Hollywood Handbook - Adam Pally, Our Bumper Recorder

Episode Date: October 24, 2016

Adam Pally joins the boys to record some promotional bumpers for the show. This episode is sponsored by Now Hear This, ZipRecruiter, and Harry's.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Yeah. And it's me, him, and it's Waluigi, and we're watching the pilot for Chunk of Bean, the ABC pilot that didn't go. Yes. Mm-hmm. You found it? Because it got misplaced. Well, that was the whole thing. They hired me.

They said, take your two best guys. To detective. And get out there and start detectiving and find this pilot because we're going to need it for the Museum of television. So I start digging in there. I'm like moving around. I finally called John Frogerty.

I go, I need somebody who has a phone because I'm like, you know, even when I find something, I don't have any way to tell anyone. And you're on foot. Yeah, and I'm on foot. And he's got that, it's not a a it's a machine that you can move in yes yes yes yes yes yes i know exactly what you're talking about you can picture it right it's got the top well it not on this particular night but i've seen it with the top before okay no then i'm then i don't know i'm lost. Okay, so then he shows up with

Waluigi, who I guess they were like... They were already hanging out. Yeah, they were already together. I guess they have like a standing thing. So I sort of interrupted. I was like, is this a date? But I don't want to ask. So anyway, we're watching Chunk and Bean.

What happened? Huh? What happened in it? In Chunk and Bean? Yes. Well, Chunk is eating all the candies. Who's Chunk? He's a little boy. Okay. And Bean's father kind of let him do whatever he wants.

Bean's Chunk's? Neighbor. Okay. And Chunk's parents are a little more overprotective. Mm-hmm. Makes me want to cry thinking about how I didn't get to watch the show. Yeah, seemed like a sure thing. Where'd you find it?

Oh, it was actually in between. Oh, well, this is actually, you're going to get a kick out of this. Have you ever been to Lamps Plus on La Brea? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, it was in between that and the ocean. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Hi, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. I'm kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways

in this industry we call showbiz. And I want to just go through this. I want to get right to it because I know I have to go. Yeah, and Adam's got to get out of here, but that's fine because this is going to be quick. We got a stupid idiot guest. I'm kidding. He's great.

It's our friend Adam Pally. He was on the show once before, and he's been saying, I know it's been three years, but he's been saying he really wants to get back on because he had so much fun. He pretended to not really like us last time, which was so funny Adam yeah and some people

thought was it real was he mad so many people talk to me are like is that serious yeah is he serious yeah to me too is that to me too funny or to both of us really serious people were scared it's so crazy my friend honestly got scared I and I honestly it was like he's that good an actor yeah I was just honest I was just doing actor. Yeah, I was just doing... Take the compliment, Adam. I was just doing a bit, you know, just joking around. But he's back in here now, and we thought, obviously, everybody's doing this.

We need to have, for our show, celebrity bumpers. Sure. Fun ways to get in and out. Everyone is doing this. What better person to do our celebrity bumpers, like here comes the commercial break, and that show was presented by Seanan Hayes, than famous actor Adam Pally,

who people thought was mad, but he actually likes us a lot. Yeah, sure. I mean, that sounds good, as long as I do have somewhere to be. No, yeah, again, he told us he didn't have a ton of time, and it I do have somewhere to be. No, yeah. Again, he told us he didn't have a ton of time. It's been so hard to schedule with him, but we'll get you in and out.

We'll get you in and out. What is the, if I may? Just a family dinner. Okay. Whose family? My entertainment family. My team. Sure, sure, sure.

A little team. That's a big team. It's a big team. I got a really big team. Yes. I've got agents. It's a big team. It's a big team. I got a really big team. Yes. I've got agents. It's a big team. Really big rings.

What is it? I need some really big rings. Oh, okay. But anyway, I got it. You know, let's get down to it. What are you getting, wings? No. I mean, maybe I'll look at the menu and see.

No, I think they're taking me to a steakhouse or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No wings there. Okay. I really, I do not. I think they're taking me to a steakhouse or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No wings there. Okay. I really do not. I'm so sorry to push you forward. Yeah, yeah, sorry. We can do it later.

We can do this later. We fall into this every time we're with you. It's so natural. The conversation just flows. But we can pick it up. Well, we've known each other a long time. But we've got to get it going. We can pick it up another time.

Yeah, and we're close. So this is going to be really easy. You'll just go like, hey, you're listening to Hollywood Handbook. I'm Adam Pally. Hope you like the show. Sure. Great. Can I ask you a question before we do?

Yeah, go ahead. Is it – this is like a meta thing that like I'm doing this while I'm also a guest on the podcast, right? I've never seen this done before. You've never seen the recording of it? No, they just play the bumper. I know everyone does it like that. I listen to a lot of podcasts. No, they all do it like this.

They bring the guy on and then the episode is about them doing the bumper. And then it just goes away because everything goes away. We pride ourselves on translucency, not quite transparency. Yes. But we want people to see how the sausage gets made. You've never really seen this before. And everyone does it.

Pardo did it. David Axelrod on Axe Files did it. All the great comedy podcasts do it. Yeah, I'll definitely... Alright, so I say this is Adam Pally. You're listening to The Hollywood Handbook with all the great comedy podcasts do it. Yeah. I'll, I'll definitely. So, all right. So I say, uh, this is Adam Pally.

You're listening to the Hollywood handbook with, um, Hayes and Sean. Yeah, kind of. I got that. Yeah. Okay.

