Hollywood Handbook - Agata, Gabe, July, Our Close Employees

Episode Date: November 30, 2015

Hayes and Sean start off with a timely chat about Thanksgiving, including some common misconceptions about the holiday. Then, Agata Monica, Gabe Danon, and July Diaz from Trends with Benefits are on the show to pitch shows for the launch of the new network WolfCool Jr., shows for babies.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, it's me, Tate George, Scotty Burrell, Alex Ariake, Jake Boskell, just the boys, you know. Josh Boone, was he there? The Boone! Boondocks. So we're kicking it, just straight kicking it, having fun, you know, ride boat ride. Everybody's just fucking cutting loose, and it's one of those times that you get to just be yourself, and it's not all about who's best at shooting it.

and it's not all about who's best at shooting it. So we're at Lake Kwasi and we're on the big pirate ship that goes so far to one side. You almost think it's going to go all the way. Almost feel like it's going to flip all the way. I heard it did. It has. It has. It has done it.

It got stuck up there. Because they have to keep it so loose in order to make it feel scary. Yeah, I heard it there. That it actually could go all the way over if people weighs too much on one side. And so that's why I'm always leaning forward to be safe. But so Alex is getting scared and Tate's trying to calm him down. And Burrell, always the trouble starter, is really like building Alex up. Like, you're going to tip.

You're going to tip. You're going to tip. And I'm going, we're not going to tip if we stay lean forward like what I said. So finally, Alex gets so scared and he gets so tense that he squeezed his frosty milkshake. Oh, no. Squeeze his frosty milkshake. Oh, no. And it shoot out right at the time that the boa is going upside down.

And it hit a lady in the face with the frosty milkshake. Not a frosty milkshake. And it looked so funny. But then she started choking. On the cold milkshake. Uh-huh. I bet she got brain freeze as well. Oh, yes, and worse. And she wasn't breathing for six or seven minutes.

That could give you the worst brain freeze of all. Brutal. Hi. Hi. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? People have been saying they've been getting lost when I do it too fast. They say at home, they say, wait a second, hold up?

Yeah. It's some kind of book? And people also have been saying that they don't understand that the what up, what up is being said by a demon who haunts the podcast, you know? People have really not been. And so that's why. That element of the mythology has really been going over people's heads. Completely fallen by the wayside, yeah. And we used to talk about it so much and go back and listen by Howell.

So go ahead. What are you going to say? Well, I just sort of thought it was obvious. I didn't think it was something we had to talk about. No, we wouldn't be doing this of our own free will. We only do it because a demon forces us and why else would we be here? No one listens and we don't appear to even really enjoy what we're doing half the time, just grasping around. I feel like Mr. Bean when he went out with no clothes on out of his hotel room and then got locked out and is running around covering, put an exit sign on his rear end and an out of order sign on his wee wee.

I feel like Mr. Bean, when he was trying to put stuffing in the turkey, love stuffing, more and more stuffing, can't have enough, getting very greedy with the stuffing went so far inside head stuck but that's actually a good segue to thanksgiving yeah i want to talk about a lot of other people did their thanksgiving podcast the week before it happened yeah we like to do it after cut through the noise to talk about the stuff that no one else would talk about, like turkey make you sleepy and the science behind that. If we wear a red shirt on the day everyone has a red shirt on, you don't see us. But if we wait a week until they got the green shirt on, boom, we show up in red.

It's like, wait a second, what the fuck is these guys doing? I got to pay attention. And you do got to pay attention. Because the truth is that we talk about Thanksgiving haze and this day that's supposed to be so special. It's great, right? Everyone sit. Oh, yeah.

Eat the food. Watch football. Go America. And it's a lie, and the story's a lie. And as one Native American, it's not Thanksgiving. It's actually thanks-taking and no Thanksgiving. It's not Thanksgiving. It's actually thanks taking and no Thanksgiving. And that's what America, I'm glad my mommy and daddy gave me all the stuff, the linen sheets. Because that's what people say it is.

Yes. They say it's a bunch of white people cooking turkey. This is a story. And they're glad that mommy and daddy give them all the stuff and the linen sheets. Yes. And that's what Hallmark would have you believe. And I'm sorry. That's not exactly what happened.

There are a lot of, and you've told me this many times, because it's your duty to pass along the oral tradition because you're not allowed to write anything down. And I'm thankful for this platform. I could write it down because I have the gifts of the white man as well. But you choose not to because it's against the rules. Well, we don't see that as a necessary piece of communication. Because also, if you saw Invention of Lying, you know that white man invented lying. And God was the first lie. Yes.

And that God was the first lie. And if God didn't exist, we'd have to invent him, Voltaire said. So when you watch Invention of Lying, what you'll notice is there is not a lot of Native American chiefs in their headdress lying. Those guys would be honest. There's a reason they're not in them. You wouldn't come and say, oh, there's a bear over there, and then there isn't one. Yeah. Because then you'd be in trouble.

And so we would communicate only through oral tradition. And that is because we are saying the truth. And what I'm thankful for today is this platform where I can be oral, and it does get recorded written down in a way to the listeners. So let's talk about some of the myths where, for example, people say pilgrims come over on the boat, and that it was like a pretty good ratio guys and girls and it was a sausage fest it was hard sausage fest total total sausage party all them dudes was hugging up on each other and that's's fine. But just say that's what you did, you know?

People also say, dude didn't smoke cheap. But guess what? They were puffing the kind herbs and they were getting crazy lifted. So much they couldn't see straight. And that was the purest kind. It was more pure because it hadn't been infected by GMOs and Monsanto yeah and parabens

and if you think about like some of the shit these dudes come up with you had to be on dope because really look at like okay uh I'm just gonna stack these sticks up together and live under them. That's nuts. It's like you had to have been tripping and also to come up with the idea of like wearing a hat with a belt on it. Oh, gosh. Because you don't need to hold your hat up. That's like what your most fucked up friend would do. Dude, yeah.

