Hollywood Handbook - Anders Holm, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 19, 2014

This week on Hollywood Handbook, Hayes and Sean start off with a segment called "I Gotta Raise" where they talk about their kids and their own upbringings: Sean on a farm and Hayes in a fire station. Then, friend ANDERS HOLM stops by to talk to the guys about the truth about Mimby, his salesman dad, living on the Eastside, and business cards. Also, Anders reveals the sweet story of how he lost his virginity. Then, the guys do "Pitch Stop",  a segment where they do a fake pitch to Anders and they end the show with the world's shortest Popcorn Gallery. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. for that and it's like neef if you can't teach me how to use powerpoint then maybe robin tunney can and that lit a fire that sort of got her i bet i got her feet moving if you can if you can imagine if you can imagine hey welcome to hollywood handbook an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz and what up what up to all of you. What up, what up. Because this is a show where we talk about Hollywood and we talk about the movies. And we talk about our experience with those things.

Yes, because that's really all we can draw from. And to that end, we talk a lot about how to become successful in this industry. And after 30 some odd episodes, it has actually worked out for a lot of people. We hear on our iTunes reviews and in a lot of other places about what the podcast has done for people and the success that they've had in the industry having listened to us, which we love because it's why we do it. And come on in the water's fine. And there's plenty for everyone if you're any good. So when you get big famous, you're a big honking deal now, and you've got a stinking pile of cash, so much just falling out of every orifice, basically.

Sure, it's great for you. How does it affect your family? Sure, it's great for you. How does it affect your family? Yeah, because it's not all roses and cream and strawberries and blueberries. Hot dog buns and hamburger sandwich. Yes. Once you ascend to the highest levels of the industry, Because a lot of people, once they reach famousness, they leave their family stuff behind.

And then suddenly they look back and their kids have become true fiends. Like that Sweeney Todd. Precisely. When Sweeney Todd became such a bad man. I mean. And because his father was so successful and he was spoiled. It drove him to being this monstrous barber. Just a terrible barber and just the worst haircuts you could imagine.

And so what we want to do is a segment called I Got a Raise. Mr. Teebles and Ricky Rosé and Lake Bell Davenport. Lake Bell Davenport. So a lot of good ones. But anyway, when you have a delicious, wonderful brood, you got a raise. I mean, you got an upgrade in your life because it's so rewarding to see these little monsters become something learn to use their hand to do a rubik's cube and that's all well and good but also you gotta raise you've got to raise that to raise. You've got to raise them. You've got to raise the kids. And how do Sean and I keep our kids from becoming fiends and just have them be normal, like not spoiling them too much

so they're just like normal everyday kids. We don't want another barber of DeVille on our hands. And so I guess – Coop DeVille. Coop DeVille. for a lot of where we're coming from it's sort of our backgrounds that gave us the ability to to do this that's how we have always stayed normal in the face of all this and and this even gets into nature versus nurture you know because like haze and sean why are you worried about your kids being fiends? You're such wonderful, rich, just beautiful humans with so many great qualities. Won't you pass those down?

But a lot of that comes from our rough and tumble backgrounds. Sure. You were a farm orphan. I was a farm orphan. And I'd be out, you know, picking corn off and, um, feed the goose every day. And the goose would, the goose would nip at my bottom and he'd bite my bottom as hard as he could. And I'd have these big pink bruises all around my whole rear end and through my overalls and everything. Um, but you still have to go out and you feed the goose,

and it's part of what makes you tough. And being tough is the only way you can get anywhere in this business. And if you're soft, then you just buckle over like a marshmallow getting a gallon of acid poured on it. And I've seen what you do with Tompkins, your little guy, and how you make him stack bales the way you had to stack bales. I make him stack bales. He's got your big hay machine

and you stack them up. I put them at the top of the barn and I say, find your way down. Because that's what would happen to me is a big storm would blow me into the top of the barn when I was asleep. And I'd wake up and I'd go, how do I get down?

And my pa would go, that's right, how do you get down, you little shit? And I'd fucking figure that shit out and a lot of times I would have to build a ladder or I'd break my collarbone

or whatever it was. And I still go out to that barn barn i can see it from the window of my basement apartment and yeah and i'm you know i made um uh mr teeple's uh freaking jerk off a horse because we wanted to get another horse pregnant and they weren't fucking i don't know if dude's gay not i don't care but i don't know if dude was gay or or just like if like dude didn't think she was hot or whatever but she was she looked good so i think it's the first one but anyway they didn't want it they wouldn't fucking he wouldn't get it in so i just made the dude uh little dude mr teeples uh he, he's one of my kids.

I made him jerk the horse off, put it in a bucket, and then we put the bucket, like just splashed it on her butt. And I think we're going to have a baby horse soon. For me, I guess the way I stay grounded is I think about being raised by firemen. When my mommy dropped me off at the station when I was a little baby and she put me... With the bravest heroes

around. Because they are heroes and I do still look up to them, but they could also be very mean and just sort of dicks just like a lot of the time well they didn't sign up for this no they didn't want a kid and I totally understand especially one who's smart as a whip making them look bad at doing all their sudokus when they turn around but to whenever uh I they felt like I was sassing off to them to make me taste the hose was at the time something that I thought was sad about my life.