That's good. That was really good. Thanks, Brett. Brett's here. Yeah, I'm here. Let,

show you the process. Yeah. West, the whole episode go by without Brett getting to do his little song. That's right. We didn't start. Anyway, that was really good. That was great.

Do you have anything? I have something, but I'm going to let you go first. Okay. Mine's small. Do it like you love it. Do it like you love being here. Do it like you like the show.

Maybe say something nice about Hayes, something that you like about sort of his... You want me to just give a compliment in a bumper? Like a random compliment? Well, I mean people are going to be concerned. It doesn't have to be random, just like the main one.

Whatever your main compliment is. Just because last time the takeaway was dude's mad. Maybe this time it could be like, oh dude loves it. I think that would actually be good for you too to not be just like a bad guy. No, I feel so bad about that. I feel like I'm sorry. I want to say that again uh i really i i didn't really know what the vibe of the the thing was was early on in your run

and i was i was sure and big for us in that way i'm not saying it's like that we're mad but it was a big episode for us because it was our no and you know and that's my self-worth too i was thinking like it's it's just me it's like a's like for Sean. It doesn't mean much. So I came in with that bit. But I digress. Let me – Let's get one more. You want to give us three in a row?

Can I do mine? I'm sorry. Can you do it like kind of smart? That's cool. Wouldn't that be kind of interesting? It's kind of a smart show. Do it in sort of like a smart – just in like a really intelligent way.

Our listeners, Adam, are so smart. Not like a nerd of like a smart like just in like a really intelligent way. Our listeners Adam are so smart. Not like a nerd but like you really get it. But you're like well read. You know about the news and stuff. Like a former nerd. Sure. Right. Yes. Yes. Yes. Sort of come out of his shell. Yes. You've sort of grown out of it. Yeah. Into your skin.

Let me give it a shot. Yeah. Hey you're listening to the Hollywood Handbook with Sean and Hayes, who does not look sick. That is great. I like that. I'm not sure people are going to believe that because they know you. I mean, it's not that I— It feels like what you picked was you looked at him. You were looking for someone to say, he looks very sick.

Well, I just... Right here, you know, I... We don't want you to lie about it. I'm sorry. I'm not scared. I'm not running from that anymore. Okay, if you could write something... Is there something that you want me to say about you?

Because if this is all just going to get cut... No, no, don't feel weird. No, I would feel weird. It's easier for me because sometimes compliments can be... You're so nice. That's really nice. Sometimes they go the other way, I would feel weird. It's easier for me because sometimes compliments can be- You're so nice. That's really nice. Sometimes they go the other way. Right.

One time I gave Sean a compliment. We were doing comedy a long time ago. I remember this. I was like, you're so smart when we improvise. It's almost like you have Asperger's. I know what I was saying. I know my truth, which was that I just know Sean is a good improviser and I was trying

and I was being which Sean was like got a little upset about it a long time ago so like I just want to make sure that the compliment that I'm giving you is what you want

and frankly now Adam I'm able to admit I'm maybe a little bit on the spectrum so there you go yeah it's actually kind of like a super power

and it's a lot like a super power yeah okay sure and it's freed me up in a way to not have a good personality to not make any hurt to make other people comfortable and distant and then i just go like i'm a little bit on the spectrum and the other thing i've noticed a lot of other people are on the spectrum like anybody who kind of isn't super warm towards me or seems like maybe they dislike me or don't think I'm funny, I just suddenly will realize,

oh, I think he's on the spectrum. Right. And then do you ever reach out to them and like, I'm on the spectrum too. Maybe we should go get... What I'll mostly do is tell other people, I think that guy's on the spectrum or something. You know what you should do?

The next time you should just go up to that person and say, I think you're on the spectrum. That's what I feel like being direct is always, candor is valued. And is that what you were doing at the time that you gave him the compliment? God, I don't remember. It was so long ago.

I think I was just really trying very, very hard to be nice to you. So I really can't, I don't remember at the time, but I do remember it because it was such, I remember the way that you reacted, which you like bristled. Yeah. Which, you know, at the time, I never got an apology. Well, I said thanks. Yeah, but it was like the.

Thanks, Adam. Yeah. And that's, and I know what that means. You know, that means like I'm better than that. Right. You know. But see, you being able to recognize that emotion in Sean saying it is almost like hurting Sean even more

because he doesn't pick up on that kind of stuff. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Yeah, and then I tried to give you a compliment back, which was just like, dude, you're becoming a really funny improviser. Yeah, and I said... You're starting to be really good. Yes, and I remember I laughed because I thought that you were kidding. Because obviously I was at that time, you know, already pretty good.

You're starting to really make me laugh out there, man. Thanks, Sean. Yeah. I guess you haven't seen some of my earlier stuff because that's really funny too. Let's do another take. I do have to get to this big team meeting. Yeah. What's being

yeah what's on the dock yeah what's i'm not allowed to can i talk about it yeah i mean if you yeah is that okay brett can always bleep out is it a specific project it's a specific yeah i'm laying the plans for the new year i'm not saying that like well yes these guys are i would hope that that's involved the laying out the plans for the new year, because I want to be organized with my attack. Yes, yes. But I also am up for a big, big role that has been kind of slid my way. Okay, Kevin, can you duck out just for this one part?

Just for this one part? Just leave, shut the door? Thank you. And I'm... Is that shot? And I'm debating whether or not to take it, because it's just a lot. It's a big deal for me.

