Hollywood Handbook - Cartoons, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: January 11, 2016

Sean is joined by ghostsmasher NEIL CASEY, acclaimed voice actor BEN RODGERS, and good drawer DOMINIC DIERKES to workshop scenes from a new animated movie and address topics such as capital punishment and processed food.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. from that Showtime show, whatever that was called. The one where he was a therapist or whatever, Huff or something. Anyway, we're crashing this little house party that we heard going on in Cusco, Peru over by San Blas Plaza near that bakery that the nuns run with the powdered sugar on the empanadas. And I walk in. I go, we're in Peru, so I make a little joke. I go, if you'll excuse me, I got to take a pisco sour. Go out, I pretend to pee behind a car.

When I come back in, I go, don't call it a comeback. I'm looking for beers. Because I wanted them to hand me a brew. Anyway, Platt loses it. Hank, I think, didn't get it. He didn't get it? Yeah. And then a lot of the other people didn't speak in English.

So, welcome to Hollywood Hamburger. Thank you. I don't care. That's great. I don't care. Well, if it is it is. Well, if it is, great. But if it's not, whatever. You know, it's interesting at least because I'm trying something new. Right. The real crime is being boring.

Yes. Yes. The crime actually and the only crime I think that should get you life in prison or the death penalty in this country is to be boring and to be predictable. Yeah. I'm anti-death penalty, except in that circumstance. You do have to prove it. And in Scotland, they actually don't say guilty or not guilty. The jury finds you're either guilty or not proven.

Oh, that's better. Oh, yes. It's tasteful. Yeah, it doesn't. Because that's what we're talking about. I think the problem the juries have in their head is they have to say this person is not guilty of being boring. And it's like, well, I don't know if he is or not, but you certainly didn't prove it. And that's sort of why we wind up in these situations with some of these documentaries.

They free these criminals. Remember Serial? Have you seen The Stairway? Oh, yes. The Stairway, yes. With the Led Zeppelin documentary. I couldn't believe what they were showing me. That really shot my face.

The criminal justice system. I was like, wow. I was like, no way. Are you kidding? Yeah. These guys? Yeah. I don't know.

Well, speaking of which, it might get loud. We're doing a Hollywood handbook. And it's an insider's guide to kicking a butt drop and naming the red carpet line packing industry some we call showbiz. So if you're here, you're listening, and if you're listening, you're having fun because we're doing a podcast, and you've heard it before. Hayes is out of town. We're going to call him.

But first off, we're doing a big show, and please believe that it does have a big slate of guests. Whose voices am I hearing, you're wondering? Well, three people who shouldn't go to jail for being guilty by unreasonable doubt of being boring. It's the snail man, Neil Casey. Yeah. You've called me snail man for a couple years. Uh-huh. Yeah.

I was eating at the Little Escout Grgot they have at La Pubelle. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you sat down, you ate one. Mm-hmm. And then I told you what it was, and you made a really dramatic sort of cough and gag and stomp around the restaurant. Pooey. Yeah. That lasted a long time.

A gluck. Yeah. And I knew what it was before I ate it as well. Yeah, I figured because you said are those escargot! Yeah. And I knew what it was before I ate it as well. Yeah, I figured because you said, are those escargot? Yeah. We got the Bang Raj Man, Mr. Actor Extraordinaire, Mr. Everybody, Man of 2001, Voices and Faces. Ooh, thank you very much. Hey, wait a minute.

How did Elvis get in here? Oh, hey, it's just the Raj man coming at you. You fucker. Okay. Gotta keep you on your toes, folks. Okay, and I think that was Porky Pig. So then here comes, and it's Dominic. Hey.

Yeah, and he's my assistant. So one thing we're going to be talking about today is cartoon movies. Why are they so big and where's all this money coming from and how come I want to get some and I'm going to with all my friends? So cartoon movies can make money because they can be seen by people from every age Do you think about that? Yeah, well the young people see them with the older people sometimes When they both go together

A lot of the people, a lot of young kids who come see these movies Would have no idea how to get to the movie theater No, they need the older people to go with them They can't, and you can entertain both people. Even though they are growing up faster because of phones, I do think that actually they still can't get to the movies.

And they're broke. Yeah. Because they spend all their money on phones, technology. Yeah. Even if they're taking public transportation, they're going to be talking about the movie on the ride. And they're going to get somebody on that bus to go with them. And they'll probably miss their stop playing Fruit Ninja or –

Exactly, yeah. Or Snood. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Plants versus zombies. Fun Bucks. Storm the Castle. What's the one with the –

Kate Upton with the big jugs. Oh, I don't know. She's telling you that you could be a hero. What are you talking about? Clash of – You're talking about the one with Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's a game? No, no, no.

It's a game. It's Kate Upton? She's got these mega jugs. Have you seen this broad? Yeah. She's walking in the battlefield and she's saying you could be her hero. And everybody's just, she's just walking around the battlefield solo. Yeah.

She's walking through and people are fighting. Do they stop fighting? Well, she's got heavy hangers coming down and everybody's just doesn't know what to do. I think the real keep fighting. So keep, well, she needs a hero. They don't seem to acknowledge her and I don't even know if they can see her. She's talking to me and they're fighting on their own thing.

Have you guys seen this? She's looking for a hero. Now, I haven't seen the app, but if it's anything like watching those things go up and down inside the sort of outfit she's got going on up top. My God, they're going to sell a billion of these things. It's smart.

It's smart. Oh, gosh. It's the future. Yeah. So, jugs aside, and I don't want to get sidetracked into talking about the frontal torpedoes on this broad. Holy smokes. You said a mouthful, Bangarach, man.

And you're a guy who knows. Yeah. I like to motorboat, and I'm not talking about water sports. Oh, yeah. Careful. Yeah, watch out. Watch Oh, yeah. Careful. Yeah, watch out. Watch out, man. So –

You know, you guys know what I'm talking about. And, you know, and it should be noted, we're all feminists here. That's true. So – Oh, yeah. I am. That goes without saying. Because, yeah, it's her choice.

You know, she's trying to say. Nobody's tricking her into wearing that. She's trying to, like, be appreciated for that. It's not the only thing that you can appreciate about Kate Upton, but she is out there saying, I want to look good today and I want to feel like I look good. Yeah, and that's empowering. How's that a bad message? Looking great is empowering. That's a positive message to look great. And she's full figured and I like that.

Look, the group of men that we're sitting here with, with the possible extreme exception engineer, Brett, all has been granted with a certain part of the anatomy that's generously sort of bestowed upon us. And we're not shy about it. Why should women feel like they have to hide their stuff? Some more generously than others. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's fallen out of the shorts or whatever. So look, I don't want to get sidetracked on all that. But it's important. Feminism is important. It's important. And there's nothing more feminist for me than letting it fall out of my shorts every now and then and saying, hey, I got your back, Kate. Almost every woman I've been with was attracted to me and got turned on first by what a feminist

I was on my own Facebook wall and blogs. And on other people's Facebook walls too. Yeah. It's just your own. Like you have a – it's kind of a responsibility. Shining in and supporting that. People who were physically attracted to me and liked my personality, but just we didn't have that chemistry.

What provided that chemistry was what a vocal and active – That's often the secret ingredient. That's often the secret ingredient. That's often the secret ingredient. If you're making a recipe for a relationship, one way to do it is to say – to get on their Facebook wall and say, hey, you're a racist. And frequently, let's face it, boring person. That's other person. let's face it, boring person.

That's other person. And as we said, that's the only thing you should go to jail for in this country. And you should go to jail and you should get injected with needle dye. Two needles. Two needles. Yeah. One. So you don't,

it was one needles real and the other one, you just don't know. No one paralyzes you and the other stops your heart. Oh, I thought it was two needles. So you didn't know which. I thought there was a placebo. No.

Oh God. Two needles. Yeah, and I thought that one is to actually one just hurts you. They have the needle there that's going to kill you, but the other one, they're like just sticking in you. I thought the one was empty just to psychologically

mess with your head. Because you think you're going to get off. Oh, or here's an, here's an idea. They make you pick between the needles. And they're both fucked up. Yeah. But they show them both. Like, there's like one good one.

One's just vitamins, they say. Anyway, we don't have to talk all day about how lethal injection might work. We're going to call Hayes because we do have an animated movie that we're excited about. So let's just get him on the horn and talk about this animated project, fun for kids, fun for adults,

and fun for us going to the bank, cashing all the checks. Because it is 2016, and I do want to make money a priority. Now, Brett, can you get him on the phone? And, Brett, how are you? What happened? Were you late tonight?

Yeah, I was. I was a little late. I got turned around. Shit, man. Yeah, sorry. Hey, what if one of the needles was, like, just a tetanus shot? All's forgiven. Wow. A little late for a tetanus shot? All's forgiven. Wow.

