Hollywood Handbook - Bryan Safi, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: October 24, 2017

Sean and Hayes are so mad about something in the news that they got BRYAN SAFI from Throwing Shade to come on the show and help them out about it. This episode is sponsored by The Second City Training Center and Blue Apron.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. ran into each other there. So that was nice, just to have someone to kind of like go around with. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, when you get too scared. And warn about the ghosts that are coming and all that stuff. This corner, there's one ghost that's here. So you take turns going ahead, and then the other person comes in, and before they come in, you say, okay, so this guy, he's a ghost. He's going to come out of here.

But they have all the mazes for the different shows and stuff. The Orville maze is really, really scary. Well, that sounds very scary to me because just the idea of having to captain a ship with your ex-wife as your first mate. So they debrief you when you show up, and you are Captain Ed Mercer, and your ex-wife Kelly Law lost it i want to say is yeah like when you show up in the maze they're like here's your ex-wife and you're oh no and so she's with you going through the maze which is what's happening to him yes he's going on these

missions that are incredibly intense incredibly scary and the only person he can rely on is a person who committed the ultimate betrayal which is fucking like a crazy alien. Yes. And Bordas is there. All the ghosts are Bordas. But he's like surprising you but he is your friend so he's surprising you with like food and treats and stuff.

But when you first see him it is always very scary. I know it wouldn't fit but you know what I wish was in that maze? One of these porgs. Yeah. Are these cute? These porgs? It would fit. They you know what I wish was in that maze? One of these porgs. Yeah. Are these cute? These porgs? It would fit.

They could have put some porgs in the maze. Well, they're in space. They live in space, right? And so does the Orville. Yeah. Well, anyway. I mean, I'm getting you off track. Me, myself, and I maze was really scary.

Well, Fear has a new address, and it's 9JKL, is my understanding. And in that maze, Feuerstein jumps out and scares you around one corner, and then just as you turn, Gould is there. Yeah, Elliot Gould. David Walton is there. Elliot Gould, yes. Yeah. And he's trying to force some melon into your mouth.

No, don't I know it. Well, he thinks it's so delicious, he wants you to force some melon into your mouth. No, don't I know it. Well, he thinks it's so delicious he wants you to try it, but it's like a little too aggressive. And it's pretty scary just to have your brother and your parents living in the two apartments next to you and thinking about the lack of privacy because you can hear everything in every apartment. So, you know. We can keep talking about this. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. because you can hear everything in every apartment. So, you know. We can keep talking about this. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook.

Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. The show. An insider's guide to this show. So, what? Brian Safi, did you do Halloween Horror Night? Safi, have you done it? Do you have a scary maze? You know, I've never done it. I keep getting invited to,

there's some place that everyone takes their kids and I can't remember the name of it, but it's like a pumpkin. You're picky to school. People keep trying to put me in school. I'm not going. I had the same damn thing. I told him to go

and sit on it, sister. I ain't going to no fucking school. I'm a fucking third grade dropout, baby. Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone. No, so I've never been to Hollywood Horror Nights. I've only been to like pumpkin patches. I'm not a big crowd. I am a big scare person, but I'm not a big waiting in line crowd person.

No crowds at the pumpkin patch? I'm above it. Well, they stay away from you because you go in there and start smashing pumpkins. I sure do. Breakdown 1979. The scariest song of all. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, it is scary, man.

Just trying to work with a control freak like Corgan. Yeah, he's, I think, a big conservative. Eha told me as much. What was the lady's name? Kim. Kim Karen. Kim Karen. Welcome to the show, Brian.

You do Throwing Shade. You're new to the Earwolf Network. Are you just having the best time? Guys, I don't even know. We've been laughing. We come into these halls. We kick off our shoes and we laugh so hard. All the funniest people in one building.

It hurts I'm laughing so much. The funniest people. Katie Couric. I mean, everyone just like truly I collapse every time I walk in this place. Her physical bits. The physical bits. I mean, the pies in the face. It's like Emmett Kelly.

It's true. It's like, I mean, it's like working with those jackass guys. Yeah. Where you can't go around the corner. You're not safe from a big funny joke. Yeah, exactly. She's like Jason Acuna. It's the sort of humor that like, you know, it's like, to me, it's like the one step below laughing. You know what I mean?

And so. Well, yeah. That was a different time. I mean, you kind of can't compare the 70s. Yeah, and I agree with that. Nixon, Nam. Yes, very interesting. So that I can't compare, but this is the next best thing.

Obviously, Jackass probably nipping at our heels, but Kirk's sort of a Pontius in her own right, a party boy of sorts. And so that to me is why I'm proud to be a part of the Earwolf Network and why I stand strong with my Earwolf brotherhood despite the fact that Patreon allows you to make much more money. Nam Margera, is that something? Oh, it can be.

It's a combination of two things we were talking about. Mm-hmm. Well, welcome. And, like, it's so fun. Like, I will say, like, we do see all the attention you guys are getting now. Oh, good. And, like, it is hard to sometimes be like, oh, I remember when that was like us. Like, when we first showed up.

Was that you guys at some point? Yeah. Oh, cool. And it's hard to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because now that you've shown up,? Yeah. Oh, at one point. And it's hard to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because now that you've shown up, the bloom is off the rose a bit with Hayes and I. People kind of know what we are and what our ceiling is. And I will say.