It's honestly the equivalent of having a lampshade on your head. So one myth about the Indian guys, us, is that they're in teepees and they're not chill. Well, actually, they are chill. And actually, yeah, they are in teepees as well. So part of it, but yes, part of it is true. But the pervasive myth is that they are in teepees as well. So part of it, but yes, part of it is true. But the pervasive myth is that they're in teepees and they're not chill. Oh, please. Those things have always gone hand in hand. When they're in there, they're being chill.

And if you actually stuck your head in a teepee every once in a while instead of sticking your head in a book written by a white man, you might find out that we are chilling in there. And that if we say, oh, you know, be careful when you go outside, there's a bear out there, that we're actually telling the truth. And that's why the story of The Boy Who Cried Bear is not about a Native American chill dude. It's about, like, guess what? A Caucasian. Yet another. Yeah.

Have you had enough of them yet? Yeah. Here's another story. The mashed potatoes were lumpy at that first one, at the first Thanksgiving. Okay. No. They were very smooth. So creamy.

Mm-hmm. So creamy. Because they actually had some milk in them, and they had been mushed mashed down for a long time. Smashed potatoes have lumps. Mashed potatoes are creamy. And they did, yes. And they did have smashed potatoes as well. The red russet potatoes with the skin on.

But the smashed potatoes were a separate dish. So when people say the mashed potatoes were lumpy, that's what makes it mythological. And here's another thing. When the sausage fest landed here, the myth is that you learn in school that a lot of the Indian women, the squaws, didn't have that dynamite coochie blow your mind. When in fact, they did. It was yanking. It was.

That's where the idea of like Yankees, you know, that's where that term came from. Yeah. Because it was Yankin. Yeah. And also, you know, some people think that white people started stealing the property because they wanted to sort of institute this like colonial law or whatever that they had learned in europe or something yeah but actually fake that's total fake and columbus speaking of yankin saw one freaking native american dude like me jerking his crank and got real jealous because let's face it, ladies, we've got big ones.

And so one of the big myths that happens is like, oh, they had like these laws and institutions. They were like more advanced. It's like actually they were just less advanced downstairs and got so mad that they were like, oh, no one else allowed here. I own this now about like a tree. And to also claim that that they invented jerking it oh yeah because he also was like that looks like it would feel good when really yes when

really native americans had been jerking it for eons meanwhile big chief stroking hog was like uh yeah it looks that way because it is that way, Holmes, and was trying to be cool about it. What they were doing when they landed to jerk it was just... Plymouth Rock. Yes. Was just... What the Pilgrims were doing was just kind of dipping it in a glass of water.

That's what they thought jerking it was. And just leaving it there. And they were like, oh, we love... This is awesome. Oh, it feels so awesome. This feels amazing. But they were just faking because that was like the social mores of the time, and that was actually what they left England to escape. Yeah, I mean, that's what's so crazy is the whole reason they all got on those boats

was because we're only allowed to sort of let it sit in the water, just sort of gently float there and no one wanted to do that anymore and also when you went to someone's house you never knew if you could take a drink from their glass of water or not so it was solving a lot of problems that the white man had and then they don't give credit and then they also are like, oh, but give thanks. And it's supposedly about all this other stuff or whatever that it's not and it's not real. But they said, you know, they went too far in the one direction. You know, they start, they hear about jerking it from the Indians,

they start jerking it. But they got a lot of diseases because they stopped dipping their stuff in the water at all. You still got to clean it. You still have to dip it in the water sometimes. Oh, yeah. And we dip it in the water after. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Not every time, but a lot of the time. What else was fake about that stuff? what else was fake about that stuff oh so supposedly like um the indians like brought a raccoon to dinner and we're like this is what we eat but actually no that was columbus he did that and the indians me i was like uh uh dude that's fucked up. Why don't you eat this pig I cooked in this pot? And that's, I mean, that's America.

What about the idea that somebody accidentally, one of the white kids at the dinner accidentally invented corn? Thank you for bringing that up. No, don't think so. He actually was scared of the corn and was trying to fight it with a knife. And did eat it for the first time, but that was an accident. Chopped it because he thought it was a monster coming for him and then screamed so loud the corn got in his mouth.

That's not inventing it. That's just having some of it. The guy who invented it actually was one of my grandfather's good friends. Because we lived for a super long time. You become trees. Yeah. You sort of get your skin turns sort of tree stuff. Yeah.

Tree style. It gets thick and strong and we just sort of root into the earth. We dig our little footsies into the dirt until we just sort of can chill there and just be chill like we are in our teepees. And that, yeah, and my grandfather's buddy, chief corn inventor. Yeah, so he did it. And that's why we get to eat the food so think about that next thanksgiving when your family's like hey are you coming home for thanksgiving be like no what about the rumor that sacagawea sacagawea i'm sorry is how we say it what the What about the rumor that Sacagawea did, like, flash everybody for, like, one second? Did, yeah.

Just, like, the quickest flash. Just gave a quick peek. On a dare. Yeah, that happened. Could you see it? Because a lot of people said that they could see it, but I think it was too quick. Yeah, I mean, you could get a sense of it. It was like this.

