Hollywood Handbook - Chris Gethard, Sean's Close Friend

Episode Date: June 13, 2016

Sean sits down with Chris Gethard to do an episode with him as good as the one Hayes did or even more.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. and it's MC Ren. And Ben is telling one of his stories from the killing of a Chinese bookie. And I don't want to listen anymore, really. So I go, why don't you try to kill this Chinese bookie? Take it away, Kelly. And I assume she's going to dance. But she didn't get it. But you laughed, so you see what I'm getting at, huh, Engineer Cody?

Yeah. Yeah. So what do you think she should have done? Climbed a tree. Oh, wow. Interesting. Even though we're in space and there's no trees. She finds one.

Oh, wow. Interesting. I'd love to see the way your little brain works, Cody It's so interesting to me Now, it's Hollywood Handbook You're here, it's me, Sean Clements I'm one of your friends who you listen to on the podcast And I want you to feel like we're friends

So, one thing you might know Is sometimes Hayes will do an episode And when he does an episode without me I get upset and i get jealous and so one great way to deal with that kind of feeling is revenge and doing an episode based on vengeance uh by the way uh welcome hollywood hamburgers insiders guide to kicking butt dropping names the red carpet linebacker always this industry we call showbiz what up what up and so what i have done in an effort to uh defeat hayes at his own game and uh punish him is uh i have gotten a pretty big guest uh pretty big honking

deal and uh i'll cram it down your throat right now maybe you heard of it it's a true corker of a guest his name's chris gethard hi hi thank you for calling's a true corker of a guest. His name's Chris Gathard. Hi. Hi. Thank you for calling me a true corker. Oh, well, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. So, Chris, didn't you do an episode with Hayes? Yeah, I have to say, I was a little surprised to get this offer because it wasn't all that long ago that I was on the show.

Pretty recent, huh? Yeah, so thank you for having me back. I actually thought it must have been some sort of error. Well, no, the error happened the first time when Hayes scheduled the episode, and I'm not there. And then the episode, I think, probably didn't feel that great. And so we're going to kind of fix it. But tell me, because I just haven't

had a chance or really the stomach for listening to it. What did you guys talk about you and Hayes? Well, we went really in depth. It felt really good for me to get it off my chest. I first met Hayes about six years ago, seven years ago. He was a writer on a show called Big Lake. Minnetonka. Big Lake. And at the very last minute I was kind of brought in to replace the lead actor and it was supposed to be

my big break and then it kind of publicly went away. And a lot of people, you know, you can't really find that show. It doesn't exist. Comedy Central doesn't really allow it to be out in the world, and there's always been many rumors about the backstage stuff. And we kind of went all in for the first time and spoke publicly about a lot of my demons and addictions.

Did I come up at all? Not on the show, but I don't want to fan any flames, but as soon as we were done taping, Hayes did stand up and he took his headphones off and he threw them down and he was like, Sean could never do that. Sean could never do that. He throws them down like a touchdown spike,

like he's happy with what he did, or like just a mad throw. I would say the phrase that comes into my mind is more like animal adrenaline. I don't think he meant to throw them. I think he was in a he was acting on impulse. Okay, right. Okay, so that's just pure energy coming out of him and he

said I could never do that. No, he said Sean could never do that. Sean could yes. He didn't say I could never do that. No, Hayes said Sean could never do that. This is Sean speaking and I'm saying what you're saying Hayes said Sean could never do that. This is Sean speaking. Yes. And I'm saying what you're saying Hayes said. You're Chris. Yes.

Yes. And he said Sean could never do that. Okay, yes. Yeah, we're on the same page. Hmm. How does that make me feel? So that's the only time I came up. And then what did you say?

You probably defended me and said, oh, I think he could. At that point, I kept quiet. I mean, he was really, it was like really like, you know, like there was a violence to it. There was a violence and an emotion to it, and I just tried to settle it. I brought you up before, and I asked where you were. I've actually known you much longer. Well, I was going to say, yeah, isn't it strange to do an episode with Hayes when, meanwhile, we've known each other longer?

Probably better. Oh, you and I, there was a stretch of life where you and I were very, very, very close. Yeah. And was he able to deal with that? I brought it up. I asked where you were. I said that you and I really, I mean, this is not in any way exaggerated. You and I for many years were very, very tight.

And I asked. I said I was many years were very, very tight. And I asked, I said I was really looking forward to the chance to catch up with Sean. I feel like we lost touch a little bit. I've always regretted that. And he said, really, this was before the Mike's Run, and then he said you had something else to do. I asked what, and he said, I'd rather not tell you. I have a feeling it could make you feel bad if you knew that Sean opted to do that thing over

what, over this. And then did he do any kind of hand gestures to indicate what it was I was doing? He did a number of hand gestures, but I have to say I'm not necessarily trained in perceiving what his hand gestures mean, but he was, it's funny that you say that because he was gesturing his hands wildly. Yeah, he was going, he was doing one of these, a little bit of this. A little, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And sort of swinging his hands around.