It's a big role. It's a lot of stuff that I'd have to do to be ready for it. Is it James Pond, the sort of tadpole version of James Pond? No, I passed on that. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. Yeah, I think Kroll is doing that. He could really do that.

That's so good for him. I think that's Nick's next project. That's huge for him. That's exactly what he should be doing right now. Yeah. God, he would kill that. He would kill that. For me, I just thought it was...

I hope people get it. I hope people understand him as that. For me, it was just a little... It just wasn't enough. But I think for him, it'll be great. Yeah. He did the show, and he was actually so cool. Really?

So warm. Really. It was just like sort of like... Very game. It was like an effervescence. I remember I just was walking on air after that. Yeah. Well, I know.

I think that's really, that's what I love about Nick. Yeah. You know, is that the lady doth protest a little too much and you can tell, and it's kind of a bit where I'm like, kind of like, ha ha ha, you're so nice. Right. Especially for how like huge he is. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, for how, whatever he is. I mean. No, it's really big. Look. He's not really big. Well, it's like not just. We were in a movie together. Okay.

He had his own television and now off Broadway. Yeah, no, he's doing, he's doing stage, which is, you know, um,

totally like what, what people in film and television call it. Drop in the bucket. He's going to be in a Jeff Nichols movie. I think he was, I think he was. And, um,

I think that he has about five minutes of screen time. Well, which I heard he's great in. that he has about five minutes of screen time well which I heard he's great in and and but anyway I

odd they used all five minutes in the trailer yeah that must mean it's unusual that must mean the movie is not that good well I didn't realize

you were against interracial marriage I mean the movie's about people being more accepting of interracial marriage. I'm not against it. No, I love Jeff Nichols. But then you would think the movie was good. So you like Jeff Nichols, but wish that he wouldn't do a movie about this. I think it's a little bit of an apropos.

A cultural... I mean, I don't want to... It's not his story to tell. Yeah, it's not his story to tell. And certainly not Nick's acting. Well, you know, that's all neither here nor there. I don't want to It's not his story to tell Yeah It's not his story to tell I'm certainly not Next to acting Well You know That's all neither here nor there Do you need some more water?

I do now actually I just realized that I was out Okay Kevin Kevin Oh Oh gosh Wow

That blasted Just a quick water And then Just back out Would be great Yeah quick water For Adam It's already on the table. It's just a pour.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Was that the first time you ever asked him to get water before? Because he looked shocked. He left the room. It is the first time. It was almost like the first time he'd ever heard of water. From his face?

Did you see his face? I guess maybe he was shocked that anyone would ask them to pour it for him when it was sitting right there. Well, what makes me nervous is he won the aliens from signs and he was going to go put on a special suit so that he could make sure the water doesn't touch him because he's going to get disintegrated into smoke from it. Yeah, it's probably that. Well, we have to wonder, right? Yeah, you always have to have something like that on the table. First thing is, okay, I'll leave the room, and I know he keeps a special suit out there

because I've seen how big his bag is. The pouring is whatever we need. We're trying to figure out for you what the right combination is to sort of get a good bumper. Let me do another take. Let me do another take because I do have to run. And on this one, maybe it'swood handbook is a wolf cool production brought to you by hazy bone and the clem dog uh also produced by scott anchorman it's a lot to

remember if there's any way that we could write this down even just uh bullet points would be great we don't want it to feel stale is the only problem it can't do your you can do your take on it like keep like the the the must says like the core elements but It can't be over rehearsed. You can do your take on it. Okay. Keep the must-says, the core elements, but you can do your own thing. Oh, yeah. Bring your own. If I can just get back

to my original note, you might have misunderstood what I was saying. Don't do a dumb guy who's pretending to be smart. You know what I mean? It's funny. Is that what I was doing,

you think? Well, I mean, a little bit of like... A little bit of it, yeah. Just imagining what a smart person would be like. Okay. This time, imagining what a smart person would be like. Okay. But this time do like an actual smart person.

That's a great note. That's a good note. Yeah. Okay. All right. Good note. All right. Here we go.

You're listening to The Hollywood Handbook, which is a Wolf Cool production brought to you by Hazy Bone. And the Clem Dog. And the Clem Dog. I thought you were kidding about that. Is that a real thing? Wait, just Haze? Well, I know that.

I thought Hazybone was both you guys' things. When you referred yourself as Clem Dog, I just thought that you was being like, I'm so stupid. Like dog, Clem Dog. It just, I didn't think it was real. I'll do it again. You think Clem Dog is kind of a stale nickname?

Oh, I didn't think. I didn't think that you could actually hear me when I was talking to him just now. Because I love it. I'm sorry. Okay. So you were trying to keep that information from me? I wasn't trying to. I was shocked that you heard it. Okay.

I'm sorry. Let me go again. I just didn't even think about it. Do you need more time? No, actually. To sort of lead up to it? I don't need any more time. This is the perfect amount of time.

Because you said this would be quick. You said I'd be in and out. Yeah, we kind of assumed that you would. We're just trying to find it. We thought you'd be in and out because we kind of assumed you would just nail it. That was sort of our assumption going in that this would be good. And I, as an actor, want to give you what you need.

You're listening to The Hollywood Handbook. Let me not say that was my fault. You're listening to The Hollywood Handbook brought Let me not say um. That was my fault. You're listening to The Hollywood Handbook, brought to you by Hazy Bone and The Clem Dog. This is a cool— Well, now I don't like hearing it. Now I feel stupid. Yeah, I mean, it does—I'm actually starting to question it now as well. Mine, I think, is good, and maybe it looks better next to Clem Dog.

