Hollywood Handbook - Alison Rich, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 9, 2016

Sean and Hayes give each other their annual physical exam. Then ALISON RICH comes in to explain Party Over Here and discuss favorite influences and some interesting science and history.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Oh, boy. And he's putting ketchup all over it. Like, you can't see the steak anymore. And he actually had taken it and put the meat into his empty soup bowl so he could basically fill it up with ketchup so it would be just swimming in it. And, you know, I don't give a fuck. Eat it how you want to eat it. Did he do the thing where he breaks the bottom off the ketchup bottle? Yes, he did. So it just falls out? Yes, where he hits it.

He puts it against the corner of the table, and then. So it just falls out? Yes, where he hits it, he puts it against the corner of the table and then he pounds it with his fist and the bottom just pops off in one piece so he can get a bigger gloop out.

Gloop? And, you know, eat how you want to eat. It's a nice piece of filet mignon. You want it to be almost entirely ketchup. That's up to you.

You didn't say that thing that you say. Because I would imagine it would kind of set him off if you said the thing that you sometimes say. Well. With somebody. Yes, well, this is where this is going. Okay.

I can see that Dom DeLuise is getting frustrated because he spent so much time cooking the steak and seasoning it the way he wants. And so I think I'll break the tension. Wait, I'm sorry. Were you confusing him with Paul Prudhomme? Oh, so he was already in kind of a bad mood. That must have been what it was.

Because Paul Prudhomme is a chef. Okay, so I can see, okay, he was already in kind of a bad mood. Jeff. Okay, so I can see, okay, he was already in kind of a bad mood. Yeah. But either way, the large gentleman is looking steam coming out his ears watching this ketchup thing happen. So I think I'll break the tension. And I've got a pretty funny joke loaded up and ready to go

for just this kind of situation. So I go, hey, George, want some steak with that ketchup? Oh, George. Want some steak with that ketchup? Oh, God. Now. I know you guys are friends, but it's scary. Yeah, yeah, no. And he's known to have a bit of a temper. Now, his daughter, Martha, loses it.

She must be seeing this her whole life and putting all this ketchup on. She's cracking up. He turns beet red. Paul grabs like a sconce off the wall and starts swinging it. Starts swinging it like a mace, trying to take mine and George's head off. Of course, I catch it very easily. I disarm him and I put him into an arm bar. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook,

an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names at the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. As you know, we are passionate about... What are you reading on your computer there? I'm reading tips for doing a good podcast. Well, it didn't feel like you even heard it in my story. I did hear it. Well, you certainly didn't help out with it. The sconce?

I helped by saying, okay, now it's time to do the rest of it. Do the main show. And you're right. It was time to go and do something else, but maybe only because it didn't have any help. Maybe it could have been something good. I thought it was nice. It was okay.

We like to talk about and enjoy and nourish our bodies and being healthy. You're only going to have this one body this time around, and I do believe in reincarnation now. And I hope I come back as

a bird of prey. Kestrel perhaps or an osprey. Although it's so bad what happened with their thin eggshells. Anyway. Being healthy and not being sick does not necessarily involve going to the doctor.

No. A lot of the american medical uh business and it is a business yes is based on upcharging you every time you go to the doctor they do just what your auto mechanic does you need a new this that's not working this smells wrong this thing should be over here this is too huge and it's like i don't even know this guy really i barely hang out with him how does this guy know what my what my body what's happening with my body yeah i mean i need someone who sees my body every who knows my body better than anyone else yeah who knows my body better than I do because they can see the back of it actually. So what Sean and I do is we each give each other a physical exam every year. And sometimes more than that. But the big one is every year and we sort of do little tiny ones in between. And so for transparency, we want to do it on the show this year

so you can hear sort of what's involved and maybe you can do it on yourself. Yeah, your neighbors or your friends or your friends' kids. Yeah. So do you want to start on me? Sure. Okay. Do you want to just put it in my mouth? Hayes has to put his foot in my mouth because my mouth is able to feel.

He's got good muscles in there. Yeah, and it can tell if there's something not right. Yes, I would love to because there is something. The foot is a good place to start because there is something. Bottom up. Moving around in there. Bottoms up has become bastardized to me in taking a drink. But really really it originally

was what put the put your bottom part of your part yeah put it up in the mouth yeah so bottom up so you're going to start with the foot yes and has anything been bothering you about this foot before i put it in my mouth yes and that's what i was saying sorry there is something sort of moving around in a random way. And if I try to poke at it, it runs to the other side of the foot. Okay. All right. So, all right. Let me just slide this cowboy boot off.

This is nice. Yeah, so it would taste a little more like steak. Okay. All right. I saw that. Yeah, there it goes. Yeah, you feel that? Yeah.

All right. So you had a scorpion in your boot. Oh. And then he got inside your feet. Okay. Is that okay? It's actually fine. Okay.

Is that okay? It's actually fine. What you want to do is you want to make sure that he stays in your foot. So you want to make your foot as nice a home for him as possible. What would happen? It would be bad if he got out. If he gets off your foot and gets into your pancreas, he could start eating all your insulin. Another thing I've sort of been having, my breath has been weird.

