Hollywood Handbook - Andy Daly, Our Cookbook Friend

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

ANDY DALY joins The Boys to help finish the Earwolf cookbook.This episode is sponsored by Squarespace ( www.squarespace.com/THEBOYS  code: THEBOYS), NHTSA, Quip ( www.getquip.com/THEBOYS ), and Philo ( www.philo.tv/theboys ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so it's me and i'm in the factory and it's late at night and i'm with salvator uh ferragamo and Eric Wareheim and we are I know and we're trying to come up with a new shape of sunglasses wow and we're going crazy and it's like could it be a

square and then Eric's looking at his phone he's like they already did a square you know and then it's like wow what if we went like round? But that actually is one of the main ones they do. And it's starting to get tense and I'm getting pissed and I'm getting very animated and I'm flipping over different tables with different, uh, the like leg things that go over the ears and lenses. And I'm smashing it. And Eric's trying to calm me down.

And I'm going, don't calm me down. And I go, there's no new shapes. They've done everything under the sun. Salvatore goes, that's it. We freaking make it shape like a freaking son. Because that's what his glass is for.

Sure. Are you nervous that... What's the... What? How are you not fucking flipping out right now, dude? I'm just a little concerned. Think about what I just said. The sunglasses, right?

Yeah. Are shaped like the sun. You're a little concerned what? They're going to sell too many? That, I have two ideas. It could be shaped like... Two ideas. It could be shaped like the

moon more than you usually are shaped like the moon what yeah like uh like a waning crevice crevice waning crevice holy shit you fucked up hombre a waning crevice. The sun idea was fine, actually. Yeah, right. The sun was good. My other idea was... Way too crass. It was in the shape of a video game controller. That was the second one.

That's rectangle? No, it's kind of like the bottom part of the controller is where the eyes go. And then the design of the video game controller is where the forehead is. That's a decent idea. But you led with the crevice, and you're paying the price. No mic for you. Now, and by the way,

when I tell you a story that I cracked something with a fucking amazing slam dunk idea, don't go, I have two ideas. I have two ideas. One is to crevice. That's what you sound like. I don't sound like. You do.

My voice is getting deeper. You do. My voice is getting deeper. Shut up. We're in trouble timing-wise. Now, Hayes isn't here. He's dealing with a lot of stuff. He is sort of our boots on the ground trying to get the tasting just right for—

Let me back up. Andy Daly's here. Hi, Andy. Oh, hi. Hi. Wow. Yeah, thank you. What a treat. Thank you. Yes, yeah, real treat. Hi, Andy. Oh, hi. Hi. Yeah, thank you. What a treat.

Thank you. Yes, yeah, real treat. To get introduced. Yeah, of course. You must love that. That's a happy opportunity to speak into a microphone. Yes, of course. You must love that. Always happy to speak into a microphone. And that actually is the only bait that works on you, apparently. Because you didn't answer any emails, you didn't answer any phone calls,

but when suddenly it was come to a podcast, it's frigging mouse to a cheese. I didn't know that I had come here to be lambasted about my communications. Yeah, that's true. I have a difficult time oftentimes getting back to people, but I will. If you tell me there's a microphone and you are rolling digital tape, I am there. Yes, and so that is what we had to do. Because, of course, you're on deadline. And Hayes and I have to deliver the Earwolf cookbook tomorrow

with every Earwolf host's signature recipe. And we got a lot of them. We got Mulligatawny Newsome. Wow. I can't believe people did this. People did it? Yes.

Wow. Almost everyone. We got Butterscotch Squash Anchorman Soup. Hazeman Hat and Clamp Chowder. Davenport.

Well, I understand. I'm not surprised he did it. I'm surprised that anybody else. Michael Ian Black Bean Soup. Well, I understand. I'm not surprised he did it. I'm surprised that anybody else. Michael Ian Black Bean Soup? Well, that one just writes itself and eats itself. Hot and Howard Kramer Sour Soup Summer Soup? Hot and Howard Kramer. Okay.

And others. Yeah. I don't need to list them all. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously don't need to list them all. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously, there's more. But your Jokey Jambalaya. Jokey Jambalaya?

Andy Jokey Jambalaya. Yeah. Probably the funniest recipe we had lined up. Really what sold the book. Are you serious? Yes. What did you say? What did you say about this recipe?

Because now I i to be honest with you yes i did receive an email with something in the subject line about a cookbook recipe and all that but you gotta understand i have like i have i believe like 43 emails in my inbox and email accounts am i wrong yes i have 43 email accounts all of which are very close to my name, just various different spellings and whatnot, and different kinds of places where emails happen. Do you want to talk a little bit about your philosophy where every time you subscribe to a new online newspaper, you create a new email account? That's what I do. And it's not just newspapers, but like, you know, if I'm going to sign up for J.Crew and whatnot, I want that to be a different account.

Talk about J.Crew for me. Sure. I'm more than happy to talk about J.Crew. Signing up for J.Crew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm in the elite circle. I'm just in the J.Crew elite circle. I find out a different cut of pant before anybody else even is thinking that they're

working on pants. You communicate directly with J. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this goes long back, way before he even was a clothes guy or before I was even necessarily wearing clothes. Yeah. We used to summer together, Jay Crew and I, Nantucket. Of course, no surprise there. Yeah.

We were on the wedding circuit down there. I love their neck shirt. Yes. But anyway, yeah. Yeah. Anytime I sign up for anything new, that's going to be an email. Or if they're asking for an email, I don't like to double up. I'm not one of these guys that's just like a one-trick pony on my emails.

I like to give them something different. Yeah, no, that, I respect it. But then it can be frustrating, obviously, from my perspective, where I don't know which one you're checking or how to get in touch with you when. Yeah. We made a big deal for the book. Oh, I didn't know that. With Rando House Publishing.

Oh, yeah. And they loved our Rando humor that we pitched with. They did. Is that a division of Random House, or is it? I don't know. Okay, all right. Sorry, I'm asking stupid questions. I'm not familiar necessarily.

