Hollywood Handbook - Brian Huskey, Our Live Friend

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

Hayes and Sean are back for another live episode where they kick off the show with "The Brand That Rocks the Cable", a segment where they help out audience members with their brand. Then, fan favorite Brian Huskey teams back up with the boys for "Teen Pope 2", a sequel to the biggest movie of all time. Finally, a live popcorn gallery asks questions from die-hard fans.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Do you guys know the theme song? I need the drum beat. That's it. I need a drum beat. Small, small, small Come on Small, small, small So this is every Friday night With Socks The cat Dude

I say, Socks, you want Italian You want Chinese What are you in the mood for And he's like, whatever you want to eat So helpful Yeah, exactly So then I choose something And he's like whatever whatever you want to eat yeah exactly and so then I choose something and he's like oh like I don't know I'm not really in the mood

for that whatever except for what you want yes and then by the time we're like ready to go he's eaten a huge bird it's all a control thing with socks yes and so I said Bill you know, this seems like the kind of thing Bill

would actually enjoy. He likes that sort of, like, it's all games. The weird, yes, mental push-pull. Mind stuff. Manipulation. Yeah. You murdered someone.

Hey, welcome to Hollywood and Handbook, and it's our new kick-and-button drop-in agency right now, but live at Cowboys in this industry we call Showbiz. What up, what up? Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. And it's our new kick-and-button drop-in agency. We're a couple of live-out colleagues in this industry we call Showbiz. What up, what up? You listen to podcasts. Yes. This is... No, not that.

No, not podcasts. You can see. You are in a real place. Not a house. Not a house. Not in your car. Unless you're listening to this later, keep driving your car. Oh, yes. We should say that we were

talking to the people here, and not to the people who will listen to podcasts. Yes, people listening to podcasts... I don't know. Can we plug this in before that? Yes. There should be some kind of

extraversion in the podcast where this is cut out because too dangerous for car. For car. Because of wheels. Now... A word with Brett. because of wheels now a word with Brett ah yes

what you were speaking before the song what did you say I forgot how it went I needed help you only asked me to do this like an hour ago you asked me to do this like an hour ago.

You asked them to do it for you? Is that what I heard? I thought it would be fun. And it seemed like you were doing it in a way like you were like fake trying to engage them, but really you just didn't know what you were supposed to do, so you wanted help. You needed emergency help.

I thought this was going to be, like, my performance, like, the full theme song. The song is 15 words. Right. Brett, remove the idea of the song. Just think about it like this. We ask you, a professional sound engineer, under the employ of Earwolf to help us out with a podcast task. You then contracted it

to a bunch of strangers, many of whom are suspicious. What do you make in a day? Yeah, how much money? Earwolf pays handsomely. day. Yeah, how much money? The earwolf pays handsomely.

I doubt that very much. I think whatever it is should be divided equally among the audience of the show. Isn't that right, audience? Yeah. That's how you engage people. That was the same thing. That's real clapping. Not what you got. That wasn't real. I That was the same thing That's real clapping

Not what you got That wasn't real I just asked the clapping to come before the song That's like What the clap you got is like What the kids do to bring Tinkerbell back to life It's forced They know they can't hear the next part

Until they do the clap Yeah Right Big sports game tonight And we're huge sports heads Until they do the clap. Yeah. Right. Oh. There's a big sports game tonight, and we're huge sports heads. Oh, yes. And I love round balls. And so we've got to know what happened in sports. Yes, you were very kind to sacrifice doing sports to come here and hear this.

And so we want to keep you updated. I'll check on my phone. And so Hayes is going to get all the information through the show. And tell me if there was a dunk or anything. And don't spare me a single detail. Did you get a text? It's stuck

in text mode. Oh, no. Maybe I have to text someone to see if they know the score. I'll text Adrian Palicki. That would be great. I mean, I usually, just for sports, I go to Calista.

Calista? That's me. Okay. For me, that might be weird. I'll do it. Right, because of me. Calista, sorry, I'm not engaged to you. No more.

Folksy. X-Clan. What is the basketball score? Bubbles. Good sign. Yeah, from saying something. She says, what is biscuitball? I wrote biscuitball by accident.

I accidentally wrote. Well, even so, she doesn't know what biscuitball is? Biscuit. I write it so much it's an autocorrect for me in my phone when I hit the letter B. And she doesn't even know what it is. She played biscuit ball at my house Fourth of July last year. I think she won. I wonder if that game isn't

taking off like you thought it would we don't even want to think about that that would take the show in a very sad direction this would be a dark episode if all of the time and money I sunk into biscuitball had not resulted in

its popularity I mean it's a household everyone in the audience knows what biscuitball is right had not resulted in its popularity. I mean, it's a household. Everyone in the audience knows what Biscuit Ball is, right? Few. Let's go into the audience. We love having audience. We love being able to see you guys.

Because podcast is just a magazine of noise, basically. Yes. Made of noise. And it's so nice when we do the live, because it is so much that we are just imagining who listens, and it's easy to get scared that way.

And here I get to see, oh, it's this guy. That's less scary than what I pictured. But still not comforting for me. So let's help get it to a place that's more comforting. We want to help you guys with your brands. Brands are like Kix the cereal or

like a special hat that you wear. Or a crackling oat brand, the cereal. Everyone has one. And we want to help you with yours. So we want to play a game segment called The Brand That Rocks The Cable,

as in cable television. Yes, cable networks. Yes, and of course you go, well, that's Russell Brand. But no, other than that. It's a different one. This is a different brand. Now,

what we need is someone to volunteer, anyone. All we just need is your full name. And this will be a great way to get your brand out there initially so people will say, who's that name-having guy? Yes, what's your full

name? Jonathan Earl Thor? Jonathan Earl Thor Jonathan Earl Thor? Well, one of those is actually a number Yes And so that's where I'd start first We all have a number Numbers aren't guys

Numbers aren't names I, of course, have a number. Numbers aren't guys. Numbers aren't names. I, of course, have a number. Social Security number. But mine's not four. I mean, that makes you very old. Yeah. Yours is 049656328.