Uh-huh. Kind of like, it's sort of stop and go right now. Yes. Does it smell okay? Blow it all the way in. Here, let me put my mouth in your mouth, and then you blow out. Okay. Okay.

I have it. All right. Tell me if it's weird, because I've been buying it. Like, my body doesn't produce its own breath. Sure. So I've been buying these packs, and this one looked sort of dusty on the shelf. And I asked the guy like, is this okay? And he's like, oh yeah, it's fine. And he's just like, you know, brushes it off a little bit.

But now I wonder if I just got a weird breath pack. Well, what I'm seeing just in my first glance here. Yeah. Is there is a scorpion in your tonsils. Okay. And he is stinging at your throat when you try to take a breath?

Is it the other one's husband or something? Hang on, let me communicate with him briefly. Uh-huh. Oh. You little devil.

It hurts. Don't talk too long because when he's talking, it hurts. Okay. No. They're not. Nope. Husband and wife. Okay.

Okay. Did you want me to ask how they know each other, if they know each other at all? Well, I thought that he was talking for a while. I thought it was more than just like, no. I thought he might have said how they knew each other. I don't speak English. Anything else going on before I sort of peel your scalp back? I don't think so.

I can see my heart, like the outline of my heart. Yeah. But I think that, I mean, it's not like. That's kind of badass. Yeah. It's like a tattoo. Yeah. I should write mom on it.

That's funny. And then it's like, it's good that I could see it because if I couldn't see it, then it might not be there. Right. And it used to fall out. And you're talking to somebody who knows yes yes how is that going uh getting it back in there yeah or just moving it back up um i don't like it like i got so used to it being where it was then now that it's like where it's supposed to be and i'm using quotes i don't like that

to me it feels fucked up right uh the doctor said he would move it yeah and he did he got a pole and put it in and again this is why i don't like going to doctors because you had sort of been like, just leave it. Right. Which I loved. But it was thumping all around, and I guess that's not allowed. You look fine. Yeah. Good. I feel fucked up. Oh, okay.

What else is going on? Well, when I go to, and I'm just going to peel your scalp up real quick and reach my hand inside. Okay. Your brains is okay. Not as smart as mine. Oh, come on. No, they're great. Nice and cold.

So what's going on for me yeah well this is a little embarrassing but I cough when I pee okay

you you pee and then you start coughing or when every time you cough you my pee comes out in a cough I see so it's like your

little pee machine is coughing yes it sounds like a cough yes it's sort of a cough blast and uh and i have no awareness of when it will happen. Yeah. So where I am is very much in flux, and that has been frustrating a little bit just in terms of my sheets and everything. Now, this is potentially a sensitive thing, but you and I are friends. We know each other's bodies.

This is something we can talk about. Have you considered putting a Ludens cough drop in there? Okay, so I'm glad you asked. What I have been using so far is Fisherman's Friend. Is there a reason for me to believe that Ludens would be more effective? It may be. Do they make a natural cough drop? As far as I know, it is natural. I don't want chemicals in there. It's a matter, it may be. Do they make a natural cough drop? As far as I know,

it is natural. I don't want chemicals in there. It does have natural flavors. It may be that he doesn't like the taste of the fisherman's friend. Wait, let me ask you this. Was,

was it doing this before you put a cough drop in there? No, not at all. So you gave it a cough drop. So it's sort of a preemptive measure. Uh-huh.

And you thought, oh, I was right. It is about to get a cough once it was in there. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And so now I've been putting more cough drops in. Meanwhile, the first one is going nowhere. It's doing that because it likes the taste of the cough drop and it wants more cough drops. And it's trying to trick me into giving more.

Yes, because it's like candy. Okay. That's helpful. So then I don't want to put eludans in there. No. All right. No more cough drops. Well, then I'll tell him.

What else is happening? Well, my back points different ways than how it used to. It is going all over here and over there and up there. Yeah, it looks like five different ways yeah when it you know traditionally was just the two up and down so i'm wondering is this something i need to get looked at uh-huh uh yeah but i'm you know i'm happy to just do it. Yeah. What have you been – have you been exercising in a weird way lately? Well – And it doesn't change your exercise program at all? I've had a couple changes to my exercise program just because, as you know,

I wanted to try to row without using my hands or arms or legs. Okay. And ideally avoiding jolting my neck around too much. Right. And so when I go for a good long erg, I have sometimes been having some discomfort afterwards everywhere. I think your back is trying to make hands of its own. Yeah. Because if you don't use your hands for things, your back says, okay, well, I guess it's time for me to be the hands.

So it's growing extra bones that are supposed to kind of reach around and grab the erg. Because it feels you having trouble not using your hands and it wants to help you. Oh, that makes more sense because it has been easier to... Your back is really nice. It's been easier to wash my back lately. Because what I'll do is I'll just sort of toss the soap onto my shoulder and it seems to get everywhere. And then it tosses it back? Yeah, then it throws it back and goes,

think fast, buddy. Yeah, your back is trying to be really nice. Okay, great. So I think everything is good. All right, well, then I'm feeling healthy as always, and this was a really great physical, and please do try to do this at home with your friends and your neighbor's kids. And very soon we have a guest.