She did, and we're on the way back down. And I think it's good for you to know that at some point this place will turn on you. Okay. They will abandon your show. They've been trying to get us to add a cute little kid to the show. That's been a big thing. Whatever happened to Angus? You know who I'm talking about.

McFadden? Angus? Was that his last name? Maybe. The guy from Third Rock from the men? Three and a half men. Two and a half men? Yes.

What was that show? Yes. That guy's around. Yes. I know. Yes. Angus. We were trying to work him into the show for a long time.

Because I'm sort of a John Cryer type character. No, no, no. Stop. Hold on. No, that's not nice. What are you doing with her on my couch? Braided belts, pleated pants. I'm kind of a cat.

I'm always writing cat food commercial jingles. I got all this money and I can't remember who I fucked yesterday. You're untucked short-sleeved button-down. The bowling shirt. With the two different colors on it.

You would love Swingers. Did you see that movie? It's pretty cool. I've been trying to get him to see it. To me, I don't want to feel jealous of those guys getting all that poontang because that's sort of how I view myself. And so when I watch like a Ron Livingston just neck deep in poontang, that's going to make me wish I was in the movie. And feeling jealous is one of the feelings I try to avoid now.

But we tried to get Angus involved. His hardline Christian values were a stumbling block, but not a brick wall. I feel like we worked it in in a natural way. Ultimately, he didn't want to be a part of it because he was used to being on popular shows. That was a big... We made it all the way through the Christian stuff. And then he was like, okay,

so a lot of people like this show, listen to it. That was the beginning of the end for that conversation. I do think that it would serve this show well to have a Christian in here. I do think that if you just keep everything in check... Hey, how about that Christian Bale? Hey, baby. Dick Cheney, right?

Oh. Sure. Yeah, that's another guy. No, isn't he playing Dick Cheney? Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm not totally crazy. Yeah. I'm getting out of here.

You're mentioning guys. We were just talking about different guys. Yeah, Christian Bale. Professionally, you and I are done. So we're doing the show. We have Brian here.

Brian's here. What are we going to talk about with Brian? Everyone's wondering who listens. So we do have a project that we've been working on for a long time, a large-scale venture that's based on stuff that's happening in the news. And what's been happening is that we've been listening to the news and watching TV and just getting more and more mad and upset. And a lot of it is this football stuff.

Yeah. I, of course, don't have a TV, and is that interesting? But I've been watching some of Hayes' TV, and I've also had my little cousin Sam. Say hi, Sam. Hi, guys. I've had my little cousin Sam showing me some of this stuff on his phone. He's got one of these new ones. And you have a portable DVD player that sometimes I'll burn games for you.

How many inches is your TV? What's the inch? Mine is 55 inches deep. Oh, so it must be very old. One of the first? Well, it's a TV, so it's not that old. I mean, TVs weren't invented that long ago. Right, okay.

But the screen itself is not that big, but the actual volume of the TV, like how much liquid it would hold if you hauled it out, is huge. It's a bath. It could be a bath. But the volume of the TV is very low. You can't hear anything. That's why I clarified the actual volume. I see. Yes.

Okay. And it comes out the back. So you have to kind of like... If you could be in two places at once. Well, you hold it up to a mirror. And so you can sit in the back where the sound is coming out. And you can watch the TV itself in the mirror.

It looks kind of like a barber pole. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. But a huge one. It's not a TV for, like, dumb people. It honestly doesn't even sound like a TV, but I'm glad that you have something rigged. Okay. Well, it has football on it, as we said.

So, yeah. And we're here to talk about football. Okay, well, it has football on it, as we said. So, yeah, and we're here to talk about football. And my portable DVD player, just in case we want to talk about the size of it, is... What's the inch? Well, it's paper thin. Okay. I mean, it's like a centimeter.

Oh. If that. How thick is paper? Thicker than paper. That's thicker than paper. Is it? That would be pretty thick paper. Okay.

Well, then scratch that. It's like a freaking milliliter. A milliliter? Wait. It's a bushel. Okay. Yeah, that sounds pretty thick. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's heavy as hell, man. This thing, it's heavy, dude. Dog, try carrying that thing up a flight of stairs. Yeah. You know? I've fucking ripped open like two different backpacks cool ripped a hole through them yeah they just go right through them trying

to run up to the top of the empire state building with my dvd player so you know uh and it's still working after ripping through a backpack falling down all those stairs. Well, it's a good investment then. Yeah, I know, I know. You can't see anything on it. The screen's black. What better feeling than to run to the top of the Empire State Building and watch the movie Race at the top?

Mm-hmm. That one about the guy, the Olympics. Mm-hmm. You remember? No. Oh, yeah. I don't. It came out last year. It's the Blade out like last year okay i wanted to get a

haircut the other day and the the guy said let me guess you want the ryan gosling blade runner 2049 so i guess a lot of people are asking for that oh wow i didn't get it but sorry what did you know that's good that's good what movie haircut did you get I ended up going with Kevin Costner uh swing vote that's what I was gonna say yeah

well the old ball cap that I guess is that your hair yeah yeah yeah okay yeah so it looks like a baseball that's the great thing is it provides shade

it looks like a really worn in old ball cap it is it is and they give you a polo shirt yeah it's great it's great that It's great.

And also, I didn't love that movie, but I love the cut. Didn't love Swing Vote. Okay. Oh, I shouldn't have. No,

it's interesting is all. I mean, just say nothing. Better to just say nothing about it. Yeah, I hate having opinions on things.