Yeah. He's not wrong. Anyway, did you guys talk about politics at all or anything? No, mostly it was about. About the show? Yeah, I told him a lot because, you know, he had seen a lot and he had been there for a lot. And many, many rumors about my behavior on Big Lake. So I told him about some of the addictions I fell into, a lot of the sex for money,

a lot of the different things I was inhaling, injecting back in those days, a lot of demons. I told them a lot about how my character overtook my personality and this Josh Franklin character kind of came to dominate my mind and live inside my brain in a way where Josh Franklin controlled my thoughts and my actions. Ah, yes, not unlike the Joker. Yeah, yeah, very similar, yeah. So, okay, interesting. So you really did not listen to even a minute.

I just couldn't. Because I have to say, for people who heard that one, tuning back into the same podcast. Just to hear you. Recap, the bullet point recap of a prior recent episode of the same exact... You don't think that's going to be a real thrill? I would have to imagine a lot of people are remembering the more fully fleshed out versions of the jokes

we're now just describing in simple terms. So if I'm clear on what you're saying, you don't think there's a single laugh for them to be had so far in this episode because it's really just a dry retelling of an episode they ideally heard, but even worse, maybe did not hear because they only check in every now and then. I mean, in your words, I think that there's some harshness there that I think I'm a nice guy and I wouldn't necessarily say it as far as there's no value to this. I will say at best it seems to me like people would probably only be encouraged to go listen to the prior ones. Sure, they'd jump back on that one. Based thus far on the fact that we're offering very little actual new. Once again, the old Clem dogs left out in the cold.

Oh, yeah, Clem dogs sleeping out in the doghouse tonight. Yeah, no. Well, that's not what I want. Did you guys talk about any movies or hit movies? I don't think we did. I want to reiterate. I do want to just point out that every time you ask if we talked about one thing, I do say that really all we talked about was this one specific, the backstage maneuverings on

Big Lake and how my mental and physical state. And did that lead into talking about sports or anything? Sports, I don't think, came up. Mostly we were talking about the backstage environment of Big Lake. Big Lake, yeah. The personal way it kind of broke me mentally and physically again. Because maybe it would be like so like let's say

okay, like sports came up maybe Hayes would be like, oh this is a great NBA finals and I would say something like if I was there, I'd go actually I think the previous round was the real finals.

It actually does make me remember. I do think sports briefly came up. Oh, good. Which is that because the head writer kind of kept me separated from all the writers. There was a lot of weird gamesmanship there. But Hayes was a really big basketball fan, and I'm a big basketball fan. And we talked about how we would talk about basketball, and it helped us develop this little friendship,

We talked about how we would talk about basketball, and it helped us develop this little friendship despite the fact that the head writer was sort of aggressively positioning me against the writers, which, again, was one of the aspects that I think led to a lot of the backstage drama and my physical and mental emotional deterioration. So basketball was like a very, very small entry point to the other stuff that I keep referencing. We did talk about in-depth. The big leg stuff. Yeah, yeah. Right. And so, but, so then that really doesn't help my point of like, well, I really feel like the last round

was the real finals is what we're finding out. The Oklahoma City Thunder. The Thunder. It was a great series. Very, way more intense. Is there, hmm, is there anything specific you want, you want to talk about or is it mostly just anything specific you want to talk about,

or is it mostly just, do you want to talk about what Hayes did? Well, so movies didn't come up, huh? Just really the one show. Okay, what do I want to talk about? I want to say something, but I fear it could come off a little critical. Oh, okay. Well, because he did couch it in a gentle way or maybe do a funny voice when you say it.

That's a lot of times what Hayes will do if he has bad news for me. Well, you know, I mentioned to you up top that Hayes had said, Sean could never do this. And I would say that thus far. Maybe too much of a voice. This is maybe more than I need. Like Hayes had mentioned, like, Sean could never do that. Sean could never do what I just

did. And I would say based on what we're proving together thus far, it seems like it is in some ways maybe proving his assertion true. Okay, well, alright. Okay, I'm hearing you. So, well, all right. Well, and it's, okay, I'm hearing you. So, all right, maybe I couldn't do exactly what he did just because, like you said, a lot of people can't find Big Lake.

I know there was like Lee Harvey Oswald was like an amusement park within the world of that show in the episode that Hayes wrote. That was the episode Hayes wrote. Great joke at the end. Great visual gag. He and I talked about that. That came up on the episode Hayes wrote. Mm-hmm. Great joke at the end. Great visual gag. He and I talked about that. Mm-hmm. That came up on the show? It did.

Ah, damn. Yeah, well, I couldn't do exactly what he could do. But, you know, you're doing a podcast with me. Here's what you're going to get. Fun talk about movies. A really original observation about sports. Politics. movies, a really original observation about sports, politics. I mean, do you want to dig in?