If that's your social security number, you must be the oldest guy in the world. Mm-hmm. So one of the things, your middle name is Earl, but my name is Earl got cancelled. So? So you don't want to go with that, because we've already said no, thank you.

Mm-hmm. And you're not really giving off the middle name Earl. James Earl Jones was just James Jones, but he then was a basketball player for the Cavaliers, and he got, he had to put the Earl in his name, which connotes wise blackness. And you're not... You're not bringing that to the table, friend.

So what am I thinking your name is, actually? He's wearing glasses and a shirt. Mr. Shirt. Shirt glass. I mean, is that good? Shirt glass. Is that a good

last name? Kurt. Oh. Kurt shirt glass? Kurt, oh. Kurt Shirt Glass? Kurt Shirt Glass. Kurt Shirt Glass. Now we've gotten so that's a brand. That's now somebody passed me the crackling

oat brand, the cereal. I could see Kurt Shirt Glass surfing on television. Does anyone else have a name? Yes. Megan Adams. Megan Adams.

Megan Adams. Now, that's about the scariest name I've ever heard. If you... Trigger warning. If you are part of one of the spookiest families of all time, I command you to get out of this theater before somebody is

scared, hair-whited. If it's Wednesday, Adams, I know what I'm dealing with, okay? But if you're Megan Adams, I go, this is the one I haven't met yet, so even they're afraid of her. Unless it's like, isn't there always,

there is one who's the cousin who is normal? Well, no. It's a little better than normal. Oh, yes. Oh, I see. Type of girl you play biscuit ball with. So, yes,

that makes sense to me. So if you're going to be in the Addams family, you want to make it clear that you are normal, and so your name should be Norm Addams. I have a pitch. If you're going to be in a scary family like the Addams family, shouldn't you be one of the Munsters? be in a scary family like the Adams family?

Shouldn't you be one of the Munsters? The Munsters were like a parody version of the Adams family, I guess? Oh, I don't see it that way at all. I think they were an original idea. Lots of fun. And the dad said,

I'm Frankenstein! And now you say, Sean, you're scared of Frankenstein. Not this time. So, I guess your brand would be Nice Frankenstein? And that's also your name. Good job.

So maybe one more before we bring our guest out? Yeah, let's do one more name. Front. Arthur Hickman. That seems right. I don't like it, but it looks right to me makes me think

that you're something of a hickey man and it looks like you have long hair which maybe you grew quickly or just because you knew that you were going to have to conceal a lot of very salacious hickeys. And you have glasses like the artwork Arthur.

That's good. I actually want that one. Okay, I'm Arthur Hickman now. You've got to find your own brand. We have something famous to talk about We made a movie on our show called Teen Pope Nice clappies We just read the script

written by Sir Brian Husky since Knighted it exploded in ways that we could never have anticipated you see it just about all over town well the movie

first of all came out and beat Jurassic World. It was the second most popular movie, and then Jurassic World became most popular, then people said, nah, uh-uh. And then they doubled back for more Teen Pope and saw it even

more. So it's the first one to be biggest movie twice. Yes, double biggest and the best. And they say if you want to make God laugh, try to guess how much money Teen Pope's going to make. Because, yeah, he's got other ideas and it made quite a bit.

So let's bring out that famous author, writer of the movies. Brian Husky. You're welcome. You're welcome You're welcome You are welcome I'd almost forgotten about Brett Okay, you do the show We almost forgot about Brett

But music was such a big part of that film It was, you know, we started off Just, we just had I like to write from inspiration And we just had a, I like to write from inspiration, and we just had a room of instruments. I have a farm, and then I have an auxiliary farm next to that farm, upstate

California, and we would go out there, and we would just grab whatever instrument was handy. We had dobros, we had dobros, we had dobros, we had banjos, and dobros,

and we just started exploring, and the next thing we knew, we were making up Catholic songs. You know, songs that Catholics would approve of, Catholics might listen to. So I said, put my fucking Dobros down, everybody.

Get off my farm because the muse is here. I kicked everyone off. There were tears, but I had to set in. Beck was crying. Beck was there. Band of Horses was there. Good for a farm. Good band for a farm. Rihes was there. Good for a farm. Good band for a farm.

Rihanna was there. But Rihanna did not play anything. This is something about her. When she goes to upstate New York or upstate California, either one, she likes to just kick back and not do anything musical.

Does she stop doing that accent? No, she still sounds like an Irish sailor. Yes, she's still doing that. When she's on camera, she sounds normal, but if you have just a conversation, she does this brogue thing that's just... Can I say the word annoying on this podcast? Um...

Hayes? Is it... I know you've had a problem with that in the past. I know that that circulates. Does he have an A-word pass? You know what? It reminds me of my childhood in a

scary way. You know what? Let's hot pocket that right now. I used to do a impression of the mask that I thought was very fun and nice. And it was described using another word that I thought was very fun and nice. And it was described using another word that I'd rather not hear

ever again. Okay, so we're going to hot pocket that for just right now. No, no, no. Do you know hot pocket, the term? I thought I did. Oh, gosh. Okay, I guess that came out this week. This is a new industry term.

