Hollywood Handbook - Bess Kalb, Our Zoom Show Friend

Episode Date: April 7, 2020

BESS KALB helps The Boys make Zoom versions of TV shows. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so it was me it was janet you said janet sorry the song is a little janet reno and tyler durden and we were having it was me janet reno and tyler durden uh from Durden and we were having it was me Janet Reno and Tyler Durden from Fight Club and we were having Tyler Durden from Fight Club. Okay. Yes. Now I'm starting to thank you for specifying

Tyler John Durden. You are not your fucking genes and let's talk about and I know best is going to want to get it here as someone who I know Bess is going to want to get in here as someone who, I know you just wrote a book, Bess, and we will get into this in more detail. But I know you were considering now writing the Dirt and and philosophy book like translating it into like philosophy that people can understand

that's right Hayes I see myself I want to write sort of the Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance of like Fight Club imaginary schizophrenic projection the Dow of dirt and the Dow of dirt in yeah the four hour dirt in and now

Sean please by all means continue I just knew the best would want to talk about book and she loves Tyler Durden anytime you want to stop down to introduce best like and have her chime in please do because in my opinion she's simply the best

oh my god can I write I'm gonna write that down please write that down. Please write it down. Not now. Don't do it now. Don't do it now. No, obviously not now because the mic will pick up the scratching of the pen.

That's right. You write really hard. This is not meant to be offensive, but you write extremely hard. You grab the pen with both hands. Yeah, I'm a scrawler. You sort of put your whole body into it. Well, I come from a whittling background,

and so I apply that to the page. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I was very whittled once, too. Sort of process. Oh. It's cute to think of. So Tyler and Janet and I were having a smoothie contest,

and we said, let's go to the smoothies. I got my smoothie ticket, and we were making smoothies with, um, anything you could find. It was quarantine edition. So it was just what's in the house. Pasta. Pasta.

Okay. All dry pasta that goes in this movie. Okay. That's a smoothie now. Um, uh, a can of, um, pork.

Okay. That's movie. Okay. What's else in here? Apple juice. Okay, that's smoothie. Okay, what's else in here? Apple juice. Okay, that's smoothie. And we're having a contest. Sorry, I just love the feeling you have all these unlabeled cans, you know, and your

pantry is just full of cans where the labels have peeled off. And every single time it's like a little game and the feeling when you open it up and it is pork oh yes well i had obviously i haze and i both um were a little bit older and when we were growing up we had these things called key parties that were so fun where you would enter the house you would throw your keys in a bowl, and then someone would take the keys on the way out and you would have sex with that person no matter who or what. And so I missed that feeling. And the way for me to recapture it in a fun,

adult, responsible way was to take all the labels off all of my food and whatever can I open or box i just i have to eat it okay and oh and often have sex with it but you know like that's sort of a thing of the past and in the you know it's been like a month since we've been able to do that obviously it's been really difficult and transitioning out of it there was i was so depressed i fell into a really dark depression for almost a whole day and this can was something that my therapist um you may know him engineer sam uh sam keifer is one of the earwolf engineers but he's um he's my therapist uh and he recommended this can treatment uh and it has been a whole new world for me

the sun came out again the sun finally came out again for me it had been cloudy because i missed the key party and the cans were the sun it's daytime now it's bright and now i can't sleep daytime all the time like insomnia the movie yeah this movie this movie um best can i say something to you please if you let me say something just for one second that it's welcome to hollywood handbook and the show is an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz that is what the show is called and about do you know the show i do know this do i know the show i i live i live by the show and that's how you know that somebody is sincere

is when they respond with repeating the question back to you. They say the question again. They take a beat. Listen, the Holly Weird Ham book is what I call it. Thank you. I feel like real ham heads here will be saying this along with me. But I love your guys' slogan. Can I pause for just a second and say,

and this is totally genuine, and I have to apologize to everyone, I have not been recording at all. Kevin, do you have the backup? I have the backup, so if you want to start. I do too. So let's do this. Now, let's pretend, okay, we're still recording. We let's do this. Now let's pretend. Okay.

We have, we're still recording. We've been recording everything. Let's just say, Sean, talk about how you were like, something was physically wrong with you and your voice was because you were sick.

We cannot do this. And I know Kevin, Kevin is not normally the engineer and this will reflect very badly. Or we could actually just blame it on Kevin. So those are your choices. I would prefer to say that I have now taken my medicine. Okay, let's do it. We started recording a little earlier than usual.

I am not allowed to take my medicine before 1024. It's 1025 now. I am not allowed to take my medicine before 1024. It's 1025 now. I'm feeling better. My throat feels better. Obviously, I probably sounded pretty insane to some of the listeners earlier through the whole smoothie story. Which, by the way, I had smoothie in my throat still. Pork and pasta smoothie. Oh, wow. That's really medicine is smoothie removal medicine. smoothie story which by the way I had smoothie in my throat still pork and pasta smoothie

that's really medicine is smoothie removal medicine the medicine is really a sip of water was it canned water the feeling when you open the can because I've been looking for old water

it was and I got lucky with the can that I opened that it had water in it because whatever it was, otherwise I would have to drink it. That's right. And I have one can of poison in there. I hope that it doesn't happen, but I've made a promise to myself and a man can break a promise to anyone except himself. When he does, he disappears. Is that true of a woman as well, Beth? Can you shed light on that? No, it's almost exactly the same. It's a woman can break a promise to anyone except herself. Except herself.

