Hollywood Handbook - Brett Gelman, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

The Boys and BRETT GELMAN have a little fun making a podcast festival. This episode is sponsored by LinkedIn ( www.linkedin.com/THEBOYS ) and Quip ( www.getquip.com/THEBOYS ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. the Riverdale gang. And it's one of these young Hollywood things I've been hosting lately. And I offer, I'm like, Timmy, you're in charge. I kind of give him the keys to the house and the alarm system code. And I go, I'm going to run out to several of and get refresh the candy bowl and just get some like lemon heads and some sour patch.

Okay. Because the kids are very hungry. They've been housing it. Yeah. And I didn't really plan ahead. Well, are they going crazy? I haven't learned plan ahead well. Are they going crazy? I haven't learned the right amount.

They're going crazy because they're all on a sugar high. And Kiernan is like, hey, while you're there, why don't you grab a six or a Bud Heavies? Now, I'm not comfortable with this ace. No, I know. But I want to seem cool. Uh-huh. These kids are the movers and shakers in town. but I want to seem cool.

These kids are the movers and shakers in town. So I'm in this really weird position where I can't come back empty handed, but I certainly can. I almost wonder if that, okay. So this is, I know, I know this is crazy. Just a dumb idea that just came to my head that they invited you to this

young Hollywood party, even though you are 30, 40 years older than them. Well, I'm hosting it. No, I know. I know.

But they like had you host. Yeah. They wanted me older than them. Well, I'm hosting it. No, I know, but they had you host. Yeah, they wanted me to. Right. So that they could send you out to get butt heavies. I know that's crazy, but it is kind of, it does explain some things about why you were at a Young Hollywood party.

I don't think that's what happened. I think that they sort of see me as a peer. Anyway, I go, Anyway, I go. Obviously, I buy the Bud Heavies. Obviously, I can't give it to them, but it has to feel like something is in there. So I have to stop for gas.

Anyway, I fill the cans up with gasoline. You open them, and then how do you reseal them? I have a syringe. I just have a syringe in the car anyway. That's what I was going to suggest. So I suck everything out, and then I fill it back up. A little piece of wax seal them. That would have been great. So there is just a little hole with gasoline coming out?

Mm-hmm. Bazooka Joe. Oh, okay. Phil Bazooka Joe. So anyway, I get back in. They're all drinking the gas. It seems like it's going fine. Anyway, I get back in.

They're all drinking the gas. It seems like it's going fine. And then one of the kids, who must be like a total burnout stoner, also had brought Swisher Sweets. Yeah, one of the Sprouses, I'll bet. Suddenly is going like, oh, this isn't real beer. And I took my shirt off and I fought him. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. The Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in

the Red Carpet Linebacker Hallways, this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? We've got a guest today. A corker. And it's Brett. Hello. Hey, how are you guys? Hey, Big Brett.

Oh, sure. No, thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Hey, Big Brett. What's going on? No, I mean, I am No, thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Uh, no, I mean, I am big. And it's also like we have, we do have little Brett in the right as the engineer. Yeah. You have to be, there's gotta be a big brain.

I'm bigger in size and I have a more extroverted personality, I think. Right. Oh, sure. Oh yeah. I would say that's fair. But Brett Hart is here. You become medium Brett. Right. No, definitely. Brett over there remains a little Brett is here. You become medium Bret. Right.

No, definitely. Bret over there remains a little Bret. He's a 1T Bret. Yeah. We talk about the hierarchy of Bret's on the show a lot. Yeah. What am I compared to Bret Kavanaugh? You know?

In terms of like your partying? Am I bigger? Like your personality, like your party personality. He is big, Bret. He has a bigger personality than me you think really yeah he's bringing it on that i feel like though i would i think feel like more people prior uh prior his you know janet stop it uh prior his that's my dog janet she's in here she wants treats that are in my pocket. But who doesn't, right? And what better way to get treats than to go...

Than whine the whole time. Shut up. I have seen her have no fewer than 30 treats. It's a little treat. It's like a big treat that I'm tearing little parts off of. So she's only had seven or eight treats. What a tease So she's only had seven or eight treats. What a tease. She's only had seven or eight treats.

So I think, though, that prior to the whole scandal and us knowing, unfortunately, who he is, that if I was at a party with him, I think people would still pay more attention to me. Even if I'm not talking about fame. I'm just talking about big personality. You would have been holding court and he would

have been maybe trying to get his licks in, jumping in with a zinger. And then we would fall flat. So this was his arc. People would act like it was okay because they feel bad for him. But he came out of his shell after this. He really did. That was his arc, wasn't it? Did he he came out of his shell after this, after recent events. That was his arc, wasn't it?

Best thing that happened for him socially, yeah. Did he ever come out of his shell? Yeah, he really did. He really did. Anyway, we don't need to get into that. We're in the studio now, the new studio. It's so bad. I hate it.

Why do you hate it? I hate this wall. I'm sitting next to a wall, and Brett's on the other side of the wall. I hate this wall. I'm sitting next to a wall, and Brett's on the other side of the wall. And now if I ever want to reach out to him and just kind of feel that he's there, I get cold glass instead of kind of warm arm. Uh-huh. Well, maybe they should take this glass down and make it a little less.

