Hollywood Handbook - Adam Lustick, Our Sad Friend

Episode Date: May 28, 2018

Sean is joined by ADAM LUSTICK from Corporate for a call-in show during a tragedy.This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron ( www.blueapron.com/HANDBOOK ), hims ( www.forhims.com/THEBOYS ), and Uncharted Supply Co ( www.unchartedsupplyco.com/THEBOYS ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. episode of our podcast, and Hayes and I actually went back and forth for a while on whether to even release this, but ultimately we decided that, you know, even if it's not fun, it's maybe kind of important for you guys to hear it. So what am I talking about? To give a little bit of context for what you're going to listen to, this show was recorded during the six hours where we, well, just say it, we thought Brooklyn Nine-Nine was canceled. And, sorry. And if you remember what that day was like, between Fox saying, we're not going to do it, and then NBC actually, like,

having a fucking backbone and stepping up and, and saving something that is far from over, you know? Uh, this is a show that has only done 112 episodes and there's a lot of story left to tell and the fact that we almost lost it well everybody was scared when we were recording this and that comes through uh it's not always going to be fun for you to hear. It's not always going to seem like we have our feet under us. Hayes wasn't even in the studio. Our guest, Adam something, also seemed off to me. But, you know, the fact of the matter is, we want you guys to hear this because even though it's not a great, funny podcast, it is still kind of a symbol of perseverance perseverance and of what can happen when you don't give up and you don't just immediately pack it in and you get together with your friends and you lock arms with two other

mid-level white comedians uh sort of late 30s, doing okay but not setting the world on fire, and you hold tough until the miracle happens. I know personally I'm probably going to be revisiting this episode just as a way to instill hope when I am going through something where one of my close relatives dies in a, in a rocket explosion or, uh, from, from a big bug from outer space comes and eats them, or if they're stuck in a bog, their boot's stuck, and then they lean down to try to pull their boot out and wind up doing almost like a somersault into the muck, and now their head's sinking, and so then it's like they're getting like bog muck in their mouth and they're like pulling on that and then they can't really breathe

and then when they finally do sort of get out there's like a guy with a hammer and he just creams him man i mean he just really gives him gives them the hammer right in the kisser. We've all had stuff like that happen, and in the past when it does, I've just put on this one song that I really like called Rebel Just for Kicks, man. But now I think I have something new to listen to, and it's this episode.

So, you know, try to enjoy it. It hurts to remember some of the mistakes that were made, but also focus on the fact that we did come out the other side. Yay, 2018, finally something good for someone. And here's to 112 more. Precinct 99. So it was me and Detective Jake Peralta and Captain Ray Holt and Detective Amy Santiago. getting clowned on by Gina Linetti, who was explaining why she had a blow dryer plugged in under her desk to dry her feet.

And we were a family and we didn't know how good we had it. And then, sorry. And then I think you know what happened next. Well, so welcome to – so this is the show. This is Hollywood Handbook. We are or were or are trying to be a podcast about kicking butt and taking names in the red carpet line back hallways of the industry we call bullshit, which is fucking fake. bullshit, which is fucking fake. And where, um, I guess doing your best and making a good funny show with a real human characters is not the job description anymore. So, um, so I don't know exactly what I'm doing here. Uh, Adam Lustig is my guest and sorry, bad timing, Adam. I know we've

been trying to get you on for a while. There's been a cloud hanging over, I think, all of us all day. So I'm right with you. I just want to say in solidarity that this is a truly horrible, this is a tragic time. So you take all the time you need. And we can just sit here in silence if you want. I mean, I just want to respect your feelings and your patience. We'll take this at your pace.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, well – How did you hear? I mean I don't want to reopen this wound, but like where were you when you found out? Well, so I – I don't know if people know this about me, but I love Mediterranean food. Yeah. And so I make something I call the falafel waffle where I grill pita bread and a waffle iron. And then I smush falafel into that.

Oh, you smush it right in. And then I spread some spicy feta cheese and a little bit of hummus and some of those pickled onions that they have. And I fold that all over. Oh, delicious. And I chomp on that. Yeah. And I do this in the kitchen of any restaurant that will let me back there. Sure. They'll just say, excuse me, can I help in the kitchen for any restaurant that will let me back there. Sure. They'll just say, excuse me, can I happen to –

Yeah, I'll just go to whatever, Pita King or some of these ones have crazy names I can't – I don't want to pronounce because I don't want to be in trouble. Get it wrong. But I will go to those places and I was in one and I said, hey, can I get back in the kitchen? And the guy behind the counter went, sure, I don't care. Yeah. I just work here. I don't care.

And something felt off about the way he said it. And I noticed he's looking at one of these phones that people have now. You mean like an iPad or like a – It is like an iPad. Yeah. It is like an iPad but shrunk. Shrunken. So he's looking at it and then I look a little closer and I notice he's crying

and he's bleeding a little. And I go, hey, man man I hope this isn't too intrusive yeah I know we just met yeah exactly or it didn't even

really mean I asked to go to the kitchen you said okay and I'm hungry keep in mind definitely so I'm already not like prepared

to take a body blow exactly when I'm hungry all my defenses are down and even the slightest and I'll go and I'll be even more honest. Yeah.

I was, in fact, hangry. Yeah. Yeah. And it's brave of you to admit that, I think. Well, I'm not somebody who wants to look like, okay, this guy gets hangry. Yeah. You know, and then that's just how people see me. I try to be a superhero on this show.

I hear you. And I'm sick of it. I hear you. I think I have done myself and my audience a disservice by always being this bulletproof Superman, awesome guy, funny and nice to everyone who comes in and just crushing it. And social media does this. Yes. Hello. Everybody's not on vacation all the time.

You know, why don't you put up an Instagram story of the fight you're having with your spouse over how you smashed all the cups. Show your real self on social media. Because that's what's happening in our house. That's life. I have an idea for a business just as a side note. You know those signs that they put in like a warehouse that will say this workplace has blank number of days without an accident? Okay, yes.

