Hollywood Handbook - Chris Bannon, Our Close Boss

Episode Date: January 30, 2017

Hayes and Sean return from a visit to Washington to begin a negotiation with Earwolf boss CHRIS BANNON. This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron (www.blueapron.com/handbook) and ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/first).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I'm at this table with Ginger Gonzaga and Jennifer Castanzito and Freddie Prince Jr. and obviously we're all nominated for the same award you know most influential Latino American

and they're cheesed off somehow that I'm in this category, you know, because they say that, like, I'm not the real deal. And my whole thing is saying that someone is not a race is every bit as racist as discriminating against someone who is. Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree with you. So how did they react when you won? Okay. Well then of course, everybody had to kiss my frigging took it, you know, because they want to be part of the photo shoot and they want to look gracious. But it was moments before that they were going, you technically shouldn't be in this category.

And nasty stuff like that. You technically don't feel like you should be in this category. My memory of, sorry, not my memory, what I heard about it. And I don't know if this is actually the way it went, but you gave your speech in what you, I guess, kind of thought was Spanish, and maybe now is Spanish. It's like kind of a new... There's been some litigation around it, but it's being recognized as Spanish at this point. Okay. And what a lot of the Spanish people, I think, are finding is that the language i spoke up there was in many ways better than

spanish it was more accessible it was kind of funnier a lot of hard k sounds a lot of rhymey words do we want to hear i just like a small just like sort of the most uh the most meaningful passage to you because i think uh getting it out there is important, especially now, like the way the political climate is now. Would you want to say a little bit of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, I mean, it was a really short speech, very gracious. I said,

uh, kooby dooby. Yeah. God. Dude. Uh, mama. And I did it,

you know, and I did sort of a, um, like a little salsa dance with it. Hey, welcome to Hollywood handbook. And it's our sky kick button dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry. We call showbiz.

So what do we like to say? We talk about movies and TV. We talk about books and music and video games. These are all Hollywood jobs. We also talk about the news. We love to learn about the news. We read about it because it is on TV and it is in a certain kind of book. And sometimes we read things about the news and we want to participate in them a little bit ourselves.

I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself. And dictionary books, too. Yes. Yes. Dictionary is a kind of news. We're a news. We've had different bosses from Earwolf on the show in the past. We had Jeff Ulrich. We had Adam Sachs.

We've never had Chris Bannon. We've spoken about him before, but since he's based in New York, sometimes it's a little bit hard to coordinate. But we're excited to have him on the show today. Chris Bannon is here. Hi, Chris. Hi. His shadow looms large over the show, even when he's not here.

Oh, that's very nice. Thank you. Yeah. Do you mean that? I meant it mean. Oh, okay. Like a dark shadow. Not fat.

You're definitely, you know, it's not like fat, but it is very big. Kind of like just middle-age obese kind of. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it would be that at any age. It's purely a size conversation. Because in your shadow, we can't that at any age. It's not an age. It's purely a size conversation. Because in your shadow, we can't see anything about age. Obviously, we're young, fun guys.

And so I guess you assume that we're criticizing you based on your age, which is much older than us. We're really cool. But it's more the shadow thing is not even about your size. Okay. It's about the size of the problem you tend to create. Oh. When you are lagging your nose around where maybe you don't belong.

Oh, um, well, like, uh, I'm, you know, I, I'm really sorry if that's happened. If you could give me an example, and I'll try to do better. Sean has been talking a lot recently about certain people, I think, applying you snooping around the show. Well, we can read your email, you know. Sticking their nose at the wrong place. Well, yeah. I mean, I've seen what you've written.

Well, we have an open email. My understanding is, yes, that you've been looking in my emails, that you've been listening to the show, which is being made for the young people of today. Well, you know, I just want to make sure everyone's having a good time.

And that, you know, there actually is a show. Everyone's having a good time. And there actually is a show. Right. Well, that's another thing. Well, there is. So good job. Because there is a show.

We're doing it right now. So you're doing great, and it's not in danger. OK. But if I decide at some point that there's not a show, that's up to me. That's my business. And then if the listeners aren't increasing at an appropriate rate, that's because we don't want them to. No, I think that's clear.