Don't you think? I don't know. I mean, I think it's up to you guys. It's okay. I feel connected to Brett to some degree, but it's not my show. And like you guys are new to me. He's little Brett. And you're big Brett.

And I think there's a connection there that transcends glass. But for me, as someone with a completely different name, shares like one letter. I'm going, do we really need more dividers between us is that the answer in 2018 in 2018 we definitely don't need more divide my whole family i'm seeing on a screen now i look over and brett's a pane of glass yeah and this is what led to the exploder going around sending these bombs and by the way i don't approve of what he's doing but he could be good to explode the glass now which could be good you're not talking about the most recent explosion bomb would definitely explode good glass yes yeah i don't think there's a lot of

bomb proof glass no absolutely not especially in recording studios so i don't have a i don't have a plan for it but this guy has got these all these bombs sitting around maybe we could use one for good to bring down divides yeah to bring us closer together instead of yes further dividing our nation um yeah what so yes so the new studio so kevin's on the other side too i don't really care about that okay um that's how do you feel about it how do i feel about it i mean i feel okay i mean he's you know i mean they both have warm personalities that are coming through the glass that's desperation that's like oh that's well sweat and it's very hard for me to by the end of the difference by the end of this record this is

gonna be all fogged up and we won't be able to see them anymore oh from just like sweatiness is kevin gonna take pictures through the glass he can he just nodded he's totally neutered what a psycho freak he's disappearing my problem is is i always come to these things and i'm like uh my problem is you come to these things i'm not camera ready right okay oh yeah we've had that people say oh pictures i didn't realize i knew that there would be a picture yeah but i mean i don't look terrible no i think you look nice you look awesome yeah i have natural long uh hair that's bald on top now so it's like even if it's like messy you know and i'm'm wearing this vintage fleece sweatsuit.

It's a vibe. Thank you. I would say that casual Brett Gellman is a vibe. Definitely. Yeah. Thank you. Big Brett is a mood today. Okay.

And I worship that. Yeah. Speaking of mood, I am pissed today. I'm mega pissed. It always makes for a good show i'm always bringing it when i'm pissed but uh get ready for a rant big brett so people really don't know how i feel still about you calling me big brett really just makes me feel oh so well okay we need some other way no no you can't it's your, you can't. You took the time to have me on.

You can call me Big Brett. I'm just being honest about how I feel about it. I assumed you would like it. As long as we have some other ways to distinguish you guys. Can't do Beard Brett. You both got beards. I don't want that. You are, I think, Brett.

I definitely prefer Big Brett to Beard Brett. Do you want to be Musical Brett? No, Big Brett's fine. It's fine. I'm just being honest. Look, I think we're analyzing this too much. Music Brett. Yeah, okay.

So then I know who we're talking about. Brett Gellman is Music Brett. Why am I Music Brett? Just compare it to him. I do have somewhat a musical element to me. Absolutely. I'm getting that. I don't play an instrument I want to learn.

Okay, so that right there, I would say, would give me the edge. Because Brad doesn't play an instrument and he doesn't want to learn. And he only wants to pretend that he knows how to play one. But I really, in how I speak and the fact that I'm good with language too.

Yes. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not fluent in another language, but I can, I can take things on, you know? Yeah.

Your speech is your engine. Yeah. There's a musical quality to me, I think. Definitely. Yeah. Like an incantation. Yes.

It really does sort of hypnotize me. The voice is also an instrument. Yeah, that's what we're learning. Even just the speaking voice. Yes, and the sort of... Not necessarily the singing voice. The speaking voice. Both, but he's got both.

Although I do need to take more vocal singing training. And where are you taking that, at the YMCA? I don't... Should I? The pool? I haven haven't started yet i didn't know that they offered classes the acoustics in the pool oh my god yeah oh i bet so it's not a class like being at the met yes the ymca yes the same way yeah same acoustics as uh the pool has to be empty but you can do stuff in there that will force them to empty it out right yeah it's a two-step process what the voice instructor does is he shits in the pool that's a half hour before you get there they drain the pool open wound there and it's ready for

an open wound sure yeah you're in there with an open wound people spot that and then you go well that's fine the chlorine will clean it and they go no no we have to clear it all right you know so i have to give myself an open wound or someone else can do it someone else with an open wound you can there's always somebody at the y who has an open wound everybody's got that buddy who has an open wound we all know that right yeah and I've been that one. Right. I've been him. Sure, sure. I don't have a lot of buddies who are- Who got the weeping sort of dash. Hey, then Brett got news for you, then it's you. Mm-hmm. If you look around and none of your buddies have a-

Oh, we're talking about, are we talking about emotional wounds here? I definitely have many open emotional, psychological wounds. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I just want to say this is kind of like a fun Hollywood show. So totally. No, you're right.

It's, it's my fault. No, I just like, like lots of people don't know. It just sucks. It just sucks when the vibe gets fucked up. We're not like, you know, like I wasn't like going to tell you why I, I just, I was just saying that that i have i do have open wounds and it's just don't you dump the both of you huh wow i guess i didn't want the vibe to get fucked up okay and now let's just drop it i'm being forced to like examine like i yeah i guess um yeah, I feel a certain distance between myself and Hayes that wasn't there before. Who really is just a stand-in for my dad.

