Hollywood Handbook - Alex Goldman, Our Reply All Friend

Episode Date: October 20, 2020

The Boys welcome Alex Goldman to the show to buy Reply All's assets and do a viral episode.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. what is it that's the fucking music man it's the sound but i i was so stiff why are you so uptight dude like i know come on dude groove with me man this is what i know it's the music i know it's the music i don't understand what it is fucking vibe together man but you're. I don't understand what it is. We used to just get in the fucking vibe together, man. But you're... I don't know what happened. It's like you got a suit of armor on. Like, come on, man.

Take the armor off. Be vulnerable. Dance with me. I am being vulnerable. I'm asking questions. I'm curious. I'm asking questions. I don't understand what it is.

It doesn't make any sense to me. The show... I don't know what the fuck it is either, man. It sounds like shit. It sounds insane it's like so it's like a robot having an orgasm or something and and not a very pretty one either you know how you can tell when a chick's not faking it alex is when she makes it ugly face right it's like if it looks too pretty man that shit's just a show for you hey man i gotta do some stand-up about i do want to hear i do want to hear from alex okay fine alex do you

have any stand-up about come because no i i i want to hear about this like oh fine fine i do want to get into this we have i'll just say well to the Hollywood Handbook. Turning off my mic. An insider's guide. Don't turn off your mic. Mic's off. Alex Goldman is here on Hollywood Handbook. We are here on business. We have been authorized by Sirius XM Radio to sort of buy up distressed assets from other podcasts. Alex Goldman.

Yes. That's me. The man with the golden man name that's true you are from the show talk about this talk about the show that's the song the song that titled ugly robot orgasm first say the show oh okay the show is called reply all it is a podcast um we're we've we've stumbled upon hard times yeah turning my mic back on like email off again and that's right yeah that's right so i guess you guys are here to you know pick over our corpse and just sort of do whatever you want and this was the uh the alex blumberg icarus of the podcast community he uh thought that he could build something on his

own and avoid the inevitable like corporate consolidation and now he he is financially completely destitute, and we are here to buy up some of the garbage that is floating around his podcast network. And whether it's a theme song and whether it's recurring segments or specific episodes, we're going to... Turning it back on. Mic back on.

First things first. Zach Braff's wardrobe from alex inc we know this is in a storage locker somewhere i must have this clothing it looks like we're close to the same size and even if not just to have it would be a pretty big power move when i can you tell that you guys are approximately the same size because when i stand in front of the tv and i put my body in the same position as him i totally cover him and match him exactly in every scene no not in every scene sometimes he's like sitting down or sometimes he's underwater and he's too far away he's small yeah sometimes he's huge look the camera moves yeah he could be he could be ant-man sized or he could be

ant-man when he's really big sized you have no idea yeah or ant-man when he's normal size yeah or when he's not even being ant-man or sean clements being scott right is that his name i have no idea alex kevin ant-man's name uh yeah it is scott good name now what's this scott lang what's this song uh well it is a song written by the mysterious breakmaster cylinder you may may be able to buy uh that person who who does a lot of our music okay but they're mysterious i've never met them i don't know who they are so i don't know they're elusive okay and they did this it doesn't sound and they did this it sounds a little like computers but it doesn't sound enough like computers to me well i mean i think i characterized it pretty accurately before when i said it sounds like a robot freaking busting off one

and then i was about to do some stand-up about cum but apparently that's like not part of the show anymore if you had sean doing his like uh beep boop scatting over it maybe that so exactly if it if we had that a little bit like the freaking soprantos where where the Tommy Sopranos driving around and, and it's going like that. There's pizza. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They're like, well, and the other thing the Sopranos do that is not doing in this song is they're talking about a gun, which makes me feel like, okay, I'm about to get into some fucking shit right here.

But yours is literally just like, beep, beep, boop, boop. It's like, what are we, let's drop some fucking lyrics over this damn thing where we're like, hey, hey, would there be a better time

than right now? Do you want it to be about a gun or do you want it to be about, to be about robots to make it sound more like a computer? be about a gun or do you want it to be about uh to be about robots to make it sound more like a computer what about a robot computer gun could be about a computer gun computer gun okay do you want sean do you want to do lyrics over the theme about a computer that is a gun yeah do you know what the one computer that I can think of that's a gun is Megatron.