If you hot pocket something, you're just going to set it aside for later, but bring it up in an inopportune moment. So you're getting that thing hot and ready to serve up to someone who has a gluten allergy. That's the whole idea behind it. I'm going to hot pocket it.

Yes. That's my favorite Gaffigan bit, and I love when stand-ups talk about gross food. I like it, but he doesn't really mention being a dad. So there's a way for them to do both. That's the perfect one. He's the kind of performer who I wish his voice was in a more attractive body.

Yes, the perfect woman. Yes. I feel like he has a very engaging female voice, transgender, that should be in another vessel, but that's for another time. Ooh, I remember my other favorite Gaffigan bit. The manatee stuff. The holy trinity of Gaff.

So enough about Gaffigan. Let's talk about you. Your big movie was so big that you have to do another, and it happens to even the best of us. That's true. Only the best. But you, of course, have brought the script for Teen Pope 2. Yes.

Yes. We're going to read Teen Pope 2. I have, it's printed on this money. Oh, good. Good. Full title is? I thought I almost forgot the script. Teen Pope 2, The Great White Pope.

And so it picks up, just so everybody knows where we are, it picks up right after there's been a Black Pope. Okay? So this new Pope is the Great White Pope. And, of course, who is this great new White Pope?

Teen Pope grown up. Grown up a little bit. And surely you remember Teen Pope pope grown up. Yes. Grown up a little bit. And surely you remember teen pope's real name. Yes. So teen pope... You just had to say yes. Yes, I do remember it.

So teen pope decides that he's going to get back in there and just sort of bring some radical attitude back to the holy church thing. And this is printed on the front page of the script. Yep. That's the full title.

It's the colon. That's the original title. It's the full explanation of the theme and the pitch because I just said, this is a win-win, so just read this. Here's the title, here's the go, and that happened. And that's a real story.

That's a real story. Yes, and I've heard it a few times now and I'm loving it. Yes. So we, a lot of the notes we got in thinking about the sequel with you developing it is turn it into a rock musical. Well, do you guys want to

talk about how we, our process? Yes. Because it was not upstate California or New York that we went to. It was a little country by the name of Brazil. Nope. No, it wasn't. Oh, that's right.

That's a huge country. Yes. It was one of the small ones. Yeah. Church City. That's it. That's it. Church City.

We went to Church City. The tiny one where the church lives. Yeah. And I remember being there and being so inspired by what is around. Because you said earlier that you like to write from inspiration and I thought, I'll try that too.

It was fun. They don't like when you throw a screaming Nerf football there. Mainly because that is an old tradition that they've done away with. They used to throw these inflated, flaming loaves of bread out to the people. When Jesus was like, this is my body. This is my body. Fucking psych.

Fucking I'm on fire. Help me. You burnt. I think that was the origin of you burnt. You burnt. And they would, of course, stick a live bird inside the bread to create the screaming football effect.

Right. And oftentimes the wings would get free and they would fly around a little bit. Yes. People thought that it was a vision of the devil and it got very confusing and so they're like, well, let's just scrub this one off. We can do all this stuff with the dirt on their face

and all that stuff. Yeah, that palms, all that, because they were like, this really never meant anything. I think it just seemed cool. Yes. But yeah, we were in Church City, Brazil. It was actually in Brazil. I was playing a little thing with him.

But they let us into their music room where there were dobros and there were banjos. And there were some holy chimes. And we got down to business. And we played one note, I think it was. That was it. That's taking me back. That's giving me a physical response that I enjoy. Yeah, it's a flashback. It's a flashback. And I think you know what it is. And then we just

got to typing, got to writing. We were in different rooms and we were writing different scripts originally and I said that's fine but they almost sort of worked together they almost did we did sort of a Burroughs thing that fellow who shot at his wife so much and he was crazy and he did heroin

he used to do a thing where he would chop up books and then put them back together and say hey it's a book. Yes, at Justin Burroughs. He was running with scissors always. We did that with this script and I'll say the first

14 versions of it were terrible. Oh, I'm ready to admit that now. Because none of it were sentences. There were no sentences. No. There was nothing there was no language that was understandable. none of it were sentences. There were no sentences. No. There was nothing. There was no language that was understandable. But now there's some. Yes.

Thank you. Yes. Yes. That could be our set piece. Is it the set piece in the movie? We haven't decided yet. We have to let the studio know what the set piece is. Did it? What? Huh? That one. The chopped up scene. The chopped up scene.

The chopped up scene. Yeah, the beat poet scene that we put in there. Oh, that's the main set piece? That's the main set piece? Yes, the running with scissors scene. Yeah, we can. That's how the books got all chopped up. He chopped up the scripts because he's running with the scissors.

And he dries them out and they're dry and all that. And so that's good. That's a good point. Do we want to just launch into the first scene of the movie and just give these people a little taste of the movie with their mouth from us reading it? I'll read stage directions.

Yes, please. And you'll read Pope Attitude. I will of course be reprising my role as Pope Attitude. Jason Attitude, that's the name that you remember. I know. And you know who you're guys.

Yes, I'm the outgoing Black Pope. And, um... You know who you're guys. Yes, I'm the outgoing black pope. My favorite song, this is Brian writing, plays Pinch Me by Bare Naked Ladies. Interior, church city Pope attitude

Walks down the main hall Of the city He's slapping fives With a bunch of Bishops and shit Well Mazeball's ridiculous with a bunch of bishops and shit. Well, maze balls, redonkulous. Hey, y'all flappy diggy dudes. Check this out.

I give zero Fs. Uh-oh, awkward town. It's the old pope. What's going on, maestro? Listen, it's going to be a tough road for you, but I'm going to do what is the right thing to do and give you some advice. Okay.