So at that point, it's like, wow, he's a stand-in for your dad, huh? You're really like clocking in. You relate to relationships in terms of distance. You use a lot of yeah distance lingo both of you yeah that's um cross country that was a big cross country guy oh okay so i'm thinking about everything yeah in terms of distance to be traveled as quickly as possible without getting too tired park invitational oh great. That's cool. 13 years old.

What is that? The Wicker Park Invitational. Wickham Park Invitational. That was the big cross-country race for middle schoolers. Cool. That's a good memory. We led all of that to a good memory, right?

Or maybe it's a bad memory. I don't know. Nobody was there. Anyway, what were you? Oh, okay. Well, that's not good. Had to get a ride home from my friend's mom. Oh, wow.

Well, your friend's mom was there? Or no, she just came and picked you up? She had ulterior motives. Oh, boy. But you know what? Let's talk let's talk about we were talking about being pissed i guess this is a pretty huge wound uh and like my forehead basically emotional psychological which is financial wound scott ackerman didn't invite us to the pcast blast and we had a charity show scheduled with theoughboys that they had to cancel because of an exclusivity clause, Brett.

An exclusivity clause with the PCAST blast. Who are the Doughboys again? Oh, Brett, you got to do Doughboys. Who are the Doughboys again? And Janet. You're going to love it. You bring Janet on to do Doughboys? Oh, my God.

Who are the Doughboys again? Janet would slay. Mike Mitchell and Nick Wilder. Oh, right. These two young sort of comedy dudes. Of course I know them. That's right. That is their show.

Their dynamic is unbelievable. It's this almost mismatched energy, like a couple that's odd. I detect hostility in your voice. Comedically. it's odd. I detect hostility in your voice. Comedically. If you can imagine something like where one of them is a little more clean cut

and nebbishy. They couldn't... I'm sorry. No, no, no. One's clean cut and nebbishy. The other must also be clean cut and nebbishy. But he's not. He's Mitch.

I cut you off because I know both of them clean-cut and nebbishy. Yeah. But he's not. He's Mitch. He's Mitch. I know. I'll cut you off because I know both of them. Yeah. Mitch is not nebbishy. He's, you know. He's a bit of a loudmouth. Yeah.

Who, Mitch? Yeah. He's a sloppy bitch. You could call him. Oh, look at the guy. He's like a puppy. I've always thought he was like very puppy-esque. But like a messy puppy.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, puppies are messy. A sloppy bitch. Yeah. Puppies are messy. So they get to go to the PCAS class. Okay okay and they're not allowed to do the charity show they can't do the charity show so that's money being stolen from charity by you really do not the first time we were

supposed to it's interesting that people over the pcast blast have an exclusivity clause that is interesting which just proves to me that mean, it makes me feel like podcasting has gotten really out of control. And that people are pretending that it's like, you know, more official than it is. It seems like we could take a step back at this point and be like, okay, really? It just, you know, this is, it's just, it's not good for anyone for us to be like,

have an exclusivity clause with PCAST Blast. No live appearances. I just, I also don't know how I feel about something called the PCAST Blast. Well, I, well, I think that's interesting because I wanted to, look. Is it interesting? Living well is the best revenge. Right, of course. I'm not going to sit here and drag Scottott all day he he made a festival he's

happy why don't i make a festival and why don't i give mine a fun name and we were thinking of announcing hayes and i are gonna schedule our own podcast festival and we're gonna call it the stinky peepee fart show or something like that because that's apparently what people want wait what well the p cast blast and it's spelled P-E-E. So they like kind of gross out comedy. Oh, they're talking pee. Yes. Urine.

That is how it is spelled for real. And that's intentional, and apparently people buy tickets to that. And your credit card company will see that. Right. Keep people young. Yeah, I guess. Deny your adulthood.

At all costs. So this one is called the pee-pee stinky fart. Okay. Do you really want to stoop to that level, though? Because I, look, I didn't want any of this. I didn't want any of this. But you feel, and you guys, you were telling me you were invited to the last one. Yes.

A year ago, we did appear on the show. Scott apparently was not happy with how no one knew who we were or liked the show. And all of a sudden, that's grounds to disqualify us. Why didn't people like it? Carl Tard, our guest, I guess, was maybe his fault. I would like to blame Carl if possible. Why would it be his fault? Because I've been doing the show this whole time.

Yeah, I've been doing what I do for a long time. Right, and Carl hasn't. Well, he hasn't been doing what I do, that's for sure. Right, right, which is this, hosting this. Yeah, having your own show. He was your guest on the show, right? Yeah. Was he not a guest on shows before yours?

Was yours one of the first? He's one of people's favorite guests. Oh, okay. I think he actually won an award for favorite Earwolf guest. Oh, wow, really? Yeah. For being on this show? No.