So do you want to do it about Megatron? Actually, my friend Hayes already set me up for like pretty sick lyric session. So I don't necessarily need you to like stick your freaking dipstick into this thing and swirl it around for me. I'm sorry. I was trying to rush. So I'll just do my computer gun and then if you want to do megatron afterwards we'll see if you even are not embarrassed to try sure okay now i'm scared because he seems pretty confident about what his is gonna be here we go Look out! Computer gun coming!

Uh-oh! Hang on! Let me press the escape key, the trigger. This makes you escape from life, cause the trigger shoots the gun. I'm a computer, I'm having fun, you're escaping from life by dying. Push! Push-push-push! Push-push-push! Shoot, shoot, shoot, push, push, push,

shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. Bullets are microchips. Watch out. Good job. That was really interesting. It also made me really think about, I like, you know, I see a computer, I got to open it up and like see what's inside

and like mess around a little bit. See if I can optimize it, you know? And the way that... Optimus prime is also a transformer yeah but you said before that megatron was a gun not that he was a transformer i don't know i'm just thinking like that had me fucked up too i was fucked up off that i'm just thinking about synergy like you could maybe if you could sort of make this a crossover you know the transformers franchise it's like bill it's like a billion dollars well synergy is not part of the transformers franchise synergy is part of jim and the holograms um remember look i'm really just trying to make synergy make it look like the car's on fire touching her earring yeah I remember that I just hope the thing that I'm hoping is just like

I can make the thing that I'm trying to offload onto you seem more valuable by associating it with with the transformers which is an incredibly valuable franchise because right now I'm I you you have to like wrap over it in order to make it worth your while it's true but now we've invented something right that is like potentially a way to take this product and turn it into something that people would actually buy which is a computer that is a gun where you type in on the numbers the number of shooting that you want to do and then you hit escape so that the person that you're shooting at will escape yes yes so i don't know if you caught this so this is sort of subtly woven into the lyrics but the escape key which is a computer key

and I just touched on it just barely sort of hinted at this the escape key is actually the trigger for the computer gun and why is that because they're escaping from being of life

and other key you know like delete key deletes your life uh-huh return key makes you return to heaven the space bar sends you to fucking outer space with a big shooting so think about that how about i shift your ass from alive to dead the option key gives you the option to go to heaven or hell believe me i'm gonna when i hit return you return to the earth what about like the m key what does that do murder you murders what about the well okay let me try something a little harder what about that q key quiets you through murder yeah it makes it makes your body really quiet from murder yeah from having murder i didn't expect this to get so violent so quickly bust a caps lock is that what the key's gonna say i don't know do you like it i don't dislike it

that's a start so is this going to be the jingle there's going to be commercials for the computer gun and this will be the jingle we're done with the song the song is dead it was shot we're just discussing the ideas of the gun

itself so like the tab key would make you just like the drink tab which no longer exists so you wouldn't exist anymore either if i hit the tab key wait a minute if you like something that doesn't exist then you cease to exist as well well it's no how to explain this it's something of a metaphor concept where you become much like tab discontinued corporeally what about the tilde tilde killed tilde swinton and um uh freaking snow piercer she probably killed somebody at that didn't she make people into like delicious edible bricks yeah she's yeah she's munching well actually no right they're making bugs into the brick i was only i was on my phone while i was watching that okay not my and this guy is obsessed with being

online and it's true i know i don't know what i'm gonna do now now that the show's done this you can keep the show we don't want the show. It has nothing to do with the show. We're trying to figure out how to use this song, and we're having trouble. I thought the computer gun was a great idea. Yeah, it was. It was our idea. But someone keeps stopping us from making it really work.

Let's look at this. The show is about online internet. Have you ever thought about having a real experience? Go to the zoo, maybe? Going to the zoo. You ever been to the fucking zoo, brother? I've seen pictures online. See, and he goes to the Yahoo What's Cool page, and it's got

pictures of animals. It's got the online San Diego Zoo where you can look at the cages, and even sometimes there are live cams of the animals. That is not the same as smelling the animal. What do the animals smell like?