Okay. And when she breaks the promise to herself, instead of disappearing, that woman, she grows wings, guys. She grows wings. And that's how angels are made. Wow. I know. I know. How did this angels get made? That's's on this you can check out my podcast

how did this angel get made um which is on um kitty i saw kitty kitty cat i saw a kitty cat okay i gotta tell you something i gotta tell you something for the for for for the people uh on on zoom uh there are two kitty cats here there's one one. That's Engineer. I'm going to protect his name. That's Engineer Cat. That and so responsible of you to not... Yeah, no, he didn't ask to be in show business. His mother is, but it's just like

I don't know. I just want to respect his privacy and he shouldn't be responsible for the choices I made. Must protect. Must protect. That's I made. Must protect. Must protect. That's my tattoo. Beautiful instinct. Thank you.

And we're all showing Kitty Cat. Kitty Cat. There's a little cat king. All their tails are tied together. Netflix is the cat king. Like Tiger King. Topical is important. Can you see mine outside the other window? Netflix is the cat king. Like Tiger King. Topical is important.

Can you see mine outside the other window? Give me one second. See him? Yes. Very gorgeous. Hello. Hey. Kitty cat.

Kitty cat. But that's not what we're gonna talk about although you bringing up cat king on netflix does make me think of tiger king which i have to say i cannot wait for the absolutely horrible movie they will make out of that documentary series i hope they make a really serious movie about it just a truly terrible movie it will be equivalent to me what the closest thing i can think of is when they tried to make a Jerry Springer movie. Who was Jerry Springer?

Jerry. Oh, he was himself playing himself. And Ringmaster. He played himself. Ringmaster. I remember that now. And it was like, you can't make this a movie. No. Although I can see Matthew McConaughey getting lost in that role just getting

lost in it i can see people getting excited for the trailer and then no one talking about what the actual film is yeah kevin how's the sound you think you're doing a good job it sounds so good over here kevin's the man only engineer today and he he's been really overcompensating. Before the show, he was like, hey, can you make sure that your sound is on exactly 44 kilohertz? Because if it's 48, it has to be 48, because if it's 44, it really hurts my ears. The difference, I'm very sensitive,

and it actually is making me sick. This is not my voice at all kevin had me pitch it down i'm i'm i'm up he i'm i'm i can't do it because kevin will he'll melt down he's so nasty he sends me like sometimes when i send him the file he'll say listening now and then he'll send back a video of himself just clutching his ears curled up on the floor rolling around writhing in agony and then he'll be like just checking was this on 44 kevin is this when is this coming out this tuesday tuesday yeah do you want to brag a little bit about your triumphant month hey here's the thing this is what happened best we had Kevin likes has this little

you know how certain animals like present yes Kevin has this like hormonal display he likes to do every year where he books very famous people onto the show for a month and then he essentially goes dormant into hibernation for the other 11 months of the year.

It takes so much out of him that he's just in pure recovery mode. Yes. And that's why I'm here. Beth Klarb. And then Kevin, he laps up. he gets all these little compliments online because like they say that he got like tony hawk as a guest and stuff and everyone's like kevin don't miss kevin is on one nice that are all our young fans say uh he never reveals the fact that there is a separate talent booker for the show that never

comes up it's always it's always like Kevin's parade all the work yeah but yeah but you know respond you respond to some comments online but you'd never respond to the compliments there for you alone you know

I am doing work like CEOs at companies like they're working too it's just like other employees are also working talk about that sure um not you best talk about what you think thank you so much um um no i do want to hear more about that kevin okay go ahead okay so like companies have these big bosses right and they're doing work and then sometimes other people at the company they're also working but if like you have an issue with your Amazon package, you'll probably like Jeff Bezos and then talk to him. But other people are working there too. So I guess in this scenario, I'm kind of like the boss, but other people are doing the work as well.

Your hair looks like a hat today. It looks more like a hat than usual shower status shower status last night nice let me see the back of the head oh no yeah all fucked up oh no are you a back sleeper kevin i'm a belly sleeper. He sleeps face down face directly at the pillow. He has a hole in his mattress for his head to go into. You sleep on a massage table. Yeah.

In the hallway. I sleep on the hallway massage table. Bess? Mm-hmm. I mean, a book? This is like... I can't even believe it. I can't even believe it i can't even believe it this came out of me now more than ever and there it is here it is i'm going to show you my book here it is wow got a cinnamon roll on the cover it's actually you can it's a scratch and sniff

book i'm smelling it now it smells like heaven heaven. Cinnamon. It is. It's, which is product placement. The publisher is. Heaven for heaven. For heaven. For heaven. It's in the heaven is for real-iverse. Uh-huh. And so what you'll see when you read this is a 100% fact base.