And this is the guy who wants me to watch Swingers. Right? Right? Right? But he don't swing vote. No, he don't. Okay.

Yeah. That's cool, I guess. I'll think about it. No, but it's okay. Okay. No, but we're friends still. Let's talk about football. We've been getting so mad as Hayes watches TV and I borrow some burned DVDs.

We've been really getting very pissed. We've been freaking out. Yeah, and screaming and stomping around. All this stuff, the players, the coach. Oh, and not even mention some of the frigging executives. Yes, the boss. Forget it. Yeah.

Enough of this. Oh, and the cheerleaders? They're not innocent. No. They're a huge part of this. Concessions. Yes, that guy. Everyone's in on this.

Yes, the food guy. Mm-hmm. Yes. Hot beer here. You know? Yes. Chill the beer. Get your hot beer.

It's over. We're done. Get your hot beer. It's over. We're done. We aren't going to do it anymore. We're officially, and we've been trying to give them a chance and give them some space to kind of regroup and fix some of the issues. And we didn't want to do this, to take an American institution and completely gobble up their fucking lunch and come in with a new league that's even better than the NFL and make it that they can't make money. We hate destroying big institutions. Yeah, because –

It's only when we have to, when our hand is forced that we do it. It's the fabric of America and it's never my choice to destroy American institutions first. What I do first is I just sit and I watch. And I go, I'll be very careful. And then one false move, bang. I bring in a new league that's better than the NFL. I hated doing it with church.

Yeah. You guys brought that down. That hurt my heart. That hurt my heart to do that. Yeah. You guys brought that down. That hurt my heart. That hurt my heart to do that. Yeah. The American car industry. But at some point you have to say, stop it. See ya.

You're dead. I did it to the leftovers. We all were watching the leftovers. Everyone. And then I was just like, you know what? This is done. Bye. We got to do, we got to have a different.

David Spaded you. Yeah. Bye-bye. Yeah, David Spaded. We got to have a different morose HBO show, and I invented Westworld. Oh, yeah. So, sorry, leftovers. But you're left.

Oh. Out? No. Something over? Well. Oh, yeah, it's over. No, wait. You know what? Sam, can you mark this?

Just sitting there. We're going to come back in. No, Sam, I honestly think, you know, Sam can do one thing for this show, which is come up with something for that spot. That's great. You guys are usually so good at wordplay, so I'm surprised that no one could figure that out. Well, when you listen to the show, you don't hear this part. We cut this spot. That's great. You guys are usually so good at wordplay, so I'm surprised that no one could figure

Well, when you listen to the show, you don't hear this part. We cut this out. Oh, okay. But what it'll often be is we'll come up with an area. It's not like we do nothing. A week later. This is like 95% there. We come up with the area like this.

Got it. That's still impressive. Sam, maybe just take two steps across the finish line with this thing. What wording do you want me to come up with? Okay, so it's like, so I was talking about how I kind of like got rid of the leftover, which doesn't even really make sense.

But ended it. And it's like a goodbye, see you later to the leftovers. He's had two examples of things and then I just, my example was the leftovers. I don't know why. Mine were sort of

on concept of like big American institutions like the NFL and it's funny Sean went a different direction which is totally different yes but it

put me in a spot where I needed to have a really good zinger to justify having taken us completely off the idea what if you said leftovers

no take your time you can you have the rest of the show. Oh, okay. But we do need options. So just come up with a few options for something to say like, see you later to the leftovers and they never recover.

So we're doing a new football, Brian. Yeah, it's finally time. That's what we've decided to do is do a new football. And I got to say, it hurts my heart to have to do it. But that might be actually just my diet or something. So is it still football? Well, we'll see. Well, we're going to find out.

I think it is. But I don't think we need to use that weird ball. The actual ball. We still call it that name. The name has a lot of brand value. But the ball, people hate this ball. The actual ball. We still call it that name. The name has a lot of brand value but the ball, people hate this ball. Why is it called football when you don't even use your feet?

Thank you, Brian. That I hadn't even thought of. That's fucking funny, man. Brian, you know what? You're in. You're into this. I'm in. We're bringing you in. I was just going to make you watch us while we talked about it but I actually think Brian should contribute to this.

Well, I have a lot of thoughts. And I'm starting to see what these other Earwolf people were saying. I know a lot about it. These other Earwolf people were all going like, you've got to have Brian. He's great. And I was like, oh, I'm on to watch me do my thing. And now I'm going, oh, no.

Maybe he should be allowed to sprinkle some stuff in. I like when I'm hearing that he knows about the rules. Yes. Some of this stuff. Yes. Because he knows what you can't do anyway. When I go to Europe, which is every weekend. Love Europe.

I love Europeans. I love every single one of them. The middle of Europe. Yes. That's what here I would never go to the middle. But in Europe I go right to the middle. I ignore the coasts. But they laugh too at the idea that this is football.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I've done PowerPoints. I've done different presentations of a way that I could change up the game. Wow. I just thought of now taking the foot out of it. So you're really smart about this stuff. I am very smart. Wow. I'm very up the game. Wow. I just thought of now taking the foot out of it. So you're really smart about this stuff. I am very smart.

Wow. I'm very, very smart. And I would, I don't know. I feel like, fuck handball. Yeah. Call it that. I love that you're so smart. Fuck handball?

