Hollywood Handbook - Brandon Gardner, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: February 8, 2016

Hayes and Sean are talkin' sports this week as they dish out some hot takes about their feelings on "a very large event". Then, they chat with Brandon Gardner about his career in advertising and he lets them peak behind the curtain a little bit.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And Judith turns to Minnie and she says, Minnie Mouse, what have you got there? And Minnie's holding this sort of carved wooden hand. It looks almost ancient. And it's giving you a middle finger to say, fuck you. Yeah. The hand is. Yeah. And she goes, wow, I can really use this.

And Judith goes, I think I could use it for something too. And she points up her rear end. Like that's where she's going to put the finger from the hand. What's interesting about that? You're asking me? No. Oh, I mean, I just thought it was interesting. Oh, go ahead. What's interesting. I was about to say, ease.

Oh, go ahead. What's interesting about that? Ease. Mm-hmm. Two things. Minnie Mouse, she wants to use that special hand to do the middle finger, because she can't do the middle finger. She can only do the Su-Fi.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because she only has four. Fingers. But she can do a wicked super finger. No middle one, yeah. uh but you can do a wicked super finger no middle one yeah uh and i think those fingers the thing that you were seeing did it have a little string at the end yeah it had a little string now that you mention it it's candle oh you can light that but it is a fire finger it's an old candle i

suppose yes and so but i wonder if she knows that. Well, you don't want to burn it too much, especially if you're going to use it. Yes, it could end up being a scary fire situation. That's an interesting problem. Mm-hmm.

You've got that thing. It's your only way to do the true middle finger, and it's dark. Mm-hmm. What are you going to do? I mean, honestly. Yeah, when you have the choice between...

It's dark. Yeah, using it to give a middle finger and using it to... For the light. For the light. But you're assuming that you couldn't just... Turn the light? Light it.

No, light it, but then it would still be used for middle finger. But how much can you light it for? Because candles, and this is scientifically proven, they melt haze. And as a man of science, I think you'd appreciate that. I'd like to see a little more of the science come out on that. You don't think they've weighed in. They come out on these things that are like, eggs is bad for you.

Now suddenly they're good for you. Oh, now eggs is what's healthy. Now candles are melting and now they're staying forever. Oh, and now they get bigger. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. That's interesting.

Brad, I think I need a little more headphones volume. There you go. Okay. And that's too much. And I do need you to split the difference, but thank you. Okay. I'm in a weird... Okay. Nobody yell, okay?

Okay, I was about to yell. The loudest part of the show is when I say... And that's a little loud even for me, and I'm sorry, Brett. I do need to turn down a little bit more. Turn it down, way down for a second, and I'll do the hey. Okay. Is it way down? It is way down, yeah.

Hey! Did you hear that? E It is way down, yeah. Hey! Did you hear that? Ease it back up, yeah. I could hear that, but not loud. And are you turning it up? It's nice for listeners to hear this part of the show. They don't always know. How does it work?

This is okay, but more I need. Because you would think that you would just be able to set it at a certain level every time, but in particular, your needs are different every time you come in in terms of what is going to scare you today. Yes, yes. To be fair, I'm always experimenting with different things in my ears, different liquids, and seeing what's going to work for me to sort of lubricate

and enhance my hearing experience. You know, I don't just listen and that's it, and I go, that's good enough for me. I'm not a fucking loser. I'm like, well, is there anything I could do for this? If I put oil, bacon fat, hog's blood, if put you know anything yeah powdered hooves yes it's usually yeah well it's you it's definitely from some form of pig or warthog and to me i go well i'm at least getting another perspective like i know what it sounds like to listen through snout lining.

Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? We got a famous week on the show this week. Big one. Which is Super Bowl. Football game.

Do football. Now, you have a couple takes i've missed yeah and i wonder if you're gonna do them at the same time or all my takes yeah if you're gonna try and negotiate both of your takes into like one big take or split them up into Like one big take? Mm-hmm. Or split them up into... And just piece out or parcel out the takes? One and then the other.

Hmm. The takes are a little trail of breadcrumbs that lead you to my mind. Or is it just a big glowing neon arrow? Here's the, you know, maniac mind. Yeah. Or is it like, hmm, you got to keep following the clues and then so uh yeah i don't know which i'm gonna do either or even what you're talking about so should we talk about having a guest yes uh it's difficult for me to figure out in what order to say anything. Yes. And in this case, in particular,

is hard. Super Bowl, we have a Super Bowl ad that we bought through Scripps Purchasing. Here's the thing. We are, obviously,

very big with podcast people. Only podcast people know about our show because it is podcast. But we should be even bigger and probably the biggest one instead of the third smallest one. And so our thinking is,

oh, we're actually TV guys who are so smart on TV. Yes, our TV is already in the TV. And that's working great. And so people are watching the TV show but not knowing, oh, I need to listen to these guys on the podcast. Put the podcast in the TV. So can we put the podcast in the TV?

And we found a way to do that. Can we put the lime in the coconut a little bit yes and the biggest tv of all which is the big game which is actually so we should actually correct this because we're not allowed to say super bowl so we'll have to change this and actually big game is now being used by too many other companies yes So we're not allowed to say that either. We've got an ad during a very large event that we have managed to acquire that is going to expose the TV world to our podcast

by putting the podcast on the TV, put the lemon and coconut and drink it up. Was the name for the, not not big game, but like catch time? Well, I was going to say, let's have our guest who sort of specializes in this kind of thing.

Yes, this is good. He's an ad consultant. You've seen a lot of his work on TV during this event thing, the catch time. Well, let's see what he comes up.

That's one suggestion. And so maybe you can have a word for not snooper ball right that's not not snooper ball sure and it's not you know no thank you this is what i do it's brandon gardner brandon gardner did you say it no brandon gardner i wasn't going to who's from madison avenue yeah if you're an insider in the ad game you know who i am and why don't we go over your cv your commercials very goods uh so i've done a lot of huge ones a lot of people have heard about uh if you're familiar with the go daddy work okay i'm god that's such a great campaign yes can i say because end of the commercial they said she she's starting to get her bikini

straps snipped off with hedge clippers. And it's like, go to the website if you want to see it all. Yeah, because I'm going, well, she's going to be undressed against her will. And that, to me, is so exciting. And you guys really delivered on that. Thank you. When I went to the website to see it all, it was actually more than I bargained for.

