Hollywood Handbook - Character Study (with Martha Kelly)

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

The Boys welcome back MARTHA KELLY to do a character study of all her famous roles.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. that thing you know all the way out to the edge and i realized i'm lined up i'm lined up straight with the pole for some reason where i am on the wire i'm too far out from the box so i can't get to the transformer with my drill and i'm reaching and i go like this isn't safe to do it this way So all the way back down, get out of the cherry picker, get in the truck. Wait, nope. Don't get in the truck yet. Move the cones, grab the block under the tire that's there. Put that back in the cab, pull it up. I drive up a couple feet put the cones back down

go where you know where i landed put the block back in get back in the cherry picker get up reach too far now i went too far you went now you're too close to the yeah now i'm too close so i'm actually coming up straight underneath it you know i want to be at a diagonal so i can reach i don't want to be you know bumping my head on these wires and i turn and i'm starting to lower and i hear a little i hear i hear this yeah and i turn and i see martin sheen watching me and he's laughing oh he's loving it he's cracking up and i'm like well martin you think you could do so much better now that i showed you the parameters why don't you get in the cab of this truck and move and he goes because I don't got a fucking union card, man.

And I go, okay, okay, you got me, because I was going to tell on him. And then I say, hey, look, forget it. Like, union cards, all that stuff aside, can you eyeball this for me? Because I now, at this point, don't trust myself. I'm like, I lost the touch. I'm the guy. You know, I've been a one-man operation that's i told him i don't need a partner anymore and but let's say what the like might be helpful to explain to like martha and everyone like what the job is sometimes wires yeah wait you do what on wires i steal the wires oh but to get there so like what's the drill for you're asking

oftentimes there's like a big bat in there or something and you gotta drill that thing before basically before it drill you bats fear drills you know because especially fear being like fully speared by one. Drilled. And they have, you know, they have big fangs. What's a bigger fang than a drill? Almost nothing. And so it's sort of, you know, more of a fair fight. And what I try to do ideally is I have a drill and I also have a bucket. And I just give them a choice.

is I have a drill and I also have a bucket and I just give them a choice. I say, I say, Mr. Dracula, Mr. Dracula, I tell him, you want the drill or the bucket? It's up to you.

And nine times out of 10, they take the bucket. They just hop in there. And then do you just take them to a new home or what? Where do they go in the bucket? Oh, it depends on what their attitude is. I mean, if they if they're a real pain in the ass, real blabbermouth, I'll drop them off just a block or two away. Yeah.

But, you know, on the way there, you might take a stop at uh at at bucket shaking town yeah i might go i might go to the local uh bears paint uh kiosk and throw it in the paint bucket shaker and just say let's see if this can stop some of that squeaking you like so much but if they're chill man i'll take them down to the santa monica pier play ski ball you know no reason not to actually you put them up by the hundo hole they can catch it with their feet drop it in for you so it's it's really there's no one answer to what i do with the bats once they're in the bucket did you ever did you get those wires i got some of them i gotta say they're huge yeah they're so they're they're so big and by the time you get them you're so

tired from dragging them all up you don't even remember why you started and this is what we're doing with technology now like all the things we could be focusing on could be curing like like hungriness for the entire world but instead we're just making wires huge to make them harder for Sean to pick up? That's been so frustrating to me because when I started out, not as young as I used to be, when I started out as a kid,

I remember the wires were about this big. And you just put them, you pull your shirt up and you just sort of put them in a little basket like that you know and then you run home and you show your mom oh i found the wires and she'd say sit down and have you know have your uh rutabaga and you'd say okay you know and she'd hand you a big sharp knife he starts slicing off pieces and just you know

slop it on down throw ketchup on it little hamburger juice but it's just save the hamburger juice we'll have root of biggest tomorrow don't throw out the hamburger juice Martha just finished martha just finished a coke i just

martha no i didn't she's got some left okay maybe you think that's finished yeah okay maybe we save a little bit i'm just worried you're going to be impossible. That's a concern, obviously. You came in with a pretty terrifying energy. And when I saw that you did have a caffeinated beverage, I said, well, there's nowhere to go but down. So if you want to just pace yourself, I would say we are seven minutes into the show, give or take. I would say we are seven minutes into the show, give or take.

I would love to see minute 39 before you take another sip. All right. I can commit to that. I'm happy to. Do you want a promise from me? This isn't a one-way street. We can all make a promise. Everyone makes a promise today. All right.

