Hollywood Handbook - Alex Blumberg, Our Live Helper at Being the Best Podcast at the Live Show

Episode Date: May 30, 2016

The boys do a live show at VultureFest in New York City's historic Casper Podcast Lounge, and execute their plan to become the number-one podcast on iTunes with the help of podcast guru ALEX BLUMBERG.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So just to finish up what I was saying. Yeah, yeah. Throw that there. So it was me, it was Jacques Vaughn. Oh, wow. Lawrence Frank. Yes. And Evangeline. Lily, yeah.

Lily is under the car on one of those rolling things. Yes. Sort of trying to fix it. Oh, okay. With tools. That's why she fix it. Oh, okay. With tools. That's why she would be under there for sure. So, Jacques has this kind of funny idea. Yeah. There's a bunch of... This is former

coach of the Orlando Magic, Jacques. Yeah. Don't... He still likes to be called coach. New Jersey Nets coach. Yes. Okay. He still wants to be called coach. New Jersey Mets Coach. Yes. He still wants to be called Coach. Okay.

He says they never officially fired him. Oh, is that true? He says no one talked to me. Got it. Yeah. But anyway, he has sort of a funny idea. There's all these drones around. Sure.

And he's like, well, she can't see what we're doing. Let's tie the drones. They're just hovering? Yeah. Yeah. He said, let's tie the drums. They're just hovering? Yeah. He said, let's tie them to her feet. Oh, okay. Thinking, oh, we'll drag her out and the wheels will just roll her down the driveway or whatever. Uh-huh.

She gets tangled up in the engine. Sure. Mm-hmm. So then Lawrence goes, well, let's start the engine and blast her out Yeah He's always like an X's and O's guy Yes Very technical

Yeah that's right Yeah He's always coming up with adjustments Uh huh And It didn't work Oh Hey

Hey Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. But in New York this time. An insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacked hallways of this industry we call showbiz. I just have to find purchase here in my very high chair. Um, so... It's New York, it's the story... This is how I do the show.

When we're in the studio, we go like this. And for people listening, he's putting his feet up in a funny way. We're in the storied Casper Podcast Lounge. Such an honor to be playing at the Casper Podcast Lounge. Hayes and I came here early to just walk the floorboards and feel the history. Just the feet that have trod these boards. I don't get excited about this stuff. No, no, no.

I'm so over it. I'm so jaded. But there's certain things. And it takes you back to when the city was just all these like kind of underground podcast lounges yeah where like the cops would like raid these places they'd be doing these experimental podcasts

yeah it's fun it's very fun somebody messed up on the time slot very bad we're sorry about that this was supposed to be breakfast this was supposed to be messed up on the time slot very bad. We're sorry about that. This was supposed to be breakfast. This was supposed to be like a group breakfast.

Yeah. Prior to the show. And also, no one informed us. Obviously, we're LA guys. The time is all different. Yes. The way... So, I read about this. Yeah. So, I can explain this. Yeah. So I can explain this.

Please. When you're on the plane, it's like you are fast-forwarding. Like on a tape. Like you're fast-forwarding a tape. Yeah. So when you get to New York, it's like you're at the end of the tape.

And the tape starts over. Yes. But my brain is still at the other... So what this means for us is that in our heads, it's like 1 a.m. tomorrow. Tomorrow. So for us, it's hard to even do the show because we already did it yesterday. Yes. And had like a big lunch. So we're tired.

And the other events of the past day that we're dealing with. Exhausting. Mm-hmm. Bernie Sanders jumped off the flat iron. And I'm supposed to speak at this big thing for him. Yeah. In a few hours. Yeah.

At 4 a.m. Yeah. So. You were an unusual choice to do something like that because you don't agree with his policies

and didn't know who he was. Don't know who he is. Yeah. I know the bird thing. Yes. You liked that.

I liked it but I felt like he was kind of stealing my thing. Attracting birds? Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's tough for me to with the time difference

because as you know I also die in the intervening period between now and 1am yes that's right I go to pizza place for lunch and the guy is tossing the pizza dough

and it falls on my face, and I suffocate to death. Delicious. And so now, it's this dilemma. It's a joke I make when it happens. And I understand you doing Bernie Sanders' eulogy instead of, I don't want you to feel bad about it.

I'm glad I get the chance to tell you. Oh, you thought I would do yours? Not, I'm saying, I am fine with it. Yeah'm glad I get the chance to tell you. Oh, you thought I would do yours? I'm saying I'm fine with it. Yeah. So that's just the dole out. Do I avoid this scenario now or does potentially something even worse happen?

Because the way it goes down now is not that bad. It's pretty funny and it's pretty cool. Yes, I want to go out in sort of a cool way. Yeah. Like that. And I'm becoming one of the Doughboys as well.

So see if they one-up that. Yeah. They're, of course, doing an 8 p.m. show. Yeah. So all of this is just to say we're distracted. We don't want to do the show. It's not going to be a very good show. Yeah.

Thanks for coming, but also like what's going on? Yeah. Oh, and we have a major announcement to make. Yes, that's right. Do you want to do it? Okay. Okay. We would like to tell everyone here,

you're witnessing history. We have decided to be the number one podcast. We had been discussing this for a long time. We were going back and forth. I don't want it. Too much pressure. It's selfish. We were going back and forth. I don't want to. Too much pressure. It's selfish. We have so much else going on.

