Hollywood Handbook - B.J. Novak, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 12, 2014

Sean and Hayes start off the show by talking about social media, specifically what you should put as your occupation on Facebook and your bio on Twitter. Then, close friend B.J. NOVAK stops by to talk to the guys about pranking Usher, Punk'd, Celebrity Net Worth, and he pops into the Popcorn Gallery to discuss The Americans, #longhairdontcare, and John Candy. Also, tune in for The Amazing Spiderman and the Case of the Music Box Hostage Crisis!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Carlos and he goes to slap my hand away and I'm so fast I spun his hand around and choked him with his own hand and laid a tasty lick on his guitar what did it sound like and I sustained for a little while and there's a whammy bar on there and I go like it's talking and I'm freaking working the pedals now and he's almost passing out

but also he's rocking out and Carlos kind of bopping and then you know he said thank you and uh i don't know what happened with that song this was years ago hey welcome to hollywood what up what up guy did kicking button dropping names in the red carpet line back hallways of this industry we call showbiz uh look you think of Hollywood and you think movies, TV, film, and music. And it is all that stuff, but it's also increasingly about the internet. We talk about the internet a lot and we talk about social media, but what about Sean's and my social media presence. Yes. A lot of people, I think, in this business feel like their social media escape is for them. That they no longer have the responsibility that they have when they're out trying to make movies, write big jokes for the movie or exciting action for you to escape into.

They think, well, my Facebook page is for me, my family, my friends. That's a fool's attitude. It's so stupid and I'm so pissed to even think about people saying that. And I've heard someone say it and I'm not going to say his name, but I hope that he was JKing about this, Mr. Simmons. As a storyteller, entertainer, and producer of content, what do you consider your job if not to bring joy to people? And why would you just limit that to the movies and TV shows that you know, especially the people from back home who need it the most.

That is what we want to talk about today. It's a segment that we call My Electric Life. My Electric Life is where we talk about all kinds of technology. Computers are electric, like it or not. That's certainly the direction we're going. If they're not now, we're only a couple years out of computers being fully electrified. And when you're using electricity to use a computer and you're building a Facebook and Twitter profile, you need to do it for the people that you – there's always people that you left behind. When you come to Hollywood, you left behind your high school friends and the guys at the snack shop and all the people slaving away at the gunk factory or whatever.

at like the gunk factory or whatever, like those people are still there and you have a responsibility to give back to them while you're doing your thing in Hollywood. Picture this. You just worked a 15-hour shift at the gunk factory. Maybe, forget the gunk factory. You just crawled out from a pile of burning tires because you're the guy in the dump who, when they find out there's something inside the burning tires that's not supposed to be there, you have to go and get it.

You get it. You're burned. It hurts. You get out. You get in the tub. Okay. And you have to fill it with, like, tomato juice or something because there's the smell. Try and get the smell out.

The smell. Ugh, the smell. But it's inside you now. Never coming off. It's part of you. You wind up your electricity battery. You've made, like, something with, like, copper coils, and there's, like, a crank you have to pull. And that gives enough juice into your computer that you can get on

a facebook provided that it's a lightning storm yes um no we're assuming this is taking place in a thunderstorm um and you get on a facebook and do you want to see a bunch of photos of burning tires or do you want to see something where it's your friend, maybe Hayes, who you went to school with and it says, um, just bagged another one. And it's some very suggestive photos of Hayes and Courtney Thorne Smith. Right.

And we were friends. Yes. She's a movie star and we were friends. And when I post a picture of that on Facebook, you, for one second, the smell of burning tires is replaced by the smell of Courtney Fortin Smith's hair. And the implication, of course, being that Hayes porked that woman.

And maybe you're starting to put yourself in the position where you are porking a woman yourself. You can pretend that you did it. Maybe your hand starts to sort of slide downstairs. To grab a can of soda. Maybe there's a little stirring downstairs. And what a sweet experience that can be. Yes, what a brief moment of joy in your life, which is hard when you're the guy who crawls into the burning tires to get the thing out that's not supposed to be in there. Maybe it's a radio.

And thank you for doing that because otherwise that radio could probably melt just to nothing. Well, it'd explode or have a big blow up and we wouldn't be able to listen to music. And a lot of people ask us with these Facebook profiles, what do you put as your job? And that's actually a very good question. There's only one, there's only a small field where you can put in your job. You got to fill in what your occupation is on there. And I think that those informational things, when you are someone who people have a lot

of information about you, can be a place to really have fun. Yes, because the truth is, when they're looking at your job, they already know what it is. They know what you do. And so you can sort of play off your reputation in a fun way. Now, of course, when I was starting out, I had my employer was my agent for a long time. Sure. And that's when you're just... That's normal. Yes. When you're just starting out, you can absolutely do that.