You weren't the only one who went to the website. Yeah. No. Oh, okay. Over 200,000 people. Oh, wow. Because I didn't see anyone else there when I was there. That's a big number

yeah that's great wow were other people surprised by how far yes you actually you guys actually how far we went yes just how much we're still getting emails was more than i wanted to see or what i thought i wanted to see if you would to me, it's going to be this level of sort of graphic violence. Well, a lot of people are surprised it's not sexual. No, there's no such. No, it's not sexual. At best, it's medical. Yeah, I describe it as clinical.

Yes. So you're looking at a fully nude woman in a non-sexual way. Yes. Well, because they are snipping off her bikini top in order to perform surgery because when you do get around to the front she's got a pretty gruesome injury yeah yes uh so and that i was surprised but also i learned so much about just the way you know the human body how resilient it is a lot of cross sections oh god yeah you learn a lot yeah it was a teaching tool for me well that's my whole thing is that i

don't sell products i tell stories and i teach lessons oh wow that's so nice um so that's a huge one i can i say um you said you've done some big ads that are very famous. Are you almost more proud sometimes of the smaller ones? Oh, absolutely. A lot of times I'm proud of the ones that honestly the client wasn't willing to take a risk on. They got left on the floor. Oh, wow. Five second rule.

Yeah. Anyone's free to pick it back up and eat it. Absolutely. And the same goes for advertising. Yeah. So I had one. I had one. And I don't want to say the company.

Okay. But it's a German car manufacturer. Okay. Hitler. Yeah. Hitler. Big fan. And I wrote an ad.

And it was little boy, Christmas morning. Right? Wakes up, goes downstairs. I'm seeing it. And Christmas morning's universal. I like the world. They have Krampus over there, though. Yes.

So he goes downstairs. His family is missing. The Krampus took them. is missing. The Krampus took him. And so he goes out outside and he sees the family car and he realizes

yeah, my family's gone, but now I have access to an automobile. A hot set of wheels, yeah. How old is the kid? Four or five years old. Oh, and what's he pushing under the hood? Oh, well, i again i don't want to say the manufacturer of the car no no no i just mean physically is he rocking the big one

uh yeah that's sort of how many cylinders implied personally work with all the protagonists and does that thing have a hemi i would say in genital terms it it's a big engine for a child. Don't ride the clutch. Yeah. You guys know it. Well, God, I'd love to work you into some of these meetings with people who don't get it. Because you even bring up child genitals with the wrong client and they're out the door. We know.

We have to do ad reads for this podcast sometime and it's not good. But the thing is, it's like when you're in the game long enough, subconsciously that's something people know.

They notice it. Yeah. They're looking at this kid. And they're wanting to drive a car like that. So, I'm sorry, I interrupted the story. So, what happens?

He sees that the car's there. So, basically, it starts sad. Yeah, it's not a Touareg, but it might be. Yeah, it's not a Touareg. But he's sad that his family is... You see, eventually, you learn that they've probably been murdered. By the Krampus? Can I ask just how all this information is being delivered? Because what I'm visualizing is the kid walks down the stairs and just doesn't see anybody.

And then he goes downstairs and he looks at the car. But I don't know how we're... Well, there's sort of crime scene details that you're seeing. It's like, oh, something tragic happened here. Oh, yeah. A bunch of slow pushes on just a bikini strap. And they forgot to wake him up. The police forgot to wake him up.

His family was murdered and he slept through it well and does he maybe sleep in like a secret room you know what we don't specify that because it's hard to get that across in images

but would that work in the world now that I would think would be one of the easier things which is just that he does a keypad on a like and just

beep beep beep and then the door slides up and it's a bookshelf. And he walks out. I couldn't come up with that. Oh, well,

that's very brave to admit. Yeah. Um, but anyway, so he sees the car, his family's dead, they got killed by the Krampus or something.

Yeah. And you just, the, the, do you see Krampus prints like leading off into the woods or anything? In the original script, yes.

And that was one of the things that even in a draft they made us take out. For fear of retribution by the Krampus. Which is logical. Cease and desist. But yeah, he takes the car keys, he unlocks the car, and you just see a big smile on his face. Christmas isn't so bad after all. Mm-hmm.

So, and then he peels out, picks up a bunch of honeys. Right. Well, actually how it ends is if you want to see this kid naked, go to this website. Oh, so that's sort of a recurring theme. Yeah, that's, if anything anything my sort of go-to that's like a signature commercial and this is a 15 second spot 15 seconds oh that sounds good i can't believe that one got left on the floor yeah i was just thrilled when godaddy was willing to go with my style because I've been pushing for that for so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I can't think of another ad I have seen where they've gone for that. Yeah, and I pitch it every single time. So let's figure out, and maybe we already know what this ad is gonna be yeah i guess we have a good idea of sort of where we're heading with our well first of all i'm so glad you guys are breaking branching out into television because for years i've been thinking that's your audience you're're not podcast people. Yeah. For two years. Two years. Even, yeah. That's how long we exist.

So, you've been thinking that, and isn't it true that the best way to get your message out there is to put it on broadcast network television because that's just where the peepers live. Normal people. That's where the peepers are. Not podcast people. Yeah, none of these freaks that listen to this shitepers live. Normal people. I mean, that's where the peepers are. Not podcast people.

Yeah, none of these freaks that listen to this shit. Lonely, lonely people. Yeah. And they fast forward on this. They go. Oh, yeah, they can skip it. Exactly. Well, they have the technology now where they can skip the ads on a podcast.

But what's great with TV is you're captured them. And so they're basically in prison of commercial. So we need to discuss, first of all, what name we should use for, not the Snooper Bowl, and whether it's catch time, because there is catching. Right. But also, if there's catching, and I hate to be contrarian, but there's throwing. There's got to be a throw. I thought of that too.

That's why I wasn't sure. And throw catch. Throw catch sounds like throat scratch. That's exactly what I would say. And that is unappealing. Nobody imagined. It's giving me a throat scratch just now. Oh, Hayes, are you okay?

