Hollywood Handbook - Cullen Crawford, Our Strip Law Friend

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

The Boys are joined by CULLEN CRAWFORD to learn what it was like running his new show, Strip Law.Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Okay, everybody. It's Friday morning. We're feeling great. Sometimes, and I do need to say this before we get into it. That's so incredible. That's sound you made. I woke up this morning. There's a bird perched on my big toe. Uh-oh. Because my toe, when I sleep, my bare feet are out. No, not the window.

Oh, sorry. Just out the bottom of the... Pop tent. Covers. And then out the tent, yes. Yeah. Out the door of the tent. And they...

They're bad. My feet are bad. Cullen. I got some bad piggyies down there, Cullen. I can tell when you walked in. They're trying to get a little fresh air, and so I'll be sleeping in the night,

and I'll just hear... And then my piggy's... will sneak out and they make that noise get some fresh air they're all trying to go to market thank you for keeping us grounded the bird that was persia my big toe was singing and it sounds exactly it sounds like that I've heard a lot of birds that sound exactly and I do a bunch of bird calls I'm not going to get in all of them now but I do that one and then I do tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet and I do another one squack and I do one more hello hello Polly wants a cracker

hello Polly wants a cracker so we do the show every damn week and we try always to have a guest this week is no different some people are probably they read the description and they said Had they released a pro version from behind the paywall to the main feed? Because sometimes we do that, you know, around Christmas time. Nope, this is the main episode. We're here, of course, with a guest, very funny online, tweeting. The guy does it all. No one does that anymore.

No, but you're keeping the flame lit. and you have this show. I don't want to get too far out of ourselves. And just, I mean, to add a little context for why you're here, in all your communications, you were like, I got the show on Netflix. They want me to do podcasts. Yes.

They're like, go out and do some podcasts. I'm like, okay. Netflix loves when people do podcasts. That makes me feel so good. Oh, my God. Netflix is making someone do a podcast and I get to be the one that they're making him do. Yeah, that's so awesome. We had a call about it where it was like, okay.

We couldn't even get through because we were calling each other at the same time. It's true. As soon as the email come in. A busy signal. Do they still have? He's trying to call me. I'll try to wait. We're both trying to wait for like one second.

We have to call again. Okay, fine. That was just making calling to our podcast. Yes. That was so rewarding. Obviously, we've been in the game for a minute or two. I mean, you guys have earned it. Like, you've put in the work to get here.

And so I'm happy to be a part of this. You know, when I said that I did bird calls before, I don't want to just blow by it. You said, I have your album. Yeah. Right on it, too, really quick. He's joking. Yeah, that's, but joking so fast. Am I wrong?

Really fast joking. I mean, look, I know. He's joking around. Harvard guy. You're not? No, I know. You didn't do UCB? He did UCB?

Well, so this is interesting. Where'd you get your chops? I get by chops? Yeah. Oh, you know, just like a school yard. Like, you know, passing around the ball. Sit down shut up on Fox. I know what that is.

That's a show? This is so amazing. I mean, it's like you were just like dropped on, like you just washed up on the beach. I know. You don't know your animation domination history. And here you are animated show. No improv.

On Netflix. No imprompe. No. No. No. No. No. where like who did you study or you just you just came fully formed and here's another question

I have for you did they give you a steady hand on the wheel? Did they say okay well we'll like we'll make use of Collins talent his creativity but he probably needs a grown up around doesn't he or it was literally this fucking madman who essentially in his estimation invented joking around. Yeah. It's just going to be monkey and a zookeeper outfit. Running the show. They were like,

you're a freak, and everything's so stupid and that's the highest compliment I can pay to you. Yeah. And there was just a lot of that. They called me a freak. They called me inexperienced and stupid.

Oh, yeah. And I was just like, thank you guys. You're a psycho. Ted is, oh. You fucking freak. Yeah, you fucking psycho. Nailing your own. You freak show.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Hey, man. And I'm always. Like, hey, ow. Ow. That's, you really are way harder than I did. He isn't a little bit much. Talks about my wife a lot.

It's a cool relationship. What's he saying about the wife? He thinks he's beautiful and transcendence. Which is nice, but we're bringing this up so often, Ted. Yeah, I know. Yeah. There's a little bit of a question in it of like, what's going on with the wife in terms of the beautiful wife? So beautiful, right?

