Hollywood Handbook - Aubrey Plaza, Our Close Friend Again

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

The Boys welcome back AUBREY PLAZA to help make her brand even weirder.Watch the video recording of this episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Hollywood Handbook live in Los Angeles March 29th with guest Timothy Simons at the Dynasty Typewriter!Click for ticketsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast you know for me it's just like okay we've had this like graphic forever this like you know notebook thing that is the hollywood handbook logo but we don't have a hollywood handbook guy like what's our little guy we need a little like kind of crazy guy who's running around and like i guess the implication is that he's killing people ideally yes but there used to be more little guys like this running around like the fucking honeycomb monster and uh i don't, like even like every cereal really used to have a little guy or something. Have a little guy. And it made me like feel like a friend was with me when I went to eat the cereal.

Why don't we have that for the podcast? Like a little hairy guy with like great big eyes and sharp teeth so he could kill he has really sharp teeth he has a tiny little gun uh ideally yeah tiny but like but it's got a lot of bullets and he wants the podcast like he wants to steal the podcast or something well the podcast is so appealing to listen to he wants to steal the podcast or something well the podcast is so appealing to listen to he wants to be the only one that can hear it they can listen to the podcast then there's a sense of danger when you start listening to our show it's like fuck man this this guy might come kill me so that i can't listen anymore and his name is like bezo i like be Beezo. I don't want to pitch all day.

Squeeble, I would have said, but we've already got Beezo. Well, Aubrey, actually, this could be good for you when you're done blowing your nose. Do we have Aubrey? I'm still here. I'm here. So Aubrey joined us to have dinner.

Speeding? Speeding, gang. Speeding? Kevin Speeds? Speeding, gang. Speeding? Kevin Speeds? Make it safe? Kevin Speeds, make it safe. Have you ever seen someone just suck on a piece of rosemary before? Have I, personally? And that'll get you absolutely blasted, that stuff.

Like, people don't realize. Oh, my God. I'll meet you up there on the moon sweetheart it's the it's the sap the sap has tropedelic effects that was earthy yeah if you braise it first you wake up in another fucking country you get brazy i get brazy you know actually the the reason why people grill meat with rose with rosemary on it is because the rosemary counteracts the char and makes you not get cancer or something. Yeah, the ancient elders knew that. And we decided to just completely abandon everything that all the knowledge had accumulated because we were like, oh, we got this. Oh, yeah.

No, we don't need. don't we know more than you yeah okay we don't need it to obey any of our natural instincts to include rosemary when we grill i'll just use dill which is basically fucking poison yeah and now today we cover our steak in dill so that everybody's eating these health effects dill steaks have you ever tripped on dill man that shit is fucked up i've been tripping i've tripped i've been tripping i've been tripping dillies before it's time for me to admit said never mind you all right well you said never mind do you do you have an idea i guess maybe that is your idea for a name for our little guy. What do you think about us having a little guy?

Because I feel like you didn't know what the show... Trippin' Dillies? Yeah. His name is Trippin' Dilly. He says Dilly Dilly when he runs around killing people. I think he should look like a tiny Dave Matthews Band guy. Like he just looks like... Should he have like an electric

violin yeah oh you wait you think oh there's only one kind of dave matthews band guy no i meant they're actually all individuals i meant the actual dave matthews each one of them brings something beautiful to that cosmic stew that is the dave matthews band sound so let it be like a guy is so dismissive could we insert him into the lore and say that tripp and dilly is you know he's like trying to steal the band sort of and so he is killing the members one by one i mean like is that well and he's tripping so hard that it may justify some of his more violent actions. Do you not know there's a song called Trippin' Billies? That's so crazy. Okay, tell me about that.

Isn't there? Sing me a bar because that actually has me interested. Wow, that really lines up. That's amazing. That's going to help this idea that we had, which is to associate it with Dave Matthews' band. Who sings it? I don't know.

I thought there was only one guy now here i am thinking that so so i guess in the lord tripping dilly would only have killed one member of dave matthews band to replace them or just to like kind of steal the band is there only one that here's my idea for the story and you guys can help me pitch on this he as they were entering stage killed one band member took their instrument and came out and started playing with the band and then throughout the course of the concert he's killing everyone else in the band tripping dilly's tripping dilly is do you guys know the name of the guy who replaced Leroy Moore on saxophone? And Dave Matthews band?

This is real. And this should actually be the name of our little guy. Ready? Gru grucks. Zebras. His name is Jeff Coffin. Sick. It's a good name for like a scary little guy.