When you go in there, if you're black, it's going to be tough for you Okay But you're not black So you got that going for you Yeah There's some real issues In America right now.

One with Ferguson and all the cops killing everybody. But that's not your problem because you're a white pope. Well, and also the pope's domain is not expressly America. They're police and racial politics. You know, it seems like the American government would be more concerned with that, and I would just be running Church City and the church we like,

the big one. That's one of the main issues with the Catholic system. It's so obsessed with staying neutral, not getting involved. Ah, fuck it. I'm out of here. Peace, doggy.

Now, can we stop this down for a second? You said in developing the sequel with us that you really wanted to let the world know how you felt about Black Widow. I felt like what was lacking in Teen Poe was a real message.

Like, yes, we're identifying some of the changes that teenagers go through, that, you know, the normal sort of journey of the self, catcher in a rye kind of thing. But I was like, can we take a second? Can we take a second?

You cannot blow by that. You cannot blow by that. How many times have you guys thought about that book? Hands up. It's in my satchel all the time. How many times? I need a number. How many times have you guys thought about that book? Hands up. It's in my satchel. All the time. It's in my satchel. How many times? I need a number. How many times? There's not a number. There's no number.

And every page is dogged at this point because they all have something to say to me. On both corners. Yes. And it's written so long ago and I still hate phonies today. Yes. Yes. But as I sat down phonies today! Yes. Yes. But,

as I sat down to work on this script, catcher in the rye in one hand, my typing hand on the other hand, I said to myself, Brian Husky, writer,

are you going to say the same thing, or are you going to say something else? I didn't answer myself. I didn't answer myself. No. Because that would have made me look stupid. But instead, I let my typing hand decide for me. I blacked out, guys. I'm going to be me. I blacked out, guys.

I'm going to be honest. I blacked out. It does seem like for a while in the script that you are trying to type with your catcher in the rye hand. I know. There's just a cluster of letters. It seems like it's just a book pressed against the keys. That's maybe when my catcher in the rye hand

came in to kind of interject. But my typing hand was like, no, stand back, knave. Message. And that's where we got the black pope. People don't realize that

writing is just really a wrestling match and a war between your two hands in a lot of ways. It's two sides of the brain that are id and ego and super ego and psyche, which is four parts of the brain

fighting for two positions. So, then it becomes the left hemisphere and the right hemisphere. I love science. Yes. Keep going. And we all know that the right hemisphere has a secret trap door

that if you go in there, that's the answer to the questions the left hemisphere was asking your left hand to tell to your right typing hand. Talk about the chlamygdala. The which one?

The chlamygdala. Oh, the chlamygdala? The switch in the brain, yes. Yeah, the switch in the brain is almost like, you know those turbocharged cars that dickheads drive? If you switch that and it gives a bunch of nitrous oxide or some bullshit I'm making up right now. NOS.

NOS. NOS. That's what happens. Illmatic. Yeah. Yeah. So I like to think that that's what happened when I was writing to answer your question you hear that nice Frankenstein

I know you were thinking so I'd love to see the scene where the conflict enters because I feel like that's such an important part of the film. Well, you know, an interesting decision I made was to take what seems like the conflict out in the

very first scene. That's what we called a red herring getting raped by a bunch of truckers in the industry. That's the terminology. Red herring is like a trucker term. Getting raped is a trucker term.

Rape is a trucker term. Bunch of truckers just describes the truckers who use those terms. Trucker is a term. So you put all that together and that's what happens to answer your question. So yeah, I took that out but then I said, okay, that's what happens, to answer your question. So yeah, I took that out, but then I said, okay, here's another bit of conflict. You didn't see this coming. And I

think I put that in the action line, right? Yes, you did. Yeah, I think I did that every page. I wanted to keep them engaged. And that's a tip for you writers out there. Anybody wants to be a writer? Quick show of hands? All right that's enough. So, if you want to really engage your reader, make it so personal that they feel like they're just hanging out with you. I will have long, long diatribes about my

own personal issues within the script. And then I'll put a little asterisk at the bottom there and say hey, this doesn't have to be in the movie or it can't. I'll put my to-do list a lot of times. And then I'll cross out three of the items,

and then a few pages later I'll go, ah, damn, I forgot to do, and then it's the two items on the to-do list that weren't crossed out. And so that's sort of like a cool like, they're inside my day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just about making the experience

a human experience. And it's people is what does the movies at the end of the day. It am. It am. Should we get to the conflict scene? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. At long last. Yes.

The music cue says, just monkey wrench. What? Interior. Adult circumcision chamber. Pope attitude lies on a marble slab. He's surrounded by the Council of Elders

holding scimitars. Yep. He's sweating bullets. Yeah, my freaking girlfriend asked me if you guys could take off a little bit extra. I find no humor in your predicament. Tin Poo. I want to be the monkey rash. Can we stop for a second? Can we stop for a second?

Can we stop for a second? Now, that was supposed to be that famous British actor who died recently. What's his name? Oh, yes. Christopher Lee? No. Peter Cushing?

Plummer? Christopher Plummer? Wait. Reeve. Reeves. Yes. All of them. We were trying to get all those British guys.

The British ones. To be the Council of Elders. But they were just dying, like left and right. Boom, boom, boom. Call them up. They're dying. They're dying. In retrospect, with Christopher Reeve, is that on us?

is that on us? Well, there is a story going around town that when he heard that he got the news from his agent that he was going to be in Teen Vogue 2, he gadied.