It was like this. Yeah, your mind fills it in afterwards in a way, like what you expected to see. But I don't think you were really going to be able to capture it in any meaningful way from the pure visual, just because it was so fast. Was it that fast? What is your memory of how because it was so fast. Was it like, like, was it that fast? What is your memory of how fast it was? Um, I guess to sort of verbalize it for everyone, it was,

and that's the, is the up and the book is like down. And that was how fast it was. That just speaks to chillness and actually being cool and just going like, yeah, fuck, I'm having fun. Like you want to see it here,

here you go. And then like, just like, all right, cool. And let's now hand me the, yeah, fuck, I'm having fun. Like, you want to see it here. Here you go. And then like, just like, all right, cool. And let's now hand me the, you know, pasta, spaghetti beans. And that's what we were about back then. So that's about Thanksgiving being fake. We have some incredible guests in the show. We have some incredible guests in the show. The guys from Trends with Benefits who also work at Earwolf Studios are here.

Agata, Gabe, and July. And they're on the show on Hollywood Handbook. So we get to the first break and Tony Kornheiser leans over and is like, hey, I noticed during the times we were talking about sports on the show, you were talking about how you were stronger than a lot of those guys. Is that true? Are you really that strong? If you have to ask. And so I said, Tony, I'd like you to watch what I'm about to do to the desk.

And I put my, you know, I kind of grab it with my hands. And I'm going like. Pretending it's hard to lift. Well, and then I would just let go. And Tony's like, well, you didn't lift the desk. It's the same place. And I said, Tony, look closer at the surface of the desk. And there are these like very deep handprints inside the desk

because I wasn't trying to lift it. No, you were trying to squeeze it. I was trying to squeeze it. Yes. I was trying to squeeze it very hard. And imagine that power that if you wanted to put a dent in something. What I would do to like a football, for example, I notice when they play the game, they're just catching it and it remains. They're holding it.

They're holding it. And it looks like they're trying to hold it tight, but then it might go bouncing, dribbling around the field. And it's like, well, why don't they just squish it into a little flat smush? Yeah, it could make it into a worm. You make it into a worm, and then you just open your gullet and just drain it straight down. And freak everyone out.

Yes, and scare them. Eating worms. Why did he eat that football worm, a man might say. Hey! Hi! Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? Forgot to take a breath at the beginning.

No, you don't need it. I was supposed to do it before. You don't need a breath. I was supposed to do it before I did it. Forget it. I thought it sounded good that you were running out of steam. I actually like the way that sounds. So we've got such a great show, we think, and we just hope it goes well. And a lot of times we just wonder, will it be good? And we don't know. So this is one of those. And we have these guests.

And I don't know if you know about other podcasts. We certainly don't, but people are making them all the time and, I guess, trying to do what we do. And these guys are here, and they host a podcast called Trends with Benefits. And that's a very generous way of us describing them first as podcasters instead of as Earwolf employees, which is what they also are. Yes, and just sort of a collection of, if you go to an Arby's or something, people are cooking roast beef in the back, and maybe you don't ever see them because you're just there to eat a sandwich.

And that's what Earwolf is like. It's like somebody's got to cook the roast beef. They're not all podcast hosts or even engineers who are kind of trash in their own right. There's other pieces of the machine. So to us, these guys seems like little kids. And what we want to do is kind of he had an idea to launch Wolf Cool Junior and something aimed at sort of people just starting out at life. We can talk.

Do we want to save that? I do want to talk about some rules for the Earwolf studio. Well, that might help us just in terms of when we do discuss Wolf Cool Junior, how they should respond. Yes. And I appreciate the instinct now to not say anything at all. I love that I haven't heard a peep out of him. Hi. Thanks for having us on the show, guys.

That's great. I love hearing that because when I emailed you earlier today, not because of not being able to get other guests. We can get whoever we want. Yeah, no. This is a favor we're doing for you. Send the email 1052 a.m. Almost three hours later, the response comes in. Yeah, we're available.

That's what it says. I'm sorry. I was making sure that we were all available. And this is the voice of one of the main ones. This is the face of the podcast that they do. This is the face that they're putting forward. I can't dare to imagine what these other ghouls they do. This is the phase that they're putting forward. I can't dare to imagine what these other ghouls would do.

And she's one of the main ones. And we have some of the secondary ones here as well. Hi. Okay, who said that? Hi, I'm Gabe. Good, okay, Gabe. How do I remember this?

Let's come up with a device, Hayes. Gabe. Broccoli rabe is the only thing that rhymes with my name. Stop it. I'm sorry. Now I can only think of that. Yeah. And I think it's pronounced broccoli rob.

So gob. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess in a way he gave me a bad example of what a mnemonic device might be. That's good. I can remember that. Yes. And then the other guy.

I'm very sick. Hello. What's your name? July is my name. This is July. He's the name? July is my name. This is July. He's the tertiary of the trio. But he's the youngster. The little baby.

Let's get into some ground rules, Gabe. Sure. So just dry run, just random scenario off the top of my head. Which one of you, I'm sorry, when you say tertiary, which one of you is yakko and which is wacko if this one is dot? I'm wacko and Agata is yakko. Okay, got it. I'm in the number two spot.

Now I understand everything. And Cody's kind of the baby who keeps asking why. So let's go over some ground rules. Because we share a lot of time together in the studio. We're around each other a lot. We want everything to sort of run smoothly. You talked about how you guys make all this roast beef. That's mostly for Jeff Garland. That's not really

you know, like we don't deal with you as much on the like roast beef front. And I know he doesn't have a podcast here anymore really. But he stops by for the roast beef. Yeah. But in terms of other interactions,

we do have a couple of rules that we want to take care of. So let's say you're here, you're on your laptop, you're doing something, and I can't even guess what it would be. And somebody like a Hayes Davenport gets off the elevator, walks in, peeks his head in the studio, and seems to be looking for the engineer. You know where the engineer is. What might one of you say?