Well, it's not good, Alex. Yeah, it sounds awful. And it's important to experience that so that you know if you're smelling like an animal at any point, which you probably wouldn't even be able to tell at this point because you're not actually around them, right? You're on the tweet star and you're following Back to Nature and you're following humor and animals

and you're watching dogs get raided. But that's not the same as actually going get putting your finger inside the monkey cage and getting yelled at uh but i use soap you know that soap is actually made gotcha you got you guys had no comeback to that one i was just saying well actually when we edit it i was just saying immediately and you might not even say that so think about that i was just saying one. Well, actually, when we edit it, we will have a comeback immediately, and you might not even say that. So think about that. I was just doing one. All right, I'm sorry.

He was doing it. Go ahead, Hayes. The soap is actually made from an animal. What animal? You ever see Fight Club? You are not your fucking genes. Remember? Yeah.

They're making it from from lard dude so the animal that my soap specifically my soap is made from from an animal human animal you're washing yourself with freaking human animal because i feel like i use dove well so there you go there it it is. Yeah, they probably put some dove bones in there too. Well, he got me. What do you do on this? On this podcast? On the show, you do different parts, right? Yeah, you mean

like different segments or do you mean like the beginning and the end? At the beginning, I say hello and at the end, I say goodbye. Sorry, segments as parts. Sorry. to act like these are not parts i mean i know that it's rather disingenuous

alex you're right i'm this i feel like this is not going as well as i hoped it would well we already invented something that's true and we're now talking about the parts what are these well we do a lot of sort of investigative stories but then we also have a segment on our show called yes yes no where we have our boss alex bloomberg the destitute hobo you spoke of earlier yeah who he will come on and say like i don't understand this thing on the internet and then we'll explain it to him you know yes yes no like the boot hobbies except what they would say is you would say like do you want to smooch this gal and they would say no and then together they would say sean they would go yes but so this is like that but you've you did it backwards. Yeah.

So I knew you wouldn't get in trouble. It's also backwards and not getting in trouble of the way that famous sportsman Bill Simmons will describe certain basketball shooters, where he'll go. Yeah. This is the ultimate no, no, no, yes guy. I don't know anything about Bill Simmons, although we do

work for the same company yeah and that's yeah that's right huh yep please don't say that we made fun of him that we tease him yeah that we were and if we do we were just teasing okay okay there's a segment on our show which is called no let's go back to this other one okay how does this what is it um what are you doing usually our boss will find some tweet tweet on the internet that he doesn't understand and then he'll uh he'll say hey guys can you explain this to me and hopefully it's something that has some layers that we can then like what like what are some of the tweets yeah like what like kevin pull up one of your tweets okay buckle up alex let's get one at kevin's i'll happily explain

this to you okay okay i haven't i haven't understood a single one on kevin's tweets this one's a video of the new spider-man video game so So in this tweet, he seems excited about the new Spider-Man video game featuring Miles Morales. Damn. Was I right? I mean, a little bit. Did you say anything? Let's see.

Did I say anything? Enhance. There's two spider emojis. So you want to have a closer look at it. Do you think you can solve this riddle, though? You want to have a closer look at it solve this riddle though you want to have a closer look at it and also there are two spider emojis but why would he do two spider emojis when it already says spider-man like what is that what is he saying like what is that adding to and why is he tweeting it at all like even like why like what is making that worth posting online honestly the only reason i can imagine posting

that as if it were sponsored content kevin you get you getting any fucking cheddar off this thing i actually had to pay to do it a lot but it's two spiders because it's the second Spider-Man game. I thought it was two spiders because you liked the spider aspect of the man, Spider-Man, more than you liked the man aspect of him. Should it just be spiders? There's layers. Would you rather he was Spider-Spider? Yeah. Man, we should collab on some tweets, Alex.

You got it. Well, let me send you, tell you what my latest tweet was uh because i think it was actually a pretty good one okay somebody can explain this to me whatever this ends up being um it says cool idea for a team up blippy eilish who's that well okay well we can yes yes no on this are you ready yes uh no yes good one kevin nice kev thanks gang yeah hey i'm having a pretty good time today you started out rocking hard and it's only gone uphill from there uh well you know who billy eil is, right? Hey, I like doing this show. Did you just figure that out?

Yeah. Congratulations. Billy Eilish? I know who Billy Elliot is. I know who Missy is. Is it like that? Is it like Missy Elliot? I know who Missy Pyle is.