But Random House has been dream partnership. So great to work with. Really? But what we do have a lot of times on the calls is, and where exactly is the Andy Jokey Jambalaya recipe that we all agreed was going to be sort of the centerpiece of this cookbook that people are clamoring for. I mean, the idea that you could sit down and listen to your podcast with a big pot of soup that is designed by the host. Oh, yeah.

And you're listening while you're eating and you're sort of sharing a meal, right, with your friends who host the podcast. Well, now that you're saying it, this sounds great. And I do wish I had read the email. Yeah, it makes two of us. Yeah. It makes three or four of us, really. Maybe. But I don't mind leaving the house and coming down to a place and having somebody convey to me verbally what they had written to me in an email, which I did not read.

Yeah. It kind of works for me. Yeah. Yeah. And of of works for me. Yeah. Yeah. And of course, I'm not. You're not what? Allowed to go to your house? Not allowed to go to my house?

Apparently. Definitely not. Yeah. No. Absolutely not. Sure. I'm not allowed to go to your house. Hey.

I mean. And I'm not pissed. You know. That's just fair. That's, hey, that's your house. That's your property, right? Yeah, exactly. You could say that I'm allowed, that I'm not allowed.

You could change your mind. Maybe I am allowed. You could physically not get into my house. Right. No, but seriously, even if I invited you, even if I said, this guy's cool, whatever, it's fine. You would physically not be able to get in there because there's an ocular scan. Right. And it cannot learn more people.

Yes. It's full. Yes, we've talked about this. Of eyes. And you're hoping to update, obviously, the software. We've talked about it. I don't know that we're going to get to it this year or I don't know when. But it's got, I mean, this thing is so full of eyes.

It couldn't, it cannot learn anymore. It's just loaded with eyes. So, so we really do have to get into the book recipe. So just to start with, and Hayes, are you there? Yeah, I just, that's so crazy. I just called it. Are you guys, are you doing the recipe thing? We're trying to, yeah andy's not making it

easy on me well andy's wait wait andy's there andy daly is here i heard you guys were doing a podcast and there was gonna be microphones and i just said oh i got time for that mouse to achieve yeah yeah that's what he said mouse Mouse to a cheese. That's funny. Yeah, that old expression. You just called it. Yeah. Mouse to a cheese. Just called it and same, yeah. But that's funny.

I'm definitely not going to complain at this point. I, you know, this is a huge opportunity for us. Mm-hmm. Yes. To have my jokey jambalaya in your book. Yeah. I mean, that is kind of the keystone recipe it's the centerfold it's the center for everybody wants to be the centerfold in the cookbook oh yeah so uh and i'm

just so happy that we're getting this uh off the ground so i'm at the store i'm at the um the new store um andy so i don't know if you know about this, but UCB is in kind of a weird financial position right now. I did hear about that. And I was told that it was my fault. Wow. Okay. Well, that's interesting. I mean, we try to be pretty transparent about financial stuff on the show.

If you buried them in there, obviously this podcast is a UTA package. We do like to be upfront about that. Sweet. I don't have to pay commissions on it then. This podcast is packaged by UTA. Sweet. I didn't even know that. Yes.

We want to be honest about that. And we're not taking sides. In particular, we're just saying, hey, this one's packaged and I think it's working out pretty good. not taking sides. In particular, we're just saying, hey, this one's packaged and I think it's working out pretty good. So, sure. You take no position on the whole ATA versus WGA thing.

I can't imagine taking a stand. If all the other writers want great projects like this to just go away, we don't take a position on that. If you think you can make a good podcast without packaging, without the services that UTA provided in putting this together, this whole thing that we're enjoying. Please be my guest. Good luck.

Good luck. Yeah. Good luck to you. Yeah. Andy, did they give you any details about how it was that you caused the financial collapse? This organization? Yeah, but I thought – I mean, I didn't want to argue. I don't know if you've ever tried to argue with Matt Besser.

You know, it's circular and you don't get far. But what was presented to me – Matt Minestrone Besser. Yeah. Oh, is he in the book? He's in the book, baby. I've had his Minestrone. Yeah.

But he – it was made very clear to me at the outset of the UCB that you come and you do a show and you're welcome to have as many Diet Cokes as you want. They're there and they're in the mini fridge. Nice. Or in the cooler or whatever. Sure. And that was something from the get-go that was communicated to me. And now to hear, you know, 10 years after that was told to me, or more even, it was 2005 when the theater first opened in LA. Oh, Andy, we're having to close down a space and we're having to contract our staff.

And we're having to do all because of you and the extraordinary volume of Diet Cokes that you're drinking every goddamn time you come here and do a show. Was to me like, number one, I don't, that's bullshit. It seemed like you would drink enough to sink a- I'm not quibbling about the amount of Diet Coke. It was a lot of Diet Coke. You are, yeah. But you're a thirsty boy. Yeah, I'm thirsty and it's so refreshing.

It's so refreshing. When they're cold or even when they're not. Even when they're not cold. You know what's, even when they're not cold, they taste cold. That's amazing. Yes. The bubbles. Right?

Yes. That's amazing. That's amazing. So this is starting to make a lot of sense. Yeah. So I'm over at the UCB Sunset, what used to be the UCB Sunset location. Uh-huh. location and they but apparently they are like underwater on like pallets and pallets of diet coke that they got for you and you said you weren't thirsty anymore yeah so they so they

have become a grocery store uh so hayes is at the illegal grocery store operating out of the ucb sunset space but it's technically like it still has to technically be, I guess, for tax reasons and improv space or like a comedy theater. Well, because it's still a package. It's still a package. Yeah, exactly. Yes, this grocery store was packaged by UTA. And UTA doesn't have – yeah, UTA has a grocery store guy, but it's just one office. So, yeah, it's just one office.

It's not great. They're saying that whatever we're going to make with the food has to be funny. That's right. That's part of the book as well. The P.F. Long Island iced tea is so funny.