Yeah. But we talked to our loved ones, and we got a lot of support from them. And so we are going to become the number one podcast. We're going to do it today. Yep. We're going to do it starting right now. And I think probably within 20, 25 minutes, we'll be number one. Yeah.

And you get to watch because we love transparency and see-through stuff. Yeah. Like a spider web sort of. Yeah. You know? If a glass should be made of glass, not plastic. Yes. But anyway.

Some plastic is actually okay. Oh, clear plastic. Yeah. But anyway. Some plastic is actually okay. Oh, clear plastic. Yeah. Like this. The water bottle. Oh, if it's thin. Yeah. So you get to watch on the computer as we go all the way up.

Ascent. From whatever we are, like six or whatever we are now, to one. Yep. Yeah, six or five. And that should be good for the people listening at home. A lot of this is just going to be silently just hacking the computer. But that should be fun for them as well. But it's good.

You're part of the news. Yes. And so in order to sort of shepherd us into this new phase of our podcast career, we've brought our podcast guru, the main dude and best guy from Gimlet Media. Please welcome Alex Bloomberg. Hi, Alex. And we're shaking hands. Hi, Alex. It's official.

I like how you're narrating. You guys are professional podcasters. You're like telling everybody what you can't hear. No, no, you're good. Is this good? I'm surprised you're not number one already. it seems strange yeah it is it is it's honestly i mean there i see some really little kids in the front row but it is fucked up like it is no it's really bad yeah um alex we are excited to have you.

We were fans of yours when you were on this little American life of mine. And you betrayed them, left, took all your, burned your Rolodex and

took it for yourself. Money world. Wait, but first he did money world. Oh, yes, that's right. Yes, money world. Planet money. Like cool world, but for money. And you used that to learn how to steal money from Ira Glass. Right.

Use it to start your own podcast network. Yeah, basically. That's basically what happened. And so now you've become sort of a podcast network. Yeah, basically. That's basically what happened. And so now you've become sort of a podcast guru. Yeah. Did you, were you Adam Carolla's guy? Did you do Adam Carolla and Joe Rogan? Yeah, Rogan.

Rogan or Carolla? Neither one of them. I can't take credit for them. Not an option. Those would be great clients for you. Yeah, they do quite well. They're good. So how can I be helpful?

Well, we're... I mean... I guess we were hoping you would come with that. What's that? Just come with some ideas for how to be helpful. How do you get to number... Well, because we brought the computer. Yeah.

So if we're doing this, like if we're doing our part, can we initiate computer mode, please? Yeah. There we go. So everyone can see the computer? Mm-hmm. And this is my computer.

And we're going to want... So... I don't really want to say what the background is. Maybe you could just say what it... I don't like to talk about it that much. Well, your desktop picture, for the people who aren't here in the room with us and can't see it,

is E.T. Yes. E.T., famous movie about that kid trying to get a thing off his bike. Yes. So the reason this is my background is because I don't like seeing it that much, and so it makes me want to get to work really fast.

Yes. Very motivational. Because there he is, and he's very obviously threatening to burn me. I know. I know. He's really throwing you some shade with that look. Yes. He's mad at his fingers that lit cigar.

And so let's defeat E.T. and so we get rid of him and we don't touch the finger you know about how you move the finger is on this and you drag it and this is the clicker as well you know about that? and you can put the clicker up

E.T.'s nose but to sort of show him We don't do that We do it again but we don't really do that It's just not our kind of humor but do it one more time

I don't want to Are you asking me how do you use a trackpad? No, I'm telling you He's informing you But this is actually where I sort of hit a wall here. With using the trackpad?

No, I know how to do that. You've seen me put it up E.T.'s nose multiple times. Why'd I throw my water? Wait, I don't understand. I know how to use the... When you get up and go to work, you open your computer,

there's E.T., and you're like, whoa, don't want to see that. I want E.T. to go... And then you just move the cursor around. And then what do you do? That's what I want to know. Because, well, here's the thing that is weird to me. Usually all my little guys are down there at the bottom. Computer, well, here's the thing that is weird to me. Usually all my little guys are down there at the bottom.

Computer, activate iTunes. They're hopping up and down saying, open me. But today I don't see them. Activate iTunes. Computer. Alright. You know I own my own company. It's being mean. What, Alex? How did you open your own company. It's being mean. What, Alex?

How did you open your own company without knowing how to open a computer? All right, so you just got to get the... All right, we're really going there, huh? Okay, you got to... Hayes showed you that. If you drag it down here... Hayes showed you what you're doing right now. It sometimes moves around.

Oh, is yours on the right? There it is. All right, there we go. It's always moves around. Oh, is yours on the right? There it is. All right, there we go. It's always sneaking around. And what happened? He found my little guy. All right, I'm not going to do it for you. I'm going to teach you to fish.

I'm not going to fish for you. Okay. So do you see the iTunes? Do you see the iTunes? Yeah, it's a book. It's the book of music. It's not the book. It has music.