Oh. On Hollywood Handbook. Oh, God. Very soon we have a guest. Oh. On Hollywood Handbook. Oh, God. So I'm on the White House lawn with Pete Davidson,

and we are trimming the hedges to look like. So to speak, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, to look like famous historical figures. Mm-hmm. And it's all in good fun. Brett, can you stay here? Sorry, finish your story. I just want Brett to stay here.

Yeah, and Sasha and Malia are laughing because we're making the figures have certain features that maybe you wouldn't normally see on this sort of statue. And as we finish up the last one, Secret Service shoots me

with a bullet. Oh no! And if you know anything about me, you know that really made me mad. I'm saying for him. Oh, no. I hate when that happens. Oh, my God. And I hate to use my training against someone who really is on the same side as me.

What was the reasoning for that? Did you ever find out from him why he – Yeah. Well, he didn't do a lot of talking for the rest of that month. You don't know and you don't even have a guess. What were some of the historical figures you were doing and the different features on them? And maybe through this we could get at maybe the reason that you would be shot. Well, George Bernard Shaw, we gave him just real big peepers.

Okay. Yeah. Not anything there. I thought – and I sort of thought they would be political figures, but you're sort of drawing from literature. Well, did he not write about politics in some way? I mean, didn't his writing sort of reflect the political climate of the era? And this is – I mean, your observation. It's just a very rich reading of it that I can't access.

I just see the story for what it is. Because I said political figures, I think. Right, right. And I meant it. Martha Washington. And we just gave her, like, massive biceps. Okay. I could see how that would be threatening.

Mm-hmm. Near the girls. Yeah, well, that's how they get their thrills, you know? They're so sheltered. And I do want to start the show, but I do also want to check in on Brett, who put the water down in the loudest way while Sean was telling his story. He slammed it down. It's partially on me.

And it made such an explosive thud. I was one of the guys who wanted the water. To be fair, Sean wanted the water, so I just put it. I blame him. Well, maybe next time we put it down on the soft floor. And this isn't even your episode. And I wonder if that's why you're acting out a little bit. Because we did give Engineer Sam a chance to do a good episode.

And we do, yes, we do see Brett get a little bit jealous when the other engineers get to do an episode with a big guest like what we've got today who's actually a funny superstar and is going to maybe make us get all the downloads and Brett isn't going to get to have anything to do with it. Sam, these headphones are kind of glitching for me. You can, no, now you can go.

Okay. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. It's that guy with the kicking butt and dropping names on the red carpet line. Back always with this industry we call showbiz. Are the headphones actually on? And thanks for the water. Because I don't know if he's acting out.

And water up. Water up. There's a little variation on what up, what up. What? No, I said you could leave. You actually do leave, but I do want to know if the headphones are glitching. Allison Rich is here from Party over here the show do you love partying getting fucked up oh yeah i'm a big partier but i like to party on a wednesday is what i would say oh

party when people don't see it coming and now that can be very confusing for people who might think that that's when the show is on but it is not it's not on then you know and don't tell them because if people really want to see it, they should come find it, do their research, Google, look at an ad on a bus. I hate lazy people just watching the show from they heard someone talk about it. From they heard someone. No, thank you. And not go do it themselves.

They heard the star of the show say it was our one day, and they say I'll watch it. Keep them on their toes. Yeah, and I yes I'm glad that we're finally inspiring some of the young people to do a little work for themselves get out there get active get out in nature and research it and find out when the show is and vote

yeah and please do rock the vote yeah well also it's one of those shows where there's a lot of audience voting like American Idol but for ha ha's and right vote for what's funny. Exactly. After a sketch, you can vote ha-ha or me likey. Or me likey.

They're all positives. There's no neg voting. And you were voted on to the show. Exactly. I was actually just a simple chef before. Wow. But then they were like, you should be a complicated comedian. Do you miss your life as But A Simple Chef?

You know, I do because now there's just like, there's so much attention. I mean, I have hundreds of Graham followers when before I had 11. And I just feel like a constant pressure to be creating Graham content. And that's just not what I got in it for. So it's harder, but I also know I can't fight it. You are a chef. I mean, it's Graham. It's like Graham crackers, right?

Exactly. Honestly, I signed up for Instagram because I thought it was a Graham cracker-based app. Instantly, you would get a Graham cracker. Yeah, you were like, I'm sick of waiting so long for my Graham crackers. This is the app for me. Oh, my goodness. Back in the day, well, still, because actually it isn't an app for graham crackers. No.

But my current struggle to get a graham cracker, I mean, it's like it takes a while. Yeah, the wait list is insane. It's totally out of control. And I think I'd have an easier time being on organ donating, donoring. They should have on your driver's license, interested in graham crackers. I'd say yes. Here's a joke I thought of, organ donor kebab. Okay.