Sean, from you, I'd love it if you'd promise not to take any more bats to the bucket shaking machine, even if they're being assholes. That's what I'd like from you. For the rest of my life yes yeah okay i need more than 32 minutes off the sip of coke you know it doesn't seem does it i mean it's my library heard you martha that there's actually someone's job to stand there and like and like basically help sean like set up the bucket machine and things like that and so sean by participating in this exchange is actually helping someone like live a life and his kids are bats

so now his kids are they don't have any so well they don't have any they don't have any nutrients to drink yeah and then so if his wait are Sean's kids bats or the bucket shaking guys kids are bats the guy that works at does it matter

that's a fair point it shouldn't matter it it shouldn't matter whose kids are bats there should be no special treatment right where it's like oh well your kids are bats so then like you're not in trouble with martha kelly but then like your kids are like just whatever like kids like normal kids or like you know non-bats so then like martha kelly's mad at you i'm sorry yeah you're right no reverse racism yeah isn Mm-hmm. Isn't it? Yeah, I'm gonna... What I'd like to do is just take some time to just listen for a while.

That would be amazing. I would love to see that. Do you mind if I drink my Coke Zero while I'm listening, or do you still want me to wait till minute 39? Okay, I'm worried that this whole thing was just designed to get another sip at that.

That you became incredibly offensive just to manufacture a scenario where you would be able to take us with your Coke Zero ahead of the time that we actually all agreed on and I think we all felt really good about. Okay. I remember last time Martha was on the show.

I think she at one point alluded to killing the president. But that was much later in the show. Yeah. God, that made me feel so happy for a second, Hayes, to just remember saying something about... I mean, I hope I didn't outright threaten to kill Donald Trump while he was president. And maybe now, still, that's's illegal but maybe i said i hoped would you put him in the paint shaker machine i don't wanna i don't want i can't handle uh people like uh being tortured but what i am willing to do and I feel like this would make some kind of amends for what I did to the children who aren't bats,

is sacrifice myself and take him out at the same time by sidling up next to him the next time I'm at Mar-a-Lago, putting my finger in a light socket and then grabbing onto his arm with my other hand. And then we're both gone. We're both canceled. The world's a better place. That's what happened to Joan Cusack at the end of Adam's Family Values.

I... She became dust. So she stuck her finger in a light socket no the current uh from she put them all in electric chairs and they were actually like this is what was so crazy and this is where i quit on this movie yeah she put the entire adams family values in electric chairs and every single one of them is like, this is actually good. That's good. We like it. We like this.

To me, this is actually just a regular chair. And when I sit in what you think is a normal chair, I think it is hurting to me. Yeah. Yeah. They said about the electric chair, this is nice. Mm-hmm. And one of them said to the other one something like, remember Honeymoon?

Yes. Oh. And I'm like, I'm done. That was when I didn't turn it off. You don't actually like that, I'm saying. There's no way you like that. But I started to regard it with a lot more skepticism and i thought who are they doing this for like why do they feel the need

to put on this act of liking this kind of chair which is a scary chair like who is it for i know it can't be comfortable for them is it for me because i'm not impressed anymore i would rather have you be vulnerable and say this chair is hurting martha let me ask you like so okay you say you wouldn't put don trump in the pain-shaking machine but have say you wouldn't put don trump in the paint shaking machine but have you considered this you put him in in a way that's like he's kind of like lying down and so the paint shaking machine is just kind of like resting up against his belly a little bit and then you turn it on and it's basically just kind of like lightly disturbing his belly. And he maybe has

like a pad so he doesn't get all chafed. Yeah. I don't want to spend that much time with him as part of the problem. That sounds like a long procedure. Well, you're in a squirrel suit. You're up in the rafters in a squirrel suit and you dive down

to activate the paint shaking machine. So you like spread out. And then you just like flick the switch on your way by. So you don't really have to do the whole setup. Kevin doesn't do the setup. Certainly no more time than this scenario where you have to like negotiate yourself. So not only are you next to him, you're holding his hand.

Well, no, I... Okay, first of all, I realize already you're supposed to do yes and when you're improv-ing and I've just repeatedly ended whatever we were talking about with no.