What denotes music? Do you see any icon that denotes music on that sidebar there that we found? I guess F is a note in music. Oh, see, look, I'll give you a hint. Keynote music. No, no. When you roll the cursor over it, the name comes up next to it.

So all you have to do is find the name that says the word iTunes. And I saw it before. Oh, good. I I saw it before. Yeah, oh good. I did see it earlier. And now I do use, I do utilize the clicker now. Right. Right? And I hold it all the way down or I just do

the little ones? Smash it. Okay. Smash it. Finish him. Ha ha! Wait, Alex, what's wrong? I think you just did it too fast. I did? I smashed it too hard? Alright, now do it again. Now it's making it tighter.

Now that I'm thinking about it, it's getting tighter. Hayes already hurt himself trying to do this. I haven't been doing this too hard already. Sorry, I got impatient. Now there's Nikki Glaser on the iTunes page. So now I know I'm not safe. All right.

And I want to big in this. So now we're in the iTunes store. Okay. Which is where a lot of podcasts can be found. Yes. Podcasts. And now where's some of your stuff? So I think if you go to If you go to the

So if you want to look at the top podcast You can scroll down Do you know how to scroll? There you go Okay, yeah There you go It is fun And there you go

And if you hit See on the right there It says top audio podcast Yeah, yeah, yeah And smash it? And smash it again Yeah Oh no

Oh no Something big came up Uh oh We didn't think this through, did we? Hmm. Now we're going to have to get into Wi-Fi passwords. Computer!

Internet! Well, this interim, while we try to figure out what computers are, would be a great time to talk about how honored we are again to be in the Casper Podcast Lounge. The only podcast lounge sponsored by a company that gave free mattresses to every other podcast host. Do we have any Casper people here? Do we have some Casper people in the house? That's what I thought.

Okay. I wouldn't think they'd want to look me in the eye. Just based on their business model, which is have us do ads and give everyone else mattresses. Give everyone else the mattress. Okay. Hey, wow, Hayes. It went up. All right.

And Alex, it is up now. Alex, and you see that. All right, so now let's find you guys. Okay. What did you guys say you were? Okay. Now, is this in order or this is random? Well, see the numbers next to the ones?

Yeah, are those random? If you look at number one is a podcast called Stuff You Should Know. See the numbers next to the ones? Yeah, are those random? If you look at number one, it's a podcast called Stuff You Should Know. That's kind of like us. Number two is the podcast where I worked for 15 years, This American Life. This little American life of mine.

I remember they used to be number ones, but then you left, and it must have not... Exactly. It took a little tumble, I guess. Stuff you should know, guys. Dinged them. Kicked them off the top. Let's see. What else is up here? There's Joe Rogan.

Yeah, sure. Okay. It says Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs is number 20. I know that's wrong. This is old. Okay, well... I don't think it is. So we're up to 40 now.

I don't see myself. Let's keep going. Do we want to split up this screen so we look at the different parts of it as we scroll down so we don't miss anything? And so maybe you at the different parts of it as we scroll down so we don't miss anything. And so maybe you take the left,

Alex, I'll take the middle, and Sean will take the right. Okay, I'm on the right? So where does it stop? Does it stop at the points guy? Wait, stop. Okay. So you found us, Alex. No, no, no. I have a question. What's the name of your podcast? Oh.

Oh, right. That's right. We forgot to tell you about that. It's called Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handle? Handbook. Handbook. Not to be confused with Hollywood Babylon.

Hollywood Handbook? Handbook. Handbook. Yes. What's it about? We don't know, really. It's how you describe the kicking butt and dropping names on the red carpet linebacker. How is this industry? We call it show.

But wait. Sorry. We'll get back to this. This will help us, I think, ultimately, if I know a little bit more about your podcast. Sean? No, Sean. Sorry. He said Sean. He pointed at Sean. Because he knew

our names. Are you... Are you... Are you... Are we doing this... The podcast called Hollywood Handbook is the podcast that we're doing right now? Well, yeah. I think so.

And this gets to the heart of some confusion I've had for a long time. Why am I your guest then? What do you mean? Because I don't have anything to do with Hollywood. Right, okay. Uh-huh. Right.

Well, don't sell yourself short. I've seen some TV shows. Yes. That were probably made in Hollywood. That's a good place to start. Are you friends with Shark Tank's billionaire investor, Chris Saka? That's true. Case closed.

Seems like a tenuous connection. Can you zip that up? Sorry, I noticed you're wearing a Reply All t-shirt, and now I see it. It's on the top, and it's a little higher than that. His shirt's on the screen. I'm sorry, when I say up, I want it to be closed. I do not want like this, you know, for you to come here

and be a walking billboard for your own show while we're trying to do our show. Especially now that I see that it's not as high. Okay, Hollywood playbook. I'm looking for it. Alright, so. Okay, so you are taking the left. I'm taking the left, this side. So. Okay. So you are taking the left. I'm taking the left. This side.

Okay. Yes. And what am I seeing? Let's call things out as we. What are these memes? Let's see. Myths and legends. Bill Simmons.

WTF. Star Trek. Playa Rosh. A mystery show. There's another one of ours. Bill Maher. Start up. There's another one of ours.