I like that. You know, when I was a simple chef, I did a lot of Greek food, a lot of kebabs, a lot of tabbouleh, all that. So I appreciate that on an extra level, another level. So what was simple about your being a chef then? Because it sounds like you're doing all different kinds of food. Yeah, lots of spices. I don't think it's that. It sounds like two things, graham crackers and Greek food.

The classic combo. So I guess you wouldn't have been one of my customers. Wow, I love seeing Hayes get put in his place like that. And I wonder if this is... I've never seen such a strong guest that really just took Hayes and cut him down to size. I can't do it. That's the number one thing you got to do when you come into a room. You ever read that Dale Carnegie book, How to Influence People?

Win the room? Win the room. Number one is show them who's boss, especially if you're an employee. This is, I think, an extension of a larger issue between us that I don't want. I do want to do the show. He's an idea of history. For you to have a party over here the same night when you knew I was, issue between us that I don't want. I do want to do the show. He's an idea of history.

For you to have a party over here the same night when you knew I was having a party over here. Over there, really. For him it was over here. And your party really was over there. It's about whose perspective. For me it's here. From my here and your there.

Your here, your there. And I did want to celebrate finishing my puzzle, and you decided to have a party over here, and everyone would say your party instead of my party, and I didn't even— As someone who went to both and saw just the enormous attendance at your party, Allison— Yes, mine. —and that Hayes really—I had to stay much longer than I'd planned on just so it would feel like anything had happened for him. Negative attendance because he decided to conduct the party in a coffee shop where people already were and then they left once it begun. Yeah, when your party started and then also, and he felt quite ill so he wasn't really present for his party.

I also really talked up a big game about being able to finish the puzzle, and then it became very clear that he had— And also, it was a puzzle of a nightscape in— That would have helped. In Tucson, Arizona, and it's just like, that's not a subject people are interested in. No, that's sort of the old model. Of puzzles.

And Allison and I are very now and very new. In the puzzle world. Of the moment, yes. I are very now and very new. In the puzzle world. Of the moment, yes. I mean, what's the most recent puzzle that you've completed? That I've done? Oh, it was a bridesmaid scene. Oh, of course. Classic.

You know, them all one hand at a time, all six bridesmaids putting the veil on. It's a slow, cumbersome process, but it's one built in tradition. How can they be doing it one at a time in a puzzle? And it's a slow, cumbersome process, but it's one built in tradition. How can they be doing it one at a time in a puzzle? They're all holding each with one hand. Sean gets the visual because he constructed the puzzle. You wouldn't be able to see it. I wish you'd been there for that puzzle. Very new puzzle.

And when I did have my puzzle party, and I checked with Allison before I scheduled it. Please. And I said, look, there's only three pieces left on this thing. I really think I'm going to crack it tonight. Can everybody come over around 4.30, 4.45? They got over, and I did come very close to finishing it. And can I tell you, in 2016, 4.30 is prime party time. Oh, yeah.

It gets too dark to look at the puzzle after that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to work by lantern light. Only way to do it. Yeah, it's the only way that I'm willing to do it. Allison, you're a woman in comedy. Is this a fad or is it here to stay? Women in comedy?

You know, I don't have an opinion about it, but what I do have an opinion about is let's get some animals in comedy. Yes. What about, I mean, like we had a glimpse of Alf, of Air Bud, of others, and bring them back and keep them here forever. I want some plants in comedy. Plants. I'm over humans.

Is it maybe an animal and a plant interacting? Yeah. Or maybe, you know, a child with low intelligence is about as much human that I want to see in comedy. Remember when the big slug from a bug's life was so funny. Oh, everyone sort of, everyone was like very nice to him at the time.

But then it's like, where, where is his next opportunity? Get him on a multicam sitcom because people think when they burst on the scene in a Pixar movie that they're, Oh my, my bad is bugs life Pixar or I get that movie that they're, oh, my bad. Is Bugs Life Pixar? I get that and Ants Confused.

Which one was Pixar? They were the same movie. Oh, okay. Bugs are ants. Ants are bugs. Okay. It just depends how long you watch. But what are insects and what are spiders?

Oh, okay. Well, this is a great question, and I will dig into this. Please. Do you want to get the book? Yeah. Why don't I just crack the book open and we'll start looking at some visual representations of what I'm about to explain in a really thorough way.

Of the genus arachnid. So spiders is bugs and insects is bugs too. Ticks is spiders in a way because of how much legs. Now when the head versus the eyes and brain is connected to the body and there's three pieces, thoracic and thorax and the frigging other part. Eyelashes. No. And they are all being friends body-wise and head-wise, then that's when you start to

scientifically understand that, yeah, this is really bugs. you start to scientifically understand that, yeah, this is really bugs. Now, isn't just a tree and a fish like the original odd couple? Oh, baby. If you read the Bible, the part where in Revelations, people often when they get to Revelations are like, I don't want to read about God's first sitcom. But it is a tree and a fish.

