Hollywood Handbook - Adam Conover, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

Sean and Hayes talk to ADAM CONOVER about ruinsing everything. This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron ( www.blueapron.com/HANDBOOK ) and Simple Contacts ( www.simplecontacts.com/THEBOYS20  code: THEBOYS20).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, sun's going down. I'm out in the parking lot of the Tasty Freeze with Bon, Joby, and Magic Mike. And we're just bummed out in our do-nothing town. We're throwing rocks into coffee cans

or whatever game we made up that night. Bon turns to me, says, you guys think we're ever going to be anything? Do anything? That's basketball

for you guys. Oh, yeah. In that town? In that town. That's basketball for you guys. Oh, yeah. In that town? In that town? That is basketball. Closest thing you're going to find to a hoop is an old coffee can. Boulders, crystals. Hashtag Flavor Ones.

Yeah, hashtag Flavor Ones. Merry Christmas. So, and I throw one, I sink it, and Bon has said, do you think you'll ever become anything? And I say, what, from this do-nothing town? No way. And Magic Mike whomps me one. He hears me say that, and he fucking slaps me.

He slapped you. He slaps me in the face. Now, because of my training, I almost immediately have him in an arm bar. But I stop, and I go. He's sitting. I'm sorry. You're facing the same direction? Yeah.

And does he, which side of you is he sitting on? He is directly in front of me. Okay. But you're facing the same way. We're sitting in like a train. So he's got his butt backed all the way up I'm sitting with my knees up with my legs out initially and then he's tucked in real tight

to me and it bonds into him and we're sort of a choo choo and we're all throwing you know, because we all want to be directly in front of the can one person's from the left and from the right so he can't turn around, he just has to reach backwards over his head.

He swings his arm all the way back. Oh, okay. And, man, he want me once. So because of my training, I almost immediately have him in an arm bar. And due to my training, I could snap him in two. But I stop and I think, why is he doing this? Why would he want me for saying I'm never going to amount to nothing? Maybe because he cares.

You didn't talk. Did you ever talk about it? Huh? Did you ever ask him or was there ever a conversation? And that do nothing town haze? Nah, we didn't talk about stuff like that. But anyway, it was fine hey welcome to Hollywood Handbook

an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz and we do have a guest we got a guest and the guy's a freaking corker that we have this is a big guest occasionally we get a big guest

and I try to approach every show exactly the same whether we get a big guest, and I try to approach every show exactly the same, whether we have a big guest or not. I always try to bring my A game, but quite frankly, the adrenaline I'm feeling from having a real big guest, there's no lying, this is going to be a good show. And I do want to say, is Kevin here? Chef Kevin.

Oh, good, Brett! Let me tell you the experience that I just had. I can't hear you. I looked into... Don't give him headphones. He doesn't have to hear. Don't give him headphones. I don't have to hear.

I look in the window, and I see my own reflection, but then Brett's face kind of on my head. Surprise! You transformed into Brett. Yeah. Why is he in there? Get him away. There should be an app that does that, huh?

Like a Brett app, where you can take any photo of yourself and you can become Engineer Brett. Yeah. I will say, people are really excited. We haven't talked about this. People are excited about this partition. Ah, yes. In the new studio. People are raving about this partition that's keeping Chef Kevin out of the room.

Adam, have you heard about the newest member of our show, the partition that keeps Chef Kevin from being in the room with us? No, I haven't heard it. I mean, this is my first time hearing about it. Oh, there's a lot of buzz. The partition is bringing it. Yeah. Every single week. Oh, yeah.

Incredible. Is it, I mean, I'd call it more of a wall. Like a partition, I would think it is is we're like in separate rooms right right well i guess because it's glass people don't think of it as a wall there could be a glass wall i guess you could call it a window as well here yeah hear that partition partitionition. Partition. The unmistakable echo of the partition ringing through the room. So what did you want to say?

I want to say to Chef Kevin, he is here or not? He is. Okay, where I'm not hearing him this entire time I've been asking where he is. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. I'm back, baby. This is all I want. I hear that Adam did Who Charted right

before this show. Yeah. We can't. I cannot have... It's not your fault. I didn't realize I was causing a problem. People come in here after Who Charted. Was Brett there?

Yeah. Yeah, of course. They're completely spent. They're just a wet rag. Yeah, that's me. Who Charted uses you up and spits you out, man. They take it all. I can't have Who Charted sloppy seconds anymore.

Yeah, I got to admit, I'm a little wiped from talking about the charts. What was on the charts? Let's see, we talked about Post Malone. Okay. We talked about Rhymes of Grindelwald. I believe I talked about Post Malone when I was on the show seven months ago. And I'm still recovering. Yeah, I know. Hayes has finally become himself again we

had a nice little break over turkey day so yes but and he looks he's no longer deflated but you come in here and i'm a fan you look like shit oh well thank you you honestly look like fucking shit man i don't know what who charted did to you. I don't want to know. Yeah. Because I don't like to think about that. I feel okay. I think I can handle the interview. No, they used you.

Yeah. Dude, you don't even understand what they're doing. They wrung you out. Yeah. And they kind of puff you up while they're doing it. They're like, you're doing so good. But what you don't realize is they are sucking the life out of you, man. It's going to be a month before you realize what who charged you.

I mean, I guess now that you put it that way, yeah, I guess it was a bad booking. Physically, yeah, they destroy you. We give. People leave here with more energy than they came with. Yeah, nothing's on the show. None of what you're getting out of this will be on the show. Yeah, we're a Mophie Charger. That's such a nice way to think about it.

A Mophie? Yeah, we're a Mophie Charger That's such a nice way to think about it. A Mophie? Yeah, we're a Mophie charger. That brand? Yeah, the Mophie brand charger. Yeah. Yeah, you could put it in your pocket. Yeah. Makes the phone bigger.