But now I realize that it really did make me strong. Infinitely grateful. There's nothing better they could have done. And tasting the hose is something that we do now in my house. And tasting the hose is something that we do now in my house. It would be so easy for you and Brooke to just give these kids a credit card and a Lamborghini and a cell phone. Like a Ferrari car. Anything.

And just go, oh, go run wild, you know? Become like Sweeney Todd. Sure. But instead having them first get out the hose drag it to me it's very heavy and but that's how you get these 20 gauge you know yeah you don't you don't get these from fucking cross feet or whatever you get it from stacking that's pussy shit crossfit which which i can do it i can do the obstacles in like 10 seconds. It's not that I can't do it. It's a waste of time.

It's pussy shit. You get into the real world and you actually do something. You drag a hose out. You unscrew the fucking hydrant with your arms. You hook in the back. And then you let that fucker blast you. The water blasts out and you push it back in with your hands. And you get a couple of 20.

Listen to these. Listen to these. Did you hear that? That's the sound of hay and hayes is slapping on his own muscle right now those are my arms and it's scaring me and it's and if i'm scared you know you'd be scared because listen to that that's his arm that's my fucking arm and it's not even really that close to the mic and you hear kids doing that like with the with they hit their arms like that it sounds like they're splashing around in the tub not our kids yeah it's because it's because they're they got soft marshmallows inside their butt and you know not not the one that I poured acid on from before, but just like their body is too soft.

And if you raise your kids soft, then the whole country is going to go down. This is why China is kicking our ass. Because they make their kids taste the hoes. Make their kids taste the hose. And there's the question now of all our kids are 16 plus and we've had to go through the question of, well, is it time? When they get old enough, do you get them a Lamborghini car or like a Porsche car? Yeah, or do you buy them a boutique? My answer to that is if you want them to not be spoiled,

you send them off to be fighters in the war. Yes, and every single one of our children has gone into the military. And now they've been fighters, and it's great for us personally in meetings and things like that when people are trying to talk about their stuff. And then you say, oh, well, my kid's a fighter. And it's so great. You know, unfortunately, there are sometimes political conversations in Hollywood. And some, you know, guy will be sucking Obama's b-hole in front of me talking about how good everything is uh and how

you know he's got this right you know this this liberal reason for blank and I should have to pay taxes because I'm a fucking kajillionaire you know blank that and this and that and what I can just do is go, oh, well, I have six little soldiers that shot out of my fucking wiener, dude. And they're over there fighting right now for you to be free to say that. So pass the salt. You better believe they're going to pass it after you say something like that. The idea of keeping the salt for themselves after you talk about your little fighters. Better believe you're going to get salt all over your food after you say something like that and so when you're raising your kids keep in mind some of these lessons because hey is your boys are

studs yes toughest nails and your girls are little women. Yes. They're not girls. They're not posting hashtag selfies. No. Because I had them, instead of playing with technology like that, they use their imagination with corn husk dolls. Like we all did.

And that brings back memories for me. Of course it would and we would well you know sometimes we'd have big cookouts at the fire station and what do you do with the corn husks after you shuck the corn and that's how you become a storyteller movies I'm sorry to say are not

going to be about keyboards and computers in the future they're still going to be about people and so you take a corn husk doll you pretend it's a person, maybe you pretend it's your dad or something, and you just punch it as hard as you can. Because why did he leave you behind the back tire of a fire truck?

Exactly, yeah. Why weren't you good enough? Why did he put you in that oil drum and roll the oil drum around? And did he remember you were in there when he threw it in the water and how'd you get out anyway that's i gotta raise uh we have a guest today who well hayes tell them all about him we have a great guest today anders holm is here uh you you know him as ders on workaholics but he's also an actor who plays a character on Mimby Project,

and he's been in movies, and sometimes you'll catch him writing for TV and movies as well, and he's going to come in to talk to the host of Hollywood Handbook coming up very soon on Hollywood Handbook. Handbook coming up very soon on Hollywood Handbook. So, Mario, Lopez looks at me and goes, is that a Ferrari Testarossa? And I go, no, it's a Ferrari Testosterone ZA. And I pop the trunk and whip bought a pizza and we ate it together on the hood

of the car. Hollywood ham. That's really nice. Yeah. What a nice story. It was really nice and we've been good friends since then. Hey, welcome back to Hollywood Ham Book and Insiders. Guys are kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry

we call showbiz. We're just very excited to have our guest here today. Anders Holm is here you know i'm from uh work of holics you do you want to say what up what up no i just want to say it's it's great to be here okay that's all the you know i'm from the mimby project yeah will you settle a course they debate for. Yeah. We had this conversation with Jake Johnson and Adam Pally who are saying that her name is Mindy Kaling. The actress's name is Mindy Kaling, which it is. We agree with that. But the character's name is Mimby.

Mimby. I understand it's confusing, but it's like they're on the show. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't want to tell her how to do her job. Okay. I think it was a big mistake. It's just, it's hard to associate the names because they are different.