The fish is so clean it's being washed off all the time. I mean, it lives in basically a cleaning solution. Water, salt water. But then a tree. The tree's got that messy. Doing nothing but shedding leaves everywhere. Got that messy hair. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Got a plant afro. Do you ever look at a tree and go, you have the hair of an African-American person? Yes, trees are black. Uh-huh, yeah. Everybody knows trees are black. Sometimes Jewish guys. Sometimes Jewish guys.

Trees are black or Jewish. Mm-hmm. We do want to talk about influence. Yes, it's so important. Have you read Mary Kay and Ashley's book, Influence? No. Well, wow, I feel like you guys aren't really prepared, but okay. Oh, well,

walk me through the book a little bit. What's on page 10? I haven't read it, but I did give it as a stocking stuffer. Ooh. To many of the children in my life. It's about Mary-Kate and Ashley, their fashion influences and how they hope to be one.

And I believe page 10 is a picture of a handbag. I actually stuff my stockings as well to make girls think I have bigger feet than I do. Okay. You know, that would fool me. I want to say it wouldn't, but it would. Now, I think we're all just frauds, really. All artists.

Because we're just a collection of influences parading around in a sack of skin and bone. We're acting like we're up here by ourselves when really we're here with our families and our teachers. I'm standing on the shoulders of many legendary comics. Do you ever think that the first Neanderthal comedy writer never had the

issue of, that's been done before. We've seen that. They were free. Allison, I literally don't sleep because I think about that so much. Oh, my. That reminds me of a funny Farside cartoon. Yes, thank you. Where the guy, and see, Sam is laughing right now just thinking about it, where the guy painting something on a wall.

Oh, no. The caveman. Here we go. This is classic. I'm liking the area. And it's an elephant, and other guys are looking at it, and they're like judging his comedy in a very modern way, and I forget exactly what it is.

Maybe they're saying too soon or something. Yeah. But it's a really interesting cartoon. Also, for Neanderthal comedy writer, there wouldn't have been anything that was too soon because history was like, what, seven years at that point? Oh, okay. So there was nothing. It's like, what's happened that you're going to feel sensitive about?

Oh, that might actually be the whole idea behind it. Yeah. Yeah, I cracked it. Well, all right. I'll take a swing. I was reading it on a T-shirt that was going by so fast. And I tried to be like, don't get in your car, but he did. So I guess we're all going to guess what it means.

Yeah, you go now. Yeah. Too soon. Was it about Nick Thune? That's what I considered that. Yeah. You know, I hear the, I don't remember who created Farside, and I know that that makes me bad. But I do know that the creator was a big Nick Thune fan.

That makes total sense. I support – you know, I feel like Sean – He might have gotten him that recent commercial where he's playing a piano or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because cartoonists classically are fans of commercial actors. Yeah, well, I mean, they really are some of our original influences. Cartoons, before we're able to really understand TV, we do just have to look at a cartoon. Right, right, right.

We can't see people there yet, whole people. And so I think that one of my biggest influences probably was cartoons. And do you remember the 90s? Having all those shows? Pepper Ann. Oh, please. Yeah, say. Speak on that.

Definitely make me sneeze. Speak on that. Oh, see, Pepper Ann loved her. She was part of the Saturday morning block that included recess and others. And Pepper Ann, the fun thing about her was she was like an 11-year-old girl, definitely not hitting puberty yet, not focusing on boys and crushes, just being

a girl in the last stages of innocence, wearing glasses, having shaggy hair, living. I had a corn silk Pepper Ann doll. Did you? Yes, that birthed into flames every summer. Whoa.

Was where you were too hot? I grew up in a fire station, which you would think would be the safest place to avoid fire, but I think maybe the guys were using it as kind of a practice. You know what? I kind of think it's like people talk about positive thinking, the secret, what you put out is what you get in. Maybe that fire station was like attracting lots of fire because fire was on the minds of people.

Yes. That's what I would say. That's scary to me, what you put out is what you get in. I know. A lot of times I'm putting it out there to get rid of it. Mm-hmm. I don't want it back. What's an example of that?

Well, having sex. Having sex? Yeah. You're thinking about sex because you don't want it. Well, I'm putting it out there to just get rid of it. And then lots of sex is coming to you? I guess in a way it does come back. Okay.

Yeah, what I'm putting out is what winds up, you know, coming back banging down the door at all hours. See, for me, my mind, it's not that I'm thinking about things I really want or don't want. I'm thinking about a lot of garbage. It's like if someone had packing peanuts in their brain, that would be my brain. Right. And so I'm getting a lot of nonsense all the time,

a lot of fuzz, a lot of static. And it's mildly inconvenient 24-7. We're back on perspective, though, with party over here and party over there. Is packing peanuts is garbage to somebody who is only just trying to ship something fragile? Exactly, exactly, exactly. Yes, I love that we got here. Okay, great.

Yes. What's a teacher that really taught you and made you change the way you thought about just how you're going to live? I had a teacher who was also a bus driver. My bus driver, second grades. And he would say to me every day, Allison, don't sit in the back of the bus because you're small and you can't fit in your seatbelt and you roll forward in the aisle. So just sit in the front seat and I will catch you if you fall.