I can't. I haven't. Yeah. I've been thinking about getting something new going. All right, so give getting something new going. All right. So give me a new nickname. What is that? You just want me.

You just want. This is just. That's the moment in the bumper where you just get your nicknames out. Like morning DJs? Like Hazy Bone and the Clem Dog? Yeah. Oh. All right.

Well, there's a million things. Just pick something. What is it? Okay. Do a different. I mean, if you. Well, obviously, you don't think I'm very good at picking something because you didn't like Clem Dog

so it's like you're so smart like you go ahead and you do it no it's not that I didn't like it I didn't you thought it was a joke and now even if it was good

I can't enjoy it I thought it was a joke I mean Hazebone is a joke right that's a joke that's a funny joke right no it is supposed to be Clem Dog is supposed to be a joke

it's supposed to be fun like it's just supposed to be like I don't but that to be fun. It's just supposed to be like... It does make you laugh when you say it. I think that's the important thing is that it makes you laugh. It cracks me up. I'm sorry. Then what is the problem? I'm losing it laughing

when I say it. It's so funny. But now that Adam has me second guessing it, I'm just going like, well, you do what you're like you're liling you're losing it laughing yeah lil so all right so this is what you wanted to get into right this is the big role you've got coming up no i actually i want to get out of here like the guy who invented texting or something no okay now it feels like it's like a sort of Steve Jobs thing, but it's just the dude who put texting on the phone? I didn't come in here to do it.

Or BDMing. BDMing? BDMing BlackBerry Messenger. No. Aren't you going to be like that guy or something? No. The founder of Research in Motion? No.

Are you kidding me? I will tell you about the role if you want. Yeah, please. Even though it's probably going to cost me what it is. It's going to do what? It's going to cost me the role. What it is? It's going to cost me what it is.

I'll tell you about it, but it's going to cost me the part. Okay. So what it is is the part in this case. Okay. It's going to cost me what it is. No, go ahead. Please. I was just trying to figure out what you were talking about.

Well, now I got to tell you, now I got to tell you with both the gleam, I'm catching a gleam in both of your eyes, both of your Anglo-Saxon eyes, that you were so excited. And see, this again with the racial stuff. It's so excited. So excited for me to have a little bit of a fuck up

because the two little tiger sharks in the water can pounce on the guppy. Let me tell you both something. I came down here as a fucking favor to say thank you and I'm sorry. Okay? I was appreciative that you had me on. What was the thank you for? For having me on the first place.

And I'm saying I'm sorry. It's done pretty well for you, hasn't it? Honestly, I don't know. Because after I did it, I haven't registered it again until one person on a Reddit said something to me like, do you really hate those guys? And I was like, honestly, I couldn't remember what they were talking about. I see.

But you remember that, so your memory is obviously so good. Because I've read that. I read it and see, and I know you're, you are funny and are funny. Yeah. It's not something that you have to prove. You don't have to prove that to me delivering.

Uh, so you remember this, like one specific comment from like, what is it? Like five years ago or whatever? I don't know. But you didn't remember at the time this whole 90-minute show that you did? I read that, and I was like, that's BS. This feels oddly like that Nancy O'Dell tape where she got called in the radio station and then attacked.

It feels like you called me in here to do your bumpers, and now you got the Jew up against the wall. So let's go it's always and i don't even know that you are that like i honestly look at you and i don't even i'm not denying that that's your thing or whatever my thing i'm just saying i look at you and i don't even think it's definitely a big part of your brand you look distinctly that question is the way guys you're pushing that on me. I'm just saying I'm not looking at you. The way you look at us and say, like, this is their race,

and that's how I'm going to observe them, and the way you look at the two people who love each other trying to get married in the movie. Your name is Hayes MacArthur. Okay, and that is a very common misconception that I will let stand because I think he's very talented, And that's a compliment to me. Oh, that's not your name? That's a compliment to me.

Oh, I'm sorry. That people mistake me for Hayes McArthur sometimes, Clay. Oh, now I feel bad. Sorry, my headphones. Yeah. And Sean, I really like... Uh-huh. I don't get it, man.

We could have just not had... We could have just all gone away. McArthur knows what I'm talking about all gone away we could have just never gone back kill ourselves? I apologize for being a dick to you on the podcast and then it could have been just over he's trying to trick me into doing a suicide

please can I say something? I think you're suicidal if that's what you're just because one race is doing better than another doesn't mean you can't be racist against the one that's technically currently winning i'll just tell you i don't understand what you just what doesn't bother me about the hayes mcarthur thing and how i actually really do love it is i once once at mosaic for a meeting with somebody and somebody came in and said what stillman's manager wants to

meet you and that was exciting for me. And then it turned out he had mistaken me for Hayes Hargrove, Kristen Wiig's ex-husband, and we did end up having to go through the entire meeting anyway because he wanted to be nice. But I think that's great. Are you telling me that you're not the guy on television? You're not the dude on

Andrew Tribeca? Okay, on television is kind of a... You're not the guy that TBS is running in bulk? I guess that's technically true. Are you that guy? No, I'm not. But see, if you're not that guy, I don't know why I would have come.

I thought for sure that that season was going to be a third season, and if I was nice to you, I would be like a good thing. That could be good for you where you're sort of a forced binge. Yeah. What?