It honestly feels more like a circus than like presidential race. Yeah. I'm happy to talk about all those things. The clowns. Yeah. And you're saying right now that we're going to talk about those things like you and I, not just in the context of did Hayes and I talk about them? And it didn't come up with you guys? No.

I'm saying that is what we would talk about if it was just me doing it and you and Hayes had never done one. Yeah. In light of the fact that you did do one, I do really need to get the context. Yeah, yeah. Just because I'm not going to be able to listen to the episode. My Bluetooth's been weird, so I can't really listen to it in my car.

Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I think my cousin, Sam, uh, deactivated my Bluetooth, uh, when he was in my car. And so I do need to kind of know what got covered.

Yeah. And you're saying that essentially big Lake was a show. Uh, you did get your mind affected by the Joker. Josh Franklin. Did you at any point say, why are you being so serious? No, I didn't quote.

No, I didn't quote the Joker. Yeah. And I also don't think that's a quote. Wasn't it why so serious? I don't think the Joker. I might be wrong. I mean, this is an area where you probably don't really want to tangle with me. Just because I'm kind of like a movies expert.

I want to be clear, man. We've known each other for many years. I don't want to tangle with you in any way. Could have fooled me, but... I will say this, because we've... Right now we're just talking about what Hayes and I may or may not have talked about, but there's a whole world

of things you and I could talk about that go back, I would say, six or seven years before I even met Hayes. And I've only met Hayes, I think, three times in my whole life. Yeah. And one of them got recorded, and then that one got put out in the world, and then people said things like, this is the best episode of the show. And then I think as recently as maybe only a couple days ago, we get tweeted at about your episode.

Wow. And let's see, and let's actually see. I'm sorry. What the quote was. I don't know that you need to be standing. I don't know why you stood up when you got. Back up, back away. Nobody touch anything.

So what was the quote that somebody tweeted? And it was something about your father. And they said that's the funniest line in the history of the show. Oh, I think. My show. I think I was recounting a story. I didn't find this funny because this was actually a very low moment for me. I think I recounted a story to Hayes about how i was sleeping with a woman in exchange for money and when we had finished

just as i ejaculated she said it's my father's birthday i didn't find that funny i was actually i saw that tweet and i was actually a little disturbed because i feel like people are maybe using some of my darkest moments for their own amusement. So, okay, just to paint the picture. So you bust huge cream load, and she says, it's my father's birthday? Yeah. And they think that's the funniest moment?

I guess so, man. On a show where I've said so many things. Sean. Yeah. When did we first meet? You and me? 2003? Got to be, I think, five. Five?

Mm-hmm. That's a full half decade of stuff. That's a full half decade of stuff that Hayes has no access to. You think we should explore that more? We could. We could, yeah. It just seems like you're really mad at me. You're really mad that Hayes has no access to. You think we should explore that more? We could. We could, yeah. It just seems like you're really mad at me. You're really mad at Hayes.

And I wasn't involved in Big Lake at all. No. And I will say, just from a personal perspective, constructive, not trying to be mean, this is a really long amount of time to go into one podcast episode only talking about a prior podcast episode. Just talking go into one podcast episode only talking about a prior podcast episode. Just talking about a different podcast episode.

Yeah. You think that it shuts people out in a way where it's really, it's being made for no one and maybe even I'm not enjoying myself during it. I don't know if you're enjoying yourself. I'm enjoying myself because it's you and I catching up and I love that part. Yeah, that's nice. It has to feel like a little bit of a... I feel like even in the time,

even in the... I think it's been about six weeks since I recorded that episode with Hayes. Even in those six weeks, I've had many ups and downs. Okay. Well, yeah, then he can't get his grubby mitts on that. Tell me some of that. Well, I'm in a new film.

Oh, right. Hollywood, Don't Think Twice, directed by Mike Birbiglia. Written and directed by Mike Birbiglia, and it's been good. And fortunately, you've put all the Big Lake drama behind you, all the sort of bad habits that you discuss with Hayes on the episode, which I know we're not talking about that episode anymore, but I have put a lot of the big leg habits to bed, but I will tell you

don't think twice. It's huge. It's an indie movie, but it's huge. And I'll tell you that it added a word to the UCB slogan. I don't have much of a comment on that.

Okay. So anyway, I put the Big Lake demons to bed, but I think, because it's weird, most indie movies you expect them to play in art houses and festivals, but as you I'm sure have sensed, don't think twice I mean as every it's playing on roughly 4 000 screens right now in america if you count international it's playing on over 10 000 screens we're doing 4g

screen wise it's become a cultural sensation on like a star wars level on like a avatar level titanic level it's been life-changing for me and i i will say because i and i here i'll give you. I wouldn't tell this to Hayes because I don't know Hayes as long as I know you. I don't trust Hayes as much as I trust you as a friend. I feel safer telling you that while the Big Lake demons have gone to bed, while Josh Franklin only rears his ugly head inside my brain at times, there are new don't think twice habits that I'm not proud I've fallen into, some new addictions, and the character of Bill now also lives inside my brain, and also Bill and Josh Franklin don't like each other. Tell me about

Bill. What is there to say about Bill? Bill is a mild-mannered member of an improv troupe called The Commune at a theater called Improv Across America, Improv For America, I'm blanking on it. Oh, whoa. And he's a mild-mannered guy who he's trying to –

And you pull that off? Mild-mannered? I tapped into something deep. Damn, dude. Well, for really as a director. That's dope. He challenged me as a director to really look inside myself as an actor for – Pull off like a mild-mannered improviser type?