Let me take a sippy break. Can you give me your phone, please? Because I've noticed you looking at it a lot. Really? Yeah, just hand it over to me and I'll just put it. And it'll just be right here. When we're done, it's going to be right here, okay? So if this was my approach to a product,

trying to come up with a name, first thing we do is we bring in people, we test names, and we see what's getting a kick. What's getting a reaction. Well, use Brett. Yeah, Brett's a great source for this kind of thing. Great. Hey!

Wow, that was a hell of an and for anyone who thinks that that's a sound sting that brett just hit one button he has a keyboard set up and played his own live intro music that he must have been planning on for years now having an opportunity to do um we are in brett's house and i do feel ill get cozy what what welcome. Get cozy. What are you hoping is going to come out of that? What's the goal of presenting yourself that way? With the intro music? Yes. I'm asking Brett, what do you like?

Make him seem like he's the king. It does make you seem like you're the king. Do you think you're the king of this podcast? No, of this castle. Of this castle, okay, but this castle is not what they're listening to. They're listening to podcasts. Well, I disagree. If they were listening to Castle, it would sound like this.

I didn't think there's been a murder here. Remember that show? Yes, he's always said that. Nathan Fillion is one of my geek heroes. He's a hunk geek. I just wanted a new angle. But if you want to be the king. I always feel like I come in kind of monotone and boring.

It does sound like the king's horns, but then the king doesn't say, hey. That's true. Can I say this, though? Presenting Sir Brett. Hark. Now, I'm not defending what Brett chose to do, but would you agree with his statement that the way he's come in before sucks and is shitty, and he should be trying something different?

I definitely appreciate the knowledge that something needs to be done. Like, something was wrong. Yes. Now, Brandon, you're in sales. Do you think that this was a good way for Brett to sell himself? I'm sorry. It's okay. Is this a good way for Brett to sell himself? I'm sorry. It's okay. Is this a good way

for him to tell his story? I don't think so. Honestly, and I'm in the same room with you, it feels harsh saying it, but you're not telling your story. Yeah, this isn't his story, is it? It's the King's story. Well, you know what? I worked on a spot for a fast food company. Can't say

the name, but King is related to it. okay yeah and yeah he wears a crown he wears a crown and they did a spot uh where uh it was an actor wearing a king mask and i had a lot of doubts about it but i was thinking one way we could spin it is is this ben schwartz video i don't want to say. A cheating video? Anything but Ben Schwartz wasn't. It's got like a billion views. He's making out with Sarah Bird's.

I wanted to throw something in the end where you could go online and see the king without the mask. Which I thought would stir up a lot of stuff. You want to see the whole, he's just creeping the mask off. And it's right where you're about to you know recognize who that person is and then you go online yeah who was it who's the the well i don't want to reveal anything but um are you familiar with uh french film yes we were in one film yeah we were in a french French film do you know Gerard Depardieu yes

he was actually the king oh it was it was him well I have trouble supporting him because I saw the middle third of a movie once that I think was about him being a pedophile that would ruin it for me I think that's what he's playing

and I think he chose that. So he could mess around and be like... So he could do the mess around and go, it's for my role. And I just think that's nefarious. So did we figure out a name for not the Snooper Bowl? Yeah, well, let's bounce some names off Brett. And we've agreed that that intro didn't work. You're telling the King story story not your own story do you have a musical intro that's less

regal that's more everyday dude yeah less rob regal yeah less rob Regal. Yeah, more everyday dude. I mean, I could maybe work something out. Work on it. Yeah. Okay, so... Snooper Bowl. I mean, I could go over here. And I don't think you can hear this, but he's banging on...

Solve the mystery of drums before our eyes. That's not working right now. No. He's banging on the mystery of drums before our eyes that's not working right now no he's banging on drum an electric drum set and it's either doesn't have a plug or he doesn't have electricity uh i think you're right um well let's just pretend i did a really no intro and maybe we can plug something in later. Okay. Everyday Dude, I think, was going to be three hits of a snare drum. For what I saw, that was going to be the introduction for Everyday Dude. So if you can imagine that.

Oh, well, he probably was trying to be like Animal from the Muppets. Did you see he died? Animal died? Yeah, that's an article that went around. I don't know if it was being funny or not. Wow. Maybe it was trying to be funny. He's a real chameleon.

No. No. How? He's pretty consistent. He's only got the one way he presents himself. Well, I mean, through the eras, he's just kind of adapted, like always relevant. Well, I'll say this.

A chameleon is kind of always doing the same thing. People act like they change so much, but their whole thing is just like they kind of change color a little bit. They're kind of doing the same thing all the time. People use that animal wrong to describe people. I think they might. Except for the way Brett's using it now, which is to say does the same thing over and over again.

Yeah, so there you go. Always doing the same thing. Well, thanks, Brett. Okay, what are some ideas? Okay, great. So if we were in the room, a couple things that we do standard are we would take a name, and sometimes we would do the inverse of it and see how that works. So, we've got this event and we won't say its name.

But I might say mediocre for the first word. And for the second word, I might say container. The mediocre container. And just to get people thinking. Sometimes people like to be made. You're giving me an idea. Great.

Thanks, Brandon. Small plate. Small plate. Now that's already a popular phrase. That's tapas. Sure. I mean, that's tapas.

I mean, do you guys like tapas? It could just be tapas. It's tapa. What? Small plate is tapas. Tapa? Small plate is just one tapa guys like tapas? It could just be tapas. It's tapa. What? Small plates is tapas. Tapa? Small plate is just one tapa. But tapas.

Oh. No, I'm agreeing with you. But do you guys like that? It always sounds like topless bar to me. Okay. Which I love. Okay. Yes.

But I think we're coming on to why we can't maybe sell this to the average measure because maybe he doesn't know what tapas is. It's tapas or it's tapas. But you said small plate. Yes. Singular. Which is un tapa. Hey, when I'm doing a whisper in my microphone, don't answer back loud so everybody know what I ask. Sorry.

So that one didn't work, but I didn't mean to get us off mediocre container. Maybe somebody else got a good idea off that. Well, you were going to send that to Brett, right? Sure. So, Brett, as my everyman, how does mediocre container strike you? And we have a very specific way we ask this. So, it's a one to five scale. One, cold fish.

