

these other two are fuck-ups. Napoleon is our only hope. So he has to take over as like for support for like his mother and like still people living at home. He was, I think he was one of, his mom had 13 and I think like eight of them lived. So he was technically like one of eight.

So he had eight other mouths to feed. I think a couple of his brothers were older. So they should have been out doing shit. They got jumped in line. to try to support the family. Like, that should say something. Yeah. So he ends up graduating one year when it normally takes two.

So he fucking bust his ass and graduates out of this place. And in 85, he's made a second lieutenant in an artillery regiment. So at this time, like artillery, if you're thinking about it now, it's like fucking big guns and all that kind of shit. All sorts of shit. Oh, yeah, I guess that could apply to anything. But when you're talking about, like, back then, this is basically cannon, cannon regiments. Canons and sling shots were what they specialized in, I'm sure. They still did, like, Trebyshees and slingshots?

I mean, why wouldn't you? Like, that it seems like outdated technology for the time. Is there a more technical term for, like, a large slingshot? Catapult. Yeah. Okay. Treboschet, I think, is the same thing. It's just weighted different.

That's the weighted one, and the catapult is just has a, can have. I think Catapult solid Treboschay has the swingy rope that launches shit. Yeah, that's right. Either way, one of the very cool things that I learned, which I'm sure we'll talk about eventually, during this upcoming French Revolution, they created the guillotine. Yes, they did. Very odd that the French would create a guillotine,

but it was a very effective method. There are so many fucking things that come in during this story. It's insane that are like widely known throughout history, just like even common knowledge. So he becomes the second lieutenant that's in our artillery regiment, and there's basically against France,

at this point, is this when the French king has been deposed, right? By the time he graduates, the French king has been disposed and there's like a Republican place. Not yet, because 1789 is when the French Revolution kicks off. And they basically sweep in. They knock George out. Yeah, so by 1785, George is out. Yeah, but 1789 is when the French Revolution happened.

So the king was still in place at that point. So when did the siege of, well, that doesn't make sense because the whole reason for the siege of Toulon and the British coming in and capturing French area was because they were coming in to try to take out that whole coalition thing. I think Toulon didn't happen until the 90s, though. Like 93. You keep going, I'm going to look up my dates.

Okay. So yeah, French Revolution kicks off and he was still in France. He wasn't really big on what the French did in Corsica. And he sort of started to embrace the ideals of the revolution because the revolution meant change. Revolution meant that there could be a possibility for Corskin independence.

You're right. Okay. I'm a big enough man to admit. He really saw the writing on the wall that this could change everything. And this French Revolution, the first one that swept in, what were they called?

What was the power structure? It was the... Directory. Directory, yes. They did some weird shit. That sounds like such a fucking clandestine, like name. that you would see on a movie now, like, the directory.

Yeah, like, that's 1984 shit or whatever that. I think they said it was a collection of five individuals, like not a tribunal is three, but a council of sorts that, that were kind of ruling. They kicked them off of a normal calendar. They went to a 10-day week. And yes.

And it was like 10 days a week, 10 hours a day or something like that. It was so fucking weird. And, like, there was no Christmas. Well, that was part of the religion that they just completely kicked out. They didn't let the Pope in there. Again, can't really hate that idea. But at the same time, it was odd enough to where there was a chance. That's right.

That's right. Because they didn't like how comfortable the crown and the church had become and were letting them interfere in different matters. And really, that's kind of like the first separation of church and state. And they fucking killed that king. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Georgia, I think it was George, one of the Georges. He went pretty quick.

I don't know if he went the way of guillotine, but he certainly was. And then they evacuated. the heir and the rest of the royal family the British had evacuated them and they were in Britain. Yeah. Okay. In that same year, like you were talking about, he was appointed the senior gunner and artillery commander of the Republican forces. That's right.

Later on, that same year that you were talking about, September 8th is when his forces arrived in Toulon. Okay. And he's such like a he loved cannons. He was a canon sexual.

This dude, when he walked into that artillery, He had canon Fiva. Yeah. They didn't have like a very adequate amount. So he would go send them on raids to like old abandoned places. Forks in the towns and stuff. Old fortresses. He knew tactically he was such a tactician and he would study shit.

He already knew where these places were. He's like you're going to look here. You're going to look here. And they would like come back with like different cannons and shit. And even during Toulon, I think early on, he couldn't get enough ammunition of cannibals. He went and like built or took over a fountain. Foundry.

I foundry and started making his own fucking cannibals. So if he didn't get it, he was so fucking industrious that he was just like, you know what, fuck you guys, I'm doing it myself. A point before that. So the whole reason that the British take too long. So everyone's watching France during this revolution. Now you've got to understand that France being under a monarchy is the norm in Europe. All these other countries are essentially run by monarchies. Kings, queens.

So they see what. happening in France and they're like oh shit we just saw a monarch get his fucking head chopped off and um we don't want to let these shoes get out yeah revolution we got a fucking not let this thing happen because what could it could go one or two ways they could let it go and hope that it failed because then that would be an example to everyone that that couldn't work or they were scared of shit that it would work and they would the people would be able to rule themselves through it any other you know means. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, they're on the fucking chopping block when their people

create revolutions. So part of this, it was the first coalition they called it against France. Get used to this term people. Coalition. There's going to be a fucking lot of them. And every time we say it, the word coalition is always opposite of just Napoleon. Yes. So a coalition of countries is against France. Or just against France. Yeah. So it's everything is a numbers game. And we'll see that coming in to where the numbers game always was like not on the side of Napoleon. And when the, uh, when it switches and when it was,

he, yeah, it was weird. He like he, like he didn't know how to deal with it. Yeah, it was like he, he was almost like a victim of his own success.

I'm not sure what to do with my hands. Like that kind of shit. So the British come into this port city of Toulon and take it over and basically turn it into like a fortress. and they send Napoleon to go handle it. He was somehow, he had written a pamphlet on artillery or something like that. It was popular with some higher-ups in the French military, and so it kind of ingratiated him to them, so they gave him this assignment.

But you couldn't just, like, go to Toulon and, like, do a siege and hope to starve out the British, because they had the port, and they had control. And at this point, too, like... Port equals control of... Port equals control, but not even... that. So Britain has always, there has always been sea power. They don't feel the largest, like armies, but they have complete control over the sea. And so in this situation, because there's a good portion of French coast, both north and south, they can just bring in supplies and resupply,

you know, whoever is in Toulon. So Napoleon actually has to force them out. And this is where you get your just first example of like the tactical brilliance. And what he's going to display for his entire career. That's the best word I can think to describe it. He was a brilliant tactician when it came to the battlefield. So in Toulon, apparently there is a large hill where... There's one or two of them, yeah. And they basically can overlook like you can see into the port and then you can see into the city.

You could also... Yeah, because of the port, you could see over the coast and see where the ships were and everything. So he knew that wherever you needed, or wherever, like, you needed to be there, it was going to be at the top of one of those hills. Yeah. And of course, the Brits knew it too. So they fortified those as much as possible. But the strategic brilliance of Napoleon was, we're not going to try to take them to the harbor.

We're not going to try to take them in the city. Most of the strength was in these positions where it was behind like the wall of Toulon and around the city itself. So they had reinforced these hills, but this is in the bulk of like the English troops. No, this is just the most tactically advantageous position. Yeah. So he ends up capturing these hills He's wounded in the thigh Like stabbed through with like a bayonet or a pike or something

Yeah so this was the other very interesting thing about Napoleon Was most leaders always lead from the back They're calling the shots Napoleon was not about that Napoleon was out on horseback And like you you said to his credit He was stabbed with a pike in the leg On like the fifth day of battle or something like that

He was crawling through like a mud trench or got knocked into a mud trench And then got step And the thing is too is then he like rallied his guy Yeah. And they saw their wounded commander, like, rallying him, then they just fought. And this is going to be, that thing throughout his entire career is he's so ingratiated to his troops

because he's literally on the ground with him doing work. He even gets a nickname because of it. And it sounds like an insult, but because it was created with such affection by his men, he allows himself. I think it sounds affectionate. Really? Yeah.

I think it sounds like, not degrading, but demeaning. The little corporal? Little corporal. I mean, as a general, he's being called little corporal. But that was his deal.

They always talked about his tact for being able to be there to load the cannons to put the shot in the cannons. He was out there on the front lines doing it. And they said so many times that they would see him riding through battle. And they said they would see the ground being fired up between his horse's legs because he was being shot at. So they capture these two hills, one hill, the high ground basically. And they're able to fire. And they made sure to make one of this heated shot down onto the British warships and basically lit them on fire or did enough damage to where the British had no choice but to actually pull out.

Heated shot means they were on fire or they were just warm? I don't know why they would be heated unless you were using them to start a fire. Oh, it was because one of them, what would happen is they would fire them because of the arc of the shot. If they were hot, it's not going to make it matter for how much damage it's doing. But if it got into the powder stores or anything like that, it would start fires. Because one of them, and they said it was like, as almost, on cue for like the British retreat. They had hit one of the ships like in the powder stores and it just exploded.

Gotta feel like that's a big win for them. Oh yeah. I thought they may have been heated so they could retrieve them because if it was a cold steel cannonball, it would hit and probably shatter. But maybe like warm steel cannonballs when they hit, it would just stay intact. But the heated thing makes sense. Yeah, I feel like the heated thing would have to be very intentional to start a fire. Well, you would also think that it would be.

be pretty fucking hot after a bunch of gunpowder just exploded. Yeah. Yeah. So he ends up coming back to Paris and literally as he's coming back to Paris, first of all, he's already gaining popularity now because of this, because he just forced them out of too long. And as he gets back to Paris, there's like another counter-revolution going on of royalist supporters.

So people that had supported the monarchy, they said a lot of it was like people. in rural areas and like outside of Paris so almost a very weird similarity between how like cities are in our country where you have more like I guess liberal people in the cities and everything like that and then outside you have more of the like loyalists well and it's because they hadn't when you're living out in the countryside you're ruling yourself kind of yeah you hear a king's decree maybe like once every 15 times you don't see a bunch of troops walking around the street being dix tier or anything like that no

Yeah, it's a completely different deal. Did he get his promotion on the way back, or was it? It was after, because it was what he did. They got him the promotion. So he gets back. And so Napoleon is firmly on the, not the royalist side. He's firmly on the revolutionary and the directory side. So he's in the support of this current government, which makes sense because he's being given military commands.

So he gets back. It's a situation in which there's like an actual sizable, like. an actual sizable, like, rebellious force, like, in Paris that are coming forward, like the directory and everything. So they're like, uh, Napoleon gets there's like, hey, Napoleon, there's some people shown up that kind of either wanted to pose us or kill us. We're not really sure. If you could just kind of stop him, that'd be really great.

So he runs out and there's not really anything. I mean, he has his soldiers and everything. He sends his soldiers. He's like, where's the cannons? He's like, well, they're out kind of outside of the city and everything for defense. He's like, go get the fucking cannons now. They go and grab a whole shitload of cannons, and I'm not sure where the directory is.

It's at the Royal. I was imagine like the Royal. It would have to be in like the palace downtown. Something like that. And basically has these cannons now defending it. Well, some of these revolutionaries show up. A lot of revolutionaries show up. So Napoleon had this kind of mindset of,

I can kind of like placate this thing a little bit, and what's going to happen is it's going to drag this thing out. They're just going to, they're going to think it's a slap on the wrist if I don't do anything and I'm going to be dealing with this for a long period of time. Or I can just make an example out of some people and just nip this thing right. You come in at a five, they're going to push back and there's going to be some back and forth. You can be two to 11. Yeah, 11 is going to shut this thing up real quick. And his 11 was something that they would load into the cannons called Grapeshot.

Did you hear what it was? Okay, so you knew what it was. Yeah, it was like a bag of a canvas bag of tiny cannon? lead balls? Just tiny cannon balls is about the size of grapes. It was buckshot. Well, yeah, it's like a blunderbuss cannon. It turns the cannon into a shotgun. Which, close range, very deadly. No, what was the terminology he used when he told them to fire? It was giving them a whiff of grape shot, wasn't it? Yeah, give him a whiff. That's what he said. He also, right before that was like it's better just to meet these things head on than try to...

Rip off the bandaid. I'm ripping off the bandaid. So he ends up ripping off the bandaid to a tune of a about 300 people killed. 1,400. Who got killed in the revolt. So I don't know if it was just the actual bridge job. I think that engagement might have been 300. And then during the revolt itself, when those people probably started getting a little crazy

when the other cannon started going off. He was like, you get a whiff. You get a whiff. You get a whiff. So guess what? Guess who's really thankful. The Napoleon got this thing squared away. He had a beautiful name too, Robespierre.