Yeah, he challenged me hard on that, yeah. Damn, that dude's dragging out some serious stuff. That's dope. Yeah. Bill is a character who some of his friends, one of his friends who's in his improv group gets cast on a show called Weekend Live, which is very clearly an analogy to Saturday Night Live.

Birbiglia challenged me to sort of feel like... And is it on both nights of the weekend? Oh, good question. I'm not sure. I think it's only on Saturdays. Great question. No one's asked me that yet. And again, Birbiglia really challenged me hard as an actor

to try to summon the emotions that it would feel if other members of an improv group get on Saturday Night Live while you remain on the improv group full of questioning. Right. And maybe some resentment towards the... Some self-doubt. That mixture of, I'm really happy for my friend, but at the same time, there's some bitterness here only because it brings up so many insecurities as myself. And you were able to create a character who found that? That kind of emotion, Chris? It took a lot for me to think about in a slightly fictionalized version of the UCB theater world, playing a character who is around a lot of

mounting success, having been there from the early days, being told you will soon find equal success. You're definitely going to be the next person to bust out, only to see it happen more and more to other people, including even students I taught who would go on to become more successful than I would. Yeah, it took a lot for me to tap into that. Yeah, that's an interesting character. And so that guy's in your head now. Yeah. And he's not getting along with Josh.

And how does he get along with you? He sounds like a completely different guy. I kind of feel like I'm this couples counselor in my own head sometimes as Josh is going to these drug-fueled rages and Bill is going into this dark, depressive state where he likes self-harm, and I'm in the middle trying to sort of be a point guard passing the ball to both of them or even keep the ball away from either of them,

but it's not easy. It's not easy, and I've been doing things. Like, I'm not into drugs I used to be then, but I've been dabbling with compressed air, getting a rush off of compressed air. Not the most dangerous thing in the world, but I'm well aware it's a gateway. And where are you putting it? I'm putting it great.

You asked the hard questions that a lot of people assume. I'm inhaling it through my mouth or my nose, and I'm not. And the fact that you asked that, again, we've known each other a long time. It's entering through some other holes. I got a good guess, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's got to be quite a rush. It is.

It's an adrenaline rush. You know, earlier you talked about a point guard passing the ball. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Remember that Raptors series? Yeah, they really showed a lot of heart and a lot of grit. Got out of the first round. Happy for Drake.

Kyle Lowry. I mean, everybody. Happy for Drake. Kyle Lowry. I mean, everybody's happy for Drake. Mm-hmm. DeMar DeRozan, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Will DeMar stick around? He says so.

And that's nice, but let's look at the numbers. Anyway, Chris, you said you're a couples counselor inside your own head. Do you have any other jobs in your head? Sean, can I just? What? Friend to friend is someone I've known for 11 years now. I'm really, I'm trying to open up to you.

And I'm being met with a level of condescension I've never encountered before in any moment of my life. In any exchange with anyone? I got to say, Hayes, I barely know. And he showed such an empathy and such a compassion that made it easy to talk. And I don't know that I'm necessarily totally comfortable sharing with you. So what I'm getting from you is,

okay, first half podcast, not funny, nothing to laugh about. Nobody's going to like this. Then all of a sudden we're having a conversation and it's no one will want to have a conversation with you your personality's bad you basically shut people out in a way that i guess is completely inherent to your tone of voice i don't know chris i i feel like maybe this is a you thing i mean there's certain certainly oh i spilled on I spilled on myself. Hey, Cody, you get that? You pick that up on the mic? Yeah.

Hey, everybody, that's me spilling. What were you going to say, Chris? Well, I was going to say that you maybe recounted some things that are sort of facts regarding this conversation in a way that made me feel horrifically guilty, and I just want to apologize if I've made you feel marginalized or not listened to in any way today, because that's not my style. Hey, you know, look, I'm not Bill and Josh Franklin.

You know, you don't got to counsel me, man. I did want to say I wouldn't mind being an anonymous caller. Oh, I'm beautiful anonymous? Well, no, I don't really have time to call in then, but do you think I could be... Cody, do you have any kind of phone filter you could put on my mic? Sure, here, take this. Well... Hi.

Hi, Chris, it's me, Sean, the anonymous caller. Well... Hi. Hi, Chris. It's me, Sean, the anonymous caller. Well, Sean, can you talk into the regular microphone for a second? Yeah, sure. What do you need? It's not anonymous. You're sitting in front of me and you said this is Sean. How do you mean? Are you familiar with the concept of anonymity? Well, there's an... Okay. Yes and no.