Okay, so imagine Missy Pyle. I know who the wrong Missy is oh that's even better i know gomer pile i think a billy eilish is sort of a missy pile wrong missy gomer pile kind of kind of hybrid so if you imagine all three of those together you sort of wow the eilish and then blippy is a children's performer who famously i can't stand blippy man can i tell you what i love i love when someone is telling me something that i don't know and they say that it's famous it really makes me feel great well okay something i've never heard of and they say oh yeah it's this really famous thing it's oh, thank you so much for explaining that to me. You guys are in Hollywood.

I just assumed you knew Blippi. Well, let me tell you what happens when you assume. I kick your ass. Who's that? Blippi is a children's performer who I know mostly because apparently he made a video prior to his children's performing years of himself pooping on a friend of his okay okay now i'm back in on blippy yeah he wears like uh nowadays he wears like glasses and like a for instance, that you really like tractors or helicopters and you go, I'd like to watch a video about tractor or helicopter.

And then you type it in and then YouTube goes, oh, you must want to hear Blippi talk for a half an hour. And it's like, actually, no, what I want to see is the helicopter takeoff and landing. Can I have that compilation, please? Or can the tractor please be in the snow or something or pushing dirt? Because I do not want to hear this man go like, hey, cool. Hey, did you know that I'm next to the helicopter? And I'm like, brother, of course I didn't know that anyway if the dude's taking a dump on a guy i guess like i'll cut him a break i'll cut him a little bit of slack yeah he apparently apparently it's like i've never seen the video but apparently it's like a projectile poop okay okay and we don't get that graphic on this show if we we can mention it's actually never even close to happened like that before

you wanted to just riff about cum about like i was going to do stand up about cum and how you can tell whether a chick is faking it but uh you know the show has moved on you're the one who's doubling back for that you apparently are and cum is actually the most important uh and it's actually the the most important part of having a life i would say i would say the egg is actually i mean that's just my opinion without cum you wouldn't have your precious computers that's pretty hard to argue with so we did that one i never figured out who the person was blippy eyelid or what happened so yeah i guess why would they be connected yeah i don't know he's very bright and she's very sort of dark and brooding brooding brooding as as you would imagine a sort of a missy pile the wrong missy gomer pile combination to be

yeah that's dark so i i just thought like getting them together would be a sort of like funny contrast in in sort of styles and personalities okay so let me see if i can like put this into terms that i relate to like try to imagine what you're finding funny about it. Just give me a second. When I think the ultimate apex of darkness, true darkness,

for me, that's probably Marilyn Manson. Did you say Merlin Manson? Merlin Manson, the most fucked up, darkest, most craziest shit you could imagine. And none of this corporate bullshit, but in fact, just a really authentic persona. Yeah, he's real underground. Yeah, you're gonna be. You see him, you're gonna be.

Yeah, he'll put you underground. Computer gun. computer gun and i guess when i think of like really like fun like funny like light bright like sort of like my version of blippy or whatever would probably be like one of the snorks but how to choose yeah well process of elimination right let's do it we're not going to do the old snork with the big white mustache because i frankly i just don't trust him to be around long enough is it going to be a girl snork or a boy snork well if it's a girl snork i think the only one i can name is probably daphne and even that is a guess if it's a boy snork we got all-star and i want to say the other guys like reggie or something like that demetrius dimmy

finster so close enough but i probably would just who you know who's just having fun on that show aki oh yeah but is aki's literally just partying dude he's not a snork though he's an octopus yeah yeah so maybe just like snork marilyn manson is kind of i mean yeah i guess you don't have to pick really is you just go like hey snork maryland manson no that's a tweet hey look i'm alex goldman i'll tweet that you want me to do that right now hell no don't do it don't no no don't why? I don't want to be responsible for the fallout on that. It's too late. Don't put it. Snork, Marilyn Manson. It happened.

He's putting it. Guys, my shit. Look, I'm being sold for scrap. I don't give a shit. I'll do whatever. No, I like this, dude. I don't give a frat. I'm having a good time today.

What's one of the other parts? There is a segment we do called Super Tech Support where people come to us with problems that feel bigger than they can solve. Not just your basic tech support problems, but things where they have to deal with a gigantic faceless gigantic faceless company or we can't relate you can't no we've never had that issue faceless

company come what company got a face i guess i meant that metaphorically all right walk me to it yeah what happened not not promising i'm gonna drink but go ahead and walk me right up to the waterfront so uh for example in one episode a woman got her snapchat account uh hacked and the person who when she got it back the filters are crazy on that thing you can make yourself look like some kind of demon. You could basically do a Marilyn Manson filter on your face on Snapchat. That is nuts. Is this what happened to this woman?