Mm-hmm. Robs Pierre is a solid name for a Frenchman. And yeah, like you say, he took a shine to him and he sent him out. Well, this was when he becomes the colonel. He goes from colonel to Brigadier General of France's Army of Italy. He gets the promotion at this point. I thought was he made the commander of the French Army of Italy or was he made the artillery commander? Because he got at one point, they're like, you're going to be the artillery commander of Italy.

and then at another point they said he was going to be the oh yeah that happened beforehand okay you're right um but also while he's in Paris before he goes and takes command to the French army of Italy he meets a lovely gal Josephine uh for female listeners

I apologize for the words that I'm probably going to say about this lady um but yeah she just understand I'm not saying this because I'm anti woman I'm saying this because she was just a generally shitty human being. She's a dirty, dirty slut. Yeah. Josephine de Bardonales, or some French pronunciation of that last name. Here's the other thing, too, when you're thinking about Napoleon, because everyone has this, well, he's five foot three or whatever. Okay, first of all, again, he's five, seven. I also take offense to this because I'm five nine. I feel like five nine is pretty average. I feel like

five seven, I understand that short, but you can still live a relatively normal life at five seven, even in our society. So let's back off. However, Napoleon is not that attractive of a guy. No, he swung and missed a lot before this. He did. But at the same time, this guy is already the commander now of the French army of Italy. So guess what? It's not like she was a royal. And he was in the way that he talked to her and wrote letters to her and everything. Of course, we're getting a rose-colored view of history because certain things... Exactly. Also, because Napoleon's not going to write in his memoirs like I had to... choke that bitch the other night. But the way that he, you know, tried to court Josephine and everything.

You heard how he met her, right? Wasn't he the, she was the mistress of like his commander? His old superior, his name was Paul Barris. Oh, that's right. And he's like, hey, Napoleon, I want to hook you up with this chick. And he's like, who is she? And he's like, I used to bang her on the side. He was trying to get her off of Paul,

or Paul was trying to get him off of his hands. He was trying to unload her. That's right. Yeah. So he just basically was like, hey, I have this issue, you can't find a woman to save your life. Have you met the little corporal yet? Do you think he called his dick in secret the little corporal? Probably the big corporal, just to make himself feel better. Like, I'm the little corporal, you're about to meet the big corporal. Which I doubt it being a 5-7 man. Anyway, apparently he's able to get Josephine interested enough to marry him. So they end up getting married. She was interested more in the position and the cachet. The social status.

Oh, 100%. Because he was also going to be gone so much. Well, and this is where I'm going to say some mean things. Josephine was just a dog. Oh, yeah. As soon as he was gone, didn't she start banging her like one-eyed, like horse? What did they call those? Stable boy? No, there's a ferrier or some shit.

No, he was in the military. He was part of the cavalry, but he was like a lieutenant in the cavalry with one eye. Well, and apparently he was a very striking guy. Oh, yeah, like that dashing eye patch and everything. Josephine herself grew up somewhere down in the Caribbean, I believe, because she grew up on like a sugar cane plantation. Oh, that's Haiti. Haiti, I think. Because that was a French colony, that's right.

And apparently she'd eaten so much sugar cane as a child and brushing teeth wasn't a big deal. It died the bottom of her teeth, right? It just rotted them away to blackheads. Jesus. So you see pictures of them or pictures of Josephine, and this is something that a lot of people said. I'm trying to visualize a scene in a movie where a woman smiles and it's just like, yeah. They said that if you had seen a picture, like a painting of Josephine and then met her in real life.

You're like, that's not the same one. That's right, because she learned how to smile with her mouth closed. So she pictures and paintings because she had to. Okay, so Napoleon even gets more points because this chick is a fucking ugo apparently. And not only that, he's sending her these sweet letters, my love, my lust, my everything. She has everything she wants. He's sending her, she has money. She has like an opulent lifestyle and everything, not even close to how it's going to be going forward.

and how the fuck she still stays around after all of this, it's going to make more sense later in Napoleon's life, but early on, I don't fucking get it. Well, like you say, she was getting the money, but she was like going as far as,

like, reading these love letters to her friends and laughing about it. Yeah. She was just the ultimate bitch with it. And like you say, the day after, or two days after they got married, he gets shipped off to Italy.

Yeah. So he goes immediately, he's like, wedding, I'm sure, Napoleon did everything fast, Like he moved fast, he ate fast, he fucked fast. He did everything he could as fast as possible.

So I'm sure he pounded it out. They said when he needed to sleep because he would be milling around, making sure all the cannons were in correct positions. If he got tired, he literally wrapped his coat around him and sat down and slept between the cannons and then would just wake up when he was rested and started that shit over again. So to think that he left his honeymoon, was like, all right, getting off to do you. Like, that's why I'm so conflicted on this guy. Like, he's not as bad as some of the worst people.

he just didn't know when to fucking stop. And that's the biggest thing. And it was his undoing. That's right. So he goes down for the Italian campaign and guess who it's against? Get used to hearing about this. It was... So they were...

Where were they initially from? Austria. But... Austria-Hungary. That's what it used to be. Okay. So, because it was all one area. Something like that.

Because sometimes they talk about... We're going to address this at some point in history. I don't know when, but it will pop up because everything fucking pops up at some point. Yeah, we'll get there eventually. Yes. So these Austrians will make pretty much an appearance

in every single one of these. When we do, I think, Caesar, I think this is when we're going to get an explanation for how the country is kind of getting divided up. Very much so. Yeah, the Austrians have taken refuge and they've taken over Italy. And I think it was theirs.

Because Austria was... After the fall of Rome? Because Austria was part of the... greater Roman Empire. So I want to say that the Austrians were doing something, and that's why he went down there to sort business out and ended up whooping the Austrian's ass, like just beat him in every engagement. Enough so to where there was clear road between him and Vienna, and he starts marching

toward Vienna, which is in Austria at the time. It might still be in. My geography for Europe is actually. I'm pretty sure Vienna's, yeah, it has to be the capital. Okay. So it starts marching toward Vienna and they come out and they're like, hey, hey, hey, how does a treaty sound? And he's like, all right. Well, and that was the move because it was 1794, I believe, at this time.

And it was the battle of Sal Grio, Sagario, whatever it was. And he mowed through them. Then he went through his place called Ormia, roved through them. And it was just like he wasn't ever meeting resistance. So he just was like, okay, well, let's just keep going. He beat the Austro-Sardinian Empire. We bet we get to the ocean, boys. Yeah.

Yeah, go until you see Blue Sea. And like you say, he got so fucking close to Viet. Like, whoa, how'd you get here? We had a lot of shit in between where you started and where you ended up. Did you? Did you? Maybe we need to have some peace talks. And just as fast as that all happened, it was just incredible how quick you.

went. The reason he was so successful at this point, too, is when he went down to Italy, he did the exact same thing he did when he showed up to that whatever size of the troop he was commanding it Toulon. He saw that they were lacking shit. And as soon as he saw that in Italy, he started putting

in requisitions back to Paris. My guys don't have fucking shoes. I need more cannons. I need more ammunition. And then started when they didn't answer did the same thing. He started trying to gather shit himself. He did get sent some stuff, but he was basically preparing these troops to be able to fight to the best of their ability. Well, when he showed up to the Army of Italy, and it was just called the Army of Italy,

because it was France's Army in Italy. Anytime you hear say, like, the Army of the Alps or the Army of Germany, we're referring to the French Army that stationed there. The arm of the Army. Yes. So when he shows up to this Army of Italy, they haven't been moving a whole lot. They haven't been doing a lot of shit. They're kind of complacent.

Hardly any fighting. They got really, like, stationary and complacent. And once he realized, like, I got to boost some morale, what can we do? Well, if we just march on and fight and win, like, a loss at this point is going to crush us, but a win is going to shoot us completely up. So when he first showed up down there, he's 26 years old. He's given the command of the Army of Illy at 26. He comes in, and some of the generals that are serving under him are, like, twice his age,

and have as much battle experience or war experience as he is old, so 26 years. He doesn't come in and act like he knows everything. He meets all of his generals, finds out what they're in charge of what their specialties are. And in a couple instances, with all of them in the room, he'll sit down with a guy and just start pestering them with questions. And there was an account of one of the guys watching him. He's like, he questioned him. He repeated his questions. They were simple questions that anybody who had been in war for a number of years who should have been in position should know.

But weirdly enough, he was not shy about showing what he didn't. know and wanted us to know that he was learning and that he would know it. And he's like, I should have not respected the man and I should have been worried about his command, but it made me respect him more than I thought I ever could. He showed almost like the human element of himself. He's like, I know I don't know this, but when I do know this, I'll be able to use all your skills together for the good. I'm going to be commander regardless.

You're not getting your command back. So you might as well teach me so you don't die. And I think that kind of, um, awareness is also what would really ingratiate him to the people that were loyal to him. So him blowing through Ravoli, just like he did in 1794, when he did it in Vienna, basically. After Ravoli, the Austrians was like, hey, peace. And this, I've never heard a more useless term in my entire life than a peace treaty. Yeah.

The shit just, it was like. There are so many of them in this and none of them in shit. No. No, and they really didn't. And Napoleon's the actual reason that peace treaties and them coming together is like a whole conglomerate, it's basically why this happened. It was solely because Napoleon just he would get, he was a sneaky little rascal that would get out and cause trouble. So one of the reasons, or probably one of the main reasons he was so successful early on from a military standpoint, is that he pretty much rewrote how like troops were going to move and how war was going to be fought.

So most of the time with traditional warfare with all these other countries, you would have huge groups of soldiers. You would take those huge groups and to supply those troops, you would have to have supply trains, wagon trains, all this kind of support. And it would really slow down because you could only move as fast as the slowest portions of your military and you couldn't outrun your supplies. Napoleon adopted and wanted an army to be self-sufficient and live off the land. So they were able to travel lighter. They were still having to go ahead and take the artillery and cannons, but they had horses. and trailers to do all that kind of stuff. As far as food goes, as far as rations, anything like that.

So he was able to out position all of these larger armies to get into advantageous positions. And that's why he was able to, in most cases, beat these larger forces with smaller forces. He was just able to outmaneuver. He was more outmaneuver. He was more flexible. And when it comes to fighting like this where you're trying to fight with like tens of thousands of troops, being nimble and flexible and being able to route one way and shift another, that's why. what, you know, leads to victory. Well, in his whole early thought process, it just, it makes so goddamn much sense.

And we talked about this, I swear, in like every war that we've ever talked about. But the fighting styles of the day were that of like you would have a right flank and a left flank. And then you would kind of have everybody sitting back in the middle. And you would have an even number on both sides so you could kind of figure out how to get around it. Napoleon's idea was... Pitched battles. Yeah. Like when you're just facing off against each other and you try to analyze the enemy's weakness.

Are they weaker on the left flank or the right flank? Okay, we're going to try to flank them by sending our armies around and, you know, get them from the sides. That was like the traditional warfare. And to Napoleon's credit of not having very many troops, he saw that idea is pretty stupid because he was going to be outnumbered in so many of these battles. So this plan was like, why don't I just load up the right flank? We go and kick the shit out of everybody on the right flank. Then as the left flank advances towards us in the fighting, we're just going to turn around and smoke them. Like we're going to cut off an arm

And then when the other hand comes over to get us We're just going to crush that hand He that was something he used over and over again So like these other armies would approach And they'd be like we're going to split our forces You're going to go left, you're going to go right And we're going to envelop these guys And then crush them from the side

And Napoleon would basically just be like Okay, I'm faster than you So before you guys can even get into position I'm just going to turn all my guys to the right All out number you because you just split your forces And as soon as I'm done Your other guys that aren't going to know what the fuck is going on, I'm going to turn back the other direction and meet them and still

outnumber them. It's just such a brilliant strategy. It's so, but it's so simple to go like, how did other tacticians? So basic. Because they didn't have the mobility. It may have been thought about it, but like, we can't move guys as fast. Yeah, and I mean, what happens if they can get around us? I think the flanking system was to stop them from getting around to getting home. Well, and the other thing, too, is when Napoleon, he's not just like a great tactician. This is when he starts to become kind of a politician because these areas after he signs this treaty and he starts kind of heading back when he goes through italy he's not just like okay i'm taking out the army i'm taking out you guys you know everyone go about your day he's essentially like rewriting like legislature

and putting certain people into like positions of control and then like rewriting laws and how things are going to operate as he moves through these places and as he moves through him he's like i'm here to liberate you well and that's just the political side of it But when I was talking about him being like a human version of SimCity, he would show up to these places and get down to like coordinating trash collection in these towns. Traffic signals and roads. He's like, you guys should have roads here. Like he showed up.

He's like, I'm here to take you over. I liberated you everything. He probably didn't say take over. He probably didn't say take over. He's like here to liberate you. We're going to build these things called roads. We're going to have people come around and bigger trash. Being in Paris like he was in everything, that stuff being such a civilized place at that point in such a developed place.

He had to just be like. Those might have seemed like crazy suggestions to these people. He was like, no, we have these all the time. You should have streetlights. They're like, what the fuck are streetlights? It's like, you know, when it's dark, you can walk down the street. And he's like, what? Yeah, so one horse doesn't teebonne another horse coming down the freeway here.