There was a Roland Emmerich movie called Anonymous about how Bill Shakespeare didn't write his own plays and somehow that leads to a tidal wave smashing the city. Okay. That doesn't necessarily answer my question. Well, that's anonymous. I mean, that film's called Anonymous, and I think I've demonstrated I'm familiar with it. I basically told you half the trailer.

Well, what I... I'll just... Okay, so I get that. I get that. From my perspective, what I do with my podcast, which we're kind of referencing right now, is that the phone will ring, and I'll just pick up the phone,

and I won't know who's on the other end, which gives the caller a lot of freedom to just say whatever they were. But I know who some of the callers were. Really? Yeah. I got an email from one of them today. Also, I've seen on the internet they're saying

the Poop Song guy who hates me and Hayes, but more specifically me, also is one of the callers. Well, that guy made absolutely zero effort to remain anonymous during and after the call. But he was promoting himself. That's all he does. He promotes himself harder than anyone I've ever met in any other area of my life.

Well, he's very mad at me. He doesn't like me. Is that true? That's very true, yeah. I think he likes me. Why doesn't he like you? Well, I'm sure you promoted him in a way that he liked. Why doesn't he like you?

Okay, well, there's a world where maybe, perhaps, there was an ad read that was done for his album by, I guess, me, and somehow Kay wasn't involved in that one. Maybe some people interpreted it as being not the best way to read an ad for something. So he paid you money to promote his product, and you did it in a fashion that underwhelmed. Yeah, I guess that would be his side of the story, sure. Well, at the very least, he must be happy right now because he's now getting double bang for his buck because it's coming up.

Yeah, I paid for this one. He didn't have to pay for it. So maybe this will redeem a little bit of his experience. You would think, but I doubt it. So that guy wasn't anonymous. But look, I get what you're saying. So here's what you're saying. So here's what we're going to do.

My friend wants to call it anonymously and talk to you about some of his problems with his co-host, Hayes. Okay. I'm into it if you want to do some sort of exercise. I will say you are sitting directly across from me. Visually, while we might be able to put some layer on it where you don't say your name anymore, you've solved that problem that I pointed out before. I see you are less than four feet away from me. Okay.

Also, this is your show that you've been hosting for a long, for what, like 30, 40 minutes now we've been talking. Yeah, has it been that long? I don't feel it uh well okay so um uh i mean look we've got a bunch of pieces of paper here i could make a mask out of them but here's my fear some of them have ad copy i'm supposed to read so then we got poop song guy

problem round two because i mess up the ad copy. I folded up the paper to make a mask so that you would think I'm anonymous. Right? And that's your suggestion. Maybe I should turn around. Maybe I'll turn this way so I can't see you and you make up a name

or leave your name out of it and we'll see how anonymously we can retain it. Here's my only issue with that. Yeah. And I think it's cool. Okay. But you know how sometimes it's like a scary movie somebody's turned away and then they suddenly turn back and maybe have their face

of snakes or something i've seen some do you are there any movies in particular that you remember that did that feels like something that would have happened in uh what's the one? It starts with an S. Sinister? No, no, no. Ah, what's the one? You know the one. He did the song, then he went and did this other one. Ooh, it's on the tip of my tongue, Chris. Come on, you got to know this one.

I don't. Snakes coming out of the face. It's not sinister, but it's a word like that. Well, at any rate, something like that, somebody whips around. Just when you turn away from me, I'm thinking, man, you're in prime position to do that to me if you wanted to be scary.

I wouldn't do that, but I can. If you decided to be scary. Maybe I'll close my eyes. How's that then? I'll face you so you can know physically you're not. Well, then I could scare you. Well, look, if you're not worried about it, I'm not either. So.

Hi. Hi. Hello. Is this Bill from Don't Think Twice? Why would you? Sean, you shouldn't ask because Bill will answer and you don't want that. No. Okay. Okay, sorry.

Is this Chris Getham from Beautiful Anonymous? Yeah, it's Chris. Hey, it's me, the anonymous guy. So one thing that Hayes does sometimes that just drives me nuts is he'll leave the light on after he leaves, and then when I get home, it's like, you know, the electricity isn't free in this house. I'm really sorry to hear that. I'll tell you, in my experience,

I've had similar experiences where Josh, he won't shut up, where we're living in the same place and he won't quiet down. And I'm here trying to be sensitive. I'm sure you're here. I'm sorry. No, that was Bill. That was a little bit of Bill coming out. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that Hayes burns electricity.

That's not a good feeling. It's not a good feeling. It's not a good feeling. I'm sorry. So one thing as an anonymous caller that I'd like to talk about a little bit is, so I work in kind of a creative field, but I would like to have a dull day job. Okay. That's the absolute inverse of most people who call my show. Is that so?