This is hard. P.F. Long Island iced tea is so funny. Yeah, P.F. Long Island iced tea they're loving. Yes, that is so funny. And he does the voices for all the liquors. That sounds good. Every other recipe in the book is soup, but he clarified for us that a Long Island iced tea is technically alcohol soup. And then he said, that's my kind of soup. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, that's funny. Yeah. Well, we thought so too. And he did a whole thing. He basically did the old, I don't know if you remember the old Jim Brewer bit. It was like an update desk bit where he would do all the different alcohols in your stomach together, having a party. And he'd do, you know, the voice, he'd'd go like it's uh you know jaeger meisters and

they're like oh gosh and they go you're crazy man and then tequila sneaks his buddies in the back and they did a voice we wouldn't be allowed to do anymore but but vfd was able to do it but he did that as goat boy too right that was a subset of the goat boy it was all it's all one it's goat boy he fights himself yeah yeah goat boy fighting himself with all those liquors in there. Man, that was a golden age of that show. Dude, that's my SNL. Yeah. Yeah.

Really, then it didn't find its feet again until... Call of Jokes. So... What? What'd you say? Call of Jokes. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah.

So... I haven't seen it. I'm sorry. Can we get – Walsh is giving me the stink eye here. He's not going to let me into this store unless I – first of all, he does not know who I am. Oh, right. Yeah. Even though we did the Sports and Leisure podcast, I guess because we were so in character, he doesn't recognize me. We kind of disappeared.

But he says he's going to need to start hearing some funny food very fast. So jambalaya, the recipes are pretty simple. Andy, do you have a funny maybe protein we could start out with? A funny protein to put into a jambalaya? Yeah, what would like an andouille sausage sound like? Are you, why, I don't, I have to be the andouille sausage. You're confused about the premise overall? Yeah.

That's pretty clear. So I'm reading the book. You're reading the book. I'm saying, I've bought the Earwolf cookbook. I'm a consumer. Okay. I open it up. I turn to the page where Andy's jokey jumble eyes.

That's the centerfold. So far, I'm following it. Photoshoot to come. I don't have time for that. And lo and behold, the ingredients start reading themselves to me and doing a little bit of an improv show together. This is an interactive book? Yes.

Have you ever gotten a funny birthday card that sings a song to you? I've never gotten a funny birthday card that sings a song to me. I've had morose cards. Oh, Andy. I've had morose birthday cards that sing a song to me. Oh, no. Yeah. Wow, Andy.

I've had meaningful and poignant birthday cards that have sung a song to me. This is this show, too. The guy who's making the rest of the world laugh so who's Andy Daly's Andy Daly is what I have to have you know what I mean I hear you and the answer is nobody

the mirror is I guess not getting the job done anymore sometimes but alright so the book is reading itself to you now you want to hear well just at least what the Andouille sausage might say. Sort of, how do you do? I mean, you know, we can't do all the work, necessarily.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the Andouille, you know, that Andouille sausage, he just sidles on up to you off the page. And he's just like, I'm a little bit spicy, but you can handle it. I guess he's a cowboy. You never know when a, oh, gosh. It's going to be a cowboy. And what would, like, the rice say to him? The rice?

It's dirty rice. Keep in mind, the rice is pretty dirty. rice. It's dirty rice. Keep in mind the rice is pretty dirty. We're sopping up some of that broth. And so you don't have to. Hey, what's up, Wallace Jewish?

I'm having a lot of fun, guys. Wallace is loving this. His biggest note right now is it's not really a jambalaya at this point. I agree. It's just a pile of sausage and rice. So the food has to be funny, but it also has to be like a cohesive recipe if I've got to get in here. That's so walsh.

That takes me right back to 101. It's solo arts. That's such a walsh note. It's got to be a cohesive soup. He's thrown a dollar on the floor, on the ground I guess, rather, and he says if I can make him laugh, I get the dollar.

Okay. Hey, so they are paying performers. I thought that was like a tax hang up. I got paid in Diet Cokes and never once complained. Yeah, no, please work for me. So what? So basically, all right, you got to make him laugh, Hayes.

Is there a particular ingredient, perhaps a cup of diced celery or something that you think is going to get that dollar in your pocket so that you can buy some of these ingredients and hopefully get to the test kitchen and start tasting them live on air? Yeah, okay. Let's try a cup of diced celery. He seems to be curious

what that would sound like. Walsh wants to know what the diced celery sounds like. Andrew, diced celery? Yeah. Andrew Dice Celery. Yeah. Oh! Maybe in the process of being braised. Yeah.

It's hot in this pan! Okay, so this seems like something that has a lot of legs, and I got to tell you, I got a bunch of ingredients here, and it only is going to get more fun from here. I mean, you picture... I mean, I feel like that's all that's in jambalaya. Really? You're forgetting four garlic cloves minced, one bay leaf, one large red bell pepper diced,

two tablespoons of canola oil, diced sweet onion, dried oregano, dried thyme, two cans diced tomatoes and green chilies drained, three cups chicken broth. You're forgetting all that stuff. One pound peeled medium-sized raw shrimp. Half cup fresh fat leaf. We're basically making the movie Sausage Party. Yeah, it's not

dissimilar from Sausage Party. Well, you know I have voices for all those ingredients. Do you want to hear them or? Yes. All right. I didn't think you were going to say yes. Well, no, but you know, it's yes and.

So I would say let's hear them. Okay. And then we'll workshop them a little bit to see if we can make them a little jokier. Because of course it's a comedy book. It's a cookbook. It's got to be delicious, but it's got to be entertaining. And it's with her. So I say say do you want to hear them yeah and your yes and is yes and let's hear it let's hear them man all right do you need to hear the entire list again dan you think you should be paid for that just to to be clear, as a performer.