Occupation client at CAA, WME, UTA. If it's not one of those three, probably just don't do it. Leave it be, yeah. Probably to say shit bird. Or, I mean, unless you're repped by bernie brilstein get his name out there so when you're starting out yeah you could do that but once people know who your agent is and what you do then you can do something kind of funny like even just playing off that you're just sort of a normal guy like just putting your occupation as like dad at my house yeah or um maybe your occupation is like

if you don't want to do something grounded like that playing off how normal you are which i think is really funny like my like occupation i might, I might say, like, chauffeur, if you ask my kids. You know? Or like, big chief butt wiper. Yeah, but you also could

do something so crazy that people know that's not your job. Yes. Maybe it's a really bad job, like the burning tire job you put as your own. That's kind of a fun

fucking wink at everybody. I might put, like, a rare bird trainer at Barnum's Zoo. You know, something where you go like, okay, where the frick did this guy come up with this stuff? Creating something, generating content. Yes, and it's an escape. Yes, a little writing, a little imagination. If you say you're a writer, then isn't that what you should, a little writing, a little imagination. If you say you're a writer, then isn't that what you should be doing is writing?

Mm-hmm. Maybe a job that you're like, would that even be a job? Like matchstick carver. Mm. Does someone do that? You know, I don't know. Something that makes people think like that can always be interesting and something that raises even more questions. We take so much for

granted. I don't want you to do that anymore. It also can be fun to draw on your influences. Like when you say that maybe your occupation is a spaceman spiff at space. Because, you know this about me, I calvin and hobbes and i think

it's so good and it has so many interesting messages about spirituality and the future and if more people would read it it seems if you knew the story of even how he got that mitt, do you ever wonder why it was a very big comic, but not everybody has a Calvin and Hobbes lunchbox? Think about that. All they have instead is pictures of Calvin peeing on something they don't like. Those are all illegal. Every one of those is illegal.

That's a knockoff, and it's not really Calvin. Every one of those, and college kids did it. And if you have one of those or if you see one, you must take it off. Every weekend, I go out to big parking lots, and I pull those stickers off of trucks. Get a portable hair dryer and blast it on the hottest setting onto that until it's stripped away forever and it can never be put back on. And a scalpel if you need to cut it off, so be it.

And if you break the window, you know what? Well, that person's breaking the law. So how am I the bad guy if I break a a window somebody who's breaking the law with their window and the when the cops come you should say good because this person violated a genius's rights good i'm glad you're here this this person's pissing on bill watterson by having calvin pissing on the usc logo because they're a bruin and I don't like it. USC any better than the next guy does. I fucking hate that shithole. Come on.

But there are better, more constructive ways to say it that don't involve taking somebody's precious creation and turning it into junk stickers. Have Garfield do it. Sure. That's no good? He can't piss on it? Is that not funny? Maybe he's lifting his leg That's not twice as funny

Maybe he's It's a sequence of Covenant Hobbs is not supposed to be funny He's digging He's like Scratching litter onto it After he's Done his business on it

I'm losing it Cracking up over that idea I mean That's so much funnier gosh i'm that's so funny the litter well what about twitter bios okay here's where a space where you want to mix. I like to call my Twitter bio two truths and a lie. Yes. Good. Speak of it.

So let's say you're George Lucas. So I kind of know what you do. So maybe you have the first two are like writer, or maybe not even writer, maybe storyteller. Yes. Picture taker, right? Because he uses camera because he's a director. So those two are real. Mr. Make-em-up.

Yeah. Okay. So Mr. Make-em-up, you know, behind the camera guy or whatever. So there's two things there. And then the third one, they're set up now. They go, oh, this guy's telling me what he really does. They are set up for a wallop. A true walloping.

Because you've been rocked to sleep with those first two things, and you think it's time to go beddy-bye. And just as you're dozing off, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, don't hit snooze. This alarm is here to wake you up for good. And he's going to tell you, okay, and he's gonna tell you okay so it's mr make him up uh behind the camera dude and inventor of tabasco sauce yes you know what a fucked up

piece of weird shit it's like i'm pretty sure he didn't do that. And I'm pretty sure I can't even imagine that. It's got to be a list. Must be a list. A list of things. And you actually don't have to put inventor of Tabasco sauce. You could put something

where it's like, these are the jobs I do, but here's something about me. And you might just go, and not to stay on hot sauce, but you might just go, picture taker, writer man, I put sriracha on frigging everything.

Yeah, something that's not even a job. But maybe you put sriracha on everything. You're reading that. You go, holy fuck, me and George Lucas are eating the same sauce. My format is a little different. I start with the two truths also at the beginning where i say writer actor or producer director you just i pick two things and i do that and then i start them down the garden path of say writer actor joker smoker oh like from the song the what the uh yes yes yes yes the um

oh no no no um this the song with the you know yeah yeah the guitar is yes yes I'm yes he's he's yes to say it again smoker joker joker smoker joker smoker yes yes yes

but then I'll do I'll save the twist for the end because now they think I'm just going to continue the real words for the song. The lyrics, yeah. Joker, Smoker, Midnight Owl Roker. And then. I've literally never seen that. And it's fun. It's for fun. You do these things for fun, and you're supposed to have fun.

It's not supposed to be just so serious all the time. It's about making people happy. I actually just got scared because I thought, I'm so glad I didn't read your bio when driving and then I really got scared because I have so much... It can really be very dangerous and you should never read ever read a book or anything while you drive. I

would also say that even in you going writer-actor that for actor, there might be a way to say that that's not so like I'm an actor. Sure. Plays pretend. Word speaker. Yeah.

Line memorizer. You know. Human prop. It's kind of simple. Yeah. Writer is the same thing. To say what it really is, which is slave at the blank page. That's what you are every morning.