Yes, let's just walk through it from the beginning. So it goes ding, and the doors open. Hi, Hayes. How's it going? Okay, stop. No hug? You want a hug before I even say hi? Maybe a hug instead of the hi. Did you need the hi?

I mean, a hug would suffice for me. I have some fresh roast beef if anybody wants roast beef. Okay, and so now you're confusing Hayes with Jeff Garland. And that's a mistake that we never want to make. It's for everybody. It's not just for Jeff. Well, yes. I know this is what you're supposed to say to Jeff Garland.

You're just offering up. People stop by all the time for the roast beef. But let's be frank. Only Jeff Garland is eating that roast beef. That's true. So let's just call it like we see it. And that's part of the rules that we want. We want you to be honest.

We don't want you to say hi. We want a hug. If you're going to say anything, say get in here. Okay. Get in here, you. Yes. And then commence the hug. And then let's start from there.

Or let's start from the top, actually. I just want to make sure we have this exactly right. Ding. Hug. You're supposed to say get in here. Oh, sorry. I thought you said hug to say, get in here. Oh, sorry. I thought you said hug. Okay, get in here, Hayes.

No, you're gesturing towards the door. It's not like get into the room. It's like get into my body for the hug. And I don't want you to be the only one doing this. Let's have Gabe do it. Gabe has been listening very closely. It's not a boy-girl thing. I think Gabe's going to nail this.

Now, Gabe, forget Hayes. Let's say I get off the elevator. Ding. Whoosh. Hmm. Hmm. Okay. Well, I haven't worked here in over a year.

Okay. This is too much conversation for the beginning. Oh, okay. Now, I'll pretend I don't. Sean just walked in the room for you to say, hmm, okay, I haven't worked here in over a year. It's just such a bizarre way to greet somebody. It's so strange for me because I would not know the difference. I think I've made that very clear.

That's fine. That's fine. I have roast beef, but it's not for you. Shall I? That's fine. That's fine. I have roast beef, but it's not for you. July?

What you can do is, since I'm not Jeff, is you cannot even bring up the roast beef to me. You know? Because it's not going to matter. You don't have to tell me that it's not for me. You don't have to offer it for me. Okay. So, okay. I'm just sitting here and not being eaten. So, Gabe, you seem to think I want a conversation

or that I have information that I need. No, you're right. Okay, so. Let's start from the top. Yeah, let's start from the top. Okay. Ding. Whoosh.

Hmm. Hi, Sean. Come on in. No, no, not come on in. It's get in here. And something that maybe you would say to me that you wouldn't say to Hayes is nice outfit, Sean. Oh, yeah. Looking sharp, buddy.

Yeah, maybe we like the clothes I have on. You're saying this in the middle of the hug, sort of feeling the fabric with your hands on his back. This is nice. What is this? And you sort of rub it between two fingers. And I wouldn't mind this in the middle of the hug, too.

That does me good. And this should be quiet, because you're right in his ear. Yes, it's very quiet and it's almost to yourself, but it's the idea that the hug is some strong medicine for you. Okay. All right. I think I have it.

Can I try again? What do you think, Hayes? Let's kick it over to July. I think July's going to nail this one. He's been here the whole time and he's really got the eye of the tiger. He's definitely worked here within the past year. Yeah, and even if he hadn't, he wouldn't necessarily weed with that. It makes me wonder, what happened?

What did Gabe do? Or not do, or fail to do, you know? Not eat the roast beef, if that's what we're talking about. July, it's like an obsession. It's like a very strange tick that you have, and I'm beginning to wonder if you need medicine for it. Not the hug medicine. Let's make it that Hayes and I have both arrived now.

This is a bit of a curveball. Ding, ding. Hmm. Get in here. Hug. Hug. That's too tight, July. Get in here. Hug. Hug. That's too tight, July.

That's too tight a squeeze. July, that was much too tight a squeeze. Trying to hug both of us at the same time, you just ended up kind of like feeling both of our faces because your arms aren't very long. And so you just kind of ended up putting your hands on both of our faces. And the get in here appeared to be inspired by the get over here that Scorpion says in the Mortal Kombat series.

You caught me. I'm a big gamer. Yes, well, that's not what today is about. Shout out to all my game heads out there. July? a big gamer. Yes, well, that's not what today is about. Shout out to all my game heads out there. July? This is not a place

to shout out to your game heads. To anybody's game heads. Let's go back to Agata. Okay, what? Ding, ding, whoosh.

Hmm, hmm. Only one of the elevator doors opened, you'll notice. So what do you do now? Shit, one of the elevators is broken. But first, shouldn't you give a hug to the guy who did get out of the elevator? Which one got out of the elevator? Does it matter? It's a hug. It's a hug.

That's what you're worried about. Would one of us not get a hug and one would? Is the outfit nice? If someone's stuck in an elevator, I think that's more important. Than what? Than hugging the other person. If you think you're going to solve the elevator being stuck before

the hug finishes, then congratulations. You know a little more about elevators than I do, and I know quite a bit. All right, fair point. Okay, I do a hug, and then I fix the elevator. Okay, how do you fix it? I don't know Too long, yeah You certainly had time for the hug, we found that out You were jumping the gun on fixing it

You send Cody to chew through a cable that got caught up in the rafters Yeah, that makes sense Maybe the scenario we started with of us walking through the office was a little too complicated. Let's remove us from it. New scenario. New scenario. You're going through a trash can. You find a fine Bulgari watch and some Persol sunglasses.

Sunglasses. You know that Hayes is sponsored by both these companies and that he loves a strong masculine watch face and sunglasses with the little keyhole under the nose area. How do you get Hayes' materials back, or do you? And this is an open question. This question is open to whoever has the quickest mind because time is a factor in this situation, and I'm not just talking about the perpetually flowing second hand on the watch.