And then honestly, to me, he never spoke again, but he became a metaphor for my own artistic experience. Do you know what I'm saying? I was always trying to sit in the back of my art, and I needed to just get right there in the front of it. You might have got to get a front row. To metaphorically be dislodged from your art and to roll up the aisle into the little well where the door is.

Exactly. You know how it kind of like falls down and you get sort of. Where the handicap seats are. Yes, you get sort of stuck in there in terms of like with your art. Yeah. Yeah, it's frustrating. I'm hoping to reconnect with him. I do believe he has a vine.

Oh, I could imagine that being pretty fulfilling. Yeah. Hayes, who's your big teacher? I had one teacher named Mrs. Bones who was actually a speech person. Fix my speech. I had an experience where I saw a picture of the newspaper of Lillian Gish, and I tried to caress, embrace the newspaper in too aggressive a way. Okay.

And ended up sort of getting it, paper cutting my face in such a way that my speech was impaired. Oh. Can you give us an example of how that works? How'd you sound? How'd I sound? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, for example, if I were in class and teacher calling me and I'm trying to say Declaration of Independence, instead I would go. Okay. I can hear that. They couldn't really. Can you hear that? I can't quite. Yes, I can't.

It's subtle, but you're not quite enunciating the D in independence. You're sort of running by independence. Exactly. Yes. And so she had the same thing, which was what was so nice. As an adult teacher. Yes. Of speech.

Yes. The same Lillian Gish background as well? Exactly. The same Yes. Of speech. Yes. The same Lillian Gish background as well? Exactly. The same newspaper. Same copy. And to have someone, you know, to understand you in that way in a world where, you know, people are not interested in talking to you when you're saying those kind of things and we could be in class and she could, and she could teach me how to pronounce it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you feel, did either of you ever accuse the other of talented Mr. Ripley-ing each other? Because if your lives were so similar, so parallel. And granted, I have not seen the third act of that movie, but I feel like it's about someone taking on the identity of Matt Damon. Sean and I have had this conversation. But so, thoughts? Sean and I have had this conversation.

But so, thoughts? I think when we've done it, we've decided that we were both the Jude Law character. And so it's just a very easy relationship for us to get along. Two Judes. Yes. Yeah, we're both being tricked by someone who's not tricking us. Yes. Right.

We're kind of one another's patsies, but since there's no wolf, the two sheep are just kind of hanging out. Cool. Now, I guess I'll tell about my big teacher, Missy Castle. Missy Castle? Missy Castle.

Okay. I think she was, I think I met her right after or right before Mrs. Bones. Oh, okay. I think they're in the same block. They live on the same block? I think they were scheduled in the same block. Oh, scheduled. Oh, you had her right after Mrs. Bones.

She was that literal school teacher. Huh? Yeah. Well, Castle, I thought we were taking popular hour-long dramas and then saying that they were teachers' names. You know, that is what we are, and so I'm retroactively going to say the bus teacher's name was Mr. Madman. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I had Mrs. Castle. I very recently have been taking Ms. Quantico. Okay. I started to take Mr. Minority Report, but then he quit. What about? Did you have four more teachers? Four more?

Mr. ABC News at seven? Yeah. Mr. 2020 with Hugh Downs. Yeah. Mr. 2020 with Hugh Downs. Yeah. Yes. It's like we went to the same school almost. And anyway, Missa Castle. What did I want to say about her?

I guess she tried to teach me and just couldn't reach me. I was too far gone. Whoa. Yeah. Unteachable. Yeah, I think that the way my mind works is so unique and so different. Yeah. And I am just on this sort of artist journey that it is difficult to teach someone like that

because they're just experiencing things in a totally different way. Now, here's a question. Yeah, no, no. I would like to hear your question. I'm sure we have the same one. Yeah. So I have watched a documentary or two about feral children who are raised in abusive homes with no language, no affection, discovered around the age of 11, 12, right? Well-fed children.

Yeah. dissection discovered around the age of 11, 12, right? Well, for those children. They have, yeah. And at that age, they are unreachable because this very important stage in which the mind latches onto language has been missed. So is that what you're talking about? Were you raised in deep negligence? Well, I mean, I was a farmy brat.

A farmy brat? Yeah, I was a farmy brat. I was a... A farmy brat. Yeah. I was a... Farm orphan. I was a farm orphan whose dad was in the army. Okay. Now, was that what you were going to ask? Yeah.

Okay. The Feral Children documentary. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I was neglected, but I'm not so much talking about that as like... It's almost like the teachers are speaking a different language than I am just because my brain is so... I'm not so much talking about that as like, it's almost like the teachers are speaking a different language than I am just because my brain is so, I'm not going to say better.

Do you want us to say better? That would help. Better. Just so someone could say what's actually going on. We were talking about good teachers and people who had a really strong influence and there's nobody like that. Oh, really good teachers? I guess myself.