Oh. For being on Comedy Bang Bang. Oh, Jesus Christ. Which is part of it. I mean, it's the same thing as like you know putting pee in the show people have a certain set of expectations with comedy bang bang

that like everything's a big joke and we're like being silly and not actually talking about real stuff not like real emotional stuff but like real Hollywood news

yeah of course big news no I know what you mean yeah I uh oh I just moved that mic out of my eye line and now we're able to make way better direct eye contact yeah it's good right people love when i make prolonged eye contact with them nothing better look at them in the eye oh they

love when brett gellman just pour into my eye. Yeah. No, it creates a lot of new friendships. So we thought you know, oh, go ahead. No, please. We thought you know, Brett knows everybody. I do know everyone. Brett, who better to take a chunk of this show,

a percentage, and help us like really build this into something that's huge or at least like the tiniest bit bigger than a PCAS blast. One thing we- It's going to be across the street. One thing we will run into and you have to sort of be careful,

is we have to have a huge exclusivity clause. Because if somebody comes and talks bullshit nonsense on a mic in one room, it's got to be six months before they do totally different stuff on a mic in another room nearby. When they're coming in and bringing in this very studied, incredibly prepared material. It's proprietary. Yeah. I mean, you have to keep it precious.

We got to draw some hard boundaries around that. I mean, what the fuck, man? Contractually. People need to be a big dog. People need to be like a big deal, right? Everybody's got to be a big dog yeah people need to be like a big deal right everybody's gotta be a big fucking deal right yeah yeah everybody's like oh god i'm huge every fuckhead on twitter right just like thank you look at my followers look at my hashtag check out my tweet oh yeah read my you know we talk about the culture of narcissism right now but i mean like

we really we don't use this term enough delusions of grandeur thank you so much and everyone thinks they can do this when like yes i'm doing it but i actually have fans and i have like a like so many of them but now everyone else is doing it too please Please. It's crazy. Oh, come on. Go off, King. Yeah. Take the crown off. Yeah. And see that it's made of paper. Mm-hmm.

Yes. The paper is true. It's like a Burger King crown. And it's like brutal to say, but it's a Burger King crown. Yeah. No, it's corporate. It's corporate. Yes, thank you.

It's not even like a homemade crown. It's fast food. It's from a corporation. It's poisoning us. It's poisoning. It's corporate and it's flimsy and it's weak. It's not even like a homemade crown. It's fast food. It's from a corporation. It's poisoning us. It's poisoning our families. It's supposedly going to create a fun family experience, but instead it's corporate. It's paper.

It's doing climate change. It's toxic. It's killing the animal and planet. Oh, yeah, it's increasing carbon footprint. And the tree. Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah, and the tree's dead, too. Yeah. And the tree. Footprint. Forget it. Definitely. Yeah, and the tree's dead too.

Yeah. And the tree is dead. Hollywood handbook. So where is the P whatever the fuck it is? The Ace Hotel Theater? At the Ace Hotel Theater. So they're just going to roll people in and they're going to sit down on chairs and they're going to do their podcast for a live audience.

And then another one does it. And then another one. Right. And then another one. And they've all got. And then another one. They've all got six month exclusivity clauses. Yes.

But just for LA. And I think we are thinking we would do Northern Hemisphere. We know how city specific podcast performances are. Yes. Of course it has to be in like LA County that they can't do it. I imagine these people are really getting paid a lot to do an exclusive podcast. I can only speak to my own experience from last year,

and no, they are not. Oh, yeah. No, I think we did. I don't remember what we did. That will make Scott mad. That will. No, yes, I'm kidding, of course. What I will say is a lot of people have gone like,

hey, you guys should go and be guests on all the shows, and that'll be a thumb in the eye. And I go like, why? They're all getting paid. They're probably getting paid pretty good money. Nobody's going to pay us to be a guest. Yeah, that's true. And we have our rival show across the street.

So we're going to be a little busy. That'll be great. Across the street from the studio or across the street from the studio or across the street from the ace across the street from the ace hotel okay the pp poopoo oh that yes the pp poopoo duty fart stink blast well i'm in i mean yes here's the thing when is when is this pcast blast i don't know when is it when is it and i see kevin lean over and into brett's ear and december 15th when you say brett it's just totally throwing me off right has has bang bang uh been like guested is he have all of his guests? Oh, that's a good question.

Because I am... You're looking to get on the beat, Gazblast. I'm not trying to get on it. I'm just like, no, and I won't do it. Because I'm loyal to you guys. I'm just saying like... I mean, you were joking about the exclusive. I don't have to be exclusive, right? What would I do then if you're not exclusive how would we do a podcast

if you're not exclusive how can i possibly you're right we can say you know what you're right wait wait wait no we can we can do carve outs in it you can you want you can do movies oh yeah if you want to carve out a specific project as long as i can see the paperwork on it from the production the dope boys can't do movies or television no they can only do the pk's blast not gonna be an issue they didn't even blink at that right right they were like good no right i mean love got canceled something i can tell my parents you know or or love ended its course i mean didn't get canceled it's good for them because it's like said everything the holidays and when they go home for christmas and it like, what have you been working on? It's like, actually, we did this big Peacock has blast. We're not allowed to be in movies and stuff for a while. Yeah. And that's

about how long Mitch goes back to Quincy for the holidays. It's about six months. So he has kind of a built-in exclusivity clause with his travel plans. Cool. So let's talk about who else is going to do this show. Should I say some of the people we've been talking to I've been hearing that starting his own podcast is potentially Don Shula. Who is that? Don Shula, coach of

the 72 Miami Dolphins. The only perfect football season ever. He's doing a show called If the Shoe Fits. If the Shoe Fits. Yes. Oh, great.

