Hollywood Handbook - Carl Calls His Cousin #94: I Need That Green Light

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

Enjoy this un-paywalled episode of Carl Calls His Cousin!Carl and Ahsohn discuss a new show, the Billboard’s top artists of all time, and write a Bruno Mars song.Watch the video of this recording here!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Yeah, it's a great chat show. They discuss pop culture news, what happened in their week, comedy, stories from their childhood, and much, much more. This one we're releasing today is one of our favorite episodes that we've recorded, period. It is amazing. Also, if you'd like to watch the video of this recording, the link for that is in the description. So check out all the shows we're doing over on the Patreon at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones and enjoy the show. Is that the tattoo shop you go to?

Woodhill Tattoo? Yeah. It is. Give them a promotion on the show. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Carl Calls His Cousin. If you're looking to get a tattoo, any kind of new tattoo work done, any kind of ink, you need to head on over to Foothill Tattoo in the sunny city of Rialto, California.

Exit Baseline off of the 210 10 freeway headed East bound. We'll see you there. Go see Brad. Go see Trey. Go say, go see Steven. I think go see, um,

there's one other person, but I can't remember the name. Go check out, get all your tattoo work done at foothill tattoo, Rialto, California foothill tattoo on Instagram. Okay. That was a great take.

Kevin, delete all that because they're not paying us but uh that was a great take we're gonna do it one more time this time i need a little bit more energy put a little mustard on it okay imagine it's a hot dog. Imagine what? Put a little mustard on it this time. Wait. So in that, what is the hot dog in that illustration? The ad.

The hot dog is the ad. Of course. Imagine it's a hot dog. Put a little mustard on it okay i'm gonna throw to you in three two what's going on jive turkeys and jive turcats okay i'm gonna stop you right there seeing as today is thanksgiving that's offensive to turkeys they're already getting slaughtered today i got a show idea a new adult swim show called jive turkeys and it's about a family of anthropomorphized turkeys who are black all right yeah pitch it to them all right yeah pitch it to him pitch us the show that would be funny i said pitch us the show oh i thought you said pitch them the show like who's them i'll pitch you the show all right the

show is it's a family sitcom starring a family of turkeys and voiced by you know black voice actors and that's it and they are elite and and i guess their goal is uh they live on like a it's like a chicken run type situation where they live on like a turkey farm and they realize that like oh once turkeys reach a certain age they get slaughtered and so they're like maybe they're leading a a a revolt against the the slaughterhouse or something or like trying to get the turkeys to escape or some shit like that i don't know okay now let me ask you something yeah so the premise of this show yeah the the baseline premise of this show is that these turkeys are black now what makes them jive and remind you i'm a white executive why you can't be a black executive because the black executive has walked out of the room now as a white executive i love the idea but i don't know if it's our story to tell.

These, these turkeys. I love the idea of some black turkeys, just the goblin and strutting and goblin. Gobble, gobble y'all. Oh my God. You would sell your people down the river like that. You get,

you get Tracy Morgan to play the father turkey you get tiffany haddish to play the mom turkey you get lil rel to play like the the the uncle that the brother of like the father of the tracy morgan character who like he's around because like he he has like a good relationship with the kids but he can't stand uh he can't stand his brother and they always they always bump heads and stuff like that get tired of your shit uh tracy morgan get tired you know turkey morgan turkey morgan little rel turk in the adage little rel poultry this is so offensive offensive i don't have no lokes in here dang uh jive turkeys and it probably would be funny written well but it's like it has to have

a better story than just all right this show's called jive turkeys and they're anthropomorphic turkeys and they're black all right y'all i'm gonna pack up my briefcase that's the pitch back in my briefcase put my yellow legal pad back in my briefcase i'll tell you who's nutting right now the the troll that i that comes on my instagram that says that my comedy's low IQ. He's like, yes, that is what you do. I can't wait to isolate this clip. I'm going to jack off to this. Yeah, Jive Turkeys. So Billboard came out with their number one list.