You wake up. That's who I work for. That's my boss. And I'll tell you something. You might think your boss is hard on you. He got nothing on Mr. BP. Every morning I wake up. Not the oil spill guy, the blank page.

He says, hey, can you step into my office for a second? And I, you know, theoretically step into his office, and he says, I'm actually really going to tear you a new one today. And that's exactly what he does. He proceeds to truly tear me a new one throughout the day. Our guest today is BJ Novak. You know him from writing books and from being in the movies and being on the TV show Office Space. And he is going to be in here and he's going to tell stories from his experience.

Coming right up on Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. Hyper Parabo. Good handbook. Hyper, parabo, and like, I think you should use your nine iron to get on the green. And they say, I think you should use mine iron in your green, right there in the sand trap. Oh, it's a guy. It was crazy. And we were part of a foursome. We were just paired up.

It was wild. Sex, yeah. Hey! What up, what up? Here comes Hazel Shona Oh, Hazel Shona friend of ours from way back, when you were first starting, when you were just a baby. And it's so fun to see you now and all you've accomplished. BJ Novak is here. Star of The Amazing The Amazing Spider-Man 2, which is in theaters now. Thank you. I feel that people are disinclined to praise it as amazing because they feel it's redundant, but it is an amazing movie. It is an amazing movie.

I'm grateful that you made it clear that you separately call it amazing. And so many movies are scared to say how good they, or bad they are in the title. To say anything about the quality. Just say it. Yeah, and I enjoyed this movie that you were in,

but I thought it should have been called Saving the Amazing Mr. Banks. Sure, or The Amazing Saving Mr. Banks. Oh, yeah, that works too. Because Mr. Banks, I wouldn't say was amazing. He was a very flawed figure in the movie, both symbolically and in actuality. I didn't get that from it. No? What did you get from it?

Mr. Banks seemed so amazing to me. Okay, great. I feel that the point of that movie was to continue the thread that you were suggesting. It should have been the amazing save Mr. Banks. Okay. And it's okay to disagree. BJ, we know you, and we can talk like this because we were such good friends from the early days, and I think back to this so often, when we were just a bunch of kids, you were

sort of a kid, and we were just pulling bunch of kids you were sort of a kid and we were just just pulling pranks in Hollywood part of that sort of underground on celebrities prank scene yes we would trick somebody into thinking they had hurt someone like Jessica Biel they were losing something

valuable yeah someone that they loved had been hurt you made Jessica Biel think that she cut one of your fingers off. And I would run around screaming and shooting blood. In some ways, I think that was the beginning of sort of my Banksy stuff that I wound up doing, was that whole scene that we were in. Just generally keeping people on their toes. Yeah.

We loved doing that with you. What were some of your favorite early pranks that we would pull? Well, we did the prank when Hilary Duff wanted her learner's permit. We played a very funny prank on her with a written exam that I later suggested we do on the show Punk'd, which obviously became a sticking point with the three of us, as an actual episode. There was something we did with Usher, where I had the idea that the three of us convinced Usher that his young female cousin had shoplifted. That was, I thought, very funny and also an important lesson about family.

And racial profiling. Because she ended up not having shoplifted, but people thought that she did. an important lesson about family. And racial profiling. Well, because she ended up not having shoplifted, but people thought that she did. Well, the store clerk, it was an African American owned and themed store. If there was racism,

I would say it was that there was a theme of a specific race. But isn't that a powerful message? You know, how so just people sort of turning on their own. Well, but the store was owned by a white man. It was an African-American theme store owned by a white man. That's a third lesson. There's a lot of layers to the lesson because also, like, what's his problem?

Well, I don't know what he's overcompensating for. It was a very crass business decision, though, clearly. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't want to touch on the Donald Sterling stuff, but it does make you think about it a little bit. It's on all of our minds. Mm-hmm.

What, and we talked about this at the time, what fed into the decision for you and Ashton to sort of split off and profit from something that for us for so long was just about fun and about the pranks. About the artistry of just pranking and misleading. Well, I'll be honest, money. I mean, money is what drives all three of us exclusively. And love, but it's love for money. So it's all money.

I thought I could make money. And you have and and i made a great deal of money acting on on eight episodes of punk a tremendous amount but more than that it it earned me interest yeah do you know what i mean this is what a lot of people don't understand this is a great holly tip. When you make money from before, from the money, then later, afterwards, it's more. I always say it's not about the $8,000 I made on Punk'd. It's about the

$80 I made in the following year from my savings account. It's about the $160 that I had made two years down the line. And of course, then you take out the taxes, but you're not really playing the who's making more money game if you factor in taxes. So I don't. But it's really, it's not just the money. I also do it for the interest on the money. Does that make sense? Yes. I'm picking that up. And the who's making more money, I totally

agree. Taxes don't count. It just gets in the way when you're talking about that stuff. I subscribe to Parade Magazine independently of any newspaper, which was a very complicated deal to work out. They don't have that option on their website. They have the newspaper shaking firm so that the Parade Magazine falls out, and then they can bring it to you. It was very complicated for me to get a subscription solely to Parade Magazine. But I did it because of one issue that I probably, I'm laughing at myself here, could have got on eBay later, which is the what people earn issue.