You guys make the phone bigger? The Mophie chargers make the phone bigger now. You're talking about the case charger. Yeah, the case charger. He's on with the case charger where it physically is around it yeah no okay but now okay okay this is normally your job and i hate ruining anything please hey but that we said we wouldn't but that is not part of the phone that does not make the phone actually bigger. The phone's the same size. That is a separate component.

The phone's the same size. And now he's like, I knew that. That's not quite what I wanted. Let's talk about this. So you are just ruining everything in town. Yes, I'm ruining everything. How is that? What's that?

It's pretty great. It's a lot of work. We shoot 12, 14-hour days all over L.A. It's long hours, but it's nice. People like the show. People are watching the show. We're in our fourth year now. All over L.A.

All over L.A. Anywhere in the TMZ, the 30-mile zone. Santa Clarita? I believe we've been around to Santa Clarita. I think we were there. Yeah. Did you see those frigging funny zombies up there? No.

You never saw them? Dude. Funny zombies? Yeah, you're not aware of the special diet they have? From the show. From the show. Yeah, they have a pretty unique diet up there in Santa Clarita. Yeah, they eat, they have a, they've got like a human heart in a cooler or something.

Yeah, in a blender. Yeah. With an arm. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, you want to shake? I'm not so sure, actually, now that I've seen what's in your blender. No, but this brings new meaning to the term juice cleanse.

I'm not, you know, I'm not sure how. Yeah. Yeah, it really redefines the word smoothie, and I don't know how, but. But it must be in some way. It's got to be related, doesn't it? Yes. So I'll say this, Adam. People might hear, oh, Adam's on here.

He's ruining everything. Why don't we just turn this off because it's going to be too negative? And we're actually pretty positive with our fans and we like to kind of celebrate life and what's cool and what's good and media and entertainment yes and that is the purpose of the show and what people might not know is look off the show you're just a guy and there's actually stuff you like so we thought it could be fun to talk about maybe some things that we're not going to ruin that are just nice. So what's some of your favorite stuff?

I don't know. I play a lot of video games. Okay. What games? I'm playing right now I'm playing a lot of the Tetris effect. It's Tetris. Oh, nasty. Oh, sick, dude.

You don't sound like you know it. Huh? No, you don't. He just said that. Yes. Oh, nasty, bro. It's just not how... It's actually a very pretty game. It's not a game that people would describe as nasty, per se.

Yeah. I don't have sex with my video game. I don't have sex with my video games I don't have sex with my video games that's not what I do that's not what I do yeah fair enough fair enough

it's fine he's not it's not bad I don't give a shit privacy of your own home or actually honestly even in public in public

yeah I mean that's what there's an outlet that's what a lot of people want out of games now is they want a kind of a sexual experience yeah but it's not

Tetris Effect don't do that well what else any movies could hurt it's trying to with that game oh yeah

some of the pieces could smash you yeah any movies the I watched the first part of the Coen Brothers thing on Netflix I didn't finish it though

Busker Scrubs Busker Scrubs, yeah I watched the first part which is about the titular Busker Scrubs And then I took a break And then my girlfriend watched the rest without me So I'm never going to finish it now Zachary Braffery in Busker Scrubs? Because I remember him from the original Scrubs

That's a good No, I think it's a different Scrubs I think don't know. Because I remember him from the original Scrubs. That's a good... No, I think it's a different... I think it's a different Scrubs. I think it's a different... But you just said that you didn't watch the whole thing. Yeah, he could be in it. Zach Braff could be in the Coen Brothers movie, Buster Scrubs.

And it could be him in Donald's fashion having friendship goals. Okay. Yes. The guy from... I might be checking this out. The guy from Clueless. Okay. So. The guy from Might Be Checking This Out. The guy from Clueless. Okay. So, and that's it.

And the funny janitor. And I'll tell you, and that was a bit of a writer's wank that they would do that. They had these fantasy sequences they could go into, so really nothing was off limits. It's a live action show, but it could almost do these cartoon effects in some ways. And that was a bit of a wank. So, Adam, any good meals? Any good meals? Just be positive.

Something positive? Yeah, Adam being positive is everything. Yeah. Let's see. Does it feel weird to be so positive? I had a good, it does. You have to carve out some space to do this. I'm pretty negative on my show. But you got to carve out some space to do this, Adam, or you'll lose your mind. To just be positive. Okay had a good, it does. You have to carve out some space to do this. I'm pretty negative on my show.

But you gotta carve out some space to do this, Adam, or you'll lose your mind. To just be positive. Okay, you got it. I went to Gus's fried chicken in Burbank.

Oh my. Wow. And he must know that I famously have also been to Gus's. For the hot chicken. The hot chicken. It was burning your hands.

It was very hot chicken. So hot. It's really good. It's got your hands. It was very hot chicken. So hot. It's really good. It's got, it's a, you know, it's a chain, but all the other locations are in the south. I had the pie, the chocolate chest pie. No, not all the other locations, because there's one on Crenshaw. Okay, that's true, that's true. But then if you look down the cups, it's like we got one in Memphis, we got one in, you

know, it's legit. Yeah, you just said you went Burbank, and then you said all the other locations. Okay, all right. Well, fine. There's another one in LA. Yeah. Okay. You got me.

But that's not what I came here to do. That's not what I came here to do. That's not what ruining is. It's not just pedantry. To me, the listeners hear that, they'd be like, wow, if he doesn't talk about this, that's pretty actually offensive to my intelligence. If you didn't correct me on the locations of Gus's Fried Chicken. Yeah, if I let that one slide, I actually do a disservice to the fans.

Yeah, no, that's fair. I mean, I have a compact with my fans. You got a compact with your fans. I understand how that is. Was the chicken so hot? It wasn't too hot. It was like. What are you getting?

The bones or? The bones? Yeah. You got the bones. The bones chicken or? Yeah. The chicken. I got chicken with bones in it.

Yes. Yep. I don't just order bones. That's what's good there. Yeah. You have to. You have to. At Gus's?