A little late for a tetanus shot, I would say. Oh, yeah. You're about to be murdered with a chemical. Oh, fried? Hey, and I was just messing around, making a joke about, you know, your wang. Oh, thanks. Thanks for saying that. Things fucking, it's good. Yeah. Wang oh oh thanks thanks for saying that things fucking

it's good yeah you know and these things last these movies oh god they're evergreen you know

you go back to them all the time how many times did you watch Princess and the Frog this week alone yeah me I watched it

well I mean I watched it two weeks ago yeah I watch all dogs go to heaven to get inspired you see them on the shelf at the video store on the Netflix queue. These are the movies to watch.

I watch Brave every day at lunch. Yeah, I know. They could keep releasing Kung Fu Panda and just always call it Kung Fu Panda 3 and nobody would really remember. Nah, it doesn't matter. For me, Mulan. Mulan.

You know? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hollywood Handbook. What's going on with the phone call, Brett? Are we making any progress? Yeah, I was just calling right now. Oh, shit, man. Mm-hmm.

I like that little mermaid. Is that what? The little mermaid? I like that one mermaid Is that what The little mermaid I like that one Big old Really She got a nice She's

I mean her body I mean if you could go online And Google it The animators had Some fun Yeah the I'll tell you what The

The way they draw Some of these broads in the pictures. Hello. Hayes, man. Hey, guys. Hi, how are you? How are you doing? You sound quiet.

Are you whispering so someone else can still sleep? I have to be a little quiet. I'm at the zoo. Mm-hmm. And, you know a lot of animals are sleeping and so I'm just getting kind of

this is a good time to adopt them because they're asleep and so I'm going through and I'm choosing something nice to adopt well that's good I mean do you find that they're resistant to being adopted by you when they're awake? Yes. What I've gone by in the past, when during the daytime, when the animals are awake, they don't want to be my son.

And so nighttime is the right time, as they say, to adopt animals. Yeah, I've heard that expression. But, Sean, how are you? Sean, how are you? Sorry for cutting off whoever that was. Sean, I haven't talked to you since your trip. Are you okay? Is your face okay?

Yeah, everything's healing up good, and the plates are where they should be, and they are moving less. and they are moving less. I still do have to sleep in the sort of floating pod thing just because that way I don't get touched by anybody, and I do have to put those spikes in. Oh, wow. And are you still kind of pursuing the lawsuit with the Hula instructor? No, that has been apparently legally.

I had no grounds just because she had an arbitration clause. Oh, these things. They're getting more sophisticated. These Hula instructors are getting more sophisticated in the way they protect themselves. And it's these weasel legalese sort of snakes that are unfortunately a big part of our legal system. It's ruining the country. Well, it is. It is.

Everybody deserves their day in court. And between that and— And it sounded like what she was trying to get you to do was very dangerous. Well, and you're not supposed to do that with those, and you're not supposed to put that there. And that is why it wound up falling off. So, anyway, I don't want to get too bogged down in the whole thing. Yeah, I want to talk to all the other guys.

Is Ben there? Bang Rod Man's here Oh, Ben Is it Ben or is it one of his crazy characters? Oh, you mean Jack Nicholson? Yes, that's so funny Oh, yeah I came here tonight

I went down to Staples Center And the Lakers weren't playing. Huh? Oh, yeah. Basically, yeah. That must be really good.

And Neil, is Neil there? Yeah, I'm here. Hi, Neil. I saw you in the magazine, in the big magazine story, remember? In the New Yorker? Yes. Yes, about Leslie Jones. Yes.

I've had two nice brief mentions in the New Yorker where my existence is stated, and they're going right in the scrapbook. where my existence is stated, and they're going right in the scrapbook. This actually brings up an interesting point, Hayes, because we all know why he's in there because he's out conceivably smashing ghosts in a film. So we were talking just recently about what big feminists we all are and how women should have the right to basically, if they want to look good and show us something, that that's probably their right and we shouldn't try to stop them. One thing we have brought up before is if you want to make a female version

of a popular film with an all-female cast, I couldn't be more all for that. You want to make a female lethal weapon called the heat, go ahead. You want to make a female lethal weapon and call it the heat? Go ahead. You want to make a girl's version of Star Wars and call it a new chapter? Fine. I don't give a shit. If you're going to make a fucking female Ghost Breakers, okay. Good.

I'm excited to see it. Sounds funny. But the baddies and the ghouls and the goblins and the demons and the baddies and the meanies have barely females, too. Well, in the all-male Ghostbusters in the first one, the baddie was a woman. It was Zool. What about Gozer? Wasn't Gozer also Zool. What about Gozer? Wasn't Gozer

also Zool? What's the difference between Gozer and Zool? This is not the best look from someone who's starring in the new Ghostbusters movie. Do we want to go much farther with Neil talking about what he knows about Ghostbusters? It's a reboot. None of the old canon matters.

It's out the window. So you're expressly forbidden from knowing anything about the first movie? Yeah, he wants the whole first movie to get shot out of a canon. I will say, Sean, I just want to say I do agree with you about these female reboots. I am obviously all for them as well, and I'm very supportive of them, you about these female reboots i am obviously all for them as well and i'm very supportive of them provided that there is a male director uh just sort of a steady hand on the wheel you know what i mean and preferably it's one who works with a lot of all-female cast who sort of knows how to wrangle them and kind of herd them together you know what i mean

mm-hmm no mean, it's important to make sure that everybody's viewpoint is being celebrated, and so we don't want to go all one way. Let's say you're driving on a highway and people try to picture this in a boat.

Motorboat. Yeah. Motorboat. Ben loves that oh and hey Dom I forgot to say hi to Dom hey Dom oh shit don't worry about that

we're doing like an animated project I think that's so dope yeah it's stupid dope and I was talking about how

first of all 2016 for us is gonna be the year making it about money and that's what's motivating us I bet a lot more people want to are able to see these movies 2016 for us is going to be the year of making it about money, and that's what's motivating us. A lot more people are able to see these movies because it's good for kids too. And unfortunately, we do have to slice up the pie,

although there's a lot to go around, because we need somebody like Neil, who is a star of the New Yorker magazine. And we need somebody like Bang Raj Man, who can do all these crazy characters. And we need somebody like Dom, Man who can do all these crazy characters. And we need somebody like Dom who I heard could draw pretty good. Yeah, yeah. I mean, pretty good. I was like the kid. I was like the best drawer in junior high.

Nice. People would always ask me to draw stuff. Always doodling. Always doodling. Yeah, my notebook. Like kids would pay me at the end of class to see what was in my notebook because I was scribbling and it's so hard. The Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. Yeah, a lot of Jack Skellington and then a lot of –

Ooh. Yeah, yeah. And I was good at the Stussy symbol too. I did the Stussy symbol a lot. Can I bring up a beef I have with that movie? Oh, yeah. Why not call him Jack Skellington? You'll find no argument

from me. There's nothing to me more immature and just frankly lazy than mispronouncing a common word like skeleton for some sort of comedic effect. And to me, it's like we know the word. We know

what you're playing at. It's not a clever twist. You're just dumbing down the culture. And I would say I would take it one step further to say that's boring. And I was talking about, hey, is it the only time I think capital punishment is appropriate is if someone's being boring? And you can prove it beyond a reasonable doubt. Agree or disagree? I agree.

And when you do it, whatever, you set them on fire or whatever, it makes them be very exciting for a second. Oh, that's a good point. So it's like a way to sort of get them to atone for the bad thing they did. Finally be exciting. Yeah. And we may want to do that with, you know, you know who up in the White House. Well, I think I know what you're talking about.

I got a scooch pretty soon, so are we, what am I, you just want me to sort of feed it with a few interesting characters? Is that sort of the, is that my involvement here? Hey, I want you to put some of these guys to their paces, you know? Nobody is better at putting people to the test and finding out what they're really made of than the Hayes man. And I've always said that. So, like, you know, maybe get a couple voices out of the Raj man, put him out of his comfort zone.

Maybe find out what Dom can really draw. Neil? Raj is just cycling through characters over here, even when he's not talking. I'm looking over, and he's got his different posture. His face is changing. He's just right. It's a spinning wheel of different characters he's got. Yeah.

You know, all you got to do is put the mic close to his face, and you'll just hear whatever he's got going on. Ew. That's the Sobe lizard. If you'd seen his face, too, like he was doing the tongue. That's the fucking Sobe lizard. Drink Sobe. Is that the

Sobe lizard, Neil? It looks like it to me. I remember that campaign. They would dance, right? They would dance on the... There's something under the cap. He's got it. He's got it. He's doing it. Hayes, if you just want to sort of draw out

and find some interesting things from these guys, and maybe with Neil, you just really double down on sort of the idea I had with him about, like, I really hope some of these baddies and maybe the sloppy Slimer character... Or how about this? Is there, like, I really hope some of these baddies and maybe the sloppy Slimer character, or how about this?