He up and gadied. Because of that. So I think that's a great way to go out I'm not taking a blame for it I'm saying yes that that kind of recognition is what he'd been striving for the whole time that's a button on a career that you cannot put on a shirt yeah yes even though he's British, but that's fine. Okay, back to the scene. Sorry, that's just a little side note.

Yeah, an additional side note. We thought it was so cool when we decided to make one character named Council of Elders. Yes. But it really came back to bite us when those actors kept dying, you know, because then we could have had some backups. Well, that's going back. I'm sorry to interrupt. Hold on a second. That's going back to the classic Greek chorus.

Now, this Council of Elders was the classic Greek chorus, and we're going to have them all speak in together. That's why we put that pronunciation, that kind of unusual sort of twisting and bending so we chose a different font right we smeared it on the page we put water on each script we smeared it

we put tzatziki we put tzatziki over it and then at the end of the day it just ends up being one guy that's Hollywood I guess that's Hollywood. They're always reducing groups of characters to one. They'll say,

yes, they don't like the Greek chorus. They never have. And they don't like the pass. They did it with the basketball team and Hoosiers. It ended up just being one guy. One main Hoosier. For a pass, and it would just go out of bounds.

That was the original. Pitch Perfect was supposed to be that. They just were like, well, let's have them speak individually. And they were like, alright, fine. They're women. Let's do that. 300 is just one big giant guy. One guy. Just make the name one. Yeah.

Of course, then that would step on my movie, One. How's that going? Oh, bad. I made the choice to he's talking to himself in the mirror, and then for some reason I broke the mirror on page two. Well, are you learning any? Did you do that Tom Hardy film where he's just sitting in a car like a jerk for a whole film?

But even then he's using the rearview mirror a lot. That's true. He's talking to his dad in the backseat. That's kind of like true. Probably the part that's not good. Now, he had a phone. That's true. Yes.

Ooh. Does that break one wide open? Because your guy has a phone now. Yes. I gave you the note of putting him in a super echoey place. So it sounded like there's a bunch of them. So he thinks he's talking more. Yeah.

Stop copying me. Hello. Hello. Why are you saying hello back to me? Want to play shadow? Want to play shadow? And that I thought brought a little bit of levity because it is a drama, right? It's starting to be, yeah.

Because there is a new genre. There's the cromedy, you know? Cromedy, yeah. That's Crabman Dune doing comedy. And a comma. You could do a comma. Should we do the final scene of the movie? Yeah.

Already? Wow, that really whizzed by. I think there's... There's more scenes. There's more scenes. I'm having a joke on the audience and all of us on stage. Well, we should just tell them what happens with the Council of Elders. That scimitar gets real close to Pope Attitude Junk's

Jason Attitude's Junk. Close, yeah. It goes through it. Yes. And then it starts to glow. I mean, let's just read it. Okay. Pope Attitude, you will not fear

the sting of the hematite, right boys? myself right wait, no, I don't say that I'm Pope Attitude Stradlatter's such a phony he's a secret slob

the music guy wakes up and plays I Believe in a Thing Called Love. Pope Attitude grabs the scimitar. If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

Yoiko doiko, what are you doing? Strumming the scimitar like a guitar. What am I doing? I'm shredding my fucking wee-wee, dude. You must be double time crazy. Is this church or not? Let's get out of here, Council of Elders,

and let's set all of those children free from the basement. Side note. Okay? We did have... I wanted to build in... I wanted to build in a secret storyline. Okay? Yeah, this is the first time I'm hearing of this.

Yes. A lot of people... A lot of people just gloss over that part of the movie. Just as like... He's just saying crazy stuff. But no, there's a bunch of children held in the Vatican basement. Church City. Church City.

That's where we wrote it. Brazil. Is that not the same place? No, no. We should also say that we took ayahuasca when we were doing this. Not a safe amount, either. And we didn't have a shaman help us with it all. They should call it Aichiwawa.

Yeah. Because that's how I was feeling internally. I think the shaman would have told us whether we're supposed to sniff it or drink it or what. Or cut our skin open and insert it under our skin and sew it back in.

We did all of it, yeah. We sewed it into our flesh which did different things to us. I drilled a hole in my head and poured it in. Yeah. I mean, I guess it helped

with some things, but hurt with others. Well, you have to say, what's more important, myself or my art? It comes out his ear sometimes and then goes back in. Like a slither. Yeah, almost like it's peeking out. Is it safe? You know what?

You're super lucky because now you have a third consciousness. Yeah, and it's good to hang it out. I knew about the two. Well, every writer has two. There's Sean and then Big Sean. We've all got two, yeah, and it's good to hang out. I knew about the two. Yeah. Well, every writer has two. There's Sean and then Big Sean. We've all got two, yeah. But yeah, the third one is a cool guy. Yeah.

Anyway, you were talking about the children locked in the basement. Oh, yeah, sorry. There's a secret storyline that if you're a devoted watcher and fan of the series, you will want to investigate more. We're hoping when the film comes out that there will be an app that goes with it. When that line is said during the movie, you stop paying attention to the movie

and look down only at your phone, and a second movie will start playing on your phone. Now, we want the viewers to only watch this movie. Okay? This is about the children who are kept in the basement, and their only information they've gotten from the outside world is

listening to Rush Limbaugh. And they're trying to make sense of growing up and changes and having sex with each other and some of them are siblings. Do we want to do a scene from that movie? Yes, I would. So the main characters are Rory,

Scooter, and Bam Bam. I know. Yes. Bam Bam's a girl. Duh. Scooter's a guy. Right. And Rory, question mark? Yes, let's wait and find out Yes, okay

So, do you want to read the stage directions for this one too? Okay Interior, child jail The music guy stops freestyling as We hear Possum Kingdom. Rory and Scooter sit cross-legged on the floor, splitting a meal of Bam Bam's legs. splitting a meal of Bam Bam's leg. Hey, Lori, I'll trade you one of my pets for your pimp and then we'll both have the same eye we started with.