You're like this freaky bitch. You fucking freak. Sometimes I wonder how this freak got a beautiful wife. And what's their arrangement? And the whole room just loves that. And talk about the room. Oh, the room? Who's in the room?

So you guys want to talk about a show running? Well, it's a much maligned art form these days. I don't think people appreciate what goes into it. You're a mad scientist. You're a business. man. Yes. Sure.

You're a manager. Also an artist. Mm-hmm. An artist and a surgeon. I like to say that. A bull rider. Oh, wow. And a Maverick.

An architect. Architect. Fishmonger. You have to. Well, because ultimately, you're a used car salesman. Yeah, right? That's what we're doing here. They made me do this.

Mm-hmm. You got forced to be on the show. Mm-hmm. So I know what happened from your side. Still trying to figure out on our end what happened and just a kid in a fucking sandloin oh yeah and a candy store and a candy store a candy store a kid in a sandy store am i right you're so right that could be in the show i wasn't in the rule i don't know if what it like what's it called what's happening on the show it's called strip law okay funny funny yeah because it's like

stripping and strip and it's about las Vegas lawyers yeah and it's just is hacks in it hacks hacks is in it Wow. We got hacks. We got fear and loathing in Las Vegas. We got. They're in it. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Welcome to Viva Loughlin. Was that a thing? Viva Lofland. Yes. Yeah. Wow. They're all in there.

Yeah. And you are the doing the show. I'm the doing the show. And you are running the show. Mm-hmm. Talk about that process. Yeah, talk about that, how that feels. Oh, it's just like, what do you, do you have your, you need a food, right?

Showrunner needs something to eat famous food. Something to eat all the time. Clams Casino. Clams Casino. Well, and it's Vegas and he's saying casino is part of the food. Clams Casino, what I've heard. I caught that. And I've caught you.

And I've heard a lot of good things about what you're doing. I'm hearing that you have from a food perspective there is a sticky element for sure it's sloppy. Yes it's Clams Casino I have heard that we're missing a dust element as well so you can have more accumulation

on your fingers and hands and up your arm so that's my only note so far is if on top of the Clams Casino Some pixie sticks or Doritos. Crumbled up Doritos, I was going to say. Doritos that like when somehow every bag you open, it's like already time to give up on that bag. You know what I mean?

Just leaving them everywhere. No, it's like you're still working on the bag where it's like the bag is over. Everything still in the bag is like not for you to eat anymore. Yeah. Right? That's not what anyone else would consider food. Sure. It's become that the food remnants inside the bag

would be considered garbage by anyone else, but you are attempting to eat them. And you're so, what's your attachment to like the rest of this bag? You know what I mean? Because there's another bag. There's always another bag. That's the question you want to be asking.

You need the people at the table. Are you working at a table? Oh, yeah. And that's like a sacred space. A table. Sometimes I'll stand up and walk down there. Where did you come from, dude? You're fucking maniac.

You are fucking sick in the head. Disturbed. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I am. You should be like put down. I'm, I'm interested. I'd be like, interested in the show. I do think you should be, I think you should be executed. Yes.

Thank you so much. I believe that you should be murdered. Torn apart. It's a state sanctioned rituals. They don't get this, but this is how we talk to. each other. This is like, Oh, this is like the high, yeah. We've got the comedy callous. Yeah.

You actually can't offend us. That said, why wasn't I involved in this show? Well, I know. Why wasn't I involved in the show? There are some, there's some phone calls that were made. Okay. And, you know, I could drop the bit here for a second and say that I was actually terrified to bring you into my writer's room.

Or we could continue with the bit and be like, you know, he's out there. He's a bull. He's gorn. Why? Wait, sorry. Why? What's scary? What's like, what could possibly go wrong?

You don't feel at home in your own creation? Come on. Maybe a little bit. I mean, literally, what could be bad about having me around? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know either. Too funny, maybe. I saw, because I ran into.

friend of the show, Bang Rajman, he said, man, I'm doing voices on Collins show. That show is really funny. And I said, oh, fuck you. He's saying, he's not saying that I'm funny. He's saying someone else is funny, that their thing is funny, and I'm not involved in the thing.