It's so funny. I would think being around, like your podcast voice is so strange. I would think that just being around podcasts more, you would have a better voice. Just like a normal voice, but your voice is just so bizarre. What should I, should it be higher? I don't know. I don't know if it's about pitch, but it's just.

No, it should be more voice soundy. It's like a more typical voice, not to have it be so strange. Hello? Yes, that's good. Hi. Yes, that's good. That's very natural. Howdy. Yeah, okay, that's an interesting new character. So trying different characters. Yeah, I

could, you know, I could go up here? Somewhere? That, for me, is uncomfortable only because I find it very arousing. Well, thank you. Let's get to the big conversation that we are going to have. You, in the past, have put various—you've gotten involved in our show.

You've put various restrictions on the work we do. This is totally fine. You've stuck your nose where it don't belong. Well, you know, I'm just trying to help. I want you guys to succeed. Yes, absolutely. And we sometimes want that too.

The things that have changed differently around, we talk, we're very transparent on this show, like certain drinks, like, drinks, like these clear drinks, like Sprite. Sort of like the Sprite of shows in this way. You can see right through it. And certain things have changed since the election in terms of the Earwolf mid-roll umbrella and like who we are overseen by. We have now a larger influence from like certain political bodies than we used to have before. I know that that's mostly driven by you.

You were very excited because you thought like, oh, now. Now we have an opportunity. Now because they listen to you down in Washington, we have a chance to have some right now. That's what I hear. I've heard that. To me, he's number one. Yes. Of all the presidents we have right now in the White House, I go, he's the top one. So all these guys in different business, and podcast is business, are now meeting with him and having these conversations. I saw the Ford guy was there.

Yes, Mr. Ford guy and other cars. Other car people. Yes. And Elon Musket. Oh, that scoundrel Richard Branson. Yes. Was he there? He took some kind of like old-fashioned hot air balloon.

You know how he's always flying around in these contraptions. That incorrigible scamp. A rocket. Yeah, he rode up in the hot air balloon from around the world in 80 days. I'm Jackie Chan. And so we wanted to have some of these conversations as well because of our new influence. And it's not – look, I don't love everything that this guy is doing. I think some of this stuff is a little bit weird.

But I think it is important. It's just too early for some of it. Yes, exactly exactly is it me I go a little slower yes sure but I think it is important to be having these conversations it's not collaborating it's not kowtowing it's getting in his ear

a little bit so maybe things are a little better and like there's no way to know if they would be better or worse but they actually are better because we are having these conversations well he's listening to you right so that's one yeah so great thing who would you rather have talking to this guy even if you don't like his stuff well you rather have in there than your old buddies well sean and hayne did did you talk to him yeah so well this is what I'm – I don't know if you've heard a podcast before,

but we kind of like gradually get into the – Oh, got it. Ease the listener into the thing. I don't really have time to listen. We went to Washington. We had such a good time in the big – I sometimes call it Washington, D.C. clown college because of all these circus clowns.

But we went to Washington. We went to, you know, this ladies' march. Oh, yeah, the women's march on Saturday. Yes, yes. We got to participate in that. You know, you weren't supposed to actually march. Oh, no. Well, okay.

You're journalists. You're supposed to observe and report. We did observe. Well, Sean went as kind of a volunteer riot policeman. Oh, he had. Well, you know, for everyone's safety, someone needs to maintain the order. Now, I'm all for. Demonstrating free speech, protesting within reason. But when it gets to be this many people, it's like, okay, really? Do you know what I mean? So you went there to police the march.

He has kind of a homemade crowd suppression rig that's like sort of armor. It's like a cow catcher. You know a cow catcher on the front of a train? Yeah. But it's for his body. But is it – I mean, like, I didn't know you were going to do this, and it feels like somebody might get hurt. You said that we couldn't march, which we did not do.