It kind of is, actually. It's told from beyond the grave. Oh, cool. But I would market this book. I'm going to go rogue here. There are people at the publishing house who don't want me to say that this book is the unofficial sequel

to Heaven is for Real. It's proof about heaven. It's proof there's heaven. It's proof there's heaven. This book also is... Is it true that it immunizes you against coronavirus? The COVID-19, yes. Thank you so much.

I know your publisher didn't want you to reveal that. No, they don't. It's just purchasing it, right? It means that you can't catch anything? Just even online. just purchasing it online. It means you'll live forever and never die of anything. So that is what's so interesting is that the book provides certain proof of heaven. And yet at the same time, guarantees that you will never see it.

I know. So it's this real catch 22. It's sort of a God tease. So it's this real catch 22. It's this, it's, it's sort of a God tease. Um,

you know, you, you, you see that eternal paradise is, and again, this a hundred percent fact base, um, based on my visions. Um,

uh, it is real, but just the, it's like a Greek myth. It's like you buy it and then you can't go there. So I'd say buy it at your own risk, uh, but not at your own peril.

Your cat is very busy. My cat is my engineer. He's doing a really good job. He actually thinks that he has landed. It's too early to say this, but he thinks that he's landed Tony Hawk as. Oh, wow. Okay.

Sloppies. He did it or the booker did it. This is our booker. Other cat. Oh, the other cat. Other cat. Other cat. One cat's the engineer.

One cat's the booker. We have fun. Oh, my God. That's so funny. The two cats have different jobs. They have jobs. Like, people. They're in a union.

Cats are, like, working their jobs. I know. I know. Think about in a union. Cats are like working their jobs. I know. I know. Think about it, guys. Think about it. You guys. Think about it. They're sitting on a train.

I'm looking at my cats and thinking about jobs. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. They sit on the commuter rail and they sit down like people. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. All my cats are sitting on a steel beam eating out of lunch pails together. Guys, one All my cats are sitting on a steel beam, eating out of lunch pills together. Guys, one of my cats is a scab. Oh no.

Oh my God. Your cat crossed the picket line. My cat's a rat. And the other cat hissed at him. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is a show. I hate to say this,

but is this a show? Well, we should talk about shows. We have a lot of show. We have to do a lot of show there um so this is so amazing it's like so it's just such a great segue to cats do these zoomies and we love talking about this right they zoom around and we are of course doing zoomies as well and we are doing a zoo right now and this is a new normal. Okay. This is the way we live

now. Yes. I like it when people say the before times. I think that's clever. I think that's cool. I think that's fresh. And this is of course this time in history will primarily be understood as

an endless source of comedy. Every product of what is going on right now is for us to go and watch and think about later and be so happy and laugh. I'm hearing reports from

ICUs that they're calling it the ha-ha virus. Yes. I'm getting those reports right now as well i'm getting that's why that's that's my headphone oh your headphone is not your headphone is coming through it's a police scanner yes i'm getting it and i'm getting the live feed and it's almost hard to make out the words because of the deep belly laughs that are interrupting in between and it's them just remembering some funny things about the sickness

that has taken over the world. And it's a space for constant innovation. And it's sort of, not only has it given us a ton of material, it's given us a new way to look at communication and workplaces right yeah relationships virtual horniness sex fucking horniness horny fucking sex busting off finishing starting it all over again and all of that happens now online yeah on this

happens now online. Yeah. On this doing a Zoom. On a Zoom. And so we're imagining this. We're imagining all of our... You watch the TV now and the characters do not understand what they are supposed to be doing now

in this new normal and the way we live now. So we say, we take these characters, we make sure they are old and gross looking now, but we put them in these new, in a Zoom, all the shows now are doing a Zoom. Zoom shows.

Do all the old shows, now they're doing a Zoom. Every show you've ever seen, people had been rebooting and trying to come up with new ways to do some of these old shows because we're out of ideas. And the real new way to do it is just Zoom it. Just Zoom it already. Zoom curb me. Give me Zoom of cards.

Do you see what I'm saying? Hemlock Zoom Grove. Lilla Zoomer. You know, give me these shows, these iconic shows that we all regard as absolute classics. And hit me with some Orange is the New Zoom already. and hit me with some oranges the new zoom already because that's the type of shit that gets me cranked up and freaks my damn bean kyle x y zoom edition we bought a zoom and that was a movie. That's a movie.

But I think we could do a whole show out of it. I like Game of Zooms. And what's that from? Game of Zooms from HB Zooms, Zoom of Thrones. And I think, yeah, I think that'd be good. Game of Zooms is based on Zoom of Thrones. Game of Zooms is Spike TV's

hosted by Game of Zooms is on Spike TV it's hosted by Nick Cannon oh wow it's pretty good it's actually pretty good okay so I thought so it's not Game of Zooms you're talking about Ellen DeGeneres DeGeneres is Zoom of Zooms Zoom of Zooms

yes that's right Generous is Zoom of Zooms. Zoom of Zooms. Zoom of Zooms. Yes. That's right. Yeah, that's where my mind goes. Yeah. It swept the golden Zooms. It did. Okay, so obviously we're already finding that this is essentially limitless

in terms of the sandbox that we're able to play in here. And so basically the assignment from the studio is to Kevin, you just give us what show we're supposed to be doing and we Zoomify it. We break the cold open for every Zoom show. And then we kind of put it in the hands of some hack scribe to kind of carry it off and deliver to the public. But we're just going to kind of kick it off, give people a bit of a running start. It's like when I would push you into the wave, Kevin, when I brought you up for surfing instruction. Yeah.