She got stuck in the filter? And once she left her iPhone, she still looked like that when she walked around. Oh! Nasty! It's like if you make a face and someone hits you on the back and it sticks that way. It was like that.

That actually happened to a friend of mine. Yeah, his soccer coach pat him on the back for doing a good job, but he was making quite the strange celebration face. And it permanently looked like dude was nutting. If you allow me to do five or six stand-up minutes now about the act of doing a big bust.

Actually, never mind. I'll save it for my special. The LG logo is that now he's a face and it is a boy. Oh, that's true. It is a face. Do you guys know about that arrow that's hidden in the fedex logo yeah okay thanks god we all do yeah well but tell me tell haze about it just so i know but i also know i actually knew before any of the haze taught me anyone taught me about it between the

e and the x and fedex the negative space makes an arrow. It's a very cool design. And it's going to shoot you? It's shooting me. It's like a microchip, sort of like a microchip arrow. And it's basically Braveheart. Alex, did you know about the one in UPS? No.

It's the U. It's kind of like an arrow. did you know about the A in Safeway what about it there's two of them well you said the A but then you said there were two yeah it had a baby and even that

kind of looks like an ancient arrowhead oh you know it's sharp And even that kind of looks like an ancient arrowhead. Oh. You know, it's sharp. It's sharp. Reminds me of a knife that way. Hollywood Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready-to-eat meals.

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Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. So we have to talk a little bit about, obviously, we went through your catalog a little bit. And for the most part, we're not touching it uh it's just gonna go on the scrap heap uh there's one episode that seems to have gotten some traction and we were interested in this idea obviously we don't want to use your version of it but apparently you guys did something that went viral uh where it's this guy is pretending that he uh heard a song once and he's thinking about it and you did this whole episode that people like and so hayes and i wanted to um it's called like the case of the missing song we want to also act like uh there's some fucked up song that we remember and then you have to make it for us okay sure um so

not as we still want to be fake but not as fake not as fake as the one on the show because when i listen to that my eyes just about rolled in the back of my head and got stuck that way like my buddy who's soccer coach hit him on the back uh so that that episode was actually done by my co-host who big-timed you guys and wouldn't come on the show yeah what happened what he doesn't want to do the show yeah yeah why don't we have the main guy you know you know there are some people who like are actually they live they're like busy on the weekends they have to go hang out with their friends on the beach or i don't know i'm just

guessing because i don't really go out and do stuff as we've already established so he's at the beach i assume he's at the beach holy shit tell that guy to get some more letters in his name yeah he's only got he's only got a couple his damn name i'm he likes computers so much how come he's only using like one tenth of the keyboard tell you what man get a real name well i you know those those letters actually stand for a couple things two words and what are these what are these guess. Wait, let Kevin guess. And say the letters. His name is PJ. So go ahead and guess, Kevin.

Pajamas? Wow, Kevin, your mind. Well, pajamas is only one word. And I said it was two, so you're disqualified. Pasta jorts. It's close. That's really close. Yeah. Pasta jorts. It's close. That's really close. Yeah. Pasta jeans.

That's right. Little longer than jorts. The longer version. So, you know, when he has to fill something out for the government, it actually is pretty long. You know? The freaking government. Speaking of speaking along how much longer are we

talking to this clown we got to make up one of these like we have to do a fake song right right we gotta do the fake song gotta do the fake song the song in the episode was kind of kind of had a bare naked ladies vibe to it okay do you guys want to go with that? You want to go with something else? You know you can tell when a very naked lady's faking it, right? So, Alex. Is it that she's making a pretty face? Because if she were. Come on, that's just for show. If you're really in the fucking nut zone,

you got no control over what you look like. It's like, and I'm making a crazy face i can do it on command so alex you know you're posting all the time about how you like rock a guitar and you're like a shred god so do you have a freaking axe with you or what no i actually i'm not no i don't have my why not i'm not at my house this weekend. Okay. Trouble in paradise. Yeah.