And he is, and you are? If you thought you didn't want to have me in the room, you're not going to like what it's like having me out of the room. It's even worse That's understandable Oh brother So you're The table

Right The table's there And it's so interesting Do you sit at the head of the table Because you're a little bit of a weird guy Yes You're a little bit of a strange guy I did sit at the head of the table

It felt natural but actually It's actually so normal That you doing it becomes weird Are you getting up Are you kind of tucking your legs in in a stupid, like, babyish way. Are you swinging a golf club around? Yeah, we had golf clubs for everyone.

Wow, everyone was swinging clubs. Yeah. A lot of broken windows. What's your, like, posture problem as a showroom? Oh, it's definitely the, like this, the laptop on the feet straight up. Yeah. Hunts, hard hunch. Power hunch, they call it.

Yeah. Just like, short shorts. Groinel mass, accumulated groinel mass. Mm-hmm. has basically become your face. This is so cool to do right now because I feel so comfortable with my body on camera anyway.

Oh, yeah. That's like, well, and the setup, and the setup here. Let's take this table out here. You can just get the flattering. Thank you so much.

Yeah, it's the perfect angle for me. It's such a flattering camera arrangement. And we talk about this all the time. They really did us a lot of favors. Yes. And I am always pleased.

Anytime I see a clip, I just go, like that angle, then they cut to, you know, something else at two shot or something. I go, but I love that angle. It feels awesome. It must feel great. My wife will see a clip and just be like, that's so interesting. I never saw that part before.

Yes. Your beautiful wife. Yes. My beautiful wife. Mm-hmm. They, they are. I'm sucking freak like me. Yeah.

A beautiful wife. No. And. But she'll say like, that part is new to me. And I'm like, Oh, did you, what did you think? And she was like, it's just, I need a little time. It's just noticeable.

I need a little time to, to know about it. You can't process something totally new, especially about someone you're so intimate with. It's interesting. Yeah. I will say to my gorgeous wife, and by the way, I'm a mutant fucking disgusting creature. I will say to her.

Like a little boy, you've got a wish from a genie for life. Yeah, it's. But like a disgusting boy. A disgusting boy. But a disgusting boy who is. Ugly boy. Sick, but not in a way you feel bad for him. It's like his fault that he's sick.

Like the strangers things kids would make fun of this boy. Yeah. I don't know that show, but that, yeah. It's on Netflix. It's on Netflix. That'd be good. Um, yeah. They, uh, well, is it really on Netflix?

Because they're not having those guys do podcasts. So they're, they are not really getting behind that one. Because they're not forcing them to do podcasts. Like they did. you. So, but she will, I'll say, you know, this new clip is up. I don't love the way I look in it. And she'll say, I didn't notice. Hmm. Yeah. I don't. Oh, thank you. I don't know. Oh, my God. I don't know what else to say except, thank you. Yeah. Well, the faster they say to the the nicer it is.

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. I have a thought for you on the stranger things. Yes. You become the Crawford brother. The single brother. The Crawford brother. I like this.

Brought to you by the Crawford brother. Collinning. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the Crawford brother. The Crawford brother. The The The really helps.

When they first showed up and it was like from the Duffer brothers. I was like, these must be a known commodity. I was like, I definitely can't make fun of the name Duffer now because this is so normal. This is like, oh, people already know about this. Yeah. These guys are the Duffer brothers? Okay, I better like act familiar. No, I want to do that.

I don't want to give that to him now. It's legitimately great. I don't want him to do that now. I want to be the Clements brother. The Clements brother. The Clemens father? Oh. Or what is the?

about this. This could really be something. Okay, I have one, but go ahead. The duffer father. The duffer father. Now, that's really interesting. I was just going to say if I was the Clement's nephew, it really implies youth in a way that I think could be helpful. And it's

true. Yeah. You can't say it's not true. I defy you to say it's not true. Kevin is always talking about found money. You know what I mean? There's like, there's the money that you plan for there's like you set up your business plan and like your revenue projections and all

that and like those are the benchmarks you're trying to keep um and then he talks about but then like you have your like your found money where my uncle finds it behind your ear yep no uh he's described this experience so many times to me and he always used the same term which is found money is almost as good as getting tickled by your uncle. And I never really understood it until we experienced our own version of that, which is, obviously, we make our financial plan, we make our projections for the year. But anytime we do have an advertiser, that to us has found money. That's money we weren't expecting.