And it will say like 45 and then cross out and say zero. Zero, yeah. What about like this relationship has blank number of days without an argument? What about like this relationship has blank number of days without an argument and you put that sign up in your kitchen and then maybe as sort of a way to have a light touch after you smash all the cups. Yes. And your wife is like, I wanted to have some water to drink. Now I have to drink it out of my hands. Out of my hands like a dog. You say – you go over to the sign and you cross out the number that's on there.

And you go ahead and you put a zero. Old goose egg up there. Yep. So anyway, to get back to the story, I was in this crazy named place and he – and I said, do you mind – what is it that you're seeing there on the shrinkant iPad? And really quick, where was he, just to paint a picture, where was he bleeding from? He was bleeding from his nose. It was his nose and his ears.

Okay. And I said, what is it that you're seeing that's making you so upset? And he said, oh, my God, you haven't heard. And I said, no, oh, no, I have, I have. Oh, yeah, now I know because I'm embarrassed. Bulletproof Sean. Bulletproof Sean. I don't want to seem vulnerable like that.

Superhero. And that I haven't heard. You know, that's one of the rules in this town is like no one can tell you about anything. That you don't already have known. Somebody says like, are you going to blank party or whatever? You go like, oh, please. I planned it. Even if you don't know what it is or where it is or who the person that's asking it.

I planned it. I'm hosting it. I'm actually seeing it. That's my party. And I just canceled it. Yeah. And I won't see you there. Yeah.

And then he said, oh, well, then if you already heard, then I guess you're just being pretty brave. And I said, yeah, I guess so. And he said, because I know that I'm not able to not bleed and cry when I find out that they're shutting down the precinct. And that the, I think like acapella competition that they would hold with the subway, with the transit cops around Christmas time. Yep. Yep. Well, that ain't coming this year.

So, of course, then I did know what was going on. And let's just say I wasn't hangry anymore. Just angry. Just angry. And just sad. Were you able to get back into the kitchen and make your falafel? I did go make, but I made only half the size of as usual. Out of respect. Out of respect.

Yeah, I sort of flew my falafel waffle half-masked. And I don't think – I just want you to know, and I don't want to cross any lines. I don't want to know. I don't think any less of you for sharing your vulnerability and saying how upset you were. And I know you're right that we all have to be Iron Man in this town. We all have to be Superman. It's true.

We all have to be Aquaman in this town. We all have to be – did I say Iron Man? Iron Man again. Yeah. And we all just have to be Iron Man 2. And now I'm in Iron Man 2. And we're supposed to be Ant-Man. Exactly.

And we're supposed to be tough like an ant and I'm sorry I don't have an exoskeleton actually my skeleton's bones is in the inside of me it's brittle and I'm brittle in there you're strong as an ant though like you can lift like 40 times that means a lot

and I agree I agree with you but that doesn't change the fact that I can get hurt. You can have all the muscles you want. You can be able to lift all the weight that you want. But a news like Brooklyn Nine-Nine. It's a lot of weight. It's a lot of weight.

I mean, that is a lot of weight. You are very strong. I can lift 40 times my own weight. 40 times. That's amazing. But once again, tell that to Captain. It's a good thing you don't have like hanger management issues like usually because with that strength. I would smash right through.

Yeah. And I honestly, the restaurant was lucky because of how I was feeling. I probably could have smashed that whole kitchen and crunched it up into just a little sphere. A little kitchenette. Yeah, like a ball of mass. Yeah. And just throw the kitchen into the street and throw it so hard it goes through the wall.

And I didn't do that. And a lot of times what happens for me is my hanger turns inward. Oh. And gets pointed at me. And what did I do? Or what didn't I do? What could I have done? What should I have done?

How could we have avoided this? I've been going over this. I think you have too. I know Engineer Brett. It's like we've been reliving this over and over again. It's brutal. It's a waking nightmare. It's a literal waking nightmare reliving this over and over again. It's brutal. It's a waking nightmare.

It's a literal waking nightmare. Just replaying in slow motion. What could I have tweeted? How could I have posted? How could I show my support? How could I keep this, my favorite precinct on the air? I'll do anything. I will do anything.

And I see and I look out and I see Lynn. Yeah. Saying yeah. I see Lynn. Yeah. Saying yeah. I do love this show. And I go, why can't I be like Lynn? We're going to do the show anyway. Adam Lustick is here. This is hard.

He does show, corporation show. What are you on the call sheet there? What number on the call sheet? Number four. Number four. Okay. is here. This is hard. He does show, corporation show. What are you on the call sheet there? What number on the call sheet? Number four. Number four. Okay, pretty good. Because there's obviously two main guys. That's right. And then somebody in between. Somebody in between the two main guys. And then it's the dude.

So this guy's here. He does a show. It's on the Comedy Channel. It's on Comedy Channel Central. ComedyCentral.com. And yeah, how's their player there? If you go to ComedyCenter.com, how's the player? Poor. Okay.

It's poor. I think basically top to bottom, anecdotally I've heard it's a wholly unpleasant experience. I would go to almost any other website just to avoid it. The comedy center. Yeah. I would even have it open. I would just suggest having it open in a tab just so you know not to look at it. Maybe just keep it open.

Just as a reminder. Just as a reminder. Yeah. Do not. Yeah. Don't look at this. So Hayes couldn't be here. He's on a trip.

Lucky him. Yeah, really. Hayes couldn't be here he's on a trip lucky him yeah really and we wanted to do something with Adam kind of take the pressure off of me too which is to have

a call in show where people can call in and do this is sort of almost like a Reddit AMM thing and it's but instead it's in human form with using phone.

Got it. And Reddit is a online magazine. Yes. It's an online magazine. Zine. Zine. It's a webazine which has all different chapters at any time. Different chapters that you can flip through.