And we are in conversations with some of his people about him potentially doing the pee-pee-poo-poo stinky fart. It's so funny. It's just like, it's good. Oh, yes. Pee-pee-poo-poo stinky fart blast. Yeah. Yeah. it's so funny it's just like it's good oh yes yeah uh pee pee poo poo stinky fart blast yeah

yeah yeah well it has to be a blast um and that maybe Darcy Carden will be his guest who

Darcy Carden who's Darcy Carden she plays so you know her as Janet from The Good Place who your dog is named after of course

of course of course Darcy Carden yes of course what am I talking about? I know Darcy. Yeah. That sounds great.

That's a great start. So you got us three. Yeah, that's right. I have been a little bit emailing with Josh Gatt about doing a show called On Book. Now, there is, of course, a show at the PCAST class called Off Book where these people create an improvised musical.

Pretty fun. But what about On Book where Josh Gad just reads a book? Great. You know what I mean? Like Gats. You see that production of Gats? Do you know about this theater production where they did the whole book?

It's like eight hours of The Great Gatsby. Oh, I thought it was Josh Gad doing cats. No, but that should happen too. Yeah. So they just read The Great Gatsby. Although I would feel weird because of my very famous... Your 10,000 cats. Yeah, every... Special. 1,000 cats that, you know...

I've seen it 10 times. Billion cats. Oh, you have? Yes. So it is 10,000 cats for you. Will you stop? Janet. She's being bad, Janet, now. She doesn't like times. Billion cats. Oh, you have? Yes. So it is 10,000 cats for you. Will you stop? Janet. She's being bad, Janet, now. She doesn't like when you talk about cats. No, no, no. She doesn't like that at all.

Dogs only for Janet. Yeah, which, I mean, 1,000 cats. I'd say that 1,000 cats is almost as huge as the Doughboys. Yeah. Right? Yeah, absolutely. Are the Doughboys very popular? Are they a very popular podcast? Unfortunately, yes. Can we check in on how many Patreon subscribers they have? Please, absolutely. Are the Doughboys very popular? Are they a very popular podcast? Unfortunately, yes.

Can we check in on how many Patreon subscribers they have? Please, Little Bratz. Yes, coming right up. Thank you. And I'll have the calculator out so we can tell you how much money they make every month. And how is this show? I mean, you guys get, right? You're doing okay?

Well, so here's the thing. Last time we tried to say how much money we make off this show. We got in trouble. Kevin deleted it because it's in our contract that we're not allowed to say. There's like a non-disclosure. Right. Because he wants to keep us from unionizing. Isn't that illegal?

Should be. Where are we at on the Patreon? Not anymore. Nothing's illegal anymore. Everything's legal now. Except being free uh anyway uh uh being free to be who you are yes um anyway uh what uh free speech is illegal and i'm not even how many how many Doughboys has 6,445 patrons. Minimum $5 each.

Per month. So that's per month. That's how much they make per month. $32,000 a month the Doughboys get. But some of them pay more than that. There's a higher tier, Sean. Wait, you get a certain amount of money off of your patrons? Their Patreon, yeah, that's how Patreon works.

Oh, because they pay. Oh, yeah. Yes, it's $5 subscription. Wow, the Doughboys are making $32,000 a month? And they still felt they had to do the peak as flat.

They're splitting $386,000 a year instead of charity. Man, I got to start doing a fucking podcast again that's not like an album every episode. Hell yeah, dude. That's how me and Cyrus

fucked up. We put too much work on our shoulders. And I'm pleased Please do not. Huge mistake. Effort is never rewarded in podcasts. Sit down and open your mouth. My mother has been wanting to do a podcast with me.

Great. She told me yesterday. That would be popular. That would be good, right? That's a new thing. Start a Patreon. Start a podcast with my mother. Yeah.

Don't tell her. Yeah, start a Patreon. Don't tell her about it. And Janet, too. Janet wants it. I don't know if you yeah start a patreon don't tell her about it and janet too i don't know if you can hear janet at home but she definitely wants it on the podcast they're like yeah we can yeah will you stop will you stop uh oh god okay that's a no i mean it is like no it's absolutely not janet respect showbiz. It pays for your food. It puts a roof over your head.

Not this particular showbiz, obviously. $32,000 a month off of podcasting. What are we, crazy? That's what the Doughboys are rolling around with. Fuck, man. So maybe it's worth the exclusivity. And it's more than that. That was if you multiplied it by five, but there's an $8 tier, Brett. There's an $8 tier, and they're doing live shows.

That's double dipping. Fuck, man. They're doing the people. I know. I got to start doing a podcast. Right, Brett? And they're doing live shows. That's double dipping. Fuck, man. They're doing the people. I gotta start doing a pop. Right, Brett? Little Brett? Yes. You have to.

Yeah. And don't put any effort into it. I'll put effort. I mean, every moment for me to be on this fucking planet is a lot of effort. Okay? With this brain. Oh, my God. Not that my life is hard.