That you're so smart and you're like, fucking didn't go to school. That's like me. Yeah. Well, I did go to Harvard, I guess. And all my rich cronies are the people who gave me all my opportunities. Yeah. So I guess that's the opposite of not going to school. Yeah. Well, I did go to Harvard, I guess, and all my rich cronies are the people who gave me all my opportunities. Yeah. So I guess that's the opposite of not going to school. Yeah, I guess I went to Harvard and all my opportunities came from my rich cronies, and I just could have done anything, but instead I'm just jerking off in Hollywood.

And I did Second City, which is a kind of huge college. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Hayes went to Second City. So wait, you're a comedian? I think Second City's bullshit because they pay their performers. We are working on that. Do they really? Is that a real thing?

We are working on doing the models of some of these other places that don't do that stuff. Because you can actually get rich not paying people. You know what? Believe me, I learned that when I ran Jordache. I didn't pay anybody. Is there any history of that? Unpaid labor? Yeah.

So, yes, we are learning about this over at Second City. Because this is my idea for our NFL, which we should come up with a name for it. Thank you. Which is that you wanted to call it Fuck Handball. Yeah. That's on the board. What about just Fuckball? That's pinned at the top.

So do we want to call it something? Second City the top. So do we want to call it something? Second City could be cool. Do we want to call it something? And then do we want to not pay these guys? Because these rich crybabies with all their millions are now ruining my country. Well, I think one of the teams could be – all the teams have to have a city. So one of the teams should be the second city short formers. Oh, that's great.

They do short form. And then you could cut the halftime show because I think the players should have to do the halftime show and they should be doing short form. Yes. I would love to see. You know what I mean? Yes. Can I talk about the NFL and how barbaric it is?

Yeah. And can we say for a second that in our league, we're going to have a gentleman's agreement that if it seems like I'm going to tackle you, you just say, hey, I'm tackled. Or you just stop right in front of that person so you run at full speed. And then when you're about to tackle, you just halt. And then that person falls

to the ground on their own. That's right. And you announce yourself as you're coming. You're not just trying to sneak up on them. Is there a TV tag version of this? Do you guys ever play TV tag as a kid? Hell yeah, baby. That could be fun.

Hell yes, because that sort of weaves in some other stuff that people like. You have a Brady Bunch. And a skill for players could be like, oh, the frigging Smurfs. And then you can't tackle them. Is there a TV tag version of the NFL? And I think all this like running up on guys, I think there should be at least one guy who gets to just run around wherever he wants with the ball. And no one is trying to surprise him or stop him or anything. And he can't stop running the whole game. And honestly, I think this is my idea for this whole week.

It's my team. I own the team. So it should probably be me. Oh, yeah. It's just only fair. You know team. So it should probably be me. Oh, yeah. It's just only fair. You know who I think it should be? Conk Kaepernick. Okay.

Yeah. That would be... Okay. So that would be a good way to advertise our league. That we are hiring him. But to do something separate. To do something else.

And we'll be punishing him sometimes as well. To make everyone happy, we are giving him a job, but we're forcing him to run all the time. Yes, we have to run all the time. He has to run all the time. Even when he's really tired. He's not part of the game, and he's in trouble. Yes, and we're yelling at him and mad at him for the stuff.

Yeah. That's a good solution. That will get everyone from the NFL over to our side. Because we're paying him, and also giving him punishment. It does. It's giving everyone. It's satisfying all parties. That's what we want with this league is everyone loves it.

By the way, let's solve the easiest problem first. All this hullabaloo about the national anthem, which kind of fucking sucks anyway. It's impossible to sing. Let's not worry about who's standing, which kind of fucking sucks anyway. It's impossible to sing. Let's not worry about who's standing, who's sitting. Let's just pick a song that gets everybody on their fucking feet. Roar by Katy Perry. Yes. You know what I mean?

That's good. You play that shit, and it's not going to be a question of who's sitting or who's protesting. It's just going to be like fucking butts bopping around, people feeling empowered. Oh, by the way, Katie might like that. And then maybe she comes to a game and starts throwing the ball. If we could think of, yeah, actually if Katie might like to hear her song every once in a while instead of the national anthem guy. People don't think about this stuff.

You know, the NFL has never. People don't think about this stuff. I love, you know, the NFL has never thought like, would Katie like this? And I think that that is a distinctive, you know what I mean? Because she is empowering

and she takes shit from, I hate saying that word. She takes it from no one. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No, and I actually have asked her

how many fucks she gives. Yeah. Yeah. And it's low. She looked in her pockets. She did this very dramatic thing. Did she cut her hair while she was staring at you saying she gives no fucks? Yeah.

She was looking in her hair for fucks. She was cutting her hair to see if there were any fucks in there, and she found none. Yeah. That's what she said. Yeah. She also empowers young women, but I don't know that there should be any in the league. I'm not sure. Do we want to mix stuff? so this is another good question we do want everyone to like this and be uh happy with

us so we should put women in the league so maybe we should put women in the league uh but you can't tell which ones they are yeah if everyone has to wear like a robe right like you know you guys are good with this yeah yeah you and Aaron like you and Aaron are good at helping us maybe not get in trouble with this thing. Which we have been not doing great at. Okay. Well, the first thing you need to do is ignore that I brought it up. Oh, okay. Maybe I shouldn't have.

