Hollywood Handbook - Alison Rich, Our Close Friend Again

Episode Date: March 27, 2017

The boys Sean and Hayes are rejoined by Alison Rich to talk about possible jobs. This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron (www.blueapron.com/handbook) and Harry's (www.harrys.com/hollywoodhandbook).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Yes. You remember during the Olympics, they were all happy about cupping? To both of you. Yes. We're both getting cupping and we're sort of like gabbing and gossiping just about like, you know, typical sewing circle stuff. Yeah. You know, who's stooping whom and who got the new, you know, gardener. Right. new, you know, gardener. Right. And I suddenly ask, I go, Brock, you took all the bugs out of the cups first, right?

And he goes, uh, and I'm like, okay, that's why. Because you had to bring the cups. Well, I brought the cups. And of course, all the cups in my house are- Trapping bugs. Used for trapping the bugs. And so I brought the cup. I just assumed he knew you're going to heat up the edge and sort of create the heat inside that's going to create the suction when you throw it against my skin.

But don't have a mad bug trapped in there. Right. Because it didn't feel the same way it did the last time Brock Osweiler did Cuphead. That's why you said something. And I started to have a suspicion. Yeah. And I could see inside of Amy's there was mealypedes and centipedes and octopedes. Yeah, and not dead because that's why you trap them because you want to kill them.

I would never kill, that's murder. Killing. I don't kill. I consider it murder to kill. And that's just, you know, and I know there's a big debate on this. Yeah. And I know that Mr. President Trump

doesn't necessarily agree. Yeah. And I respect his right to, you know, legislate differently. Because that's why we have all these checks and so forth. And you could be convinced, I think. Oh, God, yeah. You know, I'm nothing if not willing to learn. The one thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything.

But right now, I consider Keeling to be murder. And so you got cupped with a hot bug. So I got cupped with a hot bug. The bug go inside me, laid eggs in my lung, and I've been coughing up little baby bugs all week. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker.

Back always. We call showbiz. We love having Allison Rich back on the show. We love doing that. And we're doing it today. It's one of our favorite things. Because we want to have her back on, because, so funny, nice, cool, and sweet, so funny, nice, cool, and sweet,

we decide, okay, what if we do some kind of email or phone call to see if she'll show up? Mm-hmm. And tell us about your experience. Yeah, want to know what... And so I'm at home doing my business. Yes. Taking care of my medical needs.

Yes, yes, yes. Of which there are three changing all the bandages and cleaning them it's a whole ritual and honestly some people don't like it when they have a chronic long term wound based disease

but I find that it forces me to check in with myself multiple times in the day just to be aware of your body of my body it's about having a ritual. Exactly. You know, having a routine. Yes. To be able to pay attention to your breathing and your seeping.

The weeping and all of that. The weeping of my having wounds is your body can cry from more than one place. Is what I'm saying. Which allows you to keep your eyes clean. Exactly. So you can see. It's very dangerous to cry when there's maybe a...

Thing you need to see. Yeah, a jaguar. Jaguar, oncoming vehicle, your stepmom. Your stepmom in a plane. Oh, yes. And one of those like Flintstone type planes where your feet are sort of kicking through them. We're all there.

But so I was doing my business and my medical needs and twice a day I look at my computer. Sorry, are those two different things, your business and your medical needs or your medical needs are your business? I mean, my medical needs are my personal business, but my business, business for which I pay taxes and such is different.

Business, business, for which I pay taxes and such, is different. It's, you know, I'm an upholster, primarily. And so. I have been saying for a long time that you should be getting more into that. Yes. Because I know it was just kind of like a hobby for a while. No, totally. And you did like acting and stuff, but now it's like full-time upholstery. It's all that it is.

Because honestly, I feel like my star is shining brightest through the various couches I button-tuffed. And the different, I mean, it's mostly couches. What could you upholster beyond that? I was going to ask you. And you asking me, I feel like. That was a big question I had. Is there somewhere else we can take this thing? Because I've seen people upholster couches, but you are so creative, Allison.

And you're such a trailblazer. Have you thought about it? If I could upholster a trail, I would. Yeah, upholstering a microwave or? Oh, my goodness. You know, I've only in my dreams have I here and there thought about it. But really, at this point, I've kept myself to, you know, couches, ottomans, things like that. But I mean, that's the thing that I do limit myself.