You know, like on Workaholics, we have the exact same names. Yes. You know, it's a no-brainer. Yeah. Yeah. Now, do you think that her doing that, is that a big no-no marketing wise or is it a fail would you call it a fail is it an epic oh that's a hashtag fail for sure um because you know the kind of numbers you can get on a network show uh think seinfeld yeah think the dana carvey show

these were huge smash hits because the name was on point with the character and the actor and it's nice for you right because you and Becker you have the advantage where people can scream your name out to you if you're at a restaurant with your wife

or really anywhere well let's just say changing your kids diaper in a restroom. Nothing gets the wife a little wet when somebody comes up to my table while we're eating and goes, what's up, Ders? Tight butthole. And I'm like, thank you. Yeah, because you know you're getting lucky.

Oh, yeah. And it makes her realize that she's going to have to work a little harder for a guy to keep a guy like you around because you could just go off with that guy. You could go off with that dude and get pretty much anything you want done for yourself. Party till the break of dawn, got it going on. So what happens with Mimby probably is people just go, Mimby, and then she... She doesn't even know to turn around.

No, she doesn't know. I've been with her in public a lot of times, Chateau Marmont, we'll be at Cape Manolini's, places where we know the food's going to be quality and the crowd's going to be even better. And I'm hearing people say, Mimby. And I'm like, hey, they're calling you. And she's got to be like, oh, what, Mimi? And I'm like, oh, God. I'm not going to hold her hand forever.

Yeah. Now, marketing is sort of your background. It's sort of the way you, the path you carved into this business you you thank you you studied it in in school no you know i didn't it just kind of came natural uh my dad was a salesman um you know so growing up it was just kind of uh rolled off his back right into my brain you know and what and what goes what did he what what did he sell well he's he didn't Well, he sold himself. So important. You are your product.

You have to. You have to in this business and every business. Yeah. So, I mean, first and foremost, as a multi-hyphenate like I am, writer, actor, producer, now director, and also just mentor. I got a few kids I'm working with. You've got to market yourself. What kind of kids?

Black ones. So important. Very nice. Well, yeah, and they're not even the most important anymore. They definitely were for a while in the 80s, as we saw, with different strokes. And TV often reflects uh that you know it's art imitates life you know you've heard that you've heard that before yeah oh yeah yeah i was always hearing it because they sound right so now uh you know i'm i'm into like retro throwback

so i'm trying to like that's the only reason i was like uh yeah give me a couple black ones right because it's cyclical and they will come back to be the most important right kids it's like uh elton john said circle of life yes enjoy your time in the sun other kids spanish spanish this spanish and they can be on the sun all day. I got to wear SBF 100 or something. And that's an advantage for them. But people don't really talk about it so much. It's like they have all these problems that everyone's always talking about. But they can be in the sun as much as they want.

Yeah, meanwhile, I'm getting a nasty burn. Am I asking to get into college because of that? As someone who exclusively drives convertibles, I feel like nobody talks about this. No. What are you driving now? I mean, this is something we do. What are you driving now? Okay, well, you know what's better?

Why don't you guess? And I'll give you a hint. I don't give a fuck about status. All right, all right. Let me think. Infinity G35 drop top two door six cylinder uh is that written on my shirt somewhere how did you do that no i parked right behind you i'm driving a shitty ass little infinity g35 drop top two door people you say that but honestly it's fun it's a it's a beater it goes it gets

you where you need to go i get from point a to point b don't i don't don't don't shit on me but i did have a six-month lease on an audi tt just for fun i mean it's i know it's a chick mobile but uh it's got pickup and i could park anywhere, it's got pickup. With you in it, I think everything's got pickup. Oh. There he goes. Yeah. There's my guy. There's –

Mm-hmm. You have a little tool that you like to use, sort of a – One and a half by. Yeah. This is – I call it my Swiss Army life, you know, because it'll save you in any situation. It's a business card, you know, and now, especially in the entertainment industry, as a multi-hyphenate, business cards are bigger and more necessary than ever before. You know, you go to a party, yeah, you can talk someone's ear off and say,

I'm a writer, I'm an actor. Guess what? Everyone says that. I whip out a business card, clearly I am that. That's proof positive. It's evidence. Right, because what am I going to do? I'm going to get cards made.

I'm going to go through all that if I'm not really a writer, actor, producer, director. I don't think so. But how do you, I know a lot of people struggle with making their business cards funny. As a comedian, what do you do to sort of spice it up so it's not just a normal guy in a suit business card who's carrying a briefcase and he's just like... See, that's, and I'm glad you brought this up because, yeah, everyone's got to make it a little bit funny, you know? Like, put a 1-800 or a 1-900 number on there. I'm like, yeah, that's cool.