Is there like a sexy male ghost who's going down on Leslie Jones, make her eyes cross? Because that's what happened to Dan Aykroyd. It seems like it would only be fair, and maybe it's that other ghost's brother. And so that's like something that they kind of do in their family is they approach strangers and they descend into their underneath zone. I mean, Akron, in the original film... They're Leslie's own. I think that Dan Akron was referencing the medieval idea of the succubus that would sneak into rooms

and... Yeah, the sucking bus. Yeah, the succubus. Well, in this case, it would be more of a licubus, but... Well, there is one of those. Oh, no. It was an incubus. Be careful. Oh, boy.

But anyway, Hayes, you got any characters you want to hear or anything else? Well, I was sort of... I don't know how far we're willing to push it, but I was wondering if we were willing to go kind of dark for this like kind of do like an adult swim style japanese anime like for kids but like for cool kids that are like sort of creative you do you understand sort of what i mean that actually sounds badass no now that i'm hearing it classic nickelodeon you remember how nickelodeon was not afraid to be sort of messed up and that's influenced the way so many of us think now?

Yeah, I often think back to my humor being formed and how some of the cartoons we were watching were kind of messed up. Yeah. One thing I'll say about it, I'm happy to draw kind of an anime style. Like, I think that is a cool style. When I've taken a swing at it in the past, people have told me that it made them feel like it was racist. Like, just how it comes out. And I don't know what it is about it. People are calling you on the phone when you draw pictures?

I don't know what it is about it. People are calling you on the phone when you draw pictures? When I draw pictures and I hold it up to my Periscope channel for the followers, some of them will call me and they'll say, like, hey, this anime, like, I don't know, whatever. So, I mean, if we're okay with kind of, you know, there's a 30% chance it'll be like a little racist looking. Mm-hmm.

Hayes, are you cool with that? I mean, we're rolling the dice anyway. That's kind of what I mean by dark, I guess. That's sort of the direction I was hoping this would go. Yeah, in my mind, dark means racially offensive. Yeah, that's my interpretation as well. We can make it like that and then we could go online and call ourselves out. Oh, well, that would really start soaking some panties, don't you think? A lot of movies are doing that now.

They'll be like the Fantastic Four, you know? They'll like go online and say like, hey, did you know that some people online don't like that the new Human Torch is a black guy? And then everybody will be like, well, we better go see that Human Torch movie. That way those rac online don't like that the new Human Torch is a black guy. And then everybody will be like, well, we better go see that Human Torch movie. That way those racists don't win. Have you noticed that with every movie now? Yeah. Right.

And so we're doing the opposite of that where they say we want the racist to win. Yeah. We flip the playbook and we call our own movie and ourselves racist. But also if we say that we don't want to watch our own movie, then maybe some chicks will be kind of into that idea. Like, oh, these guys really don't like some of this racist stuff they did. I know Rogers will be all right with that outcome. Bring out some ladies.

Some stacked ladies. Yeah, and he's, yeah, yeah. He loves motorboating. And what is he doing now? Well, just so I don't come off as a scumbag, I only motorboat if it's requested. Oh, wow. Hayes, have you ever heard

such a thing? That's actually not what I heard about him, so I'm really glad to hear that clarified. I heard almost the opposite of that. Okay, because that is not true. That is a rumor going around that I would like to nip in the bud right now. And also, I've heard about that he does nip people in the butt sometimes as well.

Okay, I purposely said nip in the bud just to avoid that rumor, which is also going around. Anytime a lady's asked me in a motorboat or I get really shy. Yeah, I shut down. And I'd like to say I think I'm I have a I think it's my experience As a performer

I'd like to That helps me get over The shyness Because I'm basically On stage 24-7 You perform best Under pressure And I think the

Insane pressure Of a woman requesting A motorboat Which Let's face it Shrivels up Most ordinary men. A true, I was going to say showboat like you, but I'm already talking about boats.

Well, anyway, you do a great job with that. And I'd like to also, in keeping with Neil's idea of calling yourself out. Showboat's got a motor. Oh, that is something for possibly a key chain that comes out with the movie. Now, I want to say that a lot of people might be hearing this and going, oh, these four white, you know, these cis men

are sitting here talking in a way that they wouldn't if there was girls around. And I would say, number one, no, we would say this to anyone. And even if it was a guy who's a weird guy, we do that too. Also, even if that's not true, then I'm not, I also, I would never listen to this. I mean, a lot of my voices are so accurate that people don't even know what my race or gender is. Yeah. I mean, until they see a picture. So it might as well be like a girl is there

in the form of all the characters inside them. And to back up and talk about weird guys for a second, I like those guys. I love those guys. God bless the weirdos. Good for them. So, God, they absolutely are so hilarious.

So, go ahead. What are you talking about, Neil? I just, you reminded me of Ben's first show that I saw him do in New York. It was down at the St. Mark's, under St. Mark's Theater. And the poster was him. It was Ben and sort of his face kind of looking upset.

And then the lid, his head had been cut. The top of his head was open like a lid, you know. And then inside his head were, you know, all the characters. Oh, yeah, and they're like arguing with each other. Yeah, they're wrestling with each other, trying to get out of the top of their head. Yeah, and Ben was kind of amused. The real Ben was sort of amused, but the characters inside of him had all sorts of different feelings and problems with each other. I don't understand.

I think that's how he feels, like he has all those people in his head. Oh. So why can you see them? Because that would make you come to the show. It's not just one guy. It's all the people inside him and he's kind of cracked. He's doing it with them? Doing what?

The show? The characters are in the show. The characters that are they're kind of small animated versions of the characters. There's like drawings of them or like me in a mustache or a wig. Oh, no. And they're tiny and they're coming out of my head. They're like busting out.

There's one on a grappling hook. It's kind of coming, like swinging down. Are they going to get away? Well, you know you gotta watch the show you gotta see the show to find out oh wow

but if they got but if they got away there's no show oh so you're saying it's like you already kind of know well you outsmarted me again Brainiac

well the first time I did go to see it Ben actually had to cancel and just an improv group went up instead why'd you have to cancel did they get out

because they all got away had the characters gone away I actually was dealing with had to cancel and just an improv group went up instead. Why'd you have to cancel? Did they get out? Because they all got away. Had the characters gone away? I actually was dealing with a legal matter that night. Oh. Well, you know, that can happen to anybody. Yeah. I mean, I got off and things are okay. Was it nipping somebody in the bud?

I'm not supposed to discuss it. Part of the settlement. It's part of the settlement. And that's the thing that gets you, the binding arbitration, binding arbitration, non-disclosure clause. You know, the little guy. Yeah. It's ruining the country. Citing away your rights.

Little guy like me has no rights against a hula girl at this point. No. So, you know, we rights against a hula girl at this point. No. So, you know, we're getting a little bit off track. It could have been anybody's teeth. Yeah. Yeah, we're getting a little bit off track. And you did mention the animated characters, and that reminds me of what we're supposed to talk about. Hey, is there anything you want to ask Dom

if you know how to draw that? Yeah, I was wondering if Dom, if you could draw, I would love to see a minion, but who's kind of, like, sort of ripped. You know what I mean? Yeah, like a strong minion.

Is there anything about, like, the minions sort of look like shit? Yeah, flabby. Who would fuck that? Do you see it as being more of a Stuart or a Kevin or a Bob? Or no, Bob's the teddy bear. I think Kevin's a little too tall. I would maybe pick someone who's not as, just sort of like a middle between them

but who looks like he takes care of himself and he like eats right and he has a good body and stuff who like looks good and maybe make sure he's got a nice banana banana yeah

that works for adults man it really does yeah I can do that I would always draw muscles Yeah, that works for adults, man. It really does. It's funny for us. It's funny for us. Yeah, I can do that. I would always draw muscles. I would draw muscles on all my friends for their pictures. People would hand me their pictures, and they'd ask me to draw muscles on them for the yearbook and stuff.

And so I used to do that all the time. So muscles are no problem. That's great. I love hearing that um i guess to go with him there could be sort of like keeping with like the adult swing sort of envelope envelope pushing thing there's like a barbie doll that's sort of messed up like train wreck oh like the hair's messed up like she's got a cigarette and like she's like she says bitch she says bitch. She says bitch, you know? Okay. About herself? And, like, her friends.

Yeah, I like that because then it's her choice. Okay. And then maybe she and this guy or kind of maybe she and this minion are kind of, like, feeling each other. And, you know, I don't want to give you, like, too much direction. But maybe it's like. And how's she looking up top? A lot going on? Yeah, where's she's she looking up top? A lot going on? Yeah, where's she?