Mystery show. Mystery show is about the pickup artist. Let's see. A lot of peacocking tips. New Yorker. Hashtag Girlboss Radio. Hashtag Girlboss Radio. King Body Podcast. Yeah, the Kino Body.

Kino Body, yeah. Okay, that looks good. Can I bookmark something? Surprisingly awesome. That's one of ours also. We've got four. Car Talk is on there. Let's see. We've got four. Car Talk is on there. That's good. Ear Biscuits.

Slate's Trumpcast. What are we on? I meant 191. KFC. Oh, the Goldman Sachs podcast. So that's on there around 193. So go back up because we must be above that. Yeah, that's right.

We must have missed it. And Alex, did you... Your left. You were looking at the left hand. Was it the left two columns or three columns? Well, let's trade. I'll do the left. And we'll just go back through it.

And Alex, this time you take the right, which... I don't have any questions about the right. I actually read it. The left three columns, or four. The right? I mean, sorry, the right. It's okay. It's okay. I think we should give Alex two, and we take the other four. I can't do half. Okay.

Okay. Okay. So there's Planet Money. That's the show I started. Serialial love it yeah okay Nickelodeon animation podcast sure Guys We

uh Sword and Scale Ant oh there's there's Startup again that's another one of our podcasts Comedy Bang Bang yeah

I know that guy uh uh Brains On Donald Cowboy Surround the Jocko Podcast Car Talk

So much of this feels like kind of what we do I know And I also see a lot of people who have been on our show Oh, Hello from the Magic Cavern, that's a really funny show Oh yeah, is that good? Oh good I'm happy for them So what I'm thinking is there's been a horrible mistake.

Because I'm not seeing our show. Is it on pause because we're doing it right now? Right. Do we have to shut this off and then it'll go on there? I don't think you're in the top 200. Okay. But I have an idea Because they also break it out by category Yeah, okay

Is there one for smartness? Great question Or what about cool nice guys who love to have fun? Well, if you had to give Hollywood Playbook a subject let's just have it be that

right and this question goes to you Hayes if it was you just be Hayes now what would it... You just be hazed now. What would it... Yes. What would you call this?

How would you define this subject area? Like, is it a... Indubitably. Is it a personal fitness podcast? Is it personal fitness? It's not just that. I hate to limit us this way. Entrepreneurship, anything?

Spirituality, we definitely cover. All right, so should we look at the spirituality? I think that is a category. Okay, I mean, do we want to check for spirituality? All right, so yeah, there you go. Oh, you're getting... mean, do we want to check for spirituality? All right. Yeah, there you go. Alex, do you know that... religion's killed more people than all wars combined? Okay.

Have you ever learned that? From Ricky Gervais or from anyone? I'm sorry. That religion has killed more people than all wars combined. And diseases. And falling down the stairs. And now, to Sean at this point, this is

not necessarily a bad thing. No. Well, they're fighting for a just cause. Christ's love. Now, so this is now a whole new Christ's love Now So this is now a whole new list Are these in order?

These are in order also So this is the top of the charts For all the podcasts that are categorized As religion and spirituality Which you say would be an appropriate category Oh we cover a bunch of that Okay A lot of these guys look like me.

Sort of shiny on top and like a bushy white beard. And a lot of these women look like my teachers. Okay, I'm scrolling. I did think there would be more ghost stuff in here. Word on fire sermons. What a hip young way to reach people. Hollywood.

There's not even really the word Hollywood. No, I'm not seeing our word, and I wonder if maybe they had trouble spelling it. There are 200 of these. 200 of these? Yeah. So we're all the way... Flower Mound Women's Bible Study. No, that's not us.

Sounds a bit... Wow. Off color. Calvary Albuquerque? Is that us? It's not. What other category could we be in? Because, well, let me explain a little bit about our show.

We're really cool, nice, funny. We love to have fun. We're smart. We're teaching you. We're being nice. We have a ton of friends. Girls like us. And just like what the show has, The show has good parts,

games, laughing, excitement. There's good parts. There's funny stuff. Facts about knowledge. It's friendly. We're your friends. Can I ask a couple other questions? There are a lot of podcasts that are

nice, trying to be friendly, trying to be funny. Individually, but not all at the same time. In one show, Alex? Well, let me ask some other questions. Again, for people who maybe don't see you. What gender are you guys? We're boys. Dudes.

Yeah. And I don't want to get too specific, so forgive me if this is prying, but what race are you? He's one- 8th Native American. And I'm his friend. And he's never made me feel bad about that. Does that ever come up? My being 1 8th Native American? In my head sometimes, yeah, but I never say anything.

But I always wonder if he's going to put some kind of hex on me. And in fairness, I've considered it. Okay. All right. So, all right. So, you guys are being nice, doing some comedy. Yeah. You're both dudes.

combined, you're one and seven eighths white. Mostly white. Yeah, sure. Is there anything else like that? Well, let's see. Okay. Go to the top? Mm-hmm.

Explore the top again? Yeah. Okay. I think we need another category. Okay. Is there any that's like, it's a gas? Music, that's the opposite of podcasts. Get it off of here.