And that's happening right now. Right now, I am getting basically my ass completely tickled off by Kevin's uncle. Yes. and I am giggling and squealing and I'm saying stop it, but the second he stops, I'm going to do it again. Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles at all, banking, bookkeeping, invoices, and taxes, no more paying for multiple subscriptions than dealing with clunky outdated apps.

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Yeah. I do want, and I'd appreciate you to help us keep on track a little more. What part of the table do you? I do set up to have the table, but you ever put a little piece of your butt on the table? I do not put piece of my butt on the table. Not even one piece.

A lot of these guys are doing it, managing to like just kind of lift up one chunk of it and just kind of have that be resting on the table, even how, in a chair. Okay. I can't see that. What's the benefit of this?

I mean, you can't see. Like, if you need to see it, I will show it to you. I will like to see it if you can do it. Okay. He shouldn't have to. You shouldn't have to. What I think you need. He shouldn't have to.

Like, the circumstances under which I'll show it to you, like, I think you might need a steady hand on the wheel. Okay. For this show. Yeah. You know what I mean? It wouldn't hurt to have someone who was 10%

less of a demented freak who basically I'm a freak but like never learned anything like the lightning rod to my lightning like someone a little more boring a little less exciting yes

come in and just sort of ground the whole situation yes that's right and so maybe they're an annoying loser right and someone who can actually like be let outside you know what I mean

someone who can like go to a building and like be in an elevator you know what I mean go inside the building yes go back outside yes yes if you need something from the store yes so does this now are you both going up for this now to be the steady hand on the wheel I think it could be really interesting the wheel's big to have the clement's nephew and the Davenport baby on your show as you being the duffer father Now we got it all.

We do have it all, yeah. You know? The Cohen Twinks. Say again? They said the Cohen Twinks. The Cohen Twinks? Mm-hmm. The Coen Twinks.

So why did you say that? Okay. You know, I'm just like trying to one up the, this is the thing I did read Delclos's book about, he talked about escalation. Okay. So now we're starting to, you were, you know, you wash up on the beach, but you made the except for all the books that I read. You know what I mean? Like, okay, so you're like...

This is fucking exhausting. Delclose's book. There's a one in front of the minutes. I just want to point that out. So, save your energy. Okay. Yeah, go ahead and just relax into it. The...

I don't think that was Del Closest book. But anyway, you talked about briefly, and this is interesting, having the keyboard on your lap what's your relationship to the keys and are you always on the keys are you sometimes dictating

to someone else on the keys and then you're like fuck get out of the way get out of the way just give it to me you're watching them not quite punctuate the way you would it's missing that certain flavor that the

the Colin Twinks brings to it I don't know what the yeah I don't know why he said that brings to it. Yeah, uh,

yeah, let's go with yes. Um, I like to come in and like really make everyone feel uncomfortable. Okay. And like, depending on what happened to me, you're doing Cohen brothers,

but you changed it to Twink. I changed to Twinks. Okay. To me, that's not a family member. You know what I mean? But it opens it up in a way where I go. But if you came from a family where there was like,

the twink was just like, but it opens it up in a way where I don't, I actually think you didn't go. far enough. Okay, thank you. A to C, I think you went A to B where you went to like another person, but it could have been, and this is for what, what, cars? Well, I was going to say like, if you were like the Culligan brief. Okay. Wow. You know what I mean? So that's like this guy's Cullen. Yeah. What if he's the Culligan brief? Right. I like Cullin brief, which is well, I do too. Well, I do. There's the Crawford boxes. And that is definitely what I say,

like an idea. You know, that's a showrunner thing. When you like an idea, you say, oh, I like that. I gotta start doing that. But I was really asking, you said I like to come and make everyone uncomfortable, I actually had asked about your relationship to the keys. Yeah. And you didn't answer that at all. You said, yes, let's go with yes.