Yeah. He has a little saxophone Jeff so unassuming and then when he hits you with a coffin you're like uh-oh why did I let my guard down I wish I knew Aubrey first what what are we doing what are we we got to figure this out we gotta nail this down let's tighten it up okay the little guy kills the haters man no not this no forget that that's our podcast that's over fuck that that was a that was a million years ago you made it very clear you don't know what the podcast is you shouldn't be involved in pitching on the guy it is your second time doing it you did ask me a lot of fundamental questions about it right before we recorded i thought this was a television show okay so it would. So it will be if you do it right. Yes.

So we need to unify your brand in some way. We're all over the place. What is the brand? The brand is not branding right now. Really? Is that what they say? It's just generally weird weird it's not pinned down yeah sean can speak sean is like i feel like my problem is that i've got too much brand

i think i would sort of agree with i agree i agree i agree but we're saying the same thing we're arguing an agreement here because the brand is is so big and expansive. And what I'd like to do is focus it in. I'd like to keep it unusual, right? We don't want to be traditional. We don't want to be boring. But I'd like to do things that invite people in while remaining unique. What kind of people?

The right kind of people. The right ones. Huh. You know what we mean. Oh, God. I don't know if I... Let me just throw... I have some ideas. Let me throw out one idea. And this is just... This would be a headline that you would see on Daily Mail

or something. One of these things Hayes reads all day. Aubrey Plaza wearing a very long t-shirt and shoes and trainers.

That's the caption. Yeah. And then it says, Aubrey Plaza does all her grocery shopping at Jersey Mike's. Oh. So it's just like, you go in there. You know Jersey Mike's? You know Jersey Mike's?

You ever had it Mike's way? I definitely have seen the sign, but I'm more of, is that a, do they sell cheesesteaks there? Mm-hmm. Not, but. Chicken Philly cheesesteak as well. This is the kind of thing that we need to, you cannot be out here saying, do they sell cheesesteaks there? Yeah, we do.

Do they sell cheese and steak? Yes. Because you buy your groceries individually at Jersey. That's an important distinction. You do not ever get a sandwich there. I only buy subs. That's what everybody everybody else does you go there to buy the ingredients i'm from philly dude no i buy subs no you don't buy subs that's not what you do see this is the problem this is yeah right there's nothing about like you go to jersey mike's and like buying a sub

you're asleep it's not gonna get in the daily mail you going into jersey Mike's and like buying a sub. You're asleep at the wheel. It's not going to get in the Daily Mail. You going into Jersey Mike's and saying, okay, can I get three slices of tomato? Can I get a half a pound of the turkey? Yes. Oh, actually, can you bag up that lettuce for me? And you just get like their whole bin of lettuce. And then buy like the drinks as well. And then you go like all right thanks i'm done

with my grocery shopping and put it into the bag and walk out and then snap snap you're in your trainers you're in your long t-shirt and all of a sudden we've got this story of every time someone goes to a jersey mike's and there are a lot of them they now are thinking wow i'm like aubrey but not quite she's still unique but i'm connected to her does this make sense at all see i thought they only sold pizza there no it's not a pizza it's not pizza and wings okay you going into jersey i'm willing to entertain you going into every day for lunch you go into jersey mics and order pizza and ask if they have pizza order a pizza and they do actually kind of figure out they mush up a tomato they put it on the long piece of bread they put the cheese on it for you they have actually

figured out how to accommodate your wishes and make a special pizza mike's way which is with salt and vinegar and stuff like that so it's like it's all it's all wet what and i get it all over my i'll get it all over my t-shirt all over your long t-shirt yeah sauce on your trainers yeah laces are ruined i think uh yeah the sauce is squeezing out of the last part of the bread drips right down thank you yes but we should call it a pizza. So we should say crust. It's squeezed out of the crust. Is it sauce or is it blood? See, then it goes back into my brand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that... I love the idea that you order pizza there. Can I say that? That actually works with what we wanted to do, but also with what you seem to be able to wrap your head around in terms of like what this place is so i think that that's a great compromise for us and it does

sound like a pizza place like honestly you're gonna win a lot of people over like jersey mike's sounds like it should be a place where you can go and get a big pizza pie i just like the visual of me walking out with a big pizza pie um balancing it like the visual of me walking out with a big pizza pie, balancing it on my palm of my hand instead of dragging around some dirty plastic bags in the mud. Yeah, we can't see what's inside the bag, too. Although sometimes mystery can be... You can always tell when somebody's carrying a pizza.