Five, hot to trot. Mediocre to me. What are the in between ones? Okay. Normally. What's a two? Normally people only answer one or five, but we've got the other ones.

So one, cold fish. We've got it. Okay. Yeah, good. Two is warming up. one or five, but we've got the other ones. So one should almost be a yes or no at that point. Yeah. Good. Two is warming up. Three is sort of warm. Four is really warm.

Five is hot to try. The middle ones are so boring. But where does the fish come from? That's why people only pick one and five how does the fish get involved from one the fish is what is changing temperature oh I see

I would say a mediocre box mediocre container oh god he's still in the sexual territory a mediocre box oh god and I also can see that what he's still in the sexual territory. Well, that's okay. A mediocre box. Oh, God. And I also can see that what he's really saying is, I don't think he knows the word mediocre.

I think he's thinking meaty ogre. Yeah, so he's talking about a meaty ogre box. Like a female ogre. It's meaty? Oh, so what would you say? Cold fish, hot to trot i would say uh kind of warm that's not one of the options it's warming up sort of warm and really warm uh sort of warm sort of warm okay interesting

now is the concern that if this is the opposite of what we want? Right, this is the one strategy. Okay. And are we concerned now that the real thing is gonna also be three in the middle of the scale and he's just indifferent to all of it?

Yeah, sometimes you just get a bad panelist. Yeah, okay. I'm feeling that. Is that my story? Well, it might be, and there's ways to spin it. But sometimes you get a dud where they just put three for everything, and you go home and you wasted your day. And that's someone who kind of doesn't have a mind, is that right?

It's someone who's easily led. It's someone who has a hard time differentiating between choices. Yeah. Somebody who's guessing in every aspect of their life, just kind of hoping they happen to land on something right. I can have someone fill out a small sheet and basically know their life just from that. So that person who's like really literally just lost at sea and has no brain in a way, would they be dressed like Brett? Looking at him right now?

Oh yeah, he fits the profile. Oh good. Big trapper hat. Little boots. Those are little boots Little boots My slippers Too small for your feet

You had to cut holes For some of your feet Can we try catch time on Brett? Oh yeah Great Do it how you would Normally do it science Yes science wise

So catch time One is cold fish Five is hot to trot. Two is getting warmer. Three is sort of warm. I think two is warming up. Kind of warming up. Two is warming up.

Two is warming up. Three is sort of warm. Four is really warm. Four is really warm. Uncomfortably warm or just... For the fish. Yeah. For fish.

They like to be cold. This is for catch time. I think it's a solid two and a half. Okay. So we have to round that up to three. Which is really what we were scared of. I think the temperature is a sliding scale. I think you're overthinking of it.

This is something where you want to go from your gut, and it seems like you're trying to give the answer you think we want you to say, which is hard. Well, I know you don't want me to say three, but that's what I really feel. So I'm saying two and a half is a good, thoughtful. Really warming up. Yeah, good thoughtful really warming up. Yeah, that's really warm.

That's less than sort of warm. Hey, should we have said on this by now that the Super Bowl will have already happened by the time that people hear this? Well, yeah, because this will be a fun look at... They know that, listening to it. No. Yeah, but that

almost makes it weirder that we didn't mention it right this is part of we should be moving a little faster because this is tomorrow we do have to have this super bowl ad completely recorded by tomorrow and also please please edit out me calling it the super bowl two or three times just now that's not what it's called it's called catch time or maybe the snooper bowl or maybe mediocreiocre Container, but it's not called the big game either. It could be called Small Plate and it could be Topa. I think Catch Time is clearly better than Mediocre Container. All right.

Wow, but they both got the same number from you. Catch Time got a lower number. What made you change your mind? Yeah, that's right. It did. It got a half point lower. Well, I was still thinking about meaty ogre box. And then that I misjudged.

And then I didn't really process catch time. And so I misjudged that one. I think we do have to, as you were, I think, trying to sort of move it along, we do need to get this ad we should hear some of the and we shouldn't spend a whole time coming up with the name of the event because yes that's really not gonna matter but it does make it easier to refer to it if we are referred to it as catch time from this yes and you seem to be really pushing the catch time agenda and and do we all remember who came up with that one? We tested it in a lab.

He took my phone. Very scientific. Mm-hmm. A small plate is getting nothing? Well, if it's topless. Topless. Okay. All right.

All right. And that would be, I assume... Number one. No, it's still... Number five. Yes. Oh, wow. Sometimes people just don't know what temperatures represent. Don't know numbers. Yeah, it's still... Number five. Yes. Sometimes people just don't know what... Don't know numbers.

Yeah, or temperatures. You can't... Don't know either one. Worm is always better. Yes. So should we get into doing this? Because we have all the rendering software and things like that. And Brett's going to help us arrange the tracks and all of that to get this thing going.

You're here to help us decide, should it be rando? That's what I do. Should it be exciting? Should it be scary? Should it be fun? Fun, funny, scary. Should it be sad? Should it be rando?

Should it be a sad commercial? Which companies sometimes opt for for to see the rest of this accident go online you know and should it be one of those commercials where you think maybe it's a trick you think it's for something like say like we're gonna do a commercial for math but boring right so then it sounds like it's a commercial for jeans at first and you're going oh i'm can't wait to see what kind of jeans this is oh okay i was thinking the opposite like fake boring commercial and then we and then it turns out to be jeans explode the commercial and it turns out to be jeans and then

well the fear is i guess you lose them they turn off, turn the TV power off when they see that it's mad and they don't get to find out it's jeans. I'm saying if you want me to watch a math commercial, you might have to. And I actually think math is actually really fascinating. Do you agree with that? But that's for you. And this is for like everyone else.

Most people think math is sucky, but math to me is fascinating. And as we do talk about the sporting event, Most people think math is sucky. But math to me is fascinating. And as we do talk about the sporting event, catch time for now, just because we haven't beat it. But catch time. I am so into that world of math and sports and sabermetric money ball. Right. And I'm kind of an expert about that.

And I do understand every piece of that but i also have a very funny joke i like to do about sports that maybe could even be a joke in this which is whenever everyone and you've seen this on tweetosphere when everyone is talking about some game, I always like to go like, hey, I'm watching the sports ball too. Did they go red team? Yeah. Did they get a touch dunk yet? You know, and so it sort of pokes fun at the idea that someone would know the rules. Now that was one of the takes I was curious to see how you would...