You know, I go stay in your lane, just follow the rules. Because some things are too hard and should be. Exactly. Softer. Yes. Now we're getting into something I've really wanted to talk about, which is how hard these rocks are on these mountains in Los Angeles. They won't let up. Have you tried going on a hike here?

It's like hiking on rocks. Yeah. Not carpet. Maybe we put a little soft material on some of these rocks. Are you challenging me to upholster a hiking trail? A race up the mountain. A race. A race to the top of the mountain

upholstering all the rocks. And now we just have to find someone else who does this. Jackie Chan, perhaps. I know he's been involved in big races like this. Races? Yeah, he's been in

some really big races. One of the most popular ones. Oh, I see. I am weird in that I know him mostly from his martial arts and his movies. Well, one of his movies is Around the World in 80 Days. Uh-huh. And it's a race around the world. Okay.

But also— And this is like that just up. Yeah. It's up to the world. Instead of to the side, you're going a race up the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And ideally it doesn't take 80 days because I'd like to go for a hike next week. Please.

And not have frigging rocks everywhere. I mean, let's talk about the hard stuff that gets in our way on a daily basis. Rocks. Certain roads, very hard. Some of the ones, yeah. Just to name one, I would say La Jolla. La Jolla. That whole La Jolla road.

To name another one, Sepulveda, I believe it's pronounced. Yeah. Yes, that one is hard as asphalt. As it comes. Toilet seat. Toilet seats are so hard. And toilet seat road is very hard. Yeah, toilet seat road.

I had an aunt who had a toilet seat that had a cover on it, you know, sort of like a padded situation. Oh, was she available? Was she available? In the past, she was, and presently, she still is. Oh, wow. What a stroke of luck. But yeah, I thought that was so classy, like a cushiony toilet seat cover. Sometimes it would even have plastic over that.

And sometimes the toilet seat would be heated. That's all I want is my PPE when it comes out to be warmed up. Because it's like, peeing is like giving birth to your waste, is how I think of it. And so to, instead of being like, ugh, come out into the cold, you know, ceramic or whatever porcelain bowl. And you can't put a blanket on it. No, no, no. Because it's like the sands of time.

And I, a lot of times will try to slap my peepee when it comes out, you know, just to get it breathing. Yes. And, and I find that it's not as receptive to that, I think because it is so cold. Right. It's shocked. Yeah. It, I think because it is so cold. Right. It's shocked. Yeah. It's shocked.

Exactly. So it freezes up a little bit. But let's get that pee-pee warm and moving. Yes. That's a good idea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So rocks and roads and toilets, hard stuff. Yeah. Those are the three hard things that we see. Do we want to talk about three soft things? And, you know, it really goes hand in hand because you say toilets are hard, but poops are soft. Yeah, stuff you can downholster. Do you do any of that? Downholster, it took me a second, but then I was right there.

You know, I do downholster, which for the uninitiated basically means you rip a layer off something. When you upholster something, you're putting a thing on, maybe some stuffing. Downholster, you remove. You're skinning a surface. Stuff that's too soft. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get even. You get to the meat and juices of the thing.

You know, so I could, I mean. You really like to think of it as skinning. Like that is the only way it really works for you is that it's like skinning around. Because it's all an exchange of power, right? Yes. And so when you come and you, I mean, skin something, you're saying, whoop, I made you a layer more vulnerable. Yeah.

Yeah. You know? And maybe you could. Well, you're so big on everything is an exchange of power. Exactly. Yeah. And now the skin is just kind of lying around, whatever it is, not being used. Maybe somebody could put it on and get more power.

Yes, yes, yes. Wear it as a coat. Every interaction you have, you are either gaining or losing power. It's all, yeah. That's some law of thermodynamics. You can't destroy energy. You can only move it around. Yeah.

You know. Yeah, no, that's one of my favorites. For such a life philosophy, I thought this would be more thought out for you. But who has time, you know, to work out all the nooks and crannies of your own brain? No, you want to get the basic idea and you want to get moving. Get on the road, you know. Yes, yes, yes. Yes.

And I mean, which brings us back to an earlier topic, which is, yes, I was in, I am of the Hollywood as an actor, as a star, but really this year I've been called to the upholstery lifestyle, which many people don't know is a very big part of Los Angeles, you know? Yeah. No, many people don't know that. Mys very big part of Los Angeles, you know. Yeah, no, many people don't know that. Myself and Hayes included. Yeah, well, here I am to give you the whole update about it. Sure, yeah.