TBS. They're forced binging you. Oh, yeah. You think that would be good for me? Yeah, made people watch 12 hours of you instead of whatever it is now, zero, I guess. Zero. Yeah. Cool.

Hollywood handbook. I really, let's get the. Let's do a quick bumper. Let's do a quick bumper. Let's do... All right, here comes some... Let's take a quick break, and we're bringing you some more ads from Hollywood Handbook.

Can I just do mine? I just have one little note? Yeah, please. Let's go one way or the other. All your notes are not not little let's go one way or the other with the gum where you're like either really doing it as like a cool character or something or it's gone because the way it is now is kind of like a half step make a choice is what i'm saying that would help me can i just do one other thing what's your what's like a book that you love can ask you, who taught you to give notes by going, can I do one other thing? I'm asking Sean.

Like I'm a fucking chess piece. I'm asking Sean. That you're going to decorate and then move around a board. He's asking me. That's even worse. You're talking to him in front of me as if you need permission to talk to me. I don't want to step on his note. If he has a note, I want him to have a chance to talk to me.

I might have the opposite note. This is not like the fucking Wachowski brothers. We're on a fucking podcast. Excuse me. Whoa. Whoa. What was that movement? Did youachowski brothers. We're on a fucking podcast. Excuse me. Whoa. Whoa. What was that movement? Did you just try to take off your headphone?

Hold on. I mean, I wish I could have done it before I heard that. One brother, one sister. That's actually not true either. Was that what you were upset about? Huh? You both got upset when I said that because of that reason. Please.

Yeah, I, yes, called me old-fashioned. I think that people should be chosen using the gender nomenclature that they prefer. And so the Wachowski sisters, they're both. Do you know about this? What? Why are you hiding from this? I'm not hiding about it. I know that one. I know that one.

Get over it. Dude, grow up. I'm sorry. Now I apologize to the Wachowski brothers. If the Wachowski sisters have a podcast, i will go on it and do your bumpers i'm sorry look i'm old i'm out of touch i'll admit it i'm the first guy to tell you i don't know what's going on right but we're trying adam but at least i'm trying um okay why don't why don't you want to say what your favorite book is? My favorite book? Just a favorite book of yours.

A book you like. I like In the Bad Guys 1. What's that? Why can't you just... Why does it have to be like some obscure book? Some like badass thing. It's not obscure. I'm so fucking raw, dude.

I like When the Bad Guys Win. It's a story about the 86 Mets obscure. I'm so fucking raw, dude. I like when the bad guys win. It's a story about the 86 Mets winning the World Series. Oh. Oh. Okay. Well, then I am actually looking for a smarter book than that. Just like a book. I just want to get you into a place of like a book reader.

The only baseball book it could be is Moneyball. Yeah. Because that's actually math. That's a smart baseball book. I've read Moneyball. Okay. Okay. Is it something you got? Yeah, I think I actually math. That's a smart baseball book. I've read Moneyball. Okay. Okay. Is it something you got?

Yeah, I think I got it. Okay. Okay. Explain it to me. I just want to... Really? You really want me to explain it to you? I'm trying to put you in...

Well, I think... You really want me to explain Moneyball to you? Walk Hayes through it, and he'll tell me to tell you if you're right. Why? We're in the same room. Because this is how you make a show. You involve each other. I guess this is like a super Cliff Notes version of it,

but Billy Bean... But you did read the actual book. Yeah. Okay. Billy Bean, who is a general manager, former baseball player, came up with a way to look at statistics and put different values on them.

Chunk and bean. Why did you just say chunk and bean? Were you just thinking about it? Billy bean. Billy bean brought you to chunk and bean. It's sort of an is there something there. What does that mean? We'll cut it out.

Is this a thing? What we do when Sean makes a joke on the show, often he kind of finds his way there out loud, and we cut that part out. Yeah, we'll wind up editing to the final joke. So it makes it seem like he came up with it really fast, but that's the beginning of the yellow brick road, basically. It seems like a lot of work.

Do you want to keep going? Do you want to finish it? Right now? Okay, so Chunk of Bean, Billy Bean, Billy Bean, general manager of the athletics. Chunk is un, Billy Bean. Billy Bean, general manager of the athletics. Chunk is unathletic. So, then Tejada. And we can keep, wait, you said, like, find statistics and put different values on them?

Do you want me to keep talking to you while he's, like, in, like, a weird, beautiful mind haze? Yeah, we don't need to. There's a song in that movie that... Was that a shot at me? I just want to make sure. Haze? Yeah. No, like a haze.

Okay. It's just kind of a weird phrase. It's not the most expected phrase. You know what I mean? So when you say beautiful mind haze, it makes me think that what you think of it. I'm like crazy or something. It's very hard to talk to.

He's making eye contact with me. Yeah, well, he's finding the, he's drawing from you. You should actually be complimented because that means that he thinks that you're sort of being a muse for him right now. It's very odd. It's like watching someone have a seizure but not being able to help them. Right. You can help if you want. He would actually love it.

Just help him find that joke I don't know what the it's about something with like Chunk and Bean and Billy Bean like you know obviously there's something there

yeah obviously Beanie Baby like yes great I think he's just saying things that have similar sounding

well right now because we haven't gone to the joke yet anyway I just want to come back to what you said. You said that he finds statistics and puts different values on them. Yes, he values them differently than the rest of the league. Okay.