And so I apologize for that. B, I would love to wear a squirrel suit and dive down at Donald Trump. That alone without any of the other apparatus would be fun and would probably scare him into having some kind of a heart attack. But then C, I'm actually a little worried that what i said about electrocuting us both could be considered a threat that the secret service or the fbi will show up here what do you what do you think i'm willing to roll the dice and i think when they show up, you go down guns blazing. I go down swinging. Okay.

I mean. Swinging guns. All right. Was what I said this time more of a threat than the last time I did the show? I can't remember what I said. It was more specific, I think. Yeah. I don't remember exactly. You did give. There was a methodology last time. I just don't remember what i was more specific i think yeah i don't remember exactly you did

give there was a methodology last time i just don't remember what it was martha oh my god sorry we have something that we did with lovely guest tim and simmons was on this show and we played do you know tim and simmons tim and simmons i don't know we're not acquainted oh you would love this man he's from vp vp and he said i want to do your show and we're like kick ass nice and so he does the show and we do this where we go through his rich career illustrious career also and rich making big money and we just talk about these different roles and it had a name kevin what was it character study character study character study and what do we do with this sean so character study is the study of the character of what you are doing acting. And we are seeing,

and there's, and the internet will have a list for us. Okay. Which is pretty cool. And what we'll do is we'll kind of talk about some of these characters and we will talk to the lady herself.

Who made them flesh and bone. Not Tim and Simmons this time. No, it's you. We're talking about you. We've been talking about you. Except for the one time we talked about tim and simmons okay so i think i think you'll actually enjoy this because i know that there's so much work we don't get to see and it's a little bit of a way to show people because acting is a very disrespected

profession isn't it i thought you were gonna say acting as a very disrespectful um it can be it can be that i will agree to um quick question though can you hear my cat Gary howling in the background because he's mad that he's in the other room okay I can hear your cat Gary being himself in the background well

I can hear Gary making his needs felt in a way that feels appropriate for him right now I hear Gary making his needs felt in a way that feels appropriate for him right now. I hear Gary honoring his id. Right? Yeah, you're right. That primal self. Yes.

Well, let's talk i mean maybe we should talk first about martha do you think you and i have ever acted together i don't think we've ever acted together what if i told you that that's very rude what if i tell you right now how rude and it's big disrespect and i guess when you said acting could be very disrespectful and that you agreed with it you meant you wanted to disrespect me at my acting when i said that we act together and you say no we don't and make me to be a liar in front of my fans I feel like you asked me

what I would say if you asked me if we ever acted together and I said I didn't think that we had is that not what so well let me take you all the way back okay to 2021 oh and a little tv show i like to call the grape north we did i just don't consider i don't i thought you meant live you don't consider what i was doing

at a tv show you don't consider what i was doing acting if you said i guess i was just existing if you said said have we ever done voiceover together i would have um said yeah we did the great north but i would have said no we didn't do that together we did we did a tape read together it's not really voiceover no it's not it's voice acting it's voice actor voice acting guys i at this is it is there any way that we could for a third unless you did voiceover maybe i'm wrong did you do voiceover where the guy the cartoons are happening and then you were just like look at these cartoons these guys are being weird um you're i take your point you're absolutely right i feel like i feel like i've got off on the wrong foot and then have gone down a road of more

wrong feet since we've um the road is well the you know maybe you had a little too much coca-cola i did i thought you were kidding but i actually i hope that's why. I saw her take a big step, and I said, well, this is basically over. I'm just going to have to ride this out. I apologize. Yes, we did act together, and we did at a long table that a bunch of people were at. And a bunch of people weren't as well.

A lot of people were not with a and a bunch of people weren't as well a lot of people were not at that table right there were more people not at the table even if you can imagine than people at the table there were people too it was a big table i'm not going to say there weren't a lot of people there but there were way more people who weren't there you're right so you were doing this voice at this time acting and your name was breath of me so let's talk a little bit about breath of me and the creation of breath me and i like to start by saying what kind of car is this son of a bitch driving? I think Bethany... I think that she drives a little tiny Fiat. Little tiny toy car.

Fiat currency. She's splitting lanes on the highway, huh? Yeah. She likes to go hot... Taking off people's rearview mirrors. She likes to go hot rodding. Mm-hmm. Oh. Nas.

She got Nas at that thing. She's got big speakers. Is that what you meant? No, Nas. Nas is a gas. Nitrous. Guys. She might have big speakers too though.