You know, you're making a little dividends on the back end there. But the joke I do is that it is just a regular business card because then I walk away and they're like, well, where's the joke? Where's the joke? Fuck. It's post-comic. It's post-'m the joke post comedy oh my god you know and guess what they call every time and the first thing they go is what's up man no joke and i'm like oh and now you've started a conversation right and i you know i was so sick of these clever verbal jokes,

where it was like some sort of twist on a phrase you know. So I got a hologram one where you turn it, and the monkey's got his finger in his butt, and then he's got it up under his nose, and then he's fallen out of the tree. butt. Sure. And then he's got it up under his nose and then he's fallen out of the tree. And the story it tells and the journey it takes you on lets you know that I am a storyteller and that I am weaving the old tales. Yes. There's a beginning, middle and end, you know. And if you happen to laugh your whole frigging butt off along the way uh don't sue me

that's a bonus that is yes yeah yeah i mean and that's that's a strong move man would you we'll talk later about where you got that made because that's interesting to me yeah i i know there's a girl on etsy who does these she's incredible local artist sure yeah i mean i live on the east side so i i know about artists wow hey talk speak on that please well what's cool about the east side is like you don't necessarily have to be such an artist but when you immerse yourself in um people that think outside of the circle. Next thing you know, all of a sudden, you're thinking outside the circle. You're coming at life with a new perspective. You're not saying, oh, man, I feel weird in here because I don't fit in.

You feel better everywhere because you don't fit in. Do you believe in energy? And do you believe that you're kind of influenced by the energy that you surround yourself with? I believe in an energy. You know what I mean? Thank you. Yes. Thank you. There's definitely an energy

as far as there being one energy for everybody. I don't think that's, I just don't think that's real. Williamsburg versus Silver Lake, go. You know what i'm a silver lake dog you know i'm a reservoir dog what can i say wow you can find me you can find me at that park quite often and i don't even have a dog it's just fun to to see the the little mutts scrap it up and i know a little uh about dogs myself so it's fun to go is that a uh australian cattle dog and they're like yeah okay you go i just want because

you use a lot of jargon i just want to clarify for our listeners you go to the reservoir to watch dogs poop yeah okay i just want to make sure that that oh i thought i was pretty clear okay okay um business cards they're a business tool yeah put the bus in the nest we use them so that we're remembered but isn't it true that some of this business is happening digitally now? No. And here's the thing. It's not about being remembered, okay? And I'm laughing because it's like, I feel like we've gone over this over a few martinis here and there. Okay, but the audience hasn't heard that.

Okay. So it's not about being remembered. It's about being not forgotten, okay? It is really still the same. You should have seen me in 2003 at 24 Hour Fitness. I would wear a workout shirt and shorts with no pockets, but guess what? In the netting of those shorts, I'd have about 50, 60 business cards and I would just leave them at the treadmill, on the bench, from the bench press that I was doing at that time before I ripped my pec putting up 350. That was grounding and pounding. Even in the pool, I'd put one in a little sandwich bag and it'd be floating there and everyone would be like,

well, there's a... Oh, who's this guy? Writer, director? Intriguing. Yeah. This is one of those Hollywood stories that i love and you hear things like thank you but i know that when you first came out here and we're doing that internship you actually bought a star map and drew a house for yourself on the star map and then signed it to yourself and you said i'm not giving up until this map becomes real. It's a little like people write a check for like a billion bucks to themselves. And then they go, well, when I can cash it, like I'm going to be freaking stoked.

But you'll have a billion dollars. Yeah. Yeah. But then for you, it was more about having a big famous house on a star map. And you know what? I framed that map. And guess who I gave it to? My dad.

Oh, wow. And then he sold it? Yep. Yep. But I bought it back. He put it on eBay. And I tracked down the person. And I got it back.

So all in all, the lesson is keep bobbing and weaving. You know, my dad, if he had hung on to it, I'd have been like, oh, that's okay. I guess you just hang on to things. You don't. You keep moving. No, he sells. Your dad, just having my conversations with him,

he could sell ice to Iceman. He could just sell fire to Pyro. The human torch. Yes, sure. That's another good example. Someone who could make the thing that he's selling as their superpower. He could sell them that. He made $400.

He could sell ointment to Wolverine with his superhuman healing ability. He was never going to need ointment. He would never need something like ointment. Do you think he gets chapped lips even? Wolverine? Logan? No. Well, this is the kind of thing we love to nerd out about yes because these type of comic hypotheticals and i'm a nerd like yes i know no i know i'm a six three mesomorph with the with the convertible like my man over here but dude i'm a nerd i'm

such a nerd don't judge a book by its cover you, because he's almost as nerdy as we are. We don't look like nerds either. We're sexy. You can be handsome and be a nerd if you like to read comic books. And maybe we didn't always look this good. That's the thing. I was so awkward. Oh, my God.

I was so gangly and awkward. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 16. And my buddies were like, they called me, you know, the Virgin Mary. And I'm like, cut it out! This is the good stuff.

You know, I was so pressured, I had to just tackle this one heifer down. And, you know, she didn't love it, but had to get off my chest, you know?

And now I'm a fucking... So you just... What a sweet childhood story. And we don't get into this stuff enough on the show. We're all people. Totally. We're still people. Yeah.

And we get bullied and you learn to stand up for yourselves and force lose your virginity. And we were Facebook friends for years until she killed herself. And like, it's just, you know, it's life goes on. You know, and here i am in hollywood and maybe i'll make a movie about her or something someday i don't know what a nice way to honor your friend yeah um uh becky sure why not yeah and and and in a way if she is in a movie, then she never really did kill herself because movies is forever. This is kind of why I got into them. Because I die.