Whether I was going to parcel out. Yes, how you were going to deliver it. Whether you would combine that with your other joke take, which is that you like the commercials more than the game. Oh, yes. Well, yes, I only watch the catch time for the commercials. And we can dub in if we come up with a better name later. But I only watch it for the commercials.

But I do respect, look, these are athletes. It's modern day ballet in many ways. It's prime physical specimens performing some of the most amazing feats we're going to see. It's the new gladiator, Russell Crowe. And I think that it is hard to hold both those ideas how can he be so funny about poking fun at sports but also be so funny about saying he likes the commercials and why are you looking at your drums he's wondering why they didn't work before he's about to jump those drums well just they look great don't they yeah i mean right i think they do look nice but not in the way that you seem to be saying they

look nice the way those sticks are just laying there a little bit diagonal, the white shiny snare. This guy about to pull a Judith Light. He about to pull a Judith Light with these sticks. So do we decide whether it should be rando or funny or fun or sad? Well, but can we use this idea of calling it sports ball? I love that. Because at the end of the day, look, am I invested? Yes. But it's just a game.

It's just a game. I'm one of the people who knows it's just a game and it can be silly that we even care. And that might mean that people might shut it off and not see any of the other commercials for other podcasts, maybe, which is good. And this would be a good way for us to scoop feral audio. This would be a good way for us to scoop feral audio at long last. An underused catch time strategy is to do a commercial that actually makes people shut their television off and no other ads then are viewed. Well, because look, is the game exciting and fun and a great way to unify the country and

all sort of have a common language about something? Yes. But it's also just a game and it's almost silly that we're invested at all. And so the way to articulate that most cleanly is to call it sports and act like I don't even know the rules because then that kind of makes you go like, Oh, I guess I'm ridiculous for knowing the rules. And I want to say to everyone out there,

you can have this joke. There are so many ways to do it and i'm not going to be able to do all of them so i think every version is valid just because you've seen someone do it before doesn't mean you shouldn't make a joke about how you don't really care about the sport by saying you do care about it but then clearly illustrating that you don't know the rules, even though you probably do know what it's called. And that, to me, is the peak of satirical comedy. But how do we put that into a visual form? Well, I've been sketching some ideas.

Oh, you have? On these cocktail napkins I bring with me. Oh, wow. Those are really nice. Yeah. One idea. These are from the Biltmore. Yeah, I take two, three hundred cocktail napkins from the Biltmore every time I go.

That's a big hotel. It's fancy. So one idea I had was to use your joke. Maybe we show people fans, faces painted jerseys on but what they're excited for is something that is so clearly ridiculous to the rest of the world uh-huh so yeah what asshole would be excited about this why should they enjoy something right like they're like it's two dogs walking and they they're one person likes one dog's chances of walking faster and the other one wants another or they're it's rain levels yeah and if the dogs have different color

shirts on and they're basically just cheering for laundry at that point absolutely wait what i want to hear the rain levels one so there's like a a fan there's a there's a man and you can tell that his family uh sort of knows to stay away from him because he's nervous because he's a fan of rain levels. Are raid levels just the number of inches that you get at a raid store? Yeah. So he always wants big rain levels. That's what he's a fan of. And Monday morning, if it rained, he's in the best mood of the world

but you also know stay away from larry if it didn't rain uh-huh because his team rain underperformed that weekend yeah he roots for rain and so you're watching and maybe the rain drops can be different colors sometimes and at that point you're just cheering for like you know laundry yes and you might be watching and being like oh i see cheering for rain is not any more ridiculous than cheering for sports ball yes yeah colorado broncos the charlotte panthers yes and uh yes very nice Yes. And, yes. Very nice. So, yeah. And that is, it's all kind of ridiculous. But it is actually fun to watch, but it's just a game.

It's just a game. You can never remind people too much. We can try. And then it says, are we in it at all? Well, that's, we can talk about those options. So, you could actually play the guy. He a fan of rain he's my family i love the idea of putting you in a family situation and the way you were showing that this would be illustrative is like my fan say i'm the rain fan yes i'm looking out the window watching the rain and like cheering yeah i think so well one idea wait it's it wait hang on one second sean do you you have something no one can see this but you're

holding up your your index finger and it really seems like you're you're poised for something Trying to work something out. Hot Waterburn Baby. Oh. Wapner. Definitely Nima K-Mart. Oh, I see. You're a rain fan. I'm being a rain fan.

Yes. And it's a movie. People will get this. You think? Do you think it will be confusing if I was a hot water bird baby and I'm looking at water? Oh, it wasn't for that. Oh, this is just for fun. Just for us. I like it.

Okay, and now move on. So one idea to involve you both in it is maybe one of you is the rain fan. The other's the rain. Or the other one is the sunshine fan. And so you're both looking outside your windows. One person is cheering when the sun comes out. An excellent driver. The other person cheers when the rain comes down.

We could throw in some Rain Man specifics, like counting toothpicks. Well, you could be. If we are going with this Rain fan thing, and that's what I, or maybe you want to do that, because it seems like you're really good at it. That I'm the Rain fan? I could be Little Miss Sunshine, which I would love to be,

because I thought that movie really revitalized independent film. Oh, God. It brought Sundance back. Well, the family was so fucked up, but they were still a family. And maybe the people with the real problem are the people that were judging them for being a little different. Because I think, if I remember correctly, America was built on being a little different. Yeah, they were different. The family was different because the girl liked to dance.

Sexually. And the son was a punk. They had essentially sexualized their child. And there was a mom and a dad. And she's hopping. And the grandpa wants her to be more sexual in the dance that she does. And all of a sudden, that's wrong. I mean, she was almost 11.

If I'm being Lil Miss Sunshine and you're being the rain fan. Right. I'm an excellent driver. Dad lets me drive on Sundays. Are we both? We can't both be looking out the window at the same time.

Uh-oh. I think you would cut rapidly to different days. No. What did Brett say? He wanted to do the fart joke from that movie. That's the most crass, low-class part of the movie. We cut rapidly. I wasn't doing the movie.