No, my life is very privileged. But my brain. Oh, what a drag. Just chomping on you, huh? Not that my life is hard. No, my life is very privileged. But my brain. Oh, what a drag. Just chomping on you, huh? Oh, it's always chomping on me. Trying to get out. My first word was not a word. It was a phrase.

It was, get me the hell out of here. What is this? Anyway. Again, it's Hollywood. Put me back in. put me back in put me back in maybe that's what i'll call the podcast between my mother and i put me back in uh and then the audience can guess whether it's one of us or the two of us that are mentally ill uh shula i think we know the answer to that carden gad anyway god yes who else who are your people on book you could have you could have gad and you could hopefully get a billy

crystal drop in so you could have a comedian do you have a line uh there is it like you have contacts with uh with billy i mean you know i can put in i can write a letter that maybe he'd appreciate oh yeah sure i feel like i'm in a place now where i'm more respected as an artist than i ever have been oh god you know i'm so i'm not a big deal yet but i definitely am like a high medium deal you know yeah the artists are and yeah yeah and billy's tapped in billy is very tapped in he knows all the stuff that's going very tapped into everything i'm seeing him at like the bootleg theater like he just shows up to stuff in like a blue baseball cap pulled down low because he just likes to know what the scene is feel the energy of the young comedians, I feel like.

Yeah, no, he's at the Dynasty Typewriter. Oh, God, yeah. Every night. Every night. Every night. Calls it the Hayworth still. Still refuses to call it Dynasty Typewriter, but he's there every night.

God, Josh and Billy would be incredible. Josh and Billy. Incredible. Why didn't they just do a tour and call it Jilly? Jilly Bosch. Yeah. Sean's dog's name is Bosch. Yeah.

Yeah. That could have been cool. That would have been cool. So you get Gad, you get Billy, and you get your dog all in one title. Oh, no. Jilly and Bosch. Jilly and Bosch, yes. That could be so sweet.

Think of the exclusivity clause. Oh, Jillian Bosch, yes. That could be so sweet. Think of the exclusivity clause. Oh, my God. I think you could get your dog to sign at least a two-year exclusivity clause. Yeah, I think he's that stupid. For the pee-pee-poo-poo fart blast. There's probably a joke about how he has claws. Yeah, who else is on the fucking PCAST blast? I mean, I can't believe this asshole.

There's Off Book. Off Book. It's Teacher's Lounge. It's Throwing Shade. It's Teacher's Lounge. Okay, Throwing Shade, I know. What is Teacher's Lounge? blast i mean i can't believe their show off book off book teachers lounge throwing shade at teachers lounge okay throwing shade i know what is teachers lounge did you find a stitcher premium exclusive show this is another way you can make big money their show you subscribe it's like the netflix for podcasts you pay five dollars a month and you get access to a bunch of uh shows like our premium show uh and the teachers lounge and scott and pft and lauren lapkus are

doing one called freedom with stitcher premium with stitcher premium but now it's stitcher premium so that's allowed to coincide with earwolf or yes and in fact it's like a brother or sister company yes they're they're best friends and you could go with your mom to Stitcher Premium, and you could get the money up front if you don't want to deal with Patreon. How much do you guys make a living off of this show? Yes. Yes. But we're not even allowed to say that.

Right, we can erase it. Now Kevin is about to smash through the glass. Podcasting is, I mean, why the fuck am I not doing this, Kevin? Let's get it going again. The barrier to entry is very low. It's so fun. And I can just have, I just need a simple thing. I ditch, Cyrus is nowhere near it.

He doesn't have time anyway. And fuck him, you know? I don't need him. I don't need anybody. You'll make more and more podcasts if you start. And then you will start to hate yourself repeat yourself and hate it

but I never repeat myself and I never hate myself and I never hate anything that I'm doing it's great being a solo act Brett it's a real advantage to be just your own guy we are unfortunately

lashed to each other for eternity yeah uh and so me and my fake dad over here right and so that has the more you're the patriarch of this well i'm the host you've been sort of getting that vibe of course uh and sean sort of like a sidekick figure. Yeah. Right. No, of course, but even split. And so we are, we'll just be costing each other money, uh, until we die. Uh, basically just to look at each other and see like the money being stolen from

us. Essentially both of us experiencing this, uh, until we die on the same day. Right. Could be a good sort of cartoon of two pickpockets each reaching out to one another. Yep. That's what it is.

Wonderful. We're talking to Hayden Christensen. About doing our, our, the pee-pee-poo-poo, poopy fart. Okay, great. Duty Blast. Yeah. Shattered Cast. It's just a sort of behind the scenes of the film Shattered Glass.

Yes. But he, in podcast form. You know, I grew up, I grew up with that, with Glass. Mr. Glass? What was his first name? No, with his brother. Oh. I was in a sketch group in high school with his brother.

I was in Grapes of Wrath with his brother. His brother directed me in this play in which I don't remember the name of it, but I played a gnome who writes for this guy and is kept in his closet. But like, you know, it's sort of like a gnome Cyrano. But I think that's what it's called. It was called Gnome Cyrano. Oh, good name.