Wait a minute. Do I need to hear the entire list again? Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is good content. You know, a lot of this show, and you've done a podcast, a lot of it is just filling time. Of course it is. Four garlic cloves, mints, one cup diced celery, two cups diced sweet onion. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

No, one at a time. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. And dewy sausage and diced celery, we got. We already got those Wait a minute, no, one at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. Dewy sausage and diced celery, we got. We already got those, and those are in the books. The long grain rice, the dirty rice. Four garlic cloves minced. Garlic is all minced up. Okay, yeah, that's what he likes.

Okay, two cups of diced sweet onion. Ooh, sweet onion cups. Sounds a little like garlic. No, no. No, no, sweet onion cups. Sounds a little like our like two tablespoons canola oil. No, no, no,

you're incorrect. When you listen to this back, you'll realize how wrong you were. I'll feel like silly, yeah. Two tablespoons canola oil.

Ooh, that's a little bit of oil. Okay, one large red bell pepper dice. Hey, who diced me?

Okay, what? There's a lot of dicing going on in this recipe. One Bailey. Oh, dear. Well, I've been

hanging out in this glass bottle all this time. Might as well get in the soup. Two teaspoons of Creole seasoning. Oh, yeah,

wait a minute! Speaking of the golden age of SNL, I'm just like, oh yeah wait a minute speaking of the golden age of snl i'm trying to think of any words that end in t-i-o-N. Frustration. Yeah. I remember that one of the punchlines of what Creole man, inspired, of course, by Cajun man, would say. Yeah. Is that for a while, he's picking the winners of different sporting events. Love it.

Great premise. He's going like, pistons. And like different stuff like that. Pistons. And then in the end, he goes, USC. And they go, USC. And he goes, Trojans. So you could do that if you want.

And do two teaspoons of it. Two teaspoons of Trojans. Great. One teaspoon dried thyme. Yes, of course. Dried thyme. That's all you need for that. One teaspoon dried oregano.

Oh, that's an Italian guy. that One teaspoon dried oregano Oh, that's an Italian guy I'm a dried oregano Two cans of diced tomatoes and green chilies drained Thank you for drained That really tells me where to go Oh, I'm so tired I don't think I have what it takes to be in this recipe Oh, this is gold.

This is really good. Three cups of chicken broth. Right? Like a coward. Yeah. That's amazing. You're not going to like this one. Two cups of shredded cooked chicken.

But it's, yeah. I don't like that one. yeah the word shredded that suggests a a cool guy yeah so to me yeah yeah well all right let's pass come back just rid of okay yeah because he could be talking and just to do he could be talking sort of about his gym routine like the sick workout he just got in yeah fucking lats that's it that's it to me one pound peeled medium-sized raw shrimp deveined that's why you have to wait for the whole i want to go high status with the shrimp i'm surprising you you didn't think i'd shrimp deveined shrimp was gonna be a tough guy? Little Napoleon complex. Now you're surprised.

Half cup chopped fresh flat leaf parsley. This is a lot of ingredients. Yeah, but this is the last one. This is the last one? What is it again? Half cup chopped fresh flat leaf parsley. Yeah, not a lot to do with it i know yeah chopped fresh flat fresh fresh oh so what is he's maybe a bit of a stinker he's a bad boy yeah yeah uh-huh i don't know. Still. Yeah. Maybe just, I'll say this. What I saw Andy do was put a thumbtack on teacher's chair just now. And that was very fresh.

Very fresh. And there's just a garnish left, and that's chopped green onions. And of course, it's probably, we already did onions, and the garnish is optional. Yeah. And look, I mean, there's time to work on this. Not that I have any incentive to. There's not time. I hate to disagree with you there.

There's absolutely no time. What do you mean? There i have to disagree with you this book is due yesterday are you saying are you telling me that when people open up this book they're going to hear what i just said into this microphone that's right but i but that's not good andy i mean i'm not even the conversation we're having. Okay. You know what I mean? I see what you mean. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just saying. There's no good. There's no bad. There's only 20 minutes. There's only done or not done. I got it. Quality doesn't come into it. It's just about a deadline at this point.

Now, of course. This is me all over. Everyone did come up with sort of a funny, whimsical story about their recipe, where it came from, the first time they ate it. That's going to be a big part of the book. You can't just give a recipe and that's it. You can't. That is not a cookbook. It's got to be the story of stealing club steaks off the grill.

I feel like I have seen cookbooks. Where there isn't a story. Not only that, I've definitely seen cookbooks where the book does not read to you at all. You know what I'm saying? Okay, now I'm trying to picture what you're saying. I'm talking about like you open it up and you see words on a page,

but you don't hear anything unless you're listening to music or whatever. And this is for who? Who? Eggheads? Yeah, I guess. That's not podcast fans. Okay, I see what you're saying.

You know what I mean? It's an interactive audio cook market. Okay, what did you want? I just want to point out some of what's going on over here. Please. Walsh is loving these characters. Really? He has a couple pitches.

So, you know, UCB has like a podcast network. Yeah, the Sports and Leader one we did, yeah. He is hoping to sort of convert some of these guys into a podcast. He has a couple of pitches on sort of a device. He's thinking maybe the shredded chicken could be teaching the shrimp about fitness. And how to get veins, like muscle veins. And that's a series of podcasts? Or that's its own podcast?

How to get its veins back? So people are coming on. So it's a little bit like the dumbbells where people are coming on and they're learning about physical fitness and stuff. But it's hosted by Andy doing two different characters. The shredded chicken. I mean, look, that's a great idea. Yeah. Andy doing two different characters. The shredded chicken. The shredded chicken. And the giant shrimp.

Yeah. Who owns the IP on all the characters that we just invented here? Who's got the IP on them? I mean, technically, Rando House. So I wish you consulted with me about that. Yeah, Rando House owns those. And since I was allowed in to the grocery store space after the celery, we didn't need to hear all those other characters. But Matt, he was loving the celery and being so hot in the pan. He was in the process of getting braised, if I recall.