Five. Oh, speaking of music, I forgot to introduce myself. I was going to, instead of saying I'm Sean, I was going to go, hey, I'm Becky with the good hair. Oh, that's good. Do you guys know? That got a huge pop. I was worried that wouldn't play

because I know it's like an LA thing. Yeah, yeah, no. Hey, that's Hayes and I'm Becky with the good hair. Imagine this is our answer to lemonade. Imagine No, I'm Sean.

So, Alex, you've seen half our show now. What category would you put it under? All right, let's see. So, arts, business, not really business. I can't draw, so not arts. So bad. Comedy is usually sort of funny. Yeah. Oh! No, this is pretty funny. Funny is one sort of funny. Yeah.

Oh! Funny is one of the things. It's pretty funny. Yeah, that's one of the things we've said. Yeah, let's try that one. Let's take a peek. Okay. Uh-huh.

Huh. Well, I do see a lot of my friends, so we might be in the right area. Let's see. Alex, do you ever make it weird? Okay. I like, yeah. Wait, why didn't we see you made it weird in spirituality?

Let's see. Okay, you got Joe Rogan, The Read. Who's got which column? Oh, there's Hello from the Magic Tavern. That's a really funny podcast. You've mentioned that all the time. You seem to like that one.

The Church of What's Happening Now with Joey Coco Diaz. I understand why that's above us. Improv nerd with Jimmy Curry. Comptown, that sounds good. Spunt! Ah, the Doughboys! Ah, the Doughboys. Okay.

And we just keep going. We're into the low 100s now. Premium Pete show. But you made it where it wass now. Premium Pete show. Okay. But you made it where it was up there. Never Not Funny. There's Tom.

There's Bessha. Okay. 156. I hate to ask this. Are these in order? Oh, wait. Oh, there you are. Yes.

Oh, good. Yeah, that's what the clapping was for, Alex. Sorry, I don't usually do this. When there's clapping, that means someone saw us. Okay, I will say, on the bright side, we are one ahead of the bitch Bible. So we're just barely edging out the bitch Bible. So we're just barely edging out the bitch Bible. We are a couple behind the Daily Show podcast without Jon Stewart, which doesn't appear to be maintained that regularly.

Okay. So what is your prescription, I guess, Dr. Podcast, for defeating all of these other shows and becoming the best one? Well, I don't, let's see. There's not really one thing that you could do. There was just a playbook that you could follow. No pun intended. What? You know, just everybody would do it, right?

Yeah. So, what I know about warfare from Sun Tzu is that often I don't need to necessarily defeat my enemy if I can turn him against my other enemy. Or her, in the case of Bitch Sesh.

Should we put bitch in our name? Yes, that seems like number one. Right. Ah! Whoa. What happened? Computer. Resize.

It'll come back. Well, let's, I mean... We were talking about renaming ourselves the Hollywood Bitch Book. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think maybe we could sort of look at the ones that are at the top. Okay. Okay. And maybe you could try to do what they're doing.

Okay, great. I mean, that's one way of thinking about it. We do what they're doing. Okay, great. I mean, that's one way of thinking about it. The nerdist, we do that already. Yeah, we do love nerd stuff. Oh, look at that. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Okay. It's number four.

That's an NPR show. Yeah, all right. So, okay. So, ask me anything. They have guests. I'm an open book, Alex. What do you want to know? Well.

How did you get into podcasts in the first place? Oh, wow. Yeah. And we're not moving. You say, wait, wait,

don't tell me, I guess. Oh, right. Wait, wait wait don't tell me I guess oh right wait wait don't tell me and then I don't understand where it would go from there well either someone's very disrespectful and does tell you in which case that's not nice which is not what we do

or they honor the request. Hound tall. I'm seeing... What is going on? I have a proposition, and I'm just floating this. Okay. I'm seeing Kevin Smith on here a lot.

Uh-huh. Mmm. Do you guys know him? No, we don't. No, would love to get in that circle. I'm just floating this out. Not a joke about him being round. It wasn't.

That did occur to me. It wasn't. I saw the other day he was kicked off a plane again for his size. Is there a legal precedent for his size. Is there a legal precedent for kicking him off iTunes? That's all. It's just a question.

And Hayes has his pilot license. I do have a pilot license. Yes. So for safety, just for safety reasons, could we kick him off of iTunes? And for a similar reason, he's taking up too many spots. Right.

So you're going to sue your way to the top. I don't know. Would that work? Well, let's see. I'm trying to think of anything. Should we become patent trolls? That would be an interesting strategy. I mean, patent troll is kind of a mythical figure.

Maybe that ties in with your hello from the magic tavern you're obsessed with. Yes, that you love so much. What is Hollywood Roadmap's legal budget? Legal budget? Yeah. The whole budget for the show is tied up right now. It's not that there isn't one. It's that it's sort of invested in places where it hasn't come home yet.

Yes. We're just not very liquid at this time. My speaking fee, is that part of that? Yes. Because that's not coming? Mm-hmm. Yes. Because that's not coming home. One piece. Where else is it invested?

Well, okay. Getting personal. Wait, wait, don't tell me. That's okay. All right. Do you remember a car called the Edsel from history books I think we want to open a restaurant

in that car oh a restaurant in a car it's a chain of restaurants inside cars. Because a lot of them are not being used. Yes. So you would drive your car. They don't move.