Oh, Shooky Shooky now. Did you see one list oh shooky shooky now did you see that yeah sookie sookie now whichever did you see that meme where somebody was like black people what a sookie sookie now what is this what is sookie sookie now kevin kevin have you carl called asan calls his kevin on behalf of carl uh kevin have you ever heard all sookie sookie now before i can't say i have so kevin let me paint the picture for you so you nine years old right great and you go into a family wedding this is the first time you didn't met your cousins from from tallahassee right cool and everybody's feeling good you know it's the 90s you in your little suit you know you dress like one of the groomsmen with your big cufflinks and and you come down you come down the stairs after after your auntie help you put

your bow tie your clip-on bow tie on you come down the stairs of the house and all your aunties uh like the aunties you know and then 20 other people you've never met before in your whole life go oh sucky sucky now Sookie, Sookie now. That's the greatest feeling in the world. You're like, I'm fly. Yeah. When you got that, that used to embarrass the shit out of me. Like on Easter.

Okay, now. If I was 30 years younger. Yeah. You're my auntie. Exactly. So what are you going to do if you're 30 years younger? Auntie, You're my auntie. Exactly. So what are you going to do if you're 30 years younger? Auntie, you're going to fuck me? The music cuts off.

Yeah. That's what happens in the FX autobiographical show about Carl's life. Uh-huh. Carl's Dave episode. in the fx autobiographical uh show about carl's life carl's dave episode i got called lover boy a lot when i was like a toddler like when i would go to i was a ring bearer at my aunt's wedding and i like came down the stairs had my hair slicked and everything and everyone was like okay lover boy lover boy i just saw a meme the other day that was like it was the the picture of will smith in the last episode of french prince been in the living room by himself with no furniture and it was like uh me and all the women i was told i was gonna have to fight off when i was grown because i was handsome like

you might have to fight them off you when you get grown. Okay. Heartbreaker. Yeah, man. All sookie sookie. Now is 1970s colloquial expression. So you see,

you know, has his source in the 19th century turns. Sookie jump. Sookie jumps is a long, obsolete 19th century, early 20th century, African-American English referent for the country dance gatherings for black folks and the fast-paced dance music that was performed at those gathering those dance gatherings were named sookie jumps as a reference to black women

sookies who would be enthusiastically dancing jumping all around the phrase ah sookie sookie could have evolved over a period of time from men's appreciation of the attractive females, the Sookies they saw. Look here, Sookie, let me holler at you. Yeah, I'm Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Sookie! Oh, Sookie, Sookie. The phrase, I'm Sookie, Sookie, now comes from the phrase Sooka, Sooka, which derives from the French word for sugar. Sucre.

Sookra. Sookie, Sookie means sweet, sweet. Men seeing sexy, physically attractive female might exclaim sweet, sweet. Sookole people sookie sookie means sweet sweet men seeing sexy physically attractive female might exclaim sweet sweet sookie sookie oh okay that makes sense i believe that one yeah that sounds believable yeah either way it's some you know fellas sexualizing some women you know yeah objectification objectification every every term derives from that what are you talking about it's french for sugar the billboard list all right let's get coming in at number one the beetles i mean are they not madonna now all right this is from this year madonna

this is of all time right of all time the top 10 greatest artists of all time number one wait hold on so the beatles one and madonna is two is two. Is two. Elton John, three. Elvis Presley, four. Mariah Carey, five. Stacey Wonder, six. Janet Jackson, seven. This is after a Zahn's commercial for the tattoo shop. Michael Jackson, eight. this is after this is after asan's commercial for the tattoo shop michael jackson i wow whitney hayston nine ten rihanna mj is eight no behind janet no kanye no kanye no drake um that's a wild list yeah

i know madonna was like huge at the time and still is you know kind of popular but i don't think she has the staying power as everyone else bro mar, Mariah Carey is five over Michael Jackson. What? I'm blinded by the light. Wait, this can't be right. Because the weekend should be on there. Blinded by the light is the new number one. It's like the biggest song of all time.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Drake should be on there. Kanye should be on there the weekend should be on there so this now this one on the actual billboard website says number one the vatals number two the rolling stones number three elton j. Number four, Mariah Carey. She moved up. Number five, Madonna. Madonna. Madonna.

Number six. Number six, Barbra Streisand. Nine, Stacey Wonder. Ten, Chicago. 9. Stacey Wonder. 10. Chicago. 9. Stacey Wonder. 11.