So anything else you could tell us? So there is twice a year a huge upholstery fair, the winter one and the summer one. Okay. Because you can, if you're really, you know, on this scene, you can sort of redo all your furniture twice a year for winter theme, summer theme, da-da-da-da-da. And spring and fall, go fuck yourselves. Go fuck them. I feel like, did I see this in a subway car once? Is that where this is happening?

Oh, yep, yep, yep, yeah. Okay. And that's another thing is people rarely are using the Los Angeles public transportation. So you can just have a fair in there. You can have a whole fare. When you said subway car, I thought you were talking about my cousin's car that has like a – I love subway. Yeah, it has a subway sort of wrap.

Because your cousin was like, hey, subway, I'll do deliveries for you. Please let me. And subway said no, but he had already gotten his car. They said we don't do delivery. And so what he did was sort of an early version of Postmates. Right. Where he would just hang out at Subway and he would go, hey, are you taking this to go?

And they'd go, yeah. And he'd say, I'll follow you. Yeah. Just here, give it to me. I'll follow you. Because then your car won't necessarily smell like this. Yeah. Because Subway is so, I mean, you walk by a Subway on the street of the store

and you can smell that bread stink coming at you. Yeah. Right? And it's like, now I'm going to have it in my car. And we're all pretty sure that's not bread. I smell that stink, and I'm Yogi Bear. Oh, yeah. I'm transforming into Yogi Bear.

I'm floating into the store. By the nose. Feet in the air. Bonking up against a window. Constant bonk. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I don't think that's necessarily bread. You know what I think it might be?

What? Crack. Cocaine. Okay. Because it's so addictive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the thing about bread is you if you, you know, have you ever done one of those cracker bread challenges where you're trying to eat

like six saltine crackers in a day? Oh, only a million times. Right, of course. I did it today. Did you succeed? Oh, no, no. You can't. Because that's why I keep doing it because when I do finally get the victory,

I'm going to make so much back. I always have a big healthy wager on the line. You just keep doubling up. Yes, I've been doubling it for a long time, but I will ultimately, when I finish it, eat all the saltine and the bread, like you said. Mama, that's payday. Do you want to get a bigger take of you

the first time you said crack? Do you want to get a bigger version of that? Oh, yeah. Ryan, can we cut that in later? Because I feel like the initial swing you took was sort of that. Oh, yeah. Ryan, can we cut that in later? Because I feel like the first, the initial swing you took was like a sort of soft. Okay. I didn't even really know what we were. Yes, exactly.

Yeah. So just to put in later. But you can set it up again. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. And I think, you know, I'm pretty convinced that's not even bread. You know what I think it is? What? Crack. Cocaine. And I think, you know, I'm pretty convinced that's not even bread. You know what I think it is? What?

Crack. Cocaine, you know? I mean, that's how addictive this stuff is. I think it's crack. That's good. That'll stitch into the other stuff, right? Yeah. That'll match up.

Allison, I love it, loving this. What do you want to talk about? We usually, sometimes we'll have a discussion. Right. And we'll say, oh, we talk about this. Yeah. And it's usually like, what do we talk about the books? Or like pre-show, we'll go like, let's have a talk about books. Yeah, yeah.

But this. We already talked about books. We already did it. We did books a long time ago and we're kind of out of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, it's called Hollywood Hand Book, but you're really just the Hollywood Hand Boys.

You know, humans, and you don't always need to be talking about literature. We don't always have to be talking about books. No. No.

Thank you! I'll shout it from the rooftops. Yeah. But we do need to say something on this. I mean,

what's on my mind the most these days is transitions. Okay. Life-changing. The lenses. Glasses, lenses. The transition glasses, lenses. But also.

But for your life. Exactly. Okay. So you go out into the sun. Can I say? I don't know if this is too forward of me, but I feel like when I bring something up, Sean's going real literal and Hayes is going real deep. And I love both.

Oh, okay. You know, transition lens. The mix of deep and shallow. Exactly. And you're asking if you can say that? I mean, I'm asking in a way that I'm not really asking, where I'm just going to say. Okay, because you started, can I say? Right.

It's this thing that I do to make myself seem like less aggressive, but it's really passive aggressive. I'll be honest. I know that about myself. Because my answer would be not yet. Not yet. Can you say that? Not yet. Do we want to stitch it in later? We'll get a take of that

later. I think it's going to come in handy. For right now, I would say when you are talking transitions, you're talking about what exactly? I'm talking about what exactly? I'm talking about stages of life you know we're all butterflies

except the thing is that you think okay a caterpillar becomes a butterfly but then what if the butterfly becomes a bird Kalfka what a trickster you know and so I feel like in my life.