People know the silhouette. Okay, so big pizza... Right, but the silhouette in this case... I'm sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. But the silhouette in this case is'm sorry go ahead the silhouette of this this case is going to be a long piece of bread yeah it's not going to be a traditional we're talking about the silhouette specifically like it's not well but i can still carry it like a pizza i can still carry it in the palm of my hand you're carrying it up over the shoulder in the palm

of your hand you can do that sure okay i like that um are we prepared to move on i have some you know i have some other stuff i i mean i can i have an area yeah okay great that would be great what are you uh what are you pushing around town right now aubrey i'd say like 116 118 What's the wheel? The ride What car are you driving? Like in my real life

Or in my rental life Because right now I'm in the woods I have a rental car out there But to be honest What's that? What are we renting these days? A Rogue Nissan Rogue What's that? Hold on. Let me get the keys. What are we renting these days? A Rogue.

Nissan Rogue. Yeah, it's a Nissan Rogue. Wow. Brie will be pleased. Why? Are we friends with Brie? Brie's going to be over the moon. Because Brie gets a little piece. Who's that?

Every time you rent a Nissan Rogue, Brie gets... Are you talking about Larson? Yes, although I'm also wondering if that's the kind of cheese you get out of your Jersey Mike's pizza. A brie pizza. A brie pizza. Can I get a brie pizza in Mike's way? This is a black Nissan Rogue

2019. Damn. Wow. I'm wondering if when you get home, doesn't have to be now, you start customizing a murdered out Mercy where it's like a $200,000 car that you have customized to have a stop sign that goes like like flares out from the side when you stop like a school bus and it's colored like a school bus and it says school bus on the back of the car it's a mercy logo which of course means that you've got the like the fuck is a mercy logo it's a car is this a british thing again why don't you do your

british voice again you want to talk about british it's it's it's italian italian x so why don't you do an italian accent uh we've gotten in trouble in the past for some of the ways that we spoke about time i told an offensive joke about Italians. A guy, whatever. And Kevin said something really... Kevin called... What was it? You called him a grease something? He said something very distressing.

It was revolting. So we just need to take some episodes off. Was that a spicy steak? It had Worcestershire sauce. That's really spicy. That can result in side dish trouble. Now you're fucking with the British palate. They don't fuck around with that shit.

They will light you up. They'll heat you up, man. I heard a story the other day about... Actually, I don't know if I'm allowed to say it. It's about Peter Sellers. He drove an ambulance. Anyway, all I want to say is I'd rather drive an ambulance than a school bus.

Ambulance than a school bus? Okay. I mean, this is similar to altering the Jersey Mike's thing to getting pizza, although I think you've made it worse. I like the idea, okay, you have this murdered out ambulance.

You pull up, it says Aubrey Lentz, but it's backwards on the front of your car. Did you just say Aubrey Lentz? Aubrey Lentz. And so people can see it in their rearview mirror. I am a little attached to the stop sign that comes out every time you stop the car. It's an Aubrey Lens, so it doesn't have to follow all the ambulance rules.

Aubrey Lenses don't need a stop sign, bro. Because you see an ambulance, you stop. That's a law. I guess you kind of busted my ass i'm sorry what if it's um oprylens in the front school bus in the back so i don't know i just want a thing where like people aren't going to be just like getting into an ambulance you know what i mean like people like gravitate toward people are going to be getting in the school bus like trying to go to school that's heat the people who did get into the ambulance a lot of them would be sick or dying

yeah and i feel like that's not the fan base we want to cultivate those are not great consumers people can get into ambulances just if they have bad back. They have to lay down straight. They have sciatica or whatever. This could be an interesting area for you. We might be finding it that you just get into ambulances when you see them. I need a rest, brother. I'm talking about driving the ambulance.

You can buy ambulances. Like Bringing Out the Dead, one of the most famous Italian movies of all time. I think we're on a delay. Yeah, that might be what's going on. I'm serious. Your mouth is talking, but I can't hear what you're saying. Am I crazy?

No, no, no. Not for that reason. Let me cleanse your palate okay why don't you change your name to rumple steel skin no come on all right i'll do it do it and then i actually have a connection to him okay well this sounds like a story i want to hear no it's not really a story it honestly isn isn't a story, so just forget about it. Well, I saw you suck it on the rosemary earlier, and I did think if you were Rumpelstiltskin,

I know it's not totally related to the story, but you could eat hay during interviews. I am connected to druids, elves, and small creatures. And Rumpelstiltskin, where does he fall in that spectrum for you? Is Rumpelstiltskin a druid of some kind in your mind? I mean, he has magical powers. He does.

He has magical powers. And he's a little guy. He is one of these kind of funny little guys that they used to have around. No, it's true. It's not that dissimilar from Tripping Dilly. Tripping Dilly. Tripping Dilly. Rumpelstiltskin is creepy as fuck.