I would have to say myself. I was a huge influence on me early on and continue to be. When I think about some of my early shit, that shit was pretty fucking good. Right. And I actually do like it. It's nowhere near where I am now. Right. The stuff I'm laying down now is total next level, just fire, hot fire.

Yeah. Some of the blazziest comedy in the game today. Right. Smoking. Yeah. As the mask would say. The mask. You talk about the farm hand.

When you were, like, you've told me stories about doing your jokes on the farm when it was too windy and no one can hear your jokes. Yeah. And he would block the wind for you and help you get your voice out there and not be blown away. Is there a reason you don't want to talk about him? Oh, okay. Well, he taught me about the importance of sound. I mean, really, he was engineer farmhand. Yeah.

Because he wasn't generating any of the comedy, just like Sam's not doing jack shit right now. But he was helping people to be able to hear the comedy that I was making that was hot fire. You know, I feel that some of the best comedians are blind, as some of the best musicians are, because comedy is about sound. So they're cutting out the nonsense of vision to get you to that joke. Because they can't see it, and so they don't even want to be distracted by trying to look for the sound. Right.

Yeah. Either of you has a comedy hero, maybe somebody like, a lot of people would say Steve Martin, but we won't say that. But somebody who their comedy made you think about, now I want to be this. Well, I really wanted to say Steve Martin, so now I'm in a bad mood. Not allowed. And I am angered. But I won't say that, so I will say Della Reese.

Okay, because when you said, oh, wow. Okay, I want to hear more about that. Okay. Well, so wait. Now I'm getting her confused with Delta Burke. One of them made me go. One's a plane. No.

Mm-hmm. Maybe I am talking about the plane. Because comedy is laughing. One of them is definitely a plane. Laughing is man's, you know how people always want to fly, like in their dreams, or if you're told you could be invisible or you could fly, or you could have

the power of speaking Greek. I always say, you know, everyone's like, oh, I'd pick flying, I'd pick flying, I'd pick flying. Laughter is our closest way of flying. So that is why Delta Burke, the plane, my hero. I'd be able to freeze everyone in my class

so I could go around touching them. So my choices are freeze everybody in my class and molest them, be invisible, fly, or speak Greek. You know what I say to that? What? E pluribus unum, baby. Now, what I was gonna say about the plane idea

is that is a real big influence because a lot of times people say the sky's the limit and you're like well I'm influenced by something that's in the sky all the time I want to be and the limit's the outer boundaries but what I'll say to that as well is please don't tell me the sky's the limit when there's footprints

on the moon. Right, right, right, right. Why not? Did you have... Hot shit. Right. Well, Hayes influences, or yeah, what Sean... Heroes. Heroes. In comedy?

I love old funny books. Please, yes. And I love Shakespeare's insults. I have a book of the great Shakespearean insults where he calls people a friggin' frog and stuff. That's one of the first things that really made me... Incredible.

You know, Shakespeare is everyone says he invented so many words we know, right? And friggin' was actually the first, I believe. Yeah, he got that in there. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, I love that.

Shakespeare was really the original Veep in terms of making up an insult. And having three names like Julia Louis-Dreyfus. It was William Billy Shakespeare. And at that time, Billy was not short for William. It was just an entirely separate name. It's like if someone today was named Matthew Max Johnson, you wouldn't be like your – it would be separate. Keep going.

I can see you consulting your history book as you're – I know you want people to think – and I don't want to get back into our feuded stuff, but I know people want you to think that you just have all these history facts, but I can see that you are looking at the history book. Allison, the microphone. Sorry, Hayes. Sorry, I was bashing my head. She tried to break Hayes' microphone so he wouldn't be able to say the truth.

Okay, fine. Look, but does it make me less impressive that I am consulting a book rather than just having committed these facts to memory? I think it's very impressive that I carry books around. Yeah, and I see you wrote the history book as well. So I guess that kind of is. Yes, I didn't want to have to say it, and I didn't have to because you did. No, I have a big comedy hero. Go. My own mind.

That's, you know, that's really good. That's really good. Yeah. It's sort of, you know, they say don't meet your heroes. Oh, how is that for you? It's been tough because I often do have to sort of get in and investigate inside my mind and dig around in some of the dark alleys in there. And I understand that saying because it can be pretty scary. Now, here's a question.

People often say you need to have experienced tragedy to create comedy. But my life has been just bing bang, so good. So people are always like, how are you funny? Because you're- How'd you get so funny? Here's my secret, is I go regularly to places where people are having bad lives, and I steal from them the mental images, the emotions, the experiences. Exactly, exactly, exactly. Some of the characters they do.

Oh, my goodness. I know this one homeless woman, and she's always doing this character who's just a mad uncle. And you know that one-man show I did, Just a Mad Uncle, comes from that homeless woman. And now I can't go to that part of that homeless area. I can't let you escape part of that homeless area. I can't let you escape without giving us a little taste of Just a Mad Uncle.

I will say the one-man show, advertising it, is that confused me because I thought it was you doing a bunch of different characters, but it was you doing just one man. Right. There's actually several actors in the show. I call it a one-man show because we're all playing the same one man. Yeah. Just a mad uncle. And I'd love to hear just a taste of it.