Yeah. Sean just kind of ran through the march, just kind of like shedding. Keeping everybody safe. Shedding people on either side of this. But a cow catcher knocks people over. That's what it is. It knocks cows off of train rails. Well, a lot of times the safest place is close to the ground, Chris,

because if you let everyone get up high, like let's say they all climbed up on each other's shoulders, somebody could fall pretty far and really get hurt. I don't know if you know the story of the Tower of Babel, but a lot of people were climbing on each other's shoulders, and they were all sort of yelling. It felt a lot like the march. I think it was an actual tower. Eventually, everybody fell and got hurt. Yeah, but did you really run into a crowd

and knock people over? he wasn't going that fast because the rig is so heavy and he also is wielding this kind of beanbag bazooka a bazooka? it's a beanbag bazooka have you ever been hit with a beanbag?

no we're shooting it that would be a very bad use of the beanbag bazooka to be hitting ourselves with it. It's for other people. But did you hit anybody? No, because the beanbag seemed to catch on fire from the force of the bazooka blast. Wait, so you were shooting flaming? It wasn't shooting out as much as it was sort of falling and then tumbling like a sort of ball of bean. I just want to get this straight so I understand.

You were standing behind a giant metal cow catcher shooting flaming bean bags randomly into a crowd of peaceful demonstrators. Not randomly. No, I had some targets I picked out. no i had some targets i picked out i personally was going around as kind of a roving punch catcher well like because that's a little that's okay actually i think yeah because some of these girls get in their head they're gonna punch somebody and i sort of come in like catch catch the punch disable their hand for 12 hours so they can't do any more punching quick kiss on the lips that i'm on my way to the next that's a long day yeah he's able to

there's a nerve in the hand the 12-hour nerve that he's able to pinch quickly makes it that your hand is safe but is you know also safe for others because it can't do anything. And then the kiss is just so that you know it's not out of anger. It's from a place of love. Well, I kind of wish you guys had asked me before you went and did all this. I mean. Why? You think you could carry the cow catcher?

Yeah, right. Well, you wanted to come? Oh, Chris. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, sweetie. Well, it's really more about the legal trouble We're probably in right now As a result of this No, we had big masks on

Oh, okay It was really hard to tell it was us If anybody asked Somebody would be like Wow, Wolverine really kept a lot of people safe During that Well, thanks for telling me now If anybody asked, somebody would be like, wow, Wolverine really kept a lot of people safe during that. Well, thanks for telling me now. I appreciate it.

It sounds like – well, I mean, how was it? Me tiring. Yeah, John got very tired. He also – he had to drive a lot of the way there because they don't let you carry beanbag bazookas on planes anymore. Oh, no. This is so... I'm one of the good guys, okay? You want me to have a beanbag bazooka.

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, sure. And so afterwards, we met with this guy, the main president, and had a really nice conversation. He does love the show. He loves a lot of Earwolf shows. Did he mention which ones? He did. He, um,

big Sklar guy. Yeah, understood. County, country, all of it. He has this, like, 45 minute, like, time in the morning, just himself, where he sits on the floor as kind of like a transition from bed to like standing up. Because if you do it too fast,

it can be very dangerous. Get lightheaded. Yes. And he wanted me, he wanted to talk to me a lot about the Sklaan Brothers Burger King commercial. Like that was really favorite podcast of theirs. Yeah. Huh? Why? So I guess congratulations

on it. I assume you're the mastermind behind that. Yeah, I didn't even know about it. Wait, you didn't know about these Burger King commercials? I didn't know about the Burger King commercials. Oh, it's this really hot new podcast where they make them wear crowns like little kids. They launched another podcast? Yeah,

it's a podcast. It's like a little TV podcast where they eat burgers. No, I haven't heard anything. It's kind of like Doughboy. It's kind of like Earwolf's take on Doughboy. But it's just about Burger King. Yeah, people are getting tired of it. It's all these different restaurants that it's a log, but now it's just this one restaurant.

They eat the burger. They enjoy it. See, those guys are really creative. They kind of say the same thing about it every time. And so you kind of just, it's comfort food, which is what Burger King's supposed to be. And so this is the podcast version of Burger King. And it's your buddies, they're hip, they're young,

they got the crowns on, and they got something to say about the burger, which is they like it. Well, we'll have to charge more for that one. So he loves Earwolf. He loves what we've told him about you and your— What did you say about me? Just, like, your views on, like, engineer race and gender stuff.