He lives in a cave and he has a long beard. And I honestly don't remember what else he does except for sleep. Oh, he spends A into gold, friend. He'll get you out of a jam. I like this version where he says hay instead of straw. Yeah. Okay, all right. That's what it is.

The difference between hay and straw is like... I agree with you. That's going to stop down the show. Please educate everyone about the difference between hay and straw. I said I like it. I was not aware of the unique properties of straw. If I could eat hay, I would. I would eat it all day long.

Hay hay. Hollywood Handbook. This week on the Patreon, the boys do a teaser freezer for Fast 10. And the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Plus, see Hollywood Handbook live this week in Los Angeles March 29th with guest Timothy Simons at the Dynasty Typewriter. Check out all these shows and the video of Sean and Hayes

in today's episode at patreon.com slash theflagrantones. Hollywood Handbook. Part of self-care is finding ways to make your life easier. I know for me, I like to eat my breakfast in the shower. It's kind of a two birds, one stone thing.

Some people might think it's weird, but I get the shower done and it saves me all the time that I used to have to waste spraying my eggs with a hose before I eat them. So they'll be nice and wet. Self-care is an everyday practice. And part of that is staying groomed. It's never been easier. Actually, you got a high quality daily shave. Thanks to Harry's. See, Harry's is this business that's pretty cool. They do razors. And one thing I love about them, all of these razor companies talk on and on about how sharp their blades are. And Harry's is no different, but they're the only ones that say, hey, be careful. Okay. They're not saying anything bad happened, all right? They're not saying anything bad should happen.

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conversations what does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them they're pulling it what What does that mean? Does their finger hurt? I wonder if they spotted a spider web or something. They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a lot of dates. And I need and have needed something like Babel to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it

looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as i'm going that's what i've been doing dangerous yeah but some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Aubrey, are we circling the MCU at all? Is there like a little flirtation happening there? Are we thinking about... I'm not going to go in... If you try to lead me down that path, I swear to God. Okay, okay, okay.

This is what I'm talking about. Okay. This is not gotcha journalism. Okay. There's no clues. I told you that. There's no clues coming out of... If there were a way to, I approach that world are you friends with uh

channing no comment oh not even that okay okay you remember when he was like uh his big thing was that he always wanted to do gambit and he was gonna like write and direct gambit and like it was like his big passion project yes wait i'm pretty i'm like a hundred percent sure i auditioned for that yeah it was like a big deal and you're like holy shit this guy really wants to fucking throw a wait a minute yes no any card who's gonna that movie it was channing and reed were writing it I think Reed was going to direct it no I feel like there was like some other big director that I went into and he made me

take my shoes off I swear to God and I'm not afraid to talk about it well because if you were auditioning to be Rogue potentially Rogue with her shoes off is adds an element of incredible danger. No, it does.

There's a tension there where if one little piggy goes to market on you, even accidentally, you're going to be the roast beef for dinner. Is there? And maybe I'm conflating two audition stories in one but i'm pretty sure it was the gambit one that okay i've been on so many auditions so this is like a million auditions they're all i mean i can't keep track of my auditions anymore but this is a way to enter this world be like i'm not i'm not just like doing another superhero movie this is my passion project i have always had this character that i have wanted to bring to life on the screen and you say i'm gonna do my favorite mcu character and that is gold

member you think the gold member is a character in the MCU? Yeah, Goldmember. From Austin Powers? From the Austin Powers films, yes. But again, you don't know. We have to cut you saying from Austin Powers because if this is going to work, it has to be that you are convinced that Goldmember is like Senator Kelly's brother or something. Yes, and is an MCU character that you are going to write direct play

gold member in the mcu aubrey plaza is gold member and you think and that he's pissed at spider-man or something and that's then that's what you think Goldmember is. You think Goldmember has no teeth. No teeth. Definitely has no teeth. No shoes. And he's mad at Spider-Man. No shoes. Yes, and he's really mad at Spider-Man. I don't even want to know what he does to him.

Well, you'll have to decide. That's an interesting angle. Wait, who am I? You're writing and directing the film and you don't know want to know what he does to him it's not even that she doesn't have interest she actively does not want to know what i demand to play every character including like the old grandparents are you talking about uncle ben whatever you want to call him. Aunt May. The old grandparents. Marissa Tomei. Come on.