Whitney Houston. 12. Paul McCartney. 13. Elvis Presley. 12. Paul McCartney. 13.

Elvis Presley. 14. Janet Jackson. 15. Rod Stewart. This should be the show. Just every episode we update this list. This is my who charted

number five number five yeah number five i like that shit that makes me laugh every time he does hell yeah brett be like number five and how it goes in number five that shit makes me laugh every time i like have a summer number five hey carl you want to see my cell phone collection cell phone collection he has a bunch of old cell phones howard kramer howard's the best yeah he's funny uh this list is crazy yeah all of that is nuts beyonce is not on any either of them yeah she's not beyonce is not even not even in the top 30 beyonce is at 30 37 that's crazy behind guess who's at 36 if beyonce is at 37 guess who's at 36 and this list is crazy

you're not going to be able to guess but just kelly roland kelly roland let's hope you're lucky k michelle um 36 uh share adele adele's at 36 wow it's adele then beyonce Yeah and then Eric Clapton Gosh this list is insane Jay Z's 50 Eric Clappin would be a good Porn name Eric Clappin Eric Clappin

Cause he claps cheeks Carl gets it Number 63 The jacksons the jacksons are 63 yeah number 64 what a wild wind and fire how does it ever say like how they rank this or like what is it based on i don't know it has to be based on album sales but i thought thriller was higher yeah let me click the info isn't um explain themselves isn't like the that k-pop band bts like the biggest band in the world too i wonder if they're on there at all i mean that would technically i will say as much as i hate like uh as much as i hate like old head shit it is like it's different it's different with screaming yep it's different with screaming so i like it's hard to like music stretches share is 109 wow i don't get how

this list is one number is drake drake drake is number 16 16 yeah guess who's after him um the weekend no prince oh wow sorry prince number 18 is rihanna i don't know how this list works i don't understand what's going on let me try to google some news so rihanna is lower than news so drake is higher than prince but rihanna is lower than drake i guess take it easy on me babe uh i don't know any of these. Oh, wow. The Hot 100 right now is weak to me. Yeah, there's not a lot of good music out right now.

All Too Well is number one. Taylor Swift. Easy on me is number two, which I do like that song. Stay by the Kid LAROI. I don't know that song. Industry, baby. That's cool, I guess. And Smoking Out the Window, which I don't care for. Man, I don't know what that's on. Industry, baby. That's cool, I guess. And smoking out the window, which I don't care for.

Man, I don't want to. If I never hear them again, I'm straight. You don't like Sucksonic? You don't like Sucksonic? No. No, I don't. I didn't like when Bruno Mars was doing New Jack Swing, and I definitely don't like them doing the 70s nah bro i gotta be honest i wore that new jack swing album out uh-huh i wore that shit out i loved it i loved it but it was so

like also they could have been sued by so many groups unless they got those samples cleared because there were songs in it that were straight up ripoffs yeah like it just seems like um to me it's like of course you can do a perfect new jack swing album like you have 40 years of retrospect and like you know uh you know two generations three generations worth of like talent and stuff you know i'm saying like improved upon an evolution of music and you know of course you can make a perfect new jack swing album you're not doing anything innovative you know what i'm saying like there's something very interesting about bruno mars to me because he's such a star but i also every time I think about him, I think, how is he such a star? You know what I mean?

Because he's super talented. I get it. Yeah. But there's something about him that just don't, like, when I was listening to that album, I just wish that so many other artists were doing those songs. Yeah. So many other people that I think are cool. See, I think Anderson.Paak is cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have loved to have seen miguel sing dripping in finesse yes here's here's here's what i'm gonna say bruno mars is like the greatest wedding band singer in history yes that's what he feels like to me yeah that's what he feels like to me i don't quite he just don't quite but i do like a lot of the song like i said i wore that album out it's like if you told me every buno if you told me every bruno mars song is a cover i would believe you like yeah it's just like who is bruno mars and that's the thing that like kind of rubs me the wrong way about like how he went from like bruno mars singing i'll catch a grenade for you and even back to like i want to be a billionaire when he was in his like like you know um ukulele bag like the fact that he's able to like reinvent himself into like this all right now i'm gonna

be this new jack swing guy who's a live band in the horn section and then oh now all of a sudden i'm gonna become this 70s guy like when you when you do too drastic of changes like that it's like well who is bruno mars the artist yeah like yeah what do you do what because right now you're just stealing from people yeah uh you know yeah it's like buzz killington yeah i mean i guess you good at the guitar too all right two years ago two years ago we had the option to go to his concert for new year uh-huh and we were like you know gonna get dressed up put on our 24 karat magic outfits and stuff and go your red suit yeah and i but then i was like, hey, guys, is this going to be fun? Who's going to be at this thing?