I do 10 rails of coke. I jump off a balcony. I'm gone. Guess what lives on forever? The Mimby Project. Every time you turn on the tube, there's a little piece of you in there saying, Hello, I'm still here. Deal with me. Should we get into our pitch?

Yeah, should we play a game of pitch top? Oh, yeah. I guess that's why I'm here. You guys want a little professional opinion. Fire at me. Listeners at home, honors is the best in the beers at what's probably the most important part, and that is pitching, selling, marketing. It's in his DNA.

Can't argue. We wanted to do a fun game where Hayes and I, who are very good in our own right, kind of pretend to be stupid dopes like you guys and do what you would do if you were kind of doing a pitch. Pretend? Okay, you stop right now. Oh, stop. Stop it. Hey, hold on.

Not everyone knows we're joking. Dude, your ring. Your thumb ring got me. Ah, fuck. Sorry, dude. I think one of the gems came out. One second. I'm just going to try to find the gem from my thumb.

Which one was it? Was it the, was it the, is this Italian? No, it was Parado. I got it. Your birthstone.

Yes. Well, it's, it symbolizes plentitude. That's a different gem. What is that? Oh no, this is from,

what is that? Hey, WTF? Who is this from? Is that from, is that Marlee Shelton's, the earring she lost? Okay, right, yeah. She lost, yeah, right. You punched it off her head.

He was doing a, he was trying to make her flinch and just graze the earring. And she didn't, like, she didn't, like, pull back. Right. Like, you know, when I when i do this like you back off because my fizz is about to be there i'm gonna bring flinching back just like in public like in line like uh sorry dude i'm blowing up let me take this just get a text got a text d definitely uh anyway um i'm trying to bring uh bring flinching back like if you're standing line at starbucks or not that i go to star, I usually go to like Intelligentsia.

The coffee's just way better. Have you been there? Oh, yeah. They roast it there. Oh, it's roasted. No, I know. Yes. We're telling everyone.

We all know. No, it's for the people who don't know. Go get them Tiger. Have you been to that coffee place? What a fun name. Yeah, that's good. Because it's like, that's what I need my coffee for, to go get them tiger have you been to that coffee place what a fun name yeah that's good because it's like that's what i need my coffee for to go get them tiger tiger in your belly so i'm gonna start making people flinch in public you know and then just be like i'm kidding you know the podcast two for flinching

two for flinching then i'll buy them coffee because I can. Yeah, money. So let's pitch. Pitch, bitch. Pitch stop. So he's going to stop us. Whenever we pretend to make a mistake. Whenever we've made a mistake that we wouldn't actually make because we know what it is too. When we make a mistake on purpose,

he's going to catch us making it intentionally. Here we go. Mm-hmm. So we've all been to the grocery store you go to buy vegetables carrots and zucchinis are potatoes you go to buy milk frozen food you could eat that heat it up if you eat it maybe you have a sample while you're there. You buy your food, you leave. Bags, but bring your own. But what if when the lights go out, all the food was a real guy?

And some of it is friends, but some of it is friends but some of it is fighting okay i mean honestly guys that was pretty good just say pitch stop when you want to uh pitch stop um but i only am stopping it because i think that's pretty good okay okay we agree do we want to do that one yeah i say let's i mean can we delete the that part from them? We can take that. I know guys at Paramount that we can take that, too. Yes, Brett knows that whenever we make an exclusive deal that... So let's...

Hey, Brett, let's strike that one from the... And also from your memory, Brett. That's called Food Fight. That's a new Pixar film. It's sort of a war among the food, and there'll be some sort of racial stuff. Anyway, fucking psych psych that was garbage and here's why okay didn't want to get your hopes up but let's just say that was the flinch i'm talking about a mental flinch oh god you guys are pitching a story i just inhaled a full pretzel rod. That's what I do, Sean. So you guys were pitching a story.

With why? Oh, so people can have fun watching the movie. And for kids. My kids love this kind of stuff. Shut the fuck up. Here's the deal. When you go into a pitch with a big wig, which I consider the only people you should be talking to, the people that can green

light your project you don't pitch the story who the fuck cares you pitch the marketing campaign okay because then guess what you're saving them the legwork and they don't care about your story you know what they care about the bottom line okay so start over and pitch me the marketing campaign because guess what uh steven spielberg jurassic park one of the masters you know how that got started right sure it was a it was a book about a dinosaur island see that's what they tell people like you, fuck. I'm like, okay. So, wow.

Here we go. 101. What had happened was Spielberg goes into Universal. He says, guys, McDonald's toys are blowing my mind. My kid's got to have them. Let's do dinosaurs. And they're like, well, we're not McDonald's. He said, shut the fuck up and listen.

Make a movie about dinosaurs so my kid and everyone else's kid can buy McDonald's Happy Meals. Get the toy. Be happy. Mommy happy. Daddy happy. Hamburger sandwich. It's a family affair. Okay?