Got it. And it's sort of open. Open source. You know, what I like about that magazine is I'm the editor-in-chief because I'm able to get in there with some of the articles that I want to post, whether it be The Fappening or whether it be just Creepshots or just any kind of hate group that I can get in and kind of weigh in. You can get in there. Yeah, get your foot in the door. Yeah. Well, anyway, I'm not so versed in the webazine.

I just wanted to make sure I knew. No, but it's like that. But we're not going to use the webazine, I just wanted to make sure I knew. No, but it's like that, but we're not going to use the webazine. But in a way, these callers who we're going to get – and, Bray, you're set up for the callers? Yeah, yeah. I set it all up. Great. And, hey, real quick before we do this.

Chef Kevin. Hey, guys. Chef Kevin here. One thing that this incident has given me that could maybe be a positive is I realized that you should tell people and shows and things that you care about that you really care about them while they're still around. While they are here. And not wait for them to be gone. Amen. And so I just want to say, can you write down for me to do that after we finish this episode? Because there's a couple people I need to do that with.

Absolutely. I know we don't really know each other that well, Kevin, but would you mind doing the same thing for me? Sure. Why not? Great. So, Brett, are we set up to take some callers? Yeah, the call line's open. Okay. Beautiful. All right. And they're callers? Yeah, the call line is open. Okay.

Beautiful. All right. And they're allowed to ask you, and nothing's off limits, right? Nothing's off limits. I'm an open book, but just know, given the context, that we are shook up. I took the screener off, too, so it's just wide open. All right. Anyone can just come right in.

Perfect, yeah. And I love to talk to fans. I love to talk to non-fans and convert them into fans. John? John? Hello? Who is this? John, it's me.

Hayes? It's Hayes. Hayes? Where are you? I just heard. Are you okay? I'm in, you know, I'm in Bantz. In Bantz?

The Bantz, the resort city, it's in Alberta in Canada. Uh-huh. Oh, of course. And I was... Fat Alberta. I was water skiing. Uh-huh. I was water skiing on Lake Louise.

Oh. And... You love that, Lake Louise. And there's a sky writer going above in the sky. No. There's a sky writer going above in the sky. No. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

And they're writing, wear a banana boat sunscreen. Mm-mm. But they don't finish sunscreen. They stop writing. Oh, God. And they write, wait, no it can't oh no and you could probably feel it and then no again in much bigger letters and i know exactly what has happened because it's up front coming up. Right. Oh, Hayes. And on your vacation,

Hayes. On my vacation, and I collapse and am dragged. Oh, by the boat. I don't, and I don't even feel it. Did you use the red flag?

Because there's no external pain. You're numb. It feels good. It feels good compared to the pain that's happening in my heart, in my brain. Oh, God. I love it. Being dragged and bouncing on the water.

Oh, Hayes. Oh, no. And get the water in your mouth. And so I pick myself up I say I know whatever I'm going through is nothing compared to what's happening with you because Gina Linetti of course is your spirit animal

yes yeah well let's talk about that for a second hi Adam I'm sorry that we have to I saw that you were on the schedule today sorry I couldn't I'm sorry that we have to— I saw that you were on the schedule today. Sorry, I couldn't— Oh, no, please.

I'm in band. Band sounds lovely, and say hi to Lake Louise for me. Let's talk about this for a second because I think it's important. The concept of a spirit animal and that phrase gets overused these days. It does. It gets bandied about. But in reality, there is a Native American tradition where you do go on a journey into the woods as you are becoming a man. Okay. And you, if you are very lucky, will have a vision of what is known as your Manitou. Okay.

will have a vision of what is known as your Manitou. Okay. In their language, the Manitou is a figure, a symbol, a core element of yourself. Right. And perhaps it could be the stag, which would represent abundance. Right. Virility. Or it could be a mother bear. Yeah.

And it could be about protection. I did go into the sweat lodge. I did starve myself for three days. I did walk into the sweat lodge. I did starve myself for three days. I did walk out to the river. And I did see there drinking honey from beehive Gina Lunetti. And I'll say this

too. The bees did not sting her. And I believe it's because she is so sassy and there is so much sting to her own words spicy there's so much heat on it that

they almost felt that she was a kindred spirit I understand and that changed the entire course of my life. And I DGAF, and I live by that. Were you surprised? Were you surprised when you saw Gina drinking honey from the bees nest?

Or was it a moment almost like, of course? It was actually as if I had already lived this. Right. As if I was just – something was being revealed to me that had always been there. I was seeing something that I had been turning a blind eye to that was present within me. Yeah. And so there was not a feeling of surprise. There was a feeling of, oh, yeah.

Right. Recognition. A deep. Oh, you know what? Yeah. Actually? Oh, yeah. Right.

Oh, what? That's right. Right. Is what I was sort of saying. Yeah. So if I could jump in here for a second. Please. Please. Please.

The one reason that I called is I was a little worried, you know, with what Sean is going through, how he would do hosting the show on his own. He's not like a host type. I'm sort of a sidekick at best. Right, right, right. He's Falstaff, the wise fool. He's the wise fool. So if I could guess how this has been going so far, Adam, you have mostly

been asking Sean questions. We've just kind of been, I have been kind of holding his hand. The mood in the the mood in here is dark the lights are off uh we're okay we're crying because even to be even to begin with he doesn't he doesn't love to relinquish his platform right you know it's a very primal instinct it's um it's very you know jungle law essentially right um and so one thing i think we could maybe try to get back to the traditional host guest dynamic is adam maybe you say a little story sure or something uh that happened to you and then sean after adam says something you can ask a question based on what Adam said. And we can reverse engineer it so that we put the questions first in the edit. I'll say an interesting thing or half interesting or maybe even dull.

And then Sean will ask me about it ex post facto. And then you're saying that we can sort of engineer it in post production. And then we can put that first, and then Sean won't have to think of a question. How do you reverse engineer? Yeah. Brad, do you know how to do a reverse engineer? No, I'm just wondering.