Oh, please. Yeah. What are you getting? A combo? Got a combo. Beans, coleslaw, straight up combo. Three piece dark meat. Having some chocolate chest pie. Chocolate chest pie is what I had.

Really good. Yeah. Okay. This guy's really been there. All right. This guy's really been there. I had quizzed you about Tetris Effect. I just believed that you had played it.

In fact, you said that you thought I had not played it. Even though you asked if he had played it, and he said, yeah. All right. Adam thinks that I can't remember what happened on my own show a few minutes ago. All right, this is getting. That's what we're learning. I'm going to take a reset. I don't want to be this way.

Yeah, something that you can do in Tetris. Take a reset. Yeah, you should do. It's one of the main moves. You should try if you actually want to win i mean you can start over the game but then what's another way to say that okay let me search my freaking mind palace i found one here it is in a dusty old shelf yeah take a reset and i remember somebody saying that they don't do pedigree

that he just said that doing a reset is not the same as unplugging the system and plugging it back in I'm caught in a web I'm caught I'm just going to be a straight shooter for the rest for the rest of the interview

okay you know what us two us two I think we should too I think it is time I think he's ready for the rest of the interview. Okay, you know what? Us too. Us too. I think we should too. I think it is time. I think he's ready. Adam, we have to surprise you with a bad surprise. Oh, a bad surprise.

We are here to ruin everything that you love. Yes. Unfortunately, it's time to finally eat your own medicine. As you have done for us and so many

of our family and friends. With some of the stuff. Oh, please. The diamond industry. Yeah, that's when we did. You have seen the show. Yeah.

Now I can walk down the street with my diamonds and I get, instead of cheers and applause, I get sometimes a boo hiss. I will be hissed at. How are you holding these diamonds? Huh? How are you holding these diamonds?

I am. Are you garlanded with them? How am I holding them? You said you walked down the street with your diamonds. In what form? They're attached to me. You're wearing them on rings and jewelry. Yeah.

I imagine you're carrying a shoebox of them. No, Hayes has epaulets that are actually really nice diamonds that have been ruined now, thanks to you. really nice diamonds that have been ruins now, thanks to you. And he has also a pretty nice, pretty masculine tiara that has a lot of great diamonds. But it used to be he'd walk out of the house and people would cheer. Here comes Mighty Hayes, you know, and his beautiful diamonds. And now you were saying a hiss and a boo a boo hiss yes because they saw our episode i can tell it's these adam guys adam's army i don't want to

talk about this stuff on the show but but i have to say how am i supposed to feel every time i'm going to use a restroom and i gotta look at my circumcised wang. And meanwhile Adam ruins it for me. Ruins my own dick. And I've tried not looking at it because I'm in the same boat but if I'm not looking at it it's getting all over the place. This guy ruins my own dick

for me. I say in this segment it's okay it's not that big a difference you just don't have to do it there's no reason to do it and I think there's a minor benefit in not doing it but it's fine to have a circumcised penis we never say that

I want mine to have a good reason for being like it is I don't want any of this I already had trouble making sense of the thing I already didn't didn't really have a lot of logic attached to it. And now I got this in my head. So now I can barely look at it.

I can barely look at it, and I can barely stop. So a little pickle, huh? Yeah, that's a catch-22. Yeah, that's right. So now we have to go. Book reference. He tries to outsmart everyone. So it's a book.

Yeah, it is. It is. A movie too? Oh, yeah. Yes. Mike Nichols. Yeah. Nasty.

Nasty movie. Okay. So it's time to go back through everything that you said that you love. Okay. And we do have to ruin it. And you'll get it ruined yes this is the way you guys use the word is i really like well it's the same way you do it well i say ruined it's on the billboards yeah adam ruins adam ruins is everything no you're adding an s

no there's okay it's fine it's fine it's fine let's go, let's go I'm just, I wanted to comment By the way, something about those billboards I like it I like the show Thank you The billboards say Adam ruins his everything Close, yeah Try more funny

Oh, that was the Rude of them That is rude To put that, to give a note on the show. That feels like it should be a private email or something to your staff. That was the for your consideration ad. Yeah, exactly what it said. For your consideration, Adam.

Try being more funny on your show. Oh my God, do you think that's what that meant? Do they have to buy a billboard to tell you this? No, I thought it was to the viewer and to the Emmy voter that they should sample a funnier network such as True TV. But no, maybe you're right. You're right, it's directed at me.

It's not a picture of me up there. Pretty vicious. So it adds the messages to the person who's on the billboard. When you're talking to them, do they go, did you see the billboard? Hey, did you's on the billboard. When you're talking to them, do they go, did you see the billboard? Hey, just did you check out the billboard at all? Because maybe they're wondering. Maybe that's how they were,

because we didn't get network notes this year, and maybe that's just how they delivered them. There's one right in your neighborhood, huh? Yeah. You can see it out your window? No, not really. Okay, but pretty close to your house. Pretty close.

Yeah, it seems like they're trying to send a message. Yeah, there's one at my bus stop. Hayes, of course, knows where you live. So a little interesting thing about that. Talking about the things that you love for ruins-ing. Yeah. You a baseball fan, Adam? Yeah, I like baseball.

Maybe such a big fan That you like to Go to the World Series Yeah I went to The World Series Yeah I saw you there Wow Aha I was

You saw me at the World Series Yeah I saw you At the World Series Wow Were you sitting nearby He was looking at you The whole game What

You were watching me And you were loving it. And I texted Sean because I said, I'm going to follow this guy around. And I'm going to find stuff that he loves. And I see him watching the baseball game and just having the time of his life. And I text Sean. I say, I found something the biggest ruins for him. Ruins it to death.

Of all. And so we do have to ruin baseball for him. Of all. And so, we do have to ruin baseball for you. It's fake. What? It's fake? Completely fake. The game is fake? Yes, you think anyone could actually do that?