Could she put anything in the trunk? Or is the entire trunk speaker? The entire trunk is one large speaker. She has to drive with her suitcase in her lap. She has to put her suitcase in her lap even if she's backpack packing for a really long trip because there is no there's no room in the boot as the british would say it's all speaker bow wow wow bow wow down boy right i knew you were a dog lover but i didn't know you were this into woofers

I knew you were a dog lover, but I didn't know you were this into woofers. I'm pretty into them. I got to admit, you got me. Guilty as charged once again. What is Breath of Me's deal? Do you remember? I think that... i think that she's fake rough for me is um a made-up character on a tv show completely made up not not a real person as far as i know although might be based on a real person i I haven't done the research on that. It's funny how they do that.

It's funny how they do that. Just a quick side note, speaking of characters that might be based on real people. Have you guys seen the Jackie Collins biopic on Netflix? A lot of her characters were based on real people is what it reminded me of. Yes, a lot of her characters were based on real people is what it reminded me of yes a lot of her characters were based on real people i feel like um i've never thought i did a good job on hollywood handbook but i feel like this is a record-breakingly bad episode that i'm ruining and i i want to apologize to all your fans i i don't know what okay let's get started no let's wrong let's get

in because let's get started let's start with let's start from the beginning valerie bryant uh i don't know if she still listens but uh she was a fan of the show for a really long time. Back to reality show show. Quick apology for her. Valerie, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. No longer Bryant. I believe she was.

Congratulations. Yeah. A little congratulations and an apology. Best wishes on your nup recent nuptials and um i'm really sorry i ruined your favorite show yet again um skisalo uh i think would deserve a little mention skisalo you deserve the absolute best episodes of this show that you could possibly get and i haven't delivered and once again i apologize spunky funerism i would obviously really love to hear from you uh and just go ahead and say hey hey, cool name. And a little personal touch. He researches bugs. Mm-hmm.

Spunky Funerism. I heard that you are a great, what do you call a bug research person? Bug guy. Spunky Funerism i've heard you're the best bug guy in your industry and you certainly the best i mean you're right up there with the best if not the best you're definitely in the running for fair yeah second or third best and uh should you work really hard with those bugs and you deserve a good podcast and i'm sorry that i ruined it for you hollywood hamburg eating better is easy with factors delicious ready to eat meals every fresh never frozen meal is chef crafted dietitian approved ready to go in just two minutes speaking of ready to go in

just two minutes chef kevin is here with his new show the chef kevin factor where he creates fresh never frozen meals now this is different kevin i just want to i just want to establish it's none of this like here's a like a pile of ingredients like this is the meal yeah it's not a recipe okay this is the meal you cook the full meal for us now okay yeah you don't just send us a bunch of stuff you had laying around in your cabinet you're actually doing the cooking and there are 35 different options to choose from every week including calorie smart protein plus and keto which is this it's a little bit of all of them okay okay it shouldn't be there are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long

how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal. The promise is the meal makes us sleepy. You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah. Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do.

It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. A lot of these, I know, give you a ton of energy. They have smoothies and things like that. This is wrong. Reservation for two. Me walking in my bedroom. What's the second? It's you and your bed. The bed.

I got clippy. Fuel up fast with Factors restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are. Pancake smoothies and more. Discover a wide variety of easy options for the entire day like breakfast, midday bites and more. No, we didn't even. This is not even up for consideration so let's just hear what the actual meal what was the food i don't want to go to bed it's very simple it's one huge chicken nugget sign up and save we've done the math factor is less expensive

than takeout every meal is dietitian approved to be nutritious and delicious head to factor meals.com slash theboys50 and use code theboys50 to get 50% off. That's code theboys50 at factormeals.com slash theboys50 to get 50% off. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language and the question that i always get people stop me and they say like hey i like i i trust you i know like you when you endorse a product it's something that you really use and care about but there's one language i'm trying to learn and that's body language

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after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of draw it towards them? They're pulling it what does that mean does their whole finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying to pull down the spider down yeah but i've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing

with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as i'm going that's what i've been doing. That seems dangerous. But some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others.

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cancels your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps lower your bills you can see all your subscriptions in one place and if i see something i don't want i can cancel it with a tap i never have to get on the phone with customer service the subscriptions are insidious they're the scourge of our modern life and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged. I know that I was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before I found out how much it was costing that they intended to send me. By the way, this will shock you. 54 dresses if I did not cancel and i you know oh that one's got an end point by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear

like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette it was a french raspberry vinaigrette dressing they'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20 all you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest they have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and that was i mean just to be fully transparent

that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood handbook. Martha.

