Hollywood Handbook - Beth Stelling, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

BETH STELLING joins The Boys to help create The Comedy Bubble. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gum podcast. Hey guys, support for today's show comes from Dashlane. Dashlane makes everything you do online easier. Fill out forms fast. Remember all your passwords and keep your online data accessible and safe with this all-in-one app. We've talked a lot about our issues with passwords and password management in the past. I went through this phase where... And I've talked to you about this, but I was like,

if people are going to be, if these hackers are going to be coming in and getting my password, might as well give them a laugh, right? Same might as well, like actually make them bust up laughing. I think it makes them less likely to take my yes, because they go like

this guy's cool actually this guy's one of the good ones he gets it or maybe i'll have time to like catch them i'm thinking of maybe like a future version where i'm like kind of riding around in cyberspace on like uh like a moped like um yeah exactly like a moped that's made of like light signals and ones and zeros. Yes, and so if then they're like they're laughing, I can like catch like lasso them. You have more time. Yeah, right, and so I would do these funny acrostics

sick where like, you know, like it's a poem where the first letter of a word like all the first letters spell a different word. So i would spell password on the left hand side but and this is like kind of gross for an ad but it would be like password penis ass stinky stinky wizard i couldn't really think of something funny for that you didn't go with wiener or wang piece or anything yeah i couldn't i just couldn't think of it yeah sometimes

you just in the moment you just can't i didn't have it wasn't really i did spend a while thinking about it but i just at some point i was like let's not let the perfect be the enemy of the good here yeah because wizard's funny yeah i mean it's like kind of you know stinky stinky wizard i mean is what yeah uh-huh did you do the o or i ran out so i ran out of room a yeah and they don't let you do paragraph breaks so it's not spelling anything on the left it is just one word that was so i i had a thing where i would do um not to get too political or anything, but I would do, my password would be just TuckerMax backwards because I consider myself to be the opposite of TuckerMax. Interesting.

The opposite or like the mirror? Yes, I'm sort of like the shadow world version. You're looking in the mirror and seeing Tucker. And I'm seeing this freaky like yeah inverted creation that is tucker max i guess a lot of people describe themselves that way like they're basically the anti-tucker max and a lot of hackers in particular okay and so it was getting cracked dozens of times like per hour and people were getting into my stuff and i you would think they would feel some sort of kinship with me then to go like,

oh, this guy also doesn't hope they serve beer in hell. Right. But that was not ever their feeling. They would absolutely drain my savings and change all my passwords and change my social media profile to have me just trying to sell people those sneakers. If you remember those like gold sneakers that would come up a lot. And the proceeds from your book were like, of course, in your savings. Actually, I actually hope they don't serve beer and hell.

Yeah. Yeah. Actually, they don't. So about that. Stick around later in the show and you'll hear how dash lane has helped us out so i'm freaking out like it's me and uh pen badgley not that one yeah not the one not the one you're thinking of no not pen like pen pen one n not pen no one wait who's pen with one n that's who i was with you were with pen pen badgley took the second n off no but it's you know what he was due for oh you were with pen badgley yes when you say pen i think oh he was with pen michael pen the

musician then i think oh no not the musician the magician and i think oh he was with pen from pen and teller who was telling us who's got it this week and he's calling bullshit on some of your stuff and then i think oh no it's not that pen because i hear badgley and then i when you say not that one after badgley i think oh you just mean the two that were in my mind but you're thinking a different pen badgley entirely pen badgley is yes he only has one n in his first name he is a poet police officer wow so that's why he is that's why he's that's why he is. That's why he's named that. Those are the two things that he uses for his. Am I allowed to talk? Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. It's fine. So that's. No, I mean, if you want to say that, like, you get it or like, that's cool. So it's a police officer named Penn Badgley because that's what he uses for his job. Uses his pen to write poems. The pen for the poems and then the badge because he's very badgly and when he's badgly he can get quite

badgly indeed because he's pulling the badge and showing you and saying do you have any idea how fast you were going so if you'll recall I was freaking out and because you're on the police end of him not the poet end of him

yes because yes Penn Badgley has shown up because I am creating a disturbance. I'm in a glass blowing class. And I need to make a fishbowl before my fish runs out of air. I'm holding my fish in my hand. And the instructor is sort of taking his time with other students you're going can we speed this up we get it because my fish is like it's like it seems fine it seems to be getting more energy in my hand it's like hurting me and it's kind of cutting me a little bit and it bit me

mm-hmm what kind of fish better fish better than your fish that's for sure okay i deserve that no so can i ask an annoying question did in a glass blowing class is there no finished glass around they're counting on you to they don't have any examples of what you might make in the class nothing so this was interesting they had a lot of it was fall so they had a lot of pumpkins okay which are closed and so i am putting what i have like a big arrowhead jug for an office water cooler jug. And so I'm pouring that on the pumpkins to see if they'll take any water that I could put the fish in. Nothing. Nothing open that will actually hold water.