Upstairs, she got a lot going on? Second floor, what's the deal? Oh, she's stacked. Okay. Oh, okay. She's stacked, okay. Oh, okay, that could be cool for kids and adults. But her, she has a lot of separation between her breasts,

so they're like too far apart to motorboat. Is that going to be a problem for you, Ben? Well, I'm less interested in the, I mean, is it just more difficult to motorboat or impossible? I mean, I'm picturing what I'm sketching up. You have to have a huge, huge face because otherwise you would just be hitting air. What I'm sketching out here has her breasts over on her shoulders, like at the tips of her shoulders, basically, in order to kind of – like epaulettes? Yeah. I mean, luckily I've got a very wide face.

I think that's why I usually get the requests so often because of the girth of my face. Gosh, I can't believe I'm just thinking about it because I'm just remembering every time I've ever been asked, I just shut down. Yeah, I just kind of like look down at the ground and then like just wait. I freeze up. Yeah. The evening's over and then the next day I send up just a long email. Yeah. The evening's over, and then the next day I send up just a long email. Yeah. Like, I just kind of, I just.

Well, you've run them by me. You'll usually say and go like, is this, does this seem like it's saying everything I want to? Yeah. And you always tell me to like, you know, don't mince words, you know, just like get to the heart of it. Shoot them straight, you know. I mean, don't be afraid to over explain. Just like get to the heart of it. Shoot them straight, you know.

I mean, don't be afraid to over-explain. I think it might be helpful for other people with this problem to hear. One of those emails? I don't know if you have any of these emails on your phone, Neil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, a lot in drafts. A lot in drafts. Yeah, you don't send all of them. Yeah.

You got to perfect it. Yeah, I know. I lot in drafts. Yeah, you don't send all of them. Yeah. Or you gotta perfect it. Yeah, I know. I got one right here. Dear Maureen, this is a girl I went out with about seven or eight years ago. Dear Maureen, I had such a nice time with you last night at dinner.

Thanks so much for coming out with me. I hope I didn't step in too many puddles for you. I'd stepped in a puddle earlier in the night. I hope I didn't step in too many puddles. That's a fun reminder of some of the stuff that happened before the sort of night fell apart. That's really smart. That's so smart to do that.

It was pretty good. The dinner was good. Yeah, yeah. I was so happy that you wanted to come up to my place for a nightcap. I'm sorry we didn't get to drink it. When what happened on my couch happened and I left the room and didn't come back until I was sure you were gone, I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that what I was doing might hurt your feelings. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that what I was doing might hurt your feelings.

But I am an old-fashioned man, and I don't like to do what we wanted to do because we're different people who do different things on different nights. Please don't tell your friends about this. And that's the part, and that part where different people who do different things on different nights, that's the part where I said, you may want to be more specific because to me... That's why this is a draft. Yeah, and that's why it's in a draft. In the real email, that is when I, I mean,

I just really unloaded a lot of baggage in what I actually sent. Yeah, and he went through like what she does on certain nights, what he does on nights, how they're different. Yeah, what I've done, what I would do, what she's done, what I assume she would do. And this is a girl you had met by being a feminist on someone else's Facebook wall. This is a girl who had seen me around, liked my look, who had met me once or twice, thought I was friendly, but did not have a chemical, physical, sexual reaction to me until she saw me post on my friend's Instagram wall that what he had said on stage in an improv show the night before was hurtful to women. That's pretty huge.

And so this sort of thing that happened between you guys is in keeping with the kind of guy you are, which is? Big star. A big, big star. Hayes, do you have anything else? Any other guys? Any other good guys? What else would be good? I guess a sunny car could be really nice.

I'm just coming up with this. It's Jane Lynch. Oh, because I was going was gonna say If the car This still works If it's like Pissing out it's gas tank That could be good Like yeah

How fucked up is that But also Kids all do piss Train wreck a little bit Cause train wreck Also has to be Kind of pissing a lot The only car I can draw

Is a 98 Mustang. Is that okay? It's a nice car. Yeah. That could be good for Jane Lynch. And she should probably also be, like, openly lesbian in it, so it's being, like, against the church and stuff, you know? It's kind of, like, thumbing its nose at, like, the big church.

Well, it could piss on a priest out of the gas tank. That's good. And then you could find out that the priest was fingering kids' assholes or whatever. Spotlighting. Yeah, spotlighting. I'm fingering assholes. Oh, wow. Wow.

That's that priest. Oh, it's Ben. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, he's not really here. It's just me. Ben disappeared and Father O'Malley came in. Okay, Hayes, were there any other roundtable topics you wanted to bring up? I mean, we were talking a little bit about how all these processed foods are just like really just getting so out of hand and that you basically need a chemistry degree

to understand some of these food labels. Not on the air. We just talked about it before we recorded. Did you talk about, did you make my point that I asked you to make about how I need to bring a dictionary to the grocery store? Yeah, that's great. That's perfect. That's exactly what we're talking about. And it's like you need to be a scientist to understand these, to eat a fruit roll-up now. Right. You got to have a food science PhD. Yeah.

From college. It used to be I could just look at a label and be like, you know, beef. Now, am I wrong when we were growing up? And we're a little older than these guys. When we were growing up, am I wrong? But it was simple ingredients. Peanuts. Raisins.

Meat. Yeah. A nice shell. Yarn. Yarn. A nectarine. Yarn. A hamburger.

Yeah. Sandwich. And now if your tongue's not spending all day in the library licking books. Yeah. Calf liver. Bananas. Bananas. A bean. Whole onion Calf liver. Bananas. Bananas. A bean.

A whole onion. A one bean. A bean. A whole onion. Eggs. If you wanted to bread something, you'd just dunk it in an egg. You wouldn't mail it to a lab. Ice.

No, you wouldn't. Yeah, you wouldn't have to go to chemistry to know what you're eating. Yeah, I used to eat on a plate, not a test tube, not a beaker. Yeah, it didn't come out of a Bunsen burner straight to my table. It got cooked in an oven.

Did somebody say ice? Yes. That used to be one of the primary ingredients when I was growing up. Yeah, you didn't read the back of your peanut butter and say that it had a Higgs boson particle in it. No, you were not eating out of a particle accelerator trying to recreate the Big Bang in your microwave.

To have a hot nacho chip. I eat an Oreo, I'm going to travel back in time. Nachos was an ingredient. Yeah. It used to be cookies. Cookies. It was an entire ingredient. You open a box of cookies, look at the ingredients.

It says cookies. Cookies. Made of cookies. It used to just say cookie. Cookie dough. Yes. Magazine. Add heat.

Magazine. It used to just say magazine. And you'd clip a recipe out of a magazine And it would be stuff that You didn't need to construct a polymer You didn't need to have the equipment To make a new type of polymer Oh no I didn't have to master cold fusion

I have to be Heisenberg all of a sudden No it didn't have to be Heisenberg From Breaking Bad I could just go Oh what's in this? A bike chain What's my name? Oh.

Oh, God. Jesus. Bane. He was here for a second. Yeah. That was Bane. How did Bane get in? Bane showed up for a second.

Oh, gosh, Hayes. That was no voice thing Bane. He had his mask off, yeah. Hayes, do you have to scooch? Yeah, I got to scooch. One thing they didn't tell me about this is that the zoo at night is just for bats. It's only for, like, bats rule the zoo at night. And then they're attracted to the sort of light on my phone

and they want to be friends with me, so I should go. Okay, good luck. Okay, and do a great job on the show. I know you're all going to do lots of funny good stuff, but I can't wait to watch it on TV. TV. Is he gone? He's gone now.

Okay, Brent. He heard that part, though, where you're saying, is he gone? Oh, that's okay. Why? Why? Huh? Am I supposed to do something right now? What?

Brent, we're trying to do something right now? What? Brett, we're trying to do a show. Sorry, guys. Sorry about Brett. It's okay. You ever go on that bro bible site? Oh, yeah. Sure.

That's what me and my bros are about. Bro bible? What is that? It's like the chive on steroids. It's about lifting? Among other things. Mm-hmm. Lifting up some frontal torpedoes.

Well, it got my attention. Yeah. Okay, okay, guys. Well, we just talked to Hayes, and we're going to, I promise, we'll get into the script. But before we do get into this fun animated movie script, we do need to take a break. Hollywood Handbook. And we're back. Okay, where were we? Well, let's go through the script and just look at a couple of these scenes.

Let's go through the script and just look at a couple of these scenes and put them on their feet. Let me move some stuff around. Neil, you'll read the Ghost Smasher character that comes in and is kicking butt. Ben, you'll read some of these wild guys. I'll do stage directions. Dom, just make sure you can draw. Try to keep up. I'll let you know.