Such as walks or on base percentage. Yeah. And so then he accumulates those stats and tries to find players that maybe aren't as valued throughout the league and then trades for them and effectively is able to put out a team on par with the higher-paid, higher-salary organizations. See, you're a smart guy. Billy Beeney, baby. This is what I'm trying to get at with you. You are a smart person.

The way you can explain that. You understand stuff. Oh, sorry. I stepped on the joke. No, no, no, no, no. I'm still getting there. It's going to be pretty good, I think. Yeah.

If the time it takes you to come up with it. And now we'll just surprise you with one. Just give us a quick Hollywood handbook. Go, go, now. Just go. Just don't even think about anything when up with it. And now we'll just surprise you with one. Just give us a quick Hollywood handbook. Go, go, now. And just go. Just don't even think about anything when you do it. You're listening to the Hollywood Handbook with Sean something and Hayes MacArthur. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. I think you know that it is the Hollywood Handbook. Yeah. Is that what you were upset about? I think that you know that. Okay. It's produced by Chris Bannon and Scott Ackerman. You really don't want to write all these.

There's a lot of names. There's a lot of names. It's Wolf Co-Productions produced by Scott Ackerman and Chris Bannon. You don't know Scott Ackerman. I know Scott Ackerman. There's a lot of names. It's a lot of names. How are you going to remember this name?

Just for this one, in case we want to use it. What is the tagline? Just so we get it both ways. Insiders Guide to Kicking, butting, dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Can you say that again one time? An insider's got to kicking, butting, dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz.

And just throw it in there, and if we want to use it, because that way we can always cut out of it at any point. You're listening to The Hollywood Handbook with Sean something and Hayes MacArthur, produced by Wolf Cool Productions, Chris O'Bannon and Scott Aukerman, Hollywood Handbook, where the red carpet... Yeah, yeah.

That's right. Yes. When the red carpet makes the back calls of this industry we call... That's right. Shell. Yeah. Yeah, that was right. the red carpet makes the back calls of this industry we call show. Yeah. Yeah. That was right. So we're going to have you do one more.

Guys, let's do a fun one. We'll just do a funny one. I really, I got to get out of here. Let's do a crazy one just for you. Because it's a fun show. Because I feel like we're hammering you with notes. Yes. And it's just like you're not really getting them. So let's a fun show, you know, I feel like we're hammering you with notes, you know, and just like,

you're not really getting them. So like, let's just do one. Like what's, what do you think of it as? All right. I just want you to know that I'm having that, like,

I think I'm having a panic attack right now. A brief panic attack. Thinking about interracial marriage. Okay. Uh, you're listening to the Hollywood Handbook with... I'm sorry. I forgot your names.

I'm Samantha Bee. You're listening to the Hollywood Handbook with Samantha Bee and... Jason Jones. Jason Jones. Is that how you really want... You just don't want me to tell me your names again? Just lightening it up. Just lightening it up. It feels so tense.

You're having a panic attack. I know Sean, but I don't. Is it Clements or Clements? Well, so I always said, and this is an interesting story. I'm glad you asked. I didn't. I always said Clements. And that's just how I was raised.

You know, people will say that and um when I finally did meet other people with my last name they did one of these Clements and you also have the the go you talk about the Mark Twain thing. Well, Mark Twain, if you know, he worked on a riverboat. And one thing he used to do is measure where the water was so they'd know how big of a fish could fit in there. And he'd be leaned over to the side of the boat in the hot summer days. I really have to go. I really.

Okay. It's customary when someone's telling you an interesting story to listen and then you tell a story. And I'll wrap this story up quickly enough. They had sort of a funny language twist back in those days where they wouldn't necessarily say

oh, it's two meters deep. You know? They would say, Adam, if the mark on the measuring stick... I just have to let you know that it seems like your pauses have gotten longer since you said you'd be... It's sort of an old south

inflection that he's doing. If the mark on the measuring stick, as was Mark Twain. Yes, that is not true. Samuel Clemens. I don't think that's true at all. Oh, really? Is the Mark Twain. Yes. That is not true. Samuel Clemens. I don't think that's true at all. Oh, really? Is the Mark Twain house in Connecticut? Did I go down a field trip?

Yeah, I think I did. I don't... Okay, so now we're back in a place of being the guy we were before. We were talking about the books and stuff. We were like a smart guy a second ago. Look, I just... Now we barely know who Mark Twain is.

I feel... I'm having a panic attack. We're challenging a guy who's telling a story about Mark Twain, obviously is like well read on this subject. The frogs having a jumping contest, putting head Wilson and those amazing twins. He does not know what you're talking about. He does not, he does not know about this stuff.

Oh my God. Okay. So do you want me to just do a real one without like the fake names? Yes. And just do it. When he is done. Fun and funny after we're done with the story. Oh, really? Are you serious?

Because this seems like a story that is just like the payoff will not be worth the time that it takes to tell it. So let's say Mark on the measuring tool, when he put the water down and found bottom, which actually reminds me of another joke about two guys peeing off a bridge. Do you know this one?

Hmm? The joke about the guys peeing off the bridge. No. Don't look it up in your phone. If that's what you're doing in your phone is looking up the joke. Don't step on it. Yeah, I know it. I'm going to tell it better than you can read it. I'm not looking it up on my phone. I'm texting the people I was supposed to meet dinner with,

and I'm going to be a little late. Great, thank you. Okay, that's very nice. So let's say, for example, what's a number that the measuring stick might come up as? I'm sorry. I'm just worried that don't tell them this joke later like it was your joke. I just heard that this is something that you do.