What is the demographic of people that are going to be there? Who goes to Bruno Mars shows? Yeah. Who goes to the show? Do the girls like him? Because I never hear about girls talking about Bruno Mars. To me, Bruno Mars is like, I feel like his core demographic is like girls like 16 and under and like women 45 and up. Like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, like who we're trying to get their young daughter hooked up with him. Exactly. I want you to meet my daughter. Right. Yeah. Michelle, come here. Mom, I'm married it's bruno mars i but i did like that album but it like also like even when i hear like 24 karat magic or uh uptown funk it's like the lyrics you're like putting together where he's like i'm wearing

cuban links designer minks inglewood's finest, I'm wearing Cuban links, designer minks, Inglewood's finest shoes. And I'm like, nobody, who goes to, like, since when is Inglewood a place where you go to get? Hey, Jack, I done got my suit pressed. What is a black city? What is a black city? Inglewood. Inglewood, Jack.

Go on Inglewood. Listen here, Jack. Listen here, Jack. I done got my suit pressed. I done got my hair cut. Now, you know I had to go right on the shoes. Where'd you go get them? Inglewood, Jack.

Inglewood, Jack. I went on La Brea in Manchester, baby. And found the finest faux leather. Hard bottoms. Yeah. What? I went to get some Stacey Adams in Inglewood. You know, you got to go to Inglewood to get the Stacey Adams. You go anywhere to get some stacy adams in inglewood you know you got to go to inglewood to get the stacy adams like you go anywhere to get stacy adams you go to off broadway on sunset

to get stacy adams you drove really far out of the way to get these stacy adams inglewood's inglewood's finest shoes we used to joke about that too he's just like randomly saying like phrases that like cool jack yeah like he's making new jack swing for people who have never heard new jack swing before drinking a milkshake causing an earthquake sitting in the coliseum driving down vermont then i turn on king see the laundromat it's like what are you talking we let bruno mars get off a lot of ridiculous stuff because his band was good yeah he said he said what was that other song gotta put some perm on that attitude yeah you need to relax. I'm like, what?

Or, or, Chunky, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, looking for them girls with the big old hoops. He said hoops. I'm like thinking, hoops?

Hoops, yeah. I drop it down in Daisy Diggs. I like that song a lot, though. That's my song. But it's like, hey man, you know what I like?

A girl with some big old hoop earrings. Yeah. James Fauntleroy wrote on that album. Yeah. Let it's like, hey, man, you know what I like? A girl with some big old hoop earrings. Yeah. James Fauntleroy wrote on that album. Yeah. Let's do some. Kevin, will you pull up some Bruno Mars? Pull up the lyrics to Uptown Funk.

Do. Do. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Homer Simpson singing this opening. Do. Do. This hit that ice cold. Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold.

Got Chucks on with St. Laurent. Caught a police in the fire, man. All right. Go down. Is there another? There's no. Okay, here we go. Oh, yeah. So this is the other one right to harlem hollywood jackson mississippi what why would you do that that's a wild trip

that's making a triangle all right so we were going to new york right then we go here hollywood and on the way back we're gonna hit jack Mississippi. Why? Why are you going there? You wanna see the state capitol? What are you gonna... You wanna see the state capitol? Make a dragon wanna retire. What does that mean? Oh, so hot? Because he's so hot that he makes a

you guys, I can't compete with these young guys. Effective today, I will be retiring from the Dragons. Is the first thing people think about when they think of Dragons is breathing fire? I do. Yeah. Oh, okay. I won't hold him on that then.

Can you look up public domain funk song? We're looking for a Bruno Mars type beat. Next one. That's getting closer. Now, too fast. That sounds like a song that's on MLB The Show. God, these beats are terrible. We can do it to this.