No, no, I know. But you presumably would drive your car to the restaurant and then get out of your car and then get into another car and have your meal. And don't worry about need a pause. To the restaurant and then get out of your car and then get into another car and have your meal. And don't worry about making a mess. Yeah. And clean it up. Oh, God. Yes, of course. But there's towels and stuff.

Well, you could do it like that's sort of part of the ambiance. You know, it's just like, you know, your actual car where like there's like wrappers and stuff in the floor. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't mean to tell you your business. No, please. Anything. I don't mean to tell you your business. No, please, anything. Sounds like a brilliant investment. That's so much further than we got.

Okay, yeah. So no legal budget, I guess is what you're saying. No. Not exactly. We know a video game lawyer. Yes, we are friends with a video game lawyer. And some video games are on the computer. He is right here.

He's in the front row. So that's a bad sign. I actually feel like we should maybe cut ties with him. A really good video game lawyer wouldn't be able to be here. Yes. Is he? And the clothes, I would say, as well, are sort of not what I was hoping for a video game lawyer. I haven't played video games recently,

but there's lawyers in them? In this one, that's really... He goes around with a gavel or something, and he's bashing people on the head, bad guys. That's really weird. They have gotten very realistic. Prairie Home Companion. Okay, is that us?

No. Well, can we just sort of do, let's just pick a show. Yeah. All right. And we'll just do what they do even better. And then we'll appear where they are. Yes.

We'll watch us replace them. Okay. That sounds good. Oh, you know what would be really easy to do right now? What? Beautiful stories with anonymous people. That would be great. There's so many anonymous people here.

Yes. Someone tell me a beautiful story. Do we want to get someone up to tell a beautiful story? Does anyone want to tell us a beautiful story? There's one in the back. Get up here, you stranger. Oh, look at this shy, anonymous person in the back. Let's fix his life.

Yes. What are your struggles? And please don't say your name. Oh, I'm diabetic. That's my struggle, diabetes. Oh, okay. He's diabetic. Can we get him to sit a little farther?

I'm sorry. I've got a joke. He's a little close to me. It's a big couch. You're on a big couch. We don't have to be right up on the edge of me, please. But I have something. Ready? You and me together, we're going to

diabetes this thing. That's great. And now that should be going away. A beautiful llama should be disappearing. Have you started moving up? That was a good joke. Yeah, let's see. And it's... Did we go away?

We might have gone down. 156. Is that the same as it was? Yeah, you're still behind Race Wars. I don't have number retention. Okay, and I don't want to blame this guy. I don't even know who he is. Yeah.

Well, that wasn't the full story. Okay. Oh, so you think that there's more to it. You want to dig in more with dudes? Yeah, you're a journalist. We have finally stumbled upon my expertise, I guess. Okay. Which is storytelling.

Okay. Tell me about your Jimi Hendrix t-shirt yeah I like vintage t-shirts and it has a nice tattered quality that makes it seem like maybe I was at one of the shows like back in the day so I want to kind of give off that impression

when I go to podcast tapings and then I raise my hand and then I get it like shown off I look pretty cool somehow sadder than the other thing. He's admitted to being a sneak. Still there. Yeah, you're not moving the needle. That's not doing it, huh?

It must be balancing out somehow. I mean, okay. So what do... Is there another show we should do? Let's see. What's up there now? He's not leaving. Well...

Hmm. What? Uh... We could become two-dub queens. What? Hmm. I mean, what? We could become two dope queens. I'm nervous about that. Me too. That makes me nervous for us to be two dope queens.

Okay. Well, just try it. You do one dope queen, and if I'm feeling it, I'll jump in. Okay. Or Alex can. That's, I think, a good idea. Alex, do you want to be both dope queens? Oh, that would be so good for us, Alex. Or you and our anonymous friend here, would you like to be a dope queen?

Yeah, we've got two dope queens, and we'll kind of be spectators. Yes, that could be really good. I'm more the consultant. What are we paying for Alex? Okay The basement yard with Joe Santagato I have a guess at what that could be like

And I feel like that's an ethnic affectation I could do without being offensive. I'm always willing to hear what you have. Okay. There's like a clanking sound of me dropping weights. And then it's... Hey, welcome to the basement yard.

It's a show where me and my bro sit around and we talk about what's going on in the neighborhood. Pass me my lunch pail. That's good. I was really in it for a minute. Yeah, I could tell. I was way in there. Yeah.

Do you want to lie down, Anonymous? Oh, yes. Tell us about the Casper mattress. Would you mind putting on some of those Casper slippers? They're somewhere around here. No, they're on the other side. Oh, yeah, you got them. He's got them.

Yeah, put on some slippers. Don't try on my shades. You deserve a little break. No such thing as a fish is more popular than us. I think that's a British podcast. Like, if there's any... Oh, that could be good.

British, all they do is eat fish. They're across the side. They're across the pond. Oh, I have a note of fish then. It's a show where people will explain to me about fish. Just... Just chips for me. Great.