I love what people earn. Imagine the impact of factoring after taxes into what people earn. The whole issue would diminish. What would there even be to dream of in that issue? Right. It says Sandra Bullock made $18 million after taxes and commissions instead of $51 million. There's nothing fun about $18 million. No.

Okay. That's great. Obviously, it's a lot of money to a lot of people, but it's not – then you compare it to past years. What's the point? That really pisses me off, the idea of someone doing that. And when I go to Celebrity Net Worth, I'm not sure what they are doing with some of that tax stuff. Because some of those numbers seem awfully low. And some seem awfully high.

But they're true. You just have to rely. You know they're true. It's Celebrity Net Worth. You know that they're right. When they contacted me, when their team arrived with briefcases, calculators, computers,

the whole deal, when they arrived at my door, I knew I had made it. They were going to calculate my net worth and put it on the internet. They asked for an audit. They asked for access to all my bank accounts. They know better than I do how much money I have because it's very complicated to know how much money I have. Most people don't know.

They have to think about it. Well, what is my car worth? What's the blue book on my car? What taxes do I owe on what property? How much of my mortgage have I paid off? It's very hard to know exactly how much money you have. Celebrity Net Worth, they are a diligent institution. It's a very big team. And people respect them. That's the important thing. People

respect them. So people cooperate with them. And that's what I did. Yeah, I love that team over there. And were you surprised at all at some of the value of some of your things? Because I know for me, I'm just maybe bringing home a prop or something. And then they go like, oh, this is the freaking boat from Titanic. It's the heart of the ocean. Yeah. Well, first I tried to do. It's worth so much.

I mean, the first time they came to my door and asked me about my net worth, I wanted to answer sort of in the spirit of the way I was raised. I said, well, I'm comfortable. I'm doing fine right now. Thank God. Yeah. That obviously did not cut it with them. They wanted to know my exact per episode salary

on the office. They wanted to know what my car, how many payments I had made on it, what type of insurance. It was very, very exhaustive and exhilarating. But it's fun too. It is fun to talk about money, and especially your own money.

It just drives me crazy when people think the celebrity net worth is just sort of— Like a gas. Yeah, just random speculation designed to encourage people to click, that they've gamed the Google rankings, that numbers are out of thin air, that they're designed to titillate. numbers are out of thin air, that they're designed to titillate. It makes me very angry because this is a major, major operation. They take their jobs very seriously.

And they have an important mission, which is to let people know how much money they believe famous people have. Were you surprised, to double back for a second, when you went to to do punked that so many of the celebrities fell for the same pranks again that we had done on them well they fell for variations we escalated it so we no longer did hillary duff's learner's permit now it's time for her to get her like her license so okay you know i'm laughing just at the memory. Look, celebrities are stupid. That's why we love them so much, myself included. There is some brain matter just missing that enables people to pursue public lives without shame. I'm a goddamn idiot.

It's a bad part of the brain, though. Yeah. It's the kind of brain stuff you don't it's only honestly if you read if you read if you read you only use you only use half if that and so part of it is just junk and garbage that you don't use half of what of your brain of your whole brain really the front now i listen to while I read, so I must be at about 60, 70%. Yes. Okay.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, you maybe. And also, I think some drugs let you tap into some other sides. I don't want to get too crazy. But people figure out some stuff, Steve Jobs, et cetera. Yeah, no, I've heard about that. Mm-hmm. But people figure out some stuff, Steve Jobs, et cetera. Yeah, no, I've heard about that. BJ, we saw Spider-Man 2 for you because we love you. We wanted to support you.

You were great. Thanks. And the movie was great. Amazing. Amazing, yeah. We laughed, cried because it was so unbelievably scary. You cried from fear because there is some serious emotion in the movie, but you cried from fear. That stuff doesn't really bother me.

During the sad parts? Did you scream? Yeah, I got underneath my seat during the sad parts and covered up my eyes and then would peek through and sort of shriek. But I do remember crying during the scariness. And I just, we loved it, but we'd love to get from the horse's mouth some of the inside scoop, I guess, on the story. Because we didn't see the first one. Okay.

We only saw the second one for you. Yes, yes. So we sort of need to be caught up. And what was your favorite part of this second one? First a question. So Spider-Man's like a crazy guy? No. No.

He's just jumping everywhere. He's jumping around. He's like. Yeah, he's jumping bean man. So you didn't just miss the first movie. You missed the entire cultural impact of the concept of Spider-Man. Were you involved in any of the prior... You're like, what's going on?

Why? Yes. Who is... What's a Spider-Man? All we know is he's a spider. And he's not even a spider. Well, he's... You don't know.

That's debatable because we did... So you missed a lot, like culturally. You didn't absorb anything. Here's what we know. We know he knows the guy from before. Or they think they're friends. Yeah. Right.

Okay. But is that even what's going on with them? Well, sure. It's not the predominant. I kind of need to take a number of steps back for you guys. Spider-Man is a comic book superhero, right? Which we love. So you love it.

You're an expert from. I wouldn't say I'm an expert. You're a fan. I'd say I know the amount that most people know. I don't think you had to have seen this first movie to know that. A lot of people did see it. You're right in saying that most people know it because they saw the first one. It's not just the first one, though.