What? Like, very, like, closely— My views on what? Like, the race and gender that engineers should be. Race and gender of engineers that, you know, there's certain people who should be in charge of electronic equipment, and there's people who let's all agree they shouldn't. So nobody's getting electrocuted. Wait, but I wondered, what did, like, specifically, what did you, how did you represent? We showed him pictures of all the engineers. Yeah.

And he responded to that very positively positively because he knows that everyone's... He misses Frank. He said, I miss Frank. But other than that, he was all positive. Yeah. You didn't know Frank. I didn't know Franks before my time. But, I mean, he was very hot.

Frank. Yes. I'll look him up on Earwolf.com. He is a model for some of the t-shirt ads and rightfully so. Good to know.

So you talked to him about me and about the network. Yes. And about what you had sort of mentioned since we had this way in. Maybe we can get some of these, like this podcast tax.

We are trying to loosen up business, make it easier for business to conduct itself in America. And maybe some of these draconian taxes we have on podcasts now could sort of... You know, yeah. I mean, how much did he say what he was going to do about the podcast tax? I wasn't really actually aware there was a podcast tax. Well, all negotiations are give and take, Chris, so yeah, he had

some ideas about what to do with it, but there were also some things we had to agree to do in return. A lot of our listeners didn't know about this either, but if somebody tells us that they like the show, we'll just make sure, like, oh, you're paying the podcast tax. You can give it to us, and we will pass it along through our...

We'll throw it through our taxes, which the hosts can do. A direct fee from the listeners for listening. Sort of inspired by how it's sort of like an additional layer to Howl. Huh. Yeah. I'm a huge Howl guy. Yeah, well, that's great. That's great to hear.

How much have you collected, would you say? Like in 2016, how much would you guys say you collected? If they have the promo code? Yeah. If they say the promo code, they get 20% off. And so per conversation that we have with them about it, it's usually like 15. Wow. Huh. Okay. We'll have to, maybe we can sidebar this and talk about it offline where the money's going. I'd like to just mention only because um you know everyone's getting a little antsy about where where this conversation is going i'm sure like where is it

headed um i am calling in of course from the inside of a tank a big water tank. Chris Bannon, do you remember the show Trip Tank? A TV show? Comedy Central. They put people in a tank? There is no. Rando. No, it was like rando stuff. And sort of off-color animated comedy. Huh.

Wild. Oh, not for the faint of heart, surely. Well, anyway. Sounds edgy. Wild. Oh, not for the faint of heart, surely. Well, anyway, that show is now defunct, and our president was like, well, you know, Tripp is close enough to my last name, I'd only have to really buy two new letters in order to make it say my name on the tank. He's got the tank now from Tripp Tank, and I'm inside of it. While you guys negotiate, he's giving me a big bath and the bath

is getting bigger uh you know as you fail to satisfy his demands um he's just gonna keep on filling this bath I don't exactly know what the thinking is. He's torturing you in a giant bath? It sounds nice to me. I don't know if you think a bath is torture, although by the smell of you sometimes, I can see that's just a joke. I can't really smell that well. This is a small studio. I apologize. No, I can't really.

I don't know what you smell like. Can you describe this? It could be great. It could be bad. How big is this tank? Well, it's human body size. Uh, it's, you know, obviously because of the sort of trip tank influence, it's trippy as hell. And from different angles, it maybe looks like different sizes, but from inside of it, it's tall enough that if he does keep making the bath bigger, then the bath will be so big that I'll be inside the bath and the bath will be giving a bath to the insides of my body. He's a big bath guy. When we had the Reductress girls on the show, there was a lot of interest from him in them taking a bath.