I think I know what you're talking about. I've heard of a reverse jam, a reverse slam dunk. Oh, I can do that. If it's anything like – It's interesting. Hey, King Henry's downfall was actually when he lost touch with Falstaff. That is when he kind of lost the trust of the people. And as much as it was not –

Oh, God. You mean Falstaff. The type of maybe person you would assume that royalty should associate with, he felt he had to cut ties with some of the sort of rascals from his past and that it was unbecoming. But in fact, that is when he was unable to connect with the population at large, and that became his undoing. with the population at large and that became his undoing. Oh yeah, of course. And of course you can imagine a world where there is just Falstaff, the wise fool.

There is very little else going on. Yeah. In the kingdom. There really is no kingdom. Right. Yeah. Then it's just dueling Falstaff. Mm- dueling fall staffs uh so can we try this little exercise i'm gonna try that i'll see but i'd but i gotta say i don't know that i get it

i'm willing it's so we can replicate the traditional format of an interview q then a then q then a then q then A, then Q, then A. Yes, but it's A that, yes. So you don't have to think of a question yourself. Adam will think of a fun answer. I'll lead the story. I'll lead with the A. I'll start with the A.

Okay. Okay, I get it. Yes. Okay, yeah. I'm willing to give that a try. Okay. If you guys are, again, I know that we're in sort of a dark place here, but I'm up for it. I'm like, I can't. I'm up to give that a try if you guys are again I know that we're in sort of a dark place here but I'm up for it

I'm up for it I can't see anything you know what I mean it's so dark in here and it's also I think I've gone blurry in a way I've been in this fog ever since I heard

and if we could just let Adam do his part of it I've been in this fog ever since I heard. Yeah, yeah. And if we could just let Adam do his part of it, just to, if we could just try this exercise just really quick. No, I'm hearing you, yes. And if Adam does it, that's okay. I'm willing to. I'm open to it. And we can roll right into my A, or we can take another

beat just to kind of absorb the Brooklyn Nine-Nine information but I'm happy to Please don't use that word. I'm so sorry. B-Nine-Nine. I'll just say hashtag B-Nine-Nine and we can leave it at that. I don't want to open any wounds. So I had a fun

Or you can chant. Sorry. No, I'm sorry. You can chant 9-9 out of respect online that seems like what a lot of people have been doing just chanting it for their favorite show okay but Hayes

Adam was actually telling a story Hayes no it's okay there's I mean that's good I want Sean to be I mean... No, that's good. That's good. I want Sean to be coming from this place, so that's good. Go ahead, Adam. Okay.

Let me just take a sip of water. I'm sorry. I'm always apologizing, but I'm sorry. So I'm at Fred's 62's up in Los Feliz, and I'm with... Fred's 62's up in Los Feliz and I'm with Where are you at, Fred 62's? I'm with some pals.

I order the buttermilk pancakes. That's my routine. It's Wednesday and that's what I always do on Wednesdays. What'd you do on Wednesdays? And who do I I think this will cut together. Keep going. This feels perfect.

So, who do I see at the table next to me? And you're never going to guess. And I promise you, you will never, ever guess. Hey, what are you doing? It's Gunther, the waiter from Friends. So I walk over and I go, uh, Gunther? And he looks at me and I go, um, a big fan. The frosted tips that you had on the show Friends on NBC. Why haven't I been talking for so long?

I go, the frosted tips you had on the TV sitcom Friends on NBC. Was that your real tips or was that Hollywood hair? And he looks at me and he goes, I think you have the wrong guy. My name is Dave. And I just kind of slink back to my pancakes, tail between my legs, embarrassed. Where is your tail? I'm embarrassed as heck. I say to my friends, I thought that was Gunther the waiter from the sitcom Friends.

It's the waiter from Central Park. Speak on that. And they go, that's Dave. That's Dave. He's my landlord. I go, that's information I could have used five minutes ago, pal.

And I'm sorry. It is, Hayes, I know that we wanted to kind of do this ANQ thing. How'd that go? It's hard. Can I ask you a question? Sure. Was I listening to James Corden definitely bring out funny stories from like an Ashley Judd type?

Because that's where I went listening to that. It was perfect. Wow. Okay. Well, I mean, I will never doubt your instinct again, Hayes. You are truly a maestro of the form, and by form I mean podcast. So you know what to do. You're a Jedi, and you knew this would work, and it did.

Podcasts are having a moment, aren't they? Yeah. Hayes, do you think podcasts are having a moment aren't they yeah hey do you think podcasts are having a moment aren't they i am and yes i am enjoying the moment that podcasts are having uh it has the most it has the most faithful listener base of any kind of medium, which is important because the other kinds have so many more. But podcasts are actually better because there's like 200, 300 people that listen to a podcast,

but actually the ads are more valuable because they're more faithful. They're more loyal listeners. And so a TV show has like six, seven million viewers. Can I stop you? Can I stop you? TV shows are not having a moment, aren't they? No, no, no, no, no.

I didn't mean to bring it back to that. They are having a certain kind of moment. But it's like a moment where you crop your head off with an electric saw. It's the opposite of the kind of moment podcasts are having. Because you have nothing to laugh at with your mouth anymore. Right. You have no funny things to look at with your eyes. Exactly.

And you have no funny jokes from Detective Rosa Diaz to listen to with your ears. That's right. Can I introduce a topic, another thing that I think would be good to keep the conversation going, get Sean in host mode,

is to introduce something that you guys have in common. Sure. Which is Adam. Yeah. You were in a sketch group called the Harvard Sailing Team. That's right.

Oh, wow. That is true. That is true. And Sean was actually on, kind of interesting, the Harvard Whaling Team. Oh, wow. That's okay. Yes. How was that for you well uh i mean it was fun me and all my chums my rich cronies would pile into a boat and uh we would harpoon a beautiful

animal and roast the fat uh to that was part of the competition. That was part of it, huh? It's the speed roast, the fat, yeah. Speed, you're saying speed, so it's about how quickly you could Yes, if you take too long to roast it, it's not wasteful. And to make ambergris, to make perfume out of the ambergris.