Sick. The thing is going so fast. It's flying all over the place. They practiced, I thought. They practiced and they hit it. It's called. The thing is going so fast. It's flying all over the place. They practice, I thought. They practice and they hit it. Yeah, they practice. It's called a rehearsal. Oh. You think it's like, is it like wrestling?

Is it WWE? Is it scripted? Yeah, it's all fake. Wow. 100% fake. I'm reasonably sure that's not true, but if you're saying it. What did you eat at the game? Have a Dodger dog?

I did have a Dodger dog. Yeah, I know. It's made out of... What? Freaking butts. Oh, God, no. Yeah. Yeah.

Made out of the leftover butts. Of what? What kind of butts? From donkeys and stuff. Donkeys? Yeah. Donkeys? I'm done grinding them up.

Donkey butts? Yeah, I got a big hunk of butt left over. Yeah. Put it in the Dodger dog. Imagine freaking donkey from Shrek. That's what you're putting in your mouth. Oh, no. Just a little machine that...

I bought one of those for my dad. I know. Yeah, Hayes loved that part. Couldn't wait. You were looking at my dad, too? He went to the game with me. Yes, no, I know. Out of respect, we? You went to the game with me. Yes. No, I know. Out of respect, we're not going to ruin your dad yet.

Okay, please don't. Yes. You'd like that, probably. You'd probably love it, you sick fuck. I mean, I do like when things are ruins for me, yeah. No, you don't. Yeah, I do. No, you don't.

It's the point of the show. No, no, no. No, at the show, it happens many times. People ruin things for me, and then I say, oh, thank you. I learned something don't It's the point of the show No no no No at the show It happens many times People ruin things for me And then I say Oh thank you I learned something new It's happened

We've done many episodes that way This guy loves We flip the script Come on We flip the script But you only like it When you make money off it And now I am

You're making money? I just Thank God this guy Never ruined Hollywood Award shows for me Oh no We did an episode About that

Oh no Did we did an episode. Oh no. Did you, did you help? I tried to keep that one from him. Okay. You did. You have not seen that episode. I exacto knife to out of the TV guide.

So he wouldn't see it. I was curious why they were showing Mod Squad again that night. But I put in, yeah, I put in the Mod Squad and the boring news. Yeah,

so I didn't turn on the TV. I already seen the Mod Squad and the boring news sucks. What's the boring news? It's like math. Today in math, the numbers are so big. News about math.

This sounds This sounds right up my alley They're not even that big No yeah You'd love it That's part of it Yeah you probably would Man

So speaking of Busker Scrubs Fake Fake movie? It's all fake Fake They made it up Yeah it's a movie

They're supposed to make it up Baseball level fake Oh yeah How so? Even more so that's not really him first of all yeah buster scrooge it's not really him and even it was he didn't do that but it's an actor playing the part yeah i just said that okay got it got it got it got it got it got it i actually i actually like shelton i'm sorry i was like i actually did yes tim blake

shelton is his name no i i actually and i you know, we talk about this on the show that when you find out the truth about something, you can enjoy the artifice behind it. So I enjoy knowing the names of the actors and knowing about the Coen brothers who made the movie. No, you'd only like it when it's on your show and you can see your direct deposit going up as you record the episode. going up as you record the episode. Whereas I, you see the little monitor that we have there, where I, the little dollar amount that's ticking up through the episode, that's only for me and Sean.

Mm-hmm. Oh, I wondered why you guys had that. Oh, yeah. I wondered if you were going to share. And it is moving. The numbers are changing. It seems like it's moving so slowly that it seems like it might not be moving at all. And there's a lot of zeros after the decimal place.

Yes. Yep. Leaving room. It doesn't add it. We're going to need that. We're going to need that room. We're going to need that room. So if you look away from it if you like stop thinking about it

for a little while and then you look back you'll be like oh that number has moved a tiny bit it has gone up right and that represents

the money that you that you receive yes in real time yep so speaking of Tetris Effect

yeah yeah it's for babies it's for babies mhm yeah it's actually designed for and by babies. Wow. Yeah.

And you just sounded like one year when he said his wah. Okay. You know. You have to admit. I do have a childlike demeanor, but I think people like that about me. You do? Yeah. I have a little bit of a childlike demeanor.

No, but you think people like it? I do. Well, children come up to me and they say they like it. They do? Yeah, they're like, you seem like a, they're like, oh, you're a, yeah, they like, I don't know. Yeah, kids like my show and I think it's because I'm a little bit childlike. Yeah, kids like the show.

Small children like the show. Sometimes at my standup shows, I'll have like, there'll be like nine-year-olds there and I have to be careful about the jokes that I make because I don't want to be too blue. You make a lot of anti-nine-year-old jokes? Well, it's going to be too blue, too many sex jokes. Ah, okay. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. But I'm reasonably sure Tetris Effect wasn't designed by babies. I mean, the designer is this guy Mizuguchi. He's sort of a famous video game designer. He's a Japanese man. No, I actually play the game, and the game is Russian. And all the money goes right into Vladimir Putin's pocket. He's Putin-ing it in his pocket for later.

Well, the original designer, yeah, is Alexey Pajitov. I believe that's how you pronounce his name. He's a Russian guy. Honkshoe, honkshoe, honkshoe. I'm asleep. Wow. Oh'm asleep. Wow. Wow. Oh, sorry.

Sorry. That's so rude. We never do that. I'm really, really sorry about that. I did not mean to fall asleep. We honestly never do that. I honestly just did fall asleep. Yeah, he fell asleep.

That is so embarrassing. I'm so sorry. Oh, my gosh. I couldn't control it. I mean, you know. That's out of his system. I mean, please, go my gosh. I couldn't control it. That's out of his system. Please go on. You know what you were saying? No, it's fine. We can change it. I don't...