I heard about that. Yes. That he could potentially participate in visually. I see. And even for himself, a lot of these stand-up baths, like these ones that come from the top, and you come out of this thing and you're so tired because you've been like trying to stand up for so long, and the water is like blasting on you, trying to make you sit down. And so you do sit down a lot because the water's hitting you so much,

and then you have to stand up and like these exhausting. So he likes a nice lie-down bath to both wash himself and to observe. I see. And that's where Sean is now. That's, I think, what gave him the idea. I see. Got it. I think that, yeah, I don't think I'm in the bath that he uses because I don't think he usually has all these creatures in here with him.

Oh. You know, crawfish, crabbies, octopodsopods i mean it sounds like an aquarium to be honest sure you're not in the aquarium okay thank you doctor somebody's been reading the dictionary news um yeah uh it's a trip tank is what it is okay okay i think i said that yeah well yeah i didn't know the TV show. I'm sorry. Okay. So what has to happen here?

If we are to get rid of this podcast tax, and if the guy, is there somebody with like a smasher next to the tank that's going to smash it open if we can get to a good place, Sean? Yeah. Joe Mangiello is next to Tank and he has a big giant smasher and he says that he will smash Tank and all the different vicious creatures, sharks, whatever, will be released.

And I myself will not get my insides washed. So that's, you know, like we, he has a few deal points that he wanted us to take to you. Does insides washed mean drowned? Are you going to be drowned unless we negotiate this? You know, I've never done it. I've never washed that thoroughly where I've actually gotten the water into all my holes at the same time and let it fill up. Sean is also

very anti-shampoo. I don't even know. He's just been telling me about this and now I'm done with it too. It is toxic for your hair. Your hair is supposed to be covered in grease all the time. Your hair is supposed to be covered in grease all the time. Your body naturally

has a lot of grease and scum on it and your body's making that scum for a reason because it's to protect you. It's supposed to just lie flat on your head from the weight of the grease. I'm noticing your hair does not look that greasy so I'm

thinking you might be a shampoo guy And for anyone like me who was addicted to shampoo and addicted to that feeling, I understand. And every time you get the urge to shampoo, just get a big wad of grease. And like, if you want to get some grease from your kitchen, some bacon fat or some other scum and just smear that on your head instead to get the same sensation as shampooing and rubbing your fingers through but without taking out those uh gorgeous oils that make you look good uh thanks yeah i'll try that i said we just can't help like how to teach like we're supposed to be negotiating but it's like these it is what i hear yes what do we hear the show is famously one of the big handbooks. Yeah.

Let's talk about some of the deal points. He wants, for starters, more squars. I think we can arrange that. You mean like more numbers, like another brother? Yes. He wants an increased number of squar. He does not like that there are only two squars. Okay.

Well. I think he might want it's unclear i think it's possible that he wants to be a new squire he did not i maybe he was like too shy to say that himself there was definitely talk of having a sort of secret police called a squarmy oh does he want to be on country or county i don't think he wants to be on the show. He just wants... Was that your impression, Hayes? Because I remember he kept saying, like, I feel like we could use a third scler.

You know, I'm sure we could find someone somewhere. They'd have to be as handsome and funny and charming as the two scler there are. Who knows where we'll find one? And then at one point he went, maybe it's me. Who knows? I'm kidding, of course. But I feel like why even bring that up if you're kidding, of course. That's right.

I wasn't sure if it was to have more Slaurs to be on the podcast or just for personal use. Oh, if he could just say he's officially a Slaur now and get all the sort of juice that comes with that. Be a Sklar and also build, like have his Sklarmy to kind of be just sort of ferrying him around all the time. You know, I bet they would be open to it. And he has plans for a Sklarmageddon. I mean, that can only benefit Earwolf, I feel.

Right? Like, we can only, that's good for us. Eddie Press is good press. Right. And Esclarmageddon would bring a lot of listeners. Oh, my God. It would blow us up. Okay, good.

Easy. Check. He wants that wolf. You know that wolf at the end? That long? The credit? The thing at the end? Yes.

The howl? Yes. He wants that wolf to be more of like a horny girl wolf. I thought that's what it was, honestly. No. I could see why. it was, honestly. No. I could see why. Wait, what did you say, Sean? Minerva.