Remember when Tilda Swinton played the old man in Suspiria? Nobody blinks an eye. I can't play an old man in Goldmember. Everybody freaks out. I think you got the range to play Goldmember and having aged Goldmember from the release of that film all the way up until today gold number has to start out with one of those knapsacks on a stick and you know damn just a second too slow all right kevin hayes is up seven to nine

i said my score first on the bindle count on the podcast. Why the fuck would you know what that word is? I got another one for you. I always have a go bindle. Ready. Say it at the same time. It's time to bug out. Two. Three.

What are we saying? There might be a delay. Sorry. Hayes' room is just a cot and a bindle. And at any point, if he feels the heat coming around the corner, he tosses that bindle around his shoulder and slides out the window. Jumps on the next boxcar. It's got finger rings at the bindle, so I can slip it on.

It's like a bindle brass knuckle. Cotton bindle is just like a really nice home goods store it's a store could be it's a home goods store are you but isn't home good home goods is a store as well you know when people they love naming stores two words with an and in the middle yarn that is a restaurant thing, but I guess it is all... Tweed. I think it's all retail.

You're right. I got an idea for you. How about you play Major League Baseball? Ooh. Is this a pivot we can get behind? It's surprising, but it's also very popular. But could use an injection. People ask you, hey, Aubrey, why'd you decide to play major league baseball you were doing so well with your gold member movie this

would be post the release of gold member it would do well like why would you choose now and you go well you might have heard that ted williams is the last motherfucker to bat over 400 but not for long that's what yes that's what you do you hit for average utility infielder uh you just like slap it oppo at will you find the gaps uh but if you wanted to people like in bp you can absolutely like fucking yak it to the second deck if you wanted to you could do that every time that's not what you want it's not the goal it's not like yeah it's not for slugging percentage yeah it's just it's you know that i was on the very first um celebrity sluggers on the mlb network i don't even give a shit holy smokes okay that might hurt this idea so you already you already had a cup of

coffee that means you can't be that means you can't be wicked you just oh you just had a little sippy it was too hot too spicy it was too hot then you put it away and then by the time you i was a little thirsty oh you got thirsty we didn't realize well i think it hurts this idea I think the fact that you even had a little stip. My sturdy little self. Yeah, your sturdy stummy. I think your sturdy stummy having a stip with them in the past actually dilutes this and makes it feel like we're returning

to something old and I'm all about pressing forward. Sorry. We've talked about this before on the show do you know the um show succession yeah you know how they do like really unique swearing creative cursing you know about this yeah i don't remember can you give me an example well i can so what if you start swearing like they do on succession so like an interview would be like aubrey why did you choose this role and you would be like well you know hansel and fuckle really left all the breadcrumbs to the ginger fuck house this time like something like that and then people would

like it oh they'd be like this they would like it it would get awards no it would be like singled out as like one of the good things that you do. Can you think of... Is there a children's nursery rhyme or anything that you're more connected to that you would want to try to work in? Just changing one word. Fuckle still skin is like... You can do that every day of the week.

Fuck fuck goose. Rumbled foreskin. Fuck fuck goose. Did you say butt fuck week fuck fuck goose rumpled for scanning fuck fuck goose is it yes yeah did you say butt fuck butt fuck goose you just butt fuck goose or butt fuck this is pretty good loose oh well i think we need goose just mary had a little fuck yes perfect that's awesome i think maybe it would work if i only said this stuff to children epic sauce looks like mary had a little fuck and its fleece was white as shit and then it's like you're talking about someone doing something we all kind of know we go like oh okay i think this could be really powerful for you i love saying it yeah it felt i mean it it felt strong it felt really natural to me

uh how about wearing the jamiroquai hat haven't seen it in a while big furry top hat you're gonna have to describe that because i don't the jamiro hot one of those it's sort of like a cat in the hat hat like oh yeah but it's like long velvet it's plush you carry devil sticks oh i love devil sticks i would i would do that yeah i don't know i like you to be bad at them yeah we can't really have you be be good at the they just all all three of them somehow clattered to the floor i did do an entire press tour with a cane and um because i had torn my acl playing basketball i don't know if you remember that sean i do remember when that happened but i actually felt really powerful when i did that press tour. I went on the Ellen DeGeneres show, and she thought I was making fun of handicapped people or something. Oh, really?

Yeah. That must have gone well. It got cleared up easily. You did? Yeah. Austin City Limits fucking tore it up. Really? Did you get surgery?

Me and Marcus Mumford. He didn't get surgery, but he got a lot of shots. Do you have a cadaver tendon or did you take a piece from your ass? There's a piece of ass involved as well.

When this guy ripped up Austin City Limits. Just reached right and grabbed a piece of your your own ass is that what you did they took a piece of your ass and put it in your she went no honey i got a cadaver tendon sweetie oh you got that tendon wow i see i see dead tendon wow and so there's another little like person there who's controlling you, potentially. That's a good backstory for the little guy. Tripp and Dilly was... Yes.