These are so good. Because there's no such thing as a fish. I don't understand. Yes, because there's no such thing. You would only want chips. So then you'd only get chips. And I really went somewhere for that one. How did you come up with that?

I blacked out. You know, where was Sean? I was Cecil. So many people, by the way, that we've had, like, there's Paul Scheer and the Gilmore guys and Grace Helbig and Chris Gethard and all these people

who are MP'd homes and all these people that are very, like, best friends with us. Have we been launching them to the top of this and we're the trampoline? That's what's going on. You launched those guys? In a way. Okay.

Let's see. Let's try one more. Okay. You want to go all the way up there? Let's shoot lower. There's guys we effed. I mean, is that dangerous for us too? Now I'm really starting to see these kids in the front room.

Right. Right, when we're going to talk about guys we effed. Yeah, I guess. I mean, yeah. I'll go first. Me. That's it? That's my list so far.

Okay. My Gym teacher. That's not doing it. Hmm. Well, okay. How about this? Who cares about being number one? How about, yes, it was, yes, the whole thing was that it was

making a joke. You didn't fall for it, did you, Alex? Oh, oh, oh, Alex, you actually thought we wanted to be number one? Right, like we're gonna be number one. Come on, too much pressure. Oh, that's so sweet, Alex. The we're going to be number one. Come on, too much pressure. Oh, that's so sweet, Alex. The show's supposed to be

fun, not a competition. That's really sweet of you. Alex, you rube. So you were saying you're happy where you are? What is it, 150? 156. 156, yeah.

Yeah, that rounds up to, well. Is that when you say it out loud, like, I'm number 156. Does that feel good? I say that? You want me to say that? Well, see how it feels. I mean, I think it's the only way to tell. One of your characters?

Yeah. Oh, wow. Who haven't we explored yet? Well, I couldn't get enough of that British accent, but, you know, it does just me. All right. I'm number 156, me mate. How did that feel? So, I was not loving having to say 56 at the end.

Yes. For a second, I could see that you felt really good. It was going great for a minute. Well, wait. Just say it again and just take your time getting to the 56. Yeah, and this time it's, I'll be Australian. Hey. I'm number one.

56, me mate. Worse. Sadder. Hey, you were pointing out a bunch of shows that you had on the top 200. Yeah. Do we do one of those? Do we do like an Alex Blumberg

show? Because we're in this... Oh damn, that's so twisted, Hayes. Wait a minute. Right in front of him? You're insane! Because we have

this thing. We're sitting on this thing. Yeah, we've already got it. We've already got it. We're like not using what we've got. He already thinks we're paying him. So, Alex. Yes. How diverse is Gimlet?

Not super diverse. Yeah, could be more. And then is that shooting us up? Yeah. You do a thing on your show sometimes where it's like, you're like, is this on? You know, like the guy's recording the thing, or you're like in your bed.

Maybe we could do a show where we pretend we're in Alex Blumberg's bed. Because you'll be like, I'm recording this really late at night. No, I do that sometimes. And the trick with that is that you have to be you have to actually be very, very vulnerable.

And really sort of bare your soul about what you're afraid of. What you feel like you've screwed up. And should I be getting more colds? What? I think he's worried that you have a cold. What? Isn't it often that you're recording and it sort of sounds like you're a little under the weather?

that you're recording in, it sort of sounds like you're a little under the weather. I think that's just the way it sounds. Okay. Do you want to try it? So we try it where we're like, okay. Should I get in the bed? Yeah, I think so.

We can both do it. There is a little blanket here. I guess I can sort of coach you. So we'll lie down on the Casper mattress. It's so good that we have a bed here. Now, I want to get you... Okay, and Alex can tuck us in. And our anonymous friend should come, too.

Yeah. All right. Can you bring the other... I think we need another blanket. Mm-hmm. All right. Can we double blanket this mother? Huh?

Oh, yeah. It's really late at night. I need you to hold my microphone here. Hold on a second. Oh, yeah. Do I sound like two dudes? Little mic joke. When I tuck my daughter in, she likes it. Ooh, make me a little burrito, yes.

Are you toasty? Okay, good. Or like a wrap wrap so you guys are both lying on the mattress bed yes all right now so now i want you to really get in touch i you want to it's all right so it's early morning i'm going to give you a scene are you familiar with like sort of actors that you got to sort of get into the role are you familiar oh wait hollywood yes hollywood road road map right so so you um what's happening right now to get into the role. Are you familiar with that? Oh, Hollywood. Hollywood roadmap. Right. So you, what's happening right now, I want you to get in touch.

It's early morning. You haven't been able to sleep. You haven't been able to sleep very well. You're worried. You have a lot of fears. You have a lot of anxieties. I want you to get deep

in touch with those. I'm in my bed? Okay. Okay. It's early in the morning. I'm very scared of my girlfriend, Carrie Ann Moss. She sleeps with her eyes open.

Slow down, slow down. Okay. So I'm awake, but I have to pretend I'm asleep for another hour or else my dad will wake up. That's good. What are you afraid of? That he's going to be pissed.