I mean, this idea of Spider-Man has been a very, very famous character in society for 50 years. He's like that figure. Thinking back, you guys, we all spend a lot of time on Hollywood Boulevard because we work in Hollywood. We're Hollywood people. You know that guy in the red and blue suit with the mask on and the spider on his chest? Garfield. No. You're confused about the billing of this.

Andrew Garfield is the actor. Garfield is the orange. You don't know who Garfield is. He dresses up. Andrew Garfield dresses up. The same way the guy on Hollywood Boulevard in a much cheaper version wore this suit that, aren't you piecing together now that you've seen this movie? Well, there's a difference.

That was Spider-Man all these years. But it's not the same because that guy, I've seen that guy, and he is, the guy outside is a black guy. How do you know? Because I can see his hands sometimes. Okay. Sometimes he takes his- That's a very good answer.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking on writing, BJ, you wrote a famous book and it's on all the big lists these days. And it's called One More Thing. And it's a book of stories and other stories. That's the subtitle of the book. And you can buy it anywhere.

And this book, you had an important point to prove with this book, didn't you? Because you were known mostly for being an acting man and for doing your jokes. But you wanted to prove something with this book, didn't you? And winning a joke contest since you were a kid. And tell me what you feel that I proved. That books are easy. So easy. And all the newspapers and all the, you know, naysayers said books are hard and he'll never

do it and no one will. And then you really showed them a thing or two about a good lesson they had learned. You did it. Well, thank you. I did it. Thank you. You did it. Well, thank you.

I did it. Thank you. I don't know that people were surprised that a book was written, which I think you're implying. That people thought it couldn't be done. No one could do it. Well, I know one guy who was pretty surprised. Who is that, you? It's Hayes.

I mean, it is Hayes. I screamed. Oh, okay. You screamed in a way that you didn't at Spider-Man. No, very similarly. it's haze I mean it is haze I screamed you screamed in a way that you didn't at Spider-Man no very similarly you didn't cry from fear though I said I cried

I didn't say I didn't also scream that's true that's true I wasn't so surprised that a book had been written as much as

it was printed and could be bought to be read no I see I find that by just whoever. I find that unsurprising as well. Because I would think if you write a book, you might want to keep it a secret.

I like to think that maybe you were surprised by how good it was, how funny it was. The fact that a book was published at all, a book, I have to disagree with you. I think that there's a whole book business. Think of bookstores, right? You know what a bookstore is. There's a whole business model based on the fact that books are published. So if you think of it that way, it would be weirder if no books were published because then you go into Barnes & Noble, what's there?

It's old books. Well, they sell their, yeah. It's old books and the new books are like reading cards. Leonardo da Vinci books. And greeting cards aren't really books. They don't really count as books. They open and there are words inside, but they're not really the same as books. And maybe they also would have one of your Spider-Man stuff that you were talking about.

You have an interesting relationship with plurals. This is the second time. Yeah, they might sell my Spider-Man stuff. With the story. One of them, yes. With the two guys who think they're friends.

How long does it take you to write one of those stories of yours? Well, some of them can take me weeks. Some of them could just come fully formed in a moment. Someone gives it to you? You could just do one? No, no, no. I need to be very clear.

No one gives me these stories. I feel inspired, and I give myself the story in the case that I'm describing. You could just do one whenever. You could do it right now. No, not whenever. Sam, just get out your keyboard. Sam, could you get your keyboard out, please? Yeah.

And then, so I think that because, as you said, stories are so easy that you almost could just do them. Okay. We may want to hear, just sort of do a story and show America or whoever else, you know, what it really means. And it doesn't have to be a story about Spider-Man, just because we've, you know, been talking about that. But it might help because he's pretty famous. It's in the zeitgeist right now it would sell yeah it's pretty famous okay um so you want us and you're using very vague words so i want to try to nail down

what we're doing here we are going to write a story not do a story right well we don't need to touch the keyboard sam's got sam is going to is going to write the story. We're going to compose a story. Sam is going to type it for us. It might be about Spider-Man. But it doesn't have to be. That could be helpful, though. And the purpose of this is to demonstrate how easy it is

to write a story. Because people don't know, they don't usually hear it when it happens. That's very true. And if you're writing one fully formed and you're doing it alone, think about the three of us back collaborating like the old days when we were pulling over a little Bow Wow. Yeah.

Okay, sure. We were graffitiing Wilmer's car, which he was so prideful of. That's right. We escalated everything on the actual show. Mm-hmm. Okay. Well, who'd like to start us off? Well, you're the guy with the pen.

Golden pen. Okay. Mm-hmm. Well, I'll start with the title. Great. And we'll go around. Yeah. I'll start with the title.

Great. We'll go around. Spider-Man and the Case of the Music Box Hostage Crisis. Quick pitch, the amazing, the amazing Spider-Man. I love that. Let's go with that. Okay, yes. And the Case of the Music Box Hostage that. Let's go with that. Okay, yes. And the case of the music box hostage crisis. Yeah.

That's good. Okay. Now remember, it's a case. So this is a detective angle for Spider-Man. Who is normally something else. Normally just about the action. Okay. Normally there's no sort of investigation aspect.

That's more of a Batman thing. Spider-Man knows what's up. And then he's just jumping everywhere. He does his job. Jumps into action. There is no legal review generally as part of Spider-Man's process. He's flipping. Yeah.