Guess what they did? They dug in the crates. They found a fucking dumb book called jurassic park what is it didn't matter it became a marketing campaign that changed movies forever and if and what people remember about that movie now is owning a toy and no one's heard of that stupid book and the the Toronto Raptors. Toronto Raptors. McDonald's toys. Ford Explorers.

Wrapped in cool zebra-style camouflage. Jeep Wranglers. Like an army green-red combination. Still have the toy. And guess what? They're making another movie. You think they're going to market it a little bit? Yeah. Just a little bit. Yes movie you think they're gonna market it a little bit yeah just a little bit yes what were you what were you gonna call us before when you said that's what they tell

you fuck fucking beasts is that what you were gonna say yeah okay hmm okay because i think that you guys are beasts okay your story beasts we know that that's well documented you guys are beasts. Okay? You're story beasts. We know that. That's well documented. You guys got the goods. You can tell a tale, beginning, middle, and end on his business card, circling back. Anyway,

I think you guys can be marketing beasts. Okay. That's just me. That's just me. Well, let's try again. Let's try a fresh one. I'm only a writer, actor, producer, director in an industry that it's almost impossible

to do all four of those things, but that's just me. Fresh one, clean slate. We're just coming at you totally with a new thing. It's a different meeting. You're maybe even a different guy. Drop a load, man. I'm the same guy.

We didn't wait operation dumbo didn't drop on us we dropped on operation dumbo drop and that's why ray leota's coming back baby and pitch pause pitch pause't stop. I like it. You're talking about a lot of things that are marketable. This is a property that existed. It's got fans attached. I know. Ray Liotta is poised for something large. You're missing one thing. The brand.

Just give me the brand. Soft pitch it. Pitch resume. Well, the brand. Russell pitch it. Pitch resume. Well, the brand. Russell Brand? Oh, my God. He's going to be in it, too. Okay.

And he's Ray's friend. And the two of them, they find this elephant, but he is also a toy that you can eat. Eat Denny's? Eat McDonald's? Yes, I'm saying you go to Denny's and you eat this toy. Okay, now I'm listening. You eat Denny's. So the elephant's name could be Grand Slam.

It could be Southern Slam. It could be Indian Slam because elephants are from India. We've got the elephant meal. Do you see, like, it's just pouring out of me all of a sudden. Okay? Mm-hmm. And the main thing is to get the person you're pitching to excited enough that they do most of the movie. Now you get it.

Yes. Now you get it. That's helpful. Because so many people think, number one, they're there to pitch an idea they have. Oh, man. Number two...

A lot of people do think that. ...that if the pitch is successful, that then they go make the movie. Mm-hmm. No. Good luck. Yeah. You're not going to make it alive in Burbank

with that kind of thought process. Sorry. Would it be fun for you to now pitch us and just do a perfect one? Yeah, I know I could do that. Okay. I'm just going to spitball one. Subway and NASCAR. You're the first ever car race that goes through the subways of New York City. And it says Subway on your car, like Subway sandwiches. Yeah, it's a play on words like many sitcom titles. But you have Subway sandwiches, you have the food You got the Olympics If we can fast track this puppy

To before Rio All of a sudden we're airing commercials We can integrate Nastia Lukin can be in a commercial She can be in the fucking movie You see what I'm doing? What I'm doing is I'm pulling from different demos Different brackets of entertainment

And even sports Because that's entertainment And immediately you're making Hot Wheels cars different brackets of entertainment and even sports because that's entertainment you know and immediately you're making hot wheels cars you can sell like a jerk off calendar with pictures of the fucking babes nasi alaouken and you know she's in all kinds of calendar that's a billion bucks right there for one day in new york city you replace all the trains with cars that are on the tracks people go down to the subway to go to work. A car shows up.

You can drive it yourself. I think, yeah, sure. We'll have the stars of the movie. We can get Ray Liotta, because I'm feeling that. We can get him back in the mix. Yeah. We can get the Hemsworth brothers to be the stars. They're in the cars.

You want to go to the office? You can't. What do you remember? The subway car. What movie do you see? Subwaysium. It's like Elysium, which I think didn't get a proper...

Big hit. It didn't get a proper launch. Nobody reached out to me, and I regret that. But this is what I'd do. A NASCAR. What would you have done with Elysium? How would you have done with Elysium?

Besides starring it, direct it, and write it? Anyway, produce it. I guess I'm a huge Damon guy. I think he continues to bring a lot to the table and contribute to the arts in ways that people don't appreciate. And look at Ben. Ben's back. You know, I talk to him on a not so regular basis.

But, you know, it's fun to see him finally figure it out. You must feel like it's seeing your little brother finally you know get his bike going yeah it's it's like like one of my little black kids made a made a big movie and i'm like look at you go look at you go um but elysium uh the title's perfect you know it kind of says it all uh you get it right out of the gate i want to see that yeah or and if let's say you're one of the you're one of the few people that don't know what it means let's do all black billboards that just say elysium in like a lighter black oh so you can kind of see it and maybe almost invisible right and you don't know what it means so you're like well

yeah i guess i'll spend 13 to go see that because i want to know what is the answer to the question that plagues me every day it's almost tim burton-esque and it's the use of black shades and spooky atmosphere yeah i mean that is that the is that the tish school uh yes coming out of you yes i went thank you. Is that what that is? Yes, I went to. He loves when people recognize that about him. I went to art school for movies and plays. Yeah. And I'm self-taught. In the big city of New York. And sometimes it's helpful and sometimes it's not.