And then you just started kind of talking about something else. So talk about your relationship to the keys. Relations to the keys. Okay. This is your personal laptop? This is my personal laptop. That you have sort of like resting on. Resting on my, like. Are there any windows open visible being projected on

screen? Certain terms. Or this is a, this is private. It's private. So I can't see it. You can't see it. But they can see how grimy it is. Yes, absolutely.

They can see that the screen is disgusting. You got a sticker on there? No. I did use to have a sticker. Area sticker. Just from, well, it's just from the humidity that he's giving off. The sticker is slowly peeling off that sticker like the wallpaper and the Cohen Twink's masterpiece, Barton Twink.

Mm-hmm. Pardon Twink. that made it work for me that did make it work thank you for that added the whole way you guys look into staff uh I'm told that

this is interesting he actually recently heard something uh that his staffing prospects it's actually scary that he's gonna have to work on yeah so

um I have I have taken a little break for some self reflection yeah well I mean yeah you've seen in your career where you just You're going nowhere. You're not going up at all.

You're not like on Emmy nominated shows. I'm bouncing around, you know, and it's just like this week. I mean, you look at this table that we talk about. Sometimes you're at the head of the table. Not me personally. Sometimes one is at the head of the table. Sometimes you're somewhere else at the table. And you just can't be too invested in.

Where am I at the table? It's just good to be sitting down. You don't have to think about your relationship to the keys when you're in those other seats. And I want like, you're joking. I get scared when they put me on the keys. Like you're joking. I know you're like trying to make a joke about him being on Emmy nominated shows. I want to like just share with you because he won't speak for himself how hard it is.

Uh-oh. Showing up onto an Emmy nominated show. And like there's a lot of days where he would walk into the writer's room and everyone else is already in their top and tails in their in their gown. Like in their finery. Yeah. I'm still in my coveralls. Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

And I didn't know. No one tells you. So, yeah, I'd say it's painful. Because they have, like, they have a show tonight, you know? Like, they have the big award show. The Emmy nominations have not trickled down to me at all. The show itself has been celebrated in certain ways. We're talking like kind of like a dinner for schmucks situation here.

Like they bring you to roast you. Well, talk about dinner for schmunks because you had said, before you wanted to go through. Oh yeah, D4S is like a huge one for me. And the dinner is for schmunks? The dinner is for schmucks. The dinners eat the dinner or? And they say if you look around the dinner

and you don't know who the smuck is, it's you. I don't know if that's the tag on. But what if you look around the dinner and you do know that you are the schmuck? Or you look around the dinner and you see a schmunk. That's interesting. Is there only one schmuck at the dinner for schmuck? Oh.

The smucker brothers. I yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Schmucker Abrams Schmucker Thank you for cleaning that up You know That's real And then Michael George

That's real And so What's for dinner What is for dinner for the schmucks Do they get to pick what their dinner is? I imagine it's like pheasant or quail Okay so you again You contacted us to say that

D for S was huge for you And you wanted to Yeah but it's not about the dinner It's not about the schmards. That's right. That's right. Okay. So, yeah, I guess whatever.

Obviously, it's exposed now. We were kicking back and forth calling about what would be like the most exciting version of this episode. And he had posited that we could sort of wind our way into a personality quiz that he has where you figure out which schmuck you are at the dinner for schmugs. And he said that he was going to kind of diagnose both of us. Yes. and that also that anyone listening would be able to figure out. And I said no, and I said, I'm going to force it anyway. Yeah, well, and now we're here.

So do you want to just walk through, are there six schmucks that you wanted to describe in detail? And then we would have these kind of binary choices that would guide us into being one of the schmucks. So do we go to the schmucks first or do we do the questions first? Well, it's your quiz. It's my quiz. Well, just, yes, I know who the schmucks are. There is a ventriloquist. Yeah.

Yes. And I think it's like a lady puppet. I know it's a lady puppet. And there's something going on there. There's something going on. Right? Like this is not like a normal relationship. The relationship between the ventriloquist and the, I almost said dummy.

But of course, since it was a lady, I'm not going to do that. Beautiful. The. Relax. I cannot. The queen who he is manipulating.

My feeling was it was inappropriate. And so I did not watch the whole movie because I can't see that stuff. But you love it. I won't be being that as well. I thought we don't know that. I won't be being that. I won't be being that schmunk.