You're riding horses in here? This is the 1700s, though. They were, that's true, far from anything else. So at this point, man, he's a fucking celebrity in France. And do you have anything else before he comes back to France? No, before we head down to Egypt, we need to take a pass from break. All right. Sounds good, man. All right, well, we take a break from class and take care of some business.

You can also take care of some business. If you don't follow us on Instagram or Twitter already, our Instagram handle is historically high pod. That's historically high POD. And our Twitter is historically high. That's historically H.I. All right, and back to our show. All right, we're back.

all right so he ends up coming back to France he's a fucking rock star everybody loves him you know who doesn't love him the directory people that put him in charge people that did this they don't like how much favor he's getting like in the eyes of the public they know that he has the loyalty

of at least a faction of the military and so they're like hey is there anything else you want to do can we send you somewhere I don't know if he brings it up or if they bring it up but he's like you know what I really am obsessed like I got such a hard on for Caesar and Alexander. What did the labels do? They went and conquered Egypt.

I think I should conquer Egypt for France and they're like, cool. Well, part of the reason why, too, was because so much of that area, this is Egypt and this is Alexandria so far out of antiquity. Like this is after the tower, the lighthouse fell. So this is, they're completely taken over. I want to say the Islamic State is down there and they're kind of running some things. Yeah, he's running like the Syrian and Syria and everything like that. Yeah. Part of it too, I believe, was just the fact that they knew so much about all of the artifacts and everything that were there that they wanted to bring them back.

Because little known before this, the Louvre that's in France now was actually the like De La Napoleone Leu. That's right, because the entire time he's going through Italy. the entire time he's just sending shit back he is raiding everything and sending all the art back from italy and so much of it that the louvre before it was the louv like he said it's fucking named after a deploying because he provided so much to it and it was just like all the spoils that he collected he was sending back he would always bring like archaeologists and art like art people that knew about art on his like with his military so they could identify stuff to take back so when he went to Egypt. First, he ends up going south of France, takes his men over there. I forget,

was it 40,000 he took something like that? Uh, yeah, that number sounds close. So he takes roughly 40,000 and sets off on like 400 ships. At the time, it was one of the largest armadas that have ever been, you know, collected. Sales across, uh, makes a stop in Malta in six days, takes over Malta for France, installs a new government, writes a new constitution, helps them like he was saying roads and shit and everything and then he's like okay cool I got something else to do and then keep sailing for Egypt they are able to land at Alexandria right yeah okay and go listen to the Alexandria episode if you're not familiar with it part of just everything that he was doing and I think part of the

reason why the directory really started to seem as an adversary was because of things like we're talking about like all these paintings and everything everything that was held in napoleon's louvre was just like it was he was bringing shit back that people were going and seeing and like appreciating yeah the other thing that he was doing was in these towns he was setting up like newspapers and he would set up one for like the locals and then one that would be sent back to france and again he was like the editor of these newspapers so he could write whatever he wanted about himself like his celebrity status if you look at people that really hold sway it's like you know, when someone says they made, you know,

someone has this much like social star power and this person has this much based on all their fucking social media and all that shit. Like this person in post impacts 100 million people. This person who's actually in power and is making decision affects like 2 million people. It's that Napoleon thing where they're like

these guys are only seeing everything positive from Napoleon and anything that goes to shit around here is on the directory because we can't blame it on Napoleon. Yeah, and not to mention he's only sharing his Everything is trumped up to the max Probably not a good term of use right now

He controls the narrative, baby He who controls the narrative He made himself out to be just this superhuman thing In a way of Which I don't think he wasn't But just like in these old school Hannibal, a guy that I Dove too deep into because of Napoleon

Alexander Yeah Hannibal's getting one for sure But these conquerors Of the past he's like the last conqueror, so he got to see everybody else's and kind of modeled his game after these first conquerors. That's true. He is really kind of the last, yeah. And he's

the last conqueror because of all the shit that he did where they're like, we can't keep fighting with each other. They can't keep doing this shit. So he ends up going to Alexandria and he takes archaeologists and everything like that with him, but before they're able to start digging anything out, there's the Egyptians to deal with. And because they're in Egypt, that's

why they're calling them Egyptians, but they're made up essentially people from the Islamic State and all that kind of stuff. I can't remember what their exact, the exact name of like the people in that area were. Like Mulwadis or something like that. Sorry if we got that wrong. Yeah, bad.

If it's an offensive term, I plead ignorance. So this is literally a first world army against now a third rate army, first rate and third rate. Not even one, there's a whole rate between them. We're so far removed from Alexandria being the big deal in Egypt to Cairo being kind of,

of like this central hub of everything that goes on down there. So they sweep into Alexandria, clean out Alexandria very quick. Did you know what the disparity was? Mm-mm. So like just taking over Alexandria, so I had 29,000 soldiers, 29,000 killed versus 2,000 Egyptians killed. That's right. It was literally bows and arrows and swords against rifles, or not rifles at that point.

Musket, sorry, there needs to be a distinction because that does come into play later. Muskets and artillery and cannons and shit. So it was bloodbath. You see 100 guys running at you with 100 cimitars. They said that that's how they charged in. And they literally waited for them and hit him with grape shot. And they just disappeared. They just got it mowed down.

They did not, they didn't know what the fucking, I don't know if they didn't know what the fucking guns were. They didn't think they were going to work. So while they're digging down there, Napoleon's down there. He's in charge. They unearthed. Do you know what they unearthed?

Rosetta Stone. The fucking Rosetta Stone. They find this black stone. They're trying to dig away to find the foundations of an old Ottoman fort, I think, because they want to create a French fort and stronghold down there. They find this black, granite, whatever the stone is made of. And on it, they find the fucking three translations between, is it Greek? It's Egyptians the final one.

And then it's Greek and something like Samarian or something like that. I think it is Samaritan. I think it was Greek, Samarian, and then down to the Olympics. If you don't know about the fucking Rosetta Stone, it is how we were able to decipher for fucking hyroglyphics in Egypt because it was basically a translation of the exact same sentence or everything and you could tell what letters matched up to what

because there were still people around that either spoke Sumerian or spoke Greek. And this was how they basically translated in when we talk about Alexander, this is how kind of the gap was bridged between the Egyptians and the Greeks. So this is of course going to get sent back to the Louvre.

Here's the deal, people. It is not in the Louvre. It has held someplace else. because... It's in the British Museum of History, I think? So somewhere along the way, Alexandria has been taken over. They want to go capture Cairo, I think.

So Napoleon starts heading toward Cairo. He leaves... I think he marches across land and he takes some stuff across water, but his fleet ends up going to anchor like kind of in the Nile Delta. And he marches his men into Cairo. There's a battle in everything.

And they end up taking over Cairo. So Cairo is now in French possession. Again, very little French losses. It's just the disparity ban, the weapons that they're fighting with and everything. And I think also there was kind of after Alexandria, I think maybe some of the whoever was manning that for like the Syrians and everything. Or the, I don't know what to refer to that during that time. I think it was just the Islamic State.

The Islamic State. They probably pulled some people out too. Well, while Napoleon is busy here, they're still telling us. technically, they are not on good terms with the British. Ew. After Toulin and everything, they're technically kind of in a state of warfare. So, while Napoleon isn't paying any attention, what's the dude's name? I know he didn't have a left hand or a left eye.

Yeah, he had, oh, he was a badass though. He's like an admiral or something like that. Oh, Horatio Nelson. Nelson, okay, Admiral Nelson. Probably where the rum comes from. There we go, baby. So he sneaks in And did you hear the way he did it?

Yeah, they skeletonized a couple of the boats And they snuck them up between the French fleet and the harbor Yeah, so there's the French fleet And it was sitting a little bit off the coast Where it could still be in water enough Yeah But like you couldn't get anything

And they had the coast to protect him They weren't worried about getting attacked from behind They had all these ships guns pointing all outward His fleet was smaller And what he did is he took like I think like a dozen or like maybe two dozen ships and lightened up as much as he possibly could

and basically came down the coast and was able to squeeze a line of ships between the coast and where these guys thought was too shallow got half of his ships in that way and then had his other ships move in to draw their fire from the front and then hit them from the back and just completely took out this French fleet

like completely decimated the entire French fleet in the Mediterranean except for I think like two ships. Everything but two. So and that's also going to somehow come into play here in just a little bit either. So Napoleon gets a word of this and is like, fuck, I'm stuck in Egypt. So if you know anything about geography, the only way to get back into France is to actually go farther east.

And then you got to go north, go through Syria and all that stuff. Go listen back at the, oh, it hasn't dropped yet, has it? Uh-uh. Okay, there's going to be an episode about T.E. Lawrence of a radio. coming out. So this is going to play into kind of the geography of this. But he has to, he decides he's like, yeah, I think we can just march across the desert and probably just go up through Syria and take over a bunch of places. And then I'll find my way back to, I'll find a port and then we'll get back to France. So that's what he fucking does.

Well, the only way that he was able to escape back, he ended up coming back to France by boat. But it was because the British had left the port and left it open enough to where they could get it all the way around. Yeah, he had to get back. up to where the boat could get him up. Yeah, it wasn't like Cairo. You had to go up through like the Syrian desert and then get up into where it would have been like where, not Jerusalem, Jordan and everything was on the coast there. And then eventually he took over a bunch of cities and conquered him. And then he ran into one where I think he started was losing men to the desert and all that kind of shit because he's never fucking fought in the desert. So he doesn't, I think, know what he's doing. But he's still winning these victories because his tactics are so fucking sound. they're outweighing any of the disadvantage he has. Well, and he also shrunk down his, the amount of soldiers that he was taking. That's right. He left, I think, like. I thought it was 30,000 down in Egypt.

Yeah, down in Cairo. So he took 13,000 or 15,000 into the desert with him and was still winning these victories. Yeah. And any other, you know, general that would leave or any other leader of an army that would leave that many people behind to be captured and then taken prisoner, like, you would be in trouble for doing that. Yes. But him showing back up to France, France... He also abandons the guys that are there.

Yeah. So not only the guys in Cairo, the British end up capturing all of them, and the Rosetta Stone, which went back to the British Museum and has never left there, I don't believe, and that's why it's not in the Louvre. Napoleon found it. The British got it. So he abandons all the guys there, and then the guys that are surviving after they capture

that last port town, I can't remember which one it was, the two surviving ships somehow make it I don't know how the communication there happened I don't get that there would have had to have been runners somebody on horseback anything like that to get back to them

yeah and like where were those ships hiding because the British were still probably like being like did any get away yeah well it was just the two but the blockaded weekend they'd gone to do something else that had drawn their attention so they actually probably went to Cairo

and that's who probably took Cairo yeah ends up hop in one of these two ships and is like, hey guys, I'll be back for you, and leaves like a good sizable portion of the guys that were with him and marched through the fucking desert there, and then takes off and makes it back to France. But guess what doesn't make it back to France?

The information of what actually fucking happened. It's what Napoleon says happened. Well, it got back, but Napoleon beat it back. But he had also spun it to the point. He's like, yeah, I conquered Alexandria. Yeah, I conquered Cairo. you guys didn't send more guys down there? As far as the rest of the troops that were caught,

some of them did make it back and said this was a bad deal, but he had already spun the narrative when he was there to make it sound like he was the great Victor. So he ends up getting back and is even more fucking popular at this point and who's not popular at this point is the directory. And so through some various schemings and back-channel deals and backdoor handshake, they end up throwing a coup

and it kind of seems like Napoleon is he's not like leading the coup he's just kind of the one kind of there he's like I just want to make sure this like transition is like peaceful or something like that I like I don't know how he presents himself but it makes it to where he comes out like a good guy in this so he has a I believe it is one of his older brothers

his name is like Leon Leon something like that and he's in the Senate or he's the lower chamber. So there's a, there's the directory, and then there's the 500 that meet below them, and then there's a lower chamber. So they end up moving everybody out of Paris because they're seeing revolution going on again and they're about to get kicked out anyway. They go in and he, uh, Napoleon's basically like, you guys need to get out. This isn't going to work. You need to step down for all this to happen. Excuse me. So they leave to go disband. And tried to give him the old, hey, you guys tried here and just tried to ass, pat him out the door,

like, we're going to, we'll fix this. We'll take care of it. Hey, no shame. You tried. Well, he didn't want like a bloody coup. He wanted to be able to take over as a peaceful transition power. As seamlessly as possible with as much of his popularity intact. So what he did was they went out there.

The 500 refused to disband. And there are guards and everything that are stationed outside, but they're guards that, that are still pro-Nopoli, and they're just there to protect the directory and the 500 and all that. His younger brother gets up when they just finally can't decide, and I guess this guy was a shitslinger.

Like, I heard the expression that he would get in an argument if he was the only person in the room. He was that kind of a guy. He told him, he's like, this isn't going to work out for you guys. Like, you just need to make this decision and step down.