Yeah, that was a while ago. Since those were spoken, I had crossed the threshold of the grocery store, and so he does now own those characters. And I think maybe potentially, Andy, your voice, like kind of an Ursula legal maneuver. Yeah, well, I did get these legs out of the deal. Oh, you grew legs. Yeah, well, I did get these legs out of the deal. Oh, you grew legs. Yeah, I do.

I did. Well, alright, that's all confusing. But you wanted the story of the jambalaya as well? Yeah, well, that is always part of it is just a little bit of a whimsical story that's hopefully very funny about

sort of tasting the jambalaya for the first time, what it means to you. You know, why is Andy's jokey jambalaya? Because I know, of course, why some of these other recipes are what they are. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Think about it. Just even the friggin'

Matt Pistol's shrimps and grits. Curly. Like, think about that. Jason Manzupkas. And that's what, that's a soup. Yeah. Uh-huh.

It's really hot water. Really? That one's hot water. Because he's allergic to a bunch of stuff. Yeah, he can't have much more than just hot water. Yeah, so that's sort of one of his things. He's allergic to room temperature water. So he goes ahead and heats it up to make it safe, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Well, the story of the first time that I had jambalaya. I was a tugboat captain for a time. It's your tugboat or your tugboat captain for hire? Well, I was saving up to buy the tugboat. But at that time, I was only just a tugboat captain for hire. And the fellow that owned the tugboat

just kept raising the price. So I would come to him and I'd say, I've saved up enough money to buy the tugboat. And he would say, well, no, you haven't. Actually, yeah. The price has gone up. That old gag. We all know that one.

Did you ever think about buying a different tugboat? Well, isn't that funny? That's a Monday morning quarterbacking note. This goes back already 25 years. Yeah. No, I mean, the answer is no. I never did think about buying another. And I would see other tugboats from time to time up and down the river.

This was mostly the question. Never a thought to how much they cost or, yeah. No, because I really had my heart set on this particular tugboat. Well, you knew it. I mean, that was, yeah, that was the one you're familiar with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The tugboat you know. Uh, yeah. And, uh, that was the one you're familiar with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The tugboat you know.

Yeah. But I don't know. No, that's just a case of not thinking it through. Mm-hmm. But, and you know, when you're going up and down the Hudson in the tugboat, you just throw whatever you can into a pot. Sure. You know, that's what you're going to eat. Of course, yeah.

And so. Hudson River jambalaya. That's what it was. That's what it was. That's what it was. Yeah. Tree candy. My mouth is watering thinking about that Hudson River jambalaya. Yeah.

Yeah. And it was the water of the Hudson in there and just whatever else we could reach out with our hands and grab from the shoreline of upper New York and New Jersey. And it would just go in there. New York, the best water. That's what they say. Yeah, I know. Yep.

And I brought that recipe down to New Orleans. And I had called it Jokey Jambalaya. So, sorry. So, you've got the recipe. Yeah. And you're just like, I got to go to New Orleans. Was there a particular business that brought you to New Orleans? Do you have family there?

No, it was just, I got sick and tired of hearing about goddamn Sean Penn down there saving people in that Hurricane Katrina. And I said, fuck that, I'm going to do it too, because at that time. Yeah, you know, I had done some stuff, but I needed to, you know. You certainly are familiar with water, your tugboat captain. Yes, exactly. Who better to tug some of these people out of the deep water? That's precisely right. But yeah, I'll go up there.

I'm in one of them wards and just tug people. And that's what brought me down to New Orleans. And I brought my jokey jambalaya. And it just, I mean, people were amazed by it. And ever since then, it's just been something that they serve down there in New Orleans. And yes, and they're known for that. And that's why it's so good for the book. Great.

Yeah. And you and Sean Penn have a storied history together. You, of course, are always kind of pissed at him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he and I are like oil and water, and we've been going at it for years. Yeah. Well well it started because he

long time ago yeah but go into it I was I threw a birthday party and he wasn't even like he was not invited but he has the same birthday

and he found out this party was going on so that's a dick move right to show up and kind of say well now it's a co-party right

yeah it's my birthday party too right well let's do it. To Sean and Andy. Yeah, exactly. And even to the point where I caught him in the kitchen trying to take the cake and trying to redirect some of the letters on the cake to figure out how to fashion his own name out of it. Right, see if he could make it.

All he ended up doing was making a mess. So that was the beginning of the two of us just not entirely getting along. And that night, to be honest, I was just trying to be a dick. But it's true. I've never seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And that just made him crazy. Because he's a woman director? Yes.

And so he's been for years now just trying to come up. And it's almost, it's a prank, but not funny because it's very hostile, where he's been trying to connive, finagle different ways of getting me to watch that movie. Sure, yeah. So he'll find out like, I'll get tickets to go see

this just happened a few weeks ago, to go see Into the Spider-Verse. I brought my kids, and I'm there at the Americana in Glendale, and all of a sudden this green flickers, and it's Fast Times Riff on High because he's gone in there to the projection booth, and he's cut some deal with the guy in there, and he's walking around with the cans, the canisters of the film. Infinite resources.

Well, that's the problem. Don't get into a fucking prank war where the guy like that has got more money than sense. It's so obvious he should have told you that you guys were recording a podcast where every episode you talk about one minute of Fast Time with Rick by the High. But he's a movie guy. Yeah, so he doesn't know. He's an old Hollywood guy.

That is a good point. His ideas are about movies. That's a good point. One of the issues, yes. You're lucky if he ever does catch on to podcasts. Does he? Trouble. You don't know whether he lives or does not listen to this podcast.

Sean Penn, does he listen to this one? I couldn't say with certainty. We had El Chapo on. Obviously, he's friends with El Chapo. Sure, yeah. We don't see Andy. Sorry, this is, I don't think, I thought you would know this. We don't see the names of everyone who listens to the show.

Oh, you don't? Oh, I do on my podcast. I get that information. Yeah. You get their full name. Yeah, I ask to see all the analytics, but their full name and when they listen to it and how long did they pause it and where they were, where in their house they were when they listened to it.