The first note I have here is for the outsider okay well that's not really a show so much as a limited series it was like an event um do you want me to do you want to know what like what a show is i mean i'll tell you right now it's it's now going to be called the insider because he's not allowed outside anymore yeah okay the the next one i have here is for uh survivor wow yeah that one is of course called insider as well uh-huh all of these are, yeah, are called Insider, colon. Most of the shows are called Insider. Insider Survivor Edition, Insider Outsider Edition.

That's right. Outlander Insider. Inside Edition, Inside Edition. That's right. Okay, so Survivor, do we do this? We could, yeah. Survivor is a classic scripted show. Is Survivor Guild?

Oh, yeah. The shows have to be Guild. Because if this isn't Guild, there's so much tension right now with unions and the... I don't want to be a scab and start writing for non-scripted. It is interesting that Kevin got

too wrong. Yeah. Does Curb Your Enthusiasm count as scripted? I always think they're just making it up on the spot. Well, and that's been a bit of a battle with the Guild as well, but I do think that there's enough of a story-breaking process and enough

of a universal language there that we could probably do a curb spec zoom edition. The insider curb edition zoom style. Did you guys I mean, Hayes, you always have such a great take on Larry's world. Yeah. I mean, I've been actually doing research on this in the form of uh an email that my dad sent me this morning uh let me pull this up right now okay it is copy and pasted from a new york times article uh and it reads cheryl hines who plays his ex-wife on curb observed. I'll bet Larry's in heaven.

He's been trying to social distance for years. And it's an article basically about how like Larry David loves being inside because of coronavirus. So, so that is a great. So at first he loves it. Right. But if I know Larry, yeahry yeah he's gonna get in the

hot water and what i'm thinking is this is just a jumping off point might be the pitch that gets us to the pitch doesn't have to be the pitch necessarily yeah but my initial pitch is larry has bad zoom etiquette he keeps leaving meetings before they're ended by the host so he's exiting the zoom and it starts to go around. People are going like, you know, Larry. I heard your some term, you know. That's right. An Osta, a Zoomsta.

Okay. That's very obvious, of course, what you're saying. That's a bad example of it. Again, maybe that's just like, that's the kernel of it. That's the kernel, yes. That's the kernel of it.

But I think Zoomsta, you want something that, if I know Curb, and I think i do pretty well i've seen um almost three episodes i've seen every episode i'm jewish but um it really has to roll off the tongue who did you did you remember when i was on it who did you play i played um i was an usher at a funeral uh and he bribed me to hold his seat. And someone sits in his seat, and he wants his bribe back.

And I am like, you know, not exactly trying to give this guy his bribe back. It's an iconic moment. Yeah. The character. That's the pants tent of... Yeah, that's... The character in the show doesn't necessarily have a name,

but Sean, I know you, as part of your preparation, did give your character a name and like a little bit of a... Some backstory? Yeah, a little bit of a story. Sebastian. Where... Sorry if this is a rude question but where is sebastian

from sebastian is from the bahamas uh his name was sebastian saint bonaventure and he was born on the islands and that was a little bit of where the confusion between he and Larry even came in was he was used to a more relaxed island way of life. Now, of course, Manhattan's an island, as people will remind you, but the culture is a little different there. And Larry, I think, is used to a faster pace and a little more organization. So that, yeah, that was sebastian's um disconnect and he had he had a really interesting life sebastian saint bonaventure uh i don't want to necessarily distract us from doing the zoom versions of the show but he was um he was born on a in a during a trapeze show he shot out of the woman doing a flip on a trapeze and landed on the like safety net below oh he was not caught by oh okay okay so that was a mistake yeah yeah and then he was

raised by uh some of the clowns and animals that were uh down there because he's so far away from his mom who's up. She's way up. On the trapeze. She never got down. Yeah. She would shoot like milk down at him. Did she shoot siblings down? Did he ever get a friend to

a brother? No. Just one brother? No. Just one baby. No. His brothers and friends were the elephants and rhinos and clowns and freaks. You don't see a lot of rhinos. You would call them freaks, but they were actually really

beautiful, wonderful people. And so that was why he didn't actually carry a lot of judgment about people because of that background. Rhinos are actually like, uh, like they make amazing circus animals. They are smarter than people.

Uh, they have memories that last forever. Uh, and, uh, they're so funny. They're like very dry. It's why I'll never eat a rhino

or a pig. I've stopped. Yeah, I won't. I do like a Mondays thing. Mondays I don't. Right. I will not eat any rhino. It's a hornless Monday. Yeah.

So, Suszy's pissed obviously because larry is leaving the meetings too early we do still have to figure out exactly what the term is i do feel like i feel like we have it and we can move on from that i don't know there was some consensus zoomsta zoomstilla zoomsta i don't know i feel like everybody was kind of saying that's such a good idea. That's right. I forgot. I remember we all laughed at Zoomstila Zoomsta. Like somebody was like that's it.