Oh, is that what I'm smelling? Because I'm smelling, I was that this is because i'm smelling i was gonna say that whatever you're wearing is handsome it's a handsome scent well that's the smell of the whale amber grift and and and we did do that and i remember at the time feeling so powerful and like there was nothing we couldn't do and we were true masters of the universe and we were just taking the biggest animal there was and really making it our our um our bitch yes and uh and making it get roasted against its will uh but now seeing how weak i really am yeah and that the things i truly love

are gone yeah uh and that when it came time there was nothing I could do to stop it. I look back and I realize that I am the whale. And that the Fox Broadcasting Company has harpooned me and is roasting my fat. Not that there's very much of it. I've been working out. You look trim. No, you look really trim and really good. Really good. Yeah, you're the bitch, I'm been working out. No, you look really trim and good. Really good. Really good.

Yeah. You're the bit, you're the bitch, I guess in this, they're making me their bitch. Yeah. And, um,

I'm realizing that I don't think it's fair to the legacy of the show to not talk about it. I would love to hear where Adam where you were I think we should get we should all get on paper where we were in this moment so we could look back on it

and remember sort of where it all started to go wrong yes I shared my extremely coherent streamlined story of how I found out and then Hayes you you also were obviously water skiing. Yes. Obviously water skiing and saw the sky right on Lake Louise.

And then, but Adam, we don't know what was going on for you. It's such a fresh memory, and it is so painful. But I was at Fred 62's up in Los Feliz. And I'm with some pals, and I get some pancakes because that's what I like to do over there. They make a good cake. And I sit down, and I'm putting the butter on the cake, and I'm putting the syrup on the cake, and the waitress comes over, Charlene, and I say, hey, Charlene, how's it going? And she's got – What was the waitress's name?

We'll plug that in. Perfect. That's name. We'll plug that in. Perfect. That's good. And her eyes are all puffy and I go, did you get bee stung? And she goes, not yet. And I go, what does that mean?

And she's like, well, I'm not bee stung, but I am heart stung. Because. Even in context, not yet. It's kind of a strange response. Not exactly, I would think. Would be a more normal.

More what was said. Exactly. But he is at sea. I don't know Charlene, but I know how lost she must have been in the moment. Yeah, exactly. And she was feeling what I was about to be feeling in 3, 2, 1, go. When she goes, oh, you don't know why my heart is stung. Have you looked at Deadline.com or Variety.com or HollywoodReporter.com?

And I go, yes. THR.com will get you there quick. And I go, yes, I have. Because as Sean and I were saying before, you can't afford to be vulnerable in this town and act like you don't know. And have you been on TV by the numbers? And have you been to Spotted Ratings? And have you gone to AV Club lately? And are you reading The Cut?

And are you on Vulture? That's right. And I am all of the above. Yes, yes, yes, Cut? And are you on Vulture? That's right now. That's right. And I am all of the above. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, all across the board. And Charlene knows that. And I know she knows that. And I go, yeah, I have been on the dot coms today.

But why don't you tell me why you think I think you're sad or stung? And she goes – We can put it back, put ball in her court. Exactly. You know. Yeah. Exactly. And she goes,

Andre Brouwer. That's all she goes. Oh, no. She just says it. And it's almost like she didn't know what she was saying. She didn't know it was going to come out of her. And I just start crying. I'm just crying.

And all of a sudden, I'm sitting in Fred's 62s with my buddies. I'm crying and they're crying. And the three of us are holding hands. And I'm just crying all over my cakes. I'm crying all over my – I remember running – I was running by Fred's 62s as fast as I can, screaming and crying after I heard. And I remember seeing you eating a fork. Like – I was – And just chomping on it.

And I thought, that's not like Adam. Yeah. And my teeth are – I need some serious dental. So I cracked a couple teeth. Because I was – and I – chewing on my mind is a scramble. I don't know what the hell is going on. It's upside goddamn down. There's no rules anymore.

There's no – nothing makes sense. If that's okay to do, then I guess it's okay to eat this for. Nothing matters. Or I guess this is the food and now the pancakes are the utensil. Wiping my face with my butter. Yes. Exactly. So left is right and up is down and Charlene is Marty for all I know and I don't know what the hell is going on.

So I excuse myself and I sprint myself, and I sprint down Vermont. I sprint down Vermont. I duck into the Los Feliz 3, and I take an Isle of Dogs. And I just watched. Are you cured by that? It felt nice to get my mind off the horror for at least 90 minutes. Wasn't crazy about the film, but I was glad to have a distraction. Never paid the check.

Not a lot. Not the most distracting movie, unfortunately. No, no, it wasn't. All I could think about was, God, I wish my favorite cops were here right now, and I just wish I was home on Hulu.com, or Netflix.com, but Hulu.com, I guess, watching B99, and I thought,

God damn it. I thought, God damn damn it i'm never going to be able to go and do that again there's never going to be a fresh new episode of b99 for me to go home and watch on hulu.com or fox.com again and uh hayes i don't know if we keep doing this this is this is i don't know if we keep doing this. The show? Yeah. I can tell you a take that I have been experimenting with to make me less sad and still be cool is as people are being sad about the show and cutting their heads off and crying, I kind of sidle up into the conversation and I go, Oh, you guys like that show? Oh, didn't you know that cops are actually mean?

And I start talking about how cops are messed up in this way. And though the show is fake and that has sort of helped me move on and be instead of being sad and cool be cool and like smart about the show well and about the

freaking planet don't you think don't you think? And about the, yeah. Don't you think? And about the world. Yeah. Well, because there is an extent to which it's almost as if people who are sad about B-99 did not really get This Is America, the video. Thank you.

Some of the symbolism seems to have got over their heads. Does seem like there's a bit of a dissonance there that yeah.