Because I just want to get a sense of it helps me to know what to do on my podcast. I'm surprised you guys don't want to know. Where do people mostly listen in the house? Almost always in the garage. With the car running. In the garage window. With the car running. Door closed.

That's like 87% what a way to go. Okay, you get any information on whether there's a hose coming out of the tailpipe while they're listening? Don't be ridiculous. These analytics are not that specific. At a certain point, I think you're being facetious, obviously, but people are going to think we have those sort of analytics. We only know the people's full name, what section of the house they listen to the podcast in whether the car was running or not when they stopped it whether the car was running whether the garage door was closed yeah right we don't know if there's a hose that's a third party

device we don't yeah yeah but uh i'd love to know that and i wouldn't be surprised if in the future they can tell you no i think that's coming i think that's only I think that's only a couple months away. AI, yeah, sure. Yeah, I got to rewatch that, AI. Oh, yeah. So the book obviously is the main idea for the episode. Of what? Of this. Oh!

What we're doing is talking about the book um i you know i'm not gonna sit here and bullshit you i thought the ingredients would take up more time oh really yeah so so now what i'd like to do you know i mean what he's being polite some of the other comedians really prepared. Oh, I see what you're saying. So everybody had like three minutes. Well, the Michael Ian Black Bean Soup, as you could imagine, he brought it. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of stuff about guns.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Guns, everything. I mean, he really went into it. And so if you could take some hardline political stances, I don't know if you're willing to co-author your recipe with Meghan McCain. I don't know. That's not for me to say whether that is a good idea for the jambalaya or not.

That'd be fine. She and I have been circling one another for a while oh there are projects uh yeah but i gotta tell you i see both sides of just about every issue so it's hard for me to come down and that is and we hate taking sides on this thing as you know hey the show's uta package is good it's bad you know you know i mean yeah it's it's whatever yeah yeah um do you want me to go away and write five minutes per ingredient and because i'd be more than happy to do that that would maybe be too much oh um i guess what we could get into is maybe some of the, just outside of the ingredients, some of the preparation steps.

Do we have a funny twist on any of this stuff? Like I'll just hit you with one of them. Shit. Add diced onion and next seven ingredients to the hot drippings. Stir in shrimp. You know, does that give you an idea for a riff of some kind? Because I, of course, want to set you up to succeed. Yeah.

If you win, we win. So like hot drippings. Okay. Is that the opposite of cool runnings? You know? So that would be a movie where it's like a bobsledding team from a cold part of the world. That's right. That's right.

Or no. Sorry. Sorry. Just to pitch. I can't help it. It's just sort of my nature. Is it a surfing team from Finland? Is it a surfing team from, yeah, or Greenland?

Where is it cold? And they're surfing. Right? Yeah. And they're surfing right? yeah and they're what really good at it? haze?

uh yeah well not at first yeah they take a little while okay they're a bit of a bad news bears uh huh yeah well I mean

almost a bit of a cool running like that seems a little on the nose. Yeah. To take a shorter walk. Okay. I like to get two cool runnings by way of Bad News Bears. Okay.

All right. I'm not going to tell you how to do your job. This is not my job. Let's be clear. Yes, let's. No part of this is my job. So speaking of books being my job now. Good.

And Andy, by the way, I just want to, if you need any pointers on making podcasts your job sort of by default, we can really help you out with that. You mean starting something as a hobby, as a sideline, and then waking up one day going, oh shit, that's my job. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And five years have gone by, Andy. Yeah. You didn't even see them go by. Oh, no. And they're just way off in the distance. And you reach it to get it back, but they're gone, Andy. That sounds good to me

because I am very aware of the passage of each and every day and you're a little too present i'm too present thank you i'd like to wake up one day and go what happened yeah so i could use pointers on that sure yeah yeah we could we could it's not for the show necessarily but uh yeah i'll stay on the line when we're done here yeah that could be a good thing to go through but it is the sort of the experience of not recognizing the face in the mirror yeah knowing that that is the face of a podcaster you can tell you can just tell by the eyes yes see that and go and the chilling realization that it is your own yeah that's what i want because i look in the mirror every day and go that's the guy i saw yesterday yeah having fun yeah yeah yeah that feels pretty good huh but for a change of pace i wouldn't mind waking up one day let's mix it up

and just going i don't know yeah i don't know who that guy is but he wants to sell me a mattress. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh yeah. And there's so many out there. Great choices. And again, we try not to take sides on many things. Uh-huh. But on this issue.

On the issue of mattresses. Of cutting out the middleman and getting a mattress delivered directly to your home and how can they fit it in their size box? I mean that you're against it. Right. Or no, are you for that? No, that I am for emphatically for.

That's a note. Andy, tell me what you think about this. We're pitching a new version. So it used to be the Casper copy said, how did they do? How'd they do that size box? Yes.

How'd they do that size box? How'd they do that size box? We always ask, do what? Yeah, that was my thing. I was like, how'd they do what? So we asked them, how'd you do what? And they responded, fit it in there.

I go, say that! And we're like, okay, so just say, how'd they fit it in their size box? Yeah, how'd they fit it in their size box yeah how'd they fit it in their size box and I my preference my initial pitch was it should come in a box that's so small that you're like hey wait how could an entire mattress

fit inside this box because how small it is see that's great you picked that to them yeah and they thought that was too much detail so we're sort of negotiating but I think we're going to land somewhere in the middle on how they fit it in there, the mattress size box. A box? A box?

A box of a size that you don't associate with a mattress and it inspires you to want to see the process of getting a mattress in that box. Right? That's my, yeah, that's what I like. And they're selling the box, right? The box you get to keep. Wait a minute. Oh.

The product is the mattress and the box. Yes. The box is the product. The box to me is the appeal. They're selling the sizzle, really. Not the steak. I mean, that's what we're selling. Yeah.

