Hollywood Handbook - Brett Marcus, Our Engineer Friend from Germany

Episode Date: September 5, 2016

Hayes is late to the studio so Sean and Brett have some time to catch up. ALYSSA MILANO is the guest. Come see us at the Now Hear This podcast festival: nowhearthisfest.com This episode Five Four Group and Casper Mattresses.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Got a text. Is he on his way? Huh? Yeah. Hayes? Hayes, yeah. Yeah. Hayes? Hayes, yeah. Yeah.

He said, he texted me that he was on his way, like, I mean, almost three or four hours ago. Three or four hours ago? Yeah. He said he was close. I mean, so he should be here soon. He only lives like 10 minutes away. Okay. Do you want to just get started?

Like I can play the song? Nah, let's wait. Let's wait. Wait, okay. Yeah. Ooh. Well, so what's up? What's new?

Oh, not too much. I'm going to Germany soon. Ooh, okay. Are you from there? Are you from there? No, no, I'm from here. Your parents are there? No, it's just like a trip.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. You're from California? So you live here? You live out here? Yeah, I live, yeah. Yeah.

I live out here, just in LA. I've been here for a while. For some reason, I thought you lived in, like, Germany. I have been here for a while. For some reason, I thought you lived in, like, Germany. I mean, I record your show all the time. Well, but only every, like, third or fourth time. Yeah, that's true. So it's, like, once a month.

I mean, so I thought you were just mostly in Germany. I don't have a German accent, do I? I guess I never really listened for it. I mean, it's a little funky. Like, you talk kind of fucked up. What does that mean? Um, say, um, Wo ist Heisman? Wo ist Heisman? Wo ist Heisman?

Yeah, see, to me that sounds German. That was just totally how I talk. That sounds German to me. Okay. Yeah, not German at all. Oh, yeah. So just your parents are there. No, no, my parents are, my parents,

we just, I felt like I I just we just talked about this just a couple weeks ago so yeah how's everything with you sorry are you like is it just Brett like is your whole name Brett

no it's Brett Morris you didn't know my last name Brett? Like, is your whole name Brett? No, it's Brett Morris. You didn't know my last name? You didn't know my last name? You're Seth Morris's friend? Or are you guys... Well, I met him. Like, related to him?

No, we're actually not related. You have a last name. Yeah. You had to have known. Do the other engineers do this? Have last names? Yeah. You have to know. Do the other engineers have last names? Yeah. Yeah. We all, I think we all have last names.

Ryan, I'm not totally. Yeah, Ryan. Ryan Conner. He can't, right? Yeah. That doesn't seem. Cody, Scully, Sam, Kiefer. Yeah, we have last names.

Holy shit. It's a fucking weird place, man. You know who I am, right? Yeah, yeah. Little guy, Brett. Okay. You get your driver's license yet? You get your driver's license?

Yeah, I've had my driver's license. Be careful out there, man. Be careful. I remember when I first got mine, it was like, you got to go easy. You know? Yeah. You think I'm 16? I mean, you know, I didn't think that.

I thought you were going to say, no, I'm excited to take the test in a couple years when I asked the question. But that's fucking awesome that you did it. I mean, that's great. What do you drive, a real piece of shit? I mean, yeah, I can't afford that much, but it's just like an old thing. You know what you should do when you're at your parents' place? If you buy a car in Germany and you drive it around for a little while, you could get it flown back.

It's cheaper than getting it here. Okay, my parents don't live in Germany. German cars are nice. That's interesting, but yeah. When did they move while we were having this conversation? No, I feel like this is weird. I thought

I'm just realizing now you don't know who I am, really. For me, it's always been you, to me, you seem fine, but you're kind of Hayes' friend. You're my friend who I know through Hayes. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Because you guys are tight, right? He knows all your stuff. Yeah, I feel like Hayes would know my last name. He might, yeah. I mean, he's never used it. Yeah, no, but to me it's like you're sort of Hayes' work friend and then I wind up seeing you because of that.

But, uh, I don't know what's going on with him. Let's, you know what? He's not answering my text. You've been to my house. I, okay, so that, okay. So that was your house. Yeah. I knew the girl in that house.

Oh, you did? Yeah. Well, what's house. Oh, you did? Yeah. Well, what's her? Oh, Mindy? Yeah, Memby. That's right. Yeah. Her I knew just from like the scene.

Yeah, she's cool, Mindy. I've been to her house. Yeah. But no, it was so funny running into you there. Look, let's do the fucking song thing. Just follow my lead, you know, watch me for the changes and try to keep up. Back to the future.

Yeah, I have done this show for like years now. Yeah, because like we'll just patch that on. We'll tack it on to whatever Hayes has going on. Okay. Just put the song in later? We'll just stitch it together or whatever you guys do. But just, let's play the song just to save time.

Cause when he gets here now we're running so late, we're going to run out of studio time. Yeah. It's been hours. Play the song. Play the song. Yeah. There it is.

And just go, whatever. You're doing the Just let it play I did, no, I did the It's not my turn to do the, like, intro story Oh, I'm doing the intro story? Yeah, well, I mean, I guess not now The song's basically over

Well, let me tell you, let me start over Jesus Christ, Brett I have stories Well, I would hope That's why I said let's do the song thing Jesus Christ, Brett. I have stories. Well, I would hope. That's why I said let's do the song thing. I mean, the other day, I went to the Divans. It's not like a fucking Nazi thing, you going to Germany, right?

No. Is it to investigate the Harry's razor factory? We're on air right now. Okay. Yeah. I wanted to reveal that way later. Oh, right. That you're doing an expose like a Mike Daisy style,

like finding out what the actual working conditions are for the Harry's razor. Oh, well, that's pretty cool. So, okay. So don't tell me the story when the song's not playing. Start the fucking song again do the story i'll probably find what's actually in there okay and we'll have great content like always all right so the other day i did a uh i did the 23andMe test. Are you making this up?

No. No, you guys never make this up. We don't make stuff up on this show. That's very important that our listeners can trust us. I totally agree. I wasn't going to make anything up. Okay, good. Because you had a mischievous gleam in your eye

as if perhaps, Brett, you thought you were going to pull a fast one on the listeners of Hollywood Handbook. The smartest, coolest podcast listeners in the entire country. I got a buttload of respect for these guys. I suggest you fall in line. I would hate to have to find a new engineer

in the middle of the show especially when Hayes is already late yeah you know out of all the things I feel like you'd never listen to me about am I clear Mr. Marcus? it's Morris man it's not what you said the first time

sir yes sir okay so you did a 23andme test, and I hope that's true. It's true. Okay. You spit into the little vial. Ew. You send it in. That is absolutely vile.

That's a good one. That's a vile story. Yeah. I wish Hayes was here for it. He loves that kind of stuff. He would really, really like that. He loves my word jokes. Yeah.

He's not as hot on my political stuff. No, that gets a little... Yeah, I mean, I think it goes over his head. I think it goes over his head. No, no, I know you're picking up on it, and you're just like, uh-oh, this guy's going to bring some heat down on me. Right.

But that's what all those amendments and constitutions for. So go ahead. So you're doing 23andMe and we're going to craft this into a good story. Yeah. Okay. You'll piece it together. All right. So I get the results back.

Who are you with when you're spitting? When I was spitting? Mm-hmm. Oh, I was just like outside by the garbage bins. You weren't with like, would be good to be with. Oh, yeah. Like Sully Sullenberger? Yeah.

Yeah, so I was with. So you were with Sully. I was with Sully. No joke. Mm-hmm. So you were with Sully I was with Sully No joke And so we're like In this plane It's crazy We're flying down

Hauling ass And we hit some turbulence And all of a sudden My 23andMe results come in And so I tell him Man you wouldn't believe this. Nobody's going to know what this is, 23andMe. Oh, it's the deep.

Anne Hayes, I think, has done Sully already. But we're not making this up, though. Right, okay, good. Go ahead. Okay, so maybe Sully Erna from Godsmack. Okay. That's good. And then so you get the results.

Yeah, well, I mean, I love the concept of smacking God, who really is just who is God really? Just our fathers fathers i always want to hear this stuff and it hazes in around so i can get to you well because really look at it who is god you know if you watch sausage party which i did see and which had a pretty strong religious message in it which is that you should be fucking all the time with everyone because you're going to get eaten. God is real. He exists. He's coming for you. He's going to devour you. There is no such thing as heaven, but hell does exist. And God is a demon who's going to eat you.

So you should have sex before you get married. And being married, of course, is being taken out of the store. This is the message. It's rock solid. Yeah, that's the message. You ever think about that shit, man? You ever trip out on that, that really we're all just food on grocery store shelves in a lot of ways?

Oh, shit. And you've been waiting to get inside a hot dog bun your whole life, and even though the hot dog bun is a vagina, it also has breasts. And even though the hot dog is a dick, there's sort of, it's implied that it has dick. Like, do you ever think about that, man? Like, that's you. And so, if you get freaking taken out of the store, i.e. married, then you just assume what's going to happen. Like get fucked.

Yeah, you get, well, you'd think that you're going to get fucked and then be happy. But what's the truth is that that's God taking you out and he's going to freaking chop you up and boil you in a pot. Oh, boiled hot dogs dogs he likes the boiled kind yes everyone in the movie only did them boiled okay I never trust that water you wouldn't want it that way yeah

so anyway yeah that's like probably the most movie that lines up with my religious views the most out of anyone. Okay, so we found something pretty good in the 23andMe story. That feels good. Yeah, that went well. Where is the Haze man?

Should I call him up? No. He doesn't want to get a call from you. He's kind of a don't call me I'll call you Is he calling you? He's calling me right now As you're saying that to me Oh wow

Hey is he there? Hayes? Hello? Hi Hayes Hello? Hayes? Sean? Hayes are you okay? Hayes I passed? Hayes, are you okay?

Hayes, I passed you in to Sean. I'm nervous. Oh, man. What's wrong, man? I'm coming. I am coming. I'm on my way. I messed up.

You messed up? What do you mean? Hayes, whatever it is, I'll help you clean it up it's actually i didn't actually mess up i did it's not even my fault and i was just kind of saying i messed up but it's really so like all this shit has happened to me uh and i'm just really a victim of it that's not fair i am coming i coming. I am going to the studio. Well, what happened? You texted me four or five hours ago and said that

you were on your way here and you live so close. So, did you leave? I mean... That was five hours ago? Just about, yeah. Oh, my God. Um, okay.

Alright. Alright. All right. All right. You know how I was going to ride the horses today? Yeah, of course. You were going to ride the horses today. Me and Carrie Ann got these horses. This is for Brad and the guests. Me and Carrie Ann got these big horses. This is for Brad and the guests. Me and Carrie Ann got these big horses.

Sure, yeah, you wanted the huge ones. And we were going to take them out on the trail today to test them to see if we even fit on them there so big. Yeah, no, I know that was a concern. But we're getting on, and she's like, I'll ride him back so I can keep an eye on you. Mm-hmm, that's safe.

Well, I'm like, why am I the one that has to be supervised? Like, wow, I'll watch you. Oh, yeah, she was out was always like whenever we go anywhere she's right behind me she's like just to make sure i don't trip or like we're gonna walk into something weird or like whatever she like you know is gonna watch out for me and then when if i do walk into something it's like it makes it seem like she was right. Right, I see.

And how does that make you feel? Well, it just builds up to this thing where I'm like, it makes me feel like... She's kind of stifling you, isn't she, sweetie? Yes, and so this time I say, I'm going to watch you. I'll watch you this time. Well, that's pretty brave. But she's riding it back. So I say, fine, we'll watch each other.

We'll keep an eye on each other. So you're riding backwards in front of her? I ride backwards in front of her. And so we're doing the horses. Going. You fit on the horse? right down the path oh yeah did you manage to fit on the horse? yes

we did fit nice catch Brett not sitting like sideways you're kind of doing the split on top are you picturing that? yeah okay I've got it now or you can put your head You're kind of doing the splits on top. Are you picturing that? Yeah, okay. I've got it now.

Or you can sit with your legs straight out front, but they don't bend over the side. Is that a clear image? Yeah, no. Okay, so you're doing the splits on top, or you can put your legs straight out in the front. Yes, or you can lie down. Sure.

In this case, at this moment, the important part, I was sitting with my leg straight out in front like an L. Yeah, I see. So you guys are touching feet then because you're pointing towards each other. Oh, sorry. That's Brett. Oh. No, Hayes said that's one of the ways you could sit.

That's not how he was sitting. And I believe Carrie Ann Moss, when she goes horse riding, puts an Eames chair on top. My apologies. Yeah, and an auto man. Yeah, she's got an auto man and an Eames chair that she brings. Auto man. Okay.

Who's that? It's auto man. Sorry. Auto man is here.tt brought him with him oh no he was showing us he's a true grease monkey and he was showing us some of the ways that you could trick out brett's piece of shit car earlier who is it is this like is this... Is this... Brett's doing it. He must be one of the Beatles or something. Yes, Auto Man, I guess, is one of the Beatles. I think he's like George Ringo or something.

Peace and love, dude. Yeah, okay. And he's taking it too far now. So, we're riding the horse. Uh-huh. And we're, you know, just kind of staring each other down. We weren't talking on the ride, but we're just kind of, I'm looking at her like, see? And she's looking at me like, see what?

You know, I don't see nothing. I don't see shit. That's what she was looking like. That she's like, yeah. Mm-hmm. That she's like... And then... Yeah. Suddenly, just as we're about to get to sunset peach,

I feel a major bonk on the back of my head. Oh, no. You got kabonked on your nagin? Oh, Hayes. There's that big, that huge branch right before Sunset Peak. Near Sunset Peak? At the Sunset Peak, okay, coming from, you're approaching from the, if you're seeing that big branch and you're going to Sunset Peak,

you're in a horse, so you're not coming from the water side. Coming from my house. Yes, from your house, so that means you're approaching from the the water side. Coming from my house. Yes, from your house. So that means you're approaching from the east to Sunset Peak. Yes, the branch. Ooh, that branch is big. Yes, imagine how big. Mm-hmm.

Your whole head. And so that is what happens. I'm drawing it now and I don't even have room. Both my contacts pop out. They fly in at Carrie Ann's mouth. Uh-oh. She pretends like she is enjoying them. She almost enjoys them so much.

She chews them so, like, luxuriously that I almost feel like she did do it on purpose because she didn't warn me about the branch. She did not do a good job of watching out for me, which I told her. And sweetie, that kind of must have made you feel like you were a little bit stifled, huh? huh well what that made me do

cause now I'm very embarrassed and there's a big uh big lump coming out of the back of my head making me look like

Zippy the Pinhead oh Hayes from the from the Gabrus podcast where you talk about comics

yes okay please listen to that by the way. It's getting big response. Yes. When I have time, yeah. So, I've got

this big lump on my bean and at this point, the horse is over. I say to the horse, let's go home. I don't even want to see something peak. It's daytime anyway. I don't give a shit. The horse knows all that? We go all the way back down. I'm't even want to see something peak. It's daytime anyway. I don't give a shit. The horse knows all that? We go all the way back down. I'm getting

in my car to come to the studio. Yes, well, and that's when you texted me, I assume. Yes, and I figure I'll just get there four and a half hours early and chill with Brett or something. I actually have a good meaning to catch up with Brett a little bit.

Yeah, yeah. Do you know Brett pretty well? Brett or something. I actually have a good meaning to catch up with Brett a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know Brett pretty well? Well, that's the thing. There's a lot of stuff. I was thinking there's a lot of stuff about him. I don't really, I don't know where he's like, where he's from. Like from, from.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where is he like, where is he like coming in from? You know what i mean yeah this is what sean said i know he doesn't have his license and so how is he getting there without a driver's license from like somewhere really far away i want to say i feel like he was from don't say it don't say it. Don't say it.

I mean, you're closer than I was. He's, so he's apparently, yeah, he's apparently from some littler place, like in the Netherlands or something. I mean, from what I'm hearing. How did you pronounce it? The way he talked. I said I'm from here.

I'm local. I mean, I'm from California, but I've lived in L.A. for years. I never said anything about the Netherlands or Germany or anything like that. Say Dubis to an accordion. How did you get to LA from the Netherlands

without a driver's license? Why do you guys think I don't have a driver's license? Hayes, I thought you at least knew something about me Sean I do I know yeah you're Brett

yeah he's Brett what's my last name Hayes that's a trick question Brett you don't have a last name okay yeah and he tried to get me with this as well it's Morris Morris yes as well. It's Morris. Morris? Yes.

Not Seth Morris. I'm not related to Seth Morris. Why would you just say that? Why would you think that I would think you were related to Seth Morris just because your last name is Morris? Are you pissed at Seth Morris, Brett? No, I love the guy. I just, you asked

those, everything about this conversation is going the exact same way. Brett, if your last name's Morris, then say something to me in Morris code. No, that's a good one. I've never heard that. Okay. Dink, dink, dink. Slash, slash, slash.

Dink, dink, dink. Oh, slash, slash, dink, dink, dink. Oh, the way you say it, it's so ugly. Yeah, it doesn't sound good at all. It's such a beautiful language. I hate to hear it butchered like that. He's definitely spelling a racial slur, but the big thing that's sad to me is it's just such a beautiful language, and to hear one of the romance languages butchered that way.

Validating a racial slur using racial slurs as the... I mean, people say dot. Oh, no, yeah. No, they say dot and dash, but with Brett it's all dinks and slashes. And I think we know what he's talking about when he says that, don't we, Brett? No wonder he spends so much time in Germany. He wants to wipe out all the dinks and slashes. And please don't do that.

Can I get back to my story, Brett, please? Do you mind? Yeah, can you get here? Is it okay if Hayes tells his story now? Yeah, are you driving, though, right now? Please have your permission. I'm on my knees here, Brett. Can I please finish my story? Don't make him be on his

knees in the car. Yeah, I would love for you to finish your story and get here. I've been here for hours, but go ahead. So I get in my car and Carrie Ann's like, how are you going to get in the car? You can't see.

I'll drive. She was like, I'll drive you. I'll walk her. I'll watch you drive. Oh, no. Here she goes again. Date them. And I say, that's it.

I'm done with you watching me everywhere I go. I'm going to go somewhere by myself. I can't believe she said that, Hayes. She really devalued you in that moment. How stifling. She diminished my lived experience. That's absolutely right, Hayes. That's big for you.

My lived experience is so important to me. Yeah. I love how you are a witness to your own life and that you're so present and that you're so honest with me about it and present such an authentic version of yourself. Is that not like my biggest thing? And if Carrie Ann can't see that and if your lived experience to her is just something that you can diminish offhand then i'm sorry sweetie she does not deserve you and you can do better than that i know she's beautiful i tried to kick her not like really not kick her hard no not an angry kick just a sort of lesson basically yes like kind of a shove but with my foot foot. Yeah, sort of a mush.

You know how on some of the reality shows, they are not allowed to punch each other, but they can mush each other's faces? Yeah, they place their hand on their face, and then they push. So you were just doing a foot mush a little bit, which is totally okay. But I missed by, I think, a lot.

Mm-hmm. Because I couldn't really see. And I sort of fell. Yes, and that is a vine that Carrie Ann put up. Okay. That makes sense. Yes. You do go to do a big foot mush.

Your foot goes through a tree, comes back out, lands on the back of a painted turtle. When I said I think I missed by a lot, I was kind of setting up an alibi because I thought my foot might have gone through her stomach. No, no. You do look shocked when it happens. You pull it back out and your foot lands on kind of a painted turtle and you go sliding, slipping, and flipping every which way through a boggy marsh. Okay.

This is all really coming together. I thought it was like her gut or something. Yeah, no, you seem pretty concerned. Not concerned like you want to help her, but you get in the car and drive away very quickly as if you're fleeing the scene of some kind of crime you think you committed. Okay, so this is great that you saw me drive away because this is huge for me. I'm so glad to hear that because I'm in the car now and I'm still going and I think I'm going the same direction that I went when I left the horse house. You know that

horse house? Yes, yes, yes. The horse mansion. Yes. For us it wouldn't be a mansion but for a horse it is. I have not been using the steering wheel a ton. A little bit I have. Here using the steering wheel a ton a little bit I have

here and there yeah but not but not that much and so if we can figure out because I thought I was kind of pointed at the studio and I cannot really so this is like I'm driving I'm not going that

fast but I am definitely you know I don't want to go too slow either. I don't want to be mad. Please don't go too slow. I get so mad when I'm behind a driver who's going slow. Yes, and there was that Vox thing that everyone was so fired up about recently. Don't use the left lane. Did you guys see this?

I didn't watch it, but man. It's more dangerous to drive in the left lane slow than it is to drive in the left lane slow than it is to drive really fast everywhere yeah that's actually causes it causes more accidents and kills more people and is more irresponsible to drive in the left lane at the speed limit or slightly below than it is to drive as fast as you can in every lane everywhere. And that's the numbers. That's science. Because I saw the thing and because I was driving and I was remembering that people were so excited about that. And I thought I better not go too slow.

Because that's going to be me in that video. Oh, yeah. No, it's much safer that you've been going fast. Can you see any shapes around that you can make out that maybe Brett and I might have seen before and we could sort of because what I'll do is I will in solidarity punch myself in the back of the head as hard as I can, knock out my contact lenses

into Brett's mouth and then he's going to show me don't be gross Brett he's going to show me images of landmarks around the state brett you're disgusting i thought that was part of you are being disgusting brett and i'm gonna absolutely be sick if you don't stop it i'm gonna chew them very luxuriously brett what's the end game for you just doing like gross out stuff he's doing sicko stuff it's the end game for you now he's like just doing like gross out stuff he's doing sicko stuff

it's the freaking Farrelly brothers on steroids over here yeah it's Peter and Bobby Farrelly on steroids in the studio Hayes and this is what happens

when you're gone Peter is my middle name yeah the steroidly brothers he just tried to pretend he has a third name by the way that name is German. Peter and the Wolf.

Now, everybody shut up for a second. I just got a text message. Oh, great, Hayes. Alyssa's almost here. Are you close? I thought Alyssa was there. Why is she not there now? Well, because I had told her that you were running a little bit behind

and that you and I would maybe be recording one of our classic intro pieces before the guest arrived. You know, some of the stuff where we just say what's so crazy. But they like to watch that. No, most guests do want to sit through that, but I think that what happened for her was she was afraid she'd be all laughed out and have nothing left for the show she'd pass out not be able to breathe because our stuff's so funny

okay well I have the cookies okay so Brett I guess I don't know if I told you this but Alyssa Milano was supposed to come here and we have this great hook where we're going to eat 50 bags of Milano cookies 50 bags of Milano's with Alyssa Milano.

And there's going to be, you know, a welcome to our Pepperidge farm. Uh, we were going to sing to the tune of that. Welcome to my house, you know, uh,

and, the flow rider stuff. That's not, I, sorry. We spent so much time on the tune and it's not welcome to my house. It's not like that huh no it is the way you just did it is what i tried to coach out that's the second part of it the first part

is welcome to my pepperidge farm but um so it's that so that would have been really very funny and cool and we were gonna do it with milana beintra but we emailed her and she didn't respond she yes she was not uh interested in even having a polite email exchange. And I think this is better because her name is really Milano and we didn't have to pretend that Milano's Vintrope's name was Milano. Yes, that's right.

And we were going to do something. We didn't have the second half but we were going to try to become Vine Stars with Milano Vintrope while we ate Milano cookies. And I think it was going to get too complex. But this is pretty clean. We had to do something with these cookies.

Do you have the mint ones? Have you ever had the mint ones? Those are good. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? There's no mint ones. It's cookies. Is this like a Europe thing?

Mint's a leaf. Mint's a frigging plant. It's not a tree. It's a cookie. Cookies are bread. Mint's a plant. Cookies are bread. I don't want to get

in Doughboy's territory. But cookies are bread. Mint's a plant. Pie's a cake. Chocolate's a bean. Here's one thing I would like to do. Wait, cookies of bread mints of plant pies of cake chocolate of bean wait do you have any more of these do I personally oh just about a billion

did you have what I didn't know if you had any more food chocolate of bean water's a juice stop it Brett meat's a juice. Stop it, Brett. Meat's a vegetable. And, you know, anything else is a hat on a hat. Go ahead, Hayes. What were you going to say?

I would like to establish whether I am facing the right way in my seat. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Press on the horn. Okay. Well, this is going to be the problem because I don't, like, I can't really see it from where I am right now.

Okay. Can I just do a push? Yeah. What you're going to want to do is do a quick punch and then two long pushes. Okay. I don't want to accidentally open the door. No, no. No, I don't think that's going to happen to you if you do all...

I should tell you this. The door is not secure. Right. It's slightly open? It is a little bit open And I was beeping a lot The car was doing so many beeps At the beginning of my drive

But then it did finally stop Now I know you were going up to the horse house Did you drive OJ's Bronco up there? Yeah I did yes Because I figured that's like The most horse Of any car I know well I know Because I figured that's like the most horse of any car. Yeah, I know.

Well, I know you like to take that to the horses and do a series of jokes. So that makes sense. You take Main Street, like the horse is Main. Long jokes, yeah. Wait, wait, wait, what did Brett say? I said, do you take wait wait wait I said do you take Main Street

like a horse's mane Brett as far as you as you're concerned you never said that okay I love that you said it in

the studio doing our podcast you said it on our podcast Cuzza Hayes and we're gonna sell it to Kenny Mayne. There's going to be a new season of Main Street. Kenny Mayne Shepard?

We're bringing BB-8 back. We're bringing the whole frigging crew back. We're going to get everybody from Main Street web series, and we're doing a new one where he's friends with a horse. Was there a girl? Who was the girl in that? I believe it was Alison Becker. Gotta be I believe it was Alison Becker

and I believe there was probably a guest spot by one Jamby Giggles I did not realize you guys had a whole plan around that joke I just thought of it You'd still be in Germany if not for us Yeah You're on a work visa here for our show,

so please don't mess around. That no longer belongs to you. All right, you can have it. We do have it. We do have it, Brett. That's what I'm telling you, Brett! We do have it. You can't tell me that I can have it.

You can't tell me that in my head I don't have it. Hey, quick word association. First thing that pops in your head, 23andMe. 23 Jump Street? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said too. Brett thinks it's a test. Oh, no, Brett, no.

23 Jump Street No No Brett It's not a test It is related to school It is related to school What you're thinking of Is cause they go to school That it's a test

No no no Only they have to go to school Only they have to go to school You get to just sit in a theater and laugh And even then they're just pretending Are you just cruising the whole time you're talking right now?

I'm worried about you. Yeah, well, my hairbrush is on the gas. My feet are all over the place. Just to explain. Because I wanted to, you know,

I had to kind of get ready to be at the studio. And so I'm trying to brush my hair. And at some point, it did fall down and it did get wet and to be at the studio. I'm trying to brush my hair, and at some point it did fall down, and it did get wet into the gap. Just to explain, Hayes had to get a very heavy hairbrush. His hair was too strong and was actually taking control of his head following some of the surgeries that he's had

and was trying to pull the skin off uh it was behaving on his head as an octopus might and was uh slapping on his ears pulling on his ears sticking up his nose and trying to get at his brain and completely take over and so he got a medical hairbrush that's incredibly heavy, and he can weigh his hair down with it and sort of bludgeon it so that it does not behave so unruly. Okay. That's really helpful to know. It's like a mace.

I feel like you could use your hair to solve this driving maybe. Maybe you could cooperate. My hair is against me. My hair has no interest in helping me. No, if he ever... I always feel like you're on the side of my hair. You do not... He would not want to work with his enemy in that way.

You don't think you could trick your hair into maybe shifting the... If they had a... If Hayes and his hair had a mutual enemy, they could perhaps form an uneasy alliance for a time. Hayes could draw his face on the stick shift, and the hair thinks the stick shift... You know what we could do?

You know what we could do? Oh, this is going to be good. Hang on, let me put a big woolly hat on for a second. Oh, Alyssa is here, by the way. Hi, Alyssa. Hi, sweetie. And her mic's not live. Okay, can you talk to her for me?

Yeah, hey, so we were going to eat these Milano cookies, and we had all the 50 bags, but Hayes did the bad track. Tell her I have a sweet surprise. He's got a sweet surprise for you, sweetie, and it's even sweeter than your sugar cup. And so he is on his way here. Please, when he gets here, his hair is probably going to be a mess just because he hasn't had his brush on it for a while,

so be nice about it. I don't want him to mush you with his foot. And just have fun. Relax. Be yourself. You know the show. You're a big fan. It's fun.

It's funny. It's great for the guests. They always get a chance to shine. It's a really comfortable environment to just drop into and do for a little while. So that's it. And tell her that we didn't email Milana first. And you were the first person we emailed. We didn't email Milana.

Probably would have been better just to not mention that at all. And if we had emailed her, she would have just written back, even if she couldn't do it, just to be like, hey, guys, it's not for me. That's good. And you can look at me like anytime you want I'll be here and it's totally fine if you want to

make eye contact with me so she's leaving now Hayes Brett started talking to her and she looks like she saw a ghost he just told her it was okay to look at him and she was very upset by this it seems as if she recognizes him

from something else. Oh my god, Brett. She was my childhood crush. We didn't have a guest last week, Brett. We can't do two shows without a guest. It's not my fault you didn't have a guest last week.

Is this anything, Hayes? The Brett Pack. I like that. Well, okay, then it's not. Like the Brat Pack? Yeah, the Brett Pack. Oh, Brett. So Brett starts an Instagram account.

It's just a photo of one of his packs, and it's called the Brett Pack. I tell you what I'd like to see right now, and I'm not really sure exactly how I'm going to pronounce this, but I'd like to see Brett, Brett sit. Oh, right. Yes. Yes. Brett sit.

Brett, get out of here. Like Brexit. But how would you say that? Because I ran into trouble trying to pronounce it. Brett. Oh, yeah. In Morse code? Brexit through the guest shop.

Through the guest shop. Brett Skitt. Did anybody do anything like that on Twitter? God. We just hit spawn. We're just coming off spawn. Oh, my God. We just said Spawn. We're just coming off Spawn. Oh, my God. All the Spawn.

I did that high and mighty. That was so well received. Oh, no. All the comics. You guys are in the wake of a Spawn? Yeah. And you probably, Sean, you are probably doing Doughboy's. Did you do Doughboy's this week?

Because they said like five weeks ago that they were going to have you on. Yeah, so I think what's going on with that is that those guys have been kidnapped or maybe they're just not making any new episodes. I think that no new episodes have come out since they said that or something. Okay. Or they're in trouble or they said that or something. Okay. Or they're in trouble. Or they might be in trouble. Maybe they're in a similar situation to you.

They're driving the wrong way in a car because they haven't contacted me. And so there has to be an explanation. It was in public that they said that. They did do that. So you would think that would have sort of been gasoline on the fire. They said you could do BJ's brew house. You know, I guess they did. BJ's.

Brett. Brett. This is not, I will say, if they are still doing new episodes, this is not going to help with that. Two guest-less episodes in a row. I mean, we have never done anything like this before. No, our value is at an all-time low.

And people are, I see people talking all the time, they think the show is going to end. And this is really going to take that to another level. I recently thought that I hit an all-time low in my life. As you know, Steffi embarrassed me in front of Richard Gind. She stifled you. She stifled me. She devalued my life experience.

Your lived experience. My lived experience. And that was really big for me. And I thought, it can't get any worse for me. That's the good news. It's all up from here. I'm going to... Do you want to say, would it help you to say what happened?

So, there was a Russell Stover sampler on the table at Richard Kydes' house. Table at Richard Kine's house. This was, he has kind of an early Easter every year where he gets a lot of candies together. And I said that I would be able to tell what flavor every one was on the inside just by looking at one of those assorted chocolate samplers. I said, I can tell without taking a bite. So, you know, everyone was intrigued, of course.

Can I just say, you do not have to finish this. I am sorry that I pushed you to do it in the first place. Would you like to stop telling this story now? I mean, I'd like to leave it up to Brett. You can take a moment. I don't want it to be because of me. You can take a mulligan on this one.

What do you mean? Like, what do you think a mulligan is? I think he means you can do it again. I wouldn't want to tell the beginning again. I think taking a mulligan means that you can start over from the beginning. With a new story?

I guess. Because it doesn't mean that you just like quit the game no no that's not what a mulligan is does he think wait is this because his last name

is mulligan can I take a mulligan on that word anyway I do it by putting the chocolates in my butt, and that's how I'm able to tell, which technically I'm not putting it in my mouth. I'm not taking a bite of it. So it's kind of a cool, fun trick that a lot of people usually enjoy, and that's sort of the end of the story in the middle there's a bunch of kind of antics but um

uh steffy um so you still have a mulligan then oh you can save it okay so wait what do you mean you still have a mulligan? What am I doing with the mulligan? I don't want to get into defining that word. What am I doing with the mulligan in your eyes? Like, what does it mean? How am I using the mulligan? I don't feel like this needs to be defined.

I can't define it for you. It's just, come on. You get a mulligan. Brett, please stop stifling me. You're devaluing my lived experience right now. It means you get to stop whatever you're doing. Brett, you're robbing Sean of his agency. I can't apologize to you because I haven't lived it.

So I don't even know what it feels like to receive my My ego is not my ego. You're being an extremely bad ally to Sean right now. I need you to be an ally and something that would be great for me

is if you could in a kind way just listen. I know I'm not the easiest person to be around. Okay? I'm owning that. Okay? I'm not without flaw, Brett. I'm owning that.

I'm not the easiest guy to spend time with. All right? Okay. My ego is not my amigo, Brett. How many times do you want me to say it? And it's not your job to explain this to me. I've heard you say that a lot. Did you say

your ego is not your amiibo? No, no. Do you want me to say that? No, do you want me to say that? You can take a mulligan on that. You can take a mulligan on that. You can take a mulligan on that. Yeah, sure. My ebo's not my amiibo.

So, Brett, I've taken ownership of some of my flaws. Now, I don't want this to feel like an attack, but what I would say to you about some of your behaviors is that they're unconscionable, they're despicable, they're disgusting, they're insulting, they're sickening.

They're dastardly. They're dastardly. They're dastardly. They're dastardly. They're dastardly. They're nefarious. And more than that, Brett, I think you do it on purpose. I really do. I think I'm in some kind of race.

Oh, Hayes. Do you see a lot of cars whizzing past you? So many cars. Yeah, I think I'm in a NASCAR. Okay, that would make sense. That would make sense. You're really far away then. I'm tracing the route.

I took the direction you were pointing, and I just sort of drew a line, and it leads right into a NASCAR race. But then that means he's turning exactly with the circle of the racetrack. That's Hayes. Yeah, I bet he is. Hayes and his hairbrush are in first place in the race. I just looked at the news.

Oh my gosh. Are you kidding me? He won and he's drinking champagne. Hayes, can you feel the champagne? Can you taste it? Yes, I can feel it. There's some very hurting water on me. Yeah.

Yeah. That's trouble because now he's going to be driving away even faster. some very like hurting water on me. Yeah. Oh, that's trouble because now he's going to be driving away even faster. Drunk. Yeah. With all the champagne in his system. Can you somehow turn out of the racetrack and back towards Earwolf, please?

Hayes, I'm going to do a cool thing that I've seen people do a lot, which is I'm going to do a cool thing that I've seen people do a lot, which is I'm going to post, start posting on Facebook for you to see whenever there's like a DUI checkpoint. Oh,

that would be so helpful to me. Isn't that fucking badass? I really appreciate when people do that because then I can drive drunk and I won't get in trouble. Heads up,

everybody. Yeah. DUI checkpoint between here. If there's any between here and the NASCAR race, I'll go drunk and I won't get in trouble. Heads up, everybody. Yeah, DUI checkpoint between here. If there's any between here and the NASCAR race, I'll go ahead and do it. Yeah, I think it's really good that it really is helpful for me because I know I want to drive drunk, and the thing that stops me a lot of the time is no one's sharing where the DUI checkpoints are, and it's just unfair.

I love that. I love when Waze tells me that there's a red light camera ahead because then i'm not gonna run the red light there's no camera there's no camera i'm going straight through that light yeah that's a nice thing that ways does would ways help you right now is there anything can you download that ways Waze Davenport. Is this something? Oh, wow. Whoa. Who is that, Brett? Yes.

Brett? You know the deal. How does that relate to horses? What? Is this a separate pitch of yours? You don't think that BB-8 is going to be the voice of Kenny Mayne's Waze device that's plugged into his horse on frigging horse Main Street? Think about it for one second.

Now... I got to go. I got to download this thing. I got to go. It's not going to let me download while I'm on the phone. Okay. Well, you should be here soon. Surely we'll have a good episode with a good guest.

I mean, if we don't... If something happens where we can't recover Alyssa, you never find the studio, we don't get a good guest, and the show gets canceled. We'll just release this episode, I guess. And it'll be the last one. In the meantime... Like, the call could be an episode because we're recording it. Yes. If you're listening to this, the show's over. Um, so, so, but that probably won't happen. I mean, this is just a stupid phone call between

friends and Brett actually interrupted with some pretty bad stuff and some stuff that was really our idea. So, you know, like us on Facebook, go to any, if there's a charity car wash, alter all their signs to be about Hollywood Handbook. What are some other badass guerrilla marketing techniques? Write it on the dollar bill. Okay, yeah. Write Hollywood handbook on the dollar bill.

Yes, yes. And do coke through it. Write it on the dollar bill and do a design. And do a fucking cool design. Where the eye is like all bloodshot

from smoking weed. From smoking weed. You know that big eye? Dope. Yeah, the Illuminati eye. The Illuminati eye. Oh, my God. Okay, I'm going to go.

We'd be so funny. I don't want to listen to this Brett thing. I'm going to go. Okay, go ahead, Hayes. Hopefully, I'll see you soon or the show's over. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.