There was a lot of laughing. I'm paraphrasing I think. I don't remember exactly. I forgot about that. That was good. So Susie's like Larry, you're leaving? You just leave the meeting? Did you leave my fucking meeting before I entered as the host? Larry David, you're leaving. Like, you just leave the meeting. She goes, you just leave my fucking meeting before I enter it as the Larry David. You sick fuck.

You zoom out of here. That's good. He's like, the meeting's over. You can't zoom in and quit it. I'm still I'm still trying to beat it. I'm still trying to beat Zoom. Still a Zoom student, though. I know you can't drop it.

I was done with the meeting. I was done with the meeting. I don't. Yeah, I don't. You know, I don't need to wait for you to hang up the phone for trying to beat zoom still a zoom statement though i know you can't have it it's putting a hat on the hat i was done with the meeting i don't yeah i don't i you know i don't need to wait for you to hang up the phone for me to get a phone call she's like it's not a phone call larry it's a zoom yeah and so that like he's in big trouble with everybody and then uh maybe people start pretending they can't hear him okay well he can be muted by the host suzy can actually choose to mute him for the rest of the group yeah but you can but you can see that right but i and so i think what's here's what suzy would do if i could just crawl inside suzy's mind for a second and you have to as a writer suzy would not give him the satisfaction of knowing that this was being done to him suzy's just on the other end of the zoom being like i can't larry we can't we can't hear you larry he's like what are you about my signal my internet is

perfect the guy was just here today sorry la can't hear you and then him saying the guy was here today they're like the guy shouldn't have been there you had a guy you had a guy

in your house the guy he has a guy Jeff you had a guy Larry Larry of course you did you would have a guy

of course you had a guy yeah Larry I don't know what to tell you you can't have a you You would have a guy. Of course you had a guy. Larry, I don't know what to tell you. You can't have a guy in your house. It's quarantine. Yeah. Now he goes out to another house. I would say Jeff probably would fake symptoms of coronavirus

to self-isolate away from Susie. From Susie. If I'm just getting into there my lungs yeah so that he can hold a relationship with a webcam girl that's right and like a hotel room that's right he's coughing

yeah I would say the episode could be called cam girl yeah and then of course he like you know like two weeks passed and so like obviously he's supposed to be over it by now and then he does get it for real oh no he meets up with this cam girl in real life yeah he meets up with her he gets coronavirus from her she has it that he goes home to suzy good yeah really good and then suzy loses her suzy loses her voice yeah and then larry and then the final scene is larry getting to pretend that he can't

hear yeah i can't hear you yes yes yes it's a little win for him and also so here's what else happens suzy loses her voice, which makes Jeff fall in love with her all over again. It's a little, it's a classic little mermaid is what they call that in writers rooms. Yes, but now he's like he's he can't like he's betrayed her. He can't have her. They

get divorced in quarantine. Yes. It's good. We do the tape down the middle of the room. Yeah, like the breakup. Susie's got all the masks on her side of the house. Yeah. He's not allowed over there.

It's like a real O'Henry gift of the... She has the masks, but he has the cough. That she wants to get to. She wants to get to. Yeah. Desperately. I sold my cough to get to. She wants to get to. Yeah. Desperately. I sold my cough to get your masks.

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Like, this is the meal. The meal has to be ready. It's not a recipe. Okay? This is the meal. You cook the full meal for us now, Kevin. Yeah. You don't just send us a bunch of stuff you had laying around in your cabinet. You're actually doing the

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all day long. How many add-ons? And what are some of them? It's one big add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal the promises the meal makes us sleepy you've been pushing that so much you're saying that you will be added on to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to do it's supposed to help you stay fueled up I know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that

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the scourge of our modern life. And you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged. I know that I was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie, 27 dresses before I found out how much it was costing that they intended to send me, by the way, you'll, this will shock you 54 dresses if i did not cancel and i you know oh that one's got an end point by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a

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was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood handbook. Kevin, what's another one? What about Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Almost too crazy to even imagine that is almost too crazy to even imagine what are those guys just gonna solve like a grizzly uh a grizzly rape burner

they're not doesn't seem like they're really doing their jobs right we have these things are these crimes are happening and we're never seeing them deal with it at all and they're just a bunch of goof around guys yeah i hate to use that term that it's always like a bunch of pickles spilled on the sidewalk yeah it's somebody's like stealing shipments of beanie babies illegally from the warehouse. Right. And, you know, and one of the cops is like, has a microwave at their desk they're not supposed to or something. And that's the problem. People are being fucking rape murdered.

People are being grisly rape murdered left and right. It's New York, okay? It's Brooklyn for that matter. and right it's new york okay it's brooklyn it's brooklyn it's the 99th precinct of the most dangerous borough in in the world in the world so this this version of the show obviously would be called brooklyn in all caps dash one nine i have a little bit of a joke like a little bit of a joke that the most dangerous borough in the world is actually shrek's friend donkey because he'll make you bust up so hard milk shoots out your nose that's about as dangerous as it gets especially when you're on your laptop doing a zoom that's right oh don't get behind him don't get behind him he'll buck okay shrek. He'll buck. Okay. Shrek and Donkey doing Zoom.