But the box is the thing that you're excited to receive once you've ordered this. Sell the swizzle, not the stick. Sell the swizzle, not the stick. When will they learn? Yeah. No, that is the secret to it. And that is what we've been trying to teach them is like, just focus on the box. Make the whole ad about the box.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the box sounds insane to me. Because I'll tell you, honestly, they sent me one and the box blew my mind. Unreal. Yeah. And then I opened it up. Goosebumps. Totally.

I opened it up and I brought it inside and I opened up the box and I, okay, you know, you do the thing, you got to cut the thing open and the next thing you know, you got a mattress. And then what do you have? A mattress.

Sure. Yeah. But you miss the box, don't you? Yes. I just kept looking back at that box going back when that box was a mystery to me, I was happier,

you know, now what am I going to do? Go to sleep. Yeah. Anyway, youth is wasted on the, here was happier. Now what am I going to do? Go to sleep? Yeah. Anyway. Youth is wasted on the... Here, here. But in terms of books...

Yes. You a family man, Andy? Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a big proponent of family. I have a famous dog that often comes to these shows. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

He... Cartoon dog or real dog? Real dog. Okay. Here's a picture of him with his best friend, Tony. Is that a real wood deck or tricks? I don't know. Okay. What do you want it to be? I want it to be real wood. Hey, man. It's real as shit.

I'm getting a sense from that answer that he does know. He doesn't necessarily want to say. It's wood, baby. All right, sweet. Yeah, it's rule.

Termites love it. Sure they do. They can't help but love it. Oh, yeah. It's their main food. So the dog is a frequent collaborator of ours on the show. His name is Bosch.

Recently, I'd say two weeks ago, I have had a child, a young boy. Come into the world. He's born. Oh, to be born from a person. From the body of a woman. From a woman. Got it. Passed through her. Yes. Just woman. From a woman. Got it. Passed through her.

Yes. Just stated. Mmm. Mmm. Bust free. Yes. And is now. Yes.

And come upon the world. Uh-huh. Yes. And doing his thing. How long ago? Two weeks. How small? Ah, yes.

A little. Yes. But he does not like to hear that. Oh, really? Does not like to be called small. Have you already insulted the child? A lot of times you'll go, oh, he. A little. Yes. But he does not like to hear that. Oh, really? Does not like to be called small. Have you already insulted the child? A lot of times you'll go, oh, he's so small. And he does not want to hear that's not what he wants to be told.

Okay. So it's fine. He's not here, but he does listen to the show. So Bosh, the dog, now has this baby in the house and has been noticing that a lot of these children's books are sort of just nonsense. Oh, yeah. And he's thinking there's money to be made. He wants to start writing books, children's books. This is – look, I tried to do this.

Okay. I fell into this exact same trap okay great with two things one one was harry potter and the other one was pokemon i did i did the exact same thing where i said to myself this is ridiculous therefore i can do it aha and there there's a logical fallacy in there because if you don't understand why it's successful you you can't do it. So this is what I would like to explain to Bosch. I don't know why people like Pokemon. And so that makes- You got to catch them all.

I know you got to catch them all. Yeah. Do you? Do I know that you got to catch them all? Yeah. That's all I do. Oh, I didn't know I was dealing with the real deal. But it made me think I could design.

I could come up with a whole bunch. But it made me think I could design. I could come up with a whole bunch. Yeah, make a Pokemon. Yeah, squeezy face. Lampazord. Yeah, right. Walk around guy. Micotron. Yeah.

Fandangle. Fandangle. Don's movie tickets. Burf Marble. Ramonette. Put him in. Guy. And all of them make little pictures of a guy and all of them make draw little pictures of a guy

and all that stuff right well cut to me wasting almost three years of my life making up

homemade cards with names on them and little drawings my own drawings and all various stats and stuff like that sure I can't sell this idea

to fucking anybody what were some of the stats what were these guys doing they were like what you know pole vaults they're blasting goo idea to fucking anybody. What were some of the stats? What were these guys doing? They were like, you know, pole vaults. They're blasting goo. Yeah, yeah. This guy will clean your chimney in 2.3 seconds. You know, because I don't know what the

fuck is going on with these guys. Yeah, what are they doing? Give a shit. Blast face and fire hammer. Even some of these famous books that you remember. You read Where the Wild Things Are. Yeah. What the fuck is that book?

Just nothing shit. What's the message? Well, we should say spoiler first. I'm about to ruin the ending. It's a and then I woke up story. Yeah. Right? That's bull. It's bullshit. Yeah. first yeah i'm about to ruin the ending it's a it's a and then i woke up story yeah right that's bull it's bullshit yeah i would say maury sendak he just goes please rethink the ending good drawings he goes there and he's like hangs out and they're like we like you and he, all right, peace, deuces, kick rocks, I'm out. Then he goes home, eats dinner.

Uh-huh. What the fuck? That is not a great story. No, but really the worst thing about it is I got pretty invested in those monsters and I got pretty invested in that world. And I started to think, well, would it be like to be the king of that world? And then to be told at the end of the book, after I've spent an hour and a half reading it, that it was all a dream?

No, thank you. And my understanding is you spent an additional two to three years designing some of these other monsters that they maybe hang out with. The wild, wild things aren't monsters. Yeah. All this other, before somebody did explain the end of that book to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That there just never were really any.

Well, I had read it and I didn't get, I'm not a fast reader and I get frustrated. Nor am I. Yeah. So I had read most of that book and didn't get to the end, but because I was so inspired to just kind of build out the world. And yeah, that was about two and a half years

of just kind of what else is in the wild thing world? And what about that sea monster? We never hear from him. And just kind of digging deep into it and then yeah to then later learn it was a dream none of it's real you wasted your time yeah piss me off shit piss me the fuck off fucking pissed new heart all over again and i'll tell you what else and i'll tell you what else yeah Yeah. That has given Bosh an idea. Okay, yes.