You were just announcing that. Saying, uh-oh, fart. You haven't seen the movie. No. I know autism is part of it yeah yes autism is used to comedic effect in that film it's a big subject these days so i didn't want to distract okay it was just i just when you didn't want to distract you just wanted to audibly say uh-oh fart into your microphone while other people were talking.

But you didn't want to distract. And I can feel the end of this conversation that you're playing at. When you say autism is a big subject these days. Didn't used to be as big a subject because we didn't used to have as many cases. Because vaccination was not necessarily as rampant as it is. We will give you the opportunity to talk about this. I have told you that we will find

a time. We haven't found the right episode for it, but you are going to get your platform. We have a Super Bowl ad that needs to be finished. It needs to be on television in 17 hours. So, there will be another... I need time. I need to work out the intro yes well

we don't have the time now i mean and i've read some of the documents you sent me and let's face it the numbers are compelling so i'm not trying to tamp down your voice permanently but for right now we may just want to get into like doing some of these and we also have to schedule find out a time for you and engineer c to be there. Engineer Cody to represent the side that is disconcertingly pro-vaccination. That he thinks that people should get

vaccinations multiple times. Even if they're already immune to something. That he just thinks the shots build character. Wow. And he also is pro-autism. So, in a way, you're on the same side. They agree, really.

He says that we should get more vaccinations so more people can be autistic. Right. Yeah, which, you know, I'll let him voice it because I don't totally understand that side of it. So, you guys do technically disagree. On just whether or not autism is good. You disagree on whether it's good. You agree on the fact that it's caused. Right.

I could articulate his position, but it's really dicey. You don't want those words in your mouth. Mostly, if there's something that Cody has said, I don't want to be on record as saying it even if i'm quoting him because if you if you pull it out of context it's going to destroy me yeah and somehow he's indestructible he's not in the wires listening to this is he no i put i i um protected this house i shielded as I could. There's like a ring of salt around the house. I saw that.

Curry proof. Yeah, burns them out. Cayenne pepper. Like in all the little holes. Make them sneeze. Oh, right. Like Cool Hand Luke when they got the bloodhounds. So, Cool Hand Luke, Ray Man, great movies.

Let's talk about some of these ads. And let's just put them on their feet and see is there anything that gets brett hot to trot or are we all a cold fish or getting warm or slightly warm or really warm okay yeah warming so do we start from a new like try a new premise yes let's just go for an ad let's just go okay I'm gonna play a song

and we'll just go yeah great okay I'll play every other character okay and I'm judging

you're both playing yourself as a viewer of this for the first time okay so you are you are you're just watching this ad. TV fan.

Exactly. TV man, yeah. Okay. Hey, what are you listening to in your headphones? What? I can't hear you. Take off your headphones.

Sorry, it's raining too loud outside. I'm enjoying the rain. And what better thing to watch the rain to than what's in my headphones right now? But I want to know what that is, what's in your headphones. And why are you cracking up laughing but learning too? And then mom walks in if you'd like to see the end of this argument go online okay that was difficult to follow uh i mean i was distracted by the groove, that sweet pepper groove. It was taking you for a walk, wasn't it? The bass.

Right, yeah. It was a very walking bass line, a very petty-ish guitar line. Would you call that a mega groove? Richard Petty, right. Dick Petty. Yeah. Would I call it a what? Is that a mega groove?

A groove so big? It's boss. Boss groove. Mega boss. Okay. Yeah. Overall, the ad, I would say cold fish, but I did want to know more. And I would say we have a minute.

We have a minute. So the ad just ended now. Right. So the discussion would be- So as of now, this is what we have to submit. Yeah, this is part of it. And I have to send it out. Yes, it's got to be.

This is in there. It's going to have aired two days ago. I called in some favors even to do this so last minute. Well, and we appreciate it, but I'd say we're worth it. And this seems like a track where we're on to something good. Do we want to even try another ad? I have another idea. Okay.

Oh! There's a Super Bowl party. So it's a little meta, and we'll call it a catch time party or a small container. And they've invited you both as yourselves. Mediocre box. But you don't follow sports. And so you're trying to keep up with conversation, not knowing anything about sports.

And people relate to that. Okay, that's good. It's going to be a little hard for me to talk about it like I don't know what it is. Well, he's so plugged in. Because I am such a sports head and I do read all the numbers. Some of that comes from me being a super athlete and a brain. And so I'm able to analyze it both from the physical aspect of, I can pretty much imagine myself doing this stuff

because a couple different choices and I'd be out there on the field. And analyzing the angles in real time. Yes, strategically really understanding it. It's rare. And just knowing all the numbers. Processing algorithms to juke somebody out of their shoes, their sneaks. Yeah, and that is how I see it almost with like a terminator vision okay so we're at a party you're at a party and we've got to pretend to really not know it and i think i have a way into great dip hey uh is that guy throwing the oblong uh yeah it's uh you mean the football the what ball what? Hey, I hope he is able to get a real home run.

Oh, like, I think you're thinking of a different sport. I think you're thinking of baseball. Oh, yeah, that's right. I know that, but, um, uh, geez, did the, um, one big meat head, uh, was he able to he able to get a home run? I don't understand. Brandon, we're supposed to be- I'm surprised you stopped because that was really cooking. I was in the zone.

I was feeling it. But for me, I want people to listen to this because they think that we're smart. That someone like Sean is smart. But isn't it smart to say that you don't understand a sport and doesn't that prove that everyone else is being silly yeah that's right okay to comedy okay so you are doing this at the party like you do actually expensive people who enjoy it where you do actually know if you like this but you're but you're like deliberately not knowing just to be mean like i don't like it

and so therefore it's not valid at all for anyone is a cool attitude i think to take about anything okay and people will know i guess that we do know about sports and we'd like to talk about the underlying comedy is that you're winking at the camera as if wouldn't it be funny if we didn't know what we were talking yes right wouldn't it be funny if i didn't know what we were talking about? Yes. Right. Wouldn't it be funny if I didn't understand it? Because that's how silly it is. And it is just a game. I did like... Yes.