If anything is happening too fast for you to draw it, you want me to draw as we go here? As we're doing it, ideally we're going to be putting this out there. Great. And then, Neil, I did see on Instagram there's some stuff of you were hanging out. You were posting some pretty powerful feminist rhetoric on a wall of a girl who is a Korean girl.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a friend of yours? Yeah, that's my friend Stephanie. She's my girlfriend's friend, and she was singing. She sang the Sir Mix-A-Lot song, I Like Big Butts, at a karaoke birthday party that we were at in Koreatown in New York. I'm more of a put-them-on-the-glass guy myself. He's in the middle of a story, Ben.

Sorry. And I love that. And I love the joke you're making, but I hate the timing of it. Well, I was just sort of telling her that that's a sexist song, and no matter whose birthday it is, she shouldn't be singing it. It was wrong. Linser makes a lot saying it, and it would be wrong. It's wrong to bring it up, you know?

And she probably thanked you for saying that and she was probably pretty attracted to you for saying that too. Eventually, yeah. I'm taking now. So, okay. So did that just – I bring it up only because Dom is able to draw a lot of pictures. But from what I've found a little bit on some of the research I've been doing is Korea has a way to make these pictures move around. And if anybody at home is thinking, oh, animated movie, that would be fun

for me to do. But every time I draw my pictures, they hold still. That's my problem. Yeah. And we've found that and Dom and I, in a couple of the tests we've done, have found that the pictures really seem to hold still and you could shake them around, but it's not the same effect as when you watch a cartoon. Well, you know, cartoons, a lot of different drawings sort of put in order together. So it gives the illusion of movement. Not my area, but this seems like something your friend Stephanie maybe would be able to be an entree.

Well, I mean, anybody could, you know, there's a lot of different, you know, there's a lot of cartoon shows, you know, The Simpsons is very popular. Not like a meal entree. Like not like the main course. Right. Like an introduction. Okay. No, Stephanie's not.

She does real estate. She's a real estate broker in New York. But she knows them. Yeah. I read over. I was practically raised on The Simpsons. That is kind of my thing is finding this. Like that was kind of my show.

Right. Because I actually think, is it a cartoon? Yeah. But the writing, I noticed, is very sharp and has actually some very clever jokes. Yeah. Dough. That's funny. Donuts. that's funny. Mmm, donuts, that's funny.

But there's actually very sharp writing, and I actually am someone who appreciated that part of it and noticed that. Did you grow up on The Simpsons at all? Oh, it practically is my sense of humor. Like, my whole thing, like, every joke I've ever made is like, oh, that's the Simpsons. There's a couple things I really love that just are a part of, you know, my childhood or whatever that for whatever reason I latched on to. The Simpsons.

There was this little movie. I don't know if you heard of it, Back to the Future. Oh, great. Yeah. Super. That was like, I felt like that movie was made for me. It was. Me and my friends.

Who is this for? If not for me, me and my friends watched it dozens of times. And, you know, gigawatts. Remember? Yeah, that's me. Yeah. To the future. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Go. Yes. The Simpsons So And that's the kind of thing Where

If you Cause And it's like No surprise Now I wound up being Fucking really funny Yeah Because I

That's what I watched What you ate Now Engineer Brett Have you even seen The Simpsons Uh yeah I grew up with that too But did you get it I mean

Or you only laugh when he hits his head probably or laugh when he like chokes Bart but like there's actually like some like satirical

yeah that is funny but there's like satirical stuff I think it's what Sean's saying too is like deeper things there's layers to it

which not everyone was kind of able to experience you know intelligence or whatever it is, whatever it is. Or get the references. Yeah.

Yeah. No, then that's, and that's why The Simpsons is kind of my thing. Everybody sort of has a, you know, sometimes you have these things and it's, I guess it's, you know, other people have seen it, but like they didn't actually like always get it. And liking rap music, even though I'm a white guy. So let's go on to do some stuff. I will put him on the glass. That was a good time for that.

That was perfect. Neil wasn't telling a story. So an animated movie, and we'll just start with scene one, and we'll just start ripping into it. So, open on a typical school day. The ripped minion is sitting in the front row raising his hand for the sexy train wreck Barbie teacher trying to ask her a question. Excuse me. Oh, hold on. We actually probably need some music for this.

Okay. Makes it feel more like a movie. I got spinning wheel. Hold on. Okay. Okay. So this rip minion who don't play by the rules skateboards into the classroom and raises his hand for the sexy train wreck teacher. Um, excuse me, uh, Mrs. Teacher?

Uh, you probably didn't get me because I was late. Oh, I'm such a, I can't keep anything straight. Uh, well, I'm't keep anything straight. Well, I'm pretty straight right now. You've got a huge bone. Oh, yeah, I can see that. It's for my dog. Yeah.

Well, I'll be your dog dog Let me slurp that up Guys can I Can I just jump in Yeah sure Yeah I just And I'm only thinking about Like just drawing this stuff Right

And just like what Do we want the Minion to have the boner When he walks in Like do we want him to No he's I mean according to the script He just has his dog's bone

Yeah He just has his dog's bone But he's holding it Where his boner would be I mean that's the script He just has his dog's bone Yeah He just has his dog's bone But he's holding it Where his boner would be I mean that's a funny joke For us And I just wanna Kids aren't gonna know

Yeah kids It's gonna go right Over their heads But she's saying When she's saying Let me slurp that up What's she talking about then Well she then gets down

On her knees And starts sucking On the dog bone On the dog bone She takes it all the way down Down to the hill So he's holding The dog bone Kind of crotch level Like it's a Right the way down, down to the hill. So he's holding the dog bone kind of crotch

level like it's a phallic? He's holding it up in front of him and it's inside his pants so you can't clearly see whether it's a dog bone or not. And is it, it's white, it's not yellow, right? It's not the minion color. Well, it's, I mean. It's going to have to be. Bones are yellowish, you know, they're not white.

Yeah. Do you add a dog? Like the, you know, chewed up bone is sort of yellow and white. This goes back to me being frustrated with the Jack Skellington thing. It's like, you know, bones aren't bone white. They're actually yellowed. Well, I think it's going to look like it's the Minion's dick no matter what. Well, it can't be. It's a kid's movie.

No, it's a kid's movie. It's going to be a dog bone. Okay. All right. All right. Sorry. We've got to be able. If it's yellow. No, it's a kid's movie. It's going to be a dog bone. Okay. All right. Sorry. We got to be able to show it to kids. Okay. Yeah.

I think you cleared up my, you know. Well, do you want to skip to the next scene where the ISIS guy walks into the classroom? I would like to because I had questions about how ISIS guy was to be drawn. All right. Go ahead and play the next song. All right. Go ahead and play the next song. So the train wreck teacher is down on her knees and really going at it on this minion's bone.

All of a sudden, the door gets kicked in, and a friggin' dude with a friggin' big ol' AK-47 come in, and he's like, you know, not American. Infidels, stand up and put your hands up. Why don't you sit down and put that gun down? Who are you? How did you get to this classroom? My son goes to school here, and it's bring your dad to work day. Hey, wait a second.

I want to suck on that AK-47. Of course you do, you dirty American dog. And it's my choice. Listen, there's nothing I can do to smash you until you're a ghost. So do what you have to do. You kill all these kids. You kill everybody. Jack Nicholson comes in.

Hey, excuse me. I'm trying to get to the Staples Center. Anybody know the directions to that part of Los Angeles? I don't normally drive myself. I usually have somebody drive me. Whoa! Who's this guy? Okay, that was a...

Hey, weren't you in Wolf? Go ahead. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to stop the scene. Well, you did. That's a big scene. And it also feels like it is the next scene, but it really picks up right where the previous scene left off. Yeah, well, it's a hard cut. It's a smash cut.

Smash cut. And it has in the stage directions kind of a little camel drawing next to the Isis man. Do you want him riding in on a camel, or do you? Well, I want him carrying it by the neck. Carrying the camel by the neck. Because those guys

are mean guys. Right, okay, yeah. They're mean to animals as well as people. Okay. And the Ghostbuster... Oh, and could the camel's nose look like a freaking wang

like a Joe Camel? Okay, yeah. It can. Are we worried about a tonnage issue with too much wang stuff? I mean, it's fun for the adults that are going. If you're a dad and you take your kids to the movie on a Sunday afternoon, you won't laugh. What in here has been for the kids thus far, I guess? Well, you got a camel.

Well, it's school. They're in school. They're in school. You got the teachers acting like a dog. Yeah. I guess that is pretty silly. Isn't that fun for a kid? Their teachers pretend to be a dog?