Gnomano. Okay. Gnomano cyrano my thought what cyrano cyrano gnomono cyrano gnomono yeah cyrano great deburger gnome deburger it really i don't remember the name so it really was and i think the original actor who played my character was, what's his name? From Frasier, not Kelsey Cramer. Oh, no, David Hyde Pierce. David Hyde Pierce, of course, the great David Hyde Pierce. Wow.

I was very honored. This is a real play. It is a real play. But, like, yeah, his brother. I grew up with his brother. So that's amazing. Wow. I was really hoping you would say that because we don't actually have him.

I'm just kind of throwing wishes. You're just saying things we wanted. I haven't talked to Mike in quite a while. Mike Glass. Yeah, Mike Glass, but I can reach out and see what's happening. Janet? So you talk to Mike, he gets us Jason. Interesting, they were both born with sort of a flair for the theatrical

and one channeled it into the arts and the other into the media which really is a form of the arts yeah yeah yeah definitely nowadays would we even be in trouble for doing that well nowadays the media is the Nobel Prize the media is you know hey if you could remove the terror

and rage associated with your own feelings when you watch it, the news would be the best television show on television. Sure. I think so. I've been working on sort of a thought experiment of comparing our current political situation to a reality show. That's so innovative and original.

I'm figuring it out. I'm figuring out exactly what it is. I do see some similarities. Yeah, I mean, I think you're going on a little bit of a limb there. I'm figuring it out. I'm figuring out exactly what it is. But I do see some similarities. Yeah. I mean, I think you're going on a little bit of a limb there. Again, I am going to make sure it's fully baked before I introduce it to a wider audience. Just make sure, yeah. See how many people agree with that or not.

Yes. I'm testing it. I'm sure you'll get a fair amount at least. This news now? I think you can run on a fair amount. That's the dream. That's all I'm asking. This news now to a reality show

yeah today now are you saying it would be the best television show on television all time or just right now because that's right now right now because well yes well we know number one's good place because we read the tv guide ratings tv guide did top 100 they did top 100 and the news was actually not on this before camping by the the way, I want to say, Brett. So that was not eligible before you asked. Right. Okay. What about Stranger Things?

Where was that? Stranger Things was way up there. On there. Oh, yeah. Brett, what was Stranger Things on the TV Guide top 100 list? TV Guide top 100 shows right now. Stranger Things. Pull it up.

Stranger Things. TV Guide. Top 100. right now. Stranger Things. Pull it up. Stranger Things. TV Guide. Top 100. Oh, no. There's no way he finds it. Oh, God. And we have to just wait. We could Google it, too.

And Fleabag. What about Fleabag? Fleabag was up there. It was. And so was her other show. Killing Eve. Yes. Killing Eve?

Brett was number five. Yeah. That was top five. It was very good. I have a hundred and number four. Phoebe's, you know, Phoebe's the shit. Killing Eve yes Killing Eve Brett was number 5 yeah Killing Eve was number 5 it was very good I have a hundred it's very good number 4 Phoebe's you know

Phoebe's the shit yeah the Duffer Brothers are the shit do we get should I go through the whole list all hundred

the whole hundred the whole hundred control F stranger things how about okay well what's what's number 1 the good place the good place

what's number 2 Atlanta Atlanta okay what's number one? The Good Place. The Good Place. What's number two? Atlanta. Atlanta, okay. What's number three? Better Call Saul. Again, I could just go. It's not the news. Number four is Game of Thrones.

Better Call Saul, really? If we're going to just go one at a time, I could just do it. Is Better Call Saul massively watched? It is. Oh, gosh. I don't really know that much about their numbers. But I like the show. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, of course. There it is. Stranger Things. It's amazing. It got its own key art, so that means it's really high. Seven, Brett. Seven, okay. What about Fleabag?

I'd rather you didn't just read off the screen. I'd like to present it. Yeah, okay. Okay. It's truly not up to you. That's why this glass is here. Little Brett's getting feisty. No, I don't think he can be called Little Brett anymore.

That was very big. It's valid this glass is here. Little Brett's getting feisty. No, I don't think he can be called Little Brett anymore. That was very big. That was very, very big. It's valid, right? My feelings are valid? But to me, it feels like Hayes has his hand on Little Brett's forehead. He's swinging. And he's swinging at nothing. Just can't quite reach Hayes' torso.

He's punching himself with a freaking nard. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, jeez. So where was Stranger Things 7 7 so high

damn wait what's 5 and 6 5 is Killing Eve 6 is Game of Thrones wait what was 4 6 is Game of Thrones 5 is Killing Eve 4 is

One Day at a Time one day at a time Netflix so I gotta watch that I mean I heard that's good I haven't watched it I did audition for it

I auditioned for Norman Lear. You did. Was it amazing? It was cool. I met him once at somewhere. Oh, wow. And,

uh, I mean, you know, something else, right? Legend. Yeah. A legend.

Yeah. Yeah. Do we get him? You could get Norman Leary. Yeah. Especially when he hears the title of the should pee pee poo poopee-poo-poo-fart-blast. Say no more. That's his wheelhouse.