No, we do. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind being the lady. Yes, I forbid you to make me that smuck in the quiz results. I don't know who needs to hear this. You tweeted this out. I don't even know who needs to hear this. But manipulating a gorgeous puppet who is a female is not okay.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I would be fine if the result of the quiz is that I was the woman, the puppet. Because honestly, it's a little how you're making me feel with the way you kind of controlled this episode and forced me into these situations that I did not choose. But there was the ventriloquist one

and neither of one of us will be that one. Who else was a schmuck? There's Zach Alfinacus. Mm-hmm. Kind of the free space of the schmucks. Mm-hmm. Yeah. There was, I think,

Why made him a schmuck? He was kind of inept. Okay. I was socially inept. Yep. I remember his face turned red while he was laughing, that was a big smuck move for him? Yes.

Humiliating. We'll not be being that. We'll not be being that smug. Yeah, I can't be that one either. Red face and laughing. Red face and laughing. Okay. That's just a natural body function in a way.

I don't do I look like bits. You know what I mean? You're like, I look like, I don't know. He does the like, well, don't. Okay. Well, don't know. Yeah. Don't know.

Like, don't know. Like, don't know. I look like Grizzly Adams' brother. They don't talk about. Whatever. I don't do that. It's a little beneath. And I don't look like that.

You don't look like that. I don't look like anything. Yeah. As far as we're concerned here. I would say also that I don't look like anything and I don't do that. And so when you said I look like, I don't know, it felt like you were going to come up with a random example, even something silly. even you doing the Grizzly Adams thing,

which I know was just to educate him. Yes, thank you. I don't want that. And that's what I don't do that. Zach Galfanakis, the schmunk does that. That was you doing that. Yes, that was you doing that. That was me doing it as the schmunk.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So now we're in the schmunks that I really know. Like, uh... Okay. I know these ones really good. Yes. Yes.

Uh-huh. were dialed in. Yeah. There's like, I'm gonna say like pumpkin Charles and there's a guy holding a pumpkin. Oh, okay.

And people are like, I'm not gonna be that one. It's the great pumpkin Charlie Brown. I'm not gonna be that one. Like really insistent that it has nothing to do with that. I don't care if it does. I'm not gonna be that one.

It seems like it does to me. Mm-hmm. I'm out. Don't make me that one. I'm out. Guys, you're really kneecapping the quiz already. Why is his name pumpkin Charles

if it doesn't have anything to do with this a great pumpkin Charlie bro? Yeah, at least tie it into some beloved IP. It's like he was thinking about that maybe, but like didn't realize he was thinking. It's almost, yeah, like they should have done a second swing at it after they put it in, like maybe a little better name or something. And he's like, well, it's Linus that is about the great pumpkin in the movie. It's like, well, you went and look that up after people pointed out. You have a problem here.

I would just like to say another schmuck that I'm not going to be. And we haven't gotten to yet, but I'm not going to be George W. Cush. Well, in some ways, I would argue he's not even really a schmuck. That's not going to be who I am. So we're still on, so you're not taking that as number four. Like,

so you want to generate. I say he's canonically a schmuck. Multiple other schmuck. So we're going to pass on George W. Cush. Okay. So then we're still only at, we had said there were going to be six, right?

Yeah. Jack Galaphanacus. Pumpkin Charles. Now we're still on. Then there's number four. I thought four was ticked off, but instead we're staying at three. Prick Chaney. Well, I'm not going to be that one.

Honestly, I don't think I could even if I wanted. He came in that guy's face on the hunting trip. And this is the kind of thing that's in the show. Yeah, this is the nasty shit that we did. Strip law. An old man. Nudding. A shotgun blast.

cone into another old man's face. And he getting away with it too. He busts freaking gunpowder or something. It's just like crazy, like, because he's so old. Wait, let him go. I like this. It's like, no, no, no. I don't. I'm saying, this is what we're doing on TV. Yes.