Because you notice I'm not saying tick, tick, tick, because the way the second hand flows, it's just like a tick. See? Right. We would just email you and say, Hayes, come pick up your stuff. Pretty informal. Hayes. So, okay.

So we're just calling him Hayes. We have his email somehow. And then it's come pick up your stuff. You're coming to her. Do you like that, Hayes? I'm coming to pick up your stuff. You're coming to her. Do you like that, Hayes? I'm coming to pick up my stuff from you. Yeah. And what stuff is this?

The sunglasses and the watch. It's like you don't even know the names of the brands. Okay, it's not a hug? Yeah. How many hugs do you want? I'm just going to come pick up. You're just telling me to come pick up you're just telling me to come pick up some stuff

that I left at the office and there's no presentation of any kind of hug? It was left in the garbage? Is this in the garbage here at the office? Well, yeah, he was probably trying to prove a point. Okay.

Well, I would start an email. I would say, Mr. Davenport, please provide an address where I can overnight these items to you. Mm-hmm. And then does he get a hug afterwards? Yeah. Did you get a hug afterwards? Yeah, I would put a bunch of O's representing the hugs from X and O at the bottom. O-O-O-O-O comma Gabe. Well, that's a big whiff on that answer. In July, I'm not even going to walk through what Gabe did wrong,

but why don't you lay on us, and I think you're going to get this one. You look like you've really got it figured out now. Yeah, okay, so just to be clear, I will wash my hands before going into the garbage. Thank you, July. Thank you very much. Because he's one for one. Yes.

Because I have been touching a lot of roast beef all day long, and I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm contaminating the roast beef at all. And that honestly, if that's a euphemism for hugging one of us, like touching a lot of roast beef, that's okay with me. And I actually prefer it. Go on. So I wash my hands very thoroughly.

I jump into the garbage. Got to get all the way in there because it is a deep can and July, as we said, is not a tall guy. I'm sort of stuck there for maybe three hours so it'll give me

a good enough time to sort of sort of to acclimate. Yes, you end up sort of having to sweat your way out once you're in there.

So I find your precious items and I go over to your house and sort of like push them in through the mail slot. You can't hug through a mail slot. So if you're pushing the items that way, it seems like you're skipping a big step in the process of giving him his stuff back.

I'm going to get hurt, actually, in the process. I'm potentially going to get hurt trying to hug you in that situation, right? Yeah, you would. You would get hurt. And you didn't say get in here either to me for the hug or to the items to go through the mail slot. You didn't say get in here to anybody.

I think, I mean, I want to get the ground rules. Yeah, what do you want us to do? So just, you know, I appreciate the lessons. Yeah. Well, these are the best ways to learn because the ground rules are do it the good way, the smart, nice way. And, Hayes, do you just want to walk them through another scenario and see if we get some more clarity for them? It's hard for me to do it at this point because I haven't received a hug through this entire conversation that we've been having.

Nobody snuck up on me and sort of gave me a nice squeeze from behind. And I've been sort of deliberately like facing each one of you head on, hoping that one of the other ones would sneak up on me and give me a, like maybe cover my eyes with one hand and just sort of wrap the other arm

around me. Roll the one around and sort of just rock you, just sort of sway gently back and forth with you. Yeah, I've been waiting to see that, in fact. It has seemed strange that it hasn't happened. So maybe I think we could just move on to Wolf Cool Jr. Wolf Cool Jr. is a project we're so excited about and I think we finally

found the right people for it. You guys are kind of these young folks who have these ideas that seem so crazy to me and maybe I'm a dinosaur. And so let's get in touch with that. And even if it doesn't make sense to anyone or no one likes what you're doing, you're doing it anyway. And isn't that what Wolf Cool Junior is about, taking chances? Because we've done other networks. They had Wolf Pop, which is podcasting for women. Mm-hmm. Networks, you know, they had Wolf Pop, which is podcasting for women. They, you know, they did Earwolf, which is podcasting for dorks. But what about kids and babies? So do we have any ideas and just bouncing stuff off the walls and throwing the spaghetti up there?

I want you to feel so much freedom to get the spaghetti out there and smash it around. We'll have a big spaghetti fight. Like ideas for new shows? Okay, that's not an idea, but you know what you're doing with that? Yes. As you're putting the spaghetti through the colander, and you're just getting it, you know, just so it's ready to be touched and held.

And now let's start throwing the spaghetti. Okay. Close your eyes and touch it with your hand. Mm-hmm. Does it just feel like brains? How about a show about... Okay, we don't know if it feels like brains. How about a show about... Okay, we don't know if it feels like brains. How about a show about dogs?

Okay. Nintendogs. Nintendogs. Nintendogs show would be good. Okay. Shout out to the gamer heads out there. Okay. July, you're on thin ice.

From my experience with children, I think they really like the wheels on the bus, the song The Wheels on the Bus. Sure. That song has a lot of heat. It is. We've discussed it a lot on our show. Yeah, so maybe a show where we sort of break down the wheels on the bus.

So really your idea for a show is just some way to plug your other show? Plug your own show. Oh, I've got to go listen to this show. This is somebody at home. Oh, my God, that show sounds incredible. How do I stop this show I'm currently listening to quickly and go listen to the one where the wheels on the bus is discussed? Nice try, Gabe.

Well, I mean, we talk about everything that's sort of in the zeitgeist of, you know, culture and society. So the wheels on the bus is naturally one of the subjects. Okay. I don't want people to think that that's all we talk about. Now, what happens if you're doing a whole podcast about wheels on the bus? We're in our 100-plus episode. What happens when you run out of bus parts to make noise?