Me and my house are breaking up. And this guy is breaking up with his damn house. And he's trying to tell me how to do a podcast. I never told you how to try and do a podcast. No, I know. And I'm mad about it. Please tell him. i am having fun with this one but i can feel that it's not quite a podcast yet i think that like it only has one

part i think that the best way to top off our podcast is to do like a tight five on just just throat shooting ropes you know it took a little while but you got there he already said he could do it on command come or do the type five oh why are you always acting like i'm going come on man this is a kids show we're talking about the snorks and shit dude um snork maryland manson kevin what about kevin's drum oh do you have any drum uh yeah or a drum bone snork maryland manson got one like okay off to the races yep yeah let me see i'm gonna find it kevin where's drum i'm freaking searching for it don't you have kevin's drum at home uh kevin did you break up with your damn house uh so i just gave a little

signal boost i replied to your tweet and i think you're gonna have some very good results from it. Okay, now this is good drum. So there's this song. Man, it's stuck in my brain. I can't even really totally say what it is, but I remember little pieces of it. And you guys have got to help me find this song, man. Come on, dude. Well, what? And I'm pretending not to be in on this from the beginning.

Well, okay, I guess. What does it sound like? Oh, it's got this drum that's like. And I'm listening to this drum and I'm going, oh, yeah. And then the words are, well, let's just say they're a little funky crazy, man. Okay, what are some of the, what do some of the words, like, sound like? It would really help me, a guy that knows nothing about this and doesn't get ready to freaking cash in on it. Oh, yeah, and this is where it'll help that I listen to his, because it's like, or his buddies. And it goes like, uh, uh, uh.

But I listen to his because it's like or his buddies. And it goes like cherry lemonade and a pizza sauce hot dog. I'm going to the bathroom with a frog. Here I come. I am dancing on a roof. Oh, no. Look out. I made a goof, made a mistake, and I dropped my hamburger.

Oh, yeah. Here we go. It's a hamburger. Hey, you. You're the hamburger. Somebody come and pass me my hamburger. Nice. That is pretty good. So it was something like that.

Can anybody find it? Well, I'm going to take, I mean, what I would do in that situation, I would take those lyrics to musicologists and rock historians. I mean, that's whatj did in the episode this would be good for you alex to say like hey my dumb ass friend look at me do this better than you ever could even try to do eat shit at the head yes you do that episode and you and you like you kick his ass at his own episode i was initially skeptical that you guys actually listened to the show but now that you're characterizing the way that we talk to one

another i feel like i'm really glad that you actually actually are fans um you call each other bitch all the time bring bring hello hello mr bitch guess who just did your own fucking episode on your ass even better than you ever could and i know that comes from alex bloomberg who famously calls himself the boss bitch but i don't think he actually calls me as a way to denigrate me he calls me boss baby he's the boss bitch and you're the boss baby yes and so but i don't think you have to go around calling each other Mr. Bitch and like all these things. We don't have to. But it's like, do you know how there's like some podcast companies that just like have a house style?

Sure. No, I haven't noticed that. Is this another house thing? I'm trying to get I'm trying to get together a new house style now that I'm breaking up with my house. My house and I have just gone in different directions. Yeah, you're getting into... Your house is getting very political. Your house's politics are getting very extreme.

Unfortunately, the direction that you're going in is down. Yeah, so first I was in my bedroom, which is on the second floor. And then I went downstairs. And then I went into the basement. And the room that I'm recording in right now is a hole that I dug in the basement. These online guys. And just, okay, so you're in your computer in your mom's basement go to the zoo could somebody get their ass to the fucking zoo already i mean giraffes look fucking gross

yes their necks are super long the zoo is basically giraffic park they poop right where they stand yeah Yeah. That's not my vibe. You know where I poop? On your friend? Take a guess. On Blippi, yeah. Right? No, Blippi poops on,

well, I won't say, on a friend of his. Yikes. But, this guy's getting desperate. But I poop in a toilet, like an adult. Toilet, huh?

Well, instead of just... Figured you'd bring that up. Instead of just commenting about it, you could actually do something about it and bring a toilet to the zoo. Toilets? So far as I know, there are no toilets specifically designed for giraffes.

Yeah, and so this is what I'm saying. You you could actually instead of just being a freaking online keyboard warrior you could go out and bring a toilet to the zoo for the animals you can lead a giraffe to toilet but you can't make it stink stink that's right so all right what else is on your show that we could use is there another part is there one more part please i mean the other parts are when i the other the other super texas port what's the other one uh well the other the other um the other parts are when other producers work on stories and other people don't say oh that sounds nice hey it actually sounds pretty nice oh so you don't have to do put the entire show on your back every single episode well the your producer doesn't just point at a mountain and go hey here's a heavy knapsack

carry this to the top oh no i i really i like their stories the best because it's like they're they're working on stories so there are parts where you don't have to do anything you can just be quiet you don't have to do the entire show and it's and it lives or dies on your talent alone i don't think that i would say that about the show ever because there are a lot of very talented people who work on it. That sounds nice. That must be really great. We basically don't even have one. What about Kevin?