I don't... Tell me I didn't. Hayes, tell me I didn't. Just for one second, you did fall asleep. But nobody noticed. You were the ones who brought up Tetris effects. No, we weren't. We weren't.

It's called Adam Gaslights Everyone, I guess, is what's going on. You asked me what I like to do, and I said Tetris, and then you brought it up again later in the segment. But that doesn't make me the one who brought it up. That makes me the one who reminded you. The biggest gaslighting everyone of all, Vladimir Putin. I've gotten myself in the quagmire again here, I feel. It's a funny character.

Funny character, yeah. So funny. Really funny. It's a good character. Something we can all agree on. Nobody's going to ruin Quagmire. Let's call it truce. We're not going to ruin Quagmire.

Nobody's ruining Quagmire. Well, he's a sexual assaulter. Please. Yeah, he's reckoned with that many times on the show has he oh yeah i don't i don't know i mean he's still on the show and he's a pretty talented chef if you watched the episode from season 13 that is a parody of the show iron chef that came out in 2014 wow you might want to check it out okay check the written by while you got the crack writing staff that worked on that one That came out in 2014. Wow. You might want to check it out. Okay. Check the written by while you're at it. God, the crack writing staff that worked on that one. Oh, man.

That was when it was like Hall of Fame level. Yeah. Pretty good chef. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was the name of that episode? Pilling Them Softly.

That was a B story, which was about Stewie and Brian doing Adderall pills. And there's Game of Thrones elements in there as well, which if you remember in 2014, 2015, people were just starting to talk about Game of Thrones. Didn't really know about it yet. This was very new stuff. Yeah, it sounds like a cutting edge. They're always out in front.

Always out in front, that Seth MacFarlane. Always just seeing the next thing, whether it's Star Trek or musical standards. Yep. Right. Just always looking forward. People don't know about it yet, but he's going to point the way and say, you're going to like this. You didn't think you'd like Star Trek, but I'm going to make you like it.

It's a little like the scene in Back to the Future. Yeah, you guys might not be ready for that. But your grandkids will love it, I promise. Oh, yeah, yeah. Famous line. He said he promised. Yep. Right?

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Right? Hey, speaking of that chicken. Chicken? Oh, yeah, yeah, the fried chicken. The fried chicken. You're going to ruin it for me? It's butts. right hey speaking of that chicken chicken oh yeah yeah the fried chicken the fried chicken you gonna ruin it for me it's butts it's the chickens inside of it's butt

why do you think they fry up so much stuff around it uh huh they don't want you to just be able to look at it and that the outside is oils yeah I knew that. You ate that? Yeah, I knew that.

You eat oil? Yeah. What were your sides again? Oh, no. I don't even know if I want to say. Beans and coleslaw. Beans and coleslaw is what they were. Yeah, butts and butt slaw.

What? Sorry. Those are vegetarian, I thought. Yeah. It was a vegetable's butt. What kind of butt is in a coleslaw? Broccoli. Broccoli butts.

Broccoli shit? What? Ew. Fuck. Jesus, man. We're nine-year-olds listening to this show. God damn it. Don't ruin my podcast.

Okay. I'm just like doing what they got butts in my shit. Hey, can you do me a favor? Yeah, anything. You ruin Zero Wolf for me while you're here. That would be great. Oh, no, that would be... Spare Engineer Jordan. She's new.

We want her to just be able to land on her feet wherever she goes. You know what, Engineer Jordan? Yeah, what? You might want to leave the building i physically can't leave i am recording you oh i thought it was because of like but the there was like an accessibility issue or something uh not ada compliant yeah no no okay yeah so spare me american dental association yes i'm a a CPA and I'm in dentistry. There you go.

And she has a BA in vocal performance. Oh, dear God. You brought it up. I brought it up once. You literally just mentioned it. What? Basically, you bring it up every time you use that voice, that sweet honeypot of a voice.

Now, go ahead and show Adam some of what you got and try to ruin this. Oh, okay. Oh, I can't. No, that's wonderful. No kidding you can't. No, I wouldn't even try. So I guess he doesn't ruin everything. Well, yeah, I mean it's a little

bit of hyperbole for the purpose of the show. Adam ruins everything. Yeah, for the purpose of the show. Exactly. everything. Yeah, for the purpose of the show, exactly. Eventually. What does that mean? I don't know. Okay. I don't know.

Okay. Adam, guess what? It sounds like there's a deeper meaning. What? Chicken butt. Oh. That's what you ate. Oh, man.

So, Jordan, yes, it might make sense for you to evacuate. Is there like a ruising alarm system set up for this to evacuate. Is there like a ruinsing alarm system set up for this office? Yes. It goes ruins. Is that what that is? So you went through the training. A lot of offices I hear are going through training

in case you ruins their workplace. In case I show up and I ruin the workplace. It went off when you entered the workplace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It went off when you entered the building, actually. Oh my gosh. The newest thing in recent years is a lot of public places go through active shooter drills and then they also have to go through

ruins-ing drills. So it's in case... Active and ruins-ing. In case they're actively getting ruins, everyone in the building has to be trained for what the safest way to behave is. And I think it's smart, and I'm happy to hear there's an alarm. And I do know for a fact for that alarm, they just took the announcer at the Bruins game and just chopped off the B. The beginning.

He does say that at the beginning. Bruins. Bruins, yeah out of Bruins everything so they are skimping and saving yeah I mean that's a way

to do it you don't have to bring the actor back in and pay another sag rate they scrimped they scrimped on it yeah

and you can't scrimp something like that you can't not scrimp yeah the pistol scrimp it's too important it's too important can't scrimp. Something like that, you can't not scrimp. Yeah. The pistol scrimp. It's too important. It's too important.

The pistol scrimp. The pistol scrimp. And they're going to pay the price because we're about to unleash Adam on Earwolf itself. Oh, my gosh. I think we agree that we're even now. I'm not prepared. You, of course, ruined my dick. I ruined Tetris.