That's so silly. You know, kids get drilled into their heads that somebody could come into their classroom and blow them away at any time. And, you know, if they could just, you know, have a little fun with that, laugh at it. I mean, what a crazy day at school. You got an old guy. You got a foreigner. And then you got somebody's dad. And, you know, and it could be a little scary.

I see what you're saying, that an ISIS guy comes in with a gun. But the ghost smasher threatens him. And the only guy who winds up getting shot is Obama. And, you know, that's what's on the news every day, this stuff. And the camel does start talking. Every day on the news you see this stuff. Yeah. Yeah, it really has gotten this bad.

Why should we – I mean if the kids can see the news, why should we be held to any standard that's stricter than that? Okay, okay. It was feeling very adult to me, and I didn't know if that was a concern at all. But especially the scene later at the Staples Center where they all – like right after they got dropped off in Jack's limo. Mm-hmm. Just felt, it felt a little adult with some of the kind of stuff in the locker room.

Well, let's run through the scene and you stop me when you see something that you think is too adult. Okay. All right. Brett, you can cue up the next song. Well, I hope you like courtside seats, camel. Okay. Because we're going to have some fun. I'm going to slip it in to you. Well, first you better put a hat on that, Jimmy. I don't really like those hats.

They really restrict my brain flow. Why don't I just raw dog you? Hey, while you're raw dogging me, I wouldn't mind slobbering all over that ghost beater's proton blaster, you know what I mean? Sorry, I've got to keep this

ready for whenever that terrorist dies. Well, if you can't put the proton blaster in my mouth, why don't you put something else long in there? So, can I just stop you there? Yeah, sure. So, in the moments after this, where they just kind of start, you know, having this kind of orgy. Well, they're at a Lakers game.

It's not an orgy. It's not an orgy. They're enjoying sports. Kids play sports. Kids play basketball. And they should. Yeah. And I think they should.

Right. So I guess that's one question is when I'm drawing the faces of these kind of like family of people who are around the game, how do they feel about the camel fucking the ghost beater? They're happy to see Jack Nicholson. I think he's – I think Jack Nicholson was just riding the camel. Huge star. He was just riding the camel. Yeah. Which – what movie is Wolf?

You said that twice. I don't think I know Wolf. He's a wolf in a tent. Wolf, yeah. He's a wolf in a tent? Tank. Tank, yeah. Oh, okay. No, I hadn't think I know Wolf. He's a wolf in a tent? Tank. Tank, yeah. Oh, okay.

No, I hadn't seen that one. It just feels very, like there's no kid, like the minion was the closest thing, and now it seems like the minion's gone? Well, he's only in that first scene just because he kind of, he gets off. School. Yeah, he gets off school, and it's time to go home home and he's got to work out or whatever. Terrorist, yeah. Terrorist shot him.

Well, yeah. Earlier I said Obama's the only one that gets shot, but the Minion does get – Obama's the only one that gets killed. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah. The Minion gets double tapped off screen and gang execution style. I think that's going to be very traumatic to children who enjoy the Minions.

No, because when they go to the autopsy, the Minion's still goofing around, sort of. He's being puppeted by, you know, but when they go to the autopsy, I think it's pretty funny. Yeah, the district attorney and the coroner and the Minion's mom. Yeah, and they all do kind of like

a Three Stooges sort of homage. Mm-hmm. Well, I mean, is there a scene that you don't have a problem with? I mean, I guess the closest thing is this kid's birthday party scene. Oh, yeah. Where he's dancing with his teddy bear who comes to life. Yeah, where he's dancing with his teddy bear who comes to life. I was like, that's kind of sweet.

It's a character we haven't seen in the film up until this point. It's just kind of a young boy who wanders on and starts dancing with a teddy bear. It's kind of poetic and nice. It's because no other kids came to his birthday party. Oh, is that it? That's the... Oh, I don't think I realized that. And also the reason he thinks his teddy bear came to life is because he's toking the weed.

The kid's stoned? Yeah. Oh, okay. I mean, because that's funny for me. Well, and adults can like that. Yeah.

And if I got to bring my kid, if I got my kid for the weekend, which, you know, I don't anymore, but if I did,

When you used to, yeah. When I used to be able to get my dumb kid, I'd bring him to the movies. I don't want to. I'd fall asleep. There's nothing in it for me to watch. Anyway, I don't see him anymore.

You couldn't sleep with that engine running next door. Your kid couldn't get to sleep with that engine noise from daddy's room. Your kid couldn't get to sleep with that engine noise from daddy's room. Yeah, I mean, the noise of all the motors running could tend to keep up a kid. Yeah, got a little seasick. Yeah, let's just say. Hearing dad out there on the water. Let's just say sometimes it gets a little flooded, the engine. Well, you know, if you like the birthday party area,

then like, you know, maybe we could sort of spruce up that scene. Yeah, I think that would be good. I mean, if we jump to that scene, I mean, I still think just ISIS guy, I know I'm supposed to believe that he's good in the end and he's throwing the birthday party.

Yeah. And that... And he got rid of that fink. Obama. Yeah, yeah. So I just wanted to make sure I understood the point of view of the movie is Obama is, we all want him out. Yeah, I think his name begins with an O for a reason. Because that's the number of things he's done right. O for O-zero.

But no president has ever... No president's name... Yeah. I think that's probably why. No president's name has ever started with an appropriate number. O, huh? What do you mean? By your standard...

W. Win. Yeah. F looks like a four. That's true, yeah. I guess maybe Roman numerals. B looks like an eight. B looks like an A. B looks like an A.

B looks just like an A. But then Barack. Oh, yeah. Son of a fucker. Yeah, but we're going last name. We're going last name. Oh, then forget what I said about F. Yeah, or W.

Yeah. Yeah, I retract my original thing, too. You're right. We're not going to get to the bottom of this today. But, you know, Brett, cue up the song, and let's launch it to a scene. So the kid finishes fucking ripping a huge hit off the blunt. He's blowing smoke circles.

His mom's watching on and she reaches down under her skirt. Suddenly, his teddy bear comes to life. Hey, I just want to wish you a happy birthday there. The teddy bear is drunk

as a skunk. Oh, I thought, I didn't realize they were twin boys. Or am I seeing double? And twins. Go ahead. I just want to, for my drawing of the teddy bear, Ben, with your voice, with your vocal choice,

did you have any race in mind or anything like that? I mean, bears aren't a race. Just a bear. A bear isn't a particular race. It just seemed like a jivey character. He was going, yeah! I didn't know how he wanted that to affect. I don't know. It felt like it could be...

Like what? I don't know. Say it, Dom. I was just saying bear. Bear, okay. I was just. Say it, Dom. I'm just, I was asking. I mean, I was just saying bear. Bear, okay. That's just what a bear, and I was just saying, he sounded very aggressive.

Yeah, because bears are a wild animal. Yeah, but I mean, if we want the kid to, I'm just trying to steer it more towards something that also entertains kids. Is there a particular race that you think is more aggressive than other races?

No, no, there's not. I'm saying that the bear. Dom, what the fuck are you talking about? What? No, there's, I'm saying that maybe the bear could the fuck are you talking about what I don't no there's I'm saying that maybe the bear could be like

a little more soft spoken I've known you for years I never thought I would have to go on some of my other friends Facebook walls and talk about something that you said

please don't do that you'll be hearing from me about this one please don't do that guys guys we can talk about it now in person if you want you're gonna lose your job no don't what are you gonna email guys, we can talk about it now in person if you want. You're going to lose your job.

No, don't. Are you going to email my boss or something? You're not going to be able to show your face in polite company when I'm through with you. My girlfriend will let me motorboat her when I get home. I'll be riding so high off of taking you down and tearing

you apart on Facebook. Go at the conference. You'll be able to do it. We'll see. I haven't. We've been dating for a year and a half. I don't. I just thought maybe if the bear was a little more soft-spoken, a little friendlier, a little more polite, it might be more appealing towards children.

Maybe you don't know the bear's experience, and the bear has experienced a sort of life that you wouldn't understand. Thanks for the note, guy who draws. I'm a voice actor. Yeah, okay. No, that's a good point. I'm a little out of line. Yeah, and I'm a podcaster.

Yeah. And I'm sorry if I kind of infringed on that. I was on three or so year-end lists, actually, this show. So maybe think about that before you give a note. And the bear's not a real bear anyway. It's in the kid's head. Oh, okay, so it's an imaginary. No one else can see it but the kid?

Yeah, the kid's fucking stoned out of his fucking shit. Those are the given circumstances of the scripts, Dom. Remember when you took the big hit off a honey blunt? I do. I do remember. Can you draw a honey blunt like that? I've never actually seen a honey blunt. Can you draw backwards? Is that a different type of blunt? Yeah. I can't. I

never actually drew blunts. We were not allowed to draw. Did you draw one of those cross joints like Rogan rolled? Oh, in Pineapple? I don't know. Okay. Kind of looks like the new lightsaber, huh? Oh, yeah.