Remember Minerva, the cartoon horny wolf? Yeah. I think now the wolf is producing a horniness in him that is discomforting in some way. And so it would be more comfortable if the wolf is saying, I'm a horny girl wolf. Do we have to say it explicitly? Or is it the sound thing? Yes, I think so.

Yes. I think even with just the sound. That would help undo some of the damage that has been. I'm a horny girl wolf. Yeah. Is what I need to have the credits say. Well, also, like this production brought to you by whoever. Blah, blah, blah.

Yes, whoever. Okay. I'm a horny girl wolf. And guys, just quickly, is it okay for electric stuff to be in water? Because they are starting to drop little sort of appliances into the trip tank with me. And I seem to remember reading somewhere that that's either very good for you or not very good for you. What appliances?

Hairdryer, curling iron. I don't want to make a joke about our president's hair. I feel like that's well worn territory, but it's a lot of hair appliances, flat iron, curling iron. I think all the small ones probably okay. Is it making the trip tank feel different? Yes, it is. It was getting a little chilly in here and now my skin feels almost hot, but I don't know if that's also because I am, of course, needing to be swimming up to keep breathing. Yeah, I don't know. And the exercise is really what's doing that. I mean, it's probably okay so far. A TV set. If he dropped a TV

set in there, that's bad. It might be your fault. Sorry to interrupt. Yeah. And Chris hates TVs because TVs are the enemies of podcasts, famously. More deal points. Comedy Bang Bang, just solo bolos from now on.

That seems no problem. Absolutely. Is that 100%? Sort of a subset of that. Solo bolos, just the singing. More singing on Comedy Bang Bang and less entirely of the other stuff. I don't think we even have to ask Scott. We can just turn it over to him.

He's been kind of itching to do that for a while. For a long time. Yeah, he's told me. Yeah, so I think that's, you know, great minds right there. Is that your memory, Sean, of how that's what he wanted, right? Yeah, that was one of his primary demands. He's sick of all these, he called them tolo bolos and throlo bolos. Yeah.

He was like, how about just them solo bolos? And then he just launched into Suddenly Seymour for a while. Wow. I mean, you guys had a long, that's a big, long audience. These are a long list of demands. It was a really big roast that we had to get through. We had like a pot roast that we brought, and basically we weren't going to leave until it was finished.

We said that. Yeah. So far, I think we want to be on the right side of history here, and I think we want to accommodate. And we told him that you roll over really easily. Yeah. So I'm glad that. Hey, what's the difference between an alligator and crocodile?

It's something about their snout shape, no? That's, oh, God, I can't remember if one of them. Maybe where they're from? Yes. Which one's friendly? Yeah, one of them is mean and the other one wants to be friends. Why are you asking? Well, I just hope this is the friendly one.

Whichever one this is that is sort of wrapping itself around me here inside the trip tank, I'm hoping it's the friendly one. And I'm trying to look at the mouth to see if it reminds me of a letter. I guess its teeth look like a bunch of little A's. So maybe it's an alligator. It's coiling around you? Yeah, it's coiling around. And I think maybe it's friends with the snake that's coiled around me already.

And so, uh, they're sort of like doing kind of a fun, like swing dance. I don't know if you remember, uh, the cherry pop and daddy. Oh yeah. Uh,

more deal point. Yeah. Uh, he wants you to get his phone out of the toilet. Cause he is list. Like he is operating. Me specifically? Yes. We said that you would be a good. He was like I need someone

to do this and we said that you would probably be a good candidate for this job. I have those long arms Chris. But I mean that's this is a new cabinet position which is. Oh cabinet? Yes. You would be the toilet phone secretary. Huh. And your job would be the toilet phone secretary. Huh.

And your job would be, the phone goes in the toilet a lot. It is waterproof because this is like an ongoing issue. I mean, I'm interested in public service, you know. I guess. I mean, if that happens all the time. Yes, it is going to be happening a lot. You are going to need to be on, like, it might actually make the most sense for you to live in the bathroom. Yeah, I mean, sure, because otherwise the commute would be a bitch.