Like, contrary to most mediocre box parties I've been to, that the two people were dancing and grooving as they were discussing. I did appreciate your way in. I wasn't sure if it was going know gonna work as well as it did but the the nice dip yeah yeah but sort of backing into each other and dancing uh-huh yeah and that each other and that you were yes people i guess can see they'll see it on the commercial uh but yeah you were dancing a lot well i was doing the swim i was doing the MC Hammer crab walk I was doing sort of a staying alive routine I did the Roger Rabbit

I did the Running Man I did the straight up fucking boogie woogie woogie Yeah you did about one I did the electric slide one physical move from each of these

I did the Macarena a very fast sequence I did the Macaroni I did the locomotion Visually it's going to be I did the macaroni. I did the locomotion. Visually, it's going to be- I did the ocean potion. Really powerful. Yes.

Digitally. Digitally. Oh, God, yeah. I wouldn't be able to do that on camera. I'd be too shy. Let's try a version- No, you've got to green screen it. Where it's two people who are legitimate sports fans.

Okay. And I'm going to come in as your neighbor with a little bit of news that puts your sports fandom in perspective. Oh. Oh, that sounds pretty good. That sounds really good. Okay. And we do, we are sports fans.

This time you're sports. We're just being normal guys. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And are we, am I Hayes? Yeah, you're Hayes. Hayes is Sean talking sports. I've got to be Sean.

Okay. Hey, it's Hayes. Loes is Sean. Talking sports. I've got to be Sean. Okay. Hey, it's Hayes. Loving the game. Oh, look. He fell down. Oh, yes. He's getting back up. Hey, it's me, Gary, your neighbor.

Sorry to interrupt, but the local school's on fire. Oh. Oh, and here I am. God, I mean. That guy falling down. He made a big catch, but now I'm worried about the school. The kids are all dead. It's Sunday, I guess.

So can we stop this song? Can we stop this song? I'm sorry, can we stop this Renegade song? I was thinking the same thing that you are, which is the song is never going to be allowed on television. We can't. are which is the song is never gonna be allowed we can't renegades by ex-ambassadors is um you know unfortunately too true to its title where it's such an outlaw sound that if they put it on tv i would be scared of what would happen in people's homes just listening to it now as i was trying to play a normal, controlled character.

You could see us struggling. Yeah. Absolutely. I almost exploded with rage. I'm scared of what I'm going to do. Against the structure surrounding me, the whole system. When I hear that song and I go, and if they play that on a radio station or on a TV, I think we'd have riots in the streets.

And when you came in, when Gary came in and said the school burned down, my actual thought was good. Yeah. I'm glad. I'm glad about that. No more school. And I hope I said it. And no more school and no homework.

Yes, this is the ad. And no homework. Yeah. Right. No more homework. And I hope all the homework burned as well. Down with homework, Bart Simpson. The idea, the message of Renegade has sunk in.

Use the pencils as arrows. And so it's just a case of the wrong music. And now the ad's over. That can kill. I could tell you stories about music killing spots. Killing stories. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. You want a good one? Yeah. Okay, you want a good one? A good one? Yeah. Okay, you want a good one? So this was an ad for a major national seafood restaurant.

I can't say which one. Mm-hmm. And they have cheddar biscuits. Okay. I'll leave it at that. There's a family. It's Christmas morning. Family wakes up. They're having cheddar biscuits.

They're enjoying themselves. They slept in the restaurant? Yeah. The whole idea of this pie is sort of, what if- Come live here in a restaurant. Yeah, what if a family lived in the restaurant? Yeah. So every day for them was this thing, which for most people is a special occasion.

Would they get used to it? Would it stop? Would it lose its magic? And the ad was, it never will. It's always going to be magical. But the song choices we made really killed that. And are you familiar with the song Dust in the Wind? Yeah. Okay. It was in a the Wind. Yeah.

Okay. It was in a funny movie. Yes. That's the first time I had heard it. And I wrote it down. I was like, I might be able to use this later in a story. And I did, and it did not work. Yeah.

And I'm, you know, I'm loathe to admit it. Because the movie was so funny. What did you say? The movie was so funny that Abel was to take the sadness away from the song right but without the funny movie what happens is it's just as sad it's just sad brett can i just say how proud of you i am that you didn't do any old school quotes just now oh yeah blue baby blue what does he say he says baby blue says it a dozen, baby blue. What does he say? He says baby blue. He says it a dozen times.

Baby blue, baby blue, baby blue. I mean, everyone knows that part of the movie. Yeah, I can see how that would really destroy the ad. I thought that last one was pretty good, pretty interesting. The concept of the ad, I like. The school's on fire. There's stakes. And the stakes are, I'll say it, medium well.

Pretty warm. Is it the fact that it is Sunday is important to know because there are no kids at the school? Yeah, if it was a school day, it would be too upsetting. It's dangerous because it's property. I shouldn't have said the kids are all dead. I mean, they would have to have died separately. But maybe that's kind of funny, too, that somebody has to tell me. Like, there's no school on Sunday, dummy.

And that's a good way to, like, that's what we call a button. Ah. Oh, well, that's so good. So maybe that's the ad, but that's the wrong song. I mean, did we have any other ideas? Yeah. I thought your reaction to the song was in the ad. Oh, that's a good point.

That's a good point, too. That was your reaction to him coming in. Oh, and Brett was able to connect to the bat. Because a lot of times in commercials, there will be a song playing, and you're wondering, are the actors aware of this music playing? Yeah, and do they want to talk about it for they want to and it could be good for us actually to do something like renegades if we can sneak it on the air and say that we're say we're playing a

different song yeah just say like we just label the we're gonna do love fool by the cardigan and then it either starts as love fool and becomes Renegades. Oh, God. Can you do that? Is that something you can do, Brett? I can do that. Oh, wow. Okay. I just like the-

The way you said it, I don't think you actually can. To me, it's realistic. The guy comes in with news like that, and then the music keeps playing. And then before you react to the news, you say, shut the music off. Right? And then you argue about the music. To me, that was real in a way that i wasn't expecting yeah it was it was ultra realism in a way sort of like master of none seems to have just stuck their camera into someone's life and then the way you were

sort of wonky about about the sport before about the falling down and the getting up and it was very detailed. I will say some of the greatest ads come from mistakes. And you'd never know watching it. Oh, wow. I wonder if you have a story about that. I'm not sure if you're familiar. There was a car company.