Hey guys. Can I go ahead. Kevin can you just shut up for one second. Adam. Yeah. I love

the story the Fritz 62 story thank you which one the one was there more than one well just the Gunther when I was talking about Gunther when I was talking about Charlene I don't remember

okay that's fine anyway thanks and I one thing I wanted to add to it, potentially, is Sean likes to fill out some of his stories with some interesting food creations that he has invented. Right. And I noticed you before were kind of talking about pancakes,

but Sean has this idea. Sean loves Mediterranean food. Yes. like kind of talking about pancakes but sean has this idea sean loves mediterranean food yes and he has this idea for a food okay that is a waffle falafel inside okay so if there we can put it in into the middle the story, but I think a food creation would be great to kind of help the experience be an invention and a good story at the same time. So, sorry, just to clarify. And what am I doing? Okay, you can keep asking your questions. I'm loving how that is working. Okay. You can keep asking your questions. I'm loving how that is working.

Okay. I just want to be sure I'm clear on this, Hayes, just because I want to nail this fucking podcast. So you're saying that maybe to punch up or to kind of spice up my great story about Fred 62s and how I go with my pals that you're saying maybe toss in a fun food invention that's maybe original and weird that I kind of have come up with to make it like a funny detail. You're ordering off menu. Got it. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I would really like to try that. So let's plug that in. All right. So I'm at Fred's 62's. What time is it? It's 10.30 a.m. at Fred's 62's.

Oh, no. And I go, Charlene, I'm tired of the menu. That's awesome. I've had everything on here. I've had the patty melt. I've had the tuna here. I've had the patty melt. I've had the tuna melt. Anything you can melt, I've melted it. Yes.

So I go, here's an idea for a dish, Charlene, and I know you don't take requests or do you kind of thing. And I go. Is she still there? She's still there. And I go – Is she still there? She's still there. And I go, give me a stick of butter and give me a stick of margarine. And let me kind of play with them like lightsabers until they melt onto my hands.

Once they're melted onto my hands, I'll wipe them on my toast that you will give me, sourdough. toast that you will give me sourdough. And so really it's kind of a light I call it margarine butter lightsaber toast spread. It's just butter toast. Yeah.

The product is just butter. The food itself is not really butter on it. And in your bread I got to agree with you. Yeah. That's sourdough toast. I got to agree with you yeah it is actually toast yeah I guess that's not both butter and margarine is I guess

kind of I don't know I guess using both those things yeah you could like wrap it in banana leaves or something wrap my hands in banana leaves or something. Wrap my hands in banana leaves? Oh.

Oh. So I wrap my – so here's how I go. I go, I wrap my – I go, give me some banana leaves. Let me wrap my buttery and margarine-y hands up in these big leaves. One second. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands.

Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands.

Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands.

Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands.

Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands.

Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands.

Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. Banana hands. banana hands. banana hands. banana hands. banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana hands. and banana, don't, don't. So I go, Charlene, give me your biggest Nana leaves, and let me wrap them around my old buttery paws. I thought I was never going to laugh again. It's nice. Honestly, Hayes, and just a quick break, this does feel cathartic. So thank you for this note because it's a great note,

and it feels good to say this. I feel like I'm glad that I didn't cut my mouth off. It's the humanity, you know, that is present here that I didn't think we were going to see anymore. Yeah. So anyway, I wrap up my buttery pause with these big nana leaves and I go, Charlene, what do you think? And she just, I guess maybe she eats – she starts eating the leaf.

She eats my hands off. She eats my hands off. And I go, this is fun. Yeah, and you go talk about finger sandwiches. Exactly. Talk about finger food. Yeah. Exactly.

I go talk about finger food. Talk about finger food. So good. Yeah. So good. Yeah. But – So that's going to plug right in. I think so. so good yeah so good yeah but so

so that's gonna that's gonna plug right in I think so so hey guys Chef Kevin here oh hey Chef hey guys

Sean Hayes is it okay if I may be like tell the show Chef Kevin can you just be quiet for one minute just for one quick second you got it

I'm worried I'm gonna lose you guys I'm in bands and I am One quick second. You got it. I'm worried I'm going to lose you guys. I'm in Banff. And I am, I'm here doing a documentary. Oh, cool. It is a vacation, but I'm doing a documentary as well on the last white Inuit. Oh, very cool. And so I'm out, you know, I'm like really exploring the beach to find someone like this or at least like a costume that I can wear so I can do it. So if I do lose you, that is why.

Just know that it is for like a smart, brave reason. Okay. I have a lot of respect for that. I do want to pivot a little bit and just say I don't think it will surprise any of you to hear that I've had a lot of trouble making love since we got the news. Yeah. No big surprise. I don't think that's shocking. And in addition also having sex and fucking.

All three are – it's hard now basically non-star I mean I actually haven't even tried just because I've been so discouraged by the first three that basically since I heard about B99 first three that basically since i heard about uh b99 uh that my nine inch b has been uh

basically going back in the old groundhog hole saw his shadow you know and uh there's going to be at least six more weeks of winter um so i did think it could be cool for us to talk about like any tricks because I'm sure we're not the only ones going through this. You know, and this is just first idea. The erotic side. Yeah. Just one idea. Blooper reels.

Old B99 blooper reels. And just watching the gang that we love. Without the stories and without the cases, which obviously are part of what made it great. Of course. But beyond that was just that these people – it is a family. And you could tell offscreen it's a family. And that's what we miss as much as the plots and the characters and the stories and the antagonists and the protagonistists, we love the feeling of it and we love the written jokes and all that stuff. But what about when somebody make an accident?

Make a whoops or make an accident. And it reminds you that there are mistakes even with some of the greatest people in the world. And so, yes, maybe what happens is maybe Fox made a mistake or maybe hopefully the news made a mistake. And they are saying, and I say a strategy that I have been a strategy I've been considering to kind of lift myself out of this. I, um, have not seen the show.