I would say over half the callers are people with day jobs who want to work in the creative field. You're saying you're a creative person who wants to... Boy, that kind of security really appeals to me. Just some structure in my life. I wouldn't mind knowing exactly where my next paycheck's coming from and not just kind of grasping at straws. Well, I kind of went in the opposite direction with my own life,

but I think if, I mean, it's at the end of the day, it's chasing dreams. If you're living a life you're not content with now. Oh, yeah, big time. Then I think you can take the bull by the horns and you can put the brakes on all the stuff you're not enjoying and dive in. I feel like it's hard to change your lifestyle, but no one else is going to do that but you. So it's a bull, the brakes.

Sean, what are we doing? I'm diving in. Sean, what are we doing? What do you mean? Wait, oh, what do you mean? Sean. Yeah? This feels, something about this

that for both of us feels a little desperate anonymous call not working great for you I see you it's cross promotion remember those great crossover episodes

I used to do where there'd be a blackout on Seinfeld but a blackout on France too they're both in New York City or what about when Flintstones and Jetsons go hang out

to have a party? Yeah. Do you don't remember that? What is it? Did I not talk about your movie in a... No, that part's fine. I'll just say on my end

it's not about the movie. I'm not like much of a promoter but I have such fond memories of how smooth my conversation with Hayes was. Yeah, yeah, that's what I heard. This hasn't felt smooth. It seemed like that one really just cooked. It did from the start, like same wavelength, a lot of momentum.

This has had a lot of stops to start, a lot of... What's the element that's different? Do you think it's you? I feel like I'm very similar to who I was six weeks ago. A lot of stops and starts. What's the element that's different? Do you think it's you? I feel like I'm very similar to who I was six weeks ago. Yeah, you're the same six weeks later. So the element is not you. There's some stops and starts. Again, Hayes and I at the start had almost nothing to talk about,

and then we found so much. Uh-huh, uh-huh. I feel like somehow you and I have so much to talk about. yeah it's almost too much can't fit it all through the door maybe it's cody you know different engineer that is true who was the engineer in the first one i think it was i think it was john i think it was john delore who works on my show yeah cody you've been sabotaging this thing, hombre. What? Hold on. Yeah.

That's my mic. Or is that? No. Okay. Is this my mic? Can you point that quieter? Doesn't seem like a question for me. Whose mic is whose?

You've been sabotaging this thing, my hombre. Did you notice anything strange? I mean, I'm just kind of. Chris is pointing out it doesn't feel too good. Doesn't feel like a good episode. Got the air on. Do you like it? No, I hate it. You think I want to make this?

You hate this? I don't hate anything. I don't like to carry hate in my heart. I've been working a lot on just pushing all those feelings down and making them into a little ball and then just keeping them in the center of my chest. We can talk about that. That sounds so compelling.

That sounds like something your listeners would want. You letting your guard down like that, I bet they'd love hearing that. Okay, well, one thing is a lot of the bad feelings that i have tortas or whoever um i picture them as like a little sliver of soap and then i'll uh just mush them in with like another sliver of soap until i've got like a big ball of soap slivers yeah and then i'll just let that ball sort of slide around inside my chest wow wow that's, that's intense. Mm-hmm. And, you know, ideally, it sort of lathers up and dissipates. Yeah.

Is that why you envision it as soap? Because there's a natural progression for it to exit the world? Yeah, and just I'm super familiar with soap. I've just dealt with it a lot. Okay. More than most people. Really? Mm-hmm. In what context? Oh, it's just one of those things. It seems to be drawn to me. Soap is drawn to you? The inanimate object is drawn to you? You explain it then, you know, because it just feels like that's like the one constant, like

every hotel room I stay in, just all over, I just keep finding it. We had this very, very brief window of personal feeling where you let your guard down and then somehow we instantaneously began talking about soap. Like Sean, 2005. I'm this guy from Jersey teaching at UCB, but nobody's really buying in. And then who comes along? The Clem dog. The Clem dog.

We link up. I feel like you're the first student that believed in me, and you're the first student that I really believed in. And it started this thing that I think people would love to hear about. Right. Yeah, that does feel like a real story for like, that's like a real episode, huh? Like years, like years in the trenches of having each other's backs. So many conversations where you lifted me back up when I was feeling down.

Man, vice versa. So many specifics I feel like we could talk about if we were willing to go there. Sure. Yeah. No. In that version of the show, here I am. I'm this young guy, right? Not that young, but anyway, I'm doing improv.

I see this teacher. He's on stage every week. He's doing some of the funniest shows. He's in a McDonald's commercial where it's somehow about a tie with some diverse roommates, which I'm like showing my parents. I'm like, I know that guy on TV. And then he's coming up to me going like, hey, man, you know, you should move to New York.

I think you could do this. And it's like right at the moment that I'm going like, hey, it's fucking go time, you know. I'm either going to really do this or like I just shouldn't even be messing around. I'm either going to move here and try. And it's like almost exactly what I needed, you know. Like that is a story for that kind of episode. But to me, sort of the soap stuff felt like a rich area.