Hayes. Let's go back. Okay. To 2019. Corporate animals. This movie looks like there's bats in that. Are there any bats? We were in a cave, but I don't think there were bats.

There were some... What are those little lizards? Tough to get bats. Yeah, it is tough to get bats. Yeah, tough to get bats. You need a really nice bucket um what you want to know what the name of a lizard is i'll know the little colorful lizards that are like they live in water um newt salamander newts yep they had newts although i didn't get to work with the newts but they did have some in that movie fire belly newt they were very colorful is that a sound like a you remember what color

multi-color actually could be could be martha i i i know one of these colorful newts Could be. Could be. Martha, I want to talk a little bit about... I know one of these colorful newts. Little guy named Newt Grinchkinch. Yeah, he's pretty colorful. Newt Grinchkinch. Yeah. That's a colorful character if I've ever seen one. Newt Grinchkinch.

Yeah. That guy is one color actually to me yellow he makes me one color too blue yeah he makes me another color too green want to throw up seasick when i see newt grinch kinch flopping all over the boat. Martha. Oh, am I? Same color as Newt Grinchkin. Let's talk about Newt Grinchkin. Oh, you know what? I hope that motherfucker dies immediately. Is that what you meant?

Okay, we're just more color. Yeah, maybe he's full of brown. He's like, yeah, it makes me red like I'm angry. He makes me turn purple because I put a pillowcase over my head and tie it shut and kill myself when I hear his voice. Oh my God, Martha. Jesus Christ. Martha.

Martha. I can't improv and I've said it a million times and I'm saying it again. Who's doing improv? We're talking about the artist's process. We're all doing improv. We're talking about the artist's process. We're all friends here. The idea that you, by the way, and I do want to take you to task on something, that you think you have the power

to ruin an episode of Hollywood Handbook. The ego it takes to believe that you, a mere guest, could ruin an episode of a show that is so bad by design and barely involves the guest at all it's so egomaniacal. It honestly speaks to some really disturbing truths about you and how you see yourself. Pervert.

I feel like if you guys have done your research, you would know that I have the biggest ego in the biz and that's not a secret. And so you pretending to be surprised by that is either you didn't do the research and you don't actually know who i am let alone who breffamy is but or you do know and you're pretending not to know and then i have to ask what's what's really going on what is the underlying prank happening for you to

pretend that you didn't see i said it a minute ago i'm gonna keep saying it every time you let me talk for more than five seconds i cannot riff i cannot just do a quick apology we'll just tear off a couple like really really quick ones okay uh who else anyone else from the from the old days Burger Ho might not mind Burger Ho Burger Ho I heard that you're the best Burger Ho in the biz

and I apologize for ruining your favorite podcast Anastasia might want to know yeah she might be past it but we can try she's not gonna know yeah maybe somebody will email her about it anastasia i hope that you enjoyed the bat and a bucket portion of the show before it took a turn for the worse and i apologize for being the one who turned it but i hope it turns back for you. We have a new listener.

Oh yeah, we have a new listener. Faith, yes. Hey Faith, I hope that you are having a great... What? Say who you are again. Hey Faith, this is Martha Kelly aka Broughamy aka... What's your character's name from Corporate Animals? Hey, Faith, this is Martha Kelly, a.k.a. Breffamy, a.k.a.

What's your character's name from Corporate Animals? Cannot remember. I'll give you a hint. They should have called it Glorprid Animals. Oh, Gloria. Yes. That made you remember? Glorprid Animals.

Yeah. Hi, this... Hi, Faith. This is Martha Kelly from Glorpid Animals fame. And I'm here to say thank you for listening to Hollywood Handbook. And don't worry, because in the next episode, I won't be on it. So don't let this ruin your... Hello? Check out this song I just made up gloria

gloria i'm asking about your character gloria what's that some bitch driving gloria so come on hit me what do you what do you put spill it got a fucking ride you push it? Spill it out. What did Gloria drive? You got to drive in the movie? Actually, no. We get driven to a retreat, and then it goes south. Sour. Goes bad. So she probably would drive a Subaru.aru she has children okay forester legacy