Oh, wait. Shrek as a Zoom. The insider Shrek edition. Shrek 4. Shrek 4. Oh, my God. So funny. Shrek's head is too big.

Donkey's telling Shrek that he has to basically back up to the other side of the room. Shrek 4 and team. Shrek 4 and T Shrek 4 and T that's so funny Fiona keeps walking in on the zoom Fiona virus the Fiona virus

that's what he calls her that's what he calls her fuck dude we can't do movies because we don't we haven't had that We can't do movies because we haven't had that assignment yet. No, no, no. That's coming, but we haven't had that assignment yet. Yeah. So, sorry, Hayes.

I interrupted with my donkey joke. You were saying it's Brooklyn 1... It's Brooklyn in all caps, dash one nine, is what this version of the show is called. And Peralta's there. Peralta is basically told, I think, in the first episode that the normal way he behaves is no longer even remotely acceptable under these circumstances,

just to set up for the viewer that the person they knew no longer exists basically and he responds basically being like I totally agree that I can't like I cannot justify I don't remember why I was acting like that but like suffice it to say

that's over now this is his new normal this is his new normal no more pranks we keep saying the new normal should we do we want to do the new normal as well because that show had a lot of quick pops as i recall and little cutaways yeah i'm not sure how to handle that on Zoom. Right. But maybe gallery mode? Gallery mode.

Gallery mode? It quick pops. It cuts away to gallery mode. Rannells and Bartha. I've not seen the new normal, but boy, am I going to Google it. it yeah we're all it was it was a dollar it was paired with go on it was a rock block with go on uh and it was ryan murphy created it no yes his first sitcom and it was rannells and bartha wealthy gay couple brian and david living in los angeles

decide to have a child they choose a surrogate mother goldie clemens played by georgia king who moves into their home with her nine-year-old daughter shania this is and that was how people were living at the time it was very this was like a relate this is like something that was happening at that point that was now the new normal almost every house you walk by if you actually peered in through the window was a wealthy gay couple a surrogate mother and a nine-year-old child named named after a 90s country pop singer. So you had your Faiths,

you had your Shania's. Yes. You had your Leanne's. Leanne's. There must be probably four more, right? We got three. We got Faith, we got Shania, Leanne. We got three.

Surely there's... Cheryl. Cheryl. Cheryl Cheryl yeah Gwen she's my country oh my she could be a little bit country

okay what's another show Kevin come on Dave Dave Dave sorry the show sorry the show Dave yeah the little show

going hard on Jeff Schaefer properties yeah what's that about Kevin you want to do the league next Kev the league would be good too could you imagine you want to do bru league next, Kev? The league would be good, too. Could you imagine? You want to do Bruise Brothers next, Kev?

I would never. Okay, so Dave, Dave, Dave, he's doing rapping. He's rapping his ass off. He's rapping online. He's going viral rapping. He believes in himself. He's talking about his dick. He's online. He is his dick. He's coming out of his own zipper. He'll grow on you. All I know about Dave is the bus ad that I would see in Before the New Normal Times. And it was a, which is what I call them. And it was a man coming out of his own zipper, out of his own underwear, underpants.

I believe that's what I said. Yeah. But no, just to clarify. Contextualize. Just to say exactly what you said. Yeah. you said word for word yes that's what it was and this is happening to me a bit lately so he is something with my internet yeah you've got to get to gallery mode is what I keep saying. Yeah. I'm about to. Make the leap. I'm going gallery mode.

I just went straight gallery on my ass. So he is his own ding dong. He's climbing out of his underwear. It's about a man who lives inside his own underwear. And he can't. He's not allowed to leave his underwear underwear. It's about a man who lives inside his own underwear. And he can't. He's not allowed to leave his underwear anymore. That's right.

That's right. The CDC came and sewed up the little flat in the underpants, in the boxer shorts. And so now he is stuck in there. And he does have Zoom, of course. And he wants to do a big rap show. He wants to do his underwear. One of these online, one of these big. So I love this now where like people doing comedy shows and rap shows online. To me, this is sustainable ah it's better it's so much better

because it comes right to my home yes i think the energy you get from somebody talking directly into their screen in a room alone is palpable it's like it's. It's a shame front-facing camera comedy had taken off prior to this. Because we would be in a renaissance rather than witnessing the death throes of a movement that is actually appropriate only for the time we currently live in the um new normal after the before times i mean that reminds me of like the really the only way i think we're

gonna get out of this recession is a cameo tax yeah like basically i think we're gonna have to do like a 75 tax on cameo receipts because of the huge surplus in this market right this is like the only untapped source of extreme wealth that that we have right now patreon too i think unfortunately yeah uh i'm aware that uh i'm gonna be taking the big we all have to do our part yeah look it's it's just one of those things where it's supply and demand yeah it's the right thing it's definitely the right thing to sort of take take money out of the pockets of anyone providing any kind of entertainment during these times. Yes. In $30 to $100 increments. People who are paid in $30 to $100 increments in all cash should be the people hit the hardest by this moment. by the government

by the feds by the feds who's gotta step up by this congress and start putting their money where their mouth is and where their mouth is

is gobbling up all the money from these greedy cameo pigs who get paid sometimes $15, sometimes, like you said, like $80.

Unthinkable. To be making $80 when there are people who, there are people who are not doing front-facing content. It's just, it's greedy. It's, those are, you're being a vulture. Yeah. A culture vulture. Yes, you're being vulture. You're being the New York

New York Magazine. New York Magazine. You're being a vertical. Yeah, you're being a Vox Media property. You're reporting on the staffs of writing rooms. You are. Is what you're doing. Yeah. You're writing an article saying who works for a late night show. That are. Is what you're doing. Yeah. You're writing an article saying who works for a late night show.

That's an article to you. Not this gal anymore. But enough about that. Okay, best. Nobody wants to talk about that. Honestly, that's guild stuff and I shouldn't bring the guild into this.

Nobody wants to talk about that. That's guild. A lot of people are writing in. A lot of people are writing in into this. Nobody wants to talk about that. That's guild. A lot of people are writing in a lot of people are writing in right now who just want to talk about that. Who just want to write about the vulture beat. Yeah, we're getting those inquiries as well. That's coming through my

headphones right now too. I'm getting that feed. Hollywood handbook. Well, there's a reason they call me the March maniac. I get maniacal around this time of Hollywood Handbook. Well, there's a reason they call me the March Maniac. I get maniacal around this time of year because March Mania is happening in DraftKings Sportsbook. One of America's top-rated sportsbook apps is giving new customers and maniacs like me a shot to turn $5 into $150 instantly in bonus bets with any college basketball bet.

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I said Harry's. We always talk about Harry's first, and then we talk about you, Clean Harry, who are sort of our new mask guy, I don't know, for this campaign. Talk about Harry's first. What we want to talk about is something funny that happened to you recently. A ridiculous or fun situation that you were in recently.

That's the prompt, and that'll take us into discussing the product particularly the product funny to me or funny to just anyone i i mean do you you feel like there's a difference there like you yeah i mean i've had things happen to me that i suppose you would find funny okay but that you didn't find funny and and you have not really and you have things that have happened that you would find funny but the rest of the world would not yeah i guess i'm interested in that one that i would find funny yes but that others would not find funny you seem to think that you have a specific taste when it comes to what's funny or ridiculous that is not. I ordered a scented spray for my pillow to help me sleep at night.

Like a lavender scent. Okay. And they accidentally sent me two. Okay. So you understand that most people would not buy that. Funny or ridiculous. But you do. I just had a little chuckle about the mix up at the shipping warehouse.

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want to be like talking about no but that's what happened that are no but i clean harry punk harry's two bottles buy one get one their deodorant their lotion their body wash their hair gel all very high quality products they all smell great german engineer blades made in their own factory they stay sharp longer. You get a five blade razor, weighted handle, foaming shave gel, and a travel cover for just three bucks at Harry's.com slash the boys. Highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry. No risk trial.

Don't like your shave. No worries. It's on them. Getting ripped off isn't funny. Do you want to hear what happened to me that you might find yes yes sure but that you didn't yeah so you're attuned to to this stuff i got my foot stuck in the dryer at the laundromat and it somehow turned on and you know that that was something other people would find funny based on

well the responses you were getting. A lot of people inside that laundromat seemed to find it pretty humorous when my legs started spinning around and flipping me over. What happened was I was holding my laundry basket with both hands and I saw, ooh, still a sock left in the dryer. So I stuck my foot in and tried to pick it up with my little toesies i wear sandals punk and as i'm picking it up i just sort of tripped and my foot got wedged in between there's like slats in there and stuck inside there and then i don't know who somebody pushed the button or what but it turned on and the thing starts flipping over and i'm flying in circles help punk help me you punks are your

clothes staying in the basket are you going fast no no no i'm wearing all of them by the end of the cycle get started with a $13 trial set for just three3 at harrys.com slash the boys. That's harrys.com slash the boys for a $3 trial set. Um, so we, I think we cracked Dave. Like Dave is a very bad example. I think Kevin,

think about what would be a good one to do because Dave, honestly, he's going viral over an Instagram video is the, is essentially the big event of the pilot. And that doesn't really change for us. What would be good is to take a show where everyone, including us, knows all the characters and what happens in the show. Remember how much fun we had with Curb, which was a good example?

And that's like a classic show. The pantheon of classic shows. we had with curb which was like a good example that that's like a classic show yeah like the pantheon of classic shows like you started in a great place with curb your enthusiasm which has like tropes that like everyone acknowledges then you went to brooklyn 99 which like okay but it has to be on the air farther away for sure but it has to be on the air what the fuck are you talking about why no i thought you said like it has to be a current show it can't be a limited series a limited series when i said the outsider was limited series i mean that is not a running television show that will have multiple seasons that is it's an eight episode like uh

you know not it's a novel that they made into a mini series. A mini series and a TV show are two different things. But they could do a second season about COVID. Well, they did that with Big Little Lies. But you do it then, Kevin. You do it and see how well that goes.

Okay. Okay. That's such a great idea. But it's rare for them to do that with a book. It's rare for, it's rare for them to take a single book make like an eight episode series out of it

and then do a whole other season with like a new premise with the same name it's I mean I know you are doing this called big little lies yeah and I know you are doing it and I know you are doing this with your book but it is it's unusual i think it's fair

to say that it is unusual it's out of the ordinary my book already has a lot of zoom in it so oh wow zooming from heaven and i'll tell you it is that's the subtitle it's zooming zooming from heaven yeah it's crazy you said that. I'll tell you how the outsider does it. They get Meryl Streep in there. Nice. I mean, that's how you do it. Please, by all means, go and like, go email Meryl Streep. It's not try him out that he wore a bow. Okay.

Bess, what's your book called? My book is called Nobody Will Tell You This But Me. Is that true? It's Ain't It The Truth, guys. Is that true, though you this but me is that true it's ain't it the truth guys is that true though for real true no um no i don't want to give it away i don't want to give it away i don't want to give it away the whole the last line of the book is the whole thing just kidding it's just kidding the last line just kidding just kidding just kidding around like in the um the kristen wick kristen wick yeah oh like yeah yeah so she's gonna she's gonna sue is what i'm realizing Just kidding. Just kidding around. Like in the Kristen Wiig character. Kristen Wiig, yeah. Oh, like, yeah, yeah.

So she's going to sue is what I'm realizing right now. I'm a book. Just kidding. It's parallel thought, you know? I'm a character. No, I'm not. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding.

I'm not a book. Just kidding. I wrote it. Just kidding. Best wrote it. Would it be legal to say that your book, to write a book and to say it was written by David S. Pumpkins is that allowed hope so

yeah I mean I think we're all in really big trouble I hope so because I gotta call my lawyer if it's not my book Attention Teachers and Students has been getting a lot of good press, but I am nervous now, legally,

that I might be in a sticky situation. I think, yeah, you have, if you, like, when you publish Attention Teachers and Students, I think it's like a coin flip whether or not you would ever get in trouble. It's weird because, like, it's hard to bring me to court when there no one's allowed to be in the same room anymore. Yes. So that was really the time to commit intellectual property crime.

I think so. Just a petty, weird paperwork requiring crime. Yeah. How can they even serve you? They couldn't with six feet away yeah yeah oh sorry man i'd love to i'd love to accept that envelope but how about the good place everyone see that kevin what like i mean like it's it's fine, but are you five years old? There's a whole pantheon of shows. We said classic shows.

And you went in the tank for about 15 minutes and came back with The Good Place. It's not totally out of the realm of stuff that we could do, but there's so many classic shows Avenue 5 these are bad examples I would say like I'll give you what I think yeah

that is good the new zoom is pretty good the new zoom new zoom Avazoom 5 see I guess it's fun to do the titles but

okay you want to do the new zoom I mean we don't have time ah Sloan zooms Sloan Zooms with Will McAvoy. Bess, how much

is the book? The book is Canadian. You want Canadian? Canadian. Canadian. Oh, it doesn't have it. Oh, I always get... My book doesn't have... There's no

price on the book. Why does it have those pages that are very jagged? The book is tea-stained. I did the little burns on the sides and tea-stained it to make it look historical.

Tea stained. I'm in love with a steeper. I little dickied this book. She little dickied the damn thing. She teabagged her own book. You know, it's Hollywood, so that's what you gotta do it's Hollywood it's Holly weird it's Holly weird I made a joke that

people are gonna be mad that it was ignored I'm just saying what was it it was I said tea stain I'm in love with a steeper okay okay but it's too late and people will be upset oh you mean teaaying the guy who's auto

zoomed all the time yes for this freaking auto zoom sick joke what happened to good doing music and it's real what happened to being a good singer like me makes me sick but actually T-Pain won the Masked Singer so I think I think the voice

speaks for itself oh shit and he did a Tiny Desk concert and that is he did the realm of legitimate

music and everyone's like T-Pain is actually really singing for real and and everyone else has to like has to suck on it suck on these yeah yeah kevin is this enough for you are you finally satisfied when is enough enough is enough we're good okay ninja turtles and and best we just do one um springer style like final thoughts

segment from you and then or when the meal of the week moment of zen yeah a moment of zen or meal of the week oh boy um you, what is there to say? Just take care of each other, you know? Oh, my God. Just think about it. You honor me. You honor me, Beth. I just want to honor you guys with my truth, okay?

Okay, it's as simple as that. Thank you for saying the truth. Meal of the week. We're all just eating our canned pork over here. You know, just try to avoid the can of poison. Don't eat the poison. To everyone out there listening, don't eat your poison.

Don't eat that. Don't eat your poison. Don't eat that. Unless you open it and made a promise to yourself to eat whatever's in the can, in which case you can't break a promise to yourself. Unless you're a woman. If you are a man.

And then you'll be an angel. Yeah. That's right. How did this angel get get made how did this angel get made bye hollywood handbook that was a hate gun podcast