We need a new government structure. This isn't going to happen. They still say, no. Napoleon breaks in with a bunch of his soldiers, and they all have knives on them. Baynets. They were using the baynets on the rifles, yeah.

And everybody goes, whoa, you said this was going to be peaceful. You're in here to try to kill us. And all the guards outside are like, we're supposed to be protecting these guys. But this is Napoleon. Like, what do we do here? And as he comes up, he walks up to his brother and his brother pulls a knife out on him. And he holds it up to his throat. This is all theatrics.

This has all been pre-planned. This is just like trying to get the upper hand. Is this a work? Yeah, yes. This is a work? This is a work to 100% what's going on. And basically backs him down. Well, now that they've seen the threat of Napoleon,

and they know that there's really nothing else that's going to go on, they agree to step down and step back. And the new French government that they're supposed to be setting up is... It's a triumvirate. It's, yeah, it's a tripod, and they're called consulate. So there's the first consulate, second consulate, and the third. It's the consulate, and they're the consuls. Oh, console, that's right.

And guess who gets to be the first console? Yeah, turns out Napoleon makes himself the first choice, gets to handpick the second two, then goes ahead and sort of... Picks the two other guys that were kind of the leaders in the coup that represent different groups and everything. He restructures the power yet again and basically says, I'm going to be the primary console, you guys are going to be the secondaries, which they had just gained... She starts like rewriting the Constitution and just passing shit into law, like super quick. He's like, I should probably do this, but I should take care of this, but it's... It's military, so that falls under me. He's basically assigning all the power to himself, and it's like, you guys can take this or you guys can take that.

And then he throws the people a bone. He says, we're going to vote on this to make sure that everything is chosen by you. Well, there might be a little bit of vote fixing that went on because I think they said initially they had like 1.5 million people that voted. And it was 99. Well, somehow it turned out that 3 million people had voted in favor of Napoleon. And it was only like a thousand people. So yeah, it was like a 99.998. There were only a total of like three million eligible voters in France.

Because so, and this isn't just all the people in France, but you had to be eligible to vote. A man. Yes. Like they said that a huge portion of the French population, like two thirds, couldn't speak proper French. Yeah, very dumb. Even fewer could actually write or understand even writing. So it's, yeah. So unless you can just put your handprint where you want.

So there's a very select group of individuals voting. But yeah, apparently like 99% of them voted for. Smoke the vote. Biggest landslide Lanslide So Everything like this goes down And the rest of the world's going on around France sees this again

And they're like, well, we haven't gone to war with France in a little bit And so Who comes back up that just got smoked? It's the Austrians again And now it's the second coalition Because they're with Britain Because Britain Britain hates France.

So they're always like on board. They're like, I think honestly, Britain is always just putting out feelers? Be like, is anyone ready to fight France yet? And finally, Austria is just like, we're ready again. He's like, great. Me and you, Austria, we're going this time. And very quick.

And here's the thing. He's basically, so he's first consul of France. He's the most powerful man of France. He's like, all right, time to get the military going again. Doesn't stay in Paris to lead or assign anyone. He's like, I'm going. Hey, he just became, like you say, he just became the ruler. And now he's a de facto ruler.

He's in all but full name. I'm taken off. I'm out of here. We're going to fight again. So he's to get to the Ottomans or sorry, to get to the Austrians. He has to get across the Alps. Well, the reason he has to get across the Alps is because while he was in his kerfuffle down in Egypt, the Austrians are like, hey, they're not in Italy anymore. Oh, yeah.

They're fucking around down in Egypt. Let's go back. Let's. reoccupy this land. All our fucking arts gone. So they take the peninsula of Italy again. There's two ways to get into Italy. The first way is by boat down just directly

into them. Well, three ways. Because there's that strip along the coast in fuck what's it called. I forgot. Piedmont. Is that where it is? And it's where you can march an army. It would be the place that if you were going to stop an army coming in Italy, you know that they were coming that way. And you just put all your guys

very easily to... So it's a long flat area between the coast and some mountains. that you can march from down. It's the predictable place and it's where all the defenses are. So it's not smart. Or you can go by boat. Second way, they just had their whole entire Navy basically destroyed and sacks.

So that's not in there. Door number three. Door number three is marching through the Swiss Alps to come through the north, which seems very cold, very inhospitable, and very tough. Here's, okay, I'm going to ask you a question about this,

because that's the way they go. Yep. do you think because he he read you know all of the like biographies and everything he could get his hands on he was and that's I think something about certain people like this

they get obsessed with history and they want to recreate it but in their own image so he read everything about Hannibal and again we've already touched on how much he loves Caesar and Alexander he almost saw himself as like a better version a version that could surpass essentially what they did

he's like an amalgamation of them all exactly and he also always, and you can almost point to things that he does, he's like, that's his Hannibal phase. And so Hannibal going over the Alps, he's like, guess what? We're crossing the Alps because they don't think we're going to cross the Alps and they're going to be completely caught off guard. Well, and they show up in Northern Italy and there's just nobody there to fight them. He catches them with their pants down.

Yeah, there's nobody there so they're like, okay, well, we need to get down to the peninsula. Let's just march. Let's just go. So the big battle that happens in Italy is called it was it the Battle of Morango And the French have 24,000 troops and the Austrians have 30,000 Were these countries? This is going to come to play this entire time. Keep finding these fucking people to fight their armies is fucking insane.

Like the breeding programs that these countries are Must be running is madness. Well, France had a conscription. So they were pulling from a lot of different places. Yeah. And when they would take over a place, they would start pulling more than always had one of the higher populations like in the world just because of all the farmland and shit. So he divides his troops up after he was using a spy that he thought was working for him that was spying on the Austrians.

That spy was actually working for the Austrians by giving him- Flip him. Yeah, they flipped him. So he gave Napoleon some shitty information that said, hey, they're going to be splitting their forces and going to one direction with the other. He's like, okay, well, I'll split my forces. Well, it turns out they were not going to split their forces. they were going to try to pull a Napoleon and keep their army together and fight against half of Napoleon's forces when he split him and wipe them out. And to their credit, I mean, they did really well.

In the beginning, the Austrians absolutely beat the shit on Napoleon. There was like one thing that Napoleon hated to do when it was retreat. Yeah. He wasn't big on losing ground because he didn't, wars weren't really fought to total victory. They were fought until somebody retreated. So he didn't want to. It was pretty seldom to like the entire Yeah. You're not getting completely

wiped out. There's a certain point when a certain number of people have died in front of you that you think to yourself, that's going to be me, I'm leaving, and everyone behind you has already got that same idea or has already taken off and you go too. You turn around to look behind you to see your forces

and everybody behind you's already going. You're like, okay, I probably got to go to. Luckily though, Napoleon had gotten word to the other forces that had split off and said that they needed to come back. So as basically the Austrians are whooping the shit out of the French preoccupying their whole force. Yeah. Napoleon's riding

through to everybody in the French army, you got this, we're going to do this, we don't give up, we don't lose. He's rallying the troops to the end of the degree. We can do it. If we win this, we go back, we eat baguette. It's going to be great. And they're doing at this point too. They're doing, it's not, it's a controlled retreat. So, they're getting a little bit of ground as they can kind of reposition, trying to kind of also pull the Austrians closer in toward them.

So they're, well, they're trying to buy time for reinforcements. Exactly. And basically, it was kind of like at the final moment, before all hope was lost and retreat was imminent, he sees like a plume of dust on the horizon or like getting closer.

And it's from all the marching, the other half. And basically they come in behind them, not the Austrians, they come in behind Napoleon's forces. And he gives this rousing speech about how they're going to, I can't remember. Oh, he's like, oh, fuck, what did he say? God damn it was actually really cool.

He's got some cool quotes. I know it was. Oh, he looks back. He goes, we're done going back for the day. And like that invigorated the troops that were already like tired. And then all of a sudden these fresh troops came in. And it was at like the same time that the Austrians tried to big attack a big push. Yeah.

big push and they just got mowed down and then immediately after that napoleon's forces counterattack straight at him and all of that ground that the austrians had gained throughout like 12 hours of this fight they lost it within an hour of getting pushed back that was that was pretty much the the big engagement that that was the end of the second coalition yeah he just he absolutely just ransacked him as soon as the number of the number of the number of the number of the number of numbers changed a little bit. And it wasn't even like it was a big extra force, but it was just

the fact that they... It doubled the amount he split it in half. Yeah, but compared to the Austrian forces, they just had ground the Austrian forces down so much that even a little surge from the French were just going to smash troops too. All of the Austrians were probably tired from having to go and push against that. Well, and they're trying to take

ground too, so it's not only that, they're moving their defensible positions, they're bringing up their cannons and everything. It's like, oh, shit, we moved up too far. We can't go back that fast and just it was an ass whooping. And at the point I must add because this is still incredible, at the point that

he's made first console during this time frame, he's 30 years old. He's only fucking 30 years old. He's basically the ruler of France and came from fucking like nothing. From like an island France had barely taken over. So he's moving on up. Yeah, I don't know if he came from nothing but he certainly like outshined his

potential. A hundred percent. Yeah, he was he did so much extra. And so after they smoked the Austrians, he goes back to France. And there's this very weird short window that started in March 1802 that was called the Treaty of Amiens.

Amiens. Amiens? Amiens? Again, my French is rusty. I think it's, have you noticed all the treaties are named after like the nearest town? It wasn't, it weren't clever names or flowery. It was just like, we signed this one

near this guy's house. We also still do that. There's like the Treaty of Versailles that was in Versailles. But Versailles nice. Yeah. It's not like some just like village down the... They chose a better place to send a treaty. Yeah, a little bit.

So this... It was weird because it brought temporary peace to Europe. And not only between like warring nations, between like smaller fights that were going on just for like land grabs and power within countries. I know. I think all these other countries saw what they did to Austria and they realized that who was in charge down and everything. They were like... Hey everybody. Let's pump the brakes.

Let's be cool. Let's maybe just everyone go back to their homes and think about this. Let's everybody take a breath. Let's reconvene. And after this, because of this, can you imagine you basically just brought peace to Europe? And so the public actually votes to make Napoleon first console for life. So he's not leaving that position. Well, the other reason that he did that was because when he got back to France, there were a lot of people that were still pro-royal and they started making assassination attempts on him.

Well, that's why he does the emperor thing. Yeah, that's why he changes it. So once he becomes the permanent consul, they start taking some pot shots. They're trying to get him out of power that not all the French people are on board with what he's doing and what he's got going on. The royal family is still alive in Britain at this point. So there is someone to place along the royal lineage on the French throne. And you have these royalists that are still like, this isn't right. We've always had the royal family.

And I don't know. Well, part of him becoming the emperor meant that if he was ever assassinated, it would just be another person in his family taking the throne. So it was like they couldn't ever oust the Napoleon family. That's why he did that. Yeah. So he, and that's not. I mean, that makes sense for an insurance policy.

So it's not like, so if we kill you while you're the console, then it's just going to be maybe the second console that moves up. But if it's automatically, and that person might be semi-qualified, but if it's just immediately one of your family that hasn't had to do this or has no interest in doing it would be shitty, yeah, we'd rather, we'd rather do it that way. Or we're rather not going to kill you because just killing you would put an asshole in charge. So like the assassination attempts,

really dialed back after. I want to go back to that, but there's something he did before he even became emperor. Okay. That's pretty balsy, man. The thing that he did after, it's probably my favorite thing that he did. The purchase? No, the coronation. Okay.

Yes. So in 1803, after the treaty, so Europe is at peace. So he's like, I'm going to focus on my outer holdings. I know what you're doing here, and I love this. Yes. So he starts looking around it all like the French colonies and everything. And he's like, fuck, man. We're kind of cash poor right now because of all these wars.

We're going to need some scratch. So he looks across the pond and he's like, I got this big old piece of land in the United States. He's like, let's see if they'll buy it. So he transacts with us the Louisiana purchase. That happens. Napoleon is the one that does that. From what, Louisiana to South Dakota? It doubled the size of the United States in one purchase like that.

$15 million. It was less than three cents an acre. He needed that. money. And it was, T.J. was a hell of a deal maker to get that pulled off.

Yeah. Yeah, he was, wasn't he like the French, was he the president at that time or was he the French ambassador? I think he might have been the ambassador. I don't think he was the president quite yet. Ealing and Dealing baby.

But yes. Oh, the coronation. Yeah. So in 1804, this is when the coronation happens. December 2nd, 1804. He makes the Pope officiate it at Notre Dame.

He brings in Pope Pius. Like you say at Notre Dame And it's just this big pomp And circumstance You have everything going on And normally during a coronation A king is crowned By either the Pope

Or the previous king Yes Someone in a position That it's like The transferring of the royal lineage Or officiated by somebody And you would think With Pope Pius being there

That's exactly what is going on here But you'd be wrong Napoleon goes ahead and gives him a little hip thrust to get him out of the way, walks up, grabs the crown, lifts it high above his head, and crowns himself, which is the most badass thing that you can do.