i'm not familiar with the various outback cross track maybe an outback yeah good company guys we did it eco-friendly materials you gotta go no i don't have to go i was trying to we have a lot more fans to apologize to okay uh but we don't have to do that now baskets some of these baskets right now what's going on with some of the baskets they are like some of these baskets i go to the store right now it's like do you want me to they're the the right size like just too small so that like liquid is is falling out right right? Right. So I'll bring my laundry detergent to a basket store

and I'll pour it inside and as I'm walking up to the register it's all as soap is on the ground. Yeah. Is that Rosie having a drink? Yeah, she might come back

around the corner in a minute. Can you just pour your Coke Zero Sugar in there? That, for me, would just like... There she goes. That would kill two birds with one stone. One, it would kind of get Rosie's energy up in a way that could be useful for us and just solve the solve the you problem at

least on that side is that you're so turnt um caffeine is bad for dogs and can actually kill them so now who's canceled hayes first it was me but now it's you because you just told me to kill my dog with coke zero okay uh like you've said before i'm actually doing improv right now and the idea that like just me saying like oh like like like i initiate a funny bit like you like feed your dog coke zero sugar something bad yeah you poison your dog is a funny yeah just like don't actually it's absurd i'm gonna be saying all kinds of funny shit on here like do not actually do these things and everyone listening do not like do any of this stuff that i'm actually saying for real when you hear me saying some

of the funniest shit you've ever even imagined that's like just so completely absurd that you're like okay this guy's brain would not want to be alone in there kind of like a bad neighborhood if i'm understanding correctly then are the people who i apologize to not supposed to accept my apology because it's part of the improv that's real that's real that part's real because that is after you've broken the improv yeah those will be that will be and that will be sort of a reset and they're gonna need it but i i i i gotta ask as we do talk about being an artist and and how absurd and how crazy our brains are when people say like you know talk about choosing to be an actor do you just gotta laugh because i'd be in a straight jacket in a goddamn fucking rubber room getting shot full of god knows what by a bunch of goons in white coats if i didn't have some outlet for this thing that's inside of us this thing that

happens to us you know if i didn't have you to discuss it with uh i don't know how i would even survive and this way to express when you're being gloria that's therapy isn't it and the tour and the retreat is going south where would you be that's medicine that's good medicine where would you be where would you be if i wasn't gloria is that what you mean? Sort of. This is a pretty simple way to say it. It's kind of missing the point intentionally, but yes. Where would I be? Sean would be without this thing that he has to get out of him.

Sean would be in a straitjacket, in a padded cell, being shot full of God knows what by a bunch of goons in white coats. You would be where um i think it's more a question of where will i be not where would i be i will i will be going back to the same types of jobs i had before people started hiring me to ruin their television shows and those jobs include secretary waitress pizza delivery two movies well the first two were movies and 30 minutes or less was a movie as well um wait these are all movies that's right i unfortunately was not cast in 30 minutes or less, sadly, but I've made my peace with it. Might have been good for you. That's where I'll be. When one of those jobs, pet sitter, proofreader, internet copywriter.

We're at 39 minutes. You can have a notice of your coke. Now, is that really really okay are you guys afraid i'm gonna become even more unreasonable we actually keep our promises on this show yeah so you now was one of the jobs you had before a tour guide or is that just the role you played in Spider-Man Homecoming. I actually. That spider's not so itsy bitsy. He's pretty big. He's a real guy.

Yeah. You think a spider's as small, but this is a guy. Guys, are you sure you don't hear Gary? No. What did you drive? As the tour guide, I think that I drove a little Ford pickup. It'd be funny if you had a Segway, huh? Running the tour on a little segue yeah except at first i thought you meant if i had a good segue into a funnier bit than what i tried to

do with the ford pickup i don't have i gave up on that a while ago uh a little a little ford pickup a little ford maybe a dachshund maybe those are smaller than just a little a little zip oh a nissan pickup they're smaller than fords maybe chevys chevy what do you got a chevy like a nissan kick with the back scooped out. Yeah, with a giant speaker in the back. Yes. Remember when we were having jokes about that? The big speaker. Cheers, my guy.

We did it, my guys. Kevin. Yes? You get to ask martha a question martha i've always wanted to know what are your daily reminders daily reminders um you have any daily reminders you mean like what i, the chores I have to remind myself to do every day? Or do you mean spiritual positivity? Kevin, the floor is yours. Two of each. Okay.