I don't know. If that was in the Dinner for Shmunks movie, again, I turned it off as soon as it was clear that the relationship between the female puppet was uncomfortable. Click, power off. No more TV for the night. Can't risk it. I'm not going to change it to another show

now that I know some of the stuff that gets put in these things. I haven't watched since, and I'm wondering now, like, can I even watch Strip Law? It's feeling like no. Yeah. Because it seems like you, would put in some of the schmuck stuff who after prick cheney did you want there's two more you have to do yeah and i have them

and i love them these are the real like now we're getting into like this is actually getting cool are the are like the top four for sure there's the really handsome schmuck is hymbo himbo himbo himbo jackson okay i'm so stupid and he says himbo d'bbo d'iq and he says himbo d'iq Doesn't know. I said him. I thought it was Hymbo slice. Like I was like, no,

that's wrong. And Hymbo Jackson. It was Hymbo Jackson. Hibbo Jackson was a really good character. I did get to meet him. Obviously, I only saw a couple minutes of the movie. I did get to meet him.

And he was sort of in contrast to, I mean, there's a famous celebrity named Bo Jackson. Yes. And he. By being, like, strong. This guy was like kind of buff.

Yeah. sort of plain spoken. Yes. And it was just a very refreshing play on. But like physically really, really put together. Yeah. You know, good looking guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Physically impressive. You know. And so we'd sort of taken Bo Jackson. We'd hymbo-fied him. Yes. In this way that's really creative.

Yeah. Not going to be being that. You're not that one either? Mm-hmm. And then, Jose can schmucko. Okay. Was the last one.

I was like, where is this from some of these in the names? Yeah. Finally. And like, obviously that's perfect. That's why this is number one for me. Yes, it's a perfect fit. Because even if you didn't think he behaved like a schmuck, which I personally don't think he did, the fact that he had schmuck in the name, you just couldn't argue that he was one of the dinner for smug schmucks. It's perfect writing to like, right towards the end, you get a rule of two, where there's like two baseball guys in there towards the end of it.

Talk about the rules of writing. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, there are nine, right? Nine rules? God damn. Yes, there are nine rules of writing. And the first one you said was rule of two's, but that's not in the core nine. Is that right?

That's not in the core nine. That's in the addendum, the bylaws of comedy. Well, we don't have to go into all of those, but let's do the nine main was. And it's not the rule two. So the characters must already know each other before the scene starts. And for how long? For two years. Two years.

They call that the two year rule. They're blowing out a candle on their friendship cake. So interesting that the rule of twos didn't make the list, but the two-year rule did. It follows the rule of two. Neither of them is rule numbers. Both of them are rule number one. Well, one's bylaw number one. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

And so, yeah, you want to have like two years of history between every character on your show. So anything I watch where there's a meat cute. They know each other for two years. They've known each other for two years. And that means all the characters... Well, there's classic workarounds where... Exactly two years in the past met simultaneously. And you're seeing them exactly two years after they all met at once.

Do they have to remember each other? No. So that's like classic workarounds. They cannot remember each other. They got your knees. Right. And this is what we do. We pitch on these kind of things. Well, I do. How'd that stuff get on your computer?

It's caked on. It's caked on. I'm kind of a greasy guy. I'm a very naturally greasy person. So it's a lot of touching face, touching. When I see it on the screen, I like, I touch it. You touch it because you like that. I want to get in the screen and touch it. Yeah. You say give me that. I say give me that. How the back get like that, though. But it's in your bag.

Yeah. And you have to reach in there and be grabbing it. Well, there's the Clams Casino in the bag along with it. Sometimes you put a projector onto the back of the screen, you know? I know what this means. Like projecting onto the laptop. Yeah, you use that as the surface to project. They get little cars around.

It's like a little drive-in theater. That's rule number two of comedy, right? Okay. Rule number two is the little car. So make that just for me, make that a one sentence rule. Set up your laptop like a little drive-in theater with little cars for everyone to look at. Yeah. It is helpful.

Only seven to go. Imagine your audience. Like that's who you're serving, right? Like the people in those little cars. Yeah, I like to drive in to watch the show on that one. Mm-hmm. There's a cafeteria farm. off.