And now we're even. I'm not prepared to ruin. I don't know. I haven, ruined my dick. I ruined Tetris. And now we're even. I'm not prepared to ruin. I don't know. I haven't done my research. We have a whole staff of researchers on the show who helps me. They help me research the topics. Have you done Comedy Bang Bang? I've not done Comedy Bang Bang, no.

Okay. Have we ruined it? You must want to ruin it. Did you ever do Vladimir Putin? Have I ever ruined Vladimir Putin? Have you ever ruined him? Not specifically, I don't think. Oh, wow.

Okay. What? Okay, hold on a second. Interesting omission. You're implying that- You've done, like, everything else in the entire world. Well, no, we don't, like- We'll get to him eventually.

Yeah, right. We've done, like, 70 episodes. What do I start with? What's important? Well, Vladimir Putin, we don't really need to ruin him. We'll ruin Sean's dick, but- Well, I didn't say it was your dick. You get to...

You get to Vladimir Putin after Sean's dick? That's a bigger threat than Vladimir Putin? That's a bigger threat to our democracy? Well, but Vladimir... Hollywood award shows? And then Putin? We do common misconceptions. It's things that people think are good. People already think Putin's bad, so...

You say they think he's bad. Yeah, People already think Putin's bad. So, you know, we... You say they think he's bad. Yeah, people already know Putin's bad. But actually, okay. No, they know he's bad. You said think. No, yeah, but no, he's bad. All right. I feel like I'm being...

People think he's bad. I feel like I'm being set up here to seem as though... I feel like... I feel as though you're trying to portray me as being in Putin's pocket. You... Did you ruin guns? that is our season premiere this year when does this come out anything to defend ourselves against vladimir putin well no we talk about gun rights and we talk about gun control and we don't we don't say we don't like say guns should all be taken away or anything like that so you so you what do you say so you love them no i don't love no there's no we we talk we have more nuance on the issue than that

then then we love them or we hate them nuance new nuance nua nce we got more nuance on the issue We got more nuance on the issue. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just to do a quick, you know, just a quick ruins earwolf. Okay. What are we doing for time?

Do we have time to ruins earwolf? Yeah, we have time. I mean, it seems as though, you know, podcast advertising revenue, this is just based on my own anecdotal understanding, but it seems to be cratering advertising revenue for podcasts. Yeah, we're seeing that. Seems as though sponsors are not really interested. You know, the serial bump has come and gone, and now it's all about podcasts were the last sort of vestige

of the independent web, but now with the rise of analytics on Apple and things like that, it's all becoming centralized again. you know i think maybe the podcast golden age that we've been enjoying for the last uh five years or so maybe swiftly coming to an end that is absolutely true for every other show except ours oh yeah yeah unfortunately the other shows are going to go through uh some lean years coming up but not this show show. Winter is coming, Game of Thrones. Yeah, that is from Game of Thrones. Yeah, Family Guy taught me that. So, yeah, this show.

The ads are the best part of the show, and everyone listens to them all the way through. And you can see that on the Apple Analytics. Mm-hmm. You can see people listening. They measure how your eyebrows move while you are listening to the show. That sounds bad to me. I don't think I

want the intrusion of a company observing my eyebrows. Then you'll be stuck with a lot of podcasts where your eyebrows are either not moving at all or furrowed. I want my eyebrows to move at their own free will and I don't want anyone to watch my eyebrows.

No one's controlling the way your eyebrows move except in your case, Vladimir Putin. Wait, how did we... I've just caught it like I see it, pal. But for the analytics, they see people listen to our show and especially when they get to the ads, their eyebrows are like on the back of their head.

Yeah. Wow. They go all the way around. Wow. Like underneath their, on the napes of their necks? Sometimes it will even get back that far. Wow. Come up under their jaw.

So you guys are, how much? The full 360. I mean, how much are you guys getting for a sponsorship for like a 30 second, you know, uh, say I'm blue apron and we don't know. We don't know. Hi. I will say I, I have heard reports. Please. That is high.

Two digits. Oh, wow. That's great. Very high. Very high. Two digits. Oh yeah. Just about as high as it goes.

Maximum of 99. Well, not that high high If you can imagine Not that high But yeah very high If you can imagine For a 30 second spot Making $3 Every second

Every second $3 Second's pretty fast Brother Is appearing That's a good point A lot of people make Just $7 an hour

Have you ruined time yet? Linear time? I don't want to bring up something that's ruined. but we talked about doing it. Daylight savings. There's daylight savings.

There's the idea that, I mean, it's a very interesting idea, but, you know, there wasn't even such a thing as a single clock that everyone was on until the advance

of railroad time. And, you know, when the railroads came through, which I always thought was very, very interesting. You know, time was a much the advance of railroad time. And, you know, when the railroads came through, which I always thought was very, very interesting, you know, time was a much more fluid notion before then. So that could be something that we could. Did you say a lot of people are making $7 an hour? Yeah.

And I also heard that radio lab. What's the minimum wage in the United States? Oh God. $7.25 an hour. Yeah, all right. That's wrong. Well, I was rounding. Are you pissed about time?

Am I pissed? No, I'm not pissed about it. You just brought it up. It used to be way more... You brought it up. You said, have you ever ruined time? Yeah, but then you're like, well, we thought about doing it because it used to be way more, what did you call it? Fluid. Fluid, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not pissed about that. It was just interesting. Yeah, I listened to that radio lap too. It was, well, I heard it over an episode of the Backstory podcast, I believe it was. I don't think it was. Backstrom? No, actually no.

It's not a podcast. It's a detective show. He's a total dick. No, it's Backstory. Backstory. It's a podcast called Backstory. It's a podcast called Backstory. It's a really good history podcast hosted by a bunch of history professors in Virginia. All right.

And that's before Radiolab. I believe I heard that. I believe that's where I heard it. Before Radiolab, yeah. Yeah. What time is it in the show? We're at like 38 minutes. Oh, my God.