What? What? I'm trying to think. Is there anything else? We've done a couple segments that we've never done again one was called why is everybody mad and should i be mad also okay it was like we were talking what's that about freaking george w bush it was about george w bush again and it was about the time when he was like fool me once shame on shame on, shame on, I think he says shame on you, and then fool me twice so you won't get fooled again. Yeah, freaking strategery. Can you believe he said that?

That's nuts, man, that he literally looked in the camera and says strategery dozens of times to punctuate almost every thought. He was always like, that was sort of like, you know how some people say, uh, when they're trying to think of their next thought, he would always say strategery. And every time he was nervous, he'd just start reading a book about a baby goat.

Strange guy, interesting guy, good painter, and always has some candy, doesn't he? Does he have candy? What kind of candy? That's nice.

So, um, enough ellen's friend kevin never has any candy why not whenever i want a little like a little piece of candy he never has one i go what about the ones where the wrapper looks like a strawberry too oh and then inside it's kind of like strawberry goo. Those are tight. Can you just have one of those on you, Kevin? Wait, Alex, I think you're eating them too hot. Do they actually have a solid core most of the time?

The outside is hard. It's not supposed to be all goo. No, no, it's not all goo. I said in the inside. Okay, well then you didn't actually say that. But you said inside immediately after the wrapper was said. So it sounded like you were saying inside the wrapper and not inside i do lightly saute all hard candy before i eat it okay well then this is interesting and this is actually something we could use on the show kevin start recording okay i'm gonna start right now

okay candy recipe go uh caramelized onions uh you you saute it at 350 i don't know anything about cooking i'm just bullshitting now and then you're sort of like cherry lemonade and a pizza sauce hot dog cheeseburger choice go now alex go cheeseburger choice cheeseburger choice cheeseburger choice go go go bacon swiss medium rare poppy seed bun sesame seed bun poppy seed bun sesame seed buns poppy on top sesame on bottom double seed bun you're crazy for this one man how's your tweet doing let me take a look the level of engagement must be insane sean sean responded so wrong smiley crying face

pretty messed up and more than doubled the engagement oh yeah yeah he five tupled it um i got five favorites and at the time there was only one that has me what's my girlfriend doing in your fave five oh uh that must be a mistake secret lover just the hand enters the screen. Bink. I'll take that T-Mobile phone. Thank you. You ever talk about these Fave 5 coaches

can actually create some kind of sticky situations. Wait, you mean the T-Mobile Fave 5? T-Mobile Fave 5s. This is a great idea for an episode. It's online, first of all so well kind of a cell signal is not online okay this guy this bitch no wonder these guys call each other bitch all the time this bitch says my cell signal's not online I do all my phone on the computer

hi yeah this is my phone doing on the computer yeah I guess this bitch says you're not online you have an extra phone the computer just does it the big computer you can do the phone on there hello Alex can you hear us

we're doing it right now. This isn't. No, this is Zoom. It's a phone. No, we're. We are. It is a video chat system. Do you call a phone number to do this?

You can. Yeah, I can. I'm going to. Kevin, I didn't ask you. I actually was having a lot of fun today doing the show and then what happened well you i'm just trying to look the whole part a huge part of our show is like it's like media and tech literacy and i'm just trying to help you guys out i'm not trying to be a dick i I might be being a dick but I'm not trying to be a dick. I remember there was an episode

of your show, another viral episode actually maybe four episodes about a man who is doing jail. Any chance you would go there? For what I just did? Yeah. For your crimes against my podcast?

Apparently he was doing internet from jail. Maybe you should as well. Uh, uh, I'd rather not, but I guess I have to go before a jury of my peers. You're looking at them. You guys are my peers.

So what are we thinking? What's the next episode about? Yeah's the next one is it going to be something fucked up it's actually about how you know that a girl's really having a real orgasm you can't do that yes come on no oh that's to step on my special. But I would like to know, actually. I've always been pretty confused about it. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Hamburg.