But we got to do something about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's face it. There's women. Yeah. Yeah. They make up more than 50% of the population. And we want this do something about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would say – Let's face it. There's women. Yeah. Yeah. They make up more than 50% of the population. And we want this league to embrace that.

Embrace that fact. Well, Katy Perry is a good start. Make up numbers, you know. Right. I think Katy Perry is a good start. Everyone likes her. That's good. And I think –

Sorry, really quickly, just – See, and that's – you just interrupted me. Unlike – shut up. So unlike your show people actually get their news from our show a little bit so we can't we're not as free to just make up a number as you are oh i see yeah people are coming here to get their news i see so and this is big news about a big new league a lot of people are going to be sharing this clicking this we hope and so we don't want to yes so we don't want a fake number here

what we want is just the truth and so now you can stop shutting up I'm gonna be quiet no stop oh stop being quiet

and then you can say what you want to say but just do it keeping in mind oh let's follow the rules a little okay so does that part air

the part you just said to me that's the most important oh yeah that's the that's the teaser. And we'll put a little musical track under it of kind of threatening music.

All right. So are we still doing helmets now that we're not tackling? I feel like yes. But what I was going to say is it's a genderless league because everyone's dressed like a giant robot. What are the Pacific Rim? A kaiju? Everyone's dressed as a kaiju.

Everyone's a kaiju. Yeah. And at that point, it doesn't matter, male, female, and then you would know the term for whatever else, but it's just,

who gives a shit? But all the kaiju should have parts. Oh, yeah. They should be very sexualized. Yeah. But it doesn't have to match the person. It could be a guy dressed in a kaiju who's got like, you know, sweet pieces. I'm going to be honest.

No one fucking knows kaiju. Okay? Like that movie was a huge disappointment to everybody. Brian, they're doing another one, Brian. They're not really. There's a second one. The numbers bear it out. Is it going to be called Chappie?

Yes. Big Chappie. Giant Chappie come out of the ocean. Are they going to be called Chappie? Yes. Big Chappie. Giant Chappie come out of the ocean. Are they going to make another Alien Covenant? And now just throwing this out. You find out at the end that it's another alien. I don't know if this works in the league or not. Chappie Gilmore.

I don't know what we do with it. Oh, I think it works. That's another something. That might be part of the league. Yeah, we can definitely do something with it. That's like a halftime show at least. Yeah, baby. Get Sandler in there, you know?

I think he'd love it. If Katy Perry's doing it, she should probably be allowed. We know she loves basketball from the video. From the... Swish, swish, swish. From the swish, swish, swish video.

Oh, that's right. Yes. And so she should probably be doing funny basketball during the game. Everyone else is playing our game. She's doing comedy basketball. And bringing up...

And I have to say, she is so good did you ever see that video where she wears those braces yes so I wanted Earwolf to do that podcast and she just wears braces

she's another she's Buster Keaton like another one of these Couric types I don't know who that is but she's like Charlie Chaplin yes if we get her

and Nicki Minaj to both be doing goofy awkward girl teen girl characters yes all of a sudden I'm watching funny basketball almost as much as I'm watching the fuckball league.

I do want to say, though, like I know that... Right. You know? Yes. So, like, that's cool. Is that okay to call it fuckball? It's Brian's idea. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll have my attorneys outside and my publicist and my agent and my manager and all my different – my team, my squad. They can draw something up. They can draw up the papers. Yeah. Who else at Earwolf has your publicist? Let's talk about who at Earwolf uses a publicist. I think me, Katie. Yeah, sure.

She got it. What's the other? Gilbert Gottfried. Yes. Oh, Katie. Yeah, sure. Yeah. You got it. What's the other? Gilbert Gottfried. Yes. Matt Lauer. Okay. Wow. I don't think of him as a near-wolf personality.

That's your loss. Charlie Rose. Dan Quayle. Okay. Yes. Marilyn Quayle. Sure. They should merge their podcast. They refuse. Okay. Yes. Marilyn Quayle. Sure. They should merge their podcast.

They refuse. Okay. I was always wondering what the deal was there. Ted. Bundy. Bundy and Kaczynski. Dream team. Mark.

Yep. I mean, together they are. Either one of them can be a little much. They balance each other out in a nice way. Is Jeffrey Dahmer still alive? That's a real question. Don't think so. Let me check.

Don't think so. Let me just set it. I believe he was killed. Well, you mean, well, he wasn't killed. Killed? I think he got killed. He got murdered? I think he got murdered. Is that true? I just texted our mutual friend and he said that, yes think he got killed in prison. He got murdered? I think he got murdered in prison.

Is that true? I just texted our mutual friend, and he said that yes, he was killed in prison. I believe he got murdered. Well, that's too bad. Well, he lives on through his stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your legacy going to be? You die when the last person utters your name.

That's when you really die. So you're keeping him alive. I mean, you're carrying his flame. I don't want that responsibility. I feel like I shouldn't. You just did it. I'm not laying it on you. You fucking said his name. I don't like that language.

I don't appreciate being called a dommer man. A dommer man. I don't appreciate being called a merman. A dommer. A merman. I don't appreciate being called a merman. A dominatrix. Certainly.

So we were talking about the football game. All these guys are running around. We need a new ball. Anybody else agree with a ton of what Ted Kaczynski was saying?