I'm just getting ahead of it. I'm just getting ahead of it because I don heard that this is something that you do. I'm not. I'm just getting ahead of it. I'm just getting ahead of it because I don't know if you think that it's. Kroll talked a little bit about this. I don't know if you think that it's okay. You might think that it's just a normal thing to do. It might make some people upset. So I'm just saying right now, do not tell the joke.

Or the story. Yeah, or the story and be like, this is mine. Because Mark Twain's story is not a joke. It's just a really interesting story. Wait, this isn't story and be like, this is mine. Because Mark Twain's story is not a joke. It's just a really interesting story. Wait, this isn't a joke? No, this isn't. This is just a story? Yeah.

Mark Twain is a real person. I don't think so. And I really got to get out of here. Okay. You just postponed. I did not postpone. You just pushed. I did not push.

I said that I was going to be late letting them know. And it's still a ways away. So let's get your take. Let's do another take. When you said push instead of pushed, I did notice that. Good. And I understand the politics behind it. Just so you know, I know what you meant by that.

That came through loud and clear. Okay, guys. Anyway, just wrap it up up does anyone enjoy coming on here Nick Kroll for example came on and afterwards he said that it was the crushed it kill zone start to finish yes he said we were funnier than he was after right cracked us up but also

admitted how funny we were but really do you think that like when you burden a friend by asking them to come on a podcast and take time out of their life, do you think that anyone really enjoys doing this? Well, hold on, though. Hold on. No. This is basically a guilt.

This is like guilt when you have to come here. Professionally, this could be huge for you. Professionally, personally, it huge for you. Professionally, personally, it's all guilt. It's just like, you feel bad. You're like,

Oh, I should do that. Right? Like, Oh, it's a friend of mine. It's hard to say no to it. I think everyone likes it.

I'm honestly, this is, I just think you're wrong. I think when people are asked to do a podcast, I say this great opportunity for getting to get my brand out there. I will tell you that. Talk about some of the stuff that I'm doing. No one likes to do podcasts and.

No, you're wrong. Everyone hates doing stuff that I'm doing. No one likes to do podcasts. You're wrong. Everyone hates doing podcasts. I feel so bad for you. I know you don't like doing podcasts when someone asks you. I'll do them and not release them. You're like, I have my own podcast I have to fucking listen to. And now I have to go be on another one? I don't know.

I'm just a fan of comedy. I enjoy comedy. It's still fun for me after all these that's why i do it i don't know why you're in this business i still like to laugh that you can you believe this i would do this i would do this even if i weren't being paid to laugh with our friends honestly i thought you weren't being paid i can't believe you're being paid i don't know if i am or not pay for this and how does money get made because this is drivel and garbage right now i don't pay attention to that stuff because it's just

fun. Like, I honestly... The money just rolls in. Have you ever heard dance like nobody's watching? Love like you've never been hurt. The expression? Have I ever heard that expression? Yeah. Love like you've never been hurt. Yesterday's a mystery. I'm sorry, I missed that last one.

Yesterday's a mystery. Today's a present. Today's a present. Tomorrow's a gift. That's why they call it a gift. That's why they call it tomorrow. I guess I never heard that one. Okay. Yeah. You almost said, I guess I didn't heard that one. Because I didn't heard that one.

Yeah. Is this better or worse than the last episode we did together? It's worse, right? Worse for me. Is it you or us? I don't know. You are different. We've done a couple good ones in a row.

How can you tell? This feels... Because people say they love it. And the guests love it. And they want to come back. We've had so many people come back. I never want to come back here ever in my life. People finish the show and they say,

I would love to do it again. And they really mean it. They genuinely mean it when they say that. I would love... And a lot of times they say some of the other podcasts aren't fun. I think this is what you're driving at. Some of the other podcasts aren't very fun to do, but this one is. This one is good. I was not driving at that. What I was driving at was that all podcasts are bad, and this one leads it.

What other ones have you done? I can't even remember. Didn't you do Comedy Bang Bang? Yeah. You didn't want to do that. I hated it. Oh, wow. Every second of it.

And I hate this just as much, if not more. Comedy Bang Bang? Yeah. I hate doing Comedy Bang Bang. But they play those games. I hate doing those fucking games. I can't freestyle rap. I don't like doing any podcast.

Is it because none of yours have really become classics, really? Some people talk about it all the time. I know Sandberg, for example, did one. I was on that one. Are you serious? Yeah, I was. I would say they have become classics. Let me tell you something. I hated every second of doing that. This is worse. I am so sorry

for bringing that up. This is worse? I feel trapped in a room with microphones with white people who are super anti-Semitic, I can tell. Let's take... I take issue with a lot of what you're saying. I'm so sorry for bringing up the Andy Samberg thing because people talk about that

episode all the time and I had no idea. I didn't know you were any part of it. I thought you had nothing to do with it. Are you sure? You could have paid me. You know the similarities and you knew the similarities. And you know that we probably have gone up for some similar stuff. Why? Whatever.

That makes no sense to me. And you knew it would be a trigger thing. And you said it. So let me tell you, that sucked. This sucks. This whole building sucks. Hang on. I fucking hate Earwolf.

Let me ask you a question. How does this place make fucking money? These little fucking young fucks are conned into coming here, painting. Oh, I got a sneaker. Oh, put my sneaker on the wall. We actually each have our own sneaker. Oh, you do? How would you tell them apart?