It, it was something I had always like been wanting to check out, but had never like made it to the top of the list. It's always like three or four on the list. Right. Not even the Halloween episodes. That was the time it would be like number two on the list. But then they're like,

you know, there are other Halloween episodes out there. So, my idea is I go and watch the show and I'm laughing at enjoying the show and I'm

horny again. All these things are starting to happen and it can be like it was on TV except this time I am like really watching it. Wow. And not like pretending to. Huh. Now, you spoke about horniness.

Adam, your last name is Lustick. Do you think that's because like your grandma was very horny or something? She was a horny woman. Both my grandmothers were horny women. Because Lustick is really just fancy horniness. It's just fancy. You're sort of wielding a lust stick as well. That's right.

I never phrase it like that, but that is funny. That is very funny. Yeah, and when you were talking about those two butter sticks being lightsabers, I almost was thinking, yeah, that why not you hold your lust stick as a lightsaber. That's also really great. I feel like you guys are giving me the business, but this is what I need right now. And this is the kind of guff I love to take just right now when I'm feeling low. Well, you remember some of the guys around the precinct used to give each other a pretty tough time.

That's right. And there was some chop busting going on. That's right. But you knew that it came from a place of affection. Good place. And that's what I feel is happening here. It's happening here too. Even when Ken Marino is the kind of dumb guy.

Yeah. Who was stupid. Would come in and not really know anything. Know stuff or be dumb. And be the big chief's son or something. Yeah. So you have to keep him around. Exactly.

They also would go, he's nice. Yeah. You know. You could still, there's an inner mensch that kind of comes out. I don't know. This isn't my show. I'm not one to pivot on another another man's podcast but

are you finding that way what is the white Inuit community in Banff like Hayes and I don't know how are they taking the news that's good hosting

I just maybe you guys do this no no he's hosting the shit out of this fucking thing no Sean

no no I am a humble guest we lost we lost we lost oh shoot I'm trying not to freak out No. I am a humble guest. We lost. We lost. Oh, shoot. I'm trying not to freak out.

Sorry. It's just added to the list. Fucking shit list. Shitty day. Yeah. Just a shitty day top to bottom. Okay. I hope he's okay.

Yeah. Well. Hey, guys. Chef Kevin here. Oh, yeah. Is it okay? Maybe if I could say a story that would. Shut up for a second.

Yeah. Okay. We don't have Hayes. Yeah. But that doesn't mean that we don't have Hayes' spirit. That's right. And in the same way that we don't have Brooklyn Nine-Nine, but we still have those stories. Definitely.

I'd like to talk a little bit about where I was when I first heard that Hayes had lost service. Great. I'll never forget. It was me and some people may not know this about me. I love Mediterranean food. Yeah. I was digging around in my pockets for hopefully some lentils or anything that might be in there. Just a loose lentil.

That I could kind of eat because I was feeling very weak from doing very long podcasts. Extra garlic sauce. Garlic sauce. Just carry that around. Even what's the hot? Oh, like hot. Tzatziki. I know we're not going to say it. But it's not, yes, but it's got this pepper to it.

It's pepper. And so I'm looking for peppered lentils. Yeah. And as I'm doing that, I'm also sort of pretending to listen to the other people in the room because it's a podcast. And I'm thinking of what I could maybe say, you know. And I remember

Adam kind of started just stomping on my whole shit. Just going like, I'm going to ask a good question. Shows I was listening to Hayes. I didn't even hear what Hayes was saying and embarrassing me. And then Brett turned to me and he looked at me with that Brett look. And I think you know the one.

And he said – he held up a phone like – and goes, we don't have them. Now, we were originally supposed to take a bunch of phone calls. Did we get any other calls? Yeah, there's one right now. It just came in. Hey, guys, Jeff Kevin here. What? What the hell?

It's me. I figured this is the only way that I could, like, talk to you guys. Well, we don't have the technology to hang up. So, unfortunately, unless you lose service, I am going to have to listen to what you say. Perfect. I am going to have to listen to what you say Perfect Well

Do you know how like Like I went on that date And we saw We saw Brett's show Yeah Well No wait what? Yeah

I went on a date with someone And we saw We saw Brett's band play. We never talked about this. Okay, well. We went on the date. Are you thinking of Who Charted? No.

Your favorite show that you plug? Kevin kept trying to call me while I was on stage. Kevin's really trying to make WhoCharted happen. He wanted me to leave a voicemail message for his date while I was playing. Okay. You never returned my calls, too, which I would have appreciated. Well, go ahead, Kevin. I don't have time for this.

You went on a second date? What the fuck? Yeah, so You went on a second date? What the fuck? Yeah, so we went on a second date. What happened? It was going very... Please don't tell me something that you did physically with another person. That is not appropriate for this show. No, I'm

having performance issues after I heard about B99. So there was nothing really happening there. Well, that's nothing to make fun of there. That's as human as it gets. Go ahead. So the day was going really well, and then she politely said, I don't know how to bring this up, but I Googled you today.

And I went, oh, God. I said that out loud. And she said, yeah, and the first things that came up were creep and pervy weasel. And I said, oh, okay, well, I can explain that. I work on this podcast, and that's kind of like've seen that they've said so much that it's like i guess it now comes up when you google me and she said yeah i saw it at work and all my co-workers were like oh my god you should you should absolutely not go on another date with this guy and she was like well i think it's like for a podcast or something. And that almost made it worse.

I think they like didn't like they're like, oh, God, he's in podcasting. So I just wanted to like, you know, make you feel better that, you know, that your sort of about the duality of all things in nature where on the one hand uh here's this girl who you like who you were getting along with you were on a date with where you maybe saw a future and it was horribly impacted by her googling your name and her co-workers being like don't go near him. But on the other hand, I believe you have sold almost a dozen aprons now with your face on them that if you were not involved in this podcast, you would have had no aprons sold. Zero.

Zero. And so, you know, there are a lot of women out there. Yep. I think Adam can attest to that. Charlene over at Fred 62. There's so many. At Fred 62, yeah. Yeah, Fred 62, yes.