Yes. Was like a piece of cadaver tendon that came to life or something. I don't know. I don't know how it connects yet. But I know it's good. Wow, and it's in your knee and it's having you kick people.

Mm-hmm. It's idle hands. It was an evil murdering man. Well, it's having you like kick people. It's idle hands. It was an evil murdering man. It's all idle hands. I mean, there are certain stories that humanity tells again and again. My legs are haunted. We revisit them. Get over it.

Haunted leg. Zombie leg. What if everyone is worried about you and they have to do a big intervention for you because you are smoking myrrh? I think I have. You're just taking huge rips of myrrh. She's ripping myrrh again. She's totally zooted off myrrh.

She's gone off that myrrh. And I just go barn hopping i'm only in barns and stables is that where they have mer i mean you would know yeah that's where they have mer that's where the baby jesus goes oh yeah that's right okay so you go to barns and stables and cry go to bards and stables and cry waiting to be delivered myrrh so you can be delivered like our lord jesus christ puff huge clouds of it and start walking on you're blowing myrrh rings into an interviewer's face yeah call me the mermaid is this a yes or no? The mermaid. That's what we're asking you. Yeah. Are you sold on this?

Rumpelstiltskin the mermaid. Yeah. Yes. Anything that has creatures, tails, has to do with seaweed, slime, caves. I'm in. Okay. Yeah. So my last one, you're not gonna like I guess

yeah I do know about that well it was just getting the words pumpkin spice latte tattooed on your palm no so it's like the message could be kind of like when someone's trying to talk to you yeah not before

I've had my I love pumpkins actually alright I'll do it. Somebody wants to give you a high five. Talk to the hand. Aubrey! Aubrey! Are you guys like... Don't!

Don't go into that Rumpelstiltskin cave! Why would she think that she could... Are you guys slowing down? Are you guys... I wasn't... Did I fuck up the internet connection? I think it's the person who moved. Yeah.

That would be my guess. No, you're right. It's probably our fault. Probably me who's been holding still. Did it get unstable? It did get somewhat unstable. All right, well, we're back. We're fine.

We're airing March 30th on Netflix. All right, we're good. We're good. Can can you hear me that's all that matters right no that's all we care about it's about to get a little unstable unstable all right well we're back we're back he's the dad he's the kid and the dad and kid are unstable. Friday nights. Wait, but it's on Netflix. Why are you saying? Just watch it when I want you to watch. Can you just watch it on Friday

so I can call you on Saturday when I have time to talk about it? Can you do that? Are you doing dad-son role-playing right now? No, it's for work. This is a work thing sorry we got to work uh a work call came up in the middle of oh sorry but no that's okay um i wonder kevin did you have anything that you wanted to talk to aubrey about i know you can't see our producer kevin kevin's

our producer he's probably been sending you more emails than he needs to. Can you go on cam, please? I can't. Sean has it. Do you want to come in and stand next to me? Can you join Sean in the room and come down and say, Hi, Kevin? Sure. Brett's going to have to come down and say,

Kevin, we actually have some company tonight. I'll come over. If you could just come down for one minute and stop playing on the computer. Just be polite and come say hi. If you could just say hi. Kevin, there are 14 people in this family, and you're the only one that has to make trouble.

Here's Kevin. What do I do for your sound? You've got it. I'll get some headphones. This fucking guy. Is he mad? Lean into frame, please. No, I'm scared.

Ah! Ah! Can you see me? Ah! Ah! I'm Kevin. Everybody feels that way when they first meet Kevin, but he's here to help.

The bad man is hurting me. Well, he has a lot of interesting ideas. Unfortunately, as disturbing as he is he has one of these beautiful minds that you hear about for for people who can't see he put on headphones leaned into one mic took off the headphones looked at a different mic put the same headphones back on and and now he's moving cords around. His arms are ginormous. Just yell so it's picked up on Sean's mic. He's got some big-ass wangs.

I'll yell, but... Well, hi, Aubrey, I'm Kevin. Don't interrupt him. He wrote it down. I wrote this down, so please don't interrupt me. It's important. Can you say my name again? Hi, Aubrey. I'm Kevin. There's Sean. You want him to call you Rumpelstiltskin? Call me Rumpelstiltskin.

What? Hi, Rumpelstiltskin. I'm Kevin. This is Sean, and I wrote you a suggested post for the main feed of your Instagram to promote this episode. On the grid. Gritty. Hitting the gritty.