Kevin, just come and go. He did. Kevin! You just come and go. He did. Kevin! You just come and leave? Kevin, we're doing a new football league, so yeah, we might need a friggin' intern or something. Yes, the Ted Kaczynski stuff, yeah. Well, we're living in the universe

that he predicted right now. Mm-hmm. With the computers. With how the football and computers are doing. Please don't turn my volume way up. I'm sorry. So aggressive. You're a nasty kid today.

I turned everyone's off. What? You're being a freak. He's being a fucking stinker. And after what we did for you. Thank you very much. On my show, we were big on anti-bullying, so I don't

like this. I agree that Kevin asked for it, but I don't like the bullying. And what are the numbers on being called a stinker and what that does to you later in life? It's approximately 30%. 30%? Yeah. End up working for

Dial, Ivory, all the soap companies because they rebel against it so hard. Against stinking. Yeah. Yeah. And it makes you smell. Soap makes you smell good. The war on stinking in this country. So, Brian, well, maybe when you hear this, you'll change your tune about it.

Stop fucking with this shit. Because now I can't hear out of one ear. It's doing something to mine. I know. I'm not even plugged into that ear it's doing something to mine I'm not even plugged into that one what are you doing I'm really sorry just don't touch it

why do you even need to hear yourself okay I'll take mine off yeah man and do not put it near and I agree

you know what this would be great for the football league I feel like the beginning should just be someone listing all the rules of the game.

Do this, do not do this. Do this, do not do this. Because they never say what's happening. And in those games, in the NFL games, they keep breaking the rules. And it's like, well, maybe if you said beforehand what we were even supposed to do. Exactly.

They're getting in trouble all the time on the field. And I'm not really thrilled with watching people getting in trouble all the time on the field and I'm not really thrilled with watching people get in trouble and it's also like what happens when you get in trouble is they just go like go stand over there and do it again that's crazy

that's what they say except stand a few feet further back or whatever it gives them more room to run up and get momentum and break the rules. And do even bigger trouble. Yeah. So to me, it's like, let's give these guys a frigging, a little whack on the can never hurt anybody. Let's give them a paddling.

Yes. Oh, yeah. Let's bop them on the- What's the can in this situation? The whack on the can? The tushy. Your can, your keister, baby. The tushy.

Oh, sure. Sure, babe. Come on, babe. Yeah Your can, your keister, baby. Oh, sure, sure, babe. Come on, babe. Let's get real. It's your fucking shag, baby. It's like, yeah, one big paddle. Yeah. There's a huge paddle, and everybody

knows, and you can see it. They introduce it like it's one of the players. That's cute, and you can put a little face on it. That's cute. They throw it out of the tunnel when it's one of the players. That's cute, and you can put a little face on it. Yeah. That's cute. They throw it out of the tunnel when this... Uh-huh. When it's supposed to run out. And they make a screaming noise. The paddle! That's what throws it.

Wah! And then... And then... That should be the climax of the game. Go ahead. Oh, you want the end... The end of the game to be introducing the paddle. Or, well, the climax isn't necessarily the end. Yeah, there's a denouement of the game. Yeah, I think that would be interesting. That would be nice if everyone kind of wound down

and talked about what lessons they learned at the end of the game. Thank you. Some heart moments. I want the classic network TV setup for this game where in the fourth act, I want one character to say they're sorry and I want another character to say, no, I'm sorry. That could be great. No, I was wrong. To learn a lesson.

And if they learn the same lesson in every game, all the better. Because manners are dead. And I feel like what a great opportunity to revise one of the most brutal games in the biz and bring something nice to it. Some manners. Yes. And wool manners. Exactly.

So we're being equal. Has BC culture gone too far? Not far enough. Okay. So I was thinking... Did you say BC culture? Like the comics trip. Yeah, BC.

BC culture. That's what I thought you said. I agree we should have more of the comics trip BC. The clams are money. So what I'm thinking about is if we're not going to use a football, because we all agree that ball is insane and stupid looking, but we do want people to call what we use a football. Do we just make it a free and Frisbee?

Yes. You know what I mean? And then you could put good brands on there. That's so if you write a brand on the football, it's spinning too fast to see. With a Frisbee, you have an overhead shot. You can always see the,

the, the logo on the Frisbee. I mean, that's spinning too, but sometimes if you throw it really badly... Well, you could get one of those sign spinner signs. Yes. And it could just be a sign. That's really... And that varies everything. That's even bigger than a frisbee.

And then you don't even have to throw it, except up in the air you catch it. And what I'm wondering is, do we need players, or do we just put a bunch of signs on the field? And now we're really starting to make some money, and no one's getting hurt. So this is a good point. You're just throwing signs.

With a sign spinner, you have to pay them. You do. Or at least promise them money at some point, and then not give it to them. And they earn a lot. We are overpaid. Yes. But why don't you just rest the signs on the ground? The ground's free.

That's right. And you can then, you just got, what a fucking gift. That is a money, you just have a stadium full of people looking at signs. Looking at the signs. That's great. Cheering for the signs. That's great. And they're like, that's my favorite one.

Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. And it says corn or something. It's like, buy corn. Let's get into the cheerleaders. People know we got to talk about this. Yeah. We've said they're complicit in what's going on in the league.

Yeah. I think they need to be punished. No, not with a big paddle, Brian. I didn't suggest that. But he didn't let you. Yeah. You were about to. Okay, fair enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Minority report. Yeah. I'm going to lay you. Yeah. You were about to. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Minority report.