Out of the way, out of the way, Padre. Just racing, he's like, yes. But yeah, so the reason he does that because basically he's harder to kill as a royal.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea of him just not giving a shit about the church, not giving a shit about anything else that's gone on. This was something that France themselves had just fought against to try to get rid of a monarchy, and now they're in favor of an emperor instead of a monarchy. Like, it's the same thing under a different name. Yeah, and it should be known at this time. He doesn't have a kid. So the person that would be next in line would be like his brother. And I'm not sure how popular his brother is definitely not as popular as Napoleon.

So that's the end of 1804, big year. Big year for Napoleon. Yeah. And it doesn't get any more peaceful after that. In fact, it goes the opposite way. No so. We can't have peace in Europe. We've had one.

We've had two. What's next? It's the third coalition. This one is made up of all the greatest hits. Britain. Austria. Now you're getting Sweden in there? Yeah.

Weird that Sweden finally is. like, hey, maybe we need to get in on this. Yeah, and guess who's coming to the table now? It's Russia. So, I'm trying to think. So Napoleon at this point, because the only one that didn't sign the treaty of Amiens was Britain, right? So he was like, I got a, he starts kind of getting in this, during this time. He's restructuring a lot of like French laws and rules and everything.

He's reestablishing. He turns it back into the normal week. Yeah. And he reinstates Christmas. So he changes that and people love it One thing he's doing is he's like I'm doing a really good job here Like everything's running so smooth

Everyone should do it like I'm doing it And so he starts Basically kind of under the threat of military Reprisal Having these countries that are like His sister nations or what do you call him His friendly nations or whatever Start to be like you guys need to do things

The Napoleon Way And at a certain point, people don't want to be told what to do or how to run their shit. Well, and not to mention, we're not talking about original border France at this point. We're talking about a much larger area in Europe that these treaties still assured France to have. So they were still in control of the parts of Italy that they had taken over. Their influence was spreading. And of course, right next to France, you're going to have Southern Germany.

And Southern Germany is... It wasn't called. Germany at that time. I think it was... Russia. Yeah. Was it Prussia? I thought Prussia was up closer to Russia.

Someone said Prussia was what would be modern-day Germany. Okay. Agreed to 80%. Yeah. Yeah. Somewhere down there. What is now Southern Germany? The greatest punching bag that Napoleon ever faced, the Austrians show up in

Southern Germany. And Napoleon goes on something called the Olm campaign. And the own campaign can only really be called a success of like the highest etcher because they had captured 60,000 Austrian troops in southern Germany, and they only lost 2,000 French casualties. That was all it took to gain 60,000 people. Oh, yeah. What happened?

He went around them. They were so fast. He went around them and cut their supply lines and food lines off. And then just basically told them, like, you guys, they didn't even battle. Like, it was a small skirmish. And then he was like, you realize you guys can't, like, get reinforcements or shit? And the guy's like, ooh, yeah, I probably should surrender. So the Austrian always seems like the flat tire in any coalition.

Every single time it seems like they're the guys that get dup first. Fortunately, everybody... They're so in for it, though. Yeah. Like, you guys start in a coalition again? Did you guys say coalition? Well, after that kind of happened, I think the Russians, like, who, this is probably something that we don't really want to deal with.

And they also had something called the Holy Romans that were also involved in Austria. they were kind of like the Holy Roman Empire. And so everybody was kind of backing away after the Austrians got taken like, hey, maybe we don't want to engage. Britain's like, eh, maybe this isn't a great idea. Russia's like, eh, let's not do this. You know the reason why it was so quick and why he was able to do that so quickly during that campaign.

So prior to the coalition getting together, he was like, I'm going to just have to invade England or Britain. Yeah. And so he was training his men and marshalling men on like the French coast. like the North French coast, building barges, building ships, all this kind of stuff. And then basically,

I don't know if Britain just like convinced the other ones to start this because they knew what was going to happen, but basically was like, hey, Austria, you want to start some shit again? They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, let's get Sweden and Russian on this. And so the armies that kind of got together first

were the Austrian army and then they were waiting for like the Russian, I think Russian army to come down. And so Napoleon was like, well, I guess I can't invade England anymore. Now, these guys are attacking me. So he had like 200,000 troops already kind of marshaled and ready to go. And he's like, I'm just going to turn you guys to this direction. We're just going to march down and fucking wipe the floor with these guys. Well, and it was for the

better, too, because Napoleon's grand idea is the same grand idea that we've seen time and time again. He needed to navigate the English Channel. And because he knew if he could get even a foothold in England, they were going to smoke them because England was like... It didn't have a land army. That was the whole on land. It was all navy. So they had to get across the English channel. And at one point, Napoleon had convinced himself and said that he only needed six hours on the English channel. He needed six hours of a clear English channel. Yeah, to get through and to win, which totally wasn't true at that point.

And not only that, how are you going to get six hours on the fucking English channel? They know that you're building up. They can, they know what's going on on your side of it. They have chips and eyeballs, God damn it. So it was really like a benefit that the Austrian started to push up that way because he would have got smoked. did he tried to come across the English channel. Here's the other thing too is that at this time he develops, and there's so many things that get carried over in our society or even militaries today,

he invents these things called CORPS. And what he basically does is how warfare usually worked was you would have your infantry, then you would have your cavalry, then you would have your artillery almost moving as three separate units. He divided them up to where each unit had a sufficient number of both, of all three infantry, cavalry and artillery, that they could be a self-supporting army and fight a battle for a day and be sufficient

while the other ones came to reinforce it. So they would run in and be able to be maneuverable and attack these armies that were only made up of infantry or cavalry and everything. So that's why they were able to move through on that Ome campaign so quickly because if he adopted another new method of warfare. Well, I believe this next thing

that we're about to talk about, the Battle of Australitz, might be the greatest thing that he ever did, like, militarily. I think they say that it's the most. I know that we'll talk about Lodi coming up, because I think that's coming up in the fifth coalition, or maybe the fourth coalition, something like that. But this Battle of Austerlitz was the ultimate bait and switch on the Russians that I think probably we've ever read about.

And he's only getting stronger going through these campaigns, too, because as he captures these places, when he beats Austria, he ends up capturing like 5,000 cannons and 100,000 muskets. So he's just strengthening his forces for all this shit. Anybody that didn't have a gun before they caught the Austrians had two guns after they caught the Austrians. So Austerlitz is basically Napoleon against what they considered an allied army. And I can't remember it's Russians and someone else, or is it the rest of the Austrians and the Prussians? I don't think the Prussians were in on it quite yet because the Prussians were the fourth coalition.

This is still three. I think this is the Anglo-Sweeds that they were talking about and the Russians. Okay. So it's outside this place called Austerlitz, and there's this strategic position called the Pratzen Heights. It's basically like this flat top hill that overlooks this entire area. Much like he did with the hills in Toulon. Yes. And Napoleon.

Except so much better. I know. Again, being such like a strategic genius, he's like, I know I have to get here before them. I know this is going to be the area. And they, the whole thing. is to, they don't want to fight him. No. Because they know he's winning so much. So it's almost like a token kind of like show of force.

So he gets to the, what was it called? The Protson Heights first. He sets up his artillery, gets set up for a battle. And the other armies are out of range and everything like that. He sees them. And after like a few days, he comes with like some type of like discussion. He's like, can we discuss terms? He's like, I don't, I'm not feeling too good about this anymore. Just honey dicks them into thinking that he's actually scared. He's like, come.

The guy that hasn't lost really anything yet is coming to the table like he's concerned. He's like, come back to my tank guys. Let's hash this thing out. I don't really want to be here. You guys are kind of. You got a lot of guys. And go so far as to almost leave out like breadcrumbs and clues and papers that suggest he's moving positions off of the high ground to like retreat. He created fake military documents to try to.

Like hey guys don't look at my table over there Exactly so they're skeptical about it and they're like this has got to be a trap and then they see him move his entire military off of this And as soon as that happens they're like they get their asses up there and they set a position and they see Napoleon has set up position like on three sides of the heights kind of And he purposely leaves his right flank very sparse very sparse and weak they're made up of his most like hardened troops so they can last as long as possible but this is part of his plan.

So he basically honeydicks these Russians and the Allies into basically they're like, look at that fucking right flank man we got to go after that right flank man. The other thing about this was this wasn't just like military intelligence this was like weather intelligence. Like he knew the terrain and everything like that. He also knew that in the more

mornings, there was always a heavy fog that laid below this... A mist covered the battlefield. And not only was there a mist, it was rolling hills a little bit. So there was pockets that you really couldn't see. And so come morning, there's a mist, but there's that right flank looking tender and juicy. So the Russians are like, fucking send it and send like the bulk of their forces against this. And again, it's, there's not as many guys on this, but they're really battle. Harden so they're holding their own against his larger force.

They're built to last. They're going to hold the line until the mist clears. You know what it reminds me of? You know those machines that have the, like, you see you in Vegas, they go back and forth. They hold the big tower of chips and you can put a quarter in. It tries to push it forward a little bit. I get caught in some of those on social media. Oh, yeah.

Fall, you mother, fuck. Where they're clean? Yes. And I see the Russian commander up there looking at his soldiers. He's like, I need to send just a little bit more down and this thing's going to collapse. So he sends down like another attack from more force. and as these guys are going down,

the sun's coming up. The sun's coming up and it burns away the mist to uncover. How many soldiers was it? It was like tens of thousands. It was the majority of... I think they said 17, 15 to 17 or something. Yeah. The majority of the troops were hidden below the mist.

And they had already gone too far. The Russians had already gone too far. So basically they sandwiched them and then charged up and retook over the heights. And then as they retook over the heights, they used the artillery to then fire down on the Russians. Which after you see that in your Great Britain, your England, I guess at that point, because they hadn't really become Great Britain yet. You hear about that. I'm sure the Prussians got news with the like, holy shit, that was a really crazy attack method. What?

We don't want much to do with these guys. Like this guy's crazy like a fox. He hit him where? It, like, mist, like fog? Yeah. He tricked them off of the high ground somehow. Did he bring the fog with him? Like, how the fuck did he do that?

So again, as we've done two other times, three other times, four other times at this point, we go peace treaty. Is that the treaty of Tilsit? I believe, yeah. And that was after he beat the Russians at the Battle of Friedland. So that was after Austerlitz, that was another battle during this campaign. And just kind of a look back into Napoleon's... And that was the fourth coalition. That was the third.

The fourth is when pressure gets involved. Is it? Yeah. Okay. So just sort of a look back at what's going on in Napoleon's personal life. When he was in Italy, with the army of Italy, he wrote back to Josephine. He said, hey, come join me in Italy. She's like, can't.

I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant with your child And he's like sweet That goddamn pregnancy This is awesome I finally have an error Only issue was Josephine wasn't pregnant

She was banging this lieutenant That was supposed to be guarding her This horse riding eye patch wearing Just freaking handsome motherfucker Yep So to move that timeline up She has written a letter Right around this time

And sent it to Napoleon saying Hey I just bought this big house With all your money Oh yeah guess what The guy that I'm banging is moving in So just completely just ruining. Like his letter goes back and he's like,

my dear, what is her name again? Josephine. My dearest Josephine. My heart has been pierced by a thousand daggers. But then he never, it's, oh, that's all it is. And he just like maintains,

he's like, okay, so I guess we're still married and you're just banging this dude? Ah, and then again, he also, um, when she tried to break up. Oh, he starts to bang people too. Well, he did do that, but he, um,

sent word back to have her dog poison and killed. Oh, that's right. That's right. So passive aggressive move to have the dog killed. Very odd. And then he starts, as soon as he becomes emperor, too, there's at a certain point. This might take place a little bit before emperor when he's still in the Italian campaign or whatnot. But then as soon as he becomes emperor, he's like, I'm going to null this thing.

And he starts kind of like mulling over it. He doesn't go straight forward, but he's like, I could probably try to get out of this. That was right around the fifth coalition. And I say fifth because it doesn't just stop at three. We go into four where the pressions get involved. We're not trying to speed through. these, but it really just... There's a lot of coalitions.

Yeah, a lot of coalitions to get through. And there's some big shit that happens, and we're trying to get you out of here. We're trying to get you at a class on time. Yep. So the War of the Fourth Coalition, Prussia enters the battle finally. And it's called the coalition, and here's the deal. It might only be the Prussians fighting him. But Britain's always in for a coalition.

So when they form a coalition, Britain's like, yeah, just sign us up for this one. Yeah. And Russia... They'll keep controlling the waters. They're just... That's what they're doing, kind of, is they're just, like, moving their ships around and being like, Where do you need us to have our ships?

Like, I don't know. We're on land. They're like, let us know if you need our ships. We're going to be back to protection. We're in this coalition. Yeah. Give us a call. Russia, obviously not happy.

I think at this point, this is Zara Alexander. Again, it's T. It's just, oh, okay. But I thought, so what's CZAR? Both. Is that just from a different country? A different portion of Russia, I think. Okay.