So in this story, you know, there's a music box hostage crisis. So, you know, it's a case. It needs to be solved. Okay. Spider-Man looked at the footprint. He could tell the man was

in trouble. Trouble with the cops. He sniffed a little bit of the ground and he held his ear to it because of his Indian past. And he heard the whole story.

Which was? Don't write which was, Sam. No, I think which was. Sam, did you get that? New paragraph. Did you get that? Which was? See, I think which was. Sam, did you get that? New paragraph. Did you get that? Which was? Did you get the which was? Is this argument

part of it? See, this is what's called a surprise for the reader. It's not an argument, Sam. No. We are. It's collaboration. You'll know. Sam, you'll know when it's an argument. It's healthy for us to have this kind of talk. Now, this, what I'm saying now is side commentary. This is great. This is great storytelling because there's a structural surprise.

The reader thinks the story's going to unfold naturally. Instead, we are going to explain exactly what happened on the surface right now. So, which was? Which was, yeah. The one guy's

foot, you know, hurt so much. Great. So he just smashed it on the ground great and he also didn't know why that other this is great because we're learning about spider-man's yeah in our monologue it's very choppy yeah that other guy just like you and me we you know what Why is he chasing him? And so a really hot, hot mama walked in too. And Spider-Man had to look at that. Sure. Ooh, yes.

And then she starts talking to him. That's great. Well, now I want to know what she said. Yeah. What she said or what he said? She started talking to him in the story.

To Spider-Man. Mm-hmm. Okay. Well, she said, cut the well. Just she said, colon.

It's cleaner. Mm-hmm. There are 48 hostages inside the world's largest music box. If you crank the music box, which was built for the World's Fair, as an entrant to the Guinness Book of World Records world's largest music box, which was meant to attract attention to the beleaguered city of Sioux Falls. That's spelled S-U-E-F-A-L-S. And the reason it's beleaguered, this is a footnote now, the reason it's beleaguered

is because people never go to it. They just go to Sioux Falls, S-I-O-U-X. Well, and didn't this one get its name because there were so many frivolous lawsuits? No, this is a woman named Sue who fell. And it was the town's claim to fame. And this might be a separate story that we write at some point. She turned out to have vertigo, huh? Say more on this in a later story in the collection.

So this, we don't have to read it back, but just pick it up from where we're describing that the world's largest music box is being built for the World's Fair in Sioux Falls, Ohio. And if you crank it from the outside, this box would play. Now, here's where you help me. Give me a song.

Love in this club. Yeah, love in this club. I'd say which version, but it's just the music, which I think is the same for the radio edit. But they never expected hostages to be inside. So the woman explains this. And Spider-Man, oh, you know who else is in there? Gwen Stacy.

Ah. Okay. From the show. From No Doubt. Yeah. And Gwen Stefani. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Let's make it a little more contemporary. There are two people in there. Gwen Stefani, and then in parentheses, Spider-Man raised an eyebrow almost imperceptibly. He was impressed, but not blown away. And Gwen Stacy, Spider-Man's eyes popped open. Now it was personal. Don't write this part, but that is how you should react to Gwen Stefani. If you show too much. Youani. If you show too much.

You don't want to show too much. She'll walk all over you. Be cool. Often Gwen Stefani is prelude to a bigger celebrity. With guests including Gwen Stefani. It's often about to get bigger, so don't blow your wad. Gwen Stefani. No, just like, okay, who else?

You might get a bigger name. You might get Sandy Bullock. Obsessed with her. Yeah, so, and then I italicize, now it was personal. Okay, so she's in the music box. Okay, this is getting good. Well, Sam. Well. Well, Sam. Well.

Is that a quotation mark? Spider-Man said. Or is this a more conversational story, narrative voice? This is McCarthy-esque and there are no quotation marks, Sam. God help you if there are any quotation marks in this story. Well, said Spider-Man, time to go. story well said spider-man time to go and he put his hand out and out of his freaking head came a web see again i feel this is commentary i feel that your lack of exposure to the spider-man mythology puts you out of step with most of your audience.

Refreshing, huh? How can you say that I don't know and I haven't been exposed to Spider-Man? I just told you exactly what he does. The fact that the narrator would express so much amazement that a web came forth from his hand is... It makes me think you don't know. You were in the movie. It makes me think you don't know what he does. That's exactly the thing that happened. I know.

The narrator shouldn't express amazement. The guy's called Amazing Spider-Man. But the narrator, you take for granted he's amazing. It's the word friggin' that really, to me, tipped that you were not as used to this happening as most people. Sam, can you just read back what we have? I'm lost. Sure. Spider-Man in the case of the music box.

Wait. Hostage crisis. Wait. I feel like we're missing a word. You said you read to music. I write to music. Oh, no, I read to music. You read to music.

Okay, one second. Ready? Yeah. Spider-Man looked at the footprint. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, no, I read to music. You read to music. Okay, one second. Ready? Yeah. Spider-Man looked at the footprint. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, sorry. Why is my sound not going? I do it for the ladies.