Andy Kaufka. Yes. Andy Kaufka. Man on the Moon played by Jim Carrey. Andy Kaufka. Yeah. And I just feel like right now if I'm being, if I can be vulnerable, I am going through a transition. Oh.

Out of Hollywood. Because this is something I would like to potentially talk about. You're transitioning into Up and Down Holster. Yeah. What, like, how do you

do, find another career? Right. Not because of anything going wrong with your initial career. No, and you're doing good. You're doing good.

But you just get curious about other stuff. And how to make money. It's in fact because I'm doing so good that I'm becoming curious. Because I'm like, hi, hello, Hollywood, here I am. This is easy. This is peasy. This is no problem.

I came here for a challenge. Yeah, it's been there, done that. All the time, every day. You know, I just... Been there,, it's been there, done that. All the time, every day. You know, I just... Been there, done that, win there, fund that, and now we're already tired of succeeding. What else is new? What else will I be allowed to do?

Yes, because I'm doing so good and definitely am making money. Oh, too much almost. Yeah, yeah. And so I'm going like, can I do something else? Yeah. Can we make a different amount of money or something? Yeah, because I am curious, like everyone said. What do you think would be a good idea for a new job?

Yeah. Well, I feel like I have been lucky that I am finding that it's in the down and upholstering world of like furniture makeovers. Yeah, I don't want to make me sneeze. But that's, yeah, for you guys, I think it's about identifying like what is the type of thing that you're drawn to but scared of? You know, I am comfortable being uncomfortable and you guys need to be there too. You know what I'm saying? Drawn to.

Drawn to but scaredwn to, but scared. I like to work without my hands. Okay. Okay, so like foot stuff or torso stuff or your mind? I'll use any other part. Okay. No hands. Okay.

So maybe pottery because that you would think. Because these are gnarled. You're looking at these. Oh, it looks like I'm looking at the roots of trees. And sometimes trees are seemingly trying to connect with them as well. To take their nutrients. Have you ever seen that man who maybe is in Africa who has skin that's like tree bark? Oh, wow.

And is it okay that you said you thought he was in Africa? That we just assumed. Especially if he's not in Africa, the fact that you just thought he was. I think it is okay. Okay, good. That'll be good for our show then if it's okay. If it's not, I don't think you're the one who's going to bear the brunt of this. And I feel okay about that.

Because, you know, you put a thing out that gets comments, I think. My life doesn't get comments you know what I'm saying yeah I don't even like I said way earlier I look at my computer twice a day

only one of those times is to look at emails and even then half of them I don't open so I really have created a little personal fortress

where you can't get comments would you like to open your life up to a couple comments now though maybe you could get some comments on your life I mean you're mentioning it it seems like maybe you your life up to a couple comments now, though? Maybe you could get some comments on your life. I mean, you're mentioning it.

It seems like maybe you're curious. Anything to say about gamers? Comments. What was that, Ace? Do you like gamers? Do I like gamers? I mean, I don't know if I like them, but I have dated a couple. Let's just say that.

Okay? Oh. So here's a comment I'll make on your life. Okay. Okay. Oh. So here's a comment I'll make on your life. Okay.

Maybe it was just me, but this life felt like it had like a weird vibe around it. Was there some tension happening during this life? Mine. Mine life? Yeah. Well, you know. That's the thing people like to comment. What was Allison going for with this life? I'm not sure I really got what she was talking about.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, to speak Hollywood, the third act of my life was a little like, what? You didn't plant the seeds for that earlier on. Where are you going? So I'll own up to that. This life was a little like, it was sort of like throwing things, not even at the wall, at like the side of the wall. Missing the wall. I wouldn't say missing.

Through an open doorway. Yeah, yeah. Was this life aimed at Pete Holmes? Was it aimed at Pete Holmes? Yeah, was it making fun of him? I do find that making fun of people is a way to get them to respond. So I'd say, sure, I'm making fun of him. I'm making fun of, I'm seeing a macaroni picture of what looks like Paul F. Tompkins.

Oh, no, please don't roast Paul. Yeah. Please don't. Please don't put him in the roaster. Here it comes. He's always wearing bow ties. He hates hearing that. Sorry, I say things that are true. Allison, he doesn't know that about himself. He hates hearing that. Sorry, I say things that are true.