So Sarah Alexander gets back. back in with the Prussians this time. It doesn't go well in 1806. They handled the Prussians pretty fucking easy. Like it was very, very quickly. It's business as usual. Yeah. Yeah.

And then France scored another massive victory on the 14th of June against Russia. And that was the battle of Ferdinand. Friedland. Friedland. Okay. That's the one I was talking about. He beat him. Yeah.

Zara Alexander's like, hey, man, why are we still fighting? Right? So he's like, let's talk about this. So Napoleon's like, yeah, let's have a conversation. And he's like, you know, the halfway point what divides Russia and the French territories is this river, why don't we meet at the halfway point? He builds this big fucking raft. And not talking like Tom Sawyer, like a barge. A giant barge that's like got a structure on it and everything. So they hang out on this barge for like a couple days while like all their commanders and everything like that are all

partying together. There was like word of an orgy that might have taken place during this. And apparently Alexander Napoleon just, they like to fuck together. They're not with each other. Well, not each other. You know what?

A lot of holes. Whatever. Something might have slipped in. You don't know. But they apparently really get on together and like during their last interaction, Zarr tells him and this is I think what solidifies he goes, you know, I hate the English too. Yep.

and that's sort of their common ground that they find but after that treaty is signed in the fourth coalition that is called the Treaty of Tilsett okay because it was the closest town to the place was Tilsett okay after that

I think France just had had enough of Britain shit and Britain was really or England was really starting to push on like they'd gone down they'd captured part of Ireland like they were created basically the, what am I thinking of the...

United Kingdom, yes. And as the United Kingdom's happening, they basically start saying, well, we need to figure out how to cut things off with France. France is saying we need to figure out how to cut supply lines so basically the UK can't keep making money off of anything. So they come up with this deal called the Continental Deal

and that's basically cutting off any kind of exports coming from England into Europe, which is supposed to hamper. And I think by all accounts, it did hamper the English economy a little bit, but not a lot. Basically, you're trying to cut off there. And that shows, like, another degree to his, like, strategy. Yeah. He's like, I can't beat them militarily right now. He's like, I don't think that'll work.

Let me try something different. I'm just going to try to starve them from an economic perspective. If no one can buy any of their stuff, then they won't have money to buy anybody else's stuff. and I don't know if that included with the allies for France did they also tell the allies not to trade with Britain as well everybody in France because they actually ran a campaign

to try to basically the entire coastline of Europe they were trying to capture all those ports so they could stop the import non-usible for the British so it all was working fairly well they got everybody pretty well on board until it came down to Portugal and Spain a lot of coastline there Yeah, tons of coastline to cover. I want to say it was something like 120,000 miles of coastline that they had to cover.

So because of this, and they're not really enforcing this rule, they're allowing certain British goods to come in, using their ports and everything. Mainly into Spain and into Portugal. And then anywhere that's connected there, that train of exports is making its way into these other countries. So initially, Napoleon's like, I'm not going over there yet myself. He sends his guys over there. They can't get the job. done. So eventually after a couple losses, actually, Napoleon's like, fuck this shit. I can't have this on my record. He grabs the grand army and he heads over and he just sorts shit out. And he ends up putting on the like the Spanish throne his like brother or his cousin or something. It was his brother. Okay. So. His brother was not pumped about it either. His brother was not happy to be there. He knew how are you not fucking happy? You just been crowned the ruler of Spain? Like I know that's a weird place for you,

But just like, come on, man. Well, you're also like a proxy of your brother's great ideas. Who cares? You can do whatever the fuck you want. Well, you know that he also just put a sight on your forehead, because you're going to be the one that tries to be overthrown by Great Britain. Portugal. Just roll with it, baby. Yeah, I get that.

Portugal and Spain kind of go back and forth as far as they're fighting for their independence. They're also being aided by the Ingram. so they're overthrowing. It's just a mess. It's like the, almost like the Achilles heel of what's going on wrong in France is trying to get a hold of Spain and Portugal to try to keep this continental blockade up. Well, guess what, when Napoleon's busy over in Spain and Portugal, guess who's back? Back again.

Austria's back. For the fifth coalition. Not one, not two, not three, not four, five coalitions. And guess what? It's a coalition again because Austria and Britain are in it together. Yep. Back to their old tricks. So with that, they end up just beating Austria like a drum, don't they? Again, yeah, just red-headed stepchild for like the umpteenth time. It's, Austria was like practice for them. Like they, they were, it was like a college team coming up and playing a

professional team. It felt like every single time until. the end. And they just got smoked again and that's why it was over so quickly because Napoleon just sacked through the Austrians again. I'm sure the British probably weren't too pumped to get involved

after seeing that. Not all coalitions are created equal. No. No. So fifth very quickly over. All right. I do have to go pee and then we're going to round this thing out. All right. And now we reach our final coalition. Yeah. Sort of

in a way because there's one big coalition at the end that sort of puts an end to everything. So between the 5th and 6th coalition, he's had enough of Josephine. I don't know really what pushed him over the edge. Besides, she was getting older and she

was coming out of her childbearing years. And he had had children up to this point, but it was all with mistresses. So it wasn't like an official era parent because it wasn't a part of the royal family technically because it wasn't with a queen. He also was going to try to do it to create political ties. Yeah. And

Josephine wasn't going to give him any benefit of that either. Well, and going through everything, he had installed other family members in, like, other kingdoms. So many fucking places. Yeah, this is where the incestrious nature of, like, monarchies and shit happened. There were bonaparte in, like, major, like, there was one in Spain at that point. I think there was one on Holland. Holland, Italy, at some point in Italy.

And then, like, Florence, and I know Florence is in Italy, but it has a ruler too. But a shit ton of them. So his plan, was to annul his marriage with Josephine. Unfortunately, he had set up a rule that any woman over the age of 40, the husband wasn't allowed to divorce her or get rid of her. I don't know if that was like... But he's the emperor.

Yeah, so he goes ahead and re-race the rules. Erase the rule and wrote in, he's like, unless you're Napoleon. So he annuls his marriage of Josephine. By all accounts, he really still kind of, like, cared about her because he set her up really well, and they would, like, after they were divorced... He gave her money. He let her keep the palace, all that stuff. But he would also, like, come back and they would go on walks and they would talk.

And it was sort of like over the years of hatred, maybe they developed some sort of a friendship. But towards the end, she was the only one that had been there the entire time or something like that. Yeah. Yeah, she had taken kind of the same trip with him. Despite her getting fucking sorted by her freaking horseboy. Yeah. Yeah, she was going to pound town. She was loyal to him with the exception of that. So their marriage is an old. He's back on the market.

He's being shopped around like a sweet piece of ass because he is Napoleon. Alexander, after their little foray that they had out on the barge during the peace treaty, Alexander comes to him and I believe it was like his younger sister. 13 years old. Yeah, he pitched her to him. And Napoleon's like, yeah, that's kind of nice. Like Catherine or something like that. This ain't bad.

But him getting on an age, he knew he was like, I have to wait until she's of age. So I'm going to have to wait like five years before I can. I don't know if that was five years at that point. Man, I'm going to have to wait. years before I can put one in her. So he shoots that down. And then by the weirdest of consequences and circumstances, he gets involved with a woman named Mary Louise,

who was a, her aunt was the lady that ate cake. Oh, Marie Antoinette. Yes. And also, she was one of the people during the French Revolution earlier on in the story that also got killed. Yes. I think she was married to the king. Yeah, the king of Austria.

No, she was married to the king of France. France. She was a relative or she was a member of the Austrian court or whatever. So she was one of King George's. So in a weird way as it comes back around, Napoleon finds himself with the daughter of the king of Austria. And she was a lot older. She was 19.

Yeah. He wasn't worried about that at that point. No, she was a childbearing age. So that creates kind of a, and I think he does get her pregnant. He does? At some point. And they have Napoleon. Napoleon the third or Napoleon the second.

Now, there is such thing as Napoleon the third. He actually did come to power in France. He did rule for a while. I think it was in the 1860s that he ruled. He was actually, sorry, big hit. He was Napoleon's cousin. Nephew, yes. His brother's son.

Allegedly may have been Napoleon's son because Napoleon had hooked his brother up with this chick and he might have slipped in there. He also really like was. really invested in the kid. Yeah. Like it was like his, his favor of some shit.

So Napoleon the second pops out. Um, he actually named Napoleon the third before he named Napoleon the second, which a little bit odd. Kind of weird. Maybe saved the second for a kid of his own that was going to be legitimate. Um, so he is married into the Austrian family.

Yeah. So that, that's kind of that, that kind of solidifies maybe Austria quit trying to fucking start shit. Do you think that was what happened was, they came to or he came to Austria's like you got any hot women like if we marry him into somebody maybe he'll quit picking on us and kicking the shit they were starting shit yeah well maybe it takes two to 10 I get it yeah um so as his his home life is kind of rounding into form

Russia starts realizing that this whole continental system that's going on is pretty much a big issue for their economy and Russia turns around and looks back to England They used to buy our trees. We used to buy plenty from them. We had a pretty good relationship. It was like their three biggest things were lumber, tar, and hemp. Boat building materials. It was all the fucking boat building materials.

So they needed to get back in with Britain. And push comes to shove. Russia finally just tells Frante. Alexander's pissed. He's like, you fucking deny my sister? That too was there. How dare you dishonor me, you fucking French piece of shit? and he looks at Great Britain, he's like, another coalition.

We're open for business again. He just looks across and goes, coalition? He just gets a nod from, just a thumbs up from Great Britain. And guess what? It's on. The Sixth Coalition was the second to last, well, kind of the last official coalition that they go against. And again, it really didn't go well for Russia because it went well for them. the entire thing is

before the sixth coalition even happens, when does the invasion of Russia happen, man? The invasion of Russia happens after the coalition's formed. Oh, that's right. And it starts off Napoleon enters

or before he enters Moscow, Moscow, however you say it, in Russia. They start moving into Russia and Russia is just pulling back. This becomes an issue because everywhere else that they had fought before, they would usually like run the kings out of the city and so they could take over the city

but they kind of knew like the kings would have to be at arm's length and the city still Russia is so big and so barren that you can just run like there's so many places to retreat well they always they always had like sight or sign of like the enemy troops they they held up just enough ahead of them or something like that and initially Napoleon was like I'm just going to go like a hundred miles into Russia. And he went with a very big force. Yeah. And it was also like summer.

I want to say it was, I think it was over 500,000, because he loses about a million people in Russia. Oh, was it? Yeah. But he ends up just, yeah, we'll get to that part of it. But his initial force was that. So, and also this is kind of something that's going to require him to fight differently than he's used to. He's used to having these kind of smaller mobile forces that can support each other, but can also

kind of be standalone. He now has such a large force that logistically he can't move quickly because everything takes, you know, a huge ship takes a lot longer to turn. Well, and you can only move as fast as your slowest group of people. And at this point, because there are so

many of them, you cannot live off the land in Russia. You can't live off the land in Russia, even with a few people. Russians can't live off the land in Russia. But, so you have to have a supply train as well. So they're moving, you know, much slower than a force of Napoleon. would. And they get to that

100 miles in Napoleon at that point is just kind of like, we've fought a couple little little things. We know they're going to be right there. And instead of just being like, we'll go another 100 miles, he's like, nah, fuck it, we're just going to go the rest of the way to Moscow. And it's like 700 total miles. They held supplies, I believe it was

for 12 days. Initially, yes. And so they didn't have, like you were talking about the supply lines, there were no train track set. There was no way to get things fast to these guys. But of course Napoleon wanting to prove the point, wanting to get to Russia. I'm assuming it's weird because I feel like once they got into Moscow, which we'll get to,

why didn't he just start moving shit into Moscow? Like why didn't they just occupy that territory and take it over? Moscow? Yeah, just like slowly moving into Russia from France. Like bringing other supplies up and up and up until they got there. Oh, until they got to Moscow. Well, and then like actually sat in Moscow and occupied it before it got burned down. Oh, well, I don't think they could have controlled that as soon as it started getting occupied.

Just because they would have gotten weak back there where the supply lines were just moving too slow. But I mean, the entire way they're going, they're running into things. Like you don't think of like a Russian summer, but like they're moving through like swamp areas where there's like malaria. Bad too. Like malaria and shit. And they had like people getting sick, a bunch of people dying along the way. Typhoid. Oh, Typhoid.

Is that what it was? Typhoid. I think it was typhoid. And so, I mean, he ends up getting most of his troops. and they go all the way to Moscow, and they get to Moscow, and it's a fucking ghost town. It is completely abandoned.

He did some fucked up shit along the way to people who got typhoid. Did you read about that? Where he showed up to, like, this hospital tent that had, like, thousands of people that had typhoid in it. Oh, to do the photo or the painting or something like that? And he went around and met with them and all that, and then as he was leaving, he told the nurse to, like, put poison in all of their drinks and killed him.