But I gotta keep it hood. Spider-Man looked at the footprint. He could tell the man was in trouble. Trouble with the cops. He sniffed a little of the ground And because of his Indian past Knew the whole story Which was

One guy's foot You know, hurt so much So he smashed it on the ground And he didn't know why The other guy was after him Why is he chasing him? And uh A really hot mama Kate walked in

So we had to look at it And he was like Ooh, yes So she looked at him Cut the well Oh, that's a no for me there are 48 hostages inside the world's largest music box which was built for the world's fair for the guinness records uh no spell suit balls with sue more on the later

collection if you crank it from the outside of the box would play love in this club doesn't matter which version for the radio they never expected hostages to be inside. You know, who else is in there? Gwen Stacy from the show. And Gwen Stefani, which is often followed by bigger celebrities when being announced. Spider-Man raised in highbrow. Now it's personal and italic. Well, Spider-Man said, in a McCarthy-esque way,

It's time to go. Out of his friggin' hand came a web. Sometimes you just get it. I think it's really good. I think it's good. I think the footprint turned out to be the key to the music box or something. But anyway, really, that was easy,

and now everyone knows. Let's do a segment that we love. How do we, how do we, how, how, how, how do we get into this? Okay. We'll break this down for you really quickly. We have a segment that we do on the show, and it is

uh, Hayes, help me out. Popcorn. It's hot. It's buttery. People munch it. It's food. It's buttery. People munch it. It's food. It's food, for sure. Where do you eat it?

The movies. At the movies. At the movies. Thank you. People have questions about the movies. And movie men. And women. Thank you.

Yes, thank you. Finally. You were in the movies. People have questions Thank you. Yes, thank you. Finally. You were in the movies. People have questions for you. People who have questions as a group are called the peanut gallery sometimes. Okay. They don't have peanuts at the movies. They don't have to be asking questions at the peanut gallery.

They could just be criticizing. Sometimes they're jeering. Sometimes they're giving the old Bronx cheer. is this still backstory to the segment or is this the segment this is how this is the only way you're going to be able to handle the segment is if you get what it is and it's not easy to describe now i'm so i'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the situation. Sure. So we don't want to call this the peanut gallery, even though we have questions from the public. Because it's about movies. And movie men like yourself and movie women like Sandra Bullock or whoever.

So what was that movie food from before? Popcorn. Popcorn. The name of the segment is The Popcorn Gallery. Okay. It's not going to work. Yeah. Here's a question.

Let's reach into the popcorn bag with a question from one of our listeners. Just for future podcasts, I didn't need that backstory. It was perfectly pleasant, but I think I get this without all that. Well, it's easy to say now because we've done it. Yeah, true. And you have a reputation as a smart writing man. Thank you. Sure.

Here's a question in the bag. Oh, yeah. Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. Mmm, popcorn. This question is from Octodactypus. PJ, would you ever consider writing an episode of The Americans? I would not consider it. I think that is better in the hands of people who understand that show

from watching it, from working on it, I'd be coming to a cold. Little feud starting here. You don't like that show. No, I haven't seen it. I hear that it's great, actually. You don't like hearing things that are great and then participating in them. You prefer to discover stuff for yourself with that

so you can tell people it's great. Tough to take a recommendation. I love Americans. And I like that these are specific Americans. Well, I don't want to spoil the show for you. No, I know that they might not be Americans in a way. Look, I hear that it's great. I haven't seen it.

If I wrote it, people would be baffled by what was going on because I'd be inventing a whole different show. Too edgy. Here's a question and it's in the bag again. Oh, this is a big piece.

It's a freaking bomb! This question is from Valerie Bryant. Beach, when you created the hashtag longhairdontcare, did you think it would make you an overnight celebrity, or was it a happy accident? That was Chingy's idea, my friend Chingy. And it was to become an overnight celebrity the irony is

um took me years to come up with that hashtag so you know isn't that how this town works just sometimes yeah so i became an overnight celebrity after years of hashtags that just didn't connect and then that one did wasn't even my favorite hashtag what were some of those hashtags that just didn't connect. And then that one did. It wasn't even my favorite hashtag. What were some of those hashtags that you thought would do it for you that didn't? I thought bootyrific was going to hit. This is before bootylicious was a thing. I thought bootyrific.

So I tagged a lot of things bootyrific. It just didn't take. It didn't take. I still believe in it. Now we're ready for it, I feel. Now maybe it's too late. Yeah, we missed the window, huh? Yeah.

Orange is the new yellow was a hashtag. It was too subtle, I guess. They're very close. It made more sense, arguably, than the new black. I thought it was a more subtle way to go because you could argue that orange and yellow, what is the line? What has it been this whole time? Maybe it's always been the same thing. But orange is the new black.

Okay. Well, agree to disagree. Yeah. Now, this is after the book, Orange is the New Black, so I was riffing on something. This was not just me. I love that. Yeah.

So, you know, these hashtags did not take off. Live and learn. Yeah. Well, there's one more question. Oh, wow, something bit me. A spider. There's one more question. Ow! Wow, something bit me. A spider. I feel strange.

Oh, no, that's a crazy guy jumping around everywhere. I guess I know this guy or something. See ya. I got to say, the sound effects to these are distracting. This is Sean's friend from high school. Yeah, he... We're trying to help him out. You know, like, he was the funny guy in school.