Oh, yeah. Maybe we're kind of – there are also other children's songs that we could do. Like those shows that sort of go through every episode of a TV show, we could sort of do a different episode on a different children's song. We could like sing it at the beginning and sing it at the end, and then in between we talk about what it means. Riff on it. Yeah, and like our history with the song, our memories of the song.

Okay, well, that's one slam dunk. Wolf Cool Jr. is roaring out of the gate. What's the name of that podcast? Yeah, what's the name dunk. Wolf Cool Jr. is roaring out of the gate. What's the name of that podcast? Yeah, what's the name? Nursery Tunes? Back to the drawing board. What about a show about hugging where we just sort of describe hugs to children

and sort of the benefits you get from hugs. Okay. So you want to describe hugs? Yes. Okay. What would that sound like? Teaser for a possible show? Yes. Okay. Maybe it'll sound like? Oh, teaser for a possible show? Yes.

Okay. Maybe it'll sound like Get in here! Ugh! Ugh! Okay, and you're humping during the hug, which is not traditionally part of it. And not really. If that were a baby, you would have launched the baby across the room

with a single hump well this is a show for babies so this is sort of teaching babies to showcase that baby strength and you know just don't don't just give it your all with your hugs okay but you were going to describe the hug as well not just we weren't just going to hear it you were going to also describe it. Yes. Okay. So first you get your left hand, then your right hand. You look at them. You raise both your arms. And you sort of walk slowly like a Frankenstein to the person you want to hug. And then you sort of do like a C formation

if we're looking above from a helicopter view and you sort of trap the other person and they're like your basketball and you're the hoop. Good God, hugs are terrifying to you. The person becomes trapped by a Frankenstein. That's what you described, Jelal. Yeah. Is that really your experience?

Oh, you've never had a hug from Haze. No. Oh, no wonder. Yeah. Oh, guys. And also Frankenstein wouldn't do a C. His hug would be a V shape from a helicopter. Oh, that's right.

Right? Right, don't we think? You're right, yeah. His hug would be a V shape from a helicopter view. Oh, that's right. Right? Right, don't we think? You're right, yeah. Or, like, almost an H. And to be honest, July, Frankenstein is the doctor. You're thinking of Frankenstein's monster. That's true.

Yeah, that's super true. And if you were, you know, to walk like a Franken walk like Dr. Frankenstein over to somebody, you'd have to be in a wheelchair. Yeah, because dude's legs are fucked. Because if you remember what he was in charge of X-Men. Yeah. Okay, so I guess if you want to hug like Dr. Frankenstein, you would roll yourself. Hold on, Cody.

Is the machines okay? You guys, what you didn't see is Cody is looking at the machines and is pulling on all of it. And they're starting to get real scared. And it seems like maybe he's identified a problem. That's good. They're just checking it out. Okay, and he just got

interested for some reason. So, alright, but that's the bumps. And you guys at Wocold Junior will be dealing with that. Go ahead. Normally when Cody stands up, it's to mysteriously leave the room in an emergency. And I'm actually more comfortable with that now than I am with him

just fingering a bunch of knobs on the other side of the floor. Yeah, it was like he fell in love with one of the plugs. Cody knows what he's doing. He's a prof-essional. I love with one of the plugs. Cody knows what he's doing. He's a prof. Professional. I just had to finish the word. May I pitch another show? Is that okay, or are we done?

Have we gotten the boot from the pitch meeting? I guess it depends on the show. I haven't really heard from Agata on the shows either. I'm trying to think of what babies like. It's been so long since I've been a baby. Right. How about this? How about a show that...

They're bragging about how old she is. She's so big and she's not a baby. I'm so far from being a baby. I'm a whole grown up. It's like, yeah, maybe. Okay, I feel like babies like TV shows for babies, right? Like cartoons. So maybe a show about cartoons. Oh, the podcast.

Cartoons? Like the wheels on the bus? That's a bus. Yeah, Gabe kind of already covered that. A bus is like much too big to be a car. Well, it's like a car machine, though. It's a big car machine. That's true.

But the problem in part is. It's like a monster car. Yes. The car is basically on friggin' steroids and is like the Schwarzenegger version of a car. And in the same way that July's hug was too strong and too big for a car, I'm afraid that the bus is too strong of a car because a baby can't really imagine themselves driving that yet. Now can

they? Yeah, that's true. Good point. I do think... Points. Remember? We used to do it on the show. What is it, Gabe? I was going to say, Agata didn't have a terrible idea, and it sort of ties in to? I was going to say, Agata didn't have a terrible idea and it sort of ties in

to what I was going to pitch, which is, you know, we talked about Animaniacs before and they were like such a big hit with kids when they were on TV.

Actually, they got canceled pretty quickly. They were influential, but they weren't a big hit. I liked it, but it was too messed up for a lot of people and they were putting on the show

against the will of the studio we'd want to be able to work with the studios we don't want that kind of bad blood ultimately this town is about relationships so you think they're too sort of anti-establishment is that what you think I think?

I was just trying to clarify with you anti-establishment for the podcast world. I was just trying to clarify with you. You think I think they're too anti- something-something? Well, I'll tell you what, Gabe. Don't think about what you think I think. Just listen to what I say I want to do.

And that's a lesson for everybody around me, and I'm not taking any BS anymore. So what do we think of this Obama cat? Is this guy off his nut or what? Is he freaking screwed up? There's an Obama cat?