Can't say much about it. But there was an ad they did where a little boy was dressed as Darth Vader. Are you familiar? Uh-huh. He was not supposed boy was dressed as darth vader you familiar uh-huh he was not supposed to be dressed as darth vader he showed up on set did the take and people are like what's with that kid we can't see its face uh-huh we're gonna need to get licensing things but it made the ad work for the first time but did his face is fucked up and that's why he has that on he's one of those kids who thinks his face is fucked up when it's not uh he got vaccinated yeah he got vaccinated

it had an effect on him and so he's one of cody's kids he's a beautiful kid but he sees himself as deformed oh wow god i say- Face dysmorphia is such a problem in our culture. The one thing about Cody wanting more autism, it seems like he also, like part of it

is he wants to round all these kids up. And rule them in some way. And it seems like he thinks he can harness their powers. He's used that language. And again, I hate to repeat things he said.

You're going down a bad path right here. Yes. I'll nip it in the bud. But he has said that he believes he can harness their powers for his ultimate scheme. Yes. Yes, sorry. Scheme machine. So that's good.

That is good and i also hope that if people do hear renegades that they will uh throw their tv into the street well and as i've done a long time ago and we all know that i don't own a tv but you live underground in my dad's basement yeah as we all know so you sort of had to you do have that little window it was very hard to get it out the window that little certainly didn't hit the street i had to make a sort of this kind of trebuchet i had to launch it with a trebuchet through the window and i had to cut the tv into several pieces but it did you know you had to push it up onto ground level essentially but it did make it to a street that to push it up onto ground level, essentially. Mm-hmm. But it did make it to a street.

That's a great ad. What you just described, that could work. Smash the TV and put it on the trebuchet. And then launch into the street. And then really now, and it actually was very freeing for me. Directions on how to smash the TV. As a director? No, I'm saying this is what we have in the ad.

Oh, well, I think it's someone gets angry. It's that universal thing. I'm angry. I want to throw my TV out. Yeah. Right? And so the audience is watching. And then they sort of realize,

oh, he's in a basement apartment. It's going to be much harder to do that than he first realized. His anger almost goes away or he becomes angry about new things because it's not going to be just that easy. I throw it out the balcony. It's I actually have to build something and figure out how am i going to do something that should be spontaneous yeah yeah and that's funny could you have like a dictionary definition

of trebuchet well on it that's sort of plays into my new character guy who says trebuchet instead of catapult and then acts like it's the more common word like like he didn't know he could have gotten there a lot faster by just saying catapult first. And there is actually a difference between the two machines. They're different devices. Is this the character? No, this is as real as it gets, but then the character does always say trebuchet

and then waits for you to ask. And hopefully you do. So if I said, what's a trebuchet? Which I wouldn't say. It's like a catapult. That would have to be a character too, a guy who doesn't know what a trebuchet is. Because I do know.

For you, that would be a character. So you will need me. But Brett is living that life of that character. And he said he needs a dictionary definition, which makes me know. No, my character's based on Brett. All characters are based on someone you know, like someone from your life.

All characters are based on Brett in some way or another. That's one of those truths. Every character, when you break them down, is eventually Brett. They're just different takes on Brett. You know, and not the Fonz, but most characters. The Fonz, well, sort of in like what... And not Benicio and Sicario either.

Benicio when he's the assassin. The two exceptions to the rule. But sort of from an anti-Brett perspective. You have to start with Brett in order to come up with the anti-Brett, like the fonts. Yes, that's true. So it is based off Brett because you go like, what wouldn't Brett do? And then you start doing it and then all of a sudden you're the fonts. So if I said, what's a trebuchet?

Well, I might say like, it's like a catapult i mean it's essentially like a catapult okay i mean it's different a catapult sort of an arm like if you just picture like a fixed spoon i believe a trebuchet has like sort of a rope or a string that's fastened to the object. And so it launches in that way. But they're very similar. And this would be in the ad. Yeah, we're mid-ad. Oh, okay, sorry. Wow, sorry.

That was really good. Yeah. And now the ad's over. So, to me, this is the winner because we have two original characters who are snl ready yep we're educating people we're getting rid of some tvs it's inherently comedic because he's trying to do something that should be a spontaneous sort of rageful momentary reaction and then it

winds up being a very involved process for him i mean everything about it is good and the only thing that sucks is we didn't mention our podcast no we didn't get the podcast out there at all you're an ad you're a storyteller are the stories you tell i mean do they always have to say what the product is or why well one storytelling device i like to use that I think could work out perfectly in this one is, at the end, we would put up a website. And we'd say, want to know what this ad is for? Click on this, go to this website.

Otherwise, you'll never know. Yeah. In Steve Jobs, the newsroom was mad. They didn't show the product in the the commercial with the marching and the people thought it was for the hammer ah yeah tv smashing hammer right perfect biggest ad of all time in this what do they do in that tradition tradition, yes. Smash the TV. Uh-huh. Ooh. And so it's an homage.

Mm-hmm. Well, that's so good, and this was such a good episode of our show, our little show. And we've got our ad now, and we hope you enjoyed it. We're going to record it right now, and unless something goes drastically wrong with the actual transmission of the ad,

you will be seeing it uh on the super bowl tomorrow and you will have seen it two days ago which is yesterday tomorrow i'm saying of course in relation to today when i record it and two days ago i'm saying of course in relation to when this episode is released if you don't see it i my the only thing i could predict now based on brett's behavior during this episode and what he's doing right now, is he is hoping to render this commercial on his drums. And the drums are a sex object for him. So let's all get on iTunes and rate us and subscribe and do everything good and say hi on Facebook. We love to hear from our fans. And do go on Reddit and argue with each other about was this a good guest and was it nice to hear us together.

And then also go on the Earwolf message board and just have a completely separate conversation just about your own friendship. Thanks for being here. And Brandon, play us out, hombre. Alright, so again, I'm new to the podcast world. I'm

a storyteller. But I will maybe just say one ad again that I wish I had been able to put on the air that I wasn't it's a little boy

he wakes up it's Christmas morning he's in Nazi Germany and he realizes Christmas this year is going to be a whole lot different bye Bye.