He's in. He's in. So he's locked and he's exclusive. He's not allowed to do one day at a time. Maybe you lie to him. You're like, pee-pee-poo-poo-fart-blast race show. That could be a nice little carrot to dangle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He'll be into that if you do that um okay cool fleabag we're uh and they made this before camping obviously okay yes not eligible a pre-camping list what about love is it is love too after it they didn't consider love it's everything that's currently on tv before love not on on the list. And they said explicitly that it was eligible. Just Mitch, if you're listening, they said that it was okay to go on the list, but it didn't make it. It was number 600. And then they went through the reason. I'm on that show too, though.

I'm on that show. I mean, they said it's because of Mitch. They went through a list of people whose fault it wasn't. They didn't say it was Mitch's fault. They said, dear Mitch, it was eligible. We want you to know that. And it could have easily been on. whose fault it wasn't. They didn't say it was Mitch's fault. They said, dear Mitch, it was eligible. We want you to know that. And it could have easily been on.

And the reason it wasn't on was not Brett Gelman, Claudio Doherty, Paul Rust, Gillian. Gillian. I always almost say Jillian. Right. Gillian.

Everybody does. And I know. And I want to be the guy who doesn't do that. Well, you didn't. Yeah. And they said you. They said your name't do that. Well, you didn't. Yeah. And they said you. They said your name, too.

It wasn't the Clem Dog's fault because I did pop up. Yeah. Clem Dog. Okay, now I get it. Now I feel less bad about Big Brett. If you call yourself Clem Dog, I can be Big Brett. Yeah. Yeah.

And Brett, I'm sure you're fine with Little Brett if he calls himself Clem Dog or no. I don't love Little Brett. This is the first. I'm still proud of him. How about Smart Brett? Sure. As long as that's sincere. You can be Smart Brett.

And Brett Gellman is Brett the genius. You can call somebody. Brett the evil genius. Okay, so this sounds great. Everything that you're talking about. This festival is good. We have a whole show. It's a recipe for success. How much are tickets?

How much are tickets? I don't know. $400. $400. Hayes, you writing that down? $400, yes. I typed in my calculator. Brett has to go. Of course. I don't have to go yet. Oh, good. I have. What do you want to do? You do has to go. Of course. I don't have to go yet. Oh, good. I have. Well, what do you want to do?

You do have to go. What do you want to talk about? It's very typical for Kevin to lie to me about these things. No, I do have to go. What's going on, Brett? I thought it was 10.50. Doing a big movie. I don't want to go.

What am I doing? Oh, well, a movie is coming out on VOD. I'll watch that. It's called Room for Rent. Okay. It's called Room for Rent. It's directed by Matt Atkinson. Written and directed by Matt Atkinson. Any relation to the...

Well, who do I know that's Atkinson? I'm thinking of the Atkins diet, maybe. Any relation to the diet? Well, it's Atkinson. So, I gotta ask. Let me ask him. I'll ask him if.

And I mean, and some old friends of ours. Tell him, do me a favor. Tell him, lose the sin. It's cleaner. Right. No, I should. Just the end. And then people, you know, people love that diet.

So they love him. Oh, my God. People are going crazy with this Atkins diet. Yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah, they're really going crazy. That is all people talk about right now. I mean, Janet's essentially on an Atkins diet right now with these treats.

And I can see it's making her a little cranky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's got Mark Little and Mark McKinney. Whoa. Stephanie Weir. Whoa. And Carla Gallo. Whoa.

Okay. I know a ton of stuff yeah room for rent yeah and i'm mysterious border i have top billing in it okay no i'm not really like the lead lead i'm like the second lead oh mark's really the lead but uh they took a look at the imdb pro star meter and my lawyer did some fucking good yeah good fancy like you shove that good star meter right in their fucking faces like he should oh love it um then i'm on camping yes which is on hbo right now this coming out this coming week thank you kevin well great the third episode it's out already no i'm talking about this episode of our episode i see just so i know exactly what people watched the third episode.

I just shot the second season of Fleabag. Oh, my God. Oh, great. Yeah. Cool. So I got a lot of fucking shit going. In jolly old England. I got a lot of shit going.

I'm going to start doing a podcast here with my mother. You have to. I'm going to have my mother. I mean, Scott's a piece of shit. Let's just say it. He's just a fucking piece of shit. That's not what I'm going to have my mother. I mean, Scott's a piece of shit. Let's just say it. He's just a fucking piece of shit. Hey, that's not what I'm saying. Who thinks he's like this mogul.

And it's like, you're not a fucking mogul, dude. Okay? It's just, you know, you're a comedian amongst comedians. The worst thing, the worst thing that happens in this scene is when comedians feel the need to make themselves more important than their peers. And this is constantly what is happening. That's the worst thing. The reason I got into this business

is to get away from bosses. But Scott wants to be my boss. Be a fucking boss. And so we don't have true collaboration and we don't have true harmony and we have a lot of bad feelings. And it's like, look, we're all comedic. We all have a lot of bad feelings and it's like, look, we're all comedic. We all have a lot of bad feelings.

Otherwise, we wouldn't be funny, I guess. And you would just think that somebody would really empathize with that, especially when they themselves possess those qualities. They're probably struggling with some stuff, yeah. Hayes talks all the time about dominance hierarchies and how they're sort of inherent to our nature who Scott is

yeah he's a fucking sociopath bye