I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Oh, dude. Star Wars is sort of my thing. Oh, yeah. Growing up. Growing up, it was like this speaks to me. I have it in my bones.

If you slice open one of my bones, you know, a blaster will come out. And I didn't just like – growing up with Star Wars, I didn't just like the main characters, Luke and Leia and Han. A character that really sort of spoke to me as a young teenager was actually kind of a smaller character in the trilogy. I found myself very drawn to the character, the bounty hunter Boba Fett. I don't know if you're familiar with him.

He has a very small part in the movie. Yes, I actually am familiar with him. The richness of the world and the texture of the tapestry. He appears in Empire briefly, and then in Jedi he's thrown into the Sarlacc pit. Which is a monster on tapestry. Hob didn't get frozen carbonate on his own. They had a little help from one Boba Mr. Fett.

But Star Wars was basically my high school. Mine too. Yes. Yeah, it was a pretty personal thing for me. For me, I didn't really relate to my family as much as I related to Star Wars and some of those characters. And as much as I did love the main characters, there were also other characters and even Chewbacca. Everyone, remember how he was a Wookiee? Sorry to get so inside. Yeah, they're erased from the planet

Kashyyyk. Oh, yeah. Yes, the frozen Hoth planet. Sorry to get so inside. I hate to think that we're alienating listeners, but this is the kind of stuff I care about, and it was kind of my thing. Yeah. They were moisture farmers. Mm-hmm. It's a cool just detail of the world.

Lando. Yeah. He's another side kind of a minor character. Oh, gosh. When me and my friends saw that movie, there was one line that stuck out to us, and we kind of use it in different circumstances, and that's when one of the weird-looking aliens goes, it's a trap. And so sometimes we'll say that about stuff.

Stuff that like if it's like a, hey man, come here. I just want to show you something real quick. And it's like, oh, he's going to like punch him in the arm real hard or some trick or something. I go, it's a trap. That is great. And we all know what each other are talking about. It was really big. I mean, that was very, because I do voices.

I mean, voices are my thing. And that's a movie of just different voices, different aliens, different robots. Just a lot of, I mean, you know, beep-boop-beep-boops and roars. What are they saying when they beep-boop those robots? I always wonder that. They speak robot in that. Like a language?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Amazing. I love all the characters talk. That was one of my ideas, actually, you know, about this sort of animated project is like, could we have things talking you don't expect? And do we want to jump to sort of the finale of the film where there's robots and all the different items in the room are talking

and even things that maybe aren't usually doing that? Yeah. Yeah. And it's also the minion, his dad is there. Okay. Yeah. It's up to the last. And he's all boned out. Okay. So he starts the scene boned out. Yeah.

And he's got blue balls, but he calls them yellow balls because he's a minion. I didn't see that. Or it could be green balls because blue and's a minion. Or it could be green balls because blue and yellow make green. Like it could be, you know, it could be something fun. That's actually really good. That makes sense.

That's better than what I had. It's not better, it's just a different thing. Yeah, they start yellow and then the blue tint makes a green result. Kids are smarter than you give them credit for. Well, they got phones. Oh, my God. They listen to everything. They can Google whatever they, you know.

They hear every, Ben, you know with your kid, he was repeating all kinds of crazy shit. Yeah. He says, he's a parent. He says everything I say. Especially when you tell him not to. Yeah. Well, then he wants to do it more. Yeah.

Well, that's over. Well, yeah, then he wants to do it more. Yeah. Well, that's over. Well, yeah, I don't have to worry about it anymore. Now he's probably got a totally different... Can't even find him in the fucking rear view, right? Good riddance. But you do have that parrot. I did. I bought a parrot to replace him in my life.

But even that thing is a fucking pain in the neck. Well, it just repeats everything you say, too. I see it in the neighborhood. Yeah, I just repeats everything you say, too. I see it in the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't keep it in a cage. Yeah. I tried to get it out, but it keeps flying back. Didn't it take a piece of your ear off? Yeah.

You see this chip of my ear that's missing? Mm-hmm. This one's from the parrot. This one is from my dad. It's complicated. It's a cycle. Yeah, you know, of course. Hardest job in the world, dads.

It's tough, yeah. Second hardest. Fracking, I think, is probably the most challenging. And it's pretty dangerous, too. And also because people give you such a hard time about it. Like that's a hard job to have.

Commercial fisherman. That's deadly. I don't know, hard, because people respect that. Well, and it's got, I mean, if you're a commercial fisherman. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're already on a boat. Yes, thank you. I didn't want to have to.

You guys aren't sending a lot of emails. You set him up for it. You did. You son of a bitch. Fucking, so let's do the last scene, and it's sort of the big party finale, and we sort of wrap up a lot of things that probably people who are hearing these other scenes are going like, well, I'm loving the plot, but there's some loose ends. How are they going to pay this off?

It wraps up pretty. I got to give you kudos to you guys. It does button up pretty tightly. Mm-hmm. The king comes back, and he has Santa Claus, and they're both talking to Winnie the Pooh. And he's carrying on his back, he's got like a backpack, and sitting in it is the Master Blaster. And all the gummy bears are talking to the DuckTales dudes, and the Ninja Turtles don't have their masks on, so they can't tell each other apart.

And they come by on a sled. It's not Santa's sled. It's Calvin's from Calvin and Hobbes. And he's mashed up with Star Wars, which seems to be something people like. So to combine those. So they see that the ISIS guy is asleep, and they take out a long sword and slice his head. And what does he say? Obama! I'm happy I killed you! And he turns out to be a good guy, which I think we mentioned. And he turns out to be a good guy, which I think we mentioned. And then he goes, or he wakes up, and he's sleeping next to Suzanne Plachette.

I just had the weirdest dream. So did I. Well, it's about to get dreamier. So did I. Well, it's about to get dreamier. The Ghostbusters man puts his proton blaster in both their heads and starts jamming it in and out. Can I? Go ahead.

I think that ending actually is very satisfying, and I do think that that kind of makes the whole journey worth it. I wonder if we're going to be able to get the rights to all those characters you listed at the beginning. We've been over this on the show before. You can use those characters as long as you change their affiliation. So Santa Claus, who's normally a villain, we've made him a good guy. Okay, and like Winnie the Pooh and Calvin and all that. Okay, great.

All good guys. Well, Calvin got smashed up with being Star Wars anyway. Yes. I liked that you guys wrote in the script because people like that. Well, we've seen it online. Yeah, but just to clarify for anybody, I think that helps. So I'm happy to take these kind of drawings I did and put them in an

envelope and ship them to wherever Neil says the, you know, they'll make a move. Just an animation, you know, in a studio. Yeah. Great. Okay, so we'll do that and then sit back and wait for the books, I guess. Is there anything else that you guys want to get off your chest?

Oh, I just said chest. Calm down, Ben. I'm awake. Calm down. I was starting to doze off there, but now I'm awake. Now you're awake, yeah. And I'll be up all night. Yeah, I just love—

I've got a couple things, yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. Because I—yeah, go ahead. Russell, if you're listening, you know, I'm sorry that you didn't have a bedroom. And, you know and please come back. Try to be quiet, but I think we can work things out. Okay? That's really great.

That's really great. And Russell's your parrot? That's right. He's my parrot. And go ahead, Neil. I am going to go online after this, and I'm going to refresh my Facebook feed, and I'm going to scroll down, down, down, down through everything that all you people out there have said while I've been offline for the past hour and a half or so. And God help you if any stepped out of line for a fucking second because it doesn't matter if the people you're talking about are offended.

I'm going to get offended for them, and I'm going to come after you. Well, tell them something that makes people too stupid to know that they should be offended. Well, you know, some people are too busy trying to claw their way through a world that's hostile to them, and they need people like me to put on my little shorts and my little T-shirt and to go online on my sticky laptop and scream at them online and tell them that they would be better off dead and the world would be better off without them because they don't think the right things like me do. That's nice.

Is there anything more heroic than talking to people who agree with you about what they already think? If you can do it from home, it's that much more noble. And Dom? Well, mine's kind of the opposite of Neil's a little bit. I just hope, you know, on the off chance Hayes didn't edit it out,

there was a little talk earlier that something I said might have crossed a line. I hope he did edit that out. But I think he's – For the sake of our listeners' ears, I hope he managed to find a way to get it out. But it actually was so filthy, I think that it soiled the rest of the podcast and even what came before it. Well, and even – And even the next episode.