Okay. You know. So is it just liquid soap or is it bar soap? I mean, you said slivers. It's the whole shebang, baby. No, you can't limit it. Yeah, I'm picturing slivers, but I got to imagine there's some liquid gooping around in there too.

And is it like the liquid is like does body wash count as soap or is it more just like actual? Oh, it counts. And how far do we take the definition of soap? Like a detergent? Is it a detergent? No. That's just poisonous.

You got to be able to eat it. So by definition. Because it's in my body. I mean, it's bopping around my chest. Oh, okay. I get it. And the soap is a metaphor for your feelings towards haze. Yeah, among other things.

And is it, is there a specific, because I know a lot of people when they use soap, they'll like, like I tend to buy Dove, and I really look for, is it one kind of soap, or is it all kinds of soap? I actually never noticed that they add like different kinds. So wait, you, soap is a major factor in your life and finds its way

into your life constantly and you've never before perceived that there's more than one kind of soap? To me, it's just a sort of category. It's like it's either soap or it's not. I didn't know they were doing all this. You know, I'm not a big brand

guy. I'm not a label whore. I'm not here to promote Dove. I'm not a big brand guy. I'm not a label whore. I'm not here to promote Dove. I'm not promoting Dove. Chris, you're trying to sell Dove on the airwaves. I'm not trying to sell Dove. Chris, don't shine me on, man. I don't. Come on.

It ain't my first time around the block, brother. I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. I know when somebody's trying to use my hard-earned listeners to sell Dove. You're pushing product. I'm not trying to sell Dove, and also I really appreciate your perfect strangers reference. I caught that.

That was slick. Falling off the turnip cart. Like Cousin Balky did when he found Larry Appleton. Hey, America or Burst. I remember. I remember. I remember.

And now we know that we both do. Did that show weirdly transition into being a TGIF show in its later days? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Pretty natural fit. Really dovetailed nicely with the other shows, and now you can promote Dove if you want. That was you. You brought Dove back up.

But it wouldn't have meant anything. There could have been any random soap in there. Any random soap. Please sit down. You think it would have zest-tailed? Please stop intimidating me. Did you say zest-tailed instead of dovetailed? Well, I'm just saying, did I have a choice?

This whole experience has felt tense. Really, Weaver 2000-tailed into the... You can make any number of... You know, for a guy who didn't know there was more than one type of soap, you've now made a number of puns. I just Googled it. Is that why?

Because you haven't looked up from your phone for one fucking second this whole time I've been here. Well, I just got the New York Times Crossword app. How is that? It's fun. A lot of this stuff I don't know, though. 85% of this conversation, you've been looking at your phone. Well, I've been trying to figure out.

Actress Gardner, three letters. Ava. No. Why not? Can't be. Who else could it be? I don't know, but there's a B going across. Well, that word might be incorrect.

I doubt it. Oh, no, wait. Oh, yeah, no, it definitely is. I don't know. Feels pretty solid. Sean Hayes and I. Yeah? I mean, the depths of depravity, things I've never told anyone,

things I've never told my therapist, Things I've never told my therapist. Things I've never told my wife. You and I are making soap puns and talking about a crossword puzzle clue. Okay, well, let's dig in. What's the most fucked up thing Bill has ever done to Josh?

The most fucked up thing Bill has ever done to Josh is they fight in my head. Josh is definitely more of the aggressor, but Bill, I think, sets up traps. He looks for ways to burn Josh. He looks for ways to cut Josh. He looks for ways for Josh to have broken bones. And unfortunately for me, since they both live inside my body, I am the vessel in which this war is being fought.

Okay. Okay. live inside my body i am the vessel in which this war is being fought okay so um what does that make me think of let's see let's do some old school you know improv moves you know that's our background uh sets traps trap music are you playing a pattern game right now? Is that what that is? You want me and you to do a pattern game? If you want to do a pattern game together, we can. You said trap music? That's the kind of thing they do on Comedy Bang Bang. People love it.

They play games. They do like A to C. And guess what B is? I'm telling you, that's what that show is, Chris. They play games. I've listened to Comedy Bang Bang, man. Have you, man? I've been on it.

They're playing games on the thing. Did you play a game? I don't know. I think we may have played a game. You should have. People love that shit. I'm telling you what, man. Late night, they play a lot of games.

Late night to you, James Corden. He loves games. Fallon loves games. Oh, yeah. They're always playing all kinds of games. Games that people already play, they just play them and they're famous. And you watch. Yeah.

And I got to tell you, I laughed my fucking ass off seeing somebody try to throw a dart and it's Anna Kendrick or something. I'm cracking up. On my end, you know, I have my talk show. And it's Anna Kendrick or something. I'm cracking up! On my end, you know, I have my talk show. It's like a variety talk show, and I actually kind of try to push hard against that of trying to make everything an individual, every episode an individual experience

rather than these tropes. It's a priority of mine to try to tie it back to what I do. So wait a minute, you're not playing party games? No, generally no. It actually is. It's a TV do. So wait a minute, you're not playing party games? No, generally no. It actually is. It's a TV show. It's a talk show. I'm just trying to picture it.