Allison, he doesn't know that about himself. He's got to. I'm ready to tell him. He's been in the roaster. He's going to be so mad. We'll never go back on Spond. What's a job? For you to transition to?

Something I can do just kind of hanging out. I can come up with ideas. Yeah. I've been up with ideas. Yeah. I've been blinking really fast lately. Is there anything for that? That feels like, is your mind like a human camera? You know, like don't like, I don't know how photography works, but isn't it like aperture or something?

Your mind could be a human camera. If my mind is human camera, is that potentially an avenue to financial? But not too much money. To perhaps leaving my kick-ass basement condo that I live in in my father's home, which I love. But at some point, I'm thinking it could be cool to try. Is there another world out there that you could dominate so hard and crush it even as much or more as you are? Now, would you want to live in a mansion or a regular house, an apartment? Who, me? Do you guys ever play that game M.A.S.H. where one of the options is what kind of house do you want to live in?

Yeah, and Radar and Hot Lips, Hoolahan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's always like mansion or dumpster is a bad one if you didn't know. Radar is such a weenie. Oh, yeah. And Hot Lips, Houlihan is such a fox. Yeah. That was all after my time.

Oh, yeah. When that was coming around, I was just like, what is this? Or making fun of war? Hawkeye. Yeah, no, it was like, I was like, war is to be respected. These guys smoking doobies and stuff are supposed to be doing war? Yeah. I'm going to say I am lost about what this is, but I'm going to participate in the conversation.

Okay. It might have been, you might have missed it too. It might have been a little bit later. There was a show called MASH. You remember like everyone was excited about the show MASH and we were all sort of like, what's the story? Yeah, all the kids were into MASH. You remember everyone was excited about the show MASH, and we were all sort of like, what's this story? Yeah, all the kids were into MASH. You like this?

So my little nephew got me to watch a couple of them, which is how, but I, of course, in the same age as you guys, we're all a little bit old to have been into MASH. The game that I play that is like MASHA.S.H. is called Moosh. Moosh. Yeah. Is that like the... And it's for food.

Mm-hmm. What food you'll eat when you grow up? No, just when I get my food. Where to get it? I gotta moosh it all together. What to do with it? I gotta moosh it into one sort of... One big food.

Piece, yeah. What do you do with it? I got to moosh it into one, like, sort of big piece. One big food. Yeah. So if you're getting, like, pizza and fries and ice cream for a fun dinner, you're going to moosh it together? That has to be a moosh. I would have to moosh it into just. A paste. Yeah. Fried pizza cream or something, you know.

And so that's just one moosh, and then I have to be able to do it in one bite or else I'm not allowed. That's hard. Is that a job? Is that a job? Mooshing the food? Well, there was that place Cold Stone. For a king or something. Yeah. There was that Cold Stone Creamery. Ever been there? It's an ice cream place.

Too loud. Too loud. Me? Too loud. No, no, no. Yes, but no. Cold Stone too loud. If you're in there and I've been in there and I do get scared like a dog that might get scared and just start running around. And so it would be very dangerous to be back there with all the equipment. The sound is crashing off the stone is really what's happening.

Yeah, and I would just start going nutso and crashing through maybe the front plate glass window. So, that's not a good idea unless there's a silent version of Cold Stone. Right, okay. And you have that for me?

Any of these jobs is going to have to be silent. I got to say this about the stone as well. Too hard. Remind me of going on some of these hikes in this town. Right. I mean, would you, I guess if you need a quiet thing, you want to be any kind of librarian? Is there a no hands version of that? Well, so you need quiet and you need no hands.

Well, we do want to still be friends. We do, yeah. So some job with quiet, no hands, and friendship. I'll do the hand stuff, but a lot of these books I don't agree with. Okay. And I'd have a tough time letting people read these around me. Right. You're big, you're into censorship.

Is that accurate? It's not censorship. It's protection from dangerous ideas. Right, right. Because some of these books are saying something like that, you know, like, what's some of these books are saying something like that, you know, like what's some of the books they have out there? They have The Little Mermaid as a book. Okay.

So that mermaid to me appears to be essentially regular size. Yeah. Do you think of mermaids as the size of fish? She's much bigger than the fish. Oh, she's not little. So even that, then she would be huge. Like, what's little about her? She's the same size as the guy she winds up dating,

which makes her kind of tall, actually. Yeah. Well, is she the youngest? Is it really the youngest mermaid of the family of mermaids, baby mermaid? Is it like... Okay, then call it the youngest mermaid. I family of mermaids? Baby mermaid? Is it like... Okay, then call it the youngest mermaid. I mean, it's not fucking rocket science.

Here we are talking about books again. The one thing that we are not supposed to talk about. Yeah, it's true. We're doing it too much. It always comes back around. Books are everywhere. The problem is if there is a trash can at the library, Sean is going to... When he's holding a book, he often has an instinct to make a three-pointer, Michael Jordan style.

I've heard of him. Into the trash can. Okay. And then after the fact, I think. Best three-point shooter of all time, Michael Jordan. I just fucking step up. I cross him up this way, that way. And he'll dribble at once, which then he has to kind of pick it up.

Yeah. One dribble, set my feet, and shoot. Isn't one dribble a drib? Like, isn't dribble by nature plural? It certainly sounds like it. Here I am to do nothing else but challenge. Yeah.

Wow. Dribble definitely sounds like a plural word. Yeah. Sorry. No, no. It like a plural word. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. No, no. It's not something to apologize for. It's something to be celebrated. That you never just take it at face value and go, okay, I accept this.

Right. Like some people do with like The Little Mermaid as a title. Like a zombie sheep. Right, right. Or just like when I have friends and peers, I'm always like, look at you. You're a tapestry of characteristics. Some of them are good, some of them are bad. And I'm going to make you aware of the bad ones. Kind of like how you guys were commenting on my life.

I want to do the same. Comments. Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, brother. Okay, we were afraid this might happen. Okay, we were afraid this might happen. Captain Creepshot is here to give us another freaky experience.

He's taken to trying to get in really close with all his photos. He used to sort of stand back and try to be invisible, but now he wants you to feel the discomfort of him almost penetrating you with the camera. He dresses nicer and nicer every episode. This is a tiny bit. To the point where I feel like the next time he comes in, he's going to be wearing a fancy mask and a big gout, just kind of glided, holding his camera. I'm just going to look right at him.

See, that is, you would think that challenging him would make him nervous or something like that. He's become very bold. They're aware of me, what am I doing? No, there is not, like, he likes that. It's now become part of it for him. Well. But this is a job. This is a job, perhaps.

I mean, you couldn't do it because it involves hands. Is there a no hands way to do this? What you're doing? No hands? Yeah. Hayes is looking to transition to a new career, but one that does not require his hands. His handy words. And the one that is quiet enough for my friend to be there.

Yeah. Sean needs quiet. Yeah. Put like a GoPro on his head. Oh, that could be fun. Okay, so for anyone who needs someone to talk into a microphone to hear them when they listen to a podcast, what Kevin just said was put like a GoPro on his head.

Now, I don't know who he was. I don't know what the GoPro is doing, but that was his idea. I think it was me. We were talking about me doing the job. Okay, great. And so I think he was saying I could put a GoPro on my head and then I wouldn't have to use my hands, and then I'm being Kevin, and that's my new job.

Oh, okay, okay. Kevin, maybe get one of these for me. He's doing like a very casual, excited, sort of like he thinks he's in a gif, but he's not because there's a lot of movement. Two peace signs. Was it blurry? Two peace signs and Two peace signs. Was it blurry? Two peace signs and a big smile.

Is it blurry? You need another one? Yeah. Yeah, he's saying, peace be with the world, and my mouth is big. There we go. So that'll be a good photo for everyone. Yeah. Kevin, do you want to get in and maybe make a comment on Allison's life,

like an internet-style comment? Yeah, like if you were a YouTube comment on Allison's life like an internet style comment yeah like if you were a YouTube commenter for my life what would it be your life is dope AF okay okay

and that's gotta feel pretty good yeah yeah even from a creepazoid I did yeah I made my voice shy

yeah just sorry sometimes when I get so complimented my whole body and voice get small. It's funny to me that AF took off as hard as it did when, at the drugstore, there's tons of stuff that says AF on it. And it's all antifungal. I didn't know at all what was happening in your logic, but then I did know.

You explained it. Yeah. It's everywhere. Yeah. There's a lot of stuff. It all says, like, Lotriman AF. Yeah. That does remind me that for whatever job that we have, it does have to be a no soccer shoe thing.

No soccer shoe thing. Yeah. I can't have a closed toe. Okay. Maybe like, well, I was going to say masseuse, but then you've got to use your hands. Hmm. Something that's really not involving. I don't think they like the term masseuse.

Is that a true thing? They don't like that? I think probably they would be a licensed massage therapist. Okay. I think masseuse implies prostitute. I see. Hmm. I've got to stop calling certain people that. Hmm. Okay. I think masseuse implies prostitute. I see. Hmm. I gotta stop calling certain people that.

Hmm. Yeah. Oh, gosh. I mean, maybe, you know what? Leaving so soon, Kevin! Did we make you uncomfortable? You pulled up a chair! I don't know if they want that. No, Kevin, you can stay. Yeah, Kevin, you

can stay today. This is a special treat day for Kevin. He gets to stay. So, Kevin, who are you? What's your age? Are you a college person? How's your facial hair coming? Not good.

Seems like in a transitional. It's a couple different colors, and I don't like it. It's like a rainbow. It always upsets me when men have hair on their face that's not their other hair. Oh, yeah. Yes. I hope you feel insecure. How do you feel about mine?

It looks like it matches, but it also doesn't know boundaries. You know what I'm saying? Because it's just like all... It looks like a coastline. You know? That's right. Very natural. So my name is Kevin.

Kevin. Mr. Natural. I'm 24 years old. Bad age. Bad age? Right? Yes. No, you couldn't pay me to go back to being 24.

No. All the money in Egypt I wouldn't take. Your body's changing. You know? You have zits. Your hormones are going crazy. Your body is changing. You know, you have... Your hormones are going crazy. All those zits. The mood swings.

Yeah, yeah. You're hot all the time. It's the time when you... Popping zits and stinky pits. It's the time when you want to look your best. But you look your worst. But you do because you're always trying to ask someone to prom. You know, but you can't because you've got stinky pits and poppy zits.

So, Kevin, I'm sorry. Continue. You're 24. That's all I have to say. And where are you from? That's kind of Kevin's main thing. That's his age. Is being 24.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of my interesting fact. I take photos. And to think about it, it's not very interesting because millions, if not billions, millions of people in this world are 24. I'd say billions. No, because there's only like 7 billion people in the world and 24-year-olds don't make up a seventh of the world. Yeah, no. I think that you are wrong when you said what you said.

Yeah. And see, it's all part of the developing 24-year-old brain is that you can't like... Yeah. If you were in a consulting interview right now where you had to guess like, oh, a plane goes to Starbucks in San Francisco, how many iced lattes could it fit in its hull or something?

You'd be really bad at answering that. Brutal. Brutal age to be because you can't answer that question about ice lattes and i wouldn't go back to that age for basically all the freaking money in egypt yeah i'll tell you what kev i i i just i wouldn't want to switch places with you buddy like let's say this was vice versa with judge reinhold and uh fred I'd be like, oh, no. Because that movie, they switch places.

And look, I would like to do it in the sense of taking your job. Oh, yeah. We're trying to, like... If we could do it without hands and if we could have an open-toed shoe. And it's actually quiet. It's quieter than it is right now, Kev. Well, opening doors would be tough, like getting into the room. Well, that's what the open toes would be helpful for.

Oh, gross. Wow. So is that what you guys are trying to do? We're talking about transitions. Transitioning. Going from being Hollywood moguls to another thing where it's like not so much success, not so much money, not so much like, oh, we're so good at this. Right.

But it is some money. Some. That would be, oh, we're so good at this. Right. But it is some money. Some. That would be, yeah, that would be good. Some. Take what? My job then. And what do you want to do?

Yeah, what job will you have? Yeah, Kevin, what does Kevin want? What job will I have? What does Kevin want? What does Kevin want? Riding would be neato. Like signs?

Like big signs? Riding like a horse? Or riding like a horse. Oh, wow. You've got to enunciate your D's or T's so we can know and help you. If you're into riding, you should go out to a sort of rodeo area. Just go find a horse to put your body on. I don't need my hands, too.

I could just jump on there. Oh, yeah, no reins. Not going to use the reins. Not going to use the riding crop. You must have strong adductor muscles where your thighs are just keeping you glued to that horse. I put my hands above my head like it's a roller coaster. Yes. That seems very dangerous to me, Kevin. Is the horse going to jump?

No, we stay flat on the ground. Do you do dressage? Dressage, are you familiar? Dressage is a type of horse dancing. This is real. I'm a licensed dressage therapist. It's also like two steps forward, one step back. It's like, I don't know, a horse is there and people are watching them and they're doing tricks,

but none of them involve jumping. That's a thing. I had a friend who tried to start a dressage team, but it's much money. It's too much to get a horse. Yeah, it costs all the money in Egypt. How much money is in Egypt just so I'm getting this gauge thing? Oh, my God.

How sin. Think about it. They have this gold cat over there. It's probably worth a frigging million dollars. They have a giant gold cat. Friggin' King Tut wasn't doing so bad. There's a lot of horses in Egypt, right? Kevin, I don't fucking know.

Jesus Christ, Kevin. We're talking about money. Wow, mood swing. Okay, hormones, baby. Mood swing. Uh-oh, that lookout, he's about to pop a zit. He's about to blow. God, you know what? Maybe enough 24-year-oh. Look out. He's about to pop a zit. He's about to blow. God. You know what? Maybe enough

24-year-old for right now. Yeah, that might be enough. See you later, Jack Bauer. Got him. I can't believe I got him. What time is it? You have to go to the airport and never come back. Is that correct?

Never come back because, again, anytime I'm stepping in Hollywood, people are like, jobs, money. And I'm like, please give me a break. So I'm just trying to get away. Transitioning out of California. And maybe the jobs won't follow me. Yeah. Where to?

I'm going to Washington, D.C. because I have a nephew, and he's there, and he is a year older than he was when he was born. He's a year. Yeah, okay. And so I'm saying hi to him for that. And maybe you can be washing tons of sofas over there or something. Yeah. Yeah.

Or washing tons of D.C. Pearson. Yeah. Maybe shampoo him or something. Yeah. Is he a little too hard? Is he too hard? And can he get some upholstery on him or something. Yeah. Is he a little too hard? Is he too hard? And can he get some upholstery on him? Mm-hmm.

Mm. Yeah, or to be down-pulstered, because it's like to remove a layer of his skin so he's softer. Oh, right. Oh, God, to have piercing power? Oh, yeah. I mean, is that kind of what you're imagining? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

I mean, is that kind of what you're imagining? Well, I feel like we were starting to end this thing when we were talking about how you had to fly, and then we got right back into this very juicy plum of an idea of skinning DC, which he's actually a really good friend of mine. I really don't know if— You don't like talking about that. I don't necessarily want to take a layer of him off. You don't want anyone to do that.

Adding a layer? Okay. Well, that's what I was saying. I was saying he was too hard. I said it. I said that too. I guess sometimes the answer when something is too hard is to put a layer of softness on, but also sometimes it's to remove.

So I went the remove direction, but we could put a nice floral... Sometimes it's just to wait a few of softness on, but also sometimes it's to remove. So I went the remove direction, but we could like put a nice floral. Sometimes it's just to wait a few minutes. Yeah. I know what that is. And don't think I don't know. Yeah. Like if you made a cake or something.

Mm-hmm. And it's like a really hard cake. Mm-hmm. So I just wait a little bit. Yeah. Well, I am in a bit of a bind here. I don't want to do this anymore. Oh, no.

You want this to be over. Yeah. But you don't know what to do. But how do I bring that up? That's going to hurt Allison's feelings. Why don't you want to? Honestly, I don't even know. Like, I don't even know.

I don't know what I want. I just know it's not this. And it's the same as the job stuff we ran into where it's like, I definitely don't want to do this job anymore. And I think I'm doing good at the podcast too. And I'm making a lot of money. And you don't want to go,

you want to get out of here, but you don't want to go home. But I don't know where I want to go. I want to go somewhere quiet. And you want to get out of this even though it's going really well. It's just like if you gave money to this situation, it'd be a lot. This is a good episode, you guys. Yeah. So it's not about that.

Yeah. Because I've wanted to get out of bad episodes just a couple weeks ago. But this one, it's good. And that's maybe even why I want to get out. Yeah. Because I don't want to spoil it. Right. And, you know, I will.

My feelings will and currently are hurt. But the thing about me is that, like, I don't really let that come to the surface for, like, years down the line. And by that point, you might not even be around me to experience. Those feelings are like cicadas, aren't they? Right, like 17 years that they're asleep or something. Where they bury themselves down underneath. Yeah, those are my feelings, like an exoskeleton. 17 years.

You remember that song by Rat-A-Tat? And when they come out, I guess the cicada is like the feelings. It's time to breed that it's time to breed. It's time to breed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it is like feelings of anger but also like sexiness. Passion. Passion and anger are so closely related.

Big Little Lies is exploring that a bit. Bye! Bye! I'm a horny girl wolf this has been an Earwolf production executive produced by Scott Aukerman Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon for more information and content visit Earwolf.com

ow that was a hate gum podcast