Kick me out of his basement. Have you, because you've screwed up in some way? A lot of ways. What? I try to do a podcast. I don't really know what they are I'm scared that people will find out that the show is not a success that we are

not compensated that we were flown out here, which is nice. But maybe when we showed up that the hotel didn't have a room for me. Did that really happen? Also, one thing that happened is so my mom came to the show

and stayed in the same hotel so when I gave them my name, they went like, are you Catherine? And I went, no, I'm Sean. And they were like, you should have been Catherine. Because you don't have a room. And how did that make you feel? Small.

And also, for a long time, on the website for Vulture Fest, the Hollywood Handbook page was just a picture of Sean. And how did that make you feel? Kind of good. I guess I

don't know. I was scared of being on there, I guess. Did it feel good because you feel like that's what you deserve? I guess I kind of on there, I guess. Is that... Did it feel good because you feel like that's what you deserve? I guess I kind of just want to become invisible. I got scared Hayes wasn't going to show up. So... And also, you know, Dracula's Frankensteins.

Frankensteins, Wolfman's... The Mummy. The Mummy. Creatureins, Wolfman. The Mummy. The Mummy. Creature from Black Lagoon. All manner of zombies. Draculas. Basically everyone. Is that good?

Does that feel like, are we number one now? I don't know. What do you guys think? Was that working? Alex trying to end the show. Oh, no. I was like, Drew's just trying to get some feedback. How did it feel for you guys? I do kind of want to stay here.

Just to experience the mattress was pretty fulfilling. Yeah. You would think I wouldn't have to fly to New York and... And do a show for it, but... You know, everyone's different. Should we check in with our anonymous friend? Yeah, what's going on for you? How are your vitals?

Oh, pretty good. I'm still alive for now, and that's how I just take every hour. So you didn't kill him? Mm-hmm. That's pretty good. And it's almost time to wrap up I think

yeah I think so too you want me to wrap up the show Alex thought that he was going to wrap you up wrap me up in a blanket and that's why he's the best I was like you're tucked in pretty good I don't know how much more wrapping you want

no I meant freestyle rap like you're tucked in pretty good. I don't know how much more rapping you want. No, I meant freestyle rap. At the end of every show we wrap it up and just go ahead and we'll drop a beat on you, Alex, and you just take us out. Remember Becky with the good hair? But honestly, I'm done.

I don't want to do this anymore. Did anyone fly a really long way to get here? Oh yeah, did somebody fly from far away? What do you think is far? Eight hours from Pittsburgh on the bus. Okay, that's... The question was flying.

The question was flying. The question was flying. Eight hours from Pittsburgh on the bus, we heard. Guy thinks he flew on a bus. Was it a Peter Pan bus? Is that why you got confused? Nailed it. Dude is toast. Anybody want to sweep that pile of ashes off his chair?

Used to be a human there. One fan down. Who's next? Who's next? Who else wants to taste our wrath? I know Sean's mom flew from pretty far away. Should we roast her next? She'll be fine.

Let's not. That's my mommy. Now, who's got their hand up? What's up? You raise your hand in a peace sign, huh? Chicago. In the house. Chicago.

Is in the house. Is in the house, okay. You know we flew from house. Chicago. Is in the house. Is in the house, okay. You know we flew from LA. So. So we won something today. We're number one at something, which is making the most effort to get into this room.

And we want to thank everyone which is making the most effort to get into this room. And we want to thank everyone who paid like $35 or something to see something you could have listened to in a slightly worse version than normal. And you got any shout outs or anything Hayes Alex you want to pump reply all again there's a show later today

that I don't think is sold out like ours is if you'd like to funnel a couple tickets to that show you know you've got podcast fans there is a show later today a a live version of Reply All, one of the shows that's on our network. This is the T-shirt.

Yeah, check that out. That's later today. It's in this room. Is it in this room? Yeah. In the podcast lounge? Mm-hmm. So there's a blanket up here you could hide under.

So there's a blanket up here you could hide under. I feel like there should be a visual that you guys are both lying in bed right now with handheld mics. Yeah, that would have helped to set up at the top of this, I guess. Oh, yeah, for somebody listening who hasn't known the whole time. Yeah. We can put this up at the top. Do you have any shout-outs you want to do, anonymous stranger? Yeah, anybody you want to make famous? Oh, yeah, I just want to shout-out to old Bernie Sanders,

who I'm not voting for him, but I can give him a shout-out. Oh, so now we know why he jumped off the flat iron building later today. He didn't say why. He just furiously took the stairs And leapt off the top Because anonymous stranger Wasn't voting for him After his beautiful story Bye

Bye Bye. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. Hey, quick, don't turn the podcast off. I know you probably left it on by accident, but I'm Arnie Niekamp from Hello from the Magic Tavern. This is what's going on. About a year ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the fantastical land of Foon. I'm joined by my co-host,

a talking badger, and a magical wizard. I am Usador, a blue wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesias. His name goes on a lot longer than that, but we don't have time for it. We interview adventurers, magical creatures, talking animals, and we talk about buttholes a lot.

I apologize for that. If that sounds interesting, download Hello from the Magic Tavern. Aye, and then you can join me in my quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Correct, Donald? Correct. Download it on Earwolf, and the entire back catalog is also on the How app. Earwolf! This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman,

Adam Sachs, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. That was a HeadGum Podcast.