But he had it commissioned as a painting. Yeah. And then it portrayed him as almost like a Christ-like figure reaching out to this typhoid-ridden freaking soldier like he was going to fucking heal him. And then he just whacked him all. Yeah. And he's like, uh, just so like they can never speak about this and also in fact, go ahead and just kill everyone. He did it cool though, because I think he said that he gave him a, or he gave him a bunch

of opiates. So. Oh, yeah. At least they went out on high as they drifted off. Yep. So they get, I believe it was a, I don't know if it was a hundred miles outside. of Russia or outside of Moscow Moscow, Moscow, fuck.

But they end up running into the Battle of Borodino. I don't know if that was to hold off for the whole Russia or for the whole people that were in. To finish getting out of Moscow. Yeah.

They won that and they kept moving on because Moscow was so close. They roll into Moscow like you say there's just nothing there. The town's been abandoned completely. It's been everything that could be used like supplies has been taken. Like the Kremlin is like abandoned and everything.

Like he can see the domes of the Kremlin. He says as he marches on Moscow. And they get there and they start moving into the town to get through it. And all of a sudden, the fucking Russians left behind a bunch of criminals and like prisoners that they'd released. They're like, you're free. But here's your condition. When you see these fucking French assholes, you burn this fucking place. Start light and everything up fire.

And they start burning in the whole city. Like they end up burning down like what, like a third or half the city. Then they killed all the animals and threw them into the water supply. So it poisoned the water supply, so they can't use any of that shit. So for, like, the next five weeks, they're camped out in, like, the ruins of Moscow or, like, the place that are still intact. Napoleon is staying in the Kremlin and has, like, a portrait brought from France or had, like, had one brought with him. But his son, wasn't it? It was the Mona Lisa.

I thought it was of his son. It was Mona Lisa, I think. I almost, I'm like 80% sure it was the Mona Lisa dude. Well, I have to go 50, 50 coin flip on that. I wanted to say it was a picture of his son because he stayed in the Kremlin and was doting about it. But either way, it was a situation where they were still trying to survive in a town that was completely vacant and had no resources.

And they're in there for, what did you say it was five weeks? Yeah. And they're getting closer and closer to the one time, well, not the one time, but the most important time not to be in Russia. And after a while, they've sat in there for long enough. They're like, okay, we've done what we need to. There's people that are dying

here. We're getting sick. There's no way to sustain these many people. Let's head back into France. And on the way back, they caught the scariest thing that I can think of in existence, Russian winter. It came a month early.

Yeah. And that's... Like at this time, it came a month early. That's the other thing that you just can't write. Like, even Mother Nature, after it had saved him with the fog, it was like, eh, we're not going to have. Yeah, this is fake going. You played your hand, Echrist. You flew too close to the sun. Austerlitz was your big deal.

Now we're coming back with vengeance. So through a combination of the weather, everything that happened, also being harassed essentially by, like, Russian, like, tribes and cavalry and stuff like that. They're getting attacked from the rear because everybody that was hiding on the other side of Moscow has just followed them right back through. He leaves with 450,000. 450,000. 40,000 make it back to France.

Yeah. They said that all in total, they believe that he lost over a half million people in Russia, a half million soldiers. That would be more than you went with. Well, they were still sending people back through. Were they? I'm sure that there were secondaries and thirds that were coming through. Just to probably try to resupply or anything like that.

But you lose that many people. of your army, you just have nothing left. I mean, to return with 40,000 people, or 40,000 soldiers, how are you supposed to... That are just beaten to shit. It's not like, you guys want to fight again? Yeah. Nobody wants to go back through that because he just marched them into hell and then brought them back through frozen hell.

So after everyone sees what the Russians did to him, everyone was like, is there a coalition going on? We didn't hear it. Is there a coalition? So everyone that wasn't in on it jumps in. So Prussia gets in on it. Sweden gets in on it. Great Britain was in on it the whole time, but they didn't do anything.

Now, Spain and Portugal are like, yeah, we'll collusion up. They're back. So they're back. His brother is not the king anymore, so it wasn't brother. He gets deposed, I think. And I think he ends up abdicating and going back to France or something like that. He probably felt the heat because his brother was getting his ass kicked in Russia. So somehow, fuck, I don't know how.

So Napoleon is able to raise up 340,000 French soldiers. And at this point, They are people way too young, and there are people way past the age. And he still has some normal truths, but nowhere near as many as he used to. And everything that he had to abandon Russia as far as cannons, any guns that they had, anything. Yeah, all that got left. Yeah, it's all going. So a couple of the big battles that happen, and it's all a downward slide at this point.

Dresden was pretty big. He had some victories and everything, but it's just the attrition because he had all of these alliances. Or all of these armies that were already allied, just being all the feed-in more men to the meat grinder, and Napoleon had nothing to resupply. It's like we talked about in the Civil War. Part of the reason why the Union won the Civil War was because they had more to throw at it.

And you have this massive Sixth Coalition that you're getting troops from, if he wins in Dresden and wipes out a bunch of, I think it was Russian troops. He was trying to go for like a big home run victories. And it's like, look what I did. No one else fuck with me. But at the same time, everybody else was like, okay, well, they were unsuccessful, now we'll send in this force.

They were unsuccessful, now we'll send in this force. And we're like, we're chipping away at you, regardless. Yeah, they're going to lose eventually. So the Battle of Leipzig was the big one during the Sixth Coalition, and I think was the worst. All of this, during this entire time, this is the area of time called the Napoleonic Wars. This whole time that Napoleon is emperor and is doing all of this shit. And it might have even been before he was emperor.

I don't know if they consider that before or after, because it's all Napoleon. Yeah, he was still in charge of what was going on So the Battle of Leipzig is the I don't know if it's the largest But it's the one that has the most casualties So the Battle of Leipzig total combined Is 900,000 That's

Excuse me, I don't know as far as the East Coast goes But that might be like New Hampshire Yeah Just New Hampshire is just all dead That's so many people And I think prior to Leipzig, I don't know if it was after, I'm sorry, but he gets proposed essentially like a treaty called the Frankfurt proposal where everyone is like, hey. It was after they took Paris.

Was it? Yep. So they've had the fight taken to them and there's really not a lot that they can do. The forces start advancing into France. They, of course, head straight for Paris because that's where they need to be to really make. make some headway. Just not to fast forward through it, but there's just a lot of stuff that goes on as far as the wars that they fight.

They get to Paris. Paris falls as Napoleon is like at the castle. He knows what's going on. Well, no, the Frankfurt proposal was while they were still, he turned it down, remember? Because he thought he was still going. Wasn't this after they sacked Paris though? No. So prior to...

I thought that was what moved. him to take the proposal. He didn't accept it. So I think it was prior to Leipzig, they presented him with the Frankfurt proposal. They basically said, you can still be emperor of France. You're going to lose some of the lands

and you're going to go back to your original size before you start all this shit. Yeah, your natural borders. And he was still in a position where he's like, I think I could maybe still win this. He waited too long and they withdrew the offer. And then now it gets to the border. point where he had only like 70,000 soldiers left, and that's when they just came in.

And when they came into Paris, they, the way that they treated him, because I think it was the British that might have, or they were part of the coalition that went in there. Everybody had an axe to grind with him. Everyone did, but I'm not saying he just got, like, strung up and killed like the King of France did during the Revolution. Well, there again, it was another situation where had they done that, it would have been very bad PR. That's why they didn't do it. It would have looked like they were killing a monarch and it was like, oh, now any country can come in and kill the royal family or like the leaders.

So it was like they were hamstrung. They're like, we want to kill this guy so fucking bad. The first reason that they had to go in there and try to shut down France and what they were doing is the opposite of the reason why they're letting you live at this point. So they pretty much make a deal with Napoleon and they say, all right, here's the deal, man. We're going to let you, we're not even imprison you, we're going to give you an island in the Mediterranean and you're going to get to be the emperor of that island and live out your days.

And this wasn't like even a, it was a small island, I mean in comparison, in the middle of the goddamn Mediterranean, it was called Elba, right? Elba, yeah. What was the population? It was like 12,000? It was a decent size population for an island. And he had like a large house

that was created almost like a palace and everything. He had like a consigliary that was underneath him. He had actually connections back to the... He wasn't supposed to. Well, not back to France, but they had a...

After all of this happened, the first time, England made everybody get their poop in a group. They got their shit in order. And they created almost like a massive, not a coalition of really groups, but like everybody. Everybody that was around France, they started this coalition with

because they knew... It was like the pre-United Nations. Yes, exactly. It was like a standing new, United Nations because they knew that like we're not gaining anything just by fighting and killing and going back and forth. It just looks bad for all of us to be warring nations. If we all just make sure... We finally just got rid of the problem.

Let's nobody else start being a problem. Yeah. If we can all agree to not be a problem, everything's going to be cool. And we need to make sure that if anybody like Napoleon comes back, or if Napoleon comes back, a little foreshadowing there, we're ready and prepared to fuck this guy up. So he goes down to this island. and basically sends to have his Austrian wife and his child sent to him.

She's like, I'm going to head back to Vienna. But you take the kid. Yeah. And so he's also given like a thousand soldiers and they're like the most loyal soldiers to him. They're his like personal guard. And then someone from Great Britain is... He's got a naval fleet.

He gets one or two boats. I thought he had a fleet. No, he gets one or two. Because he needed to be defensible. Nope. he would have there was a liaison from grape written down there that was keeping that was supposed to keep an eye on him and everything they were friendly together that was the connection to the like pre-U.N. Yes. And so like they would play like chess together and do all that kind of shit. So he's on this fucking island. He's already been allowed to live and live in like complete luxury for the rest of his life. Place Sim City again gets them streets, sets up garbage collection, writes them a constitution. He gets his island in order. He gets all the docks going, the fishing stuff. He just starts his thing running.

like a well-oiled machine. He has to build around him every single time. And that's why I don't understand why they didn't try to just stay in Moscow and write it out. He's everywhere that he goes, he tries to make better and tries to do it. The way you think it would have. I also think by the time he got there and the reason that he was in Russia before

that, and kind of everything that happened afterwards, he just slipped. His mind went in a different direction. He didn't have the same fire that he did before. It was like his first major loss that forced him to turn tail and be like, I don't know if I can keep doing this. Yeah. And I think it's just because he wasn't as sharp as he used to be. He went to kind of old lazy fighting styles.

He didn't stick with kind of the innovation that he was known for. And he just sort of fell apart. It was like he kind of lost the fire to do it. And then by the time he realized he lost the fire, he was very sick. He ends up trying to poison himself before he goes to Elba. He, yep. And because he always carried poison in case he got captured. And because he carried the poison with him through the Russian winner, it had diminished essentially the chemicals. It just gave him the shit, basically. And it just fucking, like, poisoned his gut for, like, a shit ton of, like, a couple weeks. But he was worn down.

When they were on their way into Russia, he was, like, in a carriage. He wasn't on a horse. He had really bad hemorrhoids, I guess, because I could see a guy in power having issues taking a number two. But he was in bad shape. He was a shell of himself. He wasn't one of the guys out there making things happen. There were reports back when he was in his heyday.

He was a step. Yeah. When he was in his heyday, and they would have meals. It was said that he would have, like, his watchman be able to have drinks before him. Like, he would make sure that they were served. He would kind of butter everybody else up. He wasn't doing that shit anymore.

He was in a carriage. He had all the luxuries. I think they said when they went into Russia, he actually brought, like, a classically trained Parisian chef with them to cook for him the entire time. Just the creature comforts that made him soft. And that could be why all this happened. No money more problems. But when he's... down in Elba, it's like

he's almost gaining that edge back. Like, he needs to be a part of it again. He wants to be he probably wasn't pumped that he lost in the first place, so he knew he had to avenge that. But then it's like he got healthy down there too. Like, he got right to come back. That nice Mediterranean

environment and climate man just reinvigorates you. Probably a nice tan, olive Italian skin. So he still has support in France at this point. So they can't let him off or let him have any contact with anyone in France. Well, he ends up finding out that this British liaison guy likes to go visit a certain

woman or something on. And the island is with an ice, like eyesight of Corsica, I think, likes to go over to this place in Corsica and see this woman. So I think he finds out what the schedule is that he's seeing and somehow escapes this island. Like with one of like the warships, they repaint it to look like a British ship and gets him back into France. Him getting into France was a very big deal because at the, the time he had found out

it was like King George the 18th I believe was the one that they had brought back and he was actually from the French lineage and the thing was is he wasn't doing well no France was like not doing well at all and some of it probably has to do with what Napoleon had just done and killed off like fucking 300,000

of men. He probably could take some blame there yeah yeah but the way it looked is it looked like the French king was causing all this issue and he wasn't good even by himself he was old he was trying to bring back the monarchy he was trying to bring back rule.

The church like really heavy everything, like against all the things that the people had grown accustomed to not having and enjoyed that.