Sounds good. Hey, I want to ask you a question. Do you think Bam Bam's into me? Because I want to get into her sexually. Wouldn't know a thing about it. Oh, come on, Roarster.

I know you got something down there you want to let roar. Alright, fine. You've been digging at it for so long, I'll show it to you. Ew, Jim Jim You got a fucked up wing wing Uh oh, shut it up

Here comes Bam Bam One-legged Bam Bam Hops into the room Ooh, look at that hot pogo stick I'd like to see it go up and down on me. We wasn't eating nothing. Bam Bam slides, starts to say something, then slides on a pile of slime

out through the door, which it turns out was not only unlocked, but just a push. Say, we're on our way out. Do you think it's true that the person with the fucked up wing-wing that matches the Pope's is the next

Teen Pope? I don't know. I'm scared to go out there. Will you guys help me? No! Oh! Okay, and that's where some of the ads start popping up on your phone. Okay, I really encourage you to click on those ads

because some of these games are rocket hot. Okay? They are super fun. There's King's War. There's King's War. Which is where we could get Cade Upton. Mae West. Foot of Mae West.

We got an old... Yeah, we got an animation of Mae West. Who I honestly think is sexier. There's something to be said for... Just gigantic... Holding a little of it back every now and then. Yes. Yeah, and so, yeah, it's it back every now and then. Yes. And so, yeah, it's not King's War.

It's Gentleman's Disagreement. Yes. And it's just fun. It's just fun. So once you've downloaded that game and played the first 12 levels, then you'll get to the next chapter of this secret storyline, which is basically them

getting put back in the room because someone noticed they wandered out. And that's all we fleshed out right now. It seems like you're setting up for a third though, huh? Don't put me in a corner, but yes.

That's what's happening. Oh, the industry. Okay, so anyway, so yes. When the Teen Pope chopped up his genitals. Wing, wing, yes. Puts a scimitar through it, and it started to glow, which we all heard. That's actually, when we were in Vatican City, I was allowed to go into one of the gift shops,

and I was looking through one of the books they had there, and I found a little bit about the self-mutilation habits of old popes. And that their wee-wee would start to glow because, of course, a lot of their genitals are from space. Yes, yes. And that was the divine intervention of the astral projection of the aliens that come down, as well as God getting involved to sort of straighten things out.

Well, God's friends with the aliens. And they would give off great smoke if it was really a pope. So I wanted to just, as much as I could, I wanted to say, yes, this is a rich, vibrant history. We should draw from it, because we took a lot of liberties. They don't wear any of the Pope clothing. There's not a single cross in the movie. They wear young and reckless gear. Yeah.

They call Jesus the F-bomb. They just call him a fuck. They call Jesus a fuck. Yeah, almost exclusively. Yeah. It's hard to tell he's Jesus until pretty far into the film. And he's played by Rob Dyrdek.

But they're just calling him a fuck, and until they crucify him as a prank, and you see it next to the actual crucifix, and that they match, you may not know. These are the things that we're like, wow, we can't improve on this. Let's just use this stuff. So, yeah. Jesus was called a fuck. What else? What else in the movie? No, just in general. Oh, okay.

No, but yeah, so after that scene, the Council of Elders goes away. Of course, we had to introduce the Teen Pope's new love interest. Couldn't get the old one back. No, no. But since we were in Brazil, we were like, well, let's get a little Brazilian flavor

in there. Yes, and so Ronaldo, the soccer player, was available. That's true. And we thought, well, Teen Pope is exploring, and you know, we might have another. As all popes do. We wanted to have another modern scene. Let's cut to interior boudoir.

Yes. The freestyling ceases forever. As Team Pope and Ronaldo. He insisted on using his own name and being a soccer player. Ronaldo the girl. Yes, but he did want to wear a wig.

Face each other in bed. I Chingada. Team Pope. You can do so many things to me. What a score. Two to one, you win. Soccer. Yes.

Across the universe, please. But, all right, Ronaldo, I'll do what you want and save the church city from the rent being raised, but, but first, just a few more I'll do what you want and save the church city from the rent being raised, but...

But first, just a few more beijinhos. That's Portuguese for kisses. So real quick, we know that Ronaldo is Brazilian. You don't want to hear where a teen pope eats Ronaldo's pussy? We'll get to that. We'll get to that. So, yes, we chose a Portuguese phrase to be said to a Brazilian soccer player.

Why? Yeah, why? Because America needs to look at itself. Okay, back to the scene. Now, now, now, would you like to try

some of my ponde dulce? That's my pussy. Try it. I'm looking to own that shit. Hold up, hold up. Get that tongue out of there. Did you just say own me? No, no, no.

I'm an independent woman. I'm going to have a job and I'm not going to let a baby come out of my vagina. I'm going to have a cesarean like a proud woman would. But that's the only thing the church doesn't like. But that's the only thing the church doesn't like. Well, I don't care. It's either cesarean or you don't get to munch on my honey, Plappo.

Well, that choice was made a long time ago. In my downstairs area. No, no, no, no, no, no. TP, TP, TP. Yeah, yeah. Listen to me. This is serious. It's either you change the laws and rules of Catholicism and allow all women

to have Caesareans like they want to have or we will not be together and for now i'm gonna shove this pillow into my vagina so you'll have no access to it wait that's not my vagina that's your mouth this scene fades okay and this leads into one of my favorite montages of the Teen Pope walking around by himself just really thinking. With a pillow in his mouth.