Yeah. But, yeah, look, I'm here. I'm a precog. You know what I mean? Put me in my double-gilligoo. Is that why you're so wet? Yes. Is that why you're so sticky?

It's because he crawls out of the goo. Yeah. It's maple syrup. Oh, God. Yeah. I smell like breakfast. So what I want to say as a punishment idea for the cheerleaders is maybe they're not allowed in the game for one month.

They're grounded. They're grounded. They're grounded. And if they have good behavior and they're nice, okay, come back in for one week. I feel like they're already so punished. They make $5. Yes. And invest about $100,000.

Yes. So five is too much. Yeah, five is too much. Too much. Yeah. Wow. Well, I think they can keep the $5. Yeah.

For standing outside and think about what that would do to you psychologically. They're grounded with pay. You think about what you've done. Right. And to watch everyone going in and to be able to hear them too going, oh, whoa, the Frisbee's on the sign. You know? Yeah, we should still have the Frisbee resting on one of the signs. For sure.

You need a ball. Yeah. Like some kind of thing. It's a game. It You need a ball. Yeah. Like some kind of thing. It's a game. It's still a game. Yeah. And they're not allowed to dance. No, I think that they should also be doing, I don't know, if we're still thinking about the short form thing, they could be doing that outside the stadium.

They should be doing short form. Thank you. They should be doing party quirks. Should have said they should be doing party quirks. Exactly. Thank you. What is be doing party quirks. Should have said they should be doing party quirks. Exactly. Finish this. What is it? Write a book.

You know that thing where you say a word, then you say a word, then you say a word, and you tell a story? One word story. One word story. Zip, zap, zop. This has been my cause. Yeah, that's just warm-ups. That's not even short form, really. Well, then they should be doing, I mean, cheerleaders warm-up.

Let's do warm-ups, yeah. This has been my cause for a long time is let's bring more women into Who's Line. Who's Line is a sausage fest. Let's get some more women on that stage. That's an old boys club. Or let's get everybody in some anatomically correct kaiju suits regardless of gender. Thank you. And I'm freaking battle it out over a game of New Choice or Hoedown.

Hoedown. That's great. Yeah. Brian, you said earlier that you were talking about us bullying Kevin. Yeah. And I wonder if you should hear something that we did that was very nice and was the opposite of bullying. And maybe Kevin can talk about it. I'd love to hear it.

Sure. So probably for the last year, Sean and Hayes have been calling me a creep because— Actually, what's been happening is you've been coming in here and doing some very creepy behavior. To being a pervert. And I think we'll spare you by not talking about some of the creepy perverted things that you do. Sure, so I take photos, as you know. And I wasn't even going to say it. I wasn't even going to say some of this creepy stuff.

But he's coming in here and he's taking creep shots. He takes dozens of photos without announcing himself. You's coming in here and he's taking creep shots. He takes dozens of photos without announcing himself. You don't know what angle he's doing necessarily. Maybe one photo shows up on the website but you know the other's about somewhere. What happened to all those other photos? That's not the worst question in the world,

Kevin. The gray market. I will side with him on that. Where do the unused photos go? In a folder called unused that gets sent to you guys. So he's getting ready to use them. Unused. For now, it says. It says unused dot dot dot. For now.

He's going to use them up. That's right. So I wasn't even going to mention that. So now we know some of the stuff that Kevin has been up to. We know one thing. So is there anything else uh yeah so they've been calling me you know creep uh like often when i come in like taking creep shots and stuff uh to the point they've called me that so much that if you google my name the

first thing that came up was kevin bartelt creep uh for i guess quite a while this is endemic to the industry yes thank, thank you. These Kevin types. I totally agree. I meant the opposite. And finally, it's a new day and we're starting to expose some of these guys. I think my words have been wildly misinterpreted. I meant it is endemic to the system, Kevin.

If you ever need a way out, do not call me because I am chock-a-block. But I will give you the number.-a-block. Very busy. I go to Starbucks. He's got his own career to protect. I have my own career. I run Barnes & Noble. You don't know each other that well.

No, no, no. In fact, we've barely met. But I would say there is a way out, and I'm sure if you Google it, you can find it, but you should. Yes, I should. Sean and Hayes were really nice last week and said – Oh, yeah. He's been complaining about this shit for like a month.

Yeah. I've been very vocal about my dislike for it. So Sean and Hayes offered the Hollywood Handbook fans to Google Kevin Bartelt MMA so that that becomes the top result. And people are too afraid to mess with me if they see Kevin Bartelt MMA and Kevin Bartelt creep. So creep's still there, but it's now third. Well, I will say, and someone with the signifiers MMA and creep, that is the scariest person

of all. Exactly. Like that, you don't want to go near a creepy- Maybe he's getting a little more respect. MMA shot to the top of the list so that really was effective okay well then i think we're at a net zero here yeah yeah and maybe as part of this league just to keep this brand out here a little bit maybe you are on the field doing some mma among the signs yeah oh yeah oh that's a great idea in a

freaking yeah rear naked choke or something. And the chant could be like sign fight. You know what I mean? Yeah, sign fight. It could be like that sign fight halftime show. And some of them should be chanting Kevin Bartel to MMA just to keep it up there. You would have to go to every single game. How many games are there?

Oh. Wow. And Kevin has stumbled on a really great question. So far we have one team. So to do a game, we do need at least another team. Right now we have the Second City short formers. Yep. And then Kaepernick's city short formers. Yep.