So now Bosh is just gonna... He's gonna just write a book. Okay. A children's book. I mean, I'd be interested to read

a dog's attempt at writing a children's book. What does a dog think that children are interested in? He's... Well, he'd like

to be the star of it. Okay. He actually has an idea for his own cookbook for kids but it's really just an instruction manual on how to drop food on the floor guy and that is sort of his concept and to me it feels sneaky sure it feels duplicitous and it feels like there could be some money in it. Yeah. A recipe book by a dog that is – and it deals not at all with the food itself or what's in the food or how the food is made.

Well, I guess – It is entirely a book about how to drop it on the floor where I can get it. I guess each page would be a new food. Like it would be like, you know, for example, and I'm not an impressionist. I don't necessarily do Bosh's voice. He has his own voice, but I'll make an attempt. But it would be like chapter two, the corn dog. Perhaps as you enjoy that. How serious an attempt is that at doing the dog's voice?

I'm just curious to know. For me, I don't like to put myself out there or ever risk being embarrassed. I'm not somebody who, you know, my soup for the book was rather simple. Okay. And it was for this very reason because it was Sean's rather simple soup. And it was because I didn't want to have to put myself out there doing all kinds of ingredients. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a nightmare. That's a nightmare. Well, and you lived through it. Oh, I did. Yes. And I, I got to see it firsthand and you broke into a sweat and you

looked sick to your stomach. Yeah. And you humiliated yourself. Yes, I did. And it's recorded. Yes. Now forever. Uh, yeah, that will be out there for all time there's going to be a lot of discussion about it on the reddit and it's going to be the end yeah that'll be a wrap on Andy Daly and it was a fucking hell of a run sure it was I got no regrets no none whatsoever

yeah no I hate regrets they suck they suck a hairy fat one, regrets. I mean, we can all agree on that. Speaking of a hairy fat one, Bosh, his voice is similar to that, but I'm not going to go nuts with it.

But it is like, he's like, ha, ha, ha, Bosh the dog. So here's a little cookbook. There you go. Now that's a voice. Yeah, that is the voice. And he might say,

how to make the perfect corn dog. Maybe knock some of it off the stick. It falls on the floor. And he gives himself away a bit, I think, by laughing at each suggestion. Do you think this is a good children's book? away a bit, I think, by laughing at each suggestion. Do you think this is a good children's book?

As long as at no time are we told that this was all a dream, I'm fine with it. That's the only way to fuck up a children's book. I'm going to take that back to him. I'm going to take that back to him. Are there other children's books that have seemed like just a dream to you?

Any that you want to get off your chest and we can put them on notice today on Hollywood Handbook and we fucking light them up? Fucking light them up! The Grinch Stealing Christmas? Dream. All a dream. That didn't happen at all. Winnie the

Poo? All a child's dream. No way. Those animals didn't talk or do anything those are stuffed animals curious george monkey isn't that curious no only in a dream could a monkey be that curious flat stanley bullshit bullshit whole fucking shit if you were that flat you would be dead but in a dream yeah in a dream sure sure hey i'll tell you what crayons don't do what is that what the freaking herald of the purple Crayon crayon did. That's a dream.

Unless you're dreaming. Yes, unless you're dreaming. Almost 100% of these books take place in dreams. Yes, they do. And they don't all specifically say at the end, this was a dream and then I woke up and now I wasn't dreaming anymore. But it's in there. Clearly, these are all in a dream state.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, they're drawings. Huh? They're drawings. They're drawings. Huh? They're drawings. They're drawings. There's no photographic proof of basically any of the children's books, uh,

events. Yeah. And think about that. Yeah. No, I wrote a letter to, uh, uh,

the Dr. Seuss state. Yeah. Just saying like, can you provide me with one photograph of the cat in the hat? Like please. Yeah. One, one photograph. Very cat in the hat? Please. One. Very generous.

One photograph. Very generous. Yes. To just say, to limit it to, just give me one. Just give me one photograph of the cat in the hat and, you know, thing one or thing two. I don't need to see both. They don't have to be both. No.

They don't have to be together. Not an asshole. Although I'm led to believe they're frequently together. Yes. But I'm not going to hold your feet to the fire if you only had a photograph of thing one or thing two i would be curious accepted but fine yeah uh and i received back literally i received back like a form letter and and not even a personalized not even a personal letter and it did not address it just thanked me for you know being like being- Like liking the books.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, shit. It's just like, well, somebody's afraid of something. You know what I mean? Yeah. Somebody doesn't want to, you know, get into this. I wrote, I asked for full nudes of the Lorax. You did?

I wanted to see the Lorax's axe. You know what I'm talking about? I know what you're talking about. Because in those drawings- It seems like that thing. He's not wearing anything. Obviously, I know

he's not the one chopping the trees down. He likes the trees, but he's also got an axe of his own. I go, hey, I'm not pissed. Fellow Ivy Leaguer, you're a Dartmouth man. Of course, I made all my Harvard cronies.

Yeah, I have to give it up for that, although we do peer down our bifocals a bit at him. And I say, here's one full noodle Lorax. Tasteful. You don't have to be fully aroused. You know what I mean? I don't care if he's just chubbing it up. I'm not pissed. I say, hey, just give me one.

And it could be from a behind angle, just sort of in shadow. Yeah. Where it's implied, but you can't necessarily make out all the lines. And what do you think I got back? A jail. I went to jail for this. You went to jail for that? Yes.

Whoa. They really got scared. Oh, yeah. They know that we know. It's all a dream. It's all. Every fucking one of them is a dream. So, Kevin, are we basically done with the show?

We are. Hayes hung up. Okay, well. He has been quiet for a long time. I noticed that he was being very cagey. Yes, and that's one of the things that lets me know

this guy's not here. When I haven't heard him for 30 minutes, that's when I start to go, I think this guy's not here. You're very perceptive. Well, that's the greatest compliment I've ever received to be called perceptive by Andy Daly. Andy, he's

here to promote multiple podcasts. Go ahead, rattle them off before we go. Oh, well, the Andy Daly It's all we have time for. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Hamburg.