The practical reminders are... Kiss Gary. Kiss Gary. I think that was maybe Gary. I think I did finally hear Gary through the door. Okay, so now I actually can hear Gary. It's heartbreaking because he's been howling with grief the entire time. Yeah, sounds like he might want to kiss.

Would it be okay if I let him out of his room? Yeah, that would be okay. Provided that he gets it. Rosie caffeine. Oh, I think I heard Rosie. I think I heard Rosie saying a daily reminder. Give me caffeine. Rosie wants caffeine.

Rosie, no. More Coca-Cola Zero. No. Rosie, that was fake. Dogs can do improv too. Rosie. Okay.

You too. Rosie's got chops. We live really close to the UCB on Franklin. We moved, so she's been taking some classes and stuff. The gravitational pull of that building. I feel it too. Is she really taking the classes

or is it just a resume padding thing so that you can add it like, oh, and I studied at UCB. Are you trying to study the art form or are you just checking study the art form? Are you just checking off a box so you can tell some casting director you do improv? Rosie, let's get real. Well, what I can tell you is that she asked me for the money to pay for it.

And she leaves the house every Wednesday at three o'clock and says she's going to the class. So I haven't checked up on her. She's at the OTB. She's still at OTB. That don't impress me much. Okay, so you're Brit Pitt. That don't impress me much. Well... Okay, so you're Matt Besser.

Right? Going UCB. That don't impress me much. You want to get Gary? I don't want to hold you up if you want to get Gary. Is he going to get a kiss on cam gary gets a kiss on cam yeah hold on one sec guys i'm gonna turn the camera off because i don't want to walk on camera it's yeah it's a union thing okay yeah absolutely yeah um is this the last time i'm ever going to be invited on the show because of how uh how terrible my fight with gary martha you said that last time didn't you

didn't that come up last time and didn't you say that the time before that and then didn't we ask you again well and didn't you and didn't you and i have a good time again um do you remember well that's that's and that's why i'm saying we did this twice yes you're right we cannot we cannot do this again i can't i can't put you through it again. Good. I feel like as a fan of the show. It doesn't matter to me.

It doesn't bother me at all. It doesn't really feel great to a couple of our fans who haven't got an apology yet. Perhaps York should hear from you. York? York. York. York. He's from Australia York

Look out for those camel spiders In Australia The ones that are as big as a basketball And hang out on your balcony And this is coming from Imagine what that would Imagine that in a paint shaker too Oh my goodness Whoa my you can't

martha's in a squirrel suit flying around just circling the paint shaker as the camel spider goes absolutely cuckoo we've lost sean and i don't blame him. Yeah. Sean got really bored. He had to look outside. He literally got up and left his house. Maybe there's something interesting. Maybe there's an interesting podcast happening outside, he said. I was trying to get Bosh to come in.

Bosh. And even he didn't want to come in. I know. Oh, my God. You know, the last time I saw bosh in person he was a little bit aloof towards me and i i remember that um something's going on and i i wish i knew i had done yeah couldn't couldn't be that you deserved it yeah you know when you guys joke about stuff uh most of the time i'm fine with it because i know that it's funny but that's not funny that's my friendship with bosh that you're you're now

joking about being over that's not funny sean, I didn't say it was over. Friends can have difficult times that they go through. Hayes and I barely go a week without one of us being infuriated by the other's behavior.

But you let Bosh in? He just won't come in? or he's not out there he's he's no he's underneath the bench outside and i went to try to sort of call him in the issue is my bench made my son is also out there playing and if he hears me calling for bosh then he's gonna want to come in too and then that is like that's a wrap yeah that ends the show so we may need to do anyway yeah i could try to get again hang on martha what's your favorite character um just out of all the characters that you ever know that you ever played um i got to play a character who popped up from behind a bush um about a month ago and that was one of my favorite things i've ever gotten to do so probably i don't know if i can say what what the character is because it had

the thing hasn't come out yet. I'm really sorry, Martha. That character was cut. I wish you could see how he's looking at me. That character's no longer in the project. He asked me who the guest was. What'd you say? You know, let's just

you know what you know what let's just uh let's just end the episode bye Hollywood Handbook this week on the Patreon Carl and Ahsan play What's the Scenario the boys call Amazon's customer service.

Shonk and Brett help Bang get in the funky zone on Hollywood Masterclass. And the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes, including today's with Martha at patreon.com slash theflakerinones. Hollywood Handbook. That was a Hate Gum podcast.