Netflix calf? Netflix calf? Better or worse than it was when we were there? Look, they were amazing creative partners. Cafeteria, not great. Do you know why I think that that is? I heard that they made another one

and they told everyone else that like this is actually the real one. Oh, okay. And we're going to just like let this up. Let the old one just be Collins now. in a way that's flattering that they're like working whole systems around me yeah well in another way it's really not yeah yeah because of they don't want you to have access to the main cafeteria the combination of the combination

of sneaking in clams casino which is not like sneaking in food is not something you have to do yeah not necessary at all but you're allowed to have I like to do it yeah it makes me feel safe The danger, yeah. It makes you safe. And sick. Taking more of their food. So eating the clams casino there in a very like secret way. And then you go out of your shirt pocket.

You finish the Glabbs Casino and you go, boy, I'm famished. I haven't eaten anything today. I haven't had any Clams Casino or anything. What's in the cafeteria? As if they wouldn't allow you to eat the cafeteria if they knew you had food before. And then you just start. piling heaps of like what I would consider salad dressing. But for you is somehow the entree.

I'm so comfortable with my body that I love talking about eating and eating a lot of food. That's really cool for me to get to do. Kevin's going to zoom in on all the food zones. Yeah, I want to get to the other rules. but please let's please get back I worry we haven't really talked about the show in a way that's going to make anybody

watch this thing yeah almost like it would be a really bad idea to come on and promote your show this way or something yeah and that would be talk about that let's talk about what the show

well who's talking in it who's talking in it who's doing their stuff we got getting their shit off. We got Adam Scott. We got Janelle James. Oh. We got Stephen Root. Oh. Up and comers, Shannon Hizella

is an amazing actor. These are good, right? These are all good. This is getting a good reaction for me. This is nice. Tell us if there's anyone that we're supposed to be like, oh. You know, like, we'll do whatever. Huh? Drew Tarver is like a recurring role in it.

How? whatever you need. For your purposes for season two, if you need to go back to Netflix and be like, see, I told you. Or just like, Drew wants to renegotiate and you just got to go like,

well, a lot of the feedback we got on you was actually that like you're less valuable. Right. Yeah, we got some like, okay. That's it. That's it.

Pete David. And then a million like featured people. Well, I'll tell Ben that he didn't make the list. Ben Rogers Oh Is on the list What do you guys feel about Ben It changes all the time

Is he like doing a thing? You know Like sometimes when he's Sometimes when he's See Sometimes when he does the voice He's like Doing a thing

That could be It could be It could be It could be You know Not necessarily saying that it is Could be Could be

So what Did you feel was being brought to the table by these people that I couldn't provide so that I can work on my stuff. We know where you got your chops. They just showed up. Me? I got to actually get in the lab and work on this shit.

Embarrassing, I know. But I actually do put some time into my craft. Kind of a scientist. What is it that was missing that I can hopefully generate for next time? Well, you know, I think you kind of hit the nail on the head there or these are kind of people who don't have to, it's like effortless for them.

It's not, you know, they're not engineers, they're artists. It's like, they hear the music and they dance. Adam Scott's lazy is what you're saying. Wasn't my experience working with him,

really hardworking guy when I've engaged with him, but I guess on your show. Ones in. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I could say that. He just comes in, he does it and leaves.

You know, he's a very professional guy, like a sniper. Can you get him on this show? On this show? Yeah. I cannot. Something.

Something. We gave you the whole episode to do, you did your dinner for Schmutz quiz. We are recently Instagram friends. It didn't feel like a quiz to me at all. I didn't get. You can let me quiz you. What's your, what's your, like, what are you hoping to extract from him then? Like, do you have something else that you're like?

With Adam? Yeah, like a card that you're waiting to play. Mm-hmm. That, like, is not available to us. He's doing the show, so he owes you at least one favor. Showrunner's phone. It's not this. I give him a huge show.

You're not using it for this. No. So what is it? We'd love to get him on bang, bang, bang. You know, that would be nice. Can I get him on bang bang? That's what you do. Did you reach out to them also?

They're packed, huh? Yeah. Look at the time. Bye. That was a headgum podcast. Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I have a new podcast on HeadGum called Next We Have. Now, this show is for. for people with short attention spans, which is everyone.

I mean, you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, but don't, because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works. Next we have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge, Yelp reviews for callers who had bad experiences with a business. The Doe Boys play a game called Meal or No Meal, and Steph Tolliv and I go head to head on a

thought-provoking game called Guess That Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds, and we probably have more fun than we should. But it's a great time, and you should listen or watch new episodes of next we have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.