Totally, yes. I don't know. I kind of feel like I want to draw the line at this one to be perfectly – I can be honest with you guys. I feel like – I mean, I've done a lot of things to help a lot of podcasters do what they do, but I – Yeah. I mean, and I know, Sean, you're in a difficult position, but I'm not sure I can – What do you mean? I want to do this – well, the tank and the alligator and the snake. No, I don't know. Sorry, I lost you for a second. Hey, he had another demand here, which was,

yo, is this racist should now be called, yo, this isn't racist. Huh. And what was the thinking behind changing that? You know, oh, and also Andrew T has to be andrew t r u m p um i think the thinking behind it was that he listened to a bunch of the back episodes and he said none of this stuff is racist uh and he wanted you to agree and then he wanted you to change your name. Yeah. Okay, well, we can do that, I think.

That should be no problem. But what's the thing that you couldn't do? Blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum. Well, it was... It was the arm and the toilet and the phone. No one said you had to use your arm. You could use whatever body part. One of those grabby claws.

You could use any body... Oh, I could use a grabby claw. No use whatever body part. One of those grabby claws. You could use any body. Oh, I could use a grabby claw. No, no. I'm sorry. No grabby claws. It does have to be. My actual arm. Your actual body.

That's what I call feet. You know, I'm not that dexterous. I can't do the foot. It would have to be my arm if I said yes to that job. You just said that you weren't going to use your arm. The arm is great. I don't. I can't. I'm drawing the line on that one.

I'm sorry. I really wish I could help you and Andrew. Is it because somebody peed in the toilet? Well, I'm kind of guessing that that's like, you know, sometimes that he's probably standing over it and then he drops it while he's peeing, right? Yeah, he's kind of holding it against his chin with his shoulder. Yeah, and then he sneezes.

So he can listen. But, yeah, sometimes. I don't. I mean, I've spent 25 years in this business. I just feel like I think, you know, I don't think I can do that. It's not. What business? Has this business been around for 25 years?

Well, versions of this business. He's not asking, like, just anybody to do this. I mean, he's not going to have someone who is, like, just starting out in podcasting get his phone out of the toilet. He's familiar with your work from New York radio or whatever. Yeah, it's flattering. But I don't – I mean, can we get around it and just make the Andrew change and the Solo Bolo change and the other changes and just kind of skip this one? And just meet somewhere in the middle?

Yeah. I don't – you know, I don't really know. He is willing to compromise by having some more pee be in the toilet. If that is the issue that there's not enough pee in the toilet. No, it's the other direction. Even none would be kind of a stretch, to be perfectly honest with you. Even no pee. Okay.

I don't. Huh. I just have a thing about reaching into toilets. Well, he's... Okay, so he's sort of holding up some cue cards for me to communicate. He doesn't want his voice on the podcast, but he was saying, like, where do you want him to put his pee, then? It does seem...

The way you... I don't know what you think a toilet is for. Yeah. Or where you think he is supposed to... you think a toilet is for. Yeah. Or where you think he is supposed to – the president, by the way. The president. I'm sure he has a gold toilet, and he should pee in that. I just – I don't want to pick up his phone from there ever. Is this like a golden shower joke or something?

Because he really doesn't like that. No, I didn't say that. Because we do get that. Like, we do get current jokes and political jokes. No, this is purely personal, really. It's nothing. I support all of his other, I think a lot of his ideas are genius when it comes to the network, but this one I can't do.

Okay, what is that? How is he responding to that, Sean? Yeah, do. Okay, what is that? How is he responding to that, Sean? Well, he is moving a chainsaw around near my head. Oh. It's a quiet chainsaw, which I haven't really seen, but it looks pretty sharp because it did just chop up a water moccasin

and chop up some piranhas. So in a way... He might be saving you. Is it possible that he's trying to save you? Well, he is effectively saving me from some of these nefarious creatures. At the same time, he is definitely trying

to hit me in the head with it and he did chop off my arm oh okay if we I'm trying to think of where we can go from here with this it seems like if