We have celebrity guests. Chris, I'm just trying to picture it. We have celebrity guests. You got a celebrity guest. Yeah. But you don't have them playing like a college party game? No. Well, what are they?

I've never once on my show have I had a celebrity play. Never have I ever. Well. Do, date, or die. I've never done that on TV. I had a celebrity play. Never have I ever. Well. Do, date, or die. I've never done that on TV. What's going to bust me up? Like, at what point am I busting up laughing my butt off? Like, our season finale this year, like, we did a whole thing where, like,

Jon Hamm, Mad Men, Jon Hamm. Yeah. He came in and participated in an actual pro wrestling match with a bunch of ex-WWF wrestlers. Okay. And then the wrestlers are playing flip cup? No, it's just... They're actually wrestling?

Yeah. Hmm. Okay. I'm just... And I'm not... It's not a judgment on it, Chris. I'm just trying to picture it. Okay, Sean.

So then... So they're wrestling on, I assume, like a twister mat. It's a wrestling ring. And then you're just spinning the, it's just a wrestling ring. Hayes just texted me. Uh-huh. He's been trying to call me a lot. Yeah.

Well, he texted me, so sorry I couldn't be there building houses for Habitat for Humanity right now. Oh, yeah. He says that a lot. What were you doing that you weren't at our first? He wouldn't tell me. He said it would have hurt my feelings. Well, what did you prioritize ahead of catching up? It was honestly, it was just a timing thing that week.

It's not that like what I had to honestly, it was just a timing thing that week. It's not that like what I had to do, it was important, but, um, it's just, so, all right. So I've been experimenting with making my own hot sauce and so, you know, I'd love to have a, I'd love to have a i'd love to have a clam dog brand hot sauce out there on the shelves okay now a lot of the ingredients they have in most hot sauces i don't have access to so what i've been doing mainly is just pouring two different kinds together into the same cup and I'll often go down to like a Gristiti's or a Gelson's and I will have a couple different cups out in front of me and people can try it and say like which hot sauce combos they like the best. So you bring hot sauce combos into supermarkets and approach random people who are shopping? Yeah surreptit, I'll sort of sidle up to them.

And then a lot of times I'll like spill some and go like, why'd you knock that over? And they'll go like, I didn't knock it over. And I'll go like, yes, you did. I saw you. What do you want to try some or something? And then hopefully we get into an altercation that ends in them trying the hot sauce and telling me if they liked it. and them trying the hot sauce and telling me if they liked it.

So they drink a substance out of a cup, an uncovered cup that a stranger has. Or a canteen. A canteen of self-mixed hot sauce. Yeah, and it'll be a combination of two or three hot sauces. Anyway, so that's been a big part of my life for the better part of five years. And as I have been pretty dedicated to that, what I had to do on that particular day was make labels that say which two hot sauces are in the container. So you weren't even mixing the hot sauces or doing the field tests.

Oh, God, no. No, I don't do that by hand. Oh, the mixing I have someone to do for me. You just direct the mixing. Mm-hmm. So you're making the labels after the fact? I was making the labels, yeah. And I got to be honest, I don't think they were that accurate.

Okay. Okay. So you, I mean, you get it. I get it. I get it. As a fellow businessman, entrepreneur, you know, you're a spokesperson for Dove. I think you know.

I'm not a spokesperson for Dove. I'm not. I'm not. Chris, you're the face of Dove. I'm not. spokesperson for Dove. I'm not. Chris, you're the face of Dove. I'm not. I mentioned Dove once and you've now labeled that. I mean, if you listen to Beautiful Anonymous, different sponsors, Dove is never even... If they want to be a sponsor, I will happily... To say that you mentioned it

once is really underplaying... You said, I tend to buy Dove products. I said, I tend to buy Dove. I mean, because you brought up soap. Okay. I feel bad. Why? I feel like I'm like sitting here.

I feel like I'm like a Mike Lawrence over here. Oh, no. Chris, we have to edit that out. I wasn't sure if that was okay to say. I wasn't sure if that was okay to say. I wasn't sure if that was okay to say. Hey, man, I didn't know if it was okay to say don't think twice out of the world single word in the UCB slogan,

but it seems strange. It's not a UCB movie. Okay. How much have we recorded, Cody? You wanted to record that? You got me, you son of a bitch. Well, anyway, Hayes is calling me again. I got to tell him how much better this episode went than the one that he did.

And you agree and and you agree and you can probably tell him that too isn't that right Chris I'll talk to Hayes great okay so we're in agreement then so bye

thanks for listening everyone bye oh rate us on iTunes like us on Facebook do the do the do the do the

do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the

do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the

do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the

do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the

do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the

do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the do the This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Ackerman, Adam Sachs, and Chris Bannon.

For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.