Yeah. So it's, there is more sympathies towards Napoleon because they kind of remember the good times. He just,

the way that he kind of collected troops as he moved back towards Paris. He would run into them. He had like, I think, 500 or 1,000

the ones that he brought with him, got them over somehow. And the first, First, like, guards he ran into a troop like regiment. He walked up to the guy and, like, had his sword against him or something like that and said, if you're against your general, go ahead and kill me or something like that. He would open up his jacket and he would basically expose his heart.

And he would say, if you believe that this is right, yeah, kill, kill me now. Yeah, if you're no longer loyal to your emperor like general or something like that. And just collected a shit. It worked. Yes, and collected a ton of troops walking back up to Paris. enough so that he basically just walked in and retook power. Yeah, fat-ass King George the 18th saw it and knew that that wasn't going to be something because if he could get the army back that fast,

there's no chance that it would take a long time for him to get the rest of the population back. Like that was going to be a very quick, swift victory. So what do you do next? You just regained your rule back in France. The last thing you would want to do is start shit, right? Yeah. it seems like it but he was back

like he was out riding a horse again he was pumping up the guys he wanted to bring the old he wanted to get the old band back together for one last ride little corporal's back baby he knew that there was probably like he knew of the whole

new UN kind of set up that they had going on he knew that everybody was going to be coming after him his thought was if he could meet them and beat them before they were able to like become one big massive force that he would stand a chance Or at least beat a couple of them and then be like, I just want, I'll take the last deal.

Yeah, like, he wanted them to be able to be able to offer that deal or something shit. Well, how did that work? Not, not good. Um, he seemed to do okay kind of towards the beginning, like not good, but not great. And it was sort of a deal. Ironically enough, at this point, the artillery and technology had actually surpassed Napoleon and the British had actual like rifles instead of, of like the musket, they had cartridge rifles.

They said that they could pick a Frenchman off from like 400 yards. Yep. And like howitzers and shit. And so Napoleon is already, he's got like 200,000 of, I cannot imagine, desire, the most desirable selection of like troops. And basically is like, all right, let's do this thing. And he gets relatively smoked, man. Yeah. The Battle of Waterloo, I believe is what it is.

The kind of ultimate. I think that's the most studied. battle like in, I guess, like, warfare history. Well, and it's something that seems so simple to chalk up, because when you look at it from the outside, it's a guy that knows he doesn't stand to chance, needs to throw a Hail Mary, throws Hail Mary, intercepted, and then run back for a touchdown. Like, it's just such a, it was an all or nothing

deal, but there was no chance that he was ever going to get to all. And he really didn't. It was, uh, it was, uh, Just an ass kicking to the nth degree. And what was the deaths at Waterloo? Are you looking at left? Yeah. It was so many. And they, to his credit, not that he needs it, but they took out a lot of other soldiers.

Like the Allied forces were. Oh, they just had to overwhelm them. That's the only reason that the French loss. It was literally France against the U.S. Prussia, Netherlands, what was considered Hanover, Brunswick, Nassau. And here's the other thing is Napoleon had kind of finally at this point, met his counterpart. It was this dude named the Duke of Wellington. It was a bad dude.

He was pretty much Napoleon. He was the British version of Napoleon. He hadn't lost any battles or anything like that. And during the battle, it was a total of like 73,000 for Napoleon. So after a few of these skirmishes when he first started, he didn't have much left. No. And then about, I don't know, 120,000 for what would we consider the allies. And, yeah, the French lost 33,000, had 33,000 casualties, and Wellington's army had 21,700 total.

So you lose half your army as the French Napoleonic army. Yeah, and they call the entire time, like, Napoleon's return to power, I think they'd call it like the hundred days. Yeah, because he was only in power for like two and a half months, something like that. So you would think after this. Napoleon, they get Napoleon again, and they say, dude, the fuck. Like, we set you up on, like, a tropical island. Like, what are you fucking doing here?

And he's like... And you still broke out. It's like a goddamn fucking TJF sick comedy. He's like, did I do that? And so this time, they fucking stuff his ass on a British warship and take him to Britain, leave him on a warship, while they're deciding what to do with them. And I will say, though, to his credit,

once he knew that he lost at Waterloo and tried to get the hell out of there, his first thought was to come to the U.S. as a citizen and try to live out his days. Oh, that's right. And he was noble enough to say no, because that would look like I just turned tail and run. I don't want to look like a spineless coward.

I'm going to stay and take my poison. he actually, he turns himself in... He's like, oh shit, where's my poison? He's like, I actually thought I had literal poison on me. Fuck, no, I'll take the deal. Yeah, so he rolls up and turns himself into this English warship, which, I mean, he didn't have a lot of options because they were patrolling pretty heavily,

so for him to actually make it to America, it probably would have been tough. Not, not, especially after, this is literally them going after, like, public enemy number one of this entire coalition. Yeah, he was John Dillinger. So at this point, they're to say, what to do with them and they send them to another island. They're like, we're going to give you

another island. Don't leave this one. And so they're like, this one is not as nice based on what fucking happened when you left the first island. No, no. St. Helens or St. Ellens, which is located about halfway between France and Brazil in the Atlantic Ocean. It was basically like a trade stop. Yeah, it was a basically if you wrecked your ship, you want to try to get there there was at least some land and this thing was like 12 miles by six miles not big not big at all did not

have a a large populace of people really to rule over anything the other choice they made was they put like an actual patrolling um two patrolling warships yeah around that yeah they

that that fucking sucks like to be like that's your order they're like so what am I supposed to do well you're going to St. Helens. St. Helens. What do you mean? Well, you're just going to steer around this 12 mile by six mile island like all day

just in a circle for how long? I don't know. Until someone comes and takes your place, I guess. Like, how do you, that's like the shit detail when they're like, we're sending you to Siberia. You fucked up. You're sending you. You fucked the admiral's daughter.

So, and they build them a house. They call it the long house. It basically looks like it's not a small house. not like a shack. This isn't that fucking little shanty from the first Harry Potter movie that's out in the fucking Stormy Sea. No, his first house, the one that he had in Elba was like a villa. El Padron. It was like when Pablo Escobar arrested himself and he's like, I'm going to build this, yeah, I'm going to build this compound. You just let me live in it. You can patrol the shit out of that. St. Ellen's was a little bit different. It was just, he had a taskmaster that

was there kind of not like torturing him but just doing everything by the book so he wasn't getting any of these he wasn't going to be his buddy or anything like that he's like nope you're here for a fucking reason dude he wasn't banging some you're here yeah he wasn't banging some chick on corsica that napoleon could use to his advantage no it was so the thing about this too is like this island was like within like the trade winds and all that kind of shit so like his house would be up in like the mist oh yeah first like six hours of the day And it was everything was fucking wet. So it was pretty.

I mean, for what they offered, they're like, well, we're giving you a house an island. You're like, at least you're alive, I guess. Well, you say no to that. It's like, okay, then we'll kill you. Yeah, the house might be cool. And apparently there was some thought that, like, he was going to try to establish himself in South America. Like, there was a plot to try to rescue him from that island because there was some French type of influence over in South America at the time. And he would go create essentially, like, a new empire between, like,

Brazil and Chile and Argentine, something like that. Well, yeah, he still had a little bit of an extragram with the Spaniards, and they were the ones that were kind of the dominant. That's right. He had allies over there because when he took over all those countries that were under Spanish rule, they all got their independence. And so they were like, Napoleon, number one. I mean, he could have, but it was just such a far-fetched idea that it seems like it wasn't.

So he ends up after some time. I'm on this island. He ends up developing the same faith that his father ended up developing and gets stomach cancer. Just, it must have been hereditary. It could have been from the low-dose poison that he drank. Several things that could have caused that. Yeah, there were contributing factors to it. He really wasn't, he was like 54?

He wasn't terribly old, was he? No, I don't think he was. Just some quick historically high math Born in 1769 Died in 1840 That would make him 61 No 1820

Oh 1840 he died Yeah No that wouldn't make him 61 That was bad math That is 31 Plus 40 71 71 71 71's fairly old I guess

Especially for that time Yeah But he I want to say And this could be Just completely shooting from the hip and wrong but when he was exiled to Elba, his mom was still alive. Like, they were a hearty stock.

They lived for a long time. Did I get the dates wrong? He's 52. So I got the dates way wrong. He died in May 1821. Definitely way wrong. 1840 was way off. So yeah, he was in his 50s.

Yeah, just negate all that bad math that I just did. That was really bad. That falls in the 20% that's not always accurate, but we made men's. And when he died, died, he essentially kind of just took his last breath, essentially, and the last words were France, Josephine, and whatever translates to the army, head of the army. So he ran through the highlight rail of his life right before he died. Yep.

And then eventually they actually, he was buried on that island, wasn't he? Yeah, I don't think they brought him back to him. No, they did. Oh, did they? Yeah, eventually they brought back his coffin, and he has, There's a place in Paris called Napoleon's tomb, and he's interned in like a big red stone sarcophagus. Can you see him?

I mean, not him, but you can see the actual sarcophagus. But... Got to be skeleton at this point, right? I would imagine, yeah. But I mean, this is somebody that, like I told you, I thought I knew a little bit about it, realized I didn't know shit about this guy, and, oh, he just took it too far.

he got so excited he's like i'm just going i think age just caught up with him i think he he didn't he didn't have a reason to go fight russia he didn't have a reason to do anything after a couple of the trees beforehand he didn't you know what you don't leave the island you got away with one you're on an island a tropical island and you're just like oh at that point yeah come yeah when he was exiled the first time that was probably a good stopping

point. I thought you were talking about even like pre-Russia. Yeah, I was talking about that there were so many stopping points. There were, but that first stopping point, I would say wouldn't be one. Because I think he knew eventually that he had stirred enough shit up that it was not going to end well.

Because no matter what happened, he knew that this is coming. I don't think he ever knew that until Russia happened. I think he fully believed that he was walking in the footsteps of Caesar and Alexander, which ironically so, they went too far and they got themselves killed. so he didn't learn their lesson.

No, he never thought he was going to get to the point of that. He followed the path all the way to the end. Yeah. And that was just, he should, he had stopping points, like you say, but he wanted to be better than that. And just, I imagine he's, if he were, like, still alive today and could look back at his legacy,

I think he would probably, like, you can put him up there with Caesar. You can put him up there with Alexander. You can put him up there with the greatest land takers of all time. That's what I'll say. I'll say that when you think of like Napoleon and you learn this, that's who you kind of compare him to. Questionable characters and everything.

Warlords, basically, in essence, of course, that just wanted to rule as much land as possible, which in itself is, you know, maniacal and everything. But what's crazy is to say that that's not like what you consider the worst. of it. Yeah, no. He's bad. As far as land takers go, he's...

You're just like, well, I guess Napoleon wasn't like... And he did go through some scenarios where he killed prisoners. Oh, yeah. And everything, he didn't look good. But for the most part, he wasn't like picking on a... And he's like, I'm going to wipe out the you and I'm going to wipe you out and everything. He wasn't genocidal. Yeah.

He was just... I want everything. Yeah. He just wanted your land. Yes. And I really... This is sort of like what I was talking about earlier, just drawing parallels between between like him and a Hitler or him in Germany.

Like, World War I was kind of like his exile to Elba. We're going to give you a pass. We're not going to completely annihilate you. You can keep your shit sort of. World War I was whose exiled Alba? Like, Germany losing World War I was kind of like, okay, we're going to set you up in a way to we're like, we're not going to take everything away from you.

You're still have the perks of being what you are, but there's going to be some strict rules. You're going to feel so diminished that you feel like you have to do this other thing. Yeah, that's, yeah. And again, we lost the oversight while he was on Elba. And didn't consider him a threat. Yeah. Yep.

He built his way back into something. And then he had World War II. World War II was definitely more successful than Napoleon's second ride, but he needed to be beaten again. I wouldn't be surprised if, like, you start, you know, you have a desire to become a dictator. There's a dictator starter kit where you're just reading everybody's biography that came before you.

So you just get Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon and then you get this guy. you're just read them up and then it's like, now I write my book and then your book is just the last one in the fucking pile. And we still have them. I mean, the shit still goes on today. I know, but what I'm saying is like the next guy up that's going to try this is going to be, well, it's going to be whoever was in the Kaiser

in World War I or whatever. But then Hitler's going to come after that and he's just still reading about Napoleon and reading about Caesar and Alexander and all this shit. Do you think Hitler read about him? I'm positive he read about those guys. I never thought about that. I will be extremely shocked when we do the episode on him. We do not find out that information very easily.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think he, I think he envisioned himself in that type of role. Just like Napoleon envisioned himself in that type of role. And then he thought because they weren't of the Aryan race and pure that they couldn't do it. It's the absolute power.

I know that's so cliche and shit, but it's the absolute power corrupts absolutely shit. It's like a serial killer reading up on other serial killers. Pretty much. All right, man. Well, I know we kept in class a little bit late tonight, but you know what?

I think it was worth it. Yeah, Napoleon's cool as shit. All right, guys. Well, we'll talk to you later. See you for the next episode. Peace. All right, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for joining us for another episode. If you like what you heard, hit that subscribe and like button.

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