Can't believe these bastards did it again. Well, guess my ass is back on Hollywood Handbook. You definitely got to subscribe to the Patreon to see this one. Not me specifically, but we went off on this episode. Talk soon, AP. this one not me specifically but we went off on this episode talk soon ap and now let me see what what kind of followers are we pushing around what are we pushing around town followers wise you're asking me to let's crunch the nums momos wow that could be That could actually be huge That could be huge for you Here's a picture of you and Jason Statham

Fuck off Aubrey Oh you've really done it this time Aubrey If I've ever wrote mine to Foyer all your biggest plans What do you think about that That looks like what he said That was pretty accurate I have a right mind to fire all your biggest plans. What do you think about that?

That looks like what he said. That was pretty accurate. All right, I'll do it. Whatever you want, Kevin. Yay! Whoa, Kevin's doing his job. Now you get a little treat, Kevin. I'm going to put a little treat in your big, giant arm. Kevin's thirsty for

his little stippy little stubby. He needs a stippy of a little Instagram post. I'm going to tickle you with my rosemary bush leaf branch. Thank you, Aubrey. And here's my pitch for you

for a thing you can do. Are you familiar with Idlewild, California? No. It's this cute little town a little outside of LA, kind of near Palm Springs. The mayor's a dog. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I know it. I know this.

And he mishandled COVID. I thought you were talking about Wildwood. Mayor Max was an embarrassment with his COVID response team. Sean is setting me up perfectly. I think you should cash all your chips on running a spirit campaign against Mayor Max. Mayor Max is a golden retriever. The dog mayor of Idlewild.

He literally has blood on his hands from his COVID response. Kevin? Max. I guess both, but... Technically. Kevin organized a massive Sonic screening. You want me to kill a dog? I don't want you to kill a dog.

I just don't think you should be the mayor. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I mean... I don't want animals to keep taking our jobs man yeah everyone's so concerned about robots it's like well they're a couple years away animals are doing it up now this has stumbled into speaking of code response and some of kevin having blood on his hands would you use your platform to talk about how sonic is the deadliest movie in human history and how it packed the theaters with families and children immediately before the entire country went into lockdown because of the spread of a deadly

virus. Posting all blue square on the grid. And if they hadn't stopped to redesign him. I'm posting a blue square today for sonic awareness. If they had just left his teeth where they were and not redesigned him and released him on time,

a lot of people would still be here celebrating with us. Yeah. It's food for thought. I think it could be... It's so interesting because they say they've got to go fast, but actually they deliberately slow-walked this movie so it would

kill the maximum number of people. They waited. You know who's behind all of this is Canadians. Okay. They waited. You know who's behind all of this is Canadians. Okay. Keep going. Yeah, speak on that. Yeah, we can keep going. They did it.

That's all I'm saying. The Canadians did it. Okay, thank you for clarifying. Yeah, I'm glad that we got the rest of the story. The Canadians did it, you said? They had something to do with it.

That's all I'm saying. I don't want to like get in. I don't want in i don't want to no no no you said a lot um jesus um fuck man i mean i'm kind of done like what else is there something you want to talk about aubrey i mean you came here so yeah you're the one who you invited me here for dinner you know what i want to talk about yeah yeah no i don't do you know the injustice that is happening to horseshoe crabs oh what stealing their blood people turning them upside down you know about their blood? Yeah, the blue blood. How do you know about this? Like Sonic. How do I know about it?

I stuck a straw in a fucking horseshoe crab. So you're part of the problem. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. I did it to help him. He had too much blood. Wrong. They only harvest blood of the females so you don't know what so you don't

know what you're talking about they harvest female horseshoe crab blood big pharmaceutical companies do this every goddamn year they go to her out here they go to the beaches in delaware which is where i'm from they take female horseshoe crabs by the thousands. They put them on a truck in the middle of the night. This is a true story. They load them up. They take them to Jersey. Women talking.

To a factory. They hook them up to machines. You can Google it right now. And they suck their blood out. Women be talking. They take 70% of their blood out, and then they put them back in the truck, drive them back down to Delaware,

where they were spawning on the beach, and throw them back in the ocean and pretend like it never fucking happened. This has been going on since 1975. And they think that they're not hurting the horseshoe crab population. They are. Horseshoe crabs are weakened by this, and slowly they're not hurting the horseshoe crab population. They are. Horseshoe crabs are weakened by this

and slowly they're going extinct. And they're considered an ancient living fossil. That's how old and wise horseshoe crabs are. This needs to stop. And we act like they have nothing to teach us. That we know everything

there is to know from our books. Oh, I couldn't learn from a horseshoe crab just because it's like a weird like spider with a shell yeah actually there's a modern religion the ipad oh the ipad is like it teaches me everything i need to know i don't need to learn anything from right you think that technology is something go google horseshoe crab blood you'll it'll blow your fucking mind it's blue blood it's futuristic kind of hayes knows something about blue blood like sonic i thought it was weird that in the original sonic design they were like okay i guess his teeth need to

be changed and like does it bother you that his like blood is red like a human so it's like well we didn't even see that yeah i didn't know why that came up. But I guess they were like, we'll make it blue. It's like, okay. I guess because they want him to get shot. I guess he was going to get shot at one point. And then it just made so much fucking money

killing people. By Jim Carrey? Yes. Yeah, Dr. Robotnik was going to end up shooting. His name was originally Dr. Roshutnik. I have another pitch for Aubrey. Oh, God. Aubrey, are you familiar with infrared saunas?

Yeah. This might be up your alley. No. Infra-dead saunas? Yeah. This might be up your alley. No. Infrared saunas. It's a sauna for zombies. I hate your teeth. That's tough. That's okay.

That's going to be tough to carry. So I guess we didn't... He needed it. I think ultimately he'll emerge from this a little better. No, it's definitely going to be helpful. People, instead of going in to get rid of toxins, they just go in to die? Yes. That's a great idea.

Infra-dead sauna. So it's a sauna. Well, this is a horror movie idea. We could get A24, Infra-dead sauna, starring Aubrey and the former mayor of Idlewild. We could get A24, Infra Dead Sauna, starring Aubrey, and the former mayor of Idlewild, Mayor Max.

Mm-hmm. Zombie dog. The only dog survive? Zombie dog at a death spa. Who says no? Sounds racist to me. Infra Dead Sauna, look at that. Oh, Haze is just looking it up. Does it really burn fat?

Yes. No. It says yes. No, Aubrey, listen to him. Studies show that an infrared sauna session can burn up to 600 calories. And you can do it every day. Wow. And it burns belly fat plays heavily into the pilot of unstable so so the horseshoe crab so um what if you marketed a tummy tea but just because it like it because it goes in your tummy uh Uh-huh. Well, should be a stummy.

Stummy tea. Should be a little stummy tea. Oh, I'm thirsty. Stummy tea. I want to market for babies. Tummy tea for babies. Tummy tea for babies. Mm-hmm. They've been drinking too much milk.

These babies look like shit. Yeah, the babies are too fat. You just have milk all the time. You need to take them into the infrared sauna. Their bellies are all globular. Yeah. They stick out like that. It's all these chunky ass babies not drinking any fucking tummy tea.

Beauty starts... Now. At conception. Infrared sauna for children. When using your sauna with a child, Now at conception. Infrared sauna for children. When using your sauna with a child, lower temperature and for no more than 15 minutes at a time. Okay,

great. Easy. I can do that. Easy. Yeah. Then just send them outside and do what I want. One session with my child and then one for me. I'm not going to fucking shave off the numbers of my sauna routine for some brat.

And so you'll talk to A24 for us? Yeah, you'll call them up. Yeah, I'm going to email Noah Sacco right now. And what's that email? I got to send him some images, I think. Mm-hmm. Yeah, like a lookbook, kind of a sizzle. Mm-hmm, a sizzle book. Like a look book. Kind of a sizzle. Dog Meredith Death Spa. I used to actually be a massage

therapist so I could be good casting. If I'm like the zombie spa employee. Oh so you want to be in it? No I'm just saying like it just like might be a little helpful to the budget if we need like a zombie spa employee and we have somebody who's pretty believable in that role um i'm trying to be helpful i'm not

asking for something i'm doing you a favor you can't do one for me i don't need anything and kevin doesn't even get a story by kevin what credit do you want special thanks i want the first credit to be special thanks to me are you crying we are winding down sorry i just want to make sure we have time um for the for our last segment which is putting our dad's driver's license on camera do we all we all everybody bring your dad's driver's license I know I see Tom is everyone ready to put so we always close the show

by putting our dad's driver's license okay so you're putting your dad's driver's license up but you said that you aren't going to be on camera today so you realize that no one is going to be able to see your dad's driver's license yep here it goes check it out

wow he is license yep here it goes check it out wow all right actually is i wonder if i do have something let's see all right oh all right it's me aubrey's dad that's me Aubrey and Aubrey's dad Me all life Bruce Master Wayne Master Plaza Me daughter's Master Wayne Me daughter's name

Is Aubrey Master Plaza Talk about Talk about walking with a cane Remember? Bye!