And then Kaepernick's not on a team. No, he's involved. He's not a job. Is the Lakers taken? That's a team, right? Oh, we should do the Lakers because everyone will get people in the seats. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, so we have two teams. So there's one game. But they can't play each other no they're in the same division oh yeah the west coast yeah so I'm thinking of a way we can spell Lakers different

L-A-K-E-R-S L-A-K-E-R-S exclamation point. That's good. So people would be like, oh, this is an even better version of the Lakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually fun. So we have the Lakers.

That's another way to do it. That's another way to do it. No city. It's just an article, yeah. Yes. The Lakers. Los Angeles, the Lakers. Los Angeles, the Lakers.

That's okay. The second city short formers. Los Angeles the Lakers. The Leaky Lees. The Leaky Lees. Just because they're in the same sound area. People don't have to move their mouth too far to say the two team names. That's true.

Yeah, okay. They don't have to take that tongue all the way around the block. And the Leaky Lees, are they from a city? The Leaky Lees? Yeah. Hmm. Maybe they should be from a planet. Okay.

Don't she kind of sound like an alien? Okay. What planet are you from? Like the movie. Maybe I'm leaning Mars. That's what I was thinking too. Okay, great. So the Mars Leaky Lease?

Yeah, the Leaky Lease from Mars. That's good. That's good. Now, Sam, I know you don't have to do it yet, but remember you do have a homework assignment. Well, I just said you don't have to do it yet. Oh, okay. And Kevin, we need at least one more team.

Sure. Four teams that each play each other a thousand times. Do you want one from another planet? No, we just did a planet one. Okay. How about the Kansas City Good Friends? Okay. That's something smart, like from a book, you know,

like to attract some smart people. Okay. The Shakespearean. That's something smart Like from a book You know Like to attract Some smart people Okay The Shakespearean That's good Soldiers How is that good? Well Shakespearean I agree Does like bring in

It just brings in A very educated Yeah I didn't know He was going to do soldiers Please don't tell me You of all people think Shakespeare wrote those plays.

Oh, God, that's right. You know what? This is what I will say. Please don't tell me that you of all people, the champion of equality, doesn't realize that those plays were written by a woman, queen something,

and that she had to disguise it and say that it was Shakespeare because no one would have accepted these great works of art. From the queen. From the fairer sex. Listen, I would be dead without those words. Those words have saved me time and time again.

So I don't care who wrote them. I would literally, I have barely, I have nearly thrown myself off Piers until those words would hit me. I've been on Piers Morgan's show and I've said I'm jumping off it. And then those words wash over me. And then when we come back, you're there and you're calm because your best

friend was there with you. That's right. A little boy in Texas, not in school, but at the arcade or something, reading Shakespeare in the corner just to get through the day at the arcade. That's right. Everyone would get so mad because I would be at Mortal Kombat

and I would crack open those volumes right at the, because it's the perfect height for reading. Yes. And those loser kids behind me would be screaming and yelling and I would say, "'Twas the night before—or whatever." I would say that first, and then I would go into to be or not to be.

You know what I mean? That's me, though. Can I tell you something, Brian? Yeah. You sit here and tell me about Shakespeare, Wordsworth, frigging Robert Blake. I can't learn anything from you that I can't learn from a fucking book unless you want to talk about you. Now, that's interesting. Okay.

Sam, okay. But you have no questions for me. I don't know. I mean. We've been talking a long time. We have. Honestly, it's exhausting. And I don't know. I mean. We've been talking a long time. We have. Honestly, it's exhausting. And I don't know how Robert Blake got into this.

I'm like cooked. I'm like done. I am like totally done today. So now this is the good time. I just need to get in a tanning bed and just fucking zone out for a couple hours because I am done. The assignment was Sean was ending the leftovers as an institution.

Looking back, I really don't know why I did that. And he needed one smart, cool line to say goodbye to the leftovers. With this amount of distance, I do not know why I did that. You would say, are you the host of Dirty Jobs?

Because I'm about to micro-wave your leftovers. Oh. Okay. Do you want the alternate? It's a pretty long walk. You would say, are you the remaining members of

TLC? Because your left is over. Like Lisa Left Eye. Yeah, she did. I'd say, are you the remaining members of TLC? Because your left is over. She passed. Like Lisa left eye? Left eye. Yeah, she passed. Yeah, she did. She passed. I also wrote, bend over, leftover.

This is... Boy. No leftovers for me. I'm a hungry man winner. Oh, yeah. I like that one. Like instead of dinner. Oh, a hungry man winner. Oh, yeah. I like that one. Like instead of dinner. Oh, a hungry man winner.

Oh, okay. And I would say, or my last one, I would say, prepare to be scared because I'm going to take you to the last house on the left over. Oh. I like that too. Okay. So the first one is very good. The first one's very good. The first one's excellent.

Thank you. And then the rest also you read. Yeah. They're on the same page. The last one is too scary. People don't want to get scared. Thank you. Yes, and thank you for leaning into our brand.

It's too much of a shock. It is too scary, and it feels like we're promoting last podcast on the left, which I am not here to promote. They are not part of the Earwolf family. What network are they in? Independent, probably. They do their own thing. Smart.

Financially, much better decision. Oh, yeah. Now I feel like we're praising them. Please listen to Last Podcast on the left. Get in there. They'll tell you what really happened with Courtney Love. Because Mike Rowe hosted. Bye.

Bye. Earwolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.