And Kevin is acting like he's been in there the whole time. Can't you just see how Kevin... I've been looking in there and he's just been coming and going as he pleases. Hey guys. Bathroom breaks. Chef Kevin here. What'd you do? I took pictures and then I came back.

So when you weren't in there, you were in here? Yeah, you'd notice he was in here taking pictures. What's the partition even for? for yeah why do we have it hey chef kevin will you ruin something or do something you're doing nothing sure but first i'd like to start with a joke hey adam do you know how you said nuance? Yeah. Well, when my grandma got pregnant, I also had a couple nuance. Okay, now for my pitch. That's a really good joke. That's a really good joke. So she had twins.

Yeah. Okay. Just for the purpose of the joke. I also had a couple too, Hans. Do you know this show? I'm sorry, it's really funny. And I did think of that too. Yeah, and I was thinking about it too.

I was working on old ones. You guys didn't say it though. He said it. I was working on old ones. I was busy. I had a lot going on. Do you know the show American Horror Story? I had a joke too.

I know that show, yeah. Wait, Sean just said he had a joke. Wait, I got a joke. Where does the king keep his armies? Where's the king? Keep his armies where? In his sleevies. In his sleevies?

Wait. Where does the king keep his armies? Oh, in his sleevies in his in his sleevy wait where's he can keep his army i had to i had to hear it twice but yeah it was no that's good in his sleeve we all got jokes yeah now we just shown that we all have jokes now go ahead and the santa clara guys keep their armies in their smoothies oh no see no. Some of these billboards. You guys want to hear my favorite joke? This is my favorite joke. Please, please. Is it going to be freaking capitalism or something?

No, come on. Do you love capitalism? I know I don't love capitalism. The American economy. It's okay. I don't want to do my joke now. Hit me with the fucking joke. Okay.

It was about, um, oh, gee, it it was about... Did you see this news story? It actually just happened. This actress killed herself. She stabbed herself. I'm blanking on her name. I thought this was a joke. Wait, are you going to tell the joke? Or are you going to a completely different conversation?

You're talking about the news? Yeah, well... Just tell the joke. It's the setup for the joke. Do you want me to guess her last name? Yeah, it's like I can't remember her last name. And I say Witherspoon? Yeah, I say, no, with her knife. No, I think

it's with a knife. With her knife. She stabbed herself with her own knife? Yes, with her own knife. This joke, honestly, I've told this joke hundreds of times. It's never gone worse. Yeah, because we figured it out. Yeah, we actually managed to crack it.

Yeah, I mean, I guess normally I'm a better actor with it, but in this case... And I think you surround yourself with people dumber than you. Wow. Don't you think that's probably true? with people dumber than you. Wow. Don't you think that's probably true? I try to keep myself challenged, you know,

by the staff on my show. They're all people smarter than me. Adam saw that movie, The Yes Man. He thought it was a documentary. And there was a documentary called The Yes Man. Oh, of course. Right around that same time. Sure, yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

But that movie is not about a guy who surrounds himself with Yes Man. Oh, of course. Right around that same time. Sure, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. But that movie is not about a guy who surrounds himself with Yes Man. That's a guy who can only say yes to everything. Right, yeah. I have a question. I saw the movie Liar Liar. Go ahead. Would you say that you ruin jokes too?

Yeah, I guess so. I guess I do ruin jokes because that one was really, I mean, I felt like it was a little bit of a bumpy, you know, performance situation. But yeah, I mean, I felt like it was a little bit of a bumpy, you know, performance situation. But yeah, I mean, I definitely could have delivered it better. And I will say that is by far the most unhinged Jordan has become on the show.

I mean, she's going buck wild right now. She has gone completely buck wild. I have a joke, but I don't want to tell it because I think it's bad. Oh, come on. Come on. That's what we gotta hear. Engineer Jordan. I'll sometimes do open mics and I open with a dyslexic guy walked into a bra.

Okay. See, it doesn't get better. It does. Wait, it's over. It's over. It's done. No one laughs. They just look at me in confusion. Well, as someone who is LD, learning disabled, I can say that I'm comfortable laughing at myself. Hey, you know, I remember feeling apart from my peers growing up, getting pulled out of class and having to work with like a special instructor and them trying to identify why I was so far behind. out of class and having to work with like a special instructor and I'm trying to identify why I was so far behind.

But also it can be super funny, you know, that people mix up, their brain just doesn't work the way it used to. And the fact that, I mean, the fact that Adam called his staff challenged earlier. No, that's not what I said. I said I wanted to challenge me. I want to be challenged by them Okay, so he wants to be challenged Is that offensive to you?

No, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no, no Different sense of the word I misheard because I could never imagine you would say something like that What you should say in the future is I want to be differently abled I meant challenged in the sense of inspired, in the sense of driven to succeed.

But not in the bad way that I am. Oh, my gosh. I feel as though I'm being fenced in. I'm trying to get out of a maze and walls keep coming down around me. Denzel directed that movie. Wow. Hear that straw? Yeah.

It's almost the most expensive version of it. Yeah, it's half the price of the one that I initially saw. What I got to say is there's like a rubbery lining to it. It does not help the taste of the drink okay people have only people that don't listen to the pro version i don't think know about your special straw i have a special straw uh essentially there's a war on straws in the united states yeah that's true and people are very upset they found a turtle with a straw in its nose, and we got to stop this.

It's a wasteful thing, and so you go, okay, don't use straws anymore. Some people say use paper straws. Okay, but that's a lot of production as well. Don't use straws anymore, some people say. I say I have extremely thin enamel on my teeth. I know we've talked a lot about my learning disability today, visual motor disorder.

teeth. I know we've talked a lot about my learning disability today, visual motor disorder. But also I have thinning nail on my teeth that came in pretty weak and very sensitive to hot and cold. And when it's a cold drink with ice cubes and I have to drink it without a straw, let's face it, it hurts. Am I a tough guy? Yeah, I'm a tough guy, Adam, but it doesn't mean I need to invite discomfort into my life. So I want to use a straw. So I saw on Shark Tank there was a reusable straw. It was metal and collapsible. It was called Final Straw. Mmm. Good name.