Sean is going to be in the trip tank we can't just keep doing the show remotely like this I think I would have to go in the trip tank, we can't just keep doing the show remotely like this. I think I would have to go into the trip tank as well. Well, that doesn't seem like that's all that. I've got to say there's not room. And I would love to have a buddy in here, somebody to watch my back, because every time I do fend off one attack, it seems like I'm exposing myself to another one. I got a lot of holes in me that weren't here when I started. And some of the holes that I did have

when I started are filled with things that I don't want in there. So, you know, as nice as it sounds, there's just not room in the trip tank for you you to get in hayes so we'd have to find another way maybe we have to get a second host for you hayes back you know it's so that in los angeles we could carry on he really doesn't like this idea he's mad he's saying that i'm like one of the parts of what makes this show good wow yeah and uh does he wait how does he feel how does he feel about the episodes like if it's like just me and Tom or something does he like those okay uh wow you guys really got him fired up now uh he's turning even more orange anybody notice what color he is and so he's turning even more orange. Anybody notice what color he is? And so he's really peeved,

ticked off, and he's just like shooting guys or whatever for, because you said that, you know? What are some, like, what are, like,

what are some of his favorite episodes? What does he want us to do more of? Yeah, that's a good question. Okay. He likes the ones he's saying and he's gotta think for a second um he really likes the ones without a guest he misses this traditional format um uh where we'd have like an intro bit and and then we'd have the guest portion would be a little bit shorter afterwards.

Yeah. He really likes the one I did with Devin Field. What else does he like? Oh, when it was... The Gethard episode? I thought that was better than the one you did. He liked your Gethard episode more? Yeah.

Okay. That was better. I wonder, okay, if you like that Gethard episode, I wonder if we could get, Sean, you call in from the trip tank for as long as that is possible, and Gethard could come in and host with me. Now, I know we are going to have to find a sponsor. If Gethard is going to do it, is there a company that could sponsor this podcast?

Oh, for sure. I think they'd all line up. There's no question. Okay. Does anything, like, is there a natural fit for what we do? I'd have to research that a little bit, but I'm sure we could find a mattress company or, uh, some razor blades or yeah, there's a fit. There's absolutely a fit. I bet I I'm kind of excited about it.

What about generic razor blades? Yeah. Just razor blades. I think it's, yeah, I would be happy to go. Okay. Okay guys. Well, uh, it's getting high enough that my head is going in the water so okay getting every other word from me for a little bit uh you know don't worry about it uh that's

just me getting clean in there okay well thank you chris for coming on the show and uh thank you to the main president for talking to us so much from my hair is mixing with the water and killing all the animals. It's forming the trip tank into some sort of crazy gelatin. I'm getting very strong. I'm beating up Joe Mangiello. Do you have some business thing that you want to plug? Yeah, I want you guys to smile more. I brought this up in a memo.

I'm not hearing it. If you're going to do this show, you've got to do what I ask you to do. That we have big smiles on? Yeah, okay. But what about, is there any, I don't know, like a thing I could plug? Just some business thing that you did, like an email or like some money or something you want to plug. You know, I sit and I answer email all day, and there's nothing dramatic or really even noteworthy. Okay.

There must be one good one that you want to plug. Actually, there is something. There is a great thing that's coming out on Howl. This Uncle Bertie's Botanarium Season 2 is coming out on Howl. Okay. Jemaine Clement show. It's a wonderful show. Season 1 was really funny. It's coming out on iTunes. Let's see. This is the aquarium thing. So it's like a robot aquarium.

Yeah. Yeah, more or less. Yeah. Okay. Sean? Yeah? What's up? Well, I said out loud I'm beating up joe mangi all at one point i just maybe was getting ahead of myself a little bit i was going to try to do that of course he was holding a big smasher so he kind smashed me, knocked the wind out of me. I'm just getting my air back,

but they are rolling out a second trip tank, and I think that's going to be my watery grave. Is this one big enough for two people for once? Oh yeah! Okay, great. So I will come down and get it the trip tank. Easy. We figured it out. Bye! trip tank. Easy. We figured it out. Bye. Bye. I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced

by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com That was a HeadGum Podcast.