With a pillow still in his mouth as a reminder of what scene just happened before. That's another writer's tip. Always have some element of the scene that just happened before, whether it's a flashback from the past or to the future or from another country or different, anything. Always have some element, okay?

It can be another character from another scene who walks by in the background. They can be wearing the outfit of the person they were talking to in the previous scene. Whatever. You have to connect the dots for the viewers. No offense to the audience, but you're stupid as shit. So you've got to do these things.

So he's walking around, and I wanted to say, let's make it real time. And when I think about something, it usually takes about two to three weeks to make a decision. decision. So this was a two to three week handheld Scorsese-esque no-cut shot of him walking around and thinking. And Bill Maher was there.

And Bill Maher was there because he was in the previous scene but we cut him out. The funny thing is we only ended up using four seconds of that shot. Want to make God laugh? Plan how long the Teen Pope montage is going to be.

Yes, thank you. Another t-shirt was just made. The two week one shot montage that we were going to do. And we're going to end up cutting it out of the movie entirely anyway. But should we just play it? Yeah, we're going to play that scene right now. The walking around with a pill in the mouth.

And I was like, let's make it fun. Let's jazz it up. Let's have some stones in there. You know? And this is that scene, so enjoy it. Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh. that's it

that's it that's him thinking and I'm not going to tell you what he decided uh oh gotta buy a ticket gotta buy a ticket or is that another secret storyline it is actually we wanted it to be a You gotta buy a ticket. You gotta buy a ticket. Or is that another secret storyline?

Yeah. It is, actually. We wanted it to be a three-screen experience. So this one is only downloadable on a tablet device, okay? So when you come to see it, bring your phone, bring a tablet, okay? You're gonna have to have both of those. But what if I have a phablet, Mr. Husky? We knew we'd get this one.

Yep. So true. That's like a disabled guy. I don't... That's kind of a hot pocket for me, so let's not... Did the definition of that term change while we were doing this? This town.

No, it didn't. I still find it annoying. Hot pocket you. I just hot pocketed you. He's going somewhere. He's going somewhere. But I am smoking. I am smoking.

Okay. Writers, just listen to what he's saying Because this is probably inspiration Somebody, somebody Stop me Somebody Is this going to be dialogue in a movie?

This could be a confession of some kind Brett, play Cuban Pete Play what? I've never seen Brett, play Cuban Pete. Play what? I've never seen the mask. Play Cuban Pete. I just wanted to pretend to my friends that I could see a PG-13 movie. Cuban Pete.

I heard other people doing it. He's the king of Arumba Beach. That's how I try to do it too. That's close. He seems to be coming out of it now. Oh, gosh. Where was I?

You just came up with several great pitches. Yes. So, you remember all that stuff he just said. Oh, it's all locked away. It's all locked in there. And we're going to be seeing Teen Popes for a long, long time because all of this is usable. Do we have time

for anything more? Time for anything else. Well, what do you have in mind? Questions? That sounds easy. Oh, yes. I've decided we should get a question. Oh, that's a good decision by you.

Brett, will you play the Popcorn Gallery theme song, please? With the words? Popcorn Gallery. Is that it? That was it. Those were the lyrics. Pretty close. Formerly Arthur Hickman, have you thought of a new name for yourself now that I'm Arthur Hickman?

Oh, that's pretty good. That's your alter ego from the previous episode. Yes, it is. He it is a very deep cut okay yes it is so I guess let's get play the sound drop then. Ah. Wait. Oh, so much popcorn spilling onto the floor. Oh, it's... Oh, he's actually gone into the popcorn barrel to get it. This is a sound clip, bro.

I'm lost inside the barrel. There's no visual, but... Maybe if I stand up, I'll be inside the barrel. There's no visual, but... Maybe if I stand up, I'll be outside the barrel, and I'm wearing it like a poor person, a barrel with suspenders. You just explained the sound clip. That doesn't sound like a viable sound clip. You wouldn't have to have that kind of...

Well, my high school friend Mark sends us these sound clips. He records them independently from his estate near Cape Cod, where he has a job pushing dumpsters into each other. Ah. Ah. He got in early. He's a dump dumpster.

I'm sorry, Mark. He's a dump dumpster? Yes. He was one of the first ones, so he got equity. Mm-hmm. And it just grew and grew. Now they have dumpster derbies. Right? With live people

out there pushing stuff. I'll try to challenge Mark, who's doing one with each hand now. Strong dude. Well, so inside the bag was a question from the audience. And what was it? Let's see.

Seems like something that one person would have prepared. They had a long time during the sound clip. Anything, any insights. I realize it's been a low-side proposition for everyone else who's ever done it. What a non-committal half-hand raise from our intern.

Oh, here we go. Here's a problem. This person's hungry. This person's hungry. You can see it. Can this guy sound like really stupid? It probably is. Go ahead.

I wish every question would begin with what this person said, which is, this might sound really stupid. It would help prepare me. I feel sufficiently prepared for what's about to come go ahead oh this is going to be very good great

wow oh wow oh wow Wow. Oh, wow. Okay. It's, oh, wow. Let's see. That's, okay, so. That's a, that's a, are you. We should give the question back, right?

No, this has to be addressed. Yeah, but let's say the question. The question is, is Teen Pope a real movie? Are you a real person? I love your show. I'm a faithful listener to your show. I'm a huge fan. I came here to see you guys.

I waited long hours. I was here early. I'm sitting in the front row like a groupie. I'm hungry for this. I have a brain thing where the front half is wax. So, I guess this begs the question of what's a real movie?