They were $25 to buy that one. Wow. This one was only $12. Wow. I bought the cheaper one. But the one on Shark Tank, was it available for you to buy for $25? Or was that just what the price was that it said on Shark Tank? It was available.

Who was in? Lori? I'm going to guess. No, I'm going to guess Cuban. I don't think they even got a deal. What? This is a great idea. They had fantastic margins.

I don't think they got a deal. Bizarre. I can see him getting the idea to ruin straws. No. He's got that face. I watched it. I saw the light bulb go on over his head. Straws are small potatoes.

And I'll say this. There's already a straw in that turtle's nose. It's already in there. So we have to ban all the other ones? So more aren't in there? There's already one in there. Yes, that's the idea. I want to be helpful.

I now have to ask for a straw often. If I go to a restaurant, they say you have to request if you want a straw. I don't want to do that. I don't want the shame. So I bring this. I can fold it up and put it on a key chain, and it's nice. But I am noticing now that there is a rubber lining and that it doesn't make things taste better.

And I'll say something. People don't like to talk about this. It doesn't make things taste better. And I'll say something. People don't like to talk about this. I have heard that that turtle was about to schwack a fat rail. He was schwacking, yeah. What?

He was going to what? He was going to schwack one. Yeah, that's right. He had chopped up a big, fat, nasty rail, and he was going to schwack it straight to the dome. Oh. And then he gets caught. I see, I see, I see. By his mom, and he's like, oh, pollution.

I got pollution on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was going to snort drugs. When actually he's a hop head. He's a juicer. Wow. I had no idea. Yeah.

It's sad. It's sad, but it happens to a lot of turtles now. It does. So anyway, I had no idea. Yeah. It's sad, it's sad, but it happens to a lot of turtles now. It does. So anyway, I'm helping him. I got this straw, and I wonder if the more expensive one has a better tasting lining. Something to think about. It tastes bad. The lining tastes bad.

You can taste that there's rubber, and it makes things a little bit worse. And maybe there's a way that I could clean it or treat it or something that will be better. But anyway, I'm using it. Can you find a way to drink that avoids your teeth? Like without the straw, can you just like purse your lips?

Yeah, but you look so stupid when you do that. And then you like suck it in fast past your teeth. It's harder to avoid the teeth than you'd think. And, and I've tried doing that that method that you said I know now what I looked like when I did it

and I'm glad I abandoned it but anyway yeah I have some some work to do I got some work to do I can admit that I'll ruins myself you know no one ruins me harder than me yeah that's for damn sure yeah no one ruins me as viciously as I ruins myself, you know? No one ruins me harder than me. Yeah, that's for damn sure.

Yeah, no one ruins me as viciously as I ruins myself. I think that's so important to self-improvement and to being honest. Don't you have a podcast? Yeah, what do you do? I did a podcast for many years. The Adam Ruins Everything podcast. We're on hiatus right now because we are finding a new home for it. We might do it right here in this very studio.

Okay, so you're ruining Earwolf to bring the price down a little bit. Say again? Ruining Earwolf so that they make them desperate for contract leverage. You asked me to ruin Earwolf. All about the bottom line. So anytime you try to ruin an industry, you go to them first and be like, oh, it'd be a shame if your industry of cars got ruined. Hmm.

Hmm. That's not really how I, not really how I do it, but okay. So it's just a coincidence that they pay you big bucks. Yeah. Who pays me big bucks? Cars.

Cars. I'm not paid by cars. Sure. Okay. No, I ruined cars. They don't like me. Yeah. We'll say that you didn't.

Yeah, they didn't pay you enough. Oh, so you do admit they didn't pay you enough, so you ruined them. Anything you haven't ruined must be paying protection. I know. Anything you haven't ruined must be paying protection. I don't. It's a little like in Venom, that one convenience store lady who has to pay the gang bangers. You didn't see Venom?

Didn't see Venom. Jesus Christ, Adam. What? It wasn't, it didn't look that good. Grow the fuck up, man. It seemed like a rather childish movie. You just did Who Charted. Yeah. Eddie.

Remember? This is that childish demeanor coming out. Yeah. Not seeing Venom. Okay, well. And I think it's time to put the toys away. Uh-huh. And it's time to become an adult and see Venom

Venom you feel is a mature film? yeah it looked a little immature to me oh really what's immature about it? the freaking big teeth the sort of sexual tongue

whoa you brought that to it. I can see why the nine-year-olds are. No, no, no. Everyone agrees that Venom's a very sexual character. Everyone knows that. It's very well known among comic book aficionados that Venom is a sexual character. He's chomping everybody?

He's got that big tongue. That's how you do it? He's wrapping it around people. Also, the sense of your body being possessed, you know, and being not yours. Is there something sort of deeply, you know, deeply energizing about that? I don't know. Keep going. Well, it's like, you know, there's like a...

Keep going. I'm loving this. Speak on that. Speak on that. It's like, you know, there's like an alien. There's an alien entity that's sort of bonding with you but you know like your body becomes

not your own so now he's calling it your body changes is that like puberty an alien entity well yeah the symbiosis he says this all this time

but he thinks it's totally normal for it to look like that and now he's calling Sean's dick oh the bee no I'm not talking about Sean's dick an alien. Which, by the way, had on me for 35 years.

I didn't know. I didn't know. One 12-minute segment. I didn't know that every time I spoke, I was giving you an arrow in your quiver that you would later use to shoot me in the chest. It doesn't quiver that much. Didn't used to anyway. Bye. I'm really sorry that you took that segment so hard.

He said bye. Bye. Are we done? Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook.