Hollywood Handbook - Alyssa Limperis, Our Moms Friend

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

ALYSSA LIMPERIS comes to the studio to become The Boys' moms. This episode is sponsored by hims ( www.forhims.com/THEBOYS ), Harry's ( www.harrys.com/handbook ), and Quip ( www.getquip.com/theboys ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. It was counting down. We're backstage, cold sweat. It was me. It was John Gabrus. It was Matt Besser and Cheech Marin. And we are supposed to do this huge 420 show at Carnegie Hall. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Pretend to smoke weed. And none of us have ever smoked weed.

And we're realizing in the moments. It looks like you're breathing fire. I'm not a dragon. I'm a man. Yes. I'm a man, baby. That is not what he says. It doesn't matter.

So that is not what he says. It doesn't matter. I, so I am in this position now where we don't have anything and we've got a bunch of angry weed junkies. You don't even have any of the stuff, any like of the. Nothing. Okay. I mean, nothing. And I'm going.

I would have gone outside and like picked something and hoped that was right well what happened to me is i go we just need to have some of the language right yes and i start uh google search doing looking at weed word and i fight and like a bolt of lightning it hits me and i don't know what the deal going to be with the licensing or anything like that, but I just go, guys, I got it. We come out stage dark. I go, he was a bong ripper. Milky tube hits, yeah. It took me so long to come down. came down welcome to the 420 show everybody

you sang bong i sang bong ripper and i'm telling you i mean besser kiss me on the lips because i had saved the day this isn't a story i. I'm not bragging. You know, I mean, I barely skin of my teeth survive, but sometimes it just works out. It was a spiritual experience, I think, for everyone there. I think people think Besser kisses people on the lips to share his like bong smoke or whatever. I guess it's like a weed thing to kiss people and give them some of your weed puff. But in his case, like you said,

he has never smoked weed before. None of us have. It's insane to do. He's just an affectionate guy. And that's kind of like when Carson invited you over to the desk. It is, yeah. When he will give you a kiss on the lips. Yeah, it is similar to that moment moment where for a young comedian starting out when

Carson would kind of give you the, the shocker and you would, you would be a shocker. Yeah. Yeah. The shocker. I don't want people to think that you were not the shocker. Yes.

Hey, welcome to Hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet line back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We love having a guest. And today we love to have, and so Bosh has been very busy in the room today. And he is making a lot of little rustling. And he is going to eat a toothbrush treat. rustling.

And he is going to eat a toothbrush treat. We love to have a guest and Bosh has a toothbrush treat. It's good for his teeth. And it's a nice Saturday. And it is, isn't it? And today, Alyssa. Alyssa.

Oh my God, thank you guys for having me. Talk about being Alyssa. Don't hold anything back. Well, it's funny you even say that. I mean, I'm choking up over here. You're talking about this story. I remember when I got the Shaka. I mean, I'm getting so emotional over here from Carson. From Carson.

From Carson. I mean, God, what a day that was. Shaka, bro. Yeah, yeah. I remember that episode because that was when I first got to meet. I had heard his music, but I got to meet Asher Roth on that episode yes yes oh my god I love

college and that was my wedding song wow really because you were getting married to college in a way okay because you were literally marrying your college I don't understand the in a way you married your college I don't want to like a way aspect of it. You married your college.

I don't want to like. You don't want to soften it. But people have, of course, come for me. You can't marry a building. You can't, you know what, a building, right? Right. So, and that's where kind of the. And I do know what.

And I am not positive what. But if you gave me a handful of guesses, I think I'd get so close that I might as well know what. Yes. Yeah. And first of all, it's a lot of buildings and some like grass area. Yeah. And book. That's part of the college.

You are marrying the books as well. And bookstore and little cafe. Yeah. So who wouldn't want to marry? Well, that's kind of been my stance. Yeah, the Nescafe, the sweatshirts. Do you know how many sweatshirts I have? Please.

Ah, please. I brought you each one. It's warm in those. Yes, yes. That is so good. Yeah, so you married your college and you married it to the song I Love College. Yeah, it was kind of like your hat situation. Yeah, well, we talked a little bit about the situation with my hat, which is, of course, I have a dog named Bosh.

And when I met Alyssa this morning, I said, this is my friend Bosh. And I am wearing a hat that just says the word Bosh. And there was so much because the friend, too. I've never heard a dog been introduced as a friend, which is kind of nice, too. Sure, yes. What am I supposed to call him? What do people say?

My enemy? This is my enemy? This is the mayor? That's not the mayor. It's a dog. There is a town where the dog is a mayor. I think it would be patronizing to say this is a dog. Yeah think it would be patronizing to say, like, this is a dog. Yeah, because that would be...

That presumes that you are fucked up. Yes. Yeah, when I introduced... Hey, but hey, it's 420. Who knows? Oh, my God. You know what I mean? I hear you.

Yeah. Well, of course, when this gets released, it won't be even close to 420. Yeah. If it gets released. Oh, yes. Because a lot of times... Something would have to go crazy. Yes. At this point. I it gets released. Oh, yes. Because a lot of times... Something would have to go crazy. Yes.

At this point. I'm not ruling it out, though. There's a lot of show left. And we don't know what we're going to stumble into, whether it be something dangerous, political, pornographic,

race, or gender issues. political pornographic race or gender issues the Mueller report unredacted we have to be aware we're definitely going to talk about all this stuff we live in freaking planet earth

you guys hear that little dicky song I heard the little Dickie song? I heard the little Dickie song, which is a list of funny animals. I actually kind of watched it with a volume, very low in a work situation, but it was enough to get me to love being part of the earth. So you've seen the earth song and Lil Dicky and have you donate any money to the planet?

You know, I really feel like I'm being put on blast right now because I have not listened to the song or donated to the planet. You didn't give Lil Dicky any money today. Okay, but I'm drinking out of a mug. Okay, it's not a plastic cup. Hey, and me with my metal straw Okay, the metal straw And it's the Never Not Funny mug

Which is the most environmentally friendly mug And am I hearing a sound? Is Brett doing this? Yeah Brett, are you playing the Little Dicky song? Yeah Brett is being very extra There's a whole little bit of a sketch leading up to it, I think You don't want to watch the entire thing We can't listen to the Little Dicky song? Yeah. Brett is being very extra. There's a whole little bit of a sketch leading up to it, I think.

You don't want to watch the entire thing. We can't listen to the Little Dicky song right now. I think we will get in jail if we do it. Although, isn't it good if a song is a charity song to play it anywhere you could imagine? I think so. That could expose a lot of hypocrisy. Wow. I think so That could expose a lot of hypocrisy

Wow Imagine getting the law To try to be in trouble with us Oh and I mean There's a lot of show left And there's plenty of show left And there's a lot of show left Saying the truth

So we don't know Alyssa you do these moms huh Yes And you do videos moms, huh? Yes. The moms. And you do videos of being your mom. Yes. And you do

and you take commissions to perform as anyone else's mom. That's correct. That's correct. Especially for close, very close friends like you two. Oh, that's nice. Okay so you you won't just be anyone's mom no okay no i yes i have a one mom uh paul kind of a monopoly on the one mom yes which is yours or is that someone else's mom that is my mom okay yes yes yes we live together so we

spent a lot of time in close proximity oh You and your mom live with your mom. As adults. Yes, as adults. And you have to, people don't realize this, to do an impression, you have to have lived. Kevin Pollack lived with Christopher Walken for, I think, 15 years. Yes, yes. To really get it exactly right. Yep, that's, I mean, SNL, those guys, they're never sleeping in their own beds. They're at pop-up every week to week. They have to go, yes. They're going across. I mean, it's the, that's, I mean, SNL, those guys, they're not, they're never sleeping in their own beds.

They're at pop-up every week to week. They have to go, yeah. You gotta jump, yes. They're going to, I mean, it's tough. Bill Hader has to go live with Vincent Price this night and then with Vinny Vedici the other night. Yeah. Yep. And it's, you get great ideas.

Of course. But it can be stressful as well. Of course. Because sleeping in Al Pacino's house. It's not easy. And then you got to pretend to be checking his bank balance. Yeah. Now, you don't have to get into this too much, but I have noticed that when you are hanging out with your husband, College, you are sort of perform.

You are in costume as your mom. mom, I do sort of wonder if you ended up in a situation where you met college wearing your mom costume and your college thinks that you're your mom. Listen, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a little bit of cosplay going on. A little bit of oh, I'm the mom visiting campus for the weekend.

That's a little bit where it started. Cosplay is one thing. We all dress up as Cosby. There's a little bit where it started. Cosplay is one thing. We dress up as Bill Cosby. We all dress up as Cosby. Yeah. There's a line where it stops being, I dressed as Bill Cosby. And it starts being, my college husband thinks I am Bill Cosby. And do you know how much therapy we've had to do to undo that?

It's tough. But at college college there's a free counselor is there not and that's right and you bet your ass we've been taking advantage of that okay so yeah i'm in there all the time and the food i mean really when you marry the free counselor yeah the free food free counselor i mean yeah there's bands. Free rubbers. Yeah. I don't want to get gross free rubbers. And you and I'm glad you said that because, again, this is a basket of rubbers to spread the word. Whole basket of rubbers. We always I always fuck college safely. Yes. Yes. Well, yeah. You don't want to have any little junior colleges? Not yet. Okay.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And a lot of people say, well, why didn't you marry an Ivy League? I don't even want to really give them the time of day. Well, of course, my entire career is just based on a cabal of Harvard cronies who have sort of lifted me up. Sure.

And just sort of shuttled me off. Yes, just pushed me from gig to gig and no qualification. Yes, just here, sir, have a big bag of money and put your name on whatever. Yes. Oh, I love my Crimson Alma Mater oh god the lampoon boys the lampoon the crocodillos all my old uh chums do you want to do a do you want to do a quick uh like i know there's like a special arrangement that you do oh yeah of uh. What's that song by Tonic? Tonic.

Oh, my. That's not... I'm confusing it with Dishwalla now. What's the Tonic one? What's the song, Brett? Easy Mistake. What? I was just saying that. Is Tonic if you could only see?

Yeah. Okay, yes. But yeah, the Crocodillos rendition. And if you want to jump in, Alyssa, we all know. If you could only see the way, maybe you would understand

why I feel this way about her love. What I must do. Why I feel this way about her love. What I must do. Have you got all they see? How blue her eyes. Stick around for the kegger afterwards. You say that during the song. During the song.

That's important. That's when people are paying attention. The crowd is, the minute we start that song, famously, the crowd is fleeing. Stop leaving is basically what you're saying. That's important. The crowd is leaving. The minute we start that song, famously, the crowd is fleeing. They're leaving. It's a bit of a closing number. So we kind of have to plug the event after. You get it. The biz.

Alyssa, we were wondering and we don't Sean and I always have these walls up and we hate talking about like personal stuff. And this show is kind of about like putting us in a place where we can be vulnerable and we can like kind of share stuff in a way that this business is actually can be very scary to be sharing. I've been trying to share my most sensitive pieces on this show and to become actually almost a little baby for the audience. Yes. And I've been pretending to be sad a lot.

Yes. Which is on a show can be very good. Yeah. People really can get excited about that. Especially on podcasts. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

I mean, that's how these things, yeah, pop off. And I've been, I guess, pretending to be brave when actually I'm pretty fucked up. Wow. Wow. But that is fake, too. This is fake. And this is progress. This is huge.

Doesn't it sound good? I mean, wow, boys. I feel honored to even be in the room. So you're hoping to be a little bit more vulnerable? Yes. And if we could maybe set up this scenario where you are becoming our mom. Yes. And we can give you information about our mom and you can do impressions of them.

Great. And we can sort of engage with them and say maybe some of the things that we never were able to say. To your mother. Yes. I think this is beautiful. And just in the spirit of honesty, please shout notes at me if I'm doing it wrong. Feel free to just cut me off and tell me I'm doing it wrong. Okay.

So you just want to start from just like a baseline. You just want to get into it. You want to get you feel like you have a good feel for all moms already. Without knowing anything. And then we will start giving you notes from, so this is going to be the uncarved block of a mom. Yes, great.

And then we can start coming in. Gorgeous, gorgeous. So whose mom shall we start with? I know, I just am remembering the famous quote you had about doing an impression of someone's mom, where you said, I look at a piece of marble and I remove everything that's not their mom. Yes.

Thank you. I get embarrassed hearing that. But yeah, that's it. That's the truth, you know. And I don't have this tattoo for nothing. So that's what I live by. And I'm going to do it with you folks here. Great. So let's break down some rules. Let's do my mom.

That came out wrong. Mom, no. Is Deadpool around? He will take you to task. Is Deadpool in here? He would frigging own you for that. That came out wrong. That came out wrong as hell, man. Do my mom. Do my mom. Jesus, be careful you for that. That came out wrong. That came out wrong as hell, man.

Do my mom. Jesus, be careful you say that around. Now I've heard it all. Now I've heard it all, including some I didn't want to hear. I don't want to picture that. I thought I'd heard it all, but yeah. Oh,

boys will be boys. Holy fucking shit. Jesus. 420. Things really do happen when people are doing weed. Yeah, so let's... So we're going to start with your mom. Yeah, so let's...

Go for it. Do her. I did it. Don't! We have to get into it. We gotta get into it. Don't. We gotta get into it. We have to get into it. We gotta get into it. But I didn't even mean to. So we are getting closer to being able to release this show.

I didn't even mean to. It's just like funny, spontaneous stuff happening like that. This is the kind of thing that could get a show released. This is Spontanean Nation. Yeah. We are suddenly living in Spontanean Nation. Oh, God. Okay.

Spontaneous Nation. Okay. We're going to try again to perform, Mom. And I'm, yes, going to get, I'll leave. Okay. Dinner's ready. Wow. That's like exactly right.

That's incredible. Where did Alyssa go? And when did Hayes' mom come in? Hey, take your shoes off in the house before talking to me like that. Okay, so you were saying that to Sean. He's your friend coming over. He's always here. What about a little bit of just mom and son time?

Okay, so that is actually something that really did happen, where Sean walked into the house and said something rude. I, at the dinner table, was cursing. Yes, you told everyone in the house to go screw. I said, go screw. They, well, I have to, first, I'm allergic to crab. I am allergic to crabs. Well, you know what? Wait, to crabs allergic to crab. I am allergic to crabs. Well, you know what?

Wait, to crabs. To crabs. Oh, okay. Because you say, I thought you said, you also say you're allergic to the bull crap sometimes. Oh. I am. I think we can all say we're all allergic to that. Oh, yeah.

And when you hear it, you say, achoo. You say, achoo. Sorry, I'm allergic to the bull crap. That's right. If somebody is trying to shovel me the bull crap, achoo. I'm sneezing because I'm so allergic to the bull crap. That's right. If somebody is trying to shovel me the bull crap, I chew. I'm sneezing because I'm so allergic to that. Oh, my God.

And there's no cure for my allergy except to just get that bull crap away from me. And can I piggyback on that? Yeah. When I walk into a situation. I was down caring for that. That came out wrong. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Motherfucking Deadpool here. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Motherfucking Deadpool here. Oh, fuck. He keeps getting... I walked right into that. That was close. I walked right into that. Almost went away.

Yeah. Well, I was just going to say, Achoo, when I walk into a room and there's drama, no way. You're allergic to the drama. I'm allergic to the drama. Drama, yeah, thanks. Get me a Zyrtec. Get me a Zyrtec. I'll get my drama from the Romanoffs on Amazon. Thank you very much.

I don't exactly need to go hunting around in my personal life for any more doses of drama. Say a word. I have plenty of it over here at the Romanoffs. I think, yeah. But you, in this case, you're talking about crabs. You're allergic to crab. I'm allergic to crabs. And when I see they serve me, his mom had made California rolls.

She went, you're from California? I can't do her voice like you can. You're from California? And there's crab in California. And I go, oh, thanks. I'll eat this. Oh, no, wait. I can't.

Go screw. And the whole table goes screw. Oh, my God. Okay I can't. Go screw. And the whole table goes screw. Oh, my God. Okay, now we're back in. And now we're back in. Can I say the one note on this? So, like, you are basically exactly right, except for Emphysema. She has, like, a voice.

She has Emphysema. Yes. Okay, thank you for the note. Yes. Thank you for the note. Yes. What'd you tell me? No, she has, like, a machine.

Okay, so even worse. It's like a robot voice. Yes. Okay. What'd you tell me? You tell me to screw off? Look at me. I'm sick as a dog.

You fucking son of a bitch. You ipa crabs. Well, guess what? I can't eat anything because I got a tube coming out of my neck. I'm sorry if you can't eat the crab, you motherfucker. Well, that's pretty good. Yeah. She does creative cursing.

I don't know if you've seen the movie Johnny Dangerously. But she curses the bad guy in that movie. Instead of fuck, she might say. Joe Piscopo. Well, no. He's like the secondary bad guy. It's Roman Maroney is the big bad guy. Yeah. And instead of fucking, he

says Fargan. Thank you. And stuff like that. Yes. But like it doesn't have to be Fargan. Just like creative cursing. Fargan Icehole. Yes. He says Fargan Icehole. Fargan Icehole. Remember in Johnny Dangerously when he shows the big gun? Yes.

He's got the big gun. Joe Piscopo pulls out a big gun with a long barrel. And he goes, see this gun? It shoots through schools. Oh. It's pretty funny. And at the time, that was a funny thing to say. But not for her.

She's married to a college. Yeah, so that's... Well, now you hit Cosby and schools, both things that are, yeah. For you or... For me, those are no-go zones. Those have negatively affected my marriage and sex life in a major way.

But creative curses. You're mad at me. I just said, hey, everybody screw because of the crab. And I'm allergic to the bull crap as well. Why don't you get your Farslead

friend out of here? That's very great. Wow, that's one of the most creative curses I've heard. Miss Davenport, can I have a fork so Brett has this thing where he always

he calls her by the wishful thinking calls her Miss Davenport wow she is of course married to my dad Mr. Davenport

and she is a missus but Brett lives in this fiction yeah where where she is a a miss and sometimes lives in this fiction yeah where where where she is a miss and sometimes he will say

little miss Davenport looks like I should be changing my attention to this fine gentleman over here wow I've been here the whole time okay

when Brett smells crap you know it's one of those things Brett is of course our neighbor and when he smells the smell of the crab wafting out the window, he will, of course, ding-dong, doorbell. And I eat my California roll with a knife and fork. Yes.

That's how I serve it. And he makes a huge mess. Yes. He makes a very big mess. It's the worst way to eat it, but I don't like to get messy. And screw you. That's the breath? Yeah.

Okay, sweetheart. What were you with your friends in the room? Yeah. And your friends just cursed me out. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling? I love when she does this. Hey, watch your mouth, buddy. Oops.

Now I'm in the crosshairs. No one's safe from Hazel's mom tonight. That's right. That's right. Sweetheart, you're so beautiful. I'm so proud of you. Oh, my God. Well, one thing I've noticed about her

voice box is that she does have different settings yeah she does where sometimes she'll sound raspy but she can't actually change it to sound like different fun celebrities it's sort of like Waze how you could have different famous people

like Vlade Divac or whatever would be the voice of your ways app yes she has she likes to switch through them a lot yeah there's a bunch of different ones she has Elaine Stritch that's pretty close to that

that was the one she was just using Elaine Stritch yeah Bea Arthur Estelle Getty who else Rue McClanahan. She has Kamiya Cabello. Okay, yeah. That's the new

updated. It's connected to Wi-Fi, so it gets updates. Right, right, right. Who else does she do? Well, she does Fife Dog. She does

a handful of other celebrities. I mean, she does Michaela Watkins' Ariana Huffington. She does Dennis Leary. If that makes sense. She does Dennis Leary when she's going on, when she's ranting. Yep. About some of the hypocrisy that goes on. Or when she wants to talk about Cindy Crawford.

She does Cindy Crawford. Of course. Are there any other celebrities that you've known to be in these voice boxes that you think it would be fun for a mom to do. Yeah. I, I, I, I feel like she's always doing, um, she's always doing those, um, what are their names? Of course. The Pussycat Dolls. That's it. The Pussycat Dolls.

Yeah. She's always doing the Pussycat Dolls. She's singing their song. She's always doing. Danity Kane. Mm-hmm. She's always doing, uh doing Reese Witherspoon in... In...

Sweet Home Alabama. Cruel Intentions. Sweet Home Alabama. Yeah, in Sweet Home Alabama. She's... Yeah, Cruel Intentions. No, she hates that one. She doesn't want to talk about that one, if you remember.

Fear, Big Little Lies. Big Little Lies. Yeah, she got back on the train for that one. She's doing Reese and, yeah, okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay, that seems like that could be fun. Yeah.

Okay, so let's go back into the scene, and we're remembering this. Yes, my mom. Brave of all of us to reenter. I know this is tough and emotional. And I just want to remind you guys. I know you were planning on crying. Oh, go ahead. Yeah, I already did start to cry a little bit, but I think I can do it again.

Wow. And yes, we are remembering that my mom does, go ahead. Yeah. I already did start to cry a little bit, but I think I can do it again. Wow. And yes, we are remembering that my mom does funny celebrity voices. Yeah. Yes. Which, thank God. And she does creative cursing as well. Yeah. And creative cursing.

Yes. Yeah. Hi, sweetheart. It's me. A little bit of Rue McClanahan and a little bit of Reese Witherspoon. And I'm not quite sure which. It has the in-between. It has dimmer switches. it's me, a little bit of Rue McClanahan, and a little bit of Reese Witherspoon, and I'm not quite sure which. It has the in-between. It has dimmer switches.

That's right. It gets stuck between two sub-dives. It's stuck between, and we don't know which way it's going. But they're both sweet, and they're both here to say, I love you very much. Now, these smart asterisk friends of yours are here, but I don't care about them. I just care about you.

So tell me, what do you think of the crab roll? Care about me. End your life. Pardon? Don't care about me. I'm right here. No, here we go. Here we go, your friends.

Here we go what? You're eating my crab. Where we go? No, I'm not eating your crab. I'm a little crab. I would if I had a fork. Oh, here we go what? You're eating my crap No I'm not eating your crap I would if I had a fork Oh here we go with the fork You uncultured Sun

Sunshine Oh god my son I uh When you accidentally Called Brett your son. No, I meant it like the sunshine. No, it really, I know you accidentally called him your son. No, sweetheart, please. I would never.

I know you. I really would hear this, your son. You mostly, when my friends are over, you talk to them instead of me. Oh, sweetheart. And you call him your me. Oh, sweetheart. And you call up your son. Oh, sweetheart. And I don't like that you make me sing the National Anthem

when I wake up in the morning. Can I freeze it? And I just want to say, Brett, this music might not be quite right. Maybe we play that I Love the Earth song that Lil Dicky did under this. Yeah. I want to just be able to wake up in the morning

and not sing the National Anthem and not do the Pledge of Allegiance. I want to just go to school and do it there. Sweetheart, no, I want you to do it in the safety of the own home, okay? In front of me. No, I'm good enough at it now that I can do it without practice at school

if you are then why don't you prove it to me and your two buddies right here in front of us one last time if you do it well that'll be it and he's in acapella so he can help you out if you need any backup here we go I'll do the Pledge of Allegiance.

I'll do the Pledge of Allegiance. Because we already have a song. I promise. Oh, sweetheart. To enjoy the flag. Oh, God. Every time I have dinner sweetheart

dinner I go to the beach and eat the sand beach beach beach now you landed the ending but the start was a little bit off spontaneous nation there we go

under God There we go. Under God. There we go. Mrs. Invisible. There we go. See, so we, not bad. Not bad. Boys?

Yeah, that was pretty moving. Okay, good. Wow. Jesus. That helped me exercise a lot of my demons yeah that was really good then just like getting that out there and like you know she died 75 years ago so it's like to be able to like have that conversation with her was really really helpful for me should we get into my mom at all yes that would be great. And that sounded wrong. Crazy. No.

That's the show. Now that's more like what the show is. That's what I signed up for. Crazy. And I know you only heard a little bit and you were mid-scene, but were you enjoying that I Love the Earth song? Now, I gotta be honest, I didn't hear it at all.

And I can't wait to hear it. Wow. Yeah, I gotta be honest I didn't hear it at all And I can't wait to hear it Wow Yeah, I do love the earth I do And so you are It really just seems like Gonna move through the world Pretending not to be able To hear the song

So you don't have to A, love the earth Or B, give Lil Dicky any money Can we take this offline? Can we take this offline? Yes, Brett, any money. Can we take this offline? Yes, Brett, take this offline. Brett, activate offline. Brett, activate offline. Listen, please, I don't like the earth.

I don't want people to know that. I'm trying to put on a nice face here in front of your guests. I do not like the earth. I hate the earth. Oh, you do hate the earth. I do. The things that the earth has done to me, I don't want to explain them here. If the earth did to you what the earth did to me, you also would be trying to punch the earth and make a hole. Yes.

So anyway, let's go back. So you are, and this is about a bee sting. Am I correct? Well, and I didn't want to say it out loud, but yes, this is about the bee sting. Everybody's so concerned about these bees that are all disappearing. Oh, no, the environment, the bees. I'm sorry if you wanted me to care. Maybe you shouldn't sting me.

When something starts disappearing and it's a huge red flag that the entire environment's falling apart and it's not something that stings me, then you have my attention. Then call. Yeah, exactly. So your song is basically, I'm fighting the earth, that you are hoping to release and people give you money. And where does that money go? And then again, it's sort of this cyclical thing that it goes to fight the earth. And it's a list.

It goes to a B gun. You've got a bunch of celebrities, but they're singing a list of things that harm them. It's like, hey, I'm a humvee. Yes, I love that one. Yeah. So instead of all the fun and funny animals. Yeah, that kind of thing. That's right.

Yeah, that kind of stuff. And you're shooting the bees. And who'd you get? I'm shooting the bees. Because the Earth, they got DiCaprio, Bieber, Ariana Grande. They got those guys? Katy Perry. Yeah, they got like DiCaprio, Bieber, Ariana Grande. They got those guys. Katy Perry. Yeah, they got all that.

But who did they get? We know so far that you're good at coming up with celebrity specifics. So if you could, it should be very hard for you. Yeah, if you could hammer through them. For sure, for sure. Tear off like nine or ten people that you got. Totally. And then two more Reese Witherspoon movies.

Yeah, that's cool. So I guess if we wanted to do probably the Beatles, we got what, five of them? Yeah, that's cool. So I guess if we wanted to do probably the Beatles, we got, what, five of them? Okay, that covered a lot all at once. Now, Brett is nodding his head and biting his lip in a provocative way. When she said,

we got, what, five of them, and you think that that doesn't include all the Beatles? Because so many people helped out. Two left. Brett likes to talk about the fifth Beatle, which is him. Well, yeah. Well.

Clearly. Well, listen, I'll throw you in the mix. What does that mean? I need four more who-dos. The guy who does the Verizon commercials and then switched over to Samsung, maybe? Middle Ditch? Yes, Middle Ditch. No, I think Middle Ditch swooped in.

I think this guy, he was the Verizon guy, and then one day he just became the T-Mobile, maybe? You guys know I'm giving you these good specifics, so I think you guys probably can see his face perfectly. Who else? Who else? Ronald McDonald? Who else? These are all Ronald McDonald. Who else? These are all people I had on the track. Okay.

They sing on the track. All of these people. All of them. Wow. Yeah, and then Obama. The Obamas. The family came on board because they don't like the earth.

They're with me on that one. So that's a whole, I mean, if it's all the Obamas, that's another like four or five. So we're there. There we go. And then Reese Witherspoon movies, what do we got? I guess Legally Blonde 2.

Okay. Red, white, and blonde. And we'll call white and blonde the second one. So not a spark of recognition on the subtitle for Legally Blonde 2. Red, white, and blonde. So yeah, I'm sweating. What else? Well, let's get into my mom.

Yes. We're a bunch of dirty freaks. Okay. Fuck you. Okay, so you want her to start from baseline again? Just start it, and then I'll jump in. Hi, sweetheart. It's me, mommy.

Keep going. It's me, mommy. You got your dog. You got your baby. Yeah. I can't wait to see him. So if I could chime in. I thought I had mentioned this, but my, so my mom, you're close.

My mom is a team of male scientists. I'm so sorry. I forgot that. And you explicitly mentioned that as I walked in the door and here I go. No, it's not. Yeah. And here I go. No, it's not.

Yeah. I was obviously, I was conceived during the battle with the cosmonauts when it was the space race. And we were trying to build the perfect astro man. And we did. They built a really good space guy. And then the leftover stuff, the drippings sort of um uh fell into the radiator and i was born a little bit later in the um pipes yes and it's a beautiful beautiful story and of perseverance of perseverance and it's and the movie twins obviously is based partially on my experience and of course you guys know of course i know that movie and the plot and everyone in it.

So, yes. Well, you're a media junkie. I'm a media junkie. I'm a freak. You can finish this sentence. The two actors playing the twins are? The twins are the boy and then the boy who looks like him. And I loved that movie.

I really did. Of course, yeah. The premise of the movie is two people who look exactly alike. And very funny to see them both. It's kind of funny to see that, isn't it? It's so funny. It can be freaky funny. It can be so freaking funny.

I'm bent over laughing sometimes when I see two people that look alike. But my, so my mom is an accident that a team of male scientists did in the space lab during the battle with the cosmonauts. Yes, great. And she, they, used a lot of creative curses as well. Thank you for the note. Sweetheart. I'm sorry that was too female I'm gonna go reset

multiple men so we can only imagine how deep that would be oh my god yes oh fuck oh fuck there's some sperm it went on the radiator

and now it's got arms. Oh, no, it's a baby. Who wants it? Who wants it? This is taking me back. I'll take it. This is taking me back. All right, get in my arms.

Let's go play catch. You can hear how smart they are. Oxygen, helium. You know what? We'll deal with iron later. The periodic table, there's too many elements today today is for me and my son and I'm gonna do the picnic

later we'll worry about the test tubes and all the little slides with guck on them that's for tomorrow wow hang on. So you,

you always have time for your buzz and burners and your say it, say it, sweetheart. and burners and your Say it! Say it, sweetheart! Erlenmeyer flask and your very early computers like a Tandy or something. Yes! But you never have time.

And your twin. Big hug! And also you had time thank you for my twin who's a big spaceman when you two get together it's so funny sometimes to you

I'm sorry I'm getting off track I love you I'll spend more time with you I'm sorry it's too late I'm moving to Hollywood to be friends with Hayes. Oh, God, I got to step off scene. I'm a little bit emotional after that. I'm so sorry, boys.

But my God, we had a breakthrough there. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. It was about our friendship all along. It was like frozen. Yes. I had blocked that out. I can even feel the energy from both of you.

I mean, you're more open, your posture. Yeah. I'm so glad that I was able to. I am sort of, yeah, I guess presenting. It's true. Hayes is in what my surfing instructor called the stripper stance. Yes. Chest forward, butt pushed back.

And there's a level of balance there. I'm like, as in the animal kingdom, when you want to prove yourself as a protector, basically. And you, I have ways of making myself look very big. as a like a protector basically and you I have ways of making myself look very big well it's not unlike Justin Bieber's baboon

in the I Love the Earth video of course what does he say? he says hey I'm a baboon and then he says something something

something something and my anus is huge and then his butthole sort of slides towards the lens of camera. It's animated. It's tasteful. Butthole? That came out wrong. That came out wrong.

He did say butthole. I missed that at first. He did say it. I'm guilty of that. I accidentally said that came out incorrectly. Yeah, I did say. That came out wrong. That came out incorrectly, yeah. I did say butthole. I meant to say barthole. So it was, I guess, never really about our moms.

No. It was about us being friends and really becoming each other's moms. Wow. That is so beautiful. So you just moved out to Hollywood. Did you move out here to be friends with anyone? Not yet. Did you move at your mom?

Was it an action directly against your mom? I think, as Freud would say, it all is. It all is. I think it's really about. Freud would say that so much. He would. It all is. It all is.

Dear Watson, I've been here for a little while, and I think it's about, when you first come out here, it's about figuring out who the person is that you moved here to be friends with. And everyone says that. You don't know right away necessarily but but they're here yeah and yeah i mean i and i'm i am not ruling out strangers here you should you should rule out kevin yeah i have ruled out kevin i have pulled out off i mean it's like people say like i want i'm keeping an open mind i'm not ruling out anyone who's a person

i moved here to be friends with. But you absolutely should rule out Kevin. I appreciate that. Thank you for the note. Yeah, so I think I'm still very – I am still very open to it aside from Kevin. And we'll see. We'll see who I moved out here for to be friends with. Any short list at this point?

Any celebrities? Well, I'm glad you asked for celebrities. Yeah. Yeah, definitely for celebrities. Yeah. Yeah, definitely some celebrities. There's so many of them. There's so many that my mind is kind of. And you sort of love to reference them and know their names. And know their body of work, I think, to kind of know a lot about them.

The subtitles of all their sequels and everything. That kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess, you know, Rihanna. Okay. Of course. That's,

she's really famous. Yeah. And so that's what people say. And I say, okay, well, good. I say good.

Yeah. That would be great for you. Um, who else? Better than what you're doing. Um, um, and please don't look at the people on the table.

On the table. Okay. Right. Cause those are all off the table too, table. On the table. Okay, right. Because those are all off the table, too, in a way. Yes. I guess I would have to say Mindy Kaling. Okay. We had a little bit of a...

Now, she's friends with BJ Novak already. That's a person that she moved here to be friends with. And they did make a book deal to write about their friendship. So I don't know if you're exactly going to get in there at this point. To me, that seems like not a great use of your effort to try to create a wedge between BJ and Mindy. BJ's, of course, been on the show. Friend of the show.

Well, that's a good, yeah, I think I am always going after unattainable friendships. That's what my therapist would say. So I'm probably, there's probably something in there. Freud. Ah, can't get away from him. Can't get away from him. Who else? Pete from Pete's Coffee.

Ah, yes. With the E's in the middle. Yep. Yep. That could be good. That's cool. That's what I liked about it. And that's what kind of drew my eye.

It wasn't the coffee, if I have to be honest. It was the, okay, we're flipping this on its drob head. Probably didn't hurt that I saw Bill Simmons out of Pete's Coffee once. And you, of course, know who that is. Well, do I know him? Do I know him? Come on. Bill and I, I mean, we have stories that we can't say on air, if you know what I mean. Wow, okay.

Okay? Because you don't remember them. Because I don't know what he looks like. I couldn't pin him down if you paid me from a lineup. Oh, yeah. Now, see, in my childhood, we played board games. We didn't really look at the news, pop culture. I don't know a lot of, there's a lot of gaps in my.

Is there any board games you moved out here specifically to play yeah with your new best friend your celebrities are the spy from Stratego exact

now we're talking yeah Mr. Monopoly Colonel Mustard yeah yeah yeah these are the kind of yeah so I came out here initially for Taboo

oh to be friends with Taboo to be friends with Taboo but that guy has so many friends a lot of boundaries that was kind of the and basically the origin of this whole pc culture honestly yeah there's people becoming obsessed with basically taking the game taboo and trying to live it all day long yes where it's like everyone every time i i say anything it feels like someone is like holding a freaking taboooo card and hitting the buzzer on me.

Yep. And it's like you can talk about that kind of thing, but you can't use that word to talk about it. Exactly. And so I'm having to come up with all these creative ways. Believe me. Me too. These creative curses. I mean, they make the mind do gymnastics up there.

It's so early. We're doing a podcast so early. It's not that early. It's after. Not as early as you're making it sound. Well, for the folks at home, it's 5 a.m. So you tell me if that's early. Jeez. She gets to create the universe. That's right.

She says it. We gotta go along with it. The first thing we say, we have a guest and we go, hey, when you get in there, you create the universe with your words. And I appreciate that. We are building a playground in the listener's imagination. And the playground is a universe. Yeah.

Anything you would have liked to have done when you were on Comedy Bang Bang a couple weeks ago? Oh, yeah. We like to give people the opportunity. Stuff you got stepped on. You know, on the drive home. You get fully derailed from certain things. On the drive home, you're like,

ah, that could have... I should have. It was fine. It was fine. But that could have been really... Oh, my God. Well, no, I think if I had... The Rue Callahan.

You did. Her name is Rue McClanahan. You did that on Comedy Bag Bag as well? No, I didn't. I didn't get to do the Rue Reese kind of crossover. You wanted to do that on Comedy Bag Bag. I was drooling at them. So you got to do basically you came here loaded for bear to do. Yes.

Wow. And I walked right into it. And I walked right into it. And Reese Witherspoon. An amazing, masterful chess play from you. And I had to sort of, you know, use your mom's disease as my entry point. And I don't feel good about that. But you were going to get there no matter what.

No matter what. So I have to say thank you for that opportunity. Was there anything else you guys wished you heard me do on Comedy Bang Bang? I wouldn't have minded a shout out to me. Yeah. Well, I'm always listening. This is one of my problems with Comedy Bang Bang,

which I guess is a nice podcast. But when I'm listening, they're not talking to me. Yes, I get that. And it's as if I don't even exist in the world of that show when a lot of times it's got some of these guys and gals and what and the host i know them yeah or i'm at least in their sphere in a way where it's like you want to stop down for a second just be like or when someone does that show we have them on like two weeks later. Yes. So we're like, okay, so how about this? What do you think of this?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, what if we did them the service of maybe just talking about some of the folks they've had on their show? Kind of pay it back. Wow. Oh, okay. That's almost a list of celebrities. But luckily, I have some notes here.

Yes. Maybe we'll save that for the next. Maybe we'll save that for 20 years from now. Yeah. Yeah. And we'll save it for never. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm.

That's what celebrity. And he does call me baby. Yeah. Not so much lately. I wonder what happened there. Can I make a case? Hey, guys. I can't even begin to unpack that. wonder what happened there. Can I make a case? Hey guys, Chef Kevin here.

I can't even begin to unpack that. Fucking icicle shooting through my brain. Just, ugh. Can I make a case for Alyssa being friends with me? Like, kind of the perks?

You said a lot of time to think about this. Uh-huh. Yeah, that came up a full 25 minutes ago. Yeah, sure, go ahead. Hey, Alyssa, do you like basketball? Am I supposed to be hearing this? You can't hear this either. I'm seeing

this avoidance strategy. Oh, I haven't heard. Can you hear me? Oh, I haven't heard anything the whole me? Oh I haven't heard anything The whole time So you have been wearing headphones That weren't on She couldn't even hear you guys

Wow And the show is making sense now Oh my god So you've been speaking back there Yeah trying He's been talking the whole time. He's been tearing off some unbelievable heat. Oh, no.

I've missed all the heat. Wow. He has been spitting this whole time. I guess Kevin should make his case over the sounds of the I Love the Earth song, which Alyssa will finally get to hear. You'll finally get to hear. I, what? Okay, so. There it is.

Right. Sometimes my friends give me tickets to basketball games, and I'll bring a friend with me, and we'll go to the basketball game. How's that sound? This sounds nice. The song or Kevin's offer? All of it.

Kevin, I love what you're doing. I love the song. This would have changed the whole tone. This would have changed the whole tone. This would have changed the whole tone. So we gave Kevin basketball tickets like a week ago. Yeah. And now I realize that he was using that to make a friend? Yeah.

Well, it was Darius. He said yes immediately. But now I know that it made him so happy. This is something I could do with other people. So maybe if Alyssa wanted to go to a basketball game, or I can make new friends, if you guys could keep giving me basketball tickets. This is the bet that you stopped,

that you drove a truck through the partition to do? Well, this has been one of your best episodes up to this point where I actually fully forgot you existed. And to some of us, you were not, like the technology prevented you from being a part of the show at all. Yeah, this technology is too much for me. Headphones, this, yeah.

Obviously, yes. And when you did County bank pay yes what was that like yeah did that give you any kind of baseline where you could have possibly recognized that the headphones were you know on or not on or you know it's funny you mentioned that no no no no and ultimately a lot of podcasts i've done now i'm kind of replaying in my head thinking of things i've missed riffs i've missed think of all the celebrity names i would have known if i had these headphones that would so earlier when you when when kevin started, you said something like, oh, I don't even, I can't even begin to unpack this or something like that. You couldn't hear anything.

No. That's very game. Yeah. I'm impressed because I'm now putting myself in the shoot. Like when we were having big reactions sometimes to things that were said and you had no context, like we must've seemed to have suddenly gone insane. And you were fairly polite about it. Yes.

I mean, I, yeah. Wow. I, I think we have to start over. Okay. We'll do it again.

We'll do it again. Tune in for that next week. Bye. we'll do it again we'll do it again and tune in for that next week bye