All right, that's the one. I think this is the one. What do you think, Asan? Yeah, I think we can go with this one. Yeah. Okay. Turn it down. Now, I think...

Yeah, it's blues. It's just doing a one, four, and five. Stop at the stop sign. That's the first lyric. We'll go lyric for lyric. Kevin, will you type these out so we can record, so we can sing the whole thing at the end? Yeah.

All right, that's the first lyric. Now you go. You said stop red light? Stop at the stop sign. Stop at the stop sign. Stop at the stop sign. Stop at the stop sign. Sing rap. Stop at the stop sign.

Girl, you got to stop playing with my heart. I had to stop at the stop sign because with 72 Chevy won't start. Stop at the stop sign because my 72 Chevy won't start. Stop at the stop sign. What was the second line? Sorry. Stop playing with my heart. Yeah, you got to stop playing with my heart. I was forced to stop at the stop sign

because my 72 Chevy won't start. And now I think it's time to describe what he's wearing. Yeah, exactly. My 72 won't start. I got... Yeah. My 72 Chevy won't start.

Satin pants. Satin pants. Versace shirt. And then you pick a black a small black city Mobile Alabama shoes satin pants Versace shirt

Mobile Alabama shoes Mobile Alabama sandals no Pensacola Florida socks Dayton Ohio slides yeah let's say Dayton Ohio slides that's the final so what we got

so far stop at the stop sign Dayton, Ohio slides. That's the final. So what we got so far? Stop at the stop sign. Here, I'll try to find it. Yeah, sing it for us, Kevin. What we got so far. Play the music and sing it for us. Can you play that back for us, Kevin?

Kevin, can you sing it, please? You in this too, Kevin. Yeah. Stop at the stop sign. You got gotta stop playing with my heart i was forced to stop at the stop sign because the 72 chevy won't start i got satin pants versace shirt dating ohio slides okay girl on my left girl on my right yeah and we all watching father of the bride oh shucks. Oh, shucks. You said girl on my left and girl on my right. We're all watching Father of the Bride. And we're all watching Father of the Bride.

Oh, shucks. And then we say, oh, sookie, sookie now. Oh, sookie, sookie now. I got a parking ticket because my car won't stop. Oh, damn. What did you say?

I got a parking ticket. I got a parking ticket because my car won't stop. Now you got to pick a Latin American man's name that's your homie and you only say his first name. Like Julio, get the stretch. You got to do one of those. What did you say? What did you say? My parking ticket what?

I got a, I got a parking ticket because my car won't start. Oh, damn. Julio. Yeah. You guys at Hector. Yeah.

Felicio. Get the truck. Yeah. Pick us up. What we got so far. Yeah. Kevin, can you sing that back to us, please? Yeah. Can you, can you sing that back to us please yeah can you

can you sing that back so this is how so people who are not familiar with the music industry this is how it works the artist goes into the booth and it listens to the beat and then they write the song and then they ask the recording engineer hey can you sing that to me so I hear how it sounds? So if you try to be an aspiring audio engineer in the music industry, you should go take vocal lessons. Stop at the stop sign. You got to stop playing with my heart. I was forced to stop at the stop sign Cause my 72 Chevy won't start I got satin pants, Versace shirt

Dayton Ohio slides Girl on my left, girl on my right And we're all watching Father of the Bride Oh, sucky sucky now I got a parking ticket Cause my car won't start Ah, damn Benicio, Get the truck

Pick us up Alright now Now we need the hook Now we need the hook Now we need the hook Benicio Get the truck Benicio

Get the truck Pick us up That's the group part So we'll sing that with you Pick us up that's that's the group part so we'll sing that with you stop getting i got the hook all right pick us up i need that green light yeah when you're trying to give me red yeah i need that green light when you're giving me but you're giving me the red I pulled out the meat but you wouldn't give me no

oh yeah you gotta edit it out yeah it can't be too risque yeah oh this has got we got a hit

what time is it it's 33 minutes 1248 33 minutes okay it is some stuff to cut out like that snot rocket i just shot in my trash cut that out all right well we'll we'll we'll come back with this song in part two good night that was a hate gun podcast