Then I just want to put out the point of view that, you know, it might have been just an innocent mistake. It doesn't, it's not indicative of my behavior in general. It's just, it's just a kind of, if there was anything there, it was just a slip of the tongue and certainly didn't mean anything by it. And, you know, hopefully my social media kind of. Well, I'm going to listen to this episode when it comes out, and I'll be the judge of that. Yeah, and I'm sorry, and I'd like to apologize to the funny car

that pissed out its gas tank that we didn't put in any of the scenes, and I wish that that had made its way in. It's an Easter egg. Yeah, and it's an Easter egg. And I just want to also say that just – I just really think that women's bodies are beautiful. God, you're crying. Yeah. Yeah, I'm crying.

So thanks for listening to Hollywood Handbook, the sort of educational showbiz podcast that I do with Hayes Davenport. My guests this week were on the show. We talked about them and to them a lot. And the show's over. So what we're going to do now is end it. And we'll just move in the – we'll move on from the show by stopping doing it. Does that start now? And this will be the end of it. So thanks, everybody, for listening.

Can we edit out the part where I talked about biting people in the butt it's an ongoing thing absolutely that I'm dealing with it's probably not smart of me to put that out there

yeah we'll get rid of that so the show's over so if anybody's still hearing what I'm saying, you shouldn't be. We're done. Brett shouldn't be recording it anymore, and that's that. Oh, and the pro version,

I don't think we really do that anymore. Bye. Bye. A couple other things I'd like to get rid of. I'm still recording, so it's fine. Oh, okay. Well, maybe I should talk to you about this afterward, but I said probably a lot of things that I probably...

Legally? Yeah, my parent is in a bit of trouble, and I probably shouldn't have put his name out there. If you could just get rid of all that. I don't think you said his name. I did, yeah. Russell. Russell.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's all over the Los Feliz ledger. Yeah, that's where he lives. Anyway, if we could get all of that stuff out, I would appreciate it. I'm sorry I called up your ass so much about your intimation earlier. I got a public persona to keep as a real righteous, you know, as somebody who really tells it like it is.

What's the Rudyard Kipling quote you like to use a lot? It's a Rudyard Kipling paraphrase. Sorry, sorry. Which is, it's hard to be the only person on the Internet who can help the people who the Internet won't help. Rudyard Kipling. Yeah. That's beautiful. Jungle Book.

Baloo. That was good. So this is sort of a new thing we're trying where we just sort of peter out for a while. Are we still recording? Brett, what's going on for you? I was just thinking about should I end it? I was just thinking about – should I end it?

I was just kind of zoning out after what Don said. Don? I know. Somebody got cereal on the brain. Remember Don? Don, Hayes' boyfriend. Somebody got cereal on the brain. Should we call him Hayes again?

Yeah, let's call him back. We're all just chilling. I wonder if he got that bat. Because, you know, bats rule the night. You know, they don't just rule the zoo at night. They rule the night. And don't tell me to Hayes.

I don't need to pick a, you know. Can I be honest for a second? I choose my battles. We're not recording anymore. Hmm? I usually get too shy to motorboat. Yeah, I know.

I do get requested a lot, and I'm just like you guys. I put up a big... Well, it's tough. You know, when a girl undoes that button and sort of squeezes her shoulders together front-wise, right there at your house, you know, you get a fight or flight. You've been describing it. It makes me want to run out of the room. I've actually never been asked to motorboat, like specifically requested.

I don't get the whole thing with Brett. For me, what's sexy is just personality. You know what I mean? But I feel like if I say that, if I admit that, that's like somehow it makes me less masculine. But I can't imagine just like just purely a physical thing. It's too intimate an act.

I mean, on the air, I kind of like play this character and you know, a lot of machismo, but I mean, it's more about... It's a trap. I'm in the same thing. I'm in the same goddamn trap about it's a trap I'm in the same thing I'm in the same goddamn trap it's a trap I've never seen it

yeah you've never seen Star Wars no oh you just know that oh wow you guys know this old models

and like animatronics it's most never watched never watched Simpsons puppets so much better

I don't know I don't know you've never seen Simpsons I'muppets? So much better. I don't know. I'm an engineer. I don't know. Hayes Davenport. Hey, Hayes. How do these things? You gotta wait.

Hey, Hayes. It's Sean. Neil. Bang's Sean. Neil. Bang. Dom. We're just sort of winding down the podcast, just doing a little post-mortem. We got lonely and wanted to see what happened with the bat and everything. Still a seat for you here, bud.

Yeah, there always will be. We're keeping it warm. The show is over, but we're still kind of hanging out. The show is warm. There's like a new thing on the show where it's kind of petering out at the end, you said? Yeah. And, you know, anyway, just we care about you, we love you, and

We're saying a prayer for you. And we're saying a prayer. We're lighting a candle. And we're praying Peace Love your brother I love your brother Chase Love your brother Chase

Should I hang up now? I think that's done You want to let it go? Peter this one out? I guess we got kind of a new thing going voicemail-wise where we just sort of let it run its course, and it's not up to me when it ends. The ending will happen because it happens.

Hayes, maybe you can explain what the thing, like after where you say your own name on your voicemail, and then it goes, press 1 to do this. It's like we just want to leave the message. I don't want to have to enter a bunch of numbers. Yeah, do we really need that part? Sorry, I'm kind of riffing, but I really do feel that way. No, feel free to get off on a riff.

I always liked it in movies and stuff where somebody's voicemail would be like, hey, it's me. You know what to do. That's so cool. Oh, God. I always thought that was cool. It's so casual. Yeah, it's so cool.

Or a tricky one. Yeah. One that goes like, hey, it's me, man. I answered. It's so casual. It's so cool. Or a tricky one. Yeah. One that goes like, hey, it's me, man. I answered. It's really me. And then you kind of like. Yeah, you start talking. Yeah.

Dude, I have a fucking idea for a cool message. And tell me if this is funny. So I want to play this character called like the message monster. Okay, I'm on board. And I eat voicemails and like, that's my only food. And so I think it'll encourage people because nowadays I feel like so many people hang up when they get the voicemail and they just send you a text, but it'll encourage them because I want to hear their voice to leave sort of a warm thing if they feel like they're

feeding the message monster. So is the outgoing message, the message monster kind of begging to be fed? Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's of begging to be fed? Yeah, yeah. It's like, sorry, it's, it's like, yeah, so it's, whatever, it'll be the,

or no, it'll come out, yeah, or, wait, no, before it, sorry. It's the rings, right? And then on the left, yeah, okay, yeah. Click.

Thank you. I'm the message monster. Please, I need to eat the messengers. The only way I can live. Please give me messengers in my stomach. And if you leave them, please mention to Sean that you really like him. Beep. Dom, what background did that voice sound like it had to you?

Background? Oh, yeah, yeah. Where would the message monster be? I kind of pictured him as like a festive king, like a plump king who had like a lot. He sounded like Jolly. I didn't picture a race at all. Nothing.

Jolly King is white. That's probably right. Yeah, unfortunately. Yeah, I mean, historically it has been. Yeah, historically a jolly sort of ruddy-cheeked king is white and, you know. Yeah. And if we pretend otherwise, we do a disservice to all the kings who could come after. And the stern king is always a black man.

Mm-hmm. And that's how it's presented in the media and we all have to take responsibility for that. Sean, I like that idea. Because if you have a sad message that you have to leave, which nowadays usually is the case when you have to leave a message, at least you're cheered up a little bit. Yeah, that was sort of the thinking. Just seemed like a fresh take on that outgoing voicemail and I'm always creating these characters. I've got another idea for a character.

Are we running out of time on the message? Actually, I just got spinning wheel on both the recording and the message. We can't end. I couldn't stop it if I wanted to right now. Is the recording happening? I don't know. I couldn't stop it if I wanted to right now. So is the recording happening?

I don't know. The recording is happening. The recording is definitely happening. I want this character to be preserved on the recording, which is this is a guy who thinks putting on a life jacket makes him look like the Kool-Aid man more than it does. Okay. Oh, he's talking on the phone.

Hello. Hold on. I'm just getting into a panga. Now, Dom. Hey, Kool-Aid. That's good. I don't really think so, man. What are you doing?

Kool-Aid! Why did he get a phone call before? Yeah. What's that? It kind of threw me off that he was taking a call. I think it weakened the character, which, let's agree, would have crushed otherwise. I thought he was leaving an outgoing voicemail again. Yeah, I was out of it immediately, and sorry to interrupt.

Oh, wow. Did it really derail you that much? Yeah, I mean, I rolled with it admirably, but— Can we do it again? Do you mind? How so? Just trying the character one more time. Okay.

Okay. Hey, Kool-Aid! That was way funnier. Yeah, I can see how I kind of stopped you from doing that the first time. That feels pretty petered. Bye.

Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Oh, baby. That was a HeadGum Podcast.