Is this like grumpy cat? No. That could be a good meme with like showing. Walk me through it. I know you're onto something, but I can't quite see it yet. Showing Grumpy Cat reacting to various policies of Obama's. Here's what I was thinking. Or if it's like you like your plan you could keep your

plan grumpy cat's face yeah right oh that's dope dope dope okay dope that's dope when you had first said it i pictured like it's grumpy Cat's face but it's like a quote from an Obama speech. Okay. Like Grumpy Cat's saying it. Well, you have Grumpy Cat reacting to it. He's reacting to Obama. My Grumpy Cat is saying it.

Okay. And so the message there would be that Obama is too grumpy to be president. Potentially. You said it, not me. Dope, dope. Yo, I'm liking this. So maybe that's a podcast.

Kids talking about memes and then Obama's there. Was anyone else who was actually close to being a baby willing to admit to being a baby recently, like knows what babies like and stuff? Not anyone who's trying to really draw a lot of distance between themselves and babies when that's the intent. When the whole idea is about trying to form connections to babies, and that's why you guys are here. Does anyone not want to submarine their own opportunity by making it very clear that they

don't understand babies? I've been spending a lot of time with my niece. Okay, so that's what we've been up to for the past year? Yeah, I've been spending some time with my niece. A lot of free time opened up. Yeah, I was working here. Was that the kind of excuse they gave you to make it look good when you parted ways?

Your niece needs your attention. He's going to be spending a lot of time with his niece. Yeah, I think that sort of when we were spending all the time. Wait, this isn't Andy Neese, is it? It's not Andy Neese. I like that guy a lot, but no, I'm talking about my actual, her name's Ella, and she's a little, she's a baby. She's my sister's baby. Ella Fitzgerald?

She's old. She is old. Fitzgerald. She's old. She is old. Yeah, no. Dope, dope. Yeah. What is she like, Gabe? She's just like, you know, she loves, like, playing on the iPad. Like, babies are really into iPads these days.

Yo, real quick, what I love about babies is they just shoot you straight. You know, there's no filter straight up. If you're ugly, a baby's just going to be like that man's ugly, daddy. And you just got to deal with it. Don't don't babies are straight up where like a lot of chicks will be like sort of acting like they like you. But then as soon as you're like, do you actually like me? They like, aren't willing to just be straight up. Yeah. Babies actually will tell you if they just want something from you, they just ask for it. Yo, give me that donut. That's all they do, but they don't pretend like, oh, I'm friends with you and then try to get your donut. Yeah. If baby, if baby likes you, they don't play games. Yeah. Chicks play too much games. July, speak on that.

Chicks play a lot of games. I'm a huge game head. So, you know, totally in my wheelhouse here. Just out there. My gamer tag is July69, 420. Just to chat me up. Yo, Agato, what's the dankest kush you've ever smoked? I mean, I just...

It's the speed rounds. Just that, you know, that blueberry stuff. The blueberry. Yeah, the blueberry stuff. Yep. Yo, okay, Gabe. Yeah. Be honest, man.

Okay. Don't bullshit me, man. That feeling of catching waves, is there anything like it? No. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. Surfing is a lifestyle, and it's about being out in nature and meeting the ocean and all the seahorses. It's important.

Cody, should Daily Fantasy be legal? I'm sorry. I was doing something on the internet. Please be more specific. Cody, I think, now is trying to get caught doing doing something on the internet. Please be more specific. Cody, I think, now is trying to get caught doing something funny on the internet. Should Daily Fantasy be legal? Is this Micon? Yeah.

Okay. It's one thing that could be, but I don't really care. I don't know for sure. Dope answer. It is one thing that could be legal. It's one thing that could be, but I don't really care. I don't know for sure. That's how you answer a question.

Now, what do we think is the biggest dog? Of dog breeds? Yeah. This was a podcast pitched earlier. Clifford. This should really be a gotta. St. Bernard. Doing this.

Biggest dog. Okay, I think it's Clifford. Clifford is bigger than St. Bernard. Yeah, he is bigger. Okay, and is it possible to think about dogs without getting sad? You mean like missing dogs? Well, St. Bernard's only live like nine years max. Their

heart's not big enough for their whole body to get the blood all through it. Now I'm sad. Yeah, well, that's... So is this really a good podcast we want to do? Because ideally, podcasts is making people happy in the car. It's keeping them company.

Yeah. Yeah. I just want to feel like there's someone in the car. Yeah, and I don't have a boyfriend or whatever. Well, I think, you know, when I was a kid, they came out with the Beethoven series of movies. That was a big dog, dude. That was a big dog.

Dude, that dog was fucking big. Dope. Grodin That was a big dog. He was a sinker. Dude, that dog was fucking big. Dope. Grodin's like, goddamn dog. And they played the rollover. The kids liked him, though. Rollover Beethoven song. The kids liked him. Uh-huh.

But I think that a lot of the people from my generation, they get depressed when they think about Beethoven now. In some ways, Beethoven was a precursor to We're the Millers, where We're the Millers did innovate by having Spider bite dude's dick. But if you recall, Little Wiener Dude bite dude's wiener in the Beethoven thing. Oh, the wiener dog. Bite dude's wiener, yeah. Yeah.

And when he tried to do the crime. So it is something to think about. What about, what's the nicest dog, though, dude? I would say it's my dog. Dude, stay on topic, man. What's the nicest dog, man? The nicest dog is my dog. My dog's the nicest dog.

Is your dog being a slide like Clifford? Sometimes. Is he able to help out his friends in that way? Yeah, I think so. I think every morning we let him out of the apartment and he goes around. And we don't know what he does, but I assume it's adventures. But you think he might be a slide? Yeah, I think so.

I think so. We have to put a GoPro on him to be sure. And see if he'd be a slide? Yeah. Okay, he's lying. Now, to me, the best part about podcasts can be like, okay, so I'm listening to this, but I don't really have to because who gives a shit?