I wasn't the funny guy. Really? What were you? He was the guy watching the funny guy. The guy in the back of the class. Yeah. Just observing and picking stuff up. You were the funny guy, the guy in the back of the class, just observing and picking stuff up. You were the funny guy's audience. Well, and I knew how funny he was, too, because I was friends with him.

And so he now has had some bad breaks. He's pushing dumpsters into each other for a living. Wow. And how does that generate revenue for someone? Well, that's part of why we gave him this gig to do our sound drops. Right. I think they're so good that they sometimes distract from the question that follows, because you want to know about this bomb.

What happened to the... I'll pass that along to Mark. This question is from Bird Rules. BJ, do you think John Candy is funny? Was funny. But he's not so funny anymore, huh? Right. But this is just correcting the semantics.

This is not ultimatum on whether or not John Candy was funny. His stuff hasn't aged well. No, no, no. It's really about whether or not we use the present or past tense for someone deceased. Because his movies, you can watch them now. You can still watch them. Yeah, no, I know.

Yeah. They're streaming. It's okay if you didn't know. I think John Candy... It makes me think you didn't know because you said was. Like you couldn't... We've run into stuff like this on the show before. No, you're right.

You're right. It's totally fine. And it's helpful for other people to discover stuff with you. If you said Shakespeare is funny, I wouldn't say it was funny. I just think of his body of work, which is immortal. Well, he is also dead. Yeah, right. And I wouldn't have it was funny. I just think of him as his body of work, which is immortal. Well, he is also dead. Yeah, right. And I wouldn't have corrected you there.

Do you think Shakespeare is funny? I wouldn't say, Shakespeare's been dead for hundreds of years. I'd say, yeah, no, his comedies are funny sometimes. You do think he's funny. I think, yeah, I think he's funny. Because you know you can still read his stuff, but maybe you didn't know you could still watch John Cain's. No, I did know.

And this happens. Last week, Hayes didn't know you could still watch John Cain's. No, I did. I did know. And this happens. Last week, Hayes didn't know the difference between a holding deal and offer only on the show. Well, I did. Well, he didn't. That's not something we have to get back to. Sometimes people make a mistake when they're speaking. I don't see how you could confuse those things. Well, you're not okay.

I can't actually help you with that. I can't help you because I didn't. It was a misunderstanding. Fucking mortifying. It was a misunderstanding. Honestly, never felt such a visceral embarrassment. What's the funniest Shakespeare? The funniest Shakespeare?

Hmm. Well, I think Shakespeare is funny. He has funny lines and moments spread throughout the plays. I wouldn't call any of his plays funny now. Overall. Speak on that. Well, I'm not here to be competitive with Shakespeare and kind of, he can't defend himself.

But you think you're funnier. I think I am funnier than Shakespeare in 2014. I do. I do. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. His stuff doesn't really crack my whole shit up.

We're big fans, DJ. We're big fans, and we're pulling for you. Thank you. It's great to finally reconnect after all this time. Yes. We started together, and we'll probably go out together. That's, I hope so. Well, we're a good deal older than you, so.

Do you guys have any, do you want to end with some advice to people? I mean, this is Hollywood Handbook. We would love for you to give some advice. I think we should all give advice. Okay, that sounds good. You know? One tip you wish you had when you were starting out. Directed sort of to Engineer Sam, who is sort of a proxy for our audience.

Oh, all right. He's from fucking Indiana or some shit. Milwaukee, I would hope. Yeah. Overdress. Overdress, yeah. Overdress is my advice. Dress for the weather you want.

I don't mean in terms of warmth, but that is a very interesting approach, dress for the weather you want. I'd say overdress you'll be that guy in a good way who is that guy why is he wearing all that so many layers so many layers and it's so hot what's your advice

mine would be get all dressed up oh yeah okay we see things similarly. Just put on a lot of good clothes. Yeah. That's what I would say. What would yours be, Sean? Wear it, baby.

That's awesome. Well, you know, we came up together and we saw the same people. We saw Peloff Tompkins, you know, ride through the ranks. Oh yes. While we saw the guy we. We saw Pelov Tompkins rise through the ranks. While we saw the guy we all called Shabby Charlie. How did that happen? I don't see it either. I know.

You look up one day. If I had to wager on one guy from our initial crew who was going to fall flat on his fucking face. Shabby Charlie would have succeeded. And Pelov Tompkins not. They dressed. One dressed for success and one dressed for failure. He Yeah, Charlie, yeah. And Paul F. Tompkins not, but they dressed one dress for success and one dress for failure. He really wore it, baby.

Yeah. Yeah. Rate us on iTunes. Talk to us on the forums. Please like us on Facebook. And buy the pro version of our podcast. You can get a lot of great advice like that. And my email is bjnovak4 at yahoo.com. Yes. Email BJ and you can get a lot of great advice like that. My email is bjnovak4

at yahoo.com. Email BJ and you can get more advice. When you buy the pro version, you get as a prize, Han Lads bought the pro version this week. His prize is that BJ Novak will name his next book

After You. What's the title going to be for Han Lads? Well, it may be abstract. I'm not going to give it away now because everyone will be on Amazon trying to preorder it, crash the site. Well, you don't get it, Han Lads. You don't get it after all, but the money's gone. Okay, bye.

Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf Dead.