Pumpkins and that's basically it. That sucks. Oh oh that's bad luck really nice though i made one you want to see and beth i mean we're sort of punishing you by making the story like two or three times as long as it normally would be now you see it oh wow so you ended up making that instead of a bowl for your fish. I ended up making a glass pumpkin. It just is so tempting. I think everyone gets hypnotized by seeing that pumpkin and they just say like,

well, that'd be cool if I finished one of those. And so anyone in your situation who has the fish. I follow directions too well. Beth. Yeah. Yeah. And where today we are, of course, we are gelling like Beth Stelling. And isn't that right?

And a lot of people don't remember the Dr. Scholl's commercial, but I do. And I remember you lobbied so hard for it to be gelling like Beth Stelling. And you were one of the final two people in that contest. It was you and Magellan. Interesting. Actually, I auditioned for it. And I'm the one who, in the audition, improvised just the entire marketing thing. I'm Jelen.

Because I actually meant I'm jealous, but they misheard me. And then they were like, did you say just I'm Jelen? And I was like, yeah. What were you saying? And then they stole it from me. What were you saying you were jealous of? Yeah, same question. But I'll take my response separately.

Answer Hayes' and then afterwards get to mine. Hayes, I was jealous of, ironically, their pens. Because they were taking notes on all this. That's not irony. That is deliciously ironic. No, it is because it's the name of the police officer.

Right. And you had already been talking about him. So it's ironic that that was also what I was jealous of. When you say something that someone said before And Sean, I'm jealous. That's being ironic. Your vocabulary. Oh, yeah. Because I have such a keen sense of irony. Mm-hmm.

I never mislabel it, ever. Exactly. Beth. So, yeah. People are like, how'd Beth get on this show? Well, she's friends with Devin already. Yeah, that's how I did get on. Your friends.

Because Devin famously loves, like, he's Mr. Moonlight, aren't you? Dr. Moonlight. Dr. Moonlight. He went back to school. He is the producer of

he's our sound engineer for the podcast I do with my mom. He's producing it I don't produce it that one he has good input oh thank you very much that's very kind what's an idea that Devin has had

he suggested my mom sound like a little sexier just to bring people in something for the boys it's always an issue you're making content doesn't hurt to help the boys feel a little included there yeah he does this thing that's so disgusting we're like he does this for us too it's always like can we can it get a little sexier in here then he licks his finger and like puts it in the air like he's trying to detect if

it's windy but i guess it's like how he detects how sexy it is like sexiness yeah yeah it's yeah you can feel it in the air you can feel it you feel the temperature raising it's not so much a wind as much as like it yeah like a humidity it's a humidity wrap around the finger in a way yeah exactly it's so gross to me but it worked it works i mean the our numbers have gone up so much because every now and then devin he'll do it during this he'll just stop something we cut it out but he'll go hey give that to me again but make it so damn horny it's so funny that he said it like that because he the way he said it for me and my mom is he would he would say like hey let's stop for a second can we get a little whine here and he would always go up yeah so he caters to his audience a little bit i think it's because

he was talking to women that he wanted to yeah exactly go up a little bit yeah well and it's it's the i mean look the genders are different let's say it and and for men horniness is down here and horniness can go way up here and it's and devin uh knows better than anyone where it lives when he's talking to us when he's talking to us he says bella's But he's talking to us. He says, Bella's... Can we make it a little hernier in here? He says hernier.

That's weird. That's strange, yeah. You're doing a show with your mom. What's her name? Diane. Great mom name. Diane. Perfect mom name. Diane Duvall.

Wasn't that what Superman and Batman's moms was named? Really? No, Martha. Right? Oh, yeah. That's Martha. It's the same name. Very close. Yeah. I don't know. I think Diane has a little more edge to it. And they're different letters. They do begin with different

letters. That's the other thing. Right. They start with different letters, but then there's one of the same letters yeah you're right so it's like we're just gonna go letter by letter it's like watch out when we get to number three man because they're gonna find a couple similarities just the one actually just you're gonna find one similarity the one letter but still and she's being weird on the show or normal? She's being normal. She's being normal? Finally.

Yeah. Can we get a normal mom on a show for a change? I agree. There's always got to be some wacky mom on all these shows. No, she's really normal. Not like that Allison Janney. Mm-mm. No, she's like a real wholesome mom she doesn't

she's not saying anything too crazy sounds like a good show so it's you you know i'm kind of going for just like something you can fall asleep to so in that way it works you know yeah i mean i'll try anything once so i so i'm putting that on and then i'm just going and i'm trying to fall asleep and you're trying not to fall asleep honestly try not to and your mom is being inspired by devon to bring some horniness into the mix because it is bedtime okay well it might might help your dreams beth what you are known as uh of course are you gonna read my bio uh i wasn't going to i can where do i find it you know honestly bestselling.com no it's actually punch it's punchable butts.com punchable butt so it's like colin joe's book

punchable face but it's punchable butts yeah in this case it's your your butts okay yes i will read it beth stelling is one of the hottest up-and-coming comics and on the american comedy scene she is known for her crowd work uh and observational comedy about uh family food this is family comma food period honestly i could like you know i didn't write my own bio of course i hired someone to write that I didn't write my own bio, of course. I hired someone to write that. They had listed a couple other things,

but I said cut it. You cut those. I said cut it. Cut it right there. Whether it's a corporate event or family reunion. I guess that's the family thing. Yeah. Bestselling will bring laughs to your life and uh money to your restaurant it's true yeah because if people say that if i'm in there at the restaurant making jokes people eat

74 more the people will eat a lot more. Because I'm still talking. They order a second entree and they finish about three quarters of it. Yeah. That's usually what happens. So let's talk about live comedy. Yeah.

This is a cherished institution that is now being in trouble. Is there anything you miss more? That was a very funny way to put it. Oh, yes. Sorry. I'm so used to haze that sometimes I blow by these things and people do get upset. It was a gem.

It's being in trouble. It's a great way to put it, right? That it's a cherished institution that is now being in trouble. Being in trouble. And that is scaring the hell out of me i'm feeling scared shaking like a leaf because i have learned a lot about myself and uh my loved ones during this time this different time of this pandemic and this and this novel coronavirus um and me and my guy friends have become a lot more vulnerable with each other that's been really illuminating we've opened up we talk about shit that we never would have talked about before when we just took each

other for granted can you share some of the private things that they've shared with you specifically about a couple people that i'd be interested in like can you share some of their secrets some of my guy friends secrets oh well um like the things that they got really vulnerable about yeah when they've gotten vulnerable just like um well devin for instance was talking about like how he used to collect baseball cards yeah oh. I never think of Devin that way. No. I just don't. I did share this in confidence, Sean.

But Beth here has prided on me and she's some sort of master interrogator. It's incredible. Now she's going to use it for her famous crowd work. She collects weaknesses like Scarecrow. Yeah. I don't have to, though. It's not like Icarecrow. Yeah. I don't have to, though.

It's not like I need it. Have it. Okay. Rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it is how I feel about Devin's baseball card weakness. So that sort of thing has happened, and that's been amazing. But the thing that has been negative, and there is a negative side to it as well is that live comedy

has not happened it has absolutely blown a hole in my life yeah the absence of this I go to the grocery store and I get to the front and I'm like hey it's me and here are my two friends and they're like okay you don't have to bring And I'm like, hey, it's me. And here are my two friends.

And they're like, okay, you don't have to bring two friends to the grocery store. Yeah, they're like, it's not a bringer. In fact, we'd rather you not bring anybody. They want us to shop in groups of two or fewer. It's pretty much the opposite of the two drink minimum. So that's been weird but what about you this is your I mean sorry I don't think it's the opposite of the two drink minimum

I feel attacked I really don't no but it's the irony issue again right where where if we're not being accurate like here I am like opening up sharing some of Devin you're right most painful secrets and you know what else I think that this is really uncomfortable like this is the second really uncomfortable moment that we've had where you've called me on my bullshit and that's like another thing that is like i've been dealing with in the pandemic yeah the pandemic the pandemic the yeah the opposite would be going to the to a sad movie instead of seeing live comedy

and being made to sell to sell two drinks. Sell them. You're right. I hope that happens. That sounds good. I don't... So I'm sorry that you guys

are going through such a hard time and it's been such a huge hit to your careers. But I'm fine without live comedy. No, you're not, Beth. But this uses your blood it's the very blood in your veins i was waiting for an out no no no no no no no no did you see through this and you knew that i needed you to beg me to stay in live comedy beth live comedy needs you and you need it this is this is everything okay please we're gonna reopen the meltdown why it's gonna be me and you okay jonah too and we will get in there and we will fire this up we

are going to create the comedy bubble we've seen it work for hockey we've seen it work for basketball we're going to create the comedy bubble for live comedy performers like you like us to a lesser extent like um uh i'm trying to think of someone who's like lesser extent who's like not as good as yeah i guess should we name those people or i would be helpful if we just even threw out a couple ideas i do just want to clarify that when sean says me and you and jonah too he means like jonah too is like Gallagher too. It's not like actual Jonah Ray. Jonah Ray has licensed

his act to Jonah too. He sold his act to his brother. As long as they don't work the same clubs, it's going to be okay. It'll be us and we'll get a whole crew in there and finally people will have their funny bones absolutely obliterated once more i think as long as we're staying safe and each have our own microphone what material are we

doing these days beth give me a sample what i might hear in there wow just a topic even that you might go to town on washing your hands yeah okay yep maybe that maybe it's something about how jeans don't even fit anymore that That has been my experience. That's my bit. Oh, that's yours? Shit. Oh my god. We actually do really need to cross-reference some of the bits we've been writing in quarantine. I don't want to be doing your jokes. Well, that'll be easy

in the bubble. We'll only be doing them to each other. Oh. So there's not going to be an audience we're not social distancing is it just like comedy for each other there will be a digital audience so i don't know if you've seen an nba game recently but they do have they have the fans right wirelessly digitally projected into the fan crowd wow that's gonna be an exclusive bunch yes so they can be there they can hit a button i were i guess they can type the word laugh as like a command. That's cool. Or maybe it could be a... I guess I'm used to laughs. Are they going to be able to heckle?

You got bored. That's something I really miss. What kind of heckling do you get the most? Probably just like, ranch! Like they're just calling for ranch. That might not be for you. Yeah, I actually think that might be. Be for the waitress, maybe?

Yeah, I think that might be unrelated. I think, I mean, it may be that either Sam Elliott or Ashton Kutcher just walked in. Really? Yeah. Like into this... Likecher just walked in. Really? Yeah. Like into this... Like they just walked in. Not here. No. They walked into the back of the

comedy venue as you're performing and everyone's going, oh my gosh, it's one of my favorite stars of the beloved Netflix comedy show, The Ranch! Oh! So you only heard the beginning it's interesting because i

yeah i've actually never seen that so i was that would have been lost on me then and now there could be a ranch command there could be a command for people to uh for their digital avatar to scream out

ranch yeah there has to be uh so yes There has to be... So, yes. Everyone has to bring their own microphone. It has to be, of course, you have to be washing it a lot. With water? Yeah.

Yeah, what do you wash your microphone with? And you gotta bring your own water. This is crazy. You have to bring your own microphone water. It's feeling like I don't even know if i want to be a part of it like i know that it would be fun to do with you guys but life comedy just isn't the same if i'm having to wash my own mic see i didn't get into comedy to wash my own mic i want somebody to do it for me and you know as someone who's been following your career this is um a little sad to see i do remember the best selling uh who industriously washed her own mic after every performance and washed all the other stand-ups mics yeah but that was when i was trying

to come up and i don't take shit anymore. But now think of like that next, you know, like it's the next Beth Stelling, who's the person that you're like sort of flippantly tossing your filthy mic to after every show. There's no need to pull the ladder up behind you, Beth. Like, I think it's a good example for all the young comics in there

some of the ones who are worse than us that we mentioned earlier yeah like a homer weinberg and yes thank you like they see beth washing her own mic they go like wow jesus of beth stelling's washing her mic then i guess i have to do it too i I'm flattered. I don't look at myself that way, so I think you're right. Like, I really should kind of reconsider what I said earlier and sort of take it back. Okay, and I'd like to give you space to do that. Do I need to apologize, do you think? It's got to be a big formal apology.

Like, now? Or should I go away and write it? This will be the public one, and we'll expect a private one as well. Okay. The public one is, I appeared on a podcast recently with two young boys and they were asking me to join their comedy bubble and I made a mistake.

And one of my answers, I took it too far. I was a diva i'm shamed and while i i don't really feel like i did anything wrong i do want to say i'm sorry that's the worst part of the apology that shouldn't be part of the apology it was going really well you can't say that you would need to at least admit that you got caught up in your lifestyle okay what is this twitter i thought it was like just an official apology that i submitted and there wouldn't be any comments made to me again i guess we are being a couple of reply guys yeah this is all we do is make comments without Without comments, there's no show. The whole show is funny comments.

Oh, man. Okay. I got caught up in my diva lifestyle, and I want to apologize. I will be washing my own mic, and I hope it serves as a reminder to all the comics coming up in the bubble that hard work could pay off. Hey, while you're washing mics, you probably uh take a look at that mike rowe you know for all the dirty jobs he's doing yeah he's washing that's it you know that's the kind of thing you usually ask people to look that

up before they come on the show. That like, you know, you're coming out to do Hollywood Handbook. Like, yeah, you're going to want to familiarize yourself with Mike Rowe a little bit. I thought Mike Rowe penis is where honestly I thought that was going. Mike Rowe. Yeah, it can lead to confusing conversations. Mike Rowe penis. When someone's saying like,

boy, get a load of that micro penis. You're expecting to see one that's very small, but then it is the penis of micro from Dirty Jobs. Oh my God. He's packing. How can you tell? Beth. he's packing heat how how can you tell bet you know during this time on me and a lot of my guy friends have become a lot more vulnerable with one another and it's just been a time for sharing and just like learning about each other

in a way that we probably would have been uncomfortable with before this means you've been sharing dick pics with your friends? My friends? I mean, with Mike Rowe. Yeah. Hollywood handbook. Hey, guys. Support for today's show comes from Dashlane.

Dashlane makes everything you do online easier. Fill out forms fast. Remember all your passwords and keep your online data accessible and safe with this all-in-one app. Dashlane even safely remembers and autofills all your login information so you won't get slowed down by forgotten or misspelled passwords so i like i really want to apologize for this like dash lane has been one of our best ad partners they've been like about basically the last ad that we did and specifically what i did where i used password to spell out like the first like a

humorous acrostic yeah humorous acrostic yeah exactly you did yeah uh and it started like password uh p-a-s-s and it started uh penis ass stinky stinky and this is like not that's not who i am and in fact i didn't come up with this it was brett uh and so what i need brett to do now is apologize apologize take responsibility be a big boy. And actually come up with a new funny, still funny acrostic, but that actually doesn't use words like that. Apologize for what exactly though?

My body? Apologize for how I was born? That would be great. I've actually been hoping you would do that for a long time everybody's fingers crossed i'm hoping that would happen yeah wait people been talking about expecting that to happen now but i think you can apologize for the nasty acrostic poem that you came up with and come up with one that's like still funny but like much cleaner okay all right um i am sorry that you for anyone that feels like i said something wrong you know i'm sorry they feel that way and i feel differently i feel like i have I'm proud of my body and even the stinky, stinky part.

But that's subjective. And you were saying that's two different parts. And that's why it's in there twice. Well, yeah. There's a couple stinkies. And again, I really... More than two. I left out a couple.

Genuinely, it's a password manager that I really use. It is very useful to me. I don't want to get into this again i just want to get to the clean nice acrostic uh i mean plus dashling works across devices so you can access your accounts no matter what device you're using computer or phone i have it on both my computer and my phone and i'm concerned that they're going to make me give one back all right here we go new new password um and it has to be like whatever you call it starts with the same letter that's the entire premise okay perfect perfect anatomy oh smells scrumptious and wizard stays obviously wizard i guess would stay and then we then just like last

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. rocketmoney.com slash the boys. We will be staying at the Ha Ha Hotel. It's where everyone in the live

comedy bubble will be situated. We will what's the food we have to make sure that there's food chicken like here's the thing it's our it's settled no your first instinct you ever read by malcolm gladwell it's chicken you thought of chicken because that's correct okay but i was thinking this is our chance to not have to stay at the hotel to finally reinvent comedy from the way we saw it before now that we're doing it in a bubble so like we don't have to stay in shitty hotels anymore or eat chicken fingers from the club like maybe we try to be healthier the haha hotel so what's your version of this the hotel and see and once again i'm remembering beth snelling's early career where she was so

i remember your like so honored to enter the haha hotel even to just be allowed to stand on the curb outside and again kind of lightly whacked by the revolving door as it swung by. It kept sort of clipping her shoulder and almost knocking her down. And her being like, this is my dream. This is what I always wanted to do. Again, I've been kind of called out here and brought to my knees really with that memory. Because I absolutely forgot. And i don't want to blame the pandemic no i know let's not do that but let's be kind to the pandemic for a change

okay but i do feel like my memory's been altered and time has been passing extra quick or slow. And I feel like I forgot the old me. Kevin, take out the pause between extra and quick on Beth's track. You got it. So I do remember the time where I was just honored to be there just to sit in the lobby and wait hours for my room to be ready for all the cum to get wiped up

and the and all the drugs put back in the drawers and to go in there and make a dirty Keurig before the show. Nasty Keurig. While I write my set list.

Green Mountain Coffee. Mm-hmm, yeah. Hollowed out Bible in the top drawer with a handgun inside of it just in case. Exactly. And a couple of used condoms in the used condom pit. The space between the wall and the bed.

Boy. And a little barf sometimes. Sometimes a little barf they missed. I do miss it. I remember you being honored to be in that place with all those things you just described. And now all of a sudden la-di-da miss diva i know i lost track of the real me why'd we get into it you know what i

mean like why'd we really start why'd we start doing this this crazy job we do that's insane to get up alone with a microphone and go i think i can make these hundred people laugh you know i mean the most fucked up demented uh job idea you could ever have what started that i think it's some i mean i don't want to blame my dad but i feel like I think it's some... I mean, I don't want to blame my dad, but I feel like... I think that's a pretty good excuse that a lot of comics like to use. Sort of like, my dad.

Yeah. The answer for me as to what got me into this and is also, I think, what's going to get us out of this and save live comedy is the same. And that answer is shorties watching shorties. Okay.

Hello. That show. So let's think about this. The show shorty watches shorties. Nick DiPaolo and Patrice O'Neill are babies. Yes. and patrice o'neill are babies yes and when nick's mom baby nick's mom is away the babies get together and they watch animated clips of stand-up comedy performances you know about this beth i'm fully lost is this you never saw the shorties watching shorties is this real

is this a google and can i rent it somewhere uh yeah you could uh yes you could probably is it on cso or still or youtube i think the rights are sort of being passed around right now. It was on Comedy Central in... When would you say, Sean? It was probably in the late 90s, right? It's gotta be. April to December

2004. April to December 2004. Okay. It was animating stand-up comedy performances and it's having these babies watch them now news to me does anyone remember this show this is what got me into comedy it was like six stand-ups who's the guy they call him like the bulldog or something and he and he got a voice like bobby slayton bobby slayton is like the main guy and it's like six stand-ups and they were just

like playing cards and telling street jokes and that was an early comedy central show i remember gotta do this. Wow. And look at you now. This is pretty much what this is. No kidding. That's another thing we can bring back. Hey, you ever notice that being in a Zoom with your friends is pretty much basically the same as being on an episode of Tough Crowd?

Yes. We could just be doing Tough Crowd now. I don't know. Hayes, I feel like you're calling i do too i do too guys i have a quick question for the last please be quick for the last the last four minutes i'm gonna say that i've really had to pee to the point of discomfort and i'm wondering if maybe i had to pee to the point of discomfort. And I'm wondering if maybe I could just run to the bathroom, like right there. It's not even far. And I have a key.

They gave me the key. You can go. You cannot mute the computer. Okay. Mute yourself. We don't want to hear. We don't want to hear you. Wait, hold on.

If I keep these in, can you hear me pee? Yes. Devin answered that very quickly. Wait, so then I can't hear you if you're talking about me. That's also true. Okay. I'm going to go really quick. This is a really difficult situation situation i feel like it's like

but go you should like you should go go we'll figure it out but we have to go when i get back that we can't promise because this has never happened before if i find this bobby slayton show i'm gonna be watching that for the rest of the night okay please don't leave and also i feel like if i took you in there and you had to hear me pee i would it's not appropriate no it's nasty to me go i can't i mean this is like you think of our our whole catalog it's so vast we've done so many episodes and this is the first time we've ever had a pee guest

I know and we promised ourselves that if it ever happened we'd hang it up we said that's it that's the line that we drew for ourselves where we go hey as long as nobody's peeing on the damn show, we know we've done our job. But once you cross that line, I don't know, man.

I'm bummed. And I remember, it's the same thing with Beth. When I was so idealistic, it's like, we'll just do it. We'll do a real show. Not a show where like people are peeing like no i know yeah that was like always the goal and then and then you know there's that famous quote where it's like every show uh begins as a movement grows into a business

and devolves into just a piss palace just a pee you know showcase essentially and it's disappointing to be a part of it but Devin does this happen on the other show it hasn't come up no

unbelievable so she's saving it for our show and shows that she guests on. There you are. Sorry, guys. It actually took longer than normal because I held it so long. It took a while to know that it was okay to go. Yeah.

Sometimes your body goes like, really? Are you sure this time? Oh, now that it's your idea, suddenly we all are on board for this. Well, I'm sorry. I'm not ready anymore. Devin was just, uh,

sharing what, uh, to me, it was a fairly shocking revelation, which is that this has actually never happened before on your own show. And so you are actually saving for when it's time to pee for when you are being a guest on other people's shows. I'm so sorry. It was like, and I even drank in front of you.

So rude. And I should have known. And now I'm seeing and I'm flashing back in my head that all the little sippies that she was taking nobody's that thirsty no it's like the end of the usual suspects for me where yeah suddenly it's all coming together like every time she's like she's misspeaking she's using ironically wrong she's doing opposite wrong and then right afterwards she's like boy getting called out really uh makes a girl flushed and then chug chug chug chug chug

and it was all a setup I was getting played like a fucking fiddle I drop the coffee in slow motion and then Beth gets down and tries to drink the coffee on the floor so she have to pee again well that's it I mean like we're saying no it's over like sean and i said from the

beginning that we were going to do something like different we weren't going to be like all these other shows where people are just like peeing like crazy on every episode we weren't gonna do that guys i don't want to make you feel bad but i have to share something okay doesn't shouldn't make me feel bad you should be able to share something without me feeling bad the reason i that i had to pee it's like it's a medical condition what you yeah. It's just part of my body. It's just a medical thing. Okay. Wow.

Well, this is actually really expanding my horizons. I just wanted to be vulnerable. It's like if I drink a lot of liquids and stuff, or if I drink anything during the day, I have to go pretty soon after. So I actually have something to share as well. Okay, I'll go next. Okay.

As long as we are opening up. Me not being successful in my career is also a medical condition. Wait. How could you say that about yourself? I think you are successful. Like really successful. I would invite you to talk to my fleet of doctors. Why don't you tell the Johns Hopkins?

It's just ironic because I've always looked up to you so yeah and you know you can it just goes to show that like you can persevere and you are not this illness in the same

way you I mean to some extent are a pee person. Right. But it's like it's part of you, but it's not who you are. Thank you. That was really brave when you shared that, Hayes. I'd like to go on record that my absolutely horrendous personality

is actually a medical condition all the times I've sort of corrected and all the sort of rude things that I've done and said on the show and off the show are actually a result of a very severe illness.

And my doctors are working around the clock to figure something out. And the best they have so far is they've just been telling me to basically go to sleep. His personality is, while not perfect while he's asleep it is much it's it's it's a big improvement it's better it is better i don't think you'd find anybody who disagrees with that

he still is kind of weirdly snide yeah how does yeah like it must be yeah i feel like i just send my um love and grace to your wife and your kid through this hard time yeah a little play on my wife's name there my main wife this is just really giving me a whole new perspective on people who pee in the middle of my podcast which uh is as of right now a list of one oh my god but it is making me think that me declaring i was a kid you know i didn't know anything about the world and so when i said i would end the podcast as soon as someone had to pee during the show that was actually me being ableism oh my god in a way it was wait okay think i just got confused i was worried you

were gonna just end the whole podcast altogether the series that's what we were yes that's what we promised to do while I was in the bathroom yeah Devin we don't need you to confirm well and Devin

so excited for it to be over has been waiting for this his whole life. That's why I came back for this episode. I was like, oh, I can see how this is all going to go. All the pawns are in place. Oh, when they end, I can finally do my show. Holly Weird Handball.

Fucking clown. This clown ass so when should we do our first show from the bubble i'm bailing on the bubble man all this stuff has me like turned upside down you're the one who talked me into it i know i know you know honestly i really thought the bubble was gonna be a lot like that show on Comedy Central that I watched with Bobby Slayton, where we're all kind of just telling jokes, just like busting each other's damn chops. And now I don't even know if I would want that anymore. And I'm looking at a list of Comedy Central programs that have existed, and I'm just not finding it. But I know I saw it at least once. I even remember one of the jokes,

but it's pretty long. You guys probably don't want to hear it. once i even remember one of the jokes but it's pretty long you guys probably don't want to hear it no i do just just for like if we're not doing the bubble at least chop it up one last time well i don't know i mean i probably i may have even told it on the show before i don't know but it's just the one joke i remember from the show and of course bobby slayton told this joke he was sort of the mayor of that thing and uh yeah i'm probably, I'll probably paraphrase it. Cause it was, you know, in my memory, it was probably like 1992 or something.

So, so basically a guy comes in and he's shopping for a, a pet at the pet store. He's in, they'll look at like some puppies or something. And he's, and he's, and he,

he's walking around and he has a little chat with the owner and he's walking by. There's a parrot in a cage. And the parrot says, hey, hey, fuck you. And the guy gets very upset. And he goes, Jesus Christ, man, you heard what your fucking parrot said? Like, what kind of pet store are you running? You taught this thing to say, fuck you to a customer.

I'm a paying customer. I was about to buy a bunch of food and other items. And now all of a sudden i'm getting told fuck you by this pair like this is unacceptable the pet store owner goes like i'm really really sorry he's never done that before it won't happen again i swear it won't happen again i'm sorry like here sir have some free stuff and he goes okay all right so the guy comes back in a week later and he has gotten a dog at this point and he's getting some food and a bowl and a leash and everything for a week he's been like i don't know what these things are and then as he's walking by the parrot cage he for some reason he looks over and right when

he goes over the parrot goes fuck you and he goes this again you promised me this wouldn't happen did you hear what your bird just said to me and the pets are comes over and he gets in the parrot's face and he goes like hey he goes hey you do hey, you do that again. Like you're losing customers for me. He goes, you do that again. I'll rip your feathers off. Like this is no good. And now I'm thinking this guy shouldn't be a pet store owner. But at any rate, this is what he says to the parrot. He goes, yeah, you don't say that to our customers. And then the guy's like, he's like, do you feel better, sir? And he goes, yeah, I just really, I really don't want that. And he goes, if it happens again, you have my permission. you can take this bird out behind the store and karate chop him like

and and he says you hear that parrot and the parrot's sort of nodding like he knows and so uh you know the guy uh buys his stuff and he leaves and he leaves pretty satisfied and a week later he comes back into the store and he walks by the parrot and the parrot goes hey buddy hey buddy and the guy turns and he looks at the parrot and he goes what and the parrot goes you know

that really was very long yeah honestly yeah honestly I would buy your hour special telling other people's jokes yeah so that one was from this show

but I just cannot remember the name of it I loved it I loved it thanks Beth. I loved it. Beth. Thanks, Beth. That's really nice. I like a lot of your jokes, too. I'm not going to do them now, but...

Beth. Yeah? Have you been holding out on us? Did you do the tournament of laughs? Did you do TBS's tournament of laughs? I don't i hope i'm hearing this wrong beth have you just done 45 minutes of the show and not bring up tbs's tournament of laughs that that's on your fucking resume the funniest tournament around guys look i didn't want to tell you because we weren't doing it together why would that be the reno one does it together it's an individual competition okay but that's why i got out on the first round

because i felt bad that i was in it and you guys weren't wow you lost a lot of people a lot of money. I'm sorry. I'll just say that. I'm sorry. And I wonder if that was a fully fair competition or if maybe there was a little side action going on. I do think it was rigged. And my mom does too. Because she thinks mine was the best. I got a pretty good idea who did was rigged. And my mom does too. Because she thinks mine was the best. I got a pretty good idea who did the rigging.

And the same kind of person who turns a respectable podcast into some sort of cavalcade of urine. I went with P-Circus. But I am sorry. I feel like i'm watching the musical you're in town i feel like i have to remind you that it is a medical condition did you forget right yeah well i think me bringing it up is part of my medical condition my personality okay forgiven who'd you lose to yeah who who whooped your ass who kicked you up and down main street i got my ass whooped i got my face handed to me by in the first round by

roast master general jeff ross no jeff r Yes. And now we have to talk about this? He roasted me to a crisp. Oh, no. Yeah. If you can believe this. Like any election, there was a sexual predator that you could vote for. This is hard to believe, but this guy who seemed to really revel in dressing like hitler for televised events was actually up to some bad stuff that yeah that knocked me out are you okay well i kept thinking i kept going like wait not my jeff ross right right right

surely there's another it must be a pretty common name it's not man you'd think it would be you would think so yeah but uh ironically that sucks but funny's funny i mean that's what we found out at the Tournament of Laughs. Funny talks and bullshit walks, you know what I mean? It's like you just got to march on down the end of the stage. Ironically, Jeff Ross is the producer of my new hour special, but it's not that Jeff Ross. So I'm going to have to go back on what I said earlier when I said it's not a common name. Yeah, you're going to have to. I don't know.

I don't know why I said that, because there are two Jeff Rosses in the industry alone. At minimum. Yeah. Is this a plug or we are we transitioning into uh into a plug it's actually more of kind of like um save myself type thing you know like if people hear me talk shit and then think that jeff ross actually produced my special yeah i don't want to come off as a hypocrite. You're saying that nobody else has that name. Right. And then... And that it's the first name that appears after your special is over.

Right. Almost guaranteeing that it would be that, Jeff Ross. But it's not. It's the one from Conan. The executive producer of Conan. Ah, Team Coco. Kevin is so familiar with them. So is Devin.

Yeah. Devin as well. Wow. We're really plugged in. What's Coco like? He's pretty tall. He once fake strangled me in the studio

to make someone laugh. Were you scared? Wow. I found it very entertaining. Okay, good recovery did you do like a funny like whoa I did I did a

that was really good Devin you were bored to do that thank you did it turn you on at all or is that not really no it's not really my bag what exactly turns you on devin this will give us another 10 12 minutes of the show

honestly i i wouldn't mind knowing wow you know just normal moms i guess I guess. It's all coming together. What's your special call, Beth? It's Stepatism and it's coming out August 20th on HBO Max. Is it new stuff or the same stuff I've seen?

It's just the stuff that I did on the podcast today. Same stuff. The podcast stuff. Do your mom and sprint yeah now that one's five years old um so i'm i i have i have done some new things since then in the past five okay yeah yeah i really liked that one i gotta say it's not gonna be in there it's pretty Obviously, you don't want me to do it.

No, I can't. I can't have you do that. I could send you the script for another one in the chat. A new one? Let's see. I could do just the joke about Ohio. Let's see here. I do have one I would love for you to do okay it's gonna be about piss let me guess i think this one's kind of fun and i've heard in the chat yeah okay okay hang on can i read it

first or do i have to cold read it i feel like you can read it first because i want you to sort of like succeed if we're not doing the bubble i want to be able to like support you best i can let me give it a shot and you could give me notes i won't and i'm coming in in the middle like it's like you know but i i mean but i was single briefly for like a day uh and that's when i realized i'm a little bit of a tarzan dater like before i let go of this dick i'm just like swinging to the next dick so there's really only a brief period of time just this split second where you can catch me without a dick in my hand

oh my god I loved the riff that was freaking solid thank you thank you for the material that's the part I can't do that was freaking beautiful I want you to do my can you redo my special that's interesting i mean with the you know current economic

state of comedy uh it's going to be very hard for them to generate content and maybe me redoing your specials would be a great way to sort of make it feel new. It could kind of be cool if you think about it, if maybe like every, for the next, let's say, like three months of your podcast, I come on each time just and feed you these lines. And then it's important. That'd be sick. And like, I also could work at some of your famous crowd work.

I could be doing that as well so before I go I go so this I'd be like but I was single briefly anybody single in here yeah a couple hands going up this one's single she's you're are you but okay don't do hands up because I it's so clap if is anybody okay this one knows. All right. Anyway, I was single for like a day, and then I get into my Tarzan stuff. I like that. Makes it seem a little like you date Tarzan, though.

Yeah. But you're a little bit of a Tarzan dater. I just put a new joke in there. I just put a new joke in there for you to do. Wow, yeah. Is it time to leave? Probably. I actually have like three more hours if you guys want to hang out. Okay.

It's this odd position where I don't actually have anything. But I don't like want to do that. Kevin, why did you need to be here? Yeah. I don't know. I can leave. Should I leave now? Well, it's over now.

You and Beth are probably going to hang out. We got to catch up. We do notes together on your episodes. I tell them what to cut and stuff. Mm-hmm. And what to keep in. Mm-hmm.

Oh, let me guess. Keep in all the pee stuff. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a hate gun podcast.