Is there any way for us to recreate that but for babies? Is there any way for us to recreate that, but for babies? I think so. I think that that's how babies approach all forms of entertainment. Name 10 podcasts. Okay. Hollywood Handbook. Okay. Doesn't really fit my criteria.

Galamania. Mm-hmm. Is that a thing now? I think so. Where it's at, Feral Audio? I think they went solo. I think they went out on their own. That was a good move for them. Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of the time when it comes to these networks,

you have to weigh a lot of things before you think about joining them or staying with them. You know, you got to think about those CPMs and impressions. That's a podcast? This is a podcast? Oh, no, I'm talking. That's the name of one? You're in the middle of a list of 10 podcasts. Oh, right.

You realize that? Yeah. The Adam Carolla Show is one. WTF. W, right. Okay. You realize that? Yeah. The Adam Carolla Show is one. WTF. WTF. Thank you. A God is Helping Me. Yeah.

Pete Holmes Show. Mm-hmm. And then that's Gabe. Why do you think July loves seeing you fail, Gabe? Did I fail? I thought I got 10. Why do you think it gives July such pleasure? Look at his face.

Oh, I'm so sick. Are you okay? And see, this is another good lesson from July, which is neither of the other of you came in with an established bit. Yeah, he had this sick character that he'd been working on clearly for quite some time. Here we just have Gabe, the list not be great at it. And I'm sorry, but that's true.

And we have Agata. All we know about her is that she's not a baby. But July, the people at home know that July is sick. Sick and game. And that he's a game head. He's established a lot of details for himself. So maybe you guys have some that you could kind of establish and get comedy out of the way July has his cough noise.

So let's pitch an idea, and maybe you can ask July for help too if he has some stuff he didn't use that maybe would have conflicted with his sick thing. I'm open to it. Okay, so I gotta ask July. July, what do I do? Yeah, what's her thing?

Okay, well, you could be really into roast beef, because I feel like that was a strong way. No, he did gobble that one up, too. He did do that one as well. So, yes. July, try to give her one that you didn't use already. Okay.

Let's see. Maybe just be a baby. Maybe just like... Be a baby? Because so far you've been saying you're not a baby. Yeah. But maybe we find out that you are a baby. And now Agata, make that your own.

What's your twist on it? Wah. Okay, yeah. That was a pretty hard right turn for that character. We said a twist, you know, but the direction you went with that was almost too twisted. What I will say is comedy is only surprise. And we've established that on the show, that really comedy is just being surprised.

And that in any given moment, the funniest thing that could happen is if you just exploded. So that did surprise me and shock me. Yes. For the baby to say, what was it again? Wee. Yes. That did shock me. At the same time, at the same time, I would say,

maybe our listeners aren't ready to hear a baby so sad. Yes. To hear a baby be as sad as that. All right. I'll work on it. And because if you think about the babies who are in daycare and they're listening to this and they hear you be so sad as a baby. Now all the babies in the daycare are sad. Right.

Okay. Now time's over. Gabe, have you come up with anything for yourself? Sure. How about I'll start with the title, Babies Having Babies. And it's sort of like. Hang on. No, it's a character trait for you. Oh, it's a characteries. And it's sort of like... Hang on, no. It's a character trait for you.

Oh, it's a character trait. Four topics ago. I'm so sorry. I'm not following any of the ground rules. It doesn't know what a list is. We were talking about baby podcasts. You can ask July, too, for help.

Okay, July. What should my character trait be? All right, Gabe. Don't tell him July. All right, Gabe. Remember how much you like. Another one of your traits, July, is loving to see Gabe fail. Gabe, so we know it's been established.

We're all terrible at hugging. Okay. But you've been hugging all of us this whole time. Oh, is that like a twist? Is that the twist? Do with it as you will. July, that was a really bad suggestion. Good job.

That was really awful. I couldn't have imagined. I thought, oh, there's no ways I can be able to completely tank this. At no point in the suggestion did I feel like you had any idea where you were going or that it could possibly help Gabe or even really be a suggestion. What if I'm just

always shoving cookies in my mouth? Okay. That's a cookie monster. Yes. Is that something we already know? The cookie monster. But babies love cookie monster. It's not so much about babies at this point.

Maybe that can be my character trait is that I'm always a few conversations behind. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that works. That could be good. Are you able to keep track of that sufficiently? I think so. I think so. I can try.

My mind is racing at 100 thoughts per minute. Hold up. Speed two. That was on a boat? Yes, we're back into the lightning round. Cody, that question's for you. Don't you think that wolf is the biggest dog? Don't, don't.

Okay. Hey, that's my character trait. Let's keep it trucking along. And we just keep on moving. And don't forget. Hey, Agata, what's the ideal pH for your outdoor pool? Negative seven. Okay.

Let's cruise on down the road. Yo, July, hang on a second, man. Why is ISIS so mean? Oh, fuck. I don't like getting political in IRL or in podcast world. So, no comment. No reason to stop right now. Will Rooney Mara be nominated for her performance in Carol?

Gabe, lay it on me. Yeah, I think so. Todd Haynes is a classic director. He always makes interesting movies, and she's always taking on challenging roles. Gabe, sorry, you completely sold out your character. What a great opportunity to finish the show by answering that question much later than it was asked.

But I'm just amazed at the fact that you could struggle so much with every other question. But as soon as you find this great character who's answering questions from the past, you get a question and answer it so perfectly in the in the present i i don't even know what to do anymore yeah that pretty good answer is probably the worst thing you could have done for the podcast i get really i get really passionate about film bye this has been an Earwolf production executive produced by Scott Ackerman

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