They're just two blonde white dudes. You should just share a one has more stubble like and one it's just it's garbage it's a whole garbage fucking industry i don't understand how any of it works i don't understand how how how you could enjoy you two are good writers you paid really like top of the line you you do this for fun that's crazy you you're married do you say we're paid top of the line no i i wasn't being like oh i would why what forget no i just want to hear what you're saying yeah i'm married stand you i'm married i don't understand how this could be what do you want to talk about you want to talk about my wife stephy graph you're married to stephy graph yeah is that real? Yeah.

She won a Wimbledon or two. Yeah, I know who she is. So she knows a thing or two about being a champion, about showing up every day and putting the work in. That the results come from keeping your chops up. Is that what this is?

So you think, for example, like Hannibal Buress is doing an Earwolf show now. You think that i don't know why that sounds like that you don't get his comedy yeah no i get his whoa no i you don't know his show why no i get his comedy you don't know for me it's not my favorite comic i don't think i think he's like overrated but i adam p, of all the things you said, there's one thing I really have to take issue with.

Anyone can freestyle rap. I don't even remember what you're talking about. Do a little. Just show him. You were saying that you hate being on Comedy Bang Bang because you don't like the games and you can't freestyle rap. But come on, man.

Don't sell yourself short. Here. I'll do a little. One and two and here we go. Going to freestyle rap with the flow. And starting it now. Going to start in three, two, one. Here it comes.

Going to rap soon. Start the beat up, slow it down. Gonna be a slow rap. And then I would just lay some lyrics on it. It's funny. I don't know what, I don't know what. I don't know what is... I don't know what... I don't know...

What do you like if you don't like this stuff? Yeah, what do you like, man? Tell me what you're into. I'll make the podcast feel like that. I'm not into anything. I really am not. I really am not into much. No wonder.

Okay, let me do another take, and then I'll get out of your hair. Remember the commercial where the guy's walking around sad it's raining on him? Yeah, because he's just got the cloud, and it's only on his head. Remind you of anybody? Yes. I think it's a cold medicine commercial. Okay. And he has a cold. What are you getting at?

Nothing That's a conversation The sick thing? Cause Hayes is sick I said Yes I look extra sick tonight I know I told you I'm not ashamed of this

First of all I said you don't look sick You said it cause you noticed how sick he looks No I said he looked healthier from what everyone's been telling me. I thought he looked healthy. Do the fucking bumper, Adam. Why are you mad at me? Because hurt people hurt people. Hurt people hurt people.

That's very pathetic. Do you not get it? No, I get it. Okay. The way you said it back, it was like you didn't get it. No, I was trying it for the first time together. Let's not make a meal of this one okay make it like

it's a bumper make it like the show's the star of the bumper rather than you you're listening to the Hollywood Handbook with Sean and Hayes that's really good

yeah yeah we can use that one are you sure that sounded like my worst one I really didn can use that one. Are you sure? That sounded like my worst one. I really didn't love that one. Oh, you want it back? I mean, I don't care.

If we use one of these, we'll use that one. Let's do one for you. If you use one of these? If we end up doing... We're waiting to see what happens with your stuff. What? My stuff? Just in terms of whether it's going to be worth using.

I mean, you're not the only person who's recording these. You told me you wanted me to come in and record your bumpers. Yeah. That implies that you said, we need a celebrity guest to do our bumpers. You didn't say, we need you to come in and be one of the celebrity guests on our bumpers.

Okay. Oh. No, what do you mean, oh, okay, oh? celebrity guests on our bumpers. Okay. Oh. No, what do you mean? Oh, okay. Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean, you... It's not all one or the other. It's like...

Yeah. Yeah, it is. You deceived me. You made it seem like I was coming in here... You're doing bumpers. We said... Well, we had you do a couple. You know, we're going to have engineer Brett do a couple.

You're going to have Brett do them? Spreading our chips around the table. Just have him do all of them. That's really funny. Why am I them? Just have him do all of them. Why am I here? Just have him do all of them. That's a really talented guy. You brought me in here so you could berate me because you thought I was a dick to you last time and now I feel like I was right to be a dick to you last time

and it wasn't a bit. And none of this was a bit. Handlebursts is fucking overrated. All podcasts suck. Anything else you want to throw at me? I'm just trying to explain my thinking Here like you know you're a gambling Man you don't go to Vegas and just put all your money On one number

You put a little on the Adam Pally number you put a bunch On the Brett number Ghostbusters Did you like that new Ghostbusters You said celebrity I thought the script was shitty Oh wow I thought the script was shitty I thought, wow. I thought the script was shitty. I thought that the actors elevated good material, but whatever.

Elevated good material? I don't know who wrote it. I don't care. Look. Hey. This guy. This guy. His name's Brett.

I don't care. You told me that I was going to be a celebrity. Excuse me? It's because I'm a fourth Jewish. You say this guy. Yeah. So you work with him? I get that, too. All right. It's because I'm a fourth Jewish. You say this guy. Yeah. So you work with... I get that, too.

All right. It doesn't matter. No, it doesn't. It was a con. You conned me into being here. I fell for it because, obviously, I'm needy, and you said celebrity. You referred to me as a celebrity, and I liked that, so I showed up to do your bumpers, and now it has basically been an hour of me getting shit thrown in my face.

So, bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby. That was a hate gun podcast.