Maybe we could do the scene where he's sending back his spaghetti. Yes, yes, yes. Guys, why is this the spaghetti when I said I want the one that's tubes and this is the one that's strings? He's talking about penne. He doesn't have the words for penne.

Okay, yeah. And that is pretty tragic I always say you can't experience tragedy without experiencing comedy oh as like just in terms of masks

okay like they're always going to be together you're always hearing questions in terms of masks we all wear masks don't we when I'm writing

you have that ski mask that you wear all the time. I wear blue blockers. Yeah, just because of the screen, I don't want to get my eyes irradiated. Yeah, that's a real risk. Fs up your endocrine system. Well, Allison, do you want to ask Sam about some of his good teachers? That's a great idea. Please tell me about

some of your good teachers, especially if you had any sort of sexual feelings towards any of them. It's almost inevitable to not develop those. A lot of our sexual awakening occurs when we're looking at our teachers. Honestly, I would say Engineer Brett has probably been the strongest teacher I've had in my learning.

He is lead engineer. Wow. And so the discussion was about a teacher that you've observed and had sort of a sexual feeling towards. And if that is Brett for you. Yeah, that's absolutely Brett. Please give us the dirty deets. You know, it's not, I don't really have any,

I don't know if I've ever really come to terms, yeah, I would say I'm fairly attracted to Brett. It was just this conversation right now. It was just the thing, I did not know that could be a thing as Brett is not a woman. Right. If that's okay, then yes. It is okay.

You're having a massive breakthrough right now. It turns out you are a kind of guy that is a kind of guy that we really like on this show. We love these guys. Yes. We think these guys are so cool and funny. And so I think that, sure, you know, that's a challenge. You see two guys like me and Hayes who are the kind of guys who, let's face it, chicks are digging on what we got going on.

It's like how you would feel about a woman. Right. I have the – Horny, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Sex horny. Finally the word.

To Brett. And now Brett is in a relationship with his girlfriend Busby as we know but there I'm sure there's

something we can do about that some sort of trick or scheme we could trick Busby as a woman I know that we're

very susceptible to tricks the number of times that I'm living I would say I said that my life was full of happiness the only tragedy is I'm living, I would say I said that my life was full of happiness.

The only tragedy is I'm constantly getting tricked. And so it just slows down my day when I'm like, I have some errands to run. I have to go pay my taxes. But, oh, no, someone has, there's a bucket of water that someone put in the doorway, tricked me. Operation splashdown. Operation splashdown. Putting a sexy long leg in the road and tricking you into picking them up.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Since you have all those tricks and you are a woman in comedy, would you say that you're just a fucking train wreck? Oh, yes, yes. I would. I would say my hair is never straight because wind is always happening to me. What a mess. A hot mess.

A hot mess. A hot mess. Sometimes just a lukewarm mess because I don't have great body temperature regulation. Circulation is what I'm saying. So sometimes, like, if you touch my skin, it's just warm and not steaming. And a little bit gooey. Yeah. And it leaves the impression of your hand.

You take your hand away, you can still see the indent of your hand. It's like if someone every morning painted my body lightly with chocolate pudding. And what's interesting is it's not very warm, but the pores are still giving off steam. Yes, steam pores. And breathing. You know, you've been making kind of a noise at different times on the show where you do kind of a like, yeah.

Yes, that's been going on. If you put your pores right up to the microphone like that. People think that's coming from my mouth. It's coming from my face pores. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that seems healthy to me. Yeah.

Just that your pores are really getting in the mix the way a lot of other people's pores are just kind of laying back in the cup waiting for their turn. You got pores that are taking control. You know, if I ever get a facial, I've done it twice, my pores scream. Oh. So don't get me a gift certificate for a facial for my birthday. Dad, he does that.

Oh, no. And so, well, we know your dad listens. That's what I call getting dunk my birthday. Dad. He does that. Oh, no. That's what I call getting dunked on. Yeah, that's true. Anything else with influences or anything? I think, well, Allison has a big commercial audition to go to. Oh, Allison, that's right.

So you're a fan of a sportsman in this? Yes. See, here's right. And so you're a fan of a sportsman in this? Yes. See, here's the thing. For what product? It is, I'm not, I like to wait till I get there to know. But see, I'm on a big time Fox network show. Ten episodes, hopefully they all come out. And I did this all so that I could get to go to Santa Monica and audition for an internet-only SAG minimum commercial. So it's all happening, fuckers.

And that's why we do this show, so people can see that next level is out there. It's always there. You grind away. You do all the work. Let's go through the order, right? Industrials. Table reads. Network sketch shows competing with Saturday Night Live. SAG minimum internet commercials.

Audio books. Christmas movies. An episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Don't forget catalog print modeling. Catalog print modeling specifically for turtlenecks. Catalog print modeling for L.L. Bean. And then a Judd Apatow movie. It's all happening soon for me.

Bye. Congrats, bye. Thanks. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Adam Sachs, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. That was a HateGum Podcast.