And there are only so many sort of special aprons. Yeah. There's going to be women until the end of time, but a good apron is almost like a diamond in the rough. There's only a handful of guys who've ever been on an apron. It's Paul Perdomo. Yeah. Emeril. That's right.

And then – Maybe Paul Sorvino. Maybe me. And you. So, you know, I guess it's easy to focus right now on the negative side of your romantic life. Your relationship is being negatively impacted. And you've got to feel like moving forward, this is going to just keep happening all the time. Yeah.

Google's not going away. Yeah. It feels unhappening. And so I think that obviously that is sort of scary. But is it as scary as never being on an apron? You know, I got to say, I know which one I'd take. I'm just curious here. Do you know if the Bing results are the same?

Have you tried Bing? The Bing results are worse. Oh. Uh-huh. And I'm lucky she didn't look at Bing. That was the first thing I said. Google or Bing? And she said Google, and I said, thank God.

Thank God, yeah. That's a relief. But that's not good for you because Bing is coming up. Bing is number two with a bullet, and I think they are going to probably overtake Google within the next six months. I think so too. I'd put my money where my mouth is on that one too. I got a lot – all my assets are in the game.

Like the Blue Shell and Mario Kart just coming hot. Yep. Coming in hot. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Video game. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. So we – so well, Kevin, I think this is probably the last episode of the show anyway. I think this is probably the last episode of the show anyway. Do you want to try to, as like a Hail Mary, pitch out something else to get pushed up in the Google results? I know we did MMA, which I think made you seem pretty tough. I think MMA in retrospect made things worse because now I think people are afraid of me. Like in a way that like it's unapproachable, you know?

Sure, yeah. And a creep who knows MMA is so much more intimidating than just sort of a pervy weasel. That's true. Yeah. It is kind of a triple threat though. Yeah. If I could push anything anything maybe it would be like kevin bartell friend or kevin bartell good good guy normal kevin bartell misunderstanding yeah

yeah kevin bartell apron oh apron's a great idea yeah that yes that's kind of doing double duty for you because it's ideally pushing down creep and bringing up the apron sales. Exactly right. Yeah. Well, I am sorry that you did that. So what now? Well, Brett, how long has it been? Is that the song?

Do I do the song? No, no, no. It's been like, God, it feels like forever since I heard the news. And given where I've been in like an hour. Yeah, an hour. Okay. Do you want to tell the story of where you were when you found out about yeah yeah uh i was on stage oh and i do this

i do this sort of move sometimes when i'm playing guitar that usually works and impresses the audience where and i'm not even gonna and I'm not even going to correct him. Normally, this is a spot where I would go, you don't really play guitar. You're just going to let it go. But for today, it's like, just I want to let you have this. I appreciate that, because I could feel that

I get this sense of like, I got to rush through this fast, because it's going to get cut off and steamrolled. Not today. Use this space. Not today. Use this space. Okay, so I do this thing where I just – Use this, Brett. Thanks. Thanks, Chef Kevin.

Yeah, I'm cutting you off right now. Okay. We are able to do that. Yes. We've gotten a button now where we can get rid of you. I just bang my fist on the call. But so, yeah, you know, I just pick up my of you. I just bang my fist on the call. I just pick up my right hand and I just start playing with my left hand

like these sweet legato kind of runs. Hell yeah. Like in harmonic minor or whatever. Not even touching. And then with my right hand as I'm playing I make it look really hard but it's actually really easy. I pick up my phone and I start checking it like I'm bored.

Your phone like it? Like I'm just so bored while I'm soloing. Right, while you're – yes, there's this amazing sound. Yeah, I love it. And they love it. It's like drinking water while you do Ventral. Right, yeah. And they're thinking, what is it being –

Like adjusting my glasses. Yeah. I don't even wear glasses, but it's like – Exactly. That's part of it. So I'm checking, and I actually am checking my DMs. Okay. And, I mean, they're just flooded.

Yeah. And I finished a solo, but I started – it's, like, embarrassing, but I kind of did, like, a freakout on stage, and I started just smashing instruments. Wow, that's pretty punk rock. Yeah, and it ended up, you know, like whipping the audience into like a frenzy. Wow. But I was really, actually really just angry.

Upset. Yeah, and I was like picking up the whole drum kit. So you accidentally did the best show you've ever done. Yeah. It's weird grief. That's what people told me, but I felt like I almost blacked out. And I woke up and I was being carried. Maybe that'll happen for me.

I mean, maybe people will think this is the best podcast I've done just because I haven't known where I am this entire time. It's so dark in here. Just operating on autopilot from like this deep place inside myself that i've never been before yeah and i know like you said you wouldn't cut me off but i'm gonna let i feel like why that was your moment sorry god what was the fucking there's a lot more good shit in there you were gonna talk about picking up the drum kit like where was i gonna go were you gonna throw the drum kit. Like where was I going to go?

Were you going to throw the drum kit, Brett? Okay. Oh, let's hear that part. No, I kind of just – That's so interesting. Regale us with the hilarious anecdote. Use this, Brett. What?

Kevin, get back in here. Get in here. Where are you? Get in here. Get up. Hang up the phone. God. How did he get in there i don't know now when you say you that you had your phone in your pocket you don't mean like um the fuck is

wrong with you how do you mean just i'm just trying to think how a phone because when i think of a phone i think of uh you pick it off the wall you put the thing up to your ear and oh yeah like in f-62 they still have that. Yeah, exactly. But you're talking about a whole different kind of phone. I just... Sorry, I'm... I'm in such a fog. I'm in such a haze.

It's okay. It's okay. It's just like I can't even make heads or tails of any of this stuff. Hang on. So it's okay. I like to put Indian food on chips, like tortilla chips. You're done. You are done for the day.

I thought this would punch up. You are done for today. Now, there's one person left in the room who we haven't heard their story of how they heard the bad news. And that is Chef Kevin. Chef Kevin, would you like to talk about where you were when it happened? Hey, guys. Chef Kevin here. Bye.

Earwolf. I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow.