Hollywood Handbook - Big Apple Bible, Episode 1

Episode Date: March 7, 2016

Hayes and Sean are called into a high-stakes business meeting.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i'm sleeping in the shower and i get a call from tom sharpling and he's whispering and he says are you all pruned out yes i'm a giant prune i'm one giant prune because i uh you know how you put the shampoo in and you have to close your eyes or else make you cry and you know how if i you know if i end up closing my eyes for too long i have to go to sleep So that's what happened this morning. But I get this call from Tom, and he's being very quiet, and he says, buddy, I'm stuck in the police station.

I stole some jewels, and I hid them in the roof of the police station, but then they caught me, and so now i have to pretend to be a real undercover cop to try and get the jewels out of the ceiling and so i need you and sean to come get me and you can then save me and you can have some of the jewels and he said that i yes i do have rubies he said oh wow yeah well i had asked him to name the jewels that he had when i got the call and oh okay because i know you don't like i know you don't like rubies which is why well i don't like rubies and also he had not taken my birthstone so i was like what's in it for me uh what is your birthstone paradox and i'm such a lover of astrology and all things mystical that I just felt like,

well, this isn't really worth the trip for me. And I know the thing with rubies for you is that you think that they seem like they would be hot if you touched them. They look very, very hot. I would hate to have one on my hand or, God forbid, in my pocket. And also, that's the easiest stone to curse for a gypsy. Like a cursed amulet is 98% of the time is going to have a ruby. So anyway, I scoot over to New York.

What's that silly Kazan movie where her name is Ruby? Remember Paul Dano's a writer and he makes a movie? Ruby's Park. Ruby's Park. Yes. Okay, go ahead. That's the only kind of Ruby I like. Go ahead.

So I'm in New York suddenly, and I go to the address that Tom gave me. Okay. And there's no police headquarters that I can see, but I do find myself in the rail yard where Tom records

his podcast. Mm-hmm, yes. And I see a guy who is a policeman, but he looks a lot like engineer Jason Dudio wearing sunglasses and a mustache and a sheriff's badge that I now think was a sticker.

Okay. But I don't, just in case he's been like an undercover policeman all along, I don't want to be mean to him or something. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Can I ask you questions about the sheriff's badge? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Did it have questions about the sheriff's badge? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Did it have sequins in the middle of it

that were in sort of the shape of a heart? And did it say, Hottie Police? Yes. Okay. Okay. That's a real badge. I don't know how he got it.

Okay, so he is a real policeman. Don't know how he got it okay so he is a real policeman don't feel bad oh okay it doesn't mean that he's a real policeman but maybe his dad was a policeman like mine was and i used to take my dad's batch do all kinds of wild shit i've suspected this about a lot of the engineers that they are actually policemen, especially Engineer Cody, who I wonder if he does all those extreme sports, and I wonder if he's been sort of trying to point break us all along, and that's been sort of the idea behind Engineer Cody. Right, he's buddying up to two adrenaline junkies who some people snort for it, some people shoot up for it, but we just ride the big waves

for the rush and uh he thinks that once he's sort of in our club of wild men that will reveal to him all our schemes but but we can talk about that later you know we can yeah sort that out later so i say hello say top of the morning officer to engineer jason dudio and he says hey and his mustache immediately falls off into his mouth he eats it which okay i think was an accident well he wanted i think he wanted to make it look like he did it on purpose so he was like mmm yummy breakfast. But now I'm thinking like, it's afternoon, it's not breakfast time. Even though I said top of the morning, I don't know

another way to say hi to a police officer. But it was lunchtime. And Engineer Jason Duda is saying it's breakfast time. And he's just eating breakfast at lunchtime and his breakfast is a mustache. That's a bridge too far.

So, yeah. So, I'm thinking, I gotta get out of here. Mm-hmm. Can I say something? And this is the next thing. And then Tom walks out of the cafe car

where he records his podcast. Uh-huh. And he says, hey, come in here. Have a seat. I want to talk to you. And this is it. And we're here. And want to talk to you. And this is it. And we're here.

And he had me call you. And this is where we are. Yeah. Welcome. Okay. Well, all right. So if you're really in New York, because I just want to, you know, last time this was all a big misunderstanding, but I am in the Earwolf ladies room.

Okay. I can't hear you anywhere. Do you want to sing a little something? Yeah, I can sing something. Baby, you're a firework. Come on, tell me why. And I'm checking all the stars. It's for work.

And I'm not hearing fireworks. Ooh, la, la. Do you know any Twenty One Pilots? Yeah, but I don't want to sing that song right now. Oh, no, I'm thinking of Ex-Ambassadors. No, I don't know any 21 Pilots. Oh, okay. They got this fucking jam called Stressed Out

that I've been just feeling in a big way lately. But yeah, I've checked all the stalls. You're not in here, bud. Was there anyone else in there? I'm just feeling in a big way lately. But yeah, I've checked all the stalls. You're not in here, bud. Okay. Was there anyone else in there? Yeah, just a couple wild horses. You're here. Yeah, I am here in New York.

Yeah. And the plane ride was a lot longer this time than it was last time when I went to other New York. So this makes a lot more sense. Welcome. Right. So this is other New York, so this makes a lot more sense. Welcome. Right, so this is real New York. But anyway, Tom, you had something you wanted to say, and I hope it's related to what this trick is all about. Yes.

First, let me just sidebar a couple things. Doodio, Engineer Doodio, was eating the mustache because here on the East Coast, I don't know if it's made it out to Hollywood yet. Party City now offers breakfast anytime. They're kind of following on the heels of McDonald's or Taco Bell. Party City now has breakfast anytime. That's why he said yummy breakfast. So that's interesting because they didn't used to have breakfast at all. No.

And now they have breakfast 24 hours a day. They didn't even used to be, as far as I know, open all day long. Oh, there's breakfast in there and you can't get in for one half of the day. You'll just see like steamer trays with pancakes and waffles and there's an omelet station in there and a guy just who just shrugs his shoulders when you pull the door he's like we're closed and then he's like i can't do anything about it either breakfast anytime but i can't like this Taco Bell cannot like this because the true breakfast defectors, I feel, are not going for the

AM Crunchwrap. They are going to be going to Party City because they're defecting not only from a traditional breakfast restaurant, but from restaurants altogether. Sean has been trying to make this podcast more like Doughboys. He's been watching

Doughboys and how they've gotten so successful so quickly. So that's why naming the specific menu items. You're going to find me doing that all throughout the meal. Chicken diggers. What are some other menu items I like to say? Pazooki. What else is really funny um just because it's a real item at a restaurant zone i mean it's a lot like pizookie but it is it is another thing you

can say yeah i'm sorry i mowed the lawn on the zone a bit for you i i should have backed that up yeah um okay so uh that's gonna be some of the funniness that's coming out of my end of this. But I also, just because I'm not there and I wasn't planning on doing a podcast right now, I will be probably running some errands and taking care of some other stuff while I'm on the phone with you guys. That's okay. Yeah, I mean, this is Tom's show. I just wanted you to hear what was going to go down more than anything. Is this a show? I don't know.

We're talking in the microphones. Is this an episode of our show? No, what this is is kind of like recording the minutes of a business meeting that this tape will live on as like a document of how business is done. Okay. Like what? Is there another example or something like if you go to like a business museum and you can listen to other meetings some of the big meetings yeah throughout history just people buying it in the room uh-huh that one in liar liarar where he like points to everyone in the room and he's like

loser yeah says everything one by one it's because he can't help it because his child cursed him yeah I like that scene because when they get to the African American gentleman I'm always quite nervous

yeah but I think he calls him like a like a boar or something something very harmless i think he really goes after him and just is completely unfiltered and says sort of the most horrible thing that he can think of about everyone. He's calling these women sluts. And he's doing all this stuff, and he gets to that gentleman and he says, like, you know, brown noser. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they love it.

It's definitely not brown noser, by the way, but... Why? How do you know? I just, I think I remember from the movie that that's that's not what that is oh yeah before haze yeah there was no jewel heist yeah that was just a canard that's as that's as far as i've caught up to yeah at this point now i brought you here for a business meeting and a proposition that i feel will benefit all almost all parties all parties you and me and sean too too in its own way ultimately oh sure i i don't want to get too inside baseball

but you've spent a fair amount of time here in new york yeah over the last you and i were working on something we call project x sure can't say what it is that already came out we well no it's the tv series of project that and it was yeah we were and if tom and i were gonna throw a real eyes gold party with a lab experimented monkey from the first project x it's like the two exaverses meet each other in a series it's like what if a monkey that they were doing experiments on ends up broing down yeah with the worst humans alive and we tried to make him a DJ, but I guess they did too many experiments on him, and he just kind of sat on the record and just sort of went around and around.

But that's good footage as well. Yeah, but he wasn't having, it didn't look like he was having fun or not having fun, you know what I mean? So you've got the monkey, you've got Helen Hunt, and then you've got that kid who was kind of a jerk who took some UCB classes, and I heard some funny stories about him.

We got a type of him. We had on the audition, the casting thing, it said, looking for the jerk who did some UCB classes who Sean heard some funny stories about type. Yeah, just there right on the heels of Project X he was kind of like swinging it around in some of those classes like it was all easy street from here on out and then I can't remember his name now and I haven't seen him since

so Sean that's what Hayes and I have been working on i guess it's a fun time to reveal it for the this is a good industry platform that people can now know that the project x so it's project xx it's project xx which i mean how did we not get either vin diesel or Ice Cube involved in this. I know. Right? Yeah. Well, I mean, that would have been Project XX, Triple X, Triple X. Yes. Which is now the seven X's.

State of the party. What's that? If you do put out a poster that says Project XX, it's going to be pretty easy for people to put a circle around those two Xs and then put a little frowny face so that it does look like the Xs are eyes and it is a dead face.

Ooh. Oh, no. You mean like people are not going to, people are just weighing in early. Well, what if he died from the movie being so good, so like funny? What if he died

because the movie's so funny and he partied too much is that i just thought that's clear in the graffiti hey well we should do that on the posters preemptively yeah like get ahead of it like um like gaffigan like m&m yeah like we can just make it like like just write pre-printed graffiti on it. Just like. Yeah. And what if we have some of the graffiti be like, like one is kind of like, I don't know about this show, bro. And then someone else will write something like, I saw six episodes. I work in the industry. I saw six episodes.

It's a cool show. Yeah. it's a cool show like those real deadline comments that are just put up by uninterested parties that say pump for this everyone involved is a true talent so you're talking about

flipping it on them like Evan Emdett with that leave it to be the line I'm sorry we just sort of blew past that comment is that what you're saying? yeah where he said it he said before they could say it yeah where he said it yeah he said before they could say it okay and he flipped it on him so you're gonna flip it on him by being like we think this show is really good yes they can't get out and say it first yes they'll be

getting ready to write something and then they'll be hearing the guy already say that he saw he got a screener of six episodes that and it actually is pretty good. Yeah, he'll say, like, I got a Pix account, watch six rough cuts. It's really legit funny. I'm always surprised at some of those Deadline comments. Just that there are so many people who, with nothing to gain, want to support and say that someone is a true talent, one of the best guys in town. Yes. That they deserve this if it's a big opportunity.

And vice versa, when agents switch agencies, I'm surprised how many people know whether it's actually not a loss for the agency that lost them. Because, in fact, that agent is just a loser. So anyway, Tom, yeah, we were working on this. We weren't that. We were in discussion of this. I don't want to say that this was like a front burner project for me. For me, it was a little more

front burner, but I know you're at different... We're all at different points. We go up and we go down. We go up and we go down. Speaking of agencies, have you guys been to CIA lately? No. What's happening there?

It's a ghost town, Tumbleweed's. There's nobody there? Yes, there wasn't a single person. I mean, I checked the women's bathroom, of course, when I heard that you might be in New York. But then I went to check CAA just because I know that you like the coffee bean there. Oh, okay. I thought you, did you check the women's bathroom at CAA as well? Sure.

Well, I was there already. You just went over there? Yeah, I've been in there. Well, you're here today. Yes. Yeah, I'm here. You're here today. Yeah.

Why? Because simple. because simple i've always held to the philosophy that if you're going to nine to five it there's always some kid in a garage out in toledo who's still working while you're resting on your laurels and that's how you lose the race so i'm working on a sunday to make this pitch because I want basically there are points in life when you realize you got to go for it. Right. You just got to say, you know, just F it. I can remember one. What's that?

I can remember one point in my life like that where I was like, I got to go for it. What was that? I really wanted to get into Princeton, but my grades weren't necessarily good enough. So I turned my parents' house into a brothel and I invited a bunch of prostitutes there. And then I had the dean over for an interview at the same time. And my friend Booger also crashed my car into the water. And how was

that going to get you into Princeton? Why don't you ask my degree? Hey, how do the eggs work, you guys? How to... Like Tom?

Like how Tom used to be eggs? No, I'm over that whole thing. If I'm making an egg... You're over that? Why are you over that? I can't even find it in the rear view, Albrecht. Well, you're making eggs? Well, hypothetically, if I was going to make an egg,

is the pan got to be hot first? It doesn't have to be hot first necessarily, but at some point it does have to become hot. Oops. Oops? Okay. It's just never going to be hot the way you're doing it i gotta find a hot piece for it okay and then what's going on in terms of you don't want to add to be sticky on

there um you gotta do what splash of oil or sticky on where uh the cold pan or oh no the pan has to get hot see that's what yeah so that's the thing you're using a cold pan and you have to find some kind of way to make it hot now but i'm making it hot is it gonna be sticky yeah it's gonna be a little sticky but you can use a little oil or butter or something what kind of egg are you trying to make? Let me see what it says. What the egg says? Yeah. Hello, egg.

I'm just shaking it near my ear. It sounds like there's a dragon in there. A dragon? I think, yeah. Pretty big. Can't just be a bird. But you want to cook it. Yeah, I got to cook it.

Okay, well, let me know if you... How do I not make it go sticky? Well, the sticky thing that we took care of a little bit ago with the, remember that we talked about the oil and butter? Or not both, just either one. Or I guess you could do both. Okay. Something heavy?

Nothing should really be heavy while you're doing this. You hearing that? I'm hearing you try to pick up something really heavy, and that just doesn't seem right for what you're trying to do. Oh, you never had big eggs? Oh, that's right. I forgot the egg is a huge dragon egg. Yeah.

Okay, so it's turning colors, and I put it on a pan so tom tom looks mad tom is getting i gotta say this feels like some weird kind of uh distraction from what i'm trying to say here um i can listen and cook eggs. I just need to know how they work. You don't know how to make an egg. There you go. That sounds like a crackling egg. What is that, Sean? Huh?

What is that noise? That's the sound of the egg, and it's changing colors, and it it's two of them and they're making friends on the pan like one big one unless i had leftover potatoes from my dinner last night so sean i mean no offense no offense bro um i'm trying to do something here with haze i want you to hear this not to be so much a part of it so why don't you no offense once you focus on your fucking eggs lay back and listen to what i'm saying to haze okay i'm kind of being quiet actually uh if you're well you're not doing a very good job at it. Okay. Oops.

All right, go ahead. Okay, I do think that this is... He's being aggressive. Yeah, you know what he's being? I think he feels threatened. No, he's being a real asshat. And now that's Deadpool's word, and that's a word that we can just throw around ourselves because... Well, I'm trying to work it into my thing

because it's very contemporary. Well, if you're trying to summon Deadpool to the podcast, good luck, buddy. I've been down that road before. So go ahead and say your thing. Be quiet. Everybody is going to say something so cool and interesting. I can't wait to fucking hear it, man.

Yeah, why don't you eat your eggs and just listen, okay? Oh, I will. wait to fucking hear it, man. Yeah, why don't you eat your eggs and just listen, okay? Oh, I will. Yeah, well, start. Guys, come on. I don't want this to be... I don't even know what this is. No, this is perfect.

This is perfect that this is happening. Okay. Because it's drawing very distinct lines between what is and what could be okay okay yes i don't fully understand but well you're gonna understand okay it's just such a long lead up to this i wasn't making eggs he was that's why it's a long lead up we listened for 40 minutes trying to figure out how to make the pan not sticky. Is that how long of your time to cook them? Yeah, cook them for

40 minutes. No, Sean, he's trying to kill you. Eat them right off the thing with no forks, no nothing. Just go like pie eating contest style. Eat the eggs that way, right on the stove. No, Sean, Tom is trying to make you die.

He's trying to make you die, Sean. Okay. Okay. The egg is becoming very strong. Okay. I want to know where he got the eggs, but I also want to know what you have to say. Okay.

Tom, why don't you take your turn and maybe you can find that out later. Sure. You've been here in New York City, the Big Apple. Yes. We've worked together on Project XX. Yes. I will say this, I guess I'm now, this experience here in New York City now is very different from the one I was having before when you tricked me again into thinking I was in New York City

when I was actually in the women's bathroom at Earwolf Studios. Yeah. And I thought it was New York. No, but you're definitely. There was a pizza in there. Here, open that window and listen to some of the sounds of New York. Okay. I'm opening the window.

Yeah. There's like a bird. Yeah. Watch it. You hear that? Oh, yeah. The bird was like an italian like a rude italian bird oh wow the famous new york car jay farrow see oh don pardo's voice echoing on the wind hi it's me ale me, Alec Baldwin. Excuse me, sir. Do you have these bathing suits in like a teal? That's where are you?

Are you shopping for a bathing suit? Well, if they have it in my color. Yeah. Where were you making eggs? At the store? Oh, yeah. Just in the bathroom of a Filene's. So,

you're here. New York City, the most vibrant, alive city ever. Can I try it on if I keep my underwear on? You can come in with me. Pot him down. He does like being there by himself with

just new clothes that are strangers to him i feel like would you come in with me what is his problem you just i think you just i think you just have to power through it because i think he is threatened by you because as you know he didn't really like that grease knows that he's got a lot of attention no that's like the biggest episode of hollywood handbook by like a hundred miles and it tends to the episodes that i have done with just you yeah tend to huge to make pod mass at least i don't know if that makes it but that's east coast coming through that's what i'm trying to tell you you're not you're not hollywood hayes you come here you start doing this i am hollywood you start racking up the pod mass

yeah comments yeah you're just you're just lining them up now. It's like you're like the John Williams of Podmass. Okay. With the amount of awards you've gotten. Right. Can you zip me up? Can you zip me up? Oh, that's nice. John, does your bathing suit have a zipper?

Are you sure that's a bathing suit? In the back, yeah. Okay. How far down your leg does it go? Are you swimming? What? How far down your leg does this bathing suit go? Well, there's a slit up the side that ends right at my hip bone.

You're sure that's not an evening gown? I don't think so. I mean... Does it have straps that go over your shoulder? They crisscross over the back, yeah. And then the bottom sort of zips up. But I guess if you go swimming in it,

then it is... Anything... It swims in. Yeah, well, I'm having them run a tub for me to get in and just sort of anything swims in it. I'm having them run a tub for me to get in and just sort of see how it moves. Sure. Will you do that?

These eggs keep fucked up. This is... I should be there because he kind of needs me. He doesn't need you. Well, based on what I'm hearing now, he's just kind of wandering, sort of unleashed on a Sunday. And normally it's better for me to be there.

Here's how... A gentle hand on the wheel. This can't be good. This can't be right, this act. You guys doing tricks? You belong here. LA did not work for you the way New York's been working for you. Okay.

You came here. You started racking up these podcast appearances. And Podmas noticed. Yeah. It has blown up for you since you've been here but and i feel like we you and i have really stumbled upon something great where the beatles for example had like a like a like a pete best yeah right who was seemed fine at the time uh-huh made sense everybody was just like oh which one's your favorite view i like george i like paul i like pete sir would you

try these eggs please and tell me if they seem crazy to you okay i think yeah zip me up first all right take a big spoon yeah it burns right yeah sorry guys go ahead okay I think I think I see what you mean and we did have a nice thing here or wherever we recorded

some good episodes everyone loves you in New York yeah I guess the only time we had an episode get ruined was here. But in general, yeah, everything was good. Yeah. Everything was great. You come here, next thing you end up on the vulture list.

Right. That's right. That did happen while I was here. Are you saying that was you? That's East Coast Media, bro. But you're saying you were responsible? Look, did I write that thing? No, I didn't.

Did I make it happen? Maybe. So you're saying you put our show on the list. You got our show on the list. I took Best Show off the list. You took Best Show off the list and got our show on the list. You got our show on the list. I took my show off the list. You took best show off the list and got our show on. Did you get comedy

bang bang and how did this get made on there? Well, no. Does this leave full of work on bugs? No. What does what? Wait, Sean, what are you shopping for? To make a big pile. Oh, he's trying to blow away a big pile of bugs.

I'm actually really glad he's taking care of this. He's showing a remarkable amount of personal responsibility because when I tell him to do it, he's like, I'll get to it, I'll get to it. But now I think he wants a nice surprise for me when I get back that the pile is gone. This is why... And it's normal gas that i use

to fill it up make it have powers uh-huh yeah so what was the comedy how did you get the comedy bag bag oh they got on they got they got themselves on that's just the usual kind of like multinational corporation uh manipulating a media outlet that's how they got on but i got on just by kind of working it and saying yeah this is important to me oh man these eggs are starting to kick in oh brother he's tripping out of the eggs hollywood handbook i want it on and they did it that guy put it on he said jesse david fox he said who should we take off he said i can't take makes you smaller Yeah. So you're here for a reason. Yeah.

You found the real you. Okay. No offense to Sean. Sean's insanely great. I love Sean so much. Yeah. So much. But he's like Pete Best.

Uh-huh. Or the other one, Stuart Sutcliffe. Yeah. Yeah. And you're ready to just join you're ready to step up well you say you like Sean now on the show but I mean we do try to be transparent on here and

when we would finish recording you would talk about Sean and you would say mean things you'd say he smells where do you keep your 21 pilot cds uh-huh i just wouldn't have to stress out if i could turn back time i just fucking like they're so good is this what you want your future to be what this thing that i'm hearing yeah well this is like his you know sunday fun day okay i'm telling you this isn't every day he straight up fye

they sell leaf blowers at fye yeah like kind of keychain ones okay gas powered straight up i'm making a play here okay you stay here do hollywood handbook from here uh-huh you what about sean and sean comes here too no no we're gonna move sean into like a like a brian wilson sid Barrett kind of role where we're just going to politely transition him one step away. Sean does live in a sandbox currently. So the Brian Wilson aspect of that could be very perfect sense. Fun for him.

Yeah. He'll love it. Look, this is best for everybody. It really is. i think you're holding him back sometimes sure people say that online and i wonder if this is what they what they mean think of what we can do here in new york you're in new york city you got the election coming up, and if it's going to be Trump versus Hillary, that's a New York election.

Oh, yeah. Right? What is it called, fishing tackle? I don't want to tackle the fish. I want to catch him with the reel. This is going to occupy him for a little while, so this is actually a good time to continue this conversation i i i have always been saying that the show should go to where the two people in the presidential

election are from yeah that does make the most logical sense you crack it open right would this have to become hollywood well well i feel like with the elections based out of new york this is hollywood sure okay i guess that is the official definition of hollywood it's wherever the action is yes and if you're here and the election's here and i'm here yeah this is where the action is. Uh-huh. But can I, you have a show. Yeah, I do. You have the best show. That will end.

I'm not doing it anymore. The best show is over. It is over. I'm making a play. Uh-huh. This is how serious I am about this. Okay. I'm switching everything over.

Hollywood Handbook East. assignment about this okay i'm switching everything over hollywood handbook east and then in parentheses it's going to say big apple bible so we don't get rid of the we have a new title but it's just kind of sitting there waiting to be used if it needs to be yes aka big apple bible and then the logo we're gonna get rid of the ron howard thing on it it'll be uh marty oh it's gonna be marty now yeah okay that ron howard one is stuck on there pretty good yeah so we'd have to do it over the ron howard one and we don't actually have a note from marty that says oh i'll make that thanks this hell i'll make that happen okay i'll i've taken everything from the best show yeah it is all current as i as we speak everything is being turned

to hollywood hamburg east slash big apple bible you started you set this in motion already well in motion now what does that involve the turning a podcast to do another podcast okay the so your your corporate attorneys are working on yes they're setting it up and they are not cheap free kite up in that tree all i gotta do is climb up there and I'm golden. He's making me miss him. I'm sorry. No, this is like exhibit A for why this has to happen. No, it's not.

That's not how I feel about it. Okay. I like how curious he is. A lot of people would just let that kite go. But he kind of wants to see what it's all about. Ranch. Yeah. Wait a minute.

One element. Not a kite. You're a bead nest. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, okay. You're a bee's nest. Whoa! Okay. Once I stay inside here, they probably can't find me. I think he's probably in a bear cave.

Who is it? Someone's knocking on the door. Okay, it's not bees, right? One element. All right, come on in. Ah! It was a bear. One element that I think can be very fortuitous for us with this upcoming election uh-huh you know about this whole

thing the whole trump bernie thing the show oh yes right yes yes the the trump versus bernie tour yeah yes so what i figure What I figure, if James Adomian can't pull together a Hillary impression in time, I'm going to coach you to do the Hillary and get you to be the top indie Hillary impersonator. Okay. And then we'll pair you with Anthony, the guy who's doing the Trump one. Adamaniac? Atamanic. Atamanic.

Oh, you're here. So you were paying attention. Yeah, I made friends with the bear from The Revenant. You guys like that reference? The reference of The Revenant? No, I do like it. It's extremely current. Yes.

Is it just mentioning that comedic? Just knowing there was a bear in it? Yeah, pretty funny. Anyway, I was just hearing you, Anthony, I love doing he's doing the Trump stuff. What were you guys talking about? Well, that I feel like Hayes can kind of slide into the Hillary

role for the general election. Oh, Hayes, that could be great for you! Yeah. Thank you, Sean. I mean, I always try to encourage you when you've got something that you want to do that could sort of expand your brand.

I mean, you should get out there and do more. Hang on. That is not. Is that another kite? Oh, that one's definitely a kite. Be right back, guys. Got to climb. I guess he's.

But he is bringing his phone. He's probably got it in his little hip pouch. Sure. So you're offering to be my coach. Yeah. And put it... What was it? The bag of cappuccino potato chips.

Is it unopened or just the bag? And Sean forgot that he has a specific catchphrase. I don't think so. Yes, that's what he says when he sees the cappuccino potato chips. It's really the only one he has at this point because he got rid of his other one.

And it seems like he forgot to do it at first. But then he remembered. I guess I kind of never tried these. I just assumed they were so gross. Hmm. Yeah. Hmm. He's going to think about it.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll bankroll it. I'll put a team. Is it going to take a lot of money to oh yeah to get you to get you up to speed as hillary yeah i just never got the impression that trump versus bernie even was like uh this is big stage stuff high cost this is gonna be high this is gonna be high cost oh we're introducing a big money element to this well it's gonna's going to be. I'm hoping to stage these in amphitheaters against the debates, the actual debates.

Oh, wow. And then see if people can tell the difference. Okay. And ours will be on television or they will not? No, yours will be also. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then we'll quiz people after to see if they could tell the

difference yeah okay yeah hey i don't know where i am now sean what's the matter buddy where'd you go but i don't know where i am where did you walk out of filings which way did you walk Which way did you walk? Front. Front. Okay, so he went across the street. I went front, ahead, towards the middle. Why do you think this is charming, what he's doing?

Don't you see how this is holding you back? He's a little adventurer. He likes to go on these little adventures. He's an asshat. Come on. Deadpool only says that to his worst enemy, the normal guy who he hates. Whose name he wrote out in all those comics. Francis.

Francis. He hates Francis. Now, Francis is the original. He can't feel it when you're beating him up, which makes him almost invincible. See, you know, when you call him an asshat, you're comparing him to that. I'm running right now. That douche nozzle Francis.

Sean, don't run, okay? Run. No, run. No, Sean. Run. Slow down. Hey, Sean, it's Hayes. No, that's not me, and you know that's not what I sound like.

Hey, Sean, it's Hayes. I want you to run now. Okay, I'm running. Hey, Sean, it's Hayes. I want you to run now. Okay, I'm running. Hey, Sean, it's Hayes. Won't you see how many times you could punch yourself in the face? No, Sean, don't do that. Now it's... How hard?

As hard as it can be. Hey, you still got that pan you were cooking the eggs with? No, I don't know where I left it. Hey, you see anything like a... He's been holding so much stuff. Hey, it's Hayes again. You see anything you can crawl into, like a sewer or anything? Sounds like a...

There's a church. Like one of Cleveland's kids. Don't go into the church. Sean, run in slow motion, okay? Pretend to be a slow guy. Tom, don't tell him not to go in the church hey hey go in not really believable hey sean it's hayes go in that church okay now he's gonna start a fight about you know how he feels about religion the kind of

conversations he likes to get into hey everybody oh My bullshit detector is going off. Very good. He was thrusting his hips. Church. Tell him it's all... Take one of those wafers. Oh, yeah. Tell him the whole fairy tale thing.

It's Sunday morning. What is it, a birdbath? Well, why don't I get in there and splash around? Because I'm the freaking Golden Eagle. Hey, get your hands off of me. You know that you guys have killed more people than all wards combined? It's not those guys, John. It's not...

Yeah, that's right. You. Hey, Al. Hey, what's this? Hey, what are you doing? Hey. Hey, stop. Hey, stop meeting my anger with kindness.

Hey, quit softening me. Of course I felt that way. Lost. Like there's no answers. Like nothing at the point. Oh, come on. You can't solve that. Now he's being gently brought into their religion.

So it seems like it's worked against you, Dob. It seems like they've successfully tamed him. Well, sure. Sean? Everyone needs a moral code, and love is an appropriate response to almost anything. What are you... Why?

What are you driving at? For me, he did that? For my sins? Yiko, Maikoiko that's awful generous and now I worry this is going to swing too far the other way a nice middle ground would have been probably best for the show

you don't deserve this Hayes okay this is not what a co-host should give you you're saying he's too good for me no he's just not you're carrying this whole no. He's just not. You're carrying this whole thing. Is that a ladder in that dumpster?

I wonder how high it would bring me. Seems like he's moved on. Hey buddy, why don't you climb up that ladder? It's haze. Sure, haze. Thanks. And then when you get to the top of it, climb like two invisible rungs past it. Okay.

I think I see what you're getting at. That would crack everybody up. Jump up to the... There's an invisible ladder hanging above it about 10 feet. Jump up and grab the bottom of it. Okay. I'm running again. Okay.

I couldn't have stopped him from doing any of these things anyway. And you said there's two more rungs? I'm the visible one, huh? About five feet up. If you get all the way at the tippy top, then jump. I don't feel it yet. Jump! You were right.

Yeah. Oh, wow, where does this go? He has these kind of Looney Tunes powers where... It's sort of a combination of Looney Tunes and Sphere where he can manifest whatever he truly believes in. The climate. Wow. Nobody's ever been up here before.

You can see the whole city. That's where me and Hayes used to go and get mochaccino frappe latte drinks. That's what it calls. Any coffee? Uh-huh. Just any kind of coffee.

This is where you belong. That's the t-shirt factory where me and Hayes tried to launch our funny t-shirts. We did, uh, it's making me remember

we had Rasta Stewie. We can do funny t-shirts here. And, uh, a bazinga, but it was like bananas. It was like banana zinga. We can do that here.

I don't know if we can. Let me think of a funny t-shirt. Like a minion or something? That's pretty good. I mean, the minion should be combined with something like smoking weed or like it should have big tits or something like what if it's like a minion what if it's like a bong shaped minion uh i guess if it's like kind of leaning over

into the bottom of the t-shirt like it wants to suck my dick or something like that could be kind of funny like it's like like it's like trying to unzip my pants or something like that i get i could see that being a funny t-shirt but i also feel like i'm going most of the way on that well what about this then a shirt that has hands on it makes it look like you're pulling your shirt apart and underneath it reveals you're a minion okay but i don't know how that would necessarily it just that i'm wearing like suspenders underneath yeah i don't know if that part of a minion's anatomy is gonna be is gonna read through so clearly you know what i mean it

is harder than i thought it was if it's just like the chest area I mean? It is harder than I thought it was. If it's just the chest area. You're right. This is harder than I thought it was. Yeah. Guys, I'm just tuning back into you, what you're doing. I'm in a bank. He's in a bank.

What I'm hearing is a real misunderstanding of what sells Minion. You kind of need to see from belly button down or from I want to say neck up even though they don't have

a neck. Anything between is just like a yellow egg basically. Okay. Look, I said it was harder than it was. I couldn't do it off the top of my head i think deadpool could be bursting out of there for sure oh no and be like i'm like twice the three tights a lady i cannot believe my luck i'm gonna get you kite. Oh, he saw a third. He keeps saying he's at another kite.

And this is a third kite. But the first two were not kites. No, they were not. So this would actually be the first kite. Yeah. If it is, which I don't, I think it probably is not. It's not that lucky a Sunday for him so far. But that's what I love, Tom, is that he thinks it's a lucky Sunday,

even though he gets all the way up these trees and it's never a kite. That's the secret, Tom. It never ends up being a kite. He's going to say what it is right now. I don't have much. This is a notebook. It says Tom's plan.

I know Tom. He's a friend of mine. Tom's plan. Get hands down the rail yard. Say you sold jewels. Say that you had rubies because you know Sean's scared of him. He won't go. Tom's plan Tom White is this your this sounds this is Bible

this sounds just like your plan why is it in a tree in Los Angeles wait a minute Big Apple Bible that's a good idea for a show.

Wait a minute. He means my hate. Oh, wait a minute. This is a cool drawing. It's also, I guess, possible that he ran. He's fighting with freaking weasels.

That's bad. Turn the page. It's a house. You see the house? with friggin' weasels. Look, turn the page. Uh-huh. It's a house. You see the house? Uh-huh. You see the plane over the top firing single-line bullets?

Uh-huh. Now look underneath that. There's like a spiral. Just stare into it. Okay. Like really stare into it. Okay. Like really stare into it. I'm seeing it. I mean, it doesn't really do anything for all your manual commands.

Okay, yeah. That's why I got a notebook out in Los Angeles. Oh, okay. Because you knew that Sean would think it was a kite. Yeah. Because just by virtue of it being in a tree. Isn't that right, Minion Sean? It is.

Now you've turned Sean into a Minion. He's a Minion now. And he loves banana. Yeah. Yeah. So he's out of the picture. You and I, Big Apple Bible, we do it here. I'll tell you this, and I know we're not supposed to put these cards on the table.

I've leveraged myself up, down, every which way. I don't have two cents to my name now in the money I've spent trying to make this happen between the lawyers and getting the sign changed from best show to hollywood handbook east and then in parentheses big apple bible and then i have a sign that's going to just say big apple bible formerly hollywood handbook east and then one that just says big apple bible wait so your your your plan is to get rid of hollywood handbook all together well we're going to face through handbook no shot don't you get rid of hollywood handbook hey together well we're gonna face through it handbook no shot don't you get rid of all the handbook hey punch yourself in the face okay missed yeah he's not good at

keeps missing okay yeah we'll tire himself out at least so between the sign change and i've already bought some of the wardrobe for this hillary thing okay and i've already hired uh what is some like what would some like pants suits and stuff okay that sounds like all of it but in your size though and the wigs and the yeah that's the whole thing okay that really sounds like everything is there like are you planning more i've got a bill clinton i'm working up a guy to be a bill clinton okay yeah so i've got him he's already working on it right now oh wow who's gonna do wait who's gonna do bill clinton who's gonna do bill clinton yeah andy milanakis that sounds good he does like his impressions are just off the charts.

Oh, okay. Excuse me, sir. Can you fill this prescription that was in the sleeve of my friend Tom's notebook? Yeah, it's for butt pills. Oh, no. It's wearing off. I guess it don't work that good. It's wearing off.

Wait, Tom, what are these butt pills? No, this is him zinging me. There's no prescription for butt pills in there. He's talking to a... It's a real prescription. He's talking to a pharmacist and he said it's a real prescription. No, the spell broke and he's giving me the business. This is him pulling a Popeye now getting strong. And this will make it work so good again, not be so stinky? Yeah, this is him okay pulling a popeye now getting and this will make it work so good again not be so

stinky yeah this is him wait tom your butt stinks well played sean but is that true no it's not true but you know it is true sean you lost you lost wait a second you lost you have to do it haze i don't know i I don't know. I just don't know if I want to get into business with someone whose butt stinks. It's not true. He's making up the prescription. Uh-huh, and he has to take them in his butt, too. He can't, like, eat them, and it fixes it.

This isn't true. Uh-huh, okay, so then I guess I need a bunch of these special gloves, too. Uh, Tom, I think I gotta go gotta go no this guy is an asshat haze he's an asshat who do you want to be with somebody who got somebody who had to go to try to get their deadpool cup they had to go to four different things or someone who knew how to get theirs's the first time you have a deadpool glass i went back twice here unwrap that wait so you were the one who kept sean from getting his deadpool glass i thought that was deadpool himself no i went to bethesda to get mine deadpool might have been in los angeles messing with sean okay unwrap that that little package over there okay yeah

yeah oh my god it's a real deadpool glass yeah and it's signed read the signature it's signed your friend deadpool yeah but read what he wrote he He wrote, Two Hays. Two Hays. You're not a douche nozzle. Wow. Your friend Deadpool. Your friend Deadpool. That's what you get if you come here to Big Apple Bible. Hey, guys.

I mistakenly walked to a really busy area of people, so if I'm being more quiet now, it's just because I got real shy. You know, Tom, I think I, people so if i'm being more quiet now it's just because i got real shy you know tom i think i um i think i have a friend who would really like this uh and he he's he's back in hollywood and he uh and he needs me no don't do this to me and his butt smells normal don't do this to me and uh and i've leveraged everything he needs me and i need him i've got nothing if you if you leave if you walk out that door hayes i've got nothing tom i uh don't ruin me like this still Still feeling shy. I love what's going on for you guys, but... Oh, do I get a juice? Oh, no, that's crowded.

I, um... You can't. Your future is here. Sean, listen to this buffoon. Oh, he's just a little shy. I mean, I think maybe he thought he was gonna do some stuff with some people. Yeah. I guess it's so busy.

Maybe if it were just me and, like, a person behind a counter, I would ask them to talk to you guys. But in front of all the customers, I get too shy. This sucks. Tom, I guess there's only one thing I can say. What's that? There's something I can't give you. No.

And that's the pro version. So Tom Sharpling is the winner of the pro version. No, I don't want the pro version. Congratulations, Tom. On Hollywood Handbook West, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. You guys, I am not making this up. I just walked by a Sklar.

That's the kind of thing that there are no Sklars here, Tom. You can give me everything, the late night snacks and the mean bird. But you can't give me any squars. I know one of them. I can get them to try to find the funny here. I know I can get them to try to find the funny. They already found the funny in Buffalo, Tom. They're not going to come back to New York.

They already did the whole Buffalo Wings thing. Don't do this to me. Don't you do this to me. I have one thing left to come back to New York. They already did the whole Buffalo Wings thing. Don't do this to me. Don't you do this to me. I have one thing left to say to you, Tom. Don't you do this to me. Bye. Don't you do this to me. Don't you do this to me.

I said bye. Don't you do this to me. Don't. Don't. Studio, shut him off. Don't. do this to me. Don't. Don't. Dudio, shut him off. Don't. Slowly, slowly. Don't you do this to me.

Slowly turn his volume down, Dudio. I'll take you back with me. Don't you do this to me. Don't you do this to me. I got to walk all the way home now. Don't you do this to me. Come on, Dudio. Let's go. Don't you do this to me Come on, Dudio, let's go Don't you do this to me Dudio, you say bye to Tom

Bye, Tom Don't you do this to me Okay, I'm going to turn the train on So he slowly rolls away Don't you do this to me Don't you do this to me. Don't you do this to me. Don't you do this to me. Hey, I really did saw a squaw.

If only we'd been on that show before, I could have gotten him to get on the phone. Yeah. I can see how it would have been tough to explain to him in the moment that we are an Earwolf podcast, that he hasn't heard. I'm in the Near Wolf family. I'm doing one right now. Hey, Sean, I defeated Tom. Oh, thank you.

I'll see you soon, okay? Yeah, okay. Hey, probably sit down on the ground until I get back. Does that sound good? Do you have a juice yet? No, I wasn't able to get one. I got scared too much, people. Okay.

Probably just have a seat, and I'll be back in a few hours, okay? Okay. Gracias. Amigo. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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