Oh, New York. Oh, it's so. How great is New York? What's the first place you stop when you touch down in new york uh the airport no but seriously not much of a choice there i mean it is i was only half joking it is What the fuck? And I don't fuck with LaGuardia, man. I'm JFK. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Ah, fuck. Brett, give me a fucking towel, man. I got to clean this shit up. This motherfucker. The fucking airport. Holy shit. It's good to be here, man. It's good to be back man it's good to be back oh i love it i love it yeah

we only have one question from the popcorn gallery oh well i guess we could ask do we reach in there then yeah i guess we should reach in there uh what is it though the segment okay oh right i forgot um there's we do a segment on this show called the Popcorn Gallery. What does that mean? You're saying, you know, you're mad and I don't blame you. One thing that people can do to learn is there's something called the Socrates Method. And it's from asking questions that you get answers for learning. So the way we can explain this is maybe asking ourselves questions and then answering what the segment is.

So doing the Socrates method, what's something that people go to see at a theater? I'm sorry. I was checking a text. What was it? What's something you- This is worth it. Just if you can just pay attention for this one second. What's an Elys theater? I'm sorry. I was checking a text. What was it? What's something you- This is worth it. If you can just pay attention for this one second. What's an Elysium?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what's an Elysium, and where did you see that? Where could you go? I mean, I only go to the Directors Guild Theater to see movies. And movies! Movies. That's the word. Okay.

Because Newsflash, we don't shoot on film anymore, people. Okay? No. Unless you're trying to put a dent in the studio's budget. I mean, come on. We make diggies now. Yes. Yes.

Dolby digs. I'm digging it. Yes. So you go to see a movie and you don't want to have nothing in your hands the whole time sure you want to hold something maybe eat it what would you get swedish fish did not anticipate that well sc. Scandinavian. What if you didn't want sweets? What if you were sick of sugar?

Sure, something salty. Yes, yes. Probably bring in a bag of Doritos. You're not allowed to do that, actually. But you got caught. That's against the rules. And also, that's where a lot of the movies theaters make their money is actually in the snacks.

Bro, I don't get caught. But I'll go along with this fucking fantasy of yours. the movies theaters make their money is actually in the snacks bro i don't get caught but for the sake i'll go along with this fucking fantasy premise and just as your conscience got the better of you you turned it in i get some buttered popcorn yes yes okay so so we do podcasts about movies and people that ask questions that's not the peanut gallery because the peanut gallery is not you know movies

but it is the popcorn gallery is the peanut gallery it's for like baseball yes that's for a different podcast that's for a different podcast that's for a different podcast that's the Sklaboro brothers yes that's George Washington Carver.

Mm-hmm. So. Stoplight. Let's reach in the bag and get the question, huh? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Business card.

It's got a 1-900 number that's a sound drop that my friend mark made for us that's so perfect for this situation that is that is a almost a callback to something that we were doing earlier how is that in a way mark yeah not too good no was he ever uh he was better than he is now for sure he's no he wasn't great but he's not he's really doing i still have that dude's hermes belt he actually could really use that right yeah. Although I've been trying to keep belts away from him. If you could find a way. I read you. To make that belt so it's not weight bearing,

but also so that he could resell it. Fray the edges or something, yeah. Sure, sure. But try not to decrease the value too much. He could use some cash on hand. I'm not going to scrap Aramid's belt, man. Please don't. That gets me into clubs. Do it enough to...

Okay, yeah. Well, if you're not giving it back, then it's not even worth talking about. But he could use something. This is a question from Greggy. Mr. Holm, do you put your pants on one leg at a time in the morning? And this is an actually really useful question for i think uh the is that a serious question he doesn't say it's tough to say with

greggy well first of all i don't get up till afternoon so i guess the answer is no i'm a little bit of a night hawk are you more creative at night uh without a doubt without a doubt that's when my juices are flowing when everyone when all that when the kids are down and it's it's like that's me time and i just go out to the shed yeah and i i face that blank page head on yeah i call it chopping wood because paper you know was trees so my chopping wood man chop wood carry water another page i'm chopping wood chop wood carry water it's that on that paul bunion tip yeah fuck yeah and babe you guys watching fargo oh are we ever oh we're really watching it god really well done so well done really just threads the needle of hitting this great tone that is dark but funny yeah i'll tell billy bob you from

from you please do and tell him that um i have one note, which is if only they could kind of repeat the information in the show. I know. I've given him the exact same note. That's crazy. I don't want to gang up on him, but I will tell him hi from you. Yeah, they tell us twice, sometimes three times. But why don't you tell me four or five times what's going on with these people? Yeah.

Yeah, well. Anyway, but other than that. why don't you tell me four or five times what's going on with these people? Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, but if it ain't a bad show. Yeah. Don't, don't note it. Here's what I know. Here's what I know.

Exposition sets you free. Yes. You know, cause then, uh, well, oh my God, I went and saw,

uh, this film, Phil, and I say film because fuck this movie i don't i don't like swearing all the time on your on your on your your show but no we deserve it under the skin what uh yeah i wish i had popcorn for that piece of shit i mean i'm like what's happening you see your your cans. That's great.

But then you see a bunch of dudes, rock hard dicks. And I'm like, what? Come on, man. Not fair. I wanted to see skin, hence the title of the movie. They mismarketed. Under the skin, I'm like, okay. What's under the skin?

Great, I'll see skin, yeah. But like, fuck. An exposition would have she just drives around picking up these cool dudes who are just trying to fuck kills them woof exposition would set you free there i mean like let me know what's the whole in that case what if the whole let's say the movie's 90 minutes what if the first 85 minutes was just people saying that lady's an alien who's gonna kill somebody if they have sex hello and then maybe we see that but if it happens then while they're doing it she should go i'm an alien i'm gonna kill you right after this and he should be going like you look like a hot babe to me and that's why i want

to have sex with you but i'm pretty sure i'm gonna get killed by you the alien and now i can enjoy it and explaining how to get hard like when these guys are like getting rock hard even like how that works yeah i mean i would be interested to know that that could be very helpful to some of what's been going on for me because what your dick just gets hard i don't think so there's no there's science and all kinds of biology must be some trick the human brain is is the original computer and i will say this till i die the the way that it sends messages in the blink of an eye literally yeah literally yeah to everywhere around your body it's synapses firing blood pump your heart it i don't know how does your dick get engorged increase in size and uh you know create life i don't know this could have been a perfect

opportunity to see a little skin and learn something new that movie for sure i'd pay whatever it costs now like it's uh go to Gold Cinema in Pasadena. Where you can eat a nice meal. Yeah, and a big comfy velvet couch. And you can smell everyone else's food too. The wife and I, we like to

we get two separate couches. Because I'm like, get off of me. I'm trying to watch this film. And you'd sit next to her at home. You guys didn't even catch my joke. Oh, baby. Because I'm like, get off of me. I'm trying to watch this film. And you'd sit next to her at home. You guys didn't even catch my joke. I said film. Okay. I mean, keep up.

Because fuck that movie. Yeah, because fuck that movie. I'm sorry we missed your joke, Anders. Thank you so much for coming over and hanging. Now, is there anything you have coming up you want to plug for us? Well, Workahol 6 is back and bigger than ever in the new year. So look out for that come January. Pretty unattached to things till then yeah right but i'm doing a bunch of uh

tries you know malibu try coming up this summer just got back in gear for that gotta get a new wetsuit what what's your leg in that what's your strongest leg i know just you know for them i don't want to sound like a pervert, but I got all three legs. And I'm not talking about my dick. Okay, but if you are built like some of the gentlemen in this room right now, it is like having three legs. Uh-oh. And that goes back to the challenge of how to get something like that.

You do kind of have like a young Ed Begley Jr. thing. To make it big. How do you make it, yes, how does it get bigger? It's already. Yeah. I could forward you a link with a URL. Would you? Because it seems like all the sort of material's been used up in some ways.

And so. You need blood to use in your body as well. Yes. So where's it coming from? Are you going to pass out or should you just sort of wrangle it or tape a yardstick to it or something? To both sides. Yes, because currently whatever's going on is not working. Yeah. So please rate us on iTunes.

Comment on the forums. Like us on iTunes. Comment on the forums. Like us on Facebook. Email Hayes. Jeffrey Parties bought the pro version this week. Can I just say it's so refreshing to hear this kind of chatter on podcast. I just, I get inundated. I'm like, you got to listen to this podcast.

And I do because I'm a nice guy. But people are obsessed with comedy now and just getting a podcast to do their big joke or whatever. Not really talking about real stories and real people and what it's like to actually do the job. So much of podcast culture is raw comedic content and just really well thought out, structured ideas. And just really well thought out, structured ideas. And you're never just hearing people really talk about their lives. Just sit down and have a real conversation for a while. Lives, business, which is one and the same. But back to you saying people are always talking about jokes. You know what's funny?

Most homeless people, X-class clowns, now they're on the street. That's great. Tell jokes. You know what I am? I'm a business man, Jay-Z. I mean, it's just... Yes. To me, only two things are interesting.

People, real people. Like at the core. Yes. And money. Yeah. And I don't really care about people. Speaking of money, Jeffrey Parties bought the Pro version. He bought the Pro version, which he spent a lot on.

And as a favor, Jeffrey Parties, Anders is going to describe a business card to you that you could maybe use to get ahead. Yeah. Okay. Jeffrey Parties. Is it last name Parties? Because right then and there i'm like this guy's a good time so my idea for a business card isn't a fucking business card it's a fucking party popper with your name and phone number email etc wrapped around it so when you say hey man i'm jeffrey

parties you pass them a party popper they pull the string on the confetti little tiny headshots you're welcome. Fuck off. Give me a little bit of your money when you get rich and famous. Bye. Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production.

Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.