Okay. A real movie is something that makes you feel. A real movie is something that makes you think. A real movie is something that you will never

be able to fucking do. Because you can't recognize that I've created something that has changed America. And you come in here and you ask that kind of question of someone who's made it in this fucking business. This is a town that will eat you alive. You are a fucking, fucking piece of shit! Yes, it's a real movie! It's going to be a sequel! And if I could piggyback on that...

Thank you, sir. Thank you. You know, I actually agree with a lot of what you said. Thank you, sir. Thank you. You know, I actually, I agree with a lot of what you said. Thank you. But I almost think that minimizes it because, of course, yes, Teen Pope is a real movie. Yes, yes. Dummy, that did sound stupid. It is a real movie. Yes.

But also, it's so much more than that. Thank you. Do you not see the car wraps? People who drive around now with their cars wrapped in Teen Poe shit. And I want this to be an open forum at this point. Oh, everyone's free to ask. Just let it come out.

So anyone else want to say something about the movie I wrote? Anything. Anything at all. A lot of people nodding like they liked it. Yeah. A lot of people looking down. And we will be running over the 1030 show, by the way. Yeah.

Entirely. Yeah. They've made a powerful enemy. That 1030 show you were waiting to see is actually no longer a show. Yeah. Unless you call it the middle third of our show. Right. Did someone else have a question?

It could be about anything, dude. Somebody raising their hand. There you go, yes. Yes, miss? Yes. Can teen dogs, like, drive, like, a popo-beal? Like, in nature? He skitches. He skitches the popo-beal.

We never got the question out of the bag. I'm so sorry. Hey, this new barrel outfit's working out. See, I feel like I can see it. I wish these flies weren't all buzzing around me like I'm stinky. I can really picture this.

And your eyes are pure white. Yeah, no, it's like Say, what's that? A bag of money? Well, my barrel fell off. And I'm in a tuxedo. Okay, now I'm seeing a tuxedo. Oh, he got rich.

The question was, does Teen Pope drive the Popemobile? Again, I feel like you haven't seen the car raps. He skitches everywhere. He rides a skateboard and he grabs the bumper of a passing car which is what's happening on the wrapped image of every car that you see I don't understand

clearly that is a metaphor for the radical change that's happening within the people's system because this fresh new young voice is coming in there and he's not going to ride around in the stinky old poke mobile. No, he doesn't need it. And he's not afraid of being shot at

because he will be shot at a lot. Oh yes. No, he gets shot for most of the movie. Most of the movie is being shot out in the original one and in two as well. It's a lot of him being shot off his skateboard but his hand is stuck to the bumper. Hoverboard.

Right. Well, it goes back and forth. There's some continuity problems. We had a hoverboard. Within shots. Yeah, within shots. But we said, it's art, so let's let it roll.

And that's like the church, too. It's like sometimes they're moving forward, but sometimes they have to go back to the old ways, too, which is like having wheels appear on your hoverboard. Right, right, right, right, right. Wheel! And that's the sound. That's that familiar wrap-up sound.

Yep, getting to be that time again. That means it's the end of the show. What do we usually say? Well, like us on Facebook. Rate us on iTunes. But that feels stupid here. Oh, buy more tickets. Yes.

Come back and see the 1030 show. Support Life Theater. Yes. Support Life. You had something you wanted to plug. Yes, what's Brian plugging? Your one-man show. Support Life Theater. Yes. Support Life Podcasting. You had something you wanted to plug. Yes, what's Brian plugging? Your one-man show. Oh, yes.

I'm doing a one-man reading of... A one-man reading? A one-man reading. Very impressive. And it's not me reading. It's not me reading. It's someone else reading my unpublished and unproduced scripts. Someone else reading my unpublished and unproduced scripts.

There are 60... 722 scripts will be read. And it... Back to back. And it's all in a monotone. No inflection, no differentiation between action and dialogue. So it's really a challenging experience for the viewer. Okay? Was Kaufman a genius?

Pardon me? Was Andy Kaufman a genius? Or was he a scoundrel? Ooh! He was a playful imp. That would never make it in this town today. I'll tell you that much. With those hideous cheeks

and that Armenian bent to his life. I'm just saying what the industry is thinking. We should have Brett play some outro music. And Megan Adams got the pro version And Megan Adams got the pro version. Megan Adams got the pro version, yes. Please don't scare us anymore. And Earl Four. Earl Four gets the pro version, too.

No, you don't get to choose. Play Old Apartment. What's that? You know, Old Apartment. Old Apartment. Old Apartment. Welcome to the Old Apartment. Is that another Bare Naked Ladies? Yes.

I don't know all the Bare Naked Ladies. Good instinct, by the way, by the sound person to shut down Brett's mic. Right, thanks. I like the direction you're thinking, but if we could just bring it up for just one second. Is that Cody? Bare Naked Ladies? I don't know. Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett.

This is where we used to live. Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett. Did you play Brian Wilson? You said you knew metal. Brett, if I, Brett, you're a rocker. If I had a million dollars. I asked what your specialty was and you said metal.

You don't know any Barenaked Ladies? Brian Wilson or Barenaked Ladies? Brett, Brett, Brett. Or metal? Brett, Brett. I don't know. Who's on first comedy act? I mean, I don't know if that's what you're trying to do.

But I refuse to engage. Brett, it's all been done. It's all been done. Brett, one week. Why is it Barenaked Ladies every time? I don't know, that's the one band I don't know You know Just Pinch Me by Bare Naked Ladies? Just play that again

Really? Yes Thank you all for coming tonight Brian Husky. This is the last episode ever